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Critical Role Wiki
Critical Role Wiki

List of Transcripts


MATT: Hello everyone, and welcome to tonight's episode of Critical Role, where a bunch of us nerdy-ass voice actors sit around and play Dungeons & Dragons.

ALL: We play Dungeons & Dragons!

LIAM: We play Dungeons & Dragons.



TALIESIN: Read the room, man.

MATT: It's been two weeks. Some people are still coming online.


LIAM: See you in an hour.

MATT: Exactly. Before we get started on tonight's session, we're going to go ahead and jump into our announcements real fast, beginning with our fantastic returning sponsor, we have two tonight, our first one is Nord VPN. Sam, if you don't mind.

SAM: Flame on! It's the master of the dark net, you know me by my haxxor handle, I just got back from Def Con, and I'm already spinning my webs, pwning low rezzers and fragging cy channels on my Vulcan nerve hack, staying leet. Now, some net scrapers say I should use Nord VPN to protect my system when I plug in. But nah, you're looking at the rastor blaster. I'm hard-wired. Ain't no noobs nailing my nano-bytes. So let's jack into the mainframe. Oh! Here we go. CPU replicator? Psh, I'll crash the code. Over-cranked credit scanner bot? No problem, I'll re-route the trapdoor. Password? Psh, it's swordfish, it's always swordfish. (laughter) (alarm wailing) What, uh-oh, uh-oh! What's this? Red code virus? Two-factor memory leak? I've been sliced?! But who could've done this? (CryptonicOverride laughing)

CRYPTONIC OVERRIDE (VO): It is I, CryptonicOverride. The most leet haxxor in dark net. And today, I shall hack you, BlackWillow73.

SAM: What? The hacker has become the hackee? Nobody wipes BlackWillow73. Only one thing to do. I need my friends at Nord VPN.


TRAVIS: Oh man.

SAM: Yep. A personal virtual private network service provider with more than 5,000 servers in 60 countries. Hold on, getting a call. I'll just put it on hold. They're also the sponsor of today's Critical Role episode. Just going to boot up my Nord VPN fail-safe disk.


LIAM: Wow!

LAURA: Yeah!

SAM: Yes.

LAURA: That's so cool.

SAM: Okay, unmapping the screensaver. Repatching the Y2K. Gleaming the cube! Yes! CybertronicOverride has been iced out!

CRYPTONIC OVERRIDE (VO): No! Damn you, Nord VPN. You foiled my hack once again. But soon I will defeat you, and find the true source of the Ultra Kodex. Your days are numbered, BlackWillow.

SAM: Whoa.



SAM: Guys, cyber security may seem complex, but Nord VPN makes it easy, with their cutting edge technology that shields your internet activity from hackers, protects you on public wifi networks, and even blocks annoying ads. Right now they're offering some amazing holiday deals, including, and I'm not making this up, an 81% discount off a three-year plan, and special gifts like bonus membership months and their password manager app, Nord Pass. You can find all these deals at our landing page,, or use coupon code criticalrole at checkout. But who was CryptonicOverride? What is the Ultra Kodex? Who will get sliced next? Find out the next time Nord VPN sponsors this show.


Matt, hack to you.


TALIESIN: Oh, wow.

LIAM: Wow.

ASHLEY: Did they send you those floppy disks? Like the AOL, you know?

TRAVIS: Whoa, these are actually rarities.

ASHLEY: I actually use Nord VPN, guys. Good stuff.

LIAM: This new cyberpunk reboot is weird.

MATT: Yeah. Yeah, it's a fun prequel to the upcoming CD Projekt Red game. It's all in canon.

TRAVIS: I'm pretty sure those Memorex floppy drives are very expensive, so let's not lose those.

MATT: Yeah. Thank you, Sam.

MARISHA: Isn't that what the nuclear codes are on?

TRAVIS: That's what I heard.

LIAM: Bringing me back, man.

MATT: And thank you, Nord VPN. Our second sponsor tonight are our friends and returning sponsor from the beginning of this campaign up until now, our friends at D&D Beyond.

TRAVIS: D&D Beyond!

MATT: If you haven't had the opportunity yet to check it out, I'm sure you've heard things here and there. It's a great online tool for creating D&D; characters, for organizing your campaign. It's a bunch of resources for spells, items, both homebrew and official in the actual world of Wizards of the Coast D&D. They're awesome, they allow this man to do other crazy stuff outside of this hacker hood, and the escalation is scaring me, to be perfectly honest.

LAURA: That was Sam all along?

SAM: Don't use your facial recognition on me!


MATT: Find out more at Thank you, guys. We have a few more announcements. Travis?

TRAVIS: Yeah, oh, I feel like Sam just lost 10 pounds of water weight in that raincoat.

SAM: It doesn't breathe, this jacket.


TRAVIS: A massive and huge thanks to everyone that donated for our November fundraising campaign with OSD.


TRAVIS: You guys are amazing. Together, we raised over $44,000.

MARISHA: Hell yeah.

TRAVIS: And we were able to help over 1,250 veterans and active duty service members.

MATT: Yeah!

TRAVIS: That is amazing.

MATT: Thank you guys so much.

TRAVIS: Thank you guys for that. It's incredible. Also thank you again to Travis Frederick for his generous donations. It's an incredible accomplishment, and we are so proud again of what our community is able to do in the world. So thank you, guys. Love ya.

MATT: Thank you, guys. Laura, you got a few announcements.

LAURA: Oh, who's wearing them, who's wearing them? We got these badass-- is that on?

SAM: I don't know.

LAURA: No, don't do-- put it back, put it down.

TALIESIN: What is that?

LAURA: It's got Vox Machina on the back.

MATT: Here, if you want to show them.

LAURA: Yeah, there it is. Okay, yeah. ♪ Da da da dun ♪ ♪ It's in the store now ♪ Go look at it. This was by Brian Weiss. He's amazing. And just a little, you know... note. If you're buying items for Christmas or the holidays, the cutoff date, if you get regular shipping, is December 8th, and then if you do expedited shipping, you can go all the way to December 15th. Just letting you guys know that if you want to buy them for gifts, and you're like oh no! So there you go.

MATT: Perfect.

TRAVIS: Do it now! Thank you, Laura. Thus-- that's mine.

LIAM: Oh, I have the minorest of things, just friend of the show Joe Mad, comic book legend and running the company Airship Syndicate Games, they have a new game out today, Darksiders Genesis. I've been working on Darksiders for a long time. I remember walking into the studio and working on some mystery game, and Joe Mad-- oh, alarm. Joe Mad was in the room. Anyway, the game's out today, the horsemen are riding again. That's it, Joe's just a friend and they make good shit, so check it out.

LAURA: Awesome.


LAURA: Thank you, Joe Mad.

MATT: Thank you, Joe. And I believe with that...

LAURA: (groans)

MATT: It's time to go ahead and jump into tonight's episode of... Critical Role.

(cheering) (water bubbling) (thunder) (explosion booming) ♪ Role ♪ ♪ Critical Role ♪ ♪ Critical Role ♪ ♪ Critical Role ♪ ♪ Critical Role ♪ ♪ Mighty Nein, Mighty Nein ♪ ♪ Roll the dice, roll the dice ♪ ♪ The adventure begins ♪ ♪ They were always beside you ♪ ♪ Your nerdy best friends ♪ ♪ And the DM to guide you ♪ ♪ And they rise from the flames for the battles ahead ♪ ♪ Villains beware 'cause you're about to be dead ♪ (dramatic music) ♪ They got magic and flair ♪ ♪ They got falchions and cunning ♪ ♪ They don't see over there ♪ ♪ There's a monster incoming ♪ ♪ Inspiration is waiting, rise up, don't think twice ♪ ♪ Put your fate in your hands, take a chance, ♪ ♪ roll the dice ♪ ♪ Roll the dice ♪ ♪ Role, Critical Critical ♪ ♪ Roll the dice ♪ ♪ Critical Role ♪ ♪ Critical Role ♪ ♪ Critical ♪ ♪ Can you answer the call? ♪ ♪ Dig in deep in your soul ♪ ♪ As the legend unfolds ♪ ♪ Now it's your turn ♪ ♪ Your turn, your turn ♪ ♪ To roll ♪ (flames whooshing) (dragon roaring)

Part I[]

MATT: And welcome back. So.

LIAM: Knocked the words out of my mouth.

TALIESIN: Well done.

MATT: Last we left off, children. (laughter and sighing) I know it's been two weeks, but I need your attention. Last we left off, the Mighty Nein, having sought the answers behind the cult of the Angel of Irons, uncovered secretly, the angel does not exist, and the cult is actually essentially catfishing its members.

LIAM and MARISHA: Swordfish.

MATT: To the benefit of Tharizdun, the Chained Oblivion, one of the most dangerous, mad, hungry gods of the Betrayer Gods. Gathering allies, you found that they were getting close to the final phase of their plan, and were making their way towards Rexxentrum, the capital of the Dwendalian Empire. With the aid of Pumat Sol, you made your way there, did a call for friends, put some word out to the Cobalt Soul, but at that time it seemed the Kryn Dynasty was assaulting the capital via purple worm burrowing assassins and warriors. In the sense of this chaos, you made your way through the rain to the Chantry of the Dawnfather, where it seemed one of the shackles that holds the Chained Oblivion at bay resides. You battled your way through the chapel, through the cathedral, shattered the stained glass windows, freed your friend Yasha from the influence of Obann, and sent him as well as the remainder of his trio below, but not before destroying the now-weakened Laughing Hand. After making your way through the mysteries of the subterranean basement and uncovering the ancient location of where this shackle was located, you did battle with Obann, prevented him from completing the ritual, and left him to die and recover on his side of the planes, but in the final moment before he could be reborn, the Chained Oblivion delivered its punishment for failure, and you watched as his body transformed into a horrible, roiling, pulsing black inky mess of eyes and teeth and tendrils. And that's where we left off.

LAURA: (groans)

MATT: So, as you all look in horror upon this transformed mass before you, I need you all to roll initiative.

LAURA: No way. Oh god, that fucking fast?

MATT: Yeah.

SAM: Wait, I thought that thing was dead, it's alive?

MATT: Yeah, no. This is what you're fighting now, buddy.

LAURA: Look at it!

TRAVIS: He came back as a piece of unami, look at that.

SAM: Oh no! Toonami?

TRAVIS: Umami. Oh wait, what's--


TRAVIS: That's it.


MATT: All righty, so, 25 to 20.

MARISHA: That's a Sharpie, that's a Sharpie.

MATT: 25 to 20, nobody? 20 to 15.

SAM: 19.

MATT: 19.


SAM: I don't even know what we're doing.

MATT: All right.

SAM: Are we next to this thing?

LAURA: (laughs)

SAM: Where are we?

MATT: 15 to 10.

LIAM: 11.


SAM: I'm right next to it.

MATT: All right.

MARISHA: I tied with the wizard!

LIAM: ♪ When I tie the wizard ♪ ♪ I am going to die ♪

MATT: 10 to five?


LAURA: Technically, I'm five. I rolled a one.

MATT: Okay.

ASHLEY: I'm seven. That's with advantage, plus two.

MATT: Got it. And then Jester.

LAURA: ♪ When I tie the wizard ♪

MATT: All right, Nott, you are up first. Watching it (slurping) begin to spread out, its body emerging and it's lashing out, you can see the light in the room itself seems to almost dim in its presence. What are you going to do?

SAM: I mean, we're killing this thing, right?

MARISHA: Are we killing or running?

SAM: I will fire a crossbow bolt at it.

MATT: All righty, go for it.

SAM: Is it in melee--?

MATT: It is.

SAM: Great. That's a 23 to hit.

MATT: 23 hits.

LAURA: What's it in melee with?

MATT: Pretty much all of you except for Caleb, Caduceus, and the Caedogeist.

LAURA: Great.

ASHLEY: Oh shit, Caedogeist is still here.

MATT: It's still in the room.

LAURA: That's okay, maybe the Caedogeist will help us.

SAM: Sure. 29 points.

MATT: 29 points?

SAM: 29 points of damage.

LAURA: Caedogeist has to be really pissed.

ASHLEY: 29 points of damage?

SAM: Yeah.

ASHLEY: Okay, okay.

SAM: Bonus action. (shouts) (laughter) Disengage.

MATT: Okay.

SAM: And I'll take my movement to, out and around, fleeing. If I can get to that pillar and behind it, that would be great.

MATT: 25, 30, you have five feet of movement.

SAM: Five more feet of movement?

MATT: You're at 30 feet right now, and you have 35 as your movement, right?

SAM: Yeah.

MATT: So, you're right here, you can move five more if you want to go this way, or if you want to stay behind this pillar.

SAM: I'll do five, well, no, I'll stay behind the pillar, just in case it does some crazy area effect thing.

MATT: That finishes your turn, Nott. Fjord, you're up.

TRAVIS: Yeah, I'm tapped, I have no more spells, or any feature abilities. I will take my chances and run after Nott out and around, same way.

MATT: Okay. As you rush away, one of the inky whips (whipping) whips in your direction. 12.

TRAVIS: Oh, misses!

MATT: Yeah. You duck underneath and it slams into the rock behind you, the wall cracks, and you watch as stones and bits of broken chamber plummet to the ground.

TRAVIS: That's very fortuitous.

MATT: Five, 10, 15, 20, 25, 30.

SAM: Fjord-tuitous?

MATT: You can get just in front of Nott there, if you'd like.

TRAVIS: That sounds great, and I will send two Eldritch Blasts in that thing's direction.

MATT: Go for it.

SAM: That looks like a custom mini.

TRAVIS: That's a 24 and a 26?

MATT: 24 and 26 both hit.

TRAVIS: Great. 14 points of force damage, and 14 points of force damage for 28 total.

MATT: Nice! As you launch both of these out just around the corner of the pillar. Both of them plunge into this darkness, and you see these dull green detonations of the eldritch energy, like depth charges deep in the ocean, but just swallowed by the blackness. It hit.

TRAVIS: Okay, great.

MATT: All right, that finishes your turn?

TRAVIS: It's bad, we're running! (laughter)

MATT: All right, it is now Obann the Punished's turn.

LAURA: Oh no, no, no, no, no.

ASHLEY: Obann the Punished.

MATT: It's going to do a Storm of Biting Shadow.

TRAVIS: What the fuck is that?

MATT: Everyone within 30 feet, which is everyone.

SAM: Except for people behind the pillar.

MATT: Everyone within 30 feet.

SAM: Dammit.


MARISHA: Biting shadow.

MATT: It attacks. So I need to go ahead and roll damage on this first.

SAM: I feel like we're getting swordfished.

LAURA: Oh my god.

MATT: God dammit, Sam.

TRAVIS: Maybe I shoulda double-dashed outta there.

LAURA: Yeah, yeah, yeah.


ASHLEY: I mean, we're going to have to fight him at some point.

MATT: Fjord, that's going to be a 24.


MATT: You take 22 points of necrotic damage.

TRAVIS: Oh my god.


MATT: Beauregard.

ASHLEY: 24 points.

MATT: Natural one, misses you entirely.

LAURA: Oh my god.

SAM: Oh, they have to target each one individually?

MATT: Yeah, Caleb. That is going to be a 21.

LIAM: Hits.

MATT: Hits, all right, you take 22 points of necrotic damage. Caleb falls unconscious.

TRAVIS: Oh shit, oh fuck, oh shit, oh fuck, oh shit, oh fuck!


MATT: All righty. Nott. 15.

SAM: Misses!

MATT: You duck out of the way.

SAM: Because I'm behind that pillar!

MATT: There, you see? Well done. Yeah, you would've had half-cover. You take no damage.

SAM: Oh, great.

MATT: But you would've had a plus two to your AC because you had half cover from behind the pillar. Jester. 14.

SAM: Whoa!

MATT: Rolling really shitty on this. Like three, two, one. Caduceus. (laughs) 29.

SAM: Oh!

TALIESIN: Misses. (laughter)

MATT: You take 22 points of necrotic damage.

TALIESIN: That's fair.

MATT: And Yasha. Natural one.

SAM and TRAVIS: Wow!

ASHLEY: He's very scared of me.

MATT: So everyone who was hit, which should be Fjord, Caleb technically, Caduceus, you are weakened until the end of his next turn, which means all damage you deal with weapons is halved.

SAM: (gasps)

TRAVIS: With weapons.

MATT: Yeah.


ASHLEY: Okay, okay, okay.

TRAVIS: Spells too, or just weapons?

MATT: Just weapons.


MATT: He's then going to attempt to move this way.

LAURA: Oh god.

MATT: Around, which means both Yasha and Beauregard get attacks of opportunity.

MARISHA: Sentinel babes!

ASHLEY: Sentinel bitches!

TRAVIS: (laughs and claps)

MATT: Actually--

ASHLEY: Sentinel bitches!

MATT: Yeah, it's attacks of opportunity, so yes, you do still get it. Because Sentinel does cancel out if it's for one attacking the other, but you do still get--


MATT: 27 hits.

ASHLEY: I rolled a 19, so that would be... I still have Skingorger, 27.

MATT: 27, that hits.

MARISHA: 12 damage.

MATT: 12 damage, all right.

MARISHA: And that bitch ain't moving.

MATT: Nope.

ASHLEY: Wait a minute, and it's a 19, so that's a critical, with the Skingorger.

MATT: Correct.

TRAVIS: Let's go. Let's go!

LIAM: Guys, it's two weeks later and Ashley is still here.

ASHLEY: I know, this is weird.

TRAVIS: Are you still raging?

ASHLEY: I mean, I was.

MATT: This encounter happened, like it was like a brief pause as it transformed, and then--

ASHLEY: So would you still--

MATT: I'd say you're still, yeah.

TRAVIS: Let's go, do the critical.

TRAVIS, SAM, and MARISHA: Brutar criticar.

ASHLEY: Go for it.

MARISHA: I already did mine.

ASHLEY: Oh, oh.

MARISHA: Yeah, you're good. 12 damage from Beau.


TRAVIS: We got you.

ASHLEY: Where's my fucking things?

TALIESIN: I was about to say, do people still have Bless, or do we, Bless is still up, isn't it?

LAURA: I think.

MATT: Bless would still be up. Although, you took damage, so I need you to roll a concentration check.

TALIESIN: Oh, concentration check, that's fine.

MATT: You have to beat an 11 on the DC.


MATT: Bless fades. Who'd you have it cast on?

TRAVIS: Fjord.

LAURA: No, I had--

TALIESIN: Who did you have?

MATT: It's been a couple weeks.

TALIESIN: I had four people.

LAURA: Chatroom!

MATT: Oh, you had four people? You sure it wasn't three and three?

TALIESIN: No, it was three and four.

LAURA: It was?

TALIESIN: Yeah, because I cast it at second level for four people.

SAM: I was not blessed, because I wasn't in the room.

MATT: Nott was not blessed.


LAURA: Yes you were in the room, you were blessed.

MATT: Well.

TALIESIN: All right.

MATT: If you can't remember, then I'm going to roll.

LAURA: Yes you were, dude.

TALIESIN: Yeah, you were.

MATT: Okay, so Fjord loses Bless.

MARISHA: I feel like I might have been Cad.

SAM: CritRoleStats.

MATT: Caleb keeps it. Beauregard loses Bless.

TALIESIN: Yeah, it's fair. I'll make a note next time.

MATT: Yasha loses Bless.

TALIESIN: Didn't occur to me that I would have this Bless.

LAURA: I know. (laughs) Yeah, I know, right?

MATT: So we'll say that there.

TALIESIN: All right. I know, because I still have my first levels but not my second, so I burned a second Bless, which means four.

MATT: Okay.

SAM: I feel Nott, Fjord, and Caleb were blessed by Jester. It's just a feeling I get.

LAURA: Oh yeah? Nott, Fjord, and Caleb, okay.

ASHLEY: So 13 was the total dice roll, plus four.

SAM: It's a feeling I got.

MATT: It's a feeling you got?

SAM: Yeah.

LAURA: It was Nott, Fjord, and Caleb.

MATT: Nott, Fjord, and Caleb?

LAURA: Is who I had blessed, so those are still up.

ASHLEY: 30 damage.

MATT: Gotcha. Well there you go, thank you for the follow-up on that. 30 damage, you said?

ASHLEY: 30 damage.

MATT: Whew, nice. Checking one thing about...

LAURA: I don't know.

MATT: All right, good to know. All righty, so, that means, so Caleb loses it?

LAURA: Well, it's because he's unconscious. I had him, but.

MATT: Okay, the spell's still on him, technically I guess.

LAURA: Technically.

MATT: So Fjord keeps it, Nott keeps it?

