LAURA: Hello and welcome to another exciting episode of Critical Role, where a bunch of nerdy-ass voice actors, jesus, sit around and play Dungeons & Dragons. Oh gosh, okay, so this is my one-shot. I'm nervous as all hell, but it's going to be great! If you have may have noticed, tonight's episode takes place at the-- please don't sue us-- school of Schmogwarts. First, before all of that, let's get to some announcements. Our sponsor for the night is--
TRAVIS: Oh, I got it! Model this, Brian.
BRIAN: I got it.
TRAVIS: Tonight's episode is sponsored by D&D Art & Arcana from Random House Publishing and Ten Speed Press. Gamers and game historians Sam and Michael Witwer, Kyle Newman, and Jon Peterson have taken on this massive archaeological effort to create a must-have book for anyone who has ever played or just loves D&D. It's over 700 images of original art, unpublished draft material, pristine product, rare imagery, and the most extensive collection of D&D imagery every published. The special edition of this book comes with all this beautifulness right here, ten classic mini prints of D&D artwork ready for hanging, a pamphlet-sized unpublished original version of Gary Gygax's Tomb of Horrors, and this 450 page book of legendary D&D art is available now. So help support the show by grabbing your copy at critrole.com/artandarcana.
LAURA: Sorry to interrupt you, but our poster is in this freaking book!
SAM: Wait, what? No, it's not.
LAURA: Yes, it is. It's at the end of the book.
SAM: We're not an official thing, though. We're just a mom and pop thing; we don't really exist.
LAURA: It's at the very end, Brian, at the very end.
BRIAN: Oh very end, I thought you said very beginning.
TALIESIN: Only 70% of the show is mom and pop.
LIAM: I've looked through it, it's a beautiful book and if you've been a D&D fan for decades, going through the book is like going through a time warp.
LAURA: There it is! There's our poster!
SAM: Our poster is in the book?
LAURA: Isn't that so exciting?
LIAM: We're part of the history of Dungeons & Dragons!
TRAVIS: You can grab your copy at critrole.com/artandarcana.
SAM: Good job, Travis!
TRAVIS: Thanks, man. It would have been Sam, but he's sweating his new class.
LAURA: Before we get to that, the latest episode of Between the Sheets featuring our very own Marisha Ray is now available on the Critical Role YouTube channel. You can tune in at twitch.tv/criticalrole on Monday for a one-on-one chat-- oh!-- with Matthew Mercer.
SAM: That's coming up next Monday.
BRIAN: Next Monday, yeah.
LAURA: Then the all new episode of All Work No Play will debut on twitch.tv/criticalrole: that's our channel.
TRAVIS: That's it.
LAURA: Jeez, this is hard. On Friday at 7:00pm Pacific.
SAM and LAURA: That's tomorrow.
SAM: I think it's going to be a spooky-ooky episode.
LIAM: It's the spooky-ooky one?
SAM: I think so.
LAURA: Yeah, where you guys pair up with makeup artist Alexander Ward, right? Creature artist?
SAM: Creature master.
LIAM: Creature, just creature.
LAURA: I've seen some of the pictures from it and it is freaking amazing.
TALIESIN: He's been giggling about it.
LAURA: I wish this freaking announcement sheet was longer, because now it means that we have to get to the game. So I guess--
TRAVIS: Start making it up right now.
LAURA: Without further ado, let's-- I don't know-- should we roll credits or something?
TRAVIS: On tonight's episode of--
LAURA: Tonight's episode of Critical Role.
LAURA: (intones Hedwig's theme) It's a crisp autumn morning. It's starting; I'm starting it, bitches. It's a crisp autumn morning at Schmogwarts. It's a holiday weekend and all of your students at the school are off celebrating off at the local town of Schmogsmeade. Celebrating their latest squidlach win or lamenting their team's loss.
BRIAN: Uh-huh, you remember.
LAURA: They're sipping nutterbeer at the Five Brooms or buying sweets at the local goody shop.
LIAM: Nutterbeer is an acquired taste.
LAURA: It is, it's really good. All of the students and faculty, except, that is, for you five. No, you five are in detention. You've been asked to serve in the Defense Against the Dark Farts classroom. As you file in, early in the morning, the first student to walk in is a Dryffingor. Sam, why don't you describe your character?
SAM: I'm first? Oh god, are we doing accents?
TRAVIS: First is the worst, tool. Yes.
SAM: We're doing accents? All British?
LAURA: Do it! Go for it, Sam.
TRAVIS: No, this is all Litish.
SAM: Hello. My name is Claire Sittish. I'm a Briffinbore?
LAURA: No, you're a Dryffingor, get it right.
SAM: I'm a Dryffingor... student? Am I a student? I don't even know.
LAURA: Jesus. Yes, you're a student.
SAM: There's no bio!
LAURA: I sent you a thing, Sam!
SAM: You did? Oh boy, I don't know, I didn't read it. My name's Claire Sittish. I come from a well to-do family and I'm quite admired all around the school. The underclassmen, the upperclassmen, the 5th years, the 9th years, the 12th years, they all love me. I haven't read Harry Potter. But I'm supes popular and if you ask me to go to prom, I'll say no. I'm also a super awesome wizard and cross me and I will fuck your shit up.
LAURA: Technically, you're a witch. But whatever.
SAM: Sure. And I've got red hair.
LAURA: Yes, you do.
SAM: I'm styling and that's it.
LAURA: You walk in and you sit towards the front of the classroom like you normally do.
SAM: I shouldn't be here.
LAURA: You're followed in immediately after by a slight gentleman, rather small of frame. Brian, why don't you tell us about your character.
BRIAN: 'Ello. My name's Bryan and--
LAURA: (singing) And I like to do drawings!
BRIAN: I don't get out a lot these days but when I do, it's to get maybe some comics. I'm built like the Olsen twins. That's it.
LAURA: All right, and what house are you?
BRIAN: I'm a Pigeonclaw.
LAURA: All right. Bryan, you follow in behind Claire. You think about sitting next to her, but you've always been uncomfortable around girls, so you end up taking a seat in the row behind her, off to the side. Following in behind Bryan is an athletic, built guy. He seems really cool. He's a Smytherpin. Taliesin--
TALIESIN: Slytherpin. My name's Andy. Everyone knows me, to be fair. I'm a beater for the Slytherpin squidlach team. We're doing very well this year. We might take it all the way to tri-nationals as it's going. I don't care who you people are. Hi, dear.
LAURA: Andy comes in and sits next to Claire. You guys are pretty familiar with each other being both popular students.
SAM: What's that smell?
TALIESIN: Victory. That's the smell of victory.
SAM: Is it sweat? It's sweat. You should go take a shower.
BRIAN: I also might have brought some brussel sprouts with me in my bag.
SAM: Why would you do-- did your mother pack it for you?
LAURA: Your mother spends a lot of time at Schmogwarts?
BRIAN: No, she packed it before I left, months ago. That's probably why they smell so bad.
LAURA: All of you look to the back of the classroom as a commotion happens. A very tall student, disheveled. He'd be handsome if he didn't look so scruffy, maybe. Walks in, he's knocked over a stack of books as he walks in to take his seat. Travis?
TRAVIS: Nerd. My name's John Bunder. I don't give a shit about anything or anyone.
LIAM: Ooh, a Yorkshire accent.
TRAVIS: Oh yeah, I forgot, yeah. We're all Litish. I'm also in house Smytherpin. Smytherpin!
TALIESIN: Smytherpin. I wrote it down wrong.
TRAVIS: I've been here every day of my life and I'll probably be here even longer. This accent might change in a couple minutes, just so you know. You people are in here with me. Not me in here with you. Whatever.
