Critical Role Wiki

This wiki contains spoilers for the entirety of Critical Role and The Legend of Vox Machina. Proceed at your own risk!


Critical Role Wiki
Critical Role Wiki

List of Transcripts


MATT: Welcome back, everyone, to the next episode of Critical Role! This week, we have a full party. We'll be continuing just after the climactic battle with the twisted beholder, K'varn. We're going to go ahead and play a couple of videos here while we're waiting for the rest of the party members to settle in, so we'll be back here in just a few minutes. Sit tight and we'll get this party started. We have some fun announcements, some cool gifts that came in we'll be opening towards the end of the session today, but we'll go into those details shortly, so see you in a little bit.

[dramatic music] [introductory video]

MATT: Hello, guys! Welcome back. Thank you for your patience. We have the whole group, finally seem to have defeated the horrible atrocity that is 13th-level Los Angeles traffic.


ZAC: What's up, internet? I've got a quick announcement.

MATT: Yes.

ZAC: Guys, we have a big giveaway today, when we get to 3,300 subscribers. I think we're 50 away or around 48, something like that. When we get to 3,300, we're giving away a dice box, a signed t-shirt, a starter set, and a signed Player's Handbook all in one box for a lucky winner, so if you guys get those subscribers rolling in, that's what helps pay for this show and pay for the entire channel as a whole, so get on that! And we wanted to say thank you to Aaron's Books in Lancaster County, Pennsylvania for sending us this stuff to give away to you guys.


MATT: Seriously guys, seriously, that was so cool of you to send that out there, and we want to say, happy sixth graduation, Aaron, congrats to you, well done.


ZAC: Aaron's a little young to be running a bookstore. That's all I have to say.

MATT: I consider that a very fine entrepreneurial position. You're getting started young, good man.

ZAC: So guys, enjoy the game.

MATT: Thank you so much, and thank you again, Aaron and Aaron's books. That's awesome, guys.

TRAVIS: Who was that strange masked man just now?

MATT: I don't know, it's so weird. Okay, so a couple quick things. First off, thank you guys for coming back and watching. Last week we had a few members away, so we had a fun little mini-game with a few folks, some who had played before, some who hadn't, and it turned out very interestingly. I hope my DM's tips were helpful for some folks out there. There's been some great feedback, and hopefully we'll do more things like that in the future for off-days. So, thanks to you. Welcome back, we're getting back into the main story line. Couple other quick things I wanted to mention: first off a big shout-out, birthday shout-out to Kit Buss, our fantastic artist for the show.


TRAVIS: Happy Birthday, Kit!

ORION: We love you, Kit.

ASHLEY: Happy birthday!

MATT: She's awesome, she's amazing, and I've seen a couple little previews of the next piece of art she's been working on and it looks pretty awesome. I think you guys are going to dig it. So she's not done, when she's finished drinking her birthday shots, then I think we'll hopefully see that soon. (laughs) Awesome, thank you so much, Kit!

MARISHA: Yes, shots first, then draw.

MATT: Exactly, it's priorities! Also, anyone have any announcements they want to mention before we start the game? Any upcoming stuff?

TRAVIS: The Justice League thing!

MATT: That's true, yeah! DC Kids on Youtube just released their new Super Friends animated series that both me and Travis are in.

ORION: Who are you? Who do you guys play?

MATT: Well, you play Lex Luthor.

TRAVIS: Lex Luthor, and you play Superman.

ORION: Son of a bitch!

SAM: Interesting choice.

TALIESIN: You can feel the tension.

MATT: It's a really, really cute show, it's a lot of fun, it's very much a playback to the classic Super Friends cartoon, that kind of comedic atmosphere. You should check it out.

SAM: You're Superman?

MATT: Yeah.

SAM: (Clarota voice) Does he talk like this?

MATT: Yeah, it gets a little weird around episode three. I don't think DC's happy with how we treated the license for that one.


TRAVIS: That's the best.

MATT: That's every character I do now. Matthew Mercer, reading for Superman: (croaking noise) Also, if anyone else has any other announcements they want to mention?


MARISHA: You go first.

ORION: Whatchamacallit, a few weeks ago me and Matthew wore these really cool shirts with the vermilion bird from Rubrum, which is in Type-0, the Final Fantasy that we're both in! That shirt was made from Greven, g-r-e-v-e-n, at Redbubble, and we wanted to thank him for those shirts, along with this awesome Final Fantasy shirt, made by August8913, where she did this super cool, it says Nine on the back, his says Trey. Thank you guys, for the really cool shirts.

TRAVIS: Aw, yeah! Jumped on the jam, boogie-woogie jam-slam.

MARISHA: I'm going to be at Lock and Load this weekend in Seattle, which is the War Machine Hordes con for Privateer Press.

TRAVIS: Really?

MARISHA: Yeah! It's awesome, I'm going to be dressed up in my Scar costume. It's going to be awesome, I'm going to be doing a big transformation with Espionage. Yeah, and we're actually going to be pushing the stream; they're going to be streaming it and Geek&Sundry is going to be hosting the Lock and Load stream, so tune in and watch me prance around at Lock and Load in Seattle.

TALIESIN: Those are impressive shoes to prance in, by the way.

MARISHA: Yeah, some intense stripper heels, yeah.

ORION: Who'd you play?

MATT: Kreoss.

ORION: You were Kreoss, by the way, War Machine Tactics, Matthew Mercer is Kreoss.

MATT: Kreoss, Asphyxius, couple other guys.

ORION: Yeah, yeah, check it out.

MATT: It's fun, it's on Steam.

LIAM: Asphyxius?

MATT: Asphysius is the character's name, lich lord Asphyxius, he's bad in town.

MARISHA: I'm Haley and Deneghra and Fiora.

LAURA: We're going to be at MetroCon next weekend.

MATT: Awesome! MetroCon next weekend.

TRAVIS: (sings) In Tampa.

LAURA: (sings) In Tampa, Florida.

TRAVIS: Tampa, Florida.

MATT: Okay. Real fast, before we get to that, I will be, for those who are near–

MARISHA: You already did it?

TRAVIS: How many did we have to go?

ZAC: 50.

LAURA: Ridiculous.

MARISHA: 50 subscribers.

MATT: Well, we already hit the mark!

MARISHA: Don't we normally hit that in, like, a show?

MATT: That works, you guys are amazing!

ASHLEY: Yes, that's awesome!

ORION: Thank you, everyone!

MATT: I'll finish my last announcement, then we'll go to that.

ZAC: I'm going to go ahead and start the giveaway.

MATT: Go, start the giveaway!

TRAVIS: When is the next giveaway?

ZAC: We're going to do– Those pictures already exist, they shared them with the chatroom. Yeah, so we're going to do this. We're going to do a whole other set of these when we get to the next 50.

MARISHA: Oh, a whole other set? There's another one?

ZAC: Technically, we have four sets.

LIAM: See you in five minutes.

MATT: So we have four sets of those to give away. Every 50 subscribers another set goes out, guys, so that's amazing.

ORION: I could have Sam fart on this for you, if you want.

SAM: Again? Already done, friend, already done.

MATT: Whoa. Okay, there we go. (laughs)

TRAVIS: The world just ended.

MATT: That was close. I just rolled a one on my camera save. Final announcement before we get to the game, for those who are– (shushing noises)

ORION: Sorry. Okay.

MATT: Can't all talk at once. Also, this weekend I'll be in Sandusky, Ohio, at Colossal Con along with such great folks as Johnny Yong Bosch, Steve Blum, other fun greats–

TRAVIS: Is that at the water park?

MATT: Yeah.

TRAVIS: Son of a bitch.

MATT: (laughs) Yeah, because water parks are totally sanitary. Hot tub's going to be great.

TRAVIS: The dysentery afterwards is–

ZAC: Flyingsquid63 is the winner.

ALL: Flyingsquid63!

MATT: You are the winner of the first set. Congratulations, that's awesome.

ASHLEY: It's an awesome name.

MARISHA: Oh look, and it's green. You're winning green speckled dice, like squid colors.

MATT: There you go, that worked out well, very Cthulhu-ian.

MARISHA: I'm justifying. Shut up, Liam!


MATT: Well awesome, so we hit our next 50, we'll do another giveaway, we have three more of those packages to give out, guys, so hopefully keep that up. All right, anything else or should we get back into the chaos?


ASHLEY: I'm scared!

MATT: You should be.

ASHLEY: I really am.

SAM: We beat the bad guy! It's fine, it's all fine.

Part I[]

MATT: Where we left off--

ORION: I forgot to ask you something before the game, it's fine.

MATT: It's okay. The party, as they ventured deep into the Underdark beneath the Cliffkeep Mountains in the dwarven city of Kraghammer, they sought and discovered Lady Kima of Vord, a folk hero, a paladin of Bahamut who had been captured and tortured by the duergar that lived beneath it. After saving her, they discovered that there was an even deeper, darker, more dangerous evil brewing beneath the surface. There was an illithid, or mind flayer, city of Yug'voril deeper within these cavern structures, and currently the Elder Brain of the colony was under the control of an entity known as K'Varn, they came to find out was a self-mutilated and advanced beholder, who had come into contact with a dark artifact known as the Horn of Orcus that was actually gifted many many, many many, like hundreds of years ago by the god of undeath himself, Orcus, to one of his avatars. Somehow it found its way to this beholder, and gave it enough power to where it gained complete dominion over this colony and these caverns as a whole. The party fought their way through and made a few allies, including the ousted mind flayer, Clarota, seeking to return to his colony, has been fighting alongside them, as well as Lady Kima, the paladin they came to save. Upon finding their way into the final cavern, they used their magic carpet to completely go around the giant city of Yug'Voril, perch on top of the temple in the center of the city, and using a polymorphed fomorian giant (laughs), cascading down hundreds upon hundreds of feet, through the glass structure on top, managed to break their way into the temple, after which a very dangerous battle with K'Varn the beholder took place. A number of very close calls. I posted the stats for them after the fight, if any of you guys got a chance to see it. They made saving throws where it counted, or we'd have a lot more party members that'd be permanently dead. But they managed to take him out; using Tiberius's Telekinesis, they tore the horn from its forehead and the beholder fell to the ground, unmoving and finally killed, as opposed to its undead form, and that's where we begin. As you guys all sit there looking around yourselves, adrenaline still pumping in your ears, the flow of blood.

ORION: Pike–

ASHLEY: That's me! What do you need?

ORION: Do you have spell of Restoration, the thing that can reverse stone?

ASHLEY: Yes, I do.

ORION: Clarota, what do you suggest we do? Do we stay, do we leave, or do we– what do you? There are hundreds upon thousands of illithid rushing at us right now, and they don't like me very much, by the way–

LAURA: We should get out of here!

MATT: At which point, Clarota turns to you and says, “You. Bring her.” Points to Kima, who is still frozen in stone mid-wielding her maul.

ASHLEY: To carry her?

MATT: “Stay but a moment; I will talk to them.”

SAM: Talk to the hive.

ORION: Very good. Wait, do you want her un-stoned, or still stoned?

MARISHA: Well, hang on. Maybe before we unstone Kima, we talk about what we should do with the Horn.

ORION: This is exactly what has to do with the Horn. Is there any way, Pike, could you perhaps half-cast it and hold the spell, don't quite undo her legs from stone, I don't want her to be mobile. I want to ask her–

ASHLEY: I don't know if I–

SAM: If I may, very quickly, are you with us, Tiberius?

ORION: We will discuss that when we get out of here.

SAM: Because you disappeared for like, the whole fight. Are you with us?

ORION: I am with you.

SAM: Are you going to disappear again?

ORION: To be fair, Scanlan, I never disappeared to begin with!

SAM: Well, you weren't there when we needed you the most. You were out doing God-knows-what.

ORION: Quite the contrary. If it wasn't for me, you'd still be fighting that damn thing.

SAM: What on earth are you talking about?

ORION: Silence.


SAM: Dispel Magic. Yes, I did.

ORION: Counterspell.

SAM: Do I have a will save?

ORION: No, you're done, you're quiet.

MATT: That low enough level? No, unfortunately.

ORION: The idea, which I will share– we don't have time to do that–

SAM: I turn him into a goat.

ORION: He has to say that, it doesn't work.

MATT: I know that.


ORION: So the idea is, Pike, if we ask her why she wants the horn, if there is any other reason but to destroy it, we have to–

SAM: Okay, then I'll Banish him.

LAURA: (gasps)

ASHLEY: How about– well, hold on.

TALIESIN: He can't stop it, he can't talk!

MATT: Also requires verbal casting.

SAM: I have to touch him, right?

MATT: You also have to be able to speak.

SAM: Fuck!

MATT: So while you're talking to them, Scanlan is tapping you and mouthing words angrily.

ORION: The idea is, if she doesn't want to destroy it, I say there's something awful, and Keyleth, I believe you want to destroy it, yes?

MARISHA: Well, yes, I mean why does she want to take it back up to the surface if it's that terrible?

ORION: I know this is, did you say Orcus, is that his name?

MATT: Orcus, yes.

ORION: This thing is no good at all.

MARISHA: Why don't we just throw it in some lava?

ORION: Where is some lava? I would much like to do that.

MARISHA: Well, we're around lava, right?

TRAVIS: We were.

LAURA: We're not around lava now.

TALIESIN: It's a thing of earth. Perhaps taking it to the surface is necessary to destroy it. Why don't we have a conversation with her?

ORION: But she wanted to take it back to Emon. That is not appropriate, we need to destroy this.

TALIESIN: Let's get some information first.

ORION: I dispel Silence.

MATT: Okay.

TALIESIN: Let's get some information, let's figure out–

SAM: Oh hi, hi there.

ORION: Sorry, I just wanted to get the point across.

ASHLEY: I can un-stone her.

TALIESIN: We'll un-stone her, it's not like she can take it from us.

ASHLEY: That's my last 5th-level spell, so we might need to rest.

TALIESIN: If something horrible happens, we're going to run anyway at this point.

MATT: I assume you guys have come down in here then.

ORION: I'm staying up, can I not–

SAM: Then how did we have this whole conversation?

ORION: Oh, then I'd be down there.

LAURA: I was planning on staying up. I'm not leaving Trinket up there.

MATT: Okay. Good.

TALIESIN: Why don't we find out what happens next? And if we have to, you can teleport us out of here, correct?

ORION: Oh, I have a wonderful escape plan.

MARISHA: Okay, so Clarota, how much time do we have before something happens next?

MATT: As you say that, Clarota turns, and the two stone doorways on each side of the temple shift open and you notice three mind flayers glide in from the side of the room.

LAURA: I notch my arrow.

ORION: No, no! Stop, no don't. It's fine, it's fine, it's fine.

MATT: Two small, bi-pedal, brain-like creatures.

ALL: No! No.

MATT: At which point, Clarota puts his hands up like this.

TRAVIS: I'm grappled, so.

MATT: Yeah, you're still being held back, but you can try to break from the grapple if you want to roll an athletics check.

TRAVIS: (laughs) I would like to, just because these things ate my fucking mind away. Seven.

MATT: Nope, you're still held against the bars.

TALIESIN: You're like an extra in Big Trouble in Little China.

TRAVIS: Oh, it's a 12! I looked at acrobatics.

MATT: Still not enough, unfortunately.

ASHLEY: Wait, but I cast– nope, never mind! Keep going!

MATT: Okay. As they begin to move in, and are hovering forward, looking around the room, taking in the scenery, but they're all focused toward the center, they're all just moving towards the Elder Brain. And they make their way up towards it, looking very intent and very frightened at the prospect of what maybe has happened in this room. As they all approach, you can see that low, dull, kind of purplish glow of the Elder Brain is still pumping, but slowly brighter and brighter, almost like it's coming to more life. You can hear the cage rattling of the various entities that are still inside, like the one that's still grappling Grog off to the side. The horn of Orcus, which is still being held aloft by your Telekinesis spell, is just hovering through the air, slowly rotating on its own, little strips of K'Varn's flesh still freshly tumbling from the side.

ORION: And it's at the halfway point between where she is and where I'm standing.

MATT: So right here?

ORION: Yeah, right there.

MATT: Not this big, of course.

ORION: It's really heavy, guys!

MATT: As they all move towards the center, Clarota, with his hands up, turns around, pulls back the hood, and steps towards the other mind flayers, hands stretched out, moving up to the point here.

ASHLEY: (whispers) Can you instill an inspiration?

SAM: Inspire him? I think he's pretty good on his own.

ORION: “Don't do anything.” I'm saying this on the ears.

MATT: The three illithid look over and notice Clarota, and there's a good 20 or 30 seconds of silence as they just look at each other. At which point, Clarota kind of turns around to the rest of the group and looks at them, looks at all of you and lowers his head a little bit as the mind flayers move in towards Clarota, one reaches over and pulls the cap from the back of his head, removes it, at which point Clarota raises up, and if you think you've ever seen an entity with tentacles for a mouth smile, the creases in his awful, rubbery, fleshy face almost give a look of joy, of rediscovered connection, and he looks out to the rest of you and bows a head for a second. I need Grog, Scanlan, Tiberius, Vax, and Pike to all make–

TRAVIS: Tiberius, if he fucks us.

SAM: I think he's about to.

MATT: Intelligence saving throws.

TRAVIS: Oh, I'm grappled! I'm raging, but. Fuck yes! Intelligence saving throws?

MATT: Intelligence saving throws.

TRAVIS: Thank god I rolled high.

ORION: Natural 20.

TRAVIS: (laughs) I get a negative two modifier, that's such bullshit.


MATT: Not very wise, there, Grog.


SAM: Is this a charm?

MATT: This would be– no, it would not be.

MARISHA: So wait, am I still an elemental? Is that the deal?

ORION: It's 23.

MATT: 23, 20. Scanlan?

SAM: 12.

MATT: 12. Pike?

LAURA: She needs better dice.

ASHLEY: I rolled a six.

MATT: Okay. Grog?

ASHLEY: Six total. (laughs)

TRAVIS: Oh. 17.

MATT: Okay! So. Currently, all the mind flayers at once, including Clarota, angrily lash out with a Mind Blast. You feel your brains all of a sudden fill with searing, horrible pain. Some of you manage to shrug it off, but the rest of you find your bodies locking in place. All right, everyone who failed their save, which would be– Keyleth, what'd you roll?

MARISHA: You didn't have me roll.

MATT: Oh, you need to roll as well, sorry, you're in the blast there. You're still an earth elemental.

MARISHA: I thought I was immune to this kind of stuff. (groans) What do I– not good.

MATT: Not good? All right, that'll be 22 points of psychic damage to Grog, to Pike.

TRAVIS: I passed, right?

MATT: No, you passed this. You're fine.

LAURA: Teleport us out of here!

ORION: It doesn't work like that. It's what I was trying to say earlier!

MATT: Scanlan, you are currently stunned, you are actually unable to physically move. Pike, as well. The rest of you manage to resist the Mind Blast, but at this point in time you can now see that this crew, including Clarota, now reconnected with its people, your purpose serving its end, you're about to be swarmed by the rest of the entire city.

TRAVIS: Son of a bitch, taint, fuck!

MATT: Let's roll initiative, guys.

MARISHA: We should've gotten out of here!

TRAVIS: I never trusted that Magneto motherfucker! Fuck.

MATT: All right, so. 25 to 20?

LAURA: 21.

MARISHA: 21, as well.

MATT: Nice. 20 to 15?

ORION: 19.



MATT: All right, 15 to ten?

LIAM: 14.

SAM: 13.

MATT: All right, Grog?

TRAVIS: Eight. Against mind flayers. We're fucking fighting brains and mind flayers again.

LAURA: We're all going to die.

MARISHA: Okay, wait, you guys run.

MATT: Vex, you're up first.

MARISHA: I can start bringing down the palace.

LAURA: I'm stuck at the top. Until we can run, we're stuck, because there's only one flying carpet.

TRAVIS: Tiberius has got something for us, right?

LAURA: I'm going to cast Hunter's Mark on the Elder Brain and shoot Hail of Thorns into the Elder Brain.

MATT: Okay.

ORION: Yes! I like that idea!

MARISHA: I'm going to start bringing down the temple! Are we okay with that?

TRAVIS: We're still in it.

ORION: Not while we're still in it.

MARISHA: Well, I mean it'll take some time, I'm sure.

TRAVIS: Or it could happen really quick.

MATT: As you guys do notice– you guys are beginning to see what looks like shadows seemingly coming out from the outside, and you hear what seems to be slight cackling of things sort of in the doorways. So you're shooting Hail of Thorns down into the Elder Brain? Go ahead and roll for the attack.

LAURA: 19?

MATT: 19 will hit, yes.

SAM: We're going to be dead in ten minutes.

MATT: What, the teleportation one?

ORION: We'll talk about it later. Plan B, it's ten minutes.

MATT: One minute.

ORION: Sure!

MATT: Pretty sure it's one minute

MARISHA: Wait, does this mean you can go and we'll distract?

ORION: No, don't look at it! You said one minute, that's the DM, DM is god.

LAURA: Do I roll regular damage, plus the Hail of Thorns?

MATT: I thought it was.

TRAVIS: If someone asks you if you're a god–

ALL: You say yes.

TRAVIS: You shouldn't look! You shouldn't waste your time.

MATT: Spellcasting time: one minute.

ORION: Oh, yes, I'm so glad I'm wrong.

LAURA: 39 on the first hit.

ORION: How many of us are down there?

ASHLEY: 39?! Yes!

MARISHA: All of us except for Laura and Trinket.

TALIESIN: And I'm on the carpet, so I can head that direction.

LAURA: And then 18 for the second.

MATT: Okay, so you release the first Hail of Thorns. The arrow shatters into a whole–

LAURA: And anything within five feet takes damage, as well.

MATT: That'll be all four of them. How much damage do they take?

