List of Transcripts


MARISHA: Hello everyone, and welcome to tonight's special one shot, Honey Heist 3: Tova's Honeys. But first, I have a few announcements, like we always do.


MARISHA: Together, all of you helped us raise over $100,000 for the Pablove Foundation, Sam's chosen favorite charity of choice, which is dedicated to fighting childhood cancer through funding grants and, of course, through the arts. Because of your amazing generosity, Sam will be hosting his first ever fireside chat this Tuesday at 7:00pm Pacific on, the channel you are currently watching. After that: have you ever wondered what it would be like if I drew my own D&D character? No?

MARY: Hey Marisha, what would it be like if you drew your own D&D character?

MARISHA: I'm so glad you guys asked! It would be terrible. So that means I'm going to make content out of it. On a very special #EverythingIsContent this Wednesday, we'll be joined by a very special art instructor who will teach me how to draw Beauregard. And that amazing artist is Babs Tarr! The lovely Babs is going to try and teach me how to draw. Thanks, yeah, we'll see. I hope you guys like it! That is this Wednesday at 5:00pm Pacific, right here on

ALL: Critical Role!

MARISHA: Okay, that's pretty much it for the announcements.


MARISHA: With that, it is time to get into tonight's episode-- I'm super nervous-- Honey Heist 3: Tova's Honeys!

[suspenseful music]

Part IEdit

MARISHA: Here we go. Tova, it has been three months since you sent the Sweet Brothers on their mission to clear Fort Lox from the control of the Bear Acuda and Hattori Bongo. Of course you've been living the adventuring life part-time, but now you are back at the High Bear Nation headquarters. You deliver the news back to Sir Paddington on the discovery of the balootonium from Fort Lox, the highly explosive honey-based compound that the clan was possessing. Since then it's been business as usual at the High Bear Nation. At least it has been when you've been there, which hasn't been that much. Which leads us to today, a day in which you've been requested to have a briefing with your boss, Sir Paddington.

NOELLE: The big bear himself.

MARISHA: Now generally he doesn't speak with you directly unless it's pretty big. It's meeting time.


MARISHA: You head down the hall, up to the third floor where his office is, even though he's never there-- You've actually never met Sir Paddington in person. It's just a little briefing room where he discusses things with agents whenever necessary. You get led in by the assistant, the door closes. "Hello Tova."


MARISHA: "My favorite of the Honeys."

NOELLE: Well, thanks.

MARISHA: "I have a new mission for you that is of the utmost importance."

NOELLE: All right.

MARISHA: "Are you up for the task?"

NOELLE: Always am.

MARISHA: "We have gotten new information that more balootonium is continuing to find its way into the criminal underworld. I know."

NOELLE: That's terrible.

MARISHA: "Right? We believe that whomever is distributing this weapon of mass destruction are doing so by ocean transport. I know. Gasp."


MARISHA: "A single gram is enough to destroy a small town. With this many lives at stake, I need my top agents on the mission. I have granted you access to a full team. I have inserted their coordinates into your globear positioning identification system. Of course, being your system, it is the one labeled--" Roll a d6 for me.


MARISHA: "The brains, as you are the brains of the group. Here is your globear positioning system."

LAURA: That's amazing!

MARY: My god, it works.

DANI: Spin it!

NOELLE: Can I? Can I spin it?

MARISHA: "You can as soon as I'm done debriefing you."

NOELLE: You're the boss. Take it away.

MARISHA: "I know. Now if you insert the names of the other jobs, you can easily find the other agents here in our headquarters. Those are the jobs, of course, being: the muscle, the driver, the hacker, the thief, and a face. You always need a good face."

NOELLE: Yeah, that's important to every mission.

MARISHA: "Now once you've gathered the Honeys, as always, go talk to Bearsley for future details on your mission. Go assemble your team. Track down who's responsible for the supply of the balootonium, and bring them to justice."

NOELLE: You got it, boss.

MARISHA: "Make me proud, Tova."

NOELLE: That's all I want to do in life.

MARISHA: "I enjoy hearing that. It validates me deeply."

NOELLE: It's been an honor, getting to see this speaker that is you.

MARISHA: "That is me, correct. All right. Go form your team." You leave.

DANI: Thank you for all of that.

MARY: Technology has come so far.

MARISHA: It has! Who would you like to try and find first?

NOELLE: Let's try and find the brawn, the muscle. Fancy word for muscle.

MARISHA: All right, let's go ahead and give me a spin.

NOELLE: All right. Oh my god, this is so exciting.

LAURA: Is this like spin the bottle?

NOELLE: Ooh! It's spinny!

MARISHA: Southeast. You head down a corridor and you look down on your positioning system and see a little flashing red beacon, you see a few of them. You head down a corridor, down the stairs towards the southeast wing of the High Bear Nation headquarters. In there you see the gym. In the gym, a hot, sexy-looking polar bear by the name of Drew Bearymoore is working out.

DANI: Yeah!

MARISHA: Drew Bearymoore, would you like to describe yourself, as you are now the muscle.

DANI: Oh boy. I'm going to write that down. Well apparently I've got guns.

MARY: I think that's self-evident.

DANI: Well, got a little bit of the crazy eyes going, let's get that started off right now. I'm going to be boxing, punching things in the whatever that is, the punching bag. I know what it's called. It's a bear punching room with claws, because that's what they do. She's got a little bit of a-- Maybe she's finished with drugs, maybe not, not super sure.

NOELLE: Wild card.

DANI: A very, slightly well-groomed coat, it's clearly been taken care of at some point in time in her life. Eyes that you're never really sure if they're going to land at any point. They dart a lot. She's staring at you for a minute, but then she's over here, and maybe she's over here. She has daisies in her hair. She's got little daisies.

NOELLE: Well they are adorable.

DANI: Thanks!

NOELLE: That's what this mission is about.

DANI: Daisies?

NOELLE: No, bears who are very strong but also adorable.

DANI: Well, you've come to the right place!

NOELLE: I'm going to need the top bears on my team. You're the strongest bear of all, and you have the most adorable daisies, so are you in?

DANI: I am always in. Come on, I mean it sounds like it's going to be a really good time. I don't know what we're doing, but I'm in.

NOELLE: Then let's do this.

MARISHA: All right, who are you tracking down next?

NOELLE: Well, because I totally remember all the things that I said earlier, I guess we're going for the face now.

MARISHA: Going for the face. Go ahead and spin.

NOELLE: All right. It's so fun.

DANI: Can I be looking over your shoulder?


MARISHA: You head out of the gym, take a left and head west all the way down to total far end of the headquarters, that's what it's called. At the end, you can see where this is coming from, there's a bedroom of one of the agents that lives on site. It's always dark in there, you're not sure what's going on. You knock on the door. This is The Midnight Maven's bedroom.

LAURA: Hello, who's there?

NOELLE: It's me, Tova.

LAURA: Tova, I love you.

DANI: And Drew!

LAURA: Oh, Drew. You brought the crazy one.

NOELLE: You know, she's the strongest bear of all, and I'm going to need the best for this mission.

DANI: The Midnight Maven complimented me, you guys!

NOELLE: We're having a moment here, you know, we haven't seen each other in a while, so we're getting reacquainted.

LAURA: How can I help you, Tova?

NOELLE: The balootonium-- Which is what it's called?

MARISHA: Yeah, pretty good.

LAURA: It's incredibly deadly.

NOELLE: It's incredibly deadly, and it's out there again. I'm going to the need the face on this.

LAURA: You want me to be your face?

NOELLE: Yes, please. Will you be my face?

LAURA: I accept this request, Tova. Whatever you want.

NOELLE: Well, thank you.

LAURA: I am happy to be on your team.

NOELLE: Then let's do this!

DANI: Oh my god, this is so exciting, this is the best day of my entire life!

NOELLE: Is she looking at me? I can't quite-- Is she looking at you?

LAURA: I don't know where she is looking.

NOELLE: I don't know. Is there someone behind us? She's excited.

MARISHA: Okay, you still need to find your driver, your hacker, and your thief.

NOELLE: Let's go and find our hacker.

MARISHA: You type in "hacker" into your globear positioning system. (beeping)

NOELLE: That's a north. Let's go north.

MARISHA: You head away from the living quarters and go up a flight of stairs and all the way back towards command office center. There's access to lights, city, information, things that a lot of people probably shouldn't have, and in there you see Bearah Pawcett.

NOELLE: She's smoking in the room full of all the dangerous technology.

KRYSTINA: Because I don't care. I don't care if it explodes, I don't care if it blows us away, but I do care about you being here.

NOELLE: Wow, I'm sorry to intrude, but you're supposed to be the best hacker in all of the High Bear Nation, so I've got a special mission just for you.

KRYSTINA: Are you pretending that you don't know my reputation first-hand?

NOELLE: All right, yes, we both know each other very well. But I'm doing a thing, it's cool. We're doing a thing. Just go with it.


NOELLE: We could really use your hacking claws, if you're up for it. What do you say?

KRYSTINA: I'll join you. I'll be your hacker. Who else is on this team?

NOELLE: Well, we have our muscle.

DANI: Hey!

NOELLE: We have our face.

LAURA: Hello.

NOELLE: We have our hacker. And you have me, the brains.

KRYSTINA: A very beautiful team, I'm very excited to be a part of this.

NOELLE: It is. I highly prioritize symmetrical faces on this team.

KRYSTINA: Where are we going?

NOELLE: We're going presumably somewhere watery. A lot of ocean. We're going to get that balootonium, and we're going to stop those bad guys. That's what we're doing.

KRYSTINA: We shall bear down on them in the best possible way.

NOELLE: That's an excellent bear pun. I very much respect it. Let's do this.


MARISHA: You need a driver and a thief still.

NOELLE: All right, who's going to be our driver?

MARISHA: (beeping)

NOELLE: Never gets old. We're going northwest.

MARISHA: We are going northwest. Not far from where you are, but you head back down the stairs and into the garage, and there you find Grizz Leigh Bear.

MARY: Would someone hand me a goddamn Allen wrench please?

DANI: I immediately go run and find one. Here you go!

MARY: What's your name, honey?

DANI: I'm Drew, hey.

MARY: Hey. Where are you looking?

DANI: Doesn't matter, does it?

MARY: Nope! It sure don't.

NOELLE: All right, easy there. Hey Grizz. What are you fixing right now?

MARY: (straining) I'm fixing the pipe on this thing.

NOELLE: The pipe?

MARY: Yep.

NOELLE: Is that our ride?

LAURA: Oh, the pipe, that's an important part of the car.

MARY: Well, it's part of the carburetor, if you want to get technical about it, but yeah.

DANI: She's using layman's terms, you guys.

NOELLE: You know what, you're a crazy driver, you've gotten us into a scrape before, but you know what? No one's faster away from a getaway scene than you. Grizz, I've come to ask you a favor.

MARY: A favor? What do I get?

NOELLE: Praise, my admiration.

MARY: Done. What do you need?

NOELLE: All right.

MARY: I'm easy, you know.

NOELLE: We're going on a heist.

MARY: Going on a heist!?

NOELLE: Yeah, that's right.

MARY: (shouting) Barney! I'm going on a heist! Yeah, I know. I'll be back. (whispering) Dang it.

LAURA: I didn't even hear anyone talking to her.

DANI: I don't know who that is, it might be in her head!

KRYSTINA: I don't believe anyone was.

NOELLE: All right, Barney. Take care, buddy.

MARY: I'm not crazy, Barney's behind the wall right there. He's quiet. He's a mute. I'm just letting him know where I'm going.

DANI: You guys have your own communication system, that's so cool!

MARY: It's called English and I'm using my mouth.

DANI: Man.

MARY: Drew, I love you. It's going to be fun.

DANI: I like you a lot.

NOELLE: All right, you guys are hitting it off, that's always good. All right, we've got one more member of our team we've got to get. That is the--?


NOELLE: The thief. That's the one we got to get. Let's find out where our thief is. We're going back north.

MARISHA: Sure. You type in thief and--


MARISHA: You head back north and then you shake the box a little bit. It's a little-- You know when you're-- Then eventually it tells you to go southwest, which is the direction of the last remaining member, by process of elimination, to your team. You find Clair McFuzz. She was hard to track because she is a tiny little honey badger and she was running from room to room. So it gets confused. It's a little slow.

BRITTANY: I'm active.

MARY: Whoa! Who just said that?

BRITTANY: Hi. Hey, Grizz Leigh. How you doing?

DANI: Oh my god, you're so small!

MARY: You always sneak up on me.

BRITTANY: Sorry, Grizz Leigh. Sorry. We're still friends, right?

MARY: Just Grizz.

BRITTANY: Okay, Grizz.

NOELLE: Clair McFuzz.


NOELLE: Is that you?


NOELLE: All right.

BRITTANY: How you doing?

NOELLE: I'm doing very well, thank you for asking.

BRITTANY: Did you get that box of fudge I sent you week ago?

NOELLE: I always appreciate your fudge. Thank you for it.

BRITTANY: Can I offer you another?

NOELLE: Please.

BRITTANY: From McFuzz's Famous Fudge Factory. You know, my daddy's factory.

NOELLE: I do know your daddy's factory.

BRITTANY: Oh, great. That's my daddy. Have I mentioned that before?

NOELLE: He's very handsome.

BRITTANY: Okay, we do fudge right.

NOELLE: Yes, you do.


LAURA: I like how most thieves steal things. You sneak into people's rooms and leave them fudge.

NOELLE: She steals things and replaces them with fudge. It's honestly a pretty good deal, if you're getting stolen from.

MARY: That's damn good fudge, too. I've been holding on to this one for a few weeks. Keeping it warm.

BRITTANY: That means a lot to me, Grizz.

MARY: Down my front. That keeps it warm.

BRITTANY: Tova, what can I do for you today?

NOELLE: Well, we're looking for a thief. You might see that we've assembled a team.

BRITTANY: I love stealing things.

NOELLE: Just the best team that there is in the High Bear Nation.

BRITTANY: My goodness, you have indeed.

NOELLE: And the cutest team. Not that that's important, but--

BRITTANY: I'll steal your hearts if you're not careful.

DANI: You already have it.

NOELLE: Replace it with fudge. So are you in?

BRITTANY: Totally, a hundred percent.

DANI: Tovally?

NOELLE: (gasp) That was an unexpected pun. A+. I love it!

MARY: Hey, double-M. She's got a lot of puns, don't she?

LAURA: I've noticed.

DANI: That's the only one so far, but maybe I'll come up with another one at some point.

NOELLE: This team has been prioritized not only for their skill, but also for their adorableness, and also for their puns. So I think this is the best team possible. Paw-sible. Terrible.

DANI: Everything's going so great.

NOELLE: It's going great! All right. So are you in, honeys?

MARY: Heck yeah! Bring it on!

NOELLE: Got one "Heck yeah!"

MARY: Let's do it! Come on, ladies, put in a paw!


MARY: I love it when it starts on an awkward note.

MARISHA: You all gather yourselves and you head down to the R&D Center to meet with Bearsley. As you approach, automatic glass doors glide open as you enter the warehouse-like chamber. The lighting is a bit dim and only half the room is really lit. From what you can see, every inch of the walls are covered in shelves stocked with equipment. Emerging from the dark side of the room, you see an older bear, darker fur that's beginning to get a little salt-and-pepper. He's wearing a nice suit with a red pinstripe collared shirt and a bright red tie to match. This is Bearsley. You all know Bearsley pretty well. He's the right-hand man to Sir Paddington and the only member of the High Bear Nation to have ever met him in person. "Hello, honeys."

ALL: Hi, Bearsley.

MARISHA: "How you doing?"

BRITTANY: How you doing?

MARISHA: "I hear you're going on the balootonium mission. Is that true?"

NOELLE: That's right.

MARISHA: "I see the High Bear Nation's really pulled out their best for this one." (laughs)

DANI: Clearly.

KRYSTIN: We're worth their budget.

MARY: Your bowtie looks really good.

MARISHA: "Oh, well, thank you, I'm trying to go for a new look, you know."

MARY: It's very nice. Salt-and-pepper's fine.

MARISHA: "All right, well-- Oh, Grizz, you're making me blush even under this fur!"

MARY: I know! It's making me happy.

MARISHA: "Just the cutest. All right. Honeys, let me debrief you here. Here's what we figured out. Through our triangulation algorithm that we've invested in here at the High Bear Nation, we believe that Stilben, which is a port town just east of here, is the town that's maybe responsible or at least triangulated that a lot of this balootonium is coming in and out. Of course, we think it's connected through the waterways and Stilben happens to be connected to just about every other port on the eastern seaboard. Now, from there, it makes sense that it's Stilben because it has a pretty big history of corruption and criminal underworld things. The Clasp has been there for years, so we're not really surprised to see that Stilben is in the middle of all this. You guys remember Hattori Bongo?"

DANI: How could we forget?

MARISHA: "He was that guy that the Sweet Brothers uncovered? Yeah, well, we have information from one of our informants that one of his associates has been hunkered down in Stilben. Go talk with an old friend over at Sunset Stride. It's a tavern in Stilben. Name of Penny, our informant. Informant's named Penny. Clarification."

MARY: Not Bongo's associate. We're going to find Bongo's associate.

MARISHA: "Correct."

DANI: We like Penny.

MARISHA: "Penny's good. Yeah, she might have some information, she's been down there for quite a bit."

DANI: She gone local?

MARISHA: "She's gone a little local. You creep me out sometimes, Drew, it's like you know things that you shouldn't know."

DANI: Don't worry about it.

MARISHA: "It's almost like you've been--"

BRITTANY: She means well.

NOELLE: Her fur is full of secrets.

BRITTANY: And strawberries.

NOELLE: How did those strawberries get in there? Where did they come from?

DANI: You know, just, don't ask questions! Don't ask questions, all right?

NOELLE: I wasn't going to.

DANI: You know what, I like to eat the things I like, all right? It's not a big deal. It's not a big deal, okay?

NOELLE: Try not to ask too many questions.

KRYSTINA: I have very serious concerns for your future.

DANI: I have a future?!

KRYSTINA: Not the way it's looking.

DANI: That's the most anyone's ever said to that! (cackles)

NOELLE: Well, this'll be fun.

KRYSTINA: Just an observation.

MARISHA: "Glad that the High Bear Nation has spared no expense. All right--"

DANI: We get paid?! This is the second time I've heard we might be getting paid!

MARISHA: "Oh, man. Do you just live here? Okay."

DANI: I just really like the gym.

NOELLE: Showed up one day and we can't get her to leave, but she is very strong. And she's got strawberries. She always has strawberries. So we like her.

KRYSTINA: Have you ever questioned where those strawberries came from? Does it bother you at all?

