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Critical Role Wiki
Critical Role Wiki

List of Transcripts


LIAM: (howling)


LIAM: Hello!

TRAVIS: That's all I wanted!

LIAM: Welcome to Critical Role, Laura! Welcome! Guys, thank you for coming to our annual Burning Man placeholder episode! My werewolf extravaganza! I'm so excited to have new players with us tonight, though. I don't know if the cameras can see them. Erica Luttrell is here, TJ Storm is here! These three fools that I'm bored with! Fun fact: TJ, you've been DMing for how many decades, did you say?

TJ: Three.

LIAM: Three decades. So when I inevitably forget rules, I will either ask TJ what he thinks, or pull it out of my ass because I don't care. Very excited to dig into this, but first we have announcements. That's how we do this, right?


LIAM: First off, just announced today, we are doing a live show in NYC, New York City.

SAM: Live show!

LIAM: Live show. Your town. My town. Join us at the United Palace in Washington Heights on Thursday, October 4th. Tickets will be on sale at 12:00pm Eastern via Ticketmaster. Check out the details at Our first episode of Handbooker Helper-- that's the name-- which teaches you the basics of using dice, is live now at

TRAVIS: Please don't sue us.

LIAM: Please don't. Ooh, Dani Carr is sneaking in like a rogue!

SAM: Laura has the wrong iPad!

LAURA: Don't get me wrong, it's really great, because--

SAM: I mean, or tablet device.

LAURA: Tablet device. I've got Matt's tablet device.

DANI: I will get yours.

SAM: Can you find out how our characters--

LAURA: I know, I can find out a bunch of stuff! But I probably shouldn't.

LIAM: There's notes in there?

LAURA: I mean, it's got all these characters, his NPCs.

TRAVIS: It wasn't passcode locked?

LIAM: Shut that down!

TRAVIS: There was no passcode?

LAURA: I don't think so!

SAM: Why don't we just make this two hours of us going through Matt's iPad?

LIAM: Raiding the cookie jar. We should also talk about Pablove.

SAM: Yes, we should. Everybody, as many of you already know, obviously, a few days ago we launched a charity campaign with Blair Herter and the Pablove Foundation, which is devoted to ending childhood cancer. We're specifically trying to raise money for a 600 mile bike ride that Blair and his brother are riding from San Francisco to LA, and we had all these lofty goals for raising money for this ride. We said that if we hit $20,000, that I would run a one shot. Passed it. We said if we hit $50,000, of money raised for this amazing charity from you, the Critters, that we would be able to fully fund a research grant to try and end cancer. We hit it, you guys are incredible. $50,000 raised for this campaign. It's incredible. So incredible that we're scrambling to add other stretch goals! So we just got one in, it's hot off the presses. If we hit $100,000, which is crazy, but also possible, we will be able to fund the Shutterbugs Summer Camp. An entire summer camp where they teach photography to kids fighting cancer. You could make a kid's summer camp dreams come true with your donations! So there'll be more information in the stream or whatever. Down here, up here, all around, social medias. So click donate, be awesome, and thank you so much for all your generosity so far. It's really making a difference, and you guys are incredible. (applause)

LIAM: There's some kind of shenanigans with Laura going on over there, so I guess let's talk merch announcements. We have got (like Laura) in the store right now, hey hey hey!

LAURA: Yeah, in the store right now we've got crazy things! We've got all the stuff that was available-- well hold on, because here's the thing. So Matt had logged into my iPad. I don't remember my password.

SAM: What?

LAURA: I'm just try to figure out, because my character sheet is on here.

SAM: It's DiceGirl6969.

LAURA: That's what it was, thank you. Anywho, we've got all the stuff from Gen Con, (Valley girl voice) like, available in the store, like, right, now.

SAM: Wait, stuff from Gen Con that was previously unavailable?

LAURA: In the store? Yeah. So we've got the map. Wildemount map by Deven Rue, who is amazing and the map is amazing. You guys should check it out. We've got our pins. We've got our Mighty Nein pin and our Vox Machina pin, and enamel pins, they're so cool! We've got a dice set that's a Wildemount dice set! It's navy blue, we picked out the colors ourselves!

TRAVIS: You're like an Italian mob boss right now. (mumbles)

LAURA: We've got the monogram design was from Crystal Sharp. We also have a Yasha mini bust. It's this big, by Steamforge, and it's really cool. It's metal, it's heavy, it looks really awesome, and it comes in a really cool little box.

LIAM: Do we have all our regular stuff too?

LAURA: All the stuff that was there before is there now, too! We have more hats coming, because I know you guys like them.

SAM: The dad hats?

LAURA: Yeah, the dad hats.

SAM: They're real cool

LAURA: They are really cool.

TRAVIS: Wife, you are so cute. You better get rid of that shit by the time it's time to tear some people up!

LAURA: Whoa, werewolves! Okay, I'm going to sign in.

LIAM: Is there anything else that I'm forgetting to do? You know why TJ is my favorite guest we've ever had? He brought us Red Vines.

TRAVIS: He did! Oh no, or "nondescript third party red licorice candy."

SAM: Sure.

LIAM: That's what I meant. I meant Grasping Vines, thank you for the Grasping Vines.

TRAVIS: We're going to have a live show in New York! First one ever! Sorry. We're excited.

SAM: Tickets are on sale, or will be.

LIAM: We like D&D here. That having been said, I think we should take a break so we can come back from the break so can play some motherfucking werewolves. So let's go to break so we can then dive into Critical Role.

[click, TV static] [groovy Critical Role theme]

Part I[]

LIAM: (laughs) That's fun! I don't know why Matt complains! Welcome back! It is just about time to dive into the Song of the Lorelei. Did you do it? Did you figure it out?!

LAURA: Well no, I'm getting an email to tell me what my password is!

LIAM: Okay, I don't want anyone to think that Laura is a really bad D&D player, even though she is. So Matt for some reason, maybe an act of sabotage before he left for the desert, signed into Laura's iPad, and now Laura can't get into her iPad to get at her--

LAURA: Tablet device.

TRAVIS: The real problem is that she never remembers her frickin' passwords, okay!

LAURA: You guys, it's all coming together.

LIAM: Here's the good news. You work on that, because to begin this game, it is storytime. Oh, I get to use all of Matt's toys! Where does he get these wonderful toys? Did it do it?

SAM: Yeah, there's music.

LIAM: It did it. On the edges of the Cyrengreen Forest, not too terribly far from the city of Deastok, on the continent of Wildemount, stands Lorelei Castle, home for many generations to the Lorelei family. The Lorelei bloodline stretches back almost three centuries but only rose to prominence during the war between the Dwendalian Empire, which we now reside within, and the Julous Dominion, which once ruled the southern half of the Marrow Valley in the preceding age. The Loreleis proved their worth in that conflict and were gifted for their service with a stretch of land that you five siblings were born and raised on. It was also during the bloody struggles of that long past war that the bloodline would be changed forever. During a near fatal encounter, your ancestor, Alfarr Lorelei, was bitten, near the end days of the war. The curse of lycanthropy burned its way into the blood of Alfarr in a relentless fever that nearly drove him mad, but he did not bend to it. He persisted, as did his daughter, and her sons, and so on. The family's secret has been closely guarded over the centuries, and in its earliest days, the curse was seen as just that, a curse. But with time came acceptance, and the responsibility of power. Once of age, Lorelei youths eventually undergo The Taming of their wilder nature and their animalistic blood, and it has largely been responsible for the family's ascension over many a generation. Some have faltered. There have certainly been dark periods in the Lorelei history, individuals who let their baser impulses rule them. But the family always returned to the right and the good. Aurra.


LIAM: Lucius. "Lu-see-us" or "Lu-shus?"

TJ: "Lu-see-us."

LIAM: Portia.

LAURA: Hello.

LIAM: And the twins, Benicio and Lawrence.

SAM: Bro.

TRAVIS: What's up, brother?

LIAM: You know a little of this struggle yourselves. At least, you hear tell from your father-- I love this game.

TRAVIS: So much.

LIAM: At least you hear tell from your father and your great aunt Katerine. Your father, Haldur Lorelei, never knew his own mother, Genevieve Lorelei, but by his aunt Katerine's account, she was unbridled and wild, spurned The Taming, embraced the animal within more than the family would have liked. It led to her doom, they would say. It was that very nature that drew her into a whirlwind romance with a man the family did not approve of. Haldur, or Hal, was born out of wedlock and never knew his mother. She was murdered not far from the castle grounds and found in a wolven heap. Her father was dead, or fled, or possibly killed Genevieve, the family theorized, anyway. The only mother Hal knew was Aunt Katerine, who loved her sister's son with all her heart, raised him well, led him through The Taming, made him the kind and just nobleman he is today. Sadly, history repeats and repeats, and Katerine is mostly the only mother you five have known either. When your mother Rosalind died during the birth of the twins, old though she was, Katerine dutifully continued her role as the family matriarch. Aurra, you, as the oldest, and you, Lucius, two years Aurra's junior, you both remember Rosalind some, but for all of you, it has been old Aunt Kat who sat by your beds as children, who taught you your letters. And how Haldur and Katerine love you! You've grown into your adulthood with grace and strength and absorb the lessons of your forebears... to an extent. Aurra, you were meant to rule this house after your father is someday gone, but like your grandmother Genevieve and others with that wilder streak in the family's history, you have eschewed The Taming. In fact, much to your father's heartache, you have chosen instead to wander the wilds, forsaking civilized nobility entirely. He loves you and you love him, but it's been complicated. Lucius, in a similar vein, you too have chosen a path outside of the Lorelei's elder traditions. You were but a child when you heard the voice of the Moonweaver whispering to you by the light of the full moon. You soon began praying to her nightly. When you were old enough to make up your own mind, you followed her voice to the temple and found your second family. It was really Portia, accomplished and driven Portia, who first fit the mold of the Lorelei noble. You excelled at everything, demanded to undergo The Taming two years early, and while you love your older siblings dearly, you know if they have no desire to rule, you will gladly assume that seat of power. Then there are the twins. Our two burly, hulking twins.

SAM: Larry.

LIAM: Studious and serious-minded Larry. Lawrence, really. You underwent The Taming, as was expected, and you're prepared to offer what the family requires, but your true love is logic, reason, and the study of this curse that runs through your family's blood. Perhaps it can be better understood and better used for the good of House Lorelei. If anyone can do so, it is you. Then there is you, Benicio.

SAM: Yeah.

LIAM: Slightly taller than your twin brother, with none of the useless fixation on books, you couldn't wait to undergo The Taming. You had an itch for danger from an early age and were impatient to enter your adult life and flex.

SAM: Fuck yeah.

LIAM: Power. It was this love of trouble, actually, that led you to burning your arms so badly all those years ago, all in an attempt to prank your twin by sabotaging one of his explorations of alchemy. Lesson somewhat learned.

SAM: Fire bad.

LIAM: Two weeks ago, each of you received identical letters from your father Haldur, summoning you home to Castle Lorelei. Intimated in those letters is his wish to discuss the family's future and the handing down of power within the family. You all have been spread to the winds the last six months to a year, maybe, following the individual threads that life has laid before you. Now, Hal is eager to see his children all around him again. As yet another token of his love, he has provided you all with three days and nights of rest, recuperation, and general pampering together at one of the finest inns in Deastok: The Shaded Bough. It is here that we begin this current verse in the song of the Lorelei. You are gathered in the sumptuous dining room of The Shaded Bough. Your breakfast is finished, your bags are packed. B-O-U-G-H.

TRAVIS and LAURA: Bough-wow.

LIAM: Your horses have been prepped for your departure, and it is raining.

TRAVIS: I need to hear that shit.

LIAM: Yeah, so do I. Where is it? Where is it, Matthew?

TRAVIS: Drop me in.

LIAM: Drop a beat.

TRAVIS: Should we shake the fucking water off? Oh, we're people.

LIAM: The morning is yours. It is about a day's journey home to Castle Lorelei. You have a way you go. We have a shortcut that will get you there before sun is down, but it does not look as much fun as you expected it to be with the heavy rain.

TRAVIS: Are we inside?

LIAM: Yeah, you just finished your breakfast in a very fancy dining hall.

SAM: Have we seen each other in a while, all together?

LIAM: You spent the last three days getting facials, steaming, catching up.

TRAVIS: After all, brother and sister did need to have their fleas removed from so much time outside.

SAM: Good one, bro.

TRAVIS: Thanks.

ERICA: Truly?

TRAVIS: Sorry.

SAM: You've been gone so long.

ERICA: I have.

SAM: Do you feel like you're better than us now?

ERICA: I feel I'm aware of things other than you are.

SAM: So yeah, you think you're better than us.

ERICA: You can put it however you'd like, brother.

SAM: We'll see about that.

LIAM: I would like to thank whatever videogame company screamed you hoarse to make you sound so deep.

TRAVIS: You sound ragged and sexy as eff.

SAM: This is my normal voice. I do a voice for the other 130 episodes that we've done.

LIAM: Well, if there's any business you want to see to, you can certainly can, but we could also hit the road, if you'd like.

ERICA: Would anyone like to step out into the rains?

LAURA: The path will be covered with mud.

ERICA: Doesn't that make it better?

TRAVIS and LAURA: Does it?

ERICA: I remember why I stayed away.

TRAVIS: I have no objections to getting started, I suppose. The sooner the better, right, brother?

TJ: Of course. Let us begin.


LIAM: Hoods up, into the rain. You leave the Shaded Bough, mount up, and ride out of the larger city of Deastok. It's slow going. The visibility is low, the rain is pouring in sheets, but you are taking the same path you always have when traveling between Deastok and your home. The quickest route there is following the main road for three or four hours. There's a particular field that you're all familiar with, which, if you cut across, there is a stream there-- a small river, Wispern River-- which you cut over and you can get home by the end of day. If that's the way you want to take, or you can take the long way, which, I don't know why you would.

LAURA: Well the stream will be flooded with all this rain.

ERICA: I say we take the long way.

LAURA: (laughing) Just to fuck with our DM.

TJ: Before having left, I spoke with the small folk. I want to know what is going on in the nearby lands. Is there any trouble?

LIAM: There is a great deal of trouble. Not in these parts, we're more towards the east in Wildemount but to the west there is mounting confrontation with the country of Xhorhas. All the military forces have been sent in that direction. Rumors-- Hey man, I don't know what Matt's planning, so let's keep it vague, shall we? But word has gotten back to you, not generally known, but to you Lucius, that it's not been going well on the front.

TJ: And in this land, no bandits or anything?

LIAM: No, there is definitely hiring of-- there is a criminal element in Deastok and you do keep tabs on it, but nothing-- no bump certainly that would alarm you.

TJ: Very well, we proceed on the long road.

ERICA: Thank you, brother.

LIAM: Okay. So Portia wisely avoids the Wispern River, anticipating possible flooding, so it's going to be a long journey. It will take the better part of the day; you might not make it by sundown this time. In fact, in the interest of time, we'll say that you ride all day in the wain--

LIAM and LAURA: In da wain?

LIAM: Mawwaige.

TRAVIS: (singing) I'm widing in the wain.

LIAM: (singing) Werewolves in the wain. (speaking) See, we're very serious here. You spend most of the day riding and getting sopping wet and miserable and you are looking forward very much to seeing all of the familiar faces who work in the castle; the cooks, the people in the stable, all the familiar faces and catching up with your father. You maybe are a little anxious about seeing him for the first time in a while, but still. The sun does eventually set and you ride for a bit in the dark. You do have, in your belongings, some hooded lanterns which is lucky because that's the only thing that would stay lit in weather like this. Castle Lorelei is built on a tall hill, a ways from the road on the edge of the Cyrengreen Forest so you've spent a lot of your youth poking into those woods and getting into trouble, you especially. Nostalgia always hits when you return. But something is off this time. Returning home at night-- which you've done before, this is not the first, but coming around a bend about a mile away from Lorelei Castle, you're used to seeing lights twinkling on the horizon, few fires and torches in various places in the castle, but you don't see any of that today. It is pouring rain, it is very dark out, and you're a little bumped a mile out from home.

LAURA: Why isn't the castle lit up?

SAM: Well, maybe they're trying to conserve torch light or something?

TRAVIS: Don't be an idiot, that's not a real thing.

SAM: Torches are expensive.

LAURA: They're not expensive.

TRAVIS: I, too, am concerned.

ERICA: I sense wariness among the woodland creatures.

SAM: What? Okay.


LAURA: Any time father knows we're coming he makes the castle ready. This is strange.

SAM: Ooh! Is it a surprise party?

LAURA: Possible.

SAM: Luci, it's close to your birthday, isn't it.

LIAM: Luci, only you notice as you draw even a little bit nearer that the gates to the castle are open as well.

TJ: The gates are open. This is not normal. Father's fastidious about the gates, the house, and especially if we were coming everything would be lit.

TRAVIS: I agree, cause for concern.

LAURA: I think we should enter the castle warily. Off of the horses.

SAM: You guys are a bunch of namby-pambies.

LAURA: You want to ride in there, Benny?

SAM: Well I mean, I'm not going to-- it's dark.

ERICA: I will produce a flame.

SAM: All right then, I'll--

LIAM: You're doing it, you're doing it!

TRAVIS: You're doing it, Peter!

LAURA: Oh my god, there's a flame in your hand right now!

SAM: You want to come in the front way with me?

ERICA: Of course.

LAURA: The castle's overrun, you're just going to get attacked? Do you think there's not a good reason all the flames are out?

TRAVIS: Caution may be the wiser choice here, brother.

SAM: (sighs) Fine.

ERICA: I will put it out.

LAURA: Is there a side entrance? There's a side entrance; we all know about it.

LIAM: There are multiple entrances to the castle. There's one at the back. There's one on each side, in fact.

LAURA: (whispering) The side entrance.

SAM: All right, we're all going in the side entrance, then?

TJ: Which way did we sneak in and out of the castle as children?

LIAM: On the back side of the castle, facing towards the woods, and the family cemetery grounds, and the fields you played in.

TJ: Aurra, do you remember the way that we used to sneak in through the back?

ERICA: I do, brother.

TJ: Perhaps this is a wise way to enter.

LAURA: It's a pretty small tunnel. Benny, you might not fit now; you're so big.

SAM: I'll make some space.

TRAVIS: Yay, more going through the woods. My favorite. Let's go.

LIAM: You guys loop around in the dark.

TJ: Leave the horses behind.

LAURA: Stealthily. We'll do it quietly so no one notices us.

TRAVIS: We kill the horses before we-- (laughing, snarling). Not yet? Not yet.

SAM: Not yet. Wait for it.

LAURA: Don't let him transform the whole game. Make sure you never let him transform.

LIAM: Okay.

TRAVIS: I wait. I tie mine to a tree, though, so I know where my snack is.

LIAM: You guys do, in the dark, make your way around. Do you want to leave the lanterns lit, or are we going to go in total--

LAURA: How good is our vision?

TRAVIS: Well, these two people are quite familiar with the woods and that of nature. I would not mind letting them go first.

LIAM: The woods are a half mile out from the back of the keep.

TJ: Our lanterns are hooded. We can control the light. We proceed carefully.

LIAM: Everybody make a stealth check.

TRAVIS: Ooh! First roll!

SAM: Wrong one. You want to roll the big one.

ERICA: Holding the big one. Thank you for moving those, appreciate it. Wait, what am I tracking? Stealth, thank you. Oh, that is bad. That's real bad. I'm going to go with a five. I'm a five.

LIAM: Great. What'd everybody get?


SAM: 21.

LAURA: 14.

TJ: I seem to have tripped.

LAURA: Did you get a one?

LIAM: Did you?

TJ: Six.

LIAM: Oh, six. Okay. You guys are traveling along the outer wall and Lucius is trailing behind, and you do hear metal scraping against stone for a split second.

TRAVIS: What is that?!

TJ: I'm fine. Nothing.

TRAVIS: Is that a belt? What is it? How much metal do you have on you?

TJ: It's the lantern. I dropped it.

ERICA: It's all right. You found our way.

SAM: Do you need to make some sort of prayer or something before we go in there?

TJ: The Moonweaver guides me.

SAM: Could you tell her to guide you a little better? Burn some incense, man, come on. Let's go.

LIAM: Arguing, you eventually make it around back, and you do find the one single small door that is on the back side of the keep. It also can be fired at from above, but no one's doing that. It is also barred from the inside.

TRAVIS: Barred from the inside?

LIAM: You'd know, because you live here, obviously.

TRAVIS: Right. Are there any signs of struggle or debris, arrows, staffs?

LIAM: Make an investigation check. Look at that. It's that easy. You just make it up.


LIAM: No, nothing seems amiss. It is dark, maybe you're missing something, but it looks like the same old door in the same spot that you would run out in the middle of the night.

TRAVIS: No signs of struggle. Strange they wouldn't be anticipating our arrival.

SAM: Because there's no one here. You guys are freaking out over nothing. They turned off the lights.

ERICA: Then who barred the door?

TRAVIS: Exactly. How many times has no one been here?

TJ: Our father has invited us, the entire family, yes? When has he ever missed an opportunity to hold a social gathering without all the frills? This place should be lit and filled with cooks and bakers and smells of love, and yet it is cold.

LAURA: Smells of love, you heard him. Smells of love!

SAM: Yeah, yeah, he always had the nice, flowery--

ERICA: Should I produce a flame again?

SAM: If you must. We can't get into this tunnel we've gone in our whole lives?

LIAM: You'd opened it from the inside and leave it. That's what you've always done, is left a crack.

SAM: Oh, it's locked.

LIAM: Yeah, it's not a (squeaking), it's a (thudding).

LAURA: How old is the door? Can we bust through the bottom part of the wood or something?

LIAM: You can certainly try.

LAURA: Should I try?

TRAVIS: Are you strong?

LAURA: I am so fucking strong.

LIAM: You are pretty strong.

LAURA: I'm going to try it. I'm going to try and just-- through the bottom.

TRAVIS: I'll help you. You get advantage, if the DM allows it.

LAURA: If you want me to have advantage. Do you want me to have advantage because he's helping me?

LIAM: How are you doing this?

LAURA: Is it a wooden door?

LIAM: Yes, it is. Heavy wooden door.

TRAVIS: Heel kick that shit.

LAURA: Yeah, at the bottom. I'm going to aim below where the barricade is, I'm going to try to make a tunnel at the bottom of it, you know what I mean?

ERICA: Are you aiming for a specific location?

LAURA: The bottom center, where it's the weakest.

ERICA: Should I illuminate your effort?

LAURA: Do I see a weak spot where the wood-- I mean, it's pretty old. There's a tunnel. Is there rotted wood anywhere?

LIAM: One slat is a little mangier than the others.

LAURA: I want to aim for that.

LIAM: You can have advantage because your brother and sister offered to kick that shit with you.

TJ: I give her a prayer of Guidance without her knowledge, to the Moonweaver, of course. D4.

TRAVIS: (singing) Ooh, Moonweaver!

SAM: What are you doing over there? You praying? What are you doing over there? What is that?

TJ: The Moonweaver will see us through.

LAURA: Jesus H. It's fine. What do I do, add my strength modifier? 20. Wait, 11 plus seven. 18.

LIAM: You do slam your foot as hard as you can into that door and it does break. It pushes in about this far and it is dark in there, but there is now about this wide a gap. So if you can shrink a lot...

LAURA: All of the rest of the slats. Just really try to--

TRAVIS: How does it smell?

LIAM: It actually smells terrible. It smells nauseating.

LAURA: Does it smell sweet? Does it smell like death?

LIAM: Yes.

SAM: Like death?

LAURA: It smells like death in there.

LIAM: You do smell the smell of a heavily ripe, rotting body.

LAURA: Really try to bust through.

SAM: It's probably just a rat or something. You know, those ran down here all the time.

LIAM: Also, Lucius, you know where you are. This room-- which used to be a meeting hall-- when you were inducted into the temple of the Moonweaver, your father, as a gift to you, had it altered and turned into a chapel in honor of the Moonweaver for whenever you visited.

TJ: We need to get inside.

LAURA: Will you stick your flame hand through the door?

ERICA: Of course.

LAURA: What can we see? Does it look like a lot of bodies in there?

LIAM: You can see about six feet in, from the angle that the wood is in. It's still blocking your way and you can't get your noggin through that gap, but you do see two legs and an arm and a stone with congealed blood on the ground.

LAURA: Two legs and an arm of the same body?

LIAM: No, they look like three separate bodies.

TRAVIS: I was going to ask if the limbs were attached to anything, but I take it they're all separate?

LIAM: You see up to a shoulder on one and the other one you just see the ends.

SAM: All right, I'm still not a hundred percent sure that this isn't some crazy surprise party or something.

TRAVIS: Really?

ERICA: Benicio.

SAM: I don't know, maybe I was wrong.

ERICA: Do you smell that?

SAM: Yeah, that could be hors d'oeuvres.

TJ: We need to get inside.

SAM: How? Thoughts?

TJ: Break this the rest of the way. Do what you need to do.

SAM: I'll take it. Give me a crack.

TJ: Guidance.

LIAM: Excellent.

SAM: (growls) I'll take my glaive and-- (grunting).

LIAM: Okay, make an attack roll on that door.

TRAVIS: Can you do it while be electrocuted and on fire?

LIAM: Did you roll higher than a five?

SAM: 21.

LIAM: You hit it. Roll for damage.

TRAVIS: These doors don't fuck with the Loreleis!

SAM: 11 points of damage.