LAURA: They take the same amount unless they make–

MATT: Unless they make a what? Do they have a saving throw against it?

LAURA: Oh wait. Yeah. They take half damage on a saving throw.

MATT: Okay. Against what? So two of them make it, two of them don't.

MARISHA: Look, look, I do double damage to objects and structures. That's the thing, I'm really good at tearing shit down.

ORION: Now, sometimes fighting isn't the right thing to do!

MARISHA: That's why I'm not talking about fighting, I'm talking about collapsing buildings!

MATT: All right, so Clarota and the one nearest to it get behind a pillar for a second and manage to reduce the damage a bit, but the other two are completely pierced all over their bodies where shattered pieces of these kind of jagged thorn arrows exploded all over them and the Elder Brain. The pulsing begins to– you hear this shrieking in your mind, like the actual presence of the Elder Brain is starting to yell out in pain. You feel it's hardy but hurting. I mean, it's very hefty, it's a large chunk of matter, so god knows how long it would take to take that one down, but it's definitely– (laughs) it hurt. It's not happy with that. Do you want to move at all or do you want to stay where you are?

LAURA: I want to do my second attack.

MATT: Yeah, that's right!

LAURA: Yeah. 15?

MATT: 15 does not hit, unfortunately. You actually fire down and it hits the stonework and the arrow splinters against it. Stay where you are?

LAURA: I don't know what else to do. I'm stuck up at the top.

MATT: Jump? What could possibly go wrong! Okay, that's the end of your turn. Keyleth, you're up.

SAM: Keyleth!

MARISHA: I think my best use– I agree we need to get out of here, but I'm going to–

MATT: You have shadows moving in from the two open doorways on each side right now.

MARISHA: What, so the Elder Brain– is this a wooden well, or a stone well? What is this?

MATT: Essentially it's a giant stone platform that houses the Elder Brain at the center.

MARISHA: Here's what I can do. I can start breaking the well, or I can start blocking entrances. I can start pulling down–

TRAVIS: That one, the second one.

TALIESIN: The second one.

MARISHA: The second one?

TRAVIS: The second one, close the doorway.

MARISHA: All right. Who's coming in from where?

MATT: This is one doorway. That's the other.

TRAVIS: I thought he said it was big.

MARISHA: All right, I am going to– I can make it there, right? That's 35 feet?

MATT: That– ooh, that's maybe not enough. Yeah no, that's longer than 35 feet.

LAURA: Just bull rush and tear down the well.

TRAVIS: Yeah, do it. Fuck it, do what you want to do.

MATT: What do you want to do?

MARISHA: All right, all right!

MATT: Just letting you know, just putting this into perspective, here: you're fighting four illithid in the room. You have a city swarming on you right now.

LAURA: We need to get out! Or take down the Elder Brain.

MARISHA: All right. I am taking down the doors.

MATT: Okay, what are you doing? Are you casting a spell?

MARISHA: No, I'm going to start– can I bull rush, not necessarily right next to the door but like right here, and I'm going to elemental-slam into the wall and siege monster this.

MATT: What's the movement speed of the earth elemental?

MARISHA: 35 feet.

MATT: 35 feet? As it's still able to move through stone as well?

MARISHA: Yeah! Well, actually, no. When I move through stone I think I can move 60 feet!

MATT: Okay, it is a thick floor. You actually shift into the stonework of the flooring itself and coast through, popping up right out there. That'll get you right at the doorway. You can see there is a slow spiraling incline, like a small– like an inclined pathway that you can see four illithid making their way up right now, with some large looming stomping sounds coming up behind them.

MARISHA: Perfect! So I materialize, using my girth to take up the door, and then I just go (deep voice) boom! And start bringing it down.

MATT: Okay. Go ahead and make your slam attack or attacks, depending on how many–

MARISHA: Slam, I guess.

MATT: Yeah.

LAURA: Get it, Keyleth.



MATT: 26, okay go ahead and roll damage on that. Since you are an earth elemental, you do extra siege damage against structures, don't you?

MARISHA: Correct. Double damage. So (laughs) okay. So does full damage, plus five, so that's 21– 42 points of damage.


MATT: 42 points of damage. So the stone structure, which is pretty rigid and this is an old, old structure; the strange, weird, non-Euclidean design of it has a slight warbling feel to it. You take both of your earth elemental fists and slam them into the side. As you do, the structure gives way and a good 30 feet or so crumbles down around you. You can feel the stones raining onto you. Because of your proximity, you take four points of impact damage.

MARISHA: I like it! It feels good! This is what I bathe in!

MATT: This entire doorway is ruined, and there's a good 15-foot pile of stonework now blocking that entranceway.

MARISHA: 15-foot pile?

MATT: Yeah. But there's a hole above it, where the stone fell through. So there is about 50 feet up a section of the wall that is collapsed down.

MARISHA: Whatever, it'll make it harder. Right, that's my turn.

MATT: Okay, do recall that mind flayers do levitate.

TRAVIS: Aw. (groans) God! Maybe not now, they don't?

MATT: All right, Tiberius, you're up.

ORION: Yeah, okay–

MATT: You can also see forms swarming through the other doorway over there.

LAURA: Teleport us!

ORION: This isn't good.

LAURA: Fly us! Get us out.

ORION: How far? Scanlan's only like a foot away from me, right?

MATT: Yeah.

ORION: I'm right next to him!

MATT: Yep.


TRAVIS: Beam us out, Scotty.

ORION: Shit. Okay. I cast Fly on myself.

SAM: (laughs) Bye, Tiberius!


ORION: I redact that, actually. Is it possible– I'm at least standing next to him, right?

MATT: You are.

ORION: I don't have to use a move action right now. I can, like, look at him.

SAM: I leap!

ORION: Okay, can I give him– can I take off my Ioun Stone as an action, and swap his crown?

MATT: No, I'm pretty sure– if the item says “attunement” on it, you have to spend a short rest attuning yourself with the weapon. If either of them does.

ORION: But he didn't. He hasn't attuned himself to the thing yet.

SAM: To what?

MATT: Right, but your Ioun stone– you mean take it from him?

ORION: Yeah!

MATT: You would have to attune it to yourself in order to use it.

ORION: How long does it take?

MATT: It takes a short rest.

ORION: Shit! Okay, that changes everything in a very bad way.

MATT: What are you doing? The other doorway isn't blocked, you have mind flayers running in, you have probably more and more swarming from underneath the temple, probably over at some point, from what you've seen of the temple structure.

ORION: Okay, so I'm going to attempt to crush the Horn. With a thousand pounds of pressure.

MATT: Okay.

ORION: Because my Telekinesis is still going.

MATT: That's true.

ORION: I can't do anything else without dropping this thing because as soon as I do anything else, I drop the horn. So I have to do that first.

MATT: Okay, so you use your action, go ahead and roll for that, for the crushing of Telekinesis.

TRAVIS: Oh god.

ORION: What am I adding?

MATT: You're adding your modifier, which I think is five.

ORION: Oh, 23.

MATT: As you focus intensely, you feel that the Horn itself– the sheer force of the artifact is far too powerful for your meager magic to have any sort of effect on its physical structure.

ORION: I thought so.

MATT: As you focus your arcane intent on crushing it, you feel almost like the back of your brain begins to crawl with cold energy, and if you could hear– if you could hear laughter come from something that is inanimate, you're hearing it coming from the Horn right now.

TRAVIS: Fuck that horn.

MATT: That's your action.

ORION: I'm going to–

LAURA: Float it into the Bag of Holding!

ORION: I'm going to maneuver around the chaos because I'm not within range of anybody to hurt me, right?

MATT: Not currently, no.

ORION: So I'm going to hop on the carpet.

LIAM: This is all taking six seconds, by the way.

MATT: 30, that's as far as you can get.

ORION: Well, I can run.

MATT: You already used your action to Telekinesis.

ORION: Oh. That's stupid.

MATT: That's how it works.

ORION: “Hey, Percy!” (laughs) That's my turn, that's all I can do. And I still maintain the thing.

MATT: Okay. That brings us– end of Tiberius's turn, to Percy.

TALIESIN: I'm going to start flying straight up, and while I'm flying straight up, I'm going to take… two shots with the Pepperbox at the big brain.

MATT: Okay. Go ahead and roll twice.

TALIESIN: I'm going to use Sharpshooter. That's a 21? That's 21.

MATT: 21 does hit.

TALIESIN: And should I do both hits?

MATT: Yeah, roll both.

TALIESIN: Oh, and– no, that's right, I don't critical at 19?


TALIESIN: No, I need a specialty. Damn it! And that hits, so both hit, and they're both with Sharpshooter, so that's nice. (sings) I haven't pulled my dice out yet. There we go.

LIAM: Come on, gunslinger!

TALIESIN: Oh, that's nice! 25 points of damage.

MATT: All righty.

TALIESIN: And 17 points of damage.

MATT: All right, gotcha.

TALIESIN: Oh, sorry. I forgot, sorry, four points of fire damage.

MATT: Okay, good. All right, so as you (gunshot) turn over the barrel of your weapon, fire again, the second one bursting into flame as it hits the top of the Elder Brain, you can see both bullets sink into the flesh. There's no impact; they just seem to be absorbed in by it. The flame one, you see a jet of flame go from the inside and the flesh of the actual large Elder Brain quivers for a moment. You hear another shrieking, angry pain growl in your minds just by the proximity of this entity. You don't see it doing too much to it, but it's definitely hurting it. That ends your turn?

MARISHA: Things can hurt really bad and not do that much damage.

MATT: Clarota spins and comes up behind you–

LAURA: Don't be a dick.

TRAVIS: Remember our days watching Saved by the Bell together?

MATT: You are stunned currently, so it gets advantage on that. So that's 24. All right, so Clarota's tentacles wrap around your head–


TRAVIS: Whose?

MATT: You immediately take 15 points of psychic damage and you are currently grappled.

SAM: And stunned.

MATT: Yes.

SAM: (sings) Grappled and stunned, so grappled and stunned!

MATT: All right, that comes to Pike! Pike, you're stunned currently, mind still reeling from the pain; go ahead and make an intelligence saving throw.

ASHLEY: Ugh, okay.

TRAVIS: We're just trying to stay alive.

ASHLEY: I just rolled a one.

MATT: Your physical form is still unable to pull yourself out of that continuous psychic pain, you're like (groans) trying to just tear your mind out of it, unable to do so. Vax, you're up.

LIAM: Okay, I click my Boots of Haste and I'm going to– where's the thingie, do we have a thingie here?

ASHLEY: What do you need?

LIAM: The light.


LIAM: All right, great. How's this work? Like that. If I can run right between Pike and this little brain jerk right here, does that get me within five feet of Elder Brain if I'm there? I can't tell from the structure.

MATT: You can rush there, you would have to get up onto here.

LIAM: Yeah, that's what I want to do, and then, I don't know. That's not my full double-movement, I don't know how that affects the number of attacks I have Hasted, but I just want to stab it as many times as I can, standing on top of this thing.

MATT: All right, got it.

LIAM: Where's the meteorite die?

ORION: Fuck you, couch!

LIAM: Using my poison dagger.

TRAVIS: Prison shank that thing.

LIAM: Yeah, yeah, I'm going to shiv him in his shank or shank him in his shiv, whichever is the more accurate phrase.

MATT: All right, go ahead and roll for attack twice.

TRAVIS: Can you scream out “lobotomy” while you do it?

MATT: As a note, as you rush by, for an attack of opportunity, the intellect devourer does reach out and strike at you with its claws.

LIAM: Okay.

MATT: Rolls a one. You just kick it off to the side, it rolls on its side, its brain matter (clunks) on the ground.

LIAM: Do I get two or three attacks?

MATT: You get three if you use your bonus to attack.

LIAM: First one misses. Second one is– oh wait, the first was a 17, is that–

LAURA: That doesn't miss.

LIAM: Hit or miss, it's a brain, right, I'm standing–

MATT: Total 17? That would still– it doesn't miss, but as you strike down for it, there's a psychic field that's defending it, and your blade is held at bay by the protective sphere.

LIAM: Okay, then I'm using now dagger of venom is 26.

MATT: Okay, that does hit.

LIAM: Okay, so that's four plus six is ten, because this isn't Sneak Attack or anything.


LIAM: That's ten plus a poison for a DC of 15?

MATT: Okay. It makes its saving throw. Rolled a 17.

LIAM: So that was that, and then the third attack I'll go back to the keen dagger. 14.

MATT: 14. The second one strikes through, the poison tries to pulse through but once again it resists the impact; the third dagger comes down and before it even gets halfway towards, there's a blast of psychic energy from the inside of the containment unit that holds the Elder Brain that (boof) forces your hand back, the attack deflected entirely. That ends your turn. The other three illithids now go.

ASHLEY: I wish we had inspiration.

ORION: Isn't there a rope still hanging from there? Throw the damn rope!

LAURA: You can climb it.

LIAM: Yeah, I can probably get up 15 feet and hang there.

TRAVIS: Yeah, I'm getting a massage right now.

MATT: This one's also going to turn around, reach forward, and its tentacles are going to attempt to wrap around Pike's head–

TRAVIS: Don't you touch my friend.

MATT: That's going to be a 20?

TRAVIS: A natural 20?

MATT: No, it's just 20. So Pike, you go ahead and take– this'll be 15 points of psychic damage.

LIAM: It was a good run, folks.

MARISHA: What happened?

LAURA: He rolled a 20.

ASHLEY: So he rolled a 20.

MATT: I rolled a total of 20. And you're stunned currently, so you take 15 points of psychic damage as you feel– as you're trying to resist yourself, these cold tentacles wrap across the front of your field of vision, and you can feel this weird, toothy, pointy, biting sensation beginning to push towards the back of your skull. This one–

ASHLEY: That's it, that's all she wrote.

MATT: This one here is going to–

LAURA: He's going to try to eat her brain!

MATT: Tiberius, that is a 15 versus AC.

ORION: Nope!

MATT: What's your AC?

ORION: 17, man!

MATT: 17, as you're rushing toward the magic carpet that just took off, yeah, you look over and the tentacles swing toward you, you duck just underneath and manage to avoid the attack. Now the two intellect devourers. One's going to go ahead and look up towards the magic carpet that's taking off and– here we go. Oh, within ten feet? No, you're too far away. So instead it's going to go for you on top of the Elder Brain. I want you to go ahead and make an intelligence saving throw, Vax.

LIAM: 20, natural 20.

MATT: Natural 20!

SAM: Needed that.

LAURA: That's not to Matt, that's to the little brains.

LIAM: The brains, the brains.

MARISHA: Fuck you, little brains.

MATT: So you feel a similar blast of screaming energy, like you feel from the illithids, but it's more primal and more guttural. You manage to shrug it off in your mind and angrily look down at this weird, fleshy creature. The other one moves up and attempts to blast you again from the opposite side. Make another intelligence saving throw.

LIAM: 19.

MATT: 19! Once again you feel from the back of your brain this like stunning impact and you shrug it off looking over this way.

LIAM: (jeering) I'm smart!


MATT: All right, that brings us to Scanlan.

SAM: I'm grappled and stunned.

MATT: Yeah, so go ahead and make your saving throw.

TRAVIS: Come on, buddy.


ORION: Boom!

MATT: You shrug off the stunned effect, you're currently grappled by the entity.

LAURA, ASHLEY, and MARISHA: You're so smart!

TRAVIS: Cardiac kid, come on now, here we go. Table's getting hot.

LIAM: Aren't you inspired?

MATT: And then also make an intelligence saving throw.

SAM: Oh, Jesus. Because he's also got the things on me.

LIAM: Just say 20.

SAM: Seven. (laughs) Plus two.

LIAM: Big nine.

MATT: Okay.

LIAM: I said big nine.

ASHLEY: He rolled a 20, so that's gotta mean something.

TALIESIN: I think a nine is a big six.

MARISHA: The 20 carries over one, right?


TRAVIS: Residual?

MARISHA: You take the one and you carry it over.

TRAVIS: Natural 20 residual.

LIAM: I personally can't wait until we roll new characters next show.


MARISHA: Shut up!

MATT: Unfortunately, you're still stunned.

SAM: Still stunned? Oh, so I got off–

MATT: You resisted the mind effect, but the tentacles on your head are now locking your brain in place, and your eyes are kind of rolling back in your head as you feel the illithid's mouth begin to push against the outside of your head. Grog?

TRAVIS: I've got to break my grapple, right?

MATT: Yeah. Just go ahead and roll an athletics check.


MATT: A natural one?

SAM: This guy.

MATT: A natural one; it rolled a four!

ORION: Plus your strength! Oh, it doesn't matter.

TALIESIN: It doesn't matter.

MATT: Okay. So it's still holding you in place; you have your axe you picked up off the ground with your chain of returning; you can't physically move from your position as it's holding you there.

TRAVIS: The axe is across the room, remember?

MATT: Well, no, you threw it over here and retrieved it at the end of the battle.

TRAVIS: Well that's a good, that's a good plus.

ASHLEY: (frustrated noise)

MARISHA: The fuck!

MATT: So what do you want to do?

LAURA: You could attack with your chain.

TRAVIS: I can attack with the chain?

MATT: You have your axe with your chain of returning, you just can't move, but you can still throw if you want to.

ORION: Oh, awesome.

MARISHA: Can you chop the dude's arms off?

TRAVIS: I have no– it's holding me, I don't think I can be like–

ASHLEY: Maybe the guy that has him, his tentacles or whatever?

TRAVIS: I was going to try and save you.

ASHLEY: Well. That's far.

TRAVIS: Can I reach the illithid– it's far?

MATT: Well, you can throw to either of them right now. They're both bent over gnome heads, they're bigger–

TRAVIS: Where's Scanlan?

ASHLEY: Why the gnomes?

MATT: He's here, and that's Pike.

ASHLEY: Why the gnome hate?

MARISHA: It's rare. It's a rare delicacy.

MATT: You guys were right there.

TRAVIS: All right, I can't– I'm going to try and throw it at the illithid that's on Scanlan.

MATT: Okay, go ahead and roll for an attack.

ASHLEY: Tasty gnome.

LIAM: All the fans who implied that Matt went light on us the last game–


MATT: 22, definitely hits, go ahead and roll damage.

TRAVIS: Okay, it's just one, two, three. Shit balls. 14.

MATT: 14 points of damage, all right. That one, you throw the axe, it slams into the shoulder of the illithid that's grabbing on to him. You see it look up at you angrily and a large portion of its chest is now gashed open and blood is pouring from the wound, but it's still holding tight right now. I think that's going to end your turn.

TRAVIS: No, I'm done.

MATT: Do you want to pull your axe back?

TRAVIS: Yes, I would like to.

MATT: Go ahead and you (grunts). Go ahead and make your check.

TRAVIS: What do I, what the fuck do I roll, to the thing. What do I roll? A 12?

MATT: Yeah. A 20, you have to roll a d20, that was a d12.

TRAVIS: Okay, good.



MATT: So you pull on the chain of returning and it yanks the axes out of the wound and you catch it in midair, preparing for the next round.

TRAVIS: (laughs) The 12 was a one.


MATT: All right, first round of combat over. Let's roll better, guys. This is looking really dire. Vex, you're up.

ASHLEY: Get it.

SAM: Save everyone.

MATT: You're up at the top, you have a clear view of everyone.

MARISHA: That's true, you're the only one with a bird's-eye view.

SAM: Just run. Save yourself.

MATT: As it is, these two illithids look kind of hurt, these two look really rough, this one looks really rough, both of these guys haven't been damaged yet but they have low hit points.

SAM: Save yourself, start a new race of people.

LAURA: I am going to attack–

SAM: Hunter's Mark!

LAURA: I'm going to put Hunter's Mark on– oh, my brother just died.

LIAM: I fainted.

LAURA: On the one attacking Scanlan.

TALIESIN: Not on Scanlan, on the one attacking Scanlan.

MATT: Oh right, sorry.


TRAVIS: What did he do?

MATT: In the confusion–

SAM: (shrieking) Help!

ORION: Friendly fire!

ASHLEY: That was amazing.

LAURA: 14?

MATT: 14 unfortunately does–

ASHLEY: Plus! Plus War God's Blessing?

MATT: You're stunned.

ASHLEY: But can't I just do it just because?

MATT: No, unfortunately.

MARISHA: Once, just this once, please?

MATT: Unfortunately, no.

LAURA: But he's bent over and I've got a bird's-eye view of him.

MATT: You know what? He is grappling and he is right in the way, I'll go ahead and give you advantage on that attack. Roll again.

LAURA: Yes! So I just roll again?

MATT: Roll again. Take whatever it is.

LAURA: 22!

MATT: 22 will hit, okay. Because it is a stationary position, completely engulfing, and you have such a great view from above.

LAURA: Right? 11 points of damage?

MATT: Okay. Did you roll your Hunter's Mark damage?

LAURA: No, I did not.

MATT: Don't forget Hunter's Mark.

LAURA: I won't, though. Three extra. That's for Hunter's Mark.

ASHLEY: 14 total?

MATT: Okay, gotcha. That's your first strike.

LAURA: Okay. On my second one, should I just try to attack him again, kill him? All right, I'm going to kill him, try to hit him again. 18?

MATT: 18. Okay! So both strikes (whoosh). Go ahead and roll for damage.

LAURA: 16 plus– 19.

MATT: 19, okay. Both arrows (zoomf, zoomf), one embeds itself in the wound that Grog had left with the axe and you see the body tenses. Clarota stares up at you with this beaming angry look on his face; you realize, oh shit, Clarota's the one that's going after Scanlan. Your second arrow you bring down and release and it pierces the side of its face, gashing through and embedding itself in the chest. You can see now Clarota's looking really rough, but he's still holding taut. This horrible thought goes into your mind suddenly, a familiar voice saying, “You've all done your work. Now it's time to feast!”

SAM: (gasps) He turned on us!