NOELLE: I try not to think too hard about it.

DANI: They're fresh!

NOELLE: They are very fresh. It is true. You know, a bear just needs her berries sometimes.

MARISHA: "Do you ladies have any other questions about the mission so far?"

MARY: How much balootonium are we talking about?

MARISHA: "That's a good question. We've uncovered five or six shipments thus far. It's not a lot, but you don't need a lot when it comes to this stuff. Like I said, it all seems to be triangulated back to Stilben. I think it's the central hub for where it's been shipping out. I don't really know, though. You guys are the brains, am I right? That's why I'm just a secretary."

MARY: Bearsley, do you have any special equipment for us on this particular sojourn?

MARISHA: "So glad you asked, Grizz. You always ask the right question."

MARY: (fake coughing) I'll meet you later!

NOELLE: I swear to god, you're always doing this. Every time.

MARY: You know I've loved him forever. I'm sorry, that's out loud.

MARISHA: He hands each of you all a little pill container. "Now these are highly concentrated doses of honey. You only get one, so use it sparingly. If you start feeling a little edgy, start feeling your bear side to take over a little bit much, pop one of those guys in the back of your molars. You'll start feeling calm as a criminal, ha! Anyway--"

MARY: That was a good one.

MARISHA: "See, Grizz likes my jokes."

MARY: Always did, Bearsley.

DANI: I think Grizz likes a lot. See? Midnight Maven got it.

MARISHA: He loosens his tie. "And you know--"

NOELLE: I don't think that's going to get you another honey capsule, I'm sorry.

MARY: Who says that's what I want?

NOELLE: Maybe a different kind of honey capsule. I see.

MARISHA: "We've been working a little bit more on those explosive devices, those rifles that we've been telling you about."

MARY: Boom-boom sticks?

MARISHA: "The boom-boom sticks, exactly."

BRITTANY: Are they ready?

MARISHA: "They are ready. We only have three, though, so I'll let you all decide amongst yourself who would like a gun."

NOELLE: Which one of our bears has the right to bear arms?

DANI: I definitely think I need a gun.

NOELLE: I think that Drew Bearymoore definitely does not need a gun. Grizz? I don't know about this.

KRYSTINA: I believe you're one of the people we can go ahead and eliminate.

MARY: I think you need to bear one.

NOELLE: I agree.

LAURA: I think I would do very well with one. I have very small fingers.

MARY: It goes with my necklace.

NOELLE: Oh, you're right. You've got two already. What do you need another one for?

DANI: It's fine. I'm more with my fists anyway. Don't worry about--

MARY: We ought to give one to our hacker. Who's going to be out in the field more?

BRITTANY: My daddy showed me how to shoot a gun once, so I bet I'm great at it now. After one, I hit it. Whatever it was, I hit it, and it went pshew! It was beautiful.

NOELLE: I mean, with those qualifications, how can we say no?

BRITTANY: Thank you.

MARISHA: "Speaking of beautiful explosions, we also have this. It's a little experimental. We only have one that we feel comfortable releasing to you all. It's a magical bullet. It's a bullet with an enchantment. Use that wisely."

NOELLE: This enchanted bullet is ten times more powerful than normal. You're not getting this one.

LAURA: It destroys the gun when it--

MARY: I think The Midnight Maven should get that.

DANI: I trust her. She has a trustworthy face.

NOELLE: We all trust her. We shouldn't.

KRYSTINA: And very small fingers, apparently.

NOELLE: I feel it's a bad idea to trust her, but somehow--

LAURA: Better for picking berries.

DANI: See? Berries. They're so good, you guys.

MARY: Anything else, Bearsley?

MARISHA: "Last but not least, it's a little fun one that the agency has been whipping up." I actually meant to grab a prop for them, but I forgot.

NOELLE: Damn it, Bearsley.

LAURA: What is it?

NOELLE: I'd like to put it as far away as possible from the bears.

DANI and BRITTANY: Goddamn, these are cool shades.

DANI: You can see through walls.

MARISHA: X-ray sunglasses.

DANI: Side note, I have some pretty cool shades at my desk if somebody wants to grab them, and whoever wears them can have the cool shades.

KRYSTINA: Anybody within hearing distance who can make that actually happen--

DANI: But there are some that are in the building.

NOELLE: Who is that? Barney? Get us some shades. Come on. Earn your keep.

MARY: Barney! He's back in the garage, but he can hear me. Barney! Go get us the shades off of Drew's desk!

DANI: Is he talking to you? Is he talking back?

MARY: All the time.

DANI: I don't hear it!

MARY: All the time.

DANI: Is it a wavelength thing?

MARY: It's a frequency. It's a decibel level that you've got to hear.

DANI: See, it is a secret code! And you said that I was being crazy!

NOELLE: No, no one has ever said that, ever.

KRYSTINA: Darling, I believe you tell that to yourself on a daily basis.

BRITTANY: It's okay. You mean well.

DANI: I do! I really do, Clair.

NOELLE: I think our thief needs the cool shades.

BRITTANY: I would love some cool shades. Thank you. My daddy never gave me shades when I was younger.

MARY: You get that and a gun? All right.

NOELLE: Well, I mean, if the gun starts to go south, you get that gun.

MARY: All right.

MARISHA: "Now, keep in mind--"

DANI: She's also got fudge.

BRITTANY: Fudge, shades, gun. What else can a gal want?

MARISHA: Here you go. That's for the thief.


MARISHA: Those are pretty spy-tastic.

BRITTANY: I can see through walls!

DANI: Goddamn, those are some cool shades!

BRITTANY: There's so many dirty walls here! I don't know if I like that, but I'll take it.

KRYSTINA: You've got to learn to love the gifts you've been given.

BRITTANY: Bearsley. Thank you so much. Is there anything else we should know?

MARISHA: "Well, keep in mind, since you guys are all members of the High Bear Nation, it is High Bear Nation code to each have a globear positioning chip inserted inside of you. So I mean--"

DANI: I've got three of those.

MARISHA: "I mean, inserted inside of you, not in the bad way."

BRITTANY: Oh, okay. I had that one time and it was not fun.

DANI: Oh, then I only have one of those. Never mind.

MARY: What's the problem? I'll take it wherever.

MARISHA: "It's very handy. It is very handy--"

NOELLE: We're all becoming a lot more Grizz over here.

MARISHA: "-- as dirty as it sounds. If you guys get separated, you can always turn to the globear positioning system to find one another."

DANI: Amazing. Pretty nifty.

LAURA: Zut alors, that's wonderful!

MARISHA: "Zoot suit loo, very wonderful. Oh, and I should also tell you-- of course, normally, it would be about a day or so's travel to Stilben on foot, which is not really the time we have. We have one prototype of the thing that we've been whipping up."

MARY: Is this-- oh yeah.

NOELLE: She's starting to tremble.

MARISHA: "You know. You know got a-- you're special, so Grizz might have gotten a little sneak peak of the blueprints. You see, we've been investing in a local weapons manufacturer known as Ripley. They've been whipping up something new for us, and it's--" and he goes, bleep bleep! A rounded, soft-bodied coupe spy car pulls up. It's got coppery, steamy engines, a part of it shooting out the back of it. It's painted this horrible pinky-salmon color that's a little too fleshy for your comfortability. It's like, you see what they were going for. It's got racing stripes down the side of it that break up the very penis-y looking color that the car is made out of. He goes, "This here is the--"

NOELLE: I don't like that. Stop that.

DANI: Like what?

NOELLE: No, I mean it.

MARISHA: He says, "This is the Ripley Model Double-O Salmon."

KRYSTINA: Ripley's, I don't believe it.


MARY: Believe it or not, that's actually the name.

MARISHA: Double-O Salmon.

BRITTANY: That's where we are now.

NOELLE: Great.

MARISHA: "Trust this little baby, it should get you there in about an hour."

DANI: Can you actually drive this, Grizz? Is that something you can do?

MARY: I can drive anything you put in front of me. Any wheel you put me behind, I can turn and steer.

MARISHA: Speaking of putting in front of you--


DANI: Does it make noise?

NOELLE: It doesn't.

DANI: Oh, no. I still love it.

MARISHA: Just like any good car, you have to turn it on. (car noises) There it goes.

NOELLE: That is some high-tech stuff there. You're really going to trust us with the Double-O Salmon?

BRITTANY: That looks good on you.

NOELLE: All right, all right, well, don't drive off yet.

MARY: I'm just warming it up. I'm warming it up.

BRITTANY: Can we all fit in this tiny vehicle?

MARISHA: As you hit that button-- that's the music button. A compartment opens up out of the back trunk, and a swarm of bees flies out of the car. No, and more bees! Oh wait, what'd you push?

MARY: I meant to close it.

MARISHA: Okay, and then (mechanical noises) it closes off.

NOELLE: It just keeps going.

MARY: I'm sorry.

MARISHA: It'll stop eventually. I don't know. It's a kid's toy.

DANI: Question. One quick question. Why does the car have bees?

MARISHA: "Well, we thought we would arm it with some weapons for you guys--"

DANI: So you chose bees?

MARISHA: It's a swarm of bees!

BRITTANY: Honey badgers are very good at taking bee attacks. I'll be fine.

MARISHA: "It's got a few more surprises, so I'd be careful as you figure it out as you get on the road."

NOELLE: It surprises me that this is not the stop button.

MARY: I thank you for entrusting me with this fine ride.

MARISHA: "I trust you with anything, Grizz."

MARY: I cannot promise that I will bring it back in one piece.

MARISHA: "That's okay. It's a prototype."

BRITTANY: Can you feel the heat?

DANI: It's really palpable.

NOELLE: I'm going to need you two to stop.

MARISHA: "Oh, I'm sorry, it's--"

DANI: Bearsley, we will get her home safe and sound. Don't you worry.

MARISHA: "I hope so, honeys. I think that's all I've got for you."

MARY: Oh, I thought you meant me. Oh, the car, too.

MARISHA: "Well--"

DANI: No, I meant you.

MARY: No matter what occurs, I will find you.

DANI: That's so beautiful.

MARISHA: "I've got your tracking ID. All right, honeys. Go have a good mission. Any other questions before you go?"

BRITTANY: Thank you, Bearsley.

LAURA: Send you all the love.

MARISHA: "Thank you, Midnight Maven."

NOELLE: All right, we're going to go find this Penny now, I guess. Anything else we should know about her?

MARISHA: "I think you'll recognize her when you see her. She knows how to wield her sexuality. She's been--"

NOELLE: Yeah, I know Penny.

MARISHA: "Yeah, she's great."

BRITTANY: What? Tova!

MARISHA: "All right, everybody. Remember, stay together. The High Bear Nation is behind you."

BRITTANY: Thank you, Bearsley. We will not let you down.

KRYSTINA: Thank you, Bearsley. We'll see you very soon.

MARISHA: All right. One more quick-- I'll do this as Bearsley. Quick rules dump, since I haven't done that. For those of you--

DANI: Tell us more about how things work, Bearsley!

MARISHA: Yes. For those of you who are watching Honey Heist for the first time, here's how you play. All of these wonderful ladies have six points total. They are now starting with three points in criminal, and three points in their bear stat. Whenever they want to do something, I will decide if it's more of a criminal thing or more of a bear thing. They will roll a d6 and hopefully roll equal to or under their current stat. That would be a success. Above would be a failure. If a plan is going poorly, I might say that the bears are starting to get a little frustrated, and then they will have to move one point from criminal to bear. If things are going well with the heist, they might start getting a little cocky, a little greedy, and I might call for them to move a point from bear to criminal. You always want to stay in a nice, happy middle ground. If you get too far into criminal, and you get all six points there, you will go insane. You will betray the party. You will lose your mind, and bad things happen. If you get all six points in bear, you go feral. You lose your mind, and bad things start happening. If you are doing anything that is related to either your special bear skill, depending on the bear you are, or the job that you have, you get advantage, we'll call it. You get to roll 2d6 and pick the better result, probably the lower one, since you want things to be lower here.

DANI: It's almost disadvantage.

MARISHA: Yeah, it's kind of disadvantage, but it's a little backward, so yeah. One is like a nat 20, even though there's not nat 20s in this game. Oh wait! Oh my god! I almost forgot! He says, "Whoa, wait! You don't want to leave-- I almost forgot-- without your Humanoid Attention Translocation Supplies, a.k.a. your hats."


MARY: Oh my goodness!

NOELLE: I knew we would get hats!

MARISHA: Okay, roll a d8.

KRYSTINA: That's going to be a two. Please be a bowler.

MARISHA: It is a top hat.

ALL: Ooh!

MARISHA: Would you like gray or green?


LAURA: Oh that is-- that is a top hat.

MARISHA: Drew Bearymoore, roll for me.

DANI: Oh boy.

LAURA: You look like a human now.

KRYSTINA: Can you tell the difference? No one ever can.

DANI: I also rolled a two.

MARISHA: This is the classy brigade over here. You get the gray top hat.

LAURA: How is that going to fit over your--

DANI: I don't know.

NOELLE: Just jaunty style?

BRITTANY: There you go! Here, let me fix this.

DANI: Help me.

MARY: You can put your daisies and your ears on top of it, if you want.

BRITTANY: Here, take your ears off. I'm going to groom you. I will make decisions for you.

MARY: That was the game. We spent three hours accessorizing.

KRYSTINA: Sounds like a party. Get it? A paw-rty?

LAURA: We will know they are there, Drew.

BRITTANY: 20 minutes later.

MARISHA: Maven, why don't you roll for me while they figure this out.

LAURA: Four.

MARISHA: Roll one more time because that's the only hat we do not have.

LAURA: An eight.

MARISHA: You get to roll twice. Roll one more time.

LAURA: A four again. A one!

MARISHA: Okay, that we will take. You get the Indiana Jones hat.

LAURA: Oh, it says Bailey on the inside!

MARISHA: Oh my god, it's meant to be!

BRITTANY: I will roll. A six.

MARISHA: Okay, you get a fez.


MARISHA: Would you like the super Shriners-y one or the plain one?

BRITTANY: I want the Shriners one. Question me. Let's see this thing. Ow, my arm! There.


MARY: Four. Eight. Four. Seven.

MARISHA: You get the crown.

MARY: Oh! Yeah! On top of my hat.

NOELLE: You're a real princess.

MARY: Got my claw caught. Hold on.

NOELLE: You look like a very cool southern mom who's, like, going out for a bachelorette party.

MARISHA: You beat me to it! I was going to say you look like you're going to a Taylor Swift concert bachelorette party.

NOELLE: She's really cool. She's not a normal mom.

MARY: You look really good in that hat, double M.

LAURA: Thank you so much.

MARISHA: Being the face, would you like a fez, a cowboy hat, or a bowler?

NOELLE: Bowler hat.

MARISHA: Gray or green?


MARISHA: Matches your outfit.


MARISHA: Or, no, you're the Brains. I'm sorry.

NOELLE: This protects my brains.

DANI: I've never seen anything more beautiful in my entire life.

NOELLE: It's not too small for my giant head.

MARISHA: You look amazing.

DANI: I feel like we should switch because this is way too big for my head.

MARISHA: Okay. With that you are all suited up. You are ready to go.

NOELLE: Where did all these humans come from?

BRITTANY: (stilted) I don't know, Tova. Hoo-man me says, "Hi."

NOELLE: Amazing. You even talk like a human.

MARY: Clair, you have done this before. Come on now.

BRITTANY: I'm sorry.

MARY: Just settle into it.

LAURA: She's really good.

NOELLE: Do you see your hat right now?


NOELLE: It's such a good hat.

LAURA: Do I look human?

NOELLE: You really do. It's freaking me out a little bit, like, wow.

MARY: Calm your jets there, Drew.

DANI: Just saying! Don't worry about it.

MARISHA: All right. You all have your supplies. You're heading to Stilben. You have your car.

[engine revving]

NOELLE: This is so exciting.

BRITTANY: This is nice!

NOELLE: The maiden voyage of the Double-O Salmon.

LAURA: Do we all fit?

MARISHA: You all fit. It is perfectly fit for all six teammates, almost like it was built for it. As you turn on the car and slowly pull out, the garage doors open automatically, and you have nothing but open forest road ahead of you.

BRITTANY: Girls trip! Yay!

MARY: (singing) Almost heaven. West Virginia. Does it have a-- ? (air horn)

MARISHA: It does. It is a giant air horn. This is all pretty much like a steam and coal powered car.

MARY: (singing) Shenandoah River.

NOELLE: I would say turn on the radio, but I know what happened last time. So let's maybe not.

MARY: Well, that was music.

LAURA: Is there an outlet mall we can stop by on the way there?

MARY: I think so. Down by Morongo. I think there's an outlet mall down there. We can go.

LAURA: No, we probably shouldn't.

NOELLE: Look, we have a mission. This is very important. Yeah, on the way back, as a reward, we will go shopping. You can buy whatever you want. On me. All right? I have the company card. That's your reward.

MARY: Hot damn!

BRITTANY: Or I could just steal things.

NOELLE: You could, but... let's wait. Let's wait for the stealing. Little bit later.

DANI: You don't want to mix business with pleasure.

NOELLE: Well, we do it all the time but you're not supposed to. You know? It's better if you don't.

MARY: Does this thing have a GPS?

MARISHA: It does. It very closely resembles the one that Tova has. The radius isn't too far on these, so you do get a little bit of the area in front of you.

MARY: Tova, you just got to tell me which way to go and I will direct this salmon beautiful thing in that direction.

NOELLE: Do I need to do anything?

MARISHA: You know you need to head east.

NOELLE: All right. Oh, look at that. Let's go this way. Amazing technology.

MARISHA: You know, being the driver, that this does have a little bit of a speed boost option on it.

MARY: I think it's right here.

MARISHA: Hit that button.

BRITTANY: Hold on, ladies.

[engine revving]

MARY: Hold onto your butts! Woo! Yee-haw!

NOELLE: All right, Grizz.

MARISHA: It goes into Turbo Mode. You jettison down the road. You see trees flying past you.

MARY: It's flapping down my face! I stick my head out the window!

NOELLE: Grizz? Head inside.

MARY: All right.

NOELLE: Head inside.

KRYSTINA: Ladies, hold onto your hats.

DANI: I love the adrenaline!

MARY: I got this, ladies. We're fine.

NOELLE: This happens every time, I swear to god.

MARISHA: You do know that if things get out of control, the red stop button is a parachute.

NOELLE: Don't do it!

MARY: I won't do it. I got this.

MARISHA: This car has a few more tricks up its sleeve. I'll let you decide when you want to figure that out.

KRYSTINA: Is it possible for me to hack into the system and make it even more sweet?

MARISHA: Roll twice and take the lower for criminal.