LAURA: And Nott.

MATT: Gotcha. So then you lose it.



MATT: 34, all right.

ASHLEY: Forgot to add the extra.

SAM: Whoa, points of damage?

ASHLEY: Yeah, yeah.

TRAVIS: And you rolled a brutal critical? Extra damage die?


TRAVIS: Yep. Dope, dope.

MATT: All righty.

ASHLEY: It's an extra d6?

MATT: Cool. Yeah, on your first hit. Wait, is that on your turn?

ASHLEY: No. It was a reaction.

MATT: Right, so double-check and see if you do the extra d6.

ASHLEY: Okay, let's see.

MATT: I think we already--

SAM: Yeah, I actually didn't.

MATT: Might be on your turn. Anyway. That-- Obann cannot move for the rest of your turn, so he has zero speed for this. That finishes Obann's turn. It's now the Caedogeist's turn.

LAURA: Please, please, please attack the--

MATT: The Caedogeist is going to turn, see this scenario, see you guys in trouble, and it's going to go ahead and run this way up the stairs.

LAURA: Okay, well, better than--

TALIESIN: That could have been worse.


LAURA: I mean, she has to be super pissed. She was under his control, too, you know?

TALIESIN: As-- is she, as she runs by?

MATT: Yeah?

TALIESIN: I'm just going to yell out: aw come on, really? Not going to-- okay.

MATT: Roll a Persuasion check with disadvantage.


ASHLEY: (laughs)



TALIESIN: That's a... six.

MATT: All right. (laughter) The Caedogeist doesn't even look at you. She just flips you off. Like glides by and begins to merge into the stairs up here.


MATT: All right. Beau, you're up next.

MARISHA: Pop, pop, his pustules.

LAURA: Ew, your hands are going to sink into it.

MARISHA: Yeah, super gross. I'm going to try and avoid places where there are mouths.

MATT: Good luck. (laughter)

SAM: That's just good life advice.

MARISHA: I don't have advantage, do I? First attack. 17?

MATT: 17 hits.

MARISHA: Ooh, that's good, okay.

MATT: It's a large mass of tentacles. It's not difficult to hit, necessarily.

MARISHA: 10 damage?

MATT: 10 damage, all right.

MARISHA: Second attack. 25 to hit... and 11 damage.

MATT: Got it. All right, bonus action?

MARISHA: And then I am... I'm just going to bonus action attack.

SAM: Watch out for those mouths.

MARISHA: 26. I mean, sorry, 16.

MATT: 16 hits.

MARISHA: Oh, wow. Nine damage.

MATT: Okay, all right, so as you-- each punch, it's like punching the side of a cold, wet, sea creature. Like it like impacts and blubbers a bit, but then your hand sinks like tar, and you have to pull back, and as you do, you feel teeth that had since gone around your fist scrape away, and it digs into the skin a bit. Not enough to damage you, but you're like whoa, this is horrible!

TRAVIS: (laughs)

MATT: It's terrible!

MARISHA: Whoa, this turned me into a '90s cartoon character!

MATT: Yeah, you know, "Whoa! "Don't forget to recycle!"

TRAVIS: Oh, wow. (laughter)

MATT: And then as you pull back, the teeth close and pull open and an eye pops out.


MATT: That's your action and your bonus. You still have your movement.

TRAVIS: Holy shit. (laughter)

MARISHA: My movement.

MATT: Or you can stay put, your call.

SAM: Ooh!

LAURA: (laughs)

LIAM: Just Riegel's face popping up.

MARISHA: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, you know what, I'll back up, I'll back up. I'll head towards the door, towards Cad.

SAM: Did she get any, does he swipe at her or anything.

MATT: It's already used its reaction.

SAM: Yeah!

MATT: Are you going all the way up to Caduceus, or are you going further in?

MARISHA: No, that's good, that's good.

MATT: All right, cool. Caleb, you're on the ground, I want you to go ahead and make a death saving throw for me.

LIAM: Does blessing affect this?

MATT: Blessing would give you an extra d4, technically? Because it is a saving throw.


MARISHA: I think it does.

LIAM: Well, that ain't going to help, that's a fail.

MATT: All right, first death save failed for Caleb. All right. Caduceus, your turn.

TALIESIN: I'm going to walk up to Caleb.

MATT: Walk up to him?

SAM: Well there you go.

TALIESIN: I'm going to cast Cure Wounds at level three.

SAM: Two clerics.

TALIESIN: So you get 29 hit points.

MATT: Oh, right.

SAM: Oh!

MATT: Grave clerics, man.

TALIESIN: Not today, motherfucker!


SAM: Yarr.

LAURA: Yarr.

TALIESIN: If you're unconscious, I don't have to roll, I just do max healing.

ASHLEY: Oh, that's so cool.

TALIESIN: It's pretty cool.

TRAVIS: You are the ultimate defibrillator.

TALIESIN: Yeah. Pop pop. Ain't done today. And I'm going to use the rest of my movement-- I can't really-- my bonus actions all suck.

MATT: Yeah, you moved 10 feet, so.


MATT: You have 20 feet left.

TALIESIN: For my-- I don't really have much that I can do with my bonus action, so instead I'm going to use the rest of my movement pulling Caleb further away from this thing. Or can I help Caleb up? Or no?

MATT: I'd say no. You've gone to the process of--

TALIESIN: Can I take a bonus action and the rest of my movement to pull him like 10 feet away?

MATT: Eh, I'll allow it.

TALIESIN: All right.

MATT: I'll say you can move him five feet away. That's as far as you can get.

TALIESIN: That'll do.

MATT: All right, so with the remainder of your bonus action and movement. Okay. That finishes Caduceus's go. Yasha, you're up. Actually, before that, at the end of your turn, Caduceus, he's going to go ahead and use a legendary action.


MATT: To do an inky whip against Jester.


MARISHA: It's cute sounding, though.

SAM: It is.

MATT: That is going to be a 19?

LAURA: That's my armor class.

MATT: That hits you, then.

LAURA: Oh, wait. Oh, wait, yes, I added my shield already to it.

TRAVIS: Do you have a Bless on you?


MATT: So that's 12 plus six, you take 18 points of necrotic damage.

SAM: Mm-hmm, and?

LAURA: Okay.

MATT: And it pulls you 10 feet to a space adjacent to it, but you're already adjacent to it, so not a big deal.

LAURA: Okay.

TRAVIS: Is that Darkness spell still up?

MATT: The Darkness spell is currently still up, yeah.

TRAVIS: Gotcha.

MATT: Because that was cast by the Caedogeist.

TRAVIS: Right.

MATT: All right, that finishes that legendary action. So, Yasha, it's your turn.

ASHLEY: Okay. So, I am going to use, as a bonus action, my zealous presence, which unleashes a battle cry and gives 10 creatures around me of my choice advantages on attack rolls and saving throws.

TRAVIS: Say what?!

MATT: Oh shit. For the next turn?

ASHLEY: Attack rolls and saving throws until the start of your next turn.

MATT: Okay, that's awesome.

LAURA: Cool.

ASHLEY: Okay, and then I will attack. I'm going to keep attacking him, because I'm--

MATT: Go for it.

ASHLEY: Very, very angry with him.

TRAVIS: Mm-hmm.

ASHLEY: Oh, yes! I rolled a 19 again. (cheering) Okay.

LAURA: That's what happens when you're angry.


LAURA: You're really raging. Are you really raging?

ASHLEY: I'm really raging. Okay, so--

MATT: Just to check something real fast.


MATT: Looking at the weapon. It's the 19, 20 critical I think is when it's engaged its ability. How long does that ability last for?

ASHLEY: (reading quickly) Ah, okay, so "while attuned to this greatsword, you can use your bonus action and take a point of exhaustion to empower this blade. For one minute, all attacks with this greatsword do an additional 1d8 acid damage, and it critically hits on a roll of 19 or 20."

MATT: Right, so--

ASHLEY: Okay, so it's just--

MATT: So, ignoring the fact that that was probably going for the previous battles, the extra damage would've probably balanced out, it's fine. But just going forward, we'll say it's just regular, a 20 is critical.


MATT: So you hit still, but you don't get a critical.

ASHLEY: So 27, yeah, so that hits.

MATT: We'll just call that a wash.

ASHLEY: I apologize.

MATT: It's all good.

ASHLEY: Okay, so plus divine fury, so...

SAM: ♪ Bum bum, bum bum bum ♪ ♪ Bum bum bum bum ♪

ASHLEY: 17 for the first hit.

MATT: 17, all righty.

ASHLEY: And I will take my second attack.

SAM: What if we don't kill Obann? Will it like, reform again?

LAURA: I don't know.

TALIESIN: We don't know anything.

ASHLEY: 11 for the second hit.

MATT: 11 for the second hit.

LAURA: He might have to live out his entire rest of his existence as like a blob.

MATT: Carve through twice with the blade. As it tears through, you watch sections of it fall to the ground and then just dissolve into a black oil-like liquid.

MARISHA: Death Becomes Her, you know?

MATT: That's your action and bonus action. If you want to take your movement, you can.

ASHLEY: I'm going to... I'm going to stay.

MATT: You're going to stay?

SAM: Whoa.

MATT: Okay.

SAM: Yasha is mad as hell.

LAURA: Yasha!

ASHLEY: I'm so mad.

MATT: That brings us to, actually, at the end of your turn, it's going to use another legendary action to use inky whip again on Jester.

SAM: (gasps)

TALIESIN: Get on off.

MATT: 24 to hit.

LAURA: Just-- I don't know why it's attacking me and not Yasha. I'm not even hitting it. He must really dislike me.

SAM: Because you're so cute.

MATT: 17 points of necrotic damage to you.

LAURA: How much?

MATT: 17.

LAURA: Okay. All right.

TALIESIN: I'll pick you up.

MATT: Jester, it's your turn. I need you to make a concentration check, by the way.


LAURA: Natural 20.

MATT: Okay.

SAM: Wow.

MATT: Bless is maintained. And you technically have advantage on that because of your thing anyway, so. So what are you doing, Jester?

LAURA: Oh man.

MATT: (slurping)

LAURA: Well, Yasha's not leaving, I don't know what to do. How are you going to get out of here?

ASHLEY: I'll get out.

SAM: Did you chase the Caedogeist?

LAURA: I'm going to back up to the group.

LIAM: -- the stairs and she vanished.

SAM: Oh boy, oh boy.

TRAVIS: Nicely done.

MATT: All right, it's been since Obann's turn, so it does get an attack of opportunity on you.

LAURA: Oh, oh, no, it hasn't.

TALIESIN: Actually, no it hasn't been.

LAURA: Obann went after Fjord.

TALIESIN: He just had legendary actions.

MATT: Went after Fjord, but then it was against Nott that it took its reaction.

LAURA: And Nott hasn't gone yet again.

MATT: Correct, but Obann went after Nott, so technically it would've had a possibility of hitting you with a reaction, but it didn't. On a creature's turn, it gets its reaction back. It spent it on Nott, who went first.


MATT: So Nott went first, used its reaction, then it came to Obann's turn, so it got its reaction back and it hasn't used it since.


LAURA: Good to know.

MATT: But that's a 16 to hit, so it misses you anyway. (chuckling)

LAURA: (whistling)

MATT: So one, two, 15--

LAURA: You know what I'm going to do? Because Yasha hasn't left.

MATT: All right.

LAURA: I'm going to back up into the inky darkness.

MATT: Mm-hmm.

SAM: Of the Darkness spell.

LAURA: Into the inky darkness.

MATT: You got it, all right. You are currently blind inside that shadow.

LAURA: Okay. I'm going to cast, I'm going to Invoke Duplicity.

MATT: Okay.

TRAVIS: Ooh. Interesting.

MATT: Before you go in?

LAURA: No, inside of it.

MATT: Okay. Is it somewhere you can see? Does it say as part of the ability?

LAURA: Well, I-- fuck me running. (Laura sighs)

SAM: Spells.

LAURA: Shut up, it's not spells, it's features.

MATT: Features. (Travis and Matt laughing)

LAURA: It must remain within 120 feet of me. I don't think, I can move it outside of where I can see, but I have to cast it within, let's see. The illusion appears within 30 feet of me.

MATT: Appears, doesn't say "in a space you can see." So yeah, all right, then you can create it wherever you'd like--

LAURA: I'm going to create it within the darkness as well, and I'm going to make it run out of the darkness towards the group.

MATT: This way. All right.

SAM: Hmm, clever girl.

TALIESIN: Clever girl.

MATT: Okay. That finishes your turn, Jester. At the end of Jester's turn, it's going to use its last legendary action to do Shadow Slip.

SAM: What's that?

TRAVIS: I don't think it's good.

MATT: You watch as the light in the chamber quakes a bit and dims, and long shadows that are being drawn from the pillars around it. It (slurping) shifts and teleports over to this side of the chamber, causing this pillar to break and fall. Jester, I need you to make a dexterity saving throw, with disadvantage.

TALIESIN: Although you have--

LAURA: Yasha hasn't gone again, so I have a straight roll.

MATT: You do. You just hear the sound of it cracking--

LAURA: God, this dice! It's gone from 20 to one to 20 to one, so I rolled a one.

MATT: Okay, so the pillar does fall, unfortunately, crack down over where you are. You suffer seven points of bludgeoning damage, as it just like slams into the back of your shoulders and neck, you fall down to one knee.

TALIESIN: I don't think you get an attack of opportunity.

LAURA: I'll roll a concentration check.

MATT: Correct, which by the way, the Blesses do fade, because you cannot concentrate on--

LAURA: Oh, right, twice, you're right.

ASHLEY: Do I get an attack of opportunity?

MATT: You do not, because part of its movement is it does not provoke attacks of opportunity.

TALIESIN: Hmm. (sighs) Okay, so no running.

LAURA: So its turn is before Nott? Or this was a legendary, Jesus.

TALIESIN: Three legendary actions.

LAURA: Jesus, I hate this thing.

TALIESIN: Yep, yep, this is stupid.

MATT: So Nott, it's your turn.

SAM: Is it engaged with anybody?

MATT: It's current engaged, technically with Caleb.

TALIESIN: Sorry, man.

LIAM: It's all right.

SAM: All right, ah! I will fire my crossbow bolt at it.

TRAVIS: Crossbow bolt! (Travis and Marisha laughing)

SAM: I'll aim for one of those mouths. Ew, 14.

TALIESIN: You have advantage.

SAM: I do?

MATT: You do, because of Yasha's shout. Yasha's battle cry in the middle of the chamber, instilling you with--

SAM: 20.

MATT: That does hit.

SAM: Thank you, Yasha.

TALIESIN: Whoa. Whoa.

SAM: Terrible, no, 26 points of damage.

MATT: Nice.

SAM: Oh man, my Caleb is right there. How can I get him to safety? Ooh goo goo. Well, think about number one first. (laughter) I mean, I'm not strong enough to drag him, so, Caduceus, protect my Caleb! And I'll fire again and hide behind the pillar.

MATT: Okay.

SAM: Natural 20.


TRAVIS: Let's go!

SAM: Rolling for damage, that's nine points of damage. It fires again.

MATT: Yes, it does.

SAM: For a 15.

MATT: 15 just hits.

SAM: It hits! Another 11 points of damage.

MATT: Nice, good round for Nott.

TRAVIS: 44 points of damage.

MATT: (automatic gunfire)

SAM: (whimpering) Then I will swing around that pillar and hide there shakily.

MATT: All righty. Next to Yasha?

SAM: Yeah, yeah, yeah.

MATT: All right, you got it. Finishing Nott's go, Fjord, you're up.

TRAVIS: Yeah, I will slide back just a little bit here so I can keep my eyes on that bastard, and two more Eldritch Blasts at it.

MATT: Go for it.

TRAVIS: A 17 and a 14.

MATT: 17 hits, so one of them does make contact.

TALIESIN: Is that both with advantage?

TRAVIS: No, they are not.

MATT: Is it attacks or is it melee attacks?

ASHLEY: Attacks and saving, oh.

MATT: Double-check. Because that would actually change based on it.

ASHLEY: Let me double-check. You gain advantage on attack rolls and saving throws.

MATT: Attack rolls, yeah, so you get advantage on both of those.

SAM: Wow, this shout is awesome.

TRAVIS: That's a 22 and a, the second one still misses.

MATT: Okay.

TRAVIS: I just did one and one and two and two. That's 15 points of force damage.

MATT: 15 points of force damage. It impacts. You see it almost swallows it, and on the inside, one of the eyes bulges and then rolls out and splats on the ground.


MATT: You can see its body is starting to show some tear. It's starting to like, slop a bit and beginning to come a little apart at the seams.

TRAVIS: I have 15 more feet of movement. Can I just use it to keep going back towards that back corner? Just try and get as far back as I can.

MATT: Yeah, sure.

ASHLEY: Keep doing this?

TRAVIS: I can't run past it, yeah.

TALIESIN: As long as no one goes down, there's some cool stuff I can do, but people keep going down.

MATT: All right. It's now Obann the Punished's turn.


TALIESIN: Cool, cool, cool.

MATT: Does not get its Storm of Biting Shadow back, so instead it's going to make three inky whip attacks.

SAM: Inky whip.

MATT: Inky whip.

LIAM: Diary of an Inky Whip.

MATT: One of them is going to be at Caduceus.


MATT: That's a natural 20.

SAM: Ooh.


TALIESIN: I will cancel the natural 20, at least, as my reaction.

MATT: Because you can do that.

TALIESIN: I can do that.

MATT: All right, good call, good call. All right, so you take 16 points of necrotic damage and are pulled 10 feet adjacent--


MATT: -- to Obann, it's going to make a strike at--

TALIESIN: 16 points?

MATT: 16 points. It's going to make a strike at illusion Jester, and misses. It's going to take a strike at real Jester, because it has blindsight.

LAURA: Fuck me.

ASHLEY: (groans)


SAM: Oh, what?

MATT: Natural one.


SAM: Yes, yes.

MATT: And it's going to use its jagged bite attack on Caleb, who's on the ground.

LIAM: Got to.

MATT: So you watch now as the tendrils like (whipping) start whipping in different directions. Part of the center of its body like opens, like a weird, unfolding mouth with teeth, and lunges down towards Caleb.

LAURA: Mm, mm-mm.

MATT: That's a 22 to hit.

LIAM: Hits.

MATT: All right. Caleb, you suffer from the attack...

(dice rattling)

SAM: Oh. Sounded like a lot.

MARISHA: Yeah, it did.

MATT: It didn't roll very well, though. Take 21 points of piercing damage.

TALIESIN: You still up?

LAURA: Yeah, yeah.

MATT: And I need you to make a strength saving throw.

LIAM: Okay, hold on.

TALIESIN: With advantage.

LIAM: Blessed still, too?


LIAM: No, so strength, 17.

MATT: 17. You are swallowed.

TRAVIS, LAURA, and SAM: (gasping)

MARISHA: Yeah, now we're killing it, yeah.

SAM: No!

LAURA and TALIESIN: Cool, cool, cool, cool.

MATT: So you watch as the mouth closes around Caleb and then just engulfs him.

LIAM: Ooh, Scheiße!

MATT: (chuckles)

MARISHA: ♪ Watch him whip, ♪

TRAVIS: Oh, Matt. From the first melee attack he made against me--

MARISHA: ♪ watch him num-num ♪

TRAVIS: -- he takes five points of radiant damage.

MATT: Ooh, good call.

TRAVIS: From the sword.

MATT: Thank you for that, good call. All right. That finishes Obann's turn.

ASHLEY: That might be my favorite thing you've ever said. ♪ Oh watch him num-num ♪

MATT: Seeing it come close, and it now showing some wear and tear, watching you get eaten.

SAM: Oh no, it's going to try to leave.

LAURA: Mm-mm, mm-mm, mm-mm.

SAM: Fjord, get ready.

MATT: Caedogeist vanishes into the floor.


MATT: And then pops--

LAURA: And she-- yes!

SAM: To help, or?

MATT: And is going to strike Obann the Punished.


LAURA: Caedogeist! I knew she was cool.


MATT: All right.

TRAVIS: Dead for thousands of years, totally cool. Hundreds of years. Dead for a while?

MATT: Created by a union between Lolth and Asmodeus, totally cool.

TRAVIS: Super cool.

TALIESIN: Everyone's got weird parents.

MARISHA: (laughs)

MATT: Natural 20. And a--


MATT: Yeah, both hit.

TALIESIN: Sneak attack.

LAURA: Caedogeist gets the how do you want to do this.

MATT: It does get sneak attack on the natural 20. Which is really nasty, actually.

TRAVIS: Come on, come on.