LAURA: I knew he was going to do that!

SAM: What? None of us knew that!

LAURA: I totally knew he was going to do that.

MATT: All right, that ends your turn; Keyleth, you're up.

TRAVIS: I don't trust Clarota. I don't trust Clarota. I don't trust Clarota.


ASHLEY: Every week.

TRAVIS: Every week!

SAM: You know who would help us right now?

LAURA: Kima would help us, but she's stone.

SAM: Can we make her not stone?

ASHLEY: We can make her not stone, except we didn't get a chance to.

LIAM: If we live, we're in store for so much I-told-you-so.


LIAM: It's a big if.

SAM: Maybe we should leave her. I don't want to deal with that.

TRAVIS: Who's up?

MARISHA: I can make, I'm going to– aw, crap. I'm going to phase down, and I'm going to pop up, and I'm going to break the well that's holding the Elder Brain.

ASHLEY: Get it!

MATT: Okay, so you're going to pop up here? Over here?

LIAM: No, not there!

MATT: Right there?

MARISHA: Not where I might hurt Vax.

SAM: Well, that's anywhere.

LAURA: Just do the other side!

MARISHA: You might have to do, like, a flippy-poo off it.

MATT: So what are you doing on the well, you're just grabbing it?

MARISHA: Can I? Can I flip?

MATT: No, it's embedded in the ground. What are you doing?

MARISHA: Oh, okay, so I want to take and I want to just punch to crack a big side of it to help spill out the brains.

MATT: Okay, go ahead and make a slam attack on the side

MARISHA: Bust the side of it open.

ASHLEY: And then we'll stomp on him and make brain juice.

MARISHA: I mean, it's an item, it's a stationary rock, so what do I add? Oh wait, I add– so plus– sorry, I'm not used to this. Plus eight, 16?

MATT: 16? You slam into the side of this; you're not attacking the brain, you're attacking the stonework. You can feel there is some psychic resistance, but because you're not attacking the brain directly, your fist slams into it, making purchase in the stone. Go ahead and roll damage against the stone.

TRAVIS: Come on!

MATT: Double damage on this.

ASHLEY: Big damage!

MARISHA: 20 damage.


MATT: 20 damage. The side of the stonework crumples inward. Pieces of the stonework itself seem to be jutting in toward the Elder Brain, but it's stopped by some sort of psychic resistance, but the whole side here to here is now just open entirely, and you can see now the hole, the mass of– there's probably hundreds of various illithid brains that have slowly congealed into one large brain structure as now you can see the underneath area. The liquid it kind of sits in is now pouring out, down the side of the structure.

MARISHA: Hope they have flood insurance.

(groans and laughter)

TRAVIS: That was the worst Schwarzenegger action line ever. (Terminator voice) Hope they have flood insurance, ja.

MARISHA: The Geico slayer!

TRAVIS: Holy shit. That was amazing.

MARISHA: Flo just got real, all right? Flo just got real.

TALIESIN: That's no better, actually.

MARISHA: From Progressive Flo? All the flow of the– you know what, never mind.

MATT: So you only have the one slam attack? Earth elemental doesn't multi-attack?

MARISHA: Yes, just the one. My slam attack is–

MATT: Right. Cool.

MARISHA: Oh no, wait! I have multi– earth elemental makes two slam attacks!

MATT: That's good to know. Go ahead and make another one.

MARISHA: I could have done that last time?

MATT: Are you attacking the stonework still?

MARISHA: Yeah, I'm just going to take the other chunk and punch it.

MATT: Okay. So we'll say you used some of your movement to move this way. By the way, guys, you can break up your movement. You can move, attack, then move if you want to.

MARISHA: You can?

MATT: Yeah!

TRAVIS: Unless Tickle-me-Elmo is holding you by the cage.

MARISHA: It's cocked. 16 plus eight, so 22.

MATT: That'll definitely do it; go ahead. Is that total damage? Oh, that's the attack. Okay, go ahead and roll damage.

MARISHA: Ugh, four plus– 18 damage.

MATT: 18's fine. So you break out the second half and now the entire side of it is open. All the fluid just spilled out the side and you get the sensation this is very frowned upon.


MATT: That ends your turn. Tiberius, you're up!

TRAVIS: A tentacle frown.

ORION: So I rush up, and Percy takes off?

MATT: As a note too, just so you guys are aware–

TALIESIN: I didn't know you were coming to the carpet, sorry.

LAURA: Oh no, we never closed the other door!

MATT: You start seeing a series of other entities slowly making their way up from the downstairs tunnel area.

SAM: I think we can beat them all.

ORION: Seeing what's going on– there's an illithid right behind me, right?

MATT: There is. Right behind you, yeah.

TRAVIS: I thought she closed the door.

LAURA: No, we didn't.

MATT: Yeah, the other door is open.

MARISHA: I closed the one, but then he said that they could levitate so I decided it wasn't worth it.

SAM: Hey, man. Grog's being held prisoner by an 80-pound dude.

ORION: So I'm running off and then Percy takes off? So I can't get to him?

MATT: Yeah, he's (whoosh), you can't get to him.

ORION: Awesome.

TRAVIS: I'm so ashamed right now.

ORION: I need a technical question. Can I move the Horn and let go of the spell so I can then do my turn? Or does that take a thing to do that? Like, I want to let it go–


ORION: Good. So as I'm running up to the carpet, I see Percy go and I'm like, “(growls) Damn Tiamat-lover!” So I bring over the Horn and right at the tip, on the carpet, I let it go. “You deal with it then!”

MATT: Percy?

(loud clatter)

LAURA: Oh no, K'Varn!

MATT: That's what you get!

ORION: I don't give it to Percy, I let it land on the carpet.

MATT: I know. I'm saying it's on his carpet right now, staring at him from the side.

ASHLEY: Put it on, Percy!

ORION: I see the– oh god. Okay, I can only do this once. I see the– they're not inside yet, right?

MATT: No. They're just starting to get to the doorway. You can see them right there.

ORION: Awesome. Okay, that is a– and this is a– Okay.

MATT: What you got, Tiberius?


TRAVIS: (Tiberius voice) Poppycock, poppycock.

ORION: Right. I have– I blow everything. I'm going to blow everything.

TRAVIS: Yes! Blow everybody.


MATT: How diplomatic of you!

SAM: I'm stunned!

ORION: You cannot resist!

MATT: So, Tiberius.

ORION: As I leave the Horn there, I turn to where the door is. Obelisk of Stone. I seal up the entryway.

MATT: How many with that, what level are you using it?

ORION: Well, how wide is it? Like 15 feet?

MATT: It's a little over five feet wide.

ORION: Great. I only need one, right?

MATT: Technically, yeah.

ORION: Okay. So I seal that one– I'm going to use all three right now.

MARISHA: Seal the other one, too. I only partially sealed it.

ORION: I'll seal the other one.

MATT: Okay.

ORION: And I'll use the other one on myself.

MATT: Okay!

ORION: And I'm going to use– I only have three left. Yeah, okay. And I'm going to use my last three sorcerer points that I have, and I have zero points after this, and I'm going to cast Blur on myself. And that's my turn.

MATT: All righty. You now start hearing (boof, boof) slamming sounds from the other side of the stone walls. Both sides of the walls are now sealed off with pillars, and a large pile of rubble on that side. All right, Percy, you're up.

TALIESIN: All right, before I go anywhere, I'm taking a shot at Clarota.

MATT: Okay.

MARISHA: Betraying bastard.

TALIESIN: With Sharpshooter, that's 13, 14, 15, 16, 17. 19 points?

MATT: That hits.

TALIESIN: That hits, and let's do my damage. That's 22 points of damage.

MATT: Okay. So, Scanlan, as you're stunned, you feel the tentacles swirling around the back of your head. Teeth are grinding into the back of your skull, and you feel this horrible pain as all of a sudden, Clarota's mouth is beginning to find a way towards your skull.


MATT: And then the tentacles suddenly go limp as the back of Clarota's head (gunshot) becomes a mess.


LAURA: I can't believe we killed Clarota!

TALIESIN: Some people have no sense of fucking honor!


MARISHA: Traitor!

TRAVIS: Oh, Percy!

MATT: In a split second, your longtime ally, now turncoat, is scattered across the stone floor. You're released, you're no longer stunned.

SAM: (gasps) Hi, guys!

TALIESIN: I still have another shot.

MATT: You do.

MARISHA: There's someone on Pike, right?

MATT: There's still one on Pike right now, yeah, right here.

TALIESIN: I'm taking a shot there.

TRAVIS: Come on, Perce!

ASHLEY: Perce!

MARISHA: Pew pew!

TALIESIN: Oh yeah! So that's 17– 17, 18, 19–

MATT: That hits.

TALIESIN: Okay, that just hits, all right. I'm trying to use Sharpshooter, so it changes everything. And that's 18 points of damage.

MATT: Okay.

TALIESIN: And did we get a short rest before this fight happened?

SAM and LAURA: No.

TALIESIN: Fuck, never mind.

MATT: No you did not.

MARISHA: That's why we're all burnt out on spells.

TALIESIN: That's why we're all burnt out on shit, okay.

ORION: Except me.

MATT: Yeah, the other one–

TALIESIN: I'm going to go up further.

MATT: Even further? Okay.

LAURA: “Because I didn't help you guys!” Thanks, Tiberius!

ASHLEY: “I abandoned my troop!”

ORION: It's going to come in handy now!

TALIESIN: Am I high enough yet for her to jump down onto the–

MATT: Yeah, you could probably pull it off.

TALIESIN: So, if you and your bear want to jump on?

MATT: It'd be an acrobatics roll, but yeah.

SAM: Wait, why would you– you've got to come save us!

LAURA: Yeah, no, go down and save them, honestly, because I'm staying up top for right now, unless we can teleport out.

TALIESIN: Oh, in that case, instead of going up I'm going to go fly to the right, then.

ORION: Pick up Vax!


ORION: I said Vax.


MARISHA: Vax? Pick up Vax?


TALIESIN: Yeah, so I'm going to fly down towards Vax, as well.

MATT: Okay. So you're going down to here instead?


MATT: Okay, you can get about– we'll say, if you're just going–

TALIESIN: Yeah, go there.

MATT: All right.


ASHLEY, TALIESIN, and MARISHA: Hey you guys!

MATT: Okay. That ends your turn. That brings it–

ASHLEY: Did anything happen to the guy that had me–

MATT: He just took damage, but he's not done yet.

ASHLEY: He just took damage, he's still (slurps).

MATT: So, Pike, it's your turn.

ASHLEY: It's my turn.

MATT: Go ahead and roll to get rid of the Mind Blast stun.

ASHLEY: Come on.

SAM: Come on, Pikey.

ASHLEY: Fuck. It's seven.

MATT: Seven? Nope. You're still locked in place.

TALIESIN: Can you heal yourself?

MATT: She cannot move. Her entire brain is locked in with a searing clenching pain, psychic energy is just clutching her brain and holding it hostage.

SAM: Still beautiful, though.


MATT: You feel, once again, the teeth beginning to pierce the back of the flesh. You feel the teeth of the mind flayer beginning to scrape against the skull, the actual bone it's found in the back. Vax, you're up.

LIAM: What did Clarota do with his hat?

MATT: Oh, it's somewhere on the ground over here.

LIAM: Over behind–

MATT: Over behind this.

LIAM: Okay, I'm still Hasted, I'm going to run down the center over Clar– I'm going to step on Clarota's– I don't know if he has nuts, but whatever's there, I'm going to step there, run around Scanlan, and place his fucking hat on my head.

MATT: Okay.

LIAM: And then run up behind that third mind flayer, who I don't think has taken a hit yet, and just start stabbing him in the back.

MATT: Right here?

LAURA: No, on Pike!

LIAM: I can't get back there.

LAURA: You can't?

LIAM: I don't think so.

LAURA: Would he be able to make it?

LIAM: Well it's up to– oh dear.

MATT: You can't, with the speed you're running there, because your Hasted speed is doubled, so it's 60 feet.

LIAM: I'm Hasted, I can run 12 spaces, so if you think that I could have run around the mind flayer, put on the party hat–

MATT: One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten, 11, 12. You can move right there.

LIAM: Okay, great. So I'm going to start stabbing him in the back, angrily.

MATT: All right.

LIAM: Okay, yeah, so, first one is a 15?

MATT: Unfortunately– no, that does just hit.

LIAM: That's a Sneak Attack, because she's next to him. There's nothing in the rule book about stunned, or unconscious, or anything.

MATT: How Sneak Attack works is if they're next to someone that's aggressive toward them; they feel like they have people on two fronts, which is why you get the benefit.

TALIESIN: He is, to be fair, very occupied.

MATT: I will say, circumstantially though, because he is currently grappled on to Pike, and is in the process of trying to grind into her brain with his mouth, he is a little preoccupied at the moment.

TRAVIS: He's sucking head.

MATT: So I'm going to go ahead and make a perception roll versus your fast movement. Go ahead and make a stealth– roll stealth to see whether or not he takes notice and changes his position in defense.

LIAM: I rolled a 24.

MATT: Okay. Go ahead. The first attack you rolled was a 15, that hits!

LIAM: Okay, thank you.

MATT: And that is a Sneak Attack, he did not see you coming that quickly.

LIAM: All right, so that is four, plus seven is 11, plus– okay, that's 17, 21, thank you. 26, 30, 33. 33 with keen dagger.

MATT: 33 with the keen dagger?

LIAM: And I'm sticking that in the back of his neck.

MATT: Okay. That was your first attack?

LIAM: That's the first attack.

MATT: Okay, so the first dagger (shnk) sinks into the back of the neck. You just manage to miss all the seriously vital stuff, but you carve a giant section out of the side of its head. The rest of its leathery black outfit's now slick with its own blood. You see it angrily growls, almost this weird guttural, this (gurgling growl) sound as it still remains taut and clenched on Pike, its eyes glaring at you, basically telling you, “Look what I'm about to do to your friend.”

LIAM: Okay, so good thing I have more knives. So I take the other one, flip it in my hand and then stick it into the neck afterwards. That's a 24.

MATT: That hits.

LIAM: Yeah, it does. That's eight. Fire damage, I don't know if he takes any fire damage, and I'm going to then stick him with my poison dagger, which isn't going to poison him. But that is a 26 which hits as well.

MATT: That does hit.

LIAM: And that is eight.

MATT: Eight points of damage. So the first one you stab in the side of the head, you pull back and toss it in the air, catch the second one. As it bursts into flames you place the searing dagger down into the center of its back between its shoulder blades. Its back tenses, and as it does it reaches back and tries to grab for the dagger as you pull back the third one. As it looks back at you it brings up one arm to stop you as it goes in to directly go after Pike's head. The third dagger you then stab it right in the front of the skull. Its eyes roll back in its head and its tentacles limply drag off.


LIAM: As a bonus action, I would like to Goodfellas-kick him about eight times in the ribs.



MATT: I'll allow it. Oh my god. Because that guy was next! If we didn't kill him this turn, she would've taken 55 points of damage.

TRAVIS: 50– Let's not even say the number.

ASHLEY: You saved my life.

MATT: Yeah. And if it takes you to zero hit points, they extract the brain and eat it.

LAURA: Now we've got to squish those little brains.

LIAM: There's still a mind flayer.

TRAVIS: We're coming real close.

MATT: Let's see if they get their Mind Blast back. Nope. Nope.

LIAM: This show is not good for my blood pressure.

MARISHA: I know! It's like constant fight or flight.

TRAVIS: I think I'm going blind in my left eye.

MARISHA: This should fix your sleep schedule though, right?

TRAVIS: Yeah, totally.

MATT: Seeing both of them get immediately slaughtered, both of these illithids just Plane Shift. A defensive standpoint, self-preservation is kicking in. However, intellect devourers do not have self-preservation. They're there for a specific reason. So this one here is going to move over to this side and is going to attempt to make a Devour Intellect attack against Keyleth. Keyleth, go ahead and make an intelligence saving throw.

MARISHA: I'm an elemental, so.

MATT: You keep your intelligence score as you.

MARISHA: Oh, I do?

MATT: The physical attributes you get from the elemental form. You keep your intellect, wisdom, and charisma.

MARISHA: Okay, then 18.

MATT: 18, Okay. You resist the blast of mental impact from the intellect devourer, now on the ground with its four feral legs, its brain form rippling. The second one is going to turn over here and saw the two shots, the one that took out Clarota. It turns up towards Percy, as you've lowered on the magic carpet, Percy. Go ahead and make an intellect saving throw.


MATT: Eight? All righty.

SAM: Oh boy. That ain't no good.

MATT: You take 11 points of psychic damage.

TALIESIN: There's an “and” there, isn't there?

SAM: And it's undone immediately.


MATT: And you take eight points of intellect damage.

LAURA: Oh, this is what happened to Grog!

TRAVIS: You're better off than six, right?

TALIESIN: Eight points of intellect damage. What does that mean, precisely?

LIAM: Minus from your intelligence.

SAM: You would know if you had more intellect.

LAURA: Forever?

MATT: No, no, no, no. For this, it basically– what's your intelligence?


MATT: 16? Yeah, the blast hits you and you just shrug off the impact. It has to exceed your intelligence.

TALIESIN: So do I still take eight more points of damage, though?

MATT: No, no no. You just the additional–

TALIESIN: I just, I'm just going to go duh-duh.


MATT: Yeah, the intellect damage is not permanent.

TALIESIN: I like purple.

MATT: Not quite that bad.

TRAVIS: I can't not do it.

MATT: All right. That ends their turn. That brings us to Scanlan. You're no longer stunned. You now have full capacity of yourself and you're looking around, oh shit.

SAM: Do we get out of here or do we try to kill these things?

TRAVIS: Can you get us out of here?

SAM: I can get some of us out of here.

MARISHA: Start getting us out.

SAM: Are we getting out or are we fighting?

TRAVIS: Getting us out.

MARISHA: Because we still have these fuckers we have to–

ASHLEY: Because Tiberius can get some of us out, right?

LIAM: It's just the brains. Just the little brains.

SAM: It's just the little brains. For now.

MATT: Make a perception check, by the way.

MARISHA: For now, but people can beat through those doors. That's not a permanent thing.

TALIESIN: We need 60 seconds to get out of here is what we need. We need 60 uninterrupted seconds.

MARISHA: Well, we can start gathering our shit and packing up.

TALIESIN: Oh, yeah.

MARISHA: We can start packing up.

SAM: Am I leaving or am I staying?

TRAVIS: You do what you want.

LIAM: Do what you want. It's chaos.

SAM: (sighs) All right. Then I'll attack.

MATT: Swarming thing that drift up the sides of the temple from the floor. Coming from inside the temple and out toward the top.

LAURA: We should probably get out of here! They're coming up the sides!

ASHLEY: We can't get you out of here if you don't come–

SAM: I run up to Pike. I grab her hand. I say, “I want to have babies with you.”


SAM: Let's get out of here. (sings) So now I come to you with Dimension Door.

ASHLEY: Wait! Can I do a Mass Cure Wounds before we leave?


SAM: And we get out.

MATT: You're still stunned from the Mind Blast. You haven't made your save.

SAM: We're going up to the top of the– to the thing. Just to the roof there.

LAURA: They're coming up the sides!

ASHLEY: We've got to go somewhere else.

SAM: Well, I didn't know that. (laughs) It's done.

ORION: It's fine. It's good that they're up there.

SAM: And, as a bonus, I'm going to send some inspiration to Grog.

MATT: Okay, as you Dimension Door you just go ahead and look back. Using the song of love you gave to Pike, you give back, give a wink to Grog. Grog, you take a 1d10 inspiration. 1d10 inspiration dice to you.


LIAM: Grog, we would like you to rage.

TRAVIS: I'm already there. I'm just being fucking grappled. Is it my turn?

MATT: It is now.

TRAVIS: Oh, can I try it for the third time to break free?

MATT: You can. Go ahead and go ahead and make your athletics.

LIAM: Use that inspiration die, man.

TRAVIS: I'll use the inspiration die just in case I rolled balls again.

MATT: Well, you can use it after you do it. See what you roll and then add it.

TRAVIS: It's athletics, right?

MATT: Athletics, yeah.


MATT: 18?

LIAM: Come on.

MATT: Yeah, you (boosh) break out of the creature's grasp. Suddenly it's reaching at you from behind the bars. You can see there's this slick, brackish oil on your body from where it was holding you. Fleshless arms clutching you to the bars.

TRAVIS: So is everybody leaving? Should I climb up the rope?

MATT: There is Lady Kima who is turned to stone.

MARISHA: We've got to get Kima out.

TRAVIS: Fuck Lady Kima!

ORION: Pick her up!

LAURA: I thought you had a crush on her?

ASHLEY: Can he grab her and climb?

MATT: You can. She's not a big stone structure.

TRAVIS: Okay, cool. I pick her up and start trying to climb up the rope.

MATT: Okay, so you rush, you grab the stone form.

SAM: Put her in the Bag of Holding!


TRAVIS: She's stone! It doesn't matter!

ORION: Don't do that!

TRAVIS: I take her and– oh, fine. I'll hold on to her.

SAM: No, put her in the bag!

MARISHA: Can you make one of those baby slings? Stuff her in your belt?

TALIESIN: It's not time for arts and crafts.

MATT: You run up. You grab Lady Kima. You grab her in your arms and you rush. The rope is currently dangling from this side where you guys first came in.

LAURA: Stomp all over the brain to get to it.

MATT: 50 speed. You can get up to here. You can just get up to the rope and we'll say as your dash action you can begin to climb, if you'd like.

TRAVIS: I would like to climb.

MATT: Okay.

SAM: I would like to raise.

TRAVIS: I would like to rage. Rage climb.

MATT: It gets you about there. Rage climbing like (grunts).


MATT: One-handed up the rope. That's pretty intense. Go ahead and make an athletics check.