LIAM: Oh, man, the door breaks one hinge, busts inward. You now have a one foot view. It's still connected at one hinge and didn't come off. It would be hard to climb up and over into the gap, but you're looking in. It's a pile of bodies. It's about 15 bodies piled in the middle of a chapel devoted to the Moonweaver.

SAM: Going to need some light in here.

TRAVIS: Normally the castle is approximately how many stories? Is this an underground level?

LIAM: This is ground level. There is an underground level, and it is three stories.

TRAVIS: Three stories, got it. We're on ground level.

LAURA: Do we recognize any of the bodies?

LIAM: Yes, you do. You see one of the cooks, a woman named Estelle. You see the stable master and his eight year old son. You see two of the guards. The others you don't recognize, per se.

ERICA: I will illuminate the room.

LAURA: Look for Father.

LIAM: Make an investigation check.


SAM: Can I look at some of the bodies and see if I can discern the method of death? Be it burning or slashing or strangling.

LIAM: Absolutely. Perception check. The door has not been broken free, so you can look in. It's hanging on a diagonal angle. It probably wouldn't take much more to take it away.

SAM: 14 to look in.

LIAM: They are all slashed to shit.

LAURA: 14, for finding Dad, too.

LIAM: 14 for finding Dad. You do not see your father.

TRAVIS: We're still outside.

LAURA: I'm going to shoulder--

TRAVIS: Just a moment. In case someone was anticipating us arriving, there could be a trap.

TJ: I grab two rocks and I pray for Light, and I throw them into the room at different angles so I can see inside. Is there anything moving?

LIAM: No, nothing is moving, and the door on the far side of the chapel, which leads into the courtyard inside the castle walls, is closed. You have very much illuminated the wretched pile of lost souls in the center. Pews have been pushed to the side and they're in a heap, in a mound, in the middle of the room.

TJ: Break it down. We need to get in.

SAM: All right. (grunting) Punch the door.

LIAM: I will say that door comes right off the hinges.

SAM: Even though I rolled a two.

LAURA: To hit it? You rolled a two to hit it?

SAM: I did. It's plus six, so that's eight?

LIAM: In that case, the door comes right off the hinges, clatters down onto the ground, and you're now standing on top of it.

TJ: I rush in. I see if there's anyone that I can help, anyone who's still alive.

LIAM: Make an investigation check.

LAURA: Ooh, he's got a tower!

LIAM: He's been playing for 30 years.

SAM: How come none of us ever used a tower in this game?

LAURA: I don't know, but it looks so cool. Now I want one.

TJ: 18.

LIAM: What did I just say, perception?

TJ: Investigation. My perception is way better.

LIAM: They seem like they have been dead a while. In fact, follow that up with a medicine check.

TJ: 15.

LIAM: You bend down by the body of the cook-- a woman who has cooked many meals for you-- and you check the body and study the blood on the ground and how hard it is, and you can tell that it has been somewhere between-- I don't know. Two weeks, a month, maybe? These bodies have been here a while.

TJ: Is my father in here?

LIAM: No, he's not. You push over a few bodies, you spend five minutes sorting through the dead, and they're all--

TJ: These are dead and although they brought us up, we must find our father.

LAURA: Did you say how long they've been here?

TJ: Days, longer perhaps. I start to go upstairs to where he would be?

LIAM: There's no upstairs here. Within the wall are rooms on the ground level. There is this chapel, there's a great meeting hall where your father receives people, there are the kitchens, there are the stables. The courtyard is huge and the entire thing is empty in the middle. It's where you've trained and where you've played. You would get there by exiting the door on the opposite side of the room.

TRAVIS: Someone will pay for this, but can we please-- (gagging) open the other door.

SAM: Are you going to barf?

TRAVIS: No. I'm not. I have allergies.

SAM: You sure? Because there's blood and guts and brain all over the place.

LIAM: I should add, it's only the towers of the castle, for the watch, and the central keep that is three stories tall. The rest of it is low buildings.

TJ: Are there any shields or armaments on the walls?

LIAM: In here? There is only a single shield.

TJ: I grab it.

LIAM: Okay. It has the two arrows with the crescent moon in the middle that is symbol of the Moonweaver upon it.

TJ: I was too small to wield this when I was a child, but now I will show my father different. And I grab it and I leave.

LIAM: Okay. Lucius pushes past you all, opens the door.

LAURA: Wait, Lucius, arm yourself! Everyone, arm yourself.

LIAM: Lucius, by the dim light of the rocks that you illuminated in the chapel, you can see a little bit out here. The first thing you see walking into the courtyard: it is mostly empty. What you can see is a pile of weapons in the center of the courtyard, piled up. There seems to be a cart on the far end, but it's very dark, so you can't make much of it.

TJ: Light.

LIAM: Okay. It's still a ways off. It's about 100, 150 feet away, but there is a cart full of vegetables, half unloaded. You can't tell quite what they are from here.

TJ: I yell to the others what I see on the inside. And I wait.

SAM: Don't go any further. Wait until we come up with some kind of plan or something, man.

TRAVIS: It's a cart full of vegetables. What kind of plan do you need?

TJ: Our father might be in danger. We must move quickly.

LAURA: Does it look like the bodies were dragged into the temple, or does it look like they were murdered inside the temple?

LIAM: Make an investigation check.

TRAVIS: Ooh, good question.

LAURA: 15.

LIAM: There is the residue and trails of blood leading from the courtyard. You can't see it in the mud in the courtyard, because it's raining so heavily. I'll add that it's still raining. Is it still raining?

TRAVIS: Yeah, I hear it.

LIAM: You do? I can't tell from here. On the threshold leading in, you see trails of blood that are getting washed away by the torrential downpour.

LAURA: The rain, of course, gets rid of the tracks.

TRAVIS: Do we care to visit the pile of weapons? Everyone have what they need? In case, you know, someone needs to be dealt with.

SAM: I brought one with me. If you guys need to stock up, I'll watch your backs.

TRAVIS: I'm good. I pull out two shortswords from my back harness underneath my jacket.

LIAM: Excellent.

ERICA: I think I smell Father.

SAM: Do the woodland creatures tell you where he is?

ERICA: No. I've spent many years in the woods. My senses are far more highly attuned than yours.

SAM: All right, I get it. You don't like that I don't have a career.

ERICA: Is that what I'm saying?

SAM: I don't know. You're always ragging on me to finish school and make something of myself.

ERICA: Benicio, I am simply speaking of your wolf--

SAM: I get it.

TRAVIS: I wonder if maybe this is not the time to bring up old shit?

SAM: I just don't want to be a craftsman.

ERICA: I smell Father. Is that not important to you?

SAM: Yes, it is. Let's go.

LAURA: Where do you smell him?

ERICA: Coming from that direction.

LIAM: From your vantage point-- to help you see the thing you've known all your life-- you're standing with the chapel at your back and on your right is the keep, your home. Your old bedrooms are in the keep. Your father's bedroom, his study, your aunt Katerine's bedroom. You also to your right have the great hall. There are smaller one-story buildings that line the inside of the castle.There are the kitchens. You can see the open gate now, because you've lit the courtyard so well, even though it's further off. You can see the open gate where you were standing 30 minutes earlier, and that cart. You've been standing here taking it in long enough, you notice there are also two people on that cart. They're not moving.

SAM: Dead or alive?

LIAM: Well, they're not moving.

TJ: I run to it.

TRAVIS: I'll join him.

TJ: If there is an obvious weapon that I can wield in the pile as I pass it-- if I pass it.

LIAM: There are many. There's probably somewhere between 40 to 50 weapons here. There are blades, there are mauls, there is a mace or two.

TJ: I'll pick up a mace and I'll run to the cart on the way.

LIAM: I will say, also as you're running in, you look at it. This mace looks old. As you run up to the cart, you see instant recognition from your youth, from your teen years. One of the farmers that tills the land on Castle Lorelei's grounds is shot full of crossbow bolts, as is his 15-year-old son. They're leaning against each other. It's a cart full of turnips, apples, some cabbage. It looks like someone has started to unload it. Although, it does not look like it pulled up. It looks helter-skelter.

TJ: They're long dead?

LIAM: Make a medicine check.

TJ: 11.

LIAM: Yeah. Maybe it's the rain that has been pouring on them all day long, but there's not as much to go on as the bodies indoors. They definitely weren't killed today.

LAURA: These were innocents. These were our people. We were suppose to protect them. This is an act of war.

ERICA: This is an act of civilization.

TJ: This is our act to choose. If we cannot find our father. We must find him.

SAM: Where are the living quarters?

LIAM: The keep. The largest structure in this castle. There are stairs that lead up to a large ornate set of doors into your home.

SAM: Any light or signs of life up there?

LIAM: The doors are shut.

TRAVIS: Aurra, is that where you smelled Father coming from?

ERICA: It's from that direction.

TRAVIS: Then let's make haste, shall we?

TJ: Are there any foreign carts, horses, travel devices at all in this court?

SAM: Or any carts that aren't usually garaged here?

LIAM: Good question. You don't see anything like that, and there's certainly no living animal or living being in here.

LAURA: Definitely keeping an eye out for any movement, anything that catches our eye.

LIAM: Noted.

TRAVIS: We head towards the gates of the keep.

LIAM: Okay. Who's leading the way?

ERICA: I am.

LAURA: Aurra, she's the oldest.

SAM: I better stay right behind you.

ERICA: Why is that?

SAM: There's no animals to protect you. You need a real weapon or something.

TRAVIS: Are you a real weapon?

SAM: Yeah. License to kill, man.

ERICA: I appreciate your kindness, brother.

LIAM: You ascend the stairs towards the doors to the keep. Do you mean to just push in?

ERICA: I feel like we need to be cautious. Do you hear anything on the other side?

TJ: I pray for Guidance and listen to the door.

LIAM: Sure.

TJ: Perception of 29.

LIAM: Fuck!

TRAVIS: You hear the termites in the wood.

LIAM: Lucius presses his ear to the door and his free hand to his other ear to block out the sound of the rain, shuts his eyes and listens for a full 30 seconds. It takes you a moment to cancel out the sound of the rain drumming, but you do it, and you hear absolutely nothing.

TJ: There is nothing.

TRAVIS: Nothing at all? No sounds? No creaks?

SAM: All right. They could be waiting for us. Still be cautious, and we'll go in. You want me to go first, or you?

ERICA: I need you to jimmy the door for me.

SAM: All right. (grunting)

LIAM: It swings open. It's big. You hit it and it goes (creaking).

TRAVIS: Nice job, human weapon.

LIAM: In here, in the great hall, it's not much, but there clearly has been a fire in the hearth here that is burning down to embers. There is dim light in the grand entryway to your keep. To your home. The first thing that strikes you is a small wooden table and three chairs pulled into the center of the room. There is a smattering of playing cards thrown out across the table.

SAM: Dad?

LAURA: I walk up the table and swipe up the playing cards. Try to sniff them. See if I smell anybody that we recognize.

LIAM: Make an investigation check at disadvantage.

TJ: Guidance.

SAM: How many times can you do this Guidance thing?

LAURA: Damn it. I got a 19 and a fucking one!

LIAM: Nope! You have got the reek of death in your nostrils right now and you can't smell anything else. It's a wonder you can hold your breakfast in.

SAM: I'm going to run to his closet. This is Dad's room?

LIAM: No. Grand entry hall. Your rooms, the twins' joint room, your room, your room, your room are all upstairs. Your Aunt Kat's room is upstairs. Your father's room, your father's study is upstairs.

SAM: We've got to go upstairs. You want to be the tip of the spear this time, Larry?

TRAVIS: Oh, I'm the tip of the spear, you're the human weapon?

TJ: I'm walking up the stairs.

LAURA: I look around the room. Is there any tracks in the room? Anybody that looks like they might still be hiding in the room?

LIAM: Oh. Yeah, okay. Make a perception check.

TRAVIS: While she's doing that, can I ask Aurra if she smells Father in any particular direction?

LAURA: 12.

ERICA: I'm sensing sarcasm from you, brother.

TRAVIS: I was being genuine!

LIAM: There is a very nice carpet under that table and in front of that fire. You do see wet prints pressed.

LAURA: Wet prints!

TRAVIS: What does that mean? What?

LIAM: Lucius is ascending the stairs. Would you make a perception check at advantage?

LAURA: It means whoever was here was here during the rain. Which means they're probably still in the building.

LIAM: Is that a 20?


ERICA: 27.

LIAM: You honestly do smell your father. It's not strange for any of you, but especially you. You spend so much time in the woods, not in your human form. And that smell is coming from upstairs.

ERICA: We must proceed upstairs. The smell is getting stronger.

SAM: I mean, he lives here. Of course you're going to smell him here.

ERICA: Benicio, for christ's sake.

TJ: Did you say there's a print?

TRAVIS: Yes. Fresh print from the rain.

TJ: Human?

LAURA: Human boots.

TJ: I look up the stairs. I listen as well.

LIAM: Sure. Make a new perception check.

TJ: I pray as I do it.

LIAM: Does Jester have Guidance?

LAURA: I don't think so, no.

LIAM: What was it?

TJ: 21.

LAURA: Oh, wait. Is that a cantrip? Motherfuck.

LIAM: You listen. You close your eyes and listen. You're a big listener. Silence.

LAURA: It's really a cantrip?

TRAVIS: Okay. Come on.

SAM: That would involve you helping other people, though.

TRAVIS: Father is upstairs. Let's hurry!

ERICA: We must proceed. I smell him.

TRAVIS: Lucius, hurry.

SAM: What, him?

TRAVIS: Yes. He's got a shield!

LAURA: He's noisy! You're really noisy, Lucius.

SAM: Let me go first.


TJ: I move out of the way.

LIAM: I will tell you guys, just to remind you of the things you've never heard of before this very second. You know at the top of the stairs is your father's study where he welcomes guests. Then out from there, in a ring on the second floor, are all of your bedrooms and your Aunt Kat's bedrooms.

TRAVIS: Nice layout. It's dope. Father's study first, then?

SAM: All right, I'll hoof it up the stairs and make for father's study.

ERICA: The smells weren't coming from there.

TRAVIS: It's not?

LIAM: It is.

SAM: Oh, you're fucking with me. You're always fucking with me. You're always riding me.

ERICA: You think you're the funny one?

TJ: I follow my sister. She knows.

SAM: I'll back up against the door and press it open with my shoulder.

LIAM: With your gigantic shoulder? Right. With all the scar tissue on it?

SAM: Ow. Fuck.

LIAM: You're pushing it open? All right, you do. And nothing happens. Oh, that's so satisfying.

TRAVIS: Yeah, that's good.

LIAM: But it's so familiar to you. You look around, scanning the room, and his shelves of books and ledgers are all there. A map of Wildemount is on the wall, by Deven Rue. Not by Deven Rue. The great leather armchair, his great desk. The thing that is not always there is the severed hand sitting on it with a very familiar silver ring on the ring finger, and a crumpled up piece of paper grasped in it.

SAM: Lawrence, hide Portia's eyes. She can't see this.

TRAVIS: Portia.

LAURA: Get the fuck off me.

SAM: You'll faint. It's too gross.

ERICA: She was never the weak one.

SAM: Who was?

LAURA: Larry.

SAM: Yeah, that's true.

ERICA: Just take deep breaths.

SAM: Are you going to barf?

TRAVIS: Would someone please go check the hand?

ERICA: Brother, deep breaths.

LAURA: I walk up timidly to the hand and look at the note.

LIAM: It grabs you. No.

LIAM: You pull it out of very stiff fingers and open it up. Not much is written on it, but what is written is, "I have him. Come find him in the family's crypts." While you're standing over the desk looking at this, your eye is drawn to the rest of the desk and you see many pieces of paper, and an inkwell, and quills, and what you deduce are attempts at forgery. Revisions and revisions and revisions and revisions.

TRAVIS: It was a trap.

SAM: Who would have known where we all are? And why would they want us to come? This is all a big trap for me? Is it me? This is for me, isn't it?

LAURA: I take Father's ring.

LIAM: Yes. Okay. And are you putting it on, or are you--

LAURA: I'm going to put it-- Is it magical? I'm going to put it on a chain around my neck. Do I think it's magical? Is it magic?

LIAM: With Father's love, yes. Also on the wall, what you know is magical is your father's sword.

TRAVIS: Oh, shit!

LIAM: Vargr, which is a great, black-and-gray steel blade and an iron hilt. With the skull of a wolf carved into the hilt.

LAURA: Oh god. Is it--

ERICA: I will take his sword.

LAURA: Is it a longsword?

TRAVIS: I don't know if you--

LAURA: Wait. Whoa, whoa, whoa.

ERICA: I will take this sword.

LAURA: You are kind of a magic person, and so people who, like, use swords should probably use the sword. I'm just saying.

SAM: Let us, let us--

ERICA: Are you really going to be mean?

LIAM: Portia, it is a longsword.

LAURA: It's a fucking longsword. That's kind of what I specialize in, you motherfuckers.

SAM: I don't want to wolfsplain to you.


ERICA: So you're implying I'm incapable of wielding--

SAM: No! You can do whatever you want. You're smoother--

LAURA: We're just saying you might be better with a staff.

ERICA: I have a staff.

LAURA: That's what I mean.

ERICA: I am the eldest. I am the most deserving--

LAURA: While we're distracting her I go to take it-- Ooh!

ERICA: Portia!

LAURA: You gave up your right when you took up the fucking woods! I mastered The Taming! I stayed at the house!

ERICA: But where is your wisdom?!

LAURA: It's right here! This is mine. I earned this.

ERICA: If you're going to be petty about it, you can have it.

LAURA: Thanks.

ERICA: Where is Father?

TRAVIS: Is there gore behind the desk, on the walls? Does it look like he was (gagging) killed here or just the hand brought in later?

LIAM: Make an investigation check.

SAM: You going to barf?

TRAVIS: No. 11.

LIAM: 11? Yeah, it's not too hard to find. There is a spray of fairly dried blood along the edge of the chair and on the floor here.

TRAVIS: It looks like he was killed perhaps sitting here at his desk.

SAM: Are you CSI-ing this right now?

TRAVIS: Is it not fairly common to the eye?

SAM: Just looks like a bunch of blood.

TRAVIS: Yes. But if he was here at his desk, it begs the question: why was he not on his feet and fighting?

SAM: Sneak attack.

TRAVIS: Or someone he knew.

ERICA: Was he trapped?

TRAVIS: Possibly. Do we know of any enemies? Immediate enemies close to the family that Father might have had quarrels with?

LIAM: No personal grudges.

TRAVIS: Sitting in his chair is not the way Father would have gone. Wouldn't you agree, Lucius?

TJ: (sigh) He is a fighter. Why is his sword still here? Why did they not take it?

TRAVIS: Agreed.

TJ: Why is this place not turned upside down? Why is everyone dead, but only one person was in here?

ERICA: Didn't Father-- Did he have a brother?

LIAM: No. He was an only child. Raised by his aunt.

TJ: Katerine. I run to Aunt Katerine's room.

LIAM: Yeah, okay. You run down the halls. The door on the end, to the left coming up the stairs. Are you going in? Okay. Bust the door open. She has one of those old four-poster beds. It is clear that a scuffle has happened in here. The bed is askew, and there are shredded claw marks in the bedding. Make an investigation check.

TJ: I pray. 23.

LIAM: Yeah. That roll was entirely extraneous. You just walk around the room and once you clear the other side of the bed, you find the lifeless body of your Aunt Katerine in her white gown for sleeping, run through; dried blood along the white of it.

ERICA: What is it, Lucius?

TJ: I pick her up, and I put her gently on the bed, and I right her hair.

LAURA: But there are claw marks on the bedding.

TRAVIS: Someone will pay for this.

LIAM: You rolled a 21?

TJ: 23 total.

LIAM: You can tell by the lay of the sheets and the blankets trailing off the bed on the other side, she made those claw marks.


LIAM: You guys once saw your brother Benicio in his werewolf form drunkenly riding on a horse and slam his head into a low-hanging tree branch, and as soon as he passed out and hit the ground, he reverted back to his regular form.

SAM: She fought. This is fucked up.

TRAVIS: It's more than Father was able to.

TJ: She was run through once?

LIAM: No, twice.

LAURA: Did this happen before they took Father, or--?

SAM: All right.

TRAVIS: What did the letter say? The crypts?

SAM: The crypts, our family crypts.

TRAVIS: Do we know what the fastest way to the crypts would be?

TJ: Do we know the crypts well?

LIAM: Yeah, you've been there, not in the last year because you guys have been off, but at least once a year, you would go with your father to pay your respects to your own mother, who lays there now, and his mother, who lays there now at the very rear of the crypt. So yeah, you know it well.

SAM: It's on the premises?

LIAM: Yeah. It is, you were quite close to it when you were standing at the back of Castle Lorelei, going through your old sneak-away door. It's about a half-mile away from the back.

SAM: Before we barrel down there, we should make sure that there's no one else living or dead around. I want to check our room, let's go check our room.

ERICA: What are we going to do with our aunt?

TJ: I will bury her.

SAM: What? Now?

TJ: Now.

SAM: Now?

TJ: Now.

ERICA: She should be buried in the woods.

TJ: Help me then.

SAM: You're just going to run off into the woods? There's someone--

TRAVIS: Let them bury her.

TJ: Check the rest, see if there's anyone who can give us information. Maybe there's a hiding person.

TRAVIS: Yes. Portia, Benicio, and I shall check the rest of the floor and then meet you in the courtyard by the weapons.

ERICA: Come, Lucius.

LIAM: Okay. What I will say is that over the next 90 minutes, and the use of a spade that you grab on the way out from the courtyard, you two go out to the edge of the woods and take care of your Aunt Katerine, she was very old. The rest of you search all of your rooms. You go to the twins' rooms first. In that room, your bed has been slept in, and there are books thrown all over the floor and pages torn out of them.

TRAVIS: (gasps)

LIAM: You go to your brother Lucius's room and it looks like his closet has been rifled through heavily, there's clothes strewn about the room. The bed has been slept in. You visit Portia's room, you yourself, Portia, and you see that someone has been sleeping in your bed, too. There is a bundle of crossbow bolts leaning against the wall in this room. There is a somewhat ratty, fur-lined vest draped across the writing desk, and there is a dagger sticking out of the edge of the desk.

LAURA: Can I look around that room and see-- I mean, because, somebody left their weapons here. They're still here.

TRAVIS: May I ask: the firmness of the mattresses in each room. Was one too firm and one too soft and one just right?

LIAM: Just right, yours, Lawrence. Yours was just right.

TRAVIS: Son of a bitch!

SAM: Question. In my bed, in the hollowed-out bedposts, was my girly parchment still--

LIAM: Your paintings of women from Marquet are still intact.

SAM: They're still in there.

TRAVIS: Thank god.

SAM: I'll pocket those.

LIAM: Yes, the "Seven Dancing Veils" scroll is still there.

TRAVIS: Not that I was ever in your room when you went there.

ERICA: Are we away during this?

LIAM: You two are off, right. If you want, I can jump back to you, but let's finish searching the house.

TRAVIS: The pages that were torn out of the books, were the books of any import that I would notice?

LIAM: One was your book on maths that you were very fond of.

LAURA: Meths. What is--


SAM: In England, they call math "maths" and they call sports "sport."

TRAVIS: Right, take the 's' off.

LIAM: Some of your favorite works of fiction are torn up.

TRAVIS: So personal.

LIAM: One piece of paper has a bit of poo on it in the absolute corner.

SAM: Oh, they were using it for toilet paper.

TRAVIS: Someone wiped their arse with one of my books?

LIAM: It is sitting next to a chamber pot, yes, and your--

SAM: I did that a lot when we were kids.

TRAVIS: Did you do this?

SAM: No, I did not kill our family and go through your shit.

TRAVIS: Do I believe him?

LIAM: Make an insight check.

TRAVIS: Natural 19.

LIAM: He's full of shit, he killed them all.

TRAVIS: Madness! Transform!

LIAM: In the interest of time, you do search the other rooms as well. You check your father's bedroom, which seems to be the first room that is totally untouched and perfect, not bothered at all, as best you can tell. You visit your eldest sister's room. It almost looks untouched, it looks fine, the bed is made. There is a strange satchel on it made of a very dark leather, oiled.

SAM: This is in Aurra's room?

LIAM: Yes. It smells strange, not like the bodies of the dead, but it smells strange, spiced almost, and there is a dagger inside it with Elven on the hilt. Does anyone speak Elven?


LAURA: Oh, I do. Oh no, I speak Sylvan.

SAM: I do too! I speak Elvish.

LIAM: Both of you?

SAM: That was our secret twin language.

LIAM: It very simply says, "Silent message," in Elven on the hilt. That's all you find here.

SAM: Do you want to keep it?

TRAVIS: Sure. I'll take it.

LAURA: Lawrence. Why do you pretend you have an accent?

TRAVIS: What do you mean pretend? I've been educated--

LAURA: We all grew up together, you don't have an accent.

TRAVIS: I had tutors from abroad and they rubbed off. Don't be jealous, okay? Jelly won't serve you here.


LIAM: Our guests are so disappointed.

LAURA: She's like, "All of this research?"

LIAM: "This is what I was sweating?" Let's jump outside. Is there anything that we're missing with the two of you?

TJ: Burial, last rites.

ERICA: Tears.

LIAM: You were very close to her.

ERICA: I was.

LIAM: She told you again and again how much you reminded her of her older sister.

ERICA: She did. It's part of the reason why I went into the woods. I felt like following my innate path was the right choice, among other things. Shall we go back to the castle?

TJ: Say one last parting prayer and we return.

