Critical Role Wiki

This wiki contains spoilers for the entirety of Critical Role and The Legend of Vox Machina. Proceed at your own risk!


Critical Role Wiki
Critical Role Wiki

List of Transcripts


ASHLY: Hello, you beautiful folks! And welcome to our very special one-shot collaboration tonight with our wonderful friends at 2K and their highly anticipated release, Tiny Tina's Wonderlands.

ALL: (cheer)

ASHLY: In the game, Tiny Tina, that's me. Did you guys know?

TRAVIS: Oh yeah.

ASHLY: Is your disorderly guide through an extraordinary tabletop realm where rules rarely apply. It's going to be the same thing with this game, baby. Players roll a multi-class hero to loot, shoot, slash, and cast their way through outlandish monsters and loot-filled dungeons on a quest to stop the tyrannical Dragon Lord.

ALL: (gasp)

ASHLY: All while exploring a vast over-world spanning majestic cities, dank mushroom forests, foreboding fortresses, and more. You can enjoy the game solo or start a party with up to three friends. You should maybe do that. It's really fun. In seamless online multi-player or local split screen. The game is available on the Epic Games Store, right now. It's right now. Head to for more info. Which leads us to our very special event this evening. Where I'll be running this wild group of ne'er-do-wells through a custom adventure set within this awesome world. And who are these ne'er-do-wells? Let's intro them. First off, we got the lovely Ashley Johnson.

ASHLEY: Oh, hey, no!

ASHLY: Oh, do you do your own--

ASHLEY: That's not my name. My name...

ASHLY: She's in character, I'm so sorry. She's gone method.

ASHLEY: I'm v. v. method for my one shots.

ASHLEY: My name is Ramsey Finnigan. I come from the Obsidian Forest.


TRAVIS: You have a location?

ASHLY: (laughs) Travis is like, "We're supposed to have backstory. "Right, right, right." (laughs)

ASHLEY: Ramsey, you know, is a bit of a gunslinger. She's got her cowboy hat, which you don't see here right now is that there's fringe, all on the rim of the hat.

TRAVIS: Invisa-fringe?

ASHLY: What kind of fringe?

ASHLEY: You know, like fun fringe. Like the kind where you move and it moves. I don't know what it's called.

ASHLY: Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm imagining the ones with the balls. That's not right, is it?

ASHLEY: Yeah, yes. Let's go with that.

ASHLY: Okay, great, great, great. You know, for mysteriousness. And that's Ramsey. (laughs) Well, you have a companion, don't you?

ASHLEY: Oh my god. Thank you.

ASHLY: A fine feathered friend.

ASHLEY: I have a beautiful, fine feathered friend named Davey, who sits on my shoulder and he flies around and does what I tell him to sometimes.

ASHLY: (laughs)

TRAVIS: Oh my god.

ROBBIE: I assume it's a bird?

LAURA: Yeah, what kind of bird is it?

ASHLY: It's a feathered man.

TRAVIS: It's a flamingo.

ASHLY: It's a small feathered man that sits on her shoulder. It's a tiny, small feathered man.

ASHLY: That is canon.

ASHLEY: About this big.

ASHLY: We're not going back. Travis, would you like to introduce yourself?

TRAVIS: Yes. My name is Dewey D. Duty. I am obsessed with numbers and math and I got into the armed services to help balance the books. But I found out there was an expansive R&D department. So I've developed a technology to help us and our efforts on the field. I also will do your taxes in between rounds, just in case you have not followed up with your 10-99s or W-2s.

ASHLEY: It's almost tax season.

ASHLY: Did you have that pocket protector already or did you purchase it for this event?

TRAVIS: I-I-I'd rather not say. I don't have a feathered friend, though.

ASHLEY: You don't have a small feathered man?

TRAVIS: No, but I got a pi tattoo. It's abnormally small.

ASHLEY: You have little more real estate here. You could've gotten a bigger one.

TRAVIS: I think I got one in a pack of 52. So I got spares.

ROBBIE: You could've done a barbed wire tattoo, just the numbers.

ALL: Ooh.

ROBBIE: Just the numbers all the way around.

TRAVIS: In Part 2.

LAURA: I'd like to think that was too painful for Dewey, though. So he had to stop.

TRAVIS: (pained whimpers)

ASHLY: Next to Dewey we have...

IFY: Yeah, this is Metta Hardly. Yeah. See, I used to be-- I went to a military school. Joined the military after. It was a Atlas Company School. Then I realized that they were no good. So I became a gun runner, but then my estranged sister got in contact with me. It was a very long email, but little too long to explain in this intro period right here. I had a lot of time when I did this backstory. I'ma try and sprinkle it in. But honestly, only about 10% is about to-- I spent more on writing the intro to my character that you will never see, but there's all-- Trust me, there's a whole thing. This character's deep, baby.

ASHLY: Every time you, and awkwardly, fit in your backstory, I'm going to give you something good. So please.

ALL: (gasp)

ASHLY: Please. At every opportunity. (laughs)

ROBBIE: You're so deep in the game, you didn't even say your actual name.

IFY: Yeah. Yeah. I was written by a guy named Ify Nwadiwe.

ROBBIE: There it is. I knew it was in there. Oh my god.

ASHLY: Next to the very, very deep lore of Metta, we have?

ROBBIE: My name's Robbie Daymond, I was not ready to role play in the intro. I'm playing Mateo Sandoval. You know, he comes from humble beginnings, but you know, he's had a colored past. Right now, he's just living in his mama's basement on Pandora, waiting for the right opportunity to come his way. Super smart, super handsome, handsome as heck.

ASHLY: Is he trying to compensate right now for living in his mother's basement?

ROBBIE: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Don't worry about it. We'll learn more about him later.

ASHLY: You didn't write a backstory, did you?

ROBBIE: It's a soul, it's massive.

ASHLY: (laughs) Huge.

IFY: Second one there when I saw the email, I was like, oh Robbie saw me write--

ROBBIE: I did write a lot!

ASHLY: Yeah, you did actually write a lot. You wrote a lot.

ROBBIE: I can't give away the goose in the first five minutes!

IFY: Watch how I subtly sprinkle my backstory.


LAURA: Mine was equally as long.

ASHLY: Yeah. Yeah. (laughs)

LAURA: Oh, hey there. I'm Laura Bailey and I'll be playing tonight Kill-Pro Z21V.2, also known as an assassin bot. Yeah.

TRAVIS: I'm going to die.

LAURA: Undertook some repairs a little while ago and things didn't go quite right. So my personality got a little messed up. But other than that, everything's just fine.

ASHLY: I love your tiny notebook.

LAURA: Thank you, it's for taking orders.

ASHLY: Oh, how lovely.

LAURA: Would you like anything?

ASHLY: Yes. I would love to start this game!

ALL: (scream)

LAURA: Would you like lemon with that, though?

ASHLY: Please.

LAURA: All right.

♪ Opening Music ♪

Part I[]

ASHLY: On the side. On the side. I feel so much power. You know what I mean? I feel like I have all Matt's secrets that I'm just soaking them in. Anyway. To the game. You all find yourselves-- I'm so sorry. You all find yourself in the embattled town of Flamerock Refuge.

TRAVIS: Oh shit.

LAURA: Oh god, notes.

ROBBIE: Ah, for heaven sakes.

ASHLY: Better write that shit down.

ASHLEY: Flamerock?

LAURA: Flamerock--

ASHLY: Flamerock Refuge.

LAURA: Oh gosh. Okay.

ASHLY: It's in a state of disrepair, if we're honest. Your voice is so infectious. I have to make sure that I don't do it all the time. It's weathered many hardships in its day. You can see it on the faces of the people, haggard, worn with despair. There is no life here, merely survival. Crafts people and merchants tend to their trades, not as work, but as toil. A small number of rooftop tethers extend skyward. Each mooring, a modest watch airship silhouetted against eternal twilight. Oh! Flamerock Refuge is a city poised on the edge of oblivion. This is where you find yourselves. There is something very terrible that has happened, which is the Queen has disappeared.

LAURA: Oh shit--

ASHLY: Gasp.

LAURA: The Queen of Flamerock?

ASHLY: The Queen of the whole land.


ASHLY: The Queen of the whole stinking land is gone, guys. Travis, why are you laughing already? I need you to pretend that I'm good at this for at least 20 minutes.

TRAVIS: That was the best ever!

ROBBIE: I'm engrossed in the lore. Let's go!

ASHLY: So you heard about the Queen's disappearance, and you're trying to make a little scratch on the side. So your band of Vault Hunters has headed to Moxxi's Grogg, as the town's scouting blimps circle overhead, always alert, in case of bad, bad guys. Would you like to take this opportunity to describe your characters even more so? What they're doing as they enter. Do you know each other? Are you all just discovering each other in this moment?

TRAVIS: Well, we're working together, right?

IFY: Yeah. Well, I know some of these military brats from the military. You know, before I was shipped off there after being there at the Atlas Boarding School.

ROBBIE: Yeah, man, let's--

IFY: Ripped from the hands of my parents--

ROBBIE: Let's get into it, baby.

ASHLY: You get a plus one on your next roll.

TRAVIS: Ah, plus one already!

ASHLEY: Did y'all fight together in the wars?

ROBBIE: Ah, no, I've been out of the service for a minute. Yeah.

ASHLEY: Taking-- Retiring a little bit, or on purpose?

ROBBIE: Ah, no, just looking for, you know, this. This is pretty cool.

LAURA: Oh, hello there! Welcome to Moxxi's Grogg.

IFY: Oh!

LAURA: Yeah. Can I get you a table or anything?

IFY: I'd like to just stay at the bar.

LAURA: Okay.

TRAVIS: What are you doing-- what are you doing taking orders?Aren't you two part of the team?

LAURA: (stuttering) N-n-no.

TRAVIS: Oh no. Oh no. I may have--

LAURA: No, I work here at Moxxi's Grogg.

ROBBIE: Hold on one second. I remember how to just... Bonk!

LAURA: Ah, shoot.

TRAVIS: Actually, contrary to popular belief that actually doesn't always fix t-t-the problem. It's usually--

LAURA: It fixed it this time. Yeah, I'm here to help.

TRAVIS: An anomaly.

LAURA: Not here to serve you guys. I'm here to help you guys. What are we doing?

ASHLY: Mateo notices that the small feathered man on Ramsey's shoulder is just staring at him.

ROBBIE: What do you want? We've been hanging out for a while now. I'm sick of your little bird man over here.

ASHLEY: Well, what?

ROBBIE: Yeah. He's always giving the stink eye. Look at him.

ASHLEY: Who, Davey?


ASHLEY: Well, maybe he doesn't like you.

ROBBIE: Maybe I don't like him.

ASHLEY: Do you like him?

ASHLY: (squawks)

ASHLY: That say it all.

ROBBIE: What does that mean?

IFY: You know—

ASHLEY: I mean--

ASHLY: Davey's not the only one giving a stink eye to this group of Vault Hunters, though.


LAURA: Who do we--

ASHLY: There's a man at a table nearby with a scowl on his face, looking at all of you in turn. As you walk by to the bar, he says, "I don't like the cut of your jib.”

IFY: I lurch my massive body like so, so over-expressive, I go from the back of him only to lurch around, back to his face. Were you trying to say something? Because, you know, you got to speak up to do that.


ASHLY: The spitting is cannon. The spitting is cannon. A little bit of spit dribbles into his drink. Insulted, he slams it down on the bar. "I said, did you just dribble a little dribble spit in my GD drink, sir?"

ASHLEY: I'm going to shimmy on the other side of the man at the bar. Just to give him some extra, extra tension.

ASHLY: He clocks it.

ROBBIE: I'm going to drop back to Kill-Bot over here. What's your name? Kill-Pro?

LAURA: Kill-Pro. Thank you very much. But I am a killbot, so you know.

ROBBIE: She's a little bit of a loose cannon, so I'm going to drop back by her and be by her side.

ASHLEY: Sir. Do you have a problem with this man spitting in your drink?

IFY: Yeah, I got to say first off, that was an accident. See, it's a condition I developed shortly after leaving military school, Atlas Military School. My mouth gets real moist when I think a fight is about to start.

LAURA: I feel like moist should be one of the off-limits words, if I'm being honest.

IFY: My mouth gets real wet when I think a fight's about to start.

ASHLY: Now you don't get a roll-- you don't get a plus one to your roll. Moist and wet in one sentence, I can't let it slide. I can't let it slide. He says, "Look, I didn't like the cut of your jib before, but I think any reasonable person would not like their drink being spit into. So I do think we got a problem.”

ASHLEY: I beg to differ.

ASHLY: "You like people spitting into your drink?"

ASHLEY: It depends on who it is, but yes. I sure-- I sure do.

ASHLY: So this guy's ready to fight. You can try to talk him down. You can try to do a check of some kind if you want, or you can just start throwing blows.

LAURA: Can I walk up?

ASHLY: You sure can.

LAURA: To him and say: I'm so sorry, sir, for that inconvenience. Can I get you another drink there?

ASHLY: "Who the hell are you?"

LAURA: Kill-Pro Z21V.2 at your service.

ASHLY: "And you're taking my drink order?"

LAURA: Oh, well sure, sir.

ASHLY: Roll a talk.... check.

LAURA: Oh god.

ASHLY: So just roll a d20.

TRAVIS: First roll.

ASHLY: First roll. What'd you get?

LAURA: 11.

ASHLY: He narrows his eyes. "I want a beer with no spit in it.”

LAURA: Certainly, sir. I'm going to grab his drink and I'm going to walk around to the other side of the bar.


LAURA: Get him a beer out and walk back out.

ASHLEY: A woman with a large hat and equally large, you know, things on the front of a woman's body. Eyes you in a strange way and says—

LAURA: These things?

ASHLY: These things here. These things here.

ASHLEY: Boobas.

ASHLY: Eyes you and goes, "What are you doing, darling?"

LAURA: Getting a beer for our patron there. He had a bit of dribble in his drink, so...

ASHLY: "Most of our drinks come with dribble, to be fair. "You're going to need to pay for that, though, darling."

ROBBIE: Oh, it's cool. It's cool. I got it. How much is it?

ASHLY: "10 gold.”

LAURA: (stutters)

ASHLEY: 10 gold!?

ROBBIE: Not like space credits or anything?

ASHLY: 10.

ROBBIE: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Hold up, I got that.

ASHLY: 10.

ASHLEY: 10 gold for a daggum beer!? Hot damn!

ROBBIE: We do not know the conversion rate in this universe. Here's 10 gold, I got you.

ASHLY: "All right, go ahead."

LAURA: All right. (mumbles)

TRAVIS: While they're getting that beverage, am I able to locate any weapons on this gentleman's person?

ASHLEY: Would you like to make a search roll?

TRAVIS: Uh, uh, yes. (stutters) 13.

ASHLY: You can't see everything, but you do see that he has fists that have callouses, very, very strong callouses where he's very clearly been in his fair share of bar fights.

TRAVIS: Understood. Keep your distance. Oh.

LAURA: I'm going to reach into my Kill-Pro apron that I have in the front and I'm going to pull out a straw for him and a couple napkins.

TRAVIS: You have an assassin bot apron?

ASHLY: He's going to try the beer.

ASHLEY: I bet it's not as good.

ASHLY: He's kind of warmed to you. You're the only one that he likes now. The rest of these guys, he doesn't know, but he is like, "Thank you kindly, miss." That's not what he sounds like. "Thank you kindly, miss."

IFY: Why don't you like the cut of our jib, huh? We just walked in here.

ASHLY: "I don't like people generally, as a general rule. I had a bad upbringing. I, too, was taken from my parents at an early age."

IFY: Oh hey, brother.

ASHLY: "I've not learned to trust."

ASHLEY: Oh, that's sad.

ASHLY: "It's very tragic. So once you said your backstory, I felt tr-tr-triggered."

IFY: Oh, look. I put my hand on his shoulder. Well, in that case, it seems like we're two birds of a feather. Me, drifting shortly--

ASHLY: (caws)

IFY: Oh yeah, I forgot. Three—

ASHLY: You see also a mangled weird feathered hand go into the circle.

ASHLEY: Get in there, Davey. Get in there. Put your hand in.

IFY: We're three birds of a feather, all making our way through life, trying to figure out what's happening.

TRAVIS: ♪ Makin' our way ♪

ASHLEY: Ma'am? Ma'am? Could I get-- Who wants a beer?


ASHLEY: Would you like a-- oh--

ASHLY: You see also, by the way, this woman is putting out drinks that are not beers. They look interesting. They're of different, intricate colors, of varying sized goblets and the like. She's putting them out. There is beer and there is mead, but there are also these drinks that she's putting out were you to want to indulge.

ASHLEY: Oh, I love having the cuisine and drinks of a certain place that I visit. So what do we have here?

ASHLY: Let's see what we have here! Let's have a bit of a roll for it, shall we?



ASHLY: She says, "Oh, that one's called a Kill-You-A, darling. Would you like that? It's 10 gold. We have a very consistent pricing scheme in this bar."

ASHLEY: What are the ingredients for this?

ASHLY: "Snake blood, rat blood.”

ASHLEY: Great, okay.

ASHLY: "And jet fuel."

ASHLEY: Great, I'll take it.


ASHLY: Great.

ASHLEY: Does anybody else want some?

IFY: No, I think I'm going to try something else.

ASHLY: She hands you the beverage, as it sloshes around, it sparks a little bit.


TRAVIS: Holy crap.

ASHLY: And you get that!

ASHLEY: Oh, I get a thing!

ASHLY: You get that!

TRAVIS: Whoa, whoa, whoa!

ASHLEY: Oh, yes!

TRAVIS: Kill-You-A, it is Kill-You-A.

ASHLEY: Oh yes!


TRAVIS: That's going to help you.

IFY: All right, well I'll grab a different colored beverage.

ASHLEY: Definitely going to help me.

IFY: I'm going to go with this one right here.

ASHLY: As you leave, the man that didn't like the cut of your jib, he is now sobbing into his drink. Like the spittle from your mouth, his tears are filling the beverage as he remembers his sad backstory.

TRAVIS: Having struck a chord.

ASHLY: "Please," you come up to the bar.

IFY: Yeah, yeah, well, when I see that, I definitely go ahead and then I give a nice little nudge to Dew and go: Sometimes you eat the bar. Sometimes the bar eats you.

TRAVIS: Oh, that's very good.

IFY: Yeah, I learned that in my senior year at the army boarding school I went to. See my parents, they went through a tragic death that I have yet to find out until I met my estranged sister a couple of years ago.

TRAVIS: Estranged sister? Okay.

ASHLY: The bartender with voluptuous bosom touches it, touched, and says, "Honey, that drink's just eight gold for you."

ALL: (gasp)

ASHLEY: Why? My parents died, so...

ASHLY: "You already paid me the gold. No refunds."

IFY: Thank you so much.

ASHLEY: Fair enough.

IFY: Here's your eight gold.

ASHLY: "Let me see... Is there a particular mood that you're-- What kind of thing do you like? What sort of stuff do you look for in a drink and a woman, also?” (chuckles awkwardly)

TRAVIS: (laughs)

IFY: You know what, just something thick and frothy.

TRAVIS: Thick? Yeah.

IFY: Thick and frothy. Lots of character to it.

ASHLY: "Thick and frothy, you say? How interesting. Maybe you'd like… this," and she hands you a beverage that is fizzy and gives you a little wink. Then it does a spin and then…

IFY: Ooh, Drub Soda.

TRAVIS: Yep, yep, yep.

IFY: All right, all right.

ASHLEY: Hey, Metta. My drink is missing a little something. Get on. Get it in there. Get it in there. Get it in there!

ASHLY: "You're a weird bunch," she remarks.

ROBBIE: You have anything-- I like to keep it frosty, like something, you know, virgin?

ASHLY: "You pointed to him quite deliberately."

ROBBIE: Yeah. That was a joke.

ASHLY: "No, I see it, though. I see it. I'm going to give you a drink for free, actually, sweetheart."

TRAVIS: Oh, do you have, (stammers), like a cider would be lovely.

ASHLY: "For you, sugar, I'm going to give you a little Hey Sugar." Ha-cha!


ASHLY: Hiya!


LAURA: Can bots drink drinks? I think I can, you know?

ASHLY: "You might be able to.”

ROBBIE: What is yours? What do you got?

LAURA: Yeah, I would love.

ASHLY: "Would you like a drink, darling?"

LAURA: Sure.

ROBBIE: Oh, that one.

ASHLY: "Let's see."

ROBBIE: Trade? Tradesies?

ASHLY: "I think that you might benefit from something a bit stronger." She slips you a goblet that's just very thick brown liquid. It almost looks like oil.

TRAVIS: Yeah. Yes.

LAURA: Like it.

ASHLY: "So where are y'all from? Haven't seen you 'round these parts before."

LAURA: From Flamerock Refuge, actually.

ASHLY: "So you are from here?"

LAURA: Yes, actually. Yep. We heard the-- I lost my fucking voice. Oh gosh, oh jeez. The Queen went missing. So, you know. We're trying figure out what happened to her.

ASHLY: As your neck goes, your neck sparks a little bit and people have to dodge slightly. "Yeah, you've heard of our misfortune. You're looking for the Queen?”

IFY: Yeah.

TRAVIS: We're on assignment. We've been stationed here temporarily. But yes, the Queen's mishap is of interest to us.

ASHLY: "Oh, you little button. (laughs) Well, if you want to try to find the Queen, our beautiful, beloved Queen, you might want to talk to that one over there." She nods to a surly looking woman sitting in the back of the bar, very Strider from Lord of the Rings, if you'll permit me the reference. Sort of just-- shit, like, you know. Swaying is the word. Swaying a little bit, a little drunk over a beer that has clearly been one of many in the night. "That's Eleanor, Queen's bodyguard. She blames herself for the Queen's disappearance."

ASHLEY: Well, clearly she failed.

LAURA: Yeah.

ASHLY: "You might not want to lead with that if you'd like some information.”

ASHLEY: I won't. I'll ease into it.

ASHLY: "Maybe you should let-- the robot strangely seems to have the best manners of all of you folks.”

TRAVIS: More congenial, yeah.

ASHLEY: Yeah, yeah, yeah.

TRAVIS: Do you know if Eleanor is entertaining any payment for this task? You know, you don't do anything for free if you're good at it.

ASHLY: "So I just told you that this woman is very heartbroken because she failed at her job and you want to squeeze her for money?"

TRAVIS: That is correct.

ASHLY: "Yeah, you do belong here. I mean, you can ask, but she spent most of it on booze tonight, if I'm honest with you."

TRAVIS: Perhaps we can see what information we can gather.

ASHLEY: Wait, what's the Queen's name here? Queen--

LAURA: Queen Queen.

ASHLEY: Queen Queen?

ASHLY: "She just goes by the illustrious Queen. But those closer to her know her by another name. Which I dare not utter here.”

IFY: All right, then. That's what I'ma do. I walk up to Eleanor and I sit right next to her.

TRAVIS: You're just going in? You're just going for it?

IFY: Yeah.

ASHLEY: Get in there.

IFY: Looks like you're having a hard day.

ASHLY: "Looks like you're sitting without being invited, sir.”

IFY: Oh, well, you know. I've just figured we can just talk.

ASHLY: "Talk about what?"

IFY: Well.

ASHLY: She hiccups.

IFY: Well, we could talk about the reason that you're drinking so much.

ASHLY: "Are you this nosy with every fucking person? I shouldn't have said that word. Are you this nosy with every stinking person you meet in a tavern?”

IFY: Well, you know, only someone as buffed up and beautiful as you, of course.

ASHLY: Give me a talk roll on that one.

TRAVIS: Yeah, here we go! Let's go, let's go! Roll charm!

IFY: Let's see.

TRAVIS: How are you on charm? Yeah, yeah.


IFY: 19 plus two, 21!

ASHLY: You are her type! It did not take much. You gave that little flirt and she went, “Well. I mean, what do you want to know?"

IFY: Well, I just want to know how I could cheer you up, you know? I don't like seeing you be all sad. What's going on?

ASHLY: She does the little fingers walking up. It worked a little bit too well and now she's thinking that you're propositioning her for sex. So she's pretty sloppy and she's leaning on you. "It's like we could, you know, go upstairs or go outside or, hell, we could just do it right here if you want.”

IFY: (coughs) Oh, man! (coughs) Well, well.

TRAVIS: Sandy, you might want to help. I think he's vulnerable.

ASHLY: She starts trying to feed you beer. Some of her beer.

ROBBIE: I don't know, man. I think it's going pretty good.


IFY: You know, let's-let's-let's, solve whatever problems you might be having before we, you know, solve the problems of our--

ROBBIE: Let's just do little pre-coital discourse.