TALIESIN: Just mentioning that.

ASHLEY: Come on, come on, come on.

MATT: Shitty roll, though.


LAURA: Come on, Matt, get a how do I want to do this?

TRAVIS: That would be great.

ASHLEY: That would be cool.

MARISHA: We all get to tell it to him? How would it work?

TRAVIS: It's like an ouroboros, eats itself.

MARISHA: We're stuck in a loop for the rest of time.

MATT: 40 points of damage on that crit, which is not bad. Not great, but not bad. It is immune to poison, so unaffected by that, and its second attack is going to be--

SAM: Come on, Caedo.

ASHLEY: Howdy doody do dis?

TRAVIS: Come on, Geist.

MATT: 11 points of damage, okay. That is going to end the Caedogeist's turn.

SAM: It's good.

TALIESIN: That was pretty good, though.

MATT: That brings us to, actually, at the end of Caedogeist's turn, it's going to go ahead and do another legendary action, now that it got them all back. It is going to use two of its actions to Spill Darkness. You watch as now mouths begin to fold in, the toothy jaws begin to disappear, and eyes begin to emerge where they are, but the eyes are black. Just these like black sclera, reflective dark surfaces, and as it does, this ink-like black smoke begin to pour out of them.

LIAM: Nah.

MATT: Within a 20 foot radius around.

LAURA: You don't see it, because you're swallowed.

MATT: So this entire space here.

SAM: Oh god.

MATT: Everyone except for Yasha and Fjord, you are engulfed in magical darkness.

TRAVIS: Fucking shit!

MATT: You cannot see.

LAURA: And Nott, Nott is out of the darkness too.

MATT: Oh yeah, Nott, sorry. You were hidden literally behind the pillar. You stealthed away from the DM.



MATT: That's going to finish that go. Beau, you're up first.

MARISHA: So even with my goggles, it's still dark?

MATT: It's not standard darkness, this is magical darkness. You are blind.

MARISHA: So I have disadvantage on my attacks?

MATT: Yes.

SAM: Yeah, but you're a monk.

MARISHA: But with Yasha's stuff, it balances?

MATT: Balances out, I would say, yeah.


SAM: But you're a monk.

MARISHA: That was going to be so cool.

SAM: Don't you have like, heightened senses or something?

TRAVIS: Can see through abyssal blackness.

SAM: Fight by the sense of smell?

LAURA: Her hearing is really, really, really good.

SAM: Taste the air?

MARISHA: No. I don't have anything like that.

SAM: Can we just say that you do?

MARISHA: (laughs) All right, well, I'm going to crack my neck and (exhales), just close my eyes anyway, because I can't fucking see, and start wailing on this guy.

MATT: All right, so you move in--

MARISHA: Spit. Out. The wizard!

MATT: -- to where you saw it last, and trying, still inspired by Yasha's scream of vengeance, you rush in and hope you make contact. So just straight rolls.

TRAVIS: (sighs)


MATT: 13 misses.


MATT: Does hit.

MARISHA: These are all garbage rolls, 10.

MATT: 10 damage, all righty. Bonus action?

MARISHA: I'm going to use my last ki point to Flurry of Blows.

MATT: Okay, two more strikes, straight rolls.

MARISHA: I hope that's not a mistake.

MATT: We'll find out.

MARISHA: Two more hits.

LIAM: Natural one.

LAURA: No! No!


MATT: All right, so that one does hit.


MATT: 10 points of damage a second time. So you go and swing wildly, the first one just goes wide, the second one impacts inside it, "I found it!" You go to punch a second time in the same direction, and you find nothing, and right as you reach in, something closes on your arm. As soon as the teeth begin to pierce the flesh, you react and pull your hand out. It scrapes, not enough to do damage, but you pull out just as you hear it slam right behind, and then get one final kick in before you're like, "Okay, that was bad."

MARISHA: That was harder than I thought. I thought I was going to be a badass, but that, actually-- I'm not.

TRAVIS: Uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh.

MATT: Finish your turn, Beau?

MARISHA: Uh-huh.

MATT: All right, Caleb.

LIAM: Is Caleb able to cast at all?

MATT: Caleb, you are, you're able to cast if you'd like. You...

LAURA: Oh my god.

MATT: You are blind and restrained.


MATT: Yeah, that's it.

LIAM: But he's able to do somatic, or?

MATT: Yeah, you can.

LIAM: Caleb turns into a giant ape.

TRAVIS: (inhales)

MATT: A giant ape, okay.

MARISHA: What if it just stretches around you?

MATT: What size is a giant ape? Large?

SAM: Oh yeah, this thing doesn't have, like, bones.

LIAM: Huge.

LAURA: It's like a ball sack.

SAM: (laughs) It's a huge testicle.

MATT: I'm going to make a constitution saving throw. Make an intelligence check for me. Roll a d20 and add your intelligence modifier.

LIAM: As the ape, yeah?

MATT: Yes. Or as Caleb, casting a spell.

LIAM: Oh, okay. (humming) Just straight intelligence?

MATT: Correct.

LIAM: 28.

MATT: 28. Okay. Yeah. You emerge, after being spit out into shadow, prone, as a giant ape, which I don't have a giant ape huge mini, because that was unexpected.

TRAVIS: (laughs)

MATT: But for size, here. We'll just use this. So you know the huge size.

LAURA: Whoa.

SAM: Damn.

MATT: You are the size of the creature that just devoured you.

SAM: Whoa.

MATT: So you are spit out onto the side. No damage taken, but you are regurgitated.

LIAM: Mm-hmm. I will use my movement to stand.

MATT: So half movement, you get back up, and you're just blind still. You're no longer burning and like, feeling 1,000 teeth carving away at you from the inside as you tear your way out of the interior of this creature, and now it's just darkness around you.

LIAM: Are we deafened as well, or just blind?

MATT: Just blind.

LIAM: Then everyone hears (grunting, roars).

LAURA: Oh god, what's happening now?!

SAM: There's another monster?!



MATT: Do you stay where you are, or do you want to move?

LIAM: I used my action to cast.

MATT: Use your action to cast, you still have your movement as your ape.

LIAM: Oh, to get up?

MATT: You used half your speed, so you still have half the ape's speed.

LIAM: Oh, well, I will feel around and try to feel the squish.

MATT: Okay.

LIAM: And try to tear the thing apart, which I don't have economy to do, but I'm just going to use my ape fists to feel for the squishy thing.

MATT: Do you have reach? As an ape.

SAM: ♪ Come on, feel the squish ♪

TRAVIS: How far can an ape reach?

LIAM: Reach 10 feet.

MATT: So yeah, you reach around and you gather generally where it is, and you can hear the sound of it, too. (slurping)

LIAM: Okay. I'm getting ready, I'm pissed off.

MATT: All right, cool. That finishes Caleb's go.

LIAM: (breathing heavily)

MATT: End of Caleb's turn, it's going to use another inky whip attack. This one's going to be at, let's say Caduceus.

TRAVIS: ♪ Inky whip ♪

ASHLEY: ♪ Watch me num-num ♪

MATT: 28 to hit.

TALIESIN: Oh yeah, that hits.

MATT: All right.

TALIESIN: Back off.

LIAM: 157 hit point healing spell.

MATT: You take 20 points of necrotic damage.

TALIESIN: Fudge you.

LAURA: 20 points?!

MATT: Yep. And you are pulled towards it, but you already are there next to it.

TALIESIN: Already there.

MATT: Caduceus, it's your turn.

TALIESIN: So I have a verbal somatic spell, which is an action to cast at the creature. What's the deal with casting that in blind?

MATT: If the spell says "a creature you can see."

TALIESIN: "Creature within range," no.

MATT: Then you can just cast it in that direction.

LAURA: Fuck yeah.


MATT: Yeah, certain spells require you to see the target, in which case the blindness would prevent you from--

TALIESIN: So Ray of Enfeeblement would technically work here, then.

MATT: It would. As a ray, you still have to roll to hit, correct?

TALIESIN: No, it's a con save.

MATT: Hmm, I thought ray spells, all right.

TALIESIN: Yeah, you'd think.

MATT: Okay. Is this a grave cleric thing, too?

TALIESIN: That I cannot tell you.

MATT: No, "make a ranged spell attack against the target." It is.

TALIESIN: Okay, because it says "attack save: con 17."

MATT: Right, at the end of each of its turns, it makes a save to resist the effect.


MATT: I remember you forgot that last time.

LAURA: Okay, okay.

MATT: Yeah, most ray spells, as part of the rays, you still have to aim to fire, so.

TALIESIN: Okay, well in that case--

LAURA: But you're right in front of him, you know he just pulled you to him.

TALIESIN: Yeah, but I don't know if that's--

MATT: You still have disadvantage on the strike.


LAURA: Has Yasha gone yet?

MATT: Though Yasha hasn't gone yet, so you would have advantage, so it would just be a single roll, so it's up to you.

TALIESIN: Yeah, let's do it. Let's Ray of Enfeeblement, because this'll help shit a lot if this works well. What do I add to this? Is this just my spell?

MATT: You add your spell attack modifier.

TALIESIN: So it's just a five. Oh, spell attack, nine, okay, there we go. Oh, come on.

LAURA: Here we go, here we go, here we go.


MATT: 18 hits.

SAM: Nice.

TALIESIN: So you're half damage.

MATT: Half damage for attacks that use?

TALIESIN: Strength.

MATT: Strength? You got it.

TALIESIN: Which assume these have been using.

MATT: You'll find out.

TALIESIN: I will find out. Shit balls.

TRAVIS: (laughs)

TALIESIN: That is, I'm just making a big assumption there. Hasn't used its reaction yet?

MATT: It has not.

TALIESIN: Okay, so I'm still stuck here.

MATT: Unless you want to risk it.

TALIESIN: (sighs)

SAM: Do it, do it.

LAURA: Where would you go?

MATT: I'm playing the part of Travis now.

TALIESIN: You are. You're terrible.

MATT: Gamble! (laughs)

TALIESIN: And I can't use any of my other... Can't use a 1st-level spell as a bonus action right now.

LAURA: Mm-mm.

TALIESIN: Nope. I got nothing. So yeah, I'm just going to steady myself and--

MATT: Stay in place? All right.

TALIESIN: Stay in place.

MATT: End of Caduceus's turn, Yasha, you're up, with Jester on deck.


MATT: You see this wall of shadow engulf that side of the room, and you can see it's swirling, and it's pulsing weirdly. There's a source to it that's keeping it at bay. So you have no idea quite where anything is. You can guess based on what you last saw.

ASHLEY: Yeah, I'm going to march right in there.

MATT: Okay.

ASHLEY: And try to feel around for the squishy. Walking with one hand forward.

MATT: I'll say it takes all your movement to get up to it, but you can.


MATT: I'll allow that, because you're moving around, feeling out, blade in one hand, pushing past Caduceus for a second, making sure, you know, Caduceus isn't the creature. Hearing the sounds and following your way there, so I'll say half speed you get there, but you do.

ASHLEY: So I'd like to make an attack.

MATT: Okay. Now, are these reckless or not? Because you have disadvantage on this, because you are blinded within the radius.

ASHLEY: But with the battle cry?

MATT: It was the end of your next turn, right? Or was it beginning of your next turn?

ASHLEY: Oh, yeah, it's the start of my next turn. You are correct, sir.

MATT: So you'll have to be reckless to--

TRAVIS: Get a straight roll.

MATT: Otherwise you have disadvantage on the strikes. It's up to you.

ASHLEY: Yeah, reckless.

MATT: All right, so a straight roll. First attack was?

ASHLEY: Well, I mean, it's shit.


ASHLEY: Let's see. I don't know why I was arguing for something that's not going to work.



MATT: 11 misses. So your first strike goes wide, and actually almost goes towards Caduceus. Caduceus, you hear the wind just miss you by inches.

ASHLEY: Okay, there we go. (laughs) 19, 27.

MATT: 27 does hit, go ahead and roll your full damage on that, including your bonus d6.

SAM: Kill this thing.

ASHLEY: Okay. 15.

MATT: 15 damage, nice. All righty. That finish your turn, Yasha?

ASHLEY: Uh-huh.

MATT: Jester, you're up.

LAURA: Okay.

SAM: Ooh. You're in double magical darkness right now.

LAURA: Double it!

MATT: Super blind.

LAURA: I'm going to cast Dispel Magic on the area of effect spell!


MATT: Okay, on this one here?

LAURA: On the stuff that he cast. I'm going to step forward, how about that?

SAM: Are you trying to--

LAURA: I'm trying to dispel his fucking darkness.

SAM: But there's two effects going at the same time.

MATT: All right, so, you would probably have to move out of this radius. As far as you're concerned, you don't know that it emanated darkness.

LAURA: Right.

MATT: Because you've been in shadow this whole time. That's what I would argue for. Unless you chose to step out of it and notice it, and wanted to do that.

LAURA: Right, okay, I haven't seen it.

MATT: But you've been in darkness for a full round, you don't even know that he emanated that.

LAURA: All right, then fuck it. I was trying to help you guys, but I can't, so I'm just going to step forward until I can smash into the blob, and then I'm going to cast Inflict Wounds at 3rd-level.

MATT: All righty.

SAM and TRAVIS: "In-flick."

LAURA: In-flick Wounds!

MATT: So you come out, hearing it in the general direction, you're like, "Hmm." Just thrust your hand out, concentrating. You feel the warm glow around your symbol, and that warmth travels up your body to your arm, and then turns very cold at the tips of your fingers as you reach out. Go ahead and make an attack roll with disadvantage.

SAM: Do it, do it, do it.

MATT: Adding your spell attack bonus.

ASHLEY: She still has disadvantage.

LAURA: Yeah.

MATT: You reach out and find nothing.

LAURA: God fucking-- why do I suck so hard, you guys?

MATT: You know, your character's pretty great and you play her pretty well. I don't know, for a dice mogul, your dice need to be cleansed.

LAURA: I just-- (sighs). I even went with a different choosing route this time.

SAM: Why did you choose a different dice?

TALIESIN: Bring us an old priest and a young priest. An old priest and a young priest.

MATT: Well, Jester, as you reach out and the spell fades, you still have your movement, if you'd like to, or a bonus action. Whatever you'd like to try.


LAURA: I can't tell where I am. How can I use my movement to do anything? I'm just going to stay where I am.

MATT: All right, Nott, you're up.

SAM: Not being able to see anything, I'm going to--

LAURA: Just trying to help. Can't help.

SAM: I'm going to use my goblin muscles to lift up my goblin ears and point them towards the creature, trying to find any sort of sound of movement or grossness.

MATT: Yeah, I mean, you remember where it was generally.

SAM: Yeah, but I'm also doing this.

MATT: Okay, okay.

SAM: The second I hear a squishy testicle, I'm going to shoot at it.

TRAVIS: Stretchy bat wing?

SAM: I fire, shit, with disadvantage or advantage? No, just disadvantage.

MATT: With disadvantage, I'll say.

SAM: All right. 12. I assume that misses, Mr. Matthew?

LAURA: Yes, it does.

SAM: He's gone, I've lost him.

ASHLEY: What is he thinking about?

SAM: I lost him. He's gone. Matt is also DMing--

MATT: Just double-checking a few things. Sorry, what was that total?

SAM: 12.

MATT: 12 misses.

SAM: Okay, I will reload and shoot four feet to the left.

MATT: Okay.

SAM: 22.

MATT: That hits.


SAM: Yes.

TRAVIS: Yeah, get that chicken heart.

ASHLEY: Come on. Howdy dirty dir dis.

SAM: Sneak attack?

MATT: No, because it was disadvantage on the attack.

SAM: Ah, you're right. You're always right.

TRAVIS: Can't sneak up on a thing you can't see.

SAM: Eight points of damage.

MATT: Eight points of damage. All right, Nott, you have your movement still, would you like to move or stay put?

SAM: I can see right now.

MATT: You can.

SAM: As far as I know, Caleb's dying in its stomach. I guess I'm just going to stand there, because I don't know what's going on in there. I wouldn't go in there.

MATT: All right, Fjord, you're up.

TRAVIS: All right. I have advantage, but I can't see in the darkness, so it's a straight roll?

MATT: You don't have advantage currently.

TRAVIS: I don't.

MATT: No, Yasha's turn, that ability faded, so you have disadvantage.

TRAVIS: Both at disadvantage.

MATT: Correct.

TRAVIS: Okay, great. Let's take two Eldritch Blasts into the darkness. (sighs) Yeah.

MARISHA: I attack the darkness.

TRAVIS: That is a... That is a 14 to hit. Misses. And a, yeah.

MARISHA: God damn.


MARISHA: God damn.

MATT: Both attacks just go wide. You're not sure if you hit or not, you throw them in there and hope they made impact. You hear no sound of any reaction or screech or anything. It's a little disheartening.

TRAVIS: I will shift 10 feet to the left.

MATT: All right, right there. You got it. Okay, it is now Obann the Punished's turn.

TALIESIN: Goddamn it.

MARISHA: Maybe his thing will go away. Maybe his oozing dark or whatever it's called.

LIAM: Maybe he'll learn the error of his ways.

MARISHA: Maybe. (laughs)

MATT: Let's see if it gets its Storm of Biting Shadow back. Nope, does not. Is going to, because it is enfeebled, it's going to make three of its inky whip attacks again. One of them's going to be at... One of them's going to be Beauregard. Which, because you're blinded, has advantage on the attack. That'll bring it to 23.


LAURA: Says who? Why, though?


MATT: It would be 21 points of damage, but is reduced to 10 because it is enfeebled.

LAURA: Yay, go Caduceus!

TRAVIS: Oh my god, dude, oh my god.

LIAM: Deuces.

TRAVIS: Death cleric!

MATT: It's going to ink attack against Yasha.

MARISHA: So cute.

MATT: Natural 20.


ASHLEY: That hits.

MATT: You can't see it to--

TALIESIN: I can't, can I? Double-checking, I can't.

ASHLEY: Can't see it, it's okay.

TALIESIN: But it cancels out anyway.

MATT: Yeah, it takes half damage. (laughs) So for this, it's, oh shit.

TALIESIN: And it also gets halved anyway. Oh, it's necrotic, doesn't get halved.

ASHLEY: Yeah, I'm resistant.

TALIESIN: Oh, you're resistant to necrotic.

MATT: Yeah.

SAM: It's a roller coaster.

TALIESIN: Wow, nevermind.

MATT: That would be 36 reduced to--

TRAVIS: 28, no, 18.

MATT: To 18. Reduced in half again to nine. So you take nine points of necrotic damage.

SAM: Oh wow!

MATT: Which is bullshit!

LIAM: Beast.

TALIESIN and MARISHA: (nervous groans)

MATT: And then its final lash attack is going to be at you, Jester.

LAURA: I knew it.

SAM: Here we go, here we go.


MATT: That is going to be a 26.

LAURA: Mm-hmm.

MATT: All right. You take 15 points of necrotic damage.

TALIESIN: It rolled 30? Oh.

MATT: Halved to seven, because of--

LAURA: Okay, okay.

TALIESIN: Oh, okay.

MATT: And it's going to use its jagged bite attack against you, Caduceus.



MATT: That's going to be a 24 to hit.

TALIESIN: Yeah, that hits.

MATT: All right.

TRAVIS: But you can't, because you're made of balls.

SAM: (laughs)

ASHLEY: Intimidation.

MARISHA: Like actual balls, like little marbles.

LIAM: It's the lawnmower man.

MARISHA: (laughs)

MATT: 31 points of piercing damage.

TALIESIN: Reduced?

MATT: Reduced to half. So you take 15 points of piercing damage. Make a strength saving throw for me, please.

TALIESIN: Strength saving throw.

MATT: Correct.

TALIESIN: With advantage. Just thought I'd throw it out there. Nope. Strength saving throw. Come on, if I've ever needed a natural 20, it's right now. 15.

MATT: 15 is not enough.

TALIESIN: God fucking dammit.

ASHLEY: You don't add anything?

TALIESIN: I don't add anything to a strength saving throw.

LAURA: Oh no, Caduceus!

MATT: You are swallowed. Not that anyone else knows. The shadow fades, you all can see again, and as you all begin to look around, you do not see Caduceus anywhere, all you see is the mouth going (slurping).

SAM: And Caleb is still in there, and there's a giant ape in the room!

MARISHA: Wait, is Caduceus the ape?!

MATT: You guys now see a giant ape there like (roaring).

(yelling, laughter)

SAM: I know what happened. Caduceus turned into the ape.

MARISHA: Well, that makes sense to me!

SAM: That makes the most sense.

ASHLEY: He can turn into an ape?

SAM: I've never seen it before.