MARISHA: Yes. That Crossfit training come in handy.


MATT: 17. Yeah, it's sore. You know that arm is going to be dead tomorrow, but right now it doesn't even matter. You're just clutching Lady Kima, still locked in her attack pose, in one arm as you're overhand grabbing the rope and getting yourself up as fast as you can.

TRAVIS: You better remember this when you wake up.


MATT: Rage-climbing up the rope.

LIAM: He's climbing the Cliffs of Insanity!


MATT: That brings us to Vex.

LAURA: I should just stay where I am, right guys?

TALIESIN: And you should shoot things.

LAURA: I'm going to do that, yes. Is there any other– there's just a little brain in there right now?

MATT: Right now there's two brains, and you can see just in the outskirts of the temple's side here, two more illithid that are making their way up the side of the temple.

LAURA: Oh, fuck me.

MATT: With about a hundred or so just now gathering towards the bottom of the temple base.

LAURA: Jesus. We're going to get out of here real fast! You guys are listening to me, right? Because things are coming up the side and we need to get out of here.

SAM: But what if there's gold down there to find?

LAURA: I don't give a fuck! I'm going to Hunter's Mark a little brain. Or should I keep attacking the Elder Brain? What do you guys think?

TALIESIN: Elder Brain is spilling out the side now, isn't it?

MATT: The Elder Brain is still inside, just the stonework on the outside of it is currently knocked out.

TALIESIN: Yeah, I have a carpet anyway, so let's just jump on it.

LIAM: I mean, it might get sent reeling, that brain.

LAURA: I know, that's why I'm kind of like, hm.

LIAM: Maybe if– we should try to get out of here, but maybe if we can frigging hurt that brain it'll stun them or send them reeling or something, or make them mad.

LAURA: All right. I can do Hail of Thorns on it again, so I'll Hunter's Mark it and then I'll do Hail of Thorns on it.

MATT: All right.

LAURA: 27.

MATT: That'll hit. Releasing again, in midair you can see all the thorns appear out the sides of the arrow shaft. It explodes into a giant conical– just a ray, almost like a blizzard of thorns.

LIAM: Get it.

LAURA: I don't add– do I add Hunter's Mark to that damage, or just my regular and then that?

MATT: At the end of all the damage you dealt with the attack, you then add Hunter's Mark to that.

LAURA: Okay.

LIAM: Big money.

LAURA: 22. 24.

MATT: 24, all righty. Keyleth, go ahead and make a reflex saving throw.

MARISHA: What's happening?

LAURA: Oh, right, because you're right next to it, sorry Keyleth.

MARISHA: Oh, it's okay. My reflex– I use my dex modifier for my elemental, correct?

MATT: Or deflect, yeah, sorry, old carryover, it's dexterity.


MATT: Ten? Versus your spell save of–

LAURA: 14.

MATT: Yeah, so you take the same damage. You take 24 points of damage.

LAURA: Sorry. Oh right, you're really, really strong.

MARISHA: Yeah, I've got 100 hit points still.

LAURA: Okay.

MARISHA: So how many points? 21?

MATT: 24. So, all the thorns explode against your rocky physical form; you just shrug it off, like it's nothing. (laughs) It tickles a little.

MARISHA: Yeah, I'm good.

LAURA: So I'll try to– I guess I'll just attack it again, because I've got nowhere else to go.

MATT: Okay.

ORION: Yeah.

LAURA: 17?

MATT: All right, 17– actually no, 17 will miss.

LAURA: Oh really, with it oozing out and everything?

MATT: The second, there's some sort of psychic protective field in the brain. As you fire down, the arrow looks like it should strike and then it just arcs off to the side nonsensically, and then just splinters against the stonework next to the–

LAURA: Fudge!

TRAVIS: Fudge.

MATT: You going to stay where you are? You going to move?

ORION: Get on Trinket!

LAURA: I'm going to climb onto Trinket for some reason, because that makes sense.

MATT: Okay, you climb onto Trinket's back. That brings us to Keyleth. You're up.

MARISHA: Okay, what's the situation with the brain soup?

MATT: The liquid is poured out.

MARISHA: And how are the brains? Are just brains just floating downstream?

MATT: No, it's actually all– at a long distance, it looks like one giant brain, close up it looks like all of these smaller brains have all congealed into one giant mind.

LAURA: It's like a jello mold of brains.

MARISHA: Like a jello mold of a brain. And there's fluid coming out from underneath of it?

MATT: Yeah. Literally the fluid it was sitting in, it was mostly submerged in, is all now poured out onto the ground near you, beginning to get slick.

MARISHA: Okay, here's what I'm going to do. I'm going to be like, phase under, phase down, and I'm going to get under where the brain would be, and I'm going to Superman punch it!


ORION: Yeah!

MARISHA: From underneath.

MATT: Okay, go ahead and make an attack roll.

TRAVIS: Come on, punch it in its big brain anus.


MATT: 23, that hits, go ahead and roll damage.

MARISHA: (laughs) 11? Wait, is that my–


MARISHA: Oh, 22! You're right, 22.

MATT: It's not double damage, because you're not hitting the structure. So 11 points of damage? All right, now I want you to go ahead and make a strength check.

MARISHA: Okay, that sounds fun.

MATT: So just roll and add your strength modifier of the earth elemental.


MATT: Okay, as you punch upward, you're still partially absorbed into the earth, but your fist comes through and it slams in, and you feel this sickening thud sound as your fist hits the interior of the brain. It still moves a little bit but it stays in its place held aloft by its own psychic defense mechanism. Make your second attack.

MARISHA: Okay, yeah, same, 21.

MATT: 21 hits. Go ahead and roll damage on that one.

LAURA: Big damage!

MARISHA: Come on.

TALIESIN: Big money.

MARISHA: Oh, that's better. 16.

MATT: 16 damage. Go ahead and roll another strength check.


MATT: Eight? Okay. Once again, you slam your fist into it and you feel like the impact is absorbed partially by the psychic field around the brain. It holds itself in place. It's still not moving from within that small–

MARISHA: Do I stay or do I get out?

LAURA: Get out.

ORION: Get out.

MATT: You still have about– I'd say it only took you about 15 feet of movement to get underneath it.

MARISHA: In my burrowing speed, right?

MATT: Yeah.

MARISHA: So, I'm going to start burrowing up the side of the mountain– up the side of the temple, so I can pop out next to them.

MATT: Okay, so we'll say 25, 30, 35, 40, 45. What's your total burrow speed?


MATT: So you'll be about there.


MATT: So you're about as high as Tiberius is, partially up the wall.

MARISHA: I'm in the wall.

LAURA: They won't see you.

TRAVIS: Vax, you're still on the floor, right?

LIAM: Yeah.

MATT: Up on there. As you glance in, you kinda have a brief look at the outside of the wall and on the opposite side there are two other mind flayers. One more coming up on the side and another troll behind it. And the troll's slamming onto the bricks you left up. And these two illithids are starting to look up and see you moving up, and their eyes go up and they can see the opening in the top of the– where the wall collapsed earlier. And they both look up and kinda start drifting up towards it. So that ends your turn. Tiberius, you're up.

ORION: What's the order after me?

MATT: Well, it's Percy, Pike, Vax, and then they go. Then Scanlan, Grog.

TALIESIN: I was going to hold my turn to get everybody on the carpet.

LIAM: I'm coming.

ORION: Okay, okay, good. I cast Fly at 5th level. I cast it on myself. I cast it on Grog. And I cast it on– you're not there.

LAURA: Trinket!

ORION: Trinket. (groans)

TRAVIS: She's on Trinket.

LAURA: So I can fly if I'm on Trinket, right?

ORION: Yeah.

LAURA: Sweet!

MATT: All right, so Grog, Trinket, and–


MATT: Yourself. Okay.

ORION: And I (flying noise).

MATT: What's the fly speed on that?

ORION: Um, outside?

LIAM: A skillion.

ORION: I dunno, it's right here. It's right here.

MATT: It's on the card, the cards I gave you.

ORION: The cards! Look at the cards. It's 60 feet.

MATT: 60 feet. You make your way up top and you're now hovering. Trinket's now having another Peter Pan moment with you on his back awkwardly. It's just gotten used to flying on its own, that one time it had. Now it has an extra weight on its back. (bear noises)

LAURA: You can do it, buddy. You can do it.

ASHLEY: You got it, Trink.

MATT: All right.

ORION: Oh wait, hold on– I want to turn to everybody and go, “Fly, you fools.”

MATT: It's a free action, I'll let you do that. (laughs) Percy, you're up.

TALIESIN: I'm holding my turn.

MATT: You're holding back?

TALIESIN: I'm holding my turn.

MATT: Okay. Percy, holding back. Pike, go ahead and make an intellect saving throw.



MATT: 19. You finally shrug off the effect of the Mind Blast. Your eyes clarify.

SAM: Does she fall in love with the first thing she sees?


MATT: (laughs) The first thing you do see is Scanlan holding you. You're now outside of the temple. There's the dark, kind of dull glowing green atmosphere outside the entire Yug'Voril city around you, with bits of blue crystal, you know, against the cavern walls. It's scary. You look around you, you can see illithid charging up the side of the temple, just gliding toward you angrily. You look forward and on your shoulders, clutching you, is Scanlan, blood streaking down the front of his face with a big smile.

ASHLEY: (gasps) Scanlan, are you hurt?

SAM: I'm fine, baby. How are you?

ASHLEY: I'm great. Well, not really, but I'm just going to pretend I'm happy so that everybody can be okay.


ORION: That's right, Pike. Bury it deep inside.

ASHLEY: Well, can I do a spell? Okay, Mass Cure Wounds.

MATT: Okay.

ASHLEY: For the, well, hold on a minute. How low is everybody? Not really that low?

LAURA: Nobody's really low.

TRAVIS: I'm at 32.

ASHLEY: He's pretty low.

TALIESIN: You two are the only ones.

LAURA: Yeah. Can you cast something on Kima? Oh, no. We should just keep her stone for now.

SAM: You're low. You're super low.

LAURA: Yeah, cast it on yourself, man.

TRAVIS: Heal yourself.

TALIESIN: She can hold this part of her turn until everybody's up there.

MATT: Mass Cure Wounds on yourself? Because Mass Cure Wounds is for multiple people.

ASHLEY: No, can I just do–

MATT: You can cast Cure Wounds on yourself.

ASHLEY: I can?

MATT: Yeah.

ASHLEY: But he needs it, too.

MATT: It's your choice. It's also touch. You have to be next to him to do that.


TRAVIS: Just do your thing. You need it.

ASHLEY: All right, I need it? Oh no.

MATT: At six hit points, I'd recommend it to you.

TRAVIS: The DM recommends it.


MATT: You were so close to dying again. I was so scared.

TRAVIS: I stringently urge you.

LIAM: Four out of five DMs recommend.


ASHLEY: All right, 17.

MATT: Okay, so you heal yourself 17 hit points. You clutch your holy symbol. You feel the warmth fill your body and your wounds seal up slowly. You feel a little better, because you were on death's door there. All right. You want to move at all? Anything else you want to do this turn or are you good?

ASHLEY: Now I'm at 23. Wait, so bonus action?

ORION: Get on the bear!

LAURA: No, he can't–

MATT: You don't have to.

ASHLEY: He can “bear-ly” hold one.

(groans and laughter)

LAURA: Ba dum tss.

ASHLEY: I can't do that, right?

MATT: What?

ASHLEY: I can't get on Trinket?

MATT: Right now, Trinket can barely hold Vex.

ASHLEY: So as a bonus action, I'll give Scanlan a kiss on his cheek.

SAM: Oh! Do I get an inspiration for that?

MATT: You do.


MATT: A d6 inspiration dice.

SAM: I'm never going to wash it again.

ORION: You never wash it to begin with.

MATT: It's this strangely romantic moment as she reaches forward, grabs him and kisses him on the cheek and pulls away and he looks at her with this beautiful smile, and then the sound effects kick in again, of the bats screeching ahead and the (inhales) of all the illithid swarming up the side of the temple.

MARISHA: Oh god, we're still in a war zone!

ASHLEY: Oh no, we got to get it together.

MATT: All right, Vax.

LIAM: Okay, I run up the dais, land on the brain. I'm on my way, but before I go, I'm going to kiss you goodbye. Dagger, dagger, dagger. Stabbing into the brain before I leap onto the carpet. So here I go. First one– misses. Second one is a 25.

MATT: 25, okay.

LIAM: Which gets nine damage.

MATT: All right.

LIAM: And last dagger is a 13.


LIAM: Okay, so I'll give him a little cut, a little nick, and then jump on the flying carpet.

MATT: Jump on the flying carpet. All righty.

LIAM: And I grab Percy around the neck and kiss him on the cheek, and say, “Let's get out of here, you bastard.”

TALIESIN: Do I get an inspiration point for that?



LAURA: That's a double standard.

TALIESIN: You know how I feel about you.

LIAM: Fight the patriarchy.

MATT: Down the road, maybe. This is the start of something beautiful.

TALIESIN: I'm feeling something new.

MATT: Let the seeds germinate for a while. Then the dice may come naturally. So you're holding your turn? Percy, you want to go now?

TALIESIN: I want to go now.

MATT: All right. So, that brings you here. Percy, go ahead.

TALIESIN: I'm just going to reel straight up. And on my way up, I'm going to take two more shots at the brain.

MATT: Okay, okay. We'll say here for the purposes of this. Taking two more shots?


LIAM: Oh, I'm suffocating in the brain!

MATT: Oh no, it's fallen over. What's the first roll?


MATT: 16 does hit. Oh, it's not even flat, okay. We're just going to put it down there.


MATT: 16 doesn't hit. The 19 just barely hits it. It pierces through the psychic barrier. (zoomf) The bullet sinking again into the fleshy membrane.

TALIESIN: The second one has a bonus die, yay.

MATT: Ice shot.

TALIESIN: Ice shot.

MARISHA: Maybe you'll freeze it.

LIAM: Percy and Vax, ship it!

TALIESIN: That's 13 points plus two points of ice damage.

MATT: Okay, so 16 total. All right. As it blasts inside, you can see the ice, these strange crystals of frozen liquid, they burst out, almost like it actually freezes the blue explosion in place for a moment, and then the ice just slowly melts away. Yeah, there's some damage dealt to it, but this is a hardy sack of hit points. And it's coming online. So with the end of your turn, the brain, now taken a bunch of hits, begins to pulse with energy, now that it's been freed from its control and it's slowly brought itself out of this trance-like slumber that it was placed in by K'Varn. The Elder Brain is now becoming conscious once again.

LIAM: Oh dear.

TALIESIN: Can we go up there? Can you put us at our height now?


MARISHA: Can you represent us accurately?

MATT: So at a 30-foot radius, which you guys are, it gives off a pulse of energy, (boomf) this giant psychic burst of purple-ish, psychic blast just cascades out of the center and just fills the room for a second with this large dull thud-like “thoom” sound. All of you instinctively look down and see this explosion that just dissipates as it crests the bottom of the magic carpet, which is just out of range.

TALIESIN: You're wearing the helmet, at least.

MATT: At which point, you guys who are at the top, looking off to the side, all the illithid that are rushing up the tunnel, there's a sudden flash of purple energy in their eyes simultaneously. Like now the Elder Brain has come back online and has reconnected with its people.

LAURA: Out, out, out!

MATT: All right, that brings us to Grog. Grog.

TRAVIS: I can keep flying up?

MATT: All of the sudden, the rope is really easy to go up. It's nothing, you're just going hand over hand.

ORION: You can fly, Grog!

TRAVIS: I have one more level three, whatever it's called, level three healing potion. They're called superior or something? What's the word for it?

MATT: Yeah.

TRAVIS: I'd like to take that.

MARISHA: I have so much adrenaline during these kind of fights.


MATT: They're moving around, they're angry, they can't quite get to their targets.

TRAVIS: I heal 24 points of hit damage.

MATT: Fantastic. Rolling for the bottom of the attack round. Okay. The troll bursts through the door, filling in with the two mind flayers behind it. They both look up, frustrated. And both begin to drift up.


MATT: As far as they can get.

TRAVIS: Fuck this house of horrors.

ASHLEY: How do we get out of here?

LAURA: How are we going to get out of here?

MATT: They are going to attempt two Mind Blasts. All right. That's as high as they get with levitation. With the full height that takes the top, because technically you guys are up here, I just couldn't put the structure that high up. The only people– The only person that's in the radius would be Scanlan and Pike. Again.

ASHLEY: All right.

MATT: Both of you guys make intellect saving throws again.

SAM: I'm just looking into her eyes the whole time.

ASHLEY: Can you sing?

MARISHA: You've got that inspiration die.

SAM: Oh, I do. I don't need it though.

MATT: What did you roll?

SAM: I'm at 20.

MATT: Okay.


MATT: 14? All right.

SAM: Can I sing for her?

MATT: (laughs) Unfortunately, you have to do that on your turn. You manage to resist the effects of it. You take 22 points of psychic damage and once again your brain clenches–

LAURA: Good thing you healed yourself, Pike!

MATT: Damn good thing you healed yourself.

SAM: She was at 23! That's 22. That's one point!

LAURA: Yeah. That's the second time this round.

MATT: You feel all of the sudden, the blast hits you and you see her eyes roll back in her head as she reaches up and grabs the side of her head again, nearly dropping her shield and mace, which you manage to catch before they clatter down into the temple.


SAM: Baby, come on.

ASHLEY: Maybe we'll be okay?

MARISHA: Do you want some more dice?

MATT: All right, Grog, you're up. Oh no, you're up there, they went. That brings it to the top of the round. Vex, you're up.

MARISHA: Take it, take it. Give it to her, please.

ORION: Head to the beach!

SAM: Wait, top of the round?

MATT: Yeah, we're at the very top now. At the very end, the new guys burst in and attacked.

LAURA: I'm going to– (sighs) Is that brain fluid still floating around it? Like, out and stuff?

TRAVIS: Well, we woke it up.

LAURA: I know.

LIAM: But now it's awake, so–

MATT: Percy shot– No, actually, you didn't do your turn on that one. I'm sorry, I think we skipped Scanlan.

SAM: Should I kill the brain, or try to kill the brain?

LIAM: If you can also flee at the same time.

ORION: Well, he has to wait for the carpet.

SAM: The brain is down there in the puddle? In the pool? Is that big scaffolding still hanging over it?

MATT: It's currently dangling over to this side. Because it's been busted from three different corners and it's precariously hanging.

SAM: But it's not right over the thing?

LAURA: But it might fall and tip.

SAM: Or it could not.

ASHLEY: Could somebody also use Telekinesis to pull it to fall the other way?

ORION: I do not have the necessary item to do two concentration spells at once.

SAM: Is it super heavy?

MATT: It's pretty heavy. It probably weighs close to 700 to 1,000 pounds.

MARISHA: What does?

MATT: The giant brass structure.

SAM: And how high above it is it? Like, would it get a significant amount of force?

MATT: It would fall down and then topple over.

SAM: Unless I made it fall–

MATT: Unless you made it fall. In that case, we'll see.

SAM: Do I do that or do I just Lightning Strike? Okay.

LIAM: It's your decision.

MARISHA: Go bold!

TRAVIS: Do what you were going to do. Do it.

SAM: I'm feeling handsy.


SAM: (sings) Bigby's Hand! So I take Bigby's Hand and I sort of try to wrench it off the last thing that's holding it up, but in the direction of the–

MATT: Okay!

SAM: Of the brain.

MATT: Go ahead and make a roll, adding your plus five for your casting ability.

SAM: Well, that's not good.

ORION: And inspiration!

SAM: Oh, yeah! Okay, so that makes it 13 plus what?

MATT: 13 plus five, which is your charisma.

SAM: Okay, then 18.

MATT: 18. As the spectral Bigby's Hand reaches over and grabs the top of the structure, you can see the weird bit of bent metal that was once part of the mostly-destroyed structure that held it aloft in the center of the temple (metal creaking) wrenches forth and snaps as the entire structure begins to be pulled at an angle.

SAM: (sings) It's Bigby's Hand.

MATT: It slams down at an angle into the side of the brain and coming to rest on top, crushing even further the corpse of Clarota, currently smeared across the ground. Oh, man. Go ahead and roll 6d6 force damage on that. Crushing damage, as this heavy thing jams itself into the brain.

LIAM: Six cubes, Sam, six cubes.

SAM: Orion's my dice bimbo.

ORION: Here you go, boss.

ASHLEY: There you go, boss!

SAM: 16.

MATT: 16, so the structure slams into the Elder Brain, and you can see like a bit of purplish black liquid kinda squirts out to one side and for the first time you can see a part of the brain is actually torn open, and the purplish glow that you see throbbing in the middle of its folds is now visible from the interior. You can see now, it's taken some real damage. Immediately the two mind flayers that were floating up look down, freaked out, and begin moving towards the brain now, instinctively, to defend it.

SAM: And bonus action, can I pour some superior healing potion down Pike's beautiful throat?

MATT: You can.


MATT: I'm not going anywhere with that.

TALIESIN: Yeah, no.

SAM: I'm just pouring my potion down Pike's throat.

MATT: Anyway. All right, so Vex, what're you doing?

SAM: I don't know what superior is.

MATT: Oh, it's a superior one, superior goes to, it's 8d4 plus eight.

SAM: Do I roll or does she?

MATT: You roll.

SAM: Oh!

MATT: It's your potion.

SAM: 8d4 plus eight.

MATT: Yeah.

SAM: Holy bajeez. One.

MATT: Five, nine, 13.

SAM and MATT: 15, 18, 21.

MATT: One more.

SAM: 22.

MATT: Plus eight, 30. You heal 30 hit points.

ASHLEY: What? Awesome.

SAM: I got some good potion.