ASHLY: Suddenly, there's another man there. (laughs)

LAURA: Sandy just sat--

IFY: (yelps)

ASHLY: --in the booth.

TRAVIS: We didn't talk about this being a package deal!

ASHLY: But now she's into it. Now she thinks she's going to get into some sort of ménage à trois situation. She thinks it's all part of the game, so she goes, "Look, if I'm honest, there is something bothering me." Now she's looking at you and trying to feed you beer.

IFY: I'm starting to get jealous so I'm like: All right, you just keep it over here. Keep it over here!

TRAVIS: Hi, hi, how are you? You too, Dewey.

ASHLY: "You guys love me, right?"

IFY: Of course, what? Yeah. Yeah.

ROBBIE: I won't judge you.

ASHLY: "You guys love me, right?" She starts getting kind of upset, now you've made two people in the tavern cry.

TRAVIS: Two for two.

ASHLY: "I failed my Queen! I was supposed to protect her. But she ventured into the forest alone to undo a terrible curse that has stolen the light from this world. She's the most beautiful, kind, and fair ruler to ever guide this land. Her mortal enemy, the Handsome Sorcerer, hates her for it.”

TRAVIS: The Handsome Sorcerer?

ASHLY: "He wants to burn this kingdom to the ground and he used his evil magic to curse the land. He's turning allies and citizens into enemies and spawning gruesome creatures to wipe out all of our citizens. My beautiful Queen, she went out to stop him, and I tried to help her, but she disappeared.” She collapses into your chest and starts sobbing.

LAURA: I give her a napkin from my.

ASHLY: "Thank you, sweetheart.” (blows nose) "Oh." (laughs)

ROBBIE: Are you pulsing her to sleep?

IFY: Yeah, yeah, yeah.

TRAVIS: You're giving her the head bounce?

IFY: Yeah, yeah, I'm rocking her to sleep.

ROBBIE: That's good.

TRAVIS: The old left-right-left?

ASHLY: Make a, I don't know. Fuck it.

Make a mastery check?

ROBBIE: 10,000 hours!

ASHLY: With a plus one.

IFY: 17.

LAURA: Whoa!


ASHLY: She goes right to sleep and snores loudly. The bartender is watching all of this, very intrigued, polishing silverware and putting it away. As you slowly lower her head into the booth and she falls asleep.

IFY: Well, we know what we have to do.

ROBBIE: We do? Everybody's drinks are blessed.

LAURA: We have to go after the Handsome Sorcerer.

IFY: Yes.

ASHLEY: Wait, what happened? I just was over there and then all of a sudden you put her to sleep.

IFY: Yeah, she was feeling real sad about losing the Queen, told us exactly where she went, and you know, I let her get a nap because sometimes you just got to sleep through the pain. Wake up and figure it out.

ROBBIE: So why are we doing this again? I just got to clarify, I mean.

IFY: She was supposed to return the Queen.

ROBBIE: We are?

ASHLY: "Because it's a good thing to do," the bartender yells.

ROBBIE: Right, she's beautiful and she's fair, but she's probably rich, too, right?

TRAVIS: That-that-that is inherent in the name Queen. I would assume, illustrious Queen, yeah, usually.

ASHLEY: I think if we do it, we bring her back, we'll probably make some money.

IFY: Yeah, yeah, yeah.

ROBBIE: I'm in.

ASHLEY: Yeah. Yeah.

ASHLY: So the bartender tips her hat to you. For anyone that didn't get it, she's Moxxi. She's Moxxi from the games that you like. She's Moxxi.


ASHLY: You have your mission. Would you like to proceed to the forest?

LAURA: Yeah.


TRAVIS: Yes, with haste.

ASHLY: With haste!

You go to the forest.

IFY: Before I leave, I do leave my number under her head so she can call me later.

ASHLY: Oh, you were kind of into it?

IFY: Well, yeah, (stammers)

TRAVIS: What's your number?

IFY: My number is six, seven, eighty-five, four, zero, four, four, five, seven, eighty. You know, because it's a space number.

TRAVIS: International.

ASHLY: (laughs) It's space numbers!

ASHLEY: It's a good number.

IFY: Yeah.

ASHLY: You know, space numbers, like everyone has.

IFY: Yeah, you know, she'll give me a call because after this mission I'm going to finish my overall mission which is to take out the headmasters of the Atlas Boarding School who took advantage of me, and used me as a killing machine, using my Berserker energy against me and then the pact, for which I wear this pink bandana for.

TRAVIS: Oh, there's a pact!

IFY: I was given, yeah, to my sister that I'll give up killing after this.

TRAVIS: Estranged sister.

IFY: Yeah, my estranged sister. Then hopefully Eleanor will be my wife and we'll have the picket fence thing going on.

LAURA: Would you like any help with that?

IFY: Yeah, sure, you know?

LAURA: All right.

ASHLY: That would be a plus two to your next roll for tying in the bandana. Did not know that was significant, loved it. And we continue on. You travel into the forest and an unease sets upon your adventuring party. Because this, which Eleanor neglected to tell you, is called the Forest of Being Eaten Alive by Trees.

LAURA: Oh no!

ASHLY: That is its full name.

TRAVIS: Grizzly.

ASHLY: And, predictably, it smells of bark and blood.


ASHLY: The sun is shining, but red through the leaves casting unseemly shadows on the grass. You hear leaves rustle in the wind until you stop and notice that there actually isn't any wind at all. What's that about?

LAURA: Bring up my sniper rifle.

TRAVIS: Your what?

ASHLEY: Sniper rifle.

ASHLY: You see a BREW-U location which all of you know is a place that if you were to die a grizzly death, potentially in this forest, you might potentially respawn here.



ASHLY: You can tell that something is wrong apart from the fact it's called the Forest of Being Eaten Alive by Trees, but even with that name, it's somehow more of a bummer than it would be usually. You see a tree that has just a guy's leg in one of its branches and it doesn't have a mouth so it's just jamming it into its trunk as if to eat it. You're just hearing the scraping of bone against bark, and viscera, just imagine viscera.

TRAVIS: That's not typical for the fauna of this region.

LAURA: So the trees are actually moving?

ASHLY: Oh, they're alive. And they mad. As you step in through the forest, they sense your presence. They're ready to defend their home. So. (sings) You are in your first encounter!

ROBBIE: Bust it out!

TRAVIS: It's a solar panel!

ASHLY: Kablam.

ALL: (ooh)

ASHLY: That's the forest.

ROBBIE: Quite.

ASHLY: It's scary. Here we got one big old tree.

LAURA: Oh my gosh.

ASHLY: One big old tree.

ROBBIE: We're going to fight some plants!

ASHLY: And two little stumpers.

TRAVIS: One tree, two stumps.

ASHLY: And, ♪ your beautiful figurines! ♪ (cheering)

ROBBIE: Look so cool!

TRAVIS: I like the neon orange.

LAURA: Yeah.

ASHLY: Ta-da! So now it's time to roll for initiative, baby!

TRAVIS: Got it, okay. Initiative modifier. 13. Got it.

ASHLY: Tell me what you got, babies.

IFY: All right, let's go. So that is—

TRAVIS: Ramsey, you want to go first?

LAURA: Yeah.

ASHLEY: What do I add, again? Oh shit.

ASHLY: You have an initiative modifier.

ASHLEY: That's right, I'm sorry.

ASHLY: On the right.

ASHLEY: Okay, that is a dirty 20.

ASHLY: That is a dirty 20! Of course it is.

ASHLEY: Very, very dirty.

TRAVIS: I have a 15.

ASHLY: Okay.

LAURA: All right, Dewey.

IFY: All right. Get ready, because I had a nat one plus three, four!


TRAVIS: Dang, Metta.

ASHLY: Well, you were very successful in the tavern, so.

LAURA: Did you roll--

ASHLY: Yeah, did you use your plus two for your backstory?

IFY: Oh, oh, hold on, then. Add two more to that.

ASHLY: Okay, great.


IFY: That helps.

ASHLY: Sandy?

ROBBIE: Very middling, it's a 12 for me.

TRAVIS: Uh-huh, uh-huh.

ASHLY: Okay, okay.

IFY: Okay, well, look at where I'm at.

ASHLY: Kill-Bot?

LAURA: I rolled a nine.

ASHLY: You rolled a nine.

LAURA: That's right.


ASHLY: Okay, so. Our sweet, beautiful Ramsey's going to go first and--

TRAVIS: I don't know about sweet, but--

ASHLY: Into battles they go.

LAURA: We're all in group two.

ASHLY: So the rest of y'all are in group two.

TRAVIS: Bad omen.

ASHLY: So Ramsey is first, and then the rest of y'all.


ASHLY: Ramsey, what would you like to do?

ASHLEY: We're going to stealth on through. Right? We don't want to be a snack for these trees.

TRAVIS: You want to stealth after I think they've been alerted in a violent way to our presence?

ASHLY: They do know that you're there. Also, because they're in the foliage of the trees, they are less visible to you at the moment. So you will be at disadvantage if you try to attack them.

ASHLEY: Okay. I'm going to try to just sneak on through because--

ASHLY: Okay. You want to give me a sneak check?

ASHLEY: I'm going to give a sneak check.

ASHLY: How'd she do?

ASHLEY: That would be an eight.

ASHLY: Ain't going to do it. So you're trying to sneak up, where is your beautiful bird folk? And (ominous sounds) This guy's alerted. So you still have stuff that you can do, but he knows you're there.

ASHLEY: Okay. What I'm going to do is: Hey, hey, Davey, Davey. Davey?

ASHLY: (squawks)

ASHLEY: I'ma need you—

ASHLY: (squawks)

ASHLEY: To go that tree.

ASHLY: (squawks)

ASHLEY: And peck at it just a little bit.

ASHLY: (squawks)

ASHLEY: Then you come back to me, okay? But do peck at him real hard.

ASHLY: (grunts)

ASHLEY: Tell them what's up.

TRAVIS: What fer.

LAURA: Yeah, what fer.

ASHLY: Okay, so you're sending Davey.

ASHLEY: I'm sending Davey.

ASHLY: I love it.

ASHLEY: Natural 20.

ALL: (cheer)

TRAVIS: Let's go!

ASHLY: Oh my stars! A natural 20? Okay.

ASHLEY: But wait. See, we didn't talk about--

ASHLY: You're going to get an extra crit off of that natty 20, baby.

ASHLEY: So he rolls two d8s and he gets a d12.

ASHLY: He sure do.

ASHLEY: Where's the daggum--? Here it is. Okay, here we go.

LAURA: Don't you get an extra--

TRAVIS: After that.

LAURA: An extra crit, too, because you rolled the 20.


ASHLY: That's that crit. That d12 is your crit.

LAURA: Oh, I thought because she rolled higher than a certain number that she would get another crit as well.

ASHLY: Oh, Laura's correct, actually. So you get an extra crit off of it.

TRAVIS: Roll another d12.

ASHLEY: Okay. So we got-- I rolled five plus 12, so that's 17. I'm going to roll another d12, which is a 10, so 27 total.

ROBBIE: Yeesh!

ASHLY: 27 total? My goodness!

ASHLEY: Damn, Davey, Damn!

LAURA: Damn, Davey.

ROBBIE: Yeah, yeah, yeah.

LAURA: Okay.

ASHLEY: Damn, Davey!

ROBBIE: You told him to peck hard.

ASHLY: You did how much, sorry?


ASHLY: 27. Good lordy, lordy, look who's 40. Not HP, I just said that because I don't know why. He growls and tries to slash at Davey, but he can't do it, and so Davey comes back to your shoulder, and nuzzles into your hair.

ASHLEY: Davey's a good boy.

ASHLY: Would you like to do anything else with your turn, my friend?

ASHLEY: I'll stay. Right where I am.

ASHLY: She's going to stay. So now it's the bad, bad tree boy's turn. And this little piggy ain't none too happy with you. So he is going to-- ka-dunk. Ka-dunk.

TRAVIS: They can move!

ASHLY: They can sure move. But he can't get all the way up to our dear beloved Ramsey. That said, he does release--

ASHLEY: Uh oh.

ASHLY: Zoom, zoom, zoom, zoom, zoom, zoom. Six glowing orbs from the orifices of his trunky body.

ASHLEY: Oh no!

IFY: No.

TRAVIS: Not the orbs.

ASHLY: Shoom! And off they go to you.

LAURA: His trunk has orifices.

ASHLY: And they are going to attack you.

ASHLEY: Whoa! He just pooed!

ASHLY: He just pooed. He just pooed beautiful, golden light. These orbs are all going to try to attack you.

ASHLEY: Let's go, let's go.

ASHLY: So let's see how they do.


ASHLY: There's six of them.

ASHLEY: Okay. I just die right now.

TRAVIS: I'm here for it.

ASHLY: Two. Eight.

ASHLEY: These are totals I'm putting together?


ASHLY: That was two, plus six, plus six.


ASHLY: Plus two, plus one, plus two.

ASHLEY: (silly voice) 16, 17, 18, 19. 19.

ASHLY: How much shield you got?

ASHLEY: I got 15 shield. My shield's down.

ASHLY: So your shield's down and you took four hit points of damage.

ASHLEY: Then four hit points of damage. Okay.

TRAVIS: Oh boy, we got some trouble, y'all.

ASHLY: That tree's a beefy boy. So that's what he's going to do. This little guy is going to pop out of his hiding place.

LAURA: Uh-oh.


ASHLY: A-kaduke, a-kaduke.

LAURA: Oh gosh!

TRAVIS: Use your words.

ASHLY: On lovely Kill-Bot.


ASHLY: No. I'm afraid so. And is going to--


ASHLY: --attack you with one of his stumpy little branches. We're going to see if he hits. He do hit. He do indeed hit for a grand total of 10.



ASHLY: But that's still your--

LAURA: That's a lot.

ASHLY: That's a lot, ain't it?

LAURA: Yeah.

ASHLY: But your shield's still up, yeah?

LAURA: Well, yeah, but still. What did I ever do to you, shrubby?

ASHLY: Yeah, they're really not a fan of people even just existing in the same space of them. It's pretty unreasonable, if I have to say. I'm on your side as the Bunker Master, you know what I mean? Then this guy comes out. A-doot. A-doot.


ASHLY: A-doot. Same big boy. He's going to do the same blue orb thing, but lucky for you guys, it's not going to all attack the same person this time. So he is going to attack first. Bep, bep, bep.

LAURA: Oh jeez.

ASHLY: Kill-Bot. Let's see if he hits, though.

LAURA: I can tell if he hit.

ASHLY: He does hit, but not that much. Does one damage to you.

LAURA: All right.

ASHLY: Then he's going to go after our man, Metta.

TRAVIS: Saw that drool.

ASHLY: And does hit for a grand total of seven.

IFY: Okay, you just scratching the surface.

ASHLY: Then after our fellow, Sandy.

ROBBIE: Oh, okay.

TRAVIS: Come on, Koufax.

ASHLY: For a grand total of seven.

ROBBIE: Okay. Oof.

ASHLY: Oh, he's actually got a few. He's going to save the next three and just keep those in the pocket, so there are three orbs still floating around him.

IFY: Oh damn.

ASHLY: Then this guy's going to pop out. Doot, doot, doot. He can't do shit, honestly, so he's going to watch you, going. He's very excited. That is their turn. Now is the turn of the rest of the team. What would you all like to do?

TRAVIS: We are grouped up too closely and I'm going to break cover! I'm going to take off running five squares down la map.

ASHLY: Ka-dunk, ka-dunk. Here?


ASHLY: Great.

TRAVIS: I am going to open fire with my combat rifle on this gentleman.

ASHLY: This fella right here?

TRAVIS: Yeah, that weed. (banjo noises) That's an eight plus 10. Yes, a hit! Three times.

ASHLY: Ooh, lovely.

TRAVIS: Three shots from the combat rifle.

ASHLY: Roll it.

TRAVIS: Amazing. Oh wow, that's good. Seven, five, twelve, and five. 17.

ASHLY: 17, very nice. Then what else? Do you want to do anything else?

TRAVIS: ♪ I don't. ♪ Over here!

ASHLY: (laughs) So you do that damage and you're going to stay over here?


ASHLY: Yeah? Okay, great.

IFY: All right.

ASHLY: Who's next?

IFY: That's when I pull out my Turtle Slapper Rocket Launcher, and I aim at the big fella right there, and I go: You done made a mistake.

ASHLY: This guy right here?

IFY: Yeah. As I aim down, I imagine myself much younger at the Atlas Military Boarding School as I pointed my rifle as I was getting hit with bamboo sticks--

TRAVIS: Oh wow.

IFY: Headmaster--

ASHLY: Oh no!

IFY: Gruber-- Gruber--

TRAVIS: MacGruber?

ASHLY: Headmaster Ma-- Everyone, picture that.

ASHLEY: Headmaster MacGruber?

TRAVIS: Adjunct professor.

IFY: Hits me with the bamboo sticks and says, "We only do this to make you better." I sneer as I get angry thinking about the abuse I endured before I was able to escape that hell. And I pull the trigger.

ASHLY: You get a plus one to your roll.

IFY: All right, that is going to balance out to be--

ASHLY: (laughs) That's so good.

IFY: Oh yeah, because my accuracy is plus one, but I get minus one from the mod, so I only get minus, so 13. That means I get to--

ASHLY: Roll a one guy.

IFY: Yeah, roll one guy.

ASHLY: A d12.

IFY: d12 plus five.

ASHLY: See how you do.

IFY: All right. Yeah, that's going to be a 13.

ASHLY: I love it. A 13.

IFY: Oh, and then the little guy who's next to him takes half of that for the splash damage.


ROBBIE: Yeah, yeah, yeah.

ASHLY: You know we love to see it.

ASHLEY: Splash zone.

ASHLY: Splash zone! Okay, great. Is that all you would like to do?

IFY: No, I think I'm going to up the Mayhem and do an extra attack.

ASHLEY: Yeah, he is.

ASHLY: Oh! That's a Mayhem ♪ point for your girl, Ashly. ♪ You got the Mayhem with that one. Okay, great.

IFY: That one is much less. That is going to be three, so I still roll one, so it's still decent.

ASHLY: Okay.

IFY: Because it's only one for both except if I get 16, then I get two.

ASHLY: Then it's a crit.

IFY: Yeah.


IFY: Ooh! That's 12 plus five! You know what that is.

ASHLY: Were you doing this to big boy? Or to little guy?

IFY: Big boy again, 17 to his face, but little guy takes half of that.

ASHLY: Oh my goodness.

IFY: Little something for everybody!

ASHLY: (laughs)

IFY: (shouts) MacGruber!

ASHLY: That was a hell of a turn, I must say. Okay, great, now all we have left is Sandy and Kill-Bot. Who'd like to go?

LAURA and ROBBIE: (stuttering)

LAURA: You go.

ROBBIE: I'll go, okay, I'll go. Do those little floaty sphere doo-doos in the sky--

ASHLY: He's got three.

ROBBIE: He's got three of them.

Do they look like they're ethereal, corporeal?

Does it look like I can shoot them?

ASHLY: I say yeah.


ASHLY: Yeah!

ROBBIE: All right. Then I'm going to use two spaces of movement, do a little quick dash and duck, I'm going to get behind our man, Metta, over here and I'm going to take a shot at one of the orbs with The Kernal.

ASHLY: Right here?


TRAVIS: The Kernal?

ROBBIE: On the other left side.

ASHLY: This guy?

ROBBIE: Yeah, yeah, that's the one. Yeah, yeah, it's a little pistol. So I take a shot at one of the orbs itself. And that is a natural 20.

ALL: (cheer)

ASHLY: Oh Mylanta!

TRAVIS: Get ready for the math.

ROBBIE: Oh yeah, so that's three d4s and--

LAURA: And one d12.

ROBBIE: 1d12.

TRAVIS: Plus another one.

ASHLY: Yeah, you get an extra--

ROBBIE: Plus another one.

LAURA: Well, that is the one you get, because you don't get any crits.

ROBBIE: Oh yeah!

LAURA: It's only one.

ASHLY: Oh, yes.

ROBBIE: Oh, yeah. One, one, two. Really making the best--

TRAVIS: Two plus your damage modifier, right?

ROBBIE: Yes, so one, one, two, four, six and then the twelve. Is a seven. 13.

ASHLY: You were aiming at just the one orb?

ROBBIE: Just the one orb, yeah.

ASHLY: Okay, I'm going to say with that, you explode one and the ricochet of its corporeal particles hits the other one and it goes.

ROBBIE: There's one left?

ASHLY: It spins out and there's one left.

ROBBIE: That's just perfect because I'm going to use my weapon's special ability and use an extra attack, but you don't get a ♪ Mayhem point for it! ♪ Sorry. Second shot! But before I do that, I'm going to do a little duck and roll and I'm going to get behind Kill-Bot, I'm using my teammates as cover. Ooh! That's a three. So I only get one little rollski.

ASHLY: Let's see how you do.

ROBBIE: That would be a ♪ one plus two is three. ♪

ASHLY: You hit it, but it fizzles and doesn't go out. So he's still got one in the chamber.

ROBBIE: I'll stay crouched down.

ASHLY and ROBBIE: Behind Kill-Bot.

ROBBIE: Behind Kill-Pro.

ASHLY: I love it.

LAURA: You know what, you can call me anything you want. I can be Kill-Bot, Kill-Pro Z21V.2, whatever you want to say.

ROBBIE: Sweet, sweet, and I'm ducking back and forth between these two sides of her hips, trying to move.

LAURA: While you do that, I'm going to move.

ASHLEY: But wait!

ROBBIE: You took my cover.

LAURA: I'm going to say: sorry, bud. And duck and roll the other direction.

ASHLY: Here?

LAURA: All the way over, yeah. To there, that looks good.

ASHLY: Okay.

LAURA: And am I three squares away from the big bud that Metta was-- well, the one that Metta was aiming at. I want try to take that thing out.

ASHLY: Unfortunately, he's a bit--

LAURA: Well, at least three spaces.

ASHLY: Oh, at least. Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.

LAURA: All right, cool. Then I'm going to shout over Metta's shoulder: The customer's have been complaining about you!

LAURA: That's fucking stupid. Ope! Sorry.

TRAVIS: Oh my god.

LAURA: Oh, that's great, that was a 26.

ASHLY: "The customers have been complaining," says the gun. (laughs)

ASHLY: "I will do my best, mother," it says.

LAURA: Good job, kiddo.

ASHLY: How'd you do?

LAURA: Well, 26 to hit.


LAURA: I will roll two d12s. So that's five plus-- let's see, five plus seven. Five plus seven, I think.

ASHLY: Okay.

LAURA: I think I got that right.

ASHLY: Uh-huh.

LAURA: Another five plus seven!



ASHLY: Your shot splits the tree in half and its two halves fall to the ground, lifeless.


ASHLY: He dead, baby!

TRAVIS and ASHLY: Got one!

ASHLY: Good turn, guys!

ASHLEY: Good turn.

ASHLY: Now we're back to Ramsey.

ASHLEY: Boy, oh boy, I got to get my head in the game.

ASHLEY: All right, I'm going to pull out my Head 'Sploder and I'm going to take aim. I'm going to back up a little bit to make sure that I'm three or more squares away--

LAURA: My damage rolls were super duper high, way higher than they were supposed to be.

ASHLY: (laughs) Let's say that you still killed it, but the splinters shot you a little bit and you take, (thinking noise) d6 of damage.

LAURA: Oh shit. I didn't regenerate my shield. I took a one.

ASHLY: Oh, good. Okay, you're going to back up?

ASHLEY: I'm going to back up.

ASHLY: Where'd you like to back up?

ASHLEY: Just a little bit so I'm three squares or more away from--

ASHLY: Okay, we'll put you here, how about?


ASHLY: Okay.

ASHLEY: I'm going to pull out my beautiful, gold-plated sniper rifle!

ASHLY: (laughs)

ASHLEY: Beautiful!

ASHLY: It's getting sexual.

ASHLEY: With a bayonet on the end that's nice and long.

ASHLY: (laughs)

ASHLEY: I'm going to take aim and I'm going to shoot this tree.

ASHLY: Davey looks at it with some jealousy,

which suggests that there's maybe a love triangle that's only in his mind.

TRAVIS: Fantastic.

ASHLEY: Well, maybe not just in his mind. I spend a lot of time alone. All right. So I'm going to roll. Which one do I want to do? Let's go with this one.

TRAVIS: Got a lot to choose from.

ASHLEY: Okay, okay.

TRAVIS: Let's go!

ASHLEY: Okay, okay, okay. So it's a-- Okay. So that means I get to roll a crit. I get to roll a 10. That is a 12. Where's my 10? There it is.


