Pre-Show[]
ROBBIE: Critters. Are you ready? [cheering] Please welcome to the stage, Matthew Mercer! Matthew Mercer! [cheering]
MATT: Hello (laughs). My goodness! Look at this crowd tonight. [cheering] (laughs) Oh wow. Welcome friends, one and all, to what is slightly going to be a very unique evening. But it is my pleasure to be here. I am your GM for this chaos of the night, Matthew Mercer. [cheering] But you who are here tonight have helped guide how this story will unveil to a degree by deciding which characters our players this evening will be stepping into. Beginning with the first player reveal of tonight, you voted to see if either Keyleth or Beauregard you voted to see if either Keyleth or Beauregard would be inhabited for tonight's adventure. And you decided upon, by a very narrow margin, Beauregard. [cheering] [cheering] Marisha Ray, ladies and gentlemen. [cheering]
MARISHA: What's up? [cheering] [cheering] Come on, come on, come on! [cheering continues]
MATT: Thank you for joining us, Marisha.
MARISHA: Thank you.
MATT: The second choice that you all made collectively this evening involves what the next player's character will be. The choice between Grog Strongjaw or Chetney Pock O'Pea. Your votes tonight decided upon...
AUDIENCE: (chanting) Grog, Grog, Grog, Grog, Grog!
MATT: Grog Strongjaw. [cheering] [cheering] Let's bring to the stage Travis Willingham, ladies and gentlemen.
TRAVIS: Let's fucking go! [cheering] Yes! [cheering] [cheering] (laughs) Holy shit. [cheering]
MATT: We're already at some energy tonight. I love this. Up next, friends, the third player of the night had the choice that you guided between two characters. We had Kingsley versus Ashton. You decided with your votes it would be Kingsley. [cheering] [cheering] Taliesin Jaffe, welcome. [cheering] [cheering]
TALIESIN: Oh bloody hell yes. This is going to be bloody fun!
MATT: (laughs) [cheering]
TALIESIN: I'm there.
MATT: Welcome to the table, buddy. The fourth choice you helped us guide this night was between this next player's two characters, Caleb Widogast and Orym of the Air Ashari.
TALIESIN: (laughs)
MATT: Two very different characters. And you decided tonight's game would have Caleb Widogast. [cheering] Liam O'Brien, please come to the stage. [cheering]
LIAM: Look at all you beautiful bastards! Let's go.
MATT: (laughs) [cheering] [cheering]
TALIESIN: You heard that, too, right?
MATT: Next up. You had a choice between two also very different characters through Veth Brenatto or Braius Doomseed, both horny in different ways. [laughter] [cheering] Your sort of horniness to be chosen tonight was Veth Brenatto. [cheering] [cheering] Sam Riegel, please come to the stage, buddy. [cheering] [cheering]
SAM: Hey. [cheering] [cheering] Popcorn? [cheering] [laughter] [cheering] [cheering]
MARISHA: (chuckles)
MATT: I regret everything. [laughter] Narrowed down to our last two players. You had a choice for this next player's two characters between Pike Trickfoot and Fearne Calloway. Your votes have decided upon Fearne Calloway. [cheering] Ashley Johnson, please join us on the stage. [cheering]
ASHLEY: Oh! [cheering] Hello, my darlings. [cheering]
MATT: And for our final player to join us, you had a terrible choice to make between Vex'ahlia and Jester. Through your votes by a landslide, you decided upon Jester Lavorre. [cheering] Laura Bailey, please join us. [cheering]
LAURA: Yeah, yeah.
MARISHA: Let's go! [cheering]
LAURA: I got picked. [cheering] [excited cheers]
MATT: Welcome, players.
ASHLEY: Hi.
LAURA: Hi.
MATT: (laughs) [cheering]
MARISHA: Hello.
ASHLEY: Hey, pals.
SAM: Oh man.
TALIESIN: Yeah.
MATT: This is going to be--
TALIESIN: Oh dear.
MATT: -- fun, fun, fun. (chuckles)
LAURA: Oh my gosh.
SAM: I was under the impression that we were all dressing as our favorite Chicago characters.
MARISHA: (laughs) [cheering]
TRAVIS: Oh.
SAM: Is that not the case? I feel like I'm--
MATT: Well, Chicago voted for them, so I think it is, technically. [laughter]
SAM: ("Chicago" accent) Hey, bratwurst.
MATT: Okay.
LAURA and SAM: (laugh) [laughter]
MATT: Thank you all so much for joining us. We're super excited to have you. But before we jump into tonight's game, we have some quick announcements to get through. [cheering] (laughs) Beginning with tonight's sponsor, "Sid Meier's Civilization VII VR." Sam. (laughter)
SAM: Yeah. Sure. ("Chicago" accent) Hey, so Civilization VII VR is a new way to experience the franchise.
TRAVIS: Oh jeez.
TALIESIN: What accent is that?
SAM: Available now exclusively on Meta Quest 3 and 3S, just like the one that Liam is wearing.
LAURA: (laughs)
TRAVIS: Where did that come from?
ASHLEY: Wow, cool!
SAM: The game lets you experience "Civilization" from brand new perspectives coming to life on a game board in front of you, letting you learn and appreciate the details up close.
ASHLEY: "The details."
SAM: You can place, size, and arrange your war table in your own mixed reality space. (laughs)
TALIESIN: This is a weird cockney accent.
LAURA: What are you doing? (laughs)
SAM: (laughs) And meet rival and ally world leaders from history face to face. I'm telling you, this game is way more immersive than I ever expected, which is why I need the audience to help me demonstrate just how visceral it is.
AUDIENCE MEMBER: Woo! [cheering]
SAM: For instance, if I move my horse mounted soldiers across the battlefield, it's like I can hear horses neighing.
AUDIENCE: (neighing)
SAM: Or possibly hear the unbridled victory cheers of my soldiers. [raucous cheering] Whoa.
LAURA: Nice range.
SAM: Or if in this game I successfully fly an airplane, I can hear the roar of the jet engines.
AUDIENCE: (grumbled roaring) [laughter]
SAM: Or what if I negotiate trade routes with famous world leader, Ben Franklin? Maybe he would utter his famous quote.
AUDIENCE: (unintelligible chorus of Ben Franklin quotes)
ASHLEY: (laughs)
MARISHA: (laughs)
TRAVIS: That's a good one.
SAM: No, I don't think that's it. His famous quote...
TALIESIN: I look hot in this tricorner hat?
MARISHA: (laughs)
SAM: Just more horse noises.
AUDIENCE: (neighing)
SAM: Yeah, that's better! Experience the "Civilization" series you know and love from a whole new perspective. Play multiplayer with up to three other players for a total of four, exclusively on Meta Quest 3 and 3S. Check it out at the URL on your screen, and everybody help me say it, Matt--
SAM and AUDIENCE: Back to you.
TRAVIS: (laughs) Oh wow.
MATT: That's a new nightmare.
TRAVIS: Amazing. [laughter]
MATT: (laughs) Our second sponsor for this evening is Bethesda, "Elder Scrolls Online."
ASHLEY: Ooh.
TALIESIN: Ooh.
MATT: Where every legend starts somewhere, and in "The Elder Scrolls Online," it starts with you. [cheering and oohing] Step into Tamriel's distant past nearly 1,000 years before "Skyrim" and write your own story in a world of adventure and possibility. Explore Tamriel from the mushroom forest of Morrowind, which is really cool, to the depths of Oblivion, also really cool, where Daedric foes await. They're also pretty cool. (laughs) [laughter] We named our bird off of one of them. So what can you do? Immerse yourself in award winning storytelling. Play solo or with friends and shape your destiny. Will you embark on epic quests, battle in PVP combat, or relax by the shore with a fishing rod? Millions of players have begun this journey. Now it's your turn at elderscrollsonline.com/joinus. Thank you Bethesda and ZeniMax for sponsoring this episode. Marisha, I believe you've got a quick note to give as well.
MARISHA: I do. I have a very quick one. You know, you guys, you're special.
AUDIENCE MEMBER: Yeah! [cheering]
MARISHA: You're here with us. You are live, in person, in the flesh, but there are so many amazing fans who aren't going to see this for some time. So, don't be a dick.
TRAVIS: (laughs) [cheering]
MARISHA: Don't post spoilers. You know, you're about to have a magical evening and we want the people at home to be able to experience that same joy in real time. So try not to tweet anything that you might think is a spoiler. If you're like, "Hmm, is this a spoiler?" It's probably a spoiler. So that is my one request. Thank you so much. You're all beautiful. [cheering]
MATT: I do believe that concludes our announcements.
TRAVIS: No way.
LAURA: Ah!
TRAVIS: Chicago, are you ready?
ASHLEY: Oh boy, oh boy, oh boy. Oh boy, oh boy.
MATT: So let's go ahead and jump into tonight's one-shot of Critical Role.
SAM: Yeah. [cheering] (flames crackling) [cheering]
Part I[]
AUDIENCE MEMBER: I love you, Matt! [laughter]
AUDIENCE MEMBER: I love you more! [laughter]
MATT: It is only been months since the historical event known as the Catatheosis transpired, the very pantheon of Exandria vanishing from the realm to be reborn in mortal form to escape the hunger of Predathos the God Eater. In the aftermath of this chaos, many facets of society and the reaction to adjust is seen in both robust and mysterious ways. Refugees from the red moon Ruidus seek to explore their new home and integrate with the societies that will have them, while those that remain amongst their crimson, wind-sheared homeland work to rebuild Ruidian society, either as an opportunity for a better future or to reclaim the proud tyranny of the Weave Mind. On Exandria, the many temples of Vasselheim developed protocols to seek out the reborn deities, desperate to establish counsel and guidance within the divine before darker minds and interests can snuff out the light of the Primes as they discover their lives and purpose. The legendary protectors of the realm, Vox Machina, wrestle with the responsibility of their titles in a world now thrown into a new age of growing change and chaos. The subversive guardians known as the Mighty Nein work to quell dangerous opportunism in a time where ancient dangers grow unsealed alongside new powers seeking to seize the vacuum. A complicated chosen called Bells Hells flee from the most zealous factions of Vasselheim and deep worship, labeled by some as heretics and criminals of the doctrines of the faithful. And it's in these times where ancient magic and arcane seals of old remain broken in the wake of the Malleus Solstice. Sometimes overwhelming power finds those whom even fate might deem dangerously unworthy. whom even fate might deem dangerously unworthy. And with that, we come to Whitestone.
SAM: Oh.
MATT: Laura Bailey.
LAURA: Sorry.
ASHLEY: (laughs)
LAURA: That's too long of a pause. It was just-- (chuckling)
MATT: Here in the later evening of the beautiful valley that surrounds the city of Whitestone, the shaded shapes of the Alabaster Sierras visible from beyond the windows. Here in the war room of Castle Whitestone, the heroes Vox Machina gather amongst allies. Circling the central table amongst them, Shaun Gilmore, Lady Allura Vysoren, Lady Kima of Vord, and Cassandra de Rolo. [cheering] As they discuss how best to deal with this new age and the adaptation of those who live near and far. As Cassandra slams her hand on the table, (Cassandra) "Friends, best we can hear in these spaces, most of Tal'Dorei is still rife with misinformation and misunderstanding. There is a challenge of how best to make people feel comfortable, to not let panic ensue. I'm going to be honest, outside of us here within this city, most people look up to you, the protectors of the realm. We ask you and Lady Allura," who goes, (Allura) "Of course, everyone asks me." [laughter] (Cassandra) "We think we might have a plan for locally in Whitestone, but what do you think is best across Tal'Dorei?"
MARISHA: (Keyleth) I think it's going to take some time for people to get used to this new normal.
TALIESIN: (Percy) Whatever this new normal is at this point where this power now lies. I mean, is it worth just admitting that time will tell?
SAM: I take the feedbag off of my mouth.
LAURA: (laughs) [laughter]
SAM: (Scanlan) Ah, these oats are so good.
ASHLEY: (Pike) Oh.
SAM and LAURA: (laugh)
MATT: For those who weren't there, Scanlan turned into a centaur because he's an asshole. [laughter]
SAM: I can help by penning some new epic songs and legends that could explain to everybody that there's nothing to fear with the gods' absence, that they're still here in spirit and in intention, if not physically present beyond the veil. You know, I think that should-- (whinnies) (sighs) [laughter] -- allay some worry.
ASHLEY: Babe.
TRAVIS: (Grog) Gesundheit.
ASHLEY: You don't have to whinny.
SAM: I know I don't have to whinny, I also don't need a feedbag, I have hands, but it's just part of my-- [laughter] -- you know, aesthetic now. It's my aura.
LAURA: (Vex) You know, horses have a long snout. That's why they use a feedbag. It makes it difficult for you to do.
TALIESIN: I was just hoping it was a gag of some kind.
LAURA: You've got oats everywhere.
TALIESIN: Clearly, it doesn't work.
LIAM: Vax--
MARISHA: We are getting--
LIAM: -- stands out of the spotlight off to the side--
SAM: Oh shit.
LIAM: -- watching his family and is immensely happy seeing that nothing has changed. (laughter) [cheering] [cheering] [cheering]
LAURA: Honestly, though, Scanlan, I think you are onto something. Inspiration is what people need.
SAM: Hope.
LAURA: Hope. Exactly.
MATT: Shaun Gilmore leans forward. (Gilmore) "I couldn't agree with you more, honestly." [cheering] "With the help of a few quite accomplished mages, we could hop you on a rapid tour through Tal'Dorei. You just have to turn these songs around quickly. You are a accomplished bard, aren't you?"
SAM: I could get to work on it soon, but I'm going to need help. What rhymes with Changebringer?
TALIESIN: Humdinger.
SAM: Oh, okay! That's a start! [laughter]
MATT: "How about you, Grog? Do you have anything to add to the possibilities of how best we should, Mr... What was your title again?"
TRAVIS: The Grand Poobah de Doink of All of This and That. [cheering] Yeah, that's right. Put some fucking respect on it. [cheering] I also think what we do going forward is very important. I have to take a shit. [laughter]
MATT: It's at that exact moment, a strange buzzing sensation fills the air and this crackling sound (static sparking) begins to spark like some strange arcane resonance.
SAM: Grog, is that a fart? What is that?
TRAVIS: I'm not sure. You're never supposed to trust them, though.
MATT: (deep thud) At which point there is an impact--
ASHLEY: Ah!
LAURA: (laughs)
MATT: -- and Grog is gone.
TRAVIS: (wails)
ASHLEY: Buddies!
LAURA: Is that--
MARISHA: Oh no!
SAM: He really had to go.
LAURA: Does he really have to do that when he shits?
SAM: He really had to go!
LAURA: He's never done that before. [laughter]
ASHLEY: Where'd he go? Where'd he go? Where did he go?
MARISHA: Where is the Deck of Many Things?
TALIESIN: Oh, please no.
SAM: Oh no!
LAURA: (groans)
ASHLEY: Oh no!
MARISHA: Is this a game?
TRAVIS: Okay.
LAURA: Not again.
MARISHA: Not again!
MATT: We pull away from Whitestone. [laughter]
TRAVIS: What the fuck are you doing? What's happening?
LIAM: (laughs) [laughter]
TALIESIN: That's what you get for farting.
LAURA: (laughs) [laughter]
MATT: As we now come into some distant Zemnian subterranean tunnels, deep beneath the city of Rexxentrum, an underground cavern network would flee attack or persecution.
LAURA: (muffled cough) Sorry!
MATT: But has recently been rumored to be used by the Cult of the Cloaked Serpent, even in their absence and infiltrating guilds across the city and the empire itself. It's here, we see the Mighty Nein quietly and carefully delving into these dark, dank tunnels.
LAURA: (Jester) What are we doing here again? [laughter]
SAM: (Veth) I don't honestly remember!
MARISHA: (Beau) Oh, we went over this. We are in search of these cult members. Just follow along, okay?
LAURA: Okay.
LIAM: (Caleb) We covered this at length. Keep your voices down.
LAURA: I am! It is down, Caleb!
TALIESIN: (Kingsley) How we have survived with you people around is beyond me! Oh, that's right, I didn't. Well done.
MARISHA: Oh!
LAURA: I'm so glad you're here, Kingsley!
TALIESIN: Thank you for calling, by the way. This is ridiculously fun.
LAURA: Yeah, of course. (laughs)
MATT: It's about this time you hear this distant slithering sound like some heavy, darkened scales scraping across stone, and a faint blue glow begins to emanate from around the carved stone edges as you watch a massive spectral Naga-type serpent creature (rapid slithering) shriek its way around the corner, its hood extending and its odd, deeply set humanoid eyes in its semi ethereal form glancing back with its massive fangs bared. "Ah! You stride where you should not, new food."
MARISHA: Oh cool, it talks. They made snakes worse. [laughter]
ASHLEY: (Yasha) I'm going to take out my Scaldsaber. Gimme.
MATT: It rears back, strikes out at you, Yasha.
LAURA: Oh no!
SAM: Oh!
MATT: It misses with a natural five. You catch its blade, your blade, in the middle of its jaw as it (strikes) keep the daggers at bay as it pushes into you. Its strength is more than you expect, and it pushes you against the stone. You feel the full weight of it pushing against your body, and its odd, ghostly breath, this mix of rot and acrid air. What are the rest of you doing?
SAM: (screams)
LAURA: Guiding Bolt!
TALIESIN: Running right at it to take a slash.
MATT: As you all dart inward, this strange crackling sensation begins to fill the air to the point where the serpent itself seems to draw away, (hisses) confused.
MARISHA: Caleb, is this you?
LIAM: I cast Comprehend Languages.
MATT: It's about that moment that Caleb (whooshes) vanishes.
LAURA: (gasps)
ASHLEY: Where'd he go? Where'd he go? Where'd he go?
SAM: Caleb, no!
MARISHA: He's fine! He's fine! He probably just bamfed somewhere!
TRAVIS: I don't think that was Caleb.
ASHLEY: Yeah, he--
MARISHA: (gasps) Beau is gone.
LAURA: (gasps)
TRAVIS: Oh!
ASHLEY: Babe!
LAURA: Yasha! What's going on?
ASHLEY: I don't know!
LAURA: Fjord, hold on to me!
ASHLEY: Where did she go? Where did she go?
MATT: Jester's gone.
ASHLEY: (shouts)
TRAVIS: (Fjord) Whoa! Whoa! That's my lady! [laughter]
MATT: (whooshes) Kingsley's gone.
SAM: No! Fjord, use your strength to keep me here!
TRAVIS: You son of a bitch! (laughter) [laughter] The naga's like, "Well, this is fortuitous. Less meals, but easier pickings."
ASHLEY: Wait, so it's only the two of us here? (laughter)
SAM: I'm still here! I'm still here, too!
TRAVIS: It's just us, Yasha. Yes, it's just the two of us.
ASHLEY: Oh, you're still here. Thank god!
SAM: Oh no! (laughter) [laughter]
ASHLEY: Fjord! Fuck!
ASHLEY and TRAVIS: (laughs) [laughter]
TRAVIS: It's just swords, yours and mine.
ASHLEY: We got this!
TRAVIS: (laughs)
MATT: It charges towards you as we pull out of the darkened shadows from underneath Rexxentrum. [laughter]
TRAVIS: Fuck! (laughter) [laughter]
SAM: They'll be fine.
LAURA: They're going to survive. They'll survive that.
TRAVIS: What are we doing?
MATT: We focus now instead on snow powder dappled dense forest, somewhere in the Vesper Timberlands of Issylra, somewhere in the Vesper Timberlands of Issylra, beyond the burning lights and braziers and torches of Vasselheim. Bells Hells flees pursuit from a crew of unhappy faithful. A troop of bounty hunters with two Judicators at the set--
TRAVIS: Oh shit!
MATT: -- have been following you for days as your Staff of Traversal hasn't been able to regain enough charges to free you. We find Bells Hells breathless, and for the moment, not hearing their pursuers amongst the night cold.
TRAVIS: (Chetney) It's out of charges! I can't get it to charge up any faster!
LIAM: DM, with a roll of a natural 20 for a 33, do I sense any threats in the woods around us? [cheering]
MATT: As the rest of you take a moment to listen and exhale--
ASHLEY: (Fearne) (exhales)
MATT: -- silent darkness, Orym, you pick up this distant crunching sound of the underbrush, the forest, and fresh snowfall powders ever so quietly-- (soft shifting)
LAURA: (Imogen) I think we're safe here.
LIAM: (Orym) Hey, guys.
ASHLEY: It's colder than a witch's tit out here. Can we please just figure out a way to--
LAURA: It really is.
MATT: (Laudna) I mean, I kind of like it. (laughter)
TALIESIN: (Ashton) Waking me up.
LIAM: We either got wildlife or a problem.
LAURA: (laughs) What?
LIAM: Something out there.
LAURA: Oh no, they're back? Shit!
MATT: (sudden blast) There is a blast of bright golden light that emits from the ground surrounding you all as a divine glyph-- (shifting forms)
ASHLEY: Oh no!
MATT: -- forms in the snow and blasts upward. I need you all to make wisdom saving throws, please. (groaning)
ASHLEY: Oh no!
MARISHA: Wait.
LAURA: Wait.
MARISHA: I don't have Laudna pulled up. I don't think it's good.
LAURA: I don't either.
MARISHA: It's not good anyway!
MATT: Just roll the dice.
LAURA: I rolled a three. I'm sure that's not good.
MARISHA: I rolled a two.
MATT: Okay.
LAURA: Oh shit!
MATT: Witches be ditzes? (chuckling) [laughter]
ASHLEY: Wait, is this a spell or a magical effect?
MATT: It is a magical effect.
ASHLEY: Okay.
MATT: So you would have advantage.
ASHLEY: Okay.
TRAVIS: Dirty 20.
ASHLEY: Oh, a little better.
MATT: Ooh!
LIAM: 22.
MATT: 22.
ASHLEY: Dirty 20.
MATT: Great! All right. This table, fine.
ASHLEY: We're good. We're good. We're fine.
MATT: It blasts and you knock away the impact as it tries to bind itself to your physical body and hold you in place.
SAM: 19 for the sexy minotaur.
MATT: All right. Sexy minotaur, you also shrug it off. You know this game.
SAM: Moo.
MATT: (laughs) [laughter]
TALIESIN: Dirty 10.
MATT: Dirty 10. Ashton, Laudna, Imogen, you seize up and feel your body now battle against you and hold you in place. You hear the cracking of a nearby tree as it splinters, and a whole upper section of a fir come crashing through, (crumbling stone) sending snow and nettles everywhere.
ASHLEY: Oh no!
MATT: There you can see just across the bit of moonlight that's reflecting off the snow, the mask of a Judicator as it slams its fists together. At that point, a crackle in the air begins. (static crackling) (whoosh)
SAM: Oh!
MATT: And Fearne is gone. [laughter]
LIAM: Shit! [laughter]
TRAVIS: It's the devil come to collect! [laughter]
MATT: As we pull away from Issylra, I would like you all to leave the stage.
LAURA and SAM: Oh!
ASHLEY: Ooh!
TALIESIN: Oh!
ASHLEY: Oh my god.
SAM: What?
MARISHA: ♪ Okay ♪ [cheering]
LAURA: (laughs)
ASHLEY: What's going to happen? What's going to happen? What's going to--
LAURA: Ah! [laughter] [cheering]
MATT: Now-- [laughter]
MATT: Friends, all of you, wherever it is in Exandria that you may have found yourself, this odd gossamer silver curtain seems to surround you, and you feel pulled from your lives, your worries, your thoughts, and instead find yourselves sitting, welcomingly so, and instead find yourselves sitting, welcomingly so, in a soft, warm, beautifully lit theater. [laughter] [cheering] You all sit there in your chairs with an expectation of entertainment. That anticipation itself brimming up from beneath your stomach, the adrenaline beginning to spike, the promise of something extraordinary, something violent, something unique and entertaining has brought you here tonight to this strange unknown dimension to this strange unknown dimension beyond the realm. It is here, friends, you discover yourselves waiting for a proper night of entertainment. [cheering] [soft chatter] [rhythmic clapping] [cheering] [alluring music]
ROBBIE: Good evening, everyone. I'm sure you're all wondering what's going on. Well, allow me to explain. My name is Malvolio Contreras, but you can just call me the MC. [laughter] [cheering]
- ♪ It's just a game ♪ [cheering]
- ♪ A little thrill ♪
- ♪ A touch of luck ♪
- ♪ Some time to kill ♪
- ♪ So come along ♪
- ♪ Don't be afraid ♪
- ♪ Let's sing a song ♪ (chuckles) [cheering]
- ♪ Let's misbehave ♪
- ♪ The rules are mine ♪
- ♪ And so is their fate ♪
- ♪ Now you called the shots, ♪
- ♪ They took the bait ♪ (chuckles)
- ♪ They're out of their depth ♪ (laughs)
- ♪ Oh, what a shame ♪
- ♪ So let's have a laugh ♪
- ♪ And feed the flame ♪
- ♪ No resurrections or clever plays ♪
- ♪ It seems their plot armor's seen better days ♪ Get out of here. [cheering]
ROBBIE and MATT: ♪ Fuck your faves ♪
ROBBIE: Allow me to introduce my sidekick, Merty, or Matt. Who gives a fuck? [laughter]
MATT: ♪ What's a story without some pain ♪
ROBBIE: ♪ I'm your host ♪
MATT: ♪ He's insane ♪
ROBBIE: ♪ I love the sound of a hero screaming ♪
MATT: ♪ Wakey, wakey ♪ ♪ You're not dreaming ♪
ROBBIE: Get over here
MATT and ROBBIE: ♪ So roll the dice ♪
ROBBIE: Hey!
MATT and ROBBIE: ♪ And watch them shatter ♪
ROBBIE: ♪ Live, laugh, or die ♪
MATT: (laughs)
MATT and ROBBIE: ♪ It doesn't matter ♪ [cheering] ♪ Fuck your faves ♪
ROBBIE: Don't you want to watch them burn?
MATT: Oh, you know it, boss!
MATT and ROBBIE: ♪ Fuck ♪ ♪ Your ♪ ♪ Faves ♪ ♪ Faves ♪
ROBBIE: (laughs) Start the show! [cheering] Hello, everyone! [cheering] Oh!
AUDIENCE: (chanting) TPK! TPK!
ROBBIE: TPK, you want to hear it? You want to say it? [cheering] Oh! You've just walked right into my beautiful evening. See, this is my own little pocket dimension, and nothing gives me more power than audience applause. So let me hear it again. [cheering] TPK! TPK! TPK! TPK! Oh, that feels so nice!
AUDIENCE: TPK! [cheering]
ROBBIE: I think this is going to go just fine.
MATT: Oh, I think so too, boss! I'm real excited!
ROBBIE: You see me and my sidekick here, Merty, have been together for years. Oh, you look better than ever!
MATT: Oh, speak for yourself! I'm just following in your lead, boss!
ROBBIE: Oh, I love to see it! We've got a special evening planned for you. You see, my favorite thing to do is put people through their trials and watch their tribulations. See, you love to lift up your heroes and I love to drag them down.
MATT: (laughs)
ROBBIE: Nothing's better than seeing your faves, and by the way, that name of the song was "Fuck Your Faves," as in favorites, not face. I know some of you heard that. I know it. [laughter] I know the minds of this audience. So we're going to mix things up tonight because I know there's nothing a fandom loves more than sudden change. [laughter] The top half of this show is going to be something a little different. And trust me, it's going to be fun. Don't worry! You're all a part of it, I promise. So Merty, what do we have planned for them tonight?
MATT: Oh, we're going to bring out your chosen heroes that we yanked from the realm. We're going to put them through a series of challenges, see what their capabilities are, set them against each other. Whoever loses, well, they get hurt. If they lose really badly, they get really hurt!
ROBBIE: Ooh, I love it when he gets excited! When he gets excited, I get excited. Not like that. [laughter] We have a few toadies backstage. [laughter] All right. [whistles] It's going to be a night like that. [cheering] We've got toadies backstage helping us out with this evening. So I'd like to check. Are any of our contestants back from their magic teleportation just yet?
MATT: You know, I think I sense an arrival right about now. Let's go ahead and let's bring in some Beauregard Lionett. How about that? [cheering]
ROBBIE: Yes! Yes! [cheering]
MARISHA: Ah! [cheering] [cheering continues] (Beau) What the fuck is this? [cheering]
ROBBIE: You look fantastic! Oh, would you mind having--
MARISHA: Ugh!
ROBBIE: I know.
MARISHA: Ugh! Oh, it's got branding! Oh, gross! [laughter] [laughter]
ROBBIE: (laughs) Corporate shills are one of my favorite things.
MARISHA: Who the fuck are you?
ROBBIE: Oh, I'm your host! Don't worry about the details. You can just call me MC.
MARISHA: I hate this.
ROBBIE: Good! [laughter] Feel free to take a seat. Merty, who else have we got on the docket today?
MATT: Here, we're pulling a very esteemed, very well known figure from Exandrian history. Big tall fella, big, bushy beard-- [cheering] -- and an unstoppable intellect. [laughter] Let's see if we can't get ourselves Mr. Grog Strongjaw is arriving right about now. [cheering] [cheering continues]
TRAVIS: (Grog) Oh!
AUDIENCE and TRAVIS: (chanting) Grog! Grog! Grog! Grog! Grog! Grog! Grog! Grog!
TRAVIS: Yeah, yeah, yeah! Man, I got to go boom-boom more often! Hey!
MARISHA: I know you!
TRAVIS: I know you!
MARISHA: I know you!
TRAVIS: Yeah!
MARISHA: What did you do?
TRAVIS: I took a shit. [laughter] (giggles)
MARISHA: Oh fuck!
TRAVIS: Woo! [laughter]
MATT: Take a seat right over there, Mr. Strong Strongjaw? Stonejaw?
TRAVIS: Strongjaw.
MATT: There it is. Okay, got it. Whatever.
ROBBIE: Close enough. Who's up next?
MATT: Up next, we got plucked out of space and ether a complicated figure, one who's seen quite a few cycles of life on the realm. The most recent one took over the pirate space. So we got a Kingsley in the pipeline coming to the stage here. [cheering]
TALIESIN: (Kingsley) Oh!
MATT: (laughs) [cheering]
TALIESIN: What? Oh, look at you. You must be the rulers of the tacky dimension! Well, bloody dumb! What is this?
MARISHA: I hate it.
TALIESIN: I hate--
MATT: Hey, don't make fun of that.
TALIESIN: Well I like that.
MATT: My mom made that!
TALIESIN: Clearly. [cheering]
MARISHA: At least we're together.
MATT: I like it.
TRAVIS: You're purple. (laughs) He's purple!
MARISHA: So are you, dummy!
TALIESIN: You know them? Who is that big one? [laughter] Ugh!
MARISHA: I'll explain later.
TALIESIN: (sighs) Bloody hell.
ROBBIE: Merty.
MATT: Oh, this is getting more and more ridiculous as it goes. I'm so excited! All right, looks like the next hero to compete here at Total Party Kill is a gentleman known for his, well, for his stinkiness, let's be honest. [laughter] His bodily upkeep's historically known to be a little under par. If we could bring out Caleb Widogast right about now. [cheering] [cheering continues]
TRAVIS: Boo! [laughter] (laughs)
LIAM: (Caleb) Oh, of course you are here too, eh? [cheering]
MARISHA: Hi.
LIAM: Beauregard, what is going on? What is this?
MARISHA: I think some sort of sick--
TRAVIS: A game, it looks like.
MARISHA: For their expense. I don't know. [cheering]
LIAM: One, two, three, four, five, six... [cheering]
ROBBIE: Yes, yes. It's around 6,000. Have a seat, please.
MATT: Ain't that cute? He's doing crowd work.
ROBBIE: I know.
MATT: (laughs)
ROBBIE: It looks like he has cats.
MATT: Sit down! Sit down!
LIAM: What?
MATT: Sorry. Boss, it's your show.
ROBBIE: Yeah, yeah. No, you're doing just fine. I'll just chitchat with them. Bring out the next one.
MATT: All right. Well, kind of in the theme, this one. He had a companion with their own unique journey. A mother, a fighter, a lover, and a camp counselor, apparently. If we can go ahead and have Veth Brenatto arrive on our stage. [cheering]
SAM: (Veth) Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah!
MARISHA: I know.
SAM: Ah!
MARISHA: I know.
TALIESIN: Yeah.
SAM: Ah! Ah!
MARISHA: I know.
MATT: Hi.
MARISHA: I know.
TALIESIN: We know.
SAM: (continues screaming frantically)
TALIESIN: We know!
MATT: Your seat's over here. Come on, sit down. It's all right. It's all right. You're going to be fine, maybe.
SAM: Ah!
TRAVIS: Sounds like a velociraptor.
SAM: Ah! Ah!
MATT: Welcome!
SAM: (yelping loses steam) [laughter] (yelping winds down) [laughter]
TALIESIN: I wanted a hat! [laughter]
SAM: Ah.
ROBBIE: Well, what do you think? "Ah!"
SAM: Ah? [laughter]
ROBBIE: All right, we don't have time for this bit.
SAM: Fjord isn't here! Yes! [laughter] I'm good!
ROBBIE: That's the spirit! [laughter]
MATT: I love this. We're getting close.
ROBBIE: Almost there.
MATT: All right. Our second to last arrival for the competition of the night is one who walks between many contracts, a woman who gets around in the most political of ways, I'd say. [laughter]
MATT: Fearne Calloway, please. [cheering]
ASHLEY: (Fearne) Oh! [cheering] (laughs) Oh, hello! Hello!
TRAVIS: Hi!
ASHLEY: Hi! Oh, I know you. I know you. I know you three.
MARISHA: Hi.
ASHLEY: I don't know you two. Wait. What-- (laughs) What is this? [cheering] Hi! Oh, hi! [cheering] What is this? This is hideous.
TRAVIS: This is called purple.
ASHLEY: Well I know the color. It's just really not flattering.
TRAVIS: Oh.
ASHLEY: This is ugly.
TALIESIN: I don't know--
ASHLEY: What's that? Oh my god! Oh, thank you very much. What's happening? I have to go back to my friends.
ROBBIE: Oh! Oh!
ASHLEY: They're going to die if I don't stay with them. [laughter] Can you send me back? I'm going to go back.
ROBBIE: Well no, not right now. Would you mind? And then suddenly, she's glued to her chair.
ASHLEY: Oh. (laughs) What the fuck? [laughter]
ROBBIE: Welcome to the show!
TRAVIS: (snorts)
ASHLEY: Oh. [laughter] (nervous moan)
SAM: How are you going to pee?
ASHLEY: I guess I just got to do it in my seat!
ROBBIE: If you make me a pinky promise that you'll stay for the first few rounds, I'll unglue your tush.
MARISHA: First few rounds of what?
ASHLEY: Yes. Thank you to the hot one. [laughter] First few rounds of what? [cheering]
ROBBIE: It's not the Q and A portion anymore. That was two hours ago. [laughter]
ASHLEY: All right, pinky swear.
ROBBIE: (pop) You're free.
ASHLEY: Oh, thank god! My ass is free. [laughter] All right. Well.
TALIESIN: I like that. [laughter]
MATT: On that note, our final contestant for the night in your games, master, is a... Oh, I think it's going to be a real wildcard night with this one! A follower of a strange idol beyond the realms of the divine, a touch of fey magic sits around her, a bit of water essence, and a whole lot of chaos. Let's go ahead and bring Jester Lavorre to the stage, please. [cheering] (laughs) [cheering]
LAURA: (Jester) What the? Hi! Oh my gosh! What is happening here?
ASHLEY: Hi!
LAURA: Hi!
ASHLEY: Oh my god, I remember you. Oh my god, I love you so much!