LIAM: All right. You meet up in the courtyard and report to each other what you found.

SAM: Found a stinky bag, and a knife, and some poo pages.

TRAVIS: Yeah, the stinky bag and the knife were in your room, sister.

SAM: Yeah, here's the bag. Do you recognize it at all?

ERICA: I do.

SAM: What?


ERICA: It reminds me of something from before I took to the woods. Someone was here, I don't remember who they were.

SAM: They came visiting?

ERICA: They did, at least for a portion of the summer, but it wasn't spoken of. They carried this.

SAM: Man? Woman?

LAURA: Were they Elvish?

ERICA: It was a man.

LAURA: Did they have pointy ears?

ERICA: He did not have pointy ears. I know what an elf is.

SAM: So he was an elf in disguise.

ERICA: Okay.

LIAM: You are not a very grand noble family, but you do have emissaries come.

TRAVIS: Did he visit just the once?

ERICA: He did, but he stayed.

SAM: Was he studying here, or doing business?

ERICA: I don't recall, I was six.

SAM: Do you remember his name?

ERICA: I don't remember his name, but I don't remember getting a good feeling from him.

SAM: Was it an 'A' word? Ah? Eh?

ERICA: I'm not sure if you heard me the first time.

SAM: Well, sometimes it helps me if I think of the first letter.

LAURA: Should we go down to the crypts, should we try to rescue Father?


TJ: Is there anything inside the spike?

LIAM: It was just the blade that they found.

TRAVIS: Oh, I do share with the blade to the both of them.

ERICA: The smell is familiar. Does anyone else recognize it?

LAURA: Do we recognize it?

LIAM: Make a history check.

SAM: Smell check. Natural 20.


TJ: Natural 20 and a prayer.

LAURA: 18.

SAM: We're big on smells in this family.

LIAM: Well, you are.

TRAVIS: Yeah, we're like (inhaling) Flashback!

LIAM: None of you have ever traveled abroad, but you have been to different parts of Wildemount. This bag is not any kind of bag you have seen, any kind of style of fashion in any of the places that you've traveled.

LAURA: It's definitely not from Wildemount.

ERICA: Does no one remember the smell?

LAURA: No. If you were six, we weren't born yet.

TJ: While they're talking, I prepare myself for the crypts. I go put my armor on and gather my own shield and weapons.

LIAM: Excellent.

LAURA: I sit down in the rain with Father's sword across my knees and try to figure out what it does.

LIAM: You don't have to. It is a badass longsword. Your father has let you wield it before in training. It is a plus two longsword, it does not require attunement. It is very finely made and very sharp.

SAM: I'm going to find some burnt coal or burnt wood, streak across my face a couple times, getting ready for battle.

TRAVIS: It's raining, you moron.

SAM: Oh shit.

LIAM: No, actually, in the last five to ten minutes, it has slowed to a drizzle.

TRAVIS: It is drizzling, you moron.

LIAM: Now it's misting at this point.

TRAVIS: It's only misting, it should last a good while.

SAM: Anything you need to do to prepare? We're going into some shit down there.

TRAVIS: No, I'm always ready.

SAM: That's creepy. How about you, Aurra? Are you ready for this?

ERICA: No, but I will proceed.

LAURA: (whispering) There's no plus two longsword in D&D Beyond.

TRAVIS: You just add it in your head. Just do it on the fly.

LIAM: You just add it, man.

LAURA: I don't understand what you guys are saying.

LIAM: You guys exit through the same chapel that you entered in.

LAURA: I add it to my hit, or do I add it to my damage, or both?

LIAM: Both.

LAURA: Awesome.

LIAM: You exit out the back of the keep, and it is dark out, although you are starting to get occasional wisps of the moon, almost full, appearing as the clouds break and then cover again. To get to the family crypts, they were built into a cave system discovered hundreds of years ago, and that you follow along the treeline about a quarter mile in that direction. It wraps around and that leads you to a mausoleum. What's the other word? Sepulcher?

TRAVIS: Yeah, like a domed entrance to the--

LIAM: It's a small building that serves as an entrance to the greater crypts below. We set off in that direction, I assume?

TRAVIS: Mm-hmm.

LIAM: Are we marching merrily along, are we doing anything special?

LAURA: Are we trying to be sneaky?

TRAVIS: Fuck that.

LAURA: They know we're here. They know we're coming.

TRAVIS: Going to carve them.

ERICA: Do you feel the moon?


TJ: I always feel the moon.

TRAVIS: I admit I feel a little, it's not as strong an urge, but yes, some.

LIAM: This conversation happens as you trudge through the tall grass behind the keep.

TJ: The final bit though, we cannot approach from the front. Several people it took to kill an entire castle of our friends and family. If they're waiting for us, they will expect it from the front, no doubt.

TRAVIS: He speaks true.

LAURA: Should we split up and enter from both sides?

TJ: We should never split up.

ERICA: I agree.

TJ: This is what caused this, unfortunately. We should come around from the side, I think?

LIAM: Okay. You know intimately what it looks like. It is a low wall, surrounds the entire cemetery, and it's broken, it's old, so the wall is fragmented and easy to enter from any side, really. There's a wrought-iron fence that is aging and decrepit, but that also surrounds the mausoleum itself. Many generations are buried both in the grounds and below.

LIAM: Alfarr, the first wolf, is buried within, but you could potentially enter from any of the four sides. To get to the rear, you would probably have to cut into the woods and then pop back out again, but that's possible.

TJ: I would like to suggest that to the group. She can guide us through the woods best and we can have a look to see if there's anything waiting for us.

TRAVIS: I'm already covered in muck. No objections.

ERICA: I would be more comfortable as my wolf self.

SAM: You want to turn now?

ERICA: The moon is full, brother.

SAM: Well yeah, but you don't have to-- I mean, you're pretty scary when you're a wolf.

ERICA: Not a full wolf, brother.

SAM: All right. Well, maybe not yet.

LAURA: I'm not doing it.

TRAVIS: Do it, sister, set the tone.

ERICA: Thank you. I become a werewolf.

TRAVIS: Yeah! Sorry.

LIAM: You watch as Aurra pops her shoulders and twists her neck and you see her grow a full two or three inches and her shoulders widen and that very familiar prickle of fur, which starts like needles but then pushes out and becomes thick. Do me a favor, Erica. What is the pattern of fur?

ERICA: Gray with white.

LIAM: She stands there, her breath floating in the air. It's cold now after the rain. You're seeing her breath in great heaves in the air.

SAM: Haven't seen that in a while.

TJ: She has mastered the gift. It is effortless and graceful. Moonweaver bless you.

ERICA: Thank you, brother.

SAM: I'll guess you'll lead the way, then?

LIAM: So through the woods to the back?

SAM: Is that where we're going?

ERICA: To the back?

LIAM: Well, you can approach. It's open almost from all sides, so there is definitely an entrance.

ERICA: Yes. Through the woods.

SAM: Lawrence? I think the moon is affecting you. Your hands are already turning.


SAM: I slap his hand into his face when he looks down at it.

LIAM: You know that in times of great traumatic pain, Benicio has always sought solace in slap dick humor.

TRAVIS: Well played, brother.

ERICA: Don't resist it.

LIAM: Into the woods you go. I don't require any rolls for this, to find the way, because you've done it many times. You lead your siblings through the woods in an arc and take about 20 minutes to reach a point where you know if you then veer back to your right and out of the woods, you will be will be about a hundred yards away from the cemetery grounds.

TJ: We're here solely to first gain information about our enemy and to see if they lie in wait for us.

LAURA: So we should move stealthily?

TJ: I should not lead the way.

ERICA: I will go on all fours.

TRAVIS: Indeed.

TJ: I'll hang back and allow them, but I'll keep looking.

LIAM: So we're stealthing in? Are you hanging back, Lucius?

TJ: I hang back a healthy distance while I can still see them because I'm not good at dexterous--

LIAM: Well how far back are we saying?

TJ: 15, 20, 30 feet. Whatever is comfortable.

LIAM: So I'll say: everyone, make a straight stealth check.

TJ: I pray for my stealth check.

LAURA: Shit.

ERICA: Great. I'm a two.

SAM: Well, she had a natural one.

LIAM: Okay.

TRAVIS: Oh amazing, in your werewolf form?

LAURA: I got a total of six.


LIAM: Okay, so you guys are stealthing through the tall, wet grass after leaving the forest behind you. What did you get, Lucius?

TJ: 12.


LIAM: 17.

SAM: 11.

LIAM: Everyone was worried about Lucius. Aurra is so thirsty now that she starts, in the still of the night, you hear that deep roiling growl in her giant rib cage now, but you stalk through the grass and you see that low wall ahead of you and the rear wall of the mausoleum where the ceremonial entrance to the crypts. You don't see anything from back here and the main cemetery grounds are in front of the structure. Are we going to creep up to the wall?

ERICA: We're going to climb the wall.

SAM: Climb the wall?

ERICA: We're going to climb the wall.

TJ: How high is this wall?

LIAM: The wall is only five feet and it's broken in places. You can just walk through.

LAURA: As they climb it I walk around it.

ERICA: I attempt to climb the wall and dislodge a stone in my stealth.

LIAM: So you scrabble up, claw your way up.

ERICA: All fours.

LIAM: Portia strides in regally alongside you.

LAURA: Really?!

LIAM: You're now standing at the very rear side of this stone, small building, not much bigger than the space that we're all in right now, in this studio. You don't hear anything, you don't see anything. What do you want to do here?

TRAVIS: Does your keen nose sense anything?

LAURA: Can you smell Father?

ERICA: No, but I smell that satchel.

LIAM: Make a perception check. At advantage.

LAURA: Ooh, that means roll it twice.

ERICA: Is that--

LAURA: That's a nine.

ERICA: That's a nine.

LIAM: At advantage, so roll again.

SAM: Do it again and take the better number.

LAURA: Ooh, much better.

ERICA: 16.

LAURA: Plus?

ERICA: Plus--

SAM: Other things.

LAURA: Perception?

ERICA: Perception is (counting)

LAURA: Whoa, 23!

ERICA: Thank you. Jesus. Wow.

LIAM: You smell blood. You smell living, breathing human blood.

TJ: I shuffle closer.

ERICA: Be careful, brother.

LIAM: Right now, you guys do not see much, you're just standing at the back of the building.

SAM: There's no door or windows?

LIAM: Not back here, no. You know it's on the other side. The exact opposite side of where you are.

SAM: Let's go around.

LAURA: Do I hear movement?

LIAM: Make a perception check.


LIAM: No, just the occasional drift of rain for a few seconds and then stopping. It's on and off right now.

TRAVIS: Lucius, if we're going to be making our way around, it wouldn't hurt to take both flanks.

TJ: Very well. I will follow Aurra.

SAM: You're going to go with Aurra?

ERICA: Yes, he's going to go with me.

SAM: All right. Want to take the other side?

TRAVIS: Yes, indeed.

LAURA: I'll go with the lame-o twins.

SAM: So you're with Aurra and Lucius then? Because we're pretty awesome.

TRAVIS: Yeah. Bros.

LIAM: So it is Lawrence, Benicio, Portia. So three blood hunters.

SAM: Oh, that seems fair.

LIAM: And our lady of the wood and our man of the claw. Okay, who's taking the left and who's taking the right?

ERICA: We will take the left.

LAURA: We'll take the right.

LIAM: Okay. Still stealthing along, creeping around the edges, you start to see the wrought iron fence that surrounds this building. You also see the cemetery has been, from your vantage point-- and there is, you can't see the source, but there is actually light here. There is flickering light being reflected from some source that you're not able to see on the cemetery which has been abused. You see headstones pushed over. You see piles of mud. You see cloth or canvas tarps lying about in great puddles. It's a mess.

LAURA: Is someone camping in our cemetery?

TRAVIS: Yeah I go and inspect one of the canvas tarps.

LIAM: They're further towards the entrance.

TRAVIS: I don't mind.

TJ: You said that's where light is coming from?

LIAM: No. If this were the building right here and I'm you guys initially coming around the side, you would see the light reflecting off of things over there. So it's here, but out of view.

TJ: There is light directly in front of the building that we cannot see the source.

LIAM: That you can't see the source, right.

ERICA: Flame light?

LIAM: It looks like it, the light is shifting, yeah.

TJ: Listen.

LIAM: You hear just the gentle crackle of fire.

ERICA: I'm on my legs again just for the record.

TJ: So we smell smoke?

LIAM: Make a perception check at advantage. No, you're not a-- make a perception check.

TJ: Pray. 19 plus seven.

SAM: Jesus.

LIAM: Yeah, it's faint--

TJ: 29 total.

LIAM: Whoa! It's faint, but you feel that telling acrid smell of a torch.

TJ: I tell my sister, but she already knows.

TRAVIS: I would assume we have the element of surprise, yes?

SAM: There's only one door in?

LIAM: Mm-hmm.

SAM: Should we just bum rush it?

LAURA: I mean, we're on opposite sides we have to communicate with our siblings on the other. (pigeon cooing)

TJ: We're on opposite sides of a solid building? We cannot see each other.

LIAM: Stone building. Yeah, you guys are exactly opposite each other right now.

LAURA: Campfire. (more pigeon coos)

LIAM: They're doing a running gag that you guys are not in on.

TRAVIS: The twins and Portia begin to creep closer towards the source of light.

LAURA: Yeah.

TJ: I suggest to my sister that I have no doubt they will attack if given the chance, so we'll just wait for the sign, perhaps.

SAM: Now we don't smell anything yet, do we?

LAURA: Do we see the light?

LIAM: Have you turned the corner?

LAURA: Have we? I mean, we saw the dancing reflection.

TRAVIS: We moved to turn the corner.

LAURA: Stealthily.

LIAM: You move to turn the corner. There's a giant wooden door that is closed here, locked for all time unless Father's bringing you here for visits. But that door apparently is wide open and you still can't see the source, but the flickering light's coming from inside.

LAURA: Can we creep up to the edge of the door? I want to see if I can see a reflection in my sword. You know, if I stick--

LIAM: So you're going to--

LAURA: Use it like a mirror, you know?

LIAM: Yeah, I know exactly what you mean. As you stand there and hold your father's blade out to try to catch the light, you hear a sound from behind you from two places. The sound of fabric and you hear-- and this is happening in a second-- metal banging off stone. Turning to look, you see there are two men at opposite corners of the cemetery in the act of throwing canvas off of themselves. Each of them has a censer, a small metal box or cylinder hanging from a chain and the metal is an oily black color or texture. You see in that split second they're starting to spin them and a sickly green mist or smoke is coming out of them. You start, in your peripheral vision on all sides, to see a little bit of movement. Everybody roll for initiative.

TRAVIS: Oh shit.

LIAM: Hold that number in your head.

TRAVIS: Oh my god.

LAURA: Oh my god, he's getting a map.

ERICA: Is this the bottom or the top is the dot?

SAM: I think that--

LAURA: The bottom is the dot.

ERICA: The bottom is the dot? So it's a nine-- oh I see. Got it.

LAURA: And you have an initiative number.

ERICA: Yes, okay. Oh, it's up here.

ERICA: Delightful.

TRAVIS: Look at your sheets.

SAM: Oh boy, look at this map!

TRAVIS: Oh shit!

SAM: Liam, you've gone above and beyond.

LAURA: This is amazing!

SAM: But wait, there's a lot of bad guys here.

LAURA: Are those dead people? What's going on?

LIAM: We've got Lucius and here's our low wall. Lucius. Who do we think is where? Lucius in the lead or is Aurra?

ERICA: I would be in the lead.

LIAM: Okay, we have Portia and the twins right here at the door. Okay. And our men, here's one of them, right here. He has long dark brown hair and angular face.

LAURA: And he's bringing up the dead.

LIAM: We have a man who's got-- his head is mostly shaved, but wet nappy blueish hair pasted to his skull and is wearing some of Lucius' clothing.

LAURA: That's the dick that was in your room.

TRAVIS: So this is a person-- This is a person, right?

LIAM: That is seemingly a person, that's a person. Everything else is dead.

SAM: And it's not moving?

LIAM: No, beginning to move. So let's get those initiative rolls, guys.

SAM: Oh boy.


LIAM: Oh sorry, 25 to 20.

TRAVIS: Anybody roll 25 to 20? No? Okay.

LIAM: Okay. 15 to 20.

LAURA: 18.

LIAM: 18. Okay. I'm going to use these things called stat trackers to help me remember what the heck is going on.

SAM: This episode not brought to you by stat trackers.

LIAM: But they're really nifty. Where's the Portia one? It's got all your info on it so I can see. We'll start here. You're first up.

LAURA: Ooh, cool!

LIAM: Did anyone get ten to 15?

SAM: 16.

ERICA: I got ten total.

LIAM: Hold on, we'll get you all in order.

TRAVIS: I got 12.

LIAM: Benicio, you got?


LIAM: Ten, you got 12, so Lawrence, Aurra. Lucius, what did you roll?

TJ: Technically, it's like zero.

LIAM: Gotcha.

ERICA: All those fun 20s over there.

TRAVIS: He front loaded them.

SAM: Should have prayed.

TRAVIS: That's what I asked him if he could. He said no.

LIAM: And oh man.

TRAVIS: Portia, Benicio, Lawrence, Aurra, Lucius.

LAURA: Ooh skelly, skelly, skeletons! Oh, we can see when they go? That's good.

LIAM: Portia.

LAURA: Oh, that's me!

LIAM: You are first.

LAURA: Oh my god.

SAM: All right, Portia.

LAURA: Okay. Oh god!

TRAVIS: You know what you're doing!

LAURA: Totally!

SAM: You've got a badass sword--

LAURA: I've got a badass sword!

SAM: We're just going to run away.

LAURA: Oh wait, I'm not seeing my bonus actions here?

LIAM: Help me, spirit of Matt! Where's your battle music? Is it happening? Can you hear it?

SAM: I don't hear anything.

LIAM and ERICA: Come on, battle music.

SAM: Jiggle the tip? Jiggle the cord?

LIAM: Jiggle the cord?

TRAVIS: I'm sure there's cords.

LAURA: So our curses we can do once per-- no, our curses was can just do every turn?

SAM: Yes.

LIAM: You can, per a long rest, do a curse two times.

SAM: Curses are more for reactions. Well, I don't know what yours are.

LAURA: Mine is the Blood Curse of Binding!

ERICA: And can I do all these things as a werewolf still?

LIAM: Yes, in werewolf form you can still do all your druidic spells.

LAURA: Binding is not-- is as many times as I want, right? Because it's just a bonus action.

LIAM: No, it's two times you can do one of those Maledicts.

LAURA: Oh really?

LIAM: As I understand it.

LAURA: Then I'm going to hold on, and I'm going to-- but the gate is closed?

LIAM: No, this gate is-- you know, it's a model. This gate is hanging open, there's gaps, there's this skeleton there. There's a dead warrior here. These are your ancestors, by the way.

ERICA, SAM, and LAURA: Oh god, no.

LAURA: (southern accent) Why you got to play it like that?

TRAVIS: Uncle Carl!

LAURA: I'm going to run up to this guy in the corner closest to me.

LIAM: This one here?

LAURA: Yeah. I'm going to swipe at his legs! Because I don't want to take his head off because he's my ancestor!

SAM: (singing) 'Cause I don't want to take his head off.

LAURA: So I'm going to roll. Ooh! That's a 24!

LIAM: Okay that hits!

TRAVIS: You're not changing?

LAURA: Not yet! 14 damage!

LIAM: Okay, so Portia runs forward with her father's blade, rams the sword through the ribs of this--

LAURA: No, I'm taking his legs off.

LIAM: Taking his legs off? Okay you cleave right through. They are brittle and snap into pieces, and the thing just falls to the ground and breaks into seven or eight different fragments of person. They shake for a moment and lie still.

SAM: He's dead?

LIAM: Well, he was already dead, but he's gone.

SAM: He's deader.

LAURA: My second attack I'm going to run forward and get this other guy closest to me. I'm going to try it again!

LIAM: Go for it.

SAM: Portia!

LAURA: That's not as good, that's a 12.

LIAM: That does not hit. You go to stab through, and it actually goes through an empty space in the creature's body. It pulls away. It does go through its ribs, but does nothing to it, and it turns towards you. Now it is Benicio's turn, unless you wanted to do anything else?

LAURA: I'm going to look at the living guy, and I'm going to go: I fucking see you.

LIAM: Okay. And now we're onto Benicio.

SAM: Oh man! I'm going to see my sister in trouble, and be like: No way! I run up to her, on her six. I can get there, right?

LIAM: Yeah, you can get to there.

SAM: Glaive attack the skeleton that's on her!

LIAM: Sure. Also, as you're running up here, you're noticing not a skeleton, but what apparently is just a dog who came here to die is also climbing up over the stone wall. But you're attacking this one? Go for it. Roll to attack.

SAM: That's a 21 to hit!

LIAM: That hits, for sure!

SAM: Sure! That's seven points of damage.

LIAM: Okay. You bring the glaive down straight on top of its head, and it just collapses in like a skeletal accordion. It smashes to the ground.

SAM: Not moving?

LIAM: Yeah. Three seconds later it is just a pile of bone and rags. It is not moving.

SAM: Am I within range of the dog?

LIAM: Sure, if you take one more step.

SAM: I'll spin and attack this dog! Not even knowing if it's a good dog or a bad dog.


LIAM: It's dead.

LAURA: Oh, it's a dead dog?

LIAM: Half of its face is hanging off. There's a lot of flesh on the bones too, but not all the flesh.

SAM: Okay. Ka-kow! Ooh. 25.

LIAM: 25? You take your glaive and you toss it up into the air, and then swing it like a gigantic oversized golf club. The glaive's blade catches into the dog's guts. Something bursts inside, sprays your boot, and the dog goes (dying snarl) and flies through the air and crashes and rolls down the hill.

SAM: It's great.

LIAM: That's it, it's gone.

SAM: Okay. Oh, we've got a lot of dudes here, right? Bonus action, I'm going to whisper a solemn prayer and cast the Rite of the Frozen on my weapon.

LIAM: All right.

LAURA: Okay, can I ask you a question? So our rites, can we do that every turn?

LIAM: It lasts twice a day. You can make either your claw or your blade have that extra arcane energy to it, and then it lasts-- I forget how long.

SAM: It lasts until you-- shit. Until a rest?

LAURA and ERICA: Until you shit?

SAM: I'll look it up, you just DM.

LIAM: Okay, great. Just don't do it if you're a lavender tiefling with three hit points, that's the only rule. Don't do it then.

ERICA: Great.

SAM: Oh, I take six points of damage.

LIAM: That's right.

SAM: Yep. From casting the rite. That's it, that's my move.

LIAM: Okay. Now we're onto Lawrence.

TRAVIS: I see my brother and sister making such quick work of whatever these creatures are, and I'll run towards this front gate.

LIAM: It's open.

TRAVIS: I would hope so, but I burst through dramatically.

LIAM: (clanging)

TRAVIS: I will attack that first beastie in front of me.

LIAM: All right, go for it.

TRAVIS: That is a 15.

LIAM: That does, in fact, hit.

TRAVIS: Nice! Oh, it's actually 16, sorry. That is a one. Four points of damage.

LIAM: Four points of damage. Shortsword, right?


LIAM: You take your sword and you jam it right through its hips, trying to take it apart at the legs. You've seen how easy it was for everybody to do what they did. The hip breaks off, and the leg shutters, but it (growling) turns around towards you, still moving.

TRAVIS: That's embarrassing. Second attack. That is a 19 to hit.

LIAM: You see it coming around and raising its own rusted, old blade. You take your other shortsword and swing it at the neck, and the head goes pop, flies in the air and bounces and rolls into a hole in the ground and scutters away into a grave.

TRAVIS: Excellent. (singing) Bonus, do I want to do anything? And I want to just stay there because of you. (speaking) Actually, yes, I'll use the rest of movement to come within melee of caped bastard.

SAM: It lasts until your next short or long rest.

LAURA: Oh shit, really?

TRAVIS: What's that?

SAM: The rite. It goes until we take a rest.

TRAVIS: I will use my bonus action to imbue my shortswords with fire damage, and I will take negative six.

LAURA: I think you only can do one of the swords, I don't think you can do both.

LIAM: That's correct.

TRAVIS: The one in my right hand, okay?

LIAM: But one at a time.

TRAVIS: Right, not the stranger.

TJ: While all of this is happening, can I speak to her because we're watching all of this?

LIAM: If it's quick, yeah, sure.

SAM: Three seconds.

TJ: There is magic here, sister. Know that, find the one doing the magic, that is the only one that matters.

ERICA: Yes, brother, I know.

LIAM: Now we're on our strangers. The one with the long, brown hair-- handsome if he wasn't covered in filth-- backs up here and gets into this corner. Leering and smiling and holding that censer hanging from a chain and you hear him mutter, "Go, go!" This one does the same, creeps around, pushing backwards, eyeing you guys as he goes. He moves back into this corner holding the censer aloft, and as he moves back, he yells out, "Ray. Ray!" Portia, what is your armor class?

LAURA: It is 16.

LIAM: Okay. You feel a crossbow bolt sink between your shoulder blades. You take 13 points of piercing damage.

LAURA: What the fuck?

LIAM: Looking over your shoulder, you see a woman, a very ropey, ragged, red-haired woman, standing at a perch on top, hiding, somewhat obscured behind this-- Ah! She's dead. On this spire up top. She is wearing a ragged vest, and there's a hood, a very wet cloak over her bare arms holding her crossbow, and she's leering down at you.