ASHLEY: Okay. So we got one of those and we got one of those, and we're going to put them together, and we're going to roll. Here we go.

ASHLY: I love it.

ASHLEY: Okay, so we got a 10, and we got a seven. We got 17.

ASHLY: Okay! On your big, beautiful, golden-shafted gun?

ASHLEY: Yes, and I give her a tender kiss. Just a tender, open mouth kiss.

TRAVIS: Little peck.

ASHLY: (squawks)

ASHLEY: Here we go.

ASHLY: Davey's unhappy.

ROBBIE: Ka-boosh.

TRAVIS: Oh, favorites. You playing favorites.

ASHLEY: Pew-pew!

ASHLY: I think that means that you get a couple crits. Don't you? You got a 17?

ASHLEY: I got a 17.

ASHLY: On your Head 'Sploder?

ASHLEY: Wait, I rolled a 12 and I rolled a 10, because I rolled over 16, so I rolled a--

ASHLY: Oh, that was for your damage?

ASHLEY: Yes, that was for my damage. 17. Sorry.

ASHLY: 17 damage?

TRAVIS: Did you roll d20 first?

ASHLEY: I rolled a-- I did roll a d20. Which one was it?

TRAVIS: This one, right? 18?


ASHLY: Okay. Yes.

ASHLEY: 18 plus stuff.

TRAVIS: Wait, so you're in the right category?

ASHLEY: Yes, yes, yes.

ASHLY: Okay. So 17 damage.

ASHLEY: 17 damage.

TRAVIS: Plus an extra d12.

ASHLY: To this big boy?

ASHLEY: But I did roll the d12.

LAURA: She already did the d12.

ASHLEY: Yeah, I already did the d12.

LAURA: You only get the extra one if you roll a crit.

ASHLEY: If you roll a crit.

TRAVIS: Got it. Got it.

ASHLY: Okay. Lovely.

ASHLEY: I know the rules very well to this game, please!

ASHLEY: You know me. I know how to play these games so well!

ASHLY: So you hit him. (groans) He lunges, but he's still up. So is there anything else you want to do?


ASHLY: What would you like to do?

ASHLEY: I'm going to chuck a grenade in his mouth.

ASHLY: You're going to chuck-- Do you have grenades?

ASHLY: I don't think you have grenades, Ramsey!

ASHLEY: Let me double check. Where's my-- Shit!

TRAVIS: Ship! Spaceship!

ASHLEY: Where did I put the--

TRAVIS: Spaceship!

ASHLEY: Ah, f-- Spaceship, I meant! Where'd I put the--

ASHLY: Davey looks confused, the tree looks confused. They're just watching you do this.

TRAVIS: We left them all with Metta!

ASHLEY: God dang! I left my whole bag of grenades at the freaking tavern!

ASHLY: Now, you could make another attack, but I will get a Mayhem point out of it. But you do you.

ASHLEY: You know what I'm going to do?

TRAVIS: I'm going to-- I'm going to--

ASHLEY: Ooh, what is this? Okay, I'm going to--

ASHLY: (laughs)

ASHLEY: I'm going to do something else. I'm going to take another attack. Who cares? Mayhem!


ASHLY: ♪ She gets a Mayhem point for you, mama ♪ And she gets a-- ♪ (laughs) Mayhem point.

ASHLEY: That was a good roll, but landed weird. Ooh. That was bad.

ASHLY: A three. Nada. You get nothing. Your beautiful gold gun clicks.

ASHLEY: Tiffany! You bitch. You bitch, you're doing this to me again?

ASHLY: No one would really think that a gun could look sad, and yet, somehow, if you were to look at Head 'Sploder right now, a sheen, almost as if a tear.

ASHLEY: Yeah, you cry, you cry! You doing this again!

ASHLY: The tree somehow more disturbed. He's a moving sentient tree, and yet this is wackier to him than being a moving sentient tree.

ASHLEY: Hey, hey, hey! Don't you pass your judgments over here!

ASHLY: Okay, so that did not work, but you did do some good damage.

ASHLEY: Okay. That's my turn.

ASHLY: To Big Boy Jones here.

ASHLEY: I'm going to stay. I'm going to stay.

ASHLY: Excellent job. Now the bad boys cometh, and boy, do they cometh. Not like that! Get your heads out of the gutter! So Mr. Stumpy number one is going to try to lay the smack down on Metta, and he is going to do so a little bit like this.

LAURA: He's got a heavy hitty although he's a little guy.

ASHLY: He's got a heavy hit although he's a little guy! He's going to take one of his stumpy limbs, ha-ta-ta! And try to hit you with it. Smack-O. He does smack-o, and he does seven damage.

IFY: Ha! You going try harder than that.

ASHLY: What is your shield at now, my friend?

IFY: It's only at 11.

ASHLY: You are beefy!

Okay, great.

IFY: Should've hid behind me.

ASHLY: And then this guy's going to get up--

TRAVIS: Oh, man.

ROBBIE: You sure about that?

ASHLY: T for team! T for team. It's going to summon the same spell. This is what happens when you let me on your wonderful program.

ASHLEY: Yay! Program.

ASHLY: So it shudders, as if getting the vibes of the gun crying off of it, and then (pew pew pew) six orbs--

TRAVIS: Another six?

LAURA: Oh, jeez!

ASHLY: --come out of its spindly limbs, and they're going to split the damage between (clicks tongue)--

LAURA: Ah, come on!

ASHLEY: All right!

ASHLY: -- you two lovely ladies. So we're going to see what hits. First to Ramsey. Where is that thing? This is the thing. Five damage.

ASHLEY: Don't care.

ASHLY: Kill-Bot. Four damage.


ASHLY: Back to Ramsey. (whispering) Six damage.

ASHLEY: Woo, boy!

ASHLY: One, two, three, four. Oh boy, oh boy, oh boy. Ooh, eight damage!


ASHLY: Yeah!

LAURA: Ah, jeez!

ASHLY: Back to Ramsey!

LAURA: Gosh, I'm doing not good!

ASHLY: Three damage.


LAURA: Yeah.

ASHLY: Ooh, boy.

LAURA: Another one on me?

ASHLY: Okay, six damage.

LAURA: Another?

ASHLY: On you.

TRAVIS: Is that what you're at?

ASHLY: Where you at?

TRAVIS: (laughs)

LAURA: I mean, not too great, if I'm being honest, ya know.

ASHLY: A reminder that y'all got potions.

TRAVIS: Uh-huh. Yeah.

ASHLEY: Yes, I realized that the last turn.

TRAVIS: Good thing you took one on your turn!

ASHLEY: No, I looked down and I realized that was one of the free actions and that's what I should've done instead.

ALL: (laugh)

ASHLEY: You live and you learn!

ASHLY: So that's big tree boy's turn, and it was quite a turn, unfortunately, but now the rest of you get to go! So who would like to go?

TRAVIS: I-I-I would like to volunteer. Can I run five spaces towards the embattled Ramsey and Kill-Pro Z21V.2.

ASHLY: Right here?

LAURA: (gasps)

TRAVIS: Actually, I'll back up one space.

ASHLY: You're going to back up one space.

TRAVIS: I am going to deploy my Scorpio Turret.

ASHLY and TRAVIS: (mechanical noises)

TRAVIS: (blows raspberry) I will take-- It will fire on the nearest, closest enemy, which would be the large gentleman with the six orbs.

ASHLY: That's very true.

TRAVIS: I'm going to roll attack. What!


ASHLY: What'd you get?

TRAVIS: Oh, a natural one.

ASHLY: ♪ Ooh, baby, I hate that for you ♪ I get a Mayhem point, unfortunately.

TRAVIS: Uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh.

ASHLY: Because of that. And I'm going to go ahead and spend one! Just for fun!


ASHLY: Let's see what we got! ♪ Big, fun book full of big, fun bad things Let's see how I'm going to screw you guys over ♪

TRAVIS: We only wanted to make it to the first battle, right? We wanted to die on the first one?

ASHLY: Yeah, this is what you guys wanted.

ROBBIE: We're still fighting trees, bro!

TRAVIS: I know, we're not doing good! (laughs)

ASHLY: Okay, actually it's kind of in your favor.


ASHLY: Out of seemingly nowhere, a tree right here-- Ka-ka-boom!

Lights on fire, as if the hand of God struck it!

LAURA: (gasps)

ASHLY: That's my hand. It bursts into flame. And now we're on a timer.

TRAVIS: Oh, snap.

ASHLY: Because everything around you is wood.

ROBBIE: Right.

ASHLEY: Oh, oh!


TRAVIS: We got to go.

ASHLY: It's lit, and the fire begins to spread.

LAURA: Oh, what?

ASHLY: If these bad boys are dead or you're out of here in five turns, everyone's fine.

LAURA: Okay, great.

TRAVIS: Five turns. It's already been one. Five turns from now?

ASHLY: Five turns after this one's over.

LAURA: Okay, we got that no problem. No problem. I can do the math.

ROBBIE: All right!

TRAVIS: All right.


IFY: I--

ROBBIE: You going to play it? I'm going to play it.

Okay, you go first!

IFY: So I walk over to my friend Ramsey, put my hand over her shoulder, like: You looked real cool earlier with the gun. The first time. Not the time after.

ASHLEY: Yeah, yeah, yeah, not the second time, that wasn't entirely my fault!

IFY: But you seemed to have been reaching for something and couldn't get your hand on it, so why don't I hand you one of these. And while I reach in and grab my grenade--

ASHLY: I get a Mayhem point off of that, baby.

IFY: Yep, you get a Mayhem.

ASHLY: Yeah, I do. I do.

IFY: While I'm handing the grenade, I'm not even looking at the tree and I'm shooting it with my Turtle Slapper.

ASHLEY: Whoa! That seems kind of badass.

IFY: I think it is kind of badass.

ASHLY: So you're doing a no-look shoot at the tree.

IFY: Yeah. While I'm handing a grenade--

ASHLY: As you're handing this thing. Okay, let's roll this Badass die and see what happens. Oh wait, actually, before that, I should say, does anyone want to sacrifice their turn and help him?

ASHLEY: I will!

ASHLY: Your turn already went, unfortunately. Basically Sandy or Kill-Bot can sacrifice their turn to support in this endeavor. Or you can keep it and be a selfish bitch. Or whatever you want to do.

LAURA: You know what? All right. Sure. I'm going to help out.

ASHLY: Okay. You're adding?

LAURA: I'm adding. I'm going to, while he's doing that, I'm right in front of him while he's doing that, because I'm right next to Ramsey. So I'm going to use my calculating mind here and I'm going to move his arm exactly to the place that's going to get that best shot to do the most damage onto that tree.

ASHLY: I love that. You're both going to roll Badass die, which you have. The big boys right in front of you.

TRAVIS: Let's go.

ASHLY: Also, Kill-Bot, you heal six, because you're right next to this here turret.

LAURA: (gasps) That's great!

ASHLY: Which is great. Thank you, Dewey!

ROBBIE: How long does it stay?

TRAVIS: U-u-until the armor is d-d-depleted.

ASHLY: What we get?

LAURA: Natural 20!

TRAVIS: Yo, two of them!

ALL: (cheer)

ROBBIE: It's so badass!

ASHLY: Holy god almighty. Well, this guy fucking just dies. Sorry.

ASHLEY: Yeah, you get out of here!

ASHLY: Freaking just dies.

ASHLEY: We're going to use you for a campfire tonight!

ASHLY: Just ka-bloom. Actually, the force of your badassery creates a gust of wind with a little bit of dew in it that extinguishes the fire. That's how cool it was.


ASHLY: We're no longer on a timetable. You got two little stumpies coming for you.

TRAVIS: Mega badass.

ASHLY: You get four Badass tokens and you get two.



ASHLY: Beautiful badass work, my friends. Sandy, it's up to ya.

ROBBIE: Okay. Oh, this is going to cost me. I'm going to swap my weapons out.

ASHLY: Ooh, a Mayhem point for me?

ROBBIE: Yeah. I'm going to give it away.

ASHLY: For little ol' me?

ROBBIE: That's for you. I'm going to holster The Kernel and pop out Flint and Steel, and one thing that I failed to mention was that the poor Sandy lost a limb in a previous engagement.

ASHLY: That's right!

ROBBIE: He has a bionic leg, so what he's going to do, he's going to drop into a runner's stance and you see a little energy crackling off that back foot. He's going to use his maximum speed to cut in between Metta and the tree. As he runs, he's going to take a shotgun blast at this guy.

TRAVIS: Oh, yeah!

ASHLY: Like this? Like here?

ROBBIE: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

TRAVIS: Kinetic energy!

ASHLY: Love it.


ASHLY: How'd we do?

ROBBIE: Not great.

ASHLY: Okay.

ROBBIE: So I only get 1d8 plus two.

LAURA: Did you succeed?

ROBBIE: What? Yeah, I got one-- Yeah, I got a-- Where'd it go?

TRAVIS: It rolled over.

ROBBIE: Oh, yeah. It was a four.

LAURA: Plus.

ROBBIE: It's two to seven-- Oh, plus!

LAURA: You have to add your accuracy.

ROBBIE: I don't have any.

TRAVIS: Not with a shotty.

ROBBIE: Yeah, not with the shotty. It's a four, so I only get one roll. I rolled a four plus two, six damage.

ASHLY: Six damage. Oh, you know, it's not nothing.


ASHLY: Ain't nothing.

TRAVIS: It ain't great, though.

ROBBIE: I know it ain't great. I'm going to keep sprinting the rest of my distance.

ASHLY: Okay.

ROBBIE: To be in front of--

ASHLY: So you got six, right? Sorry.

ROBBIE: Six. That should put me right up against the other one.

ASHLY: You're going to go here.

ROBBIE: Uh-huh. I'm going to expend another Mayhem point and get to you, and take a second attack on this one.

ASHLY: Is it my birthday?!

ROBBIE: It is. It was a bad move, and it's not paying off at all!

ASHLY: (laughs)

ROBBIE: Retribution or failure.

LAURA: What happened over there?

ROBBIE: Great. 15. So I get two. Seven plus two, nine. And eight plus two. 19 points of damage with a shotty.

ASHLY: Oh my goodness!

LAURA: 19?

ROBBIE: No, no. Wait, wait, stop! I'm mixing up my other thing! No, incorrect!

ASHLY: Wrong?

ROBBIE: Absolutely wrong. Nine.

ASHLY: Nine?

ROBBIE: Nine. It's only two on this one.

ASHLY: Okay. Got it.

ROBBIE: Nine points of damage.

ASHLY: Nine points of damage to tiny over there.


ASHLY: Got it. Okay, great.

ROBBIE: That's it.

ASHLY: And that's all y'all, right? Back to our beloved Ramsey.

ASHLEY: Hey! Well, do I get anything because I'm near the turret?

ASHLY: You have to be adjacent to it and then it would heal you, so if you wanted to end your turn there, you would get some healing.

ASHLEY: Okay, so what I'm going to do, from where I'm at, I'm going to take a shot at one of the tinies.

ASHLY: Okay. All right, can you? Yes.


ASHLY: One, two, three-- Yeah, you can. Yeah.


ASHLY: Wait, that's not you.

ASHLEY: That's me.

ASHLY: This is you. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

ASHLEY: Yeah, that's me.

ASHLY: Have a shot at the tiny.

ASHLEY: I'm going to pull Tiffany out again.

ASHLY: You put her away?

ASHLEY: I put her on my back, because I didn't want to look at her anymore. So I'm going to take her back out.

ASHLY: Uh-huh?

ASHLEY: I'm going to take another shot.

ASHLY: Let's see it. Come on, Tiffany. Come on, Tiffany. 10.

ASHLY: 10's not bad.

ASHLEY: Does it hit?

ASHLY: 10's not bad. Well, does it hit?

ASHLEY: 10? Does 10 hit?

TRAVIS: It's on your card.

ASHLEY: Does 10 hit?

ASHLY: 10 does hit!

ASHLEY: Wait, it's on my card?

LAURA: It's on your card.

ASHLY: 10 does hit! You get to roll one--

ASHLEY: I understand how to play this game!

ASHLY: You get to roll 1d10.

ASHLEY: I get to roll 1d10 is what that is.

ASHLY: (laughs)

ASHLEY: I know this. That's not a 10.


ASHLEY: Nine points of damage!

TRAVIS: Let's go!

ASHLY: Pretty good!

ASHLEY: All right, she's back. She's back. My girl is back.

ASHLY: Your girl's back. She just needed some negative reinforcement.

ASHLEY: She did. She did.

ASHLY: She needed to put in her place.

ASHLEY: Yeah, she did.

ASHLY: Then she shot, it rang out clear, nine points of damage. Love it. But now it's the bad boys' turn.

ASHLEY: Wait, wait, wait!

ASHLY: Oh, I'm so sorry! That's right! What would you like to do?

ASHLEY: I'm going to take a potion!

ASHLY: What potion are you taking?

ASHLEY: I'm going to take a common health potion, which regens 1d8 health!

TRAVIS: Regen.

ASHLY: I love it.

ASHLEY: Because I'm at one hit point.

ASHLY: If you end next to the turret, you'll get plus six as well, would you like to do that?

ASHLEY: God dang! That's a one.

ASHLY: Okay. Would you like to end next to the turret?

ASHLEY: Yes, I would.

ASHLY: Okay, great. Then you'll get plus six.

ASHLEY: Okay, so.

ASHLY: Not too shabble.

TRAVIS: Eight. You're at eight, because you had one.

ROBBIE: Did you use a calculator for that?

TRAVIS: Ca-ca-carry the one. There is no one to carry.

ALL (laugh)

ASHLY: Okay, now it's the bad boys' turn.

LAURA: You're so smart.

ASHLY: Unfortunately, you guys gave me too many Mayhem points.

ALL: Oh no!

TRAVIS: We don't know what that means!

ASHLY: Because now I can spend two, and a big bad dad's going to roll out of the forest, hearing all the commotion, and settle down right here.

ROBBIE: Oh no!

ASHLY: Papa Bear's here!

ROBBIE: Oh no.

LAURA: Thank god we put that fire out.

ASHLY: Oh, yah. Oh, yah!

TRAVIS: Oh, yah.

ASHLY: Okay, so first we'll do little stumpers. He's got a real vendetta with our pal, Metta. So he's going to go for it, and remembering the aura of his expired father, he's going to (groans) and pop out three orbs. (zooming) They're all going to go for you.

IFY: Do your worst.

TRAVIS: Oh, I love it.

ASHLY: So first one is a natural 20.


LAURA: Oh no.

IFY: You proved your point.

ASHLY: Which means I get another Mayhem point.

ROBBIE: It literally did do worse. It's as bad as it gets.

ASHLY: I'm also going to get double d-d-damage.

LAURA: Can I just say how much greatness it would be if we all died fighting these trees.

ASHLY: Four.

TRAVIS: Just on fold-out map.

ASHLY: Six. 16 damage.

LAURA: (gasps)

IFY: All right. You've broken my shield, congratulations.

TRAVIS: We're in the real now.

IFY: Yeah.

ASHLY: So that Stumpo's turn. Stumpo number two, coming for you.

ROBBIE: I'm sorry.

ASHLY: In spite-- He hears that. He creaks to the side, and for a second, you think maybe, just maybe, an affinity, a connection.

ROBBIE: Friend?

ASHLY: He comes close to you.

ROBBIE: Friend!

ASHLY: Three orbs appear around his head.


TRAVIS: It was a lie! The affinity was a lie!

ASHLY: And he gets a natural one.

ALL: Oh!

ASHLY: So his attacks (zooming) all of a sudden the orbs coalesce into one and poof out of existence.


ASHLY: He's demoralized.


ASHLY: He goes, "Meh." and does nothing else. That's his turn.

TRAVIS: Do we get a Mayhem point?

ASHLY: (laughs) Well, if someone wants to do something badass--


ASHLY: Now big bad daddy's coming in.

LAURA: Oh no!

ASHLY: And who does he want to attack? I think he sees that his beloved son has made a bit of an impact on Metta and he's going to clomp, clomp, clomp, over to you.

IFY: Ooh.

LAURA: These trees are smart.

IFY: So predictable.

ASHLY: He's going to create, wouldn't you know it, six orbs of energy. But he's going to spread the love around, guys. Look, he's an equal opportunity asshole. So-- can I say that? Can I say that? I added a "hole," I don't know. He's going to attack--


ASHLY: First, he's going to attack you for two, or twice, I should say. He fails. So he doesn't get to attack you any more. Then he's going to go for Sandy. Natural 20!


LAURA: Oh no.

ASHLY: Four.

TRAVIS: The trees are rolling real good.

ASHLY: He's going to go again. So five damage to you. Then he's going to go for you twice.


ASHLY: He fails. So that's that.

TRAVIS: It's my beauty.

ASHLY: (laughs)

TRAVIS: And the booty.

ASHLY: And that is their turn.

ASHLEY: Beauty and a booty?

ASHLY: So now the floor is open to all you lovely folk. Who would like to go next?

IFY: I sling my bazooka around my back and look at that small little tree and go: It's about time I get a little hands on, and then I start punching at this.

ASHLY: So you're going to do a melee attack?

IFY: I'm doing a melee attack.

ASHLY: Very fun.

IFY: Oh, man. I'm one shy from 16, so I'm going to spend one of my Badass tokens to get 16, to add a damage die because my melee-- because I'm a big old dude.

ROBBIE: Just two dudes.

IFY: As I get a bonus 1d6 to my melee, so if I roll 2d10s, and then I get a d6 on top of that.

ASHLY: Okay.


ASHLY: Let's see what you got, Metta.

ASHLEY: Get it.

IFY: All right, that's going to be, all right. Oh. About 15.

ROBBIE: About?

IFY: It's 15.

ROBBIE: About?

ASHLY: Honestly, I love the approximation, I love it. I can't do math!

IFY: Yeah, the moment the cameras turn on, my math--

ASHLY: Did you add your damage modifier to that, my friend?

IFY: 20 with my damage modifier.

ASHLY: Oh, I thought you were trying to say that your damage modifier was 20. So it's 20?

IFY: Yeah, yeah.

ASHLY: Ooh. Stumpy is not doing so good.


IFY: Oh, that's even better, because I'm--

ASHLY: Your punch, your last punch clocks a hole right in his fricking dome. He's woozy, if a tree could be woozy. He's still standing, but he doesn't look very good.

TRAVIS: Is that big daddy or little stumpy?

ASHLY: That's little stumpo, right here. Would you like to do anything else with your turn?

IFY: Oh yeah, I'll give you another Mayhem to keep punching this kid.

ASHLY: Okay. (laughs)

IFY: All right.

ASHLEY: Go on, finish him off.

LAURA: How many Mayhems do you have now? A lot?

ASHLY: That's for me to know.

LAURA: Oh, man, we should be keeping track of this.

IFY: All right, well, yeah. That's, well, normal damage, that's fine. I don't need it.

TRAVIS: Yeah, yeah, yeah.

IFY: I don't need it.

ASHLY: How much damage did you do?

IFY: I'm about to let you know right now.

ASHLY: Excellent.

IFY: 14.

ASHLY: In front of his father, this small child is cleaved in two by the pure force of your fists.

LAURA: Oh gosh.

ASHLY: He's dead.

TRAVIS: Nope. Nope.

ASHLY: And that is the end of young Stumpy's life. Goodbye, Stumpy.

IFY: Good riddance.

ASHLY: Well done. Who's next?

TRAVIS: I would like to rotate the turret so it is facing towards the large gentleman, yes. It blocks all damage from the front if you are behind the turret and it will open fire.

IFY: Should've said that one turn ago.

TRAVIS: I really should've.

TRAVIS: Really should've done something.

ROBBIE: Yeah, yeah.

TRAVIS: What is happening!?

ASHLY: What did you get?

TRAVIS: It's a five, but I really feel like I should be hitting better. Okay, that's 10 plus five, 11, 11 plus-- (laughs) 19 points of damage.


ASHLY: That's good! That's good.

TRAVIS: I will give you a Mayhem point as I run towards--

ASHLY: Oh my goodness gracious!

TRAVIS: -- the tree and I'm going to climb his branches like that archival film of my favorite action hero, Sylvester Stallone, and put my combat rifle into his face and unleash a barrage.

ASHLY: That sounds, to me, kind of badass. It might be kind of badass. I think we got a Badass Move on our hands, people. Does anyone want to assist in this Badass Move? Or is it a solo venture?

TRAVIS: I mean, it's cool if it's a solo venture.

ROBBIE: It's your time to shine, man!

TRAVIS: All right, here we go.

ASHLY: Okay. Here we go.