LAURA: Bunder comes in and stares all of you down as he takes a seat a couple rows behind Claire and Andy. All of you stare at each other in silence until a young Horfleporf walks into the classroom. She's got scarves all around her face, her hair is all disheveled, and it's odd because instead of walking behind you, she walks all the way in front of your desks, around the classroom before filing in and taking a seat behind you, Bryan. Tell us about yourself, Liam.
LIAM: My name is Allison and I am a Horfleporf. I drink a lot of nutterbeer. Probably too much. Am I sharing my special thing you told me about, I don't know?
LAURA: No, you probably shouldn't.
LIAM: What? No?
LAURA: No, don't share it yet.
LAURA: Don't share it yet.
LIAM: All right. I don't know any of you. I don't care to.
TRAVIS: (tongue clucking)
SAM: Do you have a boyfriend?
LAURA: As you stare at each other, suddenly--
LAURA: The door at the top of your Defense class, you know belonging to Professor Furbin, slams open. Whatever. She walks out upon the stoop and says, "Well, well, well. Here we are. I feel I must congratulate you all for being on time. And to thank you for allowing me to spend my day here with you instead of celebrating a day off. Yes, Claire?"
SAM: I don't think I should be here. There's been some sort of mistake. These are all fuckups and weirdos and I should not be part of this little selection of riffraff. If you'd like my mother can call-- what are you-- get out of my personal space.
LAURA: "The time is approximately 7:06, that means you have exactly two hours and 54 minutes left to ponder why you're here--"
TRAVIS: (fart sound)
LAURA: "-- to think about-- Bunder. Would you like another detention? You're familiar with this classroom?"
TRAVIS: Yeah. I am. Sure. I want another.
LAURA: "Well, there you go. Next Saturday, you're here with me again."
TRAVIS: Great. Let's make it two!
LAURA: "It already is two. Do you want three?"
TRAVIS: Bring it on.
LAURA: "Three it is, keep going."
LAURA: "Four it is, give me a full month, Bunder. Are you done?"
BRIAN: Give her a full month, Bunder.
LAURA: "Quiet, Bryan. There will be no speaking. There will be no moving from your seats. In fact, I'm going to give you all an assignment." She begins walking around passing out pieces of parchment and quills. "I want you all to write me an essay, at least a thousand words, telling me who you think you are. When I say essay, I mean essay. Don't just write the same word over and over and--" As she's speaking, there is a small tap at the door. "Oh, for heaven's sake!" She walks to the black of the classroom-- the back of the classroom, opens up the door, you see her speaking to somebody in hushed tones. "One moment, do not get up!" She steps out of the classroom and shuts the door.
SAM: Well, I don't know about you all, but we have some essays to write, so I'm going to get right down to it.
BRIAN: I already finished mine.
SAM: What? That's impossible. You haven't moved from your seat.
TALIESIN: You finished yours? Then you can do mine then. That's great. Here. Get right on that. That would be fine.
BRIAN: How much quid you got?
TALIESIN: I've got five quid, which is just enough for me to not kick your ass.
BRIAN: Five quid'll do it!
TALIESIN: All right.
LAURA: The door opens back up. Professor-- what did I say, Furbin?
TRAVIS: Yep, Furbin. I should write that down.
LAURA: -- walks back in.
LAURA: Professor Durbin Durr! Walks back in. "I'm afraid there has been an emergency situation. I have to leave the classroom for a few, hopefully, minutes. You are not to leave this classroom. Finish your assignment. Do as you're told. I have ways of knowing what is going on in here. Are we understood?"
BRIAN: What's the emergency? Did you find the cat that attacked him?
LAURA: "That is none of your business. And you, Bryan, will be here next Saturday as well, serving another detention."
BRIAN: Ugh. Fuck's sake.
LAURA: "If any of you leave this room, you'll be serving with him as well. Two months! Two months detention for leaving this classroom. Are we understood?"
SAM: Has my mother called yet? Because I'm pretty sure she wants me to come home. I have to prepare my room for--
TRAVIS: (mocking) My room for--
SAM: -- for a very important family gathering next weekend. And she would not be pleased to know that I am--
TRAVIS: (mocking continues)
SAM: I don't sound anything like that.
LAURA: "Quiet! Behave yourselves. You are young adults," and she leaves the classroom. Oh, what do you do?
TRAVIS: I cast Fireball. No. Nope.
LAURA: Her office is at the top of the stairs. The door's at the back of the classroom. You have shelves along the walls with all of the books that you're used to.
SAM: The Defense Against the Dark Farts classroom?
LAURA: Yes, it is.
SAM: Are there any lockers or cubbies or things around?
LAURA: There's cubbies. You've been in this classroom for years, though. You know exactly where everything is, shy of her office.
TALIESIN: Are there locks on the door?
LAURA: Locks on the doors?
LAURA: You can try.
TALIESIN: I'm going to just use some Prestidigitation to see if the door can lock or unlock from here.
LAURA: Which one? The classroom door?
LAURA: All right.
TALIESIN: So I'm just going to see if there's a locking mechanism.
LAURA: It seems like the school is used to students trying to fuck around with things and maybe it's not letting you do it.
TRAVIS: Hey, Sporto. That seems like an illegal activity for someone of your repute. Aren't you worried that you're going to damage your ride?
TALIESIN: No. I was just going to tell them you did it.
TRAVIS: Tell them-- But I like where your mind's at. For me, I don't plan on staying in here the whole time.
BRIAN: How are you going to get out?
TRAVIS: I see nothing but options in front of us. We all got these, don't we? Don't we?
BRIAN: Mine's a bit bigger than yours is. Fancy that.
TRAVIS: Let me do a little Detect. I detect limp noodle, core of wuss, pliant.
BRIAN: Do you know what you also detect? University. Something you'll never know about.
TRAVIS: Oh, I'll fuck you up in two seconds.
LIAM: Allison's not paying attention and she's making ivy grow out of her desk and around the chair and some mushrooms up each leg of the desk's table legs.
SAM: If the teacher comes back and catches you doing that, she's going to give you detention again.
LIAM: You'd have to tell her first.
SAM: I'm not going to tell her, but if she asks, I will have to answer truthfully.
LIAM: Oops. Mushrooms up the front of your blouse.
SAM: Oh, get the--
LAURA: Roll a perception check, all of you.
TRAVIS: Perception check.
TALIESIN: Oh wow.
LIAM: Natural one.
LAURA: Well, you're busy making vines, aren't you? 15.
LAURA: Okay. Claire and Andy, sitting closest to her office, actually that makes sense, both of you hear very faint, almost sounds like a small child. Is it screaming? Maybe calling for help.
SAM: From the office? Do you hear that?
TALIESIN: Yeah, I do. I mean, it would be irresponsible not to go check and see if someone's in trouble, right?
SAM: We were told to stay in this room, though, and that's what we should do.
TALIESIN: If the room was on fire, we obviously would have to leave.
SAM: Yes, but it's not on fire.
TALIESIN: That room could be on fire. Someone's yelling.
TRAVIS: You always do what you're told, Claire? Always? Miss Perfect?
SAM: No, I'm not perfect. I just see no reason to break the rules, and I'm not going to until--
TRAVIS: (snores) I'm with you, Andy. Let's do it.
TALIESIN: All right. I dare you to go first.
TRAVIS: I dare you to-- Okay. What am I doing?
TALIESIN: Go check on the door. Get up.
TRAVIS: Oh. Yeah.
SAM: There's a screaming child in there. It's probably related to you because you're such a fucking baby over there.
TRAVIS: (blows raspberry)
SAM: Ooh. Multi-language flip-off.
TRAVIS: Can I go up to the door?
TRAVIS: Is it locked?
LAURA: It's not locked.
TRAVIS: It's not locked?
TALIESIN: Okay, I get up. Now that I see it's not locked, I'll get up too.