MATT: Very, very expensive potion used. All right, so. Vex? You're on Trinket still, do you want to hold your action and wait for the rest of the carpet, do you want to attack anyone, what do you want to do?

LAURA: I want to attack the Elder Brain.

MATT: Okay. Go for it.

LAURA: I'm going to– I think all I can do is a Conjure Barrage.

MATT: Okay.

LAURA: So it's the cone of attack.

MATT: Yeah.

LAURA: So that will get hopefully all the things, because I'm shooting down, right?

MATT: Well, how big is the cone?

LAURA: It's 60 feet.

MATT: 60-foot cone from your angle here, if you're going for the brain it'll catch this guy, maybe, as a cone that goes down this way.

LAURA: Okay.

MATT: Unless you want to go this way and hit these guys, or this guy.

LIAM: You could get the edge of the brain.

LAURA: Yeah, can I do the edge on the brain and get–

MATT: Yeah. You can get, you can get probably these guys there.

LAURA: All right, let's do that.

MATT: All right.

LAURA: Okay.

MATT: So they get saving throws, right? How does that work?

LAURA: Yes, they get saving throws.

MATT: So roll damage, and we'll see what their saving throws are.

LAURA: Okay. But do I have to roll to see if it hits, or it just hits?

MATT: No, for that one, it's just a barrage and they get to roll a saving throw against it.

LAURA: Oh! Okay, cool. 17?

MATT: All right.

LAURA: Plus Hunter's Mark? On the Elder Brain.

MATT: Yeah, so the Elder Brain takes additional damage.

LAURA: Three additional. Do I get plus two for the bracers on that Conjure Barrage?

MATT: Technically, yes you would, because they're ranged.

LAURA: Okay, so that would've been 19.

MATT: 19. All right. Cool. And then this guy fails its save, so total damage on him?

LAURA: 19.

MATT: 19 on him? Okay. So it's still alive, just looking really, really rough. The brain's just now pierced with a bunch of arrows, some of it, it's barely holding itself on top of its feet. And the troll also takes the damage as well, just seems to shrug it off, just seems to angrily– roars up from the bottom of the temple at you, now seemingly helpless in the current circumstance.

LAURA: So then I want to attack the Elder Brain again.

MATT: All right. So you release it down.

LAURA: 20.

MATT: Very nice, that hits, go ahead and roll damage.

LAURA: All right. 11.

MATT: 11 points of damage, all right.

LAURA: Oh, wait, wait! No, lies! 13.

MATT: 13, okay, there we go.

TRAVIS: (laughs) No, lies.

MATT: (laughs) Reach down again, release this one, aiming towards the now torn-open wound on the side of the Elder Brain as the arrow now sinks in, there's another pulse of purple energy, and you hear, all of you simultaneously in your heads this scream, this screech (screech) that echoes through your heads. As it does, the two illithid that were hovering towards it grab their heads momentarily out of frustration and glare up at you angrily.

ORION: Ooh! I took notice of this.

MATT: That brings us to Keyleth.

MARISHA: I'm going to take the rest of my burrow speed to get up to the top.

MATT: All right.

MARISHA: I'm assuming I'm there?

MATT: You just manage to make it to the top of the temple, yeah.

MARISHA: Okay. Drop earth elemental.

MATT: All right. Keyleth is on the field.

MARISHA: Would you say–

SAM: Oh boy.


MATT: Nothing good ever comes out of this. What do you got, Keyleth, what are you doing?

MARISHA: Theoretically.

MATT: Theoretically?

MARISHA: Our brains are made up of water, right? Would you say that there is water in the like jello brain mold, like water molecules would be in it?

MATT: Make an arcana check.

MARISHA: Okay. I don't know much in terms of arcana, but I can try. Ten.

MATT: You have no idea. You have never encountered an Elder Brain before.

LAURA: Yeah, give it a try!

TALIESIN: Give it a try!

MARISHA: Okay. I'm going to cast Control Water. I'm going to assume that there's water, it's 300 feet, I got the range and I'm going to take the brain where it's already kind of sliced down the middle where Vex has already made progress, I'm going to take it and I'm just going to rip it apart.

MATT: Okay. Go ahead and roll a d20 and add your wisdom modifier to it.


TRAVIS: Wait, you're saying brains are made of water?



MATT: Okay. There is an element of liquid to its structure, however it is difficult to extract it from a form that you're unfamiliar with, let alone one that's this stable. You manage to find a way to pull moisture out of parts of it and actually deal damage to it as you're beginning to shrivel sections of the brain. Go ahead and roll 3d6. You do 3d6 points of dehydration damage.

MARISHA: I'll take it, I'll take it.

ASHLEY: Make some brain jerky.

MARISHA: They'll have a really bad hangover tomorrow.

MATT: Oh yeah. Oh, you don't even know the half of it.

MARISHA: Ooh! Just 3d6 or plus anything?

MATT: Just 3d6.


MATT: 15, all right. 15 points of dehydration damage to the Elder Brain. You can see now the portion of the wound that's been opened, the corners of it kind of shrivel in and tuck in and the actual purple glow in the inside dulls slightly. And you now have, currently, in the air, a small amorphous globule of brain fluid that's just kind of floating there in this, in the air.

ASHLEY: Awesome.

LAURA: Gross.



MARISHA: Scanlan, smell it! Smell it!

SAM: No, thank you.

MATT: Tiberius, you're up.

ORION: Did you say there was illithid coming up on the sides, too?

MATT: Yeah, they're swarming up the side. They're probably about halfway up.

ORION: Okay. I turn to the group. I suggest we go to the beach immediately. There we can shore up defenses and I can cast a spell and get us out of here. As I say that, I go (fwwt) and throw a Fireball right at that fucker's head.

MATT: Okay. Are you using your movement to bring the carpet, to take control of the carpet from Percy and move it up higher?

ORION: No, I'm up top. I have Fly on myself.

MATT: Oh, that's right. Sorry. Yeah. All right, so.

ORION: Yeah, I just let a Fireball down on the brain.

MATT: Into the brain, all right. All right, so that's enough to get both of these guys. Go ahead and roll damage. And they both failed their save, so full damage.

TRAVIS: Crush the nuts.

ASHLEY: Little brains.

MATT: I like that, good.

ORION: 40.

MATT: 40?

LAURA: Whoa!


MATT: Those incinerate. And 40 points of damage to the Elder Brain as this giant echoing explosion blasts up from below. All of you at the top, you are underlit momentarily from the flash of red and yellow flame. As you look down, there's now a sizzling sound and this like smell of horrible burnt flesh as part of the Elder Brain now that was originally dehydrated is now also burnt and singed. You can see now, it's looking a little rougher and it's very very unhappy with its current circumstance.

LAURA: I want to kill it before we leave now.

MATT: All right. Pike, go ahead and make a saving throw.

MARISHA: Come on, Pike!

LAURA: Why a saving throw?

MATT: Still trying to get rid of the stun.

LAURA: Oh, right.

MATT: So intellect saving throw.


MATT: 16. You shrug off the effect–

ASHLEY: Yeah! Man. Thanks, Keyleth. Much better now.

MARISHA: New dice!

SAM: What? I've been doing it wrong this whole time.

ASHLEY: Can I do anything, or that's my turn?

MATT: That's your turn.

ORION: My movement, by the way is I head to the beach.

SAM: You're ghosting?


MATT: You just get the fuck out of Dodge, Tiberius is that way.

ASHLEY: Wait, where do we go? Nobody's taking us?

LAURA: No, you've got to hop on the carpet when it comes up.

ASHLEY: Oh, okay, got it.

MARISHA: Classic Tiberius.

TALIESIN: All right, here's a question: can everybody still fly?

MATT: Vax?

ORION: As long as I'm thinking about it.

LIAM: Well I'm still sitting, still kneeling on the flying carpet with Percy, so I'm just throwing daggers at the bacon brain.

MATT: Okay. They're at disadvantage at this distance.

LIAM: Okay. So that means, aw man, 17 on the first.

MATT: 17? (ricochet sound) Reflected, deflected by the arcane shield on the brain.

LIAM: All right, so then the second one does as well, and the last one definitely does, so.

MATT: Yeah, so all three just (ping, ping, ping).

TALIESIN: Take the wheel!

MATT: As it gets more and more damaged, it's waking up more and more and it looks like it's actually gaining power the more it does.

LIAM: Okay, and then Percy yelled in my ear, so I take some of the little carpet tassels.

MATT: (laughs) Okay. So as your movement, you manage to move the carpet all the way up, it swoops up into the center of–

LAURA: Grab the gnomes!

MATT: This right here. You guys are all looking precariously at this carpet that is now floating up from the center of the temple. As you get to the top, you look over and you can see there's probably close to 20 mind flayers that are swarming up the side. That brings us to, Vax, Percy, you're up.

TALIESIN: All right, I pull out Bad News. And I'm going to lie down on my stomach, hanging off the edge of the carpet.

SAM: Hanging brain!

TALIESIN: And I'm taking a shot straight down.

MATT: Okay. I'll say it takes you your–

TALIESIN: My movement.

MATT: Movement to get it out. So you're there, you're unable to move the carpet, you pull the Bad News out, you get down, you're precariously off the side of it, and it is sagging as your weight touches it, you get ready, go ahead and fire.

TALIESIN: Firing a deadshot.

MATT: Okay.

MARISHA: Oh, come on.

TALIESIN: That's 18.

MATT: As you fire, the blast sends you up almost onto your feet on the carpet again, and you hear this impact sound, this (crash) of the blast hitting stone as the psychic field around it deflects the bullet, sending it into the ground.

LAURA: I thought 18 was the number that we were aiming for– shit.

TALIESIN: Wait, did I have an inspiration dice from last– fuck.

ORION: You did.

TALIESIN: I did have an inspiration dice from last game! I did! What do you give people with it?

SAM: d10.

TALIESIN: d10? Oh fuck, that's right.

ORION: Can he add it now?

MATT: Yeah, I'll trust you on that.

TALIESIN: I did! I did, because I'm always excited when I get them, because I never get them.

MATT: That's true, okay, yeah. All right. Go ahead and roll for that.


MATT: That'll do it.

TALIESIN: Oh my god.

MATT: As the brain continues to wake up, it improves its defenses, improves its capabilities–

LAURA: Oh, I understand.


MATT: But that will hit. So go ahead and roll damage on that.


ORION: It's Hulking?

MATT: Essentially. So as you release the blast, it hits the psychic field, the first impact you hear is it hitting the psychic field and pushing through into the actual brain matter.

MARISHA: Come on!

TALIESIN: Let me double-check that I'm doing this right, hold on, deadshot's weird. Plus weapon damage. Okay, so that's eight, nine, ten, 11, 12, 13… 25 points of damage.

MATT: 25 points of damage. Boom! You see the section of it that's kinda charred and burned gets blown off, and now there's a corner of the brain that's just an open and gaping wound. The purplish glow on the inside is pulsing more and more angrily. It's taken a beating, but it's hanging in there.

TALIESIN: Oh my god!

MARISHA: Will not die.

MATT: This is, you guys have left a good mark on it. You get the sensation, with the swarming incoming, you may start to consider self-preservation, because the Elder Brain looks like it's taken some hits, but it's not on death's door yet.


MARISHA: Let's get out.

LAURA: We need to go.

MATT: Scanlan, you're up.

SAM: Scanlan is up?

MATT: Yep.

SAM: We're out of here?

TALIESIN: We need everybody to hop on the carpet first.

SAM: Okay.

MATT: You're hopping up?

SAM: No, I'm going to turn into a huge pterodactyl and carry some folks.

MATT: Okay.


LAURA: You can do that?

SAM: Sure, why not?

MARISHA: He's got Polymorph.

TRAVIS: Yeah, turn into a batwing.

MATT: Cool, so we'll say for the time being, we'll use this as Scanlan.

SAM: Great.

MATT: You are a giant pterodactyl, a creature that you've read in books in the past, you haven't actually seen in person. And what are you doing?

SAM: Who can I carry?

MATT: You can carry one person with your claws. You haven't used this form before, and this is you figuring it out, so pick one and you can take them with you.

SAM: I'm going to take someone heavy.

LIAM: Grog.

MATT: Grog can fly.

LAURA: I can fly on Trinket, yeah, everybody's covered, man.

SAM: There's only one person I can take.

MATT: As the pterodactyl Scanlan swoops down and both its claws grapple on your arms and lift you off the top of the temple, flying after Tiberius.

TALIESIN: How do you make that weird?

MATT: All right, so they're now out of harm's way. Very top of the round, that brings us to Grog. Still carrying Kima under your arm.

TRAVIS: We're getting out, right?

LAURA: Yeah.

TRAVIS: So I don't have to worry, so up and out.

MATT: So you just awkwardly fly with Kima under your arm, off with the rest of the group.

LIAM: (sings) Sweet bird of prey, fly, fly away.

SAM: (sings) Up, up, and away, I'm a beautiful pterodactyl.

MATT: We'll get these guys off the board here because you do have two Illithid that get up to the edge here. They're going to attempt a Mind Blast.

LIAM: We're gone, man, we're gone!

LAURA: Not yet.

MATT: Still holding back. So–

LIAM: I jump up to get out of range.

MATT: That can just get Trinket and Vex, if you can go ahead and make an intelligence saving throw for both of you.

LIAM: Don't fuck with my sister.

ORION: Trinket and Vex are still there?

LAURA: Yeah. I know, I didn't get to–

SAM: They never flew.

LAURA: I know, I didn't use the movement on the last turn.

MATT: Nope.

LAURA: I just didn't say it because I'm an asshole.

SAM: You are.

LIAM: What kind of saving throw?

MATT and SAM: Intelligence.

LAURA: Ten? On me.

MATT: Okay. Roll for Trinket.

LIAM: You rolled nine, plus two is 11.

LAURA: Oh. Okay. 11.

MATT: So go ahead and roll for Trinket.

LAURA: Oh! I rolled a nine, plus two, plus two.

LIAM: For what?

LAURA: For my ring that I'm wearing.

LIAM: Okay.

LAURA: So whatever that was.

MATT: Okay.

LAURA and LIAM: 13.

MATT: Okay.

LAURA: For me.

MATT: And roll for Trinket.

LAURA: Which is going to be a major fail because Trinket is the dumbest.


SAM: Don't talk about Trinket like that.

TRAVIS: Is he the dumbest?

LAURA: No, that's a minus four. So that would be a nine for Trinket.

MATT: Nine for Trinket.

LAURA: Who is, by the way, my only way to get out of here right now.

MATT: So communally, both you and Trinket freeze in place, and Trinket, who is flying, slumps onto the top of the temple, limply laying across the edge, about to tip over off the temple.

SAM: (whispering) Told you we should've left Trinket behind.

MATT: That ends your turn. Keyleth, you're up.


LIAM: A lot of Sandmen in there.

MARISHA: Well first and foremost I'm going to get on the carpet.

MATT: Okay. So you leap up here with these guys.

MARISHA: Secondly, I am going to– Okay, wait, Trinket's stunned?

MATT: Trinket is currently catatonic (moans), just barely holding herself right there. You can see she's struggling with the flight spell, like she's kind of levering herself into the ground–

LAURA: Trinket's a boy.

MATT: Him, sorry. I was thinking of you.

LAURA: If he's about to die, at least get his gender right.

MATT: I apologize, Trinket. I'm sorry.

MARISHA: Wait, shove him?

TALIESIN: Shove him onto the carpet.

MARISHA: No, I can't shove him.

SAM: Wait, he's floating.

MARISHA: Okay, can I do this? Okay, here's what I'm going to do. I'm on the carpet. I'm going to cast Grasping Vine from the carpet and wrap around Trinket and have a Trinket tow vine.

MATT: Okay.

ORION: Like the Macy's Day parade!

MATT: So as you leap onto the carpet, you reach down, and the fibrous nature that the carpet was originally made from, you manage to pull the essence of that out to create a vine of similarly patterned color of the actual magic carpet material. The various silks form into this tendril that wraps around both you and Trinket and pulls you guys hanging behind the carpet, so you guys are essentially now towed to the carpet.

MARISHA: Let's go!

ORION: Can she take control of the carpet, too?

MARISHA: Can I now use the rest of my movement to be like–

MATT: You currently do not have control of the carpet because you used your action and everything to use that spell and your concentration at that point.

MARISHA: Okay, I'm just holding.

MATT: You're just holding them there. That brings us to Tiberius, you're off, flying off. Pike is off, Vax, you're up.

LIAM: I'm steering us the fuck outta here, man.

MATT: You tow Trinket and Vex out behind. As you guys pull off at full speed, the rest of the illithid swarm to the top, you can see about 15 or so get to the front top here, look down at the Elder Brain, look up at the rest of you with this angry look, and as you're pulling away, your eyes adjust to the darkness of the cavern and you look down and you swear you can see hundreds and hundreds of sets of purple glowing eyes just staring up from the city as you all slowly fly away to the far end of the cavern. As you're moving, so are the eyes.

LAURA: (sings) We've made some enemies. They're coming after us.

ORION: I want to make a note, because I'm way ahead of everybody at this point, as soon as I land on the beach, I cast Circle of Teleportation.

MATT: Okay.

ORION: Barring that there's nobody there, but I do that immediately.

MATT: All right, so. A few minutes go by, you guys are moving past and over the water channel that's between the north side of the island and the beach where you guys previously set.


MATT: As Tiberius, you land on the dirt. You land, immediately begin casting the Circle of Teleportation, you begin scrawling this circle on the ground, running your finger across the gravel surface to build the runes. As your fingers drag across, you can see the arcane light beginning to glow and form the sigils and the runes as you're drawing them feverishly. The rest of the group eventually catches up to you about 30 seconds into it. As you all eventually get back, you and Trinket manage to shrug off the effect. And you find yourselves halfway through being towed by this vine awkwardly.

LAURA: What is happening right now?

MARISHA: Stupid wrench.

MATT: A few seconds pass, you finish the incantation, you place your hand down on the center of the sigil, this wave of arcane energy blasts off, and suddenly, above this circle, this tearing sound pulls out of the middle of the ether, and this kind of purple shimmering doorway opens above the circle sigil that he crafted on the side of the beach.

ORION: By the blessings of Bahamut, I choose Emon!

MATT: At which point, the doorway that he just created takes some sort of a solid form and from what you can see on the other side, there appears to be some sort of low-lit room.

LIAM: Greyskull!

LAURA: (gasps) Greyskull!

ORION: I run right through.

MATT: All right. Tiberius runs through. Everyone else?

ALL: Yes!

SAM: Are we there?

MATT: You guys have all landed on the beach as he finished casting this, yeah.



MATT: You all rush through the portal, one after the other, towards the very end is Grog, you bringing up the rear, holding Kima, you go rushing towards it as it begins to slowly close, this only lasts a round, you barrel through just in time as it closes behind you with a sparking sound.

TALIESIN: We are time bandits.


TRAVIS: Oh, fuck. I just caked my pants.

TALIESIN: Squish-squish.

LAURA: I hate that phrase.

ORION: That was something, now, wasn't it?

TALIESIN: That was fantastic.

TRAVIS: Chocolate cake.

MATT: You all emerge within a small 20-foot-by-20-foot white stone chamber. You all are kinda crammed in this space currently, but you are all apparently safe and sound. As the doorway closes behind you, you turn and look, and on the ground there is a similar circle across the stone flooring, different patterns, different, you know, arrangement to the one that he had drawn, but with some similarities that are kind of a reminiscent glow, almost like a code to this circle, fade away, based on what he had drawn previously.

LAURA: They won't be able to open that back up?

ORION: We are safe.

LAURA: Okay.

TRAVIS: Just a quick request: she is made of stone. Holding Lady Kima.

ASHLEY: Yes! I'll go over and cast Greater Restoration on Kima.

ORION: Hold on just one second.

TRAVIS: Hold on.

ORION: We still have the Horn to deal with.

TALIESIN: The Horn is on the carpet. It has been specifically not touched.

MATT: So it's just kind of sitting there. The carpet's bunched to the side now as you guys kind of flew into the portal and kind of left it there and the Horn's just resting there.

ORION: I think we should get it out of her view before–

TALIESIN: I think we should put it in the Bag of Holding.

TRAVIS: Sure, yeah. Do you want to teleport it in the bag?

ASHLEY: If your crushing couldn't kill it, the thousand pounds?

ORION: We can store it there.

LIAM: Where are we? You said we're in a room.

MATT: It's a small yellow room, sorry, a small white stone room and there is a kind of yellowish brown stone doorway that is closed. There's some very faint white orbs that are locked into the wall. So you're not in Greyskull Keep now.

MARISHA: Oh, we're not in Greyskull.

MATT: You guys don't have a teleportation circle installed in your Keep yet. You don't know where you are.

SAM: We're in a room right now?

MATT: You're in a room, you're in a 20-foot-by-20-foot room, with two small white orbs on the sides that are kinda set into the walls to give off a faint white arcane glow. There's a single doorway that exits the room that is currently closed.

ORION: The way Circle of Teleportation works is when I learned it I get to pick two locations that I know innately. I picked Emon as one of them.

LAURA: Oh, okay. Okay.

MARISHA: So we're somewhere in Emon.

ORION: But I just had to pick the two.

MARISHA: So we could be in someone's living room right now?

ORION: I'll use Telekinesis to lift the Horn off the carpet.

MATT: Okay. You still have the spells?

ORION: Yeah, I can burn one from my Ioun stone.

LAURA: Should we wrap it at all?

TALIESIN: It'll be fine in the Bag of Holding.

LIAM: Not knowing what else to do, Vax is going to go to the door and just inspect it, see if it's trapped.

MATT: Roll a perception check.

LIAM: 24.

MATT: 24. All right, the door does appear to be locked. It is not trapped.

LIAM: Not trapped. Okay, I'll get to work on it, then. 32.