LAURA: You got it.

TRAVIS: 14 plus-- 16! Oh, I know what that does.

ASHLY: No modifiers.

LAURA: No modifier.

TRAVIS: Oh, no modifiers, so just 14.

ASHLY: Just 14.

LAURA: That's great!

TRAVIS: That's great. I still hit three times.

LAURA: No, no, no.

ASHLY: I have to decide if you get it.


ASHLY: And you do! It works!

ALL: (cheer)

ASHLEY: And you do!

TRAVIS: 12, five. 12 plus five, 17.

ASHLY: 17, very good and make sure you give yourself.

TRAVIS: Plus four.

ASHLY: Oh, plus four?

TRAVIS: Yeah, plus four for the rifle which is actually plus eight, so, (counting) 25.

ASHLY: Woo! That's very good. Extremely good. And you get four Badass tokens for the pleasure.


ALL: (ooh)

ASHLY: You do!

TRAVIS: I get tokens!

ASHLY: Four BM Tokens. Glorious. Sandy, Kill-Bot? Who would like to go next?

LAURA: Yeah.


LAURA: Sure, you know, I'm going to brace my lively little baby eagle here. It's not a baby. It's quite large.

ASHLY: "I am your baby, mother."

LAURA: You're doing great.

ASHLY: Did you take damage, by the way, my friend? At any point?


ASHLY: Okay, you're good, then. I was going to say you could heal because you're next to the--

TRAVIS: But I've never taken damage.

ASHLY: Oh! I think I see a flex.

TRAVIS: It's all about knowing the angles.

ASHLY: I'm so sorry, your baby. You're pointing your baby.

LAURA: Aim at the big one.

ASHLY: At the big one?

LAURA: Yeah, and I'm going to try to shoot it.

ASHLY: Let's try to shoot it. I love it.

LAURA: I just missed the...

TRAVIS: Were you aiming for the tray?

LAURA: Shush, I still rolled high.

ROBBIE: She really sent it, though.

ASHLEY: Dope roll.

LAURA: I rolled 24. So that means I get two d12s here.

ASHLEY: Oh, boy!

LAURA: I missed again.

ROBBIE: That's good, though.

LAURA: That's good. That's 11 plus three.

ASHLY: Okay, pretty good. He's still standing, but, you know, for how much longer. Who knows? I guess you'll have to find out. Great. Sandy.

LAURA: Oh, wait, free action.

ASHLY: Oh, I'm so sorry. What would you like to do next?

LAURA: You know what? I'm by the turret. I healed so much I'm not even going to take my potion. I'm great.

ASHLY: Oh, good, okay, great. I love it. Sandy?

ROBBIE: Yes. I am still transfixed with my little stump friend and I am going to kneel down next to him.

ASHLY: He's demoralized also at this point.

ROBBIE: I'm going to pull my Hey Sugar out of my pocket and crack it right in front of him and take a little sip to give myself a plus two on talk checks for an hour.

ASHLY: Okay. Okay! I like where this is going.

TRAVIS: Here we go.

ASHLY: I like where this is going.

IFY: He seems to be having a drink with the tree.

TRAVIS: I don't understand this approach.

ASHLY: What would you like to say to this poor demoralized soul?

ROBBIE: Yeah, yeah. With my plus three talk, I'm going to say: Hey. Listen, buddy, thank you for not beating me up last time, but this isn't going good for you. You think you could just go. You can go. I promise I won't shoot you with this shotgun if you go.

TRAVIS: Go on home.

ROBBIE: Do you want to go? You want to go, buddy?

ASHLY: "That sounds really specific, but."

ASHLEY and TRAVIS: Oh no! (yelling)

ROBBIE: Yes! (yelling)

ASHLY: "But maybe if you roll a d20, "we'll find out if that convinced me."

ROBBIE: I really want this for both of us right now. It's pretty cocked.

LAURA: It's cocked.

ROBBIE: But it's not bad. I'll-- okay. Much better. 18 plus two from my Sugar plus three from my talk modifier, that's 23. Go on, now.

ASHLY: He reaches out a creaky branch and touches your cheek and says,


ASHLY: "I wish you were my father." Then he starts waddling away.

ROBBIE: Then I'm going to go: Go on now, get! I'm going to throw pebbles at him. You get out of here!

ASHLY: "Aah!"

ROBBIE: Go on, get!

ASHLY: He starts waddling into the forest.

ASHLEY: Go on, get!

TRAVIS: Don't you come back!

ASHLY: "Most people in this story have had a difficult family life!" He disappears into the forest.

ASHLEY: I never liked you!

ASHLY: Well done.

TRAVIS: My parents are still married, that's what it is.

ASHLY: Beautiful work. Okay, top of the round, Ramsey.

ASHLEY: Oh, hello!

ASHLY: I'm afraid to say that our beautiful turret goes away. It's been two turns.

ROBBIE: Why? Why?

ASHLY: It's been two turns. Only out for two turns.

ROBBIE: Only two turns? More armor.

TRAVIS: I read the sheet, and I left that part out.

ASHLY: He was hoping he could benefit from my ignorance.

ASHLEY: Did I take damage that last round?

TRAVIS: No? I can't remember.

ASHLEY: Eh, we'll figure it out.

ASHLY: I don't think you did. I think you can regenerate some shield, if that's what you're asking.

ASHLEY: All right, you know what? I'm going to pull Tiffany back around. Come on, Tiff.

ASHLY: Come on, Tiff.

ASHLEY: Take a shot at big daddy.

ASHLY: Okay. Let's take a shot at big daddy.

ASHLEY: Let's do this one. Ooh!

ASHLY: How did you do?

ASHLEY: 19 plus five, 24.

ALL: (ooh)

ASHLEY: Okay, so that's going do this. Okay, so we're going to do a 10 and then we're going to do a 12. Get nice and in order. Not very good.

TRAVIS: (laughs)

ASHLEY: That is a total of four. (laughs)

ASHLY: Four? (laughs) You know what? I love it.

ASHLEY: Between a 12 and a 10 die.

LAURA: Whoa.

TRAVIS: And you heal five points.


TRAVIS: Yeah, because you're still next to the-- Oh, the turret's gone.

ASHLEY: Well, my shield--

LAURA: But your shield regenerates for five.

ASHLEY: My shield regenerates for five.

ASHLY: Your shield does regenerate for five.


Even though it completely went down?

TRAVIS: Mm-hmm.

ASHLY: Mm-hmm. Oh yeah, oh yeah.

ASHLEY: So I'm at--

ASHLY: Okay, that is-- would you like to do anything else? By the way, with the rest of your turn?

ASHLEY: Okay. I'm going to take an extra attack at him.

ASHLY: You're giving me so much Mayhem, baby girl!

ASHLEY: I'm going to give you more Mayhem.

ASHLY: I get a Mayhem. Go ahead.

ASHLEY: I'm going to take another attack.

LAURA: We're giving her a lot of Mayhem.

ASHLY: I got a lot of Mayhem.

ASHLEY: Oh, that's 19 again, so.

TRAVIS: Stay Puft Marshmallow Man's going to drop in.

ROBBIE: Exactly, yeah.

ASHLY: (laughs)

ASHLEY: All right, come on, you're going to give me a good--

LAURA: I like that it makes you pay for your selfishness in that way, how greedy you are early on.

ASHLEY: 11 points of damage.

ASHLY: (branches snapping)

LAURA: Yeah!

ASHLY: The tree splinters, and groans out, "Tell my son."

TRAVIS: Come on, come on.

ASHLEY: What do you want? What do you want me to tell him?

ASHLY: "I loved him." And disappears into two lifeless logs.

TRAVIS: Lifeless logs?

ASHLY: Lifeless logs, you won!

ALL: (cheer)

ROBBIE: We lived! (cheering)

TRAVIS: Barely!

ASHLY: But you just gave me so much Mayhem.

ROBBIE: Doesn't matter, that was super fun!

ASHLY: That I'm going to consult my handy dandy table.

TRAVIS: It's got a bunch of Post-it Notes in it, you guys. That's not good.

ASHLEY: There is a lot of Post-its in there.

ASHLY: I'm going to spend-- What's fair?

LAURA: Oh gosh.

ASHLY: Three to be able to pick the one that I want.



ASHLY: What does Ashly want to do today?

ROBBIE: It's a bit funny.

TRAVIS: Everyone clear your minds.

ROBBIE: Don't think of anything.

LAURA: Don't think a single thought!

TRAVIS: The choice has been made! No, no! I didn't choose anything! I didn't choose anything.

ASHLY: Okay.

ROBBIE: I just couldn't help it.

ASHLY: I have decided.

LAURA: Oh god.

ASHLY: The leaves clear.

LAURA: Oh no.


TRAVIS: Not leaves.

ROBBIE: That sounds nice.

LAURA: Oh, he's back.

ROBBIE: How dare you?

ASHLY: The beautiful child that you sent away pokes his head out.

ROBBIE: Don't you dare!

ASHLY: But he has something for you.

ROBBIE: You're back.

ASHLY: In his tiny little branch fingers. He slides this to you and then disappears again.

ASHLEY: Wait, wait, wait!

ROBBIE: Give me that.

LAURA: I'm passing it to you!

ROBBIE: Give me that!

ASHLEY: Hey, kid, hey, kid. Hey, baby branch.

ASHLY: "Huh?"

ASHLEY: Your dad.

ASHLY: "My dad?"

ASHLEY: Yes, he said that he loves you.

ASHLY: "Where is he?"



ASHLY: "He's never said he loved me before."

IFY: You had to keep talking.

ASHLEY: He hasn't?

ASHLY: "Where is he? Because I'd like to hug him. This is the first time in my entire life he's ever told me he loved me."

IFY: We were in the clear.

ASHLEY: Uh-oh.

ASHLEY: He is currently...

ASHLY: "Yeah, wasn't he just here?"

IFY: Yeah. He-he-he, hold on, I got it.

ASHLEY: I think he went to the, where did he go?

IFY: He went to the Grand Tree--

ASHLEY: The Grand Tree.

IFY: Headquarters.

ASHLEY: Headquarters.

IFY: The headquarters.

ASHLEY: The Grand Tree Headquarters.

IFY: Yeah, because he got called away. Right when we were, right, he was about to kill us too. Your dad's so strong.


IFY: So strong.

ASHLY: "My dad was about to kill you. And then he got called to the Grand Tree Headquarters by who?"

TRAVIS: GTHQ, official summons.

ASHLEY: From the Grand Tree.

IFY: Yeah, yeah.

TRAVIS: Official summons.

ASHLY: Okay, Ramsey needs to make a talk roll because you started this and then you guys can support by adding half of whatever you roll.


IFY: Okay.

ASHLEY: I need to make a talk check, okay.

TRAVIS: Natural one. That's a 0.5 you can add.

IFY: And half of seven for you. So we're really.

TRAVIS: 3.5. 3.6!



ASHLY: 16.


ASHLEY: He went on to the Grand Tree. What is it again? Headquarters? He went to go talk to the Grand Tree.

ASHLY: "Uh-huh."

ASHLEY: And he's on an important mish.

ASHLY: "So if I go to the Grand Tree Headquarters, my dad will be there?"

IFY: He told us to say you got to stay here. Hold down the tree fort.

ASHLEY: You got to stay here to be safe.


ASHLEY: You got to protect this area. You are head tree now.

IFY: Don't kill anyone, though.

ASHLY: "I'm head tree now?"

ASHLEY: You're head tree.

IFY: Yeah, but don't kill anyone.

ASHLY: "I'm head tree now!"

IFY: Buddy, I need you to hear the other thing I'm saying.

ASHLY: "I didn't hear the other thing you said. "I'm head tree now!" And he runs into the forest.

ASHLEY: Okay, we got to go, we got to go.

ASHLY: So who knows what's going to happen?

TRAVIS: That is a dead tree. That is a dead tree. It's going to be a power struggle.

ROBBIE: Did we just gaslight a tree?

TRAVIS: Hey, we did it!

ASHLY: Yeah, you did it!

ALL: Yay.!

ASHLY: Wonderful job. You may have totally scarred a child. But, I mean, who's keeping track?

LAURA: It's a tree child, it's fine.

ASHLY: It's fine.

ASHLEY: You know, teaching them young. It's life, life is hard.

ROBBIE: He still fine.

TRAVIS: Goodbye.

ROBBIE: He'll be fine.

ASHLY: Goodbye. I keep hitting the mic, I'm very sorry. Great job, guys.

TRAVIS: Thanks.

ASHLY: So good. So as you continue through the forest, the same gloomy-- all the gloomy business is still there. But you enter a clearing and you hear the arguing of what sounds like a very big man and a very tiny guy. You're not sure what you're running into, but it doesn't seem dangerous. Would you like to keep going? Do you want to check it out before you enter?

IFY: Yeah, I'm peeping my head through the bush.

ASHLY: Okay, give me a search check, whoever would like to.

IFY: All right. 10.

LAURA: I would like to join that search.


ASHLY: You are looking directly at a leaf and going, "I don't see anything."

ALL: (laugh)

LAURA: No, I don't want to-- I don't want to help. I don't want to-- no.

ASHLY: How'd you do?

LAURA: I rolled an eight.

ASHLY: Okay, you're also looking at a different leaf and going, "He's right, I don't see anything."

LAURA: There's nothing there.

TRAVIS: You know what, we should to do it just to have solidarity.

ASHLEY: Yeah, yeah, yeah. We just better check.


ASHLEY: Well, what about--

LAURA: We're all peeking above each other's heads.

ASHLEY: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

ASHLY: Doop, doop, doop, very Scooby-Doo.

ASHLEY: What kind of leaf is this? Is this poison oak?

LAURA: Sumac.

ASHLEY: We should-- It's sumac, we should not. You know, keep your limbs covered.

ASHLY: Dewey is the only one that understands that trees are trees and that clearings are clearings. He pokes his head around the tree and sees a large buff man next to a fire with a downed blimp behind him. On the other side of the fire is a tiny toaster-like robot with one eye who is just yakking this poor buff boy's head off. He's telling jokes. He's trying to ask him what his favorite foods are. The buff guy looks like he's having the worst night of his life. They don't seem particularly armed or ready to pounce or anything. So approaching might not be a deadly decision, if you so wish to do so.

TRAVIS: Hey, huddle, up. I noticed that through the clearing there is a gentleman a very roided out, you can tell. Then he's next to a fire with a small robot. But they don't seem to be armed. So we could go around or we could send in, perhaps, one of us, one, one--

LAURA: I start walking out.


LAURA: Hello there. How are y'all doing?

ASHLY: "I'd be a lot better it wasn't for this ding-dang robot." (Robot) "Hello, adventurer," he says and zips right up to you. "Would you like to hear a joke?"

LAURA: Sure. Would you like me to take care of this bot for you?

ASHLY: "Please, please take care of this bot for me."

LAURA: Sure! I'm going to pull out my sword.

ASHLY: (Robot) "Oh boy!" He's like, "Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, maybe not that. Maybe not like that, not like that. I thought you meant take him somewhere, so I didn't have to listen to him for a bit."

LAURA: I could do that, too, of course. I scoop up the toaster and start walking back into the forest.

ASHLY: "Bye, toaster."

TRAVIS: She's just ganked the toaster.

ASHLY: So this little guy sees the rest of you and goes, "Hello, adventurers. My name is Claptrap. It's very nice to meet all of you. I would like to tell you a joke. Would you like to hear it?"

IFY: Yeah, I'd love to.

ASHLEY: Yeah, yeah, yeah.


ASHLEY: I love a good--

ROBBIE and IFY: Yeah.

ASHLY: "What's brown and sticky?" He looks at all of you with his eye in turn. He's really watching your expressions.

TRAVIS: Nothing good.

IFY: I'm trying so hard not to say the answer that I know.

ASHLY: "What's brown and sticky?" He looks right at Metta.

IFY: (pained) I don't know. Why don't you tell me?

ASHLY: Why don't you roll a talk check?

IFY: That is a six plus two, eight.

ASHLY: You fail. Whatever you're trying to keep back, you blah.

IFY: It's a stick, it's a stick, ain't it? It's a stick, huh? It's a stick, it's a stick. I know because it's something we used to say back at Atlas Military School right before classes.

TRAVIS: Poor them.

ASHLY: "It is a stick." He seems a little demoralized that you knew the punchline to his joke. The big guy comes through the branches and goes, "I feel kind of bad for foisting this guy on you. "Name's Torgue, nice to meet you. What brings y'all around this way?"

TRAVIS: We're actually on a mission. We're trying to locate a person of interest, a POI.

ASHLY: "What sort of person of interest?"

TRAVIS: The illustrious-- (whispers) The Illustrious Queen.

ASHLY: "The queen!?" They both go ding! And Claptrap's little antenna goes bing. It's very clear that they've been looking for the same person. Torgue says, "We've been looking for the queen for days, but our damn blimp crashed, and we haven't been able to go after her."

TRAVIS: Not your blimp.

ASHLY: "Yes, my blimp!"

TRAVIS: Oh, that's--

ASHLY: "That blimp there."

TRAVIS: That's terrible. Perhaps we can be of assistance?

ROBBIE: I think maybe Dewey and I could check that out for you, if you're interested.

TRAVIS: Of course.

IFY: Y'all be careful. It's like they say, blimpin' ain't easy.

ASHLY: Claptrap, his eye goes (whirring) and zeroes in on you. He feels like he's found, for the first time in his life, a kindred spirit. He swivels himself away from Kill-Bot's arms and goes up to you. "Say it again."

IFY: (splutters) Well, I said, you know it's like they say, and I pick him up. Blimpin' ain't easy.

ASHLY: Ka-dunk, the front of his little robot body opens. Inside you see, I thought this would be harder, two grenades.


ROBBIE: We got more grenades?


TRAVIS: Killing it. Let's go.

ROBBIE: As I walk over to the blimp with Dewey here, I'm going to snatch one of the pens out of his pocket protector. I'm surprisingly stoked about this. I'm excited.

TRAVIS: I am as well.

ROBBIE: Yeah, come on, man. I mean, you and I, we can get this thing going pretty quick, right?

TRAVIS: Most definitely. Between the two of us, this thing should be right as rain in no time.

ROBBIE: Well, let's go.

ASHLY: Torgue sidles up behind you and goes, "Look, gentlemen, I appreciate it. You don't have to get the blimp ready to fly again. But all of our supplies are locked up in it somewhere. So if you could get it open, I'd really appreciate it."

ROBBIE: Yeah, are the locks mechanical or is there a AI on board? Like how's this thing work?

ASHLY: "Well, Claptrap was supposed to be our AI, but as you can see." In the background, you hear him go, "Blimpin' ain't easy, ha ha ha ha. Blimpin' ain't easy." (Torgue) "He's not much of an AI, so it's mechanical."


TRAVIS: We can handle it.

ROBBIE: Easy peasy.

TRAVIS: We can do it.



LAURA: We actually have a-- You know, I'm kind of useful at opening doors.


ROBBIE: Oh yeah.

LAURA: Yeah.

ROBBIE: Trio, that's it. Come on.

LAURA: Well, yeah, I'm going to bust out my little baby.

TRAVIS: Your little what?

ASHLY: "Hello, mother."

LAURA: Can you open this door for us, hun?

ASHLY: "I can shoot at it, if that's what you'd like."

LAURA: Well, I think my gun is supposed to help me open doors. Yes.

ASHLY: "By doing so I will open the door."

LAURA: Great.

ASHLY: "I should've led with that."

LAURA: Yeah, that's wonderful. That's a great idea.

TRAVIS: Less of a finesse.

ASHLY: Bang and (whirring) the door swings open and out of it. (presentory humming)

TRAVIS: What is that?

ASHLY: A gun pops out.

ALL: Whoa!

TRAVIS: That's not a gun. That's a arm cannon.

ASHLY: Clank, a-clank, a-clank. La-shah.

ROBBIE: (whistles)

TRAVIS: What is that?

IFY: Yeah, what is that?

ASHLY: SWORDSPLOSION!!! is what it's called.



TRAVIS: These names.


LAURA: Sure.

ROBBIE: Oh wow.

LAURA: There you are, Sandy.

ROBBIE: Thank you.

ASHLEY: I mean, Kill-Pro--


ASHLEY: -- got that open, no problem.

TRAVIS: Pretty sure.

ASHLY: "Now you guys have to--" I forgot I was Torgue. "You have to decide who's going to get it. "So I mean, it seems like she should get it because she opened it, but like--"

ASHLEY: She opened the door.

ASHLY: "I know all you wanted it but there was only just the one thing. So I mean, I only got the one gun."

ROBBIE: Wait, wait, wait. You have a whole blimp with one gun? I want to make sure this is a one-gun blimp.

LAURA: Are you just giving us your gun at this point?

ASHLY: "Yeah, this is my gun.”

LAURA: Yeah.

ASHLY: "I mean I can see-- Hold on." Then Torgue kind of--

ROBBIE: It makes sense because--

ASHLY: Ka-dunk. Torgue's so big.

ROBBIE: Because.

IFY: Because blimpin' ain't easy.

ROBBIE: That's right.

LAURA: No, no, no.

ASHLY: Torgue hears what you're saying, though. He clunks around in the back and--

ROBBIE: I'm going to make you say that--

ASHLY: He has one more of these. He says, "I have this, this vial. I didn't know what it ever did but I kept it around. I don't know if you guys are into this sort of weird thing. I ain't judging, but it looks kind of weird." He presents it to you and it's a vial.


ASHLY: In it is a weird liquid. It sloshes around. It seems at sometimes weirdly thick and at other times, very very watery and it keeps changing color. You actually don't know if it's safe to drink. But it is a sealed container.

TRAVIS: Did you incur any damage when your blimp crashed?

ASHLY: "A little," and he shows you the tiniest scratch that you've ever seen on his bicep.

TRAVIS: That's it. It's literally nothing.

ASHLY: "It burns. It hurts."

ASHLEY: Seriously.

TRAVIS: Does anybody have any first aid that they can render to Torgue?

ASHLEY: Maybe he can put a leaf on it or something?

ASHLY: He grabs leaf and sticks it and then it falls off. "It didn't work."

ASHLEY: Yeah, I don't know what I was trying to do with that, but...

ASHLY: "I really appreciate the effort.”

ASHLEY: Sometimes they have healing properties. I don't know, I'm not a healer.

ASHLY: Davey offers one of his feathers.

ASHLEY: Oh yeah.

ASHLY: To be fair, it's pretty gross. It's molting and like, not very, it doesn't seem very sanitary but Torgue's too polite to decline. So he takes it and awkwardly puts it on his cut and it adheres, which he was bummed about. He was hoping it would just slide off like the leaf. But now he's got maybe a diseased feather--

TRAVIS: Stank feather.

ASHLY: On his open wound.

IFY: That's an infection right there.

ASHLEY: It'll help. I've done it before. It gets worse before it gets better type of thing.

IFY: Ramsey, are you putting weird feathers on your body?

ASHLEY: Well, yes.

IFY: All right, I'm not going to judge you. You know I don't like to judge.

ASHLEY: You know.

ASHLY: He says, "I'm so grateful to you all. I've known you for such a short time, but you've done so much for us already, but I can't tell if I feel emotional because poison's entering my body or because I feel so moved by your actions. But I want to tell you this. It really seems like if anyone can find the queen, it's you all. I'll tell you where I think she probably was headed. She will probably have gone to cure the curse to the Immortal Woods to seek out Vitality Grove. She's the only person that could cure the curse. That's the only place where she could cure it. If the queen was going to be anywhere, that's where she'd be."

TRAVIS: Just to confirm, we are currently in The Forest of Being Eaten Alive by Trees.

ASHLY: “That's right.”

TRAVIS: But you think she was headed to the Immortal Woods in the Vitality Grove?

ASHLY: "That's correct. You have to go through The Forest of Being Eaten by Trees. You take a right at the Forest of--"

TRAVIS: A right.

ASHLY: "Mostly Bad but Sometimes Okay Mishaps. Then you take a left at the Lake of Mediocrity, and then straight onto the Immortal Woods."

TRAVIS: That damn lake.

IFY: Yeah, man, you know.

ASHLY: "But if there's actually a shortcut, if you go left, right now, you could probably get to the Immortal Woods pretty fast."

TRAVIS: Yeah, no.

LAURA: The Handsome Sorcerer is probably somewhere around here, too. I'm going to guess?

ASHLY: "If you're looking for the queen, I'm sure the Handsome Sorcerer ain't far behind."

ASHLEY: Oh, that's right. I forgot about that--

ASHLY: "Now, get out of here because this voice is hurting your BM's throat."

ALL: (laugh)

LAURA: Okay.