SAM: You shouldn't get up at all.
TRAVIS: Shut up.
TALIESIN: Help or don't.
TRAVIS: Probably not trapped, right? I mean, we're in a school.
TRAVIS: I got it. I'll just open the door.
LAURA: It's not trapped.
TRAVIS: Oh, nice. Can I just open it?
LAURA: Yeah. Bunder, you're actually really familiar with this room, having served so many detentions, a lot of them one-on-one with the professor. So this is the office you're used to. Everything's where you were used to seeing it. Actually, let me bring in a map.
SAM: You got a map?
TRAVIS: Oh! A map already?!
SAM: It's a first encounter.
SAM: Laura Bailey.
LAURA: Oh, here's your classroom!
LAURA: All right. So this is where you are. Claire and Andy, Bryan--
LIAM: She got it from Chessex.
LAURA: I did. Bryan, Allison--
TRAVIS: That's probably dry-erase marker.
LAURA: Yeah, totally not Sharpie. Here's you, Bunder, you're back here. I can put you where you're at.
TRAVIS: Oh, we have us-es?
LAURA: No, but I'll use some of these figures over here like Sam did. Okay. So this is Allison. This is Andy. This looks like Claire, because you've got flippy hair.
LAURA: Oh, this is perfect because this is a Smytherpin! This will be Bunder. Then this one right here is-- Well, you're a girl. We'll switch this. This is Ally, this is Bryan.
LAURA: You have walked up here, Bunder.
TALIESIN: I've joined.
LIAM: I'm going, too.
LAURA: You go join at the top of the door and you walk through.
SAM: Allison said she's going too, but she mumbled it.
LIAM: It's boring down here.
TRAVIS: Are any of the portraits on the wall, are they paying attention to me as I walk up the stairs?
LAURA: There's actually no portraits on the wall here. But, what you're used to seeing in her room, are three large tapestries covering the walls. On the one on the back, you see a giant tapestry, like you're used to, of a green dragon sleeping on top of a hoard of gold. The way it's woven, you can almost see curls of smoke coming up from his nose. On the left wall, is a phoenix rising from a big mound of ashes. It looks like the fire is actually glowing in the weave. On the right wall, you see a tapestry featuring a herd of centaurs. Is that what you call them? A group of them? I don't know. Galloping over a hill with tall blades of grass almost blowing in the breeze. It seems to move as you look at it. What you're not used to seeing, however, is in the corner, a little-- it almost looks like a birdcage filled with little sprites? Pixies? You're not sure. "(gasp) You heard me. You heard me! Help, please!"
TRAVIS: Oh my god. Andy, look in the corner.
TALIESIN: Are they in detention too?
LAURA: "You have to let us out of here. I don't even know what she's doing!"
TRAVIS: Shh! Keep your voice down. Who's she?
LAURA: "The professor?"
TRAVIS: Professor Furbin?
LAURA: "Yeah. She's obsessed! She stole us from our home in the forest behind the castle. Please. We just want to get back to our families."
SAM: What's going on up there?
TALIESIN and TRAVIS: Nothing!
BRIAN: What's happening?
TRAVIS: There's a mirror and it just talks.
TALIESIN: Keep watch.
TRAVIS: Yeah, so how many of these little sprites are in the cage?
LAURA: It looks like about eight of them. Are you walking into the room?
LAURA: As you walk in closer, you can see better now that instead of a normal fairy, they almost look like there are two arms on top, two arms on bottom and each of the fairies have eight-- four legs. That's how it would go.
TRAVIS: Four arms, four legs?
LAURA: Four arms and four legs. They have humanoid features, but closer it's almost like a tarantula, they've got a fur covering their bodies.
TRAVIS: Do they have (clicking) pincers?
LAURA: They're pretty small, you can't really see.
TRAVIS: What color are they?
LAURA: They're almost a black color. Beautiful wings, dragonfly-like wings.
LIAM: Are they winged?
LAURA: They are, but they're sitting. They're not flying in there right now, they're sitting very sadly.
TRAVIS: Okay, I'll keep an eye, you get him.
TALIESIN: We need you to take a look at something.
BRIAN: I'll come up there when I'm good and ready.
TALIESIN: Coming up right now.
BRIAN: Coming up right now.
SAM: I can't be the only one down-- (huffs)
BRIAN: No, it's fine, just-- Yeah.
TRAVIS: Yeah careful, Claire. There's all sorts of exciting things in here.
SAM: I'm going to stay down here until--
BRIAN: She just wants to not get in trouble. She won't get caught.
LAURA: I'm going to take my necklace off because it's hitting things.
BRIAN: What you need?
TALIESIN: You ever seen anything like this before? Do you know what these are?
BRIAN: Oh that's an eight-pack of sprites right there.
LIAM: (Australian accent) Bacon and eggs!
TRAVIS: (Australian accent) Down under.
LIAM: (Australian accent) Fairies on the barbie.
LAURA: "Please! Why are you laughing? You have to help us."
BRIAN: What's the matter, you were kidnapped?
BRIAN: By who?
LAURA: "By this woman! This small woman!"
BRIAN: Which woman?
LAURA: "Please! We were brought here. The professor says she wants to learn about us. I don't know what that means!"
TRAVIS: While they're pleading, is there anything on the desk that looks like it might be worth snagging?
LAURA: There's a neat stack of books on the desk. Everything else-- she's a very clean professor.
BRIAN: Is this where the birdcage is?
LAURA; No, the birdcage is in the corner, it's a bigger-- it's a square, like an intricate, square, big birdcage.
TRAVIS: I don't know. What's in it for us if we let you out? I'll start trying the drawers of the desk to see if they open.
LIAM: Are there any beverages in here?
LAURA: There's no beverages.
LIAM: No decanters, no?
LAURA: No, nothing.
BRIAN: Have they done anything to you in here?
LAURA: "They took one of our friends. I haven't seen her since."
BRIAN: Do you know where she went?
BRIAN: How long ago?
LAURA: "I don't know, it's hard to tell time in here. Please!"
LIAM: Have you been hurt at all?
LAURA: "I haven't, but I miss my family so much. Please! If you let us out I can tell you how to open her desk."
BRIAN: (noncommittal mumbling)
TRAVIS: Sounds solid to me. Yeah!
LIAM: Is it locked? Did you try it?
TRAVIS: No. Is it locked?
LAURA: The desk?
TRAVIS: No, the cage.
LAURA: The cage has a small lock on it, yes.
TRAVIS: Anybody good with locks? Oh, I think I am!
LAURA: "I know where the key is!"
TRAVIS: Oh. And where is that?
LAURA: "It's in the drawer. On the left-hand side of her desk."
LIAM: All right. I go to the desk.
LAURA: Okay. You look at the desk. There's three drawers in the left-hand side and the middle is more intricate-looking. It looks like the middle drawer is the one that's locked, that she was talking about, but you can open the left drawer if you want to.
LIAM: I'll start on the left at the top.
LAURA: Okay, you open it.
LAURA: Sitting in there, you see a small key that looks like it would fit in the birdcage.
LIAM: You do it.
TRAVIS: You do it.
TALIESIN: Together, no? More deniability? TRAVIS: Yeah.
TALIESIN and TRAVIS: One, two, three.
TRAVIS: Oh you prick.
LAURA: As you open it, the fucking sprites go fucking crazy. They just come out into the room. I want everybody to roll initiative.
TRAVIS: Fucking sprites.
TALIESIN: I'm so excited.
LAURA: Let me find my little dice, because I don't have actual sprites, but I have these little dice that I'm going to use to show where they are.
LAURA: Itty-bitty dice.
TALIESIN: Oh no, that's terrible.