LAURA: That's a lot of damage.

LIAM: Now it is the skeletons' turns.

SAM: You got hit, Portia?

LAURA: Yeah.

LIAM: Here's what happens. This one-- (counting)-- I'm going to move things first. So this happens, this happens. Since there's so many-- This one is actually stuck in the ground, and it's going like, (rattling), reaching out towards you, Lawrence. This one steps into Portia. This one also steps over to Lawrence, but this one closes in and starts moving dumbly towards this man in the corner. So does this one. So does this one. They just start converging on this guy.

SAM: Are they going to attack him?

LIAM: He's stuck. Same thing's happening over here. This one moves in, and as that's happening, you see looks of confusion and pants-shitting fear on their faces as they're suddenly surrounded by the dead, but we'll get to them. Over here, we've got three skeletons converging on Lawrence, and Lawrence, your AC is 16.

TRAVIS: That's correct.

SAM: You better wolf out there.

LIAM: The first two swing dumbly at you, and they're not that fast. They're terrifying; they're covered and streaked in mud and 50- to 200-year-old weapons in hand. But they're slow, and the first two swing at you, and you very easily dodge out of the way. The last one does, while you're busy with those two, manage to score a hit on you, and you take four points of slashing damage as you feel an old, rusted blade bite into your back. Over here with Portia, it's not bad; it's just one.

SAM: Watch out, Porsh.

LIAM: That's an 18; also hits. You take eight points of slashing damage.

LAURA: What the fuck? Ah!

LIAM: Cuts into your arm, and you feel it gets through some of the scales where two pieces of scale armor meet here. It gets right in that wedge.

SAM: What's wrong with you? I said watch out.

LAURA: Thanks, Benny.

LIAM: Then, in the corner, as they both start to go, "Wha-- What?" One, two, three.

SAM: Are they just bad at this spell?

ERICA: Clearly. They're not winning at this.

LIAM: Hits. Misses, misses. Okay, over on this side, we see two skeletons converging, and run this guy through with old blades. He looks terrified, and white as a ghost as two old blades go (slicing) (spluttering). He spits, and a glob of blood flies out of his mouth. He is still on his feet, though. Over on this side, we get--

TRAVIS: We better beat that bitch up top, I'm just saying.

LIAM: Same over here. This guy is converged on as well, and you hear him scream out in a high tenor, and he takes a wedge out of the side of him with a sword. He doesn't do as badly as his friend over there, but he is damaged as well. Damage for the second is-- Okay.

SAM: I think the skeletons are on our side, guys.

LIAM: Now we are on Aurra. Wolven Aurra, what would you like to do?

ERICA: Can I Entangle from the angle that I'm at to the woman on the-- Actually, can I see the woman on the roof?

LIAM: You can see her.

ERICA: So I have acknowledged that she's present?

LIAM: Yeah, she made herself known. She threw a tarp off of herself. She was in a little perch up there. So you want to use Grasping Vines?

ERICA: I would like to use those, if I could. Coming up-- It's Entangle, it just--

SAM: It's Entangle, yeah.

LAURA: Entangle might have to be on the ground.

ERICA: I mean, it's from the ground. But it doesn't specify the height of the vine.

SAM: That's true.

ERICA: So I could wrap around the entire structure.

LIAM: What's your spell DC, you want to remind me of that? It's on your character page, in the bottom-right hand corner where I wrote it for you there.

SAM and ERICA: 15.

LIAM: 15. It's strength, right? Numbers, numbers, numbers.

ERICA: Entangle.

LIAM: Vines burst out of the stone, out of the little cracks where barely any soil exists, but it still manages to crawl and grow and expand and twist around her. She sees it and manages to push and pull away and jump over to this side. She is not restrained. She managed to pull it off of her legs and get free of it. There is a huge patch of vines-- well, we didn't specify where it was, so she is surrounded by them, but she's still holding her own.

ERICA: Okay.

LIAM: The vines are still there. Lucius, it's your turn.

SAM: She can still move, right? You. Yes.

ERICA: If she moves, she's fucked, is what--

SAM: Yes. You can also move if you wanted to move your person over there.

ERICA: Question. Do I cross that off, now that I've--

LIAM: That is a spell slot, yes.

ERICA: That is a spell that I have used. Great. Okay. Cool. Done. I'm doing it, I'm doing the things.

SAM: You are.

ERICA: Okay. Great. Could I-- (sighs) Don't want to use that. Shoot. I'm up. But I do. Can I Haste?

LAURA: Oh, you can only do one spell per--

ERICA: One spell per. Thank you. Then I can just take an action?

LIAM: You can move right now. That was your action. If you want to a different position--

ERICA: Okay. Ugh. I mean, I would go after her.

TRAVIS: Yeah, you would.

LIAM: You could get over the building. I would say climbing up would be your action, because that's a very involved thing--

ERICA: That would be a separate action? So I run to the building--

LIAM: You can use your movement to leap through this. All right, so your hulking, now fur-lined body streaks through this gap in the fence and gets to the bottom and looking up at the edge which is 15 feet high. Not too terrible for you, but it's up there. You're waiting. Lucius.

TJ: Moonweaver.


TJ: Please teach her the curse of our family. Sacred Flame.


TJ: That's a saving throw, dexterity.

LIAM: Okay.

TJ: Versus 15, please.

LIAM: She does not make that.

TJ: If she fails it, then she will also get the Mark of Waning.

LIAM: Ooh, what does that do? Remind me.

TJ: The moon domain's--

SAM: Because it's raining?


TRAVIS: Wonderful.

TJ: The creature's speed is halved, and it has disadvantage on strength ability checks until the end of its next turn.

LIAM: Roll for radiant damage, 1d8, on her?

TJ: Three.

LIAM: Three, okay.


LIAM: All right. We are back up to Portia. Where you at, girl?

LAURA: Oh me?

SAM: Yeah. Rev those engines.

LAURA: I want to kill this-- oh, wait, first I'm going to Crimson Rite my sword! Wait, should I, though? Because my hit points are pretty fucking low already.

SAM: Yeah, come on, pull a Taliesin. Let's do it.

LAURA: Ugh, I'm going to Crimson Rite my sword!

LIAM: You take six hex-- hix points.

LAURA: Hix points.

LIAM: (southern accent) Like them hix points!

LAURA: I want to do fire damage. I've seen my brother do it, and I do it too. Okay.

LIAM: Okay. So--

TRAVIS: Then what?

LAURA: I'm going to hit this skeleton, I guess.

TRAVIS: (southern accented) Sho' nuff! The Lorelei family's been in these woods for a long time.

LIAM: Her ear is wreathed in flame now.

LAURA: 18.

LIAM: 18 hits.

LAURA: What do I add for my-- do I add six to the damage now?

LIAM: Yes.

LAURA: Really?

LIAM: It's a d6.

LAURA: Awesome.

LIAM: You got your plus two from your longsword.

LAURA: 16 points of damage.

LIAM: 16 points of damage? The skeleton erupts in flame. It does a small mini explosion in the night here. Sparks fall, bone fragments fall to the ground. It is gone. You can still move.

LAURA: Yeah. I'm going to run over to my brother--

LIAM: This one here?

LAURA: No, not that one. The other one.

TRAVIS: Your favorite brother.

LAURA: My weakling brother.

LIAM: Do you want to flank this one or-- where you want to go?

LAURA: I'm going to go-- the one-- at his back.

LIAM: Yeah? Flanking? All right. Advantage on that, then.

LAURA: Sweet, and I'm going to try to hit him. Good thing there's advantage. 14 plus nine, so that hits.

LIAM: Yes, it does.

TRAVIS: Extra d6.

LAURA: I did it. 18.

LIAM: Oh, man.

SAM: Rough.

LIAM: You bring it right through the thing's spinal cord, the ribs go (cracking) break. Again, little fireworks flying, it breaks in half and both the halves go flying off in this direction, scuttle across the ground, land on the puddle, and steam (hissing) out after being--

TRAVIS: Thanks for that, sister.

LIAM: Now we are on to-- is that the end of your turn? You get all your stuff in?

LAURA: (whispering) That's the end of my turn.

LIAM: Benicio.

SAM: I will yell out--

LAURA: Oh, wait! Do I have any movement left?

LIAM: You can go five more feet, I'll give you.

LAURA: I want to step on the-- no, to where the stone is blocking me to that stupid girl on the roof.

TRAVIS: Oh yeah, cover it.

LIAM: Oh, nice. Yeah, real nice.

SAM: I will yell out, "Lawrence!" With my twin rage, I will run towards him as fast as I can. When I get there--

LAURA: Tell me that's going to get a swipe!

SAM: Oh, is that thing going to get a swipe on me?

LIAM: Which way are you going?

SAM: I'm going right past him.

LIAM: Here?

SAM: I want to get up in the face of the people that my brother is fighting.

TRAVIS: The cloaked ones?

LIAM: It's (counting) 20, you can go two more. You can go--

SAM: Sure, but is the guy-- the fucker on the ground going to get a swipe at me?

LIAM: You don't know.

SAM: Okay. Yeah, I'll keep going--

LIAM: To where? Here? I'll let you stand atop that fallen gravestone of your ancestors if you want.

SAM: Sure. Well, I want to get in range of both of the people who are attacking Lawrence.

LIAM: Okay, all right. So (counting) 25.

SAM: Stop there, and I'll attack the first. I can always after I kill him--

LIAM: You got two targets if you want. Go for it. Roll for attack.

SAM: I'll attack the imposing guy--

LIAM: This one with a spear.

SAM: 20 to hit.

LIAM: That hits.

SAM: I've got my frozen damage activated. Whoa. 16 points of damage, some of that is cold damage.

LAURA: Do the undead-- wait. Are they... do undead take cold damage, are they--

SAM: I don't know.

LIAM: They do. The halberd, you smash into his giant spear, knocks the spear out of its bony hand and then the halberd keeps going. Smashes down into his shoulder, and ice fragments go (spurting) and fuse all the bones together. Hardens the thing's cape in ice, and it teeters over, falls to the ground and breaks into two pieces of frozen skeleton pop. So that one is gone.

SAM: All right. I can't move any closer to the other dudes.

LIAM: You could go five more feet, if you wanted to.

SAM: I mean, would that get me in with the other skeletor?

LIAM: This one? Yeah. Okay, this one goes (guttural hissing) and sticks his blade out at your ankle. He's stuck up to his bony navel, so it does not hit you. Strikes nothing. Strikes the ground.

SAM: Not so fast, little man. I will attack the other skeleton.

LIAM: Yes. Go for it.

SAM: I got you, bro! 22 to hit.

LIAM: That hits.

SAM: 11 points of damage.

LIAM: Okay. You take your halberd in your hand, overhand like this, you walk over to it and you go (impact) knock it right in the skull and the skull caves in and fills in like sno-cone. Ice fills the thing's skull. The head gets heavy and drags the whole body down and falls into the mud.

LAURA: I'm standing right there, got a real good view of it, and I start (slow clapping).

SAM: As a bonus action? I'd like to noogie my brother.

LIAM: I will allow it.


SAM: (grunting) Two for flinching!

TRAVIS: (sputtering) Get off me!

LIAM: Coming off of that embarrassing noogie, what do you do, Lawrence?

TRAVIS: I go over to the man in the ground and strike him verily.

SAM: Fisticuffs?

LIAM: I'm going to give you advantage on that.

TRAVIS: Shit! Better! 17!

LIAM: 17 hits.

TRAVIS: 13 with flame damage.

LIAM: I'm going to say for flair--

TRAVIS: Yeah, it's on fire!

SAM: Your fist is on fire?

TRAVIS: No, my shortsword. (tock)

LIAM: Just because it's fun, I'm going to say you come at this thing with your shortswords and go, "Eh," flip it around to the pommels and go (impact) and nail its skull from both sides and it brittle-- breaks into fragments and the arm goes (faint gurgling) and falls still.

TRAVIS: Thanks for the noogie. You might want to duck. I'll use the rest of my movement to take cover behind that pillar, echoing what Portia is doing as well.

LIAM: Okay. The stranger's turn.

SAM: (whispering) Wrong guy.

LIAM: Oh, yeah, well. You're twins. What do I want to do? The one that looks like a ragged hippie over here throws down the chain and starts to try to climb up on the wall, and they all lay into him again. (counting) They all stab him in the back very heavily. He takes it into the small of his back, in between his shoulder blades. He screams out in pain. He falls down on the ground, gets back up, and starts moving.

LAURA: He got stabbed in the back four fucking times and he still ran away?

TRAVIS: He tough.

LIAM: Then over there, this guy goes, "Ray! Help me out here, Ray!" He's not going to go down-- oh, yeah, he is. He rushes forward with the blade that he's holding and tries to shove it into the skeleton and actually runs into the adjacent skeleton's blade and gets stabbed in his own gut. He's freaking out and panicking. He starts to try to climb up, rethinking his decision. Okay. He screams out pitifully. You've gone from hatred to a brief moment of pity because he sounds like a wounded animal, stumbling over, climbs up.

SAM: Wow, this guy's tough.

LIAM: This one moves--

LAURA: Entanglement!

LIAM: Yeah. She makes a--

TJ: Half strength.

LIAM: Half strength, right. So it's a disadvantage. She is stuck.

SAM: Hey, you got it!

LIAM: But can still attack. Can't see the werewolf that she just saw running down the side, but she does see the Moonweaver's chosen. So she fires at him.

TRAVIS: Death!

LIAM: Your armor class is 16. She gets-- She misses. The crossbow strikes the wrought-iron fence and clatters to the ground, and she is stuck there.

TJ: The Moonweaver protects me.


SAM: So holier-than-thou.

TRAVIS: So entitled!

SAM: (like Lucius) Have you heard the good word?

TRAVIS: (singing) Hello, my name is--


LIAM: Sorry, Travis.

SAM: They're all leaving.

LAURA: Yeah, let them run.

TRAVIS: That's okay. They chasing that incense.

SAM: They belong in a museum.

TRAVIS: They chasing that Nag Champa. Whatever's in that shit. I mean, they've got to be drawn to it, right?

LAURA: Yeah. But-- so they're going after him? It's because they're our ancestors. They know who the enemy is.

TRAVIS: I don't know about that.

SAM: Who's the lady on top?

TRAVIS: We're going to find out, though.

SAM: Are we going to kill her?

TRAVIS: We're going to talk to her first. As long as they keep running, we're good.

LIAM: All right, that guy is pushed down to the ground and run through by three of them standing around and stabbing away.

TRAVIS: He dead.

LIAM: Over on this side we've got--

TRAVIS: He chose--

TRAVIS and TJ: Poorly.

LIAM: Yes. No. Shit, that guy missed. No. Okay, so.

SAM: You're rolling for all these guys. Liam, you're such a fair play.

LIAM: That guy's dead too.

LAURA: (triumphant laugh)

LIAM: He is ripped apart and you see one of them turning its sword upside down and sawing into the back of his neck.

TRAVIS: Are they on the other side of the fence, now?

LIAM: Some have climbed over that little wall there. That's right.

TRAVIS: We won't have long.

LIAM: That's it for them, now Aurra is up.

SAM: All right, Aurra.

ERICA: I go to launch myself onto the roof.

LIAM: Okay, make an athletics check.

SAM: She's a wolf.

LIAM: I know.

SAM: I don't know what that means.

ERICA: Athletics, athletics. Shit. 14?

SAM: Oh, wait, but it says wolf, add two.

ERICA: Is that wolf, or-- yes it is.

LIAM: You're already good. She succeeds.

ERICA: 16. Oh, we're good.

LIAM: Leaps, claws grab the lip of the roof, and you yank yourself up. You actually fly a good three feet higher than you need to and then land. Your clawed feet clutch into the ground, and you are now staring at your prey.

TJ: Fuck him up!

LIAM: You used your action to get up there, but you could still, as a bonus action, claw.

ERICA: Can I use a--

LIAM: The action was to hoist yourself up to the top of the roof, but you have a bonus action left which you could use to take a swipe if you want.

ERICA: But I couldn't-- can I use a spell-type thing if I have one?

LIAM: If it's a bonus action you can.

ERICA: If I have a bonus action.

SAM: You can heal her.

ERICA: There's this one, but it's not helpful. I go toward her to--

SAM: Claw her to death.

ERICA: No, to grab her. Violently. Yes, well, the body, throat. Head.

SAM: Rip off her head.

ERICA: Restraint. Full restraint. I do not rip off her head. We need to know more!

SAM: Restrain her head by ripping it off.

LIAM: I would say that that's too much, the best you could do is get right up on her business or slash her as a bonus action. Because these run in six second chunks, and you've taken most of that time to go (exertion noises).

LAURA: But she could stand up right next to her.

TJ: Can she grab her? Grapple?

LIAM: Not after hoisting herself up, I'm going to say.

ERICA: Can I slash at her to trip her?

LIAM: Well she's held by vines at the moment. You can at disadvantage.

SAM: Do it.

ERICA: At disadvantage.

LIAM: You can use your attack.

ERICA: Okay, that's a nine. That's an 18. Damn it.

LIAM: So take the nine. Is it nine total?

ERICA: Nine plus--

SAM: What is this, unarmed strike?

LIAM: Well, I want her to hit her armor class.

SAM: Wait, so what is she adding to this?

TRAVIS: Plus strength.

LIAM: It's an attack. It's the attack bonus next to her claw, which is like a weapon on her page. The center of the page.

SAM: Plus five.

ERICA: Oh, thank you. Okay, plus five.

LAURA: So 14.

LIAM: You slash your fur-lined claw through the vines, but it is thick, and you can't even get through it, she's so wrapped in. You manage to get your claw onto her ankle.

LAURA: Your own spell bested you.

LIAM: She's too firmly held in place by your own druidical power. Now, we're onto Lucius.

SAM: I love Lucy.

TJ: I see that she has it in hand. Is this woman attempting to attack again? Has she reloaded the crossbow already?

LIAM: Now she looks like she knows she's about to done get fucked up.

TJ: My sister has her. I will move in front of my siblings. I will get closer with an eye on this. I don't want this to turn back on us, and I'm prepared for that.

LAURA: Blood. Blood. Blood.

TJ: I will in the meantime say a prayer.

LAURA: --pouring out of my shoulder--

ERICA: Apparently she's bleeding.

TRAVIS: (sarcastically) You're what? You're bleeding?

ERICA: She's bleeding.

LIAM: (sarcastically) Yeah, it sucks, don't it?

LAURA: (laughter) I know, when the healer doesn't want to heal. (devious laughter)

SAM: What are you going to pray for over there, T?

LAURA: What are you praying for?

TJ: I don't like the rain so a clear sky is perfect. I will pray for a clear sky. Or healing! Clear sky.

(cheering and laughter, applause)

SAM: (childlike) Bless mama, and papa.

LIAM: If I could have one wish this Christmas season, it would be that all the little boys and girls of the world...

TJ: Moonweaver, please see that my family does not bleed to death this night. Healing Word?

LIAM: Healing Word.

SAM: Lucky you.

TJ: What is my--

LIAM: I think you just do it, don't you?

SAM: Yeah, it just happens.

TJ: I think it's d4 plus three or something?

LIAM: I got it here.

TJ: Spellcasting modifier, what is it, seven for me?

LIAM: It's 1d4 plus your spellcasting modifier. So 1d4 plus five?

TJ: Ten.

LAURA: Ten points?

LIAM: Wait, 1d4 plus --

TJ: No, sorry. Six...

LIAM: The best you can do is nine, I think. It's 1d4, and your --

TJ: Eight! Sorry. Eight.

LIAM: All righty.

LAURA: Lucius... thank you.

TJ: Thank the Moonweaver.

SAM: I was also hurt.

LIAM: We are back at the top.

TJ: That was for all of you, right? Healing Word?

SAM: No. Healing Word is just for one person.

LIAM: There's Mass Healing Word, then there's Healing Word.

TJ: Oh, right. Thank you.

LAURA: I know. Obviously. Guidance, guys. I'm going to--

SAM: Come on, Sha Sha.

LAURA: I'm going to walk up to the door of the crypt.

LIAM: Okay.

SAM: Such a middle child thing to do.

LIAM: Striding in, you get up and you see a brazier propped up and sitting behind a giant, round iron gate in the floor that is locked as well, that is pried open and bent and there's a crowbar sitting in the corner in here. Marble stairs lead down and you see the edges of the passage disappear. Which you're very familiar with, obviously.

LAURA: Right. Shit.

SAM: (laughter)

LAURA: Okay. I guess I'm going to run-- try to get over to the corner and get that green thingy.

LIAM: Over here?

LAURA: Yeah.

LIAM: You went (counting) 20, want to go this way?

LAURA: Sure, why not. I can do 40 feet.

SAM: Whoa, when did you get so fast?

LAURA: I have skills.

LIAM: There, you're that far. Anything else?

LAURA: I'm going to just stand there.

LIAM: Okay, good.

SAM: You have an action to dash.

LAURA: Oh, that's true. I'll go for another 40 feet. Thanks.

LIAM: That's true, okay.

TRAVIS: I'm sure you didn't do that intentionally.

LAURA: Brought dead people to life, if I wanted.

TRAVIS: You did?

SAM: Maybe?

LIAM: Is that where you want to be, or did you not want me to put you right behind one of the skellies?

LAURA: Yeah, just go there.

TRAVIS: You just ran into the middle of the battlefield where all the fucking skeletons are, away from everybody.

LIAM: Okay, Benicio, you're up.

LAURA: (laughter)

SAM: I'm looking at my sister running towards these skeletons and I'm very confused. What are we doing?

TRAVIS: I suppose it's one less share, really, for the inheritance. Best to let her go.

SAM: What? All right, I'm going with Portia, I don't know, seems like she knows what she's doing.

TRAVIS: (shouting) You're going too?!

SAM: I mean, the nerds can take care of the chick on the roof, right?

TJ: Is that-- Am I a nerd?

SAM: Yes.

LIAM: You can get to either side of her, on her left or on her right?

SAM: On her right.

LIAM: Okay, going to hold your ground? Got to hold an action before you move, right?

SAM: Was it?

LAURA: Yeah.

LIAM: Sure.

LAURA: I don't know, do you-- no!

LIAM: I don't care. You can hold an action if they come at you and take a swing.

SAM: No, I'll just wait.

LIAM: Okay, great.

SAM: Yeah, you're not allowed to move then hold an action, are you? I don't know how this works.

LAURA: I don't know.

LIAM: It's whatever I say it is.

LAURA: How come we don't know anything?

LIAM: I'll let you stand at the ready.

SAM: I will stand at the ready.

ERICA: It's me, not you.

LIAM: Don't @ me, bro. Okay, good. Now it is Lawrence's turn.

SAM: You know what? To make it easier on you, I'm going to use my action to, what is it, I can't do patient defense, right? I'm not a monk. Dodge, I'm doing a dodge.

LIAM: Right, okay, Lawrence.

TRAVIS: Fuck that noise. I'm going in the gate and up to the crypt door that is open and I can see down, right?

LIAM: Yeah.

TRAVIS: Yeah, I'm going down that shit.

LAURA: (gasp) You're walking into the crypt. Alone.

TRAVIS: Yes, I am.

LIAM: Just to remind you what you know. This is your entire family line down here. The torchlight only goes in another 30 or 40 feet before it disappears into darkness but you know that this passage goes a good 100, 150 feet straight and then it takes a right. It's basically a giant L down here and it goes another equal distance to the end and there are figures of your ancestors evenly spaced down the entire hallway. At the very, very end is the monument to Alfarr, and the monument to his daughter, Grenya, as well as the small monument that Katerine and your father built of their own choice for Genevieve.

TRAVIS: If I get to the bottom of the stairs before it turns right--

LIAM: Bottom of the stairs, 150 feet, right. It's shrouded in darkness.

TRAVIS: Gotcha.

LIAM: You can't even see the L-corner.

SAM: Wait, you're in?

LAURA: He. Went.

LIAM: He's just crept in behind Laura.

SAM: Why didn't you go in?

LAURA: I was waiting for everyone.

LIAM: (cooing noise)

TRAVIS: I don't know, she went to go do--

LIAM: What would you like to do down there?

ERICA: Does what she's doing, doesn't she?

TRAVIS: Can I see if I see anyone, smell anyone, hear anyone?

LIAM: Sure, make a perception check. Just a straight roll.

TRAVIS: 19, 17 plus two.

LIAM: You stand-- You can hear the clatter of blades above, and you hear (goofy voice) "Whoa, what, where are we going?" from up behind you.

TRAVIS: I don't get it.

LIAM: There's a lull, and you listen very carefully. No, nothing. Nothing that you can tell and--

TRAVIS: I turn my head, I'm sorry, go ahead.

LIAM: No, you finish.

TRAVIS: I turn my head and I'll be like (shouting) Kill the woman to find out what she knows and get down here!

LIAM: Okay. She's in a fucked-up position. She's going to attempt to break out of the Grasping Vine. And she does.

TJ: Half-strength?

LIAM: She has half-strength, so it's at disadvantage, thank you. No, she does not. She yanks against it (pants) and she's starting to hyperventilate, looking at the big beast of a woman in front of her. She's going to attempt to fire her cro-- no, she's not, she can't! Her action was trying to get out of the vines. She is beginning to urinate and staring at a large--

LAURA: That's her bonus action?

LIAM: That's her bonus action. Now.

TRAVIS: Almost undetectable in the mist.

SAM: Oh no, these guys are attacking?

TRAVIS: You fucking morons.


ERICA: Your own sister, what are you going to do?