TRAVIS: We'll be on our way, I suppose. Thank you again for the boomstick and--

LAURA: And for the potion.


ASHLY: (Claptrap) "I'll never forget you, adventurer."

IFY: I'll never forget you, too.

ASHLY: "I wish you were my dad."

IFY: Oh, I hate kids.

ASHLY: They all have daddy issues in this.

TRAVIS: Yeah, there's a lot of--

ASHLY: There's a lot of daddy issues. It's so weird.

TRAVIS: Lack of parental support here.

ROBBIE: Hey, Dewey, what are you packing besides that turret, by the way?

TRAVIS: I have a combat rifle. I call it the Mind Flayer, and it's actually quite an able weapon.

ROBBIE: All right.

ASHLEY: Wait, I'm confused about something. You, your name is Mateo.

ROBBIE: Mm-hmm.

ASHLEY: But you're you're going by Sandy?

ROBBIE: Yeah, sometimes.

ASHLEY: It's just a nickname, or--?

ROBBIE: Oh, no, it's just a nickname I got. My deployment, it was a desert environment, you know. And my last name's Sandoval and it's half a nickname. I don't really like the other half, so.

ASHLEY: Oh, that's right, your last name is-- that makes sense.

ROBBIE: Yeah, yeah, yeah, but the other half.

IFY: They called you Sandy, because you were in sand?

ROBBIE: Well, were in sand, but it's also my last name, Sandoval.

ASHLEY: It's a play on your last name.

ROBBIE: Yeah, yeah, yeah. But then I was also into anime and stuff, so...

ASHLEY: Tell me more.

ROBBIE: But they thought I--

ASHLY: Anime is now canon.

ROBBIE: But they also-- I didn't like the right anime, so they called me a filthy casual. And sand was dirty, so they called me Sandy Casual was my full nickname.

TRAVIS: Oh my god.

ASHLEY: Sandy Casual.

ROBBIE: Yeah, I don't like the second half, but the first half is pretty cool.

ASHLEY: You kept the first half?

IFY: I mean, honestly, there were way more direct insults. That was a reach of an insult.

ROBBIE: You got friends and it's-- I have a very complicated rich backstory with my friends.

ASHLY: You notice, as you've been talking, that Claptrap's eye has (whizzing) singled onto you. He's like, "I never liked the right anime, either. Will you both be my dads?"


ASHLY: With that, you decide that maybe it's time to mosey out of this particular area and head to Vitality Grove. And with that, we'll take a break.

TRAVIS: Vitality Grove!

Part II[]

ASHLY: Welcome back, everyone. We had a break, we refueled, and now we are ready. I think.


ASHLY: To venture to Vitality Grove.

LAURA: I have a question, BM.


LAURA: Does our shield regenerate in between combat?

ASHLY: (high-pitched) Let's say yes!

LAURA: All right.

ASHLY: Could you decipher any of that?

LAURA: Yeah.

ASHLY: Okay, great.

LAURA: I heard it.

ASHLY: Because I think I broke a glass somewhere in this building.

LAURA: No, I fully--

ASHLEY: Like fully? Fully back up and running?

ASHLY: Oh yeah.

TRAVIS: Don't question it. Just take it.

ROBBIE: No, that scares me more than anything else.

LAURA: Your shield is regenerated, but our health isn't fully regenerating.

ASHLEY: Health is just where it is.

ASHLY: Your shield's back, baby.

ASHLEY: Shield is back.

LAURA: Shield's back.

ASHLY: Just kidding, everything is fully regenerated, that is the kind--

TRAVIS: Fully re-gen?

ASHLY: -- of BM I am!


TRAVIS: We didn't take the potions yet.

ASHLY: Y'all are back to a hundy p.


ROBBIE: Great, reliable BM.

TRAVIS: I did some work on them.

ASHLY: Which you're going to need, because as you venture into Vitality Grove, it gets spookier.

ASHLEY: (scared noise)

IFY: (gasps)

ASHLY: I'm talking mad spooky, spookier than you ever thought possible.

ASHLEY: I'm a bit scared.

ASHLY: The trees are decayed. Everywhere you look: dark, dank, spooky. You know, just imagine everything that's good and rejuvenating has been sucked from the land. It's not a great place to be. You don't feel good to be here. As you approach, the trees clear, and there appears--

ROBBIE: Just like that?

ASHLY: --to be--

ROBBIE: Just like that?

ASHLY: Just a moment, as I boot up.

ROBBIE: Let's get out of here!

ASHLY: There appears to be, lush and vibrant-- is now dead and decaying.

TRAVIS: What the heck?


LAURA: Did you make this?

ASHLY: I made it with my own two hands. I didn't make it. People here made it, and they're wonderful. Thank you for making it.

ASHLEY: Oh my goodness, I want to eat those Skittles.

ROBBIE: Is that a pretzel circle?

ASHLY: Oh, it sure is.

LAURA: Oh, look at all our people--

ASHLY: Thank you, Max, for making this beautiful map.

ASHLEY: It's amazing!

LAURA: Can we pick these up?

ASHLY: Yes, let's see, yes. Please do.

ROBBIE: Just took a nap.

ASHLY: You guys stand at the base of this--

LAURA: You look awesome.

ASHLY: --tree, the Tree of Life, which in a normal day, when you know, the curse isn't plaguing the lands, it would look vibrant and beautiful and welcoming, but right now, it's spooky as hell. I mean, look at it. It's spooky. Surrounding it are several pillars, ominous, lights glowing above it, ominous. It all seems quite ominous, if we're being honest with ourselves. As you approach, you see a figure at the base of the stairs. A familiar figure, strangely. It's Mr. Torgue.

TRAVIS: Torgue?

LAURA: What?

ASHLY: We just saw him!


ASHLY: How did he get there so fast?


ASHLY: Before us? I say, as if I'm one of you. I feel that I am. Mr. Torgue stands at the base of the stairs, but there's something a little off about him. The jovial demeanor that he had has diminished and he looks pale and strange. He says, "Stand back, friends, while I do a kick-ass spell!" He goes (electric guitar) and he does some guitar.

TRAVIS: Air guitar?

ASHLY: Air guitar, it's a solo that lasts too long, frankly.

ALL: (laugh)

ASHLY: You guys are waiting, waiting, you're like, "Okay, we've got stuff to do. We're here to save the queen." He finishes, and, in a unearthly voice, like if a demon was mixing with his voice, he says, "God of the old magics, give me the strength to undo the horrible curse that was cast on the handsome, intelligent and super-awesome sorcerer." Lots of compliments to this guy. I don't know why. Then he chants and he chants, and all of a sudden, the green lights on top of these pillars turn orange!

LAURA: Oh god!

ASHLY: Could it be more ominous?!


TRAVIS: It could?

ASHLEY: I mean, no, no! It cannot--

ASHLEY: --is what I meant.

ASHLY: All of a sudden, Torgue's face, his facade--

ROBBIE: Yeah? Yeah, say melts, say it.

ASHLY: Melts! It melts away!

ASHLEY: Get it away!

ASHLY: It melts away, revealing what can only be (whispers) the Handsome Sorcerer.

ASHLEY: Oh! To reveal an even more handsome man.

ROBBIE: Yes, is this an ironic nickname, like hard to be--

ASHLY: No, he's genuinely kind of hot. You're like, "Oh, this is unfortunate.”

TRAVIS: Oh, really?

ASHLEY: I was initially very scared.

ASHLY: "He's definitely evil."

TRAVIS: Like, he's got handsome features, and a bod with a six pack and all the smash, or what?


LAURA: Is he a shirtless sorcerer?

ASHLY: Now he is, yes. Actually, he has like, you know, he's got like one of those vests that's cut just so you can see the abs.

ROBBIE: I like it.

ASHLEY: I'm scared, and I'm a little bit turned on.

ASHLY: That's how he gets you!

ASHLEY: Which, sometimes those things, I get those confused.

ROBBIE: Oh really, really?

ASHLEY: It's a weird thing for me.

LAURA: I don't tend to have emotion, but, no, he's hot.

ASHLY: He sees that you guys are all admiring the abs, and he likes it, you know. This is the effect he wanted to have. He feels like this is going really well. First the face melting, and now the ab reveal, he feels great.

LAURA: Wait, was it him the whole time, when we were--

ASHLY: It was him the whole time. Plot twist!

IFY: Yeah.

LAURA: But he gave us an awesome weapon.

ASHLY: He wanted it to be a challenge, because now he laughs, and he disappears in a puff of smoke--

ALL: (gasp)

ASHLY: --because you ain't fighting him right now.

TRAVIS and IFY: What?

ASHLY: You're going to fight ♪ (sings presentationally) ♪ from the pillar,

ALL: ♪ (sing presentationally) ♪

ASHLY: Ooh, I love this.

TRAVIS: Nothing's happening.

ASHLY: From the pillar-- Could-- I can't reach any of this. Put, you know, use your discretion. Put them amongst.

LAURA: Like this?

ASHLY: Yeah.

LAURA: Oh, the little stand came off, hold on.

ASHLY: Five--

ROBBIE: Bone guys?

ASHLY: --Skeletor boys.

LAURA: Right there, I like that one on the step.

ROBBIE: Looks like they're doing a musical number.

LAURA: Do you like them where they are, BM?

ROBBIE: (sings Broadway-style)

ASHLY: I love them where they are. I'm so happy. It's great. Oh wait. I have a whole box for this, have a little peek--

ROBBIE: Is that five littles

ASHLY: --behind the curtain. I'm very short. Look what I got. A quarter apple, little quarter apple for your gal.

TRAVIS: Little quarter app.

ASHLY: Little quarter app. Can you believe how tall I am now?

ROBBIE: Whoa, intimidating!

ASHLY: It's movie magic. It's movie magic.

TRAVIS: ♪ It's movie magic ♪

ASHLY: So from the pillar emerges a skeleton king, followed by five Skeletor baddos.



ASHLY: And they coming for y'all. So I think it's time to roll initiative.

ROBBIE: Just like that.

ASHLY: Just like that.

LAURA: Come on! I've got to stop rolling those dice.


IFY: Yeah, doing all right over here.

LAURA: Those suck!

TRAVIS: Doing okay.

ROBBIE: (oohs)

ASHLY: Where did all of my sheets go, is the question.

LAURA: ♪ F-F-F-five I rolled a five ♪

ROBBIE: I need a new page, here.

ASHLY: You rolled a five?

LAURA: Yeah, oh yeah. Did you hear that?

ASHLY: She rolled a ♪ five. ♪

TRAVIS: No problem.

ASHLY: What did you roll?

ROBBIE: I rolled a 16 plus four, dirty 20.

LAURA: Whoa!

ASHLY: Woo, a dirty 20. Sandy.

ASHLEY: I rolled a dirty 20, too.

ROBBIE: Let's go, dirty birdies.

ASHLEY: Dirty birdies.

ASHLY: Sandy and Ramsey.

TRAVIS: I rolled a 21.


TRAVIS: Let's go.

IFY: And I rolled a nine.

LAURA: Me and you, me and you, Metta.

ASHLY: Our bad boy goes first.

And then--

TRAVIS: The skeleton king.

ASHLY: --everyone else.


ASHLY: Skeleton king man goes first, and then everyone else, and then Laura, and then the skeletons.

TRAVIS: Got it.


ASHLY: Mm-hmm, mm-hmm, mm-hmm.

LAURA: So I'm in the group with everyone.

ASHLY: You are in the group with everyone, yes.

LAURA: Great, great.

TRAVIS: Skeleton king, everybody else.

ROBBIE: Skeleton king--

TRAVIS: Baddies, Kill-Pro.

ASHLY: Okay!

LAURA: No, no, no.

ASHLY: Our skeleton king--

LAURA: All of us--

TRAVIS: Baddies.

LAURA: Baddies.

ASHLY: Baddies. Our skeleton king, he's a scary guy. And he doesn't really like the cut of-- well, actually, why don't you guys place yourselves, in fact--

TRAVIS: This is more gib. Gib hateration.

ASHLY: -- where you'd like on the map.

ROBBIE: Get me on that ass.

TRAVIS: Where do you want to go?

ASHLEY: I'm going to go on your left,

IFY: I'm going to come up, like I'm going to say something.

LAURA: Yeah!

IFY: I want you to come over here to my face.

ROBBIE: Going to be a target, man.

ASHLY: Yeah, well, Metta seems to have offered himself as tribute. So our dear sweet king is going to target you first.

IFY: Oh, what gave you the idea?

ASHLEY: So cool.

ROBBIE: Yeah, it's pretty cool.

ASHLY: He's going to move-- Damn these short little legs of mine! He's going to move there, and he is going to bring his mace axe down over his head, and on to you, my dude.

IFY: Do your worst.

ASHLY: I'm going to see if it hits.

TRAVIS: Mace axe?

IFY: Mace axe. Maxe.

LAURA: His maxe.

ASHLY: Okay. It's not the best. I've got to tell you, it's not the best, what just occurred.

TRAVIS: For you?

LAURA: For you, or for--?

ASHLY: No, for our good pal, Metta.

LAURA: Uh-oh.

TRAVIS: If you get splattered--

ROBBIE: Please don't, you're our tank.

ASHLY: He does seven damage to you, and he knocks you back four squares.

ALL: Oh!

LAURA: Oh, does that mean you take fall damage?

ASHLY: Ooh, I think it does, actually, because you made a point of being on that pillar. So go ahead and take a d4 of fall damage as well.

TRAVIS: Does he get knocked prone, or is he landing on his feet?

ASHLY: He's landing on his feet, because he's a cool guy, but he does, he is going to take a d4 of damage.

LAURA: He's a cool guy.

IFY: A d4? Sorry, you want me to do it myself? See what I--

ASHLY: Yeah, let's see what the fates give you.

IFY: Yeah, all right. I'll beat your ass if you do it. Damn.

LAURA: Sorry, I'm all over the place here.

ASHLY: All right, team. It's up to y'all. What would you like to do?

LAURA: The snacks on this table are making me hungry.

ASHLEY: I know I want to eat some of this stuff.

TRAVIS: Don't do it, don't do it.

ASHLY: I would not recommend eating those, because they're covered in shellac.

LAURA: No, I know.

ASHLY: But you know, if you get desperate.

TRAVIS: Let's use this new SWORDSPLOSION!!! combat rifle, that is ours.

IFY: Do what it do, Dewey.

TRAVIS: I'm going to click-clack, and take a shot at the skeleton king.

ASHLY: Okay.

TRAVIS: Roll to hit. That's a 15, 15 hits, for two hits, d8s. Okay, oh, good golly, Miss Molly. Eight points and 10, so 18 points of damage.

ASHLY: You see that your attacks hit, but they fizzle out against something. It seems like this duder has a shield.

TRAVIS: There was splash on those attacks.So anybody within--

ASHLY: There was, So you did 18 on our guy, our main man.

TRAVIS: Uh huh. I think there are one, two, three that might be within one or two squares of him.

ASHLY: That's a halfsies.

TRAVIS: A halfsies. So a niner--

ASHLY: A niner,

TRAVIS: --to three of them, the front three.

ASHLY: Our front three guys. Kablam-o. Okay, great. All right, who would like to go next?

IFY: I will. I dust myself off, remember how dirty I was, after I finally left the military.

ROBBIE: Oh, good lord.

IFY: It was a hard decision to make, because--

TRAVIS: Of your estranged sister.

IFY: --the military was my only family of course, before I met my estranged sister, right, so this is me alone.

ASHLY: I think, to get another point for this, or some sort of buff, I'm going to need to get a tidbit from the email that your sister sent.

IFY: So my sister got in contact with me, and at first, I came armed. I thought she was a spy, because my sister, my family abandoned me.

ASHLEY: Yeah, how were you supposed to know?

ASHLY: It's also P-mail, because it's Pandora.

ALL: P-mail.

IFY: So I set it up, and I went ahead, and I did the ocular cartography of the area,

ASHLY: Okay.

IFY: To make sure that it was completely safe. I stepped up, walked in with my big old bazooka. Pointed it right at her face,

ASHLY: At the email's face?

IFY: No, right at my, this is after the email, when we met.

ASHLY: Oh, you met. Okay, I'm sorry. Please continue.

IFY: I had it in her face, but the email that first said--

ASHLEY: P-mail, P-mail.

IFY: "Derek, it's me, your sister, Delinda."

ASHLY: Yolinda, or Delinda?

IFY: Delinda.

ASHLY: Delinda, okay. Derek and Delinda.

IFY: "You might not think that I'm still alive, but I am, and I have some news for you about our family. But I need you to meet me at a far-off bar in a far-off place. And I can't wait to see your face." And I just knew I had to hop on the next ship over there.

ASHLY: I'm going to give you a plus one for the reveal that your name is actually Derek.


ASHLY: And not Metta.

IFY: Yeah, just like that.

ASHLY: Metta was an assumed name.

IFY: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Metta was the name, well, keep watching to find out.

ASHLY: Okay, so you get a +1 to your next roll.

IFY: All right, so I go ahead and get the Turtle Slapper, point it at the skeleton king--

TRAVIS: That fucking name.

IFY: -- but then angle it past the skeleton king, and fire right at the tree.

ASHLY: At the Tree of Life?

IFY: At the Tree of Life.

ASHLY: Interesting!

LAURA: Tree of Life?

IFY: Tree of Life.

ROBBIE: You're going to murder the Tree of Life.

TRAVIS: We're getting next level here on the tactics.

ASHLY: Okay, go ahead and roll.

IFY: All right, that was an eight.

TRAVIS: Which'll hit, right?

ASHLY: Yeah, that still hit.

IFY: Yeah, yeah, plus five. That's true. So that's going to be more of a 13. So let me--

TRAVIS: Where did your card go? Is it over here? Did you put it in your pocket?

IFY: Oh, it fell. All right, okay, yeah. So it's going to be still a d12, plus--

LAURA: I love these cards.

ASHLEY: Yeah, these are nice.

ASHLY: They're nice, right?

TRAVIS: This weapon is sweet.

IFY: All right, d12.

ASHLY: Do you like how I said that like I made them? I didn't.

LAURA and ASHLY: They're nice, right?

LAURA: Thanks.

ASHLY: (laughs)

IFY: That's a 10.

ASHLY: 10 damage?

IFY: 10 damage.

ASHLY: So you shoot past the skeleton king. It whizzes by and hits the Tree of Life. The bullet doesn't seem to be able to penetrate the trunk. The tree does oscillate in this way that suggests that there's something almost sentient inside of it, and it did not appreciate being shot at. You don't see any damage or anything occur to the tree. It doesn't seem-- It doesn't seem like it's inherently of the same kind of-- It isn't made of the same stuff as these guys.

IFY: Okay.

ASHLY: It's separate, but it doesn't like being shot at. This much you know.

TRAVIS: That's outside the box.

ASHLY: Would you like to do anything else with your turn?

IFY: Yes, I'm going to run over to my Kill-Mommy.

ASHLY: (laughs)


ASHLY: Friends, who would like to go next?

LAURA: I'm going to pull out that purpley weird liquid that I--

ASHLY: Oh, love it.

LAURA: --got. Guzzle it.

ASHLY: Okay.

IFY: Ooh!

LAURA: I don't know how I'm going to open up a little compartment on my chest and pour it on in because I don't actually have a mouth.

ASHLY: That's right. Okay, you're pouring it on in. We're going to do a little rolly poo.


LAURA: Rolly poo. I roll a d20 plus 10. Nope, that's the wrong accent. (Canadian accent) A d20 plus 10. There it is.

ASHLY: That's right.

LAURA: All right. Shit! Does it count if it flies out? I'm going to deliberately roll. That's a 24.

ASHLY: (Canadian accent) Let's see what a 24 gets you. (normal accent) See, it's so infectious. Girl, you too sexy. You're really alluring to the skeleton closest to you. It's a real-- he turns over his shoulder and you turn over your shoulder-- Would you like to demonstrate?

TRAVIS: Oh, Laura.

LAURA: I don't know what's happening over here.

TRAVIS: Magnetism.

ASHLY: And that ♪ ("Careless Whisper") ♪ There's a saxophone playing and all of a sudden he sees hearts around you.

LAURA: On my computer screen face, you see little hearts start appearing and floating around my--

ASHLY: He thought that he was lifeless. You know, he's just skeleton bones made sentient. Yet when he looks at you, it almost feels like he has a heart, and if you choose to talk to the skeleton, you're going to get a plus five.

TRAVIS: Oh man.

ASHLY: On that there check.

TRAVIS: Come on.

LAURA: Does the talking count as an action? Can I still attack if I talk to him?

ASHLY: You can still attack if you talk to him.

LAURA: All right, I'm going to tell him: Hey, honey.

ASHLY: "Uh."

LAURA: You look like you could... How about you do me a favor and start attacking that guy right behind you?

ASHLY: "Okay," and he turns around and takes a swipe at the skeleton king.

TRAVIS: Come on.

ASHLY: Because he's so in love with Kill-Bot Mommy.

LAURA: I'm going to drop down my sniper rifle and I'm going to take a shot at the same time to try to get through right as he swings his sword, maybe the shield'll glitch a little bit and I can get through.

ASHLY: I love it! Our skeleton boy that is madly in love is going to roll. He's going to make-- That is a freaking hit, if we're honest. Okay, so he did his bit.

LAURA: I rolled a 25 to hit.


LAURA: Oh yeah, yeah, 25 to hit.


ASHLY: Quite good.

LAURA: I'm over three squares away, so I think I hit that.

ASHLY: Yeah.

LAURA: So four plus-- 14 total.

ASHLY: 14 total, okay, great. Let's see here. Very well done, would you like to do anything else with your turn?

LAURA: I think that's everything.

ASHLY: Okay, great. His shield is still up. You can tell.

TRAVIS: Not for long.

ASHLY: But you know, you're making dents in it.


ASHLY: Slow but steady wins the race--

TRAVIS: We got an ally.

ASHLY: Unless you get an axe in your face, as they say. They say that, right?


ASHLY: Who would like to go next?

ROBBIE: I'll go. If I use my max speed, can I get behind this little pillar here and take cover?

ASHLY: You're a pretty speedy boy, so I'm going to say yes, I'ma say yes.

ROBBIE: I got six, okay, cool. I'll just-- We can imagine it, right? I'll fall off. I'm taking cover here.


ROBBIE: I'ma pull out the Colonel and I'm going to take two shots at the skeleton. The furthest away from me, directly adjacent, that guy over there.

ASHLY: This guy over here?

ROBBIE: Yeah, yeah, yeah.

ASHLY: That's kind of teetering over?


ASHLY: Okay, great.

ROBBIE: All right.

ASHLY: Take your shot.

ROBBIE: Oh, I got to roll for damage. Roll that first. It's-- It was cocked. Worse. That's an eight, but eight is a threshold. So that's two rolls. One, that's fine. Two. One, three plus two, so five damage. I'm going to aim at his little knee caps and try to take him out from his little weak knee caps.

ASHLY: You smash one of those knee caps out and he falls, but he's still kicking.

ROBBIE: Sure is a good thing I got a free extra attack with this weapon.

ASHLY: Sure is!

ALL: (cheer)

ROBBIE: So I'm going to aim for the other kneecap! That's better. 16, which is also the threshold, which means I get three. Two. Five. Wait, but it's times two, two, five. I'm not going to mess this up again. Nine, six, 11. 14. 17. Plus two, four.

LAURA: 19.

ROBBIE: 19. 19 points of damage on the kneecap.

ASHLY: You obliterate him.

ROBBIE: Let's go.

ASHLY: He's shattered. Oh, can I reach him? Can I reach him? Okay, there we go.

TRAVIS: You got it.

ASHLEY: You got it.

ROBBIE: I'll post it up, trying to stay in cover with my little pistol.

ASHLY: I love it. Okay, he's down. One Skeletor down, well done.

LAURA: Where exactly are you taking cover from there?

ROBBIE: I meant to be on the other side--

LAURA: Right here?

ROBBIE: I can't get there, though. I'm going to teeter off. Will you do it for me?

LAURA: I'm going to place you.

ROBBIE: You think you can do it? I believe in you.

LAURA: Yeah! (oohing)

ROBBIE: I didn't think he'd stay.

ASHLY: Travis, also, just so you know. I'm sorry. Not to cut you off. You get to fire a sword from your gun, just so you know.

TRAVIS: I'm sorry?

ASHLY: That does 2d6 upon impact.

LAURA: (gasps) Wow. I--

TRAVIS: Good to know.

ASHLY: I wanted to let-- I'ma let you know that. Then Ramsey?

ASHLEY: All right.

TRAVIS: It does say swords launcher.

ASHLEY: I'm going to move myself up against that pole, so my back is up against it.