LAURA: How many do I have? How many did I say? One, two, three, four, five, six, seven. Then we'll use this teeny-- Oh they're so teeny. So they fly out. One goes over here. One comes over to the corner. One comes up on the desk. Two fly out the window, out the door. One flies over to-- who is this one?
LIAM and SAM: Allison.
LAURA: Allison! One flies over to Andy and one comes at you, Bunder.
LAURA: Hold on, let me roll initiative, too.
LAURA: Okay. I have no idea how this works.
TRAVIS: 25 to 20.
LAURA: 25 to 20!
LAURA: Okay. 20 to 15?
LIAM: Oh dear.
TRAVIS: Oh shit.
LAURA: Oh wow. 15 to ten? Are you fucking kidding me?
TRAVIS: I rolled an eight.
SAM: I have a nine.
TRAVIS: Two nines and two eights?
LAURA: Two nines? Okay, Bryan.
TRAVIS: Bryan and Claire.
TALIESIN: We are sharp, aren't we?
LAURA: And then Bunder.
TRAVIS: And Andy.
LAURA: Bunder and Andy. All right. Let me look at this sheet and figure out when they go. (singing to herself)
SAM: Laura Bailey is about to operate combat. Multiple--
LAURA: I mean, look at how many fucking things I put out here. I have no idea why I did this.
SAM: This was my first mistake, too.
TRAVIS: Yeah, you put eight enemies in that tavern.
LIAM: You had 500 people down.
LAURA: That's okay, these are little guys. Do you really want to kill them? I mean, come on!
LIAM: Kind of.
TRAVIS: I've got spells. Spells.
LAURA: All right, Ally, you're up first. What would you like to do?
LIAM: I'm going to use a cantrip and I'm going to make this wand grow into a full-sized staff and cast Shillelagh.
TRAVIS and SAM: (exaggerated) Shillelagh!
LIAM: That's a bonus action, actually. So now I'm holding it. Can I hold my action to attack this thing if it attacks me?
LIAM: That's what I'm going to do.
LAURA: Okay. Up next are the biting sprites. The one next to you is going to bite you.
LIAM: Whack! Okay, so I would attack. Everything is brand new. That is a very terrible roll. That's six.
LAURA: Yeah, that does not hit.
LAURA: That definitely doesn't hit. And that's it, right?
LIAM: That's all I've got.
LAURA: That's all you can do. Okay, they're going to bite you. She's going to roll. Oh my god, this is terrifying! Oh my god, I rolled a 19. That definitely hits.
LIAM: That definitely hits.
LAURA: That is a 1d8. Okay, that's good. That's a three. You take three biting damage and then you have to make a constitution save.
LIAM: All right. That's pretty good. Where is everything? That is an 18.
LAURA: Oh, good! You saved. So you only take five points of poison damage. Okay, the next one! This one's going to just dance around on the desk and take a piss. This one is going to attack Andy with a multi-attack. They're going to do a dagger attack on you.
SAM: They have daggers?!
LAURA: They have little daggers. Tiny little toothpicks, but they are really fucking fast.
She's going to make three dagger attacks.
SAM: I don't like this DM!
LAURA: (laughs maniacally) The first two are, oh jeez, 12?
TALIESIN: That's my armor class.
LAURA: Okay, the second one is 11, that doesn't hit. The third one is a 14, so it does.
TALIESIN: Two attacks, yep.
LAURA: Where's my eight? Here it is. Ooh, that's cocked.
LIAM: I'm entranced with this acorn hat on Laura's head.
LAURA: It's really great, isn't it?
LIAM and TRAVIS: It's pretty cute.
LAURA: Ten on the first dagger. Oh, damn.
LAURA: Only two points on the second one.
LIAM: TPK in under ten minutes.
TRAVIS: Come on, man!
LAURA: Oh my god, right?! Okay, so that's that one.
TRAVIS: Bumblesnore is going to do a funeral for one of us real quick.
LAURA: The third one is standing on the plant in the corner. That's what this is. That's the fourth one. I don't know what she's doing. The fifth one is attacking you, Bunder. She's going to bite at you.
TRAVIS: Bring it! Bet you won't roll high enough, punk! (blows raspberry)
LAURA: Oh, I don't think it did with a natural one.
LAURA: It's a nothing! She goes to bite you, but she's just in awe of your earring and bites that instead and licks it a little bit.
TRAVIS: Yeah, you would.
LAURA: The next one goes after-- oh, they both flew out of the classroom. They just fly out and they're flying around the classroom. They start flying over here and knocking a bunch of books off the bookshelf and ripping things apart. Next up is who on the initiative?
TRAVIS: They were after Allison?
LAURA: Yeah. Brian, you're up next.
BRIAN: These are the only two in the room? Or there's one attacking you here?
TALIESIN: There's one on me.
TRAVIS: There's four.
BRIAN: Oh, yeah. Okay, sorry. They're blending into the environment.
LAURA: They're teeny.
TRAVIS: It's a detailed map.
BRIAN: How much movement do I have?
TRAVIS: It's good, though!
BRIAN: I will go over here and attack this one.
LIAM: It doesn't look like a dick and balls at all, though.
BRIAN: I'd like to go over here--
LAURA: And attack that plant?
BRIAN: Yeah, I'm going to do Sacred Flame.
LAURA: Oh, nice.
SAM: (sarcastic English accent) Sacred Flame?
BRIAN: Sacred Flame in his ass!
LAURA: All right.
BRIAN: Or her ass.
LAURA: What is that? Tell me how Sacred Flame works.
BRIAN: "A flame-like radiance descends on a creature you can see within range. The target must success on a dexterity saving throw 16 or take 2d8 radiant damage."
LAURA: Okay, let's find out. Definitely a success, that is 16 plus six. They are very tiny. They're hard to hit.
LAURA: But as you get over there-- this is you, right, dweeb?
BRIAN: That's me.
LAURA: As you get over there, the plant comes alive. It's a violet fungus over in the corner.
TRAVIS: (shouting) Oh! Dang!
LAURA: Oh my god! I can't believe you fell for that shit! It's going to make an attack against you. That definitely hits with a natural 18.
LAURA: It's going to do 1d4 Rotting Touch. That's just four, no, two points of damage. All right. Up next is Claire.
SAM: What is happening up there?
TRAVIS: You're so hot, babe.
SAM: I'm going to stand up at the desk and say to those two sprites down there: Those books are for students only! I will cast Magic Missile, sending two darts at one of them and one dart at the other. They instantly hit!
LAURA: Oh, they do?
SAM: They do. They cause two points of damage each. One takes four damage and the other takes two.
LAURA: All right. They're still alive.
SAM: Uh-huh. Then I'll move towards them, but turn to the right so I can hide behind the stairs or something.
LAURA: How about that?
SAM: That's perfect.
LAURA: Okay! Up next is Bunder. What do you want to do, Bunder?
TRAVIS: I am going to turn to this little sprite right here next to me and I'm going to cast Ray Of Frost. Yeah. "A frigid beam of blue-white light streaks toward a creature within range. Make a ranged spell attack against the target."
LAURA: Which one are you hitting? The one that's attacking you?
TRAVIS: Yeah, that one. That is a 12.
LAURA: That doesn't hit.
TRAVIS: Fuck! I think that's my turn.
SAM: Nice job.
LAURA: All right, up next: that's Andy.
TALIESIN: I'm going to use my bonus action to summon my beater stick.
LAURA: (laughter) Nice.
TALIESIN: It flies into my hand. I'm going to spin around and try-- I live for this-- I'm going to try and hit the one that took a swing at me and I'm going to strike with a green flame attack.
TRAVIS: Ooh, you can make it green, too?
TALIESIN: That's my specialty. (triumphant laughter) 27 to hit.
LAURA: Whoa yes, that definitely hits.
TALIESIN: That's, oh wow, that's a lot. This is going to hurt. That's a 1d4 and a 1d8. 13 points of damage.