MATT: Okay, 32. You, relatively easy, the door comes unlocked, the small, it's like a very very intricately carved brass handle that has swirls upon it, like it's almost like a burst of wind being blown and frozen in gold. You turn it and the door opens slightly.

LIAM: Pull up, I'm still wearing my tin hat and I pull up my hood from my elven cloak, and I go stealth. And I am stealthed, because that's a 32. And I have a look around outside the door.

MATT: Okay. As you open the doorway, it leads into a secondary chamber. This is an 80-foot-diameter circular chamber now, so you're entering the edge of a giant circle. There are a series of other doors, almost in respective rows next to each other, and you also see, in the center of the room, a vibrant chandelier made of white crystal like the spheres you saw in the previous room you were in, giving off a warm, atmospheric glow to the entire room. In the center of the room, there is a semi-circle desk that is also made of a similar white stone material that the rest of the room is made out of, with polished gold leaf trimming on the edge, and you do see what looks to be an elven man sitting at the desk, longish gray-white hair, he's wearing robes that are finely dressed, and he's half-falling asleep at a desk with a series of books kind of piled up on the side. As soon as the doorway opens, he looks up, and you hear a slight little arcane tinging sound, like a little bell being rung, as you open the door. He looks up for a second.

LAURA: Say hello.

LIAM: Yes yes yes. I just walk forward and pull down the cloak and say, “Hello.”

MATT: “Stay right where you are! Do not move!”

LIAM: Hands up in the air.

MATT: “Do not move!”

LIAM: Nothing in them. No threat, no danger here. A little lost, apparently.

MATT: “Apparently.”

LIAM: Yes.

MATT: “Who else is in, who else goes there? Who else, please, step outside! Reveal yourselves!”

LIAM: They're–



ASHLEY: Hello.

SAM: (pterodactyl screech)

MATT: As soon as he sees you, he goes, (screams).

ORION: I cast Dispel Magic on Scanlan.

SAM: Do you have it anymore?

ORION: Yeah, I do.

SAM: You just did it to me earlier in this round.

ORION: No, Counterspell, and I Silenced you, this is Dispel Magic, which ends your spell.

MATT: Okay. (laughs)

SAM: Oh. Hello.

MATT: So as you cast the spell and transform, he stops in the middle of casting a spell reflexively and goes, “Oh. And a bear. Interesting.”

ORION: He's friendly.

SAM: He's real.

LIAM: I have a very long, very strange story, every word of which is true, and if you will give me five minutes, I swear I can convince you–

MATT: He opens a book and starts thumbing through the pages.

LIAM: No ill intent. Intent? Yes.

MATT: “We have no expected arrivals at this hour. I need to know your business, your names, and your affiliations immediately.”

MARISHA: We will totally do that when we know–

LAURA: We are affiliated with the king.

LIAM: Yeah, emperor. Just tell the emperor that Vox Machina has returned from Kraghammer, and we have news for him, and–

MATT: “Well.”

LAURA: We were on very secret business for the crown, actually. And that is why you weren't informed of our business.

ORION: Yeah, I'm Tiberius Stormwind. How are you?

MATT: Make a persuasion check.

LAURA: Okay.

TRAVIS: Did you wink?

ORION: I'm responsible for casting the spell to get us here to begin with.

LAURA: (laughs) With advantage.

LIAM: Yes.

LAURA: That would be a 20– no. 35.

MATT: All right. He looks to you, as you guys are saying, he–

LAURA: That's not possible. 25.

MATT: 25.


MATT: He stands up from the desk and gives you all a look-over and says, “Well, I am Gatekeeper Xanthas, I am the evening keeper of the Traverse Junction here in the– it's the Traverse Junction.”

ORION: Gatekeeper?

MATT: “Here within the Lyceum. The hour is late. We are two hours past midnight.”

TALIESIN: Well, I am Percival Fredrickstein Von Musel Klossowski de Rolo III, and, hello, and we would love to report to the emperor of your great hospitality at this unfortunately early hour, and we would look forward to reporting of all of your kindness and good housekeeping.

LIAM: I imagine he would be very upset if we were delayed. We come with very grave news.

TALIESIN: I would hope not to imagine it.

MATT: “Well. I'm certain the Headmaster would like to know your business in the morning.”


MATT: “Headmaster Thurmond. He runs this Alabaster Lyceum within the Erudite Quarter. If you would please submit a report for your reasons for using the Lyceum Junction property by tomorrow, I'm sure that would suffice for the required paperwork.”

LAURA: Of course we will.

TALIESIN: You are too kind.

LAURA: In the meantime, we'll just go to our Keep that we have in town.

ORION: Greyskull Keep.

MATT: Gives you a very, a disbelieving look and kinda goes, “Very well.”

TALIESIN: Good day, good evening.

SAM: I cast Friends on him and I tell him, “You know of our Keep, don't you?”

MATT: Okay. He goes, “I seem to recall hearing about a Vox Machina at some point discussed, but I don't get out very often. Running the graveyard shift here at the Lyceum has taken its toll on my social life.”

LAURA: You poor thing, you should get out more.

MATT: “Well here, let me show you out.” And he walks you through the rest of the hallways. It's a beautiful, beautiful kind of domed center chamber into a long series of white stone hallways, similar material to what the first room you arrived in looked like. Eventually to a main foyer area, which has a very high ceiling and a series of beautifully carved pillars that show different creatures, almost like devas and demons battling each other as they spiral up these pillars, to the front doorways. There are two guards that are adorned in kinda silver and gold armor with these very high, elven in design-shaped helmets, and they step to the side as the doors open on their own.

LAURA: Love the hat.

MATT: Guards do not respond to you whatsoever, they just step to the side. Gatekeeper says, “All right, well, here is your way out, have a wonderful evening and do please return for your report on the morrow.”

LAURA: Of course.

SAM: Oh, one more question before you leave, what district are we in right now?

MATT: “The Erudite Quarter.”

SAM: Thank you.

TRAVIS: Gesundheit.

MATT: “Good night.” The doors slam (boof) behind you as you guys exit, and you're now–

LAURA: Holy shit, we survived! What was that?

MARISHA: Oh my god! Keyleth just goes down on her knees and starts kissing the ground.

TALIESIN: Well, that could've gone worse.

MARISHA: Oh, we're home.

ASHLEY: I just want to get in my bed so bad.

MARISHA: Look! Stars!

MATT: You look up and, for the first time in close to a week, you can see stars, you can see a crescent moon, probably just past its single quarter phase. It is a sight for sore eyes right now.

ASHLEY: I'm so happy.

TRAVIS: Would you say it's a beautiful sight?

MATT: Currently? The most beautiful night sky you've seen in all of your years.

TRAVIS: I ruin it with a fart.


ORION: I'm glad you held that the whole time we were down there, Grog.

TRAVIS: I've had horrible stomach pains this whole time, I'm sorry.

LAURA: What, are we just carrying around this stone Kima with us, or are we taking her back to our–

LIAM: Yes, but don't stand right in front of her when you undo the stone.

ORION: Actually, hold on a minute, let's all rest before we deal with this one.


ASHLEY: No, because I want to be able to have an extra 5th-level spell.

TRAVIS: Oh, right.

LAURA: But we're in town now, so we're safe.

ASHLEY: Yeah, let's go to the Keep.

LAURA: Yeah, so it'll be fine.


SAM: It's a long way. We've got to go across the whole town to get there.

LAURA: Well, we've got a fucking flying carpet.

SAM: We do have a flying carpet.

TALIESIN: The metro's running at this hour.

LIAM: We can probably flag down a wagon, too.

LAURA: Yeah, we're in town!

LIAM: Yeah.

LAURA: Fuck it. Everything's possible.

TALIESIN: Let's go drinking.

MARISHA: I was going to say, what bars are open?

LIAM: We've got a lot of bling and a cursed Horn. The sky's the limit.

ASHLEY: I know, should we go to a tavern and get some ale?

SAM: What, who are you?

TRAVIS: Really? You mean it?

ASHLEY: Well what do you mean, do I mean it?

TRAVIS: It's all empty, can we fill it please?

ASHLEY: It's all empty?

MARISHA: We should get some ale. Wait, maybe we should drop off the Bag of Holding so we're not carrying it around.

TRAVIS: And the stone gnome.

MARISHA: And then go out drinking.

LIAM: We don't want to lose it in a game of cards.

MARISHA: Yes, exactly. Exactly.

TRAVIS: And stone Kima.

SAM: We'll be fine, we've never lost it before. There's eight of us, we'll be fine, let's go drinking.

ASHLEY: How far is the Keep from here?

MATT: I'd say it's probably a good hour walk.

MARISHA: Oh, we've got time.

TALIESIN: We could do a pub crawl, we'll just have a beer at every pub we hit on the way back to the Keep.

MARISHA: Yes, let's do that! Pub crawl!

ALL: Pub crawl!

MARISHA: We're going to pub crawl back to the Keep.

LIAM: Starting here at Geek & Sundry.

ASHLEY: But should I go just in a bush just behind and–

SAM: Do you have to pee or something?

ASHLEY: No, and cast Greater Restoration on Kima?

ALL: No!

SAM: We want to enjoy this.

ORION: She doesn't have a sense of time, she won't know.

SAM: Or humor.

TRAVIS: Let's put her in the bag. She's made of stone!

LAURA: We won't tell her how much time has passed.

TALIESIN: We'll un-stone her once we're back at the Keep.

TRAVIS: She's stone. Stone doesn't breathe. Right?

TALIESIN: It'll be fine.

SAM: We don't know.

LAURA: Do not put her in the Bag of Holding! Do not.


LIAM: For the record, I think she'd be fine, too. But we could bring her around and introduce her; it could be like Weekend at Bernie's.


TRAVIS: Ah, yes! I put a fancy robe around Kima's stone statue.

LAURA: This is so messed up.

MATT: All right, so as you guys begin making your celebratory pub crawl, starting with the Laughing Lamia Tavern, you buy drinks, laugh, chatter, and kind of take in the lively atmosphere that you would find at 3AM. Which is a little, at this point most of the fun folk are pretty drunk, but at this point you don't care, you'll take your own, and we'll take a quick five-minute break to use the bathroom and we'll pick up from there in just a moment, we'll see you guys here in five minutes to continue.

TRAVIS: We lived!

MARISHA: We lived!

MATT: Holy shit, guys.

ORION: I was fine.


[dramatic music] [introductory video]

Part II[]

MATT: Welcome back. We got a little refresher here and apparently our Overlord has an announcement.

ZAC: You guys, we're only four away from another giveaway, which is–

LUCAS: Two away!

ZAC: Two away, you know what, I'm guessing this is, we're going to get that before I even get back to my seat, so we're going to go do the giveaway. It's the shirt, the dice, the handbook, and the starter set. The handbook and the shirt will be signed by the cast.

MATT: Yep.

ZAC: And we still have, if we get to 400, correct, next? Lucas?

LUCAS: Yeah. 3,400.

MATT: 3,400.

ZAC: If we get to 3,400 by the end of the night, we'll give away a whole other kit like this, with the signed stuff, so you get to subscribe and it supports the channel, keeps us running. I'm not going to interrupt these guys, so when we hit the number I'm just going to give it away through the chat room.

MATT: Awesome, guys. Well done and congrats to whoever ends up getting that, real fast I hope. So, thank you Overlord.

TALIESIN: Oh wait, this is in here. Can I throw this? Oh no.

MATT: Pass it off, it's fine.

TALIESIN: You get the horn.

LAURA: Can I hold it for a second?


ORION: No. Oh, I mean in real life. Yeah.


ORION: I was like, don't touch it.

MATT: So. Eventually you all manage to make your way towards the outer wall of Emon to the southern portion of the city. The guards let you through. Two of them recognize you from the Winter's Crest celebration that occurred about seven months beforehand. Don't do that, that's going to end poorly. You make your way around the bend to the large grass hill that is surrounded by the river that skirts the outer southern portion of Greyskull Keep. Looking up, you can see against the moonlight the very welcome sight of your home there, beckoning to you to rest. You make your way to the front gates that surround the outskirts of it, and an iron bell kind of goes off for a second, and as you look up, you hear a voice go, “Who goes there? Speak your mind, or a bolt to the throat you'll find.”

MARISHA: Shayne, is that Shayne?

ORION: Is it dark right now?

MATT: It's dark, yes.

ORION: I cast Light. “It's us!”

MATT: Okay, a light pierces off, and you guys look up and you can see, sitting on kind of the watchtower perch–

MARISHA: Or wait, is that Jarett?

MATT: No, you see up there, short, rough red hair, Shayne Tranter, one of the mercenaries you hired–

MARISHA: Oh, it is Shayne, I was right the first time!

MATT: She's got her crossbow ready to go, and she's just kind of sitting back and pointing it at the group, and she goes,

LIAM: Hello! Hi!

LAURA: Hope you remember us!

MARISHA: Shayne!

TALIESIN: We're drunk!

SAM: We pay you!

MATT: She laughs. Takes her crossbow, sets it to her side.

ASHLEY: We forgot our key!

MATT: “Well, aren't you a sight for sore eyes? It's been nearly a week since you left.”

LAURA: That's it?

SAM: Feels like a month.

ASHLEY: Feels like three months.

TALIESIN: Feels like eleven weeks. It feels like a very long time.

MATT: “Well, it's probably closer to two weeks. Fair enough. Either way. Open the gates! Cordell, open the gates!”

SAM: Cordell? I don't remember the names of any of our guards.

MATT: Cordell, he's one of the other half-orc guards that you hired when you left.

MARISHA: We have Shayne, Cordell, Jarett, Kendrick, and Nitebe.

LAURA: Jarett was the one we appointed as the head guard, right? Captain?

MARISHA: Jarett? I think so. I didn't write that part down.

LAURA: I don't remember about the little fellow.

SAM: Our staff is so unappreciated, guys.

MATT: So as the gate slowly opens, Cordell walking out, this is the hearty half-orc merc dressed in scale armor, and he has a large sword slung on his back, just shoves it open to about a two-foot distance. “Come on. Welcome home.” As each of you guys walk through, he kinda claps you on the back as you walk in. You make your way into the small courtyard leading to– making your way into Greyskull Keep. Towards the front door, as you get there, the front door opens on its own as you're about ten feet away and peering from the inside of the low-lit interior you see a woman's face, a plump blond woman's face, peek through. This is Laina. Laina goes, “Oh, you're back, fantastic! It's "early.” And she rubs her face and you see as she pushes the door open a little more, she's wearing her nightgown, and she's excited but still very tired. “Come in, come in, come in, please, please! Who's that?” And points to the large stone statue you're dragging behind you.

LAURA: Oh, we decided to get a statue for the garden.

TALIESIN: Garden gnome.

MATT: “Very well, very well, come in.”



TRAVIS: He's drunk.

TALIESIN: I'm drunk!

MATT: So the human woman leads you all back in.

LAURA: Put the gun down, Percy.

ASHLEY: Bad News.

LIAM: It's not Cinco de Mayo.

MATT: She steps back with her knitted boots; she's definitely in comfortable mode. She eagerly hugs each of you as you enter, happy that you've all arrived, she's like, “I swear it's– I've not had an employer leave so quickly after my hiring. But glad to see you're all safe. Shall I make everyone a meal, are you hungry?”

MARISHA: Starving.


MATT: “I'll get right to it.” And she turns around, and you see further down the hallway Erwen Dastell, your older halfling servant who shuffles up with his nightcap on, it's long and dangling off his shoulders, he's got this long night robe on, he's kinda carrying a small candle. “My goodness. The hour is late of your arrival, but I can't say I am not excited to see you. Come in, your beds are ready, everything's been cleaned and made to your specifications. Laina! To food!” “I'm already on it, Erwen.” She kinda smacks him on the back. He says, “Very well, then.”

SAM: I love their banter.

LAURA: Yeah, they're so cute.

MATT: “I will go back to bed, if that's fine with you.”

SAM: Is there any urgent, oppressing news, any visitors that we should know about who came while we were gone, anything before you retire for the evening?

MATT: “No, I believe your friend, the mage woman with the blue robes came by once.”

SAM: Allara?

MATT: “Allura. She came by a couple days ago, just to see if you had returned. But I didn't know where you were, and she said she'd try again later.”

SAM: Any packages, mail, post?

MATT: “None that I know of, no. In fact it's been very quiet.”

SAM: All right, thank you.

LAURA: All right.

TALIESIN: Quiet is good.

MATT: “Back to my quarters.” And he shuffles off, goes towards his bed. You guys make your way into the main dining chamber of your Keep, four large round tables set out with the chairs around it. You can see, for the most part, it's been untouched other than a couple of chairs that are set ajar, probably by your mercenary soldiers who've been eating and/or have been keeping up. There's a couple of empty tables set on the side that immediately Laina goes, “I'm so sorry, I guess I should've taken care of this.” And she stumbles off towards the kitchen and you guys all eventually find yourselves sitting, sore, exhausted, mildly intoxicated, around these chairs and take a very deep-breathing sigh of relief at being back home here in Emon in Greyskull Keep.

SAM: Should we un-stone Kima, or should we sleep on it?

ORION: I stand up and I head towards the sleeping quarters and I just say, “Leave her to stone tonight, we'll deal with it tomorrow.” And I go to bed.

SAM: I turn him into a rat.

LIAM: Dispel Magic.

MATT: Go ahead and make a wisdom saving throw, Tiberius.

ORION: Hold on a sec. I can still cast as an animal, right?

SAM: Nope.

MATT: Nope, you cannot talk.

ORION: Oh. I still go to bed.


ORION: So yeah.

TRAVIS: Hoo baby.

LAURA: That's adorable.

MATT: You go under your covers, go to sleep, nuzzle in.

ORION: In between my pillow.

MARISHA: It's quite comfy sleeping like an animal.

ASHLEY: He's a little rat and he still went in his big bed.

LIAM: I pick up the sleeping rat and just kinda scritch him.

LAURA: He's in bed.

LIAM: It's all right, he's fine. Look, see, his leg's going, he's dreaming about something nice.

TRAVIS: We ate already, right?

MATT: You snacked a bit as you made it through the town, but for the most part like, a meal's being prepared. You begin to smell now the cooking of meat, Laina's setting it up for you guys.

LIAM: You're dreaming of magical artifacts, aren't you?

LAURA: Quick question, friends: So we kind of started a war, am I right?

LIAM: Yeah. Pretty sure we did.

LAURA: Kraghammer is potentially in grave danger, am I right?

MARISHA: We might want to let them know.

LAURA: We should probably let them know as soon as possible.

LIAM: First of all, Clarota was lying through his noodles, and second, even if he wasn't, which he was, he's now fucking pissed off–

LAURA: He's dead.

LIAM: Well, they're all one hive-mind, right? Listen. This is number five tonight.

TALIESIN: They weren't particularly connected until the very end, he was dead before they were actually connected.

LIAM: They're angry. They were following us.

TALIESIN: They may not know who we are.

MARISHA: That's interesting.

LIAM: You don't think they're going to scurry up the bottom of Kraghammer and tear that place apart?

TALIESIN: We'll let them know, but we may have time, we hurt them very badly.

LIAM: It took us about a week to get from Kraghammer in, so we've got about a week.

MARISHA: Well, why don't we do some research, I mean, this was the first time.

SAM: Yeah, we'd have to stop them on the way out the hole, right? There's only one way in and out.

ASHLEY: Don't the dwarves already know that they were there, and they were already prepping for battle?

SAM: They don't really know what's coming for them.

LIAM: They don't know anything about mind flayers, they know about weird things coming out, but not the mind flayers.

TRAVIS: So let's send a pigeon or something.

TALIESIN: The mind flayers have been down there for ages. There's nothing new.

LAURA: You don't think they'll come up and attack?

MARISHA: To be fair, we also did sort of release the mind flayers from their evil dictator.

LIAM: Yeah, they seemed very grateful.

SAM: We could stop them on their way out.

TALIESIN: I think this will also be a conversation that Lady Kima will have some–

MARISHA: Okay, well, the thing we then need to immediately decide, before we un-stone Lady Kima, is what're we going to do with the Horn?

TALIESIN: I think if we have Allura here, and begin that conversation, then we can have Allura's insight.

MARISHA: Before we un-stone Lady Kima?

TALIESIN: Yes. I think we tell Allura before we un-stone Lady Kima. Everything that's happened–

LIAM: The only person, the only person that would remotely know is you, Tiberius, and I don't think–

SAM: He's a rat.

LIAM: Oh, that's a good boy.

TRAVIS: And he's asleep.

LIAM: He didn't seem to know anything, I think Allura is the person to go to right now.

LAURA: Well, you need to share it with us.

ASHLEY: Wake up from bed!

TRAVIS: He's sleeping.

TALIESIN: No, let's wait until Allura's here, I think, and we can–

TRAVIS: Do we tell her, do we tell her we have the Horn? Or do we not?

LIAM: Yes, yes, we do.

MARISHA: Why don't we just wake up Tiberius?

LAURA: Tiberius. Little darling!

SAM: I'm still punishing him.

LIAM: I'm still cuddling him.

ORION: Did they wake me up?

LIAM: No! I'm holding you.

ORION: Okay.

LIAM: I don't want to wake you up.

MATT: You start to wake up, and then he scritches the side of your cheek and you go right back to sleep.

LAURA: Damn it, he's so cute. I don't know what to do.

MATT: Laina comes out with plates for you guys and sets up these–

TRAVIS: Thank. God.

MATT: They're not pretty, but functional meals of cooked pork, some fine mashed potatoes.

TRAVIS: I would like to eat.

MATT: And you do ravenously, and this is the first warm meal you've really truly had in five, six days.

TRAVIS: I take Lady Kima's portions and I–

MATT: There were no portions made for your garden structure.

TRAVIS: Never know.

MATT: That's okay, there's plenty more.