ASHLY: Would someone with longer limbs--


ASHLY: Mind helping me with that?

TRAVIS: This one?


TRAVIS: Where you going?

ASHLEY: Yep, back up against that pole.

TRAVIS: Right here?

ASHLEY: Yep, shimmy right up there.

TRAVIS: Take some cover.

ASHLEY: I'm going to take out. Because I can take as many potions as I want as a free action, I guess.

ASHLY: You can.

ASHLEY: Okay, so I'm going to start off. I'm going to take out my delicious Kill-You-A.

LAURA: Kill-You-A?

ASHLEY: Take off top. Drinky, drinkies.

TRAVIS: Kill a guy.

ASHLEY: I get a plus two damage on ranged attacks for the rest of the encounter.

ASHLY: Yeah.

ASHLEY: So that's pretty cool.

ASHLY: Pretty good.

ASHLEY: Then I'm going to take out--

ASHLY: She's mixing her liquors.

ASHLEY: My grenade. Pull the ring, and toss it behind me. So it lands right behind the skeleton king and makes a nice little, hopefully--

TRAVIS: Omelet?


ASHLY: Skeleton omelet.

ASHLEY: Skeleton omelet.

ASHLY: The finest of the omelets.

ASHLEY: Okay, so that's 1d8.


TRAVIS: Oh boy!

ASHLEY: Okay, so it's eight.

TRAVIS: That's a big number!

ASHLEY: 1d8 damage to target and all the targets around it.

ASHLY: So not just flash, but a full on damage.

ASHLEY: Full blowsies. Full blowsies.


ASHLY: Okay, so these two Skeletors that you guys hit before are done-zo.


ASHLY: If you want to bring them into my loving hands. Goodbye, my child.

LAURA: That was my boyfriend.

ASHLY: Your boyfriend's dead. I'm sorry to say.

LAURA: Oh shoot.

ASHLY: It's a forbidden love, you know what I mean?

LAURA: It's all right. I'm freeing myself up for that Handsome Sorcerer.

ALL: (laugh)

ASHLY: Then--

LAURA: Look, we saved the tree!

ASHLY: We do a little bit of damage to--

TRAVIS: Oh, the tree did turn green.

ASHLY: --this guy.

ROBBIE: Good potential.

ASHLY: Then you did eight to our skeleton king friend as well, right?


ROBBIE: Yes, ma'am.

ASHLY: Great. Then-- Oh, it was supposed to be menacing.

TRAVIS: Menacing.

ASHLY: Menacing! Okay, great. I love it. Would you like to do anything else with your turn?

ASHLEY: Yes, I would. I am going to now take out Tiffany. I'm going to take some shots at my boy, SK.

ASHLY: So let's see what you got, Tiffany.

ASHLEY: Okay, okay, okay, okay, okay.

LAURA: All right, all right, all right, all right.

ASHLEY: That's a natty 20.

ASHLY: Oh my lord! A natural 20!

TRAVIS: Let's go.

ASHLY: Okay.

ASHLEY: Okay, so I get-- I get a 12 for that and then a 10 for that.

ASHLY: Couple crits.

ASHLEY: I'ma start with this guy. No.


ROBBIE: It's awesome.

ASHLEY: Wait, do I roll this again?

ASHLY: You do two d12s.

TRAVIS: Five plus your modifier.

ASHLEY: Okay, so five plus six.

TRAVIS: Yeah, six--

ASHLEY: Oh, plus this. So, because I took this, that's an extra plus two.


TRAVIS: Eight.

ASHLEY: Seven, eight. Eight points. To start. And a 12.

TRAVIS: A full 12.

ASHLEY: A full 12!

LAURA: (whoops)

ASHLY: Eight plus 12, so you got 20 damage already.


LAURA: Oh, wow!

ASHLEY: And another 12! (cheering)

ALL: (cheer)

LAURA: I feel like this is the most damage you've ever rolled in any game I've ever--

ASHLEY: I think it is. I think it is.

ASHLY: Okay.

ROBBIE: There's some statistician out there's got to know.

ASHLY: Well, suffice it to say that the shield is gone.

LAURA: Yeah! (cheering)

TRAVIS: 32 points of damage.

ASHLEY: I give Tiffany a big wet kiss again. My baby's back!

ASHLY: (laughs)

ASHLEY: Tuck it back behind and get back behind the pole again.

ASHLY: I love it. Okay, great, who else has, has anyone else not gone?

TRAVIS: Gone, gone, gone, gone.

ASHLY: Everyone's gone, right?

LAURA: Yeah.

TRAVIS: Have we all gone?

ASHLY: Here we go, skeletons.

TRAVIS: The bad bones.

ASHLY: Here they come. They're going to move. Oh wait, I have my little guy. Hold on, hold on, hold on. I have such little reach, okay. As he rounds the corner, does he see you guys? No, I don't think so. Oh god!

ASHLEY: He dead!

ASHLY: Cut all this out! Cut all this out!

TRAVIS: Here, drop it right here?

ASHLY: I'm very professional.

ROBBIE: It's a comedy of errors.

TRAVIS: There is line of sight on Mateo.

ASHLY: There is line of sight on our guy there.

TRAVIS: Maybe-- On Ramsey.

ASHLY: Yeah, I'm going to use one of them Mayhem points y'all gave me.

LAURA: Okay, you got so many.

ROBBIE: Oh, that's right.

ASHLY: Of which I have many.

ROBBIE: Many, many, many.

ASHLY: And I am going to leap to Kill-Bot Mommy. Right here. Get closer.



ASHLY: I'm going to slash you twice.


ASHLY: I'm going to slash you twice. I'm sorry to say. (laughs)

TRAVIS: But what...

ASHLY: And I'm going to do a total of 13 damage to you.


LAURA: Zoinks!

ASHLY: 13 damage.

LAURA: All right.

ASHLY: And that's his turn. And can I reach this boy?


ASHLY: Okay. He's going to do the same thing. I'm going to spend another Mayhem point. To leap toward Robot Mama.

ROBBIE: Double.

TRAVIS: Dang, double trouble?

ASHLY: Double trouble.

ROBBIE: Already two murdered. How far does the leap go, all the way down?

ASHLY: Yeah.

LAURA: I think they're angry at me for seducing their friend there.

ASHLY: 19 damage.


LAURA: Oh shnikies!

ASHLY: Where you at?

LAURA: Okay, hold on, hold on, I got to do my math here. So that brings me to 20. You did 19. So that--


LAURA: No, no, no, no, no, hold on, hold on. 19, so seven, I'm at three hit points left.

TRAVIS: Shield down three health.

LAURA: Three health total.

ASHLY: That is the skeletons' turn. Now the skeleton king goes, unfortunately. What does our skeleton king want to do? He is going to move forward. Surprising no one. Hudunk.

LAURA: Oh god.

ASHLY: Where are y'all hiding? Y'all 'round a corner?

ROBBIE: I'm creeping right behind that pillar.

ASHLY: Okay.

ROBBIE: Just not seeing any of it. (panicked breaths)

ASHLY: (laughs)

TRAVIS: Come on, force field!

ASHLY: Oh, that didn't happen.

ROBBIE: The Tree of Life!

ASHLEY: The tree!

LAURA: You tell us where you want him to go.

ASHLY: He's good there.

LAURA: Okay.

ASHLY: That's going to stay there. It didn't even happen.


ASHLEY: No, that's still good.

TRAVIS: The tree roars in pain.

ASHLY: He is going to put his arms in the air and kind of do a little chant under his breath. And you see a barrier appear in front of him once more.

TRAVIS: In front of the SK?

ASHLY: In front of our big, bad skeleton king.

TRAVIS: Barrier in front.

ASHLY: And that is his turn.

ASHLEY: Okay, okay.

ASHLY: Who'd like to go next?

ROBBIE: Just in front of him.

LAURA: After that attack, Kill-Bot starts to spark and fritz a little bit, and her screen is going to go totally black, and start to reboot up again. (soothing voice) Kill-Pro Defense Mode online

ALL: (gasp)

LAURA: I'm going to activate Deception and bamf out.


LAURA: So you're going to see a secondary Kill-Pro. (jangling movement noises) And then. All the way over here. Just kidding, I can only get about here.

TRAVIS: What a twist ending.

LAURA: But there's a second Kill-Pro right here.

ASHLY: Okay, great, so the real you is over there.

LAURA: The real, yeah.

ASHLY: Then Decepto is right there.

LAURA: Yeah.

ASHLY: Okay, great. That is what you would like to do?

LAURA: That's my, oh, and I'm going to take-- Oh, just kidding and I'm going to take a health potion.

ASHLY: Great.

ASHLEY: Heal Pro.

ASHLY: Okay.

LAURA: Heal Pro, four points regenerated.

ASHLY: Here's your little Decepticon. If someone could put that there for me. Thank you so much.

ROBBIE: Oh nice.

LAURA: Whoo, yeah!

ROBBIE: Nice! Oh cool!

LAURA: The second Kill-Pro, I would say, would've gone to mirror me. So to make it extra confusing as to which one is the real one.

ASHLY: I love it, great.

IFY: So what I'ma use is the Torgue splash grenade, right in between SK and the two skeletons. So you can get this 1d8 splash-- Splash damage.

ASHLY: Okay, great.

IFY: Right over there, let me blow you up.

ASHLY: So you're targeting the skeleton king?

IFY: Targeting the middle, so the splash can go, well, I guess, yeah.

ASHLY: You got to target one of the bad boys, so which one would you like to target?

IFY: Skeleton king.

ASHLY: Okay, great.

IFY: Let him feel my fury. So that, I rolled a three, so three damage.

ASHLY: Then half to the other boys?

IFY: Well, full because the Torgue splash grenade.

ASHLY: Oh, it's a grenade, of course.

IFY: Yeah.

ASHLY: Great.

IFY: And then I move behind SK.

ASHLY: Uh-huh?

IFY: Right point blank, I shoot with my Turtle Slapper to the back of his head and I say: Let me give you something to think about.


ALL: ♪ Let's give him something to think about. ♪

ASHLY: ♪ How about guns? ♪

IFY: Oh, so that's going to be a-- (thinking noises)

ASHLY: What did you roll?

IFY: Oh, nine plus five, 14.

ASHLY: Okay, great. So you get to roll one of your hit die, which is a d12.

IFY: d12, yes. Roll that d12. Ooh, for a 12.


IFY: Plus five on that. So 17 at the back of their head, and that is also splash damage, and that is halved to the skellies.

ASHLY: So 17 was the full, yeah?

IFY: Yeah.

ASHLY: Well, this little Skeletor went to the graveyard.

IFY: Okay, this one right here?

ASHLY: That didn't happen. Yeah, he went to the graveyard. If I could trouble you, thank you. Very small. This one is still kicking, but you did do some damage to him.

IFY: Then I menacely pull out my legendary Tina potion and go: You ain't ready for what happens next. (gulps)

LAURA: That's a really big one.

ROBBIE: That's one big potion.

TRAVIS: That's a hard drink.

ROBBIE: That's like a 40.

TRAVIS: That's a chonky drink.

IFY: I'll let you know, d20 plus 10 for my Bombass effect!. So that's 12, so 22.

ASHLY: Haterade. Anyone who drinks this makes everyone around them so mad that they got to beat the puss out of them for at least-- that's written. They got to beat the puss out of them for at least half an hour. So all of the enemies are going to attack.

ROBBIE: It's pus for sure, it's pus.

ASHLEY: It is?

ROBBIE: It's pus for sure.

ASHLEY: Beat the puss out?

ROBBIE: Pus, it's beat the pus out.

LAURA: "That's written."

ASHLEY: She's gone.

ROBBIE: It's got to be.

IFY: Yeah, yeah, no, it's beat the pus.

ASHLY: You're absolutely right, it's beat the pus out of them.

ASHLEY: But no, isn't it like sour puss?

ROBBIE: Yeah, yeah, yeah, sure. Just a put a lemon up there and it's a sour puss.

ASHLY: Look, you guys, when you tell me I can't say things, it just makes me want to say them more, I'm really sorry. The pus out of them.

ASHLEY: So now we're going to fight against?

ASHLY: You guys aren't, but the enemies are going to target you now.

IFY: Ugh. I made a mistake.

TRAVIS: Oh god.

ASHLY: Okay. That's your turn. Who's next?

TRAVIS: In my body.

IFY: Well, I did my tank duties, I guess.

ROBBIE: Is the reaction to his anger immediate? Do I see that the skeleton king is pissed off at our buddy right away?


ROBBIE: Okay. I'm going to use my quick speed and I'm going to dash right in between the two of them and give a little wink to my boy Dewey over here, and then I pull out this little disc and I pop it on the ground and the Sabre Turret pops up.

ASHLY: Would you like to place him?

ROBBIE: Yeah, right in between them. I'm going to be a tank barrier for my tank. Even tanks deserve a little protection, right?

ASHLY: So nice.

IFY: We do, we do.

ROBBIE: Here's the question. That's my action. Does it start to take its attack as well when it's first placed?


ROBBIE: Okay, cool. Then that would be 1d8 per hit. There's my number, I see it, let's do it. Come on, let's do good.

TRAVIS: Come on.


TRAVIS: A-wooga!

ROBBIE: I said my first word. That was my first one all night! Gosh darn it. That would be four hits, and I get 1d8 per hit, it's a lot.

TRAVIS: Yeah, go.

ASHLY: That is a lot.

ROBBIE: Beep, beep, beep, beep, beep. Two, six, 10, 18. 18 points of damage.

ASHLY: As your turret explodes bullets through the skeleton king's body, his corporeal form starts to turn into mist except that his head--

TRAVIS: Oh no.

ASHLY: --somehow seems to lift off of his body--

LAURA: Uh-oh.


ROBBIE: Mm-mm.

ASHLY: --and begins-- yoink-- to float around you.

LAURA: What is this?

ASHLY: Can I do it? Nope, I ruined everything.

IFY: I've fallen down the stairs.

LAURA: This thing is floating around where?

ASHLY: Where the skeleton king was, so right in front of Sandy.

LAURA: Okay.

ASHLY: He says something quite menacing like, "You think you can defeat me that easily?"

TRAVIS: It's just a floating head?

ASHLY: Just a floating head.

TRAVIS: Just rolled its eyes.

ROBBIE: The turret, upon being assaulted by this head, a little LED screen pops up on front, and makes an offensive gesture and taunts the head.

ASHLY: And taunts the head? Oh, great.

ROBBIE: So the attacks should go toward him. I don't know if that offsets his anger or not, I don't know.

ASHLY: Oh, I think that does, I think it does indeed.


ASHLY: Okay, great, who else is up?

TRAVIS: I will read my man's moves, and I will start to shimmy, shimmy, shimmy, ko ko bop, and come halfway so that I can see him around the corner and I will drop the Scorpio turret.


ASHLY: Would you like to place him?

TRAVIS: Yes, please.

ROBBIE: Turret sammie, baby.

TRAVIS: It is a turret sammie.

LAURA: Does that mean the turrets shoot each other?

TRAVIS: No, only the first enemy that it sees. I will roll to attack with a 17 to hit.

ASHLY: I should let you know that you get minus four accuracy to this floating head. Just so you knows.

TRAVIS: That's a 13.

ASHLY: Unless you are within two squares.

TRAVIS: I should come closer. Would I have enough? Let's see, one, two, three. I think I could get that close. I'll put him right up on the step.

ASHLY: Okay, great.

TRAVIS: Four or five. Okay, great. So that would be, if there's no minus four, then it was 17.

ASHLY: Uh-huh.

TRAVIS: Which is-- a-wooga! Four hits. Holy moly. Okay. That's seven plus one, so that's eight. Nine, so that's 15. Oh my goodness. 15, 10, 11. So that's 26, and the last one-- What did I say?

ASHLY: 26.

TRAVIS: 26 plus eight. 32, 34. (tongue waggling) Math, as always, sucks.

ROBBIE: Calculator, calculator.

TRAVIS: Yeah, carry the one, and add pi. I touch my tattoo, it flares, and the numbers all appear.

ASHLY: Like that meme of the lady, all sort of--

TRAVIS: Oh, 34!

ASHLY: So you see that (powering down) a barrier goes down in front of him, and the shots that happen after that seem to pierce him. So it seems like he had a shield that you got past, and now you're getting the meat, you're getting that nice meat to shoot.

TRAVIS: The cheek meat?

ASHLY: The cheek meat. The cheek meat you're shooting at.

TRAVIS: Anyone within adjacent squares will heal going forward.

LAURA: You placed the turret in a really shitty location if you're tying to get to for healing, I just want to point out.

ROBBIE: Yeah, such a poopy location.

TRAVIS: It also blocks anything in front of it.

LAURA: Yeah, gah!

ASHLY: I think it's just Ramsey and Kill-Pro that remain, is that right?

ASHLEY: Kill-Pro.

LAURA: Is it my turn?

ASHLEY: Do you want to go?

LAURA: Did I go did that count? Well, I glitched, did that count?

ASHLY: You did glitch, that's right, I'm sorry.

LAURA: Did we come back around? It's all Ramsey now.

ASHLEY: It's me.

ASHLY: I just got to see, I got to take another one of these legendary Tiny Tina potions!

TRAVIS: Fan the hammer.

ASHLEY: I'm going to take it.

TRAVIS: Snap it.

ASHLY: d20 plus 10.

ASHLEY: Okay. 26.

ASHLY: Scrappy. Drinking this gives you a little sidekick, who looks like a smaller version of you. They're really irritating. They give you an extra action every turn, and they love you.

But they have one HP.

TRAVIS: Oh yeah, okay.

ASHLY: You or the BM control them and do their voice, whoever wants to. What would you prefer?

ASHLEY: Okay, I can, I'll do it, I'll do it, I'll do it. Okay, so what I'm going to do. I got Birdman and I got.

ASHLY: One on each shoulder.

ASHLEY: What's my name again?

ASHLY: Here's your tiny friend.

ASHLEY: Okay. So, all right. I'm going to lean to the side of the pole so I can see floaty face, and I'm going to take a shot.

ASHLY: You are going to be at minus four accuracy, just so you know, because you're not close enough to him.


ASHLY: If you're within two spaces, right?

ASHLEY: Yes, let me get within. I'll move so I can get within two spaces.

ASHLY: Could someone move her? Thank you so much.

LAURA: You want to go around and go like-- maybe?

ASHLEY: Yeah, why not? Let's do it.

LAURA: Be nice between these-- Why not?

ALL: (cheer)

TRAVIS: Got some core strength.

ASHLEY: It's like when you're a kid and you stand between--

TRAVIS: The chairs, and then it slides and you knock a tooth out.

ASHLY: Yeah, when you're a kid, not when you're an adult.

ASHLEY: Yeah, I never do that now.

LAURA: And your arms are pinned behind you so you can't catch yourself.

TRAVIS: And then we're going to Urgent Care.

ASHLEY: Okay, that's good, that's good, that's good.

TRAVIS: "What were you doing?!" (sobbing)

LAURA: I'm glad you and I both--

ASHLEY: All right, let's see here. We got one of these.

TRAVIS: "You got blood on my floor."

ASHLY: That's a lot of dice. Okay, let's see what you got.

ASHLEY: Okay. Okay. 12 plus this, 14 points of damage.

ASHLY: To the skeleton king?

ASHLEY: To skeleton king.

ASHLY: Okay.

ASHLEY: And... Hey, Baby Ramsey. You want to give it a go?

TRAVIS: Baby Ramsey?

ASHLY: I will say--


ASHLY: Before you continue.


ASHLY: The head explodes.

ALL: Oh!

ASHLY: I can't reach it. (laughs) The head explodes, but one of the other pillars lights up.



LAURA: What do you mean?

ASHLY: Adjacent, the next pillar. So that last skeleton boy came out of this one. This one lights up.

ROBBIE: No, no, no, no!

ASHLY: From the pillar comes dun dun dun!

LAURA: Oh no!

ROBBIE: Oh, I love it, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

ASHLY: Thank you, yes.

LAURA: So many skeletons. Wait, this one lost a butt.

ASHLY: Oh, its butt's there. There are more Jack Skellingtons.

LAURA: Oh god!

ASHLY: We are with another skeleton king now.


ROBBIE: A new skeleton king?

ASHLY: A new skeleton king!

ROBBIE: Similar formation?

LAURA: Can you plop it down right next to Metta, because I can't move that one.

ASHLY: But you want to be a little bit further back by this pillar.


ASHLY: If you could. This guy's like a Knight, here you go.

ASHLY: Thank you.

ROBBIE: We got to work our way in, so not the same layout.

LAURA: Here, how about that one?

ASHLY: Great, great.

LAURA: Like that?


LAURA: Got it.

TRAVIS: Nope, don't do it.

LAURA: I didn't, I didn't. There you go.

ASHLY: Okay, great, perfect.

LAURA: What about this? Did somebody place this?


ROBBIE: I did, I did.

LAURA: Oh, he's too far back.

ROBBIE: Yeah, he's too far up. Yeah, I didn't know the rules when I put him there.

LAURA: Is that good?

ASHLY: That's great. Perfect, so you got one remaining skeleton from the last skeleton king and now a whole bunch of other Jack-Joes.

LAURA: (groans)

ASHLY: So you know, there's one super beefy boy right here, who looks a bit different from the rest of the skeletons. If a skeleton could be buff, he is. He has a blue sword stuck through his chest. He looks scarier than the other skeletons. Then you have another lovely King Skeleton to fight. Are you excited?

TRAVIS: So excited!


ASHLY: You can finish your turn now, if you like.

ASHLEY: Okay, so.

TRAVIS: Did we just become best friends?

ASHLEY: Now here's a question. Does Baby Ramsey have access to my weapons?



ASHLY: It's basically an exact copy of you, but has one HP and it's very small.

ASHLEY: Great, okay, so. Baby Ramsey's going to take another shot at the new skeleton king.

TRAVIS: New, new.

ASHLEY: New, new. All right.

ASHLY: I love it.

ASHLEY: (squeaky voice) I'm going to take out my gun. Oh, that's a good one.

TRAVIS: Oh boy.

ASHLY: Yeah, I'm not going to do it. Okay.

ASHLEY: That's big money, okay. Okay, nine points of damage--

ASHLY: Nine points of damage!

ASHLEY: -- for Baby Ramsey.

ASHLY: Ain't bad.

ASHLEY: Hey, good job.

ASHLY: Good job, Baby Ramsey.

ASHLEY: And that's my turn.

ASHLY: Okay.

ASHLEY: That's my turn.

ROBBIE: Do we see Baby Ramsey? Is Baby Ramsey a thing and not a magical thing?

ASHLY: Oh, you can see, yeah. All of a sudden, upon her other shoulder appears an exact replica of her that's very small and you just hate. She's just spouting-- it's like-- Well, would you do the voice please?

ASHLEY: (squeaky voice) Yeah.

TRAVIS: Commit, jump in that pool.

ASHLEY: (screechy drawl) Okay, it sounds like this. She's like a smaller version! And everything's really loud!

ASHLY: And she's bossier. She's telling you what to do.

ASHLEY: (as Baby Ramsey) I'm a boss! I'll kill everybody here!

ROBBIE: Oh boy.

LAURA: Is Davey into it, though?

ASHLEY: Davey, yes, Davey's into it.

ASHLY: Yeah, I think he is. I think he's like, "This is even better. A Ramsey that's my size?"

ROBBIE: Oh, that's funny.

ASHLY: "Now we're in business."

ASHLEY: It works.

LAURA: Uh-oh. What's happening on your shoulders?

ASHLEY: Okay, that's my turn.

ASHLY: Okay, great.


ASHLY: Now it's skeleton king's turn.

LAURA: Oh, already?

ASHLY: Because we're at the top of the round!

TRAVIS: There's skeleton king and blue sword chest, right?

ASHLY: Yes, that's precisely right.

ROBBIE: So the order remains the same? Skeleton king, group of us, baddies, then--

ASHLY: Then our other skeleton friends.

ROBBIE: You're after the baddies.

LAURA: No, no, no.

ASHLY: You're all in the same mush of people.

ROBBIE: We're in a pod again? Okay.

ASHLY: Okay, so this here skeleton king. Where is he in relationship to you lovely folks? So he's going to move forward.

ROBBIE: Pretty far.

ASHLY: Don't wreck the set, ♪ don't wreck the set. ♪

ROBBIE: You can do it.


TRAVIS: Metta's in trouble.

ASHLY: He is within-- He is in eye line of you, my friend Metta. So he is going to fire a magical laser blast from his eyes at you.

LAURA: This is the king?

ASHLY: This is our king.

ASHLEY: I forgot to do plus two for damage.

ASHLY: Oh, thank you.