KRYSTINA: I got a three.

MARISHA: That is successful. So you know--

DANI: No, you're good. You don't have to move anything.

MARISHA: You tap into the system and you can see that there are rocket launchers somewhere onboard. You're not entirely sure which side of the car because you don't know cars very well. It's Grizz Leigh's thing. You also know that there is a whole other aquatic form that this car can take. There's a lot of code in there. It talks about a salmon-mobile form.

KRYSTINA: You mean to tell me we get to have the life aquatic? I'm here for it.

MARISHA: You program a little bit more, being the badass hacker that you are, and you change the CD console to disperse some honey.

KRYSTINA: Oh, hold up. I think I've got the program right because I can sense honey.

MARISHA: You can. As a sun bear, you know.

NOELLE: She's good.

KRYSTINA: Hey, listen. You came for me, I didn't come for you.

MARY: Wow. That's a lot of coming.

DANI: Yeah, it is.

KRYSTINA: I'm a very talented bear. If you ladies would like some honey.

LAURA: Is it pouring out?

KRYSTINA: There's mini shot glasses.

MARISHA: There are. You lift open the console and there is a whole bar set up. This is a very classy--


DANI: Can we all get glasses and get a glass of honey for all of us?

MARISHA: You can. There is enough and it's handy enough. They know that you all are bears on the go. These have little lids. They're little jars that you can fill. To-go cups. You each have an extra dose of honey on you.

NOELLE: So we now have two.

MARISHA: You now have two.

KRYSTINA: I've always loved that Bearsley.

LAURA: We've got our Starbucks and our yoga pants. We are ready to go.

MARISHA: After about an hour or so of travel with the Turbo Mode of the 00 Salmon--

MARY: (singing) Eastbound and down! Loaded up and trucking.

NOELLE: Oh, I'm going to be sick.

MARISHA: The amazing country tunes of Grizz Leigh Bear keeping you entertained along the way. In the distance you see Stilben as you come around the hilly mountain road and-- where am I? Yeah. You're in Stilben. That's about it.

NOELLE: Right. I don't know how easy it is to park here, so let's keep circling until we find a spot.

DANI: I don't know if they have a whole lot of these normally. Maybe we should hide it in the woods or something?

NOELLE: Yeah. The signs are so confusing. It says we can't park on Tuesdays before six or Friday before four.

KRYSTINA: It flies. We should just park it on a roof.


KRYSTINA: I think.

NOELLE: Well, it swims.

MARY: I didn't see any flappers. What does the town look like?

MARISHA: It's a very swampy town. You went through these swampy lands as you got there. It is a bigger town, but I wouldn't call it necessarily well-to-do. It's humble. A lot of wooden cabins and it's very much a seaside swamp town.

MARY: Lots of shanties.

LAURA: We may stick out.

NOELLE: We should definitely hide the car. Camouflage.

MARY: Is there a barn on the outside or something? Is there a large structure we could park the--

MARISHA: There is a stable. You can go to a stable or there's some flat lands on the outside of the town in the swampy area if you want to try it.

NOELLE: Is there some kind of marsh bushes? We could maybe park in the bushes? Hide it a little bit and then walk in the rest of the way.

MARY: I also spy with my little eyes a stable. Should we put her in that?

NOELLE: Well, do we know if they're trustworthy?

MARY: The stable? It's very stable. I do know that.

NOELLE: The horses or whatever.

MARY: Oh, the horses.

DANI: You think those horses might rat on us?

NOELLE: They might. You can't trust a horse.

MARY: There's hay in there.

LAURA: They think they are so perfect and they are not.

DANI: They let humans ride them. It's really weird.

NOELLE: Well, as a human, you're going to have to get used to horses.

DANI and NOELLE: Right. As a human.

BRITTANY: Oh, yes.

MARY: Well, usually there's hay bales in these stables, so maybe we could park it in there and cover it up.

NOELLE: Okay. All right. Let's give it a shot.

MARY: Being that awkward penis flesh color, it might actually be even hidden better.

MARISHA: You drive up on the stable and there's a few stable hands going in and out. They seem pretty distracted at the moment and you go around the back way and there is a... stall? That's what stables are called, right? There's a stall facing backwards to the property, so there's a wall between the building that they do business at is and--

KRYSTINA: The farm office.

MARISHA: Yeah, the farm-y office.

DANI: We're taking our penis looking car through the back? Is that what you're saying?

MARISHA: Yeah. You're taking your penis car through the back.

DANI: Okay. Just checking.

NOELLE: Is this the time?

DANI: I was just asking a question.

BRITTANY: I thought it was funny.

DANI: Thanks, Clair.

NOELLE: Don't encourage her.

BRITTANY: Sorry, Tova. Sorry.

NOELLE: You're always doing this.

MARY: Before we get out, I would like to look in the glove compartment to see if there's anything we might have missed.

MARISHA: Okay, go ahead and-- yeah, you pop open the glove compartment. You see some daytime opera gloves, a user's manual for the car, and insurance papers.

MARY: All right. It's good to know she's insured.

BRITTANY: In case we get pulled over.

MARY: Got some opera gloves. Anybody's hands cold?

DANI: No, I'm okay.

BRITTANY: I'm good.

MARY: All right.

LAURA: We should take them.

NOELLE: Just in case, yeah.

MARY: Yes, absolutely. You know what? I'm going to give them to you, Double M. You all right with that?

LAURA: I would love them. Thank you so much.

MARY: Anytime, Honeypie. Here you go.

DANI: They'll look so nice on you.

LAURA: Thank you.

MARISHA: You, very slowly--

DANI: I'm enraptured by this.

MARISHA: -- back into the stall. You said you guys wanted to try and conceal it.

NOELLE: Stack some hay--

BRITTANY: I start to kick my back legs cover it with the hay like a human would do.

MARISHA: Go ahead and roll for bear.


MARISHA: It's such a slippery car. You're not used to it. It's such a rounded shape the hay keeps sliding off of it. You're not necessarily frustrated yet. I would say.

NOELLE: Is there like a big, stable blanket or something? Some burlap sacks, perhaps?

MARISHA: Roll for criminal. As the Brains, I'd say you can--


MARISHA: As the Brains I was going to say you roll with advantage.

NOELLE: Oh! Not the Brains. I fucked that up.

MARY: It doesn't mean agility. You're very smart.

DANI: No one said the Brains had to not have butter fingers.

NOELLE: No one said the Brains had to be smart.

LAURA: I don't see where it is.

NOELLE: It's gone.

LAURA: You can roll your red one again.



MARISHA: Yes! You start peeking into a few of the stalls next and you do see a big burlap canvas sheeting that they use to mat down the area and you rip it up.

NOELLE: All right. Okay. I take that and just--

LAURA: Now it looks like a sleeping horse.

NOELLE: Looks just like it. Sleep well, double salmon.

DANI: Are there any horses in the stable or is it just--

MARISHA: There's a few at the closer ones. I imagine two rows of stables. It looks like it's a very slow time. They've got maybe two horses right now in the stable? Not a lot.

NOELLE: Slow time for horses.

MARISHA: (whinnies)

LAURA: You see the way that bitch was looking at me?

DANI: Was she looking at you weird? I can go get her if you want me to.

NOELLE: Easy there, Maven.

DANI: You need me to go punch the horse in the face?

NOELLE: Now, let's-- We're not here for the horses. All right? Maven? We're leaving the horses alone. All right? They do look like bitches, but we're going to leave them alone. All right?

MARISHA: (snorts) They flick their tail.

NOELLE: Now, ma'am. We'll be on our way. Sorry for the inconvenience.

DANI: I flex a little bit at the horse, intimidate it.

NOELLE: No. Nope.

MARISHA: The horse turns and shows you its ass. Lifts its tail. How horses do that.

BRITTANY: Delicious.

NOELLE: All right, we need to leave the stable now. Let's go.

KRYSTINA: I'll give you something to neigh about.

MARISHA: Tova leads you all out you--

DANI: I'm going to stay back. Make sure to bodyguard it and keep a perimeter look.

MARISHA: Okay. Roll for criminal? Hmm. Roll for-- I don't know. Yeah, roll for criminal to see if you notice anybody.

DANI: Oh! Yeah. I got a two.

MARISHA: Okay, you see a few kiosks running like a farmers stand in the distance. It is starting to become that sunset-y hour like around 5:00. It seems like people are starting to pack up. People are a little distracted heading home from work.

DANI and MARISHA: They're tired. They're over it.

DANI: It's Monday.

MARISHA: Yeah. It sucks, man.

DANI: (whispering) I feel. Anyway.

BRITTANY: We're looking for the Sunset Stride, is that correct?

MARISHA: Mm-hmm.

NOELLE: Well, it's the perfect time for that.

LAURA: Let's go for a stroll.

NOELLE: Let's do it.

BRITTANY: Walking like humans.

DANI: Very normally.

MARISHA: Okay. (laughs)

NOELLE: I should know how to do this better. Half the time I am a dwarf.

BRITTANY: I'm leading the pack, but I shouldn't be.

NOELLE: Yeah, you get in the back.

LAURA: I'll lead the way.

NOELLE: Yes, you're the face. Face forward.

MARISHA: Go ahead and roll for criminal to see if you're making a convincing approach.

LAURA: Can I get advantage because I'm the face?

MARISHA: Yes, you can. Then who wants to roll to try and scout the Sunset Stride?

MARY: Sure, I'll do it.

MARISHA: It's the driver, go ahead.

LAURA: I rolled very poorly.


LAURA: Failed.


MARY: Oh, snake eyes.

MARISHA: Ooh, okay! Right as Grizz Leigh is like, "I think I see a sign that says the Sunset Stride," you hear a guard go, "Hey! Hey, is that--"

LAURA: (growls)

MARISHA: "Are those raccoons? Oh shit, we got bears! I think we got bears!"

DANI: Oh no!

MARISHA: He takes off running.

NOELLE: Let's go! We've got to make this quick.

LAURA: I thought we looked like humans!

DANI: Our hats are so great!

NOELLE: I don't know where we went wrong!

BRITTANY: With my fast little feet, I run after him. I run up and try and catch him in the butt.

MARISHA: Okay. You're a honey badger, so you have carnage. Roll twice, and roll for bear.

BRITTANY: Okay. Mmm, double fours!


BRITTANY: Double fours!

MARISHA: As he's running, you miss completely and you fly past him and he goes, "Ah!!"

BRITTANY: Oh no! I'm sorry!

NOELLE: See if you can buy his silence with fudge.

BRITTANY: Oh no. Would you you like some of my daddy's fudge?

MARISHA: He goes, "Aww, they've gotten in the trash again!"

BRITTANY: Oh nuts, I promise it's good!

MARISHA: He starts going, "Get," kicking at you.

MARY: Is there a distraction?

NOELLE: Is the Sunset Stride nearby?

MARISHA: She is currently acting as a distraction, and the rest of you guys--

NOELLE: Everyone into the tavern, come on.

MARISHA: You guys all sneak around--

BRITTANY: That was my plan all along!

DANI: Clair, come back to us!

BRITTANY: I'll see you later!

NOELLE: Come on, Clair.

BRITTANY: Oh, okay.

MARISHA: Roll again for bear as you try to escape-- roll for criminal as you try to escape.

BRITTANY: Just one?



DANI: Clair!

BRITTANY: I'm sorry!

MARISHA: He goes, (cry of effort) and punts you. You go flying into the bushes. Unfortunately, this is a little frustrating, and you move a point from criminal into bear. The distraction did more or less work, and he has run off. You are now alone.

BRITTANY: I dust myself off, fix my fez, and I saunter humanly back into the Sunset Stride.

NOELLE: Everyone inside, everyone inside.

BRITTANY: I'm sorry girls, it won't happen again. I'm sorry, it won't happen again. I'm so sorry.

KRYSTINA: And they say we're savages.

MARISHA: It's a pretty slow night in the Sunset Stride. You see a few people at a two-seater in the corner, you see another group at a booth over here, a few people playing poker, and behind the bar is a woman named Miss Honey Penny. She's dressed like a typical barmaid, she's got shelf boob going on, she's trying to go for those tips. She's got a nice darker complexion with rich brunette hair that she has piled up in a big messy bun on the top of her head to get it out of her face. She looks over at you guys, has that look of awareness, and goes, "A round on the bar!" and starts pouring up shots. Everyone goes, "Woo?"

MARY: I sneak around the outskirts of the bar while everyone is distracted looking on the bar.

MARISHA: Okay, you're going to go around towards the back?

MARY: Yeah.

MARISHA: Cool. You slip out, you go around, you see a cellar stockroom and there is a little

small, cramped back door entryway. Right as you go to open it, she comes over and cracks the door.

MARY: Hi, Honey.

LAURA: Penny.

NOELLE: Oh hey there, Honey Penny. Fancy seeing you here. Yeah, it's been a while.

MARISHA: "It has."

LAURA: What does Penny look like? I mean, never mind, is she human or is she a bear?

MARISHA: She is human, but you know that she shares similar talents to you, depending on certain full moons and moisture in the air.

DANI: There's a mystery here and I'm here for it.

MARISHA: "We've bonded in the past over her."

DANI: Is that what they call it?

NOELLE: It is what they call it, actually.

MARISHA: "That's what we call it."

NOELLE: Thank you for asking. It went very well.

DANI: Good!

MARY: You and her, or you and her, or you and you?

NOELLE: All of us.

KRYSTINA: You and who else, Tova?

NOELLE: Yeah, well, you know. What?!

MARISHA: "Come inside." She ushers you all inside. You're all sitting around cases of wine and there's a few standing kegs and wine barrels that you all prop yourself up on. "I'm assuming you guys are in town because of the balootonium problem?"

MARY: Yep.

NOELLE: That's right. What have you seen?

MARISHA: "Well, I mean, see things every night here in Stilben, but there has been one guy that's been calling attention to everybody in town. He goes by the name of Crispin Glover?"


NOELLE: I don't like the sound of him.

BRITTANY: Oh, he sounds real spooky.

KRYSTINA: Is he a tall fellow?

DANI: Is he very thin?

MARISHA: Very tall, very thin. He's got this greasy, slicked back black hair."

BRITTANY: Would you say that he's a clowny-clown clown?

MARISHA: "A little goofy, a little weird. He seems really convinced on letting people know he's Crispin Glover. I think he thinks we're supposed to know who he is."

MARY: Is it our density to find him?

DANI: Yes, I was waiting for it!

MARISHA: "I think he's behind a lot of this. He seemed like just another whacko that stumbled in the bar, and then one night after a few drinks, he started rambling about some pack of bears that was harassing him."

NOELLE: Don't know anything about that.

MARY: But he is human right?

MARISHA: "He is a human. He is wearing--"

MARY: Does he have any of these other properties to make him not look human?

MARISHA: "Not that I'm aware of. I mean, he wears this really weird black suit this black-on-black suit all that time? It's like he's always in black suits."

MARY: That's very Johnny Cash.

BRITTANY: Is he alone when he comes in? Is he alone, or is he with a posse?

MARISHA: "He tends to be alone, although I've seen him look over his shoulder thinking that maybe he's been followed. I honestly didn't think anything of it."

KRYSTINA: What's the general response in the bar?

MARISHA: "Similar dis-ease and discomfort."

KRYSTINA: But is every girl in the bar crazy about this sharp dressed man?

MARISHA: "They seemed to be driven crazy by his mysterious presence. Not because I think they find him attractive, but because they want to know genuinely why he keeps telling them that he's Crispin Glover."

NOELLE: I think if anyone has a shot with him, it's this bear in a fancy hat.

BRITTANY: What's his favorite drink to order?

MARISHA "He always orders whiskey."

MARY: Does he have a specific aroma?

MARISHA: "Hmm, like very expensive cologne that I've never smelled before."

DANI: Does it smell nice or does it smell bad?

MARISHA: It smells chemical-y. It's nothing I've really ever smelled before."

KRYSTINA: Does it smell as if it is more of a body spray than a cologne?

MARISHA: "Hmm, if I knew what aerosols were I would think that there might be some of this in that, yeah."

NOELLE: Now, Penny, have you been around balootonium before? Up close, I mean.

MARISHA: "I think I have, but I have been unaware."

NOELLE: Would you be able to compare this scent of balootonium to the scent of this man's cologne?

LAURA: You are so smart! She is so smart!

DANI: She is the brains.

MARISHA: "That is actually an interesting point that I never thought about before. He did have a strange odor, but if he had balootonium on him at the time, I was unaware. But yeah, now that you mention it, I'd say it's highly likely."

NOELLE: Do you have any idea where we can find this fellow?

MARISHA: "Yeah, he's been spending a lot of times at the docks. He has this strange looking boat? It looks very high-tech; a lot of steam and copper-powered motors that I've never really seen. He's been prepping it for the last few days. I don't know where he's going, but--"

BRITTANY: Where is it docked?

LAURA and MARISHA: At the docks.

BRITTANY: Is it outside? Is it nearby?

MARISHA: "It is nearby. Honestly, I could probably stick my head out of this window and throw a penny and hit it. You're pretty close."

DANI: Do you have a lot of pennies, Penny?

MARISHA: "I do have a lot of pennies, how did you know?"

DANI: It was a total guess!

MARISHA: "Does she do this? What is it that she does?"

NOELLE: We think her eyes-- they gaze right into your soul. She just knows things.

LAURA: Then slightly to the side of your soul as well.

NOELLE: But if you ask her for a berry, she always has a berry.

MARY: Does the boat have a name?

MARISHA: "Not that I'm aware of. I don't know, he's been rambling about this pack of bears, so as soon as I heard that, I thought it was potentially linked to the Bear Acuda. He might be an informant of Hattori Bongo's, I'm not sure. That was my first thought: he seems like he got caught up in something that he didn't necessarily understand and now he's stuck in a crappy situation."

LAURA: Did you already say what color the boat is?

MARY: It was coppery, right?

MARISHA: "It's got coppery implements on it."

LAURA: Is it also kind of a penis color?

MARISHA: "It's not a penis color, no, but it looks like it was a steel that they tried to paint, but it didn't necessarily take. It seems like it's been on the water a little bit."

DANI: Why would you choose penis color, though? If you're going to paint something, why not white?

MARISHA: "I don't know."

DANI: It's weird.

MARY: Some people like that color.

NOELLE: Can't relate. Let's go find the boat!

MARY: Let's go find a boat!

BRITTANY: Penny, thank you so much.

MARISHA: "Thank you guys. Good luck."

MARY: Hey, Pen. Do you have any honey mead?

MARISHA: It's good asking; she does--

(excited exclamations)

MARISHA: If you figured it out. She pours a little glass for each of you.

NOELLE: Can always count on you for the honey mead, Honey Penny.