TRAVIS: Hey look, all the enemies left the entrance where we clearly have to go next. Let's go follow them!

LIAM: 20, 25. It's hard getting over that little wall for them but they can do it.

LAURA: Oh wait, that's the dude you killed!


LIAM: 25, 30 and he can't get around. Over here, we're going to...

TRAVIS: Aurra, Lucius, listen to me. Think of it. Only three shares for the fortune. Let's leave them.

LAURA: (shouting) Oh my god!

SAM: What did you do, Portia!

TRAVIS: Fucking ridiculous! I can't believe it. You've been playing this for fucking years!

LIAM: 20, 25, 30...

SAM: Why would you do this?

TRAVIS: You went after her!

SAM: I can't leave her there alone!

TRAVIS: (shouting) Sure you can!

SAM: I love my family.

TRAVIS: No you don't, you don't even like her.

SAM: I like her better than you, you big dweeb.

LIAM: They start 28 Days-ing it Later like (zombie moans).

SAM: One of them who comes into my range.

LIAM: Yes, you can strike, so go for it.

SAM: I will attack, because I'm a polearm master, but I only rolled a ten.

LIAM: Does not do it.

SAM: (grunts)

LIAM: Exactly, you're a little bit overwhelmed by the clattering of a small horde coming at you and it actually has a shield so it (scrape-clunk) to the side. The one that you just hit swings back at you, definitely hits.

SAM: Even though I'm dodging?

LIAM: Yeah, oh. You chose to dodge, so you can't attack.

SAM: I don't know, that's a reaction. I don't know how this works.

LIAM: Well, doesn't matter.

SAM: My action was to dodge.

LIAM: When it hits.

SAM: My reaction was to polearm strike.

LAURA: Oh, right.

LIAM: How do you--

LAURA: He still gets a reaction.

LIAM: But that's when something walks away from him, no?

SAM: No, I have polearm master.

LIAM: I've never heard of that.

SAM: I get to attack when they enter my range.

LIAM: I believe you, because I've known you a long time and it does-- you took the dodge action, so it misses. That was a clatter of wills between shield skelly and you. The one next to him got a natural 20.

SAM: Great.

LIAM: That is a ten.

SAM: Points?

LIAM: Points of slashing damage, yep.

SAM: Oof, rough.

LIAM: Okay, Portia, let's see. Three of these things are in range, miss, miss.

LAURA: 16.

LIAM: That hits, the last one hits.

TRAVIS: Portia.

LIAM: You take three points of slashing damage. You feel your coat tear and just the tip of a blade poke through your scale armor. You feel a little cut on the small of your back.

LAURA: (grunt)

LIAM: Now we are on to Aurra.

ERICA: I cast-- no.

TRAVIS: Disembowel.

ERICA: She's out of the vines.

LIAM: She's in the vines.

ERICA: She's in the vines. Right, because she's still weakened, okay.

SAM: Fuck her up, fuck her up.

ERICA: I leap on her and I pin her.

LIAM: You want to hold her down?

ERICA: Can I hold her down?

LIAM: Okay, yeah, make a strength check at advantage. At advantage, so roll twice.

ERICA: Okay, 16.

LIAM: Yeah, that does it. She is pressed down and your claw is holding her shoulder into the vines on top of here and she's (panting) unable to talk. Just frozen like a deer.

ERICA: Can speaking be--

SAM: Sure.

ERICA: Who are you?

SAM: Oh!

LIAM: We'll get to that. Lucius.

TJ: I'm going to move-- May I move?

LIAM: Yeah, absolutely.

SAM: Yeah, he knows where the better siblings are.

LAURA: Do it. Do it!

SAM: Come on, pray or something, man. We're dying out here, bro.

TJ: I will start to pray.

SAM: Yeah, you got to pray.

TJ: My first prayer will be--

SAM: (singing) Pray!

TJ: --to Channel Divinity. You lost your right to this land when you died. You are no longer Loreleis. Leave this place. I Turn Undead.

LAURA and TRAVIS: Yeah, baby!

LIAM: (counting) 30. I'm going to say that they're all in range. We got (counting) nine.

LAURA: Somebody has faith in their siblings.

LIAM: What's the DC?

TJ: 15.

LIAM: 15. Ah, fail. Fail.

SAM: It was my plan to get them all to clump up together, so you could do this, right?

LIAM: Fail, fail, fail, fail. Success, success. These skeletons glow with a pale, whitish light. They raise their arms to the sky, reaching towards the moon, which is now clear, and then fall.

LAURA: Yes! (singing) Our brother is awesome!

LIAM: Into a clutter of death around you. Well played. Now we're on Portia.

LAURA: Ha! I'm going to attack the guy that's in front of me.

LIAM: Go for it.

LAURA: (babbling) 18.

LIAM: Yeah, hits.

LAURA: Ooh! Eight, sixteen, plus five, is 21 points of damage to the guy.

LIAM: Okay, you are charging on adrenaline and you take that sword that belonged to your father and ram it straight though the skull. It goes through the eye socket, out the back and you have to shake it hard.

LAURA: While I shake it hard, I swing at the next guy standing next to me.

LIAM: Excellent. With the skull still on the blade-- Go for it.

LAURA: Yeah! 16.

LIAM: Hits.

LAURA: Ooh, yeah that's good. Eight plus eight is 16, plus six is 22.

LIAM: Okay. The skull crashes down on the skull and it does not get obliterated by slashing damage, it's bludgeoning damage as skull hits skull, and it crunches it down into the top of the ribcage. It becomes condensed so the head is down here now, and the two-- the one falls to the ground and you tilt your blade and it goes (scratching) (thud) off the end.

LAURA: Then I step back next to Benicio and I say, It's your turn, Benny.

LIAM: (singing) Benny! Benny!

SAM: I will charge and attack and roll a 13!

LIAM: Hits, just.

SAM: Oh yeah. 13 points of damage.

LIAM: Okay. You send it right into the thing's-- because you're a cruel motherfucker-- right through the nonexistent groin of this thing and then give it a circle around and the centrifugal force shakes the poor bastard apart, and the ribcage falls to one side and the legs clatter to the ground, fall down into the hole that the thing climbed out of earlier--

SAM: I grab an arm and be like, Why're you hitting yourself?


LIAM: Love it.

SAM: All right. Oh no, where's Larry?

TRAVIS: I'm down here! It's very dark!

LIAM: You know, we have a terrified redhead pinned under a werewolf on the roof of the mausoleum and Larry is down in the dark. I think this is a good time to take our break. Before we do, it's time for our giveaway break! Important to know that we've made some changes moving forward, you'll need to enter the weekly keyword into the Critical Role Twitch chat. If you are watching on the Geek & Sundry Twitch channel or on Alpha, you'll need to hop over to and enter the keyword. Right now the offer is only good for residents of the United States and Canada excluding Quebec, for the official rules, sorry Quebec. Follow the link to the chat, tonight's prize is this myrtlewood dice tower system featuring Kor'Treum cartography by Deven Rue.

LAURA: Whoa!

LIAM: It's got that pretty leather strap, look at that gorgeousness!

ERICA: That's gorgeous.

TJ: Can you say that site again?


LIAM: Wyrmwood! Myrtlewood dice tower system. I'm about to give you the keyword but remember only enter it once in chat. Entering it more than once will disqualify you. After I say the keyword the contest is officially started. The keyword for tonight is "howl."

LAURA: Yeah, that's a good one.

TRAVIS: H-O-U-L. Howl. H-O-W-L.

LIAM: Good luck y'all. Please keep an eye on your whispers as we will be reaching out to the winner for eligibility during the break. We'll see you soon. (howling)


Part II[]

LIAM: Welcome back! Welcome to Werewolfville!

SAM: We didn't say anything.

LIAM: Here we are. Titty sprinkles, how about that?

SAM: That's great.

ERICA: That's a good one.

LIAM: So we have a winner for our contest!

TRAVIS: Horse nipples.

LIAM: It is horse nipples! No, it's Oldar_! That is an underscore, not the word "underscore." Congratulations on your wood!

SAM: You've won an amazing piece of... stuff.

LIAM: It's freaking gorgeous. There it is one more time, and it's Wyrmwood. You know what? I really just want to dive back in, because there's so much to do.

SAM: Where'd the map go? We're done with that?

LIAM: It's gone. I don't know.

TRAVIS: We know where everything was.

SAM: Okay. We can start exploring without Laura.

LIAM: Lawrence-- She'll come out when she's ready. Lawrence is down below, Portia is counting her lucky stars. I'll say, Aurra, you currently are a big, black-and-gray furred beast leaning down on top of this bedraggled ginger thug on top of the mausoleum. She's petrified, and there's just a moment of silence between the two of you as you huff in her face, and you can hear the wind now, moaning low against the walls of the castle in the distance, and through the trees behind you.

ERICA: I said, Who are you?

LIAM: Which comes out in a deep, bassy rumble. Make an intimidation roll.

SAM: Nice!

ERICA: 17.

SAM: Yeah!

LIAM: "(stammering) I'm from Deastok. We were hired-- We've been living here for weeks. Working for the elf. Listen, we just do what he tells us!"

ERICA: Where is this elf?

LIAM: "He's waiting for you. He told us to soften you up."

ERICA: To soften us up? For what, exactly?

LIAM: "I don't know. We don't know!"

ERICA: (yelling) Tell us where to go!

TRAVIS: Ooh, shit!

LIAM: You feel a little bit of warm liquid run against your knee, your furred knee, in the vines on top of the building. "Down! Down. (crying) That's all I know, I swear to all the gods, I don't know anything!"

TJ: Does she know where our father is? If he's alive?

ERICA: Do you know of a man named Haldur?

LIAM: "Yeah, we watched as he hacked his arm off. He's got him down below."

TRAVIS: (quietly) He's alive.

ERICA: He's got him down below.

LIAM: "Please. I'll go right now, I'll run into the woods."

ERICA: I throw her off the roof.

SAM: Oh!

LIAM: She arcs over your head, Lucius, and you watch her strike the wrought iron fence behind you. She lands with a sickening splut as two of the metal poles go through her gut. She is now hanging backwards on the fence, but she's not dead. She's now just gasping.

TJ: I will say a prayer for you.

LIAM: She's holding the iron coming out of her belly.

SAM: That sounds like a threat.

TJ: This prayer is called "Toll the Dead."

TRAVIS: Oh shit! No mercy.

TJ: May I do it?

LIAM: Absolutely. May you please do. Wisdom save or take damage. Your DC is 15, right?

TJ: Yes.

LIAM: She just makes it, so it's 1d8.

TJ: She's damaged. It's d12, yes?

LIAM: If it's missing any hit points, the damage is 1d12. She wasn't, otherwise it's 1d8. The damage increases by one die when you reach 5th, so that is 2d8.

TJ: Wait, she's not damaged by the spikes?

LIAM: Oh, of course she is. You're right, thank you, it's 2d12, because of his level.

TJ: 13 points of damage.

LIAM: (laughs) She starts gibbering, going (groaning) and you watch as blood starts pouring out of her nose and her ears and she's like a goldfish gasping for breath, going (gasping).

TJ: This too shall pass. I turn around and I walk.

LIAM: It's not passing yet, though. She is there going (gurgling and gasping).

TRAVIS: Oh, man.

SAM: What religion is this, dude? That's crazy!

TJ: She chopped our father's hand off.

SAM: Yeah, but wow, that was ice cold.

LIAM: "Please!" (gurgling)

SAM: All right, I guess I'll go jab her with the glaive. Twist a little. One more twist. Okay.

LIAM: She's still.

SAM: She's alive?!

LIAM: She is still.

SAM: Oh.


TRAVIS: "Do you need a pro to--?" "She's still."

LIAM: Now you all stand around the absolute wreck of this woman, listening to the wind moan on the hill of Castle Lorelei, flame flickering in the censer inside the mausoleum.

SAM: Let's go get Dad.

TJ: What did you learn?

ERICA: What was that, brother?

TJ: What did you learn?

ERICA: She said he was down below.

LAURA: Did she say who took him?

SAM: The elf.

LAURA: It was an elf! Told you, fucking pointy ears, man.

ERICA: I didn't see any pointy ears.

TRAVIS: Are you all done?

SAM: Oh, are you still down there?

TRAVIS: It's very cold and dark!

ERICA: Do you see anything, brother?

TRAVIS: No! I am hesitant to proceed without you!

ERICA: We are coming.

SAM: All right, let's go. Do we need to do anything first? Anyone need to heal?

ERICA: Or transform.

SAM: Oh yeah, yours must be wearing off soon. How's that work?

TRAVIS: Ten minutes?

ERICA: Three hours.

LIAM: It doesn't work the same for all of you, because Aurra has spent so much time free of the shackles of polite society. She has lived in her second skin for long periods of time.

ERICA: Okay, you two.

LIAM: You could do a short rest here, if you want to, or rush to your father's aid, if you wanted to.

SAM: We've got to rush to our father's aid, right? Are you okay?

LAURA: I mean, I'm at halfsies.

TJ: Rest. You should rest, and I will pray.

LAURA: Dad might be bleeding out right now.

SAM: Yeah, he's got no hand. Free rest is a half hour.

TJ: The dead that we have already seen has been days in the making. I do not think that anything new is transpiring if he wants us there.

LIAM: Just as a reminder, I think I said this, when you were looking at things in the study-- or did you look?

TRAVIS: I did.

LIAM: Who saw that blood on the floor? You did? It wasn't fresh.

LAURA: Yeah, we should take a short rest.

TRAVIS: In the time while they're resting, underneath the crypts.

LIAM: Yes, Lawrence.

TRAVIS: I slowly back out. I walk up the stairs. What the fuck are you doing?!

SAM: Oh, we decided to take like a break.

TRAVIS: You couldn't let me know?

SAM: We didn't want to alert the bad guys of our plans. How were you down there? Was it scary?

TRAVIS: It was fine. No, I saw nothing. I'm not even sure we're in the right place.

LAURA: I can't believe you guys didn't bury grandmother down here. Great aunt. Whatever. Katerine.

ERICA: I thought she was deserving of a proper, natural burial.

LAURA: Our entire family is down here.

TJ: Not anymore.

ERICA: Does that make it right?

SAM: When I die, I want to be buried down here with the others. Not in the freaking woods, haphazardly, on a rainy night. I want there to be a big funeral where everyone comes and says things, and--

TJ: Half of our family is now running through those woods. Dead.

SAM: Oh yeah.

LIAM: I can see this conversation. You guys are all sitting against the walls inside the mausoleum, with the light of the single censer flickering in the dark, the wind blowing, and you guys gently bickering like old times.

TJ: Those censers, they need to be dealt with. I bury them in the mud so they don't do whatever it is they do.

LIAM: Sure. You can easily grab one of your great-great-great-great-aunt's shield and scoop mud over them. They're dark, too. They're done releasing whatever they were releasing.

SAM: While we have this moment, Luci. It's been nagging me. You know, being a holy man, are you allowed to, like-- you know. You know.

TJ: What?

SAM: Come on, you allowed to be with a lady or anything? Or do you have to be all chaste?

TJ: Do you not remember the stories our aunt told us? The Moonweaver is the goddess of secret trysts in dark places.

LAURA: He gets a lot of action.

TJ: A lot.

SAM: Wait.


SAM: Really?

LIAM: Yes, that happened!

SAM: What? Oh man, I should have paid more attention!

LIAM: No take-backs, TJ!

SAM: Most of those times that she was giving us those talks, I painted on an eye and I napped out, but whoa! I should have paid more attention. Wow.

TJ: I continue to talk about that for a moment, and then I go back into the other things that Aunt Katerine told us as well as our father. I take this opportunity to remind them what it is that we're doing here and why we're here. I use Inspiring Leader. I choose my allies, all of them, and they get ten temporary hit points on top of their total.

SAM: We're taking a short rest. I'm going to use my hit die to restore to my total.

LIAM: Aurra, you weren't damaged. You're fine.

TJ: You have plus ten now.

TRAVIS: That is great.

LIAM: Are you back to full? Just checking.

SAM: I'm back to full. Wait, now we have extra hit points?

TJ: Plus ten.

SAM: Wow, crazy. That will come in handy.

ERICA: Am I to write an extra ten? I was lost on that. Is that a thing? Oh, I do get an extra ten.

LIAM: The clouds have completely blown over, and it is a clear night. It is not a full moon, but it is just shy of one, and you feel it.

TRAVIS: Perhaps it's time for us to continue below. Yes?

TJ: Say a short prayer to the Moonweaver, and I'll pray for her and give her Guidance.

LAURA: For what?

TJ: I don't know. You'll have it for about a minute. Once we start moving. For checks.

ERICA: Can we speak to the goddess of the wilderness as well? What?

SAM: What are you going to say? What do you need?

ERICA: Her aid.

SAM: Oh, yeah.

TJ: Couldn't hurt.

LIAM: Are we progressing?

LAURA: Let's move forward.

LIAM: Okay. Who wants to lead the way?

SAM: I'll lead the way.

TRAVIS: I'll join my twin.

SAM: Before we go down there, I'm going to cast the Rite of the Flame on my glaive, because the short rest has lost that.

LIAM: That's right. (Professor Frink voice) On my glaive!

SAM: (Professor Frink voice) To glaive!

LIAM: Lawrence was the only one who saw this before. Once you descend these marble stairs down to the crypt, it's dark. You're still getting the light of the fire above you, but that trickles to nothing in about 30 or 40 feet.

TJ: I will pray for Light on anything that you want, if you have a shield or a weapon that you would like.

TRAVIS: Yeah. I'll pull out both shortswords and say--

LIAM: It glows in the dark, and the twins lead the way down this hall. You've been here many times. You've seen these likenesses of people long since past, some in this century, but the deeper you go, the longer back it goes. You reach that bend and turn to the right, and as soon as you turn, something is off. Because you have been here at night, even, sneaking out of the back entrance of the keep, stealing your father's key on a lark. It is always pitch black down here, but right now, at the far end, where you know there is a dead end, is light flickering in where the wall is. It's hard to tell. You're a good 150 feet away from it right now.

ERICA: Do you see that light?

SAM: Yeah.

TRAVIS: If this elf is worth anything, he's laid some traps before us. I certainly would.

SAM: You want to go first and check for them? Or do you want me to do my thing?

TRAVIS: By all means.

LAURA: How far away is it?

TRAVIS: 150 feet.

ERICA: May I cast Faerie Fire?

LIAM: Right here, where you are?

ERICA: Into the darkness.

LIAM: Into the dark? You can, absolutely, with the intention to what, light up the hall?

ERICA: Light up whatever objects are in our path.

LIAM: Currently, you can see from the light of his blades that the hall is clear, and light gets dimmer and dimmer and dimmer, but you see some flickering at the wall far in the distance. Nothing's blocking your way.

ERICA: Okay, got it. I'm going to hold that, then.

TJ: I will take out a copper piece and pray for Light on it, and throw it as far as I can comfortably.

LIAM: Interesting. Okay, you throw it about 40 feet and it strikes the stone and you hear it go (tinging). You watch as that little light slides down the hall. It makes it about halfway there. It's strange. You know at the end of this hallway is where, again, Alfarr, the first of the wolves, and his daughter, Grenya, the first to be born a wolf, that's where their bodies rest in shrines to each of them. Monuments, I should say. Your father and Aunt Kat, before your time, created a small altar at the end of this hall for Genevieve. It's the family-- not secret, but shame. The family was ashamed of Genevieve and her leanings and her choices in life and her ferocity. They worried that she would let the secret out. That generation above Katerine, they were very rigid, and they sealed her away. Again, these crypts were built within an already existing cave system that was utilized and built out. Your father told you a couple of times. It pained both Hal and Kat, but Genevieve was laid to rest within a cave and sealed inside, never to be seen or to be spoken of. Where that altar to your grandmother has always been there is clutter on the ground, and there is a hole.

ERICA: So she was entombed alive?

LIAM: No, she was killed. Outside of the castle grounds.

LAURA: We don't know who did it.

ERICA: By perhaps her husband, or no?

LIAM: You've heard a couple of theories. Kat was always very reluctant to speak of it. It made her very sad, the subject.

SAM: But there's a hole in front of her crypt? Tomb?

LIAM: It wasn't even a crypt. It was just a small statue in her likeness and a small step that Hal would leave flowers on. There's rubble there right now.

TRAVIS: Enough of this. I walk forward.

SAM: Lawrence!

LIAM: You stride down the hallway, your siblings watching as you go.

LAURA: I follow.

SAM: I'm following as fast as I can.

ERICA: What's your intention?

LAURA: We're going into the tunnels.

LIAM: It becomes easier to see, the statue of Genevieve is in three separate pieces on the ground, and as you come up by the light of the coin behind you and your own sword overtaking it, you see two large, black, iron hammers lying on the ground here. You see what you remember as being a very smooth wall of stone ruptured with rubble lying around, and it's not wide, but a crack leading through. This is something you have never seen before.

TRAVIS: So a dead end no longer.

LIAM: Correct.

TRAVIS: Whoa. I figured as much. Our road does not end here. Blood on the floor? Any signs of struggle?

LIAM: Make an investigation check.

TRAVIS: That's 18.

LIAM: You take that blade and spend five minutes, carefully checking that hole as you go, but looking along the ground. You don't see any blood. You don't see signs of anything other than the destruction of the stone in front of you, and the desecration of your family's most hallowed ground.

LAURA: Aurra?

ERICA: Yes, sister?

LAURA: Can you smell him?

LIAM: Make a perception check with advantage.

LAURA: Wait, roll again!

ERICA: Oh, roll it again! At advantage, thank you.

SAM: That's good!

ERICA: 16?

LAURA: But the other one was higher, so it was 12 plus--

ERICA: Was it 12? Thank you. Plus seven. 19?

LIAM: You sniff through your canine snout. You don't smell anything, but your ear, finely tuned, listens and listens, and you do hear (shallow breathing).

SAM: From where?

LAURA: Do you smell him?

ERICA: Breathing. I hear breathing. I do not smell him!

LIAM: Deep ahead.

SAM: That way?

ERICA: That way.

SAM: I'm going. (running noises)

LIAM: Going in?

SAM: Yeah.

LIAM: Sneaking in or storming in?

SAM: No, just storming.

LAURA: Yeah, going off to find Daddy.

SAM: I have very tiny feet.

LIAM: Okay. I think we should decide an order, so we have--

SAM: Twins in front.

LIAM: Twinsies in front.


SAM: Yin and yang.

LIAM: Okay, so the blood hunters leading the way.

TRAVIS: Brilliant and idiot.

LIAM: Who's taking the rear?

ERICA: I'll take the rear.

LIAM: And are we one wolf and four humans?

SAM: For now.

LIAM: For now? Good.

SAM: Are you going to wolf out?

TRAVIS: Not yet.

LAURA: I don't know. Is it close? If we can hear them breathing, they're close. I just don't want to waste it.

ERICA: You folks have always been afraid of your darkness.

LIAM: The way beyond--

LAURA: I go. I'm going to go wolf.

LIAM: You're going wolf? Okay, so your arms, your shoulders, your biceps swell. You start to reach the size of the twins and pass it just a little bit. Why don't you tell us how you look in your wolven form?

LAURA: Okay. I resemble the way my hair is, so I'm all black fur on top, and my underside is all stark white. Kind of like a reverse skunk! Yeah!

LIAM: Still holding that blade in your hands; stalking forward.

LAURA: Yeah. And I'm clutching his ring around my neck. It has a long chain, so it's not strangling me or anything.

LIAM: Got it, got it. Okay, so two wolves. Three men.

TJ: Who has that elven blade?

TRAVIS: Oh, I do.

TJ: Is it in your hand?

TRAVIS: I just have it like, in my belt. Would you like to see it?

TJ: Can I see it?

TRAVIS: Yes, of course.

TJ: I can read Elven; what does this say?

LIAM: The dagger that was found inside?

SAM: Message, or something? What was it?

LIAM: Silent message.

LAURA: Kind of like a whisper.

TJ: Is this an elven blade?

LIAM: Yeah, it's got elven language carved on it-- Well, it has elven language carved on it.

TJ: Silent message. Does that mean anything to me?

LIAM: Make a history check?

TJ: I pray.


SAM: (singing) Pray, pray.

TJ: 18.

LIAM: 18? You've heard a fair amount, not as much as your brother. You've read about--

TJ: I'll discuss this with him because he's smarter than I am.

TRAVIS: Oh, thank you.

LIAM: Okay, then roll again at advantage.

LAURA: He only thinks he's smarter than you.

TRAVIS: Yes, because I read.

TJ: No, it's not as good.

LIAM: Not as good. You've read similar names in histories that touch on the nation of Xhorhas.

TJ: Our enemy nation?


LIAM: That is correct. The country to the east.

TJ: I mention this to everyone. It doesn't strike any chords, though, beyond that.


TJ: I'll hand the thing back to you. Where did we find this blade?

SAM: It was in Aurra's room. It was in a bag. It was no big deal.

ERICA: In this pouch, with a familiar smell.

SAM: Guys, you're making too much of it. There's just some bad guys out there, we're going to kill them, then we're going to have the party that I was promised.

ERICA: Too much of it?

SAM: What? Huh?

ERICA: Katerine was murdered, our father has lost a hand, and has been taken.

TJ: The elves are an ancient people, and they know magic well. If this is true, then they perhaps know that this dagger is coming to them. They know when, and they know where. Perhaps.

SAM: You want to get rid of it?

TJ: I don't know. We might need it.