MATT: The Caedogeist is going to go ahead and attack now.

LAURA: Oh yay, how do I want to do this!

TALIESIN: Caedogeist, please, please, Caedogeist, please.

MATT: It's going to go ahead and shift below to try to hide, and then scoop up on this side. Actually, going to drop darkness at this point, because that's not going to help anybody, really.

LAURA: Oh, hi, I can see!


MATT: Somehow misses the first attack, but does hit with the second. So it does get sneak attack damage.

MARISHA: Howdy dirty dir dir?

TRAVIS: Come on. (dice rattling)

LIAM: Jeez.

LAURA: That's so many.

ASHLEY: That's so many dices.

LIAM: Yahtzee.

TRAVIS: Jenga.

SAM: Is this Caedogeist?

LAURA: It's Caedogeist, Caedogeist.

ASHLEY: Big money, big money.

MATT: 41 points of piercing damage. It's immune to poison.

LAURA: Oh wow, you're right, your critical was not good, if that was a regular one.

MATT: I rolled really shitty on that critical sneak attack. It was like one, two, two, three, two, I was like, yeah. So, that's Caedogeist's turn, who's starting to look a little nervous now. Is carving in, carving in, stabbing in. (panting) Vanishing into the ground, coming back again and carving again, and is looking at the rest of you like, silently, come on.

LAURA: I totally thought he was about to die before.

MATT: Beauregard, you're up.

MARISHA: I said puke up our wizard.

MATT: Actually, at the end of Caedogeist's turn, it does make a save.


MARISHA: Wrecking my vibe, man.

MATT: Sorry.

MARISHA: Heroic moment.

MATT: I remembered Caduceus's save against Ray of Enfeeblement, and does so.

TALIESIN: Saved against it?

MATT: Yes. No longer enfeebled. That was a 24 check on that.

LAURA: It's okay, you did a really good thing.

MATT: And at the end of the Caedogeist's turn, is going to use one of its inky whips against Beauregard.

SAM: Oh no.

MATT: That is going to be a 29 to hit.

SAM: Yeah.

ASHLEY: Sheesh.

MATT: Beauregard takes 16 points of necrotic damage.

MARISHA: Oh, is that reduced, like halved or anything?

MATT: No, because it saved against it.

MARISHA: Uh-huh.

TRAVIS: Take that nasty plunge.

MARISHA: (groaning)

MATT: Beauregard gets whipped and yanked to the ground, and is now being slowly dragged towards it.

LAURA: Oh god, oh god.

MATT: Beauregard, go ahead and make your death save.

SAM: Already?

MATT: It is Beauregard's turn now.


TRAVIS: What is with the fucking rollback on that thing?

MARISHA: It is really bad, it happens all the time.

TRAVIS: I mean, 15 and up and then it's like no, five or less.

MATT: That's a failure.

LAURA: You need to get rid of it. Don't go by my dice, don't go by anything that I say.

MATT: So one failed death save for Beauregard. Caleb, your turn.

TRAVIS: It's crazy.

LIAM: Gorilla Caleb is too incensed, he's just whaling on the thing. So first monkey strike is very low and does not hit. That's, oh, yeah, it's an 11, does not hit.

MATT: Does not hit.

LIAM: Second one does, it's a 25.

MATT: That does hit.

LIAM: So that is 3d10 plus six. Oh, good, 18, 23, 31 points of bludgeoning damage.

MATT: 31 points of bludgeoning damage, nice. As the first one swing and miss, the second one you slam into it and parts of it are splattering, you grab with your big monkey fist and tear away, and as you throw down chunks of its weird, lightly corporeal flesh splatters into the ground and turns into just a tar-like liquid. It's sticky in your fingers and the anger wells up in you. That finishes your turn?

LIAM: Yeah, I stay right at it.

MATT: End of Caleb's turn, it's going to go ahead and use another inky whip attack. This is going to be against Jester, because Yasha just shrugged that off. 14.


TALIESIN: Thank fuck. Keep the healer up, please.

MATT: Caduceus. Beginning of your turn?


MATT: Okay.

TALIESIN: So, can I cast... (sighs) Fuck. So I don't entirely know what to do here. I'm going to...

MATT: You can feel thousands and thousands of tiny teeth tearing across your body.

TALIESIN: Tearing across my body, okay.

LAURA: (laughs) Hmm, yes, tearing across my body.

TALIESIN: I'm going to cast-- oh, hello, hello, this is interesting. I'm going to cast Vampiric Touch.

MATT: Okay.

TRAVIS: Ooh, that could be cool.

MATT: So go ahead and make the attack roll with your spell attack modifier. You have disadvantage, because you are restrained within it.

TALIESIN: Can I even cast Vampiric Touch? Yes I can. Okay, come on, let's roll well, because this would suck if I don't. 12.

MATT: 12 misses. You try and reach out, and as you put forward, it seems like the mouth around opens up and makes space for the hand, and you make contact, but the spell doesn't seem to take.

TALIESIN: Okay. I can't take a bonus action to do anything really in here.

MATT: I mean, unless it's a cantrip.

TALIESIN: Unless it's a cantrip?

MATT: And you can see.

LAURA: There's no bonus action cantrips.

TALIESIN: I'm going to give myself, in that case-- Nope, there's not. (sighs) No, I can't do that either, because, yep, nope, nope, because I can't do that, never mind, I got nothing.

MATT: Yasha, you're up. Jester, you're on deck.

TALIESIN: No, that's not a bonus action.


MATT: Actually, at the end of Caduceus's turn, it's going to use its last inky whip attack, and this is going to be at Jester.

TALIESIN: God fucking dammit.

ASHLEY: Why? I'm right there.

MATT: 17 to hit.

LAURA: 19.

SAM: She's so strong, with her shield?

LAURA: Thank you, Pumat!

SAM: I'm dying!


SAM: Help me!

ASHLEY: Break this down for me again. Beau is being pulled towards it?

MATT: Yeah.

LIAM: Yes, and is unconscious.

ASHLEY: Okay, so can I try, I'd like to try to cut off whatever is pulling her towards--

MATT: I will say it's more narrative. Beauregard is unconscious, so if you want to try and grab Beauregard and take her far away from it, it's like an action to grab and move half her movement and get her away, then you can do that.

ASHLEY: Okay, so I'm going-- say again?

TRAVIS: Can you heal?

ASHLEY: I already used it.

MATT: Already used it.

ASHLEY: Okay, so I'm going to turn, look at Beau, and I'm going to pick her up and take her into that spot right there.

MATT: This spot here?


MATT: Okay.

ASHLEY: Just a little bit, so when she comes to, she--

MATT: You pull Beauregard out of the range into that space. As you do, it takes an attack of opportunity against you.

LAURA: Against Yasha, that's good.

MATT: 29 to hit.

ASHLEY: Yeah. It's fine.

SAM: You're not even awake to see this romantic gesture.

MATT: 20 points of necrotic damage reduced to 10, so you take 10 points of necrotic damage.

ASHLEY: Okay, and then, can I, as a bonus action... Can he understand anything, what we're saying?

MATT: You have no idea.

ASHLEY: Okay, so--

MATT: You've never seen this creature before. There's no sign of anything Obann-esque anymore. Whatever this is, it is terrible.

ASHLEY: I'm just going to try screaming out in Abyssal: Drop it!

MATT: Okay.

ASHLEY: Drop it!

MATT: Make an intimidation check.

SAM: As if to a dog?

ASHLEY: As if to a dog. Oh. Ew. Nope. Nothing.

MATT: You shout out into the room. You gather the creature, either it's engrossed otherwise, or it lacks the intelligence or the care to acknowledge what you shouted.


MATT: All right, Yasha's turn's over, Jester, you're up.

LAURA: Okay.

MATT: With Nott on deck.

TALIESIN: So you can get away from this, but.

LAURA: Okay, I'm going to, well this is so difficult.

TALIESIN: Unless he spits me out, I'm kind of fucked.

LAURA: Do people have healing potions?

SAM: I got this.

LAURA: I'm going to use Command.

MATT: Okay.

LAURA: On it, and I'm going to say: Vomit!

SAM: Vomit? Excellent choice, Jester.

LAURA: Thank you. And then I'm going to back up.

MATT: Sure. That's fun. All right, what's the DC on the spell?

LAURA: 17 wisdom.

MATT: 17 wisdom. Natural 18. 23, I'm sorry.

LAURA: Okay.

TRAVIS: That's our luck.

MATT: As you shout the word out to it, in a similar way as to Yasha's previous yell, it seems that whatever intelligence lies within there has been shattered into 1,000 pieces, and it is only driven to eat and destroy.

TALIESIN: (sighs)

LAURA: Okay. Then I'm going to--


LAURA: I'm going to run around it. And get on the other side and see if I can block the doorway to keep Beau safe.

MATT: Okay. That finishes your turn, Jester, Nott, you're up.

SAM: Okay. Wow, this is just insane. This is just insane. Am I 30 feet or more away?

MATT: You are not; you are 25 feet from it.

SAM: Okay. Boy, I mean, I'm going to do what I do: I'm going to fire a crossbow bolt.

MATT: Go for it.

SAM: 20 to hit.

MATT: That hits.

SAM: With the sneakies?

MATT: With sneak attack damage, yeah.

SAM: Yeah.

TRAVIS: Come on. Come on, now.

SAM: Come on, now, get 'er.

LAURA: Come now, kill it, kill it!

TRAVIS: (auctioneer patter)

SAM: Lotta threes, lotta threes.

LAURA: That's okay, you got a six.

LIAM: It's got to happen eventually. Hurty dirty.

TRAVIS: Can I get a 675, 75, 675.

SAM: 27 points of damage.

MATT: All righty.

SAM: That didn't do it.

MARISHA: (groans)

SAM: Is Beau out? I can't--

MATT: Beau is out. Yasha dragged her.

TALIESIN: But Beau's unconscious.

LAURA: Beau's unconscious.

SAM: And Yasha has no way of healing her?

TRAVIS: And Beau and Yasha are in the hallway?

MATT: Correct.

TALIESIN: Fuck, yeah.

LAURA: Caduceus is inside of it. I tried.

ASHLEY: We're both--

SAM: But Yasha has no way of healing Beau.

ASHLEY: Nope, I already used my Healing Hands on her earlier.

MARISHA: (laughs)

SAM: You're nearby. Ish.

LAURA: You used one save?

MARISHA: Yes, I've lost it.

SAM: You're nearby.

LAURA: Yeah, why?

SAM: You're coming up.


LAURA: I'm not, I mean, it's going to be a while.

SAM: All right, then I will use my movement to dash towards Yasha and the escaping Beauregard.

MARISHA: I'm not escaping. I'm escaping life.

SAM: Sorry, the cowardly Beauregard.


TRAVIS: You're getting medevaced.

MARISHA: Oh, jesus.

SAM: I will dash to them.

MATT: You will dash, okay. You will take an attack of opportunity.

TALIESIN: No, he already used his reaction.

LAURA: On Yasha.

MATT: Oh, that's right, he did. Yeah, so.

SAM: I will ready my potion, but can't quite use it yet.

MATT: You got it. Fjord, you're up.

SAM: Want it, you want it?

TRAVIS: I will run forward my 30 feet, up towards the inky shit.

MATT: Puts you right there.

TRAVIS: So I'm out of melee, right?

MATT: You're out of melee, you're standing on one of the ritual sigils with the red carvings and drawings on the ground, and even though Obann is gone, the ritual's still present, and it gives you this weird like, shooting of cold energy through your body.

TRAVIS: Can I take one step to see, and then step out of it, out of habit? And I'll look at it like Tommy Lee Jones in Men in Black and be like: Eat me, you piece of shit! You're a taint smear of Tharizdun's crotch, let's go! And I'll fire two shots of Eldritch Blast.

MATT: Go for it.

LAURA: I think the Texan accent came back on that one.

MATT: Yeah, a little bit, a little bit.

TRAVIS: It might've.

MATT: Force of habit.

LIAM: Had to put a little spin on that one.

TRAVIS: That is a 24 and a 15.

MATT: Both hit.

TRAVIS: Oh. Beautiful.

SAM: Oh no.

ASHLEY: Come on.

LAURA: Mm-mm, mm-mm.

SAM: Nothing, I just realized--

LAURA: What? Tell me.

SAM: -- bad things that could happen.

TRAVIS: That is 12 points of force damage and 11 points of force damage, so 23 points of force damage.

MATT: You fire both into it, you see it's like (dripping), parts of it are falling onto the ground, it's trying to create more mass within it, but the shadow continues to fall. It is so close to fucking dying.

MARISHA: You almost had it. You almost had it! It was like one or two.

MATT: And it's his turn.

TRAVIS: I yelled at it. I called it a taint smear.

MATT: It gets its Storm of Biting Shadow back.

LAURA: Oh, fuck, y'all, this is it, we could fucking die right now.

ASHLEY: Wait, it gets its what?


MATT: All right. So. Roll the damage first.

SAM: Oh no. Oh bad, oh bad.

LAURA: I got Revivify, but if I go down.

TALIESIN: You're going to go down.

SAM: She can't.

MATT: Okay. So, against you, Fjord, 29.

MARISHA: Oh yeah.


MATT: 29, you take 21 points of necrotic damage.

TALIESIN: Okay, could be worse. Oh no, you'll get hit.

MATT: And you are weakened.

TRAVIS: Uh-huh.

MATT: Beauregard, you fail another death save.

MARISHA: Just one?

MATT: It's not a melee attack.

LAURA: Thank god, thank god, thank god.

MARISHA: Oh, that's right.

MATT: If it's within five feet of you, it's a critical hit, in which case it does two death saves. You, that is a 16 to hit. What's your...? Hits, you take another 21 points of necrotic damage and your attacks are halved. Your strength-based attacks, or no, all your attacks that are weapon-based are half damage. Nott. 29 to hit. You take 21 points of necrotic damage.

SAM: Do I get to, like, evade or anything?

MATT: It is a weapon attack. You can use your reaction and take half damage, if you'd like.

SAM: I will do that.

MATT: All right. Jester. That is a 19 to hit.

LAURA: 19.

MATT: So you take 21 points of necrotic damage.

LAURA: I'm unconscious.

SAM: Oh. Oh.

ASHLEY: Dammit.

MATT: Jester falls, the illusion fades.

SAM: Is that real Jester?

MATT: Real Jester falls.

ASHLEY: This is bad.

SAM: This is bad.

LAURA: And Caduceus is inside of it.

MATT: Caduceus is inside, so Caduceus is unaffected. Yasha, natural 20.


MATT: So that would be, how many dice did I roll there? 22, 21, I said it was 21?

LIAM: 21.

MARISHA: I was literally just talking about how I don't have a backup character anymore.

TRAVIS: Shush, shh!

MATT: 36 points of necrotic damage reduced to half.

MARISHA: Ow, ow, ow. (laughter)

ASHLEY: Did you say 36?

MATT: 36, so yes, it would be 18. So you take 18 points of necrotic damage. And all your attacks do half damage too.

ASHLEY: All of my attacks towards him take half damage.

MATT: Do half damage.

ASHLEY: Do half damage, okay.

MATT: Okay. That's going to finish his turn. Caedogeist is going to attack.

ASHLEY: Come on, come on!

TALIESIN: Yeah, you are, aren't you?

MARISHA: Get the how do dur do dur do dis?

MATT: I really don't want to do this.

LAURA: Yes, you do! Just do it! Just kill it!

TRAVIS: Come on, come on.

MATT: That's 25 to hit.

TRAVIS: Come on.

MATT: But it's not a sneak attack, because--

LAURA: Everybody's dead.

MATT: Everybody's dead from it.

LAURA: Although Caleb, Caleb.

LIAM: The giant gorilla is engaged with it.

LAURA: 10 feet reach.

MATT: Technically, yeah, 10 feet. Yeah, yeah.

LIAM: He also would've, he's not going from far away, he's on top of it.

MATT: That's true, that's true. I'll allow it.

SAM: Matt's going to kill one of his own characters.

TRAVIS: Come on.

TALIESIN: I'm glad we shamed you into this.

TRAVIS: Say it.


TALIESIN: Say it, say it, say it!

MATT: How do I want to do this?

(cheering and laughter)

TALIESIN: Friendship! Friendship! It was killed with the power of friendship!

MATT: That is the dumbest...

(laughter, applause)


LAURA: I'm so proud of you!

ASHLEY: You did it!

SAM: Matt, please describe how you would like to kill yourself.


TRAVIS: Oh, shit.

MATT: As the creature itself is pulling itself towards the doorway, as everyone's trying to find its way around, you watch tendrils (slurping) pulling and dragging its form in almost like a weird rolling ball of black inkiness. As it makes its way that direction, Caduceus inside being torn by the teeth that grind, everyone else knocked unconscious on the ground, eyes rolled back, mouths open, barely breathing, you watch as the Caedogeist vanishes into the ground. As it pulls forward. (slurping) It explodes from the inside, Caduceus rolls out onto the ground, covered in the black ichor, and there where it was standing you see the Caedogeist holding both blades out, had phased up into it and burst through from the inside, carving it apart into multiple places.

TALIESIN: I immediately stand up and bonus action Mass Healing Word, the second I can.

MATT: Okay, we'll come to your turn, which'll be in a second. Beauregard, your turn comes up first, next.

LAURA: Oh, jeez.

MATT: Go ahead and make a death save.

LAURA: Right.

MARISHA: We're still in initiative?

MATT: You would be up next.

TRAVIS: Wait, wait, are those two failures?

LIAM: Yeah, so one roll.

LAURA: That's okay, that's okay. You're going to do good, you're going to roll 20. You're going to roll a 20.

MARISHA: I don't trust that one.

TRAVIS: Remember what you said.

SAM: Do that one that's been crazy all night.

LAURA: Why are you doing that?

SAM: Because it'll work.

MARISHA: This one? This one?

LAURA: Oh, god. Don't trust Sam.


MATT: That's a success.


MARISHA: Holy shit.

MATT: Okay.

MARISHA: Just enough.

TRAVIS: Is your hand numb?

MATT: So now it would be Caleb and Caduceus's turn, so Caduceus.

TALIESIN: Mass Healing Word. Anyone who's unconscious gains nine hit points.

MATT: You were holding onto that.

TALIESIN: Everybody else gets seven points. Actually, it would be six people, so one, two, three, four, five, six.

LIAM: Did you skip the gorilla, which is totally fine?

TALIESIN: Oh, I woulda skipped the gorilla, I suppose. So it would've been, and I know you're fine, so it woulda been one, two, three, four, five, and I'll hit you, too, because I was trying to make friends.

MATT: Sure.


MATT: Okay.

TALIESIN: Nine for anybody who's unconscious, six for everybody else.

MATT: As you all feel the surge of energy from Caduceus, you shoot back to consciousness, you shoot back to consciousness.

MARISHA: Ah, I hate this!

SAM: Ah!

LAURA: What happened?

TALIESIN: I'm going to look at the Caedogeist. Can I get a hug?

MATT: You watch as she goes, "Not my type of interaction."

TALIESIN: I got a heal for you when you're ready.

MATT: "I'll be fine." And you watch the Caedogeist look around at the rest of you.

TRAVIS: Yeah, we're all doing the end of the musical number breathing.

MATT: Yeah.

ALL: (panting)

LIAM: Caedogeist just sees--

MATT: "(shushes)"

LAURA: What the shushing?

SAM: What is the shushing?

MATT: She just vanishes into the wall.

TALIESIN: That's okay.

MARISHA: She's so cool.

TALIESIN: I'm all right with that.

LAURA: Did she kill it?

LIAM: The giant ginger gorilla's shoving his head into the hallway and looking in to see Beauregard being tended to over here.

MATT: The remnants of Obann, you can see, there is still like chunks of the body around, but they're slowly just (slurping), just liquefying.

ASHLEY: Can I walk in and see if there's anything, heart, anything that seems important?

SAM: I'm going to dig through the guts. Caleb! Caleb, are you in there?

MATT: (laughs)

TALIESIN: I'm going to sit and start a Prayer of Healing.

MATT: No. Pretty much-- saying for the-- as you guys are going through, like, everything you grab and pull, it's like a jello that's been in the sun for a bit. Like it's turning into liquid in your fingertips. And it's sticky and it's getting all over you, and by the time you've sifted through it, it's mostly just now a puddle of black oil tar-like material.

LAURA: I'm just going to stay sitting on the ground watching numbly at everything going on around.

LIAM: Gorilla lumbers over, picks up Nott by the scruff, whose legs and hands are just going boop boop boop. (grunts) And she's sitting on his head, 28-ish feet in the air.