MARISHA: "You know I get it stocked."

NOELLE: You're the best around-- I don't know why I was miming having a cup when I have a cup.

BRITTANY: I'm going to offer you my daddy's famous fudge.

MARISHA: "Wait, is that the McFuzz's Famous Fudge?"

BRITTANY: You're right, Penny, you're right. Would you like one?

MARISHA: "Man, I would love some."

DANI: They fudge it up right.

BRITTANY: They fudge it up right. If my tiny badger arms could move more, I would give it to you.

NOELLE: This seems like a bit of a flaw for the thief.

MARISHA: "It feels a little awkward."

BRITTANY: Here, take one, pass it down, please.

MARY: It's so dang good.

MARISHA: That's actually really good.

BRITTANY: Just get a taste. It's my daddy's favorite recipe. It's good. We fudge it up right.

NOELLE: You sure do fudge it up right.

LAURA: Mm-hmm.

KRYSTINA: I apologize, I'm on a bit of a honey diet at the moment.

BRITTANY: Oh, I understand. It's all right.

MARY: Okay, Penny, is there anything else you can tell us?

MARISHA: (sighs) "If you get into trouble, you know where to find me."

DANI: Here?

MARISHA: "Yeah, here."

DANI: Yes!

NOELLE: Good guess.

MARISHA: "Until the bar closes."

DANI: I'm really good at this.

BRITTANY: What time is it now?

MARISHA: Probably six o'clock by now.

BRITTANY: The sun might be going down now, okay.

MARY: Seeing as we're not the most inconspicuous at the moment, is there a back alley that you might direct us to?

MARISHA: "There is. I'll let you out this back way, if you hang a right, follow the trash line, it'll pop you right back out the back way, where the sewers go."

MARY: Ooh, sewers! Do you have any old tablecloths or bags we can cover this ol' fur for us, just a little bit?

MARISHA: "Got a few empty burlap sacks."

MARY: Burlap sacks?

MARISHA: "Mm-hmm."

DANI: I don't want to wear a sack.

NOELLE: I know! Why would you hide this figure with a sack?

MARY: I understand that, but sometimes we need to be incognito, yo.

NOELLE: We've got our hats.

LAURA: Do humans wear burlap sacks a lot?

MARISHA: "Beggars do, I think."

DANI: I don't want to be a beggar, though.

BRITTANY: We'll blend in.

MARISHA: "Well, here. I was going to throw it away, anyway."

MARY: I'll put it over my shoulder in case we need it.

NOELLE: All right.

DANI: Maybe if we need to tie somebody up and put them in the sack, that would be cool.

MARY: How many sacks have I gotten? Two, three, one?

MARISHA: Hmm-- huh?

MARY: How many sacks did I just get?

MARISHA: She handed you two, we'll say two sacks. Two leftover grain sacks.

DANI: Hey, Penny? This is a weird question, but I--

MARISHA: "From you? No!"

DANI: Actually, it's probably a pretty normal question for me, now that I think about it. Do you have any rope?

MARISHA: "I don't think I do, I'm sorry."

LAURA: I cannot get this fudge off these gloves.

BRITTANY: Sorry, they are a little sticky.

MARISHA: She throws her barmaid's wipey-thing.

NOELLE: Oh no, it's dissolving the gloves.

KRYSTINA: Everyone knows gloves aren't for eating. They're for keeping your bear paws off of things. Or to leave a print.

MARISHA: "You must be the hacker."

KRYSTINA: I am, actually.

MARISHA: "I used to do that a little bit, back in my days at the High Bear Nation. I miss it."

KRYSTINA: Well, you know, it's just like Bear-dapest all over again.


MARISHA: "Good days, good days."

KRYSTINA: I tell you, it takes me back. It really does. They wouldn't understand Bear-dapest.

NOELLE: Ah, she's always going on about Bear-dapest.

MARY: You dropped that name on the floor, there. Might want to pick that up.

KRYSTINA: Oh, I'm sorry, did you not have time in Bear-dapest?

MARY: No-- you dropped it again. You might want to pick that up again.

KRYSTINA: You know what else I dropped there? Lots of memories and time that I'll never regain.

MARY: Aww, that's okay! Maybe we can knock it back into you.

KRYSTINA: Maybe I can explain to you all the things that your car does that you don't quite know about yet.

MARY: That would be very exciting if you did. That would probably help the whole crew and our entire mission. If you want to take this outside, I've got no problem with--

NOELLE: All right, girls, girls--

KRYSTINA: Would you like to bring it down to bear paws? Because I've got fisticuffs aplenty.

NOELLE: Put your bear paws away! We are on the hunt for Crispin Glover!

KRYSTINA: Can I just say, I like you?

MARY: I like you too. I like somebody who stands up to me; makes me feel good! Not many people do, to be honest.

BRITTANY: Can you feel the steam?

MARY: Goddamn steam, what is wrong with you?

BRITTANY: I'm sorry, I ship everyone. I'm sorry!

MARY: You've got a head full of fudge, young lady. I don't know what you're thinking.

KRYSTINA: Do you ever look at the two of them and wonder how we ended up on the same team?

MARY: (chuckles) I think you and I are bookending it, just to keep them in line.

BRITTANY: There's a boat outside. Do we want to wait until more nightfall? Do humans go to bed at certain times?

NOELLE: I think we shouldn't let it get too late. I guess we're bears, so we can see pretty well in the dark.

MARISHA: Yeah, you'll do okay. You're fine.

LAURA: It is harder to see shapes at dusk.

NOELLE: I really thought we were pulling it off. There was that one guy, but--

DANI: Everyone else seemed to be totally fine with us.

NOELLE: I think we're doing a good job.

LAURA: Do you have any tips to make us look more human?

MARISHA: "Honestly, I feel like the more human you look in this town, the weirder you're going to stand out. There's some weird people who come through here. Just act like a crazy homeless guy and no one will pay any attention."

NOELLE: Maybe we should have taken more burlap sacks.

MARY: That's all right. We've got three.

LAURA: (bear growling)

NOELLE: That was good.

LAURA: I was trying to say hello. Did it work?

NOELLE: It did. It was great.

MARISHA: "It was pretty good, actually."

MARY: Do we need to go through the sewers, or can we turn right and head straight down to the docks?

MARISHA: "No, you'll see a gutter. Follow the gutter full of shit."

MARY: That we can do.

MARISHA: "Dumps right into the ocean."

MARY: I've done that many times in my life, and I have no problem with it whatsoever.

MARISHA: "That's why you make a damn good agent."

DANI: Because she's okay with shit?

MARY: No, because I know how to follow shit to get to the good stuff.

LAURA: To the boats!

MARISHA: "Cheers, honeys."

NOELLE: Honey Penny, you are a treasure, as always. Thank you for this. After this is over, maybe I'll come back and get another drink with you.

MARISHA: "You know where to find me."

NOELLE: Always do.

MARY: I felt steam there. I did feel some steam.

NOELLE: I have no idea what you're talking about. Strictly professional.

BRITTANY: I start walking towards the shit alley, humanly.

MARISHA: Honey Penny lets you out. She leans, does a double-take, makes sure that the coast is clear, and lets you all slip out in the back alley. You do find a shit gutter where everyone is dumping from their buildings, sliding out. Yeah, very medieval, a lot of falling poo. It seems to do this downhill grade and pops out right behind the docks.

NOELLE: Let's go. Follow the shit, get to the good stuff.

BRITTANY: Hold your nose.

DANI: We smell so well because we're bears.

NOELLE: Yeah, but bears-- they're used to shit. Shit in the woods. There's lots of shit in the woods.

BRITTANY: How many boats are in this dock?

MARISHA: There's probably about half a dozen boats right now. There's a couple that are up close. It looks like fishermen coming back, unloading their supplies.

MARY: Fish? There's fish?

MARISHA: Yes, there are fish.

MARY: That's good to know.

MARISHA: There's a couple boats that look inactive, like they've been there for a little bit and no one's really used them. There's one boat that looks a little bit more well-to-do, like it's more of a socializing and luxury boat than a utility boat, and then you do see one other boat that has the copper detailing and pipes coming out the back of it. It's a little bit tinier; it's got a pointed front. It's different than a boat you've ever really seen before.

MARY: Which boat is right next to el copper-o?

MARISHA: The copper one is actually separated and off at the very end.

NOELLE: Is there any cover nearby? Crates or shipping containers?

MARISHA: There are. There's a lot of shipping containers scattered all along.

NOELLE: I say we sneak close and we hide behind the crates and try and get a closer look. Maybe you can use your special goggles-- glasses. Shades.

BRITTANY: We're standing by some crates, right? I first look at the crates because I want to thieve these crates. What's inside the crates?

MARISHA: The first crate you see, once again, a lot of grains, a lot of fruits. Looks like it was a general food supply that's been coming from-- not a lot of fruits that you recognize; a little bit more exotic, tropical fruits.

BRITTANY: Weird tropical fruits. I don't know what that is. I look at one more crate, next to it.

MARISHA: The other one looks like it has a lot of a sulfuric-- you actually are familiar with this because you have seen it before, based on being in the High Bear Nation; it is gunpowder.

BRITTANY: Oh my goodness. Well, I want to break right into that.

MARISHA: Okay. Roll for bear. Oh wait, no, you're the thief! Sorry, roll for thief twice. Roll twice, take the lowest.

BRITTANY: For criminal or bear?

MARISHA: For criminal, yes.

MARY: Come on, Clair-bear!

BRITTANY: No! Double sixes!

NOELLE: This is going so well.

MARISHA: You think you can break a weak point in the cross-braces, and you punch the shit out of this crate.

BRITTANY: Honey badger don't give a fuck!

MARISHA: You hear a little bit of a crack and the wood does not move, and your partners think--

DANI: Are you trying to punch something? Do you need help?

MARISHA: They look a little distressed.

BRITTANY: Now I look at the boat.

DANI: Do you want me to punch that for you? Because I'm real good at it.

KRYSTINA: Have you ever realized the actual size of your paws?

DANI: I saw her punch something, and now I want to punch it. Can I try?

MARISHA: You can try. Roll twice, take the lowest.

BRITTANY: There's totally gunpowder in this barrel.

NOELLE: Well, I assume we have our own.

DANI: I also failed.

MARISHA: Oh! The rest of you, you first see Clair do it, and then you see Drew-- seemingly trying to follow the person before her-- also punch and crack the shit out of your knuckles. Unfortunately, you're starting to get a little frustrated at this, so if each of you will move one point from criminal to bear.

MARY: How heavy is this crate?

MARISHA: Pretty heavy.

NOELLE: We're not looking at the crate necessarily. We're looking at the boat. We're hiding being the crate.

BRITTANY: I look to the boat to see if there's anybody inside the boat.

MARISHA: You don't see anybody inside, but you do see, through the boat, a complex steam engine contraption. It looks a little similar to what you have, and you also see one small, medium-sized crate, shoebox-sized crate, and a few other satchels.

BRITTANY: All right, I see some satchels. I see some contraptions of the boat-- its interior-- and I see a shoebox-sized crate of some sort in the middle of the boat? The headquarters. I think that's it. Do I see hoomans or other such creatures?

MARISHA: You don't see anybody yet, but at this point, when you are looking at the boat, Tova, your globear positioning system (slow beeping). As you look at it, you see a little red tracker that is moving across the screen and towards the docks, towards the boat that you are looking at.

LAURA: (gasps) Type in Crispin Glover and see if it goes to him.

NOELLE: Does it work?

MARISHA: It does! Sure enough, as you type in Crispin Glover and it goes (fast beeping), you look through the crates, and you see a tall, thin man in a dark black suit pass through the crates. He's carrying another satchel and looking a little hasty. Through the gap in the crates. He's not moving physically through the crates. He is not incorporeal. He just passes by them.

NOELLE: You've always got to watch out for ghosts.

DANI: Ghost Crispin Glover sounds like a lot.

NOELLE: I feel like that's what he was born for: to be a ghost.

BRITTANY: He has a satchel?

MARISHA: He has a little satchel and he looks harried, yes. He goes over to the boat, the steam-looking one, and he starts throwing stuff in.

NOELLE: Should we kidnap him?

LAURA: Maybe I can seduce him.

NOELLE: You should seduce him!


LAURA: What should I try to do?

NOELLE: Maybe pretend to be lost and then--

MARY: Just show him your face! I mean, damn!

LAURA: All right!

BRITTANY: Use your hips!

LAURA: I step out from behind the crates.

MARISHA: Okay. He doesn't seem to notice you.

LAURA: (throat clearing) (growling)

NOELLE: She is a damn fine woman.

MARISHA: He's hunched over. He turns and he goes, "Who's there?"

LAURA: I move my gloved hand down my side and turn and wiggle my booty. (growling)

MARISHA: He rubs his eyes. It's getting a little dark. "Yeah? Are you here to help me?"

LAURA: (growling) Oui.

MARISHA: He moves a little closer. Roll for face.

MARY: Come on, face!

LAURA: Oh no.

DANI: Have we succeeded on anything yet?

MARISHA: He gets a little bit closer and goes, "Oh no! More bears!" He turns and he runs and he jumps in the speedboat.

LAURA: I chase after him!

NOELLE: Tova's going to run also and chase after him.

MARISHA: Okay. You do get a little frustrated at this. Move one point from criminal to bear. Yep. He jumps in the boat and is turning it on. Roll for bear as you chase after him.


NOELLE: I jump into the boat with him and grab him by the collar.

MARISHA: Okay. He feels you grab by the collar and he doesn't care. He steps on the gas and he takes off.

LAURA: I was going after him too. Did I make it? Did I jump to the boat before--

MARISHA: Roll for bear. Just one this time.

LAURA: No, I didn't!

MARISHA: Unfortunately, you go and you're right behind Tova and as you make a leap for it, the boat goes right out from under you. It's a lot faster than you anticipated and none of you have ever seen a boat this fast.

NOELLE: Tova's going to take the globear positioning system and toss it to the shore, to the nearest person nearby-- bear.

DANI: It would probably have been Maven, yeah.

MARISHA: Let's roll for bear. Bear to throw? I don't know.

NOELLE: Shit! Six.

MARISHA: It goes a little bit wild. It doesn't land in the water, but it does hit the ground. Hopefully it's okay.

NOELLE: Okay. All right.

MARISHA: You would know from hacking that the 00 Salmon has an auto-drive ability that will come to you when summoned.

KRYSTINA: Do I have a little tablet?

MARISHA: She would have to help you.

KRYSTINA: Darling, I think it is time to call the bill.

MARY: Abso-fricking-lutely! I pull out the little fob--

MARISHA: You pull out the key fob.

MARY: -- that I've been holding between my butt cheeks, because my fur don't come with pockets. What do I hit?

KRYSTINA: Well, the number you got to hit is 867-5309.

MARISHA: Sure enough. (bubbling) (motor revving) It pulls up into the water and it is in full salmon mode. It is in the water. It looks kind of like a fish, but also kind of like a car, but also kind of like a boat.

DANI: But also kind of like a penis?

MARISHA: But also still kind of like a penis.

KRYSTINA: If you'd like to make it go to the utmost speed, you need to hit 777-9311

MARY: 777-9311. All right.

MARISHA: You actually already know the hot button for this. If you hit forward on that shift, you will get max speed.

MARY: All right! Who's coming?

DANI: Wait! Did you grab the thing?

LAURA: Of course! Here it is! I found it on the floor.

BRITTANY: I hop in the back seat.

MARISHA: Okay. You guys all pile in. You see Tova and Crispin Glover probably about 500 feet ahead of you and they are getting away.

LAURA: Bearah! Does it work still?

NOELLE: Is he driving this boat right now?

MARISHA: He is driving this boat. You've got him in a chokehold and he's doing one of these maneuvers. He's swerving back and forth. It is actually causing him to veer off-path to give these guys time to catch up.

NOELLE: Okay. Can I try and scare him into not driving the boat anymore?

MARISHA: Sure. Roll for your terrify ability.

MARY: Do it!

MARISHA: With advantage. Oh no!

NOELLE: Ladies, we're having a rough day.

MARISHA: Unfortunately, you are getting a little frustrated that this situation is happening. You need to move a point into bear, away from criminal.

MARY: I'm going to fricking floor it.

MARISHA: Okay. You hit that green turbo button and (revving). The fish comes up, the front end of it out of the water, and it's skipping on the waves a little bit. You are gaining pretty close to Crispin Glover. I'd say you're probably only 20 feet behind him now.

LAURA: I stand up and get ready to jump to the boat as soon as we get close enough.

MARISHA: Okay, so you're readying. Give me a driver roll to see if you can get close enough for the Maven to jump on.

MARY: I can do it with advantage, right?

MARISHA: You do it with advantage.

MARY: Three!

MARISHA: You succeed. You see what the Maven is trying to do. You've pulled this cool train jump situation before.

MARY: You got it, Mamacita! I'm coming right at you. Here I go, right upside.

MARISHA: Grizz pulls around. You see how Crispin is bobbing and weaving and you time it just right. You pull up beside him right as he's pulling and you guys are boom, right next to each other.

LAURA: I leap!

MARISHA: Roll for bear!

MARY: Come on now, mama!

LAURA: Goddamn it. I land in the water.

MARISHA: Are you serious?!

NOELLE: All right. Someone hurry. I'm holding on, but I can't hold much longer.

MARISHA: The Maven misses. You get the boat a little bit, and you fly off the back and you catch a rope. You are now flying off of the back of Crispin Glover's speedboat.

LAURA: I'm going to try to lift myself up so I am skiing.

MARISHA: Okay. Roll for bear. Bear? Do bears ski?



MARISHA: The Maven is successfully skiing. It was a good plan. You get to move a point from bear back into criminal. What are the rest of you all doing?

KRYSTINA: Is there any way I can hack into the system and make sure that we go a little bit faster?

MARISHA: Yes. Roll for hacker. Roll twice. Take the lowest.

KRYSTINA: That's a three.

MARISHA: You have three? Is three what you have in your criminal points?

KRYSTINA: Absolutely.

MARISHA: You succeed. (revving) It takes off and you are now in front of Crispin Glover and he's having a hard time getting around you guys. You are successfully cutting him off.

LAURA: I'm going to start pulling myself up by the rope to get closer to the boat.

MARISHA: Roll for bear.

MARY: Come on, Maven!

MARISHA: You're a black bear. You're good at climbing, right? Roll twice.

LAURA: I succeeded anyway.

MARISHA: You succeeded.

LAURA: Oh, but I got a two on that one! Lower.

MARISHA: This is your specialty. You were an Olympic climber back in the day. You climb up on that rope and you are now on the back of the boat. You see Tova having him in a headlock.

NOELLE: He's slender, but he's weirdly strong.

LAURA: I go to grapple his legs to help out.

MARISHA: Okay. Roll for bear again.

LAURA: Oh no! Oh shit.

MARISHA: He hits a wave and you bounce and you get thrown into the back of the seat.

MARY: I want to continue to try. Now I would like to use the speed to slowly start nudging him and start bouncing up against him in the boat and slowly start to turn him.

MARISHA: Okay. You successfully do so. You already rolled really well on that. You start knocking him and turning him around a little bit. He's looking really freaked out.

MARY: I continue to turn in a circle to try to get him to slow the fuck down!

DANI: As she's doing this, I'm going to pick up Clair and throw her at his face.

MARISHA: Roll twice because you have advantage being the muscle.

BRITTANY: I'm going against bear?

MARISHA: She is rolling. Yes.

DANI: I got a one! Yes!


MARISHA: Have you seen that Youtube video of the monkey that throws the raccoon and the raccoon does that? You take Clair, she flies. Clair, you smack right across Crispin Glover's face. Your belly is wrapped around his head. Roll for carnage.

BRITTANY: Two or one? Two?

MARISHA: Two. Take the better option.


MARISHA: Yes! You start clawing at his eyes. He's screaming bloody murder. You get his right eye and gouge it completely out.

BRITTANY: Can I keep the eye?

MARISHA: You can keep the eye. Yeah. About that time he recognizes that things are going poorly and he goes (groaning) and he hits a button on the dashboard. That's all. Now what? He's still fighting Clair after he pushed the button.

DANI: What are we going to do?

MARY: Has the boat started to decelerate at all now that he is totally distracted?

MARISHA: It is. He has pretty much come to a complete stop.

MARY: Then I am going to continue to block his forward motion. I am going to go like that.

MARISHA: Okay. He is completely halted. He is completely stopped. There is a moment of silence.

MARY: Come on, hacker! Get in the damn boat!

KRYSTINA: I'm coming! I'm running and I'm jumping and I'm trying to get into the boat, and I make it! I finally make my way onto the boat and it's all the buttons and I'm trying to-- I don't know if I make it because I didn't roll!

MARISHA: Luckily the boats are right next to each other and they are not moving, so you easily climb over into the boat.

KRYSTINA: I'm easily in the boat. I get over. I try to press the buttons and try to figure out what we've got going on here. The globear positioning system is telling me so much crazy stuff. I don't know what to read!

MARISHA: Okay. You try and hack into his speedboat. Roll for hacker. Take the lower one.

KRYSTINA: That's a one.

MARISHA: Ooh! You successfully hack into his boat. This code looks really familiar. You've already seen this code once. You recognize it from the 00 Salmon. What you also recognize is that this car has a distress beacon on it. As you realize this, as you look at the globear positioning system you see (beeping) You see four little signals start coming your way.

LAURA: Oh no! I want to find the shoebox.

MARISHA: Okay. You find the shoebox. You try and open it. It is locked.

MARY: Take it! Put it in our boat.

LAURA: I grab the box. I grab the satchels. I grab everything that I can.

MARY: Back to the phallic salmon!

KRYSTINA: I'd like to set off the bees.

MARISHA: Okay! You reach over into the console and you hit the button and boof, a swarm of bees erupts. You successfully come over. You've got the satchels, you've got the box, you're still around Crispin Glover's head. As you look up, and as you look up, and you're still distracted, but you still see as well, you see four other speedboats coming towards you, breaking the horizon.

MARY: We've got company!

BRITTANY: I got his eye! Let's go!

DANI: Come on, Clair!

NOELLE: I'm going to push Crispin into the cloud of bees and jump back onto the Salmon.

MARISHA: He goes, "Ah! No! Why?!" He starts freaking the fuck out. He's not having a good day.

MARY: Someone grab the key before we go!

KRYSTINA: I'd also like to hit the brake very hard to send Crispin flying off.

MARISHA: He's already stopped. He is in a swarm of bees with one eye, not knowing what's happening.

NOELLE: Back in the Salmon, girls. We've got to blow this joint.

MARISHA: You all pile into the Salmon. You take off.

NOELLE: Grizz. I'm going to need you to drive faster than you've ever driven in your life.

MARY: You just tell me where, my lady, and I'm there.

NOELLE: Anywhere but here.

MARY: Got it.

NOELLE: Let's go.

MARISHA: You bust forward deeper into the ocean. You see four speedboats coming right at you. You hit maximum speed trying to blow right past them.

MARY: Does this thing have anything else I could use? Smoke, oil, something?

NOELLE: We've got those rocket launchers.

KRYSTINA: Oh, we do have the rocket launchers. You know what I do have?

MARY: What?

KRYSTINA: I've got a gun.

MARISHA: You all have guns and it does have a rocket launcher. If you hit forward on that black shift button, which you do, it goes (whooshing). From the front headlights, it flips open and two warheads come flying out. They hit two of the boats in the distance. They go flying. You see an explosion. Parts go flying everywhere. Oil slicks in the ocean. You see the two other boats veer away from this to try and avoid it.

MARY: Salmon penis, I love you!


LAURA: We'll get our guns out, yes.

MARISHA: As you guys are now ahead of them, the two boats do a big 180 and are now on your tail as they are chasing you all.

LAURA: Clair!


LAURA: Look at these satchels and this box and see what is in them!

BRITTANY: Okay, one second. I rolled up my sleeves. Things are serious now. I look inside the satchel and the shoebox crate. What is it? What's inside?

MARISHA: In the satchel is a bunch of random knick knacks that look like he's picked up trash off of the street.

BRITTANY: Crispin Glover!

MARISHA: Yeah, just super weird. There is a folded note and another black suit. It's almost a bug-out bag.

BRITTANY: I reach inside the satchel and I pull out the note. With my bear eyes, I try to read it.


DANI: Can we read English?

MARISHA: You know English a little bit. What you get--

BRITTANY: My time at the fudge factory taught me many things.

MARISHA: Yes, you know how to put the food safety hazards and the ingredients on the sides of boxes.

BRITTANY: Yes I do. I am super safe certified.

MARISHA: From that knowledge, what you glean, this letter looks like scrawlings from a madman. Looks like there were coordinates and algorithms and equations that look like he was trying to figure something out. As you turn a page, you see a diary entry, and it talked about him being an interdimensional being.


MARY: What the hell?

MARISHA: Then he says, "This happens to me all the time. I get sucked into weird realms, and people keep saying I'm an actor, and no one wants to listen to me when I say I'm stuck in a creative landscape! They think I'm some sort of weird creative genius. I'm not with any side. I just want to get out of this fantasy realm. Get me out! I'm just trying to avoid the bears!" It goes on, and it talked about more ramblings about how he's being stalked by bears. Then he says he can't believe that there would be such a dextrous group of bears, known as the High Bear Nation.

DANI: That's us!

MARISHA: And that they promised him some balootonium and said that, if properly used, it could get him back to his home realm. He is--

DANI: Wait, so he's working for the High Bear Nation? But that's us!

KRYSTINA: Maybe we've been conned.

BRITTANY: What have we done?

DANI: Bearsley!

MARY: Bearsley would not do that!

DANI: You don't know, do you?

NOELLE: You're letting your heart blind you to the truth.

MARY: It's not my heart, it's my loins, but even so!

NOELLE: Well, same deal!

KRYSTINA: You mean to tell me you don't understand what's happening here? We've been double-crossed, and we're the double-crossers!

LAURA: Is the balootonium in the shoebox?

BRITTANY: I look in the shoebox.

MARISHA: There is balootonium in the shoebox.

BRITTANY: There's balootonium in the shoebox! Ladies, I don't know how to take this.

DANI: (high-pitched) Are we the baddies?

LAURA: Are people still shooting at us?

MARISHA: You are still heading deep into the ocean, and there are still boats as you guys are all having this sudden crisis of morality and realization.

LAURA: Who is it that is chasing us, then? Is it us, or is it them?

MARISHA: You can see, as you look--

NOELLE: Let's shoot first, ask questions later.

DANI: Always a good plan.

MARISHA: You can't see much features, but they do appear to be two bear-type individuals in very nice black suits.

MARY: Well, shit. Hey, Bearah! Did you see any underwater aquatic feature to this particular vehicle?

KRYSTINA: Darling, we've got all the features you need. You just tell me what you need to go!

MARY: Submarine, mama! Can we go underwater?

KRYSTINA: Let's take this sucker down.

MARY: Come on.

MARISHA: (beeping) You've already seen this. A pod, a clear glass bubble, comes up over top of your convertible top. (submersion sounds) You go underwater.

NOELLE: We're in deep now, girls.

MARISHA: A little thing pops up on the console and says, "Five minutes of oxygen remaining."

NOELLE: Oh, well that's--

DANI: That's helpful!

MARY: Everybody calm down. Stop it! Double-M, no, calm.

LAURA: (hyperventilating) I'm claustrophobic!

MARY: It's okay.

NOELLE: We're all right.

DANI: Oh, I hate timers!

MARISHA: Five minutes of oxygen.

MARY: Five minutes. How deep are we at this point?

MARISHA: Not too deep. If you look up, you can still see a little bit of daylight.

NOELLE: What if we double around?

MARY: I bet we should double back around the boats and go back.

BRITTANY: They will never see our penis car coming. Never.

MARY: They won't.

KRYSTINA: If we turn up the hyperdrive on this boat, we can get out the other side. The only question I have is, could I possibly hack it in for more air?

MARY: Give it a shot, mama. In the meantime, I turn around and I start heading toward shore.

DANI: Is there another dock? Did we know? Is it just one dock, or is it a peninsula area?

MARISHA: Make a criminal check as you look around.

MARY: Is there a beach?

MARISHA: There was a beach.

DANI: Two! Sorry, I got really excited.

MARISHA: Drew, you press your polar bear face against, and being a polar bear, you are very adept at seeing underwater. As Grizz is turning around, and you look out the front, towards the direction you guys were actually heading, you see some scaffolding poles, like a structure, is actually not too far ahead of you all.

DANI: Go for the structure poles thingy. I think we can maybe hide there and maybe get back up above water and have air! Don't worry, Maven, we're going to get air.

MARY: Just keep breathing, Maven, baby. We'll slowly, slowly, I want to take this--

MARISHA: Grizz, you turn, and slowly start-- you're not trying to disturb the water and let your presence known. As you get closer, you do see--

DANI: I start rubbing Maven's shoulders.

MARISHA: --these support beams start making themselves a little bit more clear, and as you get closer, beep-beep, beep-beep! The GPS system has more little tracking dots pop up, and it looks like it's coming from this structure.

MARY: Okay.

LAURA: Type in Bad Guys and see if it is them!


DANI: It just comes up, Bad Guys?

KRYSTINA: You'd be surprised. There's not very many identifiers for bad guys. Grizz, can we take her up?

MARY: We can take her up. My fear is that we come up right into a nest of wasps.

NOELLE: Well, we've got less than a minute left of air. I think we need more information. Somebody has set us up.

MARY: I agree.

NOELLE: Someone in the High Bear Nation sent us here to make us patsies.

DANI: We need to go up! We need to get air!

MARY: We're not that far beneath the surface. We're about 20 feet down. We're fine. As I slowly start to rise, so we don't disturb the surface.

MARISHA: Very slowly start to ascend. As you get closer, you let the little bubble crest a little bit, but you're not coming all the way up. As you look up, you all see, cresting the waterline, the top of this building. It is a giant industrial complex. It is an offshore military base and weapons laboratory, and at the top, you see a big sign marking the entire building that simply says, Ripley.

MARY: Does the penis have a condom and/or cloaking device?

MARISHA: It doesn't, but that is something we should totally submit to the High Bear Nation to have implemented.

MARY: I'll write it down for Bearsley.

MARISHA: And that is where we're going to take a break.

DANI: Wait, did we get air?

MARISHA: You pop it open a little bit, and you get air. Yeah, you're fine. You're fine. You don't die.

NOELLE: Thank god.

MARY: You all right there, darling?

DANI: We come back to six dead bears.

MARISHA: We're back, and you all suffocated! Thank you guys for joining us!

MARY: We spent the time accessorizing our fabulous hats.

BRITTANY: Grace farted, and we all died.

MARISHA: All right, as always, we are going to take a quick ten-minute break. We bears will bear all when we... return. I didn't have anything left. That's all I got.

DANI: This is going somewhere.

MARISHA: All right. We will be right back.



Part IIEdit

MARISHA: Hello. Welcome back. Jumping right into this, you guys have just emerged. You pop open the hood. You get a little bit of fresh air into your salmon submarine.

MARY: Is there any shelter within this structure that I can sidle on up to?

MARISHA: You can go under. It's a full on off-shore compound. If you go underneath, there's a little bit of room that you can pull right under, and you'd be underneath the compound.

MARY: I'm going to do that, y'all.

MARISHA: (revving)

DANI: While she's doing that, I'm going to be like: Clair! Clair!


DANI: Clair!

BRITTANY: Yes, Drew?

DANI: Do you remember back when Tova first found us?

MARISHA: Flashback! (warbling)

DANI: And I got to see you? Remember when went and saw Bearsley and he gave you those really goddamn cool sunglasses?

BRITTANY: He did, I remember.

DANI: Remember when Bearsley and the Maven-- I mean, not the Maven, but Grizz. Yeah. Sorry, I just think about you a lot.

BRITTANY: Things got steamy.

DANI: It was really steamy.

BRITTANY: Do you think they're going to hit it off?

DANI: I think so.

BRITTANY: Yeah. Have cute little cubs.

DANI: That would so so adorable.


MARY: I love him more than anything else in this world.

DANI: That's really nice!

MARY: He just doesn't know.

LAURA: Do you think he is betraying us all?

MARY: If he does, I'll kill him.

NOELLE: I mean, it's the past. So I don't know that yet, but I will know that.

KRYSTINA: If I were to step into this from where I am right now, into this current memory bubble floating about my head, I'd say: You're all crazy! We've been betrayed.

NOELLE: I would yell down from the future: What do you mean?

KRYSTINA: I would say-- well it doesn't quite translate into what I'm trying to say, so (growling).

MARY: You have a lovely singing voice, if I might say.

KRYSTINA: You know? You're welcome.

MARY: Before we get out, has the memory bubble passed?

NOELLE: Are we still? I want to remember having a nice whiskey, while we're here.

MARISHA: You feel the scent of the alcohol burning your nostrils.

NOELLE: This is a nice memory. I like this one. A bunch of stand-up gals.

MARISHA: Cold sweat of the glass.

DANI: Money Honey-- Honey Penny.

NOELLE: (laughing) Money Honey is a completely different person.

MARISHA: Glass was slippery, speaking of the sweat on the glass.

DANI: Honey Penny was great, that was all I was going to say, it's fine. Moving on

NOELLE: She is great, isn't she?

DANI: She was great. She was kind of hot, too!

NOELLE: Oh, our memory thought bubble is going away. It's been an honor.

MARISHA: Reminiscing on these wonderful thoughts, you calm your minds. You're reminded of the mission that you're on, its importance, and that it doesn't matter who sent you on this mission. It is what you do during the mission that defines the mission.

DANI: Thanks, Vin Diesel.

MARISHA: Thank you. You can all choose, if you would like, to move a point from bear into criminal because of that flashback.

MARY: If we're even-steven we're fine though, right?

NOELLE: I'm going to eat a honey?

MARISHA: You're missing a point.

LAURA: No, you want to move a bear into criminal.


LAURA: Yeah, you're good. Move it to where they're even.

MARY: You want to move your criminal back into bear?

NOELLE: Yeah, but is that what we're doing? Is the flashback gets criminal back to bear. Okay, cool. That's what I wanted.

BRITTANY: After this memory has faded, we're sort of under the compound? In the compound?

MARISHA: You're underneath, and you can see it's on stilts above the ocean, and you look up and it's pretty much industrial, riveted steel flooring that you see. Looks pretty practical. You do see a hatch, not far, that appears to be locked.

MARY: Before we go anywhere, could we get an idea of where the ping-ping-bong-bong bad guys are? One of your little blips. The bad blips.

KRYSTINA: You know, the last time I typed in bad guys something came up great, so let's type in villains."

BRITTANY: Ooh, more direct.

MARISHA: (beeping)

KRYSTINA: Oh look, a clue.

BRITTANY: How many do you see?

MARISHA: You can't really tell. It's this cluster right over top of you.

MARY: Fuck, there's a cluster?

KRYSTINA: A clusterfuck, if you will.

NOELLE: Are we the villains?

DANI: Are we the baddies?

MARY: Wait a minute. Where is that location?

NOELLE: Let's not worry about that.

DANI: I think it just means that they're right above us because we're underneath that stilts thing.

LAURA: Type in us and see if it beeps the same way.

MARISHA: You type in Clair McFuzz and it goes (beeping) and points over at her.

LAURA: Is it in the same place as the other blips?

MARISHA: Pretty much in the same place, but it singles out one of the blips.

NOELLE: Are we the villains? What has happened?

DANI: I still really think it's just because they're literally right above us, but that's okay, guys.

NOELLE: They're clustered in a group directly above us? We got to get up there.

KRYSTINA: Would it be possible to type in someone else?

MARISHA: You can try, yeah.

MARY: Put in Bearsley.

DANI: It's a bear positioning system, though. I think we're reading too much into this.

KRYSTINA: Bearsley.

NOELLE: We are asking this device to tell us if we are good or not. I don't understand what's hard to understand.

MARISHA: (beeping)

DANI: (gasps) Bearsley's right above us!

MARISHA: It is in the cluster, a little bit away and in a corner.

NOELLE: Bearsley's the villain!

MARY: We don't know that yet.

KRYSTINA: Ladies, I don't believe that it's us. I do believe that we've officially been double-crossed.

LAURA: Do any of us have a saw?

MARY: We have a gun. We got three guns and a magic bullet.

BRITTANY: I can see through walls.

LAURA: Oh! Put on the glasses and see if there's people above us.

BRITTANY: Okay. I put on my hat and glasses and I look up straight.

MARISHA: You see two water portways that are a little bit open. It looks like the floor can basically move and be sectioned out and make space for boats to come in and park.

BRITTANY: Ladies, I see two waterways that can make space for our penis contraption boat.

MARISHA: You see a ton of crates, looks like general stock and supply. You see one guard. One bear in a suit.

BRITTANY: A bear in a suit.

MARISHA: Standing near the edge of the wall, a door that he is guarding.

DANI: I think I can punch that guy.

NOELLE: Which one of you can pick a lock. Can you pick a lock?

DANI: She could pick the lock and I could punch him.