LAURA: You're coming to the wedding, right?
ASHLEY: Yes, I'm coming to the wedding. Thank you so much for the invite.
LAURA: Where's Fjord? Where's Yasha? What's happening?
ASHLEY: I don't know.
MARISHA: They're probably dead.
ASHLEY: I just ended up here.
LAURA: Is this Artie? Hi, what is happening? [cheering]
ROBBIE: Miss Jester, look over there at your seat! And poof, there's a pile of donuts and cookies right in front.
LAURA: (gasps) This is the best! Hi, who are you? Nice to meet you!
ROBBIE: Oh, my name's-- I'm the MC. It's so nice to meet meet you, too.
LAURA: We were in the middle of a fight. You know, you left my fiancé there. I don't know, maybe you should bring him here, too.
SAM: Jester, he's holding us hostage!
ROBBIE: I'll think about it. I'll think about it.
MARISHA: Do not indulge the crazy man!
LAURA: Hi!
MATT: Hi! Pleasure to meet you.
LAURA: Nice to meet you.
MATT: I've heard so much.
LAURA: Seriously, you should bring him here because he would be super--
MATT: Maybe later.
LAURA: But I like all the sparkles!
MATT: We got a thing we got to do.
SAM: These are the bad guys!
ASHLEY: Yeah, maybe you should--
LAURA: What do you mean?
ASHLEY: -- bring her fiancé because it looks like we're short on this side.
LAURA: Caleb! Come over here. This is the Mighty Nein side. Come over here.
MARISHA: What are you doing over there? [laughter]
ROBBIE: No, no. Sit--
LAURA: Caleb, what are you doing?
ASHLEY: Oh, I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry! I'm staying in my chair.
ROBBIE: That's a good point. Hello, audience. What do you think? We're all assembled. Do we feel good? Yes? Yes. [cheering]
MARISHA: No. [cheering]
MARISHA: No. No.
LAURA: Hi!
MARISHA: Jester, don't indulge them!
LAURA: No, but it's so cool!
ROBBIE: Oh yes, indulge them! Indulge them!
SAM: They're very attractive!
LAURA: You know, my mama performs on the stage.
TRAVIS: Look at all the hats! [cheering]
ASHLEY: It is a very beautiful crowd.
LAURA: I've always wanted to be up here, so.
LIAM: I have a question, please. Eine Frage. Who are all of these people?
MATT: Oh, these--
ROBBIE: Oh, these people?
MATT: Wonderful Exandrians, and all kinds of folks who have been affected by history far and wide and events of recent times. And everyone's a little on edge, and people that are on edge need relief.
ROBBIE: Souls from all around the realm! What about you? What region of Exandria are you from?
AUDIENCE MEMBER: The Shattered Teeth!
AUDIENCE MEMBER: Midwest!
ROBBIE: The Shattered Teeth!
LAURA: Oh!
TRAVIS: Whoa!
ROBBIE: Yes!
ASHLEY: Wow, that's a cool spot.
ROBBIE: What city do you hail from here in Exandria or the outer counties? [laughter]
AUDIENCE MEMBER: Illinois.
ROBBIE: Ah! [cheering]
ROBBIE: The mystical realm of Illinois! [laughter]
ASHLEY: Wow!
LAURA: Okay, okay.
TRAVIS: I never heard of that one.
MARISHA: Me neither.
SAM: It sounds so cold.
ROBBIE: Tonight we have a challenge.
LAURA: Why are some of them dressed up as us, though? That's weird. [cheering]
LAURA: Hi.
SAM: Oh! Maybe they're fans of yours, maybe. I see a lot of--
ASHLEY: One of them is dressed up as my friend Opal!
TALIESIN: You are a trendsetter.
LAURA: (laughs)
ASHLEY: Hi!
LIAM: All of you, rise up! Rise up together. Raise, rise up, and help us escape from this place.
MARISHA: Agreed. [cheering]
MARISHA: Do not be part of the problem!
MATT: Or--
ROBBIE: Oh yes!
MATT: -- are they all here to watch you suffer? [cheering]
SAM: Oh! [cheering]
MATT and ROBBIE: (laugh)
ASHLEY: Why are you so excited?
ROBBIE: The energy in Illinois is palpable! [laughter]
ASHLEY: (laughs)
LIAM: And so you are enemies.
ROBBIE: Don't worry.
LIAM: Enemies all.
ASHLEY: (laughs) [laughter]
SAM: Wait, we have to defeat all of them? [cheering]
LAURA: We could do it.
SAM: I could take the 20 up here.
LIAM: I didn't ask how big the arena is. I said: I cast Fireball! [cheering]
MATT: As you cast Fireball--
TRAVIS: Oh!
MATT: -- a bead of arcane flame ejects from your fingers and curls into a strange circular motion before you before it evaporates ineffectually and dispelled.
LAURA: Oh. Caleb, don't worry.
ASHLEY: Oh my god, it didn't do anything!
LAURA: It happens to Fjord sometimes, too.
LIAM: That normally never happens. [laughter]
MATT: About that time, you notice in the pattern that your flames are extinguished, you see the MC's finger swirl and snuff it.
SAM: Ah!
ROBBIE: They all say that. [laughter] No, no. Feel free to do whatever you like. It's only more entertainment for our friends. But if you'd indulge me, I'd love to play a few games with you. Maybe if you do well, you can find your way out of this place. Maybe, maybe, maybe.
MATT: Maybe, maybe.
ROBBIE and MATT: (chuckle)
TRAVIS: Okay! [laughter]
TALIESIN: Too, quickly, if this is what it looks like, there's got to be a prize. There's got to be something.
SAM: That's a-- Make it worth our while.
SAM: -- very good point!
TALIESIN: Thank you!
ROBBIE: Think of something you value more than anything. Perhaps your life.
TRAVIS: Ale.
LIAM: Eh. [laughter]
ROBBIE: We'll see what we can do later on in the show.
TRAVIS: Eyy! [laughter]
ROBBIE: Concession stands opened at intermission. All right!
TALIESIN: I've already got one.
LAURA: I can see some out there.
ROBBIE: Are you ready, Merty?
MATT: Oh, I'm always ready, boss!
ROBBIE: What do you say we play the very first game?
MARISHA: Oh gods. [cheering]
ROBBIE: I'll give you the title and Merty'll lay it out for you. Our first game is: Burst your Bubble.
MATT: (laughs sinisterly) A fine test of strength around the realm to see just how mighty some of you cats are.
LAURA: What is it?
MATT: We have on this side, the red team, this side, the blue team. And you are--
LAURA: Oh, Caleb!
MATT: -- against each other for the remainder of this game! (laughs)
LAURA: Wait, we're fight-- He's so huge, though!
ASHLEY: We're on different teams?
MARISHA: Also, why are there only three of them? I can tell you for a fact this is not balanced.
TRAVIS: Oh, I don't know about that.
ASHLEY: Listen, we're going to be okay.
LAURA: I believe you.
MATT: We never promised balance. We never promised fairness. We just promised entertainment. [cheering]
MATT: So each side choose someone to represent your strongest person. And I'd like you to make a strength check.
MARISHA: I think it's Jester.
LAURA: Strongest?
MARISHA: It's probably Jester.
LIAM: Strength check.
ASHLEY: I mean, I can--
SAM: Strongest?
ASHLEY: Wait, we're doing strength checks right now?
LIAM: Strength check.
LAURA: I think I am the strongest.
TRAVIS: Do I get advantage if I rage?
SAM: Want me to do this?
MATT: No.
TRAVIS: Fine! [laughter]
TRAVIS: (blows raspberry)
LAURA: The strongest?
MARISHA: I have faith.
LAURA: Oh god!
MARISHA: Wait, so we're all rolling?
TALIESIN: Yeah.
SAM: Wait, we're rolling?
MATT: Whoever is going to be helming this.
SAM: Oh.
TALIESIN: Not I.
LIAM: Caleb suddenly turns into a giant orange, amber colored ape. (poof) [cheering]
LAURA: Are you tanking for me? Veth!
SAM: I can do it. I can do this. Yes.
LAURA: But we don't even know what it is we're going to be doing.
SAM: I don't know what it is, actually. What are we doing?
ROBBIE: We're having a great time! What are you doing?
TALIESIN: I really want to see what you can do. I believe in you!
ASHLEY: Ah!
TALIESIN: Veth.
ASHLEY: Oh! Hello, a little late.
TALIESIN: Take the first one for the team. We're counting on you.
SAM: All right. Sure.
LAURA: Veth!
ASHLEY: Oh, oh! You are just--
LAURA: I don't know!
TALIESIN: It's like putting a rabbit into a cave.
SAM: I need a drink first.
TRAVIS: Did you roll yet?
SAM: Mm-hmm.
ASHLEY: I rolled.
LAURA: Wait, are you the strongest, Fearne?
ASHLEY: No, I don't think so.
LIAM: 22.
TRAVIS: I think the monkey is! (laughs)
ASHLEY: That's a 13 for me.
SAM: Nine for me.
TRAVIS: 16 for me.
SAM: Wait, are we all rolling? What's happening?
MATT: No. Only one person on each team is supposed to roll.
TRAVIS: Oh, you go.
ASHLEY: Oh.
LAURA: Wait, who's the--
MATT: It looks like they picked on their side a little outside of the rules! That might be a penalty later.
ASHLEY: Wait, wait. No, no, no.
MATT: It's fine. You've chosen the monkey!
ASHLEY: Okay.
MATT: He's bursting bubbles on your side.
ASHLEY: Oh.
MATT: Veth Brenatto, did you roll?
SAM: I did. I rolled a nine.
MATT: Perfect.
LAURA: Oh no!
SAM: Nine!
LAURA: Nein!
MATT: If we could have our stage associates come in and set the scene for our--
ROBBIE: You know what that means! Toadies, bring out the props! [cheering]
TALIESIN: Props? No one said there'd be props. Oh!
LAURA: Why are you a monkey?
SAM: Why is he a monkey?
TRAVIS: He turned into a giant ape!
SAM: Oh, he did?
LAURA: He did?
TRAVIS: Yeah. Giant ape Caleb.
SAM: Oh!
LAURA: I couldn't figure-- Caleb!
ASHLEY: Wow, look at that method acting.
SAM: Maybe you should do this.
LAURA: Caleb!
MARISHA: Oh! [cheering]
ASHLEY: This is making me a little nervous, to be honest.
TRAVIS: I can see his butt crack! [cheering]
LAURA: Seriously though, be careful.
MATT: Now one person from each team gets to be the holder.
MARISHA: Who's good at holding?
ASHLEY: I'm very good at holding.
LAURA: I mean, I could hold.
SAM: Caleb, it's me!
MARISHA: All right.
LAURA: Okay.
SAM: It's me!
TALIESIN: All right.
MATT: All right.
LAURA: Oh god!
MATT: Now, because you--
LAURA: What are we doing?
TRAVIS: What?
SAM: Aw!
TRAVIS: What?
LAURA: What's happening?
LIAM: You stink!
MATT: Because the monkey Caleb rolled so high on strength, not the highest possible, but pretty high, you get to use the--
LAURA: You rolled so low.
MATT: -- fully inflated balloons.
SAM: Oh.
MATT: And because you did not, you have to use the half inflated balloons
LAURA: Are these half inflated?
MATT: Both teams have 60 seconds--
LAURA: God!
MATT: -- to see who pops three balloons by the two of you just sitting on them-- [laughter]
MATT: -- with your compatriots readying and holding them in the spot.
TRAVIS: (laughs)
ROBBIE: And the sitter may not touch their own balloon. Only the holder can hold the balloon.
MATT: Indeed.
TRAVIS: They never let you touch your own balloon.
LAURA: I will hold the shit out of your balloon, Veth.
SAM: Okay.
LAURA: Don't you worry.
SAM: Thanks, Jester.
ASHLEY: Okay, okay. Listen to me. You need to put all of your weight on it and squish the shit out of this balloon. Okay? [cheering]
SAM: I'm so tiny!
ASHLEY: Don't use your hands.
LAURA: I know, that's what--
MARISHA: You've got to use that bony ass.
LAURA: -- makes it so difficult.
TALIESIN: Squeeze!
SAM: I have a very bony ass.
TALIESIN: Catch and squeeze.
LAURA: Okay, use your boney butt.
ROBBIE: Enough strategy!
ASHLEY: You got to sit and wiggle.
ROBBIE: Time for our very first dignified game. [cheering]
ROBBIE: Worthy of 10 years of lore and storytelling! [laughter]
ASHLEY: All right, all right, all right.
ROBBIE: Merty, are you ready with the timer?
MATT: Always ready, boss!
ASHLEY: I'm so nervous!
ROBBIE: On your mark!
LAURA: Traveler, with me! Okay.
ROBBIE: Get set. Drop that ass! (screaming)
ROBBIE: That's one!
MARISHA: Go! Go!
ROBBIE: Harder!
MARISHA: Come on!
LAURA: Pop it! (balloon pops) [cheering]
ROBBIE: Keep going!
LIAM: (growls) (balloon pops)
ROBBIE: Yes, he's got one!
LIAM: (screams)
ROBBIE: Three! If you can get the other two before time is up, you'll get a bonus! Don't quit! Don't quit! Keep going! [laughter]
ROBBIE: Shoot for three! Go! [laughter]
ROBBIE: Yes! [laughter]
ROBBIE: Will they have time? They've got five more!
LAURA: (shouts)
ROBBIE: Oh, this is better than I ever thought it would be! [cheering]
ROBBIE: Three!
MARISHA: Go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go! (laughs)
ROBBIE: This is just bonus. This is just showing off now.
TALIESIN: Put it back! Go, go, go! (balloon pops) Yeah!
ROBBIE: Yes!
TALIESIN: Squeeze that ass!
SAM: (squawks) [cheering]
LAURA: Go Veth! (balloon pops)
TALIESIN: Hey!
MARISHA: (screams)
SAM: Get away! Get away! (screams) Get away!
LIAM: (growls)
ROBBIE: Last 10 seconds. Here we go. Yes! [cheering]
MARISHA: We're out of balloons?
MATT: We're out of balloons! (laughs)
MATT: Do they have any more? Just take them!
ASHLEY: Oh my gosh! Oh, are we done?
ROBBIE: My god!
ASHLEY: That was exhausting!
ROBBIE: 60 seconds is a lot longer than we thought it was. [laughter] Would you believe we've never rehearsed this?
MARISHA: (laughs) [laughter]
SAM: (sighs)
ASHLEY: I'm exhausted!
LAURA: We weren't even doing the popping! (pants)
ROBBIE: It's improv, ladies and gentlemen! What was the final score, Merty? Do you recall?
MATT: It was a bit chaotic there, boss. [laughter]
ROBBIE: What, you can't do math?
MATT: No, but the best I can ascertain, the monkey had the edge.
LAURA: (gasps) What?
ASHLEY: Yes, the monkey did! The monkey did!
LAURA: The balloon is gone!
MARISHA: It's true.
MATT: And you're docked for cheating by removing the chair, the receptacle for the objective.
ASHLEY: Thank you to you, sir!
LAURA: That was Veth!
SAM: I don't even get to roll a sleight of hand to see if you saw that?
MARISHA: (laughs) [laughter]
MATT: You know what? I'll allow it. Roll sleight of hand.
TALIESIN: You've never heard fable of "Air Bud?" If it's not in there, if it doesn't say that--
MARISHA: Forgot the rule books.
LAURA: I'm sorry.
SAM: 32!
MATT: 32?
SAM: (laughs) [cheering]
MATT: Boss, I'm going to be honest, it looks like they somehow got rid of their chair halfway through the performance, and it put them on a bad path. So I'm going to have to give it to red team. RED TEAM: (shouts) [cheering]
TALIESIN: (sighs)
ROBBIE: Merty, Merty! You've always been my favorite rule!
SAM: Cheating pays off!
MARISHA: Yes, it does! [Laughter]
ASHLEY: Oh, is this the game we're playing?
SAM: Yeah! Yeah!
ASHLEY: So cheating will get you ahead?
SAM: Uh-huh.
TALIESIN: That's part of the rules.
LAURA: We didn't cheat! [cheering]
ROBBIE: Merty, tell them what they don't win.
ASHLEY: (gasps)
MATT: Oh, well, friends, the victorious, they get to gloat while the losers, well, in this realm, they get punished.
AUDIENCE MEMBER: I love you!
MATT: And you watch.
ASHLEY: I love punishment. [laughter]
MATT: You watch as Malvolio's hand--
ASHLEY: Oh no! I'm so scared!
MATT: -- begins to draw a massive, glowing infernal flame that suddenly engulfs all three of you in horrible scarring hellfire.
ASHLEY and TRAVIS: (scream)
SAM: No!
MATT: All three of you can't help but scream in resonating pain as the entire blue team takes--
MARISHA: Oh! Now I feel bad.
LAURA: Oh no!
ASHLEY: (mocking) Oh no, you feel bad?
TALIESIN: Just a little--
MATT: 21 points of fire damage.
ASHLEY: (gasps)
TRAVIS: She's been fucking cheating, you little piece of shit!
ASHLEY: Wait, wait, wait!
SAM: Yeah, bring it on, big boy!
ASHLEY: Are we, are we splitting that between us?
MATT: Each.
LAURA: (gasps)
ASHLEY: Each? How much?
TRAVIS: 21.
LAURA: 21 points?
MATT: What's the game called, Miss Calloway?
ASHLEY: Burst your pop. Pop your bubble. Pop your cherry. Pop the bubbles. (laughs) I forgot.
ROBBIE: Team, team, team! Blue team, huddle up, huddle up, huddle up.
TRAVIS: Yeah, yeah, yeah!
ROBBIE: Listen, listen, listen, listen.
TRAVIS: Yeah, yeah!
SAM: Okay.
ROBBIE: You are down a player.
ASHLEY: Yes.
ROBBIE: You're at a little bit of a disadvantage--
ASHLEY: Yes, we got it.
ROBBIE: -- and I was very sad to see you lose the last round.
ASHLEY: Yeah, that sucked.
TRAVIS: I thought it as pretty fun.
ASHLEY: But we actually really won. But that's okay.
ROBBIE: I'm going to do a little something. They can't hear us from here, all right?
TRAVIS: Uh oh!
ASHLEY: (laughs)
ROBBIE: Now I have shut down your magical abilities for the most part.
ASHLEY: Huh?
ROBBIE: But for the next few moments, say the next few minutes--
ASHLEY: Yeah.
ROBBIE: -- I'll allow you to cast a spell or two that could help each other out, or hurt the other team. Now don't hurt me. Oh, please don't hurt me! [laughter]
ASHLEY: Wait, wait.
TRAVIS: Wait, I have an important question.
ASHLEY: Okay, huddle up, huddle up, huddle up.
TRAVIS: Do you have magic?
ASHLEY: I do. [laughter] You don't, you're just a loser.
TRAVIS: Fuck yeah. Nope. Nothing.
ASHLEY: Hey, can you turn back into a person?
LIAM: (poofs) Yeah.
ASHLEY: Okay. Do you have magic?
LIAM: A little bit.
TRAVIS: Yes!
ASHLEY: Because-- [laughter]
ASHLEY: -- we can take some shots at them. Are you powerful? Are you strong? What can you do?
TRAVIS: We got shots?
ASHLEY: I've only seen a little bit of what you can do.
LIAM: Well, I don't want to kill any of them, I think. [laughter]
TRAVIS: Let's not be too hasty! Killing is good!
ASHLEY: Do we all take a turn?
ROBBIE: The last game was a game of strength. [laughter]
ROBBIE: And this game will be a game of, well, remind me, what comes after strength?
AUDIENCE: Dexterity!
TALIESIN: Blood.
ROBBIE: You've got it right! You are all so smart! Clap for yourselves! Yay!
ASHLEY: Woo!
ROBBIE: Yay! [cheering]
ROBBIE: Yay! [cheering] [whistles]
ROBBIE: We call this next game "The Traveler's Blessing."
LAURA: (gasps)
ASHLEY: Oh my god!
LAURA: Wait, are you friends with him? Because that make so much sense!
ROBBIE: The Traveler, he and I are just besties.
LAURA: Wait a minute! Wait, what is your name? MC? I've never heard-- Wait a minute.
ROBBIE: I would never fib to you, Jester!
LAURA: Is this the theater that he hates so much?
SAM: Oh!
ROBBIE: That's a deep cut in lore beyond my paycheck. [laughter]
ROBBIE: This game is called "The Traveler's Blessing." Toadies, please bring out the props!
LAURA: I want to do it! I volunteer as tribute!
TALIESIN: You don't even know what-- Oh!
MARISHA: Just wait. Wait, Jester. [cheering]
ASHLEY: Oh, my heavens!
ROBBIE: Ah, yes!
TALIESIN: Oh, I've had this nightmare before.
ASHLEY: Now are we supposed to sit on this? I'm unsure. [laughter]
MARISHA: Yeah. Well, all right.
TALIESIN: God spin.
ROBBIE: The sacred statue of the Traveler.
LAURA: Oh!
ROBBIE: Not to be mistaken with anything else. [laughter]
SAM: I like it!
ROBBIE: Merty!
TALIESIN: If your Traveler looks like that, you've got bigger problems than this.
ROBBIE: Fill them in, baby. How's this game work?
MATT: So each team chooses one person to be the channel of the Traveler.
LAURA: I'm the Traveler's channel! Give it to me!
TALIESIN: Oh dear!
MATT: While two other members of the team--
ASHLEY: I'll wear it.
MATT: -- get to try and toss rings atop it-- [laughter]
MATT: -- from a distance.
ASHLEY: Who's going to do it?
SAM: Two other members?
ASHLEY: Okay, I'm going to put this on.
LIAM: You seem like more of an athlete than me, my friend.
ROBBIE: Two teams.
SAM: Two teams.
ROBBIE: Two. Yes.
LIAM: Have you ever thrown a discus?
SAM: Two teams. Okay, great.
LAURA: (laughs)
MARISHA: It's dexterity based, right?
TALIESIN: Oh, we got to roll.
MARISHA: I'm very dexy.
TALIESIN: I'm pretty dexy myself.
SAM: I mean, I'm the queen of dex, but I just went so you guys go. Figure it out!
MARISHA: Should we Boulder, Parchment, Shears?
TALIESIN: I think we should Boulder.
SAM: You should.
MARISHA: No, you're in this, too.
SAM: I just went!
TALIESIN: Oh, that's fair.
MARISHA: Oh, okay. Well, then it's me and you.
TALIESIN: Yeah, I was just going to do it to see--
TRAVIS: Oh my god! Just do it!
TALIESIN: Fine!
SAM: One person! One person!
MARISHA: Oh, okay. Boulder, Parchment, Shears.
ASHLEY: (laughs)
MATT: There's two people.
LAURA: It's both of them.
MATT: I need two of you to roll dexterity.
TALIESIN: All right.
MARISHA: Okay.
MATT: Your two chosen over there, roll your dexterity.
MARISHA: Yep. That's great.
TRAVIS: Done.
MATT: What you got?
TRAVIS: Natural 20.
ASHLEY: Yeah, baby! [cheering] [cheering] [whistling]
MATT: Mr. Widogast?
AUDIENCE: Grog, Grog, Grog, Grog!
ASHLEY: Gorg, Gorg, Gorg, Gorg, Gorg, Gorg! [cheering]
LIAM: It's a nine for me.
AUDIENCE: Nein!
MATT: All right, your two folks over here. Roll your dexterity checks for me.
TALIESIN: 18.
MARISHA: And 23. [cheering]
MATT: I would like the natural 20 and the 23 to Rollsies for me right now.
TRAVIS: Oh shit!
LAURA: (gasps) [cheering]
ASHLEY: What?
TRAVIS: Let's go, abs!
MARISHA: 12.
TRAVIS: 19.
MARISHA: Ugh! [cheering]
MATT: All right.
ASHLEY: (laughs) [laughter]
MATT: So--
TRAVIS: Yeah! These motherfuckers over here! [cheering]
LIAM: As Grog begins to rise from his seat, I throw a bit of licorice into my mouth and pat him on the ass and cast Haste. [cheering]
ASHLEY: Ooh!
MARISHA: (laughs)
MATT: Okay. [laughter]
TRAVIS: I think I just got my butt grabbed! [laughter]
MARISHA: Veth!
SAM: What?
MARISHA: Do you have anything that can soup us up?
SAM: To soup you up?
MARISHA: Yeah, you've got tricks and shit.
SAM: Here. Here's some alcohol.
MARISHA: Oh, that's great! [laughter]
MARISHA: That's great! Thank you!
LAURA: (laughs)
MARISHA: Mm! Mm-hmm!
MATT: Now, could we please get the places of the various players?
TRAVIS: Yep! (grunts)
ROBBIE: Come over here.
MATT: The Traveler's chosen.
ROBBIE: The two of you who rolled have a choice to make.
TRAVIS: Okay.
ROBBIE: You can choose between these rings. The large rings are worth one, and these--
LAURA: You look so good in this hat.
ROBBIE: -- are worth 10.
MARISHA: 10?!
ROBBIE: 10!
ASHLEY: It's crazy that we both have dicks on our head and we look so cute.
LAURA: I know. Look so cute with dicks!
ASHLEY: Yeah, I love it. I really actually like this outfit.
TRAVIS: Give me the big one.
MARISHA: Yeah, I'll do the big ones, too.
ASHLEY: Yeah, it looks awesome.
MARISHA: These?
MATT: Big ones for each?
TALIESIN: Just to try something--
ROBBIE: While they divvy those up--
ASHLEY: I actually kind of like it.
LAURA: What?
MATT: Now, because you rolled higher and because you have your Haste on, you get 30 rings to throw on your side.
TRAVIS: Wow! Whoa!
MATT: Your side only gets 20. But you can choose any of the small rings, if you like, to replace.
LAURA: You've got this, Beau! You can do it! I cast Guidance.
TRAVIS: Oh. Shit!
MARISHA: I get Guidance?
ASHLEY: I do, too! I do, too! I cast Guidance.
LAURA: No, you didn't touch it! You didn't touch him.
TALIESIN: Hey, you big lug over there!
ASHLEY: (laughs) Okay. I know, but I touched him earlier with my finger.
LAURA: Doesn't matter! You didn't say it when you did it.
ASHLEY: Uh, Jester!
LAURA: Fearne!
ASHLEY: Okay.
LAURA: No, stay over there.
ASHLEY: I'm going to stay right here.
TRAVIS: Hey what's the thing on your helmet, by the way?
LAURA: It's the Traveler.
TRAVIS: It's a traveler?
MARISHA: It's a dick.
LAURA: Do you have a god? Listen, most of them disappeared. He didn't! You should go totally so worship him. He's the coolest!
TALIESIN: You're not wrong.
ASHLEY: Grog, listen to me.
TRAVIS: What?
MARISHA: You should be nimble with this, right?
ASHLEY: You're going to get those circles right on this dick, okay?
LAURA: What am I trying to do?
MARISHA: I'm going to get these on your Traveler dick.
LAURA: Okay, put them on.
ROBBIE: Come back this way. It's clearly just a statue.
LAURA: Okay, cool. Yeah, like that.
MARISHA: Like that. Okay.
LAURA: Oh, don't take it off. We got one.
ASHLEY: Okay.
LIAM: All right, Grand Poobah, you can do this! These things are pretty small.
ASHLEY: Holy moly.
LIAM: So you should have no problem. [laughter] [cheering]
LAURA: Oh shit! Hold on! I broke my helmet. I'll hold it. (laughs)
ROBBIE: All right, everyone.
ASHLEY: Yeah, I'm going to hold it.
ROBBIE: It's time for a test of dexterity. This is exactly what you came here for, is it not? [cheering]
LAURA: I broke my helmet! Ah, screw it!
ROBBIE: You'll take your turns one at a time. Help us count them out if they get a ringer on that dinger. [cheering]
ROBBIE: Let the games begin!
TRAVIS: Ladies first.
MARISHA: Oh my god!
LAURA: Are we going one at a time here?
MARISHA: Come on, come on, come on!
LAURA: You got this, Beau!
MARISHA: (groans)
ROBBIE: Okay.
TRAVIS: You went too low.
ASHLEY: Okay, I went too low?
SAM: Come on, Jester!
ASHLEY: Oh! (groans)
TRAVIS: It's okay. A little in and out is okay.
MARISHA: Okay, okay, okay.
TRAVIS: In and out is okay.
ROBBIE: The old in and out!
SAM: (shouts)
MARISHA: (groans) Too far.
LAURA: It went too high!
MARISHA: Okay, okay. I'm sorry. Too high. I'm going to go lower.
LAURA: I know you're not used to these things.
MARISHA: (groans) [laughter]
SAM: (shouts)
LAURA: (groans)
ASHLEY: Okay, I'm going to do this. [cheering]
MATT: Yes! No way!
ASHLEY: No!
MARISHA: Wait, wait, wait, wait!
ASHLEY: That felt really good.
MARISHA: Deflect Missiles!
ASHLEY: No.
MARISHA: Can I do that? (laughs)
MATT: You're the one throwing it. It's not really deflected. (laughs)
MARISHA: Fuck! Okay.
SAM: No!
LAURA: D'oh!
SAM: Arc it more! Arc it! Arc it! Just arc it!
LIAM: Let's go, Miss Calloway!
SAM: No! Arc it!
LIAM: Work that dick!
SAM: Arc it!
LAURA: Okay! Okay!
SAM: No! Arc it!
LAURA: You go so low!
ROBBIE: Yes! [cheering]
ROBBIE: Yes!
MARISHA: Okay, okay, okay, okay, okay. [cheering]
LAURA: Oh!
LAURA: Did I fuck that one up? That was me?
TALIESIN: No, no, no!
SAM: A little lower!
TALIESIN: I cast Blood Curse of the Eyeless on the big one!
MATT: All right, I need you to take three steps back, Travis.
ASHLEY: No! I cast Enhance Ability!
MATT: On?
LAURA: Wait. You have to touch him.
MATT: You have to touch him to do that. (laughter) (laughter)
ASHLEY: I cast Enhance Ability! [cheering]
ASHLEY: And I do the one, dexterity ability.
MATT: Do you have that prepared?
ASHLEY: Yeah, I do.
MATT: Are you sure?
ASHLEY: I'm positive!
MATT: Okay.
TALIESIN: I already picked her.
MATT: Well--
ASHLEY: That's so much more than three seconds!
MATT: Interesting point of order. Haste lasts how long?
LIAM: A minute.
MATT: Haste has now faded.
ASHLEY: (gasps)
MATT: You are stunned. So you drop two rings. (groans)
ASHLEY: That's all right, that's all right, that's all right!
MATT: But now you get to step back up to where you were and continue.
MARISHA: (laughs)
TRAVIS: I don't want to.
MARISHA: (groans)
ASHLEY: Okay. [cheering]
MARISHA: Who's up, by the way?
TALIESIN: I respect that.
MARISHA: All right.
ROBBIE: All right, let's go! We lose the arena at midnight.
MARISHA: Oh, it's close!
LAURA: (groans) Oh, Jesus! I mean crap! Okay. Traveler guide!
ROBBIE: Yes! [cheering]
ROBBIE: Let's go! [cheering]
MARISHA: Okay, okay, okay. [cheering]
SAM: Come on, Beau!
AUDIENCE: Grog, Grog, Grog, Grog, Grog!
ROBBIE: Oh!
ASHLEY: Oh! [cheering]
TALIESIN: Pop, pop, pop, pop!
AUDIENCE: Grog, Grog, Grog, Grog, Grog!
MARISHA: Oh, close!
ROBBIE: Ooh!
LAURA: (laughs)
ROBBIE: Just the tip! [laughter] (groans)
MARISHA: Some of these are painful.
LAURA: Some of these are--
LIAM: (groans)
MARISHA: They are painful!
ASHLEY: Yeah.
LAURA: (laughs)
ASHLEY: Come on, Grog! Get your head in the game!
MARISHA: Eye contact. Eye contact.
LAURA: Just like Traveler Con!
TALIESIN: Hey! [cheering]
LAURA: Oh, high! High!
ROBBIE: Oh!
LAURA: High every time!
ROBBIE: We just need a little competition.
MARISHA: Every time! I know! [cheering]
MARISHA: All right, all right, all right!
TRAVIS: Oh, what drama this is!
ASHLEY: (groans)
MATT: And don't forget, if you want to exchange any of your rings for the smaller ones for bonus points, it's always available.
TRAVIS: Fuck out of here for that.
ASHLEY: No. Those are way too small.
TALIESIN: Come on.
TRAVIS: Come on, Beau. Waiting on you!
MARISHA: No, they're small.
LAURA: They're so small.
LIAM: Let's go Grogory!
TRAVIS: Oh! [cheering]
SAM: Yes!
ROBBIE: (groans)
MARISHA: Ugh, that was way off! That was way off!
LAURA: Beau!
MARISHA: Just for shits and giggles. Let's see what happens.
TALIESIN: Yeah, yeah, yeah! I believe in you. [cheering]
TALIESIN: This is it.
MARISHA: Matt.
TALIESIN: I can't even lie.
MATT: Step of the Wind to give me some sort of speed and clarity? [laughter]
TRAVIS: Step of the Wind.
MATT: You can spend a ki point to Step of the Wind to throw mid-leap, and you can throw that ring from half the distance. [cheering]
ASHLEY: All right.
LAURA: It's teeny weenie. It's a teeny weenie.
LIAM: Yep. Right there.
ASHLEY: Step of the Wind.
LAURA: You've got this!
MARISHA: There's no way. This is stupid.
LAURA: That is so small!
MARISHA: Why did I do this?
TALIESIN: I believe in you.
MARISHA: I don't know either. Okay, okay, okay.
LAURA: It's our only shot!
MATT: (groans) Oh, so close!
LAURA: (groans)
ROBBIE: Oh! [cheering]
ROBBIE: Oh! Again!
ROBBIE: Oh!
MARISHA: Come on.
ROBBIE: He's locked in!
MARISHA: (laughs)
LAURA: Guiding Bolt! I Guiding Bolt Grog.
ROBBIE: Oh!
LIAM: Oh! [cheering]
MATT: Grog. Hold on. What level do you cast Guiding Bolt?
AUDIENCE: Grog, Grog, Grog, Grog!
MATT: Grog.
LAURA: Oh, he's got like--
MATT: Jester, what level do you cast Guiding Bolt?
LAURA: 2nd-level. [groans]
MATT: Grog, you take--
LAURA: I'm sorry! I got caught up in the moment.
MATT: Eight points of radiant damage and are shining brighter than the dawn sun as you throw this majestically.
LAURA: (laughs) [cheering]
ASHLEY: All right.
MARISHA: (groans) It's close. It was close.
ASHLEY: So great!
MARISHA: That was great!
ASHLEY: That was good.
ROBBIE: Give it up for Exandria's favorite god, the Traveler!
MATT: Come here and present the Traveler horns.
TRAVIS: Let me see. Wait a sec.
MATT: All right.
ROBBIE: One, two, three, four, five, six, seven.
LAURA: Lucky number seven!
MATT: One, two, three, four, five.
LAURA: Aw, man!
ROBBIE: (groans) [cheering]
ROBBIE: What a shame!
TRAVIS: Now, I'm not so good with numbers, but I think it's close!
ROBBIE: Merty--
ASHLEY: Yeah, Grog.
ROBBIE: Tell them what they've lost.
MATT: Well, friends--
LAURA: No.
MATT: Unfortunately, you are on the lower end of this competition. You gave it your all, you had good team unity, and that's respectable. But MC's got to punish you. Sorry.
LAURA: Don't do it!
ROBBIE: I know. I like you the best.