SAM: Oh. (sniffs) Smells like Caleb. I think it's Caleb.

LIAM: (grunting)

TRAVIS: Everybody's up?


LIAM: (grunts)

TRAVIS: Oh god. Do we even go out and check on Pumat? I'm so fucking spent.

SAM: We have to, or at least let me send a message.


SAM: I'll point up in the direction of Pumat and whisper into a wire, Pumat, if you're alive, please, respond to this message.

MATT: What's the range on it?

SAM: I think it's 100 feet.

LAURA: 100 feet?

MATT: 100 feet? There's no response.

SAM: Oh, we're down that far?

MATT: You guys are a bit further than that from--

LAURA: Oh, I've got a third level left with my--

SAM: It's 120 feet.

MATT: Yeah, nothing.

LAURA: I've got a third level left with my Pearl of Power.

SAM: Guys, Pumat is dead.

LAURA: I'm going to cast Sending.

MATT: Okay.

LAURA: Pumat, are you alive? Is everything okay up there? Please tell me you're still alive up there?

SAM: You pooping?

LAURA: No, I'm not going to say that.

MATT: There's no response.

SAM: (gasps)

TALIESIN: It could be anything.

LAURA: He's not responding.

MARISHA: Maybe he's still fighting.

LAURA: I feel like he could respond even if he was, I would hear him breathing or something.

TRAVIS: We should go check on him.


SAM: What if there's still all those creatures out there? Maybe... I'm actually relatively okay.

TALIESIN: You mind checking ahead?

ASHLEY: I'll go with you.

SAM: Yeah.

ASHLEY: Because I'm relatively okay.

SAM: And the ape, Capeleb, could come with us. (laughter, groans)

TRAVIS: Can he fit through that arch?

MATT: Nope.

LIAM: Nope.

ASHLEY: Does anybody want to stay and heal and rest, and we can just go look?

TALIESIN: I'd rather keep everyone up. We should just go up.

MARISHA: Why don't we check it out first.

TALIESIN: Better have all of us together.


TALIESIN: Together.


SAM: Hey, Yasha's back.

TALIESIN: Welcome back.

MARISHA: Capeleb. Carry me.

LIAM: (grunts)


MATT: (laughs)

LAURA: I'm going to walk up to Capeleb and cast Cure Wounds on Beau, being held by him.

MATT: Okay.

MARISHA: Oh yeah, that's the good stuff.

LIAM: He lets go of one side and holds her by an ankle.

MARISHA: All right, you're going to make me black out again, dude.

LAURA: 15 points of healing.

MARISHA: What blood I have left is rushing to my head, oh god.

MATT: Can't believe I got the fucking kill my own boss.

LIAM: Had to happen eventually.

TALIESIN: I mean, one of us, it was going to happen, so.

LIAM: We've played for hundreds of hours.

MATT: I know.


MATT: I just don't want to rob you guys of it.


LAURA: Matt, we're be so happy for you!

MARISHA: It was the best!

LAURA: It was cool.

MATT: All right.

TALIESIN: Everyone gets one.

LAURA: Yeah.

ASHLEY: How did it feel?

MATT: It felt all right. I just felt kind of bad. (laughs)

LAURA: No, it was awesome.

MATT: You were so close to finishing it.

LAURA: I Cure Wounds myself at level one for 11 points of healing, P.S..

LIAM: Before changing back, Capeleb puts Beauregard down, and a giant hand, I don't want to do it to you for real, but just way too large ruffles her hair.

MARISHA: Oh, man, that's not, oh.

LIAM: (gorilla grunting)

MATT: Another death save.

MARISHA: No, I'm doing much better now, thank you. I'm okay.

LIAM: (grunting)

MARISHA: Okay, okay. Be aware of your surroundings.

MATT: The archway-- technically, you could fit into the archway, but the stairway would not fit you at all. So you would not be able to, in your current ape form, ascend.

LIAM: (grunting)

SAM and MARISHA: (laugh)

MATT: Cool.

TRAVIS: (laughs) Let's go. We have to check on him.

TALIESIN: Do you mind taking lead on this?

SAM: I'll go ahead.

TRAVIS: I'll join you.

SAM: I'll take a big swig of the booze and--

ASHLEY: We don't need to do anything else in here, do we?

TALIESIN: We don't know. In here, I think we're good for now.

MATT: So what's the marching order?

SAM: I'm going first.

TRAVIS: Nott, Fjord, Caduceus.

TALIESIN: I'll go behind you.

TRAVIS: Nott, Fjord, Yasha, Caduceus.

LAURA: I'll go last.

MARISHA: I'll go in front of Jester.

SAM: What state could Pumat Sol be in and not be able to respond?

LAURA: Dead.

SAM: Others, give me some others?

TRAVIS: He might have teleported out.

TALIESIN: Too-- Yeah.

SAM: But it would still reach him.

LAURA: Sending doesn't work--

TRAVIS: He might've blinked into another dimension.

MATT: Caleb, you're in the back?

LIAM: I said second to last.

MATT: Okay, so Jester's in the back.

LAURA: In another dimension, I think it still works, as long as I know where they are.

MATT: So. You guys ascend the steps from deep within the hidden chamber of the Chantry shackle. Finding your way up towards the familiar sight of the open crypt passageway. Stepping into the crypt chamber, the familiar old stale air of this ancient, ancient crypt basement finds you. You step out and there's the familiar statue of the Dawnfather, atop the central platform. You can see the same brazier that you once burned to find the switch still burning low. You continue onward?


MATT: Okay. You come back up a few stairs into the area where there was the four chambers for the people that keep the Chantry, the long-poisoned bodies still left in their beds. You ascend the staircase that leads into the cathedral, and say--

LAURA: Do we hear anything on the other side of the doors?

MATT: Before you can even to the doors, you hear footsteps approaching louder. (footsteps thudding) You guys are in front, Nott and Fjord.

SAM: Someone's coming. Everybody hide, or ready your weapons.

MATT: You're like 30 feet up in the staircase, so.

SAM: And these footsteps are coming down the staircase?

MATT: Yeah, in your direction. You can see a bit of torchlight coming in your direction.

SAM: I will ready my crossbow, press myself to the wall.

MATT: Okay.

SAM: Go down on one knee.

MATT: All right. As the torchlight comes, the footsteps suddenly come to a stop, and you hear a voice go, "Halt! State your name and purpose or we will attack!"

TRAVIS: Sounds like guards.

MATT: You can look up in the scene in the torchlight that's gathering and the person holding it, there is a Righteous Brand soldier and more soldiers behind them, shoulder to shoulder and, you know, pushing down the space.

SAM: Friends of the Empire here.

TRAVIS: Please, we're survivors, we took refuge down here. Has the danger passed?

MATT: Just make general persuasion check. The voice seemed pretty amped.


MATT: 18? You watch the one that's holding the torch, who has his hand on a blade, looks and goes, "Are you The Mighty Nein?"

TALIESIN: Yes, we're The Mighty Nein.

MATT: "They're here, we found them!"


LAURA: Who's wondering?

MATT: And the soldiers start backing up and heading back into the cathedral space.


SAM: Who's looking for us?

MARISHA: Yeah, who's looking for us?

LAURA: How do you know our name?

SAM: We'll follow.


MATT: You guys continue up the staircase, and it's a lengthy staircase, until eventually you can see the faint look of interior daylight, though still storming and cloudy from outside, it's much brighter than the interior of the lightless staircase you've been ascending. Stepping back into the cathedral hall, you can see around you, the marble floors are littered with mushy corpses of destroyed demons of various shapes and sizes. The dark ichor smeared in dynamic sprays against the floors around you with glittering broken shards of multicolored glass window, just all over the ground. The looming, charred body of the Laughing Hand still stands atop the central dais, unmoving, like a nightmarish statue of ash, just still there in place.

LAURA: Immediately searching around for Pumat.

MATT: Over a dozen or so figures fill the space around you, some standing at the ready, while others are wounded and resting. You can see numerous crownsguard in here looking haggard, holding their weapons ready, and as you approach and arrive out, they hold their weapons up for a second, but then notice the relaxed state of the Righteous Brand that first met with you, and go to relax. You can see there are some slain soldiers. A handful of Cobalt Soul are present, as well as Archivist Kathedoc, the half-orc who you had met when you first arrived here.

SAM: Dead?

MATT: No, alive.

SAM: Oh.

MATT: Approaches as you begin to walk out. "It's good to see that you have all made it here alive. We were worried."

TALIESIN: Where's Pumat?

MATT: "Over that way," and he points towards the antechamber of the cathedral, where you had moved away form.

LAURA and MARISHA: Is he alive?

MATT: "He's barely, but alive."

SAM: Are you taking care of him? Should we go-- Is he in need of magical healing?

MATT: "Come," and leads you guys back through the open doors, the two doors that lead into the front portion of the cathedral. Walking by, Caduceus, you notice, as does, actually, Beauregard and Caleb. Well no, this would be perception, actually, so it would be Caduceus and Jester, and Beauregard. You guys notice that underneath one of the central towers, the two towers that were in the center there where the balcony is, you see a shattered metallic device, about two feet or so in width. A central glass orb has been broken and the pinkish crystals that were embedded in it in four different places have been crushed. It is just, the device has been completely destroyed. You walk into the antechamber, and there off to the side, you can see there's a few other crownsguard that are in the process of tending to their own wounds, and on the ground you can see there's one person who has finished bandaging a very, very hurt Pumat Sol. As you approach, you see him lying on the ground, bandages all over, one eye is covered with a bandage. You can see there's blood spray on him. The eye flickers open a bit and turns in your direction. "Oh, hey there." (laughter)

LAURA: I rush over and take his hand.

MATT: "Oh, ow, ow."

LAURA: I'm sorry.

MATT: "Oh, I was worried about you folks."

SAM: Worried about us?

MATT: "Happy to see your faces."

LAURA: We were so worried about you.

MATT: "I'm okay. Figured those buggers were coming from somewhere, so seeing them portals in the towers, I just, I managed to find that metal thingy and smash it. Worked good, too. They stopped coming through. (coughing)"

LAURA: You were really, really big.

TALIESIN: That was real cool.

SAM: Would you like a healing potion?

MATT: "Oh yeah, I would not, you know, be against it." (bottle rattling)

SAM: I will heal Pumat for--

LIAM: Ooh.

SAM: Ew. Six plus four, I think, right?

MATT: All right, so 10. Heals 10.

LAURA: That's a lot of money.

SAM: He probably made this one.


MATT: Yeah, well you brought him from stabilized and barely conscious to at least somewhat more like, lucid. Leans in a bit. (groans) "Oh, thank you very much there, little Nott lady, right?"

SAM: Yeah, it's Nott, yeah.

MATT: "All right. Sorry, I get overwhelmed a little bit. Thankfully, these Cobalt Soul folks arrived and helped me out of a real jam. That was all kindsa close."

SAM: Did you-- You must've killed a dozen or so.

MATT: "I lost count after, like, the first 20."

SAM: Whoa!

TRAVIS: That sounds about right.

SAM: You're a maniac.

TALIESIN: That's pretty amazing.

MARISHA: You're a hero, Pumat.

MATT: "Eh, just helping out. It's been a while since I've got to flex the old Pu-muscles, you know?"


LAURA: The poo muscles?

MATT: "Pumat muscles. Just combining the two words, you know."

LAURA: Yeah, no, don't ever say that again. I mean, I like it, but I don't think...

ASHLEY: I think that means something else.

TRAVIS: You liked poo muscle?

LAURA: I think it's a good word.

TALIESIN: Return to the field, you got a taste for adventure again?

MATT: "Nah."

TALIESIN: Yeah, yeah.

MATT: "Nah, I think I'm pretty happy staying where I've been. I'm going to just rest now, I'm just going to--"

TALIESIN: Yeah, you go.

TRAVIS: Pumat, it's been crazy below. Did you see anyone in charge since you've been up here?

MATT: "Charge of-- you mean that one?" Points over and you can see standing at the doors where you would exit, you see a half-elf woman, olive skin, dark brown eyes, and short, jet-black hair, her helmet off to the side, and you see is wearing Righteous Brand armor, but the insignia on it, the trim and the design of the red cape that's thrown over one shoulder signifies a higher rank than a standard soldier. And as Pumat points, she is in the process of talking to two folks and looks over in your direction, and starts making the walk towards you. As that happens, Pumat's hand goes down, he's like, "Okay, sleepy time."

TRAVIS: Rest well, friend.

MATT: He just goes right to sleep.

TALIESIN: We need to put guards in that door, we haven't deactivated the mess down there, it's still dangerous.

LIAM: Find out what is going on outside.


MATT: The figure approaches at this point.

MARISHA: Talk to-- hi, hi.

MATT: "Hello. I am Marshal Ishmara, and you are under my watch. Kathedoc spoke of your arrival, and the plight that was spoken when you came. It seems there is some truth to this, but all matters, until they have been sussed out, are in my watch, and you are not to leave my sight. Do you understand?"

TRAVIS: Yes, I don't think there's any problem with that at all.

LAURA: Quick, what god do you worship?

MATT: "I'm not one of worship. I'm one who works for the Empire. The people are who I protect."

TALIESIN: Insight check.

LAURA: Quick, what do you think about the Chained Oblivion?

MATT: Looks past the mess behind you. "Seemingly quite messy."


LAURA: Insight check as well.

MATT: Make an insight check.


MATT: 25 insight check? (chuckles) All right.

SAM: Oh, whispers.

TRAVIS: You're just doing it for the whispers. You're just doing it for those sweet dulcet tones, man.

TALIESIN: ♪ Mysterious whisper ♪

SAM: This whisper is brought to you by Dwarven Forge, because I forgot to say it when we were in combat. They'll be at PAX Unplugged over this weekend. Go say hi at that Die Hard Dice booth. Follow along on social at @Dwarvenforge on @Twitter.

MARISHA: (laughs)

MATT: Critical Bard. All right.

TALIESIN: Sorry, what was, sorry, you seem all right. We still have a problem downstairs, we got to make sure no one goes down there right now, there's still some bad things down there that--

LAURA: Chained Oblivion, and some sludge.

TALIESIN: There's still an active ritual and we can't have anyone--

ASHLEY: The Angel of Irons.

TALIESIN: -- go down.

LAURA: There were glyphs.

SAM: But in addition to that, what of the crick attack?

LAURA: Don't--! Oh, right.

MATT: "Well, the attacks were sudden on the city, but equally sudden was their retreat. They seem to have pulled back within the last half an hour or so, without particular reason."

TALIESIN: Interesting.

MATT: "Concerning the events that you appear to be tied to, perhaps, and as such, you are to be brought before the Prime Arbiter to speak your case of what you've experienced here."

MARISHA: Are we under arrest, Marshal?

MATT: "No, you are individuals of interest. It is highly recommended that you come with me to ensure that we do not have a reason to arrest you."

MARISHA: Is she trying to speak to me in code? Insight check?

MATT: Make an insight check.

MARISHA: Why's she looking at me like that?

TRAVIS: That's the fucking-do-what-I-say voice.

MARISHA: Natural 20.

MATT: Natural 20. I won't even whisper it, I'll just tell you, she doesn't like you challenging her authority. It's a tone you're very familiar with.

MARISHA: Yeah, it's a tone that I tend to challenge.

TALIESIN: Before we go anywhere, can we get somebody to-- can we maybe dispel that thing downstairs or do something to make sure that it's--

MATT: Kathedoc approaches at this point and goes, "We have more coming. We can take care of the rest, unless you know there is an immediate threat of anything else down there that we're worried would--"

LAURA: Unless the sludgy guy comes back.

TRAVIS: It is a mess, I would put someone down there immediately to keep an eye out.

MATT: "Understood."

TRAVIS: Avoid the circles on the floor. They seem to be active still.

MATT: "All right."

LAURA: Don't stand on it.

ASHLEY: Yeah, don't let anybody stand on the circles.

LAURA: ♪ Don't stand ♪

SAM: ♪ Don't stand so close to--♪

TALIESIN: ♪ to the pillar ♪

MATT: "Curious warning, but taken." At this point, you can see now, about 20 more townsguard are approaching, and it seems like, in the time since you put out your calls for aid when you arrived, now the cavalry's showing up.

MARISHA: Is Ishmara still watching us?

MATT: Yeah.


TALIESIN: Going to do a little walk around and just start a Decompose spell on as many bodies, and just waft through the church and just tap, tap, tap, tap, tap.

MATT: The demonic sludge that's left behind doesn't take to any sort of fungus, but there are a number of bodies that are currently being pulled aside and put in a line of the various cultists, just to identify who they were and to begin the investigation.

LAURA: Will they still be able to tell who they were if you--

TALIESIN: Oh yeah.

LAURA: Okay.

TALIESIN: They'll smell better.

MATT: A handful of looks like crownsguard and maybe two Righteous Brand soldiers that were also lost in the battle of whatever demons that Pumat was overwhelmed by. So.

MARISHA: Do I see... any other cardinals or any other people from the church?

MATT: Make a perception check.

MARISHA: That are still like lingering about? Perception check? Okay, 15?

MATT: 15? At the moment, you do not see anybody who's wearing the signifying robes of the Chantry. You've only been here for maybe an hour and a half tops total, and most of the people that were probably present in the Chantry were poisoned below. You gather there's probably more members to the Chantry, or if they are, they're just not present at the moment.

LAURA: We should tell the marshal about the bodies downstairs.

MATT: So do you inform--

LAURA: There's bodies downstairs.


TALIESIN: Well done.

MATT: "What kind of bodies?"

LAURA: They were members of the church here, of the Chantry. They were, I don't know, they were killed.

TALIESIN: In their sleep.

SAM: Not by us. By these folks up here, the demons.

MATT: Looks over at Kathedoc. "Are you getting this?" He goes, "Yes, yes, we're looking into this investigation. It will be thorough. Thank you."

LAURA: It looks like the cultists did some serious defacing on some of the, um, stuff, too.

MATT: "I can imagine. Such terrible figures would do such a thing. Well. Marshal." And Kathedoc walks back into the cathedral.

TRAVIS: Could I make my way over to the corpse of the Laughing Hand? I'm sure it's already been looked, but since it's--

MATT: No one's gotten near it. There's like a wide berth around, everyone just like--

ASHLEY: I wanted to look.


TRAVIS: We walk over and do a search just on its body, I know it's charred black, but anything that sticks out that might've been on it?

MATT: Make an investigation check.

LAURA: Guidance!

TRAVIS: I don't think it works like that, but that's okay, because it's 22.

MATT: 22? Okay. You step forward, and everyone around stops and watches you as you do it. They're just like, "Oh shit, he's approaching this thing." And it's-- stepping up to it again, the face is like this much higher than you, and it still has strong definition, though it is just black, and it's all gray, and it looks cracked and textured, and as you like, reach up and grab at the cloak to try and, the edges of the cloak or the body you pull, as soon as you touch it, the body (whooshing), scatters into ash. Leaving this pile and trail.

TRAVIS: Let the winds take you to your place of rest.

(Sam and Marisha laughing)

TALIESIN: That's real deep.

LAURA: I hope somebody got a picture. Somebody took a picture, right?

TALIESIN: Did you just think of that?

TRAVIS: Yeah. I mean, it just came to me on the winds. Wildmother be up in here.

MARISHA: (laughs)

TALIESIN: Up in here.

TRAVIS: (whistles)

TALIESIN: So true.

ASHLEY: He was probably stuck in there.

MARISHA: Did Kathedoc head downstairs?

MATT: He's gathering the rest of the Cobalt Soul, as well as the Righteous Brand soldiers that went ahead of them, that met with you guys, are beginning to head down ahead of the Cobalt Soul. Looks like they're building like a small regiment to now go down and investigate.

MARISHA: Does it look at any case, like by my assessment, that I can like, say something to him on the side without Marshal seeing?

MATT: Possibly. I mean, the marshal's not like right there at all times, is just keeping an eye on all of you and making sure you aren't going to just run off somewhere.

MARISHA: Okay. I will then saunter over to Kathedoc.

MATT: Okay. "All right, we're preparing our things to-- Beauregard, did you need something?"

MARISHA: Just... be suspicious of everybody.

MATT: "I am."

MARISHA: I don't know who's a part of all this.

MATT: "That's the problem with cults."


MATT: "Annoying. We'll keep a watch. Thank you."

TRAVIS: Can I sidle over to Caleb and just quietly ask him if he's all right, if he knows anyone in this room.

LIAM: Have I recognized either the garb of, or specific people?

MATT: Mm-mm. I mean, beyond, you know, the bodies on the ground that are the Chantry's dress--

LIAM: You can assume his antennas are just going woo-woo-woo.