LIAM: So we're pausing at this crack in the wall, I assume--

LAURA: No, we're going in; and we're barging in!

SAM: Oh gosh, she's freaking out.

LAURA: (growling)

LIAM: It's not that far. What starts-- I lost my place here. It starts out as structured excavation. You can tell that this was dug out at some point, what lays beyond this Cask of Amontillado-type wall. But it quickly gives way to natural formations, opening into a substantial chamber ahead. It's a cave, and there are two torches at the far end of it, flickering. The cave bisects though, not that far in front of you, and it seems to split. As it opens up, there is a passage on your right. But your eyes are more drawn, very obviously, very clearly, to the far end, where those torches burn. A tumble of stone leads up to a slightly higher ledge; and you see a figure standing there, staring at you all as you enter.

LAURA: Do we recognize him? Her? Them?

LIAM: Make an insight check.

TJ: Can we do this as well?

LIAM: You can. You both can.

LAURA: 13.

TJ: 14.

LIAM: Okay. As you draw a little bit closer, he is familiar. He is familiar. He's slender, youthful-looking. Dark, almost blue-hued skin. Of course: sharp ears, sharp expression. The sides of his head are shorn, and there is a shock of white hair, tied back. He is staring at you, and you, right now. He's wearing dark, oiled scale mail with a single, chitinous pauldron on one shoulder. In his hand, there is a cruel-looking flail. Its jagged edges are currently trailing down and wrapping around the neck of your father, who is lying at his feet, breathing slowly.

SAM and TRAVIS: (escalating growling)

LIAM: He is about 100 feet away from you--

LAURA: 100 feet away from us?

LIAM: He is just deadpan staring at you all.

SAM: I think I'm going to wolf out.

TRAVIS: (growling) Me too!

TRAVIS and SAM: (howling)

LIAM: Okay.

TJ: Can I pray while we're seeing this?

LIAM: Yes, but, for the moment-- Big Man-- what's your name, Chet? Tell me--

SAM: Benicio.

LIAM: What do you look like in werewolf form?

SAM: My arms, from prior burning, don't really have a lot of fur on them. They're mostly--

LIAM: Scar tissue?

SAM: Scar tissue and skin.

LAURA: So it looks like little human arms?

LIAM: They're bigger. They definitely get stronger and ropier.

LAURA: No, they definitely look like human arms.

SAM: Then, the rest of me is-- You know black and white cookies? So mostly white on this half, mostly black on this half.

LAURA: That's cool!

LIAM: Got it. Nice. Okay.

SAM: Real matted and nasty.

LIAM: So that's Benicio. Lawrence?

TRAVIS: Yeah, as I start to Hulk out, I grab the peppered sides of my hair and I pull, and split my face. And the wolf maw comes out of it. My head is jet black with white racing stripes coming back from my eyes--

SAM: Whoa!

TRAVIS: But the black only extends to my mid-sternum, where the rest of my body is peppered salty gray, black and white, and dappled spots.

LAURA: That's cool.

LIAM: Keg is aroused.

SAM: I instinctively just sniff him all over the place.

TRAVIS: Not the nuts, not the nuts! (deep, wolf voice) Not the nuts!

LIAM: The twins go brotastic and you wanted to do--

LAURA: Do we start--

LIAM: One second. Lucius, you wanted to say a prayer, you said?

TJ: Faerie Fire. Then I want to outline him--

LIAM: What's the range?

SAM: 90 feet?

TJ: 60.

LIAM: He's a little too far away, where you guys are right now.

TJ: Good enough. I'll wait.

LIAM: Okay.

LAURA: Can we start running towards him?

LIAM: You want to charge?

LAURA: I want to fucking charge him.

LIAM: Fucking charge him, then.

SAM: Wolf charge!

LAURA: Yeah! Who's charging? Is anyone charging with me?


SAM: (howling)

LIAM: Okay. Fuck! Roll for initiative, everybody. Bring it on out, Max, are you there? Holy cow!

TJ: Instead of the prayer, since I couldn't do it, can I throw the coin-- The light coin to the right? I just don't want that dark area.

LIAM: Yes, you can.

SAM: Ting, ting, ting!

TJ: Whoa!

LIAM: Okay. This is heavy.

TRAVIS: Oh, shit!

SAM: This is a giant map!

ERICA: Oh, I love it!

LIAM: Earthquake. Okay, that goes there, that goes there, that goes there.

SAM: Where are we? Oh, we went through the hole?


SAM: What?

LIAM: Okay, here is-- Where are we all? I'd say then at this point then, you're here.

TRAVIS: Who's that?

LIAM: Oh, the twins were in front. So it's black and red.

SAM: We still have weapons and stuff, right?


LIAM: You are still in your human form, though, yes?

TJ: Yes.

LIAM: Okay. Am I missing a wolf? Oh, here we are.

LAURA: I think you can do three attacks with your claws, and two attacks with your--

LIAM: Okay. One second, everybody.

SAM: What are you going to do?

LAURA: I've got a thing.

SAM: You've got a thing?

ERICA: She's got a thing.

LAURA: How far away from him are we now?

LIAM: I'm going to say at this moment in time, in lead (counting by fives), I'll put him at 50 feet. Did you all roll for initiative?

LAURA: Yeah.


LIAM: Let me roll for him. He is at-- where's my stuff? Sorry, I did not think we were going to launch into this quite this fast. But that's fine. That's great. No, not at all. Okay so, who got 20 to 25?

LAURA: 23.

LIAM: 23. Portia in the lead again.

SAM: 20 for me.

LIAM: 20 for you? Benicio second place again. Lawrence?

TRAVIS: The exact same order so far.

LIAM: Okay, that's right! After Lawrence, what are your two rolls?

TRAVIS: I rolled a 19.

LIAM: Yeah?

ERICA: 13.

LIAM: 13?

TJ: One.


TJ: I'm the worst ever!

SAM: Well, you're not a wolf!

LIAM: Luci. So I'm going to leave a big gap right here.

SAM: It's the same exact order as last time!

LAURA: That's crazy!

LIAM: And you threw a coin and it landed about here, I'll say.

SAM: Ting, ting, ting!

LIAM: All right. Portia, you are up. Just to remind you what you're looking at, you're looking at a dark elf with a flail that is wrapped around your father's neck.

SAM: Oh god! He could kill Dad.

LAURA: Oh god! I'm going to-- Oh, god.

LIAM: Where'd the music go, Mercer?

LAURA: I can only hold an action, I can't hold a whole move.

LIAM: You can only hold an action.

LAURA: But can I let someone go before me, before I go?

SAM: You can't pass.

LIAM: No, you can't pass. You would lose until the next time around.

LAURA: Okay, which one am I?

SAM: You're the wolf.

LIAM: I color-coded you guys, okay? So Benicio is black, Lawrence is red, Portia is blue, Lucius is yellow, and Aurra is green.

LAURA: Okay. How far away is Benny from the baddie?

LIAM: About 50 feet.

LAURA: Okay. I'm going to run forward, to Benicio.

LIAM: Okay. Ten, 15, okay.

LAURA: I'm going to bonus action Shared Passage.

SAM: What's that?

LAURA: That's the one where I can teleport 40 feet.

TJ and SAM: What?!

LAURA: I'm going to teleport 40 feet, and then I'm going to run the last little bit up and attack him.

LIAM: Okay, okay.

LAURA: And I'm going to bring Benny with me.

SAM: Wait, you can do that?

LAURA: I bring somebody with me my size.

LIAM: Oh man, this is why I said I didn't want this. So: five, ten-- By the way, I told you guys this before, but I'll tell the audience. I have no idea how to balance combat, so I don't really know what's going to happen. (counting by fives)

LAURA: So we'll bamf to the end of the steps.

LIAM: I'm going to say, yeah.

LAURA: I'll run up the rest and attack him.

LIAM: All right. What are you going to do?

TRAVIS: Freak nasty!

LAURA: Oh man! I'm going to hit him twice, with the sword.

LIAM: Go for it! Go for it.

LAURA: I'm going to try to. Okay! 15 plus nine.

TRAVIS: Are you Crimson Rite-ing that sword?

LAURA: No, because I already bonus actioned to teleport.

LIAM: 15 plus nine you said? Definitely hits.

LAURA: Okay. And then--

LIAM: Why does the music keep turning off, Mercer?

LAURA: 13 points on the first hit.

LIAM: Holy schnikes.

LAURA: Oh, natural one for the second.

LIAM: Okay, I'm going to say on that second-- Hold on a second.

TRAVIS: We're winning here, right? I'm happy.

LIAM: The two wolves just disappear while running and one of them just continues to Naruto run up the hill, comes forward with Vargr and stabs straight into the drow. He is bewildered that this happens, that you are on him so quickly. (choking gasp) You pull out to strike again, but your foot slides on some of the stones. It's just a pile of loose rubble up to this ledge. And you go tumbling backwards, and fall prone and take--

LAURA: Oh! Natural one really fucked me there!

LIAM: You take three points of bludgeoning damage as you strike your shoulder hard into the stony ground. Benicio, it is your turn.

SAM: I will run up the stairs. First of all, I'll be like: How the fuck did I get here? Then I'll run up the stairs, with fury in my--

TRAVIS: Bones!

SAM: Eyes. And I'm going to grab Dad and pull him.

LIAM: You're going to pull him?

SAM: I'm going to pull Dad. I'm going to grab Dad and try to pull him away.

LIAM: Okay, make a strength check.

LAURA: Oh no! But if the guy can hit him it'll give him an attack of advantage or whatever!

SAM: Strength check? Do I get more strength?

TRAVIS: You get advantage on your strength checks.

LIAM: Straight strength. Yeah. As a werewolf, that is correct.

LAURA: We lost our music again.

LIAM: I guess this is the one that doesn't-- Just doesn't work out.

SAM: Does strength go up?

TRAVIS: No, just plus one to your melee damage.

SAM: Okay. 15.

LIAM: That's fine. You yank your father away from the man, and the barbed edges of the flail tear into his throat. He ragdolls away, and you hear a brief (choking). He collapses onto the stone in front of you and is bleeding onto your feet.

ERICA: Lovely.

LAURA: What did you do?!

SAM: Do I have him, or is he still wrapped up?

LIAM: Yeah, it was laced-- You have him and the flail is free. It wasn't tied in a knot. It was methodically wrapped around, and you have just unraveled it like a ripcord.

ERICA: Father! Benicio, stop!

SAM: No one look at me! I'm going to keep dragging him down the stairs.

ERICA: Serious?

SAM: Well, I got him free!

LAURA: In my prone self, I see-- Dad. It's terrible.

LIAM: He is going to take a swipe at you with the flail as you back up.

TRAVIS: This is what happens when you take Benicio instead of Lawrence, all right? You took the jughead.

LAURA: He had my back in the cemetery.

LIAM: What's your-- oh, I know what it is. It is 17. Yeah, you feel those same jagged edges on the flail rake across your own hairy chest. You take five points of piercing damage and 15 points of poison damage from that.

SAM: Wait, the piercing damage is halved because I'm a werewolf. So it's only two points or three points?

LIAM: We'll say two.

SAM: Okay. Plus 15 points.

LIAM: And you are poisoned. Well, actually, make a constitution save.

SAM: Constitution save, 19.

LIAM: Okay. You feel burning inside the veins, inside your body. Your chest starts to burn, and you roar. Benicio roars in this cave, and you withstand the poison.

SAM: (ululating)

LIAM: By trololo-ing. You wanted to back up a bit, right? I'd say you get back down to the bottom of the hill. He looks flummoxed, let's say. The dark elf. Anything else? You're out of juice, right? Lawrence, you're up.

TRAVIS: Does our speed increase as werewolves? No, it doesn't, does it? My fucking siblings disappear, and I'm like: Ruh-roh! Watching all that happen in two six-second, back-to-back periods, and not being able to close the distance in 30 feet, I will run into that cove.

LIAM: Okay. (counting) This one right here?

TRAVIS: Yeah. With my bonus action, I will cast Crimson Rite on my claws.

LIAM: Awesome. Great. So you take 1d6 damage outright? Or not 1d6, just six.

TRAVIS: Six total, yeah.

LIAM: What are you imbuing them with?

TRAVIS: Lightning damage.

LIAM: Lightning? Saucy. Okay.

SAM: Always the weakling coward, Lawrence. Hiding in a cove.

TRAVIS: Shut up!

SAM: I went in and killed Dad, like a real brave guy!

TRAVIS: Your sister helped you! You didn't know what happened. You just showed up there. I saw it in your face! (deep voice) I saw it in your face.

LIAM: Next up is this stranger. You've got Dad down here and he shouts out, "Kill them!" He backs up and crouches a bit behind this broken stone box. He mutters something quietly behind, and a dark, glowing bluish-purple, jagged spear appears above his head and starts to angle towards you all.

LAURA: What is that?

TRAVIS: Not good.

SAM: No, I think it's fine. Is this part of the party?

LIAM: I got to look something up, but next up is Aurra. Aurra, be thinking what you want to do really quick. I'll be right with you.

SAM: Our father is dying. Or dead, so if there's any way to, you know, not make him--

LIAM: I'm going to slightly adjust the description of that. That jagged spear appears floating right in front of you, Benicio, and on its own goes (whoosh) and shudders toward you.

LAURA: It's a Spiritual Weapon.

LIAM: You crouch down and cower-- not cower, but protect your father's body, and the spear strikes the stone behind you, then retracts up into the air and quivers in the air above you. Now, Aurra, you are up.

ERICA: So the sphere is still aimed at my brother?

LIAM: Spear, yeah.

ERICA: Spear, thank you. I would like to use Haste to get to him.

LIAM: So you're going to cast Haste on yourself?

ERICA: I'm going to cast Haste on myself, yes.

LIAM: Okay. All right, you do that. No, you don't need to roll at all. The hair all over your body starts to prickle and stand on end, and you feel your tendons twist and tighten, and you are now the fastest wolf on earth. So, where're we going?

ERICA: I'm going to Benicio. Yep.

LIAM: 50. Here, or where? Because you got some more left. You got maybe two more squares, ten more feet.

ERICA: I want to be right up on him. Am I on him? Where's my father in this scenario?

LIAM: He's on the other side of Benicio.

TRAVIS: Could you get between him and el spear?

LIAM: I'm going to say no, you can't. I'm going to say that they're in a pile. We've got brother, sister, father, all in a little heap here. Because you're on your back, Dad's not good, and you're standing but crouching over him.

ERICA: The spear has missed him.

SAM: Save Dad.

LIAM: Don't forget, your AC is now higher because of that, so you're harder to hit. And you have an extra action. Which you could use to move, if you wanted to go further. Erica, if you want to go further.

ERICA: I want to go to my father.

LIAM: So maybe get in front of him?

ERICA: Yes, in front of him.

LIAM: So here? Definitely. If you use your hasted action, which you now have, to stand in his way.

SAM: She's got one additional action to use?

LIAM: That's it. She used her double movement to get where she was-- Oh, you've got so much to do. You used your doubled movement to get that far, you just used your action or your hasted action to get even further. You have an action left.

LAURA: But her action originally was to cast Haste.

LIAM: You're right.

ERICA: So no, I don't.

LIAM: Movement, action, double-movement--

LAURA: Action, action, action, action, bonus action, action.

LIAM: Hey, Vax. You are done. You are, in fact, done. Unless you had something else?

SAM: Bonus action?

ERICA: Ooh, I do have Healing Word!

LIAM: Is that a bonus action?

ERICA: It is a bonus action.

LIAM: Yeah, then you can do that.

LAURA: Isn't it a spell, though? You can't do two spells in one turn.

SAM: Matt usually lets us do Healing Word.

ERICA: It's a level one. I don't know, does that make a difference?

LIAM: Yeah, it was level one or below.

SAM: If you cast a higher level spell for your action, you can use a level one spell.

LIAM: I'm going to use a rule called "fuck it." I'm going to use the "fuck it" rule. Healing Word.

ERICA: Fuck it? Healing Word, then, on my father.

LIAM: If ever there was a moment, it is now.

ERICA: I'm Healing Wording my father.

LIAM: The wording on the spell is it's 1d4, I think?

ERICA: It's 1d4, yeah, plus my spellcasting ability modifier.

LIAM: Which is wisdom, so roll the pyramid plus-- no, not that one, the pyramid. One.

ERICA: One plus four. All right.

LIAM: Okay, the holes that were raked across your father's neck close, and the bleeding stops, and he goes (gasping), "Stop!" That is the end of your turn.

LIAM: Lucius, it is your turn.

TJ: I'm going to press myself against that wall, just in case whoever he said "kill them" to comes flying around the corner. I don't want them to see me. I reach out and throw Silence on the area where he is.

LIAM: Oh, nice. Okay, so this whole back chamber, done and done.

TRAVIS: Nice call. Shit.

LIAM: That's the end of your turn?

TJ: Then perceive the area, because I want to know what's coming for us.

LIAM: All of you, from off on your right, suddenly hear thick metal being dragged along stone. Didn't focus on it before, but from out of a deep recess in the wall, dark with shadow, steps a ghastly, maybe ten-foot-tall figure of darkened bone, brown, almost black. Tattered, decaying robes in a faded ghost of the traditional Lorelei green drapes around its scraping, lumbering hips. A massive, canine skull stares at you, its eye sockets seeping black, inky horror. A jawbone of ragged teeth widened beyond comprehension, black mist or smoke spilling out in place of a tongue, long since rotted away.

TRAVIS: I'm so excited right now! I feel aroused!

LIAM: Siblings, meet your grandmother.

TRAVIS: Ah, Grandma! What fucking gnarly teeth you have!

SAM: So Liam. If we can't hear, did we see that happen?

LIAM: Silence is here. She is going to use her action to get closer.

LAURA: Oh no!

TJ: I flatten myself against the wall!

SAM: Oma?

LIAM: Her head stretches down at the two of you. But for now, it is your turn, Portia.

SAM: Kill Grandma!

TRAVIS: I just wrote, "Grandma" in the initiative order.

LAURA: Oh god. Okay.

SAM: Oh yeah, where is she?

LAURA: Well, from the ground, I'm going to-- oh god!

LIAM: She slipped into Jester.

SAM: Wrong character.

LAURA: (as Jester) Technically, I'm really nervous right now. (as Laura) Okay. Because I'm on the ground, I guess I'm going to Crimson Rite myself?

LIAM: Your clawsies? They're a weapon, absolutely.

LAURA: But are they as good as my sword, though? How much damage do they do?

LIAM: Well, I will say this. Technically, in your werewolf form, at your level, you can, as an action, attack-attack with claws and with a bonus action, attack. So you got three claws. Whereas if you use your sword, it's just sword swipe, sword swipe, done.

LAURA: But my sword does more damage.

TRAVIS: What damage die does your sword do? Eight?

LAURA: 1d10, it says. Why does this say 1d10 plus four under it?

SAM: With claws, you're going to get 3d6 plus five. No, 3d6 plus 15.

LIAM: Three chances to hit. Beefed up with Crimson Rite.

TRAVIS: Besides, you're a fucking werewolf! Let her have it!

LIAM: Do what feels right. Get feral, Laura!

LAURA: Okay! I'm going to attack her with my claws. I'm going to Rite of Passage on my claws!

LIAM: Which is the bonus action?

LAURA: Bonus action!

LIAM: So this time you get two claw swipes, because you used the bonus action to do it. So you take six points of damage. What are you imbuing your claws with?

LAURA: Storm damage as well! Light-en-ing damage. Then I'm going to stand up.

LIAM: Okay. You use half your movement to stand.

LAURA: As I stand, I'm going to--

LIAM: Roll. Slash her. Protect your father. Protect your family line.

LAURA: 14 plus seven?

LIAM: Hits.

LIAM: Why don't you roll both of your attacks first, to see if they hit.

LAURA: Okay. 12 plus seven. 19.

LIAM: 19? Just hits.

LAURA: Okay. So then it's what plus-- what do I roll? A d6? Plus a d6?

LIAM: My gosh, I don't have it in front of me. Oh, because you don't have your shit. You don't have your character sheet in front of you, right?

LAURA: No, I do!

LIAM: Oh, you got it?

LAURA: Yeah. It's just an unarmed strike?

LIAM: It's an unarmed strike, but it's 1d6 as a werewolf claw.

SAM: You had told us in an email that she gets 1d6 plus five and we get 1d6 plus four.

LIAM: Because of her strength modifier, right. 1d6 plus five, plus your strength modifier, plus your lightning damage.

LAURA: Okay, cool. Ooh, ten plus five. So 15 on the first attack.

SAM: But some of that she must have resistance to.

TRAVIS: We're going to find out.

LAURA: Then 11 on the second one.

LIAM: Okay.

SAM: Math is the worst part.

LAURA: Mathis. What's mathis?

SAM: Maths. Johnny Maths.

LIAM: We're on you, Benicio. Oh, no, I'm sorry, she's going to use one of--

LAURA: Wait, but I stand up. Can I--? I'm standing.

LIAM: Yeah. And?

LAURA: Can I stand up?

LIAM: Oh, sure, stand your mini up, yes.

LAURA: Okay.

LIAM: Yes. Shoot. Okay. She's going to use one of her legendary actions to slash the shit out of Portia.

LAURA: Oh no.

LIAM: And does hit. You take--

LAURA: What does she roll? I have 17 AC.

LIAM: She got a 19.

LAURA: Damn it.

LIAM: You take 13 points of slashing damage from Genevieve Lorelei.

LAURA: Genevieve is one of my favorite names, too! What?

SAM: You're a werewolf.

LAURA: Oh, so I have resistance!

SAM: Slashing, piercing and bludgeoning is reduced by half.

LAURA: Okay.

TJ: Oh, that's nice.

LAURA: You said 13?

LIAM: I've added her to the playing field.

TRAVIS: Yeah, her claws aren't considered magical.

SAM: Iron Woe? What does that even mean?

TRAVIS: No, it's not Woe-- it's Iron Hoe.


ERICA: Which makes all the sense.

LIAM: We're done there. Now we're onto Benicio.

SAM: Benicio!

LIAM: Yeah.

SAM: I attack Grandma.

LIAM: Go for it.

SAM: Yeah, with glaive action. Ooh, that's no good. That's only 15 to hit.

LIAM: She strikes it out of the way.

LAURA: Oh no.

SAM: Meemaw?

LIAM: There is a seeping, bleeding black cloud pouring out of her eyes and mouth as she stares down at you. So used to staring down at others and she is so much bigger than you.

SAM: Attack again! 21.

LIAM: Hits!

SAM: Yeah! Okay, that is 13 points of damage. I don't know how much of that she actually takes. Five points of those are fire damage and eight of them are slashing.

LIAM: Got it.

SAM: Then with my bonus action, since I am a polearm master, I will hit her with the back of the weapon as well.

LIAM: It's a bonus?

SAM: It's a bonus attack.

LIAM: Fun, fun, fun.

SAM: Which is only 16 to hit. Fail.

LIAM: Yeah, she claws it out of the air and goes to roar in your face and you hear (growling). Not a full roar, but unsettling nonetheless. Anything else? Movement?

SAM: No, I'll stay put; guard Dad.

LIAM: Lawrence?

TRAVIS: Yeah, I'll run into the fray. 30 feet.

LIAM: (counting) You want to come up behind her?

TRAVIS: Yeah. Flank her. Flank, please, yes. I'll take all three claw attacks.

LIAM: All at advantage.

TRAVIS: All at advantage?

LIAM: Yeah.

TRAVIS: Natural 20 for the first one.

LIAM and LAURA: Ooh!

TRAVIS: Second one is a 24.

LIAM: Hits.

TRAVIS: And that one is also a 24.

LIAM: Oh my goodness.

TRAVIS: Really amazing rolls.

LAURA: Damn, I really should have grabbed Lawrence.

TRAVIS: Yeah. I'll do the non-crits first. Seven and four is 11 points on the first one, including the lightning damage. Five and four is nine.

LAURA: Did you crit yourself on the first one?

TRAVIS: No, I'm doing that one now. That's (counting)

SAM: Claw attacks are with advantage?

LIAM: No, he's flanking.

SAM: Oh, okay.

TRAVIS: 17 points with lightning damage on the crit.

LIAM: Ooh! Okay, Lawrence comes running up, arms behind him, and leaps on the back of his grandmother and tears. The bone does not feel like bone, it feels like petrified wood. It feels like on the verge of stone, but you drag your claws down and pull. It's like sparks coming out from under your claws as you-- her bones are hardened and heavy and not what you expected.

TRAVIS: Almost like iron?

LIAM: Whoa!


LIAM: Okay. It is the dark elf's turn. One sec, I got to look something up; I got to do it.

SAM: No, you don't.

LIAM: Yes, I do. I'm doing all the things.

LAURA: Just make it up.

LIAM: No, I can't make this one up. Can't do it.

LAURA: So, check out that store (mumbling).

SAM: Is that what it is?

SAM: Guys, at the end of the night tonight, you've got to get some swag. It's a must.

TRAVIS: We have extra toilet paper to hand out.

LAURA: Do you have any more Twizzlers? Can I have one of those?

TRAVIS: They're not Twizzlers. They're probably Costco, third-party brand red--

ERICA: You are hoarding all of the reds. All of the reds are being hoarded.

LIAM: The thin and ropey dark elf runs out of this upper chamber, leaps down and drops down by Aurra on the ground and he gets as low as he can in a squat. You hear (chanting). You don't see him anymore.

TRAVIS: Oh shit. He got out of the Silence?

LAURA: Oh, that's what you were looking up.

LIAM: Yes.