SAM: So talk to Allura first, then unfreeze Lady Kima?

LIAM: She sent us after Kima. Kima thinks that she's in the middle of a fight, the moment she comes out she'll be all hot and bothered–

MARISHA: Okay, hang on, hang on. That's true, she did send us after Kima, so what if they're both on the side that we don't–

TRAVIS: Yeah, Allura's going to unfreeze Kima.

TALIESIN: We're going to have to trust somebody.

TRAVIS: Why don't we just hold onto the Horn for a second and see what they do without it.

LAURA: Why don't we tell them we didn't find it? Why don't we just hide the Horn?

TRAVIS: We just hold onto it in the bag.

MARISHA: Don't we have a safe? Didn't we build a safe in our Keep?

MATT: You did not have a safe built, but you could possibly have that done.

ASHLEY: Wait, so why are you guys so against giving the Horn to Kima?

MARISHA: I just feel like if it's so terrible, why does she want it for herself?

LAURA: She doesn't, she wants to hide it.

ASHLEY: Does she want to destroy it?

LAURA: Maybe she wants to destroy it, maybe she wanted to get it up above ground so she could destroy it.

SAM: There's a second Horn, maybe she has the other one and wants the matching set.

TALIESIN: Do we know that there's a second horn?

LAURA: She's a paladin, she's good, paladins are good by–

SAM: I'm fine trusting her. I was fine trusting Clarota.

TRAVIS: Do you want to wake up, do you have something important to say?

MARISHA: Right, because no one of the church has ever been bad before.

LIAM: We didn't trust Clarota. We were using him as much as he was using us.

LAURA: Some of us truly trusted Clarota.

LIAM: It went south. Well, most of us.

TRAVIS: All right, fuck it, I walk over and I take the rat out of Vax's hands and I shake it awake.

SAM: He's still a rat!

TRAVIS: I shake it a lot.

MARISHA: I undo his Polymorph, I undo his Polymorph.

SAM and MATT: With what?

MARISHA: By Polymorph.

MATT: You re-Polymorph him?

MARISHA: Can I release Polymorph by using Polymorph?

MATT: No. It's his incantation.

TRAVIS: I spit on Tiberius's head and rub it in vigorously.

MARISHA: Scanlan, come on. We need to talk to him.

ORION: I'm trying to bite Grog. I am not happy.

MATT: It's like this viscous Grog spit mixed with chunks of pork and mashed potato rubbed in your fur.

MARISHA: Scanlan, he's nipping! Scanlan. Tiberius is nipping. Please.

SAM: All right, fine. He's a human thing again.

LIAM: He's not human at all.

SAM: A dragonborn.

ORION: Why did you wake me up? I was so comfy being furry!


ORION: I always have scales. It was nice having fur!

MARISHA: I told you. It's nice being cuddly.

ORION: I was so soft.

LAURA: Tiberius, we're sorry to wake you.

TALIESIN: Tiberius, we're having a lovely breakfast. Tell us a story.

ORION: Have I rested? What's going on?

MATT: No, it's been ten minutes.

ORION: What the fuck?


TRAVIS: Vex has a question for you.

MARISHA: We're all still drunk and awake. We don't want to go to bed yet! Just, just talk with us.

LAURA: I just want to hear your lovely little explanation, darling, about what the Horn is and why you don't trust Kima.


TALIESIN: Tell us a story.

MARISHA: Tell us a story!

LAURA: Please. You haven't told any of us anything.

MARISHA: We haven't talked to you in a week.

ORION: The Horn of Orcus.

MATT: Horn of Orcus.

ORION: This thing comes from a devil, a demon. Nothing good could ever come from anything it made in existence. It needs to be destroyed. And I'm sorry. Let me articulate these words a little bit more. There is nothing that you can use this particular artifact for any reason of good. The fact that it is even here is a very bad sign because it was taken from one of these beasts.

ASHLEY: So why don't we destroy it?

ORION: That's exactly what we need to do.

TRAVIS: Isn't that what Kima wanted?

LAURA: What if they want to destroy it?

ORION: I don't think they wanted to bring it back.

LAURA: Question. Why?

ORION: Because there is– the liquid hot magma that was below where it was being held was very sufficient for it to be thrown in.

MARISHA: That's true. See, I'm with him.

LAURA: Wait, but your crushing fist couldn't destroy it, so maybe lava can't destroy it, so maybe it needs something extra special that only they know about.

TRAVIS: It needs the Sword of Gryffindor.

ORION: No. Pike could destroy it.

ASHLEY: Ex-squeeze me? I don't think that's true.

ORION: Give yourself a little bit more credit. You killed a dragon.

LAURA and TRAVIS: You did kill a dragon.

ASHLEY: I did kill a dragon. Huzzah.

MARISHA: And you died. And come back to life. By the way, we haven't talked about that. What was it like on the other side?

TRAVIS: Let's stay on topic here.

MARISHA: Oh, I'm sorry. I'm a little tipsy.

LIAM: Vax shoves another flagon in front of Keyleth.

ASHLEY: I don't think I can destroy it.

TALIESIN: From what I understand– is it possible that it's not possible to destroy this and instead it has to be banished somewhere, perhaps?

ORION: No. If it could be a permanent banishment, yes. But we don't know what kind of plane and what creatures lie there that would, perhaps, come upon that artifact. What are the elements? Fire burns earth.

LAURA: Wind blows.

ORION: Light destroys darkness. Pike, you're the only one who–

SAM: Rock beats scissors.

ORION: Exactly, Scanlan. You're the only one who could– if your weapon had any kind of light enchantment on them, could probably smash this thing to bits. Then we would have to scatter the remnants, the pieces, far from each other, if not find different ways to destroy those pieces.

LAURA: Why don't you trust them?

ORION: Because it comes from something that would–

LAURA: Not the Horn. Why don't you trust Kima?

ORION: Because they wanted to bring it somewhere where they– I don't know. Which is why I wanted you to do the half thing, where we could question Kima without her attacking us or trying to attempt to take the Horn from us.

MARISHA: Well, here's my thing. Even if she has good intentions. Say she has good intentions and maybe they just wanted to bring the horn back to study it. And no one should be messing with this whatsoever.

LAURA: I think they want to destroy it.

TALIESIN: I'm of the opinion they probably want to banish it somewhere.

TRAVIS: Yeah, I think they do.

MARISHA: Then why don't we just agree to not hand it over.

TALIESIN: No, this is good. This means that there's no reason, necessarily, not to trust them. We just know that we don't trust the Horn, and that's a perfectly reasonable way to come at it.

LIAM: In the short term, Scanlan, are you able to send it to another dimension for a while?

LAURA: No, I don't trust it anywhere out of our sight.

SAM: I cannot. It is not alive. I cannot.

TRAVIS: Put it in the bag.

LAURA: It's in the bag.

TALIESIN: It's perfectly safe in the bag.

TRAVIS: How about we rest, we put the Horn in the bag, we wake up Kima, we go, “Oh, we brought you back, sorry we don't have the Horn. If we did, what would you do with it?” And then we decide what we do.

TALIESIN: I like half that plan.

MARISHA: I kind of like that plan.

ORION: I like that plan, too.

LAURA: I think we should tell her we didn't get it and see what she does.

ORION: Allura is somebody who should not be here when this conversation happens, because if they turn south, she's a more powerful sorcerer than I.

MARISHA: We need to decide, do we tell her that we destroyed it, or do we tell her that we just didn't get it and that it's still down there.

TRAVIS: We can't say destroyed because we don't know how we did that, right?

LAURA: No, we didn't destroy it. We say, “Oh no, they, we got overrun and we had to leave.”

TALIESIN: But then they're going to tell us to go back for it.

TRAVIS: That's fine, but if we ask like what she would've done if we had it, and when she leaves we go, “Hah, we have it.”

LAURA: Or we go, “Oh, well good, then actually we do have it, you can do that.”

TRAVIS: Yeah, if she wants to study it or use it or transform it into something, we don't give it to her, we try to destroy it ourselves. If she wants to banish it and do something that Tiberius is happy with, then we go like, “Hey, we have it.”

LIAM: When we meet her I don't think we should have it, I think one or two of us should take it away. We don't all have to be at that meeting.

TALIESIN: I think we just keep it in the Bag of Holding, she'll never suspect.

MARISHA: Well, hang on, it's in the Bag of Holding right now?

LAURA: Yeah.


ORION: Grog, is there nothing else in that bag of holding?

TRAVIS: Nothing it can, we took out all the stuff it can turn into some like evil transformer or something.

LIAM: You know, the other characters can make insight checks too, you know that, right?

MATT: There's a pile somewhere with armor.

TRAVIS: Everything has out with parentheses next to it.

LIAM: If we have it, then she's, she could say you're lying–

LAURA: Or she might not be able to tell because we're so good at lying.


LIAM: I don't think your winks will work on her.

SAM: Legitimately, no one can tell when I'm lying.

MARISHA: I mean, we could Stone Shape it and I could like Stone Shape it and bury it somewhere in our Keep.

TRAVIS: One person should leave with it. I'll leave with it.

LIAM: Yes, it's fucking simple.

TALIESIN: That's genius.

TRAVIS: Yeah, I'll leave. It's not like I'm going to talk to the sorcerers.

LIAM: You and I could take a walk with it and play tiddlywinks or something in the woods. That's fine, what's wrong with that, it's easy.

TALIESIN: That's a very good plan.

ORION: Do you want it very far away?

TRAVIS: Yeah, you're a talker, I'm not.

TALIESIN: No, we don't.

MARISHA: Wait. You're talking about just taking a stroll through the forest with the Horn of Orcus?

TRAVIS: No, I'll just hang out outside.

ORION: In the Keep, how about just stay in the Keep?

LIAM: Just be somewhere else. Anywhere else.

ASHLEY: You could hang out in the temple downstairs.

LAURA: I fall asleep on the table.

TRAVIS: Shall we sleep?

SAM: Let's sleep and meet with Kima in the morning.

TALIESIN: This was a fabulous breakfast, good night.

LIAM: Vax gives his sleeping sister a wet willie.


TRAVIS: I put my head right in my food and fall asleep.

MATT: Okay.

TALIESIN: Let's not forget, you've still got a funny toe.

SAM: I check my bed to make sure no one shat in it.


ORION: I did leave a little rat turd before I got scooped out. Just so you know.

LAURA: Trinket, let's go to bed.

MARISHA: I turn, I go Minxie and I curl up by the fire.

TRAVIS: Yeah, Minxie!

LIAM: Scanlan! Turn Tiberius back into a rat.

ORION: Oh yes, I'm going to bed.

LIAM: Back into a rat.

MARISHA: You can curl up with me.

SAM: Would you like to be a rat?

ORION: I like being furry.

SAM: Well then, no. I'm still punishing you.


ORION: That's fine. Have your fun tonight, people, you will have your licking in the morning. I go to sleep.

MATT: All right. You guys all go to rest for the evening, the best rest you've had in a long time, your beds are comfortable, well set, it's a warm interior.

ASHLEY: I'm starfished on my bed.

MATT: This is the first time in a while that Pike, you've been able to sleep without your armor on, and it's so nice.

LAURA: That's great.

MATT: You sleep hard, you sleep for an extended period, eventually you all begin to rouse, as you all wake up, the smell of fresh breakfast food is already coming to–

LAURA: That and Pike's stank from her armor.

MATT: Yeah, you're going to have to wash that armor, girl.

TRAVIS: It's like when you take a cast off, you're like, ugh.

MATT: It's bad.

MARISHA: Actually, is there a bath house in the village?

MATT: You haven't inquired. You could ask around if you want.

MARISHA: We should have a girls' day at the bath house.

ORION: I woke up and took a dirt bath.

LIAM: You're not a rat, though.

MATT: Yeah. Oh, but he didn't transform you, though.


MATT: He didn't transform you.

ORION: I know, in lizard form.

SAM: Gross.

ORION: In my form.

TALIESIN: That's awesome.

ORION: Scales, you rub it off with clay?

MATT: Yeah, there you go. Out in the front of the Keep.

LAURA: Gross!

ORION: I have a little dirt in my room.

LAURA: A little pile of grossness.

LIAM: We just don't fear for our lives for the first time.

SAM: Let's go down and have our meeting.

MATT: So you guys head down into the dining room again, Kima's still standing there with the maul, left where she was. Grog is still face-down like on the table, grabbed the plate up against his face with mashed potatoes across his cheek. Across the way at the far table, you see Cordell and Shayne are both finishing their breakfast, and are sitting there at the table with their arms kind of gathering as you enter. “Morning!” “Morning.” And they both kind of finish their meal. Get up and stand up. “Enjoy your breakfast. You've earned it.” “I think our shift is done.” She pats Cordell and they both get up and they exit out.

LAURA: Have a good night! I know, I know, but they're sleeping.

TRAVIS: I start awake with food on my face and I wipe it off and eat it. “I had a horrible dream about two walking testicles that were hurting my mind.”

SAM: That was no dream!


LIAM: I am so sad that you woke up. I was just about to go to the hearth and get some ash and draw a penis on your head.

TRAVIS: I had a feeling something was coming.

LIAM: Next thing out of my mouth, that's a promise.

ASHLEY: Where's the Bag of Holding?

TRAVIS: I've got it.

ASHLEY: Can you check in your bag to see if the Horn is still there?

LAURA: And it's okay?

TRAVIS: I look in the bag of holding and I see a Horn?

MATT: You look in the bag and you see nothing. You imagine something, you reach in, you pull it out.

TALIESIN: Don't do that.

LAURA: How are we going to get it out of there?

ORION: I can.

ASHLEY: Can you tell if it's in there?

SAM: Can you teleport something out of a bag?

ORION: It's Telekinesis, I can picture it and–

LAURA: Teleport it, can you pull it out and make sure it's still there and okay?

MATT: Okay. So you use Telekinesis, you lift the Horn out–

ORION: No, I don't do it. I'm assuming it's there. I'm not doing that right now.

LAURA: Wait, no, check though, I want to make sure it's okay.

ORION: I'm pretty sure it's there.

LAURA: But I want to make sure.

SAM: All right, I will check with Mage Hand or whatever, I got something else. Mage Hand, yeah, I'll Mage Hand it.

MATT: Mage Hand gently and slowly lifts it out, you can see the Horn kinda holds there for a second, it moves very slowly.

TRAVIS: Yeah, put it back in.

MATT: Put it back in the bag.

TRAVIS: Thank you, tie it up tight. I'm going to go down to the, what is it, the temple below the thingie?

ASHLEY: Okay, yeah, go down to the temple.

TRAVIS: All right, I'm going to go play in the dark with myself. That sounded wrong.

MATT: Okay, so you head down into the temple to Sarenrae, which is beautiful, it's all like a giant two-story stained glass three-set walls with trees and hedges set up and flowers, bunch of wooden kind of long benches set up towards this, the altar in the center, it's beautiful, especially this time of day, it's close to noon right now so the sun's streaking through the top of it, and it's cascading through the tree boughs of the two trees that are closest to the entrance. It's a beautiful sight. Even you, Grog, are moved.

TRAVIS: Just because I'm nervous, I reach into the Bag of Holding and pull out a vial of holy oil that I have. I have three vials of holy oil and I just hold it in one hand while I'm down there.

MATT: All right. So while he's down there, the rest of you guys, what're you doing?

ORION: I'm going to cast Circle of Teleportation in my room.

MATT: Okay.

ORION: No, I'm going to go to the treasury first, I'm going to take out 500 gold pieces, and then I'm going to go to my room and cast Circle of Teleportation.

MATT: Okay. Tiberius is gone.

SAM: Let's heal Kima.

LAURA: You just left us?

ORION: By the blessing of Bahamut, I choose Draconia.

MATT: Tiberius is gone.

ASHLEY: Okay, so, I'm going to stand behind Kima and–

TALIESIN: We're going to face her towards the wall.

ASHLEY: Face her towards the wall.

LIAM: Good idea.

ASHLEY: Or towards something happy.

TALIESIN: We're ready to pull you away when she starts to move.

ASHLEY: Yeah, okay. So.

MARISHA: Wait! Are we unfreezing her?


MARISHA: No, I thought we were going to talk to Allura first.

LAURA: No, we're going to talk to her first.

MARISHA: Oh wait, that's right. And we were going to do that thing.

LAURA: You were drunk, it's okay.

MARISHA: That's right, I was probably tipsy, sorry. We came up with like eight plans last night.

LAURA: You were so drunk.

SAM: Wait, shouldn't Grog be here, he's the one who likes her.

TRAVIS: Oh, the things I sacrifice for the group.

ASHLEY: So I cast Greater Restoration on Kima.

LAURA: And then run away!

MATT: Okay, you reach out and touch the back of Kima. Her stone armor turns to gold and rapidly her entire form goes back to flesh. As she finishes her swing with the maul (impact sound) against the stone wall. And she kinda steps back for a second, confused, and looks over her shoulder at the rest of you.

SAM: Everything's okay, everything's okay, we're out of danger, we're at home, it's okay.

LAURA: It's fine, it's fine, guess what, we are alive.

SAM: We lived.

MATT: Just drops the maul for a second and kinda leans back against the wall.

MARISHA: I just get the leftover mashed potatoes from breakfast.

MATT: “Thank you, thank you, oh thank you. What happened?” She's not even using utensils, she's just like scooping it with her hand at this point.

LAURA: So we killed K'Varn, right?

MATT: “Obviously.”

SAM: Funny story, you were right about Clarota. He was horrible, we killed him. We killed him! Hey, you were right.

LAURA: But not before we were overrun with a bunch of evil brothers of his.

TALIESIN: And we got a very fancy hat out of it.

LAURA: Hey, right, look at his hat.

SAM: We should've known all along, you were right, we should've trusted you, sorry.

MATT: “It's all right. He had his uses, certainly.”

LIAM: You were right, we were wrong, you're very attractive, we're all quite ugly.

MATT: “That isn't necessary, but the compliment is appreciated, regardless. Thank you for bringing me back with you. You could have easily left me back and I appreciate that you took the time.”

SAM: So, you're alive, that's good because you were sorta on a suicide mission.

MATT: “Not a suicide mission.”

LAURA: What exactly was your mission, Kima?

MATT: “Where's the Horn?”

LAURA: Well, thing is, it's not here.

MATT: “All right. It's not with the illithid, is it?”

SAM: It's in a safe place.

MATT: “How safe?”

LAURA: Pretty safe.

TALIESIN: Why, what can it do?

MATT: She looks visually nervous and she goes–

LAURA: Nothing can touch it.

MATT: “Well, that's what the Order that originally sealed it believes. Even if it's somewhere safe temporarily, we can possibly relocate it. But we have to– (sighs)”

LIAM: You saw your mission as a suicide mission, but if you had secured it, what were your plans? What was plan B? What were you going to do?

MATT: “Well, if I were to fall in the process of trying to get the Horn, others would come after me. I sent word to my Order that if I did not return they would send more.”

LAURA: Can I insight?

MATT: Go for it, yeah, go ahead and roll insight.

LAURA: 19.

SAM: Ooh!

MARISHA: Whisper time! Sweet, sweet whispers.

SAM: Keep subscribing, guys, because whispering action doesn't come free.

MARISHA: How many subscribers away are we?

LUCAS: 38.

MARISHA: 38 subscribers.

TRAVIS, MARISHA, and SAM: That's a lot.

MARISHA: That is still a lot.

SAM: Keep subscribing to Geek and Sundry, where you can watch Matt Mercer whisper at people.

MATT: And she goes, “So this Horn, which is one of two, if Allura is correct, was sealed a thousand or so years ago by those who originally cut it from the head of the avatar of Orcus of which it was bestowed. They, once he was slain, did everything they could within their power to destroy it, yet this artifact, instilled with the purity of Orcus, was indestructible to their knowledge. So the least they could do was to seal both horns across the world from each other and forget that it even existed. Which worked well ntil recently. It wasn't until these visions came to me and other members of my Order that we knew that this, this was a thing, and me being the closest in my pilgrimage, we took that as time of the essence I was to go in there with a team and retrieve it. If it couldn't be destroyed, at the very least we could convene and decide a safer place to possibly reseal it and forget. There are magical ways of forcing those of us who know how to forget. That would be the safest thing for it. If there is a way to destroy it, we don't know, but that could also be sought after. We have arcane and divine knowledge we didn't have back then, so, in the long run it needs to be retrieved, the longer it stays down there in the Underdark, no matter where you placed it, it draws like a beacon all darkness to it until something else like this beholder K'Varn will take up the mantle and themselves be as dangerous or more so than he ever was.”

LAURA: So the other Horn is still safe?

MATT: “As far as I know. The visions only gave me access to where this one was. I can only assume that it's out there, but if someone else were to find it, I would know that they probably have knowledge of the second one existing, as well. I don't know if K'Varn shared this information, but if someone else takes the mantle of this Horn, what's to stop them from seeking the other?”

LIAM: Bummer.


MATT: “Regardless, I appreciate that we're all alive and we're together, and where are we?”

LAURA: Oh, you're in our home.

SAM: Greyskull Keep. It's in Emon.

MATT: “We're in Emon?”

SAM: Yes.

MATT: “Well, that's wondrous, we can speak with Allura. She would have the wisdom to know what to do with this next.”

SAM: Hypothetical. What if an army of darkness was slowly approaching Emon to kill all of us?

MATT: “What are you saying?”

SAM: Well, we killed Clarota and K'Varn, but we, there was a lot of bad guys down there that we could not kill–

LAURA: We hurt that Elder Brain real bad, but not bad enough.

MATT: “I don't know much about the illithid themselves, but they reside deep and they are not fans of the surface. I believe that it was K'Varn's initial onset that was pushing them, both in union with the duergar and pushing them towards the siege. They spoke of something about bringing twilight to the surface world. I don't know what that was about, but I fear what knowledge they have if left alone. At the very least, I know that they're probably having to return and lick their wounds where we left behind. It would be folly for them, especially knowing that we're aware, to attack now.”