MATT: Yeah. By the way, Caleb has antennas, I don't know I guys got that. Yeah, nothing catches your attention.

SAM: I will ask Caleb, do you think I should like, transform into a non-gobliny sort of thing? Or is that going to take too much attention over here?

TALIESIN: I think at this point we're just going to be--

LIAM: Right out in the open.

SAM: Mm-hmm.

TALIESIN: We're here now, aren't we?

MATT: You do gather, at the very least, I mean, there are stares. People aren't going to not stare at a civilized goblin in the middle of the capital of the Empire. But based on what Kathedoc had said, between Pumat, Kathedoc, you're not unknown figures to the people that are here. You know, as far as like on a large scale trusted, you don't know yet. But you gather, while people are staring, they're not, like, scowling and looking to run up and arrest the goblin.

SAM: Cool.

ASHLEY: Is the cloak still on the ground? Or did that disappear as well?

MATT: There are chunks of the cloak you can see, but most of it's burned away. The inferno that incinerated the Laughing Hand took most of the clothing with it, and it was just this statue-esque figure, column of ash, that loosely resembled the Laughing Hand until it was scattered.

ASHLEY: I'd like to go up and take some of the pieces of his cloak.

MATT: Okay, you gather, they're small pieces, maybe no more than the size of your hand or so, and they're most blackened and curled where the thick, heavy threads have pulled back from the flames, but you gather a few pieces.

ASHLEY: I gather them and... I'm going to put them in my book.

MATT: Okay.

ASHLEY: Close my book and put it back in my bag.

MATT: All right.

MARISHA: Can I go over to the bodies of the cultists that are laid out?

MATT: Yes.

MARISHA: I just take a minute to inspect them, see if there's any type of parchment, any unifying insignias, jewelry, anything on them.

MATT: Sure, make an investigation check.


MARISHA: Was that a Guidance?

MATT: Boop is the universal symbol for Guidance, Marisha.

TALIESIN: That's how he Guidances, I just go boop.

MATT: You just got booped!

MARISHA: This fucking thing. You saw, I really do, I really fucking do. Adding a d4.

TRAVIS: 17, ah, six.

MARISHA: Okay, 16 total. 16 total-- what just happened?

MATT: I turned off the lighting, because we're not in the battlefield anymore.

LIAM: You blacked out for like two minutes, are you okay?


SAM: It's Tuesday.

MATT: You begin to go through the pockets. You quickly realize that all of these bodies have already been checked. The investigation has been underway, and the Crownsguard and the Righteous Brand that are around, it looks like they've already gone through and grabbed things for their investigation. Looking at the people, there's no, what you can discern, like tattoos or markings or anything that is unified about them, and most of them just look like people. The ages range from early 20s, impressionable youth to, you know, older folks that look a bit, you know, haggard and weathered, by just time and the elements. I mean, the most frustrating aspect of cultists is sometimes they just look like the person next door.

MARISHA: I'm going to look at the Righteous Brand.

MATT: Okay.

MARISHA: Anyone looking shifty, anyone looking nervous, anyone looking like they don't want to get caught? Anyone looking like they're too close to the investigation? I've been watching a lot of Forensic Files.

MATT: Make an insight check.

TRAVIS: Anybody carrying crystal meth in their butt cheeks?


MATT: Second soldier's clenching real hard.

LIAM: With his Pu-muscles?

TRAVIS: (laughs)

MARISHA: 20 total.

MATT: 20 total.

LAURA: Beat me to it like by--

MATT: In the way that you're looking for, no. I mean, there are soldiers that are curious, partially just because of the odd company in the chamber, the massacre that's happened, you know, they don't have all the information. They don't know anything about the Chained Oblivion, they don't know anything about this. A lot of these soldiers just got here and were given instructions to try and find things and look around, and you can see them, you know, shifty in a sense that they're watching you intently and they're looking for any other exits and making sure that nobody who's not allowed to be here is entering the scene of this battle, but nobody triggers your... your brain in the way that you're-- you'd be worried about them being unnaturally nervous.

MARISHA: I just look at the ones that are looking at me, just--

SAM: Hey. Do we have any privacy, or are we--

TRAVIS: Not much.

SAM: -- in the open? Okay.

MATT: The marshal's like 15 feet from you.

LIAM: Caleb, who is covered in his own blood and lots of ooze and is pretty fucked up, standing between Nott and Fjord just is looking at the room and says: It is going to be such an interesting day. There are so many people to meet.

TRAVIS: Here in the city?

TALIESIN: I hadn't thought about it.

TRAVIS: If we have the chance, would you prefer to not be here?

LIAM: I love this city.

LAURA: I am robot.

TRAVIS: Glad to hear it. Glad to hear it.

MATT: "Are you ready?"


LIAM: So ready.

SAM: Yes.

LAURA: Beep bop boop.

MATT: The marshal gives you a curious look.

TRAVIS: She was hit very intensely in this fight.

MATT: "I can see that. Come." And you can see now, a troop of about 10 Righteous Brand soldiers accompany you guys, flanking to the sides and back. Keeping about a five-foot distance from you, they're not shoulder to shoulder, but they're definitely keeping you... encircled a bit. You're being herded, and led out of the cathedral into the now rainy streets of Rexxentrum. And we'll go ahead and take a break.


ASHLEY: I don't want to take a break!

MATT: It's okay.

LIAM: Liam runs up the street.

MATT: (laughs) All righty, we'll be back here in a minute and see this next element of the story. In the meantime, we do have our giveaway for tonight from our friends at Wyrmwood. This is a Bolivian rosewood dice tray, with leather interior, from our friends from Wyrmwood. It's awesome, it's got good function, as you've seen here.

LAURA: I think that's what I have.

MATT: I think it is, yeah. It's what Laura uses. So one lucky winner in the chat will get this. The word tonight is "punished."

LAURA: Punished.

MATT: "Punished." Enter it once and once only, more than once, you'll be disqualified in the chat, and once again, it's for U.S. and Canada only, excluding Quebec, because of stupid laws. We'll come back here shortly with the winner. We'll see you guys in a little bit. (click)



(upbeat music) ♪ You got the perfect warlock ♪ ♪ Her weapons and supplies ♪ ♪ But you need a place to track your stuff ♪ ♪ 'Cause you're so disorganized ♪ ♪ You click open the web page ♪ ♪ You heard about on Critical Role ♪ ♪ And now you're ready to kick some butt ♪ ♪ In that mineshaft full of gnolls ♪ ♪ It's D&D;, D&D; ♪ ♪ Yeah, D&D; Beyond ♪ ♪ Yeah D&D;, D&D; ♪ ♪ Yeah, D&D; Beyond ♪ ♪ You got your stats, you've got your swords ♪ ♪ And you got your invisible wand ♪ ♪ It's D&D;, D&D; ♪ ♪ D&D; ♪ ♪ D&D; Beyond ♪ (upbeat jazz music) WILL: Hey everyone, the insanely talented Will Friedle here. I'm excited to announce that I have a new late night talk show coming to the Critical Role YouTube channel on Wednesdays called Mini Primetime. It's brought to you by the same creators as that one show with the hippie kid with the bracelets, whatever that is. Anyway, my show, Mini Primetime, is a mini painting show for beginners and veterans alike where this handsome face teaches the Critical Role cast how to paint their own Mighty Nein minis. We're going to be focusing on specific techniques like fades, small detail work, and taking your mini to the next level by adding to your base. So look for it soon on Critical Role's YouTube. Critical Role, what is that, what is even a Critical Role? Oh, that's right, that was the show with Kash. (upbeat jazz music) TRAVIS (V.O.): Last time on Yee-Haw Game Ranch. TRAVIS: Look around you, Brian, fuck! This place is a winter wonderland! BRIAN: Can I open a present? TRAVIS: No, don't fucking touch that. FLINT: What in tarnation's got you so gosh-darn cheery, you disintegrating Stretch Armstrong doll? TRAVIS: (laughs) What's wrong with the wing? BRIAN: Wait, is that-- FLINT: It's me, Flint Westwood. TRAVIS: (laughs) Hey, Flint Westwood! Oh man, what have you been up to? We missed you. FLINT: Terry tells me you got in a tussle with Bast'Alar. BRIAN: It all happened so fast, to be honest with you, and Bast'Alar had some sort of eldritch being named Specimen X. TRAVIS: Yeah, yeah. FLINT: This is worse than I could ever imagine. The guardians of Ov, the splicing of the god particle, the end of time. BRIAN: Wait, wait, wait, wait. The guardians of Ov, the splicing of the what? FLINT: Before the hands of time made their first tick, the Ov created a high council of gods to help with the creation of the Gameverse. Once all the work had been done, the gods became restless and spiteful, and turned against Ov! This was known-- TRAVIS: (laughs) FLINT: -- as the War of the Gods. To change the tides in their favor, the Ov created four great titans to keep the other gods at bay. Once peace came to the world, these guardians of Ov were buried deep beneath the Dye'mor. TRAVIS: Wow. FLINT: It's been rumored that Bast'Alar is searching for the DNA of these beasts, and experimenting with cyber-eldritch gene splicing with the help of Void Tech Industries. TRAVIS: Wait, we're over here. BRIAN: Void Tech Industries? FLINT: I've been training soldiers at Yee-Haw Fantasy Ranch for a time now, and I thought I was a long way from letting them out in the world, but it looks like we need to exhaust every option. Knights! All right, so this one that looks like a wild stallion with nice teeth is Sir Matthew Mercer, and this personified firecracker is Sir Marisha Ray. May they bring you the extra support you need in your adventure. TRAVIS: Get away! Don't touch my fucking silver dollar pancakes! Rooty tooty, fresh 'n' fruity. MARISHA: (babbling) Fucking-- oh! TRAVIS: God, am I the best there's ever been? Woo! BRIAN: Can you take from someone else's plate? MARISHA: Don't encourage him. MATT: I'm not, it was-- I'm not going to turn him down, if I see a hand, I five it. TRAVIS: Yeah, look, he's guarding me. MATT: That's the rules! You guard your guy, all right, this guy, we got it on lock. Bottom right-- BRIAN: Bottom right-hand corner. MARISHA: Okay, okay, okay. BRIAN: You guys get that bottom. TRAVIS: Go to the top! MARISHA: Okay, okay, okay! TRAVIS: Now go to the lower left! BRIAN: Stop, stop, stop! TRAVIS: Fucking Peach! Get your shit together! MARISHA: Okay. TRAVIS: Honestly, those three balloons would not lift her. That is not nearly enough helium. MATT: This has broken my immersion. MARISHA: We are in a helium crisis, Toadette. TRAVIS: Yeah, that's irre-fucking-sponsible. MARISHA: What are you doing? TRAVIS: Think of Mother Gaia! (laughter) I'm calling it right now, you're rolling a five. It's going to be five, I got a five, anybody else? BRIAN: Two. (shouting) TRAVIS: I'm just saying! Let's go to Vegas! MARISHA: Vegas, Vegas, Vegas! TRAVIS: Stay away, stay away, stay away! MARISHA: Shit. TRAVIS: Is there like a boost? Is there a boost? MATT: I like how Brian is just playing French tactics here. MARISHA: (laughs) Look, it's Travis, it's about Travis, okay? It's really about Travis. TRAVIS: All the way back to my Will Smith Independence Days. MARISHA: Son of a-- TRAVIS: Ooh, yeah! MARISHA: -- bitch! BRIAN: Hold right there in the corner, right there! You got this, Marisha. (screaming and shouting) (Marisha groans) TRAVIS: Which way do I go? Straight? MARISHA: Why not down? What-- oh. BRIAN: Special event. MARISHA: What did you do to us, Jerry? MATT: No! I finally made it this far up the track! MARISHA: Fucking A, Jerry! Goddamn it, Jerry! BRIAN: I moved, I moved in time. TRAVIS: I'm so pissed right now. BRIAN: I moved in time. TRAVIS: Why did you tell me to go straight? MATT: It took me three turns to get there, by the way. BRIAN: Got to finish soft. MARISHA: Oh shit. Oh shit. TRAVIS: Yeah we do. MARISHA: (laughs) TRAVIS: Go to sleep, go to sleep. Go to sleep go to sleep. MATT: (laughs) (yelling) TRAVIS: Finish! MATT: There's a graph, guys. (laughter) BRIAN: I don't see the need for that. MATT: For those that need-- TRAVIS: You never even got off the ground. (laughter) Success, mild success, fucking sucks. (upbeat Mario music) TRAVIS: Yeah! MARISHA: Oh, it's music. Oh, that's fun. BRIAN: We can't hear the TV. (upbeat music) TRAVIS: You got the booty? MATT: God, what's going on?! I lost the beat! TRAVIS: Oh, it finally [inaudible]. Oh fucking-- BRIAN: God damn you, Seabiscuit. TRAVIS: Holy shit! BRIAN: Fuck you, Seabiscuit. TALIESIN: Like a symphony playing to an empty theater, Critical Role dines alone without its audience. Yes, that validating and most enthusiastic congregation on the other side of the fourth wall. And what is this fourth wall, separating the viewer from the creator? A portal to an often-sought point of connection, or... the Twitch Subscription Zone? On the rare occasion that you miss the live bacchanal boasted by the rag-tag group of thespians on Thursday night, you may always view the show on demand, in the shadowland known as... The Twitch Subscription Zone. Picture, if you will, the necessary pieces to complete a jigsaw puzzle, but it's up to you to choose how it will be solved. You could, of course, subscribe with your debt rectangle, but many more divergent paths lie before you. Perhaps you found yourself in possession of an Amazon Prime account. You would then wake up to discover a free Twitch subscription each month for a channel of your choosing. But this artifact demands renewal, for you must resubscribe each month to quench its unyielding thirst. One need not walk alone. Those who have already found their way can illuminate the path for others via the Gift a Sub button on Twitch. Critical Role is humbled by your subscription, and wishes to thank you from behind the thin veil of this... fourth wall. We hope you enjoy our content as much as we enjoy making it. And so ends another meandering digression, a complicated parody promo down an indistinct highway, to the region we call... the Twitch Subscription Zone. (eerie music) TALIESIN (V.O.): You will subscribe. Twitch Prime subscribe, gift subscribe. Subscribe. (dramatic music)

Part II[]

MATT: And welcome back. So-- that's a new one, velcro taint's a new one. Respect. Before we get back, do have our winner of our Wyrmwood giveaway. The winner is... Snarkysloane. Snarkysloane, congratulations, we'll go ahead and get you your Wyrmwood giveaway as soon as possible. So last we left off, you guys have stepped out into the raining cobblestone streets of the southern area beneath the Shimmer Ward within the city of Rexxentrum, being led by a host of Righteous Brand soldiers and the marshal. So as Marshal Ishmara brings you guys along, the streets you see in front of you are barren of townsfolk. Most buildings are closed up and silent. It's eerie, but the rain is somewhat welcoming, and Yasha, in particular, feeling the rain come down and hearing the distant rumble of thunder, it seems to be a very cleansing wash and experience. This is the first time you've come out into a storm in a while under your own will, and it feels nice.

ASHLEY: I just close my eyes for a minute and just let it fall.

MATT: Okay.

SAM: Matthew.

MATT: Yes?

SAM: Are any of the guards halflings?

MATT: I would say there is one that appears to be shorter than the others to a point where it could be halfling or gnome, you're not sure.

SAM: Then never mind.

MATT: Okay.

SAM: I won't talk to Beau in Halfling, then.

(Matt and Sam chuckling)

MATT: You're uncertain. As you're moving through, this eerie calm that falls over the city, the intensity that you remember it as you came to the cathedral, the sound of distant battle and screams and shouts just gives way to silence now. You hear some rapid footfalls, and you glance over and see another troop of about 15 or so townsguard rush by, hurried, but not in a break-neck sprint like you had previously encountered. It seems while the tension is still high in the city, and from the word that you heard earlier from the marshal, the Kryn assault is not currently a looming threat at this time. You're brought a little further south, I'm sorry, a little further north, approaching the heavy gates that open through the towering, pale wall of the Shimmer Ward. You do see two slain Kryn soldiers that are stacked alongside the edge of the street, where about a half-dozen townsguard bodies lay piled across the way on the opposite end. Quite a bit of death seemed to have happened in a short period of time. You can see splashes of crimson leaking from each of the stacks, but as the rain falls and gathers, you can see it beginning to slowly disseminate and blend in with the cobblestone ground. Several crownsguard present nod towards the marshal as you approach and lift the heavy steel gates up with a (clicking) as it raises up. You've entered the Shimmer Ward, a sprawling region of vibrant gardens that carve through the streets and neighborhoods like a colorful maze, encircling massive estates that house nobility and the wealthy elite. It reminds you of the Tri-Spires of Zadash, only on a much larger, grander, kind of oppressive scale. To the northwest, you can make out the rising walkways and ivory halls of the Soltryce Academy, peeking above the surrounding homes and guild halls, while the north and northeastern skyline gives way to the peaking, climbing towers of the Candles.

MARISHA: The what?

MATT: The Candles. The eight staggering towers that house the leaders of the Cerberus Assembly, each unique in its design and structure. Some seem to bend in impossible ways, some are beautifully carved to be smooth and stalwart, some seem to have their own offshoot separate, small towers, each competing to be unique against the others, but lending to this strange series of tall, looming tower shapes that consume that side of the horizon.

LAURA: I just walk up and I grab Caleb's hand, and I just say: Hey, we're here with you!

MATT: These sights only grasp your vision for about a moment, though, as your attention comes to the destination you walk towards. The inner walls of the terrace that holds Castle Ungebroch. As you walk to the barrier gatehouse, you look upon the dark stone gothic mass that is Castle Ungebroch. The central, pentagonal stronghold rises up like an intricate, jagged monolith, symbolizing the Empire's power. Numerous pointed spires and battlements surround the towers that peer from the bulky castle keep, housing intricate, elevated walkways and tall, arched windows of stained glass, not dissimilar to the cathedral you just left. The central castle curtain wall extends in four directions, into the surrounding quadrants that resemble their own separate strongholds that all attach to the main central castle. They encompass the entirety of the inside of this terrace, within the secondary walls that contain it. It's an awe-inspiring citadel of dizzying size. Numerous soldiers rush throughout the terrace, still driven by the chaos of the day, checking with each other, taking commands and doing passes around to ensure that, perhaps, if the attacks come back, they're ready. You're quickly ushered up to the entrance stairs, in through the main gate, into the shaded halls of the castle itself. Recurring sconce torchlight continues to create a warm, flickering glow to the tall but thin hallways. Your eyes can barely focus on the details of the stonework, the decor, and the personnel within before you are rushed to a holding vestibule of some kind. Barred windows let in the overcast light of the day, while stone benches line the walls of the otherwise unfurnished chamber. As you step in and are gently guided into the room, Marshal Ishmara goes, "Please wait here until you are summoned." Two of the soldiers step into the chamber, the marshal closes the door behind her, and those two soldiers remain inside, just flanking to the right and left of the door. The room itself is about 30 feet by 40 feet, it's quite an open space, with benches around it on the sides you can use to sit. But the space is yours for who knows how long.

SAM: Oh, we're alone?

MATT: You're alone except for two--

LAURA: There's guards in here.

MARISHA: Random guards.

MATT: Yeah, these are elite townsguard, you can see the-- or crownsguard. The armor they wear is similar to the rest of the crownsguard, but much like the marshal, they have elevated, signature threads across the cloak, and the armor on them appears to be more intricate, the helmet wears a feather-type plume on the top that signifies their elevated status.

TRAVIS: I quickly turn to Caleb and I say: We're going to rely on your experience here. Have you ever been in this chamber before?

LIAM: I don't imagine I have.

MATT: You have never been inside the castle.

LIAM: This is like the fucking Pentagon where we are right now.

TRAVIS: Oh shit.

MARISHA: Do you know who we might be speaking with?

TRAVIS: Or if they search their visitors?

TALIESIN: You have a bag.

LIAM: I don't know who we will be meeting.

MATT: The only name you heard before was the Prime Arbiter.


TALIESIN: Is there enough time for a short rest while we're in here?

MATT: Possibly. You don't know how long until you're going to be called, so you can begin to try for one, if you'd like.

MARISHA and TALIESIN: Might as well.

LIAM: Word will travel fast that we are here.

LAURA: Do you guys want to-- I'm just going to keep my back to the guards and take my symbol and put it into the bag of holding, the haversack.

MATT: (click) Good call.

TRAVIS: I will do the same.

TALIESIN: Yeah, I will.

TRAVIS: Slowly we all take a moment to casually walk over and deposit--

LAURA: Well, we all sit down in, like, a circle and rest, and chat.