LAURA: That sprite is just obliterated. Little, teeny flecks of blood splatter on the wall.
TALIESIN: I'm going to flip around on top of the desk and squish the one that is on the desk.
LAURA: Awesome! Okay, you jump up there.
TALIESIN: I am going to swing and squish that one. That's a 16 to hit.
LAURA: That hits!
TALIESIN: That's not going to be quite as hardcore, but it's seven points of damage.
LAURA: Seven points of damage. It's hanging on, but just barely.
TALIESIN, SAM, and BRIAN: Ah!
LAURA: All right, we're back up to the top with Ally.
LIAM: I will stay with the same strategy and I am going to swing my shillelagh like a golf club and see if I can smear that one against the wall closest to me. That's another a terrible roll. That is 13 to hit.
LAURA: It doesn't hit.
LIAM: It doesn't hit. Swing away, swing wide. No.
LAURA: It's laughing at you. It keeps darting out of the way going (mischievous laughter). All right, that is the sprites' turns. Oh jesus, this is a lot. The one next to you, Ally, is going to dagger at you. The first two do not hit, but the third one does.
LIAM: All right.
LAURA: Then that is-- what did I say?
SAM: You know.
LAURA: It's just a little thing, the daggers.
TALIESIN: Tiny daggers.
LAURA: Oh god, it's a lot! Okay. Dupe, dupe and a dupe. All right.
SAM: That's three dupes.
BRIAN: Three dupes until Christmas.
LAURA: Oh, but only one hits. Never mind, I'm going to roll again, only one hits. That is four points of piercing damage.
LIAM: All right.
ALL: (singing) Dupey, dupey, dupey, dupe.
LAURA: The one on the desk is going to attack you, Andy, for coming at her, with a bite.
SAM: He's a jock, though, he'll be fine.
LAURA: 12 plus--
SAM: Isn't he the jock? You're not the jock?
TRAVIS: I'm the rebel, bitch!
SAM: You're the rebel, you're the jock, you're the nerd. You're the burnout?
TALIESIN: That hits.
LAURA: Okay. That's 1d8 plus two, so that's six points of-- oh god, no! You have to make a constitution saving throw.
TALIESIN: Oh yeah, 22.
LAURA: Nice! That is five points of poison damage. Oh! Halved, because you saved.
TALIESIN: So three points of-- yeah, okay.
SAM: What house am I?
LAURA: You're a Dryffingor! The one in the corner with you, Brian, is going to attack you with three daggers.
SAM and LAURA: Dagger, dagger, dagger.
LAURA: Oh, natural 20! The second one misses, I think.
SAM: She is killing us.
LAURA: I know right? Sorry.
LIAM: We're going to send you to Abzkadan.
LAURA: Is it a ten, does that hit?
BRIAN: That's my armor class.
LAURA: The third one misses, you're lucky. That's two daggers. (laughter) Okay, that's eight points of piercing damage.
LAURA: All right, you know what? I'm pretty violent here. The next one down, it's just like hanging out in the corner. It's going to start taking its daggers and destroying the tapestry of the centaurs.
TRAVIS: Oh, not cool.
LAURA: The ones over by the books. Claire, you attacked them, why did you do that?
SAM: Because they were stealing the property of Schmogwarts.
LAURA: One hisses at you, and the other one flies at your face.
SAM: No! My beautiful face.
LAURA: She is going to try to bite your nose.
LAURA: Oh does a 13 hit?
LAURA: Awesome! Make a constitution saving throw.
LIAM: Did anyone at this table equip armor?
SAM: No, we were not told to.
TRAVIS: My AC's 12.
SAM: Mine is ten, yours is ten.
LIAM: I'm sitting at a 14.
BRIAN: What do you go there, big piggy pants?
LAURA: That's eight points of poison damage. Are you all going to die before we get out of this room?
TRAVIS: Y'all, we got this. We're fine.
SAM: We got like tons of healers.
LAURA: All right, Ally, you're up.
LIAM: Already? It's already me? That was fast.
LAURA: Oh, no, just kidding. Bryan you're up, the faeries went.
BRIAN: I will attack this son of a bitch in the corner still. With a fucking-- I think I'll do a Sacred Flame again.
LAURA: Oh nice.
BRIAN: So you must do a dexterity saving throw and you must beat 16.
LAURA: That did not succeed.
BRIAN: Oh! Then you must take 2d8 radiant damage.
TRAVIS: Oh there you go, that's a big one.
LAURA: Eight points. Did you already hit it in the corner at all?
BRIAN: No, not yet. Because last time I failed.
LAURA: All right, it's still hanging on. Just a little bit. Okay, Claire!
SAM: (screams) Oh, get off of my face! Oh, oh, oh! Begone! I don't know. I want acid to fly on you. I'll cast Acid Splash on this thing. It has to make a dexterity 14 save.
LAURA: Okay, that does not succeed.
SAM: So it takes three points of damage.
LAURA: It is barely hanging on, but it's alive. It's very angry at you.
SAM: Oh god! Can I just shake my hair at it to confuse it?
LAURA: Of course you can. It actually seems to enjoy it. It starts laughing as you do. Bunder?
TRAVIS: Pissed off, I cast Thunderclap at this sprite over here. Constitution saving throw.
LAURA: Okay. What do I have to get?
LAURA: I succeeded.
TRAVIS: I haven't done shit to this fucking sprite.
LAURA: I'm sorry.
TRAVIS: I spit at it.
LAURA: Ugh, it takes--
TRAVIS: I miss.
LAURA: Aww. I was going to say for a bonus action.
TRAVIS: I have sorcerer points, I don't know how that works, so I'm not using them.
LAURA: Oh that's right, you're a sorcerer.
TRAVIS: I don't know how that shit works, I don't have time for that.
LAURA: Ain't nobody got time for that! Andy?
TALIESIN: I'm going to take another swipe at that one that's not dead yet, on the table that was just mewling at me. I'm going to hit it again with my beater bat. Yeah, that's pretty good. That's 22.
LAURA: 22 hits.
TALIESIN: That's not too much damage. I just realized I'd done my damage slightly wrong, I've got a plus two bonus.
LAURA: That means you would have killed that first one.
TALIESIN: That's all right. That's 12 points of damage.
LAURA: Just obliterated. It's just splattered across your desk leaving a nice messy smear.
TALIESIN: I'm going to run over to you, and I'm going to smack the one that's right in front of you. That's fine, don't be impressed or anything.
LIAM: Do something to impress me.
TALIESIN: I'm going to use green flame again.
TALIESIN: Yep, that hits, that's 26.
LAURA: Oh wow, what?
TALIESIN: I'm a monster, I rolled a 19.
LAURA: It's those Smytherpin dice you're using.
TALIESIN: They're really good, I know. So that's an eight and a four, plus eight. My god, that's nuts. 14 points of damage.
LAURA: Again, you knock her down and splatter on Allison's shoes.
TRAVIS: One Smytherpin army.
TALIESIN: On green fire too, so it's flaming goop. I'm going to use my Second Wind to get some hit points back. So that's nine hit points back, and I'm done.
LAURA: Back up to the top, Ally. What do you do?
LIAM: He gets a look and then, very frustrated with how that went, I walk over to the other-- Slytherpin?
LIAM: I point this large shillelagh down just to focus direction and cast Thunderwave against the wall that's closer to it.
LAURA: Ooh, both of those? You walk over here and you're aiming this way?
LIAM: I was going to try and not hit the Smytherpin, so I will walk up next to Bender, Bunder, Blunder?
LIAM: I'm not going to hit him, I'm going to do it wide of him, and you have to do something, it just shoots out and it's a con save of 15.
LAURA: I'm going to roll for both of them. Neither one succeed.