SAM: You can't cast without-- If it was a verbal spell--

LIAM: Okay.

SAM: Oh boy, we're in it now, guys.

LIAM: The Iron Woe is going to whip around--

SAM: (baby voice) The Iron Woe.

LIAM: Turning towards the grandchild that just hurt her so badly. She's going to rake her claw against you, Lawrence. For 22. You take 12 points of slashing damage and then she--

TRAVIS: Halved because her claws aren't magical? Or are they silvered or magical?

LIAM: They're magical.

TRAVIS: Okay, 12 points, got it.

LIAM: Then she-- that giant, gaping, hanging, walling mouth lunges down and-- your AC is what again?


LIAM: Snaps just shy of your face. You yank back at the last second, almost lose your footing, almost do that, "Whoa, whoa, whoa!" thing, but stay up.

SAM: Are you going to barf?

ERICA: Breathe deeply!

LIAM: She snorts through her nose-- or the holes in the skull-- and a big poof of (smoke rushing) in your face. It clings to you for a second and then dissipates.

TRAVIS: (coughing and wheezing).

LAURA: What was that?

LIAM: Now it is Aurra's turn.

SAM: Come on, Aurra.

LIAM: Oh, I'm going to retroactively do something, too. The spear is still floating in the air and it flies in an arc over and goes in a circle and strikes into Portia.


ERICA: For the love of god.

LIAM: That is a 22.

LAURA: That hits me.

LIAM: Okay, and that is-- I really got to write this down--

SAM: Boy, Portia. You might die.

LAURA: I might.

SAM: You might straight up die.

LIAM: That is six points of damage.

LAURA: But that's-- oh, that is magical.

LIAM: Necrotic damage, yeah.

TRAVIS: At the start of our turn--

LAURA: That fucking necrotic damage.

TRAVIS: Those of us in wolf form, we got to do that wisdom check.

SAM: Oh, we all took damage.

LIAM: Yeah, who all took damage?

SAM: I think I took damage.

LIAM: You took damage.

TRAVIS: At the start of your turn, if you've taken damage, yeah.

LIAM: Yeah, you three have to roll and see if you can keep control of yourselves.

LAURA: Oh, shit.

SAM: That's right.

LAURA: How do we know what's going to--

LIAM: We'll get to that. Aurra, it is your turn at bat.

SAM: You have to know how much damage you took, too.

TRAVIS: Uh-huh.

LIAM: DC of ten or half the damage you took.

ERICA: Where am I relative to Portia right now? I'm up there, right? And where is she?

LIAM: Portia is here.

ERICA: Is there. Okay.

LAURA: Six? Did I take six points from that spear?

LIAM: Also, Aurra, I should say this, too. The dark elf landed right next to you and then almost instantaneously went (fwoosh) and vanished next to you. But you felt a bump or a brush against your shoulder-- you felt momentum running past you-- and you can tell that he's running past you right now. You get what's called an attack of opportunity. It's at disadvantage because he's fucking invisible, but roll to see if you can swipe at him.

SAM: By attack, it's a physical attack. Like, you hit. Not with a spell.

ERICA: To see if I can somehow hit him despite the fact that he is fleeing rapidly.

LIAM: Well, you just felt (thumping). So, if you are quick enough, you roll twice--

LAURA: Ooh, that's good, okay.

LIAM: --and take the lower.

ERICA: The lower at disadvantage. Okay, darn it. That's a four.

LAURA: Plus...

ERICA: Plus-- wait, what am I doing? What is the thing?

LAURA: Plus five.

SAM: It's nine.

LIAM: You feel a hint of fabric on the edges of your claw... and then nothing. Okay, now it's your full-on turn, so forget that.

ERICA: How badly are you injured again? Are you near death? What is going on?

LAURA: No, no, no. Do--

TRAVIS: (harsh, deep whisper) I catch it on my face. I have shit on my face.

ERICA: You're not-- Do the thing? Do the other things? I'm going to do the other things.

TRAVIS: In, on, and around my face.

ERICA: This isn't your moment. I'm not giving it to you. No, not coming over there. I'm not doing it. I'm going to transform into a direwolf.

LAURA and TRAVIS: (exclaiming)

TRAVIS: Super Saiyan 2!

SAM: You're already a wolf wolf, you can't be a double wolf. Oh my god!

TRAVIS: (chants the Terminator 2 theme)

ERICA: I got three wolves!

SAM: There's another wolf? There's one more wolf past this?

LIAM: Aurra keels forward and lands on all fours and her hands plant and you watch as those hands expand and grow and her back lengthens and broadens and turns into this gigantic ridge. A pony to horse sized wolf is standing there. (growling)

TRAVIS: Fuck yes!

LAURA: That's a big wolf.

TJ: I did not know she could do that.

ERICA: She can.

LIAM: That was your bonus action.

LAURA: Bonus action? So you can still attack like that?

LIAM: You can still attack.

LAURA: Kill her!

ERICA: But is it two separate actions for me to run at the Iron Woe--?

LIAM: You have movement and an action.

ERICA: Okay, so I want to run at the Iron Woe-- Can I physically connect with the Iron Woe? Could I attempt to knock the Iron Woe over?

LIAM: You can totally get around--

ERICA: I want to attempt to leap on and pin the Iron Woe.

LIAM: Sure.

ERICA: That's what I want to do as my direwolf. It's fine.

LIAM: Yeah, make a strength check.


LIAM: At disadvantage as--

ERICA: Ahh, 15.

LAURA: Disadvantage?

LIAM: Yeah. No opposable thumbs.

ERICA: Eight. And strength.

LAURA: But big!

LIAM: Sure.

ERICA: Don't tell me. Don't do the things. Where am I? I'm looking at my things and not getting it-- okay. Ten.

LIAM: Ten. You do run up and your claws drag down the bones of her back, but she is able to pivot and take the momentum of you and shove you off of her.

SAM: Just kill her, Aurra!

LIAM: You don't have a lot of flexibility and mobility-- you're not a ninja in this shape. You are a powerhouse. We'll say that's the end of your turn.

SAM: No, it's not. She's Hasted.

LIAM: Oh, she's Hasted!

TRAVIS: Oh, shit! Direwolf Hasted!

LAURA: Ahh! Bite her!

LIAM: It lasts for a minute, so ten rounds. You have another action.

ERICA: Ten rounds?

LIAM: So you can bite.

LAURA: Bite her!

LIAM: You can no longer cast spells though, not in this shape.

ERICA: Yeah, can I-- I'm going to bite her neck.

LIAM: Okay, go for it. Roll an attack. That's plus five to whatever you roll.


LIAM: Because it's direwolf

ERICA: God, okay, that's nine.

LIAM: You leap and try to snap at her face and she is so tall. She rears back a bit and you (biting noise) and fall down (growling) and hold your ground.

LAURA: I like that we're surrounding her though.

LIAM: Yes, yes.

SAM: (mimicking Liam) Yes, yes.

TJ: I would like to back up because she is terrifying, and so is she.

TRAVIS: Yeah, yeah, lot of shit going on in that area.

TJ: I am sorry, grandmother, but this may hurt.

SAM: (imitating Lucius) Let us pray.

ERICA: This is great.

TJ: Moonbeam.

LIAM: Okay, Moonbeam is a tricky thing. It's my son's favorite spell and there's a lot of debate on how-- but you have been doing this for 30 years. When I first started navigating Moonbeam, I thought that when you cast it, the damage happened immediately. But I've seen a lot of debate about this and what, generally, people say is that it's when the Moonbeam moves onto you, or at the start of your turn, but not when you throw it on somebody else. Meaning you would dump the moonbeam on Grandma, and then as soon as her turn started that's when the damage would take effect.

TJ: I don't know why that would matter one way or another. For simplicity in book-keeping?

LIAM: Let's just do it now.

TJ: It's just easier.

LIAM: Because her turn is so far away. Let's just nuke her.

TJ: Okay.

LIAM: She has to make a save. It is--

TJ: Versus 15, save con.

LIAM: Constitution.

TJ: She doesn't look too healthy.

LIAM: She makes it.

TJ: Of course she does.

LIAM: Rolled a 19. She takes half. The damage is?

TJ: 2d10.

LIAM: Okay. I got papers everywhere.

TJ: 14 points of damage. Full.

LIAM: Okay.

TJ: So half of that. I don't know if this matters. There's extra information. First off, she's hit by the Mark of Waning because this is radiant damage. So her speed is halved and she has disadvantage on strength ability checks.

LIAM: Cool.

TJ: Also, a shapechanger makes a saving throw with disadvantage. Is she a shapechanger?

LIAM: I would say she's not anymore.

TJ: Okay.

LAURA: Because she's stuck in that form.

LIAM: That's it, yeah.

SAM: (whispering) TJ's notes are color coded!

TRAVIS: The fucking doctor is in over here. This is some amazing shit.

LAURA: He's schooling us.

LIAM: All right. Is that the end of your turn?

TJ: It is. I moved, yes, and I pressed myself against the wall.

LIAM: The Iron Woe is going to use a different Legendary Action.

LAURA: (groans)

LIAM: She curls her shoulders forward and that black inky substance, whatever it was, starts to expand out from around her and envelop you all. I need all of you to make a Wisdom save.

LAURA: Oh no. Where's your Wisdom at? Where's your Wisdom at, sister?

ERICA: Which one was a save?

SAM: These are saving throws up here.

ERICA: I see.

SAM: Oh, you have got a really good Wisdom.

ERICA: Yeah, I've got good Wisdom.


LIAM: So--

TRAVIS: I'm over there.

LIAM: Yeah, all of you. Four.

SAM: Natural 20.

LIAM: Natural 20! Okay.

ERICA: 12.

LAURA: 15.

LIAM: All right. Lawrence, Aurra, you feel sick to your stomach. You feel anger and pain and sorrow radiating off the expired body of your grandmother. You feel loss. You feel confusion. You have to get out of here. You have to get away from her. Now. You two are frightened.

TJ: Can I use my reaction to give them a second. It's a moon thing.

LIAM: What's the reaction?

TJ: Luminous Clarity. I can shine a light into the darkest moments, shielding it from alien influence. When a creature within 30 feet that I can see makes a wisdom saving throw, you can use your reaction to grant them advantage on the roll.

LIAM: You can.


SAM: Just one? Is it one creature?

LIAM: It's one creature.

TJ: One right now, yeah. But I can do it again if you don't run too far.

TRAVIS: Which one? Which creature?

LIAM: It's in reaction-- You get one reaction a round and this is the reaction, so you pick one person.

TJ: Who's reacting? Who do I see who needs it?

LIAM: Aurra and Lawrence.

TJ: Aurra.


LIAM: So roll again.

ERICA: What am I rolling for?

LIAM: Just roll that d20.

SAM: You get another chance.

LAURA: Ooh, yes! You did it!

SAM: It's a way better one. Plus wisdom save--

ERICA: Okay.

TJ: Just don't run too far.

TRAVIS: I'm just running like a bitch.

ERICA: 24.

LIAM: All right. That terror does overwhelm you, and the second before you turn to scrabble away, you hear a young feminine voice in your ear say: "Stand." The fear abates, and you breathe, a giant beast of a wolf, and snarl at your grandmother. Not so for Lawrence. Also-- never mind. Portia, I need you to make a check to see if you control yourself right now.

LAURA: Okay.

LIAM: You need to roll-- Since we can't remember, neither you nor I--

SAM: It's ten.

LIAM: It's ten or half, you're right. So ten.

LAURA: I roll a d20 and get higher than a ten.

LIAM: Ten, yeah.

LAURA: Oh god. Oh no. Ten!

TRAVIS: That's it! Or higher?

LIAM: Hold on-- you have to hit ten.

LAURA: Phew!

LIAM: It's a wisdom save, so if you have any wisdom bonus that'll get you over the hump, too.

LAURA: Oh, well, yeah.

LIAM: So you're fine. You're in control. You feel, from the pain you took, your blood is boiling, and you want to fuck something up but you realize what it is you have to fuck up. What do you want to do?

LAURA: Fuck up that Iron Woe.

LIAM: Oh, the Iron Woe. It's your turn.

LAURA: Oh! Well then, I'm going to do that.

LIAM: Go for it.

TRAVIS: Come on, come on!

LAURA: I've got to see what my other bonus action could be. Fuck it, I'm just going to do it.

TRAVIS: Attack her.

LAURA: (growls) I'm going to attack her!

TRAVIS: You could also do any of your curses?

LAURA: I know, but-- I've looked and one is a reaction. I just need to remember it. 11 on the first-- oh wait, I should probably roll to see if it hits. I'm dumb. Natural 20! (cheering)

LAURA: Do I roll my dice again or use what I just rolled? Six plus doubled, that's 12 plus five is 17 on the first hit.

SAM: Oof.

LAURA: 18 natural-- wait, natural 16 on the second one, so that hits again. Ten plus five, 15 on the second hit. Third swipe--

LIAM: A 17, 15--

LAURA: Then 13 plus six, 19, that hits again.

LIAM: Yep.

SAM: These are all with your claws?

LAURA: That's eight. These are my claws!


SAM: How do you do 40 points of damage with-- Jeez.

TRAVIS: Crit on that first one.

LAURA: Oh no, I didn't do-- that last one was to see if it hits, this last one is only eight points of damage.

SAM: Oh, okay.

TRAVIS: 40 points total.

LAURA: Crazy.

LIAM: Is it 40 points total? I lost track of that. It was 17, 15--

LAURA: And eight.

SAM: How do you get 15 from 1d6 plus five?

LAURA: It's 1d6 plus the Rite of--

LIAM: Plus strength, plus the Rite. Yeah.

SAM: Oh shit! That's beastly.

LAURA: Wait, plus strength?

LIAM: The plus five to your attack. You're good.

LAURA: Okay.

TRAVIS: That's your modifier.

LIAM: Okay. Do you want to move anywhere?

LAURA: She'll get a swipe at me, but-- Yeah, okay, I'm going to back up. No. Fuck it. I'm going to stand there. Fuck it.

LIAM: Okay.

SAM: Fuck it!


LIAM: Benicio, you're up.

SAM: I will roll. I rolled an 11 to maintain my calm demeanor.

LIAM: Okay.

SAM: Now I will attack. Glaive out. Natural 20!


SAM: That's-- hold on. What do I double?

LIAM: Just the dice. Not the modifier.

LAURA: But all the dice.

LIAM: Yeah, all the dice.

SAM: Whoa, okay. That's a nine, so that's 18 plus three is 21.

LAURA: Plus ten.

SAM: Plus ten?

LAURA: You double that too.

SAM: I double this too?

LIAM: Any die you roll, you double.

SAM: Whoa. Okay. 31 points of damage for the first attack. A lot of that is slashing and stuff though. I don't know if that affects anything. Attack number two! Oh god. Nope, 18.

LIAM: Does not hit.

TRAVIS: Is your slashing magical?

SAM: No?

TRAVIS: Is it your glaive or your claws?

SAM: Oh, well, it's imbued with the Rite of the Flame. I don't know.

TRAVIS: Yeah, so it's a magic weapon.

TJ: Who is she facing?

TRAVIS: Me. You fucking dick.

TJ: Does the position give them any advantage to hit?

LAURA: Oh, that's right, we're all flanking her.

LIAM: Only one person is flanking, and that is Benicio.

SAM: So what does that mean?

LIAM: Advantage on your hits, but you hit already. So anything you miss, roll a second time.

SAM: I just missed. I will roll a second time. That is a 25 to hit.

LIAM: That hits. The beast is going feral.

SAM: Nine points of damage. And a bonus action to attack with the back of the glaive. That's an 18.

TRAVIS: Advantage!

SAM: Oh! That's less.


LIAM: All right. Lawrence, it is on you.

TRAVIS: Well, I'm a scared little bitch right now, and I have to roll a wisdom saving throw to see if I even hold--

LIAM: Right.

TRAVIS: I took 12 points of damage, so I have to roll-- no, ten.

LIAM: Ten. With whatever wisdom modifier you have.

TRAVIS: 17. I'm okay.

LIAM: You're good. Okay. You can go no closer.

TRAVIS: What's that?

LIAM: You can go no closer than you are.

TRAVIS: Oh, but I don't have to turn tail and run the fuck away?

LIAM: A frightened creature has disadvantage on ability checks and attack rolls while the source of its fear is within line of sight. The creature can't willingly move closer to the source of its fear. You can technically--

TRAVIS: Am I still in melee?

LIAM: Yeah.

TRAVIS: Awesome. I'll take all three attacks at disadvantage at her.

LAURA: But you have advantage because you're flanking. So it's balanced.

LIAM: Straight roll.

TRAVIS: Okay. 13 plus six is 19?

LIAM: Hits.


SAM: Whoa.

TRAVIS: Second one, ten plus six-- 16.

LIAM: Harrowed, frenzied wolf, desperate to live.

TRAVIS: Eight and six, that's 14, so only one of those hits. That is-- four plus four is eight. One. Nine points of lighting damage.

LIAM: Her chest crackles for a moment and then goes still. Okay.

LAURA: You get to roll to see if you stay frightened at the top of a turn, or does it keep frightened?

LIAM: Yes, if a target's saving throw-- The frightened target can repeat the saving throw at the end of each of its turns. So make a roll.


LIAM: It's wisdom.


LIAM: Do not make it.

TJ: Question, do I have a reaction yet? Is this a new round?

LIAM: Yes, it is.

TJ: May I give him that opportunity?

LIAM: Yes, you may, as Liam rubbed his eye.

TRAVIS: Advantage? Great. Even worse.

LIAM: Her harrowing presence is simply too great.

LAURA: She's very scary.

LIAM: It is the dark elf's turn.

SAM: Wait, Dad said to stop.

TRAVIS: Nobody heard that except you.

ERICA: This was before the Iron Woe came.

SAM: That's true.

ERICA: That was when you were choking him to death.

SAM: I didn't choke him to death. I ripped out his throat.

ERICA: Perfect.

SAM: But to save him!

ERICA: Same same.

SAM: Sometimes we have to set free those we love.

LIAM: Your AC is what, Benicio?

SAM: 17.

LIAM: Okay. You take five points of piercing damage as a spear floating in the air shoves into your back.

SAM: (growls) It's like when I joined the fraternity.


LIAM: That is the end of your turn and now it is the Iron Woe's turn.

LAURA: Ahh, the Iron Woe.

ERICA: Here she comes.

LIAM: She turns this way, is feeling very penned in, and goes to town on Portia.

LAURA: Why Portia?

ERICA: Because always Portia.

TRAVIS: Does she leave my range? Do I get an attack?

LIAM: No, she just turned. That's a 20 with her claw.

LAURA: Yeah, that hits me.

LIAM: You take 14 points of slashing damage--

LAURA: Is she magical?

LIAM: --from Genevieve. Yes, she is.

SAM: We have established that she is magical.

LIAM: And then she goes to bite you.

LAURA: Oh no.

LIAM: She leans down, the jaws open-- oh, and you take a half step back, and feel those jaws go (crunching sound) right there, right in front of your nose. She misses and rears back, and her head tilts back, and she goes (gurgling roar sound), and all of you feel a longing and a heartbreak that you can't really understand. I have schmutz in my eyes and my eyes won't stop tearing. Aurra, it is your turn.

SAM: Come on, reindeer. Run over Grandma! Get her!

ERICA: She is imperiled right now? The Iron Woe is imperiled right now?

LIAM: She's surrounded.

ERICA: She's surrounded.

SAM: Get her!

LAURA: Is she flanking her?

LIAM: No. You're hasted and you have two dire wolf bites, if you want.

ERICA: Oh, to inflict-- I want to cast Guidance.

LIAM: You can't as a dire wolf.

ERICA: Shit. Balls. Great. So I can't do anything other than attack as a dire wolf?

LIAM: You can bite her. You've got a little extra padding of druid hit points because you're in this dire wolf shape, that's the positive.

ERICA: Could I transform at this point?

LIAM: You could, yeah. You could go back to werewolf form, you could go to your--

ERICA: I'm going to go back to werewolf form.

LIAM: Okay. That's your bonus action, so you have action and hasted action.

SAM: So now you can cast a spell.

ERICA: Okay. Guidance.

LIAM: The dire wolf shrinks up into-- okay, so you use Guidance to cast on yourself.

ERICA: Yep. Perception.

LIAM: Sure. What are you trying to perceive?

ERICA: I mean, we felt her pain, we felt her torture, and I want to know what that means.

LIAM: Make a straight perception check with your Guidance.

LAURA: Plus a d4, so this one.

ERICA: Oh, okay, thank you. That's a seven plus nine perception.

LAURA: 16.

ERICA: 16, thank you, I have to use my fingers, I'm admitting to it now. 16, great.

LIAM: The pain that you feel echoing-- all of you feel echoing in your minds-- is wild. Not intelligent. It's a wounded animal. It's too hard to make out, it's beyond your ken. You still have a hasted action. Oh wait, Guidance was its own spell.

ERICA: Right. But am I in the midst of Haste still?

LIAM: No, but I'm going to give you one more action.

ERICA: I'm right next to her, so I don't really need to-- Can I claw her then?

LIAM: Yeah. You can bite as a werewolf.

ERICA: I can bite.

LIAM: No, you're a werewolf now.

ERICA: I'm a werewolf now.

LIAM: So you can claw. Yeah, you've got one claw.

ERICA: I got one. Or bite? Can I bite?

SAM and LIAM: It's just claw.

ERICA: Damn it.

LIAM: So many wolf forms.

TRAVIS: (singing) You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and there you have the form of wolf!

ERICA: I can claw her one time?

LIAM: Yes.

LAURA: Do it!

SAM: Fuck her up!

LAURA: Claw her!

LIAM: You just tried to learn the secret of her essence. Now you're going to take a swipe.

ERICA: I claw her from the top of her neck down her torso.

LIAM: Roll that d20.

SAM: Come on, roll big, roll good. Roll nice. Terrible.

ERICA: It's a--

TRAVIS: Yes! Welcome to the table!

LIAM: That loss has traveled over to you, and every sibling in this room feels lost. All of you know that something is very wrong here and just on the edge of your comprehension, but you haven't grasped it yet. Now it is Lucius' turn.

SAM: Lucius.

TRAVIS: How are we going to find that bastard?

TJ: I will say a prayer.

ERICA: Really?

TJ: Moonweaver. Strike down our enemies. Show us your sacred weapon. Spiritual Weapon.

LIAM: Excellent.

TJ: It is-- shall I make a melee attack?

LIAM: Yes, you may.

TJ: It is a silver scimitar that very much represents the crescent moon.

ERICA: Yes, that is the moon.

LAURA: You chose your weapon correctly.

TJ: 18.

LIAM: It's against her? It does not hit, it just misses.

TJ: I continue with the Moonbeam raining down on her. Does she save again?

LIAM: Oh right.

TRAVIS: Yeah, she's supposed to get--

LIAM: Yeah, Moonbeam is tricky. She does not make the save.


TJ: Ten points of damage.

LIAM: Okay.

TJ: And she has the Mark of Waning on her.

LIAM: And remind me.

TJ: Creature's speed is halved, and has disadvantage on strength ability checks.

LIAM: Okay, got it.

TRAVIS: She hasn't really gone anywhere, she's just kicking ass.

LIAM: Top of the round, she's going to use one of her legendary actions--

SAM: Yes?

LIAM: To move without provoking any opportunity, a jet almost like a squid releasing ink-- You guys are enveloped in a cloud of sorrow. You hear the bones scraping against each other. She glides away faster than you would have imagined, but doesn't go far. And she comes right back to here.

LAURA: Do we get--

LIAM: No attack of opportunity on that legendary action.

TRAVIS: That's sorrow's bitch is legend.

ERICA: It's fine. Just annoyed.

LIAM: It's Portia's turn.

SAM: Come on, girl!

ERICA: Get it!

LAURA: (exaggerated) Shit!


SAM: (exaggerated) Shit!

ERICA: There it is. That's the beat.

LAURA: I'm going to run over and--

LIAM: (sweetly) I'm going to strike with my claws now.

ERICA: It's a nice transition.

TRAVIS: (exaggerated) Shit!

LAURA: I'm going to run over to the Iron Woe and hit her a couple times.

LIAM: Coming back at it? Claw, claw, claw?

LAURA: Yes, claw, claw, claw.

LIAM: Got it.

LAURA: See if it hits. That first one doesn't hit. That second one does hit. Third-- oh wait, I wanted to go around to the back of her. So I could flank her. Can I flank her?

LIAM: (counting)

TRAVIS: Stalagmite.

LIAM: Yes, you've got a stalactite up your butt.

ERICA: Stalagmites!

LIAM: Yes, absolutely.

LAURA: So those first two rolls, do I just say the first one hit, and then I'll roll again.

LIAM: What did you roll on the one you hit?

LAURA: I rolled a 19, natural 19 on that.

LIAM: Okay, great.

LAURA: Next hit.

LIAM: This is the third?

LAURA: No, this is the second attack.

LIAM: I thought one missed.

LAURA: No, because I got advantage, remember?

LIAM: Why do you have advantage?

LAURA: Because I'm flanking.

LIAM: Because you're flanking now, thank you.

ERICA: That's what she says.

LAURA: Natural 20 on the second one!

LIAM: On the second. So hit, 20 hit, and?

LAURA: I don't think the last one hits. Eight plus, whatever it is, six. 14.

LIAM: 14 does not hit, but give me your natural 20 and your regular hit.

LAURA: Okay, the first one is six plus five is 11. Then the critical. Oh, that's four.

SAM: (old lady voice) You never visit me.