LAURA: We're having so much fun! Please! We'll be best friends. Why are you going to hurt us?
ROBBIE: We'll be best friends?
LAURA: Yeah.
ROBBIE: Wait. Stop, stop. Please, please. [laughter]
ROBBIE: I've never had a friend before.
LAURA: Look, MC. Listen.
ROBBIE: Yes?
LAURA: I'm getting married in a few months.
ROBBIE: Oh, I'm so happy for you!
LAURA: Thank you.
ROBBIE: Yes.
LAURA: And I don't have a maid of honor yet. [cheering] [whistles]
TRAVIS: Unbelievable!
ROBBIE: It sounds like the audience loves this idea. [cheering]
LAURA: Have you ever worn pink? I think you would look so good in it!
AUDIENCE: Malvolio!
ROBBIE: I would be honored and I'm going to cast the nastiest spell I have in my-- [laughter]
MATT: You watch as an endless black void of spite burns from a seamless source and tears through Jester's body sparking out backwards after it builds up inside, boof! Impacting like a shockwave across the rest of your team.
SAM: Ah!
MATT: Jester, you take--
LAURA: It's really cruel. I was serious. [laughter]
TALIESIN: You keep asking people to do that for you. It's getting ridiculous.
SAM: I thought I was going to be your maid of honor.
MARISHA: Yeah, we're literally all here Jester. We can hear you.
MATT: Jester, you take 38 points of necrotic damage.
TALIESIN: Whoa!
ASHLEY: Sir, that was rude.
MATT: And the rest of your team takes half that.
LAURA: Oh, I tanked it for you, though.
MATT: For 19.
MARISHA: 19.
TALIESIN: (blows raspberry)
LAURA: Oh no.
SAM: Yikes.
LAURA: I was just kidding. I love you guys. You are both my maid of honor. No, you're not because you're Fjord's best man, aren't you?
ROBBIE: Toadies?
TALIESIN: So sad, but it's true.
ROBBIE: Please come remove the props.
MATT: They're statues with cloaks on. Just wanted to clarify.
ROBBIE: Here you go. [laughter]
LAURA: Are you Cody? CODY: I can't--
ROBBIE: All right, everyone.
LAURA: Cody, I need a Kleenex. I'm so sad. Okay.
ROBBIE: That was pretty fun, we're moving the night along a little bit. You were so good at the last one. Why don't you help me with this one? What comes after dexterity? [yelling]
ROBBIE: Wrong, intelligence, next fucking game. [laughter]
ROBBIE: This will be a test of your smarts, your knowhow, your book learned-ness.
ASHLEY: Oh, great.
ROBBIE: Merty, tell them how this one unfolds.
MATT: Indeed. So for each team, three of your players, I need you to all make intelligence checks for me.
MARISHA: Three?
TRAVIS: Oh, okay.
ASHLEY: Sure. [laughter]
LAURA: Are you smart?
ASHLEY: Grog, Grog, Grog, Grog, Grog.
AUDIENCE: Grog, Grog, Grog, Grog, Grog, Grog.
MARISHA: Okay.
LAURA: How smart are you guys?
TRAVIS: I won't let you down. I let you down. [laughter]
MATT: Starting with team blue, what do we got?
TRAVIS: (laughs) Negative two modifier for a 17. [cheering]
TALIESIN: That's pretty good rolling.
LAURA: Why is he rolling so well?
TRAVIS: Listen.
MATT: Caleb, what'd you get?
LIAM: Well, I will tell you, but before I do, first I take out a little reed and whisper into it. Last person all the way to the left in this part of the audience and say: Listen, I need you to leave through the back door and find the rest of the Mighty Nein. We need them. The fate of everything relies on you. You may reply to this message.
TRAVIS: And some chocolate if you find some. Good. Okay.
LIAM: It's a 27 for me. [cheering]
MATT: And Fearne?
ASHLEY: Let's see, I have a negative one and I rolled a five. So four. [cheering]
MATT: Perfect. Which three of you will be competing in this trivia?
ASHLEY: Who?
MARISHA: I rolled a 21.
MATT: All right, Beau at 21.
LAURA: Do you want me to do it? Three need to do it.
TALIESIN: I'll do it.
LAURA: Okay.
TALIESIN: I rolled a 10.
MARISHA: Oh.
SAM: I rolled a 22. [cheering]
MATT: All right, and with that we got a--
TALIESIN: Bloody hell.
ASHLEY: I don't think I've met you before.
TALIESIN: No, and I've got to say, you're irritating and very attractive and it's confusing me quite a bit.
ASHLEY: Oh really?
TALIESIN: Yes.
ASHLEY: I like that feedback.
MATT: So, boss.
TALIESIN: Hi.
ASHLEY: Confusion. [laughter]
MATT: Each of you will be asked a question. It's up to you to answer. Based on how well you rolled it might adjust the difficulty and the options you have at your disposal. The team with the most correct answers at the end, avoids punishment.
LAURA: Ah.
ASHLEY: Are we allowed to phone a friend?
TALIESIN: What does that mean?
ASHLEY: I mean, if we don't know the answer, can we talk it out?
LIAM: I tried that, but they're not responding to the message! [laughter] ♪ (dramatic music) ♪
SAM and ASHLEY: (gasp)
MATT: I hope you have yourselves ready for a game, friends.
SAM: Sure.
MATT: Malvolio?
ROBBIE: Yes.
MATT: Why don't you take this away?
ROBBIE: Who doesn't love a little bit of trivia? Huh?
ASHLEY: I don't.
TALIESIN: I'm really not a fan.
ROBBIE: Yes. And who doesn't know all of the deep rich Exandrian lore before us?
ASHLEY: I don't.
TALIESIN: I don't remember what I had for breakfast.
LIAM: Definitely not the cast of Critical Role.
LAURA: (laughs) [laughter]
MARISHA: Sorry, Dani.
ASHLEY: Sorry, Dani.
ROBBIE: Who is this Dani you speak of? (laughter) [laughter]
TALIESIN: Priestess of the Knowing Mistress.
LAURA: Yeah.
ROBBIE: First question. Why not you, big guy?
TRAVIS: Wait, me?
ROBBIE: Yes, you. Handsome, strong, clearly smart.
MATT: You'll have 30 seconds to answer each of these questions.
TRAVIS: Oh.
ROBBIE: Since you did so well, I might give you a little multiple choice.
TRAVIS: Oh, thank the gods. Wait, does that mean there's multiple? Oh wait, I'm already lost. [laughter]
ROBBIE: This is going to be great. [laughter]
ROBBIE: Which of these celestial forces does the Matron of Ravens hold dominion over?
TRAVIS: I know that guy. ♪ (intense music) ♪
ROBBIE: Fate and masks. Death and undead. Winter and fate. Arcana and sadness.
TRAVIS: Death and undead. (mumbles) Check. Next. Number two.
ROBBIE: Is that your final answer?
TRAVIS: Yeah, dead and undead. Because she killed Vax.
AUDIENCE: Aw! (laughter) [laughter]
ROBBIE: Your answer was death and undeath?
TRAVIS: Well, isn't that what you said?
ROBBIE: Yes, is that even a word, undeath?
TALIESIN: It is now.
TRAVIS: Yes.
ROBBIE: And the answer is: Would you read that for me, Merty?
MATT: The answer is winter and fate. You are incorrect.
ASHLEY: Oh no.
LAURA: (laughs)
AUDIENCE: Oh.
LAURA: Wait a minute, I thought the Matron was about death.
LIAM: The opposite, really. She has a bit of a problem, I read.
TRAVIS: That just sounds like a branding error to me.
LAURA: Well, no wonder she's not here anymore. She's so stupid.
MATT: The answer was winter and fate.
ASHLEY: Winter?
MATT: And death's in there, too. It's a tricky question. You did good, boy, but that's one negative point for you.
TRAVIS: Oh, oh.
ASHLEY: Oh.
ROBBIE: Merty, Merty, Merty.
SAM: We're going to win this.
TALIESIN: Maybe it's like golf. The lower you get--
SAM: You're a member of the Cobalt Soul. You know everything.
MARISHA: Yeah, but, but I'm under pressure and a lot of people watching.
LAURA: Beau, you're going to be so good at this.
SAM: You're going to kill it.
MARISHA: Oh jeez.
ROBBIE: Okay, they can't hear us. I have two quick questions.
MATT: Yes.
ROBBIE: They're doing a little better than I thought they would and it's making me a little bit nervous. If you know what I mean. You've had more experience at this than I. Am I doing okay? Am I all right?
MATT: You're doing fine. Just, you know, stick to the script. Make sure you put it on really hard or make them fearful so that they don't get angry, and--
ROBBIE: Okay.
MATT: Yeah, yeah, you're doing great.
ROBBIE: And my last question is, if I say, "Is that your final answer" again, will we get sued? [laughter]
MATT: Is that your definitive response?
ROBBIE: I love the workaround. The next question. [cheering]
LAURA: Wait, Matt, were we able to hear any of that that was going on this time?
MATT: Make a perception check for me.
LAURA: Okay. (thinking noises) Mm. 20.
MATT: Yeah, you heard a little bit of that.
LAURA: Okay.
MATT: All right.
ROBBIE: Up next for the red team.
SAM: Come on, Beau.
ROBBIE: Beau.
LAURA: You got it, Beau, you got it.
ROBBIE: You did well as well.
LIAM: You can do this, Beauregard.
LAURA: You know everything.
MARISHA: Thank you, Caleb.
TRAVIS: You suck, Beau.
MARISHA: Thank you, Grog. [laughter] ♪ (intense music) ♪
MARISHA: (startled noise)
TRAVIS: What the hell was that?
ROBBIE: The massive body of water that exists between Issylra and Tal'Dorei is known as what?
LIAM: Oh, I know this one.
MARISHA: Okay, okay.
LAURA: What is it, Caleb?
ROBBIE: If you would like no multiple choices, I will give you two points if you answer correctly.
LAURA: Do you know it?
SAM: You've got this.
MARISHA: I'm pretty sure I know this.
LAURA: Do it, you got this.
MARISHA: But I really only know one ocean. [laughter]
ROBBIE: Would you like the multiple choice or no?
MARISHA: It might just confuse me. [laughter]
MARISHA: So I'm going to say the Lucidian Ocean?
ROBBIE: Is that your definitive answer?
TRAVIS: Definitive response.
MARISHA: That is my definitive response.
ROBBIE: It is.
ANNOUNCER: Five, four, three.
LAURA: Oh!
ROBBIE: Who's counting?
LAURA: What the?
SAM: Who's that? ♪ (intense music) ♪
MARISHA and TALIESIN: (startled noise)
MARISHA: Every time.
ROBBIE: Incorrect.
SAM: What?
TALIESIN: What?
LAURA: Oh no!
ROBBIE: The answer is the Ozmit Sea.
SAM: What?
MARISHA: The Ozmit, I should have known that.
LIAM: I knew it.
LAURA: I thought it was a sea. I thought it was a sea.
ROBBIE: And unfortunately, since--
SAM: You lived there!
LAURA: I know.
ROBBIE: No questions or answers.
LAURA: Different place.
SAM: Oh. Oh yeah.
ROBBIE: You get negative two points.
ASHLEY: What?
LAURA: (gasps)
TALIESIN: What, she didn't--
ROBBIE: My game, my rules.
MATT: That's how the boss works.
LAURA: He talks like he's compensating for something.
TALIESIN: Quite a bit, actually. [laughter]
ROBBIE: I don't know what you're talking about, my horns are huge.
SAM: Yeah, and see, are you a minotaur, by any chance? [laughter] [laughter]
ROBBIE: GM, what kind of look is Veth giving me right now?
SAM: (panting)
LAURA: (laughs)
MATT: Veth, what look are you? Yeah, that look.
LAURA: (laughs) [laughter]
LAURA: Stop!
TALIESIN: It's the only look she has, it's just one, and it's tits up.
LAURA: It never works for you, Veth, try another method.
SAM: Okay.
LAURA: That. [laughter]
ROBBIE: Yes, I am. I am not. Up next, Caleb.
ASHLEY: You got this, Caleb.
TRAVIS: You've got this, monkey man.
ROBBIE: You rolled particularly well.
LIAM: Keen Mind, don't fail me now.
ASHLEY: Guidance. [laughter]
MATT: He's already rolled, but I love the--
ASHLEY: All right.
ROBBIE: Cue the music, Merty. ♪ (dramatic music) ♪
ROBBIE: The mythical dragon Devo'ssa, protector of Ank'Harel, is storied to be what color? With a 27, you will get the multiple choice. ♪ (dramatic music) ♪ Brass, gold, platinum, silver? Brass, gold, platinum, silver? (ticking clock)
TRAVIS: Take your time. Don't rush it.
ASHLEY: You got this.
TRAVIS: If you have to touch yourself, that's okay. I'll do it when I get nervous. Let a little toot out, you'll be fine. I forgot the colors already, but you got this. Speak that weird language you talk.
LIAM: I have a definitive response.
ANNOUNCER: Five, four, three.
LIAM: The answer is... all about that brass. [cheering]
ROBBIE: Audience, was that correct?
AUDIENCE: Yes! [cheering]
ROBBIE: You are correct as well! (cheering) [cheering]
TRAVIS: (yelling)
ASHLEY: Good job.
LIAM: Grog dislocates Caleb's arm.
TRAVIS: Oh!
LIAM: Ah!
TALIESIN: I was literally born yesterday.
LIAM: I need to cast with that.
LAURA: Caleb, I can help you, just come over here.
ASHLEY: No, no, no.
TRAVIS: Blue team... better than red team. [laughter]
LAURA: To be fair, they have been beating us.
TALIESIN: That is--
LAURA: On everything. We have four people. What the fuck?
TALIESIN: To be fair, we've been beating each other.
MARISHA: There's two teams, there's two games that have happened and we have won one.
TRAVIS: We actually made up a song. It's called "Blue is Cool and that's the Rule." I'd rather be dead than--
ASHLEY and TRAVIS: -- you. [cheering]
LIAM: While I am sad to not be with my compatriots, I feel that our strength is in our diversity. [cheering] [cheering]
LAURA: I have doughnuts, who wants one?
SAM: I'll take a doughnut.
ASHLEY: I'll take a doughnut. (laughter) ♪ (dramatic music) ♪
MARISHA and ASHLEY: (startled noise)
ROBBIE: Next question, for the red team. And Kingsley, you didn't roll so well, so your question's going to be a little bit harder. But I will give you the multiple choice. (nervous laughter)
ROBBIE: What creature is emblazoned on the crest? The crest. What creature is emblazoned on the crest of the Dwendalian Empire?
TALIESIN: You said the multiple choice, well, get on with it.
ROBBIE: An owl, a wolf, a hawk, or a lion. ♪ (dramatic music) ♪
LAURA: Do you know?
ROBBIE: What creature is emblazoned on the crest--
LAURA: Beau, you know this, right?
ROBBIE: -- of the Dwendalian Empire? An owl, a wolf, a hawk, or a lion?
TALIESIN: I think, if I remembered correctly, it's an animal that means when this gets towards the end, I'm going to make sure that you fucking die at the end of my sword.
ANNOUNCER: 10 seconds remain.
TALIESIN: Per you in particular, your bloody friend. You're not going to survive this. And I think it's a wolf.
ANNOUNCER: Four, three. ♪ (dramatic music) ♪
ROBBIE: All that bravado and such a weak libido. The answer is an owl!
LAURA: (groans) Oh, we are going to get hurt again.
SAM: My god.
MARISHA: It's okay.
SAM: Caleb, have pity on me. [laughter]
SAM: I'm a mother. [laughter]
LIAM: Do you want me to cast Banish on you right now and send you home?
SAM: No, because as bad as we're doing, I think we'll do worse without me. [laughter]
LIAM: That is a fair point, carry on.
SAM: You can reply to this message. [laughter]
ROBBIE: Something catches Malvolio's eye in the moment between games and in his own dimension he slowly and quickly looks back over the last 10 seconds to what Kingsley said to him about hurting him, about taking his power, about killing him. And he tries to remind himself of the audience's reaction. Kingsley, what did you say to me again?
TALIESIN: Before this is over, I'm going to make sure that you meet my sword.
ROBBIE: And what did the audience sound like after he said those words? [cheering]
TALIESIN: I think that they think I'm hot and you're not. [cheering]
ROBBIE: If you were perceptive, you would see one tiny sequin fall off of my jacket. (gasping)
ROBBIE: Next question!
SAM: His ego is his weakness!
ROBBIE: Up next we have Fearne. Fearne, you look delightful.
ASHLEY: Yes, I am a professor, so I probably will actually know the answer to what you're going to be asking me. Yeah. Professor Princess. ♪ (dramatic music) ♪
ASHLEY: Oh my god!
ROBBIE: This question's going to be somewhat more difficult. Mythburrow is the layer--
ASHLEY: That is.
ROBBIE: You're cooked already.
ASHLEY: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
ROBBIE: All right, all right.
ASHLEY: Okay, I'm going to know the answer.
ROBBIE: Mythburrow is the lair of which dragon?
SAM: What?
ASHLEY: Okay.
SAM: Mythburrow?
ASHLEY: And I don't get multiple choice because I rolled bad, right? I just get to guess. May I, may I?
TRAVIS: Shut up and let him--
ROBBIE: What do you think, Merty?
ROBBIE: Give me your input on this one.
MATT: Yeah, give her multiple choice. She seems nice enough and lost and confused.
ROBBIE: Okay.
AUDIENCE: Gelidon.
ASHLEY: Yeah, give me a multiple choice.
ROBBIE: Rimefang. Gelidon.
ASHLEY: Great, great.
ROBBIE: Help me with that one? My glasses are a little bit.
MATT: Vorugal.
ROBBIE: That's the one.
MATT: That's right, okay.
ROBBIE: And one more?
MATT: Raishan.
ROBBIE: Your time begins now.
ASHLEY: Okay, listen, can I cast sleight of hand and look at the answer? [surprised yelling]
MATT: Are you going to get up from your chair to do so?
ASHLEY: Yeah, I'll do it.
MATT: Make a sleight of hand check.
ASHLEY: Okay. [cheering] [cheering]
ASHLEY: Dirty 20.
MATT: Make a perception check.
ROBBIE: Perception check?
ANNOUNCER: 10 seconds remain.
ROBBIE: It's bad.
LAURA: Oh.
ANNOUNCER: Five, four, three, two, one. ♪ (dramatic music) ♪
MATT: You glance quickly from the edge of the table over and get one quick look at the card.
SAM: Do I see her doing this?
MATT: Yes.
ROBBIE: And I mean--
SAM: I'm going to cast Phantasmal Force-- [laughter]
SAM: -- and make her see, if it works, and make her see the word Thordak. [laughter]
MARISHA: Let's go, bitch.
MATT: Fearne, I need you to make an intelligence saving throw, I believe, right?
ASHLEY: Come on!
TALIESIN: (cackles)
ASHLEY: Fuck!
TALIESIN: Oh.
LAURA: (laughs)
ASHLEY: It's a damn six. [laughter]
ROBBIE: It says Thordak.
MARISHA: (laughs)
LIAM: Does Fearne remember that Thordak was not spoken aloud 30 seconds ago?
MATT: Do you?
ASHLEY: Yes.
MATT: Then what's your answer?
ASHLEY: My answer is what I saw on the card when I rolled my perfect sleight of hand to see the answer.
LAURA: The answer said Thordak.
MATT: That said Thordak.
ASHLEY: The answer said Thordak?
MATT: Yeah.
ROBBIE: Rimefang, Gelidon, Vorugal--
ANNOUNCER: Ten seconds remain.
ASHLEY: I have to go Thordak.
ROBBIE: -- Raishan.
ANNOUNCER: Five, four-
ASHLEY: I was going to say-- Thordak. (laughter) [laughter]
ASHLEY: Right? I saw it plain as day. It was so huge on the paper.
ROBBIE: Unfortunately, that's incorrect. The answer is Gelidon.
ASHLEY: Oh shit.
ROBBIE: I'm so sorry.
ASHLEY: All right, I see how we're playing, bitch.
MATT: Now, boss, that was an answer that was not even given as part of the multiple choice.
ROBBIE: Oh, you're right.
MATT: It's pretty out left field.
ASHLEY: How did that happen?
ROBBIE: Yeah.
LAURA: You're a professor, maybe did you just remember the correct answer? Were they trying to trick you, maybe?
ASHLEY: And maybe they were.
LAURA: Yeah.
TALIESIN: I think the question's wrong.
SAM: Maybe Grog's dumb is spreading. [laughter]
TRAVIS: Wouldn't be the first time something I've had is spreading. [laughter]
LIAM: I Message Veth and say: You are not allowed to use the tower for your date nights for six months.
AUDIENCE: Ooh!
SAM: But it's got that swing we like.
LAURA: Ugh. [laughter]
SAM: Ah. [laughter]
TRAVIS: (laughs) [laughter]
TALIESIN: I think that broke him. [laughter]
TRAVIS: And so many fucking cats in the tower. (laughter)
LIAM: Yeah, yeah, normally the cats are just on it like it's a cat tree. They hang out all over it. They have no idea the debauchery that happens when the doors are closed.
LAURA: Ew. [laughter]
SAM: It's for pussies.
LAURA: I feel like the cats would know. [laughter]
ROBBIE: It's time for the final question red team.
LAURA: You got this, Veth.
MARISHA: You got to bring it home.
ROBBIE: The score is currently negative two to negative three. (laughter) [laughter] [cheering]
TALIESIN: Bring us home. Bring us home.
ROBBIE: Veth, I'll make you an offer with a 20. If you would like to answer this question with no multiple choice, you may have two points assuring the win. If you would like to answer this easy question with multiple choice, it would tie the game. What would you like to do?
AUDIENCE MEMBER: Go big or go home!
MARISHA: Do we not get to hear the question first?
ROBBIE: You do not.
SAM: Audience, what should I do? [shouting]
ROBBIE: Stop! Please, if you'd like to see them ask and go and get all the questions as multiple choice, make some noise, multiple choice for the tie. [cheering]
LAURA: I think we got to go big.
ROBBIE: Go big or go home? [loud cheering]
SAM: All right, I'm going big or going home. I'm going to say a little prayer to this thing that I stole off of a stagehand in the back. [laughter]
LAURA and TRAVIS: (laugh)
ROBBIE: It's time.
SAM: Let's go.
ROBBIE: The historical era when the gods of Exandria first divided into Prime and Betrayer at odds with each other, is known as what?
MARISHA: You know this. You know this.
TRAVIS: You're an executive producer on both animated series, you know this.
ASHLEY: This is such an easy question.
ROBBIE: The historical era, when the gods of Exandria first divided into Prime and Betrayer at odds with one another, is known as what era?
TRAVIS: Don't tell him. Don't you fucking tell him.
SAM: I really don't pay attention when Matt talks. [laughter]
MARISHA: You know this!
ANNOUNCER: Ten seconds remain.
ASHLEY: You know this.
SAM: All right. Only it rhymes with gism.
LIAM: I cast Polymorph.
SAM: Schism!
LIAM: Sloth.
MARISHA: She got it out.
LIAM: Not before I said I cast Polymorph.
MATT: Make--
LIAM: Said, "Rhymes with gism."
MATT: You said it was a wisdom saving throw for that, right?
LIAM: Yeah.
MATT: Make a wisdom saving throw, Veth.
LAURA: Nyah!
SAM: 25.
LIAM: She beats it! [cheering]
TALIESIN: That's right.
ROBBIE: It's time for your definitive response.
SAM: Schism, bitch.
ROBBIE: Correct!
MARISHA: Yay!
ASHLEY: Yeah.
LAURA: Woo-hoo!
ASHLEY: All right, all right.
TALIESIN: Oh, mommy.
LAURA: Oh my god, you're so smart. You're even smarter than Beau.
SAM: I cast Intellect Fortress on myself, that's why.
LAURA: Really?
SAM: Yeah.
LAURA: I didn't know you could even do that kind of thing.
SAM: I can, it's a 3rd-level spell.
ROBBIE: Merty, tell them what they've lost.
MATT: Well, with a victory over here on the blue team, or the red team, I apologize, a little color blind. Blue team over here, an unfortunate loss, and in this circumstance, you're going to have to taste a little bit of the Abyss, my apologies. Watch as Malvolio lifts a hand in the air and the ground cracks underneath and you hear the screaming of 1,000 souls and suddenly you feel a bit of your essence torn and sent into the ground below.
ASHLEY: Ugh.
SAM: Malvolio.
ASHLEY: Boo. [booing]
MATT: The red--
TRAVIS: It's not so bad.
MATT: The red team takes 21 points.
ASHLEY: You're really not making the audience happy.
TRAVIS: Red team or the blue team?
MATT: Sorry, blue team. Blue team takes 21 points of necrotic damage.
LAURA: You want us to look sad? You keep saying-- [booing]
ROBBIE: Just a little gassy from the catering is all. Next game, next game. Shut up. [laughter]
ROBBIE: It's a constitution game. Mine's not feeling so well right now. This next game is called Tough Shot.
SAM: Oh.
ROBBIE: So who among you is the toughest? Ugh. Give me a second. Merty, can you please explain this one, I'm not feeling so well.
MATT: Of course, of course. I would appreciate three members of each team to make a constitution check to see the order in which you will be enjoying and imbibing some substance that you're unaware of. Upon drinking it, you have to make no face--
TALIESIN: Whatever.
MATT: For five seconds.
SAM: You guys do it.
TALIESIN: Yeah, yeah. I've got it.
ASHLEY: This is constitution?
MARISHA: What is it? Saving throw or check?
MATT: Just a check.
LAURA: Just a check, okay.
MARISHA: Okay.
ASHLEY: Wait, you said this is con--
MATT: Constitution.
ASHLEY: Okay.
MARISHA: Oh.
SAM: You know, I feel kind of bad about that last round, so even though I'm the best at drinking alcohol, I'm going to sit this one out.
LAURA: You are really good at it.
SAM: I'm so good at it.
LAURA: Are the three things-- Is it like milk?
LIAM: Your swing is off limits for 12 months. Keep it up.
TALIESIN: Without the swing, that'll be hard.
MATT: All right, so for this regard, on this side, what are the rolls?
LAURA: Oh no, Beau.
TRAVIS: Say it.
MARISHA: Five.
TALIESIN: 15.
LAURA: 22.
SAM: Woo. [cheering]
MATT: Jester, Kingsley, then Beau; is going to be the order. On this side.
TRAVIS: 21. [cheering]
LIAM: 20. [cheering]
ASHLEY: I think that was a seven. [cheering]
LAURA: (giggles)
MATT: All righty.
MARISHA: Let's go. Let's go fish.
ASHLEY: Let's go, B.
MARISHA: Let's go, BB.
ROBBIE: Let's speed this along. I'm ready for intermission. Toadies, bring it out. Whoever rolled the best, come see me. Come, come, come.
MATT: That would be Jester and Grog. Please come sit here at the table.
LAURA: Hi, Grog.
TRAVIS: Ope, hi.
ROBBIE: Hello, Grogory.
TRAVIS: Hello, it's very nice to meet you.
LAURA: Hi, it feels really cool to be at this table now.
ROBBIE: Would you like to--
LAURA: Do we sit down?
ROBBIE: On the other side, you can sit, if you'd like, but if you could stand at this corner, it would be even--
LAURA: Oh, you don't want me to sit down where you've been sitting?
ROBBIE: Sit, sit. Yes, yes, that's perfect. Yes, you run the show. Sorry, I'm not quite feeling myself.
TRAVIS: What? Whoa. What?
LAURA: Are you okay?
ROBBIE: I'm just fine, have a seat.
LAURA: You look a little ill.
ROBBIE: Yeah, well you look a little blue.
LAURA: I'm always blue.
ROBBIE: Oh, that's a little harder.
TRAVIS: Thank you very much, kind sir.
LAURA: What is happening?
ROBBIE: You two make a beautiful couple.
TRAVIS: I'm suddenly very nervous.
LAURA: Oh. (spooky laughs)
TRAVIS: Why do they look so weird?
LAURA: Hi.
TRAVIS: Hi!
LAURA: Nice to see you.
TRAVIS: Nice to see you.
ROBBIE: Are you two feeling confident?
LAURA: Yeah.
ROBBIE: Good.
TRAVIS: What did you say?
ROBBIE: Are you feeling confident?
TRAVIS: Confi--?
ROBBIE: Confident, proud of yourself. Strong, yes, strong. You're first to go. Don't worry, this won't be so bad. Merty, tell them what they're having this evening.
MATT: Oh, well, this here-- You know what, let's keep it a mystery.
ROBBIE: I love a good mystery.
MATT: Let them discover the flavor as it hits their palate.
LAURA: Do we do it all at once, or--?
ROBBIE: We're going to count them down, three, two, one, and then we start. The goal here is to make no face whatsoever, good or bad. Are you ready? At the same time, on the count of three. Here we go, three!
ROBBIE and AUDIENCE: Two! One! [laughter] [cheering]
ASHLEY: (laughs) [cheering]
ROBBIE: Looks like two points for each team.
ASHLEY: What was it?
ROBBIE: One to the other. Give it up for our contestants! Excellent, excellent. The first shot was simply a--
MATT: That my friend was a-- It's not written on my sheet here.
TRAVIS: Can I have more if you find any?
LAURA: Yes, it was pretty tasty.
ROBBIE: Grog, what did it taste like to you?
TRAVIS: Oh, booze.
ROBBIE: Yeah. [laughter]
LAURA: It tasted like sugary booze.
ROBBIE: I'm pretty sure it was just a birthday cake shot.
MATT: It was a birthday cake shot.
ROBBIE: So we're good to go. We're just loosening up for the second half. This will surely be as pleasant. Round two. Get your ass up here, let's go.
MATT: Caleb, Kingsley to the table.
ROBBIE: Chop chop. Come on.
MARISHA: Red team!
ROBBIE: Oh, swagger.
TALIESIN: Does it occur to you that maybe--
LIAM: May the best man win.
TALIESIN: We're paying a little too much attention to beating each other and not the actual problem.
ROBBIE: Lock it up. That's the lemon juice. These are cement mixers. Get after it. Go! Three, two, one! [cheering] (laughter)
ASHLEY: Little tear.
TRAVIS and LAURA: (laugh)
LAURA: Don't make a face, Kingsley, stop it!
ROBBIE: Another two points one for each team. Fuck!
ASHLEY: Good job, Caleb. Good job, Caleb.
ROBBIE: I'm sorry!
ASHLEY: You did great.
SAM: Not working out for ya, is it, MC? You're failing.
LAURA: Yeah, did you work really hard on this or something because I feel bad for you.
ROBBIE: Yes, look at the production value, it's a lot.
TALIESIN: That was a shit shot.
ROBBIE: Last one, get up here.
ASHLEY: All right, bitch. Let's go.
ROBBIE: This one won't be easy I promise.
MARISHA: Are you used to having strange liquids in your mouth?
ASHLEY: (giggles) Yes, I am.
MARISHA: Yeah. [laughter]
TALIESIN: I like her.
ROBBIE: Toadies. You've already poured it. Well, this is a local favorite from the great land of-- [cheering]
ROBBIE: -- Illinois.
TALIESIN: I know what this is.
SAM: I know.
TRAVIS: Holy shit.
ROBBIE: On the count of three, we will prepare to pray to the porcelain gods.
MATT: I will say as part of this--
ASHLEY: I got to stand.
MATT: You got to swish before you swallow. [cheering]
ASHLEY: Swish before you swallow?
MATT: Yeah.
TALIESIN: Oh yeah.
SAM: Have you ever had this before?
ROBBIE: No faces.
TALIESIN: I'm so excited.
ASHLEY: Why are you all standing like you're excited to see what this is?
LAURA: We want to see it.
ASHLEY: What is this?
TALIESIN: I want a better view.
ASHLEY: Can I smell it?
MATT: No.
ASHLEY: Fuck.
ROBBIE: On the count of zero, we'll say three, two, one, you know what it is.
ASHLEY: Okay.
ROBBIE: Three!
ROBBIE and AUDIENCE: Two! One!
LAURA: Go, Beau.
MATT: Go.
LAURA: Go!
AUDIENCE MEMBER: Yes! [cheering]
TRAVIS: Whoa! Whoa!
LAURA: They're hard core.
SAM: Impressive. ♪ (upbeat music) ♪ [cheering]
ROBBIE: Someone loves Illinois, I see.
SAM: Wow.
ROBBIE: Fine, fine, go back to your seat, we're all tied up.
ASHLEY: That feels like fire.
LAURA: Wait, what was it?
ASHLEY: It feels like liquid fire.
TRAVIS: Like fire?
ASHLEY: Yeah, I don't know. What was that?
ROBBIE: What the fuck is happening?
MARISHA: Malort.
ROBBIE: They're supposed to make a face.
MATT: I know, we're trying to do our best here, but they're a little fucking good.
ROBBIE: Your best isn't good enough!
MATT: They're a little tougher than I expected, okay?
ROBBIE: Toadies, bring me another shot.
LAURA: You guys, do you need some Guidance or something?
ROBBIE: I don't need anything from you.
TALIESIN: You need a bloody mixologist.
ROBBIE: You think you're so fucking good.
TALIESIN: We are!
ROBBIE: Such proud heroes and spies. You think you're so fucking special.
TALIESIN: Who hurt you, you weirdo?
ROBBIE: Pick someone from the three and four of you. Anyone, I don't care.
TALIESIN: I'll go, unless you want to?
LAURA: You haven't gone yet, though.
LIAM: Go ahead, Grog.
SAM: I haven't gone.
LAURA: Veth should go.
ASHLEY: I can do it.
TRAVIS: You want to go?
LAURA: Veth should go.
TALIESIN: Okay.
ROBBIE: Step up.
LAURA: Do not make a face, Veth.
TALIESIN: You fuck this up, woman, I will--
ROBBIE: It's tied.
TALIESIN: Burn that bloody swing.
MARISHA: Oh, Ashley's back up?
LIAM: Yeah.
TALIESIN: They've only got three.
ASHLEY: Yeah, fool.
ROBBIE: This one's worth 1,000 points, I don't care anymore.
LAURA: Nobody's had more shit in their mouth than Veth.
ROBBIE: This is tequila.
ASHLEY: Ugh.
ROBBIE: This is--
TALIESIN: Oh, that's probably--
ROBBIE: Hot sauce. In my neck of the woods--
SAM: Holy shit. [laughter]
TALIESIN: Don't you fuck this up, Veth.
ROBBIE: We call this a prairie fire.
ASHLEY: (gasps) [cheering]
TALIESIN: Why did you say yes to it then? [cheering]
ASHLEY: Prairie fire?
LAURA: (laughs)
MATT: Now you see why he's the boss? (giggles)
ASHLEY: Respect, respect to you. What's your name? Machiavelli? What did you say your name was?
MARISHA: You want to tag out?
TALIESIN: Tag out?
TRAVIS: There's no tagging out.
LAURA: You want to tag out?
SAM: I'm going to lose.
LAURA: No, you're not.
MARISHA: Is it too hot? Are you good with spicy?
MATT: It's too late, friend.
SAM: I'm going to lose!
ASHLEY: Now you have to stay.
ROBBIE: You're going to do just fine.
ASHLEY: You'll be fine.
LAURA: Veth--
ASHLEY: You'll be fine.
LAURA: -- get it together.
MARISHA: Pucker your asshole, Veth.
ASHLEY: Oh god.
SAM: That's so red! [laughter]
ROBBIE: I put a little extra in for you.
TRAVIS: (laughs)
TALIESIN: Suck it up, soccer mom.
MARISHA: Come on. Come on.
TALIESIN: I want to fucking see it.