ASHLEY: Two more points of damage.

ASHLY: Great. To skeleton man, okay, great. Here we go. Ooh, he does hit you. Ooh! He does hit you, though. For kind of a lot, I have to say. Do you like how I'm not at all excited about this? He hits you for 22 damage.


IFY: Oh wow, okay. I'm still standing, though. I'm still standing.

ASHLY: Is your shield down?

IFY: My shield, yeah, no, no, my shield is down.

ASHLY: Oh absolutely, absolutely.

IFY: Absolutely. Most definitely. But I'm still standing.

TRAVIS: ♪ I'm still standing ♪

ASHLY: Okay, so that's his turn and it's y'all's turn now. Who would like to go?

TRAVIS: You want to go and get some healing?

ASHLY: Oh, I'm sorry, that also should have knocked you back two squares.

IFY: Oh, okay.

TRAVIS: That makes you even closer.

IFY: Yeah, yeah, yeah.

LAURA: It actually puts you right next to the turret.

TRAVIS: (yelling)

LAURA: That's how he feels.

TRAVIS: He's so faded.

ASHLY: Are you adjacent to the turret? I can't tell from my angle.


ASHLY: Okay, you get six health back then.

IFY: All right, all right, I'm back.

ASHLY: So, that's not bad.

IFY: Let me get even more health because I'm going to toss my Ashen transfusion grenade, that gains health equal to the damage dealt.

LAURA: That's huge.

IFY: I'll throw it at that skeleton that dare hit me with his weird laser eyes.

ASHLY: You're not wrong about that. Laser eyes are weird.

IFY: For four.

ASHLY: Four damage to him?

IFY: Yeah.

ASHLY: Great.

IFY: But then after that I'm like: I've had enough of you busters. And I go berserk, put away my guns and break out my fist for two turns. Each turn I gain an extra movement and ability to melee attack twice dealing plus one melee die damage with each attack. I regen 10 health each turn and I actually rush right back in and go: (yells) and I come to this first skeleton.

ASHLY: Okay, great.

IFY: So for the first melee attack against the first skeleton, let's see. Let me roll on that. That is 24.

ASHLY: Oof, that's very good.

IFY: So yeah, I guess--

ASHLY: So you get to do 1d10 plus five, because you hit, right?

IFY: Yeah.

ASHLY: That was your roll to hit.

IFY: All right. 1d10.

IFY: Then that's an extra die.

ASHLY: Then you also get a damage as well.

IFY: Yeah, so I get an extra damage die, so that's 2d10, plus my ability of Brutality, plus a d6. Then it's going to have--

ASHLY: Your fists are like bombs on the ends of your hands!

ROBBIE: It's a lot of dice.

ASHLY: Or your arms. That's bananas.

IFY: So that is going to be 16, 21 damage.


ASHLY: To which skeleton?

IFY: To the first skeleton to my right.

ASHLY: This guy?

IFY: Yeah.

ASHLY: He explodes.

LAURA: Yeah!


ASHLY: Thank you.

IFY: So, and then I--

ASHLY: Oh god, thank you.

IFY: --swing at the other one right there.

ASHLY: Okay.


IFY: This one is going to be nine, so it's going to be normal damage, but that still is going to be-- Oh, well, it doesn't matter, it exploded anyway, but I should've rolled three die that time.

ASHLY: Oh my god.

IFY: The first time, but this time it is the same amount. All right, so this one is going to be seven, nine, plus five, 14.


ASHLY: He also explodes.

ASHLEY: Boosh!

ASHLY: Kablam!

IFY: I stare at the laser one and I go. (increasingly excited) Ooh. Ooh! (yelling) Ooh!

ASHLEY: Ooh boy!

ASHLY: He's a little scared.

IFY: I'm coming for you, skelly!

ASHLY: Okay, who'd like to go next?

LAURA: I'll go next.

ASHLY: Okay.

LAURA: I'm going to guzzle my Dragnac potion.

ASHLY: Lovely.

LAURA: Which gives me an added crit.

ASHLY: Ooh. I love that.

LAURA: To my ranged attacks for the rest of the encounter and I'm going to--

ASHLY: Just to remind you, if you shoot, you will reveal your position.


ASHLY: Okay, great.

LAURA: I'm going to-- actual me is going to-- floo floo floo-- jump up so I'm adjacent to the turret. So hopefully that will give me six health points back. Then decoy me is going to mirror that and jump up to this one. I am going to-- am I close enough to hit the skeleton? I think I'm close enough to hit the skeleton. That looks like eight squares.

TRAVIS: Oh yeah.

LAURA: Yeah?

TRAVIS: Within eight? Oh yeah.

LAURA: All right, I'm going to reveal my position and narrow my--

ASHLY: (as gun) "Yes, mother?"

LAURA: Good to see you, kiddo.

ASHLY: (laughs)

LAURA: I'm going to aim at him and shoot him. But this is going to be crazy because I'm going to get that crit-- well, if I hit, but this is an auto-crit because I'm de-cloaking.

ASHLY: Okay, uh-huh.


LAURA: So I don't know if I need to roll-- well, it does definitely hit, so. So it's an auto-crit so that's 2d12.

ASHLY: Plus another.

LAURA: Plus another, plus, because I took damage, I get plus three crit for the damage that I took.

ASHLY: Let's see what you got.



LAURA: We'll do this first.


LAURA: Whoa. Seven plus 11 is 18 plus five is 23 plus three more.


LAURA: Plus 10 is 33, plus nine is 42 points.


ASHLY: 42 points.

LAURA: Of damage to the skeleton king.

ASHLY: Okay, let me do some quick math.

ASHLEY: Kill-Pro Z21V.2!

ASHLY: Okay, so (powering down) The shield goes away and a couple of your shots hit. So you've gotten past his defenses.

LAURA: I'm going to use the remainder of my movement to jump down here so that I'm hiding behind this pillar.

ASHLY: Great, and then your decoy goes away.

ROBBIE: Sneaky.

ASHLY: Yes, ma'am.


ROBBIE: Yeah, yeah, yeah.

ASHLY: Pretty good turn!


ROBBIE: So cool.

ASHLY: All right, who's up?

TRAVIS: Th-th-that'll be me. I would like the turret to spin and finish down this last skeleton merc because the turret cannot move. Which is unfortunate. That is 10 plus two to hit for 12 which does, in fact, strike true. It'll be nine plus six plus one so that's 15 plus-- 15, six, 21. Then six and two, nine. That's an even 30. 30 points of damage.

ASHLY: You splinter him so crazy and so hard that a shard flies past your turret and past Metta and goes into the tree and the tree goes (grumbles) again. That's how hard you kill it.

TRAVIS: Oscillating tree.

ASHLY: So it's donezo.

TRAVIS: Donezo.

ASHLY: Would you like to do anything else?

TRAVIS: I would. I would like to use an extra attack to--

ASHLY: And give me a Mayhem point?

TRAVIS: Indeed.

ASHLY: Don't mind if I do.

TRAVIS: Four, and I'll get just so I can see over the step and I will use a SWORDSPLOSION!!! shot into-- yeah, into the skeleton king and his surrounding friends.

ASHLY: Okay, great.

TRAVIS: That is not great.

ASHLY: It's going to be 2d6 explosive damage if you hit. I mean, I assume you hit.

TRAVIS: 2d-- I do, but it's only one hit. So 2d6 plus. Kind of crap, four, three, seven points--

ASHLY: Seven points, okay.

TRAVIS: -- of damage and half of that for splash to the other two.

ASHLY: Okay, great. Okay. He's still standing, but, you know, he's hurt, but he's still standing. Who's up?

ROBBIE: So my turret was trained in on the same skeleton as my friend's turret here. So for a minute it has to go, and I have to see-- it goes (buzzes) looking for a target.

TRAVIS: (robot voice) Seeking new target.

ROBBIE: Agreed, right?


ROBBIE: I have an angle on him, right? Cool, so the closest one to me happens to be the skeleton king and the turret's going to aim in on him. That would be, beep beep beep beep. F-- Oh man, that's tough. That's so tough.

LAURA: Foh, man!

ROBBIE: Foh, man. But I get plus two.

TRAVIS: Foh man.

ROBBIE: So that's a nine. It's a nine, I still get 4d8.

LAURA: That's great.

ASHLY: Hey, that's not bad.

ROBBIE: Six. Nine. 14. 15. That's... Plus five. 20 damage.

ASHLY: Much like his predecessor, his body starts to dissolve into mist, but then his head remains. Circling around, cackling, as it has escaped death. Ka-doo!

TRAVIS: Come on, man!

ROBBIE: As that pops up, the little LED screen pops up and goes (buzzes) and it says, "Nice head, dork!" He's taunted.

ASHLY: He goes, "Argh! "I hate that thing!"

ROBBIE: I'll use my movement to clamber up here. Take cover right over here.

TRAVIS: You take any healing that you needed?

ROBBIE: Stay-- I have taken no damage, my friend.



ROBBIE: Unscathed.

TRAVIS: Wouldn't say that in front of the BM like that.

ROBBIE: Yeah, yeah, yeah. It sounds like taunting god. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

ASHLY: Okay, great.

ASHLEY: All right.

ASHLY: Who is up?

ASHLEY: I think--

ASHLY: I think it's just you, right?

ASHLEY: Okay, it's me. All right, I'm going to pop up and I'm going to--

TRAVIS: Pus up?

ASHLEY: Pus up and I'm going to pull out Tiff and I'm going to take an aim at skeleton face.

TRAVIS: Beat the pus out of him.

ASHLEY: It might not have been very good, let's see here.

LAURA: Little dolls.

ASHLEY: Okay, well, I get to do one hit, so. Oh, boo.

TRAVIS: I know!

ASHLEY: Four points of damage for the first dumbass hit. Then--

TRAVIS: Do another, get some Mayhem.

ASHLEY: Yeah, yeah, yeah.

ASHLY: Was that with your plus two added?

ASHLEY: That was.

ASHLY: Okay.


ASHLEY: So. Let's do. All right, Baby Ramsey's going to go. "Hey, let me at them."

ASHLY: I love Baby Ramsey.

ASHLEY: I love Baby Ramsey, too.

TRAVIS: How can you not?

ASHLEY: Okay, okay.

TRAVIS: All the fun of original Ramsey, no guilt.

ASHLY: Zero calories.

TRAVIS: Yeah, zero calories.

ASHLEY: Oh, Baby Ramsey did better. So, nine, 14,

16 points of damage.

ASHLY: Okay.

ASHLEY: To that face.

TRAVIS: Baby's where it's at.

ASHLY: (zooms) The shield has been destroyed.

ASHLEY: Shield is down?


ASHLEY: Then I'm going to take an extra action, too. Hey, Davey. Do you want to get in on this?

ASHLY: (squawks)

ASHLEY: Pick at his face?

ASHLY: (squawks)

ASHLEY: Let's go.

ASHLY: (squawks)

ASHLEY: All right, so.

ASHLY: And I get a Mayhem point.

ASHLEY: Ooh, that's good. Okay.

LAURA: I mean, Davey's got to go, he would feel so left out if Baby Ramsey got to go and--

ASHLEY: I mean, well, yeah!

ASHLY: It's all family drama happening in this corner.

ROBBIE: Sibling rivalry.

ASHLEY: Yeah, there's a lot going on. Okay, so. Where's another d8?

ASHLY: So just so you know, all of the enemies that are adjacent to this bad boy are going to be taunted to attack you after you do this. You're taunting all of these enemies.

ASHLEY: Let's go.

ASHLY: Okay! I love it.

ASHLEY: Oh shoot, that was such a bad roll. Okay. Five points of damage.

ASHLY: To King Skeleton?

ASHLEY: To King Skeleton.


ASHLEY: To King Skeleton Head. He starts picking at his eyeballs.

ASHLY: So, the head and all of the heads of all the skeletons go (creaks) and center on you. Then they see Davey, and they see tiny you, and they're confused and they're angry and they're coming for you.

ASHLEY: All right.

ASHLY: When it is their turn.

ASHLEY: All right.

ASHLY: Which is now. So. Here they come. Although they are quite slow, TBH. Except for our good friend, the floating head. So this guy is going to move. Un, deux, trois, quatre, cinq. Here, but he's not close enough to do anything at the movement. He's also going to move towards you. Whoop, whoop. But he's also not close enough to do anything at the moment, but he's very angry at you.


ASHLY: Oh god, oh jesus. I didn't mean to say that. He is.

LAURA: I like how difficult this map is.

ROBBIE: Yeah, yeah, yeah.

ASHLY: It's so beautiful and so treacherous for me, the clumsy oaf that I am. He's going to get there, and his eyes are going to flash red. He's going to send beams, laser beams toward you!

ASHLEY: Oh no!

ASHLY: Does he hit? Yes, he does hit.

TRAVIS: Oh no.

ASHLY: Ooh boy, okay. Here we go. That's going to be six plus, eight, 10, 15 damage to you.

ASHLEY: 15 total, or six plus 15?

ASHLY: 15 total.

ASHLEY: 15 total. So does that mean Baby Ramsey's gone?

ASHLY: Baby Ramsey's gone.

ASHLEY: Baby Ramsey's gone.

ROBBIE: Oh no!

ASHLEY: Bye! Bye. Then, okay, so.

TRAVIS: (as Baby Ramsey) "Got to go!"

ASHLEY: One for Baby Ramsey. All right, sure that isn't one. Okay, we're good.

ASHLY: Actually, before we proceed, I forgot you guys were so generous and you gave so many Mayhem points.


TRAVIS: We're good!

ASHLY: So thoughtful of you!

ASHLEY: Well, you know, we do what we can.

ASHLY: So our buddy, Immortal Skeletar with the sword in his chest.

LAURA: Oh no.

ASHLY: Is going to use a Mayhem point to rush you.


ASHLY: He is going to do kind of a lot damage.

LAURA: Oh no.

ASHLY: If he hits, which he does. So he's going to do. Ooh. Oh, he's going to do 21 damage to you.


LAURA: Whoa.

ASHLEY: I'm out.


ASHLEY: I'm donezo!


LAURA: Ramsey!

ASHLEY: Hold on, hold on. Let me just, yeah. One, 20. It's 20 total with the shield.


ASHLEY: (powering down noises)

ASHLY: Ramsey's out.

ASHLEY: Ramsey's out.

TRAVIS: Snap. Oh snap.

ASHLY: If you get healed within one turn, you can come back.

LAURA: Does anybody have the ability to heal?

TRAVIS: Is she within the turret adjacent? I mean, she's two squares away. Is that too far?

ASHLY: She has to be directly adjacent.

TRAVIS: Oh boy.

ASHLEY: Maybe I fall.

ASHLY: Look, if you want to take a turn to try to drag her dead body toward the turret, I'm not going to say no.

ASHLEY: But do I fall? Do I fall to my death?

ASHLY: You could also pour a potion down her throat.

TRAVIS: Oh, that's true.

ASHLY: You're going to fall--

TRAVIS: If I cared about her that much.

ASHLY: You're going to fall where you are. I'm not going to make you tumble down.

ASHLEY: Okay, okay.

ASHLY: But you're going to kick it right where you stand.

LAURA: (groans)

ASHLY: Rough. But you have a turn. So if anyone could get to her in a turn, you can save her.

LAURA: Okay.

TRAVIS: Expendable.

ASHLEY: Is Davey still up? Well no, it would all be gone.

ASHLY: I mean, Davey's still alive, but he has no--

ASHLEY: He doesn't have anybody to tell him--

TRAVIS: He's also grieving.

ASHLY: He's in mourning now. Yeah, he's in mourning.

ASHLEY: He's sad now.


ASHLY: He's going just (squawks). If you were alive to hear it, you would think that he would be screaming at the gun, "It's all your fault, it's all your fault." So there's a whole scene happening over your corpse at the moment.

ASHLEY: I'm dead.

ASHLY: Ashley died while you were gone.

ROBBIE: I went for pee-pee and she died?

ASHLY: That's what you get for going pee-pee!

ROBBIE: I'm sorry!

ASHLY: How dare you leave the table!

ROBBIE: I'm having flashbacks. No! You're dead-dead?

ASHLY: You have a turn to revive her.

ASHLEY: We'll see.

LAURA: We can get her to the turret.

ASHLEY: But that's such a waste of a turn!

ASHLY: -- put a potion down her gullet, you can save her.

ROBBIE: Yeah, yeah, yeah. One turn, one round of everybody?

TRAVIS: Well, no, that's just blue sword chest, the head moved?

ASHLY: Potions are a free action, so.

LAURA: Oh, okay, okay, okay, okay.


LAURA: Does anybody have a potion left?

ASHLY: Also, a reminder that you guys have Badass Tokens that you can spend. It doesn't have to just be for--

ROBBIE: Oh, right!

ASHLY: --fighting.

LAURA: Oh my gosh! You're right.

ASHLY: Just saying.

ASHLEY: Oh yeah.

IFY: All right.

ASHLY: Who is yet to go? Have you yet to go?

IFY: Well, the round went over, right?

ASHLY: Oh yes, that was right, the round. Okay, so your next round of turns, you can try to save.


IFY: Okay.

ASHLY: The dearly departed Ramsey. But right now it is King Crono's skull's turn. He is right next to Metta. So he.

IFY: Oh, you better back up.

ASHLY: Wait, he just did that, he just attacked, didn't he?

LAURA: No, that was the sword guy.

TRAVIS: Sword in the chest.

ASHLY: That was sword in the chest guy.

TRAVIS: Sword in the chest and all the skeletons went.

ASHLEY: Skeleton man--

TRAVIS: SK's at the top.

LAURA: Yeah, SK hasn't gone yet.

ASHLY: The head can still go?

LAURA: Yeah.

ROBBIE: Mm-hmm.

ASHLY: Okay, the head's going to go. Metta, the head's coming for you, I'm sorry to say. Because everyone else is, I mean, you're the closest, and he's angry.

IFY: Let him come.

ASHLY: He just wants to unleash anger, I mean, you know, we could do a backstory where he didn't have a great father, but I feel like that's enough of those at this point. So, he's going to come for you. Okay, he hits, but it's not as bad as it could be. Although that wasn't great.

ASHLEY: I want that cheesy puff.

LAURA: Mm-hmm.

TRAVIS: That cheesy puff is not edible.

ASHLY: 16 damage.

IFY: Okay, I'm straight.

LAURA: Well, the top of it probably is. The bottom has hot glue on it.

ASHLY: Okay. Now it is y'all's turn.

IFY: I run with it.

ASHLY: Operation Save Ramsey. Or whatever you want to do.

TRAVIS: I'm going to reach up and I'm going to grab her face and turn it to the side and I'm going to pour--

LAURA: What's up, Chetney?

TRAVIS: I don't know. (stammers) A Legendary Tiny Tina potion. Boom. In your gullet.

ASHLY: Lovely. Please roll a d20 and add 10 to it, if you would.

LAURA: You didn't even put a healing potion in her mouth? You just put a Tiny Tina's potion?

TRAVIS: It's a big-ass healing potion.

LAURA: It's not a healing potion.

ASHLY: It's a random potion.

ASHLEY: We'll see, we'll see what happens. I love it. Keep it going.

ASHLY: We'll see what happens!

ASHLEY: Take it.

ROBBIE: You die a death worse than death.

TRAVIS: It's a 16.

ASHLY: Plus 10?

TRAVIS: Uh-huh.

LAURA: Isn't that Baby Ramsey again?

ASHLEY: Wait, no, he rolled a six.

TRAVIS: I rolled a six plus 10, so 16.

LAURA: Oh, 16 total.

ASHLY: Oh, 16 total? Okay. I was really hoping for another Baby Ramsey.

ROBBIE: Something magical's going to happen.

TRAVIS: I thought that was a-- I saw a potion.

ASHLY: This is kind of morbid. I'm just going to say that.

LAURA: Oh no.

ASHLY: What you get is Bullet Burp. So for 20 minutes, Ramsey's dead body is going to burp uncontrollably causing bullets to come out of her mouth.

ROBBIE: Leave her! Leave her there!

ASHLY: And do 1d4 damage to anyone adjacent.

ASHLEY: Just prop me up, at least, so I'm burping towards.

LAURA: You're like a turret. You're right next to the sword guy.

ASHLY: So why don't you roll a d4 to see if you hit sword guy. To see if your corpse hits sword guy.

ASHLEY: Not one, come on. One.

ASHLY: You know? One's not nothing.

ASHLEY: It's something.

TRAVIS: I'm adjacent, so you hit me, too.

ASHLEY: Yeah, prop me up so I can at least help y'all in my death.

ASHLY: So that's what your potion did?

TRAVIS: Boy. Yep, sure did. The turret is also going to take a shot at sword chest guy.

ASHLY: How many turns is that Bad Boy been up?

TRAVIS: This is the second round.

ASHLY: This is the last one.

TRAVIS: Yeah. So we roll a hit. 11. 14 to hit, which it does. That's three hits.

ASHLY: And you're hitting--?

TRAVIS: Blue sword in the chair.

ASHLY: Great.

TRAVIS: Oh, that's crap.


TRAVIS: Four plus nine is 13. For the last one is 23 points of damage.

ASHLY: Great.

TRAVIS: (machine gun shots)

ASHLY: Okay.

TRAVIS: And, and, and. And, and... I don't think I have an extra-- Well, you know what? I'll spend a Badass token.

ASHLY: Okay.

TRAVIS: To pour an actual healing potion in her mouth.


ASHLY: But you have to do it in a badass way. That is my stipulation.

TRAVIS: Oh. Yeah, (laughs) of course.

ASHLEY: Am I sitting there like, (chokes)

ASHLY: Yeah, good. (gurgles)

TRAVIS: Well, I'd jump up on the column to try and pour it in your mouth, but all of a sudden I'm being tommy gunned, fired at. So I have to like Entrapment one-arm, handstand up above you as the bullets are (shots) and I pour it in your mouth.

ASHLY: Okay. That's pretty badass!

ASHLEY: That's pretty badass.

ASHLY: Roll that big old die please.

TRAVIS: 1d8?

ASHLY: No, the big old die.

TRAVIS: Oh, the big old die.

ASHLY: No, the big old die.

TRAVIS: (scatting sounds)

ASHLEY: Oh no…

TRAVIS: That's natural one!

ALL: (yell)


ASHLY: You don't--

TRAVIS: What failure.

ASHLY: So basically what happens is the potion sprays around and it actually gets on the skeleton and you heal the skeleton for whatever the potion is for. (groaning) (yelling)

ASHLY: And I get a Mayhem point.

LAURA: Bummer.

ASHLEY: Oh no!

TRAVIS: Three points.

ASHLY: Okay.

ASHLEY: That's amazing.

TRAVIS: Holy--

ASHLY: But you do get two badass tokens.

TRAVIS: --moly.

LAURA: For trying.

ASHLY: For trying.

ASHLEY: Spraying it everywhere.

ASHLY: Yeah.

ASHLEY: Like hair spray?

ASHLY: Like it's Crystal and you're in the club or whatever people do in the club.

I don't know. I've never been.

ASHLEY: I'm still shooting.

TRAVIS: That's my turn. And I fall back down behind the pillar

IFY: I turn around to sword in the chest skeleton, still mad, still fisty.

ASHLY: (laughs) Still fisty?

IFY: Yeah, still fisty.

ASHLY: I love it.

IFY: Then I'm going to roll for a natural one. (groaning)

ROBBIE: It's going bad.

IFY: So I fail that and you get a Mayhem point. So then I try my second attack. Oh my god. (laughs)

TRAVIS: Wow...

LAURA: Another one is it?

ROBBIE: Just barely. (groaning)

IFY: Okay. Then... Yeah, what is happening right now? I don't know and I don't like it, but--

LAURA: You were so cool for a round.

ASHLEY: We were so cool.

TRAVIS: We want to get on either side of it.

ASHLY: (laughs)

TRAVIS: Incredible.

IFY: So 15, 17. 22 damage to blue short chest boy.

TRAVIS: Come on.

IFY: Then I walk over to my good old friend, Ramsey, and I'll go ahead and grab--

TRAVIS: Make sure it's the right one!

IFY: He grabbed the health potion. The one that says--

ASHLY: So you're going to go past the turret?

IFY: Yeah.

ASHLY: Let's see if I can... (groans) Nope. It's a fun mini game that I'm playing, which is: Can I land anything upright?

IFY: I slowly pour this potion into Ramsey's mouth while letting a little bit of drool dribble in. For seven.


ASHLY: Ramsey is revived and for that extra bit of dribble I'll give you another HP back. (oohing)

ASHLEY: Hey, I'll take it. But I'm still spewing bullets out of my mouth.