TRAVIS: Christ, thank you.
LIAM: She takes 2d8. New classes. 14.
LAURA: They're both slammed up against the tapestry. This one impales itself on the other one's dagger and they both start sliding down the wall.
LIAM: I turn and look over my shoulder at the jock and just--
TALIESIN: You're bloody weird.
LAURA: Now it is the sprites' turn. The one in the corner with you Bryan, she's going to try and bite you again.
BRIAN: Come at me.
LAURA: That's a 15 plus-- yeah that definitely hits. Make a constitution saving throw.
BRIAN and TRAVIS: Plus zero.
LAURA: 12? It hits.
LAURA: That is six points of poison damage. Is our cleric almost dead?
LAURA: Okay, good.
BRIAN: All kinds of tricks up me sleeve.
LAURA: All right, the one next to you, Claire--
SAM: Ugh! Help me! Why is no one helping me?
LAURA: She's going to grab onto your hair and start pulling it to try to dagger-dagger your ear.
BRIAN: Because you're rude.
LIAM: Proper rude, proper naughty.
BRIAN: You're not as pretty as she is. Nor as charismatic.
LAURA: The first one, she gets tangled up in the hair. It misses. The second one definitely hits, and the third one, again she gets caught in your earrings.
SAM: My hair is just so luscious. I brush it 35 times every morning.
LAURA: That's four points of piercing damage to your ear hole. Yeah. The one over at the bookcase continues to stay over at the bookcase and starts shredding books, laughing the whole time. Oh yeah, this is a little bookcase over here. That's what this is. Tearing up the books, pieces of book go flying everywhere. Claire-- no, Bryan! What do you do?
BRIAN: I'm going to attack it with fucking-- with Inflict Wounds.
LAURA: Whoa! All right.
TRAVIS: Man, we got to start using bigger stuff. I haven't hit one of these fucking things yet.
BRIAN: Okay, so I need to roll for that one?
LAURA: Yes, you do. Roll for a spell attack.
SAM: Oh, boy.
LAURA: That definitely hits. Did you cast it at level one?
BRIAN: You bet your fucking sweet-- yes. 3d10.
SAM: Travis' earring is so off-putting.
LAURA: Oh, yeah. That little fairy is smushed amongst the plant. In addition, you also flattened the fungus that was attacking you in the corner.
BRIAN: This is my detention!
LAURA: Wow. Claire, you're up.
SAM: I'm going to do what I did before, and do a Magic Missile. Get off me, ew! One bolt is going to hit the one in front of me, and two the one on the bookshelf.
LAURA, LIAM, and TALIESIN: Aww.
BRIAN: That was the saddest dice roll ever. It wanted to land on the--
SAM: Your dice are terrible, Liam.
LIAM: These are Slytherpin dice!
SAM: Two points of damage to the one on my face.
LAURA: You did one missile at the one on your face and two at the one? It doubles.
SAM: So two hit points to the one on my face, and four to the one over there.
LAURA: Okay, nice.
SAM: Are any of them dead?
LAURA: No, they're both still alive.
LAURA: Okay. Bunder, you're up.
TRAVIS: Oh! It's me.
LAURA: Everything in this room has been splattered, so all that's left is Claire screaming like a--
TRAVIS: I'll run out down the stairs--
SAM: Help me!
TRAVIS: To the top of the stairs.
LAURA: Don't you--
TRAVIS: Forget about me. I'll strike a pose and try Ray of Frost again.
LAURA: Yeah, use your wands, wizards.
TRAVIS: Yeah. It's instantaneous, ranged spell attack. Natural 20. Smoke this business. Okay, here we go. (counting) That's 12 points of cold damage.
LAURA: That is completely wiped out.
SAM: (as Nott) I softened it up for you. Why am I talking like Nott? Ah, I softened it up!
TRAVIS: Listen, if you want to come give me a kiss, I won't, you know, turn it down.
SAM: No thanks. I'm not interested in you at all. Seen you walking around here and you're disgusting.
TRAVIS: Likely story.
LAURA: Andy, you're up. There's one sprite left, but you can't see it.
TALIESIN: No, but I've definitely heard the commotion, so I'm going to at least come running up to the stairs and see what's up.
SAM: There's a sprite down there.
TALIESIN: Can I see the sprite?
SAM: It's awful.
LAURA: Yeah, you can. Well, you can't see the sprite, but you can see fucking mayhem over here.
TALIESIN: I'll see if I can get in a position where I can see the sprite.
LAURA: You can come down like that.
TALIESIN: Yeah. I see it? I'm going to use-- it's gnawing on a book?
LAURA: It's what?
TALIESIN: Is it gnawing on a book?
LAURA: Yeah, it's ripping up pages.
TALIESIN: I'm going to use Catapult spell on one of the books.
LAURA: Wow, okay. And try to smash it?
TALIESIN: I'm going to squish it. That's a 14 dex save.
LAURA: Oh, I've got to roll. Oh! Natural one! Andy kicking butt on these little strikes. What a jock! What an athlete he is!
TALIESIN: That's-- (laughter)
SAM: Oh my god!
TALIESIN: That's 17 points of damage. To the book and the sprite.
LAURA: The book smashes up against the wall, the sprite gory on the other side of it. Slides down.
LAURA: In the aftermath, you realize you've kind of destroyed her office, in addition to the classroom.
SAM: What did you guys do up there? I was just down here minding my business, and you set these fucking things down here to mess me up? I blame you.
TALIESIN: That's fair.
TRAVIS: Me? Why would you blame me?
SAM: Look at you!
TRAVIS: Rugged good looks? I know. It's hard to imagine--
SAM: No! You're riff raff.
TRAVIS: Love me? You love me?
SAM: No, I don't love you.
TRAVIS: Want a kiss?
SAM: I don't want a kiss. I have plenty of other options, thank you very much.
TRAVIS: I'm here all day. I mean, we've got detention together.
BRIAN: We didn't send them down to you.
SAM: How did they come out?
BRIAN: They flew once we opened the fucking cage.
SAM: You went where you weren't supposed to, and you messed with something you weren't supposed to, and I got fucking scratches all over my beautiful face. I think you've learned a lesson: don't mess where you're not supposed to!
LIAM: Can I raid the entire desk while they're all arguing?
LAURA: Of course you can.
LIAM: Is there anything of use?
TRAVIS: Which tapestry did it start to tear at?
LAURA: The centaur one.
TALIESIN: Of course, the centaurs. This was the best one. What are you going to do about it?
LAURA: Gorgeous. It was really nice tapestries.
LIAM: They were all really well hung.
SAM: They look like they're moving.
LAURA: Yeah, they do.
LIAM: Yep, swing away.
LAURA: So Allison, you come over here. You go rifling through the desk. Let me see what you find. Nothing really of use, but you do find a lot of drawings of centaurs.
BRIAN: Oh, I like to do drawings!
LAURA: You see a drawing of a spider creature, which is, interestingly enough -- nobody noticed -- it's similar to a little spider that's sitting next to her desk under a little bell jar, a glass bell jar.
LAURA: Yeah, it seems like it. Not moving a lot, but it's there. She's also drawn pictures of horses with wings on them, skeletal wings. Yeah, that's all you find in those drawers.
TALIESIN: What about the good drawer?
LIAM: Can anyone get it open? Where's the rough one? Well, I suppose you're pretty rough. Can you get that open?
TALIESIN: I mean-- Are we doing this, then?
LIAM: Blame it on the fairies.
TALIESIN: I'm going check underneath-- I'm going to check the drawers I can open, see if I can find a key that's hidden-- if she's maybe done the thing where you hide a key where the--
LAURA: Okay, roll an investigation check.
TALIESIN: All right. 15?
LAURA: 15. You feel around the back. It seems like somebody's stuck a piece of gum under one of the drawers.