LAURA: Okay, that's good.

MATT: “But we can notify those in Kraghammer to buffer their defenses, close the tunnels that you took down there and my army as well, and that should give us time to prepare if we choose to seize or at least seal them off.”

LAURA: And your Order is what?

MATT: “The Order of the Platinum Dragon.”

LAURA: Right. That's a really good Order, right?

TALIESIN: History check, can I do a history check?

MATT: It's a religion check.

TALIESIN: That's a religion check, not history check?


MATT: You could roll a history check and probably gain some knowledge based on that, but the–

ASHLEY: Could I do it?

MATT: If you'd like to.

ASHLEY: Are you doing a religion check, Percy?

TALIESIN: I'm doing a history check, if you want to do a religion check.

ASHLEY: I'll do a religion check.

MATT: Go for it.


ASHLEY: So fucking close.

MATT: I mean, you guys are familiar loosely with the name Bahamut, you've heard Tiberius bring it up before, you've seen temples to it, but your knowledge knows that Bahamut is very well regarded as the lawful good deity of justice and honor and is primarily one of the great good gods of this pantheon.

TALIESIN: If we're going to trust anyone, I think this is a good–

TRAVIS: Yeah, I feel pretty good about this.

TALIESIN: I trust the organization, they have a sterling reputation.

MARISHA: So, Kima. Pie-in-the-sky goal? You would destroy the Horn?

MATT: “If we had the means of doing so, yes. We'd have to talk to the Order, we'd have to talk to the Council, we'd have to bring people that we could trust and that had the capabilities of knowing if this were possible how we would go about it. It's beyond my knowledge.”

LIAM: I think what worries us is anyone coming in contact with it would be corrupted.

MATT: “Don't go into contact with it.”


LIAM: No, of course.

MARISHA: Just within range.

SAM: Yes, is proximity okay?

MATT: “I don't know, I saw it for as long as you did.”

LAURA: This could be bad.

SAM: Evil Grog?

LAURA: Kind of uncomfortable.

MATT: “The essence of most artifacts like this, it goes more than just touch, one has to be imbued, bond with these artifacts, to attune with them like any powerful magical item to truly gain its power, but that's not to say that itself does not contain some sort of foul intelligence.”

ASHLEY: Can I go downstairs and go get Grog?

MATT: Okay. So you walk your way down.

TRAVIS: (sings) I've got a lovely bunch of coconuts.

MATT: As you're walking past, as you walk past you are immediately met in the hallway by Erwen, your servant, your halfling elder servant who walks up and says, “Dear, I wanted to let you know that a scroll came for you, some sort of a summons.” And he hands it to you.


SAM: Probably jury duty.

MATT: And he kinda walks past you in the tunnel.

TALIESIN: Always the worst time.

MATT: You open it up a little bit, it's not, hasn't been opened, you kinda pull the paper and open it up. It's a summon to the Council of Tal'Dorei, it's written by the hand of the clerk, and it says, essentially, the sovereign Uriel has been notified of your arrival and would like to see you at the council chambers posthaste.

ASHLEY: Okay. I'm still going to go get Grog, but I'll pass the scroll around. Hey Grog, come upstairs.

TRAVIS: Oh yeah?

MARISHA: That was for all of us?

LAURA: Yeah.

MATT: It was addressed to Vox Machina.

TRAVIS: Is it clear?

ASHLEY: Just don't say anything yet, but just come upstairs.

TRAVIS: Did she ask about me?

LAURA: She definitely did.

ASHLEY: She did, yeah.

TRAVIS: With my bald head.

MATT: All right. You make your way back in, Kima finishes her meal, and you guys are chatting a bit, she's just like, “All right, if I may ask, how did you seal it? I feel uncomfortable knowing the process and that it's at least safe.”

MARISHA: Oh, we have one of the best defense mechanisms. Grog!

TRAVIS: Hello, Lady Kima.

LAURA: It's in a very secure magical item.

MATT: She glances at you and goes, “All right, very well. Just be mindful that you don't go reaching in there.”

MARISHA: I use my Druidcraft as he enters to make little sparkles and lightning bugs appear around him. “Grog!”

MATT: Lady Kima, who is currently covered in dirt and sweat, still in the golden armor that she wrestled from the long-dead corpse of a dwarf in the Underdark, her chin is smattered with dried mashed potatoes and a bit of her breakfast, kinda gives–

LAURA: So she's covered in food as well.

MATT: (laughs) Gives you a look as you're walking in like. “It's good to see you alive, friend.”

TRAVIS: Yeah, more than alive, I think.

ASHLEY: And also, he actually pulled you out of the cavern with one arm while you were stone. Out of the whole place.

TRAVIS: Oh, stop, I don't like to brag.

MATT: She stands up and kinda wipes the food off her chin, clutches her symbol, and then steps right before you, looking up towards your face and says, “I thank you, friend Grog.”

LAURA: Friendzoned!

MATT: And then reaches out and gives you a big hug.

LIAM: Plus he decided not to put you in the magical bag when you were a statue.

MATT: She releases Grog slightly, and kinda gives you a keen look and goes, “Also appreciated.”

TRAVIS: Yeah, well, you know.

LAURA: Oh my god, thank god.

SAM: Why don't you go rest? We'll summon Allura and we'll continue the conversation from there, I guess.

MATT: “Please, I'd love to see her, it's been too long. All right, I'm going to, is there a room I could rest?”


TRAVIS: You could use my room.

TALIESIN: There's a guest room.

LAURA: Yes, we have a guest room.

SAM: We should use it.

ORION: I would've had your back, by the way, there.

TRAVIS: Thank you.

MATT: Erwen, who's by the door, leads her to the guest room and you guys take a moment to rest. We'll go ahead and pick up next session at that point, where Allura's being brought in, so we'll stop the game there as I have to rush to the airport, but before that we have some gifts to open from you guys.

TRAVIS: You're rushing to the airport tonight?

MATT: Huh?

TRAVIS: You're rushing to the airport tonight?

MATT: Yeah, I got a redeye, 1AM. To be in Sandusky, Ohio. At Collisi–er no, Collosalcon. Please come.

TRAVIS: You're going to do the waterslides, right? You won't ride waterslides?

MATT: It'll be fun. Guys, thank you so much for watching, that was a lot of fun.

SAM: We lived!

MATT: And everyone lived! Barely.

MARISHA: We lived!

MATT: Barely, oh my god.

MARISHA: Holy shit, we lived.

TRAVIS: One roll away from her being–

ASHLEY: That was rough.

MATT: Her and Scanlan.

LAURA: One point, twice.

MATT: Twice for you.

TRAVIS: Twice.

TALIESIN: I'm going to go get our d20s back.

MARISHA: Crazyballs. Oh yeah. We had two sparkles and a green one.

ASHLEY: I was just rolling bad.

ZAC: Hey, guys. We got some gifts for you from the chatroom. Some letters.

LIAM: I got an Asus computer with an “aren't we clever” sticker on it?


ZAC: Man, I'll give you an “aren't we clever” sticker if you want, it's worth about the same. We also have some donations to read off.


ZAC: So guys, as long as we're live, that subscriber giveaway still stands.

LAURA: How far away are we from it?

ZAC: 36 subs away from another giveaway. All right.

MATT: All right.

ZAC: If you want to go ahead and, actually I don't know if she wanted this to be read. Oh, okay, but this is cool. Do you want to hand me those disposable cameras? Where did he go? Oh, I lost him.

MATT: Essentially it says, “Vox Machina, I have sent you a disposable camera. Basically I had this idea to send this to you and have you guys go crazy, fill up the camera with random shenanigans, whether it's behind-the-scenes, setup during a stream, or elsewise of your shoes, and then once you guys have filled both cameras, you can send them back with the already printed label included in the box I sent this in, send it back to me, I can get the pictures printed and doubled and then send you guys a set back once they're developed.”

MARISHA: Aw, that's a good idea!

MATT: “I thought it'd be something different for you guys to do, hopefully you enjoy it and I can't wait to hear back from you. Becca.”

MARISHA: That's fun!

MATT: Thank you so much, Becca.

MARISHA: Awesome.

ASHLEY: Thank you, Becca.

MATT: Yeah, we'll keep the rest to ourselves. We've got an awesome picture of Grog and Mustang Scanlan. Look at that.

TALIESIN: (sings) Mustang Scanlan.

TRAVIS: Horse head. Evil horse head of doom.

LAURA: Nice.

TALIESIN and MARISHA: (sing) Slow your mustang down.

MATT: All right, here we go.

ZAC: All right, so let's get through these messages here.

MATT: All right, let's get this going, because I've got to get running soon.

LAURA: All right.

MATT: All right, we have Jasonofarabia, heart, “Got up at 5am to watch you guys live, great show.” That's awesome, donated $100.

MARISHA: We're your morning show?

MATT: That's awesome. Cole donated $100. “#Percypower.”

TRAVIS and ASHLEY: Percy power!

MATT: All right, G1BigDaddyHef donated $20, “Might not be able to watch the stream due to closing shift, but was able to secure at least a ten-minute break to toss my weekly donation.”

ALL: Aww.

MATT: Thank you G1BigDaddyHef!

MARISHA: Closing shifts are the worst.

MATT: I feel ya on that. Thisisbonertown donated $10, thank you!

ORION: Yes, bonertown!

MATT: “Thank you for entertaining us every Thursday night”. Thank you.

LIAM and LAURA: This! Is! Bonertown!

MATT: Wheeliefactoids donated $3, thank you Wheelie! “Great night guys, Ashley, your surprise is done on the server–”

ZAC: Oh, Minecraft server.

MATT: Minecraft server surprise for you. “Come to these coordinates–” We have the coordinates here. "–and you will find your temple.”

ZAC: Somebody should probably write this down.

MATT: “1350 by 1350 z.”

ZAC: 1350 x.

MATT: “1350 x by 1350 z and you will find your temple of Sarenrae.”

ASHLEY: Wait, 1350 z by 1350 x?

ZAC: 1350 x by–

ZAC and MATT: – 1350 z.

MATT: “– and you will find your temple of Sarenrae. My temple of Orcus is next, mwahahaha.” Oh, crap.

ASHLEY: Thanks so much!

MATT: Negihama donated $250.

ALL: Whoa!

TRAVIS: $250?

MATT: Yeah. “Geek and Sundry twitch show cast and crew are amazeballs. I'm happy to help out one of the show's favorite, one of my channel's favorite show's charities. You know. For kids.” That's awesome. All of these are going, by the way, to the charity for 826LA, guys, that's so amazing. Arandrial donated $10. “Critters, just a little donation towards a great cause, and by that, I mean Orion's silver butt-print.”

ZAC: Nope, that's not happening.

MATT: Yet.

LIAM: With a hundred more subscribers.

MATT: Gyaka donated $15. “Thank you for the inspiration to both roleplay and write fiction again.” Thank you for watching. #Critterlove. All right, we've got ZandorInvictus, donated $20. “Wore my shirt today for my session. Thanks to you guys, I rolled crit hits four times in one battle.”

TALIESIN: You took all of our crits. Thank you.

MARISHA: That's where all of our crits were going.

MATT: “By the way, Matt, when I get my copy of Arkham Knight, is it possible to get it sent somewhere for an autograph?” Send it to this studio with return post, we're happy to do that. That's fine. As long as it's sent with return postage already paid, I'll be happy to sit here one of these days.

LAURA: That's an important thing, return postage.

MATT: Yeah, return postage, don't make me pay for postage back.

TALIESIN: Otherwise, hey, free copy for us, which is really cool.

MARISHA: Take the disc out, send back the case.

MATT: Norsiraya donated $5. “I love you guys so much. I had my first D&D game last Saturday. "Thanks, Marisha, for naming my half-elf druid Kalina.”

MARISHA: Oh, it was Kalina!

MATT: “Ended up burning the chest hairs off a pirate. I plan to burn the chest hairs off of many more creatures in the future. Vox Machina!”

MARISHA: Love it.

ZAC: I'm going to have to remember that move.

MATT: Yeah, you should. All right. Rona Konandario. “A friend showed me Critical Role a few weeks ago, just as our long-time group of friends started our game. It must've been destiny. I love everyone's genuine feelings towards all the aspects of the game. Expect fanart in the future. Much love.” Donated $10. Thank you so much, Runa Konandario. Wheelyfactoids donated $3 also, same fellow, “Also, if you guys could come to Salt Lake City Comic Con in Utah, look me up and we'll go to some Cold Stone. Critter for life.” RJCanuck donated $25. “Mercy– Percy for MVP.” No mercy for Percy.

TALIESIN: No mercy for Percy.

ASHLEY: No Mercy Percy!

MATT: Moneylover89. “Love the show, crazy-intense tonight, keep it up, guys. Glad to donate for a good cause. Love the Critical Role team and all that you do.” That's great, $20, thank you so much. GasGT, $25. “Thank you for letting us come along with your party. Met Matt and Marisha in Philly.” That's awesome, good to see you! “Even more awesome in person. Hope Trinket's dice wasn't bad luck.”

LAURA: Oh, yay Trinket's dice, thank you!

MATT: “Hearts, Critical Role Critters.” Thank you so much.

MARISHA: Critters!

MATT: We've got CritterHaiku, great twitter page.

LAURA: I love the haikus!

MATT: They're fantastic.

MARISHA: They made a twitter, @critterhaiku, which is super-fun.

MATT: “Nothing compares to the thrill of a great escape, and helping kids read.” Donated $20. Thank you, CritterHaiku. Keep it up.

MARISHA: Gotta learn to read those haikus.

LAURA: I love them.

MATT: Lob82517. “Happy to support the charity again. You guys seriously know how to stress us out. So nervous through that.” Seriously, you weren't the only ones. “Thanks to all of you for the birth of Vox Moronica, one of the funniest things I've ever seen.” They donated $10, thank you so much.

ZAC: Where are those gifts, guys?

MATT: Let's do this. Thank you guys again so much for all your donations.

MARISHA: We love you guys!

TALIESIN: We love you guys so much.

ZAC: There's stuff.

MARISHA: So much fun.

MATT: For Liam, this is for you, Liam.

ALL: What?

MARISHA: What is that?

ORION: Oh, the dagger, dude! It's a dagger!

LAURA: This is for me?

MATT: That is for you.

LAURA: Holy crap!

SAM: Wait, Laura, what did you get?

MATT: Oh my god, you got Jonathan Frakes signed?

SAM: Is he a fan of the show?

MATT: I'm sorry, Laura, what's this you have signed over here?

LAURA: Oh my gosh. You'll always be my Number One.

ZAC: This is for you to give to–

LAURA: This is from Team Wishlist. Thank you so much!

LIAM: This is a magic carpet for the group.

MARISHA: Look at that shit, he's got a magic carpet!

SAM: On camera, on camera.

LIAM: Thank you, Kat! Thank you Katkitten112 for this craziness, oh my god!

MATT: That's amazing.

TALIESIN: That is so badass.

MATT: I'm going to say that's the keen dagger.

LAURA: Look at how many daggers he has now! Ludicrous.

LIAM: Just ten more.

MARISHA: So many daggers.

MATT: All righty, guys, so. As a heads-up. “Attn: Geek and Sundry Twitch. To the awesome people at Geek and Sundry, please forward this package to the members of Critical Role on my behalf. I have made them each a personalized pendant with their character names, plus a few extras. Earrings inspired by Keyleth, Pike, and Vex'ahlia for Marisha, Ashley, and Laura, and four Vox Machina pendants which can be kept or given away. Many thanks to all involved for making Critical Role possible. Those short videos of their campaign on Vine were never enough to know what was going on. Sincerely yours, Ipec Psy.” That's so awesome. Thank you so much, Ipec. Okay, pass this down to Percy?

ORION: I got this amazing Tiberius pin.

LAURA: So cute!

TALIESIN: So fantastic.

ZAC: Tiberius.

LAURA: Oh, it's got a little deck.

ORION: Pike. Ashley. A three-inch figure of Pike is coming for you and a three-inch figure of Scanlan is coming. They're on their way.

MATT: You guys are ridiculous!

ORION: David.

MATT: It's your holy symbol.

MARISHA: They're little flowers!

ZAC: Hey, guys, we have some boxes of very special dice here, and they included a letter, but it says, “Please do not read on stream,” so this is for you guys to read when we go offline, but we're going to hand these out as well.

MARISHA: Holy crap.

LAURA: Oh, this is for me!

MARISHA: I'm pretty sure she has an Etsy store.

TALIESIN: She does.

LAURA: Oh my god, this is the best day ever.

MATT: You guys are ridiculous!

LIAM: It's Critmas!

ALL: Critmas!

LIAM: Whoa, look at that. That's a die, it's dangerous.

TRAVIS: No it's not.

MATT: That's so cool, you guys are ridiculous.

SAM: Whoa, that's an awesome die!

TRAVIS: Are you fucking kidding me?

SAM: Whoa, the first roll was a 20!


LAURA: This will never go in the dice graveyard.

ZAC: Each one is unique to you guys, it's nuts.

MARISHA: Oh my god!

TRAVIS: Skulls!

ASHLEY: What? I got a Celtic knot!

LAURA: This is the coolest thing ever.

TALIESIN: Holy shit.

MARISHA: What does yours look like?

TALIESIN: Holy shit.

LAURA: Let me see!

ASHLEY: Nice, what the heck!

TRAVIS: It's made of skulls.

LAURA: Wow, I got a 20!

MARISHA: Whoa, with the whitewash on it.

ZAC: Okay, wait.

TALIESIN: I just rolled a 20! Look at it, look at it!

MARISHA: Wait, did everyone roll 20s on their first roll?

MATT: These are magically enchanted handcrafted dice.

TRAVIS: I rolled an eight.

MARISHA: I rolled a four.

MATT: I got a Sputnik dice, by the way.

ASHLEY and TALIESIN: Thank you so much!

MARISHA: These are crazy! Holy balls!

SAM: Okay, a benefactor sent the holy charm of Sarenrae for me to present to you.

MARISHA: Oh my gosh, that's so pretty!

SAM: In, I think, holy matrimony?

ASHLEY: Oh, well, let's just–

MATT: Ellie, these are all amazing. Thank you so much.

LAURA and ASHLEY: Thank you, thank you.

ORION: A dragon-bone die for the dragonborn.

MATT: I've rolled nothing lower than a 16 on this die, so it gets used a lot moving forward.

LIAM: Also, for my birthday I got (Gollum voice) precious.

MARISHA: That's awesome!

ORION: Good job, guys.

MATT: You guys are ridiculous.

ZAC: You guys are all going to post pictures to Twitter, right, because everyone's asking.

TALIESIN: Oh, yeah. Oh yeah, this is happening.

LIAM: (Gollum voice) Precious!

ZAC: While these guys are still opening their presents, I wanted to– go ahead.

MARISHA: Ellie, whoever made the jewelry, to tweet at us and let us know her Etsy store.

MATT: Ellie did the dice, wasn't it, I think?

MARISHA: Ellie did the dice.

MATT: Yeah, the pendants were–

ZAC: Ellie did the dice.

MARISHA: The pendants were from Ipec.

LAURA: Oh, I've got to get all my presents in the picture.

MARISHA: From @millena, let us know about your Etsy.

ASHLEY: Guys, thanks so much.

MATT: An awesome letter from Meghan Levann, cards from Meghan Levann's site, we're going to go ahead and pass these out, and I'll read this after the stream. That's so awesome, thank you so much, Meghan.

ALL: Thank you, Meghan!

ZAC: While these guys are still going through their presents, I just want to remind you guys, thank you for tuning in, and tomorrow we have So You Don't Have To, and we're going to play Jazz Punk on the stream, and it's a lot of fun, and then after that we'll have Gather Your Party and IndieKate is joining us, the all-female punk band Blood Candy is joining us, and then we have the– oh my gosh, I feel like a dumb-dumb now. What's the name of that– the Dance Free Movement people? The group that threw the party for the guy that was shamed on the internet, the–

MATT: Mercer shirt. Dice on the back. DM represent.

ZAC: I'm sure a lot of you guys heard about the man that was shamed on the internet.

MARISHA: Yeah, the punk teenagers made fun of him?

ZAC: Right. Made fun of him on the internet, and a large group of– the Dance Free Movement came Together, flew him out to Los Angeles, and threw a big party for him, so we have the Dance Free Together group coming tomorrow to play Just Dance with us, to talk about their movement and everything like that, so make sure you guys tune in tomorrow, it's going to be a lot of a fun, that's from 7-10PM. And we had a couple more donations really quickly come in. Just wanted to say thank you to–

MATT: What's that?

LUCAS: Did you read the dice on the shirt?

MATT: (laughs) Nice and hidden. Didn't notice that. The dice say, 'How do you want to do this?'

LAURA: Awesome!

TALIESIN: That's so cool.

LAURA: Oh, that's really cool.

ZAC: For the people that donated after we started reading the donations, I know Matt's trying to get outta here pretty quick, so thank you, FoxyForsythe, Zopher, Metheram and Hunter, I'll make sure these guys get the messages that you guys sent, but we're going to go ahead and let these guys start packing up. I know that they have lives!

MARISHA: We're tweeting pictures of our dice and our things so everyone can see now.

LAURA: I'm hashtagging Critmas.

ZAC: Did we make that sub goal?

ORION: Oh my god, is that your die that you got?

ZAC: We did not make the sub goal, so we'll get you guys– no, we're not going to get it, so we'll get you guys with a giveaway tomorrow.

MATT: Next time, you can do it then. You guys are ridiculous, thank you so much. Have a wonderful night.

ASHLEY: Thank you guys so, so much.

MATT: See you next week on Thursday.

MARISHA: We love you guys, you're amazing!

[dramatic music]