LAURA: We made a mistake.
ROBBIE: Three, two, one! ♪ (intense music) ♪ [cheering]
LAURA: (laughs) Veth, get it together!
TRAVIS: Fucking dimples!
TALIESIN: Don't you fucking do it.
TRAVIS: Look at those fucking dimples
MARISHA: Don't do it.
TALIESIN: No.
MARISHA: Don't do it. ♪ (dramatic music) ♪
TRAVIS: Oh! [cheering]
LAURA: (laughs)
ASHLEY: Holy shit.
SAM: Wow!
ASHLEY: Ugh.
SAM: (coughs) (laughter)
LAURA: Was it?
SAM: (coughs)
ROBBIE: Congratulations, you both win. I'm so happy for you.
MATT: It's great, you've also all made a mess of my DM screen.
LAURA: Oh no, it really did get messed up.
TALIESIN: Oh, I actually feel bad about that.
ASHLEY: My interior of my body feels like it's on fire.
LAURA: I kind of want to try it, though.
ASHLEY: I'm going to have a hot shit tonight.
ROBBIE: All right. All right, we've got to move this along.
LIAM: Yeah. Your shard acting up? Are you going to shard?
ROBBIE: What's that?
ASHLEY: I'm going to shard, for sure. Hot shart.
LAURA: What's going on?
ROBBIE: Yes, yes, I hear you, I hear you.
LAURA: Who's he talking to?
ROBBIE: Yes, yes, we're working on it, all right?
TRAVIS: He's getting a call.
ROBBIE: Jesus Christ, another stage manager in my ear. Up next, second to last game, Wisdom.
TRAVIS: Wisdom! Wisdom! Wisdom!
ASHLEY: Oh!
ROBBIE: Toadies, bring out the props!
TALIESIN: Do you want to paint, or should I paint?
LAURA: I'm smart, but really wild.
TALIESIN: You're also a good artist.
MATT: Pick one person from each team.
TALIESIN: You're the best artist. Let's be honest.
MARISHA: One person?
MATT: To draw.
LIAM: I have good wisdom.
TRAVIS: Yep.
ROBBIE: The second to last game--
TRAVIS: I have shit wisdom.
ROBBIE: -- is called "Intuitive Drawing."
SAM: Oh! [laughter]
SAM: Jester, you've got this!
LAURA: Okay, okay, okay, okay, okay!
TALIESIN: I believe in you.
TRAVIS: I'm a really good artist.
ASHLEY: I'm burping like crazy.
LIAM: You're also dealing with that. [cheering]
SAM: Oh my god!
LAURA: Is this a saving throw or a check?
ASHLEY: Not me.
ROBBIE: Merty, could you give them the rundown?
TRAVIS: Do you draw well?
LIAM: Pretty good.
MATT: So both of you choose one person from your team.
ASHLEY: Sorry, guys.
MATT: I'm going to have you roll a wisdom check. Based on what you roll, you'll be given a prompt from me, quietly, and you have to draw it while blindfolded.
TRAVIS: (laughs)
MATT: You'll have 30 seconds for your team to try and guess it. If they fail to do so in 30 seconds, the opposing team has a chance--
TRAVIS: Oh no!
MATT: -- to steal the points. We're going to do two rounds each team--
SAM: Wait!
MATT: -- and see who wins.
SAM: How are you going to whisper with a microphone in your mouth? [Laughter]
MATT: I got ways.
TALIESIN: What's a microphone?
SAM: Okay.
ROBBIE: All right. Who's drawing and who's guessing? Everyone else is guessing. Who's drawing?
ASHLEY: He's drawing.
SAM: Jester.
LAURA: What?
SAM: You're drawing.
LAURA: I'm drawing.
MARISHA: You're the artist.
MATT: Jester and Caleb, I'd like you both--
LAURA: (gasps) Caleb!
TALIESIN: Really?
MATT: -- to make--
LAURA: Get the fuck out of here! Don't go against me!
MATT: -- wisdom saving, or wisdom checks for me, please.
LIAM: I have already fucked it up.
ASHLEY: Guidance!
LAURA: No, you already rolled.
MATT: It's too late.
LIAM: Yeah?
ASHLEY: Oh, I just saw what he rolled. Never mind.
MATT: What'd you get?
LIAM: Well, I have a very high wisdom modifier, but I rolled a four, so it's 15.
SAM: That's pretty good.
MATT: Ooh! (groans) Not too bad.
ASHLEY: But Guidance.
LAURA: No, you didn't--
MATT: You got a Guidance before the roll.
TRAVIS: Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
ASHLEY: Oh no. Sorry.
MATT: That's a good try, though.
ASHLEY: I was just seeing if you were paying attention.
LAURA: I have a really high wisdom as well, but I also rolled really low. So Caleb, we tied. [murmuring]
TRAVIS: Rollies?
ASHLEY: Rollies!
TRAVIS: Rollies!
MATT: Rollies it is!
MARISHA: Come on! Come on! [scattered applause]
LAURA: Oh no!
LIAM: Natural 20.
TRAVIS: Boom! [cheering]
TRAVIS: Ooh!
LAURA: Mighty Nein! [cheering]
MARISHA: Nein! [clamoring]
ASHLEY: Bells Hells!
ROBBIE: All right, Caleb. You're up first with an easy prompt.
LAURA: Ah!
MARISHA: Look! Look! We need to be supportive, okay?
ASHLEY: All right, I got to get it close to see.
MARISHA: We technically should all be on the same team.
ASHLEY: Sorry, I'm going to keep working on it.
TALIESIN: I know, that's what I keep saying, but then the spirit of competition.
LAURA: Here's the thing.
MARISHA: But this is all a distraction!
LAURA: I still love you guys and--
SAM: (belches) [laughter]
ASHLEY: I know. Really, the indigestion is really intense.
TRAVIS: Oh. [laughter]
TALIESIN: Cowards!
LAURA: Are you okay?
SAM: I might barf!
ASHLEY: Do we have the same? Do we have the same?
ROBBIE: Only you can guess it first, but if you don't get it, the other team has an opportunity to steal. So you'll want to see this, too, if you can.
ASHLEY: No, we're going to get it. We're going to get it. [cheering]
ASHLEY: All right. You got this.
LAURA: Oh my god!
ASHLEY: You got this.
LIAM: Are you going to tell me go? Is that how this works?
ASHLEY: Yes. [laughter]
ASHLEY: Huh? [laughter]
TRAVIS: We're ready.
MATT: All right.
ROBBIE: Merty, are you ready to start the timer?
MATT: Yes. 30 seconds to draw and guess.
ROBBIE: 30 seconds.
ASHLEY: Okay.
ROBBIE: Go! ♪ (dramatic music) ♪
TRAVIS: Nothingness!
ASHLEY: A bike. A cat. Batman.
LIAM: Got it already.
ASHLEY: Okay, great. [cheering]
TRAVIS: A cat?
LIAM: Yeah.
ASHLEY: Great! ♪ (dramatic music) ♪
ROBBIE: Cat is correct! [cheering]
SAM: That's it? You can do that.
ASHLEY: Wow!
TRAVIS: (laughs) [cheering]
ROBBIE: You're up next.
MARISHA: Congratulations! Let's all say it together, you guys. Congratulations!
TALIESIN: Congratulations.
LAURA: Congratulations.
MARISHA: See? We're--
LAURA: You gave Caleb a cat? That's cheating! [laughter]
ROBBIE: You're right. Jester!
LAURA: Yeah?
ROBBIE: You're going to get a hard one because you lost your roll.
LAURA: Listen.
ROBBIE: I'm sorry!
LAURA: No hard feelings. I don't mind that you attacked me earlier, okay?
ROBBIE: What's happening?
LAURA: I know it's just your job.
ROBBIE: Yes.
LAURA: I understand. I saw you earlier. Look, I know you're under a lot of pressure.
ROBBIE: Yes! Let's talk down here. Talk down here. Yes. Are you ready to draw something?
LAURA: Yeah.
ROBBIE: Okay. Come over here.
LAURA: Okay, let me see it.
ROBBIE: It's very good to--
LAURA: Where is it? Let me see the prompt.
ROBBIE: It's just right there. There you go. Good luck. [laughter] [cheering]
LAURA: Okay. Oh wait! I forgot my marker! [laughter]
ROBBIE: That would help!
TRAVIS: No pressure!
ASHLEY: You got this, Jester!
LAURA: Thank you. You look really hot.
ASHLEY: You do, too.
TRAVIS: Thanks! [laughter]
MARISHA: Okay.
LAURA: Oh god!
TRAVIS: Oh, she's a lefty.
LIAM: Oh, we don't get to see it until after.
TRAVIS: No, not until--
ASHLEY: No, until after, we can guess.
LIAM: Yeah, understood.
LAURA: Oh.
SAM: And don't look at the monitors!
LIAM: Verstehen.
ASHLEY: Don't you tell us what to do!
SAM: I'll tell you. I'm shitting fire right now! [laughter]
LIAM: These magic kegels are enormous.
ROBBIE: 30 seconds. Count them down, Merty. ♪ (dramatic music) ♪
LIAM: Fuck!
LAURA: Am I going?
TALIESIN: Yes.
AUDIENCE MEMBER: Go!
LAURA: Oh wait.
MARISHA: Coffin? No.
SAM: No, it's a d12.
TALIESIN: No, it's a--
MARISHA: Oh, oh, oh!
TALIESIN: Fuck it!
LIAM: You're not supposed to--
MARISHA: Oh, it's a beacon.
TALIESIN: Beacon! [cheering]
ROBBIE: That is correct! It's "Beacon."
ASHLEY: Yeah. [cheering]
ROBBIE: That's correct!
LAURA: That looks just like a beacon.
MARISHA: It kind of does.
TALIESIN: It really does.
ASHLEY: Yeah, it does.
ASHLEY: You did a good job.
TALIESIN: Spot on, hit it.
LIAM: It's no cat.
LAURA: (laughs)
ASHLEY: No, it is not.
ROBBIE: They're winning.
TRAVIS: I don't want to tempt fate, but these games are fucking easy.
MARISHA: Ooh!
TALIESIN: Why would you do that?
ASHLEY: Grog! [clamoring]
TALIESIN: You dumb fuck!
ASHLEY: The fuck?
MATT: Boss,
AUDIENCE MEMBER: They suck!
MATT: They're calling you easy.
ROBBIE: I know, I know.
ASHLEY: All right.
ROBBIE: It's all right. I'll be fine. N-Next. Isn't isn't there another? How does this game work? See, there's more people.
MATT: Yeah, they do another round on this side. Boss, you okay over here?
ROBBIE: I don't know. Maybe it was the Malort. (laughs) [laughter]
ROBBIE: I'm okay. I'm okay. Yes, yes! Let's keep going! Let's keep fucking going! Who's next? Who's drawing?
ASHLEY: Wait. We're doing different artists?
MATT: Yeah.
ROBBIE: Yes.
ASHLEY: Or do we stick with the same artist?
LIAM: Okay.
ASHLEY: All right.
ROBBIE: Another easy one?
ASHLEY: Okay.
MATT: No, this one's been taunting over there.
TRAVIS: (cackles evilly)
MATT: Give him a hard one.
TRAVIS: Whatever you do, don't give us another cat. [laughter]
LIAM: Okay.
ASHLEY: Okay.
LIAM: Okay.
ASHLEY: Caleb, look at me. Look at me. Tell me through your mind, okay? What it is. [laughter]
LIAM: Got it.
MATT: Sit down, boy! I'm about to start the timer.
ASHLEY: Got it.
LIAM: Okay.
ASHLEY: Say it one more time in your mind.
LIAM: Yeah. As I sit down, I cast Haste on myself.
MATT: Unfortunately, that window of casting spells on yourself has faded, Caleb.
LIAM: Oh, well, I'll save that slot, then.
LAURA: (laughs)
ASHLEY: Let's go, Grog.
ROBBIE: Start the timer. ♪ (dramatic music) ♪
ASHLEY: All right.
TRAVIS: A bat.
LIAM: We going?
ASHLEY: A bike.
TRAVIS: A hat.
ASHLEY: A circle. It's the moon. It's Ruidus. It is a mad--
TRAVIS: Vampire.
ASHLEY: A vampire! [cheering] (dramatic music) [cheering]
LAURA: That's really good. They're fast.
TALIESIN: Who's that bloody creature? [cheering] [cheering]
LAURA: That's really good! That's a vampire!
MARISHA: Pretty good!
ASHLEY: It's a vampire.
TALIESIN: That's a vampire.
MARISHA: To be fair, Vox Machina fought a lot of those.
LIAM: We are the same. We are both artists.
LAURA: Caleb, you're so talented! I'm so proud of you.
TRAVIS: No, no. Don't fraternize with the enemy!
LAURA: I didn't know you could draw, and you're so good at it!
LIAM: I learned it by watching you! [laughter]
ASHLEY: Good job, Caleb.
LAURA: I've been giving him lessons.
MARISHA: And you, you doing all right?
SAM: When you hugged him, did you pick his pocket?
LAURA: What?
SAM: When you hugged him, did you pick his pocket?
LAURA: Yeah.
ASHLEY: What's going on over here with this guy?
ROBBIE: Jester, come here, come here, come here. We're friends right? Here.
LAURA: Are you okay?
ROBBIE: Yeah. Come on, come on. We'll be fine. Come here.
TRAVIS: Let me guess in the blind. The sun.
LAURA: Do you need me to heal you? You know I have healing.
ROBBIE: Oh no. It's not like that. What can I give you to fuck this up on purpose?
SAM: (snorts)
LAURA: What do you mean?
ROBBIE: Can I give you anything? I've got money. I've got friends in high places. Just draw bad. Can you do a bad? Can you draw--
AUDIENCE: Boo! Boo! [jeering]
LAURA: On no!
ROBBIE: Yes, yes. Okay.
LAURA: I feel so sorry for you!
ROBBIE: We'll be fine. Don't feel sorry for me.
MARISHA: Don't put the names in the top hat.
ROBBIE: Go draw. [laughter]
ROBBIE: Draw it, draw it, draw it.
LAURA: Are you going to be okay?
ROBBIE: I'll be fine.
LAURA: Listen, are you working for somebody?
ROBBIE: I'll be fine! [laughter]
ASHLEY: Whoa!
LAURA: I feel like it's not his choice. What if he's in this--
MATT: Jester, come sit down and prepare to draw. It's what the boss wants.
LAURA: (sadly) Oh!
TRAVIS: Don't worry. You did so good last time.
LAURA: Thank you, Grog! Oh no! I feel torn!
MARISHA: She thought it wasn't his choice?
LAURA: What if he's not that bad?
SAM: That's what you say about everyone!
LAURA: Wait, can I roll an insight check to see if he's trying to trick me?
MATT: Sure. Roll an insight check.
MARISHA: He's got a top hat.
TRAVIS: Made of gold horns!
MARISHA: Of course he's trying to trick you! [laughter]
ROBBIE: M'lady.
LAURA: I rolled a 13.
MATT: It's hard to tell. [booing]
SAM: (belches)
TALIESIN: Jes, it hardly matters! I don't think he's going to do better or worse depending on if you do better or worse.
LAURA: Okay.
ASHLEY: What's happening over there?
TRAVIS: Don't worry, Jester! If they don't guess it, we will, and then we'll win.
ASHLEY: Yeah. [laughter]
ASHLEY: You got this.
LAURA: This is going to be a hard one. [cheering]
LAURA: Okay. [cheering] ♪ (dramatic music) ♪
MATT: Begin.
LAURA: Go for it?
TALIESIN: Yep.
SAM: It's a book?
MARISHA: It's a tome.
LIAM: Oh, we're not--
MARISHA: It's a book of some sort. A grimoire?
SAM: It's a page? It's a dick! It's a dick of the page!
MARISHA: It's Traveler's journal?
TALIESIN: No, it's-- Oh, bloody hell.
SAM: Jester's journal.
TALIESIN: No, it's-- (groans)
MARISHA: Caleb's journal. Caleb's journal? Fuck!
TALIESIN: Oh, support one. What's the-- It's smut! It's smut! Bloody hell, what was that book you always had around? "Tusk Love!" Is it "Tusk Love?"
MARISHA: No.
TALIESIN: Fuck!
ROBBIE: Yes!
LAURA: (groans)
ROBBIE: Yes!
LAURA: (groans)
TALIESIN: I fucking don't know.
MATT: That's a failure.
TALIESIN: Mother!
MATT: On this team. But the other team has a chance to steal the points.
TALIESIN: Shit!
ROBBIE: Blue team.
LIAM: And they already said "Tusk Love," right?
ASHLEY: Can we see it?
MARISHA: Oh no! I know what it is!
ROBBIE: Blue team, take a look. What is it?
TRAVIS: Dog shit? [laughter]
ASHLEY: I mean, I think it could be, it could be, it could be--
LIAM: That is my spell book. [cheering]
ASHLEY: It could be "Tusk Love." No.
LIAM: There's a dick in it.
MARISHA: We already said that.
TALIESIN: We said.
ROBBIE: The answer is--
ASHLEY: Oh, it's a pamphlet! It's a pamphlet. Traveler pamphlet. No?
MARISHA: Wait! Can I get one more chance?
MATT: Absolutely not.
ROBBIE: Spell book! Blue team takes it! [cheering]
ASHLEY: Oh! [laughter] [cheering]
MARISHA: That was so close!
ROBBIE: Yes! This is what I needed!
LAURA: That's why I pointed to Caleb!
ROBBIE: Blood! Vengeance! Power! Applause! Fuck you! And I cast--
MATT: You watch out of the anger and frustration of Malvolio, this blast of infernal spite and fire--
MARISHA: Wait!
MATT: -- billows forth.
MARISHA: I object! [laughter]
ROBBIE: Overruled! (laughter)
SAM: He's got you there!
TALIESIN: It was a good try. It was a good try.
MARISHA: (laughs)
LIAM: I understood that reference.
MATT: Your team takes--
LAURA: That's pretty good for a blindfolded spell book.
MATT: -- 40 points of fire damage.
TALIESIN: I have resistance to fire.
LAURA: How much?! How much?
TALIESIN: 40.
MARISHA: 40.
MATT: So you take 20.
TALIESIN: All right.
LAURA: Wait, I have my Ring of Fire Resistance on! [cheering]
MATT: Then you also take 20. [cheering]
MARISHA: Can I attempt to evade this fire damage, Dungeon Master?
MATT: Not in this realm you don't.
LAURA: (laughs)
SAM: (belches)
ASHLEY: This is our side. [laughter]
TRAVIS: (laughs) I love you.
MATT: Boss.
LAURA: That was a really good drawing, though, Caleb, wasn't it?
LIAM: It was beautiful. (microphone feedback)
ASHLEY: Oh, what's that awful sound?
LAURA: Ow!
ROBBIE: Yes, Merty. Yes.
ASHLEY: What happened?
ROBBIE: Go on.
MATT: We're down to the last part of the first half, and it looks like they're starting to come apart at the seams. I think you're making this up. I think you're actually getting there.
ROBBIE: I really needed it. I was feeling a little dicey there near the back half. But it's getting better. I feel good. We've got one more game.
MATT: Let's make it happen.
ROBBIE: Nothing will make them seem as foolish as this.
LIAM: We are going to have to make a move soon!
ROBBIE: Yes!
MARISHA: I agree. Maybe we can--
ROBBIE: Tell them. Audience, do you love a dance off? [cheering]
ROBBIE: I said, do you love a dance off?
ASHLEY: Hey! [cheering]
ROBBIE: Yes!
ASHLEY: (laughs) [cheering]
ROBBIE: Merty, tell them how it goes.
MATT: I would like each team--
LAURA: (laughs)
MATT: -- to choose two dancers.
TRAVIS: What? [laughter]
ASHLEY: I think you two should take it.
TALIESIN: I'm down.
MARISHA: All right, well, who's the other one? You all look tiny.
LAURA: Two dancers?
ASHLEY: I mean--
MATT: Two dancers on your team.
LIAM: I only know the waltz.
LAURA: Who's so charismatic? You're definitely a really good dancer. I've seen you dance.
TALIESIN: Two of us. Two of us. We got this.
ASHLEY: So many shots for this team.
ROBBIE: So you know, this will be a 1v1 dance off.
TALIESIN: (cackles)
ROBBIE: Each dancer--
LAURA: Okay, yeah. [cheering]
LAURA: You're definitely doing it. Okay.
ROBBIE: Each dancer will be surprised with their music track and have 15 seconds to bust a move. Each dancer will have two 15-second spotlights to show us what they got.
MATT: One, then the other.
ROBBIE: And audience applause will determine the winner of the round. [cheering]
AUDIENCE: Grog, Grog, Grog, Grog!
ASHLEY: Grog, Grog, Grog!
LIAM: Grog, Grog, Grog!
AUDIENCE: Grog, Grog, Grog!
LIAM: Grog!
AUDIENCE: Grog, Grog, Grog! Grog, Grog, Grog, Grog! Grog, Grog, Grog, Grog!
LAURA: They want us to die.
ASHLEY: All right.
LAURA: They're going to kill us.
SAM: Who's going to to it?
MARISHA: We've got to team up and take--
MATT: Who are your dancers?
MARISHA: Oh, okay.
MATT: Blue team.
MARISHA: Okay. [cheering]
MATT: Roll a charisma check. [cheering]
ASHLEY: Come on!
LAURA: Guidance! Guidance!
MARISHA: Guidance?
ASHLEY: Guidance.
MARISHA: Okay. Okay.
ASHLEY: Guidance, Grog.
LIAM: Yeah, you got it. You got it.
MARISHA: Is that plus four?
ASHLEY: You get to roll an extra four.
LIAM: Guidance. d4, d4, d4.
TRAVIS: Oh, plus d4?
ASHLEY: Yeah. It'll make a difference, I'm sure.
TALIESIN: You're going first, son.
LIAM: Okay. Okay.
MARISHA: Okay. Okay.
TALIESIN: Oh yeah. Yeah, you're fine.
MATT: Grog?
TRAVIS: 19. [cheering]
MARISHA: Okay. 16.
LAURA: (groans) [cheering]
MARISHA: (sighs loudly)
ASHLEY: All right.
MATT: Second dancer on this side?
ASHLEY: Oh, okay. I guess that's me.
LIAM: Guidance. Guidance.
ASHLEY: Guidance? [cheering]
LAURA: Oh, who's doing that?
TALIESIN: Do you want to?
ASHLEY: I'm going to cast Guidance on myself.
MATT: Sure thing. Go for it.
ASHLEY: All right.
MARISHA: You going to take this one?
ASHLEY: So let's see here.
TALIESIN: Why the fuck not?
MARISHA: Okay. [laughter]
ASHLEY: Wait. What are we rolling again? Charisma.
MATT: Charisma save.
TALIESIN: I've got a plus one.
LIAM: Yeah, you should be dripping in that.
TALIESIN: What are you up to?
LIAM: You are.
MARISHA: Dance?
TALIESIN: I prefer that.
LAURA: Oh yeah. That's--
TRAVIS: Need more of this water.
TALIESIN: You want to dance?
SAM: Go for it.
TALIESIN: No, I'm fine either way. You dance.
ASHLEY: That's four. I did read that right.
ASHLEY: Okay.
MARISHA: Yeah.
SAM: You got this.
TALIESIN: All right.
MATT: Fearne.
ASHLEY: 28. [cheering]
TALIESIN: It hardly matters at that point anyway.
ROBBIE: Yes!
SAM: (groans)
TALIESIN: 12.
TRAVIS and LIAM: (laugh) [laughter]
MATT: The first dance off is between Grog and Beauregard. Please, come to the front.
MARISHA: Oh my god!
TALIESIN: Love it! Rock and roll! Yes! [cheering]
LIAM: Yes! Yes, yes, yes!
ROBBIE: Yes!
LIAM: Ja, ja, ja!
ASHLEY: Let's go! Let's go! Grog, come on. You got this!
MARISHA: I'd prefer it if it were for Kingsley. [cheering]
ASHLEY: Hang on a minute. Hang on!
TALIESIN: (laughs)
ASHLEY: Hang on.
ROBBIE: Yes!
LAURA: Oh, this is tough, though. [cheering]
LAURA: All good.
ROBBIE: That's right!
MARISHA: Real quick, real quick! Before we start, I just, honestly, I just want to show a little bit of appreciation.
ROBBIE: Oh!
MARISHA: Okay? I just want to like--
ROBBIE: Yeah!
MARISHA: You know?
ROBBIE: Uh huh.
MARISHA: Mm-hmm. can I Extract Aspects from the MC? [cheering]
LAURA: Yeah, good idea.
MARISHA: With my little playful punches? Just you're fucking crushing it, man! [laughter]
MATT: I'll allow it. [cheering]
MATT: (laughs)
MARISHA: Extract Aspects. Can I know his vulnerabilities? Well, I get to pick four things, right?
MATT: Well, you learn that he is immune to Charm.
MARISHA: Immune to Charm.
MATT: Paralyze.
MARISHA: Paralyze.
MATT: Let me see what it's got. Charm, Paralyze, and Frightened.
MARISHA: (whispers) Charm, Paralyze, and Frightened.
MATT: No resistances, no vulnerabilities.
LAURA: Sorry!
MATT: You also get the sense that there is a very powerful well of dark arcana within this entity.
LAURA: Whoa!
AUDIENCE MEMBER: You can do it!
MARISHA: Guys, this guy's super fucked up. He's super fucked, he's-- He's got darkness.
SAM: Okay, that's good to know.
MARISHA: Okay. [laughter]
SAM: Do you want a b-boy hat?
AUDIENCE MEMBER: Yeah! [cheering] [cheering continues]
LIAM: Let's go, Strongjaw. Put all that junk in that trunk to use.
ROBBIE: Two rounds. [cheering]
ASHLEY: Yes. Yes.
ROBBIE: Pop that thing. That's right, throw your pride to the side and shake it like your mama gave it to you.
MATT: Grog--
TRAVIS: Who's going first?
MATT: Grog's up for the first 15 seconds, Beau for the second, Grog for the third, and Beau for the fourth. When we're done, we'll ask the audience which side they thought did better.
TRAVIS: Nothing like dancing in front of fucking a bunch of thousands of--
ASHLEY: Yeah, right? Yeah, right?
TRAVIS: Let's go, Chicago! [cheering]
ROBBIE: That's right, Chicago. Give it up for the CEO.
MARISHA: (laughs) [cheering] [cheering]
ASHLEY: Let's go. Let's go!
MATT: Three--
MARISHA: Let's go.
MATT: Two--
ASHLEY: Come on, bitch.
MATT: One.
ASHLEY: Dance. (synthy electronic music)
MARISHA: Oh. Oh, this is great.
ASHLEY: Yes, very good.
MARISHA: Running man. Hell yes. Yes.
ASHLEY: Great work. Oh, okay, okay, okay.
MARISHA: Whoa!
ASHLEY: Wow! Woo! [cheering] (music stops)
ASHLEY: There we go. Solid. Solid.
MARISHA: Pretty good.
MATT: Beauregard. (bluegrass fiddle music)
MARISHA: (laughs) [laughter] [cheering]
ASHLEY: Whoa. [cheering]
ASHLEY: Oh she's going--
ROBBIE: Oh, oh! Oh! Intere--
ASHLEY: It's a broom. (music stops)
ASHLEY and LAURA: (laugh)
ASHLEY: Wow. [cheering]
MATT: Grog.
SAM: Yay, Beau.
TRAVIS: Ready. A little louder. [cheering]
MARISHA: Yeah, I couldn't hear it.
ASHLEY: Oh. (bass-heavy house music)
SAM: (laughs) [laughter]
ROBBIE: Oh yes. Oh, he's falling apart. He's just--
ROBBIE and MARISHA: Oh! [cheering]
MARISHA: Oh! (music stops) [cheering]
ASHLEY: Oh shit.
MARISHA: Oh shit.
ASHLEY: I didn't know he could do that.
MATT: Beauregard.
ASHLEY: (laughs)
SAM: Nice work.
MARISHA: You didn't tell me--
LAURA: That he could do that?
MARISHA: -- that he could do that.
LAURA: I didn't think he would bust it out. I really didn't. (Latin ballroom dance music)
LAURA: Oh.
ROBBIE: Whoa!
LAURA: (screams) [cheering]
LAURA: Yes!
ASHLEY: Oh! [cheering]
ASHLEY: Oh wow!
LAURA: We're not allowed spells. [cheering]
LAURA: No! (laughs) (music stops) [cheering] [cheering and whistling]
LIAM: It has been a while since we have seen Tracy make an appearance. (laughter) [laughter]
TALIESIN: Suddenly, I understand what Yasha sees in you.
ROBBIE: All right you two, take a bow together, yes. [cheering]
ROBBIE: You're going to cheer for each of them and Merty will be the judge. Who thinks Grog was the winner? [cheering]
LAURA: Oh, this is terrible. [cheering continues]
ASHLEY: Grog! Grog! Grog! Grog! [cheering]
ROBBIE: Enough! [laughter]
MARISHA: Don't fuck me.
ROBBIE: It's out of character, but it feels bad yelling at you. [laughter]
ROBBIE: Who thinks Beau was the winner? [screaming and cheering]
AUDIENCE: Beau! Beau! Beau!
LAURA: Go Beau! [cheering]
LAURA: Sorry. [cheering] [cheering]
ROBBIE: Merty, this is going to be a tough one and I'm sure you've got no vested interest in who wins this or not. (laughter) [laughter]
MATT: Not at all. But what is this, if not for raising the stakes, right? So I'm going to say in this regard, it's a tie.
LAURA: Hey!
ASHLEY: Hey, all right.
MATT: Which means whoever dances next is the one that decides the losing team. [oohing]
AUDIENCE MEMBER: Yeah!
ROBBIE: Begone. You're both too good.
MARISHA: Hide my mic. [laughter] [cheering]
LAURA: You guys are so talented.
SAM: It was good.
MATT: For all the pieces.
LAURA: It was good. Yours was really good. I like the part where you took off your clothes.
MARISHA: When I stripped and exploited myself, thank you.
SAM: All we know about you is that you're a pirate.
TRAVIS: I think one of my vetebrae moved.
ASHLEY: Oh.
MATT: Fearne, get on stage.
ASHLEY: Oh, really?
MATT: So because it's now tied--
ASHLEY: All right.
MATT: -- your friends left it all on the table. The two of you are going to decide which team wins and which team loses. 15 seconds each. [cheering]
LAURA: (laughs) Wow. [cheering]
ROBBIE: I like it. I like it.
MATT: We're going to start--
TALIESIN: I'm hot.
ASHLEY: Oh shit. This is so embarrassing. Really? Really? [cheering]
MATT: We're going to start with Kingsley this time.
ASHLEY: Okay.
MATT: 15 seconds Kingsley, 15 seconds Fearne, 15 Kingsley, 15 Fearne.
ASHLEY: (sighs) I'm already tired.
MATT: Are you ready?
LAURA: I cast Thaumaturgy.
TALIESIN: Fuck yes.
ROBBIE: What?
LAURA: Little dicks-- [laughter]
LAURA: -- floating all around Kingsley. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Like fireworks.
ROBBIE: Let the dance-off begin. (Gregorian chanting) [laughter]
MARISHA: Yes. [cheering] [cheering]
MARISHA: Yes. (music stops) [cheering]
LAURA: What is that?
SAM: (laughs) [cheering]
ROBBIE: Soul stirring. [cheering] [heavy metal music]
LAURA: He transformed into Gollum.
LIAM: I surround Fearne in dancing lights. [cheering] (laughter)
MARISHA: "Flashdance." (laughter) [cheering]
ROBBIE: Yes.
ASHLEY: I can do the worm, too.
ROBBIE: I can feel their powers weakening.
ASHLEY: I can do the worm, too. Don't worry about it. Don't fucking worry about it.
ROBBIE: Round two. (heavy metal music, overlaid with Gregorian chanting)
ASHLEY: Oh come on.
MARISHA: Oh come on.
TALIESIN: I don't hear it.
LAURA: I don't hear it.
TALIESIN: It's hard to hear.
ASHLEY: Yes. [cheering]
MARISHA: (screams)
LAURA: (screams)
MARISHA: (screams) (music stops)
ROBBIE: Yes. [cheering]
LAURA: I didn't mean to. (laughs)
SAM: That's my first mosh pit. (laughter) [laughter]
TALIESIN: I'm fucking tired. [disco music]
LAURA: I was afraid I was going to die. [cheering] [cheering continues] (music stops) [cheering continues]
MATT: All right. Dancers to the front please.
TALIESIN: Whatever, Circus Vargas.
ROBBIE: Everyone to the front because you all danced. Center stage, please.
LAURA: Oh no.
ROBBIE: This is the big moment before intermission, I promise. Hands up.
SAM: I'm exhausted.
ROBBIE: Big bow to all the dancers. Please, your applause again. [cheering]
ROBBIE: Bow, bow. Yes, yes, that's right.
ROBBIE: Bow, bow. Yes, yes, that's right. [cheering]
LAURA: What is happening? (laughs)
TALIESIN: No fucking clue.
ROBBIE: Please give it up if you thought the red team won. [cheering]
LAURA: We almost died! [cheering] [whistling]
ROBBIE: Let's hear it for blue. [cheering] [cheering continues]
MATT: Boss, I think we got to give it to the blue team.
ROBBIE: Pretty clear. [cheering]
TRAVIS: (laughs)
ROBBIE: If you'd be so kind as to take your seats.
SAM: May I ask a question?
MARISHA: I saw that. You back corner, I saw that.
SAM: Is this D&D? [laughter]
ROBBIE: D&D?
TALIESIN: Dungeons & Dancing.
ROBBIE: It is.
ASHLEY: Dungeons & Dancing. [laughter]
ASHLEY: That was dumb.
ROBBIE: Merty, for the final time this evening, tell them what they lost.
MATT: Ah, red team. A good try, a good attempt. But unfortunately--
LAURA: MC, do you-- Does your mama love you? [oohing]
ASHLEY: Great question.
ROBBIE: Mrs. Contreras is a wonderful woman.
TALIESIN: If she let you come out with that top hat she can't love you that much. I cast Vicious Mockery, motherfucker.
MARISHA: Ooh.
ASHLEY: Ooh!
MATT: Make a save on that please.
ROBBIE: You want me to what? [laughter]
MATT: To roll a dice and make a wisdom saving throw.
TALIESIN: Oh, I want to watch this.
ROBBIE: Wait, wait. Wait, wait, wait. You don't sound like Merty. Who the fuck are you? [laughter]
LAURA: The fuck is happening?
MATT: I'm a force beyond any you've encountered. [cheering]
LAURA: This is so meta.
ROBBIE: What's an 11 mean? [laughter]
MATT: An 11 means you failed.
LAURA: (gasps) [cheering]
MATT: Go ahead and mark that damage.
TALIESIN: Where is it? It's the very back?
SAM: It's not a lot.
TALIESIN: It's not a lot but it's--
LAURA: What does it do? What does it do?
TALIESIN: One action, it's-- I'm trying to see.
LAURA: (laughs) We know our spells. Okay?
MATT: See, this is D&D.
TALIESIN: Yeah. [laughter]
TALIESIN: It doesn't actually say on my sheet right now.
MARISHA: It doesn't say on his sheet.
MATT: That's all right. Roll 3d4 for me.
TALIESIN: Oh, thank you. There we are.
ASHLEY: It's hot in here.
LAURA: It's all the dancing.
TALIESIN: That's not right. Hold on, where's-- 3d4. Where's my--
MARISHA: Do you need d4s?
TALIESIN: Sorry, yeah. There we are. I found them. They're hiding in here. These are not my normal dice.
LIAM: This is us.