LAURA: You keep searching.
TRAVIS: I'll take that.
LAURA: Oh, that is so gross.
BRIAN: He'll chew on anything.
LAURA: You can feel, maybe, like a little bit of a lump. Something sticking out just a bit on the second drawer.
TALIESIN: I'm going to press?
LAURA: You press it, and the drawer opens up in the middle.
LAURA: All right. On the inside, you find just one sheet of paper, and it's a letter from Headmistress McLoglilagh?
(all repeat "McLoglilagh")
LIAM: Bob Loblaw strikes again.
LAURA: Letting Professor Furbin know that she cannot accept her request to become the professor for Care of Magical Screechers.
LAURA: Jesus! I don't know what I can say and what I can't!
LIAM: Guys, K. J. Dowling would be so proud.
LAURA: Saying that they have a really wonderful Care instructor already, but, should the position ever become available, that she will definitely let her know. You see little splotches of water on it, like she may have been crying over this.
TALIESIN: Now I feel bad.
TRAVIS: She really wanted to be a Care of Magical Screechers teacher?
TALIESIN: It certainly explains a bit. Still no way to open the main drawer, though, is there?
LAURA: No, that was the main drawer.
TALIESIN: That was the main drawer.
LAURA: She was protecting that poor, sad, little letter.
TRAVIS: Should we dispose of these sprites? Maybe a little prestidigitation to get rid of the gore on the walls?
BRIAN: I mean, we might need it to clean up the whole bloody place now, after you--you've--you whole lot wrecked the goddamn-- (laughs)
TALIESIN: I've never seen you so awkward in my entire life.
LIAM: I would like to also, in this room, search behind the tapestries to see if anything's hidden there.
LAURA: Okay, roll an investigation check.
BRIAN: Can I look for any way out of the room? Like if there's any way out of the room we don't know about?
LAURA: No, there's a classroom door. There's--
BRIAN: No, but I mean, like, is there any--
LAURA: There's no secret-- I mean, you can look, but--
BRIAN: You already told me. You already told me. Why waste a good roll?
LAURA: Five? You don't find anything behind the tapestries.
SAM: I will use prestidigitation to clean up some of the gore on me.
SAM: And fix up my face a little bit.
LAURA: Your makeup looks really good now.
SAM: And also I'll clean up some of the nasty bits, because I don't want the teacher to see.
TRAVIS: Yeah, so what's the story, right? They, like, broke out and got free and fled?
TALIESIN: I've got an idea. I'm going to find the lock on the cage. I'm going to take one of the tiny daggers from the little, tiny sprites and stick it in there.
LAURA: Oh, I like it.
TALIESIN: We got attacked. We heard a ruckus. We came upstairs.
TRAVIS: She might be coming back, actually. I'm going to run to the classroom door and just put my ear to the door to make sure that no one's-- I can't hear anything.
LAURA: Roll a perception check.
BRIAN: You're pretty clever for a meathead.
TALIESIN: I don't like getting caught.
LAURA: Ten. You put your ear against the door, and you can hear what sounds, maybe like, whispers on the other side?
TRAVIS: (shushing sounds) (whispering) Come here. Come here.
TRAVIS: Get over here.
BRIAN: Oh, he wants us to smell a fart.
TRAVIS: No, I hear people on the other side of the door.
SAM and BRIAN: What are they saying?
TRAVIS: What are they saying?
LAURA: It's very subtle. You can't tell. You can try opening the door to find out.
TRAVIS: I can't hear. It's very subtle.
TALIESIN: I'm going to do one last check for liquor in the teacher's office.
LAURA: (laughter) Roll an investigation check.
TALIESIN: No, nine.
LAURA: Aw. Alas, nein. You do not find anything.
TALIESIN: I give up, head downstairs.
TRAVIS: Is the door to the classroom locked?
LAURA: You can try the door.
TRAVIS: I'll try the door, but just to crack it.
LAURA: It's unlocked.
TRAVIS: I'll crack it a peak. What do I see?
LAURA: You see a pretty dark hallway. The school is shut down for the weekend, but-- normally, when you exit the classroom, which is down one hallway -- so your class is at a diagonal and a corner -- to the right is a hallway that you know leads up into the further west wings. To the left is a hallway that leads to the main stairwell that will take you down to the main entrance, the great hall, everything like that.
TRAVIS: Anyone fancy a bite to eat?
LIAM: We're just going to sneak out of here?
TRAVIS: Yeah, why not?
LIAM: What happens when we're not here when they get back?
TRAVIS: We say we were chasing after the sprites after they broke out, and we were trying to get them back for the teacher.
TALIESIN: Do you want to stay and wait for them to get angry?
BRIAN: No. I mean, I brought some MRE's with me, but I'll still go.
TRAVIS: Some what?
BRIAN and SAM: Meals Ready to Eat.
TALIESIN: I know why he knows that. Why do you know that?
BRIAN: He's been following me.
SAM and TRAVIS: She.
BRIAN: She's been following me.
SAM: I've not been following you. I just sit next to him in a lot of my classes, because I'm very smart and he's very smart. And I see him popping these things all the time. It's really gross. It's like astronaut food. They're like little freeze-dried pieces of shit, and he just eats them all the time. It's why he stinks to high heaven. It's disgusting. I know it's efficient or whatever, but it's not right, and I don't like it.
TRAVIS: You sit next to him all the time in class?
BRIAN: Yes, she cheats all the time.
SAM: I do not cheat.
TRAVIS: Oh, she cheats!
SAM: I'm making sure that you don't cheat.
BRIAN: Off you?!
SAM: I have had the finest tutoring and the finest education afforded to me!
LIAM: I've watched you do it, you know. In the back of three of your classes. I've seen it.
SAM: I've never seen you in a class with me.
LIAM: People don't pay attention to me much. Why do you care what we think or what others think?
SAM: I don't. When I finish here, I will get a job at the finest ... wizard ... bank.
SAM: Witch bank there is, and I will be just fine. You, on the other hand, will be rotting in some witch gutter somewhere.
TALIESIN: Blingotts, perhaps.
LIAM: I spin my wand and-- it's very pretty, but a ring of flowers making you look like a silly lion appears around your face.
SAM: Get off of me! I don't want to stay in this classroom any longer.
TRAVIS: I don't either, and while you two are flirting, I'll open the door and make my way out of the room.
LIAM: (whispering) Wait, wait, wait, wait. (normally) I wave my wand and cast Pass Without a Trace on all of us.
LAURA: Nice. So you going stealthy?
SAM: Is that how I don't ever see you in class?
TRAVIS: Yes, stealthy.
LAURA: Everybody roll a stealth check.
LIAM: Plus ten.
LAURA: Plus ten, yes.
TRAVIS: Ooh, thank god for that. 22.
SAM: Oh, the old Sam Riegel roll.
LAURA: Geez, Louise!
BRIAN: This is just a stealth check?
TRAVIS: Yep, plus ten.
LAURA: Well, you know what? Everybody else rolled really well. Okay, which way do you guys head? Towards the left or the right?
SAM: Where's the whispers? To the left?
LAURA: You heard the whispers over to the right.
SAM: To the right. And then to the left is towards--
LAURA: To the left is the big stairwell. You know it well. The stairs move. They'll take you to every level, but also to the main hall.
TRAVIS: We could eat if we go to the left, or we could see what these whispers are about.
LIAM: (whispering) I want to see what the whispers are.
TRAVIS: All right, we go to the right.
LAURA: Okay, as you walk by, you see what the whispers are, and they're the paintings on the wall. "Oh, oh, oh, oh." You see a painting of a jolly-looking man sitting. He's been looking very frightened, actually, frazzled. "Oh, students! Students! Do you know what's happening?"
TRAVIS: No, jolly old man.