NOELLE: I think that we should pick a lock and we should go up there and we should punch him because we're a bunch of goddamn bears and that's what we do.

DANI: This is a really good idea. I like this plan. And we've been double-crossed!

NOELLE: We've been double-crossed.

MARY: So what's the plan? What do we do?

NOELLE: We punch the villains. Go up to Bearsley and punch him.

MARY: Wait a minute! Here's the thing, if we just go in there and start accusing, "You're going to blah blah blah," then other people might say, "Well you're blah blah," and they'll kill us. Maybe we need to keep our cover of doing what Bearsley wants until we actually determine whether or not he's a fucking villain.

BRITTANY: I'm with Grizz.

MARY: Then we turn on them and eat them all.

BRITTANY: I'm double with Grizz!

NOELLE: I hate a liar. I just want to punch him so bad.

MARY: What are you thinking, Double M?

LAURA: So we're not going to kill this guard?

NOELLE: We will kill him.

MARY: That goes without saying. When we get up, if we do find, do we give him the balootonium? What do we do? We need to just not run in and: J'accuse! I think that's French.

NOELLE: But he already knows that we blew up his people, right?

MARY: All we know is that we followed Crispin Glover and fucking got what we were supposed to get. That's all he knows that we know.

DANI: I don't think that this thing is actually telling us whether or not somebody is a villain. I just think they're telling us there's somebody there.

BRITTANY: I go up to the lock, and try to pick to lock on the hatch. Roll for criminal?

MARISHA: You scutter up, and you use the half-dome that's still there from when it's in salmon submarine mode, right on your tippy-toes, and you start trying to pick to lock. Roll twice. Roll for criminal.

BRITTANY: Yep! See how this goes. Two or lower. One!


BRITTANY: Finally!

MARISHA: While they're bickering and they're going back and forth, you quietly get up there with your comb and your fork that you found and a hatch opens up.

BRITTANY: Ladies, not to be rude, but let's get the fuck inside here! I scurry up inside and wait for them.

MARY: Follow the fudge girl. Still, don't blow our cover. Don't blow that we know at this point when we get up there. We play dumb. We play: We have completed our mission! Okay?

MARISHA: Clair, you feel pretty good about that, so you get to move a point from bear to criminal.

MARY: No, I meant if we see Bearsley. Right now, let's get rid of the guard and then head up.

LAURA: Let's put a burlap sack over him and then punch him in the face!

ALL: Ooh!

NOELLE: I like the way you think, Maven.

DANI: Gosh, you're so great!

MARISHA: You all scutter up the side of this hatch door. You have a few shipping crates and containers that are blocking your way. You all stealthily crawl up, peak around the corner. You see a guard maybe ten feet, facing away from you.

BRITTANY: He's a bear in a suit?

MARISHA: He is a bear in a suit. You guys are peaking around the corner. He's facing sideways.

BRITTANY: He's a bear in a suit who can be seduced by another bear, perhaps?

DANI: But burlap sacks!

MARY: We've got to start with the seduction.

LAURA: What if I bring the sack over and I seduce him into putting it over his head?

DANI: Yeah!

LAURA: Perfect plan!

BRITTANY: Bears are into that, mm-hmm.

DANI: Quick clarification: were we doing the one bear head on top of each other as we poked around the corner?

MARISHA: Yeah, definitely. It's the bloop, bloop, bloop, bloop. Little Clair on top.

LAURA: Okay, I'm going to seduce the shit out of this guy.

NOELLE: Do it. I believe in you, Maven.

MARISHA: You're a sleek black bear, and you've just come up from a beachy speedboat mission. Your fur is a little glisteny, dripping. You've got your hat, which spills a little water as you peek around the corner.

LAURA: I run in slow motion over to him.

MARISHA: He turns and goes, "Uh..."

NOELLE: How does she do that?

LAURA: Bonsoir. I spit as I say it.


MARISHA: Wipes his cheek. "You must be one of our foreign transfers."


MARISHA: "You new here to the Ripley Outpost with the High Bear Nation?"

LAURA: That I am.

MARISHA: "What's your name?"

LAURA: ...Verr.

MARISHA: "Sorry, I'm not good with foreign languages; I'm just going to butcher it. You forgive me if I-- can I call you B?"

LAURA: Of course you can.

MARISHA: "Well, I'm Grylls, Bear Grylls."

LAURA: It's wonderful to meet you. You know, where I am from, it is customary to--


LAURA: (laughing) --to put a bag over your head, so I can kiss you.

MARISHA: "Put a bag over my head?"

LAURA: Oui. So I can kiss you, through the bag.


LAURA: It is a custom of my people.

MARISHA: "Do you want to just kiss me without the bag?"

LAURA: That comes after the bag.

MARISHA: "Okay." Roll for face. Twice, because you have advantage for this one.


MARISHA: "Yes, I certainly wouldn't want to be disrespectful to the customs of your nation. We're very welcoming here at the Ripley Outpost," and he puts the bag over his head.

DANI: I'm going to run up and punch him right in the face.

MARISHA: He's starting to lean forward and he goes, "Do you-- should I--?" Right as he's doing this, boof! Roll twice for muscle.


MARISHA: Boof! He gets cold-cocked, and he crashes onto the floor and is out cold.

NOELLE: Tova catches him and gently sits him down.

LAURA: Where should we put him? Do we have rope?

MARY: Can we open up one of the crates and put him inside of it, perchance?

MARISHA: You could absolutely try to do that.

LAURA: I take off one of my gloves and I tie up his hands with the long glove.

MARY: S-M-R-T. That's what you are. Let's put him in a crate.

MARISHA: You all need to take a point in criminal, because that was going quite well for you. From bear to criminal.

MARY: All of us?

MARISHA: Sorry, these two ladies: Drew and the Midnight Maven.

KRYSTINA: Maven, I hope that one day you'll teach me your wonderful arts of burlesque. Bear-lesque, if you will.

LAURA: You don't need any training.

MARISHA: Grizz, you look over and you do find an empty crate that looks like, with assistance, you could push the lid off and throw this guy in.

MARY: Tova, can you help me with this?

NOELLE: Yeah, let's do it.

MARY: Come on, let's push this thing out. (grunting)

MARISHA: Together it's pretty easy. Falls right over.

NOELLE: In you go, buddy.

MARY: I just punch him once more in the face just to make sure he stays asleep for a while. Poof!

MARISHA: (gurgling)

NOELLE: Sleep well.

DANI: She's working through some things. Her boyfriend betrayed her.

MARY: We don't know that yet! Dang it, look at me in the eye!

NOELLE: Okay, all right, focus. Let's keep going. Come on.

MARISHA: You go over to the door. Simple, steel door, but it does have a latch lock with a little mechanical, techy, maybe enchanted key lock.

BRITTANY: Sounds like a hacker's job.

NOELLE: Should we look inside first with the goggles?

BRITTANY: I put on my goggles and look inside the wall. What do I see, oh, BM?

MARISHA: You see a long hallway that stretches down, it looks like two stairs descending on either side, and it looks like another room adjacent to this doorway.

BRITTANY: Any creatures, any people?

MARISHA: You see a couple of bears on the other side in the room that is adjacent to this one. You don't see anyone in the hallway.

BRITTANY: Are they bears in suits?

MARISHA: They are bears in suits, you see two of them.

BRITTANY: Okay, great, okay. Ladies, I see some bears in suits in some hallways and pathways and such, I think it's worth going into. I think it's worth hacking into.

NOELLE: Do you think you can do a number on this lock and get us in there?

KRYSTINA: Huh. Pardon me. Can you tell me what this looks like a little more, give me a little detail on the system?

MARISHA: It looks like there is some sort of paw print indentation.

NOELLE: We got to get the guy out of the crate.

MARY: I'm going to go get the guy from the crate.

MARISHA: It looks like there's also a latch that opens up and that you can enter a code if you-- Well, this has a thing and you code, if you can't do this you can override it with a code. If that makes sense. You know, those latchy things.

DANI: Sometimes those fingerprint things don't really work that well.

MARISHA: Right, so you can--

MARY: If you go to clear and your fingerprints don't work you got to use your eyeballs.

NOELLE: Wait, you have that guy's eyeball!

DANI: You have Crispin Glover's eye!

BRITTANY: I have Crispin Glover's eyeball. I don't know if Crispin Glover's been cleared at this facility.

MARISHA: You know what, amazingly, you hold the eyeball in front of the scanner.

BRITTANY: It's been dried to my fur because it's bloody.

MARISHA: One side-- it looks like it's trying. It looks like he did have clearance, but he was not cleared for a single eye entry, he needs both eyes.

BRITTANY: So I go back-- just kidding. All right, I whisper to the eye: I'll see you later. I put it back in my satchel. Forgive me, continue your hacking expertise.

MARY: Bearah, it's up to you, because we can go back and get that guy in the crate.

NOELLE: We better hurry, he might wake up soon.

KRYSTINA: Listen. I never go anywhere unprepared. You see this?


KRYSTINA: You see this?

NOELLE: Yeah. Ooh!

KRYSTINA: You ever heard of sound technology?


BRITTANY: Tell us.

KRYSTINA: You probably haven't because I just made it up.

DANI: What? That was a lot.

KRYSTINA: The thing about paw print scanners is the fact that they respond to sound, but you have to be very precise with it.

MARISHA: Okay. I'm into it.

MARY: You going to smoke it?

KRYSTINA: No, darling, I'm going to make the sounds. Each one of these is a singular code, and I have to do it as quickly as possible. (singing)

NOELLE: She sounds like an angel. Did it work?

KRYSTINA: I think it did.

MARISHA: Roll twice, take the lowest.

KRYSTINA: Natural one.

MARISHA: Natural one. Sure enough, like magic-- tick, kaboof! The reverberations hum in the indentations of the paw print.

MARY: I just got to do this. Damn, that was nice.

MARISHA: That was a successful plan, you get to move a point from bear to criminal.

KRYSTINA: It's hard out here for a bear pimp.

MARISHA: You peek around the door, three heads on one side, three on the other, looking down hallways, and you see those stairways that Clair saw through the glasses and another door directly across the way. This one does not appear to be locked, but you do know that there two guards on the other side.

NOELLE: All right, should--

LAURA: Where's Bearsley?

NOELLE: How many bears are in that room?

BRITTANY: I think I saw two? I think I saw two bears, I wasn't sure if they were in the same room or on opposite sides.

NOELLE: Bearah, can you tell us if Bearsley is in that room?

KRYSTINA: From what I see, Bearsley's behind the wall.

MARISHA: You see that he is in a corner, but appears behind you. You can't necessarily tell, since the GPS is a birds-eye view, what level he is on, but he does not appear to be in the room in front of you.

DANI: So maybe we should go upstairs.

NOELLE: We should head down one of these staircases.

KRYSTINA: We should all be on alert.

BRITTANY: We have to be very quiet.

NOELLE: Should we split up?

MARY: Never split the group.

DANI: I think that's a really bad idea-- actually, I think that's a great idea. Definitely split the party.

BRITTANY: Tova's got good ideas, y'all, I mean.

NOELLE: We don't have to do that.

LAURA: You are the brains, you tell us what to do.

NOELLE: Let's choose one so at least we--

DANI: I think that's a great idea.

NOELLE: Well, now I'm not confident about it at all.

KRYSTINA: I believe that, as the brains, you ought to take those two.

NOELLE: Can I use my brains to figure out which staircase is most likely to lead to Bearsley?

MARISHA: You can. Roll for brains.


MARISHA: Yeah, absolutely. Just peeking up and around the staircase to your right, you can see that it looks like it's a dead end. There is another room this side and this side, but there doesn't appear to be a hallway that goes further. When you peek around the stairs to the left, it keeps going and loops around.

NOELLE: All right, let's go this way, we've got to find Bearsley, we got to get the truth out of him, whatever it takes. Let's go.

BRITTANY: All right.

MARISHA: Okay. You head up the stairs and you go around the corner. As you head up, there is a glass door with glass windowing that looks like it opens up into a very large laboratory room. There does appear to be a locked vault door directly to your left, like a locked storage room or a locked-- you know how banks will have a locked information type of situ-- yeah-- off to the side.

BRITTANY: So it's glass.

MARISHA: One glass door with glass windows and you can see--

BRITTANY: Are there people inside, can they see us as much as we can see them?

MARISHA: There does not appear to be anybody inside. When you look at your globear positioning system, you do see one flashing beacon from deep inside. He looks to be in the big laboratory room.

DANI: Is it Bearsley or is it just a dude?

MARY: It's all glass, we can't see him from where we are?

MARISHA: It's dark. You can see it looks like half the lights are on towards the front of the room, but the room goes pretty far back and falls in shadow and you can't see past it.

NOELLE: Is he the only one in the room?

MARISHA: You only see one beacon in the room, yes.

MARY: Is this beacon a bear beacon?

MARISHA: You assume so.

NOELLE: I think we should go in.

LAURA: What about the vault?

BRITTANY: There's a locked vault, so is there a door in which to get into the lab or is the vault for the lab?

MARISHA: There is a door to get into the lab. Like, once again, those clear glass hospital doors, almost.

BRITTANY: But not locked.

MARISHA: It has a simple lock on it. Similar to what you guys have already discovered since you've already hacked the one downstairs you already know the code to get into this one, so this one has already been unlocked.

MARY: Can I inspect the laboratory equipment to see what exactly-- are they working on something chemical, are they working on--

MARISHA: Yeah, you're going to peek through the glass?

MARY: Yeah.

MARISHA: Roll for criminal. Just once.

MARY: Oh. I see nothing.

NOELLE: Can I use my bear snoot--

MARY: My (panting)

MARISHA: Your bear breath is fogging-- you're like, "Guys, I think they have a fogging system!" You don't know.

MARY: Seems kind of foggy in there.

NOELLE: Can I use my bear sense of smell to smell if I smell the familiar scent, that I would know from Crispin Glover, of balootonium?

MARISHA: You can. Roll for bear.


MARISHA: You do catch faint wafts of this highly radioactive honey compound that's a little sweet, but a little-- It burns your nostrils.

NOELLE: Can I tell which direction it's wafting from?

MARISHA: You can just tell it's coming from the lab.

NOELLE: It's probably in that vault.

KRYSTINA: You know I can sense honey, darlin'?




DANI: Is balootonium honey or is it something else?

MARISHA: Technically a condensed, crystallized form of honey that's highly explosive. Yes, you also confirm that you can sense a strong amount of balootonium coming from the laboratory.

BRITTANY: I put on my glasses and I look in the vault like I should have 20 minutes ago. What can I see?

MARISHA: You see documents. High priority files. A few more weapons.

NOELLE: We got to get those.

MARISHA: You see sitting on one of the shelves, something that looks useful.

BRITTANY: I don't know what I see, but my gut says we need to go through that vault door.

DANI: Does it look really useful?

BRITTANY: Looks really useful, yes.

LAURA: Open it. Use your lock-picking skills.

BRITTANY: All right.

MARY: Should we go into the laboratory?

LAURA: After!

MARY: So the vault is outside the lab.


NOELLE: Should some of us try and find Bearsley and subdue him? I mean, we won't be far, we'll all be in the same room.

LAURA: No! No, go to the vault first.

MARY: Vault first. If there are weapons in that vault, we all might need a weapon because we all know how good Bearsley is with a weapon.

NOELLE: Then we need to be really quiet.

KRYSTINA: I believe it might be a good time to make sure all of our loyalties are aligned. Who's here with the High Bear Nation and siding with Bosley-- or Bearsley, if he's not on our side, and who's with us?

MARY: Don't you look at me, momma, you know I'm loyal to no one but myself. But if someone betrays me, I don't care how hot their salmon car is, if you know what I'm saying.

BRITTANY: I'm with Grizz.

MARY: I know you do. Look at that face.

DANI: I mean, I sleep at the High Bear Nation, but you know. I mean, I could probably find somewhere else to sleep at some point. It'll be fine. I might be homeless now, but it's fine. Don't worry about it, it's cool.

NOELLE: Look, if the High Bear Nation is lying to me, they're going down. I mean to take them down. This has been my everything. If Bearsley is crooked, he's about to become a lot more crooked because--

BRITTANY: You will crook him.

DANI: I will punch him for you if you need me to.

NOELLE: I will.

BRITTANY: Grizz, we understand where you come from. We get it.

MARY: Look, ladies. I don't know what the hell's happening down there or up there or anywhere at this point. All I know is that I swore an oath. If that oath is broken by the people I swore it to, there's nothing that I won't do to make sure that that oath-breaking will be never broken again with any oath that will ever happen in an oath-time. Know what I'm saying?


NOELLE: I think I follow.

LAURA: I mostly understood.

DANI: I did not get any of that.

KRYSTINA: That was a powerful statement.

BRITTANY: Paws in. For the honey!

MARISHA: It's a little less awkward than the first time, yeah.

MARY: Let's make a pact to each other. All right? We get out of this alive and then we figure out where we go, all right?

NOELLE: It's a good pact. I like: it's straight forward. It's simple. Works for me.

KRYSTINA: If we die, we die. Then we die together.

DANI: I don't really want to die. Literally.

NOELLE: Let's make a pact. We don't die. We win. We get the thing and we go. That's our pact. No one is going to die.

KRYSTINA: But if we do, we carry on because no one ever dies.

DANI: Why are you talking about dying?

NOELLE: Let's make another pact. Let's open the door and go inside.

MARISHA: The leader has spoken.

LAURA: Let's go to the vault.

MARISHA: Clair, you walk up to the vault.

BRITTANY: I'm like: I'm going to thieve this nonsense.

MARISHA: You see an old-fashioned combination lock in front of you.

BRITTANY: Old-fashioned combination lock.

NOELLE: Eight, six, seven, five, three, oh, nine.

BRITTANY: How many dice do I roll against this lock?

MARISHA: You roll two dice.

BRITTANY: All right. Three or less.


BRITTANY: Come on, daddy! Three!

MARISHA: Okay! It takes a little bit, but you put your ear up to it. Your keen honey badger hearing hears the clicks and the tumblers as you turn it over. (click) It is unlocked. You go to turn the wheel-- you're too weak.

DANI: I come up behind her.

NOELLE: Is this the vault or is this the lab?

MARISHA: This is the vault.

BRITTANY: My tiny badger hands are too small. Please.

DANI: I lift her up and I put her on my shoulders.

BRITTANY: Can I pout just a little bit? But I'm happy it's happening.

DANI: You're doing great. You're doing so great. I (grunting).

MARISHA: Roll for muscle.

MARY: Come on, mama.

DANI: Two!

MARISHA: (door opening) Your polar bear biceps turn it with ease and then you push, but it still might be a team effort. You all (grunting). All your little bear paws skitter against the steel floor, but it opens.