TALIESIN: Six.
MATT: Six points of psychic damage to Malvolio Contreras. And you feel somewhat dismayed.
ROBBIE: Just a little twinge in the side of my head. Nothing to worry about. The space is still mine, and I throw out my hand and the studio feels like it's shrinking, getting smaller. The stage lights are getting dimmer. I throw out the other hand, and you feel the heat of the PAR cans land on your face and you think, "This isn't right. This isn't what a show feels like. This isn't fun. I didn't just pop balloons with my ass and dance in front of 6,000 strangers." No, what they feel instead are the burns at the soles of their feet and the slashes to their body and the twisting pain in their psyche. I feel your applause all night long and it fills me with power and rage. [booing]
ROBBIE: (snickers) You think that's going to work now? You already gave me too much, baby. Merty, throw to fucking commercial. [cheering]
MATT: Both teams suddenly are enveloped in a flash of black flame, and find yourselves shunted to a nearby green room-- [laughter]
MATT: -- to think and talk amongst yourselves. And we'll return after intermission.
LAURA: What?!
ASHLEY: Oh! [cheering]
Break[]
♪ (dramatic instrumental music) ♪
ASHLEY: Oh, hello! You're here to learn about Beacon? Not only the extraordinary home for everything Critical Role, but also the best way to support the very important work that we do here.
LIAM: Can someone zip me up?
ASHLEY: I know what you're thinking, "What's in it for me?" What do members get?" Exclusive early access to tickets for live events. Access to our members-only Discord server. Instant video on demand and podcast access right after each episode drop. 10% discount on all merch in all five international online shops. With your support, more content is possible. [metal clanking]
TRAVIS: No, I've--
TALIESIN: Shh. It's just some immersion therapy. Keep your eyes open.
TRAVIS: (screams)
ASHLEY: We've got Beacon exclusive series like "Critical Role Cooldown" where you get to sit around the table right after an episode ends, and "Fireside Chat" our community Q&A powered by the Beacon Discord and questions from members like you.
LAURA: Hey, Ashley?
ASHLEY: Yeah.
LAURA: Do you want me to get you a new Mister plushy? Because this guy is rough.
ASHLEY: No.
MATT: We're on in five.
LAURA: I'm just going to wash him, then.
ASHLEY: And if that isn't enough, we've got series like "Critical Role Abridged," "Re-Slayer's Take," and "Midst." Above all, Beacon is the best way to directly support Critical Role, our staff and everyone who helped shape our company into what it is today.
DIRECTOR: I'm coming to you in three, two...
TRAVIS: (excited noises)
MARISHA: (excited noises)
MATT: Hello, everyone, and welcome to tonight's episode of Critical Role.
ASHLEY: Welcome to "Weird Kids." ♪ ("Weird Kids" theme song ♪ by Dave Heatwave) ♪ ♪ Weird Kids ♪
TALIESIN: You look like the person at a funeral where I would wonder if you had something to do with it.
ASHLEY: Thank you so much.
TALIESIN: You're welcome. I have achieved the 21st century dream of being on a podcast. (laughs)
ASHLEY: We finally did it. Oh, hello, everyone.
TALIESIN: Hi there.
ASHLEY: Or some of you. Whoever's listening, maybe nobody.
ASHLEY: What a week.
TALIESIN: And I don't even know what day it is.
ASHLEY: Who knows, I guess it doesn't matter to people who are listening.
TALIESIN: Certainly not in here. This is kind of a liminal space.
ASHLEY: Like, I read "Highlights for Children." This is way better.
TALIESIN: "Highlights" was for dentists' offices.
ASHLEY: I have my California Science Center mug, which is one of my favorites.
TALIESIN: Hmm, where'd you get that?
ASHLEY: I got it at the California Science Center.
TALIESIN: No, I just wanted to hear you say it again.
ASHLEY: Okay. (laughs) Look at her, I want to be her.
TALIESIN: Yeah.
ASHLEY: 2025 has really just been a real banger so far.
TALIESIN: Thank god it's over. Flashback.
ASHLEY: This might not be very exciting to listen to or watch, for that matter.
TALIESIN: I can keep talking. Our audience wants to murder you right now.
ASHLEY: And I peed on the stage 'cause I was nervous.
TALIESIN: What question did they ask?
ASHLEY: Wait, let me smell it again.
TALIESIN: This is great podcast right now. (laughs)
ASHLEY: My grandpa gave me this, by the way. Not to brag. I'm on YouTube a lot. Not to brag.
TALIESIN: I know.
ASHLEY: I was Miss Junior Michigan, not to brag. God, that's a good mug. I'm a winner, baby.
TALIESIN: (laughs) Let's hit a weird landing. Let's jostle everybody's luggage.
ASHLEY: Why are we doing this?
TALIESIN: I don't meet a lot of people who have a similar level of damage.
ASHLEY: (laughs) Yes! ♪ ("Weird Kids" ♪ theme music) ♪ ♪ ("Weird Kids" ♪ theme music) ♪ ♪ ("Weird Kids" ♪ theme music) ♪
(sonar pinging) (water burbling) ♪ (eerie music) ♪ CREW MEMBER: Let me out! JASPER: This is Admiral Anders of the Atlantech Station Ran-Beor. CREW MEMBER: Please! JASPER: Systems are failing, the crew is mutinous, and there appears to be something down here with us. (door banging) JASPER: I understand that protocol demands that I get as much information off of this station as possible. However, due to the perceived threat to the outside world, I have made the decision to initiate the Abyssal Lockdown Protocol, destroying the station. CREW MEMBER: I have a family! CREW MEMBER: I beg of you, please! We're all in here! JASPER: Dr. Blackwell agrees. (crew members desperately screaming over each other) JASPER: Three, two... CREW MEMBER: No! (static hisses) ♪ (foreboding music) ♪ (water burbling) (sonar pinging) ♪ (eerie music) ♪ (sonar continues pinging)
LAURA: Hey, Critters, Laura Bailey here to guide you through what's new in the Critical Role shop. ♪ (upbeat music) ♪ (cars honking) (Jester) (gasps) Could anything be more perfect? ♪ (upbeat music) ♪ (dice clattering) You need this? You probably need this. ♪ (upbeat music) ♪ (tarot cards sliding) This is seriously magical. ♪ (upbeat music) ♪ (raven calls) (Vex'ahlia) Oh, goodie. You can look just like my brother. ♪ (upbeat music) ♪ (die rolling) Roll an investigation, if you want. It's basically perfect. ♪ (upbeat music) ♪ Look at this, isn't it fashion? So much fashion happening here. ♪ (upbeat music) ♪ It's the little things in life. ♪ (upbeat music) ♪ (Vex'ahlia) Style should never be a dump stat, darling. ♪ (upbeat music) ♪ (mouse click) And hey, if you want, you could head over to the Critical Role shop right now. ♪ (upbeat music) ♪
KLAUS: In play, it felt so good. MOHAMAD: Everybody's engaged at the same time. ALISON: The Hope and the Fear mechanics are a wild role-playing ride. MATT: The game is called Daggerheart, our own fantasy tabletop RPG we've been developing. It's a unique 2d12 dice rolling system that ensures that every roll of the game has some sort of impact on the game itself. DANI: It really fosters that collaborative role-play aspect. DARIUSH: Character building lets you do your own thing and organically be like, "Actually, I'll take a little of this, a little of that." CAI: You can be an unlikely combination of things. The Hope and Fear mechanics to me really feel more like the score of a good film. NATE: Mounting fear, just added a different layer of tension to the game. HANNA: The tactileness is really exciting for me. I just feel very represented in this game. EVAN: I would absolutely play again. TRAVIS: Daggerheart is fun as hell to play. RICH: I absolutely love Daggerheart. MATT: It's going to be something real special and it's just the beginning.
♪ (epic music) ♪ ♪ (mischievous music) ♪ (typewriter clacking) ♪ (peaceful music) ♪
(door opening) [studio audience laughter] [light applause] FATHER: Honey, kids, I'm home! MOTHER: Welcome home, dear. [studio audience laughter] MOTHER: And you know what night it is? CHILD 1 and CHILD 2: It's Thursday night! MOTHER and FATHER: (laugh) ♪ (upbeat TV theme) ♪ NARRATOR: This summer, get the membership the entire family can enjoy! Your one-stop shop for the world of Critical Role. FATHER: (laughs) NARRATOR: Including a 10% discount in all our shops, live event pre-sales, a private Discord. FATHER: The popcorn monster! NARRATOR: And instant access to all podcasts and VODs for all your favorite shows. CHILD 1: Hurry up, Mom! CHILD 2: Critical Role is about to start! ♪ (upbeat TV theme ends) ♪ (remote control click) (ominous flashing) NARRATOR: With Beacon, all your dreams can become a reality. Beacon will introduce you to what has been and what could be. CHILD 1: Is Sam turning into a sunflower? MOTHER: No, Son, Sam has always been a sunflower. (static crackling) CHILD 2: Is Sam my father? FATHER: No, I'm your father. NARRATOR: Beacon will bring you to the edges of the (distorted) cosmic threshold. (distorted speech and gnashing) (distorted speech and gnashing) (increasing beeping and powering up) (chirping notification) MOTHER: Oh, the new episode of Candela just dropped. FATHER: Oh, spooky. [studio audience laughter] ♪ (upbeat TV theme) ♪ NARRATOR: Beacon. Endless stories, endless possibilities.
Part II[]
MATT: And let's bring us back into the story for tonight.
LAURA: Oh gosh.
ASHLEY: Okay. [laughter]
MATT: Somehow pulled and plucked from the chaos of your disparate lives. You have endured a series of strange contests against allies, friends, strangers alike under the guise of one MC. After a burst of emotional, spiteful frustration, and a number of rounds of humiliation and hurt, you find yourselves shunted to an oddly, darkly lit green room. To briefly have a moment to think while he probably handles an ad read somewhere.
LAURA: (laughs) [laughter]
MATT: But before he arrives, you all look up at each other, hurt, exhausted, and with just a few moments alone to talk. hurt, exhausted, and with just a few moments alone to talk.
LAURA: Oh gosh.
MARISHA: All right guys, I really feel like we got to start working as a team. Look, when I went over there--
ASHLEY: No.
MARISHA: Shut up for a second, Fearne, and listen.
ASHLEY: Okay. Okay, okay, okay.
MARISHA: When I went up to him and I kind of, I touched him. I got a sense of his energy.
ASHLEY: Yeah?
MARISHA: There's something dark inside. Like an incredibly dark manifest sitting in the center of his chest. I don't know, it's hard to describe.
SAM: Wait, like actually his chest?
LAURA: Wait--
SAM: Like we should aim there?
LAURA: -- who's really hurt?
MARISHA: I don't know.
TRAVIS: Like a mole or something or?
MARISHA: He should get it checked out regardless. But I'm just saying, I think that there's like--
TALIESIN: Did anyone--
MARISHA: There's something not right.
TALIESIN: Also, did anyone else get the sense that he's not exactly in charge here?
ASHLEY: Yes, I kind of felt that.
LAURA: Yeah. No, he seemed really sad and like he had somebody that was bossing him around and he didn't want to do it.
TALIESIN: And every time I'd make fun of him, it really seemed to really pierce through a bit.
LAURA: What if he's on the line and if like he doesn't get approval, then like somebody kills him or something?
ASHLEY: Whoa.
TRAVIS: What?
LAURA: But it kind of feels like that's going to happen to us, too.
ASHLEY: Yeah. But wait, should we just keep insulting him?
SAM: We could, but--
LAURA: Maybe.
ASHLEY: Then just--
MARISHA: His ego seems very fragile.
SAM: All I know is--
ASHLEY: It does.
TALIESIN: Top hat like that.
SAM: -- it felt terrible being on the opposite team as Caleb. I don't like it all.
LAURA: And you, Grog, and you Fearne.
TALIESIN: And the hot one. I feel really bad about that.
TRAVIS: This is exactly what losers say when they're losing.
MARISHA: Grog. [laughter]
ASHLEY: Yeah.
LIAM: No, it is time for us to flip the script.
LAURA: I'm going to cast Mass Cure Wounds.
MARISHA: Yes!
LIAM: Oh? [cheering]
ASHLEY: Whoa.
SAM: Wait, wait. You can heal?!
TALIESIN: (laughs) [laughter and cheering]
TRAVIS: (chuckles)
LAURA: I've done it before, Veth, okay? Who's really hurt? Anybody? I know our team is super duper hurt.
ASHLEY: We're pretty low over here.
LAURA: Yeah?
ASHLEY: Yeah.
LAURA: You? And Caleb, how are you?
LIAM: I'm okay for me.
LAURA: Oh, okay.
LIAM: But okay for me is probably weaker than a lot of people here.
LAURA: Grog, you're fine. You seem so big and strong.
TRAVIS: Yeah, I'm fucking fine. [laughter]
LAURA: All right then I'm going to cast Mass Cure Wounds on the six of us minus Grog.
TRAVIS: Oh. [laughter]
ASHLEY: Excellent.
LAURA: Okay. So that is, I'm casting that. [laughter]
LAURA: That's a fifth level. And that's 4d8 plus--
TALIESIN: Oh wow.
LAURA: -- five hit points. One, two, three. (footsteps)
SAM: What?
TALIESIN: What?
MATT: You hear some heavy footsteps begin to approach the exterior--
ASHLEY: Shit, I think he's coming.
MATT: -- of the green room door.
ASHLEY: I think he's coming back I think he's coming back.
MATT: As it creaks open and stepping into the chamber, the MC himself, Malvolio Contreras.
ROBBIE: Hello everyone.
ASHLEY: Oh hi. [cheering]
ROBBIE: Hi.
ASHLEY: How's it going? [wolf whistle]
ROBBIE: Are you enjoying the amenities?
ASHLEY: Oh my god, so much.
LAURA: Yeah. I really like your doughnuts.
ROBBIE: Free beverages and tasty food?
ASHLEY: Yes, it's all so great.
LAURA: Mm-hmm.
ROBBIE: I'm so glad.
SAM: I wish there was more alcohol in the green room.
TALIESIN: I also requested a bowl of green M&Ms and I can't find them anywhere. [laughter]
ROBBIE: I'll send a note.
MARISHA: Well, let's be real. We're not doing this for copy, credit, and meal, my guy. What is the end goal here?
LAURA: We were just talking about you and how sad and weak you seemed and it made us feel so bad. [laughter]
TALIESIN: I was hoping you'd change clothes, too, because I just want to keep making fun of you. It's really hard not to.
SAM: It's-- I mean, there's got to be something wrong with you. This desire to perform in front of thousands of people-- [laughter] -- only a truly broken person would-- [laughter] -- do that intentionally and make fools of themselves in front of people like that. [laughter] Someone very insecure would parade around, shaking their butts for strangers.
MARISHA: It's true.
ASHLEY: Yeah.
ROBBIE: I'm thinking about setting up a tour.
LAURA: (laughs) [laughter]
ROBBIE: You think your words can hurt me? Oh, no, no, no. We have many more games to play. Merty, show them what we've set up for you. Just look around. (snaps)
MATT: As he snaps, you watch the green room melt away. Once more, your troop now sits in the center of this massive theater. Thousands of faces watching on, some on your side, some still thirsty for blood. But there above it all, you see an impossibly complex, tall, I can almost say a sculpture of a physically challenging contest mountain. of a physically challenging contest mountain. You see electrified cages hanging from massive lengths of chain themselves sparking with blue and green electrical energy. You see bubbling lava pits that are themselves sending forth blasts of molten rock. You see acid geysers spraying in the upper areas, dissolving nearby parts of the theater. You see spinning blade tracts that go from side-to-side, (whooshing) releasing a terrifying display of contests. You see spiked pendulums swinging around, (swishing) themselves splattered with blood of all sorts of color and ichor. You see lightning arcs between poles. (zapping) It is a deathly mountain with fire spouts, toxic sludge waterfalls, and a terrifying--
ROBBIE: (chuckles darkly)
MATT: -- advancement of the few contests you've already engaged in.
ROBBIE: Quick, Fearne, gaze into another dimension. What was the name of Matthew Mercer's best childhood friend?
SAM: What? [laughter]
ASHLEY: Oh, oh, wait.
SAM: What?
ROBBIE: Wrong! And I'll cast Fiery Encore. (whooshing)
ASHLEY: Whoa!
LAURA: Wait, wait. Before we left the green room, did I get my spell out?
MATT: I'll say just in time you managed to.
LAURA: Okay, in that case, everybody healed 19 points before we came back.
ASHLEY: 19 points, okay.
LAURA: I'm sorry it's not better.
ASHLEY: All right, all right. [cheering]
LAURA: Thank you. I did it!
MARISHA: Great.
ASHLEY: Thank you.
MATT: I need you to roll four attacks.
ASHLEY: What?
TRAVIS: Four?
ASHLEY: Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
MATT: 24, does that hit you Fearne?
ASHLEY: Yes. Wait, hold on. (laughs) [laughter]
ASHLEY: Just give me two seconds.
MATT: A 27 hit you?
SAM: Yes.
ASHLEY: That hits.
MATT: Third time. 27, does that hit you?
ASHLEY: Wait--
SAM: Of course it does.
ASHLEY: Shield.
ROBBIE: 16, 17, 17.
MATT: What does it make your AC?
LIAM: It has to beat the very high number.
ASHLEY: Wait, what did you roll, 24?
MATT: 24, 27, 27.
ASHLEY: Oh, then nevermind. Sorry, I didn't hear that.
MATT: That's okay.
ASHLEY: You got me.
MATT: So you watch as Malvolio conjures fiery bolt after fiery bolt, tossing them towards your feet, exploding, forcing you to dance once more. Suddenly rushing backward. You take from those blasts there--
ROBBIE: Oh shit.
TALIESIN: Is it fire damage?
ROBBIE: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
MATT: 27 points of fire damage as you are now dancing from the flame. (popping)
ASHLEY: Ow!
ROBBIE: As long as you're in my realm, you're at my behest. You dance for me or you do nothing. I'm tired of these games. I'm not here to see you fail. I'm here to see you die.
TALIESIN: Is this your realm, though? Really, is this your realm? Because, boy, you seem like a bloody day player to me.
ROBBIE: Does my power feel weak to you?
TALIESIN: I feel like your power is not yours at all. I think you're an empty suit. [jeering and cheering]
ASHLEY: Oh wow.
ROBBIE: That one hurt a little bit. [laughter]
MATT: All right. I need you to make a wisdom saving throw, Malvolio.
ROBBIE: Okay. Wisdom saving?
MATT: A natural one.
LAURA: (gasp)
TALIESIN: (cackles) [cheering]
MATT: If you decide to engage, until Malvolio's next turn, he takes full damage.
LAURA: (gasps)
MATT: What do you do?
LAURA: I go over and I try to give him a hug and comfort him.
TALIESIN: And while she's holding on--
LAURA: And while I'm doing that, I'm going to cast Inflict Wounds.
MARISHA: Yeah. [cheering]
MARISHA: Hell yeah.
ASHLEY: Yar.
MATT: Okay.
ASHLEY: Here we go.
MATT: I would like all of you to roll initiative.
TALIESIN: (laughs) [cheering]
MATT: Including you.
LAURA: Oh!
ROBBIE: In my realm? Big mistake.
ASHLEY: Ugh.
MATT: (laughs)
TALIESIN: I want that die.
MATT: All right.
ASHLEY: Okay.
MATT: 25 to 20.
MARISHA: Hang on.
LAURA: 23.
MARISHA: Uh.
TRAVIS: Damn.
ROBBIE: 25.
ASHLEY: (groans)
LIAM: Ugh.
MARISHA: Wait, I'm still figuring out. Okay, also 25.
SAM: Woo. [cheering]
TRAVIS: Rollies!
MATT: Rollies, let's go.
ROBBIE: I love a good game of Rollies. One, two, three, go.
MARISHA: Rollies. Look me in the eye, look me in the eye. 14.
ROBBIE: Three.
MARISHA: Oh ho! (laughs)
ASHLEY: Yes, Beau.
MARISHA: So, Beau, Mal-- MC, Jester.
MATT and LAURA: Jester.
MATT: Anybody else in the twenties? 20 to 15.
TRAVIS: 19.
MATT: Grog.
ASHLEY: We got a Grog.
MATT: 15 to 10.
TALIESIN: 17, sorry.
MATT: Okay, there we go.
TALIESIN: There we are.
LAURA: Wait, 17, what did Grog roll?
TALIESIN: Kingsley after Grog.
MATT: Anyone else? 17 to 15. 15 to 10?
SAM: 11.
MATT: All right, we have Veth at 11.
MATT: 10 to five.
LIAM: Acht, it is an eight for me.
MATT: All right.
SAM: The mighty acht.
ASHLEY: And that's a five for me.
MATT: Fearne, you are nothing if dependable in your initiative role.
ASHLEY: You know it. (laughter) [laughter]
ASHLEY: I can always bring up the rear.
MATT: So, because Beauregard beat Malvolio in initiative, for your round what do you want to do?
LAURA: Wait, did I get Inflict Wounds?
MARISHA: Did she get her Inflict Wounds off?
LAURA: Did I get my Inflict Wounds?
MATT: As you move into him, this is the initiative.
LAURA: Okay, okay, okay, okay, okay.
MATT: The moment that there was a moment of aggression and intent, that's when initiative order started. So that your action next is going to do that. Beauregard, what are you doing?
LAURA: All right.
MARISHA: I'm going to run forward and as I see Jester going up and taking the hug and knowing, working together for as long as we have now, knowing what she's doing, I'm going to run, I'm going to slide on my knees, take my Belabor staff I'm going to do two cracks. Aiming for the lower half of his body.
SAM: Crack, crack?
MARISHA: Crack, crack.
MATT: (laughs) [cheering]
MARISHA: That's what we say when we are in Chicago, baby.
MATT: All right, let's go ahead and roll some attacks, Beauregard.
MARISHA: Okay, first one, natural 20.
ASHLEY: Yeah, baby! [cheering]
MATT: That'll hit.
MARISHA: Okay, first one. Let's start with that one just in casies. Weak roll, six plus seven, so, okay, 13 damage--
MATT: 13 damage--
MARISHA: -- on that first one.
MATT: -- on that first hit. That was with the double for the crit on the dice?
MARISHA: Correct.
MATT: Okay.
MARISHA: Stunning Strike. [cheering]
MARISHA: Let me track, I did one.
MATT: All right. Well, go ahead and make a constitution saving throw, Malvolio.
ROBBIE: Con save?
MATT: Yes.
MARISHA: Con save.
ROBBIE: Ooh, not great. Eight.
MATT: Eight, that's a fail. [cheering]
MARISHA: Malvolio is stunned.
ROBBIE: So you think. But as my reaction, I'm going to use--
MATT: Not even as a reaction.
ROBBIE: Oh, not even as a reaction. I can use it once per--
MATT: Yeah.
ROBBIE: Thank you, Merty, you're so useful.
MATT: That's what I'm here to help with boss. [laughter]
ROBBIE: I'm going to cast Manifest Contestant.
TRAVIS: What?
ROBBIE: When I'm targeted with an attack, a weapon, or a spell, I can summon another player to appear before me and take it. [groaning]
ASHLEY: What?
MATT: As Jester is currently wrapped around Malvolio. [groaning]
SAM: Oh.
MATT: Jester, you take 13 points of damage and you need to make a constitution saving throw.
TALIESIN: Oh my god.
MARISHA: No!
TRAVIS: (laughs) Oh, that's so messed up.
MARISHA: Jester, I'm so sorry.
LAURA: Okay, 15.
MARISHA: I don't think that saves. Let me--
LAURA: Oh wait, a saving throw.
MATT: Yes.
MARISHA: Saving throw.
LAURA: 15. [laughter]
MARISHA: Wait, still the same?
LAURA: Yeah.
SAM: Yeah.
MARISHA: I don't think that that saves.
LAURA: Can't you drop stun if you want to, though?
MARISHA: No. [laughter]
MATT: Jester, as you are clambering around--
LAURA: Fuck off.
MATT: -- the MC. A heavy whack hits you in the side of your right-hand kidney and your body seizes up. You are stunned by Beauregard.
MARISHA: I want to make-- I don't think so. I don't think so.
MATT: That used Malvolio's reaction. You have the rest of your second attack and future attacks, Beauregard.
MARISHA: That is true. I'm just trying to make sure here. Yeah, no, it's DC 17 with the level--
TRAVIS: Just do some dope monk shit.
MARISHA: I am going to continue to do some dope monk shit.
TALIESIN: Monk that.
MARISHA: I'm going to do my second attack.
MATT: Go for it.
LIAM: Let's go.
MARISHA: Ooh, that is icky. 12.
MATT: 12 is going to miss.
MARISHA: Okay, bonus action. A pop pop, Flurry of Blows. [cheering]
MATT: Flurry of Blows, let's go.
MARISHA: Oh my god, really bad. Really bad. 16 is the highest out of that one.
MATT: Those both miss.
MARISHA: No, both miss. Okay.
MATT: Finishing Beauregard's turn, you're up, Malvolio.
ROBBIE: Oh, you'd like to take pokes at me? Well, that's fine. Why don't you take a poke at some impossible trivia. (laughs) [laughter]
MARISHA: Oh my god.
ROBBIE: I will use Impossible Trivia. I ask you an impossible trivia question while I gloat.
MATT: What's the question?
ROBBIE: The question is--
LAURA: (laughs) [laughter]
MATT: You have to ask the trivia for it to work.
ROBBIE: Okay.
SAM: Wait, did you not come up with any of these?
ROBBIE: The person in the first row closest to the aisle, guess their name. [cheering]
MARISHA: Wait.
ASHLEY: I can tell you.
SAM: They told us. They told us. They told us their name.
MARISHA: They told us earlier.
LAURA: Oh wait! Can I tag in?
MARISHA: They did.
MATT: No, no. This is against you, Beauregard. What's their name?
SAM: They told us their name.
ASHLEY: I know both of their names.
ROBBIE: What's their name?
MARISHA: They told us earlier because they asked a question.
SAM: And we love the fans so much that we remembered.
MATT: Beauregard, what's the name? [laughter]
MARISHA: It was something like--
SAM: It was cool.
MARISHA: It was something. It was like Ashlyn or something like that.
ROBBIE: This is an actor and--
LAURA: Oh no, no, no!
ROBBIE: -- convention-goers worst nightmare. [laughter]
MATT: Ashlyn.
ASHLEY: Can I tag in?
MATT: Is Ashlyn your name?
AUDIENCE MEMBER: No!
ROBBIE: What is your name?
ASHLEY: River. RIVER: River!
LAURA: Ah ha!
ROBBIE: Not even close!
MARISHA: River.
LAURA: River is a really cool name.
ASHLEY: River and Xavier.
LIAM: Ember and Ash are close, to be fair.
MATT: Beauregard, make an intelligence saving throw for me.
TRAVIS: Keen Mind, Keen Mind.
MARISHA: That's a natural 19 plus nine for 28.
MATT: Okay, so you succeed, so you only take half damage.
MARISHA: Okay.
MATT: Which would've been with this roll, would've been 48 points of psychic damage. [groaning]
TRAVIS: Damn!
MATT: You take 24 points of psychic damage. As the sheer volume of embarrassment and public fear of forgetting one of the fans' in the front row's name--
ROBBIE: (laughs maniacally)
MATT: -- sinks into your spirit. But you shrug it off as best as a person can.
MARISHA: I don't believe any of this is real. I think they're all holograms. This is the AI universe that everybody wants!
LAURA: You could have just lied and said your name was Ashlyn. I'm just putting that out there.
TALIESIN: Yeah, way to help out, Ashlyn.
SAM: Yeah!
ROBBIE: Audience, are you having a nice time?
SAM: You're the villain! [cheering]
ROBBIE: Good, good, good. Who out there plays a bard? Does anyone love a bard? [cheering]
ROBBIE: Me too. I'd like to use my bonus action and cast Bardic Demoralization on the big one.
ASHLEY: (gasps)
ROBBIE: Grog.
TRAVIS: (grunts)
MATT: How do you demoralize him?
ROBBIE: So big and strong?
TRAVIS: Yeah?
ROBBIE: But you know what I always say, "Lean is law." Your muscles don't quite look as big as they used to.
TRAVIS: What?
ROBBIE: I feel like you're failing with age, not working to failure on every set, are you? Not having hypertrophy?
LAURA: (laughs)
ROBBIE: Where are you at 6:00am when I'm at the gym, baby? (laughter) [laughter]
TRAVIS: Ooh, it's true. I don't go to my lacid axidosis, I don't max out my sensor, it's true.
ROBBIE: You're going to take a d12 and you must subtract it from your next d20 roll. (groaning)
TRAVIS: Damn! [laughter] [groaning]
TRAVIS: A 10.
MATT: That's minus 10 from your next d20 roll.
MARISHA: That sucks.
ROBBIE: That'll end my turn.
TRAVIS: That hit me in the trapezius.
MATT: Well, if you choose that you have one more little bit.
ROBBIE: Oh yeah. I always forgot about this one. My favorite. Get 'em, Merty.
MATT: "All right, boss, who am I going after?"
ROBBIE: Ooh, let's go for the little one.
MATT: "(laughs) Come here." You watch as Merty suddenly his eyes flash with burning red energy and massive blade-like claws extend from his fingers. And like a weird wolf on the prowl, goes rushing towards you, Veth, and is going to go in and attempt to strike you.
ROBBIE: Come on.
MATT: Ooh, that's a natural two, for a 12, I think that misses.
LAURA: Oh.
SAM: Woo. I see you coming and I do a little barrel roll and I flick you on gooch as I go by.
MATT: "(grunts)" [laughter]
LAURA: (laughs)
MATT: I slink back. "Boss, in the gooch."
ROBBIE: Now that's comedy.
MATT: And that I believe does end your turn.
ROBBIE: Mm-hmm.
MATT: All right, Jester.
LAURA: I'm stunned.
MATT: You're stunned, unfortunately.
LAURA: But wait, I have to be honest because when I cast Mass Cure Wounds I cast it at 6th-level, because I rolled 4d8 instead of 3d8.
MATT: Okay.
LAURA: So, that's a 6th-level spell slot.
MATT: Okay, so how much more does that do?
LAURA: Oh it, I didn't.
MATT: Oh no.
LAURA: It was only a 19. I just rolled like shit, but it was four of them.
MATT: Got you, fair enough.
LAURA: All right.
MATT: Well, here's the thing. You were already touching Malvolio when you were stunned.
LAURA: Yeah.
MATT: Do you still want to cast this spell?
LAURA: Yes, I do. Can I do it?
MATT: I will say--
ASHLEY: Yes.
MATT: -- because the Traveler is here. You won't be able to move or do anything else in your turn. Make one more wisdom saving throw.
TRAVIS: Let's go.
MARISHA: Come on. [cheering]
LIAM: Come on, come on!
TALIESIN: Kill it. Kill it.
LIAM: Let's go, cleric! [cheering]
LAURA: Wisdom saving throw? 20. [cheering]
TALIESIN: Oh! [cheering]
MATT: Okay. So the DC on this is an 18 for your presence there. That is a success. So while you are still stunned for your turn, the spell was already happening and when you locked into place, you were still touching MC.
LAURA: (gasps) As Malvolio, suddenly you feel this burst of necrotic energy, (impacting) strike through your torso as Jester is still kind of around you like a human shield. After taking the hit, you see a faint grin on her blue tiefling face as you take--?
LAURA: That's oh, that's a 7th-level spell because I already used my 6th. So that's 9d10 damage.
MATT: Right. So roll to attack.
LAURA: Roll to attack. Roll to attack, roll to attack!
MATT: Have to roll to attack because you're moving in.
LAURA: (growls)
MARISHA: Come on.
MATT: It's only fair.
LAURA: Okay, okay, okay. 23.
MATT: That hits. [cheering]
TRAVIS: (laughs)
LAURA: Okay. One, two, three.
SAM: Couple of dice.
LAURA: Thank you. Oh, okay. Eight plus five is?
LAURA and SAM: 13. [laughter]
LAURA: 22, 23. Three, okay. 23, 33, 37, 40, 43 points of necrotic damage.
SAM: Woo.
ASHLEY: Ooh! [cheering]
MATT: A heavy magical blow to you, Malvolio.
ROBBIE: That hurt.
MATT: But you are still stunned and cannot move for the rest of the turn. So you are still there more or less partially projecting and giving half cover to you from other strikes. Finishing Jester's turn, you are no longer stunned now.
LAURA: Ah!
MATT: Grog, you're up.
TRAVIS: Yeah. (grunts) I would like to rage! [cheering]
TRAVIS: Hoo hoo! [cheering]
TRAVIS: I would like to make--
AUDIENCE: Grog, Grog, Grog.
LAURA: (laughs)
ASHLEY: Grog, Grog, Grog!
TRAVIS: (laughs) [laughter]
TRAVIS: I love you, Chicago! I'll make the first of my two of Bloodaxe attacks, Reckless, Great Weapon Master. [cheering]
MATT: Let's go. That first attack is a minus 15.
TRAVIS: What!
LAURA: Oh, right.
TRAVIS: Damn. [laughter]
TRAVIS: Oh shit.
MARISHA: (laughs)
TRAVIS: That misses with a negative number thingy.
MATT: (laughs) The first swing as you billow up your muscular rage and anger, you charge forward and that axe, schoof, gets stuck into one of the wood beams of the green room.
TRAVIS: Oh.
MATT: Like exterior and the opening of the stage.
TRAVIS: I must be a little bit rusty. Next one is-- Yep. 20. 23 minus 15. Is a 15 to hit?
MATT: That misses.
TRAVIS: Damn it!
SAM: Wait, is he supposed to subtract 15 from that one, too?
MATT: No, just from the first one.
TRAVIS: Oh, just from the first one? (chuckles) [cheering]
TRAVIS: That's a 30 to hit. [cheering]
MATT: Go ahead and roll damage.
TRAVIS: (giggles)
MATT: That definitely hits.
TRAVIS: ♪ I like rolling damage as Grog ♪ ♪ It's fun ♪ [laughter]
TRAVIS: That is 26 points of slashing damage.
MATT: All right.
ASHLEY: Yes. [cheering]
ROBBIE: I'll take it, I'll take it. I'll take it.
MATT: Okay. 26 points of damage. It doesn't do as much damage as you think. In fact, the necrotic hit that you hit with earlier, it seemed as Malvolio gained his confidence on his turn, the impacts are somehow slightly diminished.
LAURA: (gasps)
MATT: Like he is protected by some infernal force from within.
TRAVIS: It's almost like he's protected from some infernal force from within. [laughter]
MATT: (chuckles) Does that finish your turn, Grog?
TRAVIS: Yeah, it does, but I go: (fart noises).
ROBBIE: (fart noises)
MATT: (laughs) All right, finishing Grog's go, Kingsley, you're up, with Veth on deck.
TALIESIN: Now it's time to show you some bloody flair. Kingsley slowly removes his long rapier, takes his bifurcated tongue and cuts it along the blade.
SAM: Ugh. [groaning]
TALIESIN: Letting the blood soak all the way across the blade and then it slowly starts to glow with radiant damage. I take 1d8 necrotic, which is only two. Ha ha. Now, having that up and running, I make a nice little spin, walk up. It's going to come from the right, it comes from the left. I'm going to try and cut right above the cheek into that pretty, pretty face. And I'm going to make an attack.
MARISHA: Come on.
TALIESIN: With advantage because I'm also activating my sword, which will give me advantage. Where is my--
MATT: Very well.
TALIESIN: Sword does all sorts of fun shit. That is easier to say. So the attack is-- I rolled a 17 plus god only knows. Hold on. 17 plus 12, so 30 to hit.