SAM: Well there were sprites that attacked us in the room. Is that what you're referring to?
LAURA: (grumbles) "Pff. It's coming from down below. Did you hear it? The professor came out running."
BRIAN: What does it sound like?
LAURA: The painting next to him chimes in. "Yes, yes, yes. She seemed very frazzled. She seemed very scared indeed."
BRIAN: Which way did she go?
LAURA: "She ran below."
TRAVIS: Down the stairs? Down that way?
LAURA: "Mmhmm. Can you tell us what's happening?"
TRAVIS: We don't know--
LAURA: "We saw her talking to somebody, but we couldn't see who it was."
TRAVIS: No, we've been in the classroom this whole time.
LAURA: "Well you're of no use, are you?"
BRIAN: I mean--
LAURA: "Tell you what, children. Will you go find out what's going on? It's very dreary up here on the wall."
TRAVIS and BRIAN: Yeah.
SAM: We could tell you, yes.
BRIAN: We could come back and remember to tell you after whatever happens.
LAURA: "Remember everything. Tell me a story, won't you?" "Oh, yes," the man chimes in next to her. "Please, tell us a story."
TRAVIS: All right, stay put! We'll turn around and head downstairs, or towards the stairs--
LAURA: Towards the stairs--
TALIESIN: Is everybody feeling all right, by the way? We did just get attacked by a bunch of sprites.
SAM: I'm not feeling so good.
TRAVIS: What's wrong with getting attacked by sprites?
TALIESIN: You look a little pale. I mean, paler than normal.
BRIAN: I could use a little-- yep. How's everyone-- how're you-- yep.
TALIESIN: I'm all right.
SAM: Not so good.
TRAVIS: Well, as a Smytherpin, I'm not really, you know, concerned about people outside of my own house.
BRIAN: How are you doing?
SAM: Seeing as how the sprite attack was all of your fault, I think that you all should be responsible for making me whole again.
BRIAN: Oh, doesn't that just sound like the one percent?
SAM: Yes, I am the one percent, and I got there by hard work.
TRAVIS: You mean your parents did.
SAM: Yes, well, I inherited some of their hard work.
LIAM: Are you sure you're in the right house?
BRIAN: Did you get a small loan of a million wands when you was young? How bad a shape are you?
SAM: I have never felt worse.
TRAVIS: Are you really bad?
BRIAN: I could take care of you, but you should-- for one month, you have to tell everyone that we're best friends and you mustn't wink or give it away.
SAM: No, what-- Fine!
BRIAN: You must, with that plastic face of yours, convince people we're best friends for one month.
SAM: I will tell people that we're best friends for one month, but no one will believe that. They know you. They know how weird you are and how attractive I am.
TALIESIN: I would totally back that up. That's great.
BRIAN: Okay. I head down the hallway.
SAM: Wait, no.
LAURA: You're not going to heal?
SAM: I said I would tell people!
BRIAN: Not in a convincing way.
SAM: Fine. I will be convincing. Please, Bryan, please.
BRIAN: I face away from her, and I cast Cure Wounds for her.
TALIESIN: What's your AC, out of curiosity? How easy to hit are you? Are you nimble?
LAURA: Oh god, really?
TALIESIN: What's your dexterity?
TRAVIS: Nobody's above a 12. No, we have one 14.
TALIESIN: Your dexterity's 11.
TRAVIS: 14's the tank.
TALIESIN: But you're ten? We're going to need this.
TRAVIS: Under your shawls.
BRIAN: Nine points of healing.
SAM: Thank you, Bryan. See? Now that is a classy young man who's been taught well.
SAM: Not interested. I have plenty of boyfriends, thank you.
TRAVIS: In your Tiger Beat Magazine.
BRIAN: Pillow boyfriends.
LAURA: As you head down the hallway, you see on your right hand side there's a door that leads to your level one spells class that your took years ago, your first year at school. You all know it well. Then straight ahead is the moving staircases.
SAM: Is that a thing from Schmarry Schmotter?
TRAVIS: The door to the classroom is closed, yes?
LAURA: No, it's actually open.
TRAVIS: It's open. Just a quick peek in.
LAURA: It's a dark classroom. You can hear a little shuffling inside of it, actually.
SAM: Is it dark in there?
SAM: Would you like me to make some light?
TRAVIS: Can you do that?
SAM: Can I do that? I've been doing that since I was 15. Last year.
LAURA: The room lights up and in the corner you see a little house elf.
LAURA: "Ah! Oh! Students. Beetle is very sorry. Beetle didn't mean to be out here for you to see her. Ooh, please don't hurt me."
TRAVIS: You're out of place up here, house elf.
TALIESIN: Report. What is going on?
LAURA: "There's a bit of a commotion on the lower levels. Beetle is very sorry for it. Beetle hopes it didn't disturb you."
TALIESIN: What sort of commotion?
LAURA: "Well, hmm, Beetle wants to tell you, but--" Beetle starts hitting her head against the wall. "I just--"
TRAVIS, TALIESIN, and SAM: No, don't do that.
SAM: Who is your master?
LAURA: "Schmogwarts is my master."
SAM: Oh, you belong to the school.
LAURA: "Yes. Can't you tell?" She's wearing clothes. She's wearing a very nice little--
SAM: She's wearing clothes?
LAURA: Yes, she's wearing a frock with a Schmogwarts logo on it, actually.
SAM: Well, we are students of "Schmoschwarts." We pay the tuition that affords your fineries. In a sense, you work for us. So we would request kindly that you would tell us what's going on down there.
TRAVIS: You're Dryffingor, right? Jeez!
SAM: I don't know.
TRAVIS: You might be in our house.
LAURA: "Pretty student makes a very good point. Beetle wants to tell you. Beetle needs help."
TRAVIS: Help to tell us?
LAURA: "Hmm, no. Beetle needs help down below." That sounded really dirty.
LAURA: "Beetle needs help in the lower-- just-- Do you know where the Great Hall is?"
TRAVIS: We do, yes.
LAURA: "Please meet me next to the Great Hall." She apparates out of the room.
TALIESIN: Which classroom is this, one more time?
LAURA: This was level one spells.
TALIESIN: There's no potions in here, are there?
LAURA: There's nothing. There's just empty desks and a board at the front of the classroom listing spells that you all know like Light.
TRAVIS: Something is fishy here. Our teacher runs out, the portraits are scared, and now one of the house elves tells us to meet her downstairs.
SAM: Yes, something is afoot here. We should write a strongly worded letter to the proctors at this fine academy. And we should get a partial refund on our tuition and possibly accommodations.
TALIESIN: I'll go downstairs and hit things with sticks until they go away.
TRAVIS: I agree. Let's go. We head downstairs.
SAM: All right, I'll go too.
LAURA: You make your way out into the very tall pillar where you see a bunch of staircases moving. You know that one of them will take you down and as you start to get on it, it starts shifting slowly over like it's going to another entrance. Do you run down the stairs?
SAM: We get on!
LAURA: All of you run and make an acrobatics check.
TRAVIS: Fuck! Six.
LAURA: Nice. The three of you run, you make a flying leap and you make it across. Easy peasy, no sweat. What did you roll?
LAURA: Ooh, Bunder--
LAURA: And Andy, very surprising as such an athlete. As you run forward, both of you leap at the same time and actually run into each other, and as you leap you barely catch the edge of the archway.
TALIESIN: I hate this stairwell.
TRAVIS: I do, too. Allison, a hand? I'll pull up Andy with me.
LAURA: All right. All five of you safely across, you start making your way down to the Great Hall. You enter--
TRAVIS: Wands out.
LAURA: It's very dark. As you're walking down the stairs, you can see a raggedy looking cat crossing your path. She's looking around with red eyes. She crosses your path. Everybody make a stealth check.
SAