List of Transcripts


MARISHA: Hello everyone, and welcome to our very special one-shot edition where we are paying up on our good word for you guys that donated so much to our 826LA Charity Drive a few months ago, top of the year, whenever that was. Anyway, here it is! Welcome to the game.

SAM: (whispering) Say the title.

MARISHA: I'm a little nervous.

SAM: (whispering) Say the title of the game!

MARISHA: I'm going to say the title of the game, that's going to be my line to go into it! Come on!

SAM: I'm sorry! I'm sorry.

MARISHA: Always a director. Anyway, 826LA is-- oh shit, sorry. 826LA--


LIAM: (in mobster voice) When you only do it once or twice a year it's pretty fucking nerve wracking, am I right?

MARISHA: It is very nerve wracking! Okay, here we go. 826LA is an amazing charity that we support that helps children-- kindergarten all the way through senior year of high school-- to learn better skills to read and write creatively. They do a wonderful young authors program. And they always have these amazing little stores that you can go to in their front. Out here in L.A. it's The Time Travel Mart. They're great little date places as Taliesin has pointed out before. Go check it out, see if one is in your area and maybe volunteer. I think that's about it. Without further ado, let's get into Honey Heist 2: Electric Beargaloo!

[jazzy theme music]

Part IEdit

MARISHA: Okay. It has been exactly seven months and 28 days since the Hazel Festival in Westruun. It's been a hot year this year in Whitestone, almost as if the city is making up for lost time from its dreary history. As the sun is setting over Whitestone Castle, the air is still hot and sticky from the humidity. Vex and Percy have a few bags packed and are waiting by the front door, a floppy brimmed sun-hat resting on the pile. The happy couple are getting ready to leave for their annual Vox Machina summer reunion vacation in Dalen's Closet.

LIAM: Oh wow.

MARISHA: Trinket.

MATT: Yeah?

MARISHA: You are sitting poutily in the foyer watching the hustle and bustle and the chaos around you as Vex and Percy try to rush out the door. You know what this means: they're leaving and you're not going with them.

MATT: (sad bear huffing)

MARISHA: Vex walks up to you. "Percy darling, are we almost ready to go? (quietly) Where are you? (louder) Keyleth will be here at the Sun Tree to pick us up in five minutes!"


MARISHA: "Oh Trinket darling, don't give me that pouty face. Look, you know I would love to take you, but whatever casino Scanlan booked us at doesn't take bears, I'm so sorry."

MATT: (disappointed bear huffing)

MARISHA: "I know. But I need you here to hold down the fort! You are in charge while I'm gone, okay? I have arranged for plenty of treats while I'm gone."

MATT: (excited bear growl)

MARISHA: "Yeah! So you have to be a good boy-- "

MATT: (sniffing)

MARISHA: "No, don't, that's not for you. Okay. I love you! I'll see you in a week." She rubs your fur and gives you a kiss. (yelling) "Percy?! Come on!"


MATT: We knew that was going down.

TALIESIN: Too real.

BRIAN: (as Percy) I'm in the bath!


MARISHA: They quickly, in a flash, gather their things, half of a sleeve on Percy's jacket as he runs out the door and the door closes behind you.

MATT: (sad bear growl)

MARISHA: You're a little bit alone. It's a little dark, it's a little quiet. Whatever you want to do for a minute. Take this moment for yourself.

MATT: I'm going to try and sniff where those treats are.

MARISHA: Okay. Roll for bear.

SAM: Roll for bear.

MARISHA: You have to roll a d6 equal to or lower than your current bear stat.

MATT: Five. That's a failure.

MARISHA: Ooh okay. So you're a little bit frustrated you can't find them. I don't think they're actually--

MATT: (frustrated bear growling)

MARISHA: --here yet. So move one point from criminal into bear. As you decide to move into the pantry back into the cupboard, you're looking around. As you step out you try to go downstairs into the basement, into the cellar and a light clicks on. Little torch.


MARISHA: Click! Whoosh!

LIAM: It's magic!

MARISHA: Magic torch! Sitting there, in an awesome blue blazer power suit, is Tova from the High Bear Nation. She crosses her legs. She has red lipstick, and she looks at you and she goes, "Oh hello, Mama's Bear. Long time no see."

MATT: I adjust my armor, cross my bear arms and go: Yeah. It's been about six months if I recall.

MARISHA: "Yeah. Seven months, actually, almost eight. But who's counting? Look, the High Bear Nation is in need and you-- and whatever that team was that you had six or so months ago-- you're our last resort."

MATT: I'm not supposed to leave. I'm watching the place for Mom while they're gone on vacation.

MARISHA: "Oh, I know. I was waiting for the perfect time. Look, I'll make sure we have a representative here watching over the place while you're gone. Nothing will happen. But I need you to go get the gang back together. Look, here's the deal: Remember those ninja bears that kind of crashed into that cellar?"

MATT: I think about it every night.

MARISHA: "Yeah, me too. They're representatives of the Bear Acuda. We have gotten word that their leader, Hattori Bongo--"


MARISHA: "--has taken control of our main honey depot."

MATT: I'm sorry, what depot?

SAM: Honey.

MATT: Oh, honey depot.

MARISHA: "It is Tal'Dorei's largest honey depot, it is owned by the government. It's also known as Fort Lox."

(stifled laughter)

MATT: Right, right.

MARISHA: "Now look, we've seen a few people go in there and they haven't come back. We've sent a few of our own and the only person that we have gotten information back from is through one Message spell; a man named Kody. Kody Yak."

SAM: (giggles)

MARISHA: "Apparently, Hattori Bongo is trying to make Fort Lox his new criminal headquarters. This means there have been no shipments of honey coming in or out of the Fort. No shipments of honey, means no delivering of honey, means... Well, it just means no honey. I feel like that's pretty clear."

MATT: Yeah, no, I got that on the first time through. Appreciate the clarification.

MARISHA: "So I figure with your interests in The Slayer's Cake and the good work that you did last time, maybe you would be down to help us."

MATT: You promise you'll have someone reputable watch over the castle?

MARISHA: "I promise I will put my best men that are under you because I would have sent them into Fort Lox but they're not that good, but they're good enough to babysit a house."

MATT: Can I meet at least one of them? Get a smell off them? See if I can trust them?

MARISHA: "Sure. Yeah, I'll take you out back." She steps out and she gives a whistle, which I'm not going to do because I'm not very good at it.

BRIAN: (whistles)

MATT: Imagination.

MARISHA: You see a couple bears stand up out of the bushes. Didn't even see them before. One tips his head.

MATT: Do I get a sense that I can trust these bears?

MARISHA: Roll for... bear?

MATT: That's a success!

MARISHA: Yeah, they seem good enough. They look tough. They look like guys who you probably wouldn't want to meet in a back alleyway or a back forest or behind a tree or wherever bears hang out.

MATT: All right. Tova, I accept your deal. Only problem is I don't know where the rest of the troupe is. We've been scattered over the past half a year.

MARISHA: "I've caught a little bit of word that they've been hanging out in the woods just north of here, actually."

MATT: In the Parchwood?

MARISHA: "Yeah, we have informants everywhere. We keep an eye out on everybody."

MATT: All right.

MARISHA: "And look: this is a risky task. I'd like you to go ahead and clear out all of the Bear Acuda's clan that has rested in there including Hattori Bongo. Either get him to surrender or kill him. I don't care. If you do this, you can take ten percent of whatever honey stock is left in Fort Lox. If you fail, well. Say goodbye to any income from The Slayer's Cake, I guess."

MATT: (growls) All right, you got a deal, Tova.

MARISHA: She pulls out her kind of big, awesome, thick, muscular hands.

(impressed noises)

LIAM: You mean Noelle, right?

MARISHA: What's that?

LIAM: You just mean Noelle, right?

MARISHA: Uh-huh. Oh yeah, she works out, you can tell. With that, Tova slips out, wishes you farewell. Says, "Check in with me when you're done. I'll be waiting nearby."

MATT: All right. Thanks.

MARISHA: Feel free to do anything you want to prepare.

MATT: Okay. I'm going to go ahead and check up in my mother's room, in Mama Vex's room and see if she has access to any sort of a satchel or pack that could have some enchantment that could help us carry things along.

MARISHA: Okay, so you're raiding Vex's closet? All right, go ahead and roll for criminal as you're kind of stealing from Mom's wallet right now.

MATT: Borrowing!


MATT: That's a failure.

MARISHA: Ooh okay, you look around, you don't find anything. Move from bear to criminal.

MATT: All right. Shit!

MARISHA: Unfortunately, it looks like she has packed all of her remaining bags to take to Dalen's Closet.

SAM: She would.

MATT: I respect that.

MARISHA: And a lot of her wardrobe seems to be gone as well. She's really cleaned out her closet.

MATT: Could have used that bag of holding. Okay then. Let's see. I'm going to go ahead and go to the armory of Whitestone Castle and see if I can find any rope, chains, weaponry.

MARISHA: Okay. You make your way downstairs to Percy's workshop room. You try and trigger the door a little bit and it seems to be locked.

MATT: I'm going to go see if I can get some very tiny, well-made silverware from the kitchen and use it to pick the lock.

MARISHA: You know where the silverware is no problem. Roll for criminal.

MATT: Success!

SAM: Hey!

MARISHA: You've seen Percy go in and out quite a bit, you know how to open this, and you just simple latch. It's like a cat who knows how to open the bathroom door. You go downstairs. You take a look around. You find some rope, pretty easily. What else were you looking for?

MATT: Rope, chains, any weaponry that might be useful because I know we're going up against ninja bears.

MARISHA: Roll for... I don't know, what would this be, searching? Bear? It's so hard! There's only two stats!

MATT: Looking for weaponry in a hidden place.

MARISHA: It's probably criminal right?

MATT: All right. That's a failure.

MARISHA: You don't find any chains or any weaponry. The one thing that you do find, though, is a potion that was sitting on the wall.

BRIAN and SAM: Ooh!

MATT: I like that.

MARISHA: Everything else seems to be properly locked up in a very well protected gun locker with the key very well hidden.

MATT: Good for him. Being safe with his firearms. Responsible owner. Especially with children on the way, probably.

MARISHA: Okay, any last things you want to look for?

MATT: I guess it's time to assemble the team. I'm going to go ahead and make my way out to the Parchwood and start sniffing for any familiar scents. Find my allies.

MARISHA: It's pretty dark. When Vex and Percy left it was already getting right at sunset. They were trying to get a head start on the time zones. You know, catch that red eye. Anyway, make your way, do a bear sense as you go into the woods.

SAM: (whispers) Bear sense!

MATT: That's a failure.

SAM and BRIAN: Ooh!

MARISHA: You don't find anybody. You look for a few hours. After a while, does someone else want to make a bear sense?

LIAM: Hell yeah! How do I do this again?

MARISHA: Okay, roll a d6.

LIAM: Just one.

MARISHA: Just one. Every one of you have things that you are good at. Trinket, you're a grizzly, you're good at terrifying things. If you're good at something, you get to roll twice and take the lower. You basically have advantage.

LIAM: Well, I'm always looking for honey. Nah. I'm going to see if I sense anything with my bear senses. That's a success! That is a one.

MARISHA: That is a one. Okay. As you're looking for honey, you think you hear something in the woods. You're thinking maybe hyenas or coyotes coming up.

LIAM: Are we all together as group?

MARISHA: You are all together as a group, yeah.

LIAM: Holy shit, get ready. I think we're going to have a tussle!

MARISHA: You hear some twigs snapping under what's clearly a very heavy weight. About this time, Trinket comes out of the woods, very frustrated, very irritated, and a little tired.

MATT: Oh, finally.

LIAM: Son of a fuck.

TALIESIN: Look who the cat dragged in.

LIAM: The Whitestone Wonder.

BRIAN: (groaning) Ugh.


MATT: Good to see you too, Las Vegas.

BRIAN: Yeah, welcome back.

SAM: Hey, (stuttering) how's it going, Trinket? It's been a while since we've seen you.

MATT: You all right, Peddy?

SAM: I'm coming down off a meat bender. I haven't eaten meat in so many years. I couldn't resist anymore. I had so much. (sniffles) I'm coming down pretty hard. (sniffles) You got any meat?

MATT: I slap him.

MARISHA: Okay, roll for bear.

MATT: Success.

MARISHA: He slaps you.

SAM: I needed that.

MATT: Pull it together, Peddy.

SAM: I can't. I just fell off the wagon.

MATT: Well, I need you back on it.

SAM: What do you mean? What's going on?

BRIAN: Give him some Bear-nadryl.

LIAM: My man Las Vegas with the puns!

BRIAN: Ay. I just woke up.

MATT: Friends, compatriots, or whatever the hell you might be, we did some good work a while back, did we not?

TALIESIN: It's true.

LIAM: Yeah, it was a good thing.

SAM: There was some honey.

MATT: Well, word came to me not too long ago that there might be another operation that could use our particular skill sets. So as opposed to wandering here in the forest, failing to find honey, gorging on meat, and sleeping until it's nighttime, like an asshole, how about we all get back together for another try at the gains and the glory, huh?

LIAM: Well, I don't know. I don't know, Trink. You know, we had a good thing going for a long time there and then you seemed a little less interested. Now you're in need, you come looking for us. Interesting, interesting.

SAM: I thought we were out of this game. I thought we were going legit. Now he's pulling us back in.

MATT: No, no. We ain't heisting from the government. We're heisting for the government.

BRIAN: Ooh. But their benefits are bad.

MATT: They're hoping to get more things from the Tal'Dorei Council to improve our sight and healthcare, but we're a few months off.

BRIAN: What kind of gold are they offering? And by gold, I mean honey, because it's gold.

MATT: Because it is indeed golden. Word is, this terrible Bear Acuda-- the people we tussled with back then-- they've taken Fort Lox. They've taken it good, and all the honey that'd been making its way out here to the sweet side of this end of the Lucidian Ocean, it's caught up. That means, whatever you're enjoying? That's going to dry real fast unless someone does something.

LIAM: We are talking about the Fort Lox?

MATT: That's what we're talking about, buddy.

SAM: No, no, no. It's impenetrable. Impenetrable! Can't be done.

MATT: Except they did it. If they can do it, we can do it better. Right, Peddy?

SAM: I don't know. I'm a little shook up still. I got these headaches and fevers. I need a little more meat and then I'll be okay.

MATT: Tell you what. I know these woods pretty well. Maybe a quarter-mile up the way I know there's a little bit of a patch of bamboo. Used to be part of a de Rolo garden long ago, before it was forgotten. You think that'll help wake you up a little?

SAM: I haven't had bamboo in three months. It's why I've been turning to the meat.

MATT: Walk with me. All of you, walk with me. Let's check in. We all might be a little rusty. See what skills we got in the bag, huh?

LIAM: What do you think, Waffle? Are the Sweets Brothers back in business?

TALIESIN: Well, he certainly sweetened the pot for me. I say we follow, see where this leads.

MATT: I'll tell you more along the way, come on.

LIAM: Lead away, Big Bear.

SAM: Coming, Las Vegas?

BRIAN: (sighs) Let's do it.

SAM: One more time for old time's sake?

BRIAN: One more old time for your sake, yeah. Let's do it.

SAM: Saking it for the olds.

BRIAN: We're going to forsake all others and--

TALIESIN: Let's forsake that time for the one more.

BRIAN: Carp-- carp the DMs. I got enough booze to last us three days.


MATT: Cheers to that.

MARISHA: You all head to the banks of the river and find the cache of bamboo that Vex has been slowly working on growing. As you talk and figure out your plans, we're going to roll for roles.

MATT: Who's going first?

LIAM: I'm going first because I said so. Here it comes. Hey, that's a six.

MARISHA: You're The Face.

LIAM: Hey, hey, hey!

BRIAN: That's a good face.

LIAM: Badda bing, badda boom!

MARISHA: I love it.

TALIESIN: Here we go. Do I reroll if I got the same thing?

MARISHA: You can be the same thing if you want. I'm going to say your choice.

TALIESIN: I want to keep going.

BRIAN: It's just his face repeated.

TALIESIN: I'm The Brains.

MARISHA: You're The Brains! The Face and The Brains, Cookie and Waffle.

LIAM: You got all you need right here, is what I'm saying.

TALIESIN: Yeah. I know what we're doing.

MARISHA: Peddy Tuxpin.

SAM: Wait, what? I am The Driver.

MARISHA: You're The Driver!

BRIAN: Let the guy who's going through withdrawal drive us around.

SAM: I'll be fine. Just got to keep it between the two yellows.

MARISHA: Liam Las Vegas has taught you quite a bit over the past seven months.

BRIAN: Yes, he has. Taught him about many things.

MATT: After he crashed the last wagon, they won't let him back.

MARISHA: He got his license revoked.

MATT: All right. Trinket this time has been focusing a little more of his downtime to be a-- what's a five?

MARISHA: The Thief.

LIAM: Again!

MATT: In fact, I've been focusing my skills even further, the same path! Look, my papa-in-law, bless his soul, and Mama Vex has dabbled a bit in that direction. I paid attention. I think it's time that I follow in the family's footsteps, you know? Thief it is.

LIAM: You know what they always say about Trinket. Consistency.

MARISHA: All right, Liam Las Vegas.

MATT: What you got, Vegas?

MARISHA: Looking for a one or a four.

LIAM: Liam, hurry it up, you stubborn prick, you!

BRIAN: You're looking at The Muscle.


SAM: The small guy. You have been working out a little bit. That's why you're always asleep.

LIAM: You and that Atkins.

BRIAN: I got gout too, though.

LIAM: Plusses and minuses.

MATT: It's a sliding scale, really. Looking fit. I think we could use you at the front.

BRIAN: I'll be at the front. I'll be in the back. I'll be everywhere you need me.

MATT: All right. I think we got a pretty good spread here, guys. Not too bad.

SAM: While you guys start thinking up a plan, I'm going to indulge in some bamboo, if that's all right with youse.

BRIAN: Do you think your system will be okay with it? I mean, it's been, you know--

SAM: I need it bad. I need something bad. I got the jitters. I got the shakes. I got the bear legs. I got the upstreams. That's where you try to pee, but it goes upstream.

LIAM: Peddy, you're getting back in. Take it orally, all right? Don't mess around with your backside, your snout. Straight ace. You got to start slow.

SAM: That's smart. Okay. I'm going to try to eat some bamboo. Calm myself down.

MARISHA: All right, roll for bear? I think with advantage?

SAM: I succeeded.

MARISHA: Okay. You successfully chill out a little bit. I would say you take one point from bear to criminal. Calm down a little bit.

SAM: This is the stuff. I haven't tasted this in so long. Thanks, Trinket, for the hookup. That meat, it does terrible things to the system. It's really awful.

LIAM: Yeah. You know, we tried to tide him over with eucalyptus? Didn't work.

SAM: Not the same thing.

MATT: Yeah, well, it's hard to get it out here. Rots away by the time you get it over the ocean. All right, so here's the deal. The Bear Acuda have taken Fort Lox. It's all under their management, their holding. There's one at the top. One son of a bitch.

BRIAN: Who is it?

MATT: Hattori Bongo.

SAM: Have we heard of him?

MATT: The Hattori Bongo himself. Thought dead for many years. Out of hiding, takes the fort for himself. Ain't no one standing up to him. That's where we come in. They're looking for assaults, armies, broken at their gates. But five slick-as-shit bears coming in there in the shadows? And a badger. Four-- look.

LIAM: Honorary bear.

BRIAN: It's kind of a bear.

LIAM: We agreed on honorary bear. Why you always got to bring it up? You're part of the family.

BRIAN: You know how I feel about things being intrinsic rather than complimented.


MATT: I appreciate you being forward with that and we respect your sensitivity to the matter, and we'll keep that in mind going forward.

BRIAN: Thank you.

MATT: But seriously, get with the program.

BRIAN: I've been in the program for years; it's not helping.

MATT: We got to get in there, take out, destroy, kill, disseminate, disintegrate, whatever-- these ninja bears get in our way, find this Hattori Bongo, take him out alive or dead; I haven't been given a preference, and if we can free, the honey flows free. And this group of five right here? We get to take a ten percent cut ad infinitum.

LIAM: Ten percent?

MATT: Ten percent.

LIAM: Oh, we're going to beat this Bongo motherfucker like a drum.

SAM: I don't know. I've heard of this guy. He doesn't just kill you, he declaws you first. Yeah. He's bad business.

LIAM: That's just talk.

TALIESIN: That's noise in your ears. That ain't true.

MATT: It might be a little true.

LIAM and TALIESIN: That ain't good.

MATT: That's why we got to strike first. We got to strike.

BRIAN: I might know a thing or two about Bongos.

SAM: Like what?

BRIAN: You say Bear Acuda. Those guys we ran into back during the festival? I been running a few side jobs while you've been gone. Yeah, we've been doing our thing, but I've got to make coin to keep up with all of my hmm-hmm. Ran a few side jobs for this guy, Vinnie the Pooh. He was an all right guy. Paid pretty well. Laid pretty well. Anyways, Vinnie had me do a job where I was driving for these guys-- transporting something, I didn't know what it was-- but the ninjas were there.

SAM: They were there?

BRIAN: They were escorting us, like some kind of security.

SAM: Where was it?

BRIAN: It was in the forest outside Whitestone.

MATT: That's right. There's a section of the Parchwood right there. It's about a hundred acres of wood.

BRIAN: It's actually 1,972 acres, to be exact.

MATT: That's a lot of acres.

LIAM: Point of order with the honey runner: that did seem an awful lot like a heist flashback.

MARISHA: You guys are planning currently. But yeah, if you want to take it to voluntarily move a point, I'll allow it.

LIAM: Well, this guy just talked about a past job.

MARISHA: That's true.

SAM: Do you want to flash back to it?

LIAM: He just did it. You saw it. What does he get? Extra salmon? A honey pot?

MARISHA: If you want, you can move a point from bear to criminal.

SAM: I'm going to need a little more flashback.

MARISHA: It's voluntarily.

BRIAN: I'll wait. Yeah, I'll wait. (whispering) I forgot about the flashback thing.

MARISHA: You can voluntarily move a point from bear to criminal if you all choose to take a criminal planning sequence flashback. That's up to you guys, if you're feeling like you're on the brink.

LIAM: All the bears got to get involved?

MARISHA: It's voluntarily, so up for whoever wants to be a part of it.

LIAM: Got it, got it, got it.

MARISHA: If you are getting pretty high on criminal, you can move a point from criminal to bear by eating a shitload of honey.

MATT: We got to get honey to eat it.

MARISHA: Yeah, you all currently have no honey. You forgot to pick that up.

MATT: Well we can go back to Whitestone. I was trying to find these dewies, right? We haven't left yet.

MARISHA: That's actually true. You are still close to the castle. If you wanted to backtrack, you could.

TALIESIN: We may need some honey for the road.

MATT: I think we're going to need to stock up. How about you all find your way back on the outskirts of Whitestone castle? Don't want to freak out our guards there.

LIAM: You got access to that bakery shop?

MATT: I do indeed.

LIAM: Fuck yeah.

MATT: All right, follow me. We all in?

SAM: You know it.

BRIAN: (sighing)

MATT: Three, two, one--

SAM: I can't count.


LIAM: Ka-bear!

MATT: I like that. All right, come on. I lead them on back to Whitestone, to the outskirts of Whitestone castle.

MARISHA: Okay. Are you leading them to The Slayer's Cake?

MATT: Yes. I'm not taking them through the city. Wait--

ALL: Wait.

MATT: You have to understand, even though it's late night here, it's going to be hard for us to infiltrate the city without freaking folks out who think we're a bunch of roving bears. We've got to disguise ourselves.

SAM: As what, though?

MATT: There is one haberdashery inside Whitestone city. We can help blend in with the locals at night time. You know, all the drunken folks who wear hats and throw up on the sides of the road.

BRIAN: Hey. Take it easy.

SAM: No offense. He meant no offense.

BRIAN: All right, all right, all right. Don't fuck with the muscle before it's had a chance to flex.

MARISHA: (laughter)

MATT: Noted.

SAM: All right, so hats first.

MATT: Just to blend in, you know.

SAM: Sure, sure.

MARISHA: You go down to the hat store. Knowing you, you probably have written one in canon to Whitestone that I don't know the name of.

BRIAN: Is there a hat-chery around?

MATT: I didn't have one specifically named, but-- I don't know, you're the one who designed most of the city's infrastructure.

TALIESIN: I know, I'm trying to think of a good haberdashery name for-- what would be a Whitestone haberdashery? Dear god almighty.

SAM: Hats 'N' Things!

TALIESIN: Nothin' But Hats.


MARISHA: Nothin' But Hats. You guys head down. It's pretty late. It's the middle of the night.

LIAM: I do not nut butthatches.

MARISHA: Nothin' Hatters is not open tonight.

BRIAN: Looks like we're going to have to break in, gentlemen.

MATT: That's where my speciality comes in. You see, all this time you cats have been wandering the forest and eating whatever you stumble upon-- meat for some of us-- I've been practicing my skills. And I pull out the same bits of silverware that I took from the kitchen.

MARISHA: Trinket is so cocky. I love it.

LIAM: Broken oyster fork.

MATT: Super tiny. The little things you'd stick on the ends of the corn cob to make it easy to go. All the tiniest bits of silverware that I can get.

TALIESIN: I imagine you with a spoon, jamming it open.

MATT: I'm going to wait until the coast is clear of any of the various guards and see if I can break in through the back of the hat store.

MARISHA: Okay. Waffle, why don't you roll for criminal to keep watch. And you roll for criminal to try and pick the lock.


MATT: I'm going to take 2d6 on this. Both fail. So when we fail, we move a point into criminal, right?

MARISHA: You move a point into bear, because you are frustrated. With that, you hear (knocking). "Ey! Ey, what are you do-- Aww, fucking bears again! Git! Git!" It sounds a lot like the same guards from last time.

LIAM: I got this, I got this. I've been working on my Common for the last seven months. Excuse me, my good gentlemen. I was wondering if there was any way for me to purchase a hat at this late hour in the evening. Does it sound like growling?

MARISHA: "Oh, this one's been getting into the brew stash. Git! Git on!"

LIAM: Well shit. This is not working!

SAM: Are there any wagons around? Or things with wheels?

MARISHA: Yes, there is, back in the alleyway behind the hattery, a wagon.

SAM: Is it attached to a horse?

MARISHA: It is not. It's by itself. It is unhitched.

SAM: All right. I'm going to go grab it. I don't know what I'm going to do! I'm going to grab it and try to hitch myself to it. And try to, I don't know-- blast in front of the guard and hopefully--

MARISHA: Trying to do a drive by pick up and run thing?

SAM: Yeah. Blast in front of the guards and have them all come on, jump up.

MARISHA: Okay. Roll two, take the lowest. Because this is your specialty.

SAM: Okay, that's a success. I'll just-- (panting) Hop on, guys!

MARISHA: As this guard is poking at you with his javelin situation, you see this giant panda, Peddy Tuxpin, (thudding footsteps) from behind.

SAM: Hop on! I'll get us out of here!

MARISHA: Pulls up with the wagon.

LIAM: We didn't get the hats! What are we doing?

BRIAN: How big are the guards?

MARISHA: They're pretty big. And probably have more coming.

MATT: I'm going to turn to them and use my Terrify skill as Trinket to spin around drop my silverware and go (roaring).

MARISHA: Roll two, take the lowest.

MATT: For bear? That's good, because I had accidentally misallocated my points earlier. I'm on the cusp of going feral.

MARISHA: You should all always have six points that go back and forth.

MATT: Correct, yes. That's a success on bear for the Terrify skill.

MARISHA: Okay. About that time, the guys drop their javelins. They take off running. I'd say you have a little bit of time, but there will now be reinforcements. Your presence is known.

MATT: Hey, muscle. Come get the door. You break that shit down.

BRIAN: I'm going to break the door down.

MARISHA: Roll for bear with advantage.

SAM: Wow, bear-vantage.

BRIAN: Fail!

MARISHA: (crashing) Your shoulder goes right into the iron brace bar right across it.

BRIAN: What kind of ground are we standing on?

MARISHA: Stone pavers.

SAM: Hey, hey, I got this cart. Someone want to jump on it? And hop on the roof?

MARISHA: About this time, you guys are hearing more clickity clackity of guards running up.

LIAM: Why don't we crash it in the doorway, grab the hats, and go!

TALIESIN: That's a good idea. Let's do it.

MARISHA: That's what he just tried to do.

SAM: He didn't break down the door.

LIAM and TALIESIN: With the cart!

SAM: Oh, okay! I'm going to back it up (beeping). I'm going to go full throttle and try to slam the side of the cart into the door. I've got afterburners.

MARISHA: Okay, yeah, sure. Yeah. Roll twice, take the lowest. Why not? I'm curious to see what happens.

SAM: For which?

MARISHA: For criminal.

SAM: That's a success.

MARISHA: Okay. You get enough of a running jump, and as you turn, you get a nice section this big or so that crashes through. You splinter the door inward. I don't think any of you could fit through, with the exception of Liam Las Vegas.

BRIAN: Guys, I'm going to use these muscles to carry hats back out of here.

TALIESIN: Grab whatever you can, throw it on the cart. We're out of here!

MATT: I'll turn to Liam real fast and say: Remember what we talked about at the edge of the forest. I'll flash back when we were at the outskirts of the Parchwood and we were sitting there, pulling cigarettes out of our mouths, like: All right, so we want red hats, green hats, brown hats, black hats, specifically wide brims, short brims, long brims, high brims. Whatever type of hat you can get, just grab it. We'll see what all comes out in the wash. All right?

LIAM: I want something fancy!

BRIAN: Okay, fancy.

TALIESIN: Something with a feather, if you've got it.

SAM: Something made of bamboo?

BRIAN: Something made of bamboo.

MARISHA: "Come here! They're over here!"

BRIAN: Yeah. I'm going to forget this in five minutes, so can you repeat it then?

MARISHA: "Come on, Charlie!"

MATT: Back into the moment. Remember what we said.

BRIAN: Yes, I remember. Hats, fancy, feather. Then I dive through the thing, and then I start throwing the hats through the hole, if it's big enough.

MARISHA: Okay. It's like a vending machine. Just hats. You guys catch. About that, you get a pretty good stack. And you guys--

TALIESIN: Let's get out of here!

MARISHA: --see the guards coming up running.

BRIAN: And then I dive back through the thing and into Trinket's arms.

MARISHA: Okay. Peddy, as you take off, there's some guards who try to flank you, coming around the other side. Roll for driver to try and get around them.

SAM: I'm going to try to scoot right through this alleyway that I didn't even see before, but it's just tight enough to fit through.

MARISHA: You're like, I can totally make it, I can totally make it. Ooh, it's getting narrower as I'm getting closer. Roll twice, take the lower, for criminal.

SAM: Oh, that's a big fail.

MARISHA: Oh god.

SAM: I didn't see the overhang!


MARISHA: And that's pretty much exactly what happens. You go through, some of the edges of the cart start shattering off. You guys who were riding, roll for bear to see if you can hold on.

LIAM: Oh my god!


BRIAN: Success!

MARISHA: Oh god. Peddy, you are oblivious. You keep running. The three of you fall off and the guards are catching up to you. What do you do?

LIAM: It didn't work the last time, but I'm going to talk to these gentlemen. *Monsieur, monsieur, monsieur*, we are traveling emissaries-- this all sounds like this: (growling)-- traveling emissaries from the far shores of Huntington Gardens. We were on a honey and hat tour and we seem to have gone astray. I was wondering if you could guide us to the outskirts of town so we can cause your gentle hamburg no more trouble.

MARISHA: Roll twice for criminal, take the lower.

LIAM: That is a success.

MARISHA: Okay. You have six points, right? Yeah, you're good. Your success.

LIAM: So that means I go into bear. Succeeds criminal, go into criminal?

SAM: Succeed does nothing, right?

MARISHA: If you succeed, you get more greedy, and you move one from bear into criminal.

LIAM: Okay.

MARISHA: Yes. When the plan goes off without a hitch, move one point from bear into criminal. The guards stop.

LIAM: (yowling)

MARISHA: "Were those bears hurting you, good sir?"

LIAM: (yowling)

MARISHA: "You must be a tourist. I am so sorry that you had to experience that in our wonderful city. We're really trying to get our animal control into a respectable situation. Here, sir." And he pulls out a little "Welcome to Whitestone" patch. "We like to give this out to some of our favorite tourists."

LIAM: I eat it.

MARISHA: "Okay sir, uh, thank you so much," and he turns and walks away. He half-understands you.

LIAM: He thought I was a firbolg! (cackling)

SAM: I'm still running full speed.

TALIESIN: I'm going to gather the hats and get out of here.

MATT: Cookie. Mighty impressive.

MARISHA: You guys that fell off, you gather the hats that fell off the back of the cart. Following Peddy into the outskirts of the city, you guys all know, more or less, where you're meeting up. After a few minutes, you all convene and you all sort through your prize and get to pick which ones you guys want. Let's roll for hats!

SAM and BRIAN: Roll for hats?

MARISHA: Roll for hats! Yeah, let's go this way now since, yeah.

SAM: Just give us the number.

MARISHA: Just give me the number and I'll tell you.


MARISHA: You get the fez.

SAM: Nice. The muscle always gets the fez.

BRIAN: It's true, that happened last time. Thank you.

MARISHA: Okay, Trinket.

BRIAN: Support your local Lions club.

MARISHA: Everyone's rolling a d8 for these, right?


MATT: Five. It's a cowboy hat.

MARISHA: You get the cowboy hat!

LIAM: Yes! You played yourself.

MATT: I did.

SAM: We're rolling a d8 for this.

MATT: Oh, it's a d8. Let me roll again.

MARISHA: Hey team, where did that-- oh, here it is.

MATT: Wait, hold on. I rolled the wrong dice.

BRIAN: Well, I did too, but I don't care, I'll keep the fez.

MATT: Well, no, I still rolled a-- the number would've been a five, same thing.

MARISHA: The number would've been the same thing.

MATT: Oh, I still get a-- I still got a five anyway. So it's the cowboy hat.

LIAM: Give him the torture hat!

MARISHA: You were destined for the cowboy hat.

LIAM: Yeah, and you can't get away from it, Matt.

MARISHA: All right, Peddy.

SAM: Three, that is a bowler.

MARISHA: Okay, what color bowler do you want? We have gray, we have green, we have black.

SAM: I'll go with green, the colorful one. Oh boy, look at that, I'm like the Riddler.

MARISHA and TALIESIN: It's exactly what you are.

MARISHA: Waffle.

TALIESIN: I also got a three.

MARISHA: So you also get a bowler unless you decide you want to mix it up.

TALIESIN: I'll take the gray bowler.

MARISHA: You want the gray bowler?


LIAM: I got you.

TALIESIN: Thank you.

MARISHA: Cookie.

LIAM: Boosh. I rolled a six.

MARISHA: You also get a fez.

LIAM and BRIAN: Yes!

SAM: You have multiple fezzes just in case?

MARISHA: Yeah! We have multiple of a few things.

LIAM: Will it fit on my gigantic head is the question.

SAM: No, it's a yarmulke.

MATT: (laughter) Fits better than my cowboy hat does.

MARISHA: You guys all look like members of the Shriners association, okay.

BRIAN: Yep. In the little car (sings).

MARISHA: As you guys are now in the middle of the dark, north of the woods of Whitestone, you know the direction to the 1,972-Acre Woods. It'll probably take you an hour and a half.

MATT: Wait, we didn't get any honey. We've got to go to the Slayer's Cake. The point of getting the hats was to hide as people to get the honey because we've got nothing in our stores.

MARISHA: You also have the entire guard and everyone out looking for you?

MATT: Shit, you're right.

TALIESIN: There might be a backup plan.

SAM: What, you know something we don't?

TALIESIN: Maybe on the outskirts of town there's a place where about three or four nice beehives not too high up in the tree, close enough to a running body of water that we throw it in there, run away really quick and then we go in for a little bit of honey.

LIAM: Waffle is the brains.

MATT: I can tell that. All right, lead us on, Waffle.

MARISHA: Roll twice, take the lower for brains for criminal to track down this place. You feel like you remember--


MARISHA: You fail, you don't remember where this honey is.

TALIESIN: I don't remember where it is, but it was very--

SAM: That's our brains.

LIAM: It's a good idea. Implementation is everything.

MARISHA: You guys take a few hours, walking the edge of the rivers.

MATT: You had five bear and you failed?

TALIESIN: Yeah. I was bear, and it was criminal.

MARISHA: He was rolling for criminal, and you failed, so you should-- did you go-- when your plan fails and you run into difficulty, you move one point from criminal into bear. You didn't really run into difficulty.

TALIESIN: I didn't run into difficulty. I attempted a flashback, basically.

MARISHA: That's true.

TALIESIN: That was actually what I was trying to do.

MARISHA: Do you want to voluntarily move a point. Is that what you're wanting to do?

TALIESIN: Yeah, that was what I was trying to do.

MARISHA: Okay, go ahead and move a point. But unfortunately, I'd say you don't quite remember where these beehives are.

TALIESIN: If only we could find those beehives.

MARISHA: If anyone else wants to search?

TALIESIN: Oh god, bears can't-- Can bears look up? Maybe that's part of the problem.

LIAM: All right, so the bakery is a bust. Waffle can't remember the honey spot. What about this castle you live in? They don't got a pantry or a kitchen or nothing?

MATT: I can certainly try.

SAM: Want us to come with you?

MATT: Best make this a quick in-and-out. They know me-- I don't want to cause any ruckus.

SAM: How do we know that you're not going to keep the good stuff yourself and give us the dregs? I'd feel more comfortable if one of us went with you.

MATT: All right, who do you want it to be?

SAM: Definitely the brains of the operation.

MATT: All right, Waffle. Come on, let's go. As me and Waffle make our way to Whitestone--

MARISHA: Okay, it probably takes you about 45 minutes now-- since you guys had walked a little bit up the river looking for these-- to get back. The guards stop you. "Who's this guy?"

MATT: (bear grunts)

MARISHA: "All right."

TALIESIN: What he said.

MARISHA: He steps out of the way. You go in, you look around, you go to the pantry. It's pretty easy-- you only find two jars. There's not a lot there. But I'd say there's two uses.

MATT: That's helpful.

MARISHA: You gather your stuff-- anything else?

MATT: Anything else you want to prepare with? Slim pickings. Mama took it all with her.

TALIESIN: They always leave something. I want to rifle through the entire kitchen-- just through everything. I want to go through every drawer, empty it onto the floor, and see what's there.

MARISHA: Roll for-- what is searching? Is searching for bear?

TALIESIN: It's not searching. I want to roll the place like a bear.

MARISHA: Like a bear? Then roll for bear.

TALIESIN: All right. Success.

MARISHA: You destroy the kitchen.

TALIESIN: Do I find anything? I was looking for some silverware, maybe some napkins.

MARISHA: You knock over a coat rack-- one of those freestanding coat racks that was standing.

TALIESIN: Who put that in the kitchen. That was such a bad idea.

MARISHA: Yeah, it was a pretty bad idea. It falls over and this big, long trenchcoat falls over you. And you go, "Eh, might be useful. I don't know."

SAM: Trenchcoat of invisibility.

MATT: I'm going to go pick up some more thieves tools from the kitchen. Like a meat tenderizer and a turkey platter.

SAM: A melon baller?

BRIAN: Does this house perhaps have a wine cellar?

MARISHA: Mm-hmm.

BRIAN: I'm going to go down there for a little bit.

SAM: You're not in there. You're outside.

MARISHA: The brains is there.

SAM: He's the brains.

BRIAN: But I can dig into the wine cellar.

SAM: You're going to break into the castle?

BRIAN: No, it's fine. I'm thirsty.

MARISHA: Okay, you guys gather your stuff, you meet the rest of the Sweet Brothers at the edge of the forest, and you slowly start making your way towards the 1,972-Acre Woods. It's a little bit of a trek-- it takes you the rest of the evening. By the time that you get there, the sun is rising. Wait for it.

SAM: Waiting.

ALL: Wait.

[classical music]

MARISHA: As you the approach this clearing in the woods, you can hear soft music in the distance. A string quartet. Rich smells of cured meats and cheeses waft past your nose that are immediately counterbalanced with saccharine sweet maple, honey, and cinnamon scents, as well as the very coveted--

BRIAN: Meats.

SAM: Smell it.

MATT: No. Hold it in.

BRIAN: Resist brother.

SAM: Okay, okay.

MARISHA: You can tell this is coveted grade-A honey. This isn't the cheap shit. Following where your senses are leading you, you all begin to see blush-colored roses and wild daisies draping from nearby trees. An old and opulent brick and wooden manor reveals itself in the dense forest treeline. And the full picture starts becoming a little bit more clear. A beautiful courtyard gated in iron-wrought fencing is spotted with several tables being dressed with tablecloths and matching floral centerpieces to the rose and daisy garlands you saw upon entering. Several bears in aprons skitter around as they set up for what appears to be a wedding.

LIAM: Bears?

MARISHA: Server bears.

LIAM: Ooh!

SAM: Server bears.

MARISHA: They're bears. A dessert table is being adorned with honey cakes, the bar has copper mugs with bamboo stir sticks being placed. You all have made it to Vinnie the Pooh's manor.


MATT: Is this how other bears live?

SAM: It's a little piece of heaven.

TALIESIN: Sweet digs.

MATT: This is what happens when all of the Whitestone tax cuts go to the one percent bears. Just pisses me off.

SAM: Hey, let's not talk politics, let's just do the job.

MATT: You're right; I'm sorry.

BRIAN: This is why these guys paid me in margarine instead of honey.

LIAM: I can't believe it's not butter!

BRIAN: Maybe it is. My cholesterol says otherwise. Well, I know this guy. If we want to try to go directly in, I could maybe knock on the door and work my old Las Vegas charm.

MATT: I trust him. He's never let us down before.

SAM: No, what could go wrong?

LIAM: Send in the muscle.

SAM: Do you need any backup?

BRIAN: Who's the least douchebaggy looking of us out of the group, besides me?


LIAM: Well, I am the fuckin' face of this party.

BRIAN: You want to come with me?

LIAM: Hell yeah!

BRIAN: Worst comes to worst, we can seduce one of the server bears.

SAM: Now, with those two hats on, you sure it won't look like you're trying to sell bibles or something?

LIAM: I mean, there's nothing wrong with a little side venture.

BRIAN. We'll tell them it's magazines. Yeah, let's go up and knock on the door.

MARISHA: Okay. Liam Las Vegas and Cookie--

LIAM: Still confusing to me.

BRIAN: I did it for you, baby.

MARISHA: Opulent, very Victorian sitting room. As you walk in, you go up the stairs that are red-carpeted. Opulent paintings on the side of the wall. You know where Vinnie's office is. You go down a long hallway-- at the end with the giant, double oak doors. As you all approach, you see another man with dark, slicked-back hair in a suit come out.

SAM: A man?

MARISHA: Bear man.

MATT: Bearman. Steve Bearman.

BRIAN: 'Sup, Steve?

MARISHA: "Liam."


MARISHA: "Didn't expect to see you coming around here."

BRIAN: Most people don't.

MARISHA: "Boss is in an interesting mood."

BRIAN: Mind if we talk to him for a minute?

MARISHA: "Go on in."

BRIAN: All right. Let's go.

MARISHA: You open the door and you, in the dark, heavily-lit, with only a window coming through, see a portly, golden-brown-furred bear with thick, black hair, slicked back, and a thin pencil mustache.

LIAM: Over fur.

SAM: On his fur?

MARISHA: On his fur.


SAM: Wow.

MARISHA: "Ah, Liam."

BRIAN: Vinnie!

MARISHA: "Liam Las Vegas."

BRIAN: How you doing, my man? That 'stache is looking mighty pencil.


SAM: You got this.

BRIAN: Maintain.

LIAM: Hey, hey. This is serious.

MATT: (shushes)

MARISHA: "It's been a long time since I've seen you."

BRIAN: It has, it has. It has. How are the kids?

MARISHA: "They're doing okay. You know, my daughter, she's getting married today."

BRIAN: Is that what all that hullabaloo is about outside?

MARISHA: "It's interesting for you to come here on the day my daughter is to be married."

BRIAN: Well it's a bit of a coincidence, because I was in the neighborhood, looking for cakes, and boom. You guys got cakes downstairs.

MARISHA: "Interesting."

BRIAN: My nose led me back to you, Vinnie.

MARISHA: "You know, that's hard to believe, seeing as you don't even come by anymore. Don't even stop in for coffee. You don't even have the respect to call me The Pooh."

BRIAN: Look.

MARISHA: "You know, what do you want, Liam?"

BRIAN: The Pooh, I have been lost in the woods with my friends for a little bit. We decided to take a trip out there, somewhere near a place called Hoshua Tree, and find ourselves over again, you know what I mean? Take a little time. Every once in a while, you got to do a reassessment, you know? So we went out there, tripped out a little bit. Anyway, we came across some information that I think you might find interesting.

MARISHA: "Well, that's very interesting. It's interesting that you think you have more information than The Pooh, you know?"

BRIAN: Well I--

MARISHA: "Is that why you're here with this other wise guy? You think you can do better than me? You think he knows more than Vinnie?"

BRIAN: No, we would never assume something like that.

LIAM: Mr. The Pooh, If I may--

MARISHA: "Call me Vinnie the Pooh."

LIAM: Vinnie the Pooh? Oh, well--

MARISHA: "I don't know you. You know, you don't give me respect yet."

LIAM: Trust me, we give you the utmost respect on this, your daughter's wedding day.


MARISHA: "It's a very blessed day."

LIAM: It is indeed. And you are known far and wide across the Hundred Acres and beyond. We have come--

BRIAN: (whispering) 1,972 acres.

LIAM: I meant no disrespect.

MARISHA: "I worked very hard for those extra nine hundred and-- one thousand-- I worked very hard for those other acres."


LIAM: What did we come here for?

BRIAN: We-- Listen.


SAM: I don't know!

MATT: Well, they-- (cooing) Vinnie was working with the ninjas.

BRIAN: Vinnie? Do you want me to tell you what I know? Or what seems like it would be more respectful is A, I were to remove my hat and B, you could tell us what you know and then we could maybe add or take away from it.

MARISHA: "You know, you have a very good point, Liam Las Vegas. I'm sorry to be so testy. Tell me what you know. What can I do for you?"

BRIAN: Well, a few months back, you remember, actually one of the last jobs I ended up doing for you; we were moving something. And I was driving, of course, because I'm great at it, and--

MARISHA: "One of the best."

BRIAN: Thank you. We were being escorted by some ninjas. Some ninja bears. Do you remember them?

MARISHA: "You're talking about the Bear Acuda."

BRIAN: Yeah.

MARISHA: "Yeah."

BRIAN. Chupacabra. And come to find out, there's this guy, Hattori Bongo. You heard of him?

MARISHA: "Yeah, I know Hattori Bongo. He did me dirty."

BRIAN: How'd he do you dirty?

MARISHA: "Well you know, on top of moving all the honey, he also controls the underground Xhorhasian smoked salmon smuggling grounds."

BRIAN: Oh, shit!

MARISHA: "I actually ordered a bunch of salmon from him for my daughter's wedding, and it hasn't showed up yet."

BRIAN: Because they're hoarding all of it.

MARISHA: "It's been a little delayed, I don't know why."

BRIAN: Word is he's held up over at Fort Lox.

MARISHA: "I heard something like that too. I didn't know if it was true."

BRIAN: I think he's trying to make it his POO. Point Of Operation.

MARISHA: "I don't like that, there's only one Pooh."

BRIAN: And that's you, my friend. Do you know how we could get into Fort Lox by any chance?

LIAM: You cannot let this Heffalump maneuver stand.

MARISHA: "Look, you know I like you, Liam, but you're not necessarily part of the family. And you--"

BRIAN: I'm not part of anybody's family.

MARISHA: "And I don't know you. So look: I'll tell you something. You go up, you go check in on my smugglers that are trying to bring in the Xhorhasian smoked salmon, you find out what's going on, you come back, let me know I can trust you, and then maybe I'll give you the information. You know, you can't just come in here and ask me to be a snitch. You know that's not Vinnie."

LIAM: No, of course. A favor for a favor.

BRIAN: Just a favor, that's all we're asking. You'll like him, trust me.

MARISHA: "All right. The wedding ceremony starts in about three hours."

BRIAN: Where do you think we will find these smugglers?

MARISHA: "Well, I sent them northeast. Up on the path just right behind the house. I expected them to be back around four hours ago. That's the path that leads straight up to Fort Lox."

BRIAN: The same path.

MARISHA: "The same path."

BRIAN: Excellent.

MARISHA: "See what you can find, and then we'll talk, okay?"

BRIAN: All right.

MARISHA: "Kiss the rings."

BRIAN: Fucking (grumbling) piece of shit. Listen, do you need anybody to taste the wine before the wedding to make sure everything is good before we go? I mean, we got a little bit of time.

MARISHA: "Oh, I like you. I like this guy."

BRIAN: I'm just kidding.

MARISHA: "You know, how about this? You go get yourself one of our premium honey cocktails. Themed after the bride and groom, you know these weddings these days. And get yourself one for the road, all right?"

BRIAN: Will do.

MARISHA: "Okay."

BRIAN: All right, I'm going to go back down to--

MARISHA: Okay. You go back down and you are chilling in the courtyard.

BRIAN: Are you guys there?

MARISHA: Feel free to go get--

MATT: We don't want to get too close to the wedding, because we're not invited. So we're going to stay on the outskirts, looking in until they exit.

MARISHA: The guests haven't arrived. It's very much still getting set up, so you can go in if you want. When Liam Las Vegas and Cookie-- this is very confusing-- come back down, you let him know that you can go in and get a cocktail, get some honey, get some bamboo. You're welcome to it, if you would like.

BRIAN and MATT: Yes.

SAM: Ugh, I just finished throwing up in the corner. I'm going to need some bamboo pretty soon.

BRIAN: Well, look. They've got treats, and they've got drinks for us here.

TALIESIN: I'm definitely going to try a signature cocktail.

BRIAN: I will drink six or seven honey cocktails if I can.

LIAM: Yeah, is it open bar, or is it a drink ticket situation, or what are we talking about here?

MARISHA: You have the good graces of The Pooh, so it's not open bar. But you can have enough, if you would like to move a point from criminal onto bear, you are more than welcome to do that.

MATT: I'm going to pocket some bamboo just in case.

MARISHA: Feel free to pocket bamboo.

MATT: Just to have it there. I'm going to not take any of the meals as I'm not feeling the honey in the belly at the moment, but I go ahead and pocket some of that--

MARISHA: Some honey?

MATT: More than necessary using my thief skill if need be, I don't want to draw any attention.


TALIESIN: I put a honey cake in my hat for later.

MARISHA: Okay. Go ahead and roll for criminal.

MATT: That's a success with a one.

MARISHA: You take another two servings or so of honey. You can use them for the cocktail.

BRIAN: I'll fill them in on what we learned upstairs while we're drinking and eating and stuff.

SAM: I'm going to ask the bartender if I can have an ice bucket filled halfway with honey and then stuffed full of bamboo stirring sticks.

MARISHA: Looks at you oddly and then goes, "Yeah, okay," and hands it over.

SAM: I'm going to go crazy on the bamboo and hang back on the honey.

MARISHA: Okay, feel free. So make your move.

SAM: May I take a point of bear?

MARISHA: You can move a point from criminal into bear.

SAM: If I want to?

MARISHA: If you want to.

SAM: I will stick with what my current--

MARISHA: Okay, you pocket a few sticks for later.

LIAM: I would like to talk up one of the beartenders, a lady beartender, and see if I can get myself an extra dose of honey.

MARISHA: Oh. Okay. You walk up, and she's busy and she's setting the table. "Yes, what? Can I help you?

LIAM: Hey, hey.


LIAM: I'm about to go on the road with some friends, and I'm also in the mood to get a little extra honey. I know I've already had my share, but, maybe in exchange, I happen to be a pretty well-known bear. I go by the the name of Trinket.

MARISHA: "Oh, really?"

LIAM: I reside in Whitestone itself. What's her name, Lady Vix'squalia is--

MARISHA: "The Whitestone and Vix'squalia? Oh my god. What's it like living in a castle?"

LIAM: Well, you know, they do nothing but give you honey all day, everything's made out of honeycomb, and lots of people scratch your fur and your butt and stuff all day.

MARISHA: "That sounds pretty nice."

LIAM: Yeah. Look, I got to get out of here pretty quick, but you are welcome to come over and visit Whitestone anytime you want.

MARISHA: "Really?"

LIAM: Yeah.

MARISHA: "Well, who do I say when I-- who requested me when I show up?"

LIAM: You just ask for Trinket and you say--

MARISHA: "Ask for Trinket."

LIAM: "It's high noon," you're in like that.

MARISHA: "It's high noon." She makes a note and she slips you another jar of honey just for yourself.

SAM: So slick.

TALIESIN: (cackling)

LIAM: I couldn't look over until I finished it!

BRIAN: The body temperature has just-- It's burning my coat now.

TALIESIN: Hey, we've got the AC working again.

SAM: On the way out from the setup, I'm going to do a scan around. Are there any servers pushing any carts of any sort, like with plates or anything on them?

MARISHA: Actually, the woman who Cookie was just talking to was moving over champagne glasses, placing them onto the table, and they're behind her a little bit. She's distracted. It's an unattended drink cart.

SAM: I would like to try to steal the unattended drink cart.

MARISHA: Okay, roll for criminal. Roll twice because you're the driver.

SAM: What? Oh, because I'm a driver.

MARISHA: Take the lower.

SAM: I'll take the lower, and that's a success.

MARISHA: You slowly (creaking) pull it away.

SAM: Do I move one point over, then?

MATT: For a success, you move over to criminal.

SAM: Okay, cool.

MARISHA: You all meet out front of Vinnie the Pooh's house.

SAM: That could not have gone better. We got a little information, we got a little mobilization.

TALIESIN: A little honey for later.

LIAM: This is why I don't understand why we are not a permanent team, Trink. I mean, we work together well. I'm sure your people are nice, but come on!

MATT: Look, this goes well, maybe there's a possibility we can keep working. Maybe under the banner of these people I stay with. They're mostly retired at this point anyway, so we'll talk about it. We'll talk about it at the end. I like working with you, but I got a family. I'm a family man.

BRIAN: What's that like?

MATT: It's the greatest thing that's ever happened to me.

BRIAN: Eh, sounds terrible.

SAM: You don't need all those riches and luxury. You just need the bare necessities.

BRIAN: (sighs)

MATT: Anyway.


MATT: All right, we got stocked up, we got some information.

BRIAN: Yeah, and I also pocketed some booze for the road. Some honey booze for the road.

SAM: We're going to go get these smugglers?

MATT: Let's do it.

TALIESIN: Let's head up the trail.

MARISHA: You're all going northeast?

BRIAN: Let's hop on this drink cart.

MARISHA: You hop on the drink cart!

SAM: I can fit one of you, maybe.

TALIESIN: We all hop on the drink cart.

MARISHA: You all hop on the drink cart. It's a comedic scene, it looks like a clown car, but it's a bear car, and right on top of that pyramid is Liam Las Vegas surfing on the shoulders, poor Peddy pushing behind.

SAM: What? We all have four legs, we can walk much faster than this.

MARISHA: It's true. You don't necessarily travel any faster.

SAM: These small wheels do not do well on this dirt path. This is very inefficient!

MARISHA: After not too long, maybe two hours, you start to head to the edge of the woods, and you get to a clearing that's opening up. You can actually see in the very far distance stone fort walls. As you head up, you start to hear some shouting and arguing in the distance. Sounds like an altercation.

SAM: In bear or in human?

MARISHA: In bear.

MATT: One paw up.

SAM: Everybody stop. Oh wait, I'm pushing. I'll stop.

MARISHA: As you all get quiet, you hear, "Look, man! If you're not with us, then that means you must be against us, all right? Come on!" You see the outline of three polar bears, and beyond that, Vinnie the Pooh's guys and a cart.

BRIAN: I know those guys! Not the polar ones, the polar opposites.

MARISHA: "You know, man? You don't want to sign a petition, you don't want to hear us out, you don't want to play our game. You know, it's just not fair!"

BRIAN: How far are we from them?

MARISHA: A hundred yards.

SAM: Who's talking, the polar bears?

MARISHA: The polar bears, and you can hear Vinnie the Pooh's guys being like, "Look, we just want to cross. We're in a hurry, we don't want to take your survey, and we don't want to donate any money. We don't care."


MARISHA: Everyone stops and turns around.

BRIAN: What's up, fellas?

MARISHA: "Oh hey. Hey! Do you guys have a minute to talk to the Polar Rising?"

BRIAN: Nobody gives a shit. Listen, stop harassing these guys and let them go.

MARISHA: "No, you know what, man? We're the ones being harassed. All the time! No one wants to sit here, no one cares about the polar bears."

BRIAN: I need you to stop moving that clipboard around in a threatening way.

MARISHA: "Look, I'm sorry, we're just really passionate about our cause. You know, we've been trying to get the Polar Rising off the ground for quite a while, and no one even wants to (stuttering) talk and-- look, I can't even talk, I'm so upset."

SAM: Hey, calm down. Listen, look at me. I'm half you.

MARISHA: "You do look like half us, like exactly half. It's pretty cool, man.

SAM: What is your cause about?

MARISHA: "Brother from another mother."

SAM: Yeah. Pound it out. What is this cause of yours that you're trying to convert people to do?

MARISHA: "Look, we're just trying to raise awareness that polar bears aren't weak. Okay? The media's always depicting us as these helpless creatures stuck on this floating piece of frozen water, and that makes us look weak, man. You know? And then they want to talk about how we're not reproducing as much as we can be. Have you ever tried having sex in the middle of fucking frigid temperatures, man?"

BRIAN: Yes. Absolutely.

MARISHA: "It's hard, right?"

BRIAN: It stays hard too.

MARISHA: "Your dick, it just doesn't work right and I feel like--"

BRIAN: Speak for yourself.

MARISHA: "Everyone's criticizing our dicks, man." Then the other guys go, "Yeah, stop criticizing our dicks!" The other guy goes, "Yeah, stop hammering on and criticizing our dicks!"

SAM: You know, it's true. Every time I've heard talk about polar bears, everyone insults their dicks. And it's not right!

MATT: No, it's unfortunate. It's not right at all.

SAM: I mean, looking at your dick right now, it seems just below average, but just below.

MARISHA: "That's because it's not just below freezing, man."

LIAM: And even if, it still deserves attention.

MARISHA: "Exactly. They're always hammering this idea that our dicks just aren't good enough. Just stop hammering our dicks!"

MATT: Here's my question, young polar bear, tiny-dick friends.

MARISHA: "Call me Chief of Polar Rising."

MATT: Chief. Chief, what are you hoping to accomplish with these signatures? Who's going to see these and what's it going to change, is my question.

MARISHA: "No, you're totally right, man. We learned that a few months ago. Sitting here collecting signatures, that didn't do nothing. The High Bear Nation don't want to listen to our cause, Council of Tal'Dorei doesn't want to listen our cause. It's a real problem, just getting stuck on this floating frozen water shit. So we thought maybe to bring awareness to our problem, we'd make a game."

BRIAN and SAM: A game?

MARISHA: "Yeah, a game. Very politically-driven, social awareness game. So all we're doing is, we're out here, we're trying to have it beta-tested; because we can't test it, because we're alphas. So we're looking for betas to try and test our game, give us some feedback."

SAM: What kind of game is this, like a roleplaying game, or a--

MARISHA: "Well, you want to see it?"

LIAM: Does this involve your dicks?

BRIAN: I don't want to be touching a lot of dicks unless that's all I'm going to be doing for the rest of the day.

MARISHA: "Well look, if you'll just take a look--"

LIAM: Hey, whoa! I want a little explanation! Just don't whip it out on us, all right?

MARISHA: "Well, how else am I going to get the game out of the box?"


LIAM: Proceed.

MARISHA: "It's not a dick-in-a-box, it's a game-in-a-box! See, you're hammering our dicks again."

SAM: Sorry, that's insensitive of us.

BRIAN: Listen, I think their campaign slogan should be "I was in the pool." Show us this game, and if you let our friends get by with this--

SAM: Yeah, if you let our friends go by, we'll play the game with you.

BRIAN: We'll play the game if you let them go, how about that? They don't need to play; they're not very good at games.

MARISHA: "Is that true?"

BRIAN: It's very true. They're terrible.

MARISHA: "All right, I want respected opinions here, you know? From educated people. These guys don't even want to listen, you know?"

LIAM: They're also very judgmental of penis size, so you might want to send them on up the road.

MARISHA: "That looks clear."

MATT: I'm not going to lie, I've traveled with these gentlemen for some time, and you won't find a better group of betas out here this side of Tal'Dorei.

MARISHA: "That's why we'll never go into alpha testing with our game, only beta." All right, hang on.

BRIAN: Alpha's been known to work sometimes.

SAM: So what's our angle here, guys?

MARISHA: "So whoever breaks the polar bear off the floating piece of water first wins. But you can't hammer our dicks, okay?"

BRIAN: Oh my god.


SAM: What is happening right now?

MARISHA: "You're playing Don't Break the Frozen Water."

MATT: But don't hammer any dicks.

MARISHA: "But you're not allowed to hammer the dicks. The first team-- Sorry. We'll do team one and team two. First team that makes the polar bear fall into the frozen water and gives him a complex loses."

LIAM: We'll leave the dicks alone.

MARISHA: "Well, you can't hammer the dicks."

LIAM: Can't hammer the dicks.

MATT: What if a dick is hammered on its own?

SAM: Yeah, what if a dick just falls?

MARISHA: "No, if a dick falls, that's no one's fault, and that's what we're trying to communicate. But if you hammer our dicks, you're immediately disqualified, and you lose."

LIAM: In gameplay terms, is there any way to get the dick back up?

MARISHA: "Unfortunately, no. Isn't it depressing?"

MATT: That's really unfortunate. I'm feeling for your plight the more we have this conversation.

LIAM: It's an age-old problem.

MARISHA: "All right, who wants to go first?"

MATT: To be fair, Peddy, from what I've heard, some of your people have had a hard time with keeping their dicks up for a while too, right?

SAM: It's true.

MARISHA: "He's half polar bear, that's why."

MATT: I'm sorry, I don't want to-- anyway.

TALIESIN: I'm going to start by not hammering one of these dicks.

MATT: Peddy, you got this?

SAM: Yeah.

TALIESIN: Keep hitting until it goes?


BRIAN: Again!

LIAM: Oh, careful, that dick is moving!

SAM: That dick is moving!

MATT: Careful!

MARISHA: "That's Bryce's dick, don't hammer it."

BRIAN: Bryce's dick?

MARISHA: "Yeah, that's Bryce." Bryce goes, "Hey."

MATT: Hey, Bryce.

MARISHA: "'Sup, man."

MATT: All right, Peddy.

BRIAN: Easy. Yeah.

MATT: Good choice.

BRIAN: Good choice, stay as far away from the dick as you can.

MATT: No! Peddy!

SAM: Oh, sorry!

MARISHA: "No, this is good game testing. Good to see what the trolls of the game will do, you know?"

BRIAN: We've got to put some meat in his mouth immediately.

SAM: I got flustered there, I got the jitters.

LIAM: It's just like Waffle and my grandpappy said: Jiggle it a little, it'll fit.

BRIAN: Oh, oh!

LIAM: Got to be tender sometimes and sometimes you got to be hard.

TALIESIN: Oh, good shot.

SAM: One second, Polar. What happens if we lose this game? What are the stakes here, again?

BRIAN: Do we get to keep the dicks? How does this work?

MARISHA: "Oh, if you lose the game, then you just lose the game. We're looking for honest and constructive criticism."

SAM: There are literally no stakes to this?

MARISHA: "No, we just want your feedback, yeah."

LIAM: Oh, so you're game devs.

MARISHA: "Yeah, that's what I've been saying, man."

SAM: Hey, care to make this interesting?

MARISHA: "Yeah, what do you mean?"

SAM: If we win this game--

BRIAN: We keep the dicks!

SAM: No. Liam Las Vegas, please.

BRIAN: Three of those dicks are in pretty good shape.

SAM: Maybe you could give us safe passage up to the interior of Fort Lox.

MARISHA: "Are you kidding me? No one can get into Fort Lox, it's impenetrable! Not like our mates!"

SAM: Well, could you at least give us some means of travel that's slightly more advanced than this cart full of champagne glasses?

MATT: Yeah, how'd you guys get up here, anyway?

MARISHA: "Well, we have an extra cart that we're using to haul all of our games."

MATT: There we go, maybe you trade your cart for ours.

SAM: If we win.

MARISHA: "Are you willing to distribute our games if we give you the cart?"

BRIAN: Yeah, we'll Kickstart those games right off the cart about 15 yards from when we leave these guys.

MARISHA: "Yeah? Would you be willing to do that? Because you know, we've got the creative side, but we don't have the publishing side, man."

BRIAN: Yeah, no, we can handle distribution.

TALIESIN: That seems fair, yeah.

MARISHA: "You know what? You've got a deal, brother from another mother. Polar Rising, yeah!"

MATT: Okay, okay, okay.

SAM: Oh, watch your hat.

MATT: Got the microphone, sorry.

MARISHA: "Not the dicks."

BRIAN: It's a high boom.

MARISHA: "Careful, that one's Chad's."

SAM: Come on, Trinket.

MATT: All right.

LIAM: As I'm standing here watching my friends play this game, I can't help but think: you know, any good game, any time that I've enjoyed, involves balls. Am I right or am I wrong?

BRIAN: You are not wrong.

LIAM: I don't know, workshop it, maybe.

MARISHA: "Yeah, Bryce, take notes. You taking these notes?"

SAM: That seems like a bad idea.

BRIAN: That's where you're going to go, that's your choice?

SAM: I don't know about that one.

TALIESIN: Nothing you can do about it.

BRIAN: Oh, that's a real edgelord. That's a real edgelord thing to do.

TALIESIN: Walking the line there.

BRIAN: All right, boys, let me show you how it's done.

MATT: What you got Las Vegas? Show us.

BRIAN: Let me show you how this is done.


BRIAN: We want to knock the polar bear into the water below, right?


SAM: I could have sworn that was the point of the game.

BRIAN: I thought so, too.

MATT: The point of the game is to not be the one to knock them in there and you can't hammer the dicks.

TALIESIN: You really got to explain this game better, that's a big problem.

MATT: Yeah, the instruction manual on it is pretty terrible.

MARISHA: "Okay, Bryce, write that down."

SAM: This is not a good a good move, Liam Las Vegas!

LIAM: He's going to cock it up!

BRIAN: Dude, you're adding to the pressure.

MATT: All right, who's on that side?

TALIESIN: Cookie, show them how we break the ice down here.

LIAM: Holy shit. This is not looking good.

BRIAN: How many times do we have to hit it?

MARISHA: "The person who knocks in the polar bear first loses, or the first person who smacks a dick."

LIAM: I'm going to hammer it. I'm going to tap it and tap it. You just got to tap it.

MATT: (groans)

LIAM: That's how you tap it.

MATT: All right, Peddy, you've got this.

SAM: I haven't had enough bamboo! I don't know if I can do it!

BRIAN: He's got the shakes again.

MATT: Peddy, hold on!

SAM: I got it!

LIAM: You're exploding all over the place, Peddy!

SAM: I'm sorry!

MATT: I can't bear this tension you're building here!

TALIESIN: This is a tough call. It's a tough call. Don't know what to do. No. There we are.

SAM: Easy, easy!

BRIAN: Don't say easy coming from the guy who just--

TALIESIN: Ah, there we are! Like that! Like honey. Smooth.

MATT: Las Vegas. It's getting a little tense.

SAM: Hey, polar.

MARISHA: "Yeah."

SAM: Now that we've known each other a couple minutes, be honest.

MARISHA: "Sure."

SAM: You ever had sex before? No, right? I mean, come on, nobody who spends as much time gaming-- what happened?

BRIAN and SAM: Did we lose a dick?

MARISHA: Wait! You can lose dicks, you just can't hammer dicks.

LIAM: I mean, regardless of the outcome here, I feel like you fellas should maybe head south. We just came from a wedding. Instead of standing there with your dick in your hands?

MARISHA: "You just came from a wedding?"

SAM and BRIAN: Lots of bridesmaids.

MARISHA: "You serious, man?"

LIAM: Maybe stop complaining about dicks and maybe try to use some.

MARISHA: "Chad, Bryce, you hear that, man?"

LIAM: Okay. This is going to be a little hard. On. Me. But I think I can do it.

SAM: Just keep those blocks erect and you'll be okay. Oh.

TALIESIN: More rhythm.

BRIAN: Yeah, go between the dicks, that's what I always say.

LIAM: No. That's a bad call.

SAM: The stakes could not be lower.

BRIAN: All right, I don't want to lose another dick. But--

MARISHA: "I appreciate your guys' gentleness and candor with keeping the dicks on the board for as long as possible."

MATT: We respect the materials you brought to this endeavor.

SAM: Oh boy.

BRIAN: Smooth as ever.

SAM: It's getting down to it.

LIAM: All right, Waffle use those smarts. Hang some brain.

TALIESIN: I got this. This ain't nothing.

SAM: Man, this game really stinks. Like it smells bad.

TALIESIN: Look at that.

MARISHA: Smells like carcinogens and plastic?

SAM: Smells like balls.

TALIESIN: Don't want to smell the hammer.

BRIAN: Is the name of this game "Taint Tappers?"

MARISHA: We bought it in the children's toy aisle.

LIAM: We got to hurry this up; I am running out of genitalia puns.

BRIAN: Yes, agreed.

MATT: No, not underneath the guy!

BRIAN: Not right underneath--

MARISHA: "That is literally the block of ice that's holding up the polar bear, man."

SAM: All right, I guess I get-- There's no-- I got nothing.

MATT: Peddy, come on you can-- (shouting)

ALL: Ooh!

SAM: I hit in a dick.

MARISHA: "You got close to our dick, but I think you're all right. I'll let my brother from another mother pass."

TALIESIN: You grazed a dick.

SAM: I did graze the dick.

LIAM: Is it me, Waffle?

TALIESIN: It's you, Cookie. It's all up to you now.

LIAM: It's not looking good; I am not the brains; I am not the muscle. I don't know how to drive. I've never stolen nothing. Oh boy. Oh the pressure. I bet he would-- is he glued to that?

MARISHA: Taped. No, that's the thing he's floating on! He's on a four by four.

LIAM: There is no way to win here.

MARISHA: He's on a two by two.

TALIESIN: I believe in you.

BRIAN: A guy as good looking as you hasn't gotten this far without tapping a few dicks though, right?

LIAM: You don't know what I've tapped.

BRIAN: I'd like to.

LIAM: We'll talk about that later. I don't think there's any way to win here.

BRIAN: We may need a flashback.

LIAM: Ah! Fuck it, let's move on to the next--

ALL: Oh!

SAM: I still don't understand this game!

LIAM: I might have done a little time.

BRIAN: That dick was on top and now it's on the bottom.

LIAM: I could have been in the Bear Acuda if I wanted to!

ALL: Ooh!

MARISHA: He's hanging by a thread!

BRIAN: He's hanging by a pube, guys!

MARISHA: That's true, you can do that.

LIAM: I don't know how that's going to work.

SAM: How would that even stay? How is that going to stay?

MARISHA: Oh god it's vibrating all over.

BRIAN: That's normal.

SAM: I don't understand!

LIAM: So that can go down, but the bear's up.

TALIESIN: The bear's still up!

LIAM: He's still up. Unlike you fellas.

SAM: You can't hit that dick!

MARISHA: "At least in the temperate weather we have a chance."

LIAM: Oh jeez.

TALIESIN: Cookie. Oh no.

LIAM: Well, gentlemen.

SAM: It's been an honor.

MARISHA: "I hope you liked our game, everybody. Do you feel like it really brought the full feeling of being a polar bear floating on a piece of frozen water?"

SAM: It really gripped me and pulled me. It tugged me right into the game.

MARISHA: "Thank you."

MATT: I'm glad that it could bring all five of us to a very dramatic climax.

SAM and MATT: Simultaneous.

BRIAN: This was a good excuse to make a circle of us jerks.



TALIESIN: And we're spent.

MARISHA: "Well, thank you guys so much. I feel like we really learned a lot from this experience."

SAM: I'm going to go to sleep.

MARISHA: "Here, we made little stickers for anyone that says, 'I'm an honorary member of Polar Rising."

MATT: Thanks, appreciate that.

LIAM: Cool. Super cool.

MARISHA: "Feel free to take our cart and thank you. Thank you for everything."

SAM: What's this game called?

MARISHA: "Don't Break the Frozen Piece of Block the Bear's Floating On."

BRIAN: Oh yes.

MARISHA: "Don't Break the Frozen Water."

MATT: First bit of feedback-- No, it's good. Ship it.

MARISHA: "Okay."

BRIAN: You should name it Just the Tap.

LIAM: That's pretty good. That's pretty good.

MARISHA: "That's good. Write that down, Bryce. Write that down."

BRIAN: Yeah, write that down, Bryce.

MARISHA: "We'll do that on our second printing. Thank you, guys." And they let you go. You start your way back.

LIAM: Have fun at the seduction seminar!

MARISHA: "Thanks, man. We'll see you at the wedding!" And as you guys start making your way back to Vinnie the Pooh's, we're going to take a break!

ALL: Woo!

MATT: Just the Tap.

LIAM: That got weird.

BRIAN: Oh man.

TALIESIN: That got weirder than I could have ever hoped.

BRIAN: As usual, I could not remember if you're supposed to hit the dicks or not.

MARISHA: Don't hammer our dicks!

TALIESIN: Don't hammer the dicks, but you got to tap the ice.

LIAM: You got to massage it a little, you know. Finesse it. But you don't want to, you know. You don't want to mash it.

BRIAN: I feel like we should have said something to them about size not mattering. I felt like it could have done something for them later on in life.

MARISHA: True. It's a good message.

BRIAN: We'll see how they fare at the wedding.

MATT: That'll help for the DLC.

MARISHA: It's hard to have more than one cause. Okay. Enjoy this quick break, and so will we. We'll be back.


MATT: (as Pumat Sol) "Well, hello there! My name is Pumat Sol, owner and curator of The Invulnerable Vagrant, where me and the other Pumats have got everything you need for your exciting and potentially deadly adventure. Looking for standard wizard stuff? We got that! Trying to track down that hard-to-find scroll of water breathing? We got that, too!" (as Pumat II) "Actually, we just sold that scroll box." "Or we will have that as soon as I enchant another one! Respectfully, when it comes to quality products for a reasonable price, no one in Zadash has us beat! Respectfully. So come on down to The Invulnerable Vagrant, located in the Pentamarket district in the heart of Zadash! Open during standard business hours and weekends. The Invulnerable Vagrant: when it comes to enchanted curiosities, respectfully, we're the best!"

[upbeat synthesizer music] [beep]

Part IIEdit

MARISHA: You know what a face is, right?

MATT: Guys, you know we're starting, right?

MARISHA: Oh wait, are we rolling?

BRIAN: I think so.

MARISHA: Hi everyone! And welcome back to Honey Heist 2: Electric Beargaloo. Okay, we're just going to go. We're just going to jump right into it. Yeah.

LIAM: Are you saying we're just playing a game and we're resuming the game?

MARISHA: Yeah, we're resuming the game.

LIAM: Let's do that.

MARISHA: And not Just the Tap. As you guys make your way back to the 1,070-- 9,072 Acre Wood, you approach Vinnie the Pooh's house, and you can see preparations on the wedding have progressed quite a bit. Even a few guests are starting to straggle in. And you make your way back up to Vinnie the Pooh.

MATT: All of us together?

MARISHA: Well, whoever wants to go.

LIAM: Yeah! United front, I say.

MATT: Yeah. Make sure you guys can vouch for us if need be, since we haven't been inside his facility.

BRIAN: I can take care of that.

MATT: All right, Las Vegas. Lead the way.

BRIAN: Okay, we'll go into the room.

MARISHA: You go in. Vinnie turns around in his chair and he goes, "Oh, Liam. I see you delivered on the goods. Pretty good. Good job, man."

BRIAN: I always deliver. Unless I can't.

MARISHA: "My guys got back a few hours ago. Just in time for the ceremony."

BRIAN: Was the salmon still fresh?

MARISHA: "It was some of the freshest that I've ever tasted in my life."

BRIAN: Fantastic.

MARISHA: "You do good work."

BRIAN: Yeah, thank you.

MARISHA: "I'm glad I can trust you boys."

BRIAN: This is my crew. These guys made it happen. I obviously masterminded the entire thing and did the execution perfectly, but they were there to keep an eye out while I did it.

MARISHA: "That's good to know. You guys are part of the Pooh family now."

SAM: We're all Poohs?

MARISHA: "Well. I'm the Pooh. But you're part of the family."

BRIAN: We all Pooh down here.

MATT: Right.

BRIAN: So how about that information, now that we successfully brought back your fishy stuff?

MARISHA: "Well look. You know, it's Fort Lox. You can't walk up right up to the front door. They won't let you in. You'll be killed immediately. But I can tell you that when I was smuggling for good ol' Hattori Bongo, there's a tunnel entrance about 500 yards north of the fort. If you look for it directly north of the fort, in the woods, you'll find a little hole with a little cave entrance."

BRIAN: Anything marking the hole?

MARISHA: "Not really. You have to know where to go."

BRIAN: I'm pretty good at finding holes when I need to.

LIAM: Hey, I'm sorry, I got one question: are we talking about like a small hole? Because there's nothing more embarrassing than a bear getting stuck in a hole.

TALIESIN: Nothing more embarrassing.

SAM: Adorable sometimes.

MARISHA: "It's a moderate size doorway. You'll be fine, Cookie."

BRIAN: Moderate size. All right.

MATT: Are we looking at any sort of difficulty as far as weather patterns in the near future? When you planned your wedding? Don't want to deal with any little rain clouds or--

MARISHA: "My daughter was hoping for a temperate, partly-cloudy wedding and I think the gods will bless us today, on the day of her wedding."

MATT: All right, I appreciate that.

LIAM: I love it so much.

MARISHA: "Well, look. You know, this is Hattori Bongo we're talking about. There's going to be guards. He's not a stupid bear. There's probably going to be guards guarding the little secret entrance. But from what I remember, there's always a five-digit code that he changes every two days or so to make sure no one gets wise on the code, you know what I mean? People like to leak stuff."


SAM: What's the code?

MARISHA: "I don't know."

BRIAN: Who does?

MARISHA: "I can tell you it's some alternating two-- five-digit code between salmon and bamboo. So I'd be on the lookout."

SAM and BRIAN: Between salmon and bamboo?

MARISHA: "That's the only thing I ever heard when I overheard some of his guys talking about it."

MATT: Maybe it's a French Stewart movie.

LIAM: Oh. My. Goodness.

BRIAN: Holy shit. I haven't heard that name--

MATT: I don't think he's ever done a movie.

BRIAN: I was going to say, that may not exist.

LIAM: So, it's a five-digit code somewhere between salmon and bamboo?

MARISHA: "Yeah."

LIAM: All right. And that's whole of what you know?

MARISHA: "That's all I know. That's going to be your best way in."

LIAM: Well, we got Waffle. He's pretty smart, so I'm sure he's going to figure it out.

TALIESIN: I'll figure it out.

BRIAN: Do you know about how many guys he's got on the inside? Besides the guards that are, you know, watching the door?

MARISHA: "I don't know. I know Hattori Bongo never runs with less than eight or so guys. But if he's taken over a small fort? Who knows. Sounds like a pretty big job he's trying to pull."

MATT: Vinnie, my gracious Pooh-- Trinket, we haven't been introduced.

MARISHA: "Pleasure to meet you, Trinket."

MATT: You as well.

MARISHA: "Welcome to the family."

MATT: Happy to be part of it. I have a question for you. You wouldn't happen to know or heard of the whereabouts or hopeful safe status of one Kody Yak, would you?

MARISHA: "No, I don't know of this Mr. Yak that you're talking about."

MATT: No worries, just asking. Thank you.

MARISHA: "But may God be with him today, on the day of my daughter's wedding."

MATT: Fair enough. You're generous with your blessings.

BRIAN: That's a lot of blessings. I feel over-blessed.

MARISHA: "It's a blessed day, you know?"

BRIAN: Yeah, of course.

SAM: Just out of curiosity, where is your daughter right now?

MARISHA: "Well, my daughter she's getting ready to be married. Today is her wedding day."

SAM: Today is the day of her wedding? You must be so proud.

MARISHA: "So proud."

SAM: Who's she marrying?

MATT: That's a good question.

MARISHA: I didn't think of a pun for this.

SAM: Who's going to be the new Pooh?

MATT: The Pooh Junior? The tiniest Pooh you've ever seen.

SAM: Who's going to carry on the Pooh name?


SAM: Oh. He's one of those mysterious types. I understand, Mr. Pooh, you don't want to give away too many details. These are personal questions, I'm sorry.

MATT: Yes, it's a security thing.

SAM: I'm sorry. I apologize.

MARISHA: "Finding flaws in my narrative."

SAM: No, not at all! I was just curious.

BRIAN: He's probably royalty of some sort and he doesn't want--

MATT: Can't assume it's a he.

BRIAN: Oh yeah.

MATT: Remember, it's progressive times in Tal'Dorei.

BRIAN: Well, I've been in the woods for quite some time.

MARISHA: "It's a man. And he's probably banging one of the bridesmaids right about now."

SAM: Is that okay?

MARISHA: "Happens in the movie. All right. Be on your way."


SAM: Wow. She really likes that French Stewart movie.

MATT: I haven't seen Christopher Robin yet, so maybe she's spoiled it for me.

BRIAN: Well.

MARISHA: That happened.

BRIAN: Thank you for the information.

MARISHA: "You're welcome."

BRIAN: Yeah, page me sometime.

MARISHA: "Okay. If you're passing back through, feel free to stop by the reception, get yourself a cocktail."

BRIAN: Oh, we will.

MATT: Quick, Brains, see if you can find a way to cleverly ask if this Hattori Bongo has any fears, weaknesses, anything we should know.

TALIESIN: I got just the idea.

MATT: All right, you take this.

TALIESIN: Does this Hattori Bongo have any weaknesses or fears of some kind?

MATT: That was good.

TALIESIN: Yeah, I know. Thank you.

SAM: That's why he's The Brains, always thinking. Thinking hard.

LIAM: Direct.

MARISHA: "That's an excellent question."

TALIESIN: Glad I thought of it.

MARISHA: "You know, he's a very smart man. Very (slurred) ruthless."

TALIESIN: "Woothless?"

BRIAN: Oh, he's "woothless."

TALIESIN: I need some "wooth."

BRIAN: Pick up some "wooth" in town.

MARISHA: "That's what I said."

LIAM: Who's Rufus?

TALIESIN: Ruth. His daughter's marrying. Got to keep up.

MARISHA: "I still don't hear a problem."

BRIAN: I lost my "wooth" when I was 12.

MATT: I had mine removed. It got inflamed when I was in high school.

LIAM: This is-- this is not--

TALIESIN: Mister Vinnie the Pooh.

MARISHA: "He worked his way up."

SAM: Keep us on track.

LIAM: This is not proper roleplay. This is not proper roleplay.

TALIESIN: We respectfully ask for any information to make this job easier.

MARISHA: "I knew Hattori Bongo back when he was just a lackey for the Bear Acuda. I heard about six months or so ago, he (slurred) worked his way up the ranks."

BRIAN: How much honey cocktails have you had today, Vinnie?

LIAM: It's pretty accurate.

MATT: It really is.

TALIESIN: This is what's making it so weird. How?

LIAM: It only could be more accurate if she was reading it off of script papers taped to our chests.

BRIAN: And she refused to do coverage.


LIAM: I bet you wish you could control me like one of your fucking Muppets with your hand up my ass, huh?

MATT: Vinnie, thank you so much for your time.

MARISHA: "No problem. Godspeed on your journey on this blessed day."


SAM: We'll bring back a wedding gift in honor of you and your daughter. And her mystery husband.

BRIAN: Yeah. If we make this out alive, we'll bring back a gift for your daughter and her unknown spouse.

MATT: Maybe the bridesmaid too.

BRIAN: Definitely the horny bridesmaids, and we'll pick up some Nicorette on the way too because you really got to quit that. It's getting to be illegible.

MARISHA: "I heard they keep some very special prize honey up at Fort Lox. Some rare shit."

BRIAN: Yeah?

MARISHA: "There's some good stuff."

BRIAN: The kind of shit you mainline?

MARISHA: "You know, if you find something, keep in mind your good ol' friend Vinnie the Pooh."

BRIAN: Oh we will. I actually have one more question.

MARISHA: "Yeah?"

BRIAN: Where's the honey being kept inside the fort? Is it in a safe?

MARISHA: "Oh, there's-- hm. There's honey all over the fort."


BRIAN: You know, my first wife said that to me on our wedding night.

MATT: We're sorry to bother you when you've reached peak levels of intoxication.

BRIAN: Yeah, we can tell you need a nap.

LIAM: It's an emotional day. It's cool to partake.

MATT: We'll leave you to focus on that which matters.

BRIAN: This blessed day is all yours now.

MARISHA: "Thank you, good sirs."

BRIAN: We'll head up to the--

SAM: Yeah, thank you bear-y much and bear-well.

BRIAN: You're dis-koala-fied.

MATT: Did you say "dis-koala-fied"?

BRIAN: All right, let's get out of this room before Vinnie passes out.

MARISHA: Oh, thank god. I didn't expect to talk that much as Vinnie.

BRIAN: Do we need to grab anything before we head up north?

SAM: We got a cart. We've got some supplies.

LIAM: He offered for us to get some more honey. I mean, I got some, but you can never have enough.

BRIAN: Yeah, that's true. Shall we stop by the bar and get a couple more cocktails on the way out?

TALIESIN: Couple more cocktails. Are there any interesting centerpieces on the tables, anything of value?

MARISHA: Some nice blush colored roses and daisies.

LIAM: What about something to beat a bear over the head with?

MARISHA: There's nice wooden chairs with furniture legs.

TALIESIN: Any candles, something like that?

MARISHA: It's more of a daytime wedding.

BRIAN: Do you know if they plan on having any fireworks at the end of the wedding?


BRIAN: Do you happen to know where they might be located?

LIAM: Who're talking to?

BRIAN: Talking to the BM.

LIAM: The who?

BRIAN: The Bear Master.

LIAM: Like a Mast-bear of Ceremonies? What're you--

BRIAN: We should find somebody and ask if they have any fireworks that they plan on using at the end of the wedding.

TALIESIN: So now you're not talking to the fourth wall?

BRIAN: I'm talking to you, Brains.

TALIESIN: Let's take a look around, see if we can find some fireworks, something to start a fire.

LIAM: Also, I don't know if there is a bear jamboree for the wedding, but if there's any instruments lying around, I might grab an instrument.

MARISHA: There was a string quartet. You roll to see if you can steal one. You roll to see if you can find explosives.

TALIESIN: All right!


MATT: Never asked the thief to steal for you?

TALIESIN: Succeed!

LIAM: Bear Master told me to do it!

MARISHA: You see Cookie go up to the string quartet and as he's about to reach for the violin, he trips over the tambourine set up and causes a big distraction and at this point--


MARISHA: --you look behind one of the folding screens where they're stashing a bunch of stuff and you do find a crate, filled with a few small sparklers, bottle rocket-y things, nothing too crazy.

TALIESIN: Sweet Baloo, we hit the jackpot.

MARISHA: Something that would look good on Instagram, that's what you found.

MATT: While they're doing this, I'm going to keep an eye out, and see if there's any signs of possible Bear Acuda infiltrating the wedding. Anybody who is masquerading as an attendant or planner for this event that looks a bit mischievous.

MARISHA: Okay, roll for criminal.

BRIAN: We did see some servers that could've been disguised. Yeah, good thinking.

MATT: Does being a person who's good at infiltration give me any bonuses?

MARISHA: Being good at thieving?

MATT: I'll just roll the dice, I'll roll the dice!

MARISHA: To look for things?

MATT: I succeed!

MARISHA: You look around, there's a lot of people in tuxes, it's a lot of pink. (sighs) It's hard to say. There's also a lot of-- this crowd is already shady-looking, being that it is happening at Vinnie the Pooh's.

MATT: All right. I think we're okay.

TALIESIN: We should pocket some salmon while we're here, too.

MARISHA: Mm-hmm? Okay.

MATT: I hide it in my beard. Sorry, I'm just remembering that scene from Trading Places, with Dan Aykroyd, eating salmon through his dirty Santa beard. That will never leave me. Anyway, continuing.

MARISHA: You now have pocket salmon.

MATT: Pocket salmon. I'm writing that down.

SAM: Hey, Brains. Waffle, I've been thinking about this code. He said it was between salmon and bamboo. If you rearrange the letters in those words, you get either No Más Boom, Moon Samba, or Las Mambo.

TALIESIN: So either these fireworks aren't going to work, we're going to have to dance in the moonlight or we're just going to have to dance. We should all be prepared to dance.

SAM: All right, I'll limber up.

TALIESIN: Five digit dance code.

BRIAN: Did you find any explosive or fireworks?

TALIESIN: I found some explosives.

SAM: Do we have any way of lighting them? Are there any candles around?

TALIESIN: I've already looked for candles. It's a daytime wedding.

MARISHA: Outside. Afternoon reception.

BRIAN: We could always do it like the old days and rub a few sticks together to get some fire.

MATT: It's all right. If worst comes to absolutely worst, I got a plan to light those fireworks. Trust me.

SAM: All right, then let's go do this caper.

BRIAN: Let's get up to the--

LIAM: Let's find that Pooh hole.

MARISHA: You get on the cart and you go back north the way that you came when you ran into the Polar Rising. It takes you another hour or so and you crest into the opening, the clearing, which leads into a valley, where you see in the distance Fort Lox.

SAM: It's amazing.

BRIAN: 500 yards north is what they said.

LIAM: That's a fuck of a lot of honey.

BRIAN: It's a lot of honey.

LIAM: Oh, baby.

MATT: Let's case the joint and get our bearings.

TALIESIN: (groans)

MATT: Sorry.

SAM: Starting to get the jitters again.

MARISHA: You all-- taking a wide berth around the fort-- head north. Does someone want to roll to search to see if they can find the hidden entrance?

SAM: I'm steering the ship. I'll roll to see if I can find something. What am I rolling for, criminal or bear?

MARISHA: I'd say roll for bear since you're sniffing and searching; you're tracking a little bit.

SAM: That's a fail.

MARISHA: You're having a hard time.

SAM: Do I lose a bear point? Oh, a point goes into bear.

MARISHA: Into bear, yes.

LIAM: You should stick to what you're good at.

SAM: I'm just getting the jitters again, I need a little bamboo.

LIAM: Do we got any of that left for you?

SAM: Yeah, I brought a little bit.

LIAM: Chew on that, let Cookie and Waffle search out the smell of honey.

TALIESIN: We're going to smell for honey.

MARISHA: Okay, you have an advantage on sensing honey, so you roll for advantage--

LIAM: Both. We're honey bears.

MARISHA: Oh, you're honey bears, so both of you roll-- And you roll to see if you can see any structures or doors.

TALIESIN: That's a success.

LIAM: Success!

MARISHA: Okay, and wait to see--

BRIAN: Success.

MARISHA: At the same time, you all get the waft of honey. It's a little bit tough because there's honey all over the place, being that you are near Fort Lox. It's hard to discern what is wafting in from behind you, but with the help over here of Liam Las Vegas, you get this sweet draft coming about-- not too much-- 50 feet in the woods. Not far from you guys.

LIAM: Nobody can hide honey from The Sweets Brothers.

BRIAN: That's right.

BRIAN: Yeah, I smell it, too. I think I found the door, too. I think I know how to get in.

MARISHA: As you walk closer to the door. You see sleeping, propped up against it: a ninja bear. A member of the Bear Acuda. Looks a little dozy. He's not anticipating anything. Being a bad guard.

MATT: Hey, Las Vegas? If I can try and sneak you up, quietly, how fast do you think you could tear the throat out of this ninja?

LIAM: Tear that motherfucker a new poo hole.

SAM: In his throat?

BRIAN: Real fast. I could give him-- How many claws does a honey badger have?

SAM: At least three.

MATT: It has enough claws.

BRIAN: I could give him three good sized poo holes.

SAM: In his throat.

BRIAN: In this throat, of course. Yeah, and then in his butt when I'm done with his--

MATT: Give him something to say "oh, bother" about.

BRIAN: Yeah, let's do it.

MATT: I try and sneak him up.

MARISHA: Okay, roll with advantage because you are a thief and you're stealthing, I guess.

MATT: Jump on back. He gets on my back and we're quietly going through the shadows.

LIAM: I can see it in my mind's eye.

MATT: That is a failure.

MARISHA: Oh, god.

MATT: Five and a six on a criminal of four.

MARISHA: So yeah, you get more frustrated as a bear. As you're trying to lumber back, you don't really anticipate how dense honey badgers are--

SAM: You've been working out.

MARISHA: That squeezing of Liam Las Vegas's thighs around your midsection squeezed out a fart.

MATT: It's all that heavy Whitestone food. Sorry.

MARISHA: About this time, it's not the sound that alerts the guard.

MATT: It never is.

MARISHA: It's the smell. And he, (sniffin.g) "Huh?" and spots the two of you. You're not far, you're ten feet away from him.

LIAM: Cookie blurts out: Fuck him up, Liam!

BRIAN: I'm going to somersault towards him and--

LIAM: Honey badger don't give a shit!

BRIAN: Jump up towards his throat with my claws out.

MARISHA: Okay, roll for bear. You have advantage because of carnage.

MATT: Muscle and carnage!

MARISHA: Oh, muscle and carnage!

BRIAN: Fail.

MARISHA: How'd you fail?

BRIAN: I only have two in bear right now.

MARISHA: Oh, shit! Well you get more frustrated because your plan failed and you get a point in bear. As you're gauging the trajectory of your jump, "I'm going to do this awesome flying leap!" and as you fly you just fly right past him. Faceplant.

MATT: Here's what I'm going to do, I'm going to quickly try and stealth around him. I have one helping of bamboo that I took earlier from that section. I'm going to try and put it right around this guy's face. And turn to Peddy, and try to get him to eat his face off.

BRIAN: Well.

MARISHA: Fascinating.

BRIAN: That's one way to get him back into meat.

MARISHA: Roll for criminal, I'm going to say.

MATT: All right.

MARISHA: I don't know how stealthy you're being for this.

MATT: No, not at all. It's a success!

MARISHA: Success. Peddy.

SAM: Oh, I just had the jitters. I'm going to run at the thing and try to bite its face off!

MARISHA: Roll for bear with advantage.

SAM: That's a success.

MARISHA: As you leap at him, your crazed panda claws and your soft demeanor is totally off-putting. And you go right for this guy's throat.

SAM: I'm going to eat through the bamboo and try to chomp his face to death.

MARISHA: You succeed. That's gory and impressive.

BRIAN and MATT: Ew! Oh.

SAM: I'm going to try and spit out the meat and keep the bamboo.


SAM: It's like bloody bamboo.

MARISHA: You're doing okay. You're holding on, but the taste of meat, after you're so recently trying to cut back is a little rough.

BRIAN: How you doing?

SAM: My stomach's churning.

LIAM: You got a dark side, Tuxpin.

SAM: We vegans are crazy.

LIAM: Sure enough.

MARISHA: You now have the corpse of a Bear Acuda member.

SAM: I search his body for any items.

MARISHA: Okay, roll for criminal.

BRIAN: Is he dressed in a ninja outfit?


SAM: That's a fail. So I lose criminal?

MATT: Lose criminal, go to bear.

MARISHA: You are a little too nauseous, you throw up a little bit, and you have to step away.

TALIESIN: We're going to strip the bear.

LIAM: Yeah, strip this bear, I want to put on his clothes.

MATT: I was going to say, yeah, give it to him.

MARISHA: Okay, you strip, you take his clothes. As you search him, you guys end up finding, in one of the pockets--

LIAM: Oh yeah!

BRIAN: Nobody else around that we can see or hear, right?

LIAM: Between salmon and bamboo.

BRIAN: Marisha? Nobody else around that we could see or hear, just the one guard?

MARISHA: No one thus far, no. You seem to be alone.

LIAM: That's it.

SAM: You got a code?

LIAM and TALIESIN: We got the code.

SAM: Is it a puzzle or is it just the code?

LIAM: This dumb fuck has got it in his pocket.

SAM: Tell me, was the code las mambo?

TALIESIN: So close.

LIAM: Instead it is salmon, bamboo, salmon, salmon, bamboo.

MATT: That wasn't bad. It was good, it was right around. It was barely there.

LIAM: It's true, it's hard to tell which side is up. I think this is it. Maybe it's that. There's four options.

SAM: Wait. Don't the Bear Acuda read backwards though, on the page?

LIAM: That's only in their comics.

SAM: Okay.


TALIESIN: They've been flipped.

MARISHA: Waffle, as you turn around, as you're looking at this, you see this wooden door that's carved into the side of a hill. Encased in stone, a little bit reinforced with some paving and on the side, there's a little keypad box with a cover over top of it.

TALIESIN: I'm going to walk over, lift the keypad box.

MARISHA: There are two buttons, one's a salmon and one's bamboo.

LIAM: Keypad.

MARISHA: And there's a little LED screen up top.

LIAM: So--

TALIESIN: I'm thinking!

LIAM: I mean, I think that--

TALIESIN: Ah-ah, no. One moment.

LIAM: You're The Brains.

TALIESIN: I'm going to hit salmon.


TALIESIN: I'm going to hit bamboo.

MARISHA: All right.

TALIESIN: I'm going to hit salmon. I'm going to hit bamb-- I'm going to hit salmon. I'm going to hit bamboo.

MARISHA: Bleep, bleep (door unlocking).

TALIESIN: Gentlemen.

BRIAN: You fucking genius.

TALIESIN: We're in.

MATT: How'd you figure that out?

SAM: That's amazing code breaking! He's a code breaker. He's a windtalker.

TALIESIN: Well I used to be a hacker, to be fair.

MATT: That's true.

TALIESIN: You never really stop being a hacker.

LIAM: By the by, do I look like a ninja and shit now?

MARISHA: You do look like a ninja and shit. It's pretty awesome. Once you're in, you see this long corridor that stretches almost as far as you can see into the darkness. Lining it are dilapidated crates and broken glass, many of which have honey oozing out.

BRIAN: I walk over and I start wheezing the juice.

MATT: Las Vegas! Stay focused.

BRIAN: There's honey dripping out of the walls here, man!

MATT: I understand, but this is shitty, outside quality honey. We want the good stuff that's hidden inside.

BRIAN: Ugh, fine.

MATT: Stay on target.

BRIAN: All right, let's go.

MARISHA: You also see a few wheelbarrow wheels, cartwheels, a few broken down wheelbarrows and carts themselves.

TALIESIN: These guys have been collecting wheels!

SAM: I think I could fashion something out of these.

LIAM: Is there enough pieces to put together, something like that?

TALIESIN: It's looking like enough wheels.

SAM: Yeah, but it's a narrow corridor, so it's not going to be a cart. I'm going to make us a really long motorcycle.

LIAM: Like a tandem bike?

SAM: Kind of like tandem bike, with five wheels. Like a Tron bike, sort of, with extra wheels.

BRIAN: What if we have to turn around? We're going to be doing the--

MATT: Don't worry about that!

TALIESIN: It's a good plan.

SAM: We got to get in first.

LIAM: Yeah, and Trinket's been hanging out with what's-his-face, that guy. He's half an albino.


LIAM: Quincy! Yeah, the detective. He makes stuff.

TALIESIN: Quincy de Bolo, you know?

LIAM: So you could give some advice, maybe.

SAM: Oh, Quincy de Bolo, yeah. All right, let me see if I can make this contraption.

MATT: I can help you out. I've seen him making a few crazy things.

SAM: Okay, with your help.

BRIAN: If you need me to bend anything, I've got these now, I've got these.

SAM: I might need you to bed a couple of iron rods around, axles and stuff.

MARISHA: Okay, I'll say each one of you make a check.

LIAM: Make a Bolo check.

MARISHA: With advantage, since you're all doing your skills.

SAM: This isn't an inherent bear skill.

MARISHA: This isn't a bear thing, this is a criminal thing, yeah.

BRIAN: Success.

TALIESIN: This is a Bolo thing.

LIAM: When are bolos going to come back into fashion?

MATT: Success.

MARISHA: Okay! I'm just going to do two out of three.

SAM: Oh, good!

MARISHA: You're a little bingey still, a little tweaky.

SAM: There's a little blood residue. I don't like it.

MARISHA: Yeah, you're doing okay. With what you know about carts and motorcycles, you're able to figure it out and, luckily, with Percy as your patron saint right now.

MATT and TALIESIN: Quincy!

MARISHA: Quincy de Bolo. Quincy with a bolo.

BRIAN: Quincy de Bolo instead of Percy de Rolo?

MARISHA: Yeah, it's that guy, that we all know and love.

LIAM: Welcome to 90 seconds ago, Las Vegas.

BRIAN: Listen, I've been drinking since last Tuesday.

MARISHA: It is not motorized, you all have to pedal, though.

SAM: Yes, Flintstones style!

MARISHA: Flintstones style, all in a line.

MATT: Look, you can't build something unique like this and not give it a name.

TALIESIN: You need to name it.

SAM: Oh, boy.

MATT: I suggest Good Tidings.

SAM: That's pretty good. Okay, we'll call it Good Tidings.

TALIESIN: Good Tidings, all right.

SAM: Yeah. I'm going to ride in the front, so I can steer. I think it's a Christmas thing, I don't really know. We'll all get on. There's enough seats for all of us except you, Las Vegas, I'm sorry. You'll have to ride on somebody's shoulders.

BRIAN: That's okay. I'll ride on Trinket's shoulders.

SAM: Okay, we all have to pedal with our feet?

MARISHA: Mm-hmm.

SAM: All right, there's one more thing! The only way this thing works is if we all go like this (motorcycle imitation) at the same time, or else it won't go.

LIAM: Seem strange, but--

MATT: You're the one who built this.

LIAM: I don't question scientists.

SAM: Ready?

MARISHA: It's a long corridor. You guys have to--

SAM: Deep breath!

MATT: Get on, Las Vegas, get on.

SAM: On a count of three! One, two, three.

(motorcycle imitations)

MARISHA: In about that time-- (laughter) As you guys reach a fork in the corridor, the very abrasive noise you were making alerts two ninjas.

BRIAN: Son of a bitch!

MARISHA: And they drop down.

BRIAN: I'll jump off Trinket and try and attack the one on the left.

MARISHA: Okay, Las Vegas is taking the one on the right. There's a fork, so there's two guarding each corridor. Las Vegas is taking the one on the right. Roll with advantage for your carnage.

BRIAN: Is this criminal or bear?

MARISHA: This is bear, you're going full--

BRIAN: Fail.

MARISHA: Ugh, okay, you get more frustrated. Take a point in bear.

BRIAN: Fuck!

MARISHA: Poor Las Vegas! The bears are just too quick, they saw you coming, and one of them goes (kicking) and punts Las Vegas out of the way.

TALIESIN: I'm going to throw my bowler, like a James Bond villain, ninja-style.

MARISHA: Okay, are you taking the one that Liam's taking?

TALIESIN: No, I'm taking the other one.

MARISHA: Okay roll-- what was your skill?

TALIESIN: I have honey sense.

MARISHA: Honey sense, but you're The Brains. Roll for criminal, I think.

TALIESIN: Roll for criminal. Success.

MARISHA: You ping one right off the top of his head. You papercut his eyes a little bit, and he's like, "Ow! What? How?!"

TALIESIN: There's more where that came-- There's not more. I had one hat. I'm not sure what to do now.

MARISHA: "Ugh, you got me right in the eye!"

LIAM: I'm not an expert, but I'm coming to my brother's defense. I'm going to nut-punch him!

MARISHA: Roll for bear.

LIAM: Success!

MARISHA: As he is holding his eye he goes (grunting). It's like a Three Stooges movie. He goes down. He's not taken out, but he is a little incapacitated.

MATT: I'm seeing all this and the urge to tear into this comes into me. I need to get myself up and mentally ready for this, so I scoop down into my pocket and pull out a thing of honey and start devouring it feverishly.

MARISHA: Okay, while you do that, what are you doing, Peddy?

SAM: I'm going to remember back to when we had just played that board game.

MARISHA: Flashback. (warbling)

SAM: When I had just said to the gentleman: Your dick is just below average. When he looked down is when I swiped one of the pieces of the board game, one of the ice chunks. I've been concealing it this whole time.

MARISHA: (slowly) "Only when the temperature's below average."

SAM: (slowly) It's okay.

MARISHA: You have a board game piece.

SAM: I'm going to throw a board game piece at the other guy!

MARISHA: At the one that he's attacking? Okay. Roll for criminal.

MATT: Which you got a point back for.

SAM: Yeah, I got a point back for the flashback. Okay. That's still a fail!

MATT, TALIESIN, and MARISHA: Back to bear!

BRIAN: It's hard to roll below two, three. Ugh.

MARISHA: These are crazy bears, he goes (pinging). Wax on!

SAM: Oh, man!

MARISHA: Then he's looking right at you. Trinket, you've downed your honey?

MATT: (growling) I have honey foam gathering at the corners of my bear mouth. (growling) Not wanting to call too much attention, I go up towards the one that just deflected it and thrust him against the wall and put my arms up there pinning him. I go: You're going to die, sucker. And try to get him to piss himself and drop his guard.

MARISHA: Roll twice for terrify.

MATT: Success!

MARISHA: He goes (whimpering) and you feel a little warmth on your paw.

BRIAN: While he's pinned up against the wall, can I try and jump from between Trinket and him and shove my claws up through, under here?

MARISHA: You may, and you have advantage as he is pinned, and for your carnage.

BRIAN: He dead.

MARISHA: With that, Trinket, all you see is his eyes go (popping) a little bit as two of Liam Las Vegas's claws go up through the back of his head and into his sinuses. A little bit of tears of blood come streaming down his face. He (chokes) and slumps down.

BRIAN: As he's dying, I say: (whispering) Welcome to fabulous Las Vegas.


MATT: As he pulls his claw out of the head, I go: Told you. I step away.

MARISHA: He slumps down. You still have one more on you guys' side.

TALIESIN: Let's keep one for questioning.

MARISHA: That was awesome. Wait, what?

TALIESIN: We're going to incapacitate this one.

MARISHA: Okay, and go for questioning. Is that what you said?

LIAM: What I'm going to do is-- I remember all those Beauregard comic books I read as a kid, and I'm going to take him around the neck. I'm going to bear-kour across the wall and then try to slam downward and bring him down to the ground so that Waffle can question him.

MARISHA: Okay, roll for bear.

TALIESIN: A bear hug, I imagine.

LIAM: That's a success.

MARISHA: You bear hug him right around his throat and he just, "Oh god!" He collapses right down. You are on--

MATT: Success means you move to criminal.

MARISHA: Yes, success move from bear to criminal.

LIAM: I was in it, Matt. I was in it!

MARISHA: It's like a wrestling pose. You are right on top, and he's stuck. Whatever you want to do.

LIAM: He's all yours, bro-bro!

TALIESIN: Where's the honey?

MARISHA: "Look, man. There's a few safes all around, but Hattori's moved most of it to his own office and his own personal stash."

TALIESIN: How do we get there?

MARISHA: "Okay. You're going to go down this left passageway. You're going to get to your first right, you're going to take that--"

TALIESIN: Hold on, I have to write this down. Hold on. Okay, left passageway.

MARISHA: "Left passageway. Your first right."

TALIESIN: First right.

MARISHA: "Second left."

TALIESIN: Second left.

MARISHA: At the end of that corridor, you'll see his hideout.

SAM: Is he wearing ninja clothes?


SAM: We're going to need one more thing from you.

MARISHA: "What?"

SAM: Take off your clothes.

MARISHA: "What?!"

MATT: I lean in. (growling) Take off your clothes.

MARISHA: "Okay."

LIAM: Don't worry. It's just the tap.

MARISHA: "I don't know what that means."

MATT: Oh, you will.

MARISHA: "Just don't kill me. Will you not tell?"

LIAM: You will if they meet their goal.

MARISHA: "Just don't tell Bongo about this, okay?"

SAM: Give me those.

MARISHA: "Okay."

SAM: I start ripping them to shreds.

MARISHA: "Look. I don't know if you guys are with that Yak guy, but I didn't hurt him, okay? I wasn't the one who--"

BRIAN: Where is he?

MATT and BRIAN: Is he alive?

MARISHA: "Yeah, he's alive."

BRIAN: Where?

MARISHA: "Okay, you know how you go down that left corridor, and you take that right, and then there was the second left? If you keep going past that second left and you keep going all the way down, there's two more rights. You're once again going to take that second right."

TALIESIN: Oh, the second right.

MARISHA: "Yeah. He's not far, though. It's just two doors down. Yeah."

TALIESIN: That's very specific. This is good.

MARISHA: "Okay, thank you. It's a big fort."

LIAM: We good here, Waffle?

TALIESIN: I think we're good here.

MARISHA: "Can I run away and will you guys not say anything?"

LIAM: I tap him in the nose and choke him out.

MARISHA: (choking)

TALIESIN: (shushing) Go to sleep. There will be waffles in the morning, go to sleep.


SAM: The Sweet Brothers are stone cold.

MATT: It's been a rough seven months for these two.

TALIESIN: Shit got dark, man.

LIAM: I'm not fucking going back to prison, all right?

TALIESIN: Never again.

SAM: That was the zoo.

BRIAN: Before we leave this hallway, I'm going to dip my paw and my nail into some of his friend's blood, and I'm going to draw a dick on his cheek while he's asleep.

MATT: The one that he killed? I'm going to take off his ninja clothes and put that on me. To help me with my thieving shit.

MARISHA: We got three ninjas.

SAM: Are you okay, Trinket? You're shaking a little bit. You look a little crazy right now.

MATT: Sorry, it's just hard to bear all this violence around me.

TALIESIN: I think I'm going to scrape a little honey off the wall and give myself--

MATT: Actually, that's not a bad idea. I'm going to eat one of my honey as well.

MARISHA: Okay. You guys have plenty of honey that you have stocked up on, so if anyone--

LIAM: While they do that, I'm going to practice my capo-bear-a moves.

BRIAN: I'll eat some honey too. That moves a criminal to bear, right?

MARISHA: Yeah, if you eat a lot of honey, you move a point from criminal to bear.

SAM: Mount up, everybody. I've invented something. Put these wads of fabric in your mouth. They're mufflers.

BRIAN: Please tell me this has a better name than the (muffled).

SAM: We still got to make the sound, but now it will be quiet.

(muffled speaking)

MATT: (muffled) Hop on!

SAM: (muffled) We're riding out!

LIAM: (muffled) Let's do this shit! (muffled motorcycle imitations)

MARISHA: You head down the left corridor. You take the first right. You're coming up, and you take that second left. And you keep going. You're going to Kody Yak's? Or you're going to Hattori Bongo? The first-- Kody Yak? Okay. You keep going past, you have a little debate, and then you go past a cell, a little door.

SAM: (braking sound effect) (spitting and coughing)

TALIESIN: I think my muffler is broken.

SAM: Very uncomfortable.

LIAM: I felt like Vinnie the Pooh for a second there.

MARISHA: As you pull up, you hear someone go, "Is someone there? I hear something."

BRIAN: Kody, is that you?

MARISHA: "That's not my name anymore."

BRIAN: Guy who used to be Kody, is that you?

MARISHA: "Yeah, that's me."

BRIAN: What's your name? Is it Reek?

MATT: Is it the bear formerly known as Kody?

BRIAN: Bear formerly known as Kody Yak!

MARISHA: "They changed my name to Wagyu."

BRIAN: Wagyu?

MARISHA: "Yeah. I don't know."

SAM: Is that a cow thing? What is that?

BRIAN: Is that a cow? Wagyu?

MARISHA: "I feel like I'm their prized meat."

BRIAN: Have they been eating you?!

MARISHA: "No, they're just been training me to help Hattori Bongo."

LIAM: Training you how?

MARISHA: "Are you with Tova?"

ALL: Yes.

MARISHA: "Okay. Please. If you let me out I'll help you. I'll help you fight him."

SAM: How do we break open this door?

BRIAN: How do we let him out?

MATT: I got this, don't worry. I pull out my meat tenderizer thieves' tools.

LIAM: The Nutcracker.

MATT: (laughing) And fucking bust the shit out of this, like a thief does.

MARISHA: (clanging)

SAM: Put a muffler on it!

MARISHA: (muffled clanging)

SAM: Oh, it worked!

MARISHA: Roll for thief? Lock picking.

MATT: Success.

MARISHA: With a few blows, you eventually bend the lock to where you can get in.

MATT: See, a little finesse doesn't hurt.

MARISHA: Out steps this man who's been half in the Bear Acuda colors, the scraps tied around him, giant horns. He's a yak. He's definitely a big yak. He comes out, he's hunched. But as he straightens as he gets out of the cell, you can see that on his hind legs he stands about your guys' height, but he seems a little bigger with the giant yak horns.

TALIESIN: Yakety-yak.

BRIAN: Do we have anything that could maybe strengthen him or, you know, make him feel better so we have another person to help us fight?

TALIESIN: Yak yak or something?

LIAM: You like honey, Kody?

MARISHA: "No, not really."

BRIAN: Maybe some Yak in the Box? Do we have anything--

MARISHA: "I like grassy things."

TALIESIN: We could have stopped for something.

LIAM: Hey, you got any bamboo left?

SAM: I got a little bit. Do you like bamboo? It's kind of like--

MARISHA: "Yeah, it's a little sweet for me, but I like it all right."

TALIESIN: I got a bit of the flowers. I took a couple of flowers from the--

BRIAN: The cakes! You put the cakes under your hat.

MARISHA: Shaking, he desperately shoves it in his face.

LIAM: Pass the hat, guys.

SAM: I got no more bamboo left, though.

MARISHA: "He's been training me. He's got these code words."

BRIAN: What code words?

MARISHA: "I don't know, I could never remember them."

BRIAN: What did they do?

TALIESIN: Well then he's not training you very well then, is he?

MARISHA: "I just go blind. I just go after them, and he's been trying to make these new contraptions. I don't know, I think they're around here somewhere."

BRIAN: What do they do?

MATT: Can you lead us to them?

MARISHA: "I don't know, there's stuff hidden all over the place. I'd never seen anything like them before."

BRIAN: Are they traps?

MARISHA: "No, they make loud booming noises. They're shiny. And people use them--"

MATT: Show me. I think I may have seen some of these before.

MARISHA: He leads you down that first corridor that you guys passed to get to him. You go wrap around to the right and you see the storage room that's filled with crates.

BRIAN: What's in the crates?

MARISHA: Make a search. You're going to have to destroy the crates first, so I'd say make a bear check with advantage for carnage. You make a straight roll for bear.

BRIAN: Success.

MATT: Fail!

MARISHA: Luckily, Liam Las Vegas just tears into the first one with full-on alcoholic rage. Just gnaws the corner off, it's crazy.

BRIAN: I've been doing Bear-90-X.

MATT: I can tell, you've been making the beavers jealous.

BRIAN: Yeah, well I make all the beavers jealous where I'm from. I also make them happy.

SAM: How?


SAM: Yes, how do you make the beavers happy?

BRIAN: By being chivalrous.

SAM: Oh! That's what everyone wants, just a nice guy.

TALIESIN: You get that from the B-90-X?

BRIAN: I leave their whores-- their holes alone.

LIAM: You failed twice! In one second!

TALIESIN: That was amazing. That was a double fail.

BRIAN: I've never felt worse about saying something while sitting next to Matt Mercer in my life.

LIAM: To be fair, you haven't slept in 36 hours.

BRIAN: That's definitely true.

TALIESIN: I feel like that deserves a point in bear.

SAM: We're looking for something loud and shiny, right?

BRIAN: Yeah.

MARISHA: As you tear into the first crate that you find, you find tiny shiny things. You open a little bit of a box and you find, not a lot of it looks functional, but you find one shiny ball.

BRIAN: Interesting.

TALIESIN: That could be useful.

MARISHA: There are a few more crates.

TALIESIN: I'm going to tear into a crate.

MARISHA: Okay, roll for bear.

LIAM: First it's dicks, now it's balls.

TALIESIN: That's a fail.

SAM: I'm going to open a crate or two.

MARISHA: Unfortunately, Waffle, you try to punch a crate and it's a little too hard for you.

SAM: I'm going to sit on a crate, see if I can open it with my panda weight.

MARISHA: Roll for bear.

SAM: That's a success.

MARISHA: This one that you're going after crushes in. You succeed so you go from bear to criminal.

SAM: Oh, go from bear to criminal.

MARISHA: Succeeding goes from bear to criminal. Failing goes from criminal to bear, no matter the stat you roll. As the crate breaks in, you feel this thing jam up right into your left cheek.

SAM: Ugh! I got something here, guys!

MARISHA: It's like a pipe-shaped thing.

SAM: You're The Brains, look at this thing.

TALIESIN: What is this thing?

MATT: You might want to clean it off first.

LIAM: What the heck is that?

MATT: I know exactly what that is.

SAM: That's a hookah pipe.

MATT: That's what my papa in law is now producing. No.

BRIAN: I think that might be a Hattori bong.


MATT: Be careful with that. No! Don't point it towards your face. Hey, hand it here. Here's the thing, I've watched papa-in-law do this a bunch. You take one of the small shinies and you put it inside the big long shiny.

TALIESIN: Now it's stuck in the--

MATT: You pull back and when you let go, boom! It puts a hole in what's right next to you.

LIAM: Like it sends out a stick?

MATT: Kind of, yeah. It makes a lot of hurty-hurt on the thing that's right there.

TALIESIN: So you can use it to send a message or something?

MATT: Yeah, a message that will kill it.


MATT: Be careful with that.

LIAM: Powerful words.

SAM: Hey, listen, he's got the right to bear arms, it's okay. He can do it.

LIAM: We're so sorry.

MARISHA: There's a few more crates you guys can search if you want.

BRIAN: Do you guys want to search any more crates?

LIAM: Yes, I would like to do my best imitation of the hairless bears-- also known as people-- and lift the lid off of one with my claws.

MARISHA: Roll for criminal.

LIAM: (growling) That is a failure.

TALIESIN: Oh yeah, that's a failure. Wow!

MARISHA: You get a little more frustrated. You move a point from criminal to bear as you don't have the opposable thumbs to dexterously enough--

LIAM: I got a fucking splinter! Oh jeez.

TALIESIN: That's what you get for trying to lift things like you've got thumbs.

MATT: I'm going to go ahead and, seeing as how a dexterous attempt doesn't seem to be working I'm going to slam by bear self into it repeatedly to try and get it to tip over.

MARISHA: Roll for bear.

BRIAN: I'm going to go over to Cookie and suck the stapler out of his paw.

MATT: Success!

LIAM: The splinter?

BRIAN: The splinter out of his paw while--

MARISHA: You successfully are a maternal bear. You mama bear suck the splinter--

LIAM: This is bringing up feelings in me.

MARISHA: You find a case of the shiny rollies.

ALL: Ooh!

MATT: Good to know.

SAM: We should keep those together probably, right?

MATT: Yeah, I think so. Just in case.

MARISHA: So you have a couple more.

SAM: There's something about you and that pistol.

TALIESIN: It's like I was born for it.

LIAM: It feels right

BRIAN: It feels very natural.

LIAM: That's just right.

MARISHA: (whispers) That's just right.

BRIAN: That motion; very natural for you.

MARISHA: There are like two more crates left that you guys haven't messed up with.

TALIESIN: I'm going to try and smash one more now that I've got--

BRIAN: I could try another one.

TALIESIN: I'm going to take a ramming run at one of them.

MARISHA: Okay. You take one, you take the other. You have advantage. You roll for bear.

MATT: I'm going to eat some honey.

BRIAN and TALIESIN: That's a failure.

MARISHA: Oof. Man, you get a little bit more frustrated, each of you. Feel free to--

SAM: Should we abandon crate? Should we keep going?

LIAM: Got to get in.

SAM: I can give it one more shot if we want.

MARISHA: Do you want to sit on one more?

SAM: I'll sit on one more.

MATT: Pushing it. Give it a shot

SAM: Success.

MARISHA: Okay. You open it and there's one of these shiny rolly balls. In its own separate case and it's got a stamp on the side and a little bit of this magical aura to it.

SAM: Written in bear?

LIAM: Magical aura?

BRIAN: One of these balls is not like the other one.

LIAM: Magical aura? What are you looking at Peddy?

BRIAN: What do you got?

SAM: It says "Salmon, salmon, bamboo, bamboo, salmon, salmon, bamboo." It's going to take me a while to decipher. It's written in sema-bear.

LIAM: Oh it's covered in glyphs.

SAM: It says something about--

TALIESIN: Pronounced salmon and bamboo.

SAM: It seems to be a thing that we can use to magically summon someone to help us. So only if we get in dire straits.

MARISHA: Wait, I did the exact same thing that I did to you last time. I gave you the wrong one!

LIAM: Rewind. Rewind.

SAM: This makes far more sense.

LIAM: Oh, it's a fish.

SAM: Okay. It's just a really more powerful one of these.


MATT: You were reading it the wrong direction.

SAM: Yeah. It was salmon, salmon, salmon, salmon, bamboo, salmon, bamboo.

LIAM: Right. Because it's the Acuda, right? It's the left, right, right, left thing again. Yep, yep.

MATT: Gets me every time.

TALIESIN: I'm feeling really frustrated, I just want to run headlong into one more of these crates to see if I can get anything else going.

MARISHA: Okay, roll for bear.

TALIESIN: Finally, a success.

MARISHA: Okay, I was going to say, because you're pretty frustrated.

TALIESIN: I was getting pretty frustrated there.

MATT: If you had failed that, you would've lost it.


MARISHA: You crack it open and you find the remaining bullets. I mean, roly balls. Kody Yak goes, "You got to be careful, you know. He's got a lot of people hiding around here. He's got us all at his fingertips. He can destroy anything."

MATT: I've survived every battle I've ever been in. No one can take me down. Trust me, we'll be fine.

MARISHA: "You seem deeply convincing. Look like a bear that's seen a lot."

BRIAN: Don't worry. If shit gets really bad, this guy's going in a necklace.

LIAM: She's within a thousand feet of you right now, yeah?

MATT: I don't know what that means.

LIAM: Good, we're set.

MATT: Come on, let's go!

MARISHA: You guys lead the way--

BRIAN: Is Kody coming with us?

MARISHA: Kody is coming. He's a little shaken and disturbed-looking, but he goes down and follows you guys. As you guys approach the inconspicuous door, it's a stark opposite from what you guys just experienced at Vinnie the Pooh's. A little hidden, a little inconspicuous. It looks like any other of the Fort Lox doors in front of it.

TALIESIN: I feel like this door is doing a lot of work to try and not be noticed here. It's strange.

MARISHA: The Brains has a point. This appears to be, according to the directions, Hattori Bongo's room.

MATT: Can I take a look at that and pull out some of my more delicate and quiet silverware, and see if I can find a way to break through the lock without being noticed?

MARISHA: You can. Roll with advantage for criminal.

MATT: That's a success with a four.


SAM: He's getting up there in criminal.

MATT: Starting to get them wily ideas about a crazy future.

MARISHA: You pull out your corn cob-shaped skewers, the thinnest ones that you could find. You go in there-- ting! Don't-- calm, you focus. After you felt one little pin go, and-- (clicking).

MATT: (whines)

MARISHA: You're going to have to crank the turn wheel.

MATT: (cranking, click) We ready for this?

BRIAN: I'm going to be right in the corner of where the door's going to open, ready to pounce if I need to.

SAM: I've got the motorcycle parked just outside so we can make a quick getaway.

MATT: Hey, Waffle. You got them fireworks ready?

TALIESIN: I was just about to bring them out.

MATT: When shit goes belly-up, you throw them in. I'll follow suit. Trust me.

BRIAN: Yeah, cause a diversion.

LIAM: I'm downing my extra cocktail.

MATT: If it gets real bad and anyone's hurting, we'll all sidle up and form a bear-rier, to protect them.

SAM: A bear-ricade.

MATT: A bear-ricade. All right.

MARISHA: I will count that as a-- if anyone wants to a do a flashback planning, you can, and move. If anyone wants to down any honey, you can move one point voluntarily at this time.

MATT: I'm going to have my last jar of honey in preparation.

BRIAN: From criminal to bear?

MARISHA: Or bear to criminal, if you want to down honey. Or yeah, you know what I mean. If you want to move a point, you can. Yeah.

BRIAN: Is it a flashback?

MARISHA: I'm considering his little pre-planning just now a flashback.

BRIAN: Remember the last time we smashed something and a bunch of balls came out? Yeah. I don't know.

MATT: Hold onto that memory.

BRIAN: Yeah, I do. Every night.

TALIESIN: You want the gun, or you want the fireworks?

MARISHA: The gun in the first act?

LIAM: I think you're better suited for the gun, for some reason.

TALIESIN: You take the box of fireworks.

LIAM: Do I need that shiny stuff to set these things off?

TALIESIN: No, you just throw it in there. It'll be fine.

LIAM: All right, I've got a good throwing arm. Let's do this.

MATT: All right. Ready?

SAM: Oh yeah. I was bear-n ready. Nope.

MATT: All right.

LIAM: We do it for the honey.

MATT: We do it for the honey. Paws in. Three, two, one--

SAM: Go vegan!

BRIAN: Mazel-paws.

MATT: (boom) I push the door open!

MARISHA: It's a heavy iron door but with your terrifying rage, you immediately slam it open. You see it's a small room, but there's a big window. Which is odd, because you haven't seen a lot of windows. It seems to be a mysterious misplaced window. In front of it, in a long cloak, slicked-back hair, he turns around. Big black bear, white around his mouth, big brown eyes that looks at you, "Oh hello, Trinket."

MATT: (puzzled grunt)

MARISHA: "I've been watching all of you. Sweet Brothers, right? Welcome! I'm assuming you guys are here trying to overthrow me, right?"

LIAM: That's kind of the idea, yeah.

TALIESIN: That's the plan.

SAM: It's going down, Bongo!

MARISHA: "Hmm, We'll see about that. I just want to say, you need to think about anything that you want to do from here on out. Because I have this." He pulls out a little tiny vial with a little fleck of crystallized sugar that has congealed in the bottom left-hand corner of the bottle.

BRIAN: You can't threaten us with meth!

SAM: What is that, though? For real?


BRIAN: I have immunity towards amphetamines!

MARISHA: "We know all of your weaknesses. All of them. Now, that's not what we're after. This here, this is Balootonium."

SAM: What's it do?

MARISHA: "Oh, come on!"

LIAM: I mean, we're bears.

MATT: Is it sweet? Is it tasty?

BRIAN: Yeah!

MARISHA: "You all think that the Harvest Fest was just about controlling the honey trade, is that right?"

MATT: Yeah.

BRIAN: Yeah.

LIAM: It's the greatest thing in life!

SAM: That's exactly how it was presented to us.

MARISHA: "You fools! We were after that crazed man. The little bald one with three fingers! He's the secret. We've managed to cultivate this Balootonium: a highly-concentrated explosive of pure nitro-honey."

SAM: What are you going to blow up?

MARISHA: "All of Westruun, if I have to."

LIAM: (stuttering) But can you still eat it?

MARISHA: "Yeah. It's actually quite densely sweet. So sweet, just the touch of other molecules aside from its own will make you explode and blow your head into a million pieces."

MATT: How much will that piece blow up?

MARISHA: "Well, this right here can demolish all of this fort if I wanted to."

BRIAN: Eat it! Eat it!

TALIESIN: We dare you.

SAM: No, then we'll blow up inside.

MARISHA: "You will definitely die."

BRIAN: We don't know how long it takes for him to digest something like that.

MARISHA: "No-- any introduction of outside atoms, like water, will cause a quick chemical reaction and you all explode very quickly! I've thought of of all about this!"

TALIESIN: Do you have a whiteboard that you can show to explain all about this?

MARISHA: "I have plans! Don't try to brain-drain me! You're not going to get my plans!"

LIAM: (whispering) What is an atom?

MARISHA: "I'm just saying, If I drop this, you all explode!"

SAM: Okay!

BRIAN: Stop waving it around so much!

MATT: Is it the color blue?

MARISHA: No, it's (emphasis) Baloo. Baloo-nium.

MATT: Oh! It's not even blue.

MARISHA: There are a lot of deep-layered puns in this entire game.

BRIAN: Okay. What do you guys think?

SAM: Well, what's our choice? What are you asking us to do? Just leave?

MARISHA: "No. I'm asking you to fight!" And at that time--

BRIAN: Fuck me!

SAM: There's a map! Guys, we need to be using this time to come up with more puns. There's Smokey, there's Yogi, come on, guys!

MARISHA: Hattori Bongo--

MATT: Oh my god! What?!

LIAM: Whoa!

MARISHA: --exposes himself.

TALIESIN: Did put a--? You did.

MARISHA: Yeah, I've put a ninja mask--

TALIESIN: You put a ninja mask on a bear.

LIAM: Sidenote: Matt and I just learned the other day that, seven days without a pun makes one week.


SAM: Wait a second. You're gonna have to shoot balls in his mouth.

TALIESIN: Yeah. This is not my first rodeo.


MATT: We knew you were fit for the task, Taliesin!

MARISHA: As he drops down, two of his lackeys drop down in front of him. Here's a ninja bear.

SAM: Oh, you're going to block it?!


MATT: That's amazing!

MARISHA: Missed.

BRIAN: You have to push one to the front. You have to get it just to the tip there, yeah.

MARISHA: With that first pop, kakoof! Did you hit him? No? It went wide?

TALIESIN: It was an accidental misfire.

BRIAN: It was a premature misfire.

MARISHA: I'll give you that, I'll give you one.

BRIAN: You get one of your balls back.

MARISHA: You get a ball back.

TALIESIN: That's not a thing that happens outside of games. There we go.

MARISHA: With that first explosive round, and then that second explosive round as you fire two rapid shots, pow pow, from your rifle, Kody Yak has blood vessels pop in his eyes. He enrages as that seems to be the cue, and he turns against you. Kody Yak is now a ninja bear! What are you going to do about it? What are you going to do-- oh my god!

SAM: You shot Marisha!

TALIESIN: She was threatening me! Ah!

BRIAN: Higher!

SAM: How many does he have to get in?

MATT: Hold on!

BRIAN: Wait, wait!

MARISHA: I'm only counting hits.

SAM: Oh wait, those are hits?

MARISHA: So you've hit him twice?

TALIESIN: I think I've hit him twice.

BRIAN: Yeah, you've hit him twice, but don't we have to get it inside of his mouth?

MARISHA: No, I'm now solely counting hits.

MATT: As the second hit hits, and they're all guarding, I'm going to try and use Trinket's thief skills to ninja roll between his defenders and see if I can grab the Balootonium from his grasp.

MARISHA: Okay. Roll with advantage under criminal.

MATT: Success!

BRIAN: Can I try and somersault and trip Kody while he's going back and forth?

MARISHA: You can. Roll for criminal, I think. Success. As he is distracted, he's like, "Ha! Aw."

BRIAN: Success!

MARISHA: With that, Kody Yak trips. He is down temporarily, on the floor floundering.

LIAM: The ninjas are still up?

MARISHA: The ninjas are still up, though.

LIAM: All right, Cookie remembers his training with Yogi Berra, and throws the the fireworks at the two ninjas!

MARISHA: Roll for criminal.

LIAM: That is a big failure.

MARISHA: They go wide, they pop in the corner. These are ninjas, they're used to explosives.

BRIAN: Can I grab them from the corner and try and throw them?

MARISHA: They've already been expended. The ones that he has.

MATT: It's okay, don't worry.

LIAM: Shoot it in his mouth, Waffle!


MARISHA: One more.

BRIAN: Get both of the balls in his mouth, quick!

LIAM: Shove them in! Shoot it in his mouth!

MARISHA: Oh! He is still up!

MATT: That's all right!

SAM: Wait, I got one more bullet. Should I try it? It says it has the power of ten bullets, but it will destroy the gun.

TALIESIN: I believe in you!

MATT: We believe in you!

TALIESIN: This is what you were born for.

BRIAN: You're at a bad angle for ball insertion.

SAM: Do I have to get it in the mouth, or just hit it?

MARISHA: You just have to hit him.

SAM: Oh. I flashback to when I was a child in Szechuan, China.

MARISHA: Hang on.

LIAM: Or whatever the Exandria equivalent is.

MATT: In the Shattered Teeth, far south of the continent of Wildemount.

SAM: My father said to me, "Run, Peddy, run. The hunters have come." I heard in the distance firing sounds, because the Chinese invented guns long before anyone else did. I heard gunfire and I ran and ran, and that's the last time I saw my family, and that was the last time I ever saw a gun. Now, it will be my salvation.

MARISHA: The strange flashback music playing, you steady your focus. You think about--

(loud cheering) (laughter)

MARISHA: With that, an explosive orb of magical energy expands around the bullet. It looks like a comet as it races straight towards Hattori Bongo.

BRIAN: Wait! Oh, sorry.

MARISHA: It hits him, and upon impact you see the blue cascading energy course around him. It crackles inwards and he explodes into a thousand pieces with the energy of the ten-plus powerful bullets.

BRIAN: Can I try to grab the thing before it hits the ground?

MATT: I already grabbed it. However, there are still two ninjas. I'm like: Guys, run! I've got this, trust me!

SAM: You're going to stay?

MATT: I pull out the potion I had found earlier, and I go: Who's ready for some celebratory fireworks? I throw it to the back corner of the room, near the ninjas.


MATT: It's a potion of Fireball, that reads: I've run out of passions--

SAM: Potions.

MATT: No, it says passions.

MARISHA: It was from a list of "passions" and he just ran out of "passions" and made a potion.

MATT: Roll to cast. Produce a fireball that inflicts d6 damage per caster level to all creatures in a 20-foot radius. Reflex save for half damage.

SAM: What?!

MATT: He just went straight to D&D rolls for this one.

MARISHA: He just stole a D&D fireball.

BRIAN: That's amazing.

MATT: So I'm holding the Balootonium in one hand and this potion in the other and I go (slow-mo voice) Run! (whooshing) We all just turn and start running as it flies towards the fireworks. Do I have to roll anything? d6 per caster level. How many caster levels does a bear have?

MARISHA: Roll this under your criminal thief stat with advantage.

MATT: All right. Oh no. That's a success. It also put me at full thief.

MARISHA: Oh shit!

LIAM: The bear is ours.

MARISHA: It crashes.

MATT: How many caster levels is the potion?

MARISHA: It kills them instantly.

MATT: I want to roll dice!

MARISHA: Well, you're full criminal so I'm going to say roll four dice.

MATT: That is 14 points of fireball damage.

MARISHA: 14 points is plenty. It singes their hair. These are like three hit point bears. There are no points! He had three hits.

LIAM: Ten million space bucks!

MATT: As I'm running down the hallway--

MARISHA: (explosions) You see flames lick out of the front door of the corridor, you guys run down further.

SAM: Get on the bike, guys!

MATT: Are the fireworks going off?

MARISHA: The left over gunpowder, you hear (popping) like someone threw--

LIAM: Jump on the panda bike!

SAM: Jump on the bike! Let her rip!

(motorcycle imitations)

MARISHA: You turn down the left corridor!

(motorcycle imitations)

MARISHA: You scrape the wall a little bit as you turn down the right!

SAM: Do I need to roll to escape the fire?

MARISHA: You're the driver, you're guiding, so I'd say you feel the heat coming behind you. Trinket, you've got the nitro-honey in your hand--

SAM: I failed!

MARISHA: Oh no! You hear a little bit of popping and shrapnel coming up from behind you and a piece of crate gets caught in the spoke wheels of the bike.


LIAM: I can't bear it!

MATT: I barely cradle the Balootonium, taking the brunt of it with my body.

MARISHA: Roll for-- you're going to have to roll for criminal.

MATT: I auto-success.

MARISHA: You auto-success, that's right.

MATT: I stand up and looking at these four guys, the wily glare in my face of one who has completely turned to the side of crime and lawlessness goes: I'm sorry friends, but I've got my own plans. And I go running the other way.

SAM: What happened to Trinket?!

MARISHA: You chase after him, okay!

BRIAN: We go with him, we go chasing after him.

SAM: We're going back into the tunnel?

MARISHA: You guys had made it through that fork in the road where that main-- you came down that right corridor, and there's that main stretch of corridor towards the exit. So that means Trinket, you go up the right way, up the fork in the corridor you guys had not been down.

MATT: I'm running, staring at it.

SAM: We've got to get him, guys.

LIAM: Tuxpin, get me close to that bear!

SAM: I don't have a vehicle, jump on my back!

BRIAN: Is there any honey on the walls?

MARISHA: There is so much honey.

BRIAN: I'm just scooping a ton into my paw.

MATT: I'm just laughing wildly as I'm looking at it. So much power! (evil laugh)

BRIAN: Can we catch up to him?

MARISHA: You can. I would say all of you make rolls.

SAM: Do I get advantage because I'm a driver?

MARISHA: Yes, you get advantage.

LIAM: At what?

MARISHA: Just roll for bear as you're running after him.

TALIESIN: I succeed.

LIAM, BRIAN, and SAM: Success!

BRIAN: Do we catch up to him?

MARISHA: You catch up to him.

BRIAN: I shove all of the honey I grabbed off the wall into his mouth and I'm just leached onto his neck and I'm just shoving all of the honey into his mouth.

SAM: Use your strength, Las Vegas!

LIAM: I'm the little bear and I'm boxing him in the nuts as hard as I can!

TALIESIN: I'm going to grab the Balootonium and stash it.

MARISHA: Okay, you roll for criminal, you roll-- you auto-succeed on everything. No, you're good, you're good. I would say you roll for bear-- muscle with advantage to see if you get in.

MATT: See if you can force me to swallow it.

BRIAN: Success. Double success.

TALIESIN: I got it. Success.

BRIAN: I'm really good at forcing people to swallow things.

MARISHA: You are successfully honey-waterboarding.

BRIAN: You've been honey-boarded, my friend.

TALIESIN: I stash it with my--

MATT: (laughing) Honey-boarded!

LIAM: I have not stopped mauling his balls!

MARISHA: As you wake up, you see Cookie at your testicles doing a little speed boxing routine.

LIAM: Come to your senses, Trinket! Come back to us!

MATT: I'm all right! Oh god!

LIAM: I got to make sure!

BRIAN: He's fine. I shoved a bunch of sticky stuff in his mouth and he's good now.

LIAM: Okay. Maybe just a little bit more! Okay.

BRIAN: What happened? Are you all right?

MATT: I'm okay.

BRIAN: It's okay, we've got the Balootonium.

TALIESIN and LIAM: Scraping the honey off the walls.

MARISHA: As Liam Las Vegas says that, Trinket, you realize you do not have the Balootonium.

MATT: Oh my god! Where did it go?

BRIAN: We've got it. It's okay. Waffle's got it. He's fine.

TALIESIN: I got it.

BRIAN: It's safe. We gave it to The Brains.

SAM: Guys? Let's get the hell out of here.

BRIAN: We got to get the honey!

SAM: What do you mean? What honey?

MATT: The honey's here.

BRIAN: The honey's here, we got to grab as much of it as we can!

SAM: Why?

BRIAN: Because it's delicious!

MATT: I like that way of thinking.

TALIESIN: That's very fair.

BRIAN: We need to get more inside of him in order for him not to turn into a crazy person!

MATT: I'm also okay with that. Look, we saved the Fort as far as I know. Let's go ahead and clear out what remains of this Bear Acuda, and then return to Tova, let her know that it's been cleared and take in our ten percent benefits for--

LIAM: Yeah. The bongo is no long-o. Let's go reap the spoils.

MARISHA: You guys find so much honey. You find some rare honey, a rare black lotus honey that is valued at quite a lot. You find more Balootonium.

TALIESIN: That honey is worth five honies.

SAM: Any bamboo?

MARISHA: Some bamboo, as some of the Bear Acuda were pandas, but not as much as the honey. There doesn't seem to be as much of a market for it.

SAM: I'll take it.

BRIAN: I have a question. Can we go back and try and grab Kody and take him out with us?

MARISHA: Kody is definitely dead.

BRIAN: Oh. There's no other prisoners in here who's not a bad guy?

MATT: Las Vegas, if anybody asks, he sacrificed himself bravely and it had nothing to do with my potion.

BRIAN: No, yeah, I'll write a letter to his family that explains the whole thing.

LIAM: Oh yeah, because he was taken down by Bear Acudas.

MATT: He was a martyr, and a champion, and I had nothing to do with it.

BRIAN: I'll tell them he died of a yak-attack.

LIAM: His dying words were, "For The Pooh!"

BRIAN: For The Pooh!

SAM: He committed bearikiri.


BRIAN: Cut the feed! We're done!

MARISHA: With that, as you all scoop up your spoils, Tova comes in and graciously congratulates all of you. You all are adorned with accolades and honey for life. You all get new suits. You are hired members of the High Bear Nation for whenever you feel like working, and that is where we will end today's Honey Heist 2: Electric Beargaloo.

SAM: Marisha Ray!

MATT: That was amazing!

LIAM: Yes!

BRIAN: That was awesome!

MARISHA: Thank you, you guys were amazing.

SAM: The Godfather voice!

MATT: That was so good!

MARISHA: What was it, Don Fontaine?

LIAM: Don LaFontaine?

MARISHA: Don LaFontaine was his name, though? Or was it the husband's-- the guy who was marrying his daughter?

SAM: Oh in the movie? Don LaFontaine was a voice over guy.

MARISHA: No, but it was Don--

TALIESIN: It was Don--

BRIAN: Chat hates us right now.

MARISHA: I thought that's what you were trying to quiz me on the husband's name.

SAM: No, I just wanted a name!

BRIAN: Oh, it was Don Quixote. I remember now.

MARISHA: I should have thought of the name of the husband based on the movie.

SAM: I don't even know that!


LIAM: In a world where honey was the greatest currency--

MARISHA: It's something Italian. It was-- I don't know.

LIAM: Don Mario Brothers.

MATT: Don Fettuccine.

MARISHA: Don Fettuccine, that was the husband's name. The bear's husband. It was Don Fettuccine. Thank you all so much for joining us on whatever this was. I would like to do a shout out to Grant Howitt who wrote this little thing. He also makes these shirts which have the rules on the shirts, which are amazing.

MATT: The entire rule set.

MARISHA: I love it. His thing is that he makes a lot of one-page RPGs that are amazing. He also writes on a lot of not one-page RPGs. He's got a Patreon, he's great, we love him. I think if you search Grant Howitt Patreon?

SAM: Maybe the graphic will come up right now.

MATT: The graphic is now appearing on the screen!

MARISHA: This is his Patreon! So yes, thank you to him for letting us play this amazing game. He's got a new one that he just came out with that's a raccoons racing one?

TALIESIN: It's a crash--

TALIESIN and MARISHA: Crash Pandas!

MARISHA: That's amazing. So yeah, check him out, and of course go check out our charity 826LA. Thank you to everyone who supported and made this game possible. Of course thank you to Liam Las Vegas, Trinket, Peddy Tuxpin, Waffle, and Cookie for coming back and reprising their roles on this weird sequel. With that, thank you for joining us. Is it Bears-day yet?

(groaning) [upbeat jazzy music]

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