MATT: That'll hit. [cheering]
TALIESIN: That is because of everything, that's 1d10 force, 1d10 piercing, 2d6 for sneak attack, and 1d8 radiant for fun. [cheering]
TALIESIN: Oh my, wait, I can reroll one of these which is my right. So I'm going to go for it. That's a little better.
LAURA: Nice.
TALIESIN: That's five, 14, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 23, plus nine which is 32.
LAURA: 32.
TALIESIN: 32 points with some radiant damage in there.
MATT: 32 points of damage coming towards you, Malvolio.
ROBBIE: (grunts) This is starting to get annoying.
TALIESIN: So I'm going to take another attack really quickly while I'm there. [cheering]
MATT: Now, this attack also you're noticing you strike true and it goes in, but there is a density and a magical protection to Malvolio. So while you do manage to inflict hurt and pain, see the reaction in his face from the impact, it's still not as strong as you would hope.
LAURA: Magical protection.
SAM: It's like his ego is protecting him.
TALIESIN: Oh, you're so boring. And I'm going to flip around with my other attack and attack you.
MATT: Attack me?
TALIESIN: Yeah.
LAURA: (gasps)
MATT: Go for it. Roll an attack.
ROBBIE: You get your hands off of him.
TALIESIN: Too late.
LAURA: (laughs)
TALIESIN: That's not great. That's a-- I can swear I count, 21 to hit.
MATT: Oh, 21 hits.
TALIESIN: Oh well, there we are. And I don't get that, but I still get my radiant and I get my other d8. So it's radiant and force I believe I still get. So that's and an extra d8 as well. There we are. Ha hee! That's five, six, seven, eight, nine, 13, 22 points of damage.
MATT: 22 points of damage.
ASHLEY: Damn.
MATT: A heavy strike. Carves through Merty. He goes: "(grunts) Boss, boss, they're supposed to be coming for you."
ROBBIE: I know, I know. Merty, I know we've only known each other for a few months, but I love you like a goddamn brother. Legendary Action!
TRAVIS: What? [cheering]
LAURA and MARISHA: (giggle)
SAM: Are you going to make out?
ROBBIE: Get 'em, Merty!
SAM: Oh.
MATT: "Yeah boss, yeah. (laughs)" As Merty dives towards you.
TALIESIN: Let's bloody dance.
ROBBIE: (gasps)
MATT: With a natural one. (laughter) [laughter]
TRAVIS: Yes, more of those!
TALIESIN: I literally ole you past.
MATT: "(grunts) I tried, boss." (claws slashing) Keeps at the ready. That's going to finish your turn?
TALIESIN: Oh yeah.
MATT: All righty, with that. Veth, you're up, with Caleb on deck.
SAM: I like how Merty is turning into Krusty the Clown a little bit. (laughter) [laughter]
MATT: "Hey, I'm just trying to make it work. It's okay, don't worry about it."
SAM: I feel like we have to damage his ego or distract him somehow. So I'm going to spend my turn shouting out to the MC: So I'm going to spend my turn shouting out to the MC: Sure, you've got cockiness and bravado. but shouldn't you be concerned with that piece of toilet paper stuck to your shoe? And I'm going to cast Phantasmal Force.
TRAVIS: (laughs)
MATT: That's an intelligence saving throw?
SAM: It is.
MATT: Roll an intelligence saving throw for me.
ROBBIE: (huffs)
MATT: That's a six.
ROBBIE: Six.
MARISHA: Ohh.
SAM: So, you have a piece of toilet paper stuck to your shoe and it's got a little bit of poo on it. [laughter]
LAURA: Aw.
MATT: You look down and see it.
SAM: And you just can't get it off.
MATT: It is messy. It is embarrassing. Make a wisdom saving throw. (laughter)
TALIESIN: I hate it.
ROBBIE: That's another six. No, no, no, I'm sorry.
MATT: That's an eight.
ROBBIE: That's an eight, it's an eight.
MATT: Dejection in Malvolio's face. His attention is now half divided amongst the non-existent toilet paper piece and the tracks it's leaving in his imagination.
LAURA: Oh.
ASHLEY: Gross.
MATT: It seem-- Yeah. (laughs)
TRAVIS: Ah, nothing like some skid marks.
MATT: Is there any damage to that?
SAM: I mean it's 1d6 psychic damage.
MATT: Hey, it all adds up, buddy.
SAM: One. [laughter]
MATT: You take one damage.
ROBBIE: But for the last four pieces of damage I've taken, you should all know that this is the first time you've seen even one piece hurt me for one point because it was half that damage on the one before and half on the other because I have Unflappable Confidence.
LAURA: Oh.
ROBBIE: And for the first time ever I'm flapped. (laughter) [laughter]
SAM: Yes! Yes!
TRAVIS: Oh ho ho! [cheering]
LAURA: I like it. I like it.
SAM: He can be flapped. It's true! That's my turn.
MATT: All right, that finishes Veth's go. Caleb, you're up, with Fearne on deck.
LIAM: Yeah, okay, so I see that our host is locked into place, which I like. I also like that my best friend has cracked into his psyche.
ASHLEY: Yeah.
LIAM: I ignite the Stormrider Boots and start Ironman flying towards him.
ASHLEY: Yes.
LIAM: I pull out a wad of gold dust from my hand and antique his golden coat.
ASHLEY: Ooh. And cast the dunamantic spell Immovable Object at 6th-level.
TALIESIN: Oh, oh oh! [cheering]
TALIESIN: Woo! Monster.
ROBBIE: That's the most beautiful man I've ever seen. (laughter)
MATT: Malvolio, in a reaction, in a moment of reactive time, watching him fly through, you would almost stumble back in awe. But you can't stumble or move because your jacket is currently frozen in place.
MARISHA: Wow.
MATT: You could try and move but it is a contested roll against his spell capability.
LIAM: It's my DC, and since it's at 6th-level, it's my DC plus 10.
ASHLEY: Ooh! [noises of awe]
ROBBIE: (grunts)
TRAVIS: Damn.
LIAM: Got to beat a 28, my friend.
LAURA: Where did that come from? Wait, wait, where did that come from?
TRAVIS: What sexier than wizards?
AUDIENCE: Nothing!
MATT: You know.
LAURA: Is that wizard shit?
SAM: I guess.
ROBBIE: Is this even doable, Merty?
LIAM: Yeah.
MATT: Boss, it was a really clever idea. You going to let it slide?
ROBBIE: Jacket on or jacket off? We'll find out. (laughter)
MATT: When we get to your turn, we'll see what you want to do. All right, Caleb, does that finish your go?
LIAM: All I'll say is that it's 90 feet of movement with those boots. So I will rocket in and then rocket the fuck away while he is unable to do anything.
MATT: Okay, you rocket off beyond the stage for a bit and you're at the edge where the audience is keeping yourself at bay from the center of this chaos. You got it. All right, finishing Caleb's go. Fearne, you're up, with Beau on deck.
TRAVIS: Impressive.
ASHLEY: All right, so Malvolio is stuck in place?
MATT: Currently. And he's--
ASHLEY: Okay, great.
MATT: -- extremely dejected.
ASHLEY: So.
LIAM: Double stuck.
ASHLEY: I would like to, since there's a little bit of darkness in there, I think I'd like to cast Moonbeam and I'm going to do that at, let's go ahead and do it at at 6th-level.
SAM: Woo!
MATT: Sure.
ASHLEY: Also, this says, I don't know if this will apply, but maybe it will. A shapechanger makes its saving throw with disadvantage.
MARISHA: Interesting.
TALIESIN: Ooh.
TRAVIS: Uh-oh.
ROBBIE: How interesting.
ASHLEY: Okay.
ROBBIE: What was the save?
MATT: Is it wisdom?
ASHLEY: It is constitution of 20.
SAM: Oh. (gasps)
ROBBIE: I failed on the first roll.
TRAVIS: Do you have to roll a second time?
ASHLEY: Have to roll again?
TRAVIS: He did!
ASHLEY: Okay, okay. [cheering]
MATT: So you do fail the Moonbeam. Roll damage, Fearne.
ASHLEY: Okay.
MARISHA: I think someone's--
TRAVIS: Fearne Calloway on that ass.
ASHLEY: Okay, okay.
LAURA: Chaos reigns!
ASHLEY: Did a good, did a good. Did a good. All right, these are my 10s. Okay.
TRAVIS: Fearne Calloway on that ass.
ASHLEY: Ooh! All right, so we got 6d10s.
TRAVIS: Fearne, Fearne, ALL: Fearne, Fearne, Fearne, Fearne, Fearne, Fearne,
ASHLEY: Okay, okay. Oh, this isn't very good, y'all. All right, so we got 11 plus seven. 18. We got, oh, that's another 10.
LAURA: 28.
ASHLEY: What's that 21?
LAURA: 28.
ASHLEY: No. So sorry.
MATT: 27.
ASHLEY: Okay that's four. That means there are two of these. Ah. (giggling)
LAURA: "Ah."
ASHLEY: All right, plus another six. 24.
MATT: Okay. Got it.
LIAM: These dice are normal sized. Are you okay?
ASHLEY: Yes.
MATT: (laughs)
ASHLEY: I'm okay.
MARISHA: It's because the crew provided her with them.
LIAM: Uh-huh, uh-huh.
ASHLEY: Correct.
MATT: (magic beaming)
ASHLEY: I didn't bring any of my teeth.
MATT: A massive flash of pure lunar magical energy columns up from beneath Malvolio and blasts him, enveloping him in beautiful, burning, pure white moonlight. It burns the outside of your skin and in this moment, take full damage from the spell.
LAURA: (gasps)
MATT: As it begins to burn, you see curling ash marks at the edge of his cheeks. That's a pretty nasty hit. Anything else you want to do in your turn, Fearne?
ROBBIE: (pants)
ASHLEY: Sure. I'm going to-- Mister's been hanging out.
TRAVIS: You never called that play.
MATT: (monkey hooting) [cheering]
ASHLEY: Mister, throw some shit at him.
MATT: (monkey laughs)
ROBBIE: Don't you dare. Anything but this.
MATT: Mister has advantage on this roll because he is locked in a coat.
ASHLEY: Wait, say again, he is?
MATT: He's locked in a coat. So Mister has advantage on the attack roll.
TRAVIS: Yep.
ASHLEY: Great.
MATT: He can't dodge a flaming turd.
ASHLEY: Okay.
MATT: Not that well, at least.
SAM: It's a full metal jacket.
TALIESIN: It's funny because it's true. Oh boo.
TRAVIS: I'm here for it, though.
ASHLEY: Sorry, I'm trying to find Mister here. There we go. All right, we got-- Oh wow! I rolled a natural 19 for him.
SAM: Oh my god! [cheering]
ASHLEY: Plus 11.
SAM: I'm starting to feel bad.
MATT: That'll hit. Roll flaming poo damage.
ASHLEY: Oh, let's add some poo-poo damage!
SAM: (laughs)
ASHLEY: Poo-poo!
TRAVIS: Roll one more d20, just to see. Just to see, one more d20.
ASHLEY: One more d20?
TALIESIN: Yeah, just for fun.
TRAVIS: You had advantage.
ASHLEY: No.
TRAVIS: (growls)
MATT: It was worth trying.
ASHLEY: All right, that's a four. We got four plus six. We got a 10. We got 10 fire damage.
MATT: 10 points of damage. Straight through. Flaming poo to the neck and left shoulder area of Malvolio.
ASHLEY: And--
SAM: You need some toilet paper to wipe that off? [laughter]
MATT: And, Fearne?
ASHLEY: You're good. We're good.
LIAM: We're children!
SAM: (laughs)
ASHLEY: That's the end of my turn.
MATT: All right.
ROBBIE: (groans) Merty. Merty, how am I looking, baby?
TRAVIS: (laughs)
MATT: "I mean honestly, right now, a little rough, boss, at least on a visual standpoint. Like, you look gorgeous. Your whole ensemble's a little wrecked."
ROBBIE: Say it again. Say I look gorgeous.
MATT: "You look gorgeous."
ROBBIE: One more time.
MATT: "You look gorgeous."
ROBBIE: Yeah, baby! [cheering]
ROBBIE: I'm going to use my legendary action! [cheering]
ROBBIE: Another round in which I can use one of my standard attacks at any time. This one's for you, Fearnie. Covered in shit. Thanks a lot! Hey, audience, did you like it when she covered me in shit? [cheering]
ASHLEY: Just a little.
ROBBIE: Good, because the louder you applauded, the more damage it did to her! [oohing]
MATT: So as the audience begins to spill and grow in volume from earlier, as their cheers begin to echo and reverberate, it fills the chamber, and all of you find yourselves grabbing your ears. I need everyone to make constitution saving throws.
MARISHA: Oh.
ASHLEY: Okay.
LAURA: All of us? All of us?
MATT: All of you.
TRAVIS: Is this a spell or a legendary action?
MATT: This is a legendary action.
TALIESIN: So not a spell. Is it a magical effect?
MATT: I would consider it a magical effect.
TALIESIN: Okay, so I have advantage on this save. That's nice.
MARISHA: It's not good.
LAURA: Oh no!
LIAM: Saving throw, constitution.
LAURA: Oh no!
SAM: Yikes!
ASHLEY: Wait, is this a spell or a magical effect?
SAM: He just said that!
MATT: Yes, it is.
ASHLEY: Did he? I didn't hear. Is it?
TALIESIN: It is. Yeah.
LAURA: (laughs)
ASHLEY: It is? Okay.
SAM: Is this a spell or a magical effect?
ASHLEY: Sorry, there's a lot going on.
ROBBIE: A legendary action.
MATT: All right. Beauregard.
MARISHA: It's not good. 13.
MATT: 23 points of thunder damage.
TRAVIS: Oof!
MATT: Kingsley?
TALIESIN: 18.
MATT: That just succeeds! So you take 11 points of thunder damage. Veth?
SAM: 11!
MATT: 11. You take 23 points of thunder damage.
LAURA: Can you--
MATT: Jester?
LAURA: -- roll or something? Can't you avoid it?
SAM: Oh, wait! Do I get like--
LAURA: Evasion or something?
SAM: -- Evasion.
MATT: This is not a dexterity saving throw, unfortunately
SAM: Okay, great.
LAURA: I rolled a 12.
MATT: 23 points of thunder damage. Grog?
TRAVIS: 25.
MATT: 11 points of thunder damage. Caleb?
LIAM: Zwölf. Fail.
MATT: Yeah. 23 points of thunder damage. And Fearne?
ASHLEY: Six.
MATT: 23 points of thunder damage.
ASHLEY: Okay.
MATT: As the roar of the audience washes over you and shatters, not just your sense of self and confidence, but you feel your bones vibrate with a horrible aching pain. As it passes, you find your body itself racked with soreness immediately thereafter. That finishes Fearne's go, and your last two legendary actions for now. Beauregard, you're up.
MARISHA: Hey, you guys know those guys who do the moving statue thing? You know, on the street? That's you right now.
LAURA and SAM: (laugh)
MARISHA: I'm bad at insults. Okay, I'm going to look around.
TRAVIS: Sick burn. Sick burn.
MARISHA: Thank you. Okay, I'm going to go off script a little bit here. Question. This is being broadcast to a larger audience, right?
MATT: There's an audience present.
MARISHA: There's an audience present.
MATT: Do you want to see if there's--
SAM: It's not streaming live--
MATT: -- anything beyond that?
SAM: -- but it is being recorded for a future broadcast.
TALIESIN: (laughs)
MARISHA: Do we see something that would resemble a fantasy version of cameras?
MATT: Make a perception check.
MARISHA: Thank you.
TRAVIS: What's a camera? (laughs)
MARISHA: Describe--
SAM: Arcane optics device.
LAURA: A fantasy version.
MARISHA: Okay. 15.
MATT: 15. You can see across the audience on the far end of the theater there are a small number of arcane devices, tube light with strange crystals affixed to the end of it that seem to be trained on the movements of you and your compatriots since you arrived.
MARISHA: How far away is it?
MATT: It's about 100 feet-- [laughter]
MATT: -- maybe a little under.
LIAM: Clever girl.
ROBBIE: Yes, make it canon, Matt. Make it canon! [laughter]
SAM: It's got a red light on it!
TALIESIN: It might be an actual cannon.
MARISHA: You're right.
SAM: Oh! It changed.
MARISHA: I see it. I see it! Okay, I am going to head towards the crystals with the red lights that keep shifting.
MATT: All right. What's your movement?
MARISHA: My movement is 50, so I'm going to Step of the Wind to get there.
LAURA: (laughs)
MARISHA: You said it's right at 100 feet.
MATT: 100 feet. That'll get you there! Beauregard, (rapid dash) you dart through the center of the audience and charge through the theater, right up against one of these crystal devices.
MARISHA: So I run up and I do a little dope monk shit and jump on everyone's heads as I go over. Sorry! Sorry! Sorry!
MATT: (laughs)
MARISHA: I go over and then take two strikes at the recording crystals.
MATT: Go for it. Make two attacks.
MARISHA: All right.
TALIESIN: I believe in you.
MARISHA: Yep. Those are very good. The first one is a natural 19, bringing it to 31. Then the second one is going to be 24.
MATT: Yeah, both of those hit. Go ahead and roll damage.
MARISHA: Okay. The first one at the first camera is going to be 13 damage.
MATT: Okay.
MARISHA: The second one is going to be 14 damage.
MATT: Okay.
MARISHA: How did the first crystal look after the first one?
MATT: Heavy impact and it cracks, but it's still holding strong. The person behind it who's holding it, their robed figure looks up, small horns on the side of the head, like, "(panicked moans) What are you doing, miss?"
MARISHA: Go away!
MATT: "Okay," and they run away.
ASHLEY: (laughs) [laughter]
MARISHA: I'm going to use that second one to break the--
SAM: It's time for his union break.
MATT: (laughs) [laughter]
MATT: (shatters) [laughter]
MATT: With that second impact, Beauregard, you shatter this device. With that, one connection to the viewership of this event of which you're a part of is scattered and destroyed, which effectively, an element of Malvolio's defenses has been slightly reduced.
ASHLEY: Ooh! Good job! [cheering]
ASHLEY: Yes! Okay.
LAURA: Okay, okay.
TRAVIS: Everybody wave and get a round of applause to our camera ops!
LAURA: Hey!
MARISHA: Shout out our camera ops! Thank you! [cheering]
MARISHA: But unfortunately, I still have two more attacks because I'm going to do Flurry of Blows to the other one.
TRAVIS: Oh shit!
MATT: (laughs)
ASHLEY: Get it, get it, get it!
MATT: Well you have to roll your--
LIAM: Whoa!
LAURA: (laughs)
LIAM: Whoa!
MATT: We'll get there. [laughter]
MATT and ASHLEY: (laugh)
MATT: Perfect!
TALIESIN: Roll your dice.
MATT: Roll your dice. What you got?
MARISHA: Natural 19.
TRAVIS: Natural 19! [cheering]
TRAVIS: That's cocked.
MARISHA: That's cocked?
LIAM: Cocked.
MARISHA: And a seven. Not as good.
LAURA: Attack it again! Attack it again!
MARISHA: So that's going to be seven, Seven plus 12 is--
AUDIENCE: 19.
TALIESIN: 19.
MARISHA: 19.
MATT: 19. I'll say 20 is the target for these devices. So that unfortunately misses.
LAURA: (groans)
MATT: One of them does hit. Roll damage.
MARISHA: Okay. That's good. That's going to be 14 to the first one.
MATT: 14 points of damage. A heavy impact. Crack! It (harsh crack) gets sent partially out of its mooring. It's still holding on and you can see a faint arcane glow sparking from within the crystal. So it's still functioning, but just barely.
LAURA: (groans)
MARISHA: Sorry. Sorry!
MATT: That finish your turn, Beau?
MARISHA: That finishes my turn.
MATT: That brings us back to Malvolio. As you dust yourself off, the confidence re-instilled, you watch--
LAURA: Oh, confidence re-instilled!
MATT: He feels a little more in control in this moment.
ROBBIE: Oh you think you're so smart, damaging me by damaging the anachronistic fantasy devices you see around you. [laughter]
TALIESIN: They have these.
ROBBIE: Well, it appears as if you've forgotten that this is my domain. And my passive ability is This is My Domain. (laughter) [laughter]
ROBBIE: As you see around you the modern stage, the proscenium, the lights, and chromatic orbs before you, the space changes to stone and dirt and dust and misuse. Before you is an ancient coliseum, still filled with the souls of Exandria watching in awe, but the orbs are gone, and you stand alone in the high arcing area that no longer has a camera. My turn.
LIAM: Is our host--
ROBBIE: Bonus action.
LIAM: -- still frozen in place, though?
ROBBIE: My turn!
MATT: (laughs) Yes. (laughter) [laughter]
MATT: If you'd like to, you could use part of your attack action to try and escape the coat with an acrobatics check.
LIAM: You have to beat a 28. [laughter]
ASHLEY: Well, hold on a minute.
MATT: Well, that's to keep the coat.
ASHLEY: Hang on. You're starting your turn in the Moonbeam.
MATT: Correct.
ASHLEY: All right, so you take more damage.
MATT: That's true. [cheering]
TRAVIS: Fucking let him know!
SAM: Let's go, Fearne!
MATT: If she holds the Moonbeam, that's how it works.
TRAVIS: Let him know!
ASHLEY: So-- (waggles tongue)
MATT: Make another save.
TRAVIS: No free rides around here!
ASHLEY: (mumbling spell description) "It must make a constitution saving throw."
TRAVIS: Moonbeam!
MATT: Go ahead and roll.
ASHLEY: Make a constitution saving throw. You have to beat a 20. (exhales)
MATT: Ooh! That'll be a 27.
LAURA and LIAM: Oh!
ASHLEY: All right, all right.
MATT: It's half damage, though.
ASHLEY: So okay, 2d10 radiant damage.
MATT: Go ahead and roll it.
ASHLEY: Okay. Where's my 10s? There you are.
SAM: Where's my tits?
MARISHA: That's what I heard!
MATT: That's what I heard, too.
ASHLEY: Where's my tits? [laughter]
LAURA: I mean, that's what I heard.
TALIESIN: Hopefully right where you left them.
ASHLEY: Okay, that's 14. Seven points of radiant.
MATT: Okay, seven points of radiant damage to you. Not a heavy impact. You're still locked in your coat. You can try and force against the magical lock that holds on it, or you can try and squeeze out of your coat, dislocate your shoulders a little bit and get out. Probably an easier roll for acrobatics, but it's up to you.
ROBBIE: Merty!
LAURA: Ow!
ROBBIE: Merty, can you get this thing off of me, please?
MATT: "Boss, yeah, easy enough to-- No, boss. It's kind of hard to move."
ASHLEY: Wait a minute.
MATT: Are you trying to squeeze out of it or are you trying--
ROBBIE: I'm trying to squeeze out of it with Merty's help.
MATT: All right. Merty will help you which will give you advantage.
ROBBIE: All right.
MATT: This will be the Get a Merty action on your turn.
ROBBIE: Yeah, I'll take it.
MATT: All right, so roll an acrobatics check with advantage. That is a plus 11.
ROBBIE: Let's go. Pretty good!
MATT: That's a 26, which does not beat his thing. One more time.
ROBBIE: Oh! You stinky wizard!
MATT: That's not going to do it.
MARISHA: Oh no! [cheering]
MATT: You are still locked in your coat, but you still get at least one of your abilities. You wasted Merty's to help you on that.
ROBBIE: (groans)
ASHLEY: Hold on a minute.
ROBBIE: (groans)
ASHLEY: You have disadvantage on your constitution saving throw. So I know you rolled a 27, so.
MATT: Disadvantage on the saving throw?
ASHLEY: You have disadvantage on the saving throw. If you are a shapechanger.
LIAM: Shapechanger.
MATT: That's right! He has to roll one more time.
ROBBIE: All right!
TALIESIN: Oh!
ROBBIE: Merty, you've been doing this for so long. How do you keep track of all this shit? [laughter]
ROBBIE: Fuck!
MATT: That's a natural one.
ASHLEY: Okay, Okay! (laughter)
MATT: That's 14 points, right?
ASHLEY: All right. Well, hang on a minute.
MATT: Oh boy!
ASHLEY: So this says, "A shapechanger makes a saving throw with disadvantage. If it fails, it also instantly reverts to its original form--"
LAURA: (gasps)
TALIESIN: Oh!
ASHLEY: "-- and can't assume a different form until it leaves the spell's light."
LIAM: (laughs)
TALIESIN: Oh!
ROBBIE: Please!
TALIESIN: Oh!
ROBBIE: Please! I've done everything you've asked of me. I brought them here. They're alive! I'm trying to make them dead. What the fuck do you want from me, man?
MATT: A dark voice rings out from the ether around the entirety of the theater.
LAURA: What's happening?
MATT: (gravely) "I gave you these gifts. Use them as we see fit, or I will take them away."
SAM: Do we hear this voice?
MATT: As the moon-- You hear it faintly through the chamber. As the Moonbeam takes hold, what glamours fade from your change? What do they see, if anything, changes about you, Malvolio?
ROBBIE: I paid 2,000 pieces of gold for these
ROBBIE: I paid 2,000 pieces of gold for these and now this audience is going to get feet for free? (laughter) [cheering]
ROBBIE: No!
MARISHA: (laughs) [cheering]
ASHLEY: Feet!
TRAVIS: No! Anything but that! (laughs)
SAM: Wait, you're only--
LAURA: That's your whole thing?
MARISHA: Wait, do you have the dogs out?
LAURA: You literally just had--
LIAM: His scores go up! It's going up! (laughter)
SAM: Wait, you shapechanged to have boots? [laughter]
TRAVIS: Did you say you have a dark toe? (laughter)
MARISHA: No, but that's funny!
LAURA: You just have bare stinky feet now?
ROBBIE: What?
LAURA: You have bare stinky old feet now?
ROBBIE: Yes, I got stinky old feet. (laughter) [laughter]
TALIESIN: A lot of hair on that knuckle. (laughter) [laughter]
TALIESIN: Just one of them.
ROBBIE: My feelings are really hurt right now, and I did it to myself. (laughter) [laughter]
MATT: Which does, on your turn, demoralize you enough where I need you to make another wisdom saving throw.
ROBBIE: This is tough. (sighs)
MATT: All right, that is going to be--
ROBBIE: Okay. Eight.
MATT: -- plus eight.
ROBBIE: Ooh, ooh, okay. 22.
MATT: 22. You hold on it. So you, feet exposed to the world around, you still hold your shit together. [laughter]
ROBBIE: All right. I did it. I'm good. You better give me a little boost here, you son of a bitch!
ASHLEY: Who are you talking to?
ROBBIE: Don't worry about it! Take your turn.
ASHLEY: Insight check.
LIAM: (laughs)
MATT: Make an insight check. What are you trying to learn?
LAURA: Did we recognize the voice when we heard it?
ASHLEY: Yes, I wanted to see if we recognize the voice or if I can figure out who he's talking to.
MATT: Sure. Make an insight check.
ASHLEY: Yeah. Okay.
TRAVIS: Dad?
LAURA: (screams)
MARISHA: (laughs)
ASHLEY: Okay. Ooh! 23.
SAM: Ooh!
MATT: 23? Best you can tell, you do not recognize this voice, but there definitely seems to be a very direct connection but there definitely seems to be a very direct connection between Malvolio's actions towards this voice and his current disposition. That's the best you can make out for this. Malvolio, is there anything else on your turn you can do?
ROBBIE: What?
MATT: Are you good with your turn?
ROBBIE: I think I'm good for now.
MATT: You have a bonus action.
ROBBIE: Ooh, I do! Thank you. Thank you, Merty. You've always been a good friend.
MATT: "That's what I'm here for, boss! Here to protect you. Got to keep you nice and sane, safe, and hurting things."
ROBBIE: All right. Bardic Demoralization against you, the most charming one.
SAM: Who, me?
ROBBIE: Jester.
SAM: Oh!
TRAVIS: (laughs) [laughter]
ROBBIE: Your next d20 gets a negative d12 roll.
LAURA: Aw, man!
MATT: (laughs)
ROBBIE: Sorry.
MATT: That finishes Malvolio's turn. Jester, you're up, with Grog on deck.
LAURA: Oh, that changes what I was going to do! Hold on!
TALIESIN: There's options.
SAM: Just do it.
LAURA: Not with-- (stammers) [laughter]
LAURA: Aw, man!
TRAVIS: Jester!
TRAVIS and ASHLEY: Jester!
TALIESIN and SAM: (joining chant) Jester! (audience joins chant) Jester! Jester!
LAURA: Okay, okay, okay, okay! Is he still stuck in his coat?
MATT: He's still stuck in his coat with--
LAURA: Okay.
MATT: -- with Merty trying to pull him out of it, like, "Boss, don't worry! Don't worry! We got this."
LAURA: Okay, okay, okay.
MATT: "Don't look over here."
LAURA: Okay, okay, okay, okay.
MATT: "Just a little undressing between boys." [laughter]
LAURA: Okay.
TRAVIS: Just a little undressing! (laughs) [laughter]
LAURA: Okay. I'm going to-- Oh god! Okay. For my action, I'm going to cantrip-- No, I don't want to do that. But listen, listen. Shut up. Okay? [laughter]
LAURA: Okay, what I'm going to do-- (sighs)
AUDIENCE MEMBER: Go, Jester!
LAURA: I'm going to conjure a Spiritual Weapon! [cheering]
LAURA: Instead of my normal beautiful lollipop, it's going to be a giant, golden Traveler-shaped dick. a giant, golden Traveler-shaped dick. [cheering]
LAURA: Like, the biggest one, really floppy. I'm going to try to smack him upside the head with it.
MATT: All right.
TRAVIS: Really floppy?
LAURA: Yeah, it's a floppy dildo, it sort of whack, whack, whack, like rubbery. You know?
MATT: What level are you casting it at?
LAURA: Well, here's the thing. I was going to cast it at level eight, so it's really big. [laughter]
ROBBIE: Listen, listen, listen. (laughter) [laughter]
ROBBIE: Eight's not as big as you think. (laughter) [laughter]
ASHLEY: Oh man!
TRAVIS: That's, eh. (laughter)
SAM: I only cast up to three! (laughter) [laughter]
TRAVIS: It's a whole new world out there, man.
ASHLEY: So dumb!
MATT: (laughs)
TRAVIS: We'll get you a minotaur one of these days.
LAURA: I don't think it's going to hit him, though! (frustrated groan)
MATT: What'd you roll?
LAURA: I haven't rolled yet!
MATT: Well, roll an attack roll with it, as the giant floppy Traveler dick--
LAURA: I have to take 10 off?
MATT: (rubbery flopping)
ASHLEY: Guidance!
SAM: (laughs)
TRAVIS: I love how it had a lightsaber sound.
MATT: It's an action to cast Guidance on your turn, unfortunately.
ASHLEY: Aw!
LAURA: Okay. It's okay.
MATT: But good looking out.
ASHLEY: I was just trying to give her a little--
MATT: Of course!
LAURA: Oh!
MARISHA: (grimaces)
LAURA: Oh. Is that really good? No, that's really bad.
SAM: Minus d12.
MATT: Yep.
LAURA: Minus the d12 or minus 10?
MATT: Minus d12.
LAURA: It doesn't matter. (laughter) [laughter]
LAURA: I won't hit regardless.
MATT: Well, let's see what it is.
LAURA: Okay. Oh, (laughs) that's rough. [laughter]
LAURA: That's a seven.
ROBBIE: Not bad.
MATT: The floppy swing.
LAURA: It's really big, though.
MATT: It's really big, but like a massive kaiju, it's slow in its arc. [laughter]
MATT: It-- (slow warbling) It just misses by about three feet and then ricochets back. (warbling) You've never flung something so large and turgid. [laughter]
TRAVIS: What is this game?
LIAM: Too flaccid, too flaccid to find its target.
LAURA: Okay, listen. I was just trying to make it look like you. [oohing]
TRAVIS: Oh. (laughs)
TALIESIN: Oh!
ROBBIE: I absolutely have to roll for that.
MATT: I mean, you're still demoralized, but sure, let's go for double demoralization.
ROBBIE: Double demoralization.
MATT: Yeah. (laughter)
MATT: That's, actually with an 18, it's still pretty good. So yeah, the next attack is not getting advantage against you, but that still kind of sucked, that hurt.
LAURA: Okay. For my action, I'm going to cantrip Sacred Flame, which is a dexterity saving throw.
MATT: Which you automatically fail because you cannot move.
ROBBIE: Oh.
LAURA: So I automatically do 3d8 damage.
MATT: Yeah, roll damage.
LAURA: Okay, okay, okay, so at least that's something.
MATT: Yep. Grog, you're up next.
LAURA: Okay, okay, okay, okay, Okay, okay, okay. Okay, whatever. Ooh. Whoa, 20.
MATT: Now you know what it feels like to be ganged up on by seven people.
LAURA: 22 points of radiant damage. [cheering]
ROBBIE: Seven or 17?
MATT: 17?
LAURA: 22.
MATT: Oh, 22. Boom, there we go.
LAURA: 22. And you still have a really big dick just flopping right next to you. [laughter]
MARISHA: Just a flop--
ROBBIE: I've had this dream before.
MARISHA: -- floppy tube man. [laughter]
MATT: All right, that finishes your go?
LAURA: Yes.
MATT: Grog, you're up.
TRAVIS: (grunts) At the introduction of this big floppy space whale that just fucking evaporated in front of everything, I'm going to go into a frenzied range!
LAURA: Yeah! [cheering]
TRAVIS: I'm going to make three attacks Reckless, Great Weapon Master. One against the space dick and two against two against him.
MARISHA and MATT: (laugh) [laughter]
TRAVIS: Natural 20. (laughter) [laughter]
ASHLEY: What?
LIAM: Wait, wait. Don't roll again, don't roll again. Is this at advantage because our enemy is locked in place?
LAURA: He's locked in place.
MATT: In this instance, no, he just has a--
SAM: Well, the first attack's against the dick.
TRAVIS: It's reckless.
MATT: Is this against the dick or is this against Malvolio?
TRAVIS: The first one was the dick.
LAURA: Oh, come on.
MATT: Okay.
TRAVIS: The next two are against Malvolio. (laughter)
TRAVIS: This is so stupid.
ROBBIE: Why are you attacking the penis?
TRAVIS: Listen, why would you not attack the penis? 29 to hit for you.
MATT: 29 does hit.
TRAVIS: Oh, minus five, so it's actually 24 to hit.
MATT: 24 hits.
TRAVIS: Still hits.
TALIESIN: That's not going to work that well later.
TRAVIS: And 17 plus 10, 27 minus five is... (waggles tongue)
SAM: 22. 22.
TRAVIS: 22.
MATT: Both hit.
TRAVIS: Beautiful. First, space whale, meet your vengeance. [laughter]
TRAVIS: Five plus five plus 10 plus, oh, plus the Bloodaxe does 1d6 necrotic damage, six, that's 17, 18, 19, 20, 21 points of damage on the floppy penis.
MATT: Your axe swings wide through the ethereal phallus to no impact. It is beyond your ability to harm, Grog. This might be the most dangerous thing you've ever fought. [laughter]
ROBBIE: Yes, yes!
TRAVIS: Focus, Grog. Leave the space whale for another day. [laughter] (laughter)
TRAVIS: (laughing) 1d6...
ROBBIE: Right before you tell me what damage you take, in my frozen form, I turn to Kingsley and say: Oh hello, pretty.
LAURA: Oh no.
ROBBIE: Ready to die again?
SAM: Aw.
LAURA: (gasps) Oh no.