ASHLY: You came back into awareness and living with bullets coming out of your mouth.


ASHLEY: Oh no!

ASHLY: Great turn. That is your turn. My friends over on my right.

ASHLEY: Thank you, Metta.


LAURA: Erm, okay. I am going to stay next to the turret so I can get the healing of the turret. So that puts me at 19 points.

ASHLY: You also took no damage. So you get an extra five points.

LAURA: Sweet. So my shield's back at 10. Okay. I'm going to lean out from behind this pillar that I'm hiding behind. I'm going to aim my laser sights at the skeleton king.

ASHLY: "Yes, Mother."

LAURA: Take aim, fire.

ASHLY: "Kablam."

LAURA: That is 20.

ASHLY: Okay.

TRAVIS: Dang. Kill-Pro's got it.

LAURA: So zero on one and nine on the other.

ASHLY: That was to chest man. Yeah?

LAURA: That was to skeleton king.

ASHLY: Skeleton king, great. Okay, skeleton king. You did nine into that bad boy?


ASHLY: Okay, great. Would you like to do anything else with your turn?

LAURA: Well, let's see. I'm going to spend a Badass point to roll another deception. I'm going to send out my decoy again.

ASHLY: Okay.

LAURA: I'm going to set it from behind here and I'm going to take off running the opposite direction while it comes running out this way. I'm going to run up here.

ASHLY: Great. You have one more of those left in the chamber or two?

LAURA: One more after this one.

ASHLY: One more. Okay. Sweet. That's your turn?


ASHLY: Sandy.

ROBBIE: All right. I am going to... It is looking bad. We're going to be badasses. We're all being bad asses right now, right?

LAURA: Yeah!

ROBBIE: I'm going to spend one of my two and I am going to dive into like a front tuck and as I dive, I swap out my pistol for my shotgun. So you'll get a Mayhem point.

ASHLY: Thank you very much.

ROBBIE: But as I do that with my left hand, my on hand I also reach out and grab, because I have an extra, I'll grab another common health potion and throw it to--

ASHLY: Nice.

ROBBIE: -- right there. So you have that because you're still pretty messed up, right?


ROBBIE: Yeah. Dive and roll straight in the face of the skeleton king and take a shot at him in the dome with my shotgun.

ASHLY: Let's do that big Badass die.

ROBBIE: Oh, the big one.

ASHLY: Because you're doing a big badass move.

ROBBIE: I'm trying! I'm trying to be nimbly bimbly. Let's go! 15. 15?

LAURA: That's good!


ASHLEY: Okay, okay!

ASHLY: That is a pass, my friend.

ROBBIE: Sweet. So then would I roll my normal damage for the shotgun?

ASHLY: Yeah, it's a crit, actually.


ASHLY: You also get to use your base stats for the rest of your turn.

LAURA: Oh, nice.

ROBBIE: Oh, that's really cool. Okay. So then damage, then I would get two d8s. Sorry. This is so new.

ASHLY: You also get four Badass tokens as well.


ROBBIE: So I'm up to five. (laughs)

ASHLY: (laughs)

ROBBIE: (laughs) Seven, okay. Eight points of damage.

ASHLY: His eyes start to eviscerate and the rest of his body or the rest of his head, I should say, explodes out. The crown goes (clunks) and the skeleton man is dead. His crown is the only thing left of him. Goodbye he goes.

TRAVIS: The crown.

ROBBIE: Then I say: Hit it, buddy! And my turret activates.

TRAVIS and ROBBIE: Yeah! (cheering)

ROBBIE: It lays into our sword in the chest guy.

ASHLY: Great.

LAURA: Should we roll, pull that sword out?

ROBBIE: Oh yeah. I got to do it first. Oh my goodness. I cannot roll on that. Seven. Great. So I only get-- I get three. Seven, 12, seven.


ROBBIE: Yeah. 19 points of damage.

ASHLY: So the sword pulsates and the skeleton crumbles. For a second, you think it's dead, and then it stirs and then it stirs and then the bones begin to reform themselves and it holds the sword in its hand instead.

LAURA: Uh-oh.

ASHLY: It's back to life.


ASHLY: It doesn't look quite as strong as before. It seemed like the sword was giving it some strength, but it's still formidable and it's still up.


ASHLY: So you knocked it down a peg, but we're still living.

ROBBIE: And on the LCD screen, a little picture pops up and it's a little skeleton man with a sword going (electronic beeps)

TRAVIS: Dang it.

ROBBIE: He's taunting. That's it for me.

ASHLY: I love it. Okay, great. So you've defeated another skeleton king, but I hate to tell you, now this pillar pulses.

ROBBIE: Is this a puzzle? Is this a puzzle we're missing?

LAURA: Are we because I don't think we could take every one of these pillars.

ROBBIE: Should we be attacking the pillars? Should we be?

ASHLY: The Skeleton King of yore appears. No other Skeletors and stuff. Just, you know, an extremely scary skeleton king, but you guys have taken care of two, right? Only one of you died. You'll be fine.

TRAVIS: Oh boy.

ASHLY: Who's next? Is it me?

LAURA: Yeah. Skelly King? Is Skelly King up, or is that the--

ASHLY: Okay.

ROBBIE: We all had turns. Yeah.

LAURA: Yeah.

ASHLY: Okay, great. So that's our boy.

ASHLEY: Would I get a turn since I'm healthy again?

ASHLY: I think you are going to take yours next round. So now it's--

ASHLEY: I will. I will next.

LAURA: I guess--

ASHLY: Our new King's turn.

LAURA: The baddies also haven't gone yet. All of the other skeleton baddies do they get to go?

ASHLY: That's right. All the other skeleton bodies have not gone. Thank you. Our Immortal Skeletar, I think he's pissed at... Where did you do your cool slide to actually? We didn't move you.

ROBBIE: I would've been right in front of where the head was.

ASHLY: Right in front of where that was?

ROBBIE: Right in the moss. Yeah.

ASHLY: Would you mind moving him for me? Thank you.

ROBBIE: Of course. Maybe there-ish.

ASHLY: Great. Then would you mind moving my skeleton friend?

ROBBIE: This scary guy?

ASHLY: Yeah. Scary man.


ASHLY: Right toward ya.

ROBBIE: But I don't want to.

ASHLY: (laughs) Too bad! He is going to swing his axe high above his head. Let's see if he hits? He does. Could have been worse and he's going to do... I think he demoralized him. He only does seven damage. Could be a lot worse.

ROBBIE: First blood. Oh.

ASHLY: Actually, he's going to spend one of my sexy Mayhem points.

ROBBIE: I take it back.

ASHLY: To attack you again.


IFY: Ooh!

ROBBIE: Hubris.

ASHLY: This time I think it's going to be a better attack. Ooh. Yeah. Ooh. That's rough. Okay. He does you dirty for 19 damage. How are we looking?

ROBBIE: 19? My shields are down.

ASHLY: Okay.

ROBBIE: I'm down six health points.

ASHLEY: You might need the potion back.

ASHLY: So that's his turn.

ROBBIE: I got one extra.

ASHLEY: You do? Okay.

ASHLY: Our skeleton, this skeleton guy, I'm afraid to say, is also going to come up and hit you.

ROBBIE: Yes, everything's fine.

ASHLY: Everything's fine.

ROBBIE: Everything's cool.

ASHLY: We're just having fun.

ROBBIE: Everything's cool. No one can stand upright, but that's fine.


ASHLY: Imagine he's very intimidating.

LAURA: Yeah, that one.

ASHLY: His butt's gone.

LAURA: That one is super--

ASHLY: They're all going to lean. They're a little bit drunk. He's going to go here and (laughs) It's theater of the mind, guys. Then he's going to move forward, but he can't get to you yet. Thank goodness. But our skeleton guy is going to try to attack you. Okay. There he goes. So skeleton man does hit for a-- pardon me... For a total of... let's see why don't we? 12 damage.

ROBBIE: (groans)

ASHLEY: Oh no.

LAURA: Uh-oh.

ASHLY: And that's their turn.

ROBBIE: Tough. I'm a tough guy.

ASHLY: Yes, your shirt's gone. Thank you for doing that. Now it's our skeleton-- No, our skeleton king already moved. He can't do much else. I don't think. No, he can't. Okay. So now it's y'all's turn.

IFY: Okay. All right, well, here goes the--

TRAVIS: Here goes.

IFY: I'm walling out for this badass attack. I'm-- I look at the wreckage around me, seeing my friends get down, seeing what's going on, just fed up. I stomp up to the sword chest skeleton, kick him in the chest, grab the sword, seeing that it imbued him with power. Stab me, pull his head off, stick it in my bazooka and shoot it at the skeleton king.

ASHLY: That sounds pretty badass.

TRAVIS: I will forgo my turn to aid in that badassery.

ASHLEY: Hell yeah!

ASHLY: Okay. So you're both going to roll Badass dice.

IFY: Let's get it cranked up. I rolled a 17.


ASHLY: You pass. (laughs) Yes.

ASHLY: So when you stab the sword into yourself, you hear a voice enter your head, seemingly from nowhere.

LAURA: Uh-oh.

ASHLY: That hisses, "This does not belong to you." I need you to actually make an additional check. I want you to do a straight mastery check.

IFY: Okay.

ASHLY: To see if you can best this basically spirit that exists in the sword to bend to your will.

IFY: Are you there, creepy voice? It's me, Margaret. 16.


ASHLY: It groans as if in pain as you, I don't know, flex, I guess? (laughs) That's what you did before. It's flexed into submission.

IFY: Yeah.

ASHLY: As you attack this skeleton creature, you're going to get an additional, say, that was pretty cool, you're going to get another d10.

IFY: All right. So, all right. Should I roll to hit first?


IFY: Or while I guess?

ASHLY: No, you hit. You crit.

IFY: Yeah.

ASHLY: With that.

IFY: So this is the melee hit, right? So another D, double d10. Let's get that. There it is. Then, of course, because I get my also d6.

TRAVIS: Monstrous.

IFY: All right. Well, that's eight plus my five. That's going to be 13.

ASHLY: 13? Okay. Pretty good. He's not dead, but he is hurt. He is properly demoralized because he never thought in a million years that someone would take his sword and stab it into themselves. So--

TRAVIS: That's a choice.

ASHLY: You know, he's pretty impressed. If this is the way he dies, I think he's going to think it's a good death. Okay. Great. Who wants to go next?

TRAVIS: We're out.

LAURA: Can I leap from one pillar in front of me? I'm going to try to do a (whooshes) and land right here.


LAURA: While my-- Oh, let's see if I can make it stay. Yes!


LAURA: My decoy's going to go (whooshing) over here, and I'm going to spend my turn looking around the grove for, like a lever, I don't know, some sort of thing. Is this a puzzle? Do we have to click something to make these stupid skeleton things stop coming out? Is there something? Yeah.

ASHLY: Give me a search check.

LAURA: Okay.

ASHLEY: The Queen in the tree.

LAURA: Oh, maybe the Queen is in the tree. I like that.

TRAVIS: The queen is the tree.

LAURA: I rolled a five.

ASHLY: (laughs) You don't see anything, but, gosh darn it, if you're not sure that there must be something to this whole shenanigan.

LAURA: (huffs) There is something.

ASHLY: But you can't see exactly what or what you should do.

LAURA: Okay.

ASHLEY: You know what? Can I assist her search for--

ASHLY: Do you want to do something badass?

ASHLEY: Yes, definitely. Such a badass search.

ASHLY: Give me the most badass search that anyone's ever done.

ASHLEY: Dude, here's what I'm going to do.

ASHLEY: Okay. (laughs) I'm trying to think of something right now. I'm going to start flipping around, and I'm going to--

ASHLY: (laughs)

ASHLEY: I'm going to somersault through, get by the tree, underneath Kill-Pro, and be like: I'm helping you search! This is so not badass.

ASHLY: Remember that you do have a bird with which to do things.

ASHLEY: Oh my god!

ASHLEY: Okay, I'm going to send Davey.

ASHLY: Okay.

ASHLEY: Davey?

ASHLY: (squawks)

ASHLEY: Go look for some stuff, okay? Make sure that you--

ASHLY: Davey goes (squawks).

ASHLEY: Go help Kill-Pro and see if you can find something.

ASHLY: (squawks) And Davey sets off (wings flapping) and lands on Kill-Pro's shoulder, and goes (squawks)

LAURA: You saw me? I'm fucking-- invis-- shit.

TRAVIS: What? Really?

LAURA: I'm invisible.

ASHLY: He goes (squawks) and, if you could understand bird, he would go, "Birds have really good eyesight."

LAURA: Oh, okay.

ASHLY: But he basically needs you to point him in a direction or give him more input than, "Look for stuff," and then he'll be able to help you.

LAURA: Can I raise my rifle up, and look through the sniper sights, and see if I can--

ASHLY: All right, is there a little reticle, a thing? Okay, so he sees the red light, and he's going to follow wherever you point it.

LAURA: Okay.

ASHLY: So where do you point it?

LAURA: I don't know.

ASHLY: Just around? You're just scanning?

LAURA: I just rolled really crud on my search!

ASHLY: Why don't you give me-- Well, actually, you have to roll for this, of course.


ASHLY: So you need a badass die.

TRAVIS: Badass die.

ASHLEY: Badass die, okay.

TRAVIS: (distracting noises)

LAURA: Can I--


LAURA: Oh, yes.


ASHLY: A 12 ain't bad because, ultimately, you just asked to do one thing. So we'll say it passes. I'm only going to give you two badass tokens, though.

ASHLEY: Okay. I'll take them.

ASHLY: So the bird flies over to you and sees the red laser and starts surreptitiously flying around and looking, and he flies this direction and he stops and hovers around this pillar.

LAURA: Which one?

ASHLY: This one right here.

LAURA: That one? Okay.

ASHLY: There's something odd about it. Its pulse is a little bit different than the others.

TRAVIS: Which one?

ASHLY: This one right here. He notices, or what you notice when you look a little bit closer at the Tree of Life, is that the branches really want to stay away from that pillar, like, ignore this part, but they're all growing, they're all growing away from that pillar. So there's something going on here.

LAURA: Okay.

ASHLY: Is basically what you glean.

LAURA: Okay.


ASHLY: I think it's just you, Sandy.

ROBBIE: Am I the only on that's left?

ASHLY: I think so.

ROBBIE: I am so jacked up right now. There's no disengage? I'm not going to get jacked if I run away, right?

ASHLY: If you use a badass token and you do it in a cool way, I'll let you.

ROBBIE: Perfect! I've got plenty of them. I am going to do the good old fashioned another tuck and roll between my boy's legs, this baddy. I'm going to go roll between his legs, and as I do, give him a little pinch on the tush, and then sprint as fast as I can to the other side of that tree.

ASHLY: Let's see if I can thread this needle.

ROBBIE: I believe you can.


ROBBIE: Oh, oh. I want to go over there to the other side.

ASHLY: This guy?

ROBBIE: Well, on the other side of the tree but I don't want to make you do it.

ASHLY: Okay.

ROBBIE: Over there.

ASHLY: Over here?

ROBBIE: Yeah. Yeah. Please. Away from everyone bad because I'm hurting.

LAURA: Can you do it for her?

ROBBIE: Yeah, I'm trying.

ASHLY: Sorry.

ROBBIE: Got to be somewhere over here.

TRAVIS: Any second.

ROBBIE: I'm still alive, though. Cool. Just (pants) I'll pop a healing potion.

ASHLY: Great.

ROBBIE: Get rid of that. 1d8. Oh my goodness gracious. Two. So helpful. I just feel real bad. I'm like, "Ah," and then my turret's going to come alive for one last hurrah before it disappears.

ASHLY: Okay. Let's see how it does.

ROBBIE: It'll aim in on that guy. Two. Seven. Eight. Nine.

ASHLY: On sword boy?

ROBBIE: Nine points of damage on our former sword boy. Disarmed.

ASHLY: I have good news for your turret. With his last action on earth, he destroys sword boy, as the BM very carefully removes him from the map.


ASHLY: He's gone! Job done.

ROBBIE: My turret just says, "Yay!" It goes (powering down noise) folds back on itself and goes right back into my pocket.

ASHLY: What a charming turret!


ASHLY: Could you pull that off for me?

ROBBIE: Yeah, get out of there.

ASHLY: Thank you.

ROBBIE: I have another one.

LAURA: Oh, okay.

ASHLY: Okay, great. Now it is the skellingtons' turn. So…

TRAVIS: Skellington!

ASHLY: Oh boy! ♪ We're in the danger zone ♪ This guy is going to move there and this guy is going to move here and they actually can't do much besides that. So that's their turn. But now it is a skeleton king's turn and he is going to move. Okay. Let's see. Well, he's going to move toward what he thinks is Kill-Bot Mommy.


IFY: Ooh!

ASHLY: He's going to make an attack. But he's a f-- He's a stinking dummy that doesn't know nothing about nobody. So I would roll, but it doesn't matter because, whoosh, the decoy goes away while he hits thin air!


ASHLY: And he's steaming mad about it! So he is going to-- Actually, he's fine. He's fine. So he's going to keep living his life, and that's his turn. So who would like to go?

TRAVIS: That's it? Right now, we're up?

ASHLY: Mm-hmm.

LAURA: I'll announce from the tree: There's something going on with the pillar.

IFY: All right.

ROBBIE: The pillar?

LAURA: I will run around the tree and let Sandy know, right here, that's where I'm heading and I'm going to try to swing around and, I don't know, do something badass. I'm off the map!

TRAVIS: And injure yourself.

ROBBIE: Fly into the sun!

LAURA: I'm going to swing around the pillar and try to land over there and search it in a really badass way.

ASHLY: You're so powerful, you knock the leaves off the tree.


LAURA: I yell at Sandy as I'm jumping down: Help me search!

ASHLY: Because that was such a cool move, I am going to have you spend a badass token and roll a badass die to see if you can accomplish it.

ROBBIE: Since I was requested to help, I will sprint as fast in my direction and get my search on.

LAURA: 15?

ASHLY: Okay.


ASHLY: It passes! You're going to use your base stat to search the pillar.

LAURA: Okay.

ASHLY: I'll give you a plus two because Sandy is helping you.

LAURA: My base stat?

ASHLY: You're going to use--

TRAVIS: The larger numbers.

ASHLY: Oh, I see what you're saying. Just kidding! You're going to roll and then add four to whatever you roll.

LAURA: Okay. Add four, plus one because I've got my sniper rifle equipped. Plus five. That is 23.

ASHLY: Perfect! So you see that, basically, all of these pillars are connected, but this is the central pillar and they each have the spirit-- you can sense that there's a spirit of a skeleton king in all the adjacent ones, except this one, and that this one is a portal of a kind. It is the way that the spirits are being channeled. So you think that, maybe, if you destroy this pillar, the kings will stop spawning and that that might help with all the death that has been happening, mostly. Then, who knows what will happen after that? But you're thinking that, maybe, if you get rid of this pillar, then the kings will stop spawning.

LAURA: All right. I will announce to the group, in my invisibility: Attack this pillar that I'm standing next to!

ASHLY: (laughs)

IFY: That was the plan, so that rocks.

TRAVIS: She sounds so much different now.

IFY: Yeah. So first, I'll go ahead and I'll throw my Ashen transfusion grenade that lets me gain equal health to the damage dealt with it towards the skeleton king. Oh, for eight plus two damage to all explosives. So I get 10 health off of that and they take 10 damage. Then, I move into range to blow this little pillar into smithereens. Yeah. I'm going to get up, right there. Yeah. Yeah.

LAURA: That takes-- My decoy is gone and I'm not invisible anymore because that was two turns.


IFY: I roll to attack.

ASHLY: I took him off, or I took her off.

LAURA: Okay.

IFY: I roll to attack this pillar.

ASHLY: Okay, great.

IFY: That's going to be a 14. So I just roll a d12.

ASHLY: Great.

IFY: Where are you? There you go. Come here. Come here.

LAURA: 16 you had to pass?

ASHLY: Yes, you got four, and you got two badass tokens, Sandy.

IFY: That is going to be a--

TRAVIS: Man, big rolls.

IFY: I know, just what I need. 16.

ASHLY: 16 against the pillar?

IFY: Yeah.

ASHLY: I love it. Okay, the pillar shudders--

LAURA: (laughs)

ASHLY: --but it's still a pillar.

IFY: All right, I'm going to give you that action that Mayhem to shoot another shot at this stupid puny pillar. Was it worth it?

IFY: Of course it wasn't. Well, technically, I get to roll the same unless I hit crit. Yeah, it was. For 15.

ASHLY: Okay. Not bad.

TRAVIS: Dude, yes! 31. That's great.

ASHLY: Okay. Great. Is that your turn?

ROBBIE: Beefy boy.

IFY: Yeah, yeah, yeah.

ASHLY: Who would like to go next?

TRAVIS: I run up, following Metta's lead. Ah, it's amazing! I'm going to give you a Mayhem point to swap to my Mind Flayer. I’m going to take a shot at the column. It's cocked. 17 plus two. 19! That's great!

ASHLY: Great.

TRAVIS: Three hits and a crit. That's dope. But it's just these guys. Plus my mod is two, so that's eight. Eight and 16 plus three. 19 ♪ plus ♪ Plus five. Yes, yes, yes. Yes. 23. 23 points of damage!

ASHLY: 23 points of damage?


ASHLY: The pillar cracks all along its length, and from the cracks, these beams of light start seeping out and the skeleton king screams in a horrifying scream, a sort of, "No!" as if someone's life is ending and the spirit is being sucked from their bone structure, and the pillar explodes. The skeletons are freaking vanished.



ROBBIE: It's because they're jerks!

ALL: (cheer)

ASHLY: And everything calms. The pillar was exploded.

ROBBIE: Oh, we did it!

LAURA: Of course we did.

TRAVIS: I took the power of mathematic.

LAURA: (gasps)

ASHLY: You feel a sense of calm descend over the forest. All of the weird mucky, icky, spooky energy seems to gently lift, and you hear, as the creepiness begins to dissipate and rays of sunshine begin to come in, you hear the disembodied voice of the Handsome Sorcerer say, "Ugh! That didn't kill you? Damn it!"

ASHLY: "That cost me so many spell slots! I hate you guys! Whatever! You may've won today, but I'll come back next time!" He's pretty whiny. He thinks that his looks are going to get him places, and they're not.


ASHLY: Then the doors, in the back, where this vault is, they open and you hear a majestic (whinnies) and a beautiful diamond pony starts clip clop clipping down the stairs and comes up to you, and you realize the queen is none other than Queen Butt Stallion, the fairest and kindest queen in all the land.

TRAVIS: Come on!

ASHLY: She gets up on her hind legs and puts her little hooves on the tree and goes (whinnies) and it's probably a horsey incantation. You don't speak Horse. The tree glows a nice golden glow, and any remaining gloom and fog is lifted, and you are quite sure that the curse has been cured, and you're also probably pretty confused that the horse is a queen, but you're so happy with your victory that you don't think about it that much.

ASHLY: As you return to Flamerock Refuge, you see--

TRAVIS: Do we ride the Queen, the stallion pony back?

ASHLY: Do a talk roll.

ASHLEY: Yeah. Ask her.

TRAVIS: A dirty 20. Let me ride.

ASHLY: (whinnies) She says, "Yes." You each, somehow, against all logic and physics, you all fit on her and you clomp back into Flamerock Refuge. As you return, you see that joy and happiness has returned to the town, and standing outside the tavern is Eleanor, so pleased that you helped her queen, and she has your number.

ASHLY: And that's the end!

ALL: (cheer)

ASHLY: Thanks for playing, guys.

ROBBIE: The horse didn't have any money?

ASHLEY: She was a full diamond!

TRAVIS: That is a gorgeous map.

LAURA: I stole one of the skeleton king crowns.

ASHLY: You're still into the skeleton king?

LAURA: No, no, no. I stole one of the crowns on the way out.

ASHLY: Oh, perfect.

TRAVIS: Did you try and get the number of the Handsome Sorcerer?

LAURA: I mean.

ASHLY: Or was it a turnoff that he was such a whiny baby?

LAURA: It was the whine. Yeah, wasn’t.

ASHLY: It really doesn't do it for you.

LAURA: Well, if he had been maybe present so I could really see the abs while he was whining, but it was just a disembodied whiny voice.


ASHLY: There's nothing that really douses the flame.

LAURA: Yeah.

ASHLY: Little whiny voice.

LAURA: Yeah.

ASHLY: Well, thank you guys so much for playing this silly game with me, and we hope that all you at home had as much fun as we did. Thank you to 2K for making this possible, and go check out Tiny Tina's Wonderlands right now at Good night.

ALL: (cheer)