MARISHA: You are all in. You are all successful.

NOELLE: I'm going for that useful thing.

MARISHA: All right.

MARY: I'm going to look for the weapon.

BRITTANY: I look for the interesting thing. Tova should do that.

MARISHA: Tova, you immediately go and you find--

NOELLE: The bomb defusal manual.

LAURA: Oh that's good. Very useful.

NOELLE: I can't imagine why we would need such a thing, but--

MARISHA: Grizz Leigh, you see a small crate, got padding in it. It's got three little egg-shaped pods in it.

MARY: Yes! You know I love them-- Well, that's another story for another time. These are fireball grenades.

DANI: What?

MARY: Mm-hmm. Oh heck yes.

BRITTANY: Well, I've got a gun, so I'm good.

MARISHA: Bearah, your sun bear keen honey-scent spotting nose looks down and finds a small vial filled with honey, although it is a dark blackish, purplish, ichor-like color.

KRYSTINA: Rare black lotus honey. That takes me back.

MARY: What's that for?

KRYSTINA: It takes me back, but I don't quite recall.

DANI: I've had a lot of those nights, it's okay.

MARISHA: None of you are quite sure what it does.

DANI: It's most of my two days ago, but don't worry about it.

KRYSTINA: But the name sounds amazing.

MARY: Okay. What does the bomb manual-- that's a wonderful thing. You hold onto that because it sounds great.

NOELLE: It's quite complicated. It seems to be describing some bomb that is very difficult to defuse. These are the instructions, if absolutely necessary. Let's hope not, but I think that means that there's probably a bomb nearby and that we should probably defuse it. That is what I am getting from this with my bear brains.

BRITTANY: While they do that, I make sure there's no one coming down the hallway and make sure no one's following us so I keep a lookout. I'm not the brains, so I'm the lookout.

DANI: I'm going to be near Clair to be muscle in case something like that happens. Actually, I want to look and see-- There was a bunch of paperwork and all that? Like important documents?

MARISHA: Mm-hmm.

DANI: I want to take a look at that and maybe see if we can figure out who betrayed us.

MARISHA: Okay. Roll for criminal. Also, all who participated-- which was, I guess, you two-- in cracking the vault.

BRITTANY: Roll one for criminal?

MARISHA: I was going to say move a point from bear to criminal.

DANI: I'm going to also eat some honey while I do this.

MARISHA: You move a point back. Yes. Sorry, was going to say that earlier and then things got going.

NOELLE: Didn't they give us honey?

DANI: Yeah. We should all have three. We should all have three honeys.

MARISHA: So yeah. If anyone wants to eat honey and move a point from criminal to bear, you can.

LAURA: All right, I will do that.


DANI: Okay, I'm going to look at this paperwork. Oh no. I did not. I would've gotten it if I kept that one, but--

MARISHA: Unfortunately, you don't really know what you're looking at. You pass it over to Tova.

NOELLE: Drew, can you read?

DANI: Maybe not.


MARISHA: Tova, roll for brains with advantage.


MARISHA: You definitely succeed. You look and you see blueprints, inventory, receipts, correspondence back and forth. They all seem to be building some sort of weapon, like a warhead.

NOELLE: Like a bomb?

MARISHA: Like a bomb and there have been a few iterations of it. They're testing it out. You also see blueprints for the Double-O Salmon.

DANI: Oh no!

MARISHA: As well as blueprints for Crispin Glover's boat. As well as guns, a few other things.

NOELLE: Are there any names on any other these documents? Any messages from one bear to another?

MARISHA: There are a few sign off signatures that look like someone needed to give approval for some of these shipments, and they all seem to be under Bearsley.

DANI: Oh no!

NOELLE: Girls, I'm afraid it's what we thought. Bearsley's the rat, the mole.

MARY: I need to hear it from his mouth.

LAURA: What if Paddington is Ripley?

NOELLE: We need to find this warhead and we need to defuse it. We also need to find Bearsley and get the goddamn truth out of him.

DANI: Maven, no!

MARY: What's wrong? What happened?

LAURA: Nothing?


LAURA: I think I know who Paddington is.

MARY: Who?

DANI: We've never actually met Paddington!

LAURA: What if Paddington is Ripley?

MARY: Oh shit balls.

BRITTANY: (explosion)

DANI: This is so much bigger than ourselves!

MARY: It's all right.

BRITTANY: What do we do?

MARY: Fucking take it down.

NOELLE: Well, Bearsley is in this lab, and presumably the warhead is, too. We should find both of those things.

MARY: Well then, let's go say hello to the man with the red bow tie.

NOELLE: Bearah, where is Bearsley?

KRYSTINA: Well you know, it looks to me that he is--

MARISHA and KRYSTINA: Beyond the wall, towards the back of the room, in the laboratory.

LAURA: What if you type in Paddington?

NOELLE: Can we do that?

MARY: We can try.

NOELLE: I never thought of that before!

MARISHA: Nothing coming up for Paddington.

LAURA: What if you type in Ripley?

NOELLE: Is Paddington real? What if Paddington is just Bearsley using a funny microphone?

MARISHA: Nothing coming up for Ripley.

BRITTANY: What if you type in shitty backstabber?

MARISHA: Same place as Bearsley!

MARY: Betrayal of everything we hold dear.

NOELLE: I mean, look, if Bearsley's the only one who's ever seen Paddington, maybe they're the same person.

DANI: Maybe there is no Paddington?

NOELLE: I've never seen Bearsley in the same room as the speaker.

KRYSTINA: That's crazy talk! It's madness I tell you, madness!

DANI: I know crazy! And I don't think that's crazy.

NOELLE: It has been my dream to meet Sir Paddington in the flesh, and now I guess I got to find another dream.

KRYSTINA: Would it not be in the fur?

NOELLE: I don't know any more! Is he even a bear?

DANI: Yeah, we don't even know!

MARY: We're jumping to a lot of conclusions.

NOELLE and MARY: Let's go find Bearsley.

BRITTANY: The hallways behind us?

KRYSTINA: Let's jam our foots up a couple of asses!

NOELLE: I like that idea, that's a good plan. Let's go be a bunch of goddamn bears.

LAURA: I pull out my gun!

NOELLE: Oh shit!

BRITTANY: I also pull out my gun.

NOELLE: Bears with guns.

DANI: I pull out my fists.

MARISHA: You're all totally armed. You exit the vault, you peek around the little pocket hallway that it's in, and there right before you, to your left, is the door to the laboratory. It is already unlocked because you already hacked the system. You all can go right in.

LAURA: Should we charge in screaming?

DANI: Nah, I think we need to be classy.

NOELLE: Yeah, I think we should walk in real cool and have like a line that we say. Say: It looks like this honey pot is cracked. Or something like that, I'm workshopping it.

LAURA: No, you should stick with that.

MARY: I think you should try it.

LAURA: Here we go.

NOELLE: I'm sorry, Grizz. I'm sorry.

MARY: My heart is kind of broken, but my heart needs to find answers. I say we walk in calmly as a united front, and see what that son of a bitch has to say before I rip his face off.

DANI: We could do both.

KRYSTINA: Stomp a mud hole for Grizz!

LAURA: Let's go.

NOELLE: You know what they say? Bears before bros.

ALL: Bears before bros.

MARY: Bears before fucking bros, y'all! Okay, let's go!

BRITTANY: We walk in like this.

MARISHA: You all push on the door.

LAURA: Walk in slow motion.

MARISHA: (intones "Battle Without Honor or Humanity") You flip your hair. You have a nice flying-V formation. Grizz, Tova--

LAURA: Tova, say the line.

NOELLE: Looks like this honey pot is cracked.

BRITTANY: Oh! That was good. Sorry.

MARY: I liked that.

MARISHA: The Midnight Maven, Clair McFuzz, Drew Bearymoore and Bearah Pawcett. You see before you a vast open room. Few consoles on the side walls, flashing lights, LEDs creating a dimly lit glow in a stark interior. Alone in the center of the room, you see a platform suspended from the ceiling by thick industrial cables. On this platform, you see a semi-translucent cylindrical device emanating a faint glow of its own, with a mess of wiring protruding from its center. As you peek a little closer, your eyes adjust to the darkness, you see, through its translucent body, pulsating marbles of sheer energy. This is a metric fuck ton of balootonium, and it is rigged to blow.

DANI: Oh no!

MARY: Is there a timer on it?

MARISHA: You see a little screen, but it appears to be dark. You see a small light, just blue, nothing much to it at the moment.

NOELLE: So it's rigged to blow, but it's not necessarily active.

DANI: Is Bearsley in the room?

MARISHA: Take a moment.

NOELLE: Should we find him?

MARISHA: You look down, your globear positioning system is the only sound in the room. The (beeping). Emerging from the shadows, once again, is Bearsley. But this time, he is in a giant mech suit.


MARY: Fuck this shit!

MARISHA: With a strap across it.

MARY: He's got a strap on?

MARISHA: Engraved in steel lettering, says the Ripley P5000. He says--

MARY: That's a lot of pee.

MARISHA: That's a lot of pee. He says, "Hello, honeys. Surprised to see me?"

LAURA: How could you do this?

DANI: We were surprised like 20 minutes ago when we found our you were betraying us. But this is a lot.

MARISHA: "Yeah, you know. I thought you guys might figure it out."

MARY: You did?

NOELLE: What was your plan exactly? Were we your patsies that you were going to stick this all on?

MARISHA: "No. I just wanted you all to realize how much I do around here and how underappreciated I have been for years."

MARY: Oh for fuck's sake! This is about your fucking ego?! Seriously?!

LAURA: We compliment you all the time!

BRITTANY: I am not about to be bear-splained right now.

KRYSTINA: This is the most attention-grabbing thing I've ever seen in my doggone life.

MARY: Are you that fucking fragile? Is that why you wear a bow tie?

KRYSTINA: Who are you?!

MARISHA: "I thought you guys would be more intimidated by this. All right. Look, I have been a puppet for Paddington for years. I'm basically his glorified assistant. I'm the brains of the entire operation, and what do I get? It's just, 'Hello Bearsley. Hi Bearsley. See you later, Bearsley, while we go on an amazing adventure.' It should be me running this organization."

KRYSTINA: Well, maybe next time you should book yourself a trip.

MARISHA: "I did."

DANI: You are, though! You are running the organization. I don't understand your logic, like at all!

MARISHA: "It's all under Paddington, and he will never appreciate me. That's why I started developing the balootonium using the laboratory funds and dispersing it across the entire continent."

DANI: That's why we're not getting paid.

LAURA: If you ask me, that's pretty shitty.

NOELLE: So why do you want to build a bomb?

DANI: Are you that sad?

MARISHA: "I want you all to come and work for me."

KRYSTINA: Couldn't you have just asked?

DANI and MARY: We have been working for you!

MARISHA: "I want the organization, not under Paddington. It belongs to me!"

MARY: Have you ever met Paddington?

MARISHA: "Yeah, a couple times."

NOELLE: What's he like?

MARISHA: "I can't tell you that."

KRYSTINA: You're telling me you couldn't have called a meeting to ask us to work for you?

DANI: You're in a mechanical thing, but you still have loyalty to Paddington, to where you're not going to even tell us what he looks like!

MARISHA: "I'm sorry, I'm under a contract, and I deeply respect contracts."

DANI: Fucking NDAs.

MARISHA: "It's the only thing that I really hold of value."

LAURA: Type in asshole and see what comes up.

DANI: I bet it's going to pop up on him.

KRYSTINA: Well, what do you know, I've got an asshole, detecting one in my presence.

MARISHA: "Look, you guys don't know what it's been like, okay? And I know the source to all the balootonium and how much balootonium is out there."

DANI: Yes, as a bunch of lady bears, we have no idea what it's like to be underappreciated.

MARY: Cry me a fucking river, motherfucker! Seriously?

KRYSTINA: You picked the wrong crowd.

MARISHA: "You know, this felt like every other bad guy situation in every other story, so I thought it would hold different."

MARY: How'd that work out for them?

MARISHA: "Well..."

NOELLE: Bearsley, can we drop the act? Why don't you take that suit of armor off and do something that makes sense? Like apply for another job or ask us to join your organization?

DANI: Why don't you just talk to Paddington?

MARY: Or start your own agency if that's what you want.

KRYSTINA: Why don't you just offer us more pay?

MARISHA: "You're all confusing me! This is what I'm talking about!" He goes (boop) and hits a button.

LAURA: Oh no!

DANI: Testosterone!

MARISHA: He hits another button on his mech suit and he goes, "Figure this out and then we'll see who's the smartest, honeys!" He jet packs through a trapdoor in the roof and then--

NOELLE: Someone grab him!

LAURA: Shoot at him!

BRITTANY: Wait for it. Wait for it, it's coming.

LAURA: Oh no!

BRITTANY: And then--

LAURA: Is this going to be like marbles--



NOELLE: Shit! Okay!

MARY: Oh my god, I loved this game when I was a kid!

KRYSTINA: It is male fragility!

NOELLE: I'm going to need all the brains here, all right.

DANI: There's a timer!

BRITTANY: He's escaped.

NOELLE: The bomb will cease to function if it has 12 or more of its wires removed. Okay. To make it more difficult to hack, the wiring is on a rotating circuit. Utilize the spinner to determine which wire color is safe to remove. For each balootonium marble that falls, 30 seconds is removed. More than three marbles fall-- okay.

DANI: Just make choices.

NOELLE: Red wires-- There are fewer red wires.

LAURA: So we got to pull a red one. But be careful we can't-- oh good!

MARISHA: Since you have a hacker in your group, I will allow you one re-spin.

LAURA: Oh, that's good.


MARISHA: So you have to pull 12--

DANI: I don't understand how this works.

KRYSTINA: I need you to pull slowly with the red wire.

DANI: I'm only muscle.

MARY: Yes! Good.

LAURA: If more than three marbles fall--

NOELLE: There are fewer red ones so we can't-- okay. Oh god.

LAURA: Wait.

MARISHA: If more than three marbles fall, a 60 second timer starts.

LAURA: We have to pull 12 wires.

NOELLE: You spin, I'll pull.

LAURA: Okay. Red. That's good. The red ones are the best ones to pull.


NOELLE: Oh god.


BRITTANY: Most bottom. Most bottom is--

NOELLE: That's not good! Red is not good.

LAURA: No, red is good.

NOELLE: Are you sure?

MARY: Red is good, there are fewer reds in there.

LAURA: Red again, holy shit!

NOELLE: Are there others on that side?

KRYSTINA: Yes, there's two on my side. Oh, no, there's one now.

LAURA: Oh god.

MARY: It's done.

LAURA: We're losing all of the base ones. Green.

NOELLE: Okay. We're going high, right?

KRYSTINA: Go high.

MARISHA: Six. You're halfway there.


NOELLE: Where? Here?


NOELLE: You pull it.

KRYSTINA: I'm going to push it to you.



NOELLE: Mine's harder on this side, I don't know about this.

ALL: Ooh!

LAURA: That was a bad spin.

MARISHA: You're good.

KRYSTINA: Mulligan!

LAURA: Green!

BRITTANY: Low. Go for low.

NOELLE: There are none on the bottom that's--


DANI: The green isn't very low.

LAURA: Okay, that's good.

MARISHA: Four more.

LAURA: Four more! Yellow.

DANI: There's a bunch of really low ones on yellow.

MARY: This one's really low, too.

LAURA: Green!

KRYSTINA: Where Grizz Leigh's pointing, that's the one, yo.

MARISHA: Which one, Grizz Leigh?

LAURA: That one? Yes, that one.

MARISHA: Nice. Green.

BRITTANY: We're getting too confident. We're getting too cocky.

KRYSTINA: No, that was okay.

MARY: How many are left?

MARISHA: I think two more? (counting) Eleven, twelve! (powering down) It completely turns off. I can't believe that that actually--

NOELLE: Oh man.

BRITTANY: That's why you're the brains. That's why you're the brains.

DANI: Yas queen!

MARISHA: Matt and I play-tested that ten times and it never went that well.

BRITTANY: Because your husband's an idiot.


MARISHA: You, with a combined team--

NOELLE: That was really fun. It was like pulling it out, it was so cool.

MARISHA: Thank you. With a combined team effort, you all manage to successfully defuse the bomb. I will allow you, if you want to move a point from bear to criminal, you can, but you do not have to. Because I remember so well.

DANI: I was a lot of moral support for that, so I will stay where I am.

NOELLE: My bear instincts that were leading the way on that one.

MARISHA: It was pretty good.

NOELLE: She just knew what to do.

MARISHA: It was pretty fucking amazing, I'm not going to lie.

MARY: Well done.

NOELLE: That was amazing.

DANI: What are we going to do about Bearsley?

NOELLE: Yeah, he's gone.

DANI: Yeah.

NOELLE: Should we search the lab and figure out?

MARISHA: He went through the roof in a jetpack power suit. You guys do look up and the trap door is still open. Maven, with your climb ability, you can see a pole that goes about halfway, and you could get a detachable ladder to drop about halfway down, to climb up to the roof if you would like.

NOELLE: All right, Maven, it's up to you.

LAURA: Should I try to climb up there?

NOELLE: Yes, please.

LAURA: All right, I'll give it a go.

MARISHA: You get advantage for your bear stat.

MARY: Bonne chance.

LAURA: A three! That is a success.

MARISHA: Absolutely. You, with no problem, do that bear climb, like up a tree.

MARY: Just this?

MARISHA: Just like this.

DANI: She's so impressive.

MARY: There you go.

MARISHA: You manage to hold on, and you reach over, flip open a latch.

LAURA: Come on now, all of you beauties.

MARISHA: There is a ladder to the roof.

NOELLE: She's amazing. What a woman. Climb up.

MARISHA: You guys all ascend up, and you see that you are in the middle of the ocean, pretty much in the middle of nowhere. You can barely see land.

MARY: Can I call the phallic of salmon?

DANI: It's high, though.

NOELLE: We're on the water.

MARISHA: It goes vroom, and you look over the edge and you can look down and you do see that it is right below you, but it does not fly.

NOELLE: How far down is it?

MARY: We've got a ride at least.

MARISHA: Three stories.

LAURA: Can we still see Bearsley in the sky?

MARISHA: As you say that, he flies up in his jet pack that he's trying to control.

BRITTANY: I pull out my gun.

LAURA: I go to shoot my last bullet at him!

BRITTANY: Oh no, magical bullet!

MARY and KRYSTINA: Magic bullet!

KRYSTINA: Magic bullet.

NOELLE: Do it! It's your shot!