ROBBIE: I cast, as my reaction, Manifest Contestants and you immediately teleport from where you are to directly in front of me to absorb Grog's blow.
LAURA: Oh no!
LIAM: Counterspell.
MATT: It's not a spell.
LIAM: Not a spell?
SAM: Oh!
MATT: It's a magical effect, but it's not a spell.
LIAM: Okay.
MATT: Good looking out.
TRAVIS: 14 points of damage.
MATT: Kingsley, you take a heavy hit from Grog as you're suddenly taking the entire Bloodaxe blow to the chest.
TALIESIN: (groans)
TRAVIS: The very last one, 12 plus five is 17, plus three, 20. 20 points of slashing damage for the very last frenzied rage attack.
MATT: So one does hit true and mark into Malvolio, taking a heavy chunk of the wound left.
TRAVIS: Yeah, from me to you, and the space penis gets it later.
LIAM and MATT: (laugh) [laughter] (laughter) [laughter]
MATT: That finish your turn, Grog? All right, that finishes Grog's turn. Do you want to do that?
ROBBIE: (quack-like laugh) Yes, what was that sound my mouth just made? (laughter) [laughter]
TRAVIS: Yeah. That's what the space penis does.
ROBBIE: That was a mouth stress fart.
LAURA: (laughs) [laughter]
ROBBIE: Yes, my legendary action. I feel like doing a little encore and I'm going to cast two Fiery Bolts at you, Grog, because I'm spiteful.
MATT: Let's go.
ROBBIE: First one. Fuck.
MATT: 14.
ROBBIE: 14 does not hit, I assume.
TRAVIS: Can I also use Mage Slayer?
MARISHA: Yes.
LAURA: (gasps)
MATT: Yeah, you can. But this is after the attack, so the attacks will happen and then you get the reaction.
TRAVIS: Perfect.
ASHLEY: Ooh!
TRAVIS: That misses.
MATT: 14 misses.
ROBBIE: Yeah, all right.
MATT: The next one, roll one more time.
ROBBIE: Oh, I get one more. Yeah, that's right. Guys.
MATT: Same, 14.
TRAVIS: Oh, never mind. I won't use Mage Slayer, bitch. (laughter) [laughter]
MATT: Okay.
ROBBIE: You can't retcon me in my own game. (laughter) [laughter]
MATT: I think that finishes Grog's turn. Kingsley, you're up, with Veth on deck.
TALIESIN: As I'm now bleeding with my back to you, I'm going to, thank you, Grog, for that, by the way. That's why the coat's red. You don't have to see it.
TRAVIS: You're welcome.
TALIESIN: I'm going to lean back, make a nice flare and go: I think that's mine now, darling. And I'm going to use my first attack, also while activating my blade, to try and pierce the hat right off the MC's head.
LAURA: (gasps)
TRAVIS: (gasps) Not the hat!
MATT: All right, this--
ASHLEY: Ooh.
TALIESIN: I'm on double speed and advantage because I activated the sword.
MATT: Yeah. All right, so yeah, take the attack roll with advantage. This is going to be-- So you're not going for damage, you're just going for the hat.
TALIESIN: No damage.
MATT: So this will be a contested acrobatics roll from you to you. You will have an advantage on this roll because you cannot move as well in the seat. You're just trying to move your head out of the way.
TALIESIN: So this is an acrobatic roll.
MATT: Correct.
TALIESIN: All right.
MATT: You have an advantage on it, you do not. So roll and add your acrobatics.
LAURA: Ah!
TALIESIN: Ah!
LAURA: He's really hurting now. (derisive laugh)
ROBBIE: Merty, I can't bear to look at it. Would you please tell--
MATT: (laughs) [laughter]
MATT: Bro, you are rolling so bad.
ROBBIE: I feel like the top of the show was great, the musical number turned out pretty good and they were on my side, but then they figured it out and started to be mean to me. What's it say?
MATT: "I'm sorry to tell you, boss, that's a natural one."
LAURA: (gasps)
TRAVIS: Oh. [clamoring]
SAM: Oh my god.
MATT: Bro, I'm so sorry.
ROBBIE: Oh, this is what I get for spending $300,000 on drama school! (laughter) laughter
MATT: And what'd you roll?
TALIESIN: I rolled a 26. [cheering]
MATT: With a rapid flick of Kingsley's wrist, the rapier pierces and plucks the hat off your head.
LAURA: (gasps)
TALIESIN: A little Bob Fosse-- Bob Fosse, flossy. There we go, right in.
LAURA: Bob flopsy.
TALIESIN: I put the hat on myself, where it clearly looks better.
SAM: Oh! [cheering]
TALIESIN: I take a bow, spin around, and take a slash against his face.
SAM: Oh!
TALIESIN: For my second attack.
MATT: All right, we finished the first attack.
ROBBIE: Please, I beg of you, I worked so hard on the set and everyone, we put this together. Just don't say that they're small. (laughter) [laughter]
TALIESIN: Fucking knew it! I fucking knew it. (exclaiming) (laughter)
ASHLEY: The teeniest. [cheering]
ASHLEY: Oh my goodness. (laughter) [cheering]
ASHLEY: Those are baby horns.
LAURA: Oh!
ROBBIE: No, they're not. They're growing. I promise!
LAURA: Mine are bigger than yours.
ROBBIE: I am a grower, not a shower!
MARISHA: (laughs) [laughter]
LAURA: Listen, listen, mine got bigger as I got older. Maybe yours will do the same thing.
TRAVIS: (laughs) Oh no!
LAURA: Oh.
TALIESIN: Fuck the mohawk, it's worth it.
LAURA: And he's bare-- [cheering]
LAURA: It looks really good. [cheering]
MATT: "Boss, I think you're beautiful."
ROBBIE: Are you sure? Merty, I feel like they're turning against me.
MATT: Merty looks off to the distance for a second. His eyes go black. "Yeah, yeah, okay. Yeah, you're doing fine." Take your second attack, Kingsley.
TALIESIN: 24 to hit.
MATT: That hits, roll damage.
TALIESIN: Woo! Let's see. Yeah, no, I'm happy with all of this.
MARISHA: Yeah.
TALIESIN: That's 12, 18, 19, 21, 25, 34 points of damage.
MATT: Woo! Heavy hit. Malvolio--
ASHLEY: Damn.
MATT: -- you're starting to feel a little winded.
LAURA and TRAVIS: (gasp)
ASHLEY: Oh!
MATT: The blows are starting to cut through not just your ego, but your previously perfect physical form. You're starting to wither.
ROBBIE: Say it ain't so.
TRAVIS: (laughs) [laughter]
ROBBIE: Merty, it's not time for Botox yet, is it? (laughter) [laughter]
MATT: "I got a friend who can hook you up with a Groupon. We'll talk after." (laughter)
MATT: That finishes your turn, Kingsley?
TALIESIN: Oh yes.
MATT: Veth, you're up, with Caleb on deck.
SAM: Okay.
MATT: Unless you want to--
SAM: I probably should attack, but I just can't. I'm going to do something different. Earlier, you called this audience a bunch of strangers. That's not true. These aren't strangers. These are fellow Exandrians. These are comrades in spirit. [cheering]
SAM: These are Critters. [cheering]
SAM: I'm going to cast Tasha's Hideous Laughter on the audience-- [laughter]
SAM: -- and have them mock you with their laughter.
ROBBIE: No!
SAM: Come on! Laugh at him. Laugh at him! (laughter) [laughter]
MATT: I'm going to do something weird with this. (laughter)
AUDIENCE MEMBER: We love you, Robbie!
MATT: Hey, roll this dice for me, Jester. [cheering]
ROBBIE: Let's go!
LAURA: Oh my gosh. [cheering]
LAURA: Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.
TALIESIN: I'm into it.
MATT: All right, roll it on the ground.
LAURA: Wait.
AUDIENCE MEMBER: 17!
SAM: Oh!
MATT: Whoa!
ASHLEY: Oh!
TALIESIN: Whoa!
SAM: Does that mean they resist?
MARISHA: Wait, did they resist it?
MATT: You can keep that. [cheering]
MARISHA: Is that good or bad?
SAM: Is that good or bad?
MATT: So with a high enough roll, I ask you, the Jester in the front row, do you give into the Hideous Laughter?
AUDIENCE MEMBER: Absolutely. [cheering]
MATT: Suddenly the entire audience begins to roar with endless chuckles and laughter. (laughter) [cheering and laughter]
ROBBIE: No, I'm just the new guy. [laughter]
ROBBIE: How could you do this to me? (laughter) [laughter]
ROBBIE: Is this not enough? (laughter)
ROBBIE: Are you not entertained? (laughter) [laughter]
LAURA: Oh.
MATT: Malvolio--
TALIESIN: Oh my god.
LAURA: Oh my god.
MATT: -- as you slink back to your seat, the voice kicks in again. (gravelly) "What are you doing? This execution is delayed."
ROBBIE: I'm sorry, I went off script for a minute. I think I got a little bit caught up in the applause and forgot what it was supposed to do.
MATT: A flash of dark magic dispels what holds your coat in place, sourceless from its location.
ROBBIE: Woo! A little bit sweaty in here. [cheering]
ASHLEY: Wow. What a cool shirt.
ROBBIE: Hey, you know what?
LAURA: It's a really cool shirt.
ROBBIE: I remember what I'm supposed to do. I'm supposed to kill these motherfuckers. [cheering]
ROBBIE: Total Party Kill. It's what everybody wants. They claim to be your fans, fellow Exandrians, but they want to see you suffer. Oh, I'm feeling better right now. Yeah, laugh all you want. Let's do this. Final wind. Bring it on, motherfuckers.
ASHLEY: Ooh!
MATT: A brave face he holds, but the dejection of that room of laughter still cuts deep. The next round has advantage on all attacks against Malvolio.
LAURA: (gasps)
MARISHA and TRAVIS: Oh!
LAURA: Okay, okay, okay.
TRAVIS: Time to tee off!
ASHLEY: Okay, okay, okay. Good job, everybody, good job.
MATT: So, Veth, finishes your turn.
SAM: Yeah.
MATT: Caleb, you're up.
LIAM: All right, well, after seeing my best friend ruin this man's whole life-- [laughter]
LIAM: -- I think it's about time we start trying to end it, and I walk calmly up to him as the gold coat dissolves away, pulling a stone up the length of my arm which glows green and I press my hand to his chest and cast Disintegrate.
LAURA: (gasps)
TRAVIS: Oh! [cheering]
ASHLEY: What?
MARISHA: Come on. Come on.
TRAVIS: This is Disintegrate.
MATT: So for that, is at a--
LIAM: It's a dex save.
MATT: Dex saving throw from you, Malvolio.
TRAVIS: Fucking wizards.
ROBBIE: Good thing you've never cast this spell before ever. [laughter]
ROBBIE: Come on. Knock, knock. Who's there? 28.
TRAVIS: Woo!
TALIESIN: Woo!
LIAM: Well, I don't know--
MARISHA: 28 who?
LIAM: I don't know if he Akira opens up a hole in his chest, but that's a success, a big success.
MATT: Against your save.
LIAM: Yeah, I'm an 18. That's a 28.
MATT: Yeah. So as you unleash this wave, you blast it outward, and as he says this to you, he just smiles and you watch as the visage of Malvolio turns to black smoke and fades away and you immediately sense him behind you, like something had plucked him from that moment in space. He apparates, this dark, tiny horned shadow that looms over from behind.
LAURA: (laughs)
LIAM: I look to Jester and say: He's behind me, isn't he? (laughter) [laughter]
LAURA: Yeah.
ROBBIE: I'm going to use my legendary action one more time.
MATT: You have two more left if you want to use them.
ROBBIE: Because I'm going to use--
ASHLEY: No you don't. You just have one.
ROBBIE: -- two slots to cast another round, which requires two actions. I'm going to cast Multitasker. I'm going to make one attack, and afterwards Merty's going to finish the job. I'm feeling my confidence fall more and more because I dropped the only d20 left at the table. (laughter)
ROBBIE: Holy shit, that's a sock!
MATT: I got you. (laughter) (laughter)
ROBBIE: Here we go.
TALIESIN: I cast Blood Curse of the Eyeless while this happens.
MATT: Okay, so you have disadvantage on the attack roll.
ROBBIE: This one's for the first attack--
TALIESIN: You're going to start feeling a little bit of blood in your eye.
LIAM: Is this for me?
ROBBIE: Not great. Does a 19 hit?
LIAM: Oh ja.
TALIESIN: Was that with a negative d8?
ASHLEY: Wait, but disadvantage.
MATT: Disadvantage because you roll again.
ROBBIE: Oh, right.
SAM: Is it disadvantage or negative d8?
TALIESIN: No, it gives a negative d8.
TRAVIS: Say it, say it, say it.
MATT: No yeah, it's a negative d8?
SAM: Negative d8, not disadvantage.
MATT: Sorry, sorry. So 19 minus--
SAM: A d8.
TALIESIN: Oh.
LAURA: Wait, you rolled with disadvantage.
TALIESIN: They want me to roll. Never mind.
MATT: Yeah, I want you to roll.
TALIESIN: Minus, fuck.
MARISHA: Oh, one.
MATT: Does 18 still hit?
ASHLEY: Goddamn.
LIAM: Shield.
MARISHA: Ooh!
ASHLEY: Okay, okay.
MATT: Roll again. [cheering]
ROBBIE: I'm so good at this. (groans) Again.
MATT: 19, but Shield?
LIAM: Shield holds.
MATT: What's your AC currently with Shield?
LIAM: AC with Shield is 22.
MATT: Roll again. Third blast.
ROBBIE: (sighs)
MATT: That's a 22.
LIAM: Meets it beats it.
MATT: Yeah, roll that damage.
ROBBIE: All right. Oh good, I'm feeling hot tonight, baby. I roll, that's a three. (laughter) [laughter]
MATT: Three points of fire damage, Caleb. Then roll one more as your final blast.
ROBBIE: (huffs)
TRAVIS: Oh, look, you actually actually touched somebody.
MATT: That's a 20.
ROBBIE: That doesn't hit. Oh, I feel it all falling apart.
MATT: "Don't worry, boss, I got this."
LIAM: I wince a little bit and real quiet say: This is beneath both of us. That's it.
MATT: All right, as you see him pull back with this look of shock and despair of failing this amazing retribution, a dark shape curls over Malvolio's shoulder. As you see, Merty goes: "Don't worry, boss. I got him." And leaps towards you. That's going to be a 24 to hit you.
LIAM: Sure.
LAURA: Ugh.
MATT: And with that you take-- Oh yeah, that's going to be, oh ho ho, this is a nasty one.
ROBBIE: Nice, nice. Yeah.
MATT: 23 points of damage.
LIAM: Okay.
MATT: As Merty begins to claw and tear into you. Like this ravenous beast. "(growls)" That finishing Caleb's go, Fearne, you're up.
ASHLEY: All right.
MARISHA: Ooh.
ASHLEY: I've never done this before.
LAURA: You've got this, Fearne.
ASHLEY: Okay. I'm going to walk up to Mal and put my hand on his shoulder. I'm so sorry this is happening to you, but I'm going to cast Contagion--
AUDIENCE: Ooh.
ASHLEY: -- at 5th level and you have to succeed on a constitution saving throw or take 11d8 necrotic damage.
SAM: Oh my god.
ROBBIE: How many? [cheering]
TALIESIN: Wow.
ROBBIE: (gagging)
MATT: Plus eight.
ROBBIE: 26.
ASHLEY: Damn.
SAM: He doesn't have disadvantage because of the laughter?
ASHLEY: Okay wait.
MATT: You know what, I'll allow it, roll one more time. You were dejected. [laughter]
ROBBIE: 24.
TALIESIN: Ooh.
ASHLEY: All right.
LAURA: Because his Con is really high.
ASHLEY: Okay.
TALIESIN: Lost my ears.
ASHLEY: Do you take half damage?
MATT: What does it say on the spell?
ASHLEY: Okay, let's see here. "Also, choose one ability when you cast the spell," oops. "While poisoned, the target has disadvantage on saving throws." Okay, that doesn't count. "The target must repeat the same." Okay, hold on.
LAURA: (laughs)
MATT: (laughs)
TALIESIN: A lot of text on that one.
MATT: This is the D&D experience.
ASHLEY: I don't know if it goes through.
MATT: If it doesn't say half damage on a success--
ASHLEY: It doesn't.
MATT: Then I think it's an all or nothing.
ASHLEY: "The target must succeed on a constitution saving throw--" (mumbles) Wait. "The target must succeed on a constitution saving throw."
MATT: Correct.
ASHLEY: "Or take 11d8 necrotic damage and have the poisoned condition. Also choose," okay. I'm reading the same thing over and over again. Okay.
SAM: (laughs)
ASHLEY: It is--
TRAVIS: Who can relate?
ASHLEY: It didn't work.
LAURA: Oh no!
MATT: You resist the spell, Malvolio, a good try.
ASHLEY: Damn.
LAURA: That was really cool, Fearne.
MATT: As you feel the intent of dark nature magic attempt to tear your physical body asunder from inside with a disease, you shrug it off. Now Fearne stands before you, looking up with a little bit of a confused smile.
ROBBIE: Ah!
ASHLEY: As a bonus action, can I just talk to him for a second?
MATT: What do you want to say?
ASHLEY: Hey, so.
ROBBIE: Hey.
ASHLEY: You look like you're kind of not into this. You look like someone else has put you in charge of this. Why don't you jump on our team as the fourth member and forget whoever is puppeting your strings. [cheering]
ASHLEY: We can protect you. We're protectors of the realm.
ROBBIE: That's a pretty good offer.
ASHLEY: Come on. Come on.
ROBBIE: What do you-- What do you think? Give me a break?
ASHLEY: Yeah, give him a break.
MATT: "I will eat your soul if you don't finish them."
ROBBIE: That's a no. [laughter]
ASHLEY: All right. I was just throwing it out there.
MATT: Beauregard, you're up.
MARISHA: Oof, okay. A lot's happened in a round.
SAM: Yep.
MARISHA: I'm going to finish my original job and take out this other cam crystal.
MATT: You look--
LAURA: Wait, are we back?
MATT: -- to the right and there's none there since you are now in a ruined amphitheater where you were shifted by Malvolio into a different theater.
MARISHA: Wait, am I here? Am I still here? Do we see anything?
SAM: Yeah.
MARISHA: Still here?
SAM: Still here.
MATT: You're still with everybody else. You're just in a different theater now.
LAURA: Beau didn't you notice when everything disappeared and we entered a different theater?
MARISHA: No, I noticed.
LAURA: Maybe you should hit him instead. He's the one with the giant dick next to him. [laughter]
MARISHA: Yeah, yeah.
TRAVIS: It's right there.
MARISHA: Okay. I'm still 100 feet away, aren't I?
MATT: You are.
MARISHA: Okay. I run 100 feet.
TRAVIS: Jesus.
MARISHA: Doing Step of the Wind.
MATT: Monks.
MARISHA: I once again bounce across the audience members' heads. Sorry, sorry, oops, sorry. Oh, thank you. Oh, thanks for the boost. Then I jump and then I'm going to run across the space whale and I'm going to do a flip off of the penis and I'm going to come down with a big slap with my stick. [cheering]
TALIESIN: Phal attack.
MATT: Go ahead and roll your attacks.
MARISHA: A-pop pop. Wow.
LIAM: (like Owen Wilson) Wow.
TALIESIN: (like Owen Wilson) Wow.
MARISHA: Pretty bad. 17 and 16?
MATT: Both of those miss.
LAURA: (groans)
SAM: It's that slippery dick.
MARISHA: It is that slippery--
LAURA: Wait, I thought all attacks against him were at advantage.
MARISHA: At advantage?
MATT: Because of the bad thing?
LAURA: Yeah.
MATT: That was for the next round or the next--
LAURA: I thought it was the next round so all of our hits.
MATT: You know, I'll allow it, sure. So that first attack misses that would've been advantage on the first attack.
MARISHA: Okay. Second attack. Much better. The second one is going to be 23 to hit.
MATT: That does hit.
ASHLEY: Yeah.
MARISHA: Okay.
MATT: So you got one through.
MARISHA: Got one through. Ew. Nine damage.
MATT: All right.
MARISHA: Stunning Strike.
MATT: Make a constitution saving throw for me, Malvolio.
TRAVIS: Fail it.
LAURA: Fail it. ALL: Fail it, fail it!
ROBBIE: Oh, no, no, no, no! 18?
MARISHA: You just make it.
LAURA, TALIESIN, and TRAVIS: (groan)
ASHLEY: Damn.
MARISHA: Okay, that's it.
MATT: That finishes your turn.
MARISHA: Face to face with Malvolio.
MATT: Beauregard, as your turn finishes, Malvolio, that angry voice that was so furious and terrifying and suddenly slips in your ear. "But it's not too late. You have my gifts and they're closer to death than you think. You have my compatriot. You have my sight. Do what must be done."
ROBBIE: Merty? Bring down the music, bring down the lights. The stage changes once again. This time it's just us. It's 10 years in the past and it's someone's living room.
SAM: Oh.
LAURA: What the shit? [laughter]
ROBBIE: There are Doritos on the table, there's iced tea, maybe a drink or two. And some friends gather around a table for the first time ever. They're playing a game where maybe you find a path to somewhere fun and beautiful and they all know each other from different places in life and maybe, just maybe, there's a spark of friendship there. You got this jock guy. [laughter]
ROBBIE: Who's also a theater nerd and he's not so sure, but the girl that he loves loves it, so he's in, too. And you got old time friends who've known each other forever. You got people who only worked together and maybe they've only found each other a few other times. The history's there and Malvolio doesn't know all the details. He's only been around for a little bit. But the vibe that he gets is that these heroes are meant for something just a little bit greater. And you all start to fade away and you polymorph into little flies, a fly on the wall, and it's you. And you've been there since the beginning. You get to see it unfold. They play and they play and they laugh and they snack and they drink and they joke. It's some part after a few days or weeks or years, who knows? I don't know the story, but they decide maybe someone else wants to see this. And it's a spark. It's a little spark and it grows and it grows. That fire grows and it lights the room and the room becomes bigger and the room changes. The room changes into a little studio with a little shitty camera. [laughter]
ROBBIE: Someone goes, "Oh man, is anybody going to watch this?" They kick up the lights and no one's done it ever before. Who the fuck watches D&D on TV? [laughter] [cheering]
ROBBIE: And there it goes. And there it grows. And here we are in a big room tonight. The only ones live, in-person that will ever see this moment. And you're loving it. You're loving it and we're loving it with you. [cheering]
ROBBIE: The coolest part is, the coolest part is, yeah, you're dialed in, you're with us, but you're in the backs of your own minds, too. You think about your living room and your snacks and your drinks and your friends and god, we'd love to see it, too. The scene changes and the sparkle changes and the egos go away. And it's just a game. And for one last round, we are going to try to fuck each other up! Let's go, baby!
ASHLEY: (cheers) [cheering] [cheering] ALL: Robbie, Robbie, Robbie, Robbie, Robbie, Robbie, Robbie, Robbie, Robbie!
AUDIENCE: Robbie, Robbie, Robbie.
MATT: (chuckles)
ROBBIE: I cast Imposter Syndrome. (laughter) [laughter]
ASHLEY: You don't need to! (laughter)
ROBBIE: Just kidding! I'm going to cast The Deadly Game and I'm going to choose someone that I haven't been nice to. I'm going to pick Fearne and I'm going to pick Veth. Right now you both have to make--
MATT: Well, you choose which of these you want to use.
ROBBIE: Ooh. Spikes come up from the floor. Dorito-shaped spikes.
LAURA: Oh shit! (laughter) [laughter]
ASHLEY: Yes!
ROBBIE: I'd like you both to make an acrobatics--
MATT: You choose, athletics or acrobatics?
ROBBIE: Acrobatics.
ASHLEY: Here's the thing. Cool Ranch or Nacho Cheese?
ROBBIE: Yeah.
ASHLEY: Cool Ranch or Nacho Cheese?
ROBBIE: Oh, Cool Ranch.
TRAVIS: Cool Ranch, baby.
ASHLEY: Okay.
TRAVIS: Cool Ranch.
ASHLEY: Okay.
TRAVIS: Cool Ranch.
ROBBIE: So Merty, is it a skill check or a saving throw?
MATT: No, this is a skill check and this point in time, both of them been shunted into part of the terrifying mountain of competition and they are now competing against each other. So both of you roll against each other.
SAM: Against each other?
MATT: Correct.
ASHLEY: Wait, we're rolling acrobatics?
MATT: Yes.
LAURA: Against each other?
ASHLEY: Fuck. Okay.
SAM: Are we trying to jump or push or what?
MATT: You're trying to avoid the terrifying blades that are spinning around the mountainous Dorito spikes.
ASHLEY: Which one am I going to do? Which one am I going to do? What am I going to do?
TRAVIS: You got it. You got it.
ASHLEY: Should I do this one?
LAURA: Acrobatics?
ASHLEY: I'm going to do this one.
SAM: I think it's athletics. Did you say athletics?
LAURA: Athletics or acrobatics?
ASHLEY: Both terrible.
MATT: Acrobatics or athletics?
ROBBIE: Acrobatics. Acrobatics.
MATT: All right.
TRAVIS: Come on.
SAM: 14.
ASHLEY: Ah.
TRAVIS: Nice.
ASHLEY: 11.
MATT: Fearne, you take 28 points of slashing damage as you cannot keep up.
LAURA: No.
MATT: And the first leg of the contest is complete. I need you both to roll again.
LAURA: (gasps) No!
SAM: Say athletics again?
MATT: Acrobatics.
ASHLEY: I am at 11 hit points.
SAM: Which one?
MATT: Acrobatics.
MARISHA: You have 11 hit points?
ASHLEY: Yeah. Okay.
SAM: 29.
ASHLEY: Okay, I'm going to roll it in here. I'm going to roll it in here. God. 10.
TALIESIN: Fourth.
MATT: Fearne, you take 16 points of slashing.
ASHLEY: I'm out.
ROBBIE: Yes.
ASHLEY: I'm out.
ROBBIE: Yes!
MATT: There is a third round here.
LAURA: (gasps)
MATT: Roll acrobatics.
SAM: Acrobatics, I get advantage on. 15.
MATT: You land swimmingly, avoided all of the dangerous traps and blades and spikes as you continue with the friends, you all turn back. And where Fearne had fallen and the blades continued to grind her in.
ASHLEY: I'm just eating the Cool Ranch.
MATT: You take two death saves.
ASHLEY: Ooh, I take two death saves?
ROBBIE: Shit!
SAM: Two death fails.
MATT: Correct.
LAURA: Uh, uh.
ASHLEY: So I have two failures?
MATT: Yes.
LAURA: Uh.
ROBBIE: Which one of you would consider themselves the healer?
LAURA: Oh.
SAM: That's a trick question.
LAURA: That's definitely--
ROBBIE: It is a trick question.
LAURA: Um.
TALIESIN: Not fair.
LAURA: Yeah, I would do that.
ROBBIE: Oh, thanks for being so honest. Bardic Demoralization, negative d12 on your next turn.
LAURA: (gasps)
ROBBIE: That's it for me, friends.
MATT: "Boss, do you want me to do anything to help?"
ROBBIE: Yeah, why not. Get 'em, Merty.
MATT: "(laughs) You're the healer, you said, right? Let's dance." Merty charges towards Jester.
ASHLEY: Oh no.
MATT: That's going to be a 19 to hit. What's your armor class?
LAURA: Oh, 19.
MATT: It just hits you.
LAURA: Oh no.
MATT: Okay, Jester.
LAURA: Ooh, ha ha ha ha.
MATT: Okay. Plus.
ROBBIE: Oh nice.
MATT: It's 22 points of damage, Jester.
LAURA: Ugh. Fuck you. What kind of damage?
MATT: This would be slashing damage.
LAURA: Okay. Okay, wait, screw you. I have Hellish Rebuke! [cheering]
ASHLEY: Yes.
LAURA: (laughs) So you're going to take 3d10 cold damage.
MATT: All right, constitution save for me is going to be a 17. What's the DC on yours?
LAURA: I don't know.
MATT: (laughs)
LAURA: 18! (laughs).
MATT: All right, so yeah, Merty's going to take it. Go ahead and roll the damage.
LAURA: (mumbles)
MATT: And Jester, your turn is after this.
LAURA: Yeah, yeah, yeah. [laughter]
LAURA: 14. Whoa, that was so good. 24 points of cold damage. [cheering]
MATT: Merty takes a heavy hit and gets blasted back into your shoulder. You see all these icicles stuck to the body. "Hey boss, I'm feeling a little chilly."
ROBBIE: Oh, Merty, let me hold you. [laughter]
MATT: "It's getting dark out there, boss."
ROBBIE: No, no, Merty, stay with the light, please. You're the only friend I ever had.
AUDIENCE: Aww.
ROBBIE: You will not kiss me right now. [laughter]
MATT: "No, I'm just blown away by the fact that you haven't had any friends. That's kind of--"
ROBBIE: Oh, shut the fuck up.
MATT: "Okay." [laughter]
MATT: That finishes our turn. Jester, you're up.
MARISHA: Dungeon Master, real quick.
MATT: Yeah.
MARISHA: Would that be considered an attack against another person other than Beauregard?
MATT: From Merty, yes.
MARISHA: And not from, not from MC?
MATT: Technically, no.
LAURA: All right, all right.
MARISHA: Fuck it, I'll do it anyway. Sentinel Attack against Merty.
MATT: Go for it, roll the attack.
MARISHA: He's right next to me.
MATT: Let's go. Let's go!
MARISHA: Okay, I think that's going to hit with a 25.
MATT: That hits, roll damage.
MARISHA: That's going to be 11 points of damage.
MATT: Yeah, Merty takes a heavy crack to the jaw. (grunts) Oh, if we're going to do something, we got to do it soon. Starting to get a little, a little spent here, boss. Looks up, his eyes go black for a second. (whispering) I know, I know, it's disappointing, right? You got this. [laughter]
MATT: Jester, your turn.
LAURA: Oh yeah. I see Fearne getting tangled up in these things and I'm going to run towards her.
MATT: Okay.
LAURA: Right as I turn back to you and I say: Fuck off! And I slap him across the face with my spiritual dick. (laughter)
MATT: Go ahead and roll an attack. It is not at advantage since you've regained some of your composure.
LAURA: Has he, though? But it was the full round and we haven't gotten back to.
MATT: 'Til his next turn.
LAURA: Fuck.
MATT: (chuckles)
TRAVIS: It's you that controls the space whale.
LAURA: Yeah. 22.
ROBBIE: Do they have Bardic Demoralization?
SAM: Minus a d12.
MATT: They do, you have to--
ROBBIE: Yes, I'm so sorry.
MATT: -- deduct a d12.
ROBBIE: Roll a d12, please.
LIAM: Roll a one, roll a one.
LAURA: Oh no, no, no, no. Roll a one.
MARISHA: Roll a one.
LAURA: Oh. Why? [laughter]
ROBBIE: Because I learned how to play D&D four years ago.
LAURA: 18. (laughter)
LAURA: No, 16.
ROBBIE: It does not hit.
MATT: (whooshing) [laughter]
SAM: See, when a dick is too big, it's just useless.
LAURA: It's useless. [laughter]
SAM: Trust me, you need it to be a little small. (laughter) [laughter]
TALIESIN: Cinderella, Cinderella.
LAURA: Why do you keep referring to yourself, Veth?
SAM: I'm just saying.
LAURA: Do you have a dick?
SAM: In a sense. [laughter]
LAURA: Oh yeah.
TALIESIN: What sense is that?
MATT: Jester.
LAURA: What?!
MATT: Please make an acrobatics check to get to Fearne.
LAURA: Fine!
MATT: Without getting hurt.
ASHLEY: Oh no.
LAURA: Na na na na na. ♪ Acrobatics ♪ That is 12.
MATT: You start leaping up the side of this mountain covered in terrifying pieces of dangerous terrain.
LAURA: I don't have to get super close, I just have to get within 30 feet.
MATT: Right, which you do, but along the way--
LAURA: (laughs)
MATT: -- you do sustain--
ASHLEY: Oh no.
MATT: -- 11 points of slashing damage.
LAURA: (growls) Shit balls. All right, fine. But I'm still going to cast Mass Cure Wounds!
MARISHA: Oh.
SAM: Woo!
LAURA: Am I within 30 feet of who all am I close to? If I can get within 30 feet of Fearne, can I be within 30 feet of anybody else?
MATT: Here's what I'll say. Beau, roll a d20.
MARISHA: Why me?
TALIESIN: It's funnier that way.
MARISHA: This feels like a lot of pressure. What if I fuck this up?
TALIESIN: It's your fault, then.
MARISHA: Shut up!
TALIESIN: (laughs) [laughter]
TALIESIN: Oh my god. (laughs)
LAURA: What'd you roll?
MARISHA: I knew this would happen. It's a two, it's a two.
MATT: Nobody on this side is close enough to heal.
LAURA: Okay.
AUDIENCE: Aw.
TRAVIS: This side, however.
MATT: Grog, could you roll a d20 for me?
TRAVIS: Yeah, no problem, watch this. Eight? [laughter]
MATT: Fearne is the only person within range.
MARISHA: Ugh.
ASHLEY: Okay.
LAURA: That's okay. I will totally use this huge spell just for you, then. [laughter]
ASHLEY: Can you just use a smaller, a Cure Wounds situation?
LAURA: No, because I have to tou-- Oh wait, Mass Cure Wounds is within 60 feet! (laughs) [laughter]
MATT: I'll allow it.
LAURA: Yeah.
ASHLEY: Yay.
MATT: (laughs)
LAURA: Okay, in that case.
MATT: The benefits of reading your spell.
LAURA: I'm sorry.
MATT: No, it's all good.
LAURA: Okay, okay. Oh wait, well, wait, hold on, because I might have-- Listen.
MATT: (laughs) We've hit the negotiation phase.
LAURA: Listen, it's a 30-foot radius sphere, so I think that still counts. It's 30 feet on either side of me.
MATT: If you're the center of the sphere.
LAURA: If I'm the center of the sphere, but if I am, yeah. Wait, but--
TRAVIS: That's just 30 feet.
MATT: Do you want to heal Fearne and yourself?
LAURA: Yeah, fine, fuck it.
MATT: Okay.
TRAVIS and MATT: (laugh)
LAURA: All right, cool. Yeah, I will do that. Fearne, I want to kill you. Heal you, not kill you.
TALIESIN: Wow! [laughter]
ASHLEY: Whoa, whoa, whoa.
LAURA: I'm casting this at the 5th-level, though.
ASHLEY: Okay.
MATT: For how much?
LAURA: It says 3d8.
ASHLEY: Great.
LAURA: Come on, Traveler, you motherfu--
MATT: (Traveler) "Don't worry."
LAURA: Woo!
MATT: "I'm always watching."
LAURA: Oh. 19 plus five!
ASHLEY: Great.
MATT: 24 to both of you.
ASHLEY: 24.
MATT: All right, that finishes Jester's go. As you come to consciousness and Jester pulls you free from some of the nearby mechanical twisting blades. You're conscious once more, Fearne.
ASHLEY: Ugh.
TRAVIS: Grog, you're up. Kingsley, you're on deck.
ASHLEY: Thank you. Thank you, Jester.
LAURA: You're welcome.
TRAVIS: My turn?
MATT: Actually, do you want to do anything at the end of their turn or are you good?
ROBBIE: I can't with the attack, no, I'm good.
MATT: You're good?
ROBBIE: Yeah, I got to save it.
MATT: Okay, Grog, you're up.
TRAVIS: With my bonus action I smash my Titanstone Knuckles together.