SAM: Maybe I'll just, as everyone's chatting, I'm just going to go around and gather everyone's, with my sleight of hand.

LAURA: And just put them into the--

MARISHA: We make like a purse pile, like at conventions when you sit down and you just dump all your shit--

LAURA: Your bags in the middle and just talk.

TALIESIN: I'm definitely making tea.

LIAM: Caleb is going to just sink slide down a wall and pull his gore-covered cloak around himself and see if he can make it through a short rest. I can't remember if we had a short rest or if I've had a chance to use Arcane Recovery.

MATT: I believe you--

LIAM: I have no idea. So I'm just not going to.

TRAVIS: We did not, because we didn't do it before we went down after Nott.

MATT: I believe you did take a short rest.

LIAM: I don't know.

MATT: You did take a short rest on the stairs though, yeah?

LAURA: Yeah, we did.

MATT: I think you did use it then.

LAURA: Yeah.

LIAM: Okay. Well, I'm still doing the same action, I'm sinking down.

MATT: You got it.

LAURA: I guess I'll heal if we're taking a short rest.

TALIESIN: Assuming it finishes.

LAURA: Oh, well we don't know.

MATT: Assuming it finishes. But you guys can--

SAM: Are we doing a short rest, we don't know--

MATT: Beginning one, but you have the time to talk amongst yourselves and whatever.

ASHLEY: Are there any windows in this room?

MATT: There are. There are five tall windows on one side of the wall, on the wall, the side facing away from where you entered. It's a long chamber, it's 40 feet on one side and 30 feet wide, and these five windows are very tall and thin, and they're all matching, about maybe 12 feet tall, at its highest peak. They're standard windows, there's no color to them, they're not stained glass, but they are designed, the glass itself refracts it, so you can't quite make out the shapes outside, just the light and maybe some shadows.

SAM: Guys--

MATT: They are barred.

SAM: I was--


SAM: I was super hurt in that fight, and whew, I can't get my head straight. Remind me again. We are sent by whom to here? The guy from Zadash?

TRAVIS: Cobalt, doot doot.

MARISHA: Cobalt Reserve?

SAM: Yeah, what's his name again?

MARISHA: Archivist Zeenoth.

SAM: Zeenoth, that's right, that's right. And that's--

MARISHA: And Expositor Dairon.

SAM: Yeah, and he sent us here to talk about stuff. What stuff?

MARISHA: We got permission from the Cobalt Soul to investigate the Chained Oblivion.

SAM: Chained Oblivion, of course, yes.

LIAM: We have done a great good for the city.

ASHLEY: What are you guys, what?

SAM: Oh, yeah.

LAURA: Oh shit, you don't even know.

ASHLEY: You kept referring to this-- What are you talking about?

MARISHA: When did you leave? I'm a part of like a huge establishment arcing across the entire globe, a network of, a monastery called the Cobalt Soul. I don't know if I've ever told you that. You might've just thought I was still like a shit-kicker--


MARISHA: -- when you left.

ASHLEY: I am familiar with the Cobalt Soul.

LAURA: Also, you weren't actually following this thing called the Angel of Irons, you were following the Chained Oblivion.

SAM: Were you aware of anything, or were you just sort of a mindless robot?

ASHLEY: I was fully aware of everything. I just had no control over what I was doing and the choices that, I couldn't make any, I couldn't make any choices.

LAURA: I knew that you didn't want to be evil, Yasha.

ASHLEY: Thank you, Jester.

SAM: I was on the fence.


MARISHA: So, question. Because you don't remember much past when you woke up, and you were called the Orphan Maker. Has all of this happened to you before?

ASHLEY: Yeah. All of the time that I lost in between, or after I left the tribe, I guess Obann had found me before, and we traveled together and did very bad things. But I didn't remember until he found me again, and a lot of things are still coming back to me now.

LAURA: How did you break free before?

ASHLEY: Well, I was... I somehow came upon a shrine of the Stormlord. And I sort of-- I woke up, still feeling out of sorts, but I felt a little bit more me.

SAM: Wasn't Obann only interested in individuals who had a prolonged existence? A resistance to death? And are you immortal?

ASHLEY: No, I'm not immortal, but it's what he would call his unstoppable family, so--

SAM: Why were you unstoppable?

ASHLEY: Well, I think we can die and come back a little bit easier than other people.

SAM: That was just innate in you, or he gave that to you?

ASHLEY: I think it's something that I maybe already had.


SAM: Where'd you get it?

ASHLEY: I don't know.

LAURA: Yasha's a superhero. (gasps) Yasha's a superhero, just like-- oh my gosh.

ASHLEY: No, I can die, of course, and if I died and somebody left me there and didn't do anything, I don't think I would just like come back to life. I think it's just very easy to bring me back, I guess.

LAURA: Yasha, have you ever had a halo?

ASHLEY: What's a halo?

LAURA: It's like a circle around your head that glows all the time.

MARISHA: Yeah, this girl we traveled with, Reani, she had one.

LAURA: Because she was a superhero.


ASHLEY: I've never had anything above my head but my hair, and, you know, if things are flying around.

SAM: Maybe a hat?

LAURA: I don't feel a halo.

MARISHA: You have like, wings, ish, yeah?

ASHLEY: Yeah, but I mean, that's something that comes out at weird times, it's not really--

TRAVIS: To catch you up, we've been chasing this Angel of Irons, which is a terrible entity called Tharizdun, the Chained Oblivion.

SAM: And we've been chasing that entity because of your mission for the Cobalt Soul, right?

MARISHA: Absolutely, got approval from day one.

SAM: Yep, yep, okay. Sanctioned mission.


TRAVIS: That is the story.

MARISHA: All for the Empire.


ASHLEY: I believe... We met some members of the Cobalt Soul.

SAM: Ooh, yeah.

LAURA: Yeah, you did, Yasha.


MARISHA: That was when I felt like I knew you were either definitely evil or definitely-- yeah.

LAURA: You knew it was either one of those things.

SAM: It's a binary choice.

LAURA: Yes, yeah, it was definitely not--

MARISHA: Evil or not yourself, I guess.

TRAVIS: Yasha, did you leave this plane of existence at any time? I know that's a strange question, but did you travel anywhere that wasn't here?


TRAVIS: Do you remember what for?

SAM: Or where?

MATT: It was mainly for travel.

SAM: Whatcha reading?

TRAVIS: Hand me that page you're--


ASHLEY: We just traveled a lot. I think we were.

SAM: One thing, just, we should focus on what we're going to say in there, of course, but real quick. This thing about you being a little bit more likely to become alive again after you're dead, did something draw you to Mollymauk? How did you meet him? Because didn't he say that the same thing happened to him?

LIAM: He crawled his way out of a grave.


TRAVIS: (loud inhale)

ASHLEY: I mean, I just-- I met him because, when I finally came to, I came upon their circus, and I met them and I met Mollymauk and the rest of them, and it was just happenstance that I came across them, and he became my friend.

SAM: Did anything particularly draw you to each other?

LAURA: Other than the fact that you're both wonderful?

SAM: Well yeah, of course.

ASHLEY: Well, I mean, I was drawn to him because he was Mollymauk. I don't think there was any reason we were brought together, but I'm very glad he found me when he did.

MARISHA: Speaking of, check it out, I got this dope tattoo that's very much like his. Yeah, look at that. Yeah. It's healed now.

TRAVIS: It's a habit.

ASHLEY: I do have a question.

SAM: Yeah, go ahead.

ASHLEY: Why are you speaking differently?

TALIESIN: (laughs)

TRAVIS: Right.

SAM: He got kicked by a donkey in Zadash. Messed up his whole head. Forgot who he was, couldn't walk for days. Peed his pants, it was a mess. He's just starting to walk and talk again now.

ASHLEY: That can't be true. I don't feel like if you were kicked in the head by a donkey you would start talking differently.

SAM: Bent over to tie his shoe, got kicked in the head by a donkey, totally different guy.

TRAVIS: I think I know a guy in Texas that happened to. (laughter)

TALIESIN: Is he British now, out of curiosity?

TRAVIS: He got kicked up.

LIAM: That man's name is Hugh Grant.


TRAVIS: You're not imagining things. I had pretended to sort of emulate someone I looked up to very much, and I found, while you were away, that there was no point in trying to be someone else. I should just try and live this life as me, and while this voice had not served me very well previously, I've decided to give it a go, because fuck it.

ASHLEY: Hmm. Well, this is actually not the way that I talk.

SAM: What? (Laura gasps)

ASHLEY: I was just kidding.


LIAM: Hey DM, question. Are the two guards like ping-pong listening to all of this?

MATT: You guys are far enough away where they-- unless they have some super hearing-- they can't hear you.

LIAM: How far away are they?

MATT: They're probably close to 30 feet from you guys. I imagine you guys are having this conversation close to near the windows. But they're less hearing and more just watching to make sure you don't do anything funny.

LIAM: Caleb is listening to all the shenanigans around him and is bathed in a total cold sweat.

MATT: Okay.

SAM: But turning attention towards what might happen in there, no mention of visits across the old--

LAURA: Mm-mm.

SAM: Range?

MARISHA: I would also assume that these walls have ears.


TRAVIS: They might be monitoring.

TALIESIN: Oh, okay.

LAURA: So don't fart.

TRAVIS: For untrustworthy folks, not us.

LAURA: Because people don't like it when you fart in their castle.


LAURA: I've heard.

ASHLEY: Why are you so stressed, Caleb?

LAURA: Oh Yasha.

TRAVIS: (laughs)

LAURA: He's just really got to fart. And he's holding it in, I can see it on his face. He's sweating because of it.

TRAVIS: There's so much for us to catch up on.

LAURA: Well, I am certainly not one to judge, so if you need to fart, you can fart.

TRAVIS: Perhaps you should do us all a favor and fart, Caleb.

LAURA: Don't do it, don't do it in the castle, they really don't like it.

TRAVIS: -- fart lose. You'll never forgive yourself.

ASHLEY: Yeah, you should never trust a fart.

LIAM: There's nothing there.

LAURA: (laughs)

TRAVIS: Can I keep an eye on the back of his pants for a little Plinko machine action?


LIAM: Don't look at my Pu-muscles.


SAM: But we have your authority from the Cobalt Soul, we have a symbol that we were given.

LIAM: We have done a great service to the city, so hopefully--

TRAVIS: And remember, we were trying to keep an eye on enemy incursions from the Dynasty into the Empire.

SAM: Do you think any personnel need be mentioned in this discussion?

MARISHA: How do you mean, which personnel?

SAM: Well, their personnel? We are sort of suspicious of some of them. We have names of people who--

TRAVIS: I don't think so. We're kind of in, you know, the heart of this thing.

TALIESIN: Is it also just possible that we did a good thing, and good things are now going to happen?

TRAVIS: Certainly.


LAURA: Yeah.

MARISHA: Good things don't just happen, Caduceus.

TALIESIN: I mean, I'm not saying I'm right all the time, but I've been right before.

TRAVIS: There is, if I'm correct, I remember hearing about certain abilities that would cause you to speak only the truth, right? So let's be sure that if you are unsure of your truth, maybe don't say anything.

MARISHA: Let's just stick to the facts. We're not guilty of anything.

LAURA: That's right.

MARISHA: So don't act like it.

SAM: I mean.

TALIESIN: I'm not ashamed of anything I've done.

LAURA: Nott. Just don't talk.

SAM: I'll take a big swig.

LAURA: Oh no.

LIAM: This is the second time we have done this, only now we have no trump card.

MARISHA: Well, we have our, some are from the Empire.

SAM: One note. Yasha, you've met some of these folks before that we might encounter in there, and one of them took a liking to you, right?

LAURA: Mm-hmm.

TRAVIS: Oh, are we going to see them?

SAM: I don't know.

MARISHA: Oh, Trent? Ooh.

SAM: I mean--

LAURA: Why do you think Caleb looks like he's going to fart?


LIAM: Nothing.

ASHLEY: Trent?

MATT: (door creaking)

TRAVIS: Oh fuck.

MATT: The door opens--

SAM: Did we get a short rest in?

MATT: You didn't quite get a short rest.


TRAVIS: (laughs) Woo!

LIAM: Eight hit points.

MATT: The door opens and the marshal arrives once more. "You are to leave your weapons within the chamber. Follow me."

TRAVIS: Not a problem.

LAURA: Do you have any spells? You should heal Caleb. He's got no hit points.

MATT: One of the guards comes in, and somebody from behind comes with a small table and sets it up outside of the door, and as you approach, the marshal gestures towards the table to leave your weapons within.

LAURA: That's my name.

TRAVIS: I will put the whip and whatever other thing, but there is no sword to be seen.

MATT: Yeah, that's true. All right.

SAM: I'll put my crossbow, and see if I can just sort of keep the gun tucked away.

MATT: Roll a sleight of hand check.

TRAVIS: Oh boy.

MATT: You have a gun and a dagger on you.

SAM: A gun and a dagger, you're right. That is sleight of hand?

MATT: Yes.

SAM: 29.

MATT: You feel pretty confident that you hid both the dagger and the gun without issue.

TALIESIN: What good it will do you, beyond me.

MARISHA: I bring my fists, because they're always with me, bitches!

TALIESIN: You have to register them, though, before you can--

MATT: You do, you do. Do you leave your staff?


MATT: Leave your staff?

MARISHA: Yeah, I leave my staff.

MATT: Okay.

TRAVIS: Do they have names?

MARISHA: I'll get back to you on that.

TALIESIN: I'll leave my shield. Are they going to make noise about my staff?

MATT: Yes.

TALIESIN: Can I keep my crystal or no?


TALIESIN: All right. I don't-- all right.

LAURA: I'm going to place my handaxe down. Should I leave my shield? I leave my awesome new shield.

MATT: Do you have your-- oh, you have the rod, that doesn't look like a weapon, necessarily.

LAURA: I can leave it. I've got a couple wands on me.

MARISHA: It looks like a princess scepter.

MATT: I'd say, unless you're going to try and hide them, they're going to want you to place anything that could possibly be a weapon.

LAURA: All right, I'll put my one rod, and I'll put my Wand of Smiles as well down.

MATT: Okay. You have two swords.

ASHLEY: I mean, I'm not going to hurt anybody.

MATT: "Please."

TALIESIN: Set it there.

LIAM: Shunk!

ASHLEY: I put the Skingorger down.

MATT: "And?"

SAM: That's more of like a walking stick.

ASHLEY: Magician's Judge.

MATT: Okay.

LAURA: I'm also going to put my old metal orc mask on the table.

MATT: (laughs)

LIAM: Just put it on. I'm ready.

LAURA: And some hair oil.

ASHLEY: Oh, I forgot about that hair oil.

MARISHA: And a business card for the hair oil.


TALIESIN: Slide it. Don't break eye contact.

LAURA: Should I leave my weasel on the table, or just, can I take the weasel with me? He's just--

TRAVIS: (as Sprinkle) Help!


TALIESIN: The weasel looks up, "Call the guards!"

MATT: Which would you prefer?

LAURA: I'll take him with me.

MATT: Make a persuasion check.

SAM: (as Sprinkle) Call the ASPCA, please!

MATT: (as Sprinkle) Call the police!

LIAM: I would like to immigrate to the Empire.


LAURA: Persuasion, persuasion. Is that a 14 or a 19?


LAURA: Is that a 14 or a 19?

TALIESIN: I can't see because your finger's in the way. That's a 14.

LAURA: Okay, so that is a 19.

MATT: "You can keep the weasel."

LAURA: Thank you.

TRAVIS: (as Sprinkle) No!


SAM: It's trying to slip a note to the guard.


TALIESIN: My name is Toby!

LIAM: Desperately doing Thieves' Cant.

TALIESIN: Call my parents!


MATT: All right.

LAURA: Poor Sprinkle. I love-- I'm petting Sprinkle.


MATT: With all the noticed weapons placed upon the table and surrendered.

SAM: It's blinking S.O.S.

MATT: The marshal leads you out of the chamber. You are then led down a rapid flurry of turns, each arched hallway bending from the last until you come upon a large set of double doors carved from a deep red wood, each bearing the crest of the Dwendalian Empire, the familiar owl and wheat over the crown symbol. I've shown you guys that, right? The symbol?

MARISHA: The owl?

MATT: That's the symbol.

LAURA: Fucking owls.

LAURA: Whoa.

MARISHA: What the fuck.

LAURA: That's the symbol for the Empire?

MATT: Yeah.

LAURA: Cool.

TALIESIN: No, you have never shown it to us.

LAURA: That's the whole Empire?

MATT: That is the consistent--

LAURA: Can I see it, can I see it?

MATT: Sure.

TALIESIN: They give a hoot.

MARISHA: Piece of shit.

TRAVIS: Shame on you, Taliesin.

TALIESIN: I have so many unused owl puns, I got to do something with them.

MATT: There you go.

MARISHA: (laughs)

LIAM: No, save them, save them for the future.

MATT: The marshal knocks on the door heavily. The resonant boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, echoing throughout the nearby walls. A moment later, the doors open from within. (imitating doors opening) And you're brought into an enormous chamber, the ceiling ramping up towards the back, where the extremely tall back walls bear numerous red banners that hang nearly 40 to 50 feet from the apex. Multiples of them. Elite Crownsguard are stationed throughout the room, while the back center of the chamber climbs via stair to multiple small platforms, almost forum-like, containing empty high-backed chairs that face inward towards the pinnacle of the rising stairs, where a platform, wide on the top, holds multiple figures gathered around an incredibly tall throne. It's at this point you gather that you're in the throne chamber of King Bertrand Dwendal.

TRAVIS: Fuck me. Okay.

MATT: You're ushered into the room and led to the stair, climbing them one by one. The footfalls echo throughout the spacious hall, and your ears pick up the sound of your heart beating faster. (imitating heart beating) You can hear the muffled sounds of conversation coming from above. You begin to reach the apex of the climb and tip over the top, to arrive at the gathering of eight figures, all of which are standing but one. Sitting atop the large-backed throne itself you see a man in his late 60s. His past-shoulder-length, wavy dark gray hair bunched over his brown and gold noble attire, a long, thin beard that just crests down from his chin is tied from beneath, and a crown of gold upon his brow to the same symbol as the one you see on the bottom of the crest. From artworks and depictions you've seen, you now know this to be King Bertrand Dwendal. Sitting to the king's right is an older male gnome of darker skin, white receding hair, and robes of matching colors to the king's attire. You two make History checks for me.

MARISHA: Not this one, not that one.

LIAM: My hands are drenched. History?

MATT: Yes.

LIAM: 18.


MATT: Great. Both of you recognize this figure to likely be Oliver Schreiber, who is the retainer to the crown. The direct associate and assistant to the king.

SAM: Oliver who?

MATT: Schreiber.

LAURA: Shribe.

MATT: Schreiber.

LAURA: Schreiber.

MARISHA: Like the assistant to the crown, like hand of the king type of thing?

MATT: Kind of, yeah, the retainer. To the left of the king you see a man of similar age to the king, though he stands tall and thin from within his immaculately tailored garments of silver silks, jeweled epaulets, and billowing sleeves. His pale skin and very tightly trimmed hair atop a clean-shaven, if intense and judging, long face. You both know this likely to be Prime Arbiter Sydnock Truscan.

SAM: Sydnock... Truscan.

MATT: He is the leader of the noble Truscan family, which oversee much of the Truscan Vale, which is the far-west area where Deastok and Kamordah currently are.

MARISHA: Yeah. All right.

MATT: Within the current council that surrounds this platform, you see an agender half-elf of middle age wrapped in the most elaborate robes of the Cobalt Soul you've had yet to encounter. Their short red hair tangles like a flame while their expression masks their true mood with a neutral smile. Beau, you recognize them immediately by reputation, not by visual recognition, as the High Curator Yudala Fon, Herald of the Rexxentrum Archive.

TRAVIS: Yudala Fon?

MATT: Yudala Fon. The rest of the group that you're greeting here are familiar to you all. Arcanist Allura Vysoren--

LAURA: (gasps) Yay!

MATT: --looks at you with a nod. Headmaster Oremid Hass halts his conversation with Martinet Ludinus Da'leth as they both look your way upon your approach. Ludinus looking in your direction.

SAM: Ludinus.

TRAVIS: How are their expressions when they look upon us, especially Allura? Is it inviting, worrisome, what do we see on their face?

LAURA: She nodded warmly.