MARISHA: Okay, so you all aim your guns. All three of you, including-- you've got a gun too, you've got your grenades going. Maven, you put your rifle on the edge of Grizz Leigh's shoulder and use it for balance, and you're going to blow that gun using that one last shot. See what you can do. He's kind of (zooming), so roll for criminal.

NOELLE: If it fails, maybe we can release more bees.

LAURA: I failed!

MARISHA: It goes wide, the gun explodes. It burns the edge of your hand as it backfires.

MARY: Get it out of your hand! Come on.

MARISHA: A little fur singes on all of you. The shot goes wide and unfortunately misses. He goes, (manic laughing). About this time, jetpacks don't hold a lot of fuel. Really, only like 30 seconds' worth, and he did not gauge this well.

DANI: He's not that bright. He's not smarter than the average bear.

MARISHA: He duck flails on the edge.

MARY: Can I call up the car to the surface?

MARISHA: You can.

NOELLE: Are there more bees in the car?


MARY: Bees.

MARISHA: The bees fly up. They are swarming in a planned hive mind type of formation. You want them to go after Bearsley?

MARY: I do.

MARISHA: He is completely surrounded by bees. He starts screaming, "Oh, why did I install that feature? I was being funny!"

MARY: I would like to jump onto the roof of the car. This could be crazy.

DANI: You're going to jump three stories?

MARY: No. Oh, we're way up on the roof?

MARISHA: You're on the roof. The car's below you.

MARY: Okay, has he fallen onto the roof?

MARISHA: He's on the roof in front of you all in his power suit like a turtle, a little stuck.

MARY: I mean, how long does the fireball take to detonate?

MARISHA: It's instantaneous.

MARY: It is? It's like a grenade?


MARY: Well, a grenade's like ten seconds.


NOELLE: So we throw it and then--

DANI: It's like a firecracker.

MARISHA: It's a magic grenade. It's unpacked.

NOELLE: Do we want to blow him up, or do we want to hold him accountable?

DANI: We only realized that the only reason that he did this was because he felt underappreciated.

NOELLE: Now his bees are appreciating him, so I hope he feels good now.

DANI: Clearly that was what he was after.

NOELLE: I personally would feel way better if we took him back and turned him in.

DANI: To whom?

NOELLE: I don't know.

MARISHA: He's currently being stung repeatedly by a swarm of bees.

NOELLE: It's fun to watch. I'm enjoying myself right now.

MARY: What do you want to do? You want to make him drop where?

KRYSTINA: Well, I'd like to make him drop down right to where we are, but I want the bees to come.

NOELLE: He's already on the ground, right?

MARY: He's on the roof with us.

MARISHA: Yes, he's in front of you guys.

MARY: I think if you want to blow him up, I'll shove a grenade in his mouth and I'm fine.

BRITTANY: I feel like it's your choice.

DANI: Yes, this is really more on you. I feel like this needs to be your decision.

LAURA: Maybe you can make out before you--

MARY: He's not the first bear I have loved, nor will he be the last.

KRYSTINA: I can take the stinger to 30.

MARY: Well, what do we want from him at this point? We could take him back and maybe meet Paddington, but there's no guarantee at that. What have we done? We have neutralized the bomb, so what do we want to do? We have solved the mystery. I'm trying to speak French.

DANI: At least it was just him and wasn't the entire High Bear Nation. I mean, he was the entire High Bear Nation.

NOELLE: Yeah, where do we stand right now?

BRITTANY: I say we blow him the fuck up.

DANI: I personally want to see him blown up.

NOELLE: I can't tell if we've won or not.

BRITTANY: He had his big speech, he had his last moments, he broke your heart. I say we fucking blow him up.

DANI: I think he deserves to be blown up.

MARY: Well...

NOELLE: Would that make you feel better?

MARY: No, what would make me feel better--

NOELLE: Wasn't he a fucking asshole?

MARY: He was a fucking asshole, I understand that. But if we blow him up, then what do we do? We do have evidence of the bomb, which is fine, but is our end game to meet Paddington? Because if it is, then somebody needs to take a picture of us doing this, or it's like, all of a sudden there's no evidence if we go back to Paddington and he says, "Why did you kill my main operative?"

NOELLE: I don't think we should kill him. I think we should restrain him. The bees are heavily stinging him. I don't know if he's allergic or not, but it's not pleasant either way.

MARISHA: "Oh god, it hurts so bad! Oh god, why? Make it stop, please!"

KRYSTINA: No one's listening to your complaints.

MARY: Let's get this contraption off of him, because if he's got a strap on, it could be loaded. You never know what's happening.

DANI: Could we have the bees pull him up? Can we make the bees go away and I'll pull him up onto the roof itself with us?

MARISHA: Sure. The bees eventually disperse.

DANI: I'll grab him by the scruff or something.

MARISHA: He, in his mech suit, sits up. Grizz Leigh, as the driver, you do recognize a lot of his mechanical contraption, and if you want to try and get him out, you can probably do that pretty easily.

DANI: Before she does that, I want to look him in the eyes, but off to the side, not really looking him in the eyes. I'm trying really hard, and I want to say: Look, I know that you and I haven't really had a lot of conversations, but I live at the building. What I'm saying is that if you fuck us right now, I will punch you in the face. Okay? Don't move. We're going to get this thing off of you, and if you move, I will punch you in the face.

MARISHA: "Okay."

DANI: Okay, cool. He's all yours, Grizz.

MARY: Just hold onto him. In fact, take an arm, each of you, and hold him by his legs because I've got to take this thing off.

MARISHA: Okay. Each one of you, one takes an arm, one takes the other arm.

DANI: You should grab him by the hair.

MARISHA: Half of you takes the legs. He's completely restrained. "Okay, I'm cooperating."

NOELLE: Take it off.

MARY: Okay. I would like to check for traps.


MARY: Can you, my darling, wonderful bear, can you look and see whether or not there are any triggers or anything else that would potentially cause a self-destruct mode of going boom and blowing us all up?

NOELLE: Well, that's what we were going to do to him anyway.

MARY: I know, but then we're all close to him, and I don't want to blow up with him.

KRYSTINA: You want me to type in booby traps?

MARY: Yeah.

NOELLE: If they're just sitting nearby, that might be a fun time.

MARISHA: He definitely has some pretty dangerous things attached to this, some more of those homing missiles that you guys had on the Double-O Salmon, but nothing that seems like it will explode when you take it off.

KRYSTINA: Can I perform a hard reset on his suit and ensure that there's no damage that comes to all of us?

MARISHA: Sure, yes.


NOELLE: She's really good. She just typed in "hard reset."

MARISHA: He is still locked in, though, so you'll need to get him out of that.

MARY: Okay. I would like to take my Allen wrench, which I brought with me.

MARISHA: Nice, yes.

MARY: It really is a handy tool, second only to duct tape. It saved Matt Damon's life on Mars, it must be good for something down here. But I do have an Allen wrench.

MARISHA: Yes, with that Allen wrench, you know this equipment pretty well. You easily get him out, yes.

MARY: Step on out of your harness of strap on, old Bearsley. Pull him out.

MARISHA: "You know, I'm really sorry, girls. I thought--"


MARISHA: "I'm really sorry, very respectable agents. You're right, I was wrong and I thought that I had to do something extravagant and cruel to garnish your respect and your attention."

MARY: You asshole, you had our respect.

DANI: You're really dumb, and I'm saying that.

NOELLE: I thought you were a snappy dresser and pretty cool. Like, I respect you a lot less now.

MARY: I don't understand why you would do this. You had our respect. We followed your orders, even though they were Paddington's, but even so, you asked us to do things. You asked me to do things, and I did them for you.

MARISHA: "I hope you know that my actions today don't change the way I feel about you, Grizz."

MARY: Well, that's too fucking late for that, pal.

MARISHA: "You're right, I definitely tried to kill you. Yeah, I convinced myself."

MARY: Do you think? It breaks the romantic thread in our relationship when you try and kill us.

MARISHA: "Yeah, you're right."

BRITTANY: It's still steamy, though.

KRYSTINA: I'd really like to know how you're an innocent party and play the victim when we're the ones who had to deal with your abuse of power.

MARISHA: "No, I'm not saying I'm innocent at all. I lost it a little bit. You see, ladies, I've been at the High Bear Nation for ten years." That's the second time.

KRYSTINA: Get another job.

MARISHA: Slippy system.

MARY: What, no more room for promotion? It seems to me you're second in line.

MARISHA: "I guess I always felt like I'd always be a number two."

MARY: Well, you are a number two today, my friend. You've acted massively like a steaming pile of number two.

NOELLE: If you're number two, then what are we? I mean, it's like, Jesus, man!

MARY: Get a hobby! Pick up a camera, do some photography. Figure out another way to fill this hole in your life instead of trying to kill us.

NOELLE: Don't do that.

DANI: Love is beautiful.

NOELLE: I have very little sympathy for you. Like, why are we even talking you through this right now? I don't care how you feel. All of this balootonium, that was you!

MARISHA: "Yeah."

NOELLE: That was you!

LAURA: We killed Crispin Glover because of you!

NOELLE: Is he dead?

MARY: I pull his armored pack away from him at this point.

MARISHA: He, "Honestly, I didn't expect, I didn't foresee a man's murder. That actually--"

NOELLE: Did we kill him?

LAURA: You pulled his eyeball out of his face!

MARISHA: He's probably dead, yeah.

DANI: He's Crispin Glover.

NOELLE: It didn't look like there was a lot of blood in his body anyway, I'm sure he doesn't have a lot to--

BRITTANY: He's a warlock, I'm sure.

MARISHA: "He did keep saying he was an interdimensional being. I just thought he was a crazy homeless guy."

NOELLE: Well, maybe killing him sends him back to where he's supposed to be. So we maybe set him free.

MARY: A little wiser for the wear.

KRYSTINA: Or starting a new civilization where Crispin Glover takes over and brings everyone to--

NOELLE: Well, we might have doomed the entire universe.

MARY: That's true. What the hell are we supposed to do with you?

LAURA: I say we take him back and let Paddington deal with him.

NOELLE: I say we take him back. I say this mission is in the bag.

MARY: Well, let's put him in a bag, then.

MARISHA: "You guys don't-- okay." You put another sack over him, halfway down. He's a tiny bear man, gets a little--

MARY: Bend your knees!

MARISHA: "Okay."

BRITTANY: I poke him in the butt.

MARISHA: "I'm sorry, okay."

KRYSTINA: I hope you enjoy the feeling of burlap.

MARY: I push him over. I've got a bag from underneath, and I tie up the bag, throw him over my fucking shoulder.

MARISHA: You guys take him, your proof, your treasure, everything. You've got the documents.

NOELLE: We have the balootonium.

MARISHA: You all get back in the Double-O Salmon. You head back to Stilben, drive across land back to the headquarters of the High Bear Nation in Shadowbear-- Shadebarrow. It's a real place.

BRITTANY: I like Shadowbear.

NOELLE: Shadowbear is way better.

MARISHA: Too many puns. Shadowbear is their borough in Shadebarrow. You report back. Paddington hears of your deeds. You get pulled in.

LAURA: Yay, Paddington!

MARISHA: "Well, thank you, honeys!"

ALL: Hi, Paddington!

MARISHA: "Hello, honeys! I am saddened to hear of this treachery from Bearsley."

BRITTANY: We are, too.

MARISHA: "Never thought it could come from one of our own at the High Bear Nation."

DANI: It was just him, right? It wasn't a bunch of people? It was just him?

MARISHA: "Absolutely."

LAURA: You're not secretly Ripley, are you?

MARISHA: "Who? Oh, you mean that wonderful woman that we've been making a trade deal with? I feel like that relationship has gone quite well. How did you like your Ripley Double-O Salmon?"

NOELLE: Well, it was very nice.

MARY: I've got to tell you, that was one heck of a ride. It was real nice. You've got to change that color, though. I don't know about that.

BRITTANY: Yeah, I agree.

MARISHA: "Notes on color, got it. Anyway, I appreciate you all coming to aid for the High Bear Nation. I believe Bearsley should take a little bit of a leave of absence on my account. Therefore, I shall need a new number two, Tova."


BRITTANY: You deserve it.

DANI: It's true.

MARISHA: "If you would like the position, I would love to meet with you face to face." 30 more seconds down!

NOELLE: We're a lot closer than I thought we were!

MARISHA: Wrap up the epilogue quicker!

BRITTANY: I like that the bomb is still here. We carried it with us.

NOELLE: More cheering. Everyone, be careful!

MARISHA: "Your revelry will blow us all up. Please don't. Anyway, you all have been granted raises and higher status at the High Bear Nation, titles of which I did not make up, but will come up with later."

DANI: Can I have an actual room instead of sleeping in the gym?

MARISHA: "Who are you?"

DANI: Don't worry about it.

MARISHA: "Who's that talking? Is she authorized?"

NOELLE: She is a fine agent, maybe the finest among us. Her eyes will never look right at you, but they always look into your heart.

BRITTANY: I put on my goggles and I look through the wall at Paddington.

DANI: Is he just behind the wall?

BRITTANY: To see if there is anyone behind the wall.

MARISHA: You simply see wires and speakers.

BRITTANY: Damn it, Paddington! You're so good! Damn it.

MARISHA: "Tova, I will be in contact for our face to face meeting. In the meantime, thank you, honeys. It has been a pleasure."

NOELLE: It's been an honor, Sir Paddington.

MARY: Thank you, Paddington.

DANI: Thanks, Paddington.

NOELLE: Girls, I couldn't have done it without you. You're the finest group of honeys a girl could ever ask for.

LAURA: Congratulations, Tova.

MARY: We're so happy for you. You deserve this more than anyone else.

DANI: It's true.

MARY: You've got to take a picture, though. You've got to have little camera pins or something.

NOELLE: Do you think he'll take a selfie with me? I'm just really excited.

DANI: I bet he's going to make you sign an NDA, though.

BRITTANY: Oh, so many NDAs.

MARY: Take the picture before you sign it, and run. Press transmit and send it to me.

KRYSTINA: Make sure you ensure that Bearsley doesn't get his job back.

NOELLE: Oh, absolutely. Oh my god.

DANI: I can't wait to say, "Hello, Tova," instead of Bearsley.

MARY: You can't wear no fucking bow ties, though.

NOELLE: Oh no, never. No, I'm not a bow tie kind of bear, no.

LAURA: You're a vest kind of bear.

NOELLE: I am a vest kind of bear, and a bowler hat kind of bear. I like the bowler hat. I think it works.

MARY: I like it, too. It's becoming.

NOELLE: Oh, thanks.

LAURA: Bear-coming.

NOELLE: That was amazing. That was transcendental.

MARY: Be the vest you can be.

NOELLE: B plus.

BRITTANY: I smoke a tiny cigarette in the corner and I watch everyone enjoy themselves and be friends, and I give a little wink to nobody.

MARISHA: As Tova and Grizz Leigh have their conversation about (singing) being the best you can be, B plus, that is the end of tonight's episode of Honey Heist 3: Tova's Honeys and the adventures of the agents of the High Bear Nation.

MARY: Way to go, Marisha!


MARISHA: Thank you.

(nostalgic screaming)

MARY: I loved this game when I was a kid.

MARISHA: Wasn't that a great game? KerPlunk!

MARY: What was it? KerPlunk!

MARISHA: KerPlunk! When I was trying to remember what this was called, I was like, "marble stick ball drop game" into Google, and it was like, "Oh, KerPlunk!"

NOELLE: These instructions were very--

LAURA: That was so confusing.

NOELLE: It was terrifying.

LAURA: Until we saw what it was.

NOELLE: Then I was like, "Oh, okay." What was the red thing? I couldn't get my head around that.

MARY: It just meant there were less red.

LAURA: Less likely to make balls fall, right?

NOELLE: Is that true?

MARISHA: No, that is the opposite.

NOELLE: I think that's the opposite.

MARISHA: Basically, there were six red ones, eight yellow ones, and ten green ones. The red ones were the base, but in a fucked up way, by pulling them all up front--

BRITTANY: Yeah, we got lucky.

MARISHA: If you pulled from the top bottom, then the red ones would have been basically the last remaining. I spent way too long putting the red ones very strategically.

MARY: You did it beautifully.

KRYSTINA: We engineered the heck out of it.

MARY: We did.

MARISHA: It was fascinating hearing the, "Are they the most important or the least important? I don't know."

DANI: We were bears with sticks.

MARISHA: Bears with sticks.

MARY: Amazing.

NOELLE: That was so crazy.

MARISHA: You're elite agents.

MARY: I never moved once.

MARISHA: No, you guys actually stayed pretty balanced.

MARY: I never moved any of my little things.

NOELLE: You succeeded at everything?

MARY: Yes, I never moved.

BRITTANY: I had three honeys, and I was this close to being like, "I eat all my honeys and I go berserk." Like, if we ever needed it, I would have been like (growling).

MARISHA: Oh, go full bear?

BRITTANY: Just go full bear.

NOELLE: That's when I can attack everybody forever. Unless I just fucking whaled on Bearsley for a long time.

LAURA: We were pretty chill about our attacking people.

MARY: What was great is we just disarmed him verbally. It's just like, "You know what?"

MARISHA: I was deeply interested how that was going to go. It's kind of amazing.

MARY: We shamed him. We fucking shamed him.

BRITTANY: If you just worked with us, we would have been cool, but you were a dick! You were a fucking asshole. You hurt Grizz; that's fucked up.

DANI: Why are you so mean to her?

KRYSTINA: You could have just gave us a competitive offer, we could have negotiated our terms, and then you'd have a cracked staff.

MARISHA: "You could have just talked to us." I was like, "Bad guy archetype, complaining about power, being second in charge." Like, "No, that's good. That's good."

MARY: I loved all the James Bond stuff, oh my god.

NOELLE: Honey Penny.

DANI: That was so funny.

NOELLE: It was inspired.

BRITTANY: Double-O Salmon broke me, of all the puns we came across. That defined this game.

NOELLE: I liked how long we took hiding the car, only to immediately call the car to us five seconds later.

MARY: No, we went down to the docks. We did some damage on the docks and got on the boat before the car.

DANI: I was legitimately concerned about people finding us and stuff like that. That was the worst.

NOELLE: They could have stolen our car.

DANI: Right?

MARY: No, we hid it very well. Burlap sack was good.

DANI: I was afraid those horses were going to rat on us.

MARY: Every burlap sack, just boom and it's gone!

MARISHA: Well, goodnight, everybody. Thank you all for joining me, and maybe next time on the prequel. I don't know, I'm making this up as I go. Don't quote me on this, but we'll see you next time.

ALL: Bye!

DANI: We love you, Paddington.

MARISHA: Flashback, flashback.

[upbeat jazzy music]

Community content is available under CC-BY-SA unless otherwise noted.