LAURA: Eight plus five.

ERICA: That's not what she's saying.

LIAM: Eight plus five, 13.

LAURA: Yeah.

LIAM: Okay.

SAM: (old lady voice) A call every once in a while would be nice.

LIAM: So you rush at her, and you strike out and we'll say the first hit misses. Then you grab at her rib--

LAURA: I use the stalagmite and I swing around it and I--

LIAM: So you come swinging around, almost like it's a pole, and grab hold of her. You miss on the first one, but then right yourself and grab claw, grab claw on a rib and you rip. Pry a gigantic rib away and throw it across the cavern.

LAURA: (growls)

TRAVIS: Don't throw it! Beat her to death with it!

LIAM: She's going to use a legendary action to release that cloud of darkness again.

TJ: She's still half moving, right? Or does legendary action crush that?

LIAM: Oh no, it doesn't. You're right. It's half movement so-- Good, thank you TJ.

TRAVIS: She's got two legendary actions a turn.

LIAM: She has three legendary-- She has points, different things take more out of her. I let you see behind the veil a bit. Now we are onto Benicio.

SAM: But I'm too far to do anything.

TRAVIS: She's bad news.

SAM: She's more than 30 feet away from me, isn't she?

TRAVIS: Come on deep, bassy Riegel, get it.

SAM: (deeper voice) Yeah. Is she more than 30 feet away from me, Liam?

TRAVIS: This time tomorrow you'll be high and sprightly all over again.

LIAM: (counting) She's just within range.

SAM: I'm going to run up on grandma.

LIAM: Leave dad behind.

SAM: Bye, dad. And I'm going to stab her in the butt.

LIAM: Okay.

ERICA: Butt?

LIAM: Good flavor.

SAM: 19?

LIAM: Hits.

SAM: Sorry, grandma.

ERICA: That's weird.

SAM: 13 points of damage.

LIAM: How much?

SAM: 13 points of damage.

LIAM: Great.

TRAVIS: No more allowance for you. I sent you a birthday card with a five dollar bill in it.

SAM: Your sweaters never fit.

TRAVIS: I never hear anything.

SAM: I'll stab her again in the belly.

LIAM: Go for it.

ERICA: In the belly, you've moved on.

SAM: Fail.

LIAM: Okay.

SAM: But I'll bonus action hit her in the back.

LIAM: Do it, jock!

SAM: That also misses. 14.

LIAM: Great, just like when you practice nunchucks in front of your mirror.

SAM: That's it, and now I'm right on her and she's going to kill me.

LIAM: She is, in fact, going to use a legendary action to swipe at your ass. Here it comes. Oh, not that great, actually. Nope, your AC is 17. She lumbers around and swipes and you had just finished doing this little trick with the butt end of the weapon and held her back for a second as she went (woosh). You held her at bay.

SAM: Lawrence, save me!

LIAM: And it's Lawrence's turn.

TRAVIS: But I'm still frightened, right?

LIAM: You are still frightened.

TRAVIS: Can I roll to see-- I have to roll at the very end of it.

LIAM: It's at the end of your turn.

TRAVIS: Son of a bitch ass!

LAURA: Oh yeah, you can't move closer to her.

TRAVIS: No! I can't!

LIAM: At the end of each of your turns.

SAM: Don't you have something you can throw?

TRAVIS: I can't move closer, right?

LIAM: Nope, can't go near her.

TRAVIS: Maybe I should just run in the other direction with my claws out and see if I hit that invisible drow. Fuck it, that's what I'm going to do! I'm going to run in this direction as fast as I can.

LIAM: You can't go there.

TRAVIS: I'm running parallel, right?

LIAM: Yeah, you could run this way, but your brother's in the way.

TRAVIS: All right, I'll run towards Aurra. Like further away, claws out to see if I hit anything.

LIAM: I'll say you get right here. Aurra steps to the side slightly. No, no connection. I know where he is.

SAM: Want to keep dashing?

TJ: Aurra's in a different form right? She's in the hybrid form.

ERICA: I'm in the werewolf.

LIAM: Thank you. Where is that?

LAURA: It's right next to-- Yeah.

TRAVIS: I'll use my action to dash over to this corner, claws out.

LIAM: That's a great idea.

TRAVIS: Did I feel anything? (yelling)

LIAM: Terrified, like-- No connection.

TRAVIS: Can I roll to break the--

LIAM: Yes, please do.

TRAVIS: 18 plus one, 19!

LIAM: You get around the corner, you get her out of your vision, plant your hand, your claw against the ground and breathe for a second. "I'm very tough, I'm very big, I'm very strong. I've abandoned my son!"

TRAVIS: I just realized what I wanted to do with my-- Is dead grandma 60 feet away from me now or further?

LIAM: (counting) You don't have anything left. She's within range of 60 feet, but you've done all that stuff.

TRAVIS: I have a bonus action, don't I?

LIAM: For claw.

TRAVIS: Speed, action to dash. No, as a bonus action, I can use my Blood Curse of the Marked. Mark an enemy within 60 feet and deal double Crimson Rite damage to it until the end of your turn.

LIAM: Does it say sight? Do you have to see her?

TRAVIS: It does have to be in sight.

LIAM: That's okay. A lot of new rules here, a lot of stuff happening.

SAM: Werewolves are tough, man.

LAURA: Werewolves, blood hunters.


LAURA: Curses.

ERICA: All of it!

SAM: Whoever wrote these blood hunters and lycans is just--

ERICA: What a weirdo.

SAM: Terrible.

TRAVIS: Probably had blonde hair.

SAM: Yeah. Right now, where do you think he is right now?

TRAVIS: You mean what plane?

SAM: Yes, what plane of existence.

TRAVIS: It's probably under the firmament.

LIAM: You're about to find out.

ERICA: When it's my turn. I'm not ready to ask it.

SAM: It's almost your turn.

ERICA: It's not yet, though. It's going to be, but it's not.

LAURA: It doesn't say it has to be?

LIAM: Lucius, you feel a single hand spank down hard on your shaved head, and you feel a creeping, crawling--

TRAVIS: No, no, no.

LIAM: --vomitous sensation radiate through your whole body as necrotic damage radiates in through the back of your head and you take 26 points of necrotic damage.

TRAVIS: Oh shit!

SAM: Is this a spell?

LIAM: Yes.

SAM: Is this an attack spell?

LIAM: Yes.

SAM: I will invoke my Blood Curse of the Fallen Puppet.

LIAM: Does it say anything about sight?

SAM: I need to know that the spell's being cast.

TJ: I scream?

SAM: I'm right up on grandma. I don't know if--

TJ: I scream: Spell!

SAM: Oh, this is being cast by invisible fucktod.

LIAM: It says, "Rend the spell from the air." I'm going to nix that. I'm going to say he's invisible. There was no preconceived notion of it. All you heard was (smack) "Ooh!" and it's done.

SAM: Oh, Lucius.

TJ: Ouch.

LIAM: You feel just a bit of breeze behind you-- There's no save for that, no-- A bit of breeze behind you and a step, you hear it. The moment's passed.

TJ: Thank you.

TRAVIS: Thank you, sir.

LIAM: It is the Iron Woe's turn.

SAM: The Iron Woe.

LIAM: The Iron Woe. She's just going to lay into what she's facing, which is Benicio.

ERICA: Werewolves of woe.

LIAM: Yep, hits. 18, beats your armor class.

SAM: Oh yeah, sure.

LIAM: That is 12 points of slashing damage. Then she leans in to bite, she hasn't bitten anybody, and she still hasn't bitten anybody 'cause she rolled a three. She's just snapping away. Can't get anyone. She's pretty pissed. That's it, she's just going to stay there. Now it is Aurra's turn.

ERICA: All right, can I Flaming Sphere this lady?

LIAM: Sure you can.

ERICA: I was going to say something else, but I didn't say it.

LIAM: You can say that if you want.

ERICA: I don't want to say it. I'm not going to say it. She's my grandma; I'm not going to say it about her.

SAM: Yeah, don't disrespect your grandma.

ERICA: I'm not going to. She's like an Iron Woe or whatever, but I'm not going to go there about it. But yes, I would like to Flaming Sphere at her.

LIAM: Okay, so you drag your hands in a giant circle in front of you and-- about as big as an exercise ball-- a giant bowling ball of flame springs to life right in front of you and you send it, I assume, towards her. So careening through, and you guys see it coming. Portia, you see it coming, Benicio, you do not. It hits this and actually does a little skateboard trick, kills Laura, bounces down, and lands right next to the Iron Woe, burning and the fire flashes out from it, connecting with her. She has to make a dex save.

SAM: You got this.

ERICA: All right.

LIAM: What's your spell DC? It's on your character page, on the bottom right.

ERICA: 15.

LIAM: She doesn't make it. So she takes full damage.

LAURA: 2d6?

LIAM, SAM, and LAURA: 2d6.

SAM: So roll the square one twice.

LIAM: Unless you want to cast it at a higher level, but that ship has passed, I guess.

ERICA: Seven.

LIAM: Seven points of damage, and that Flaming Sphere is out here.

SAM: It just stays?

LIAM: It stays.

ERICA: Can I direct it another time?

LIAM: Not for this turn.

ERICA: My next turn, though, I could theoretically.

LIAM: That's right. Lucius, you are up. Unless you want to move somewhere.

SAM: You have a bonus action.

LIAM: Oh, you have a hasted action and movement.

SAM: Hasted action, and movement. Hasted action she could only do a melee hit.

ERICA: What?

LIAM: You can move 60 feet because you're the Flash right now and you could claw her if you got up on her.

ERICA: Okay, I'm going to do that then. That's what I'm doing.

LIAM: Okay, so you just crouch low and run. (counting)

ERICA: Three claws? Am I?

LIAM: You don't get three claws, you get one.

ERICA: What is with the one? So frustrated by this. Fine, all right, here we go.

TRAVIS: Can I ask a question?

LIAM: Yeah.

TRAVIS: If the drow casts a spell, he can stay invisible after casting it?

LIAM: No, he can't, you're right. That's right. We'll get to that in a moment.


SAM: It's plus five.

ERICA: The clawing, all right. No, it's nine. It's not a thing.

LIAM: Okay.

SAM: You have a bonus action if you wanted to heal anyone.

LAURA: That was the bonus--

ERICA: Was that it?

LIAM: The bonus action was the missed slash.


LIAM: You just tried to slash, right?

ERICA: I did.

LIAM: Yeah. So got a retcon: when you cast while invisible, it goes. So what I want to do is let you know that in your peripheral vision after getting spanked in the back of the head-- the drow is behind you, and bolts away in this direction.

TJ: Great.

LIAM: So you get an attack of opportunity if you want.

TJ: Yes, please.

LIAM: Go for it.

TRAVIS: Yeah, I forgot when you cast when you're invisible you reveal.

SAM: For the bad guy?

LIAM: Yeah, that's why Caleb wouldn't do anything in that dungeon forever.

SAM: Is he visible now?

LIAM: He's visible now.

SAM: Where is he?

LIAM: He is here.

SAM: Oh!

LIAM: He's about to run away from Lucius.

TJ: 17.

LIAM: This is a rewinding of time-- Ah! I keep hitting that-- That hits.

TJ: Yes! Six points of damage.

LIAM: Okay, got it.

TJ: My sickle slashes through his back.

TRAVIS: Yeah it does.

LIAM: He cries out and keeps running, and now we're on your actual turn.

TJ: How much space is between the drow and the Iron Woe?

LIAM: I'm going to put him here. (counting) 25 feet, 30 feet.

TJ: Okay. First I'm going to move the Moonbeam on top of the Iron Woe.

LIAM: Great. That almost waterfall of bright pale light gushing out of the hole in nothing just drags across the ground and centers on the Iron Woe, and she has to make a con save. Does not make it; I rolled a three.

TJ: Whew. That is 2d10, yeah. 15 points of damage.

LIAM: Bits of bone shard, dark and solid as it is, start to chip away and she is starting to fragment.


LAURA: She's looking rough.

SAM: (whispers) Okay, this is good.

TJ: Then I send the Spiritual Weapon after the drow and it's a shiny and silver scimitar, so I'd like--

LIAM: And it can only move 20 feet. It was attacking her before.

TJ: Okay then I'll keep it on her, if I can.

LIAM: You can, yeah.

TJ: Great.

LIAM: So I don't think it would make it to the drow, but you can, sure.

TJ: That is (counting) 17?

LIAM: 17 on the Iron Woe does not hit.

TJ: (groans)

TRAVIS: Both times.

LIAM: (exhales) Okay.

TJ: And is that an action or does Spiritual Weapon do its own thing?

LIAM: Spiritual Weapon is a bonus action.

TJ: Great. And--

LAURA: Oh my god, those were two spells you have up that you can just attack with. That's badass.

TJ: Mm. It should've.

LAURA: Yeah, because Spiritual is not a concentration.

TJ: It is not.

LIAM: Wow, that's badass.

LAURA: Yeah.

ERICA: (quietly) What?

LIAM: Woo! Moonbeam's concentration but Spiritual is not. Wow.

SAM: It's like this guy's played before.

TJ: And--

ERICA: It is as though.

TRAVIS: It's like he has color coded sheets.

TJ: Do I--


TJ: Do I know anything about drow?

LIAM: Make a history check.

TJ: No.


TJ: No I don't. I know nothing.

LIAM: No, only what you hear about the Dwendalian Empire's efforts against them, but not them.

TJ: Nasty and sneaky.

TRAVIS: Terrible.

TJ: They're horrible. Yeah-- no-- yes. I don't want to get slapped in the back of the head again. (laughs) I will cast Spirit Guardians on myself.

LIAM: Okay. Got it. And three beings of light appear around you, translucent but formidable.


TJ: And I step closer to the Iron Woe so that it's within the reach, but I stay on the other side of the stalagmite.

LIAM: Spiritual Guardians; 15 feet; concentration. So Moonbeam is down.

TJ: Oh, then if it's-- it is concentration?

LIAM: Concentration up to 10 minutes. You can retcon it, it's fine.

TJ: I didn't see concentration.

LIAM: You would know your shit.

TJ: No, I thought I wrote them down, but it did not write concentration.

LIAM: No I don't mean you, I mean Lucius would know that one would cancel out the other. So if you want Moonbeam up, Moonbeam's up.

TJ: Yeah, Moonbeam's the more important I think.

LIAM: Moom. Moombeam.

TJ, TRAVIS, and LAURA: Moombeam.

ERICA: Moombeam.

TJ: I will Guiding Bolt.

LIAM: And Guiding Bolt is?

LAURA: (singing) Guiding Bolt, her up the butt.

ERICA: What is it with the butt, guys? Come on.

LIAM: That's a spell attack, right?

TJ: It is.

LIAM: Go for it.

LAURA: (singing) Give us an advantage on the next attack!

ERICA: Okay, are we taking it there; is that what's happening right now?

TJ: (inhales) 24.

LIAM: That hits.

SAM: Wow.


LAURA: (deadpan fanfare)

SAM: "I would like to pray."

TRAVIS: "I pray."

ERICA: (quietly sings) What is happening?

SAM: TJ's doing all the moves.

TJ: Aww, 13 points of damage.

LIAM: Okay.

SAM: Just "okay."

LIAM: Good, no, another rib splinters out and sticks sideways. She's starting to lean to the side a bit.

TJ: Whoever attacks next has advantage on the attack.

LIAM: It is Portia's turn.

SAM: Por-tia!

LAURA: Sweet.

TJ: Also she still has the Mark of Waning still upon her.

SAM: C'mon, take her down, Portia.

LAURA: All right, I'm going to run up to her.

LIAM: Do it, Portia.

LAURA: Do I get advantage on all three attacks, or just the first attack?

LIAM: If you're flanking, you mean?

LAURA: From the Guiding Bolt. I think it's just the first attack, so I'm going to flank her.

LIAM: First attack, okay. That's easy enough to do.

LAURA: That's not me.

LIAM: That's not you? Oh, that's our druid, sorry, you're--

LAURA: I'm the reddish one. Right.

LIAM: Blue bottom, okay.

LAURA: Yes, but the reddish paint.

LIAM: So five, ten, 15, 20, done.

LAURA: Okay, I'm going to try to hit her! 17 plus something; that first one hits. Second one, natural 20!

ALL: Nice!

LIAM: So it was hit, natural 20?

LAURA: Hit, natural 20. Third is 11 plus six, 16. No, 17.

LIAM: Nope.

LAURA: Still doesn't hit.

SAM: Some points, some damage.

LAURA: First one. Eight plus five is 13. And then the critical.

SAM: This is it.

LAURA: Aw man. Eight plus five is 13 again.

LIAM: 13 again?

LAURA: Yeah.

LIAM: Okay. You strike out and grab and rake at her hip and you tear an entire hip bone away and throw down to the ground.


LIAM: She is staggering on her feet, she is still up, and she is angry at you and drags a claw across your face.

LAURA: It's not considered a weapon attack, is it? It's just a claw attack?

LIAM: It's a claw attack, for 16 points of slashing damage.

SAM: Ooh, yikes.

LAURA: Zoinks!

LIAM: That was a legendary action.

LAURA: Oh no, I'm almost dead!

LIAM: Are you unconscious?


LIAM: No? Oh!

LAURA: I'm still standing.

LIAM: Okay. Benicio, you're up.

SAM: I'm sorry, Grandma! And I will attack, terribly. I will attack again, much better, 23.

LIAM: What are you using?

SAM: My glaive.

LAURA: We're flanking her, yo, so you're at advantage.

LIAM: Yeah, you're at advantage.

SAM: Oh, so that's the first attack?

TJ: May I move closer to my father?

SAM: That's a 23 to hit. All right, and that is 15 points of damage.

LIAM: 15 points of damage. You smash the glaive across her face and her lower jaw flies and clatters into the stone and hits the ground. She stands pathetic, teetering in front of you. Is this the bonus action?

SAM: This is my second attack, also at advantage?

LIAM: Yeah, you're flanking.

SAM: That's crazy. Miss. Bonus. Natural 20!

ALL: Yeah!

TRAVIS, TJ, LAURA, and ERICA: (howling)

SAM: The bonus strike is less, guys. The bonus strike is only a d4 plus three.

LIAM: Benicio, how do you want to do this?

SAM: I would like to stick the glaive through her pelvis bone and just kind of go around in a circle.

LAURA: I'll duck every time.

SAM: And then let go!

LIAM: You drive the glaive right through her entire form and then you just drag and push, and push, and use that force, that torque as you go to unwind her body and pull bone off, and bone off, and bone off. She falls to her bony knee, down to her chest, claws at the ground, and rests still.

SAM: In your face, Lawrence! That's how a man does it!

TJ: The elf! I point.

LIAM: And it's your turn.

TRAVIS: I've just finished running with my claws out in the air, and I see the little motherfucker run, and I'm like: Bitch! I'll use my bonus action to now Blood Curse of the Marked on the drow.

LIAM: Okay.

TRAVIS: And I will close the distance on him and take three swipes--


TRAVIS: --with my Crimson Rite claws.

LIAM: You can make (mumbling) until the end of your turn. Are you amplifying or just doing the basic?

TRAVIS: Amplifying.

LIAM: So take 1d6 damage.

TRAVIS: 1d6 or just six?

LIAM: 1d6 for amplify.

TRAVIS: Three points of damage.

LIAM: Okay, go for it.

TRAVIS: Natural 20 on the first one. Second one is--

LIAM: Wait, you used your movement to get to him. That's (counting) 30, you're not quite there.

TRAVIS: Oh, fuck!

LIAM: I'll give you your action to get there and your bonus action for that natural 20.

TRAVIS: I'll take that, that seems very fair. Great, okay. So that's going to be (counting) 22 points of damage with the lightning Crimson Rite. Oh, and I double the Crimson Rite damage, which was the crit, so it was 12 points of Crimson Rite damage--

LAURA: So 24!

TRAVIS: --so 24 on top of the ten, so 34.

LIAM: 34 total?

TRAVIS: 34 total.

LIAM: Nasty. Okay--

LAURA: With one fucking bonus attack.

TRAVIS: Yeah, I know.

SAM: Wow. The drow is down?

LIAM: Did I get it wrong? Yeah, the Iron Woe.

TRAVIS: One square away from getting the other two, fuck!

LAURA: What is he doing?

LIAM: Shit!


LIAM: Wasn't good. The drow reaches out to grab you and you just bat the arm away, and you see almost worms, black disgusting energy dripping off. You see a look of real fear and he starts to go.

SAM: He's running?

LAURA: You get another attack on him!

TRAVIS: I do get an attack of opportunity.

LIAM: Yes, you do.

TRAVIS: That's cocked. That's a 19 plus--

LIAM: Hits.

TRAVIS: Yeah. (counting) 15 points with the lightning damage.

LIAM: 15, okay. You rake a canal down this man's back, and he is staggering away down this hall pathetically, blood just pouring down his back. He's on his feet and he looks like shit.


LIAM: Aurra, it's your turn.

SAM: Aurra!

LAURA: Don't let him get away!

SAM: End him. Spill him!

ERICA: I send Wind Wall to block his passage. Can I do this?

LIAM: That's super cool, let's see how we can make it work. Aurra, Wind Wall.

ERICA: Help me, he'll die. I will send Wind Wall. He'll give me strength through this so that I.

LAURA: Oh yeah, you can totally do that!

ERICA: This is what I want.

LAURA: She just picks a point on the ground and he has to make a save.

LIAM: What's the range on it though?

LAURA: 120 feet!

ERICA: It is so far; it's as far as I want.

LIAM: Oh, yeah, that's great. He is so low, I will say that you just walk calmly, throw up your hands and that energy flies out of your hands, flies just over Lawrence's head and a cyclone of frenetic, angry energy spins this asshole like a dryer tumbler in that hallway because you have just shoved a Wind Wall in a very small space, sending it starting here through there like a snake. I could roll, but he is beaten back and forth against the sides of that passage and his head softens into pulp, and he is turned into a bloody mess and lies on the ground.

LAURA: (howls) That was my howl, did you like it?

ERICA: It's good, that was good. Full enthusiasm on that one.

LIAM: The room is still.

SAM: I would like to use my Blood Curse of the Fallen Puppet--

LIAM: On the drow?

SAM: On the dead drow.

LIAM: To do what?

SAM: I want him to wake up and, with his last bit of life, give Lawrence a wedgie.

TRAVIS: Fuck you!

LIAM: You have to roll-- that's a straight roll.

SAM: Yeah, sure.

LIAM: I need you to roll something to see if this works. No, let's do this. Lawrence, make a dex save.

TRAVIS: Yeah, give me a shot, man!

LIAM: I remember Grog trying to pants Vax.

LAURA: What is it? Natural 20?


SAM: I'm going to amplify--

TRAVIS: Can I do the same?!

SAM: --which adds my wisdom modifier to it, which is a plus four.

TRAVIS: Roll like shit.

SAM: I don't know, do I roll? What am I doing?

LIAM: Yeah, you got to roll, this is outside the tenets of Dungeons & Dragons.

SAM: Six plus four.


LIAM: The mangled corpse does move, but the bones are broken, so it's just this shambling, disgusting mess, and it slops onto Lawrence's front--

TRAVIS: What the fuck?! Get off of me!

LIAM: --and then slimes to the ground.

TRAVIS: Benicio!

SAM: Wasn't me, bro. He just really must hate you. Oh, blood is coming out of me! I just took two points of damage.

LIAM: You know, it's late here at the studio, so I'm going to eulogize this game and tell you, you've saved your father, which I didn't anticipate. It's the middle of the night, you take Hal back to your family home, and he doesn't speak for the entire walk back. He looks very shaken. Haunted. You get him back to his room, and the five of you, standing around him as he would want, comfort him and encourage him to talk, and he spends the next hour telling you how this man attacked the keep with a small army of undead. Slaughtered everyone in the castle, except for him. He then asks you to sit down, and explains to you that the man that you've just finished was your grandfather.

SAM: The drow?

LIAM: He did come from Xhorhas and he did have a torrid romance with Genevieve Lorelei. His people came for him to drag him back. Genevieve Lorelei was killed, the drow's twin brother was killed, and he was taken back to Xhorhas to be realigned. He also asks that in the weeks that follow, you help him to reseal the tomb below, and to learn from this misstep in the family line, and though there is darkness, it doesn't mean that the light is gone and to hold onto that. He reiterates that he loves you very much.

LAURA: But you love me most.

LIAM: He shakes his head. "Some days." He drifts off to sleep, and the five of you look across your father in bed, asleep, safe, and rethink your future plans in relation to the House Lorelei. And that's where we'll end the story.


SAM: Liam O'Brien.

TRAVIS: So good! You never went wolf! Very smart, though. He was way more powerful that way. He saved our ass.

LIAM: Man, every time I run these games I'm like, "I'm going to make it shorter this time. I'm going to keep it--" It's impossible! It's impossible!

TRAVIS: Erica!

ERICA: Aww, thanks!

LAURA and LIAM: Yeah!

ERICA: First time.

LAURA: Man, a druid, that's a hard one to go on first time.

LIAM: No, you did great! Everyone should play D&D!

SAM: But not start with a druid.

TRAVIS: Unless you got a good tutor!

LAURA: It is, like, the hardest class.

ERICA: Really?

LIAM: Well guys, Burning Man will soon be done, we'll be back to our regular scheduled programming. We look forward to having our three wandering travelers back. But for now, I don't know what is said. Be good to each other, love one another. Try to be good, and is it Thursday yet?

ALL: Yeah! (howling)