MARISHA: Let's go. [cheering]
TRAVIS: That's right, bitch, I'm tired of fucking around. Reckless, Great Weapon Master. Natural 20! (cheering) [cheering]
ASHLEY: Yes!
TALIESIN: Brutal Critical!
MARISHA: Come on.
TALIESIN: Holy crap.
TRAVIS: 11.
TALIESIN: So rough.
AUDIENCE: Grog, Grog, Grog. ALL: Grog, Grog, Grog, Grog.
TRAVIS: Plus a d6, four.
ASHLEY: Damn.
TRAVIS: That's 29 points of damage.
ASHLEY: Oh, yes. [cheering]
ROBBIE: (grunts)
TRAVIS: 15 for 27. 27 points of-- Oh, minus five. 20, 22, to hit.
ROBBIE: How could you?
MATT: Oh, that hits.
TRAVIS: Okay, 22 to hit. Five, four, 10, 15. 1d6 necrotic. 16 points of slashing damage. Not as much. Last one.
MARISHA: Come on, Groggy.
TRAVIS: No crit, sorry. 15, 25 minus five is 20 to hit?
MATT: 20 just hits.
TRAVIS: Just hits.
ASHLEY: Yes.
MATT: It would've been higher, but that camera that was shattered earlier reduced his AC.
MARISHA: Oh.
TRAVIS: Okay. 15, 25, 28 points of slashing damage.
ROBBIE: No, you'd never do such a thing to me. (whooshing) I pull the damaged Fearne right in front of me.
MARISHA: (gasps)
MATT: Ooh.
ROBBIE: Yeah, I'm in it to win it. My reaction Manifest Contestant. You're going to take all of that damage.
ASHLEY: I'm out again.
MATT: (laughs)
ASHLEY: I have 25-- It's 25 hit points? I'm out.
LAURA: Oh.
MATT: Grog, as you strike down true you feel the familiar shthunk of your axe sinking into flesh and bone.
TRAVIS: Oh, this has happened once before.
AUDIENCE: Aw!
MARISHA: Oh my god.
TRAVIS: Why does this keep happening to me?
ASHLEY: I have a vague memory of this.
MATT: Oh! (chuckles) [laughter]
LIAM: (laughs)
MATT: Oh no! As Fearne falls unconscious at the edge of your axe.
ASHLEY: Why, Grog?
MATT: All right, Grog, that's the end of your turn.
LAURA: Does he still take some damage? Does he still take some damage?
MATT: He still took some damage, yeah.
LAURA: Okay, okay, okay, okay.
ROBBIE: First two.
MATT: Kingsley, you're up.
TALIESIN: I, as this is all going down and since I definitely have seen this trick before, I have already made my rounds, so I can get right behind you, and I'm going to slash to try and remove that dumb bolo off your bloody neck. I'm cutting in from behind.
MATT: Okay, make an attack roll. It is a plus five to his AC to hit it because of how direct the called shot is.
TALIESIN: Okay. Going. Oh, that's nice. That is--
MATT: You have to hit a 25.
TALIESIN: -- 29. [cheering]
MATT: That hits. Go ahead and roll damage. And that's 2d6, 2d8, 2d10. [laughter]
TALIESIN: Yeah, I'm going to do that again. There we are. I love that I can do that, it's so amazing. Six, 10, 15. That's 15. That's 24 points of damage. [cheering]
MATT: With a rapid pointed flick of the wrist and a stab, the bolo snaps and the gem gets impacted by the blade--
LAURA: Mwahaha!
MATT: -- and it resists the impact, like it's a fixed point in space, but you push through and as it pulls, you see tethers of shadow yank and stretch until it poof, fires off like it was shot out of a slingshot. As it does, you hear a voice go (growl). Smoke fills the space around Malvolio and around your vision until suddenly silence fills the space.
SAM: (gasps)
MATT: As the smoke fades and pulls away. (whooshing)
LAURA: (gasps)
MATT: You see there lying on the ground. What?
ROBBIE: Please. Oh, please. I don't know what I was doing. I'm just from a small little town outside of Byroden. [laughter]
ROBBIE: It's a little place called Hebron. [laughter]
ROBBIE: Yeah, you might know it if you're from the mystical land of Illinois. [laughter]
ROBBIE: We got a great big water tower there that's painted like a goat ball. It's because we won the 803 high school goat ball championship and we just can't let it go. You locals know what I'm talking about, right? [cheering]
ROBBIE: You locals know what I'm talking about, right? [louder cheering]
ROBBIE: Oh, that feels good. I was just walking along one day with my sweet, old trusty dog who's gone now.
SAM: Oh.
ASHLEY: Oh no.
ROBBIE: I found a jewel in the middle of the road and I scooped it up and I said: Well, hey, that'd be real purdy if my ma or pa turned it into a bolo tie for me. And they fashioned it right up and draped it around my neck. The next thing I knew I was thirsty for blood and vengeance. [laughter]
ROBBIE: I fucking hated heroes. I heard about y'all, heard about Vox Machina, I heard about Mighty Nein, heard about Bells Hells. I was like: Fuck them guys. Am I right?
LAURA: (laughs)
ROBBIE: Anyway, I didn't want to do none of this, y'all. Do you think maybe, well, you just let a sweet old Byroden boy get off the hook this one time?
LAURA: Is he crossing his toes?
ASHLEY: No, he's squishing them.
ROBBIE: What do y'all think? I'll leave it up to you.
SAM: Well, I feel like, I feel like we should not leave it up to us, but we should leave it up to our friends.
ROBBIE: Oh yeah.
SAM: Maybe--
ROBBIE: I love the way you think, mister, and you know we say something from where I'm from. We say, "Smiley day to you."
AUDIENCE: Aw.
ROBBIE: Thanks so much. I think you're right.
SAM: Perhaps, though, as you had us do, you could demonstrate how much you want this by dancing. [laughter] [cheering]
LAURA: (laughs)
ASHLEY: It's like a solo dance-off
ROBBIE: Oh, you son of a bitch. (laughter) [laughter]
ROBBIE: Yeah. Yeah, I suppose I'll dance for my supper. (laughter) [cheering]
ROBBIE: What do you think?
SAM: Hit it! ♪ (mariachi music plays) ♪ (laughter)
TALIESIN: Oh god. ♪ (mariachi music continues) ♪
SAM: Is it playing?
LAURA: Is it playing? Can anybody hear it?
ROBBIE: No, I don't hear no music.
TRAVIS: We do.
LAURA: You don't hear anything?
LIAM: It's in our ears.
ROBBIE: Does anybody hear anything?
LIAM: It's in our ears.
MARISHA: This feels like a defense mechanism. ♪ (music changes) ♪
ROBBIE: Yeah.
LAURA: Oh.
MARISHA: There you go.
ROBBIE: That feels right.
ASHLEY: There you go.
ROBBIE: Hey, y'all, did you have a good time tonight? [cheering]
ROBBIE: Why don't you give it up one time for red team? [cheering]
ROBBIE: Why don't you give it up one time for blue team? [cheering]
ROBBIE: Why don't you give it up one time for motherfucking Critical Role! [cheering]
ROBBIE: Tricked y'all, I'm out of here.
MARISHA: Oh shit!
SAM: Get him, get him, get him!
TALIESIN: Come back here, you fucker!
LAURA: Hold Person! [cheering]
TALIESIN: How'd he bloody get away?
MATT: He's going to use his second Legendary Resistance--
LAURA: (gasps)
MATT: -- to resist the spell. You watch as the figure that became and was no longer Malvolio Contreras as you knew him, vanish into the dark ether of night.
MARISHA: What?
LAURA: What?
LIAM: Oh, I wonder if we will see him again some day.
ASHLEY: Probably not.
LAURA: What just happened?
LIAM: (laughs) [laughter]
LAURA: (laughs)
SAM: We can hear him, but I don't know if they can.
LAURA: They can't hear him?
MARISHA: Can they hear him?
LAURA: It was just in our ears?
SAM: I don't think they hear him.
MARISHA: Did you hear him?
LAURA: (laughs)
AUDIENCE: No!
MARISHA: Okay. Why did you hear him?
SAM: Yeah, they cut your mic. Turn on his mic!
LIAM: He is calling us fools. He's using a lot of swear words.
TALIESIN: He's laughing a lot. It's really--
ASHLEY: He says that we fell for it.
TALIESIN: Is he just backstage? (laughter)
SAM: Maybe come out on the stage and say it.
MARISHA: I feel like we can still get him.
AUDIENCE MEMBER: Get him!
MATT: You--
ROBBIE: I'm done, I made my dramatic exit, goddamn it! (laughter) [cheering]
ROBBIE: What I said was, they fell for it. (laughter) [laughter]
ROBBIE: The beautiful, beautiful fools. Let me hear it one last time. That sweet energy that fills me up.
LAURA: No!
ROBBIE: Let me hear the applause! [cheering]
ROBBIE: Live, laugh, and die another day.
MATT: As the magic fades from this pocket realm, collapsing upon itself, what enchantments kept you here begin to come unbound. One-by-one, you begin to draw back into the ether and are returned to where you were plucked on Exandria proper.
LAURA: Fearne!
MATT: To join your friends--
ASHLEY: Goodbye, my love.
MATT: -- with the strangest story to tell when the time allows it.
LAURA: Oh, I heal you so you wake up before we go.
ASHLEY: Oh.
LAURA: Okay. [laughter]
LIAM: Keep it tight. (whooshes)
MATT: But somewhere out there, a dark, pouty spirit still--
LAURA: (laughs)
MATT: -- holds a bit of malice in his heart.
LAURA: Runs barefoot.
MATT: And runs barefoot. (laughter) [laughter]
MATT: But that's another story and that will conclude our game for tonight.
MARISHA: Eyy.
TALIESIN: Eyy!
MARISHA: What the fuck.
LAURA: What happened? [cheering]
ASHLEY: Oh man. Fun.
MATT: Thank you all so much for coming with us on this very weird, wild ride. This deeply experimental--
LAURA: Where is Robbie? Get him out here.
MATT: -- strange. Get Robbie the fuck out here.
LIAM: Get that barefoot little devil back out here.
TRAVIS: Get Robbie back out here.
MATT: Get that Twitch TOS-breaking boy.
MARISHA: Eyy! [cheering]
ASHLEY: Oh man.
LAURA: Give him that hat. He needs that hat.
MATT: Come on, up. Get up here.
TRAVIS: Send us out, Matty.
TALIESIN: Your crown, sir. [cheering]
MATT: Everyone, thank you so much for joining us for this wonderful evening. We love you very much, and is it Thursday yet? Good night. [cheering]
MARISHA: Hang on, wait, let's--
MATT: Come on in.
TALIESIN: Let's do this proper.
MATT: Proper.
MARISHA: Come over here. [cheering]
SAM: Oh. Second round.
TALIESIN: Number two.
ASHLEY: A double a double.
LAURA: Oh, a double. [cheering]
TRAVIS: Chicago, we love you!
ASHLEY: Love you!
MARISHA: Thank you, Chicago! [cheering]
Cooldown[]
TRAVIS: Robbie, tell us where that came from.
SAM and ROBBIE: Which part?
TRAVIS: The part where you talked about the 10 years--
ASHLEY: So many parts.
TRAVIS: -- the home game, yeah.
LIAM: Zoom out to Game One.
ROBBIE: Do you want to know the truth?
TRAVIS: Yes.
TALIESIN: Never.
SAM: ChatGPT wrote it.
ROBBIE: Honestly, 10 seconds before it happened.
SAM: No way.
TRAVIS: Really?
ROBBIE: We were sitting there.
MATT: I had no idea it was coming.
LIAM: You had no idea that was coming?
ASHLEY: What did you think was going to happen when we were like--
MATT: He wrote a little note saying, "I'm going to change the scene. Is that cool?" And I'm like, "Of course, go for it." That's all I knew.
ROBBIE: We talked about maybe changing the scene at the top of each combat. I thought, if you kill me then I won't do it, and you didn't, so then it just popped in my head. I was thinking of different kinds of theaters and I had a bunch in my head. I was like, "Oh, we'll do Broadway or Proscenium or whatever, but I feel like the night's got to end, and I was like, "Well, what's the grandest theater of all?" It's wherever the story starts, so...
LIAM: You clever, inspired motherfucker.
MARISHA: That's crazy.
SAM: I was weeping.
TRAVIS: Yeah, I was, too. I was too.
TALIESIN: I was losing it.
TRAVIS: In front of 6000 people, you caught me so off guard. So off guard.
LAURA: He doesn't ever cry. You did it.
ROBBIE: It was meant to be off-- It caught me off guard.
SAM: It was also beautiful because you weren't there for it. But you described it so perfectly.
ROBBIE: I watched the videos. I wasn't there and I don't know the details, but I understand it.
SAM: But it feels like nonw that you were there.
ASHLEY: I know!
TRAVIS: Yeah.
TALIESIN: It really does.
MARISHA: You're a part of it now.
TRAVIS: And you looped in everybody else with their experience and how it feels.
LIAM: I got real teary.
MARISHA: Tossing it to the audience.
ASHLEY: Just off the cuff like that? That was just such a beautiful--
TALIESIN: You're a mad man.
LIAM: Few people have level 20 charisma in the real world.
ASHLEY: Yes, you actually have level 20 charisma.
TRAVIS: Yeah, you stood out amongst all of that stuff in that moment. It just broke the air and everything slowed down and the lighting didn't do you any negatives. It was perfect.
ASHLEY: It was so beautiful.
ROBBIE: But the truth is, you guys had them. You had them, and you can't do that with an audience that you don't have. You can't do it. They'll tune out. They won't listen. And if you see an audience that's locked in, you have a chance to do that, to do that fourth wall break, and it worked.
TRAVIS: (toasting) To Robbie.
ROBBIE: No!
ALL: To Robbie!
MATT: I put you guys through this. I will--
TALIESIN: I'm going in for that cheer.
ROBBIE: This is a terrible--
MATT: I will cheer to that.
ROBBIE: This is a horrible nightmare. Is that Malört?
MATT: Yeah.
ROBBIE: Put me in, coach.
TALIESIN: Give me a little right here. Holy fuck.
LAURA: I really want to try whatever that fire shit is that you guys did on stage.
TALIESIN: A little more. I don't want to be a pussy.
ASHLEY: To Robbie.
MATT and TALIESIN: To Robbie.
ROBBIE: Give me a snort of Malört. Only in Chi-Town.
ASHLEY: Should I open this?
TRAVIS: To Robbie and Matt. To one of the best co-DMed games in front of 6000 people that we've ever seen.
MARISHA: Absolutely insane.
LIAM: To Robbie, to one of us.
LAURA: Yes!
TRAVIS, MARISHA, and ASHLEY: One of us.
ROBBIE: I'm retiring.
LAURA: Seriously.
TRAVIS: I also would like to try the Malört now.
TALIESIN: Delightful.
ROBBIE: I like it.
ASHLEY: I actually don't hate it.
MARISHA: It's really not bad.
ROBBIE: Well, if you like apertivo or a floral anything--
MARISHA: It's very herbal-y.
TALIESIN: You should have gone for a full-- yep, you've got to take it now.
MARISHA and ROBBIE: Do it! Do it!
LAURA: Oh! It's kind of like--
TALIESIN: This is what Abslut tastes like before you put all the mint in it.
LAURA: --olive juice, but like--
ROBBIE: It's nice.
MARISHA: It's a little Jäger-y.
LAURA: I'm so sorry.
ROBBIE: It's herbal. I like it.
ASHLEY: It's not like my favorite thing I've ever had, but it's--
ROBBIE: I think it's nice.
LAURA: I liked it.
ASHLEY: He didn't like it. No.
MATT: That's about right.
LIAM: "Charlie bit me."
TRAVIS: It's like that bag of leaves when it gets left out for a couple days.
MARISHA: Opa!
KIRBY: There's glasses next to you.
MARISHA: Oh, here, I'll grab them.
TALIESIN: Someone once described it as licking the inside of a Halloween mask.
MATT: That is very much it, yeah.
TRAVIS: It's been around for a couple years.
MATT: Yeah, that powdered latex vibe.
TALIESIN: Not my term.
MATT: Anyway.
SAM: So wait, we don't know the name of the secret dark voice.
ROBBIE: No, we never got into it.
SAM: Just that there was one.
MATT: Nobody inquired via arcana or the nature of things to--
TRAVIS: But the eye in the bolo...
MATT: Yeah, the bolo.
TRAVIS: Could be a demigod because the gods have been dispatched, right?
LAURA: Yeah, it could be a--
MATT: It could definitely be an entity.
TRAVIS: Did it have any link to the yellow eye of Fjord's backstory in Mighty Nein?
MATT: No, not directly.
TRAVIS and LAURA: Okay, okay.
MATT: But it was an entity that was unsealed with the Malleus Solstice. Something that had been sealed for ages past--
SAM: Was it the incarnated soul of Bolo the dragon?
TALIESIN: I love it. I want more.
ROBBIE: There was one shred of truth in the backstory. There was some truth. There was a little bit of truth.
LAURA: Where you found it?
SAM: Was it the ugly feet part?
MATT: Pass the gin.
ROBBIE: My feet are fantastic.
MARISHA: Yeah, you actually do have really nice feet.
TALIESIN: We'll see what wikiFeet has to say about that.
LAURA: I feel like it was where you found the gem.
MATT: Yeah, we're going to have fun blurring that out for Twitch ToS.
LIAM: I feel like you really could be a hick from that part of the world and just made a deal with the devil or whatever.
MARISHA: Yeah, being a hick... was it spending $300,000 on--
TRAVIS: Where were you from?
LAURA: Byroden!
TRAVIS: I thought it was--
MARISHA: --theater school?
LAURA: Yeah, but it was outside Byroden.
LIAM: It was an Exandrian town name that we've heard before, right?
MATT: Byroden?
LIAM: Not Byroden.
TRAVIS: It was outside of Byroden.
LIAM: I know Byroden. The other place.
ASHLEY: Hebron or whatever?
LAURA: That's a place here.
MARISHA: That's a real place.
ROBBIE: So on the break--
LIAM: Oh, that's here.
ROBBIE: --I talked to the crew who are locals and I said, "What's a funny local place in Illinois that the locals will know? A locals-only joke."
LIAM: Gotcha.
ROBBIE: It sounded like a fantasy place. It's Hebron, and in the city of Hebron they've got a water tower that's painted like a basketball that's celebrating the 1952 high school basketball championship. So Matt helped me with the lore, and we changed it to goat ball, gave it an Exandrian date.
LAURA: Goat ball.
ROBBIE: They were still celebrating it.
ASHLEY: Was there anything that we did not figure-- What'd we miss? We figured out who you were, like really were.
ROBBIE: You tapped into 10% of Matt's lore sheet that he gave me.
ASHLEY: Really?
MATT: Yeah.
LAURA: We could have asked more questions about the entity talking.
MATT: Oh yeah. There could have been a lot of inquiring there. But that's how it rolls sometimes. If an opportunity down the road occurs where you have the opportunity to run into Malvolio again...
LIAM: His little sidekick, the secret mech that this thing is riding around in the whole time?
LAURA: I know you had something else going on. You weren't just a sidekick.
MATT: Look, I was a sidekick, and also a case worker. And also the one who's been assigned to keep watch.
TALIESIN: Can I pitch next season? Severance. Severance, next season.
TRAVIS: Way to go on the games.
SAM: The games were great.
LAURA: Yeah, that was so fun.
ASHLEY: The games, it was fun.
SAM: They all worked.
LAURA: I was so terrified of what it was going to be, and it was so much fun.
MATT: I'm so glad.
MARISHA: But then you were so anxious leading up to it and then we got going and you're like, "Put me in, coach."
LAURA: I know. I wanted to do every single one of them.
MARISHA: I know!
LAURA: It's because it's fucking Jester.
LIAM: Laura has been--
TRAVIS: I'm terrified of waking up tomorrow at 9:00 am.
LIAM: --antsy about this game and the real party games we were going to play. But we told her, the moment you become Jester, all that's going to fucking fly out the window.
LAURA: Well, I didn't know I was going to be Jester.
ASHLEY: She's gonna want to do all of it.
LAURA: I could have been Vex, which would have been--
TRAVIS: No, I think we knew overwhelmingly, you had the most categorical--
MARISHA: It was always going to be Jester.
LIAM: Who's the party girl?
LAURA: Okay, okay.
TALIESIN: I am shocked it was Kingsley. I was not-- I was prepared for Kingsley to get buried underground.
MARISHA: I thought it was going to be Ashton.
LAURA: I was glad that it was Kingsley.
TALIESIN: I do too! I had so much fun. I love my boy.
MATT: I know.
MARISHA: He's crazy.
MATT: It also makes sense, too.
MARISHA: Wait, wait, wait.
MATT: Kingsley hasn't had a lot of time to shine--
LIAM: Yeah, who we haven't seen in a while.
MARISHA: Can I borrow your hat real quick?
TALIESIN: I appreciate that I got to--
MARISHA: Put this on again, because I noticed this in the moment.
TALIESIN: Well, I was also trying not to hide my face, so I wasn't wearing it--
MARISHA: No, it looks good.
TRAVIS: Also, we have to tip our hats to Liam and Ashley for the most overwhelmingly--
LAURA: Seriously.
TRAVIS: --destructive balloon popping team that the world has ever seen.
LAURA: Oh, well--
TALIESIN: You guys did damage.
ASHLEY: Give it to me.
TRAVIS: You were on a tear.
ASHLEY: Yeah, we were on a tear.
MARISHA: Yeah, you crushed it.
LAURA: I was fully--
MATT: Also, your guys' team were keeping up pretty well once you had pulled their chair away.
MARISHA: Oh, you're talking about balloon popping. Oh.
TALIESIN: Sam, thank you.
SAM: I can only win by cheating.
LAURA: I don't know if anybody noticed, but I was using my nails on those balloons.
SAM: Is that true?
ROBBIE: What the fuck?
SAM: You were cheating?
LAURA: You weren't popping shit!
TRAVIS: Oh, shit. Kirby!
LAURA: You were taking too long! I started to shove my nails in there.
TRAVIS: Scrub the film!
SAM: I couldn't do it!
LAURA: I know! So I started yanking on it with my nails and it popped them.
TRAVIS: No, no, baby, say it isn't so. Integrity, if nothing else!
MATT: I can only respect that.
LAURA: Listen, Jester would have done the same thing.
ROBBIE: I didn't clock it.
MATT: Of course.
ROBBIE: We had talked about looking for cheating, too.
TRAVIS: What is real?
LIAM: You remember the PvP games where she was hidden in a shack while her clones ran around.
MATT: Good times. No, it all makes sense.
ROBBIE: Hey wait, can I give it up to all of you for being so shit at your own trivia? You guys! What the fuck?
LAURA: It was hard questions!
ROBBIE: No, no, no! I'm not even kidding. Even I knew the Ozmit Sea one, if I hadn't read it.
SAM: We got one question right.
LIAM: Excuse me.
LAURA: I didn't. All I could think of was--
MARISHA: I should have gotten the multiple choice.
LIAM: I knew the Ozmit Sea.
ROBBIE: The Ozmit Sea.
MARISHA: I should have done the multiple choice.
TRAVIS: We went five for five on our side.
ROBBIE: Oh my goodness.
LAURA: Yeah, they knew everything.
TRAVIS: I had Gelidon, we had the Matron, we had all that shit.
ROBBIE: Did anybody get one right?
TRAVIS: We had all five on our side. Oh, yeah.
LIAM: Yeah, Travis answered--
LAURA: You got Matron wrong.
ROBBIE: You were still at negtive two!
LIAM: Travis cheesed that question for comedic effect. He knows the fucking Fate--
TRAVIS: Yeah, the owl and everything. Yeah.
LAURA: You knew it all?
SAM: I didn't know any of it.
TRAVIS: It's in the art briefs for Rexxentrum! The owl's in there in the fucking crest!
SAM: I kept thinking of the Cerberus Assembly logo, which is like an eagle or something?
MATT: No.
LIAM: That's just a comb.
MATT: It's a series of towers with three diamonds.
LIAM: It's a hair pick.
SAM: Oh, it's not a bird?
MATT: Yeah, it's not a creature.
SAM: I don't know nothin', then.
MATT: That's okay.
SAM: I leave that to smarter people.
MARISHA: I knew the owl.
TRAVIS: It's a secret little Easter egg for the Mighty Nein that the Rexxentrum crest has an owl in it.
MATT: It's fun little bits of trivia. Some of them were hard, some of them were easy. But they were meant to be challenging, regardless.
MARISHA: It's also so hard when you're under pressure and you have all these people and you're like, all the things are going out the window.
MATT: Of course! You weren't supposed to succeed. But it was a possibility.
MARISHA: I still maintain, though, and I will hold this beef for forever...
TRAVIS: (fart noise)
MARISHA: Thank you for holding--
SAM: That you got spellbook.
MARISHA: I got spellbook.
SAM: You did not get spellbook.
MARISHA: A grimoire.
TRAVIS: I heard spellbook.
MARISHA: I said spellbook.
ASHLEY: I feel like I heard spellbook, too.
TRAVIS: I did, I heard her.
LAURA: Really? You said it?
MARISHA: We'll play the tape.
TRAVIS: I heard spellbook.
MARISHA: Hey, roll the tapes. (The instant replay shows she did not say "spellbook".) Maybe I'm wrong.
ASHLEY: I'll be honest. I feel like I heard spellbook from Team Red.
TRAVIS: I did, too. Just because I feel like somebody's going to replay it, I heard it as well. (The instant replay again shows no mention of "spellbook".)
ASHLEY: Because when it came over to us, I'm like, they already said spellbook.
TRAVIS: There was chaos.
MARISHA: Also, a grimoire... is a spellbook. (Okay, the instant replay does show "grimoire".)
MATT: Correct, but by the rules of the game, it has to be the right words for the actual prompt.
MARISHA: I'm just sayin', in "Hollywood Squares"--
MATT: You can't draw an elephant and be like, "Mammal!"
TRAVIS: Grog cast Pec Flex and distracted everyone.
TALIESIN: They do "Hollywood Squares"-- No, never mind.
MARISHA: Yeah, on "Hollywood Squares" they'll be like, "Judge, is this close enough?" if it's like a synonym.
MATT: This is not "Hollywood Squares". I get you.
TRAVIS: Can we also shout out Chicago and the amazing Wintrust folks for being fully fucking engaged and being there for every little part of it.
LIAM: Great house.
LAURA: God, they were so good.
TRAVIS: They were amazing.
ASHLEY: It was great.
MARISHA: The Wintrust crew has been amazing, too.
MATT: Yeah, everyone here has been great.
MARISHA: It's been a really great crew.
TRAVIS: The amount of cosplay that was in the audience, the people that were up in the upper decks, it was incredible.
LAURA: They were awesome!
TALIESIN: Even in the sides.
SAM: They have to be good, right?
TALIESIN: Wait, are we allowed to take that?
TRAVIS: No.
ROBBIE: Aw, Ben. Nice work, bud.
TALIESIN: I'd say if we weren't--
MARISHA: 500 bucks if you take that with you.
LAURA: He's so talented.
ROBBIE: Fearne would steal it.
MATT: Probably, yeah.
TALIESIN: Without a doubt.
ASHLEY: Yeah. I want the Bob Dylan one.
TRAVIS: I wish I could sing like him.
LAURA: I think I can see his dick in that picture.
ASHLEY: Plus Mavis Staples.
MATT: Watching all of you start going, "Oh, god, we're against each other?" And how fast you went, "How can we fuck each other over?" on the other team made me so happy.
SAM: That was great.
MARISHA: It feels like it could be a social experiment, man. You could be like, "Guys, guys, we're on the same team." Fuck them winning. I hate them.
TRAVIS: I love how the sides solidified. We had our own little microorganism between Fearne and Caleb and Grog.
LAURA: Yeah, I know.
MATT: I know!
LIAM: One of each.
SAM: I was very impressed with Taliesin's dancing.
TALIESIN: I couldn't hear a thing.
LAURA: I know, we couldn't hear the music!
TALIESIN: It was utter silence. I had no idea.
LAURA: Couldn't hear the music at all.
MARISHA: The second person going was tough because there was a whole bunch of commotion after the first person.
ASHLEY: Yes.
TALIESIN: Nothing was coming into my earbud.
LAURA: Couldn't hear anything.
SAM: I was impressed by Ashley's worm.
ASHLEY: Thank you.
LAURA: Yeah, that was great. I was impressed by Travis' worm.
TRAVIS: Yeah, I haven't done the worm in 15 years.
LAURA: You did it!
MARISHA: I didn't know you could do that.
TRAVIS: We'll know at 7 AM tomorrow if that was a mistake or not.
LAURA: You're fucked. You've made a mistake.
TRAVIS: If I wake up and my left femur is pointing towards the sky and I can't move, you'll hear from me.
LAURA: My first thought was, "Oh, no."
KIRBY: If you need Tiger Balm, I got some.
TRAVIS: Tiger Balm.
MARISHA: My first thought was also, "Oh, no." Because as soon as he did that, I was like, "I'm fucked. The only way I win is if I show my tits."
SAM: Shake that ass.
TALIESIN: I was watching it happen. I was like, "Salute, Captain."
MARISHA: I was like, "Fuck."
TALIESIN: Salute. It's the only way this ship's going.
MARISHA: What do I have? Weaponized femininity. Done.
ROBBIE: And sadly, still didn't win.
MARISHA: It was a tie, that first one.
SAM: That one was a tie.
ROBBIE: Eh...
LAURA: I feel like that was a sympathy cheer.
TALIESIN: I was with you.
MARISHA: Roll the tape! (instant replay is inconclusive) First it's spellbook, now it's that.
TRAVIS: I feel like I had home court advantage, and so I got to tip my hat to the people of Illinois and Chicago because they were some Grog fans.
LAURA and MATT: They were some Grog fans.
TRAVIS: Captured my heart. Captured my heart.
MATT: Grog landslided it, man.
LAURA: Every single moment: Grog! Grog! Grog! Grog!
TRAVIS: Hard core. Buy some property in Chicago.
SAM: Why does Grog always get these nat 20s in live shows?
LAURA: I know! You got so many!
TALIESIN: That was insane.
ASHLEY: It's so nuts.
SAM: It's incredible.
TRAVIS: It was the reckless attack that helped. It's advantage that helped.
MATT: Yeah, so being able to roll double d20s for every attack, and having two to three attacks a round.
SAM: Robbie had some really cool legendary actions that you guys made up for this.
MARISHA: You guys made all that up?
LAURA: And you rolled like shit.
SAM: They were so cool.
MATT: To go into how this came together, it was like, we had set the show, we were letting people vote on who you're going to play, and I was like, "What's the narrative that can tie characters that I won't know what they are until we show up-- until the moment we pretty much go on stage and play. So they're probably going to be plucked out of reality to a certain space. Me and Robbie had dinner and it was like, "Would you be interested in being the antagonist for this, and more or less the person leading the story?" So we started talking about what it would be, what the character could be like, and wanting to run this weird fantasy game show space to make it so that at least a lot of the game, you could 1) have a main antagonist that is still present, but not the focus of your ire or combat or aggression, and to try and mix things up for a live show in a way we haven't done before.
MARISHA: Yeah, we haven't done it before. Well, a lot of that spawned, too, from us being like, "We're in an arena. What do we do when we're in a basketball arena?"
TRAVIS: It's the first arena. Wembley was this long stretch, but an arena where it's a basketball arena... There were entire factions in the space. Stage left, stage right, behind the cameras. It was amazing.
MATT: We're making a spectacle.
MARISHA: A lot was driven by that.
LAURA: Did you choose your nail color based on your costume?
MATT: I did.
TRAVIS: It's a good color.
LIAM: I'd like to say, you have some beef here with like, Oh, they won this, or I won that. But where we all come together is the fact that everyone in this group can drink total swill and take it like a stone cold boss.
ROBBIE: Guys.
MATT: That game and the drawing game you guys just fucking killed.
SAM: The drawing game was great.
ROBBIE: But it was perfect because we were feeling that need to move things along and your skills in the last three games just crushed it and allowed us to push the story forward.
TRAVIS: I'm sorry. Can we give a little love to the beacon, geometrically appropriate and accurate drawing blindfolded?
LAURA: Okay.
MARISHA: It was good.
MATT: That was fucked.
TRAVIS: When the camera pushed in, I was like, "Okay."
ROBBIE: There's a part of me that thinks that if you'd be willing to pop some balloons with your nails, maybe you did a little peeking?
TRAVIS: Oh!
ROBBIE: Maybe you did a little peeky squeaky? Oh yeah! Don't look shocked! Don't look shocked.
MARISHA: This is heresy. Don't stand for this.
TRAVIS: Unbelievable.
ROBBIE: You're a very good actor.
MARISHA: No, no, no, no.
TALIESIN: It's not about that for her. It's about her annoyance at other people. There's nobody to be annoyed at in that position.
MARISHA: Also, as soon as you took your blindfold off, you were like, "That's a shit beacon." And I was like, "We got it in like five seconds."
TRAVIS: You did. You did.
MARISHA: So that is not true.
MATT: Objectively not true.
ROBBIE: They got vampire quick.
TRAVIS: You went dimensionality of the beacon, and then you made a--
LIAM: I didn't draw the best fucking Baron von Strahd on planet earth--
ASHLEY: I didn't try to draw candles, that just--
LIAM: I communicated what it needed to be in a brief amount of time.
LAURA: I was impressed with my spellbook, though.
ROBBIE: Vampire was quick.
TALIESIN: That was a good spellbook.
ROBBIE: All the drawings were pretty fucking good.
TRAVIS: Yeah, it was either cat or Batman, right away.
MARISHA: Instead of ears, it's just teefers.
LAURA: And your vampire, super good.
TALIESIN: That was a good vampire.
ROBBIE: It was good.
MARISHA: I feel like I've got to shout out Ashley Johnson because that might be some of the best--
LAURA: That's some of the best playing you've ever done.
MARISHA: Fearne's strategy playing.
TRAVIS: Ashley Johnson!
ASHLEY: What? Hey, thanks!
MARISHA: The Moonbeam was so fucking clutch.
TALIESIN: Moonbeam was clutch.
ROBBIE: No, but locking me in the jacket really cocked us.
MARISHA: That was--
ROBBIE: That was you? Okay.
MATT: He locked you in the jacket and she put the beam on you.
LIAM: It's amazing what she can do when she can see her dice.
ASHLEY: I know. Well, it was like I saw the shapeshifter, shapechanger thing, and I was like, "What's this?" He's clearly not in his-- I'm going to just try it and see what happens. Every once in a while, I get lucky.
TRAVIS: Are we all prepared to answer for all the decisions we've made at C2E2 this weekend? As everybody comes up and holds us accountable for each of the choices that we made?
ROBBIE: You guys are cooked.
SAM: It's going to be great.
MATT: That is going to be a thing, probably.
ASHLEY: I think so. I feel okay.
TRAVIS: I'm ready.
ROBBIE: I was at the hotel across the street--
TRAVIS: One more toast.
SAM: To Chicago.
ROBBIE: They're ready for you.
LAURA: I'm out of champagne.
MATT: All right, friends.
TRAVIS: To Chicago.
ALL: To Chicago!
ROBBIE: What a tottling town!
MATT: To Vox Machina--
TRAVIS: To co-DMs!
MATT: -- to Mighty Nein, to Bells Hells.
LAURA: To Robbie and Matt!
MATT: And to Robbie! Robbie motherfucking Daymond!
TALIESIN: Huzzah!
ROBBIE: I love you, Merty!
MARISHA: One of us!
ALL: One of us! One of us! One of us!