MATT: She nodded, like, acknowledging your arrival. There is a figure that-- okay, one of the eight figures is a very very well-armored guard, you do not see the face, and they stay to the side and the back of the throne of the king. It looks like a personal protector, a guard who is just at all times, full plate armor, a tall figure, and with no expression, you just see the helmet itself and dark shadow where the eyes would be, and is just at any given point in time ready to protect the king.

MARISHA: Is Yudala Fon Zadash or Rexxentrum?

MATT: Rexxentrum.

MARISHA: That's right, okay.

MATT: The last figure, to your immediate right, is the old, jaundiced face of Master Trent Ikithon. (Sam inhaling sharply) As you approach, Allura speaks up. "Ah, yes, these are the Mighty Nein I spoke of, your grace. They are the ones who uncovered the plot by this hidden religious sect." Oremid Hass then speaks up. "Indeed, since our encounter, I've looked into the threads that connect to this Angel of Irons, the disparate records of their doing and the machinations of the Chained Oblivion. The similarities are embarrassing to have not been caught sooner, my liege." The king sits and leans forward on the throne. "And you know this has not been done by the Dynasty hands, how? The timing of their attack on the capital and this apparent cult event is convenient, is it not?"


LAURA: (whispering)

MATT: They all turn and look towards you as you clear your throat.

TALIESIN: It definitely struck us as well. My personal theory, if there's interest, this cult, (clears throat) this cult, wow, uses a lot of mind control and manipulation. My theory as to why the quick retreat happened, seemingly in an unexpected way, was the-- this is really nerve-wracking. Was perhaps--

SAM: I've never heard you talk this loud.

TALIESIN: I've never heard me talk this loud.

SAM: (laughs)

TALIESIN: Due to the sudden realization that they didn't entirely understand what their motivations were in the first place. They may have panicked when control over a couple key members was released. I have no proof of this other than--

SAM: The timing.

TALIESIN: Just a suspicion and the timing.

MATT: The king goes, "This-- this just a hunch, as you would say."

TALIESIN: An educated guess.

MATT: "You look perhaps not as educated as one would assume?"

TALIESIN: Thank you!

MATT: Yudala speaks up and steps forward. "It is odd timing, my liege, but our operatives have been closely monitoring Kryn movements for some time, and there is little sign of a larger involvement with this cult. We've numerous expositors who've infiltrated the enemy, and current estimation is that perhaps this cult instead orchestrated their attack in time with the Kryn assault, not the other way around. One such expositor I speak of was part of this troop. Expositor Beauregard, welcome. If you would speak to our king on what you've discovered while you were in Xhorhas."

(scattered applause)

SAM: Woo!

MARISHA: You don't have to-- Yes, it seems there is a very significant... evidence to suggest that this war between the Dynasty and the Empire exists no more than... personal grudge that has existed for hundreds of years. You're right, this is nerve-wracking. While some members of the Kryn Dynasty might have also experienced mind control, we did see evidence that there were portals from the hells being opened up-- or from the Abyss, my apologies. On the Dynasty side, just as equally as we found evidence that there were portals being opened up on the Empire side, which honestly, to my educated guess, leads me to believe that this was some sort of potentially global infiltration that was being planned. Like punching holes between realities, and with enough holes, you get a thinner and thinner veil that's more easily torn--

LAURA: Like termites.

MARISHA: Like termites, thank you.

MATT: (as Ludinus) "She speaks truth." And everyone looks over, and you can see Martinet Ludinus Da'leth, in his older elvish, very graceful form, step forward, his robe strafing behind. "There have been a number of these portals discovered across the Empire for some weeks now, each one seemingly housed by some sort of dimensional anchor. They have been gathered and destroyed. And from what we can gather, these were possibly placed by either the Kryn or by this cult. Based on the information that has been presented, while we at first thought perhaps it was to scramble and confuse us, to enable the ease of attack on our own soil, this... dimensional puncturing, as you perhaps put it, seems to lean closer in the direction of what this cult was attempting to achieve."

MARISHA: And with all due respect, Ludinus, we have first-hand evidence that there were other members... from the Empire as well who were responsible in placing these devices, not just Kryn operatives.

MATT: This king at this point has been like tugging and stroking, listening-- on his beard down below his chin goes, "Well then please, tell us."

MARISHA: We found this device... one of the mechanisms used to open these portals, with a piece of this... fabric that we traced back, and with the help of the incredible cleric Jester Lavore, scryed and traced it back to an... Empire operative.

TRAVIS: Is anyone shifting, is anyone blushing?

MATT: Make an Insight check.

TALIESIN: I was definitely going to look for that as well.

LAURA: Specifically the martinet.




SAM: Oh boy.

MARISHA: Oh my god.

SAM: This nerve-wracking scene--

MARISHA: I'm fucking freaking out.

SAM: Brought to you by Dwarvenforge. I don't know why it would be brought to you by Dwarvenforge, there's no Dwarvenforge on the table. But I have nothing else to say.

LAURA: All tense moments brought to you by Dwarvenforge.

MARISHA: Feels like talking to an actual fucking king.

LIAM: Is fancy pants in here?

SAM: Fancy pants?

LIAM: Vence.

SAM: Vency pants?

LAURA: No, he didn't mention him.

MARISHA: Trying to be very fucking vague, but also--

LAURA: I think we should say his name.

MARISHA: Should I say his name?

SAM: I mean--

TALIESIN: What else we going to do?

MARISHA: We have identification on... the man who we believe is responsible for placing this device.

SAM: Can we be sure everyone in this room is to be trusted? Hi, hi, sorry.

MATT: The king leans forward and goes, "You are not a... you're not a usual goblin."

SAM: No, I'm not.

MATT: "Curious. Trust is a... flexible thing. Loyalty, that is important. But trust must be earned. Everyone in this chamber, well--" and you see looking at you all and then eyeing to Allura. "Those who commonly work within this chamber are as trusted as one can be, which is... mostly. But I am where you see me sitting now because I don't trust anybody completely."

MARISHA: Why's he looking at me?

TRAVIS: He was talking to you the most.

MATT: "So. Who have you identified?"

MARISHA: His name is Vence.

MATT: The king immediately leans back and looks over towards Martinet Ludinus Da'leth, as well as all the members of the council all look to him, and Ludinus goes, "Are you serious?"



LAURA: I saw him with my own eyes.

TRAVIS: She really doesn't joke, ever.

MARISHA: Blondie, nice hair, eyes are a little too close together.

SAM: Works for you.

MATT: You watch as he brings his hand across the air and begins to draw a faint symbol. You recognize it as a spell that you use quite often to speak with individuals.

LAURA: Mm-hmm.

MATT: "Vence, where are you? I need you here. In the castle."

SAM: (laughs)

MATT: "Vence? He is not responding." (sighs) Sends off another spell and goes, "Do an all-point search for Vence, my associate. Lock down Rexxentrum, do not let him leave. We have to ensure that we're keeping an eye out."

TALIESIN: He also has a book, if I recall.

SAM: Did you scry on him?

LAURA: I did, I scryed on him when we--

MARISHA: You did.

LAURA: When we landed in Rexxentrum.

MATT: Mm-hmm.

LAURA: I, Laura don't remember, but Jester would definitely.

MATT: The last you saw, he was in the cathedral, passing over the device to the cardinal.

LAURA: That's right.

MATT: And the scrolls that seemed to inform the ritual that was to be set below.

LAURA: I say that out loud.

MATT: Okay, so you express all of this.


MATT: You can see Ludinus taking it in, his eyes darting back and forth. You can see a bit of a flush to his face of embarrassment.

MARISHA: That's a good sign.

MATT: "Vence Nuthaleus. They're not to let him leave. Extend this message to all points in the Empire. All boundaries, all borders. Frustratingly, I just recently had bequeathed unto him a means of protecting from divination, at his request. So we're going to have to do this the hard way." Turns to look at the king and Yudala, and goes, "If I might have the assistance of the Cobalt Soul, perhaps," and Yudala goes, "Of course. We will also spread this information and search for this individual." At this point, the marshal steps forward, actually, from below the steps and goes, "We have just come from the Chantry of the Dawn, where it appears that this group, for a point of trusting, did thwart this attempt. They prevented this terrible thing from happening, saved a number of Empire lives, according to the witnesses present." At which point Sydnock steps forward and goes, "Reports state that the Kryn incursion today rapidly ended around the time that this cult was halted. But yet we still do not have proof there wasn't a sign of collaboration. Nothing but words against words." Allura steps forward and goes, "Actually-- my apologies. Upon learning of the threat from the Mighty Nein not but a number of days ago, I returned myself to Tal'Dorei at their request and insistence to acquire permission from the rest of our council to reach out--"

SAM: The rest of the council?

MATT: "Yes. To reach out to the Bright Queen on our behalf. The Council of Tal'Dorei." The king goes--

ASHLEY: Who's the Council of Tal'Dorei?

MATT: The king steps forward.


MATT: Don't make me roll initiative here.


ASHLEY: Well, I haven't asked yet. I'm new here, I don't understand-- I don't know what that is yet, I was just wondering for--

MATT: And as Allura says this, you can see, she's like, carefully choosing the words and seems to be like, in that final bit of the sentence, "Reach out to the Bright Queen on our behalf," is like, preparing. The king immediately shoots forward in the throne and goes, "You parlayed with our enemy without our consent!" At which point Allura goes, "I did so because time was of the essence, apparently. Because the Council of Tal'Dorei remains neutral with the Kryn Dynasty, I could claim an audience without conflict. I notified them of all that we had learned, the Mighty Nein, and as such myself, about this seeming infiltration of the cult within even their own midst, apparently. And they seemed to be responsive to trusting the word of these esteemed protectors. Thus the Bright Queen agreed to temporarily withdraw their attack, preventing them unintentionally aiding this Angel of Irons cult." There's a pause, everyone looks at each other, looks at you, and kind of-- some of it's a look of being impressed, some trying to put together what this means. The king leans forward once more, intensely, his eyes narrowed. "They withdrew on your word. On their word. What have been your dealings with the Bright Queen outside of this, if I might ask, that they would withdraw at the word of a handful of adventurers?"

LAURA: Well, w-w-we've been working with Expositor Beauregard.

MARISHA: I've found, in my line of work, King Dwendal, if you're going to learn about your enemy, you need to get close to them. Luckily, traveling with a band of misfits and goblins and half-orcs, and Caduceus.


TALIESIN: That's fair.

MARISHA: They were the perfect cover to get me close, without suspicion.

SAM: You were using us?

MATT: "What else have you learned in your time with the Bright Queen?" He looks genuinely interested now.

MARISHA: She really wants her fucking beacon back.

MATT: "The relic?"

MARISHA: You know where it is?

MATT: Ludinus steps forward and goes, "My liege, times of war make for unique circumstances. If they have indeed endeared themselves to the Dynasty, perhaps we could use them to shift things in our favor. Perhaps to bring an end to this conflict." The king's still looking at you and goes, "And how do you propose we do this, Ludinus?" (as Ludinus) "This relic they mention, Trent seems to have recently uncovered the relic that the Dynasty has accused us of having stolen. The challenges we've had in finding a ground to bargain may be turning in our favor, my liege. Using these nine. Seven."

LAURA: Well, and Sprinkle.

MATT: "Seven and a half."

TRAVIS: (high voice) "Please."


SAM: "Kill me."

MATT: "Using these operatives perhaps as a mediation tool, maybe we can bring this conflict to a close." Allura and the others look about each other curiously. Trent nods with a smile, his eyes falling onto Caleb briefly.

SAM: Oof.

LAURA: Oh no.

MATT: King Dwendal goes: (sighing) "And the Assembly feels this course is viable?" Trent steps forward. "We do, my liege. An optimistic view." (as Dwendal) "Then I shall allow it. You, Mighty Nein, you stand on the edge of treason for your dealings with the enemy, so do not squander this opportunity to prove your worth and allegiance. You will operate under the guidance of the martinet in arranging this parlay. Use your influence to bring them to the table, and ensure the return of this relic is received as a token to end this conflict. Should you fail, then I give you over to the prime arbiter for judgment," and points to Sydnock Truscan, who is just listening quietly, and while has not been involved in this conversation as much as the others, has been very carefully watching each of you in your reactions. Allura rolls her eyes and crosses her arms in a huff. The king speaks up once more. "I have a people to protect. Innocents and families, who suffer at the hands of this unprovoked war. Nothing is more important to me than maintaining the safety and sanctity of the Dwendalian citizenry. If we can end this conflict, and keep to our ends of the Ashkeeper Peaks, then that would be a great victory, yes?"

LAURA: Does he seem like that's what he really wants?

MATT: Make an Insight check.

LAURA: Never works anyway for me, because I roll like shit all the time. Seven.

SAM: And a half.

LAURA: Seven and a half.

MATT: You try and follow, but just the force of his presence in itself is intimidating enough that you're not able to get much of a read.

LAURA: I don't even know what he's saying, you guys.

TALIESIN: We may need some time to recuperate, before anything is really-- I'm having trouble even following this.

MATT: "Of course. The martinet will take care of it for you. See that you do not fail our great Empire."

TRAVIS: Your majesty, if I may, these dealings of course will be very dangerous, I'm sure you can appreciate. Pardon my asking, are your intentions to deliver this relic, if we can secure a peaceful resolution to this war?

MATT: Puts his hand towards Ludinus and Trent, and Ludinus goes, "Of course, it doesn't serve us any purpose. Now that we've uncovered it, to return it would be easy. And hopefully, if this is indeed their intent, as they say it is, then it will end it. If it is not, that only proves that they will not rest until all of us are dead and under the ground."

TRAVIS: I am confident that we will be able to find a way to resolve this. I would only ask, do you have any further terms for engaging in this talk? Does it need to be here, does it need to be on neutral ground, is there anything you will not consider?

MATT: The king leans forward. "Well, since you seem to be the experts..."

SAM: Negotiator. (laughter)

MATT: "As you seem to be the experts on the Dynasty, with your dealings, I leave those details in your hands."

TRAVIS: We appreciate your trust, my liege.

MATT: "Now." He raises his hand in a dismissing motion. The rest of the council around you breaks off a bit. Takes the note that this meeting has been adjourned. Schreiber, the gnome, turns and begins to talk to the king quietly off to the side while Allura rushes over to you, with a smile. "Well done. Whew."

LAURA: Thank you.

TALIESIN: Everything hurts.

TRAVIS: Intimidating room.

MARISHA: We're apparently on the edge of being traitors, but yes, I guess we did a job well done.

LIAM: Par for the course.

ASHLEY: Hello.

MATT: "Hello. Your friends spoke quite highly of you. We managed to utilize their connection with you to look into your well-being. I'm glad to see that you're all right?"

ASHLEY: Well, we'll see.

MATT: "I'm Allura Vysoren."

ASHLEY: Hello. My name is Yasha.

MATT: "So I've heard. Well, I need to check in, and if perhaps--" and turns back, and the king gives her a look and says, "Not you, them." She goes, "Well, if you need anything that I can do, let me know."

TRAVIS: That was very brave, what you did. You took quite the initiative.

MATT: "(chuckles)Trust me, I've done far stupider."

TRAVIS: I believe it.

LIAM: Things are moving faster than either of these nations can track. If you and the Tal'Dorei Council, whoever they may be, can do anything to stay one step ahead of it, please, do so. It is too much for us alone.

MATT: "Understood."

SAM: Oh, sorry, and if we need a neutral place to meet, to organize a meeting for these two nations, maybe it could be in your nation?

MATT: "I do not think the king would be interested in dragging this to distant foreign soil."

LAURA: Well, maybe like another plane of existence or something. That would be pretty cool.

SAM: Sure, sure, sure.

MATT: At which point you can see Ludinus steps up behind her. (as Allura) "I'm certain you could work out the details with the individual of which you are charged. Martinet." (as Ludinus) "Arcanist." (as Allura) "I'll take my leave. Good luck." And then Allura heads down the stairs.

LAURA: You called him by his first name instead of by his title, that's pretty cool.

MATT: Yeah. (laughs)

MARISHA: Whoops.

MATT: Super familiar.

LIAM: What's Ikithon been doing all this time?

MATT: Is actually about 10 feet behind--

TRAVIS: You mean Trent?

MATT: --yeah, behind Ludinus.

SAM: T-Money.

MATT: And Trent is in the process of gathering robes over one shoulder, and about to turn in your direction.


MATT: Ludinus goes, "Very well. Reach out to your contacts to aid in arranging such a meeting. We shall convene come the noonday sun tomorrow. I'll arrange for lodging within the Camarouth Cottage here within the Shimmer Ward. I will greet you there in the morrow."

LAURA: It's going to be at least tomorrow morning before I can contact anybody, because I'm pretty spent. Just letting you know.

MATT: "You look it, but apparently you've been quite busy today, so take your rest. This is a high-end establishment. We'll convene and figure out what you plan in the morning."

SAM: Thank you. Will we be escorted to this place, or are we on our own?

MATT: "There'll be an escort." And looks over towards the marshal and the marshal goes, "Of course, Martinet." (as Ludinus) "Good, I will see you then." Turns around and exits down the staircase. As you guys begin to follow, Trent wanders, saunters up beside your group.

LAURA: I stand in front of Caleb.

MARISHA: Yeah, I stand on the other side.

MATT: "Impressive business, isn't it? You've come far from simple sell-swords and pit fighters." Looking towards Yasha. "Especially you, Bren."

SAM: (gasps) And then just continues walking, following after Ludinus.

TRAVIS: (laughs) Oh fuck. Holy shit.

LAURA: I don't like him.

ASHLEY: Should I go kill him?

SAM: No, no.

TALIESIN: You can.

ASHLEY: Just, I don't like him, he rubs me the wrong way.

TRAVIS: Maybe you should act on impulse.

ASHLEY: I was making a bit of a joke, but.


MATT: As you guys descend the stairs towards the opening of the chamber, the marshal and the same escort guard, though half the size as previous, just a general escort. Less of a herding as it was upon your arrival to the castle. Begins to lead you back through the lengthy chambers of the inside of Ungebroch, and back out to the Shimmer Ward, to lead you to the Camarouth Cottage, and whatever the next stage in this endeavor entails. And that's where we're going to go ahead and end tonight.


TRAVIS: In the Shimmerwood?

MATT: Shimmer Ward.

TRAVIS: Shimmer Ward.

MATT: It's the ward it's in.

TALIESIN: Shimmer Ward.

LIAM: Ugh, ugh!

MATT: (laughs)

SAM: Matt, the castle is the Unka Crock?

LIAM: Ungebroch.

MATT: Ungebroch.

SAM: Ungebroch?

LIAM: Unga, like oonga boonga. Broch.

MATT: Ungebrochen is an actual full German phrase. I have to remember, I think it means like unbroken.

MARISHA: Holy fucking shit.

MATT: I'll double-check again, I'm sure I'll be corrected.

TRAVIS: He fucking knows!

SAM: He knows who you are.

TRAVIS: ♪ He knows ♪

LAURA: Of course he knows.

SAM: We've done nothing to him.

TRAVIS: We are in the mouse trap.

SAM: You've done nothing to him, he's done stuff to you.

LAURA: He ran away.

SAM: Yeah, that just-- yeah.

LIAM: Killed one of his.

SAM: Wait, you killed one of his?

LIAM: Killed one of his.

SAM: Who?

LIAM: Never mind.

(Sam and Laura gasping)

LAURA: Oh, we just got a little story.

TRAVIS: Was that a slip?

LIAM: No, I think it's been dropped.

MATT: Yeah. So, anyway, we'll pick up there next week. (laughs)

LIAM: Fucking campaign.

TRAVIS: Nice job. Handled yourself well.

SAM: Oh yeah, Marisha Ray.

LAURA: Good job, good job.

SAM: Wow.

TRAVIS: Good job, Expositor.

MARISHA: (laughs)

LAURA: Expositor Beau!

MARISHA: It's terrifying.

SAM: You've been exposited.

MATT: (laughs)

MARISHA: Oh my god. That was so fucking stressful.

LIAM: Talking to Donald Rumsfeld, and you're like, "So, Donny..."

MATT: (laughs)

TRAVIS: We also need to add the number of words that Caduceus put together in consecutive order to the leaderboard.

LAURA: Out loud.

TALIESIN: He was having a panic attack, man, he was just-- oh god. (laughter) Nope-- what-- no, it's happening. Okay.

LIAM: Is this what they call civilization?

TALIESIN: Yeah, this is a lot. This is a really big room. It's the biggest room I've ever seen. How do you get the ceiling on this? Wow! Okay.

MATT: (laughs) Awesome, we'll look forward to next week, to pick up from here. (chuckles) Until then, thank you guys so much for joining us, we love you very much, and is it Thursday yet? Good night. (cheering)

(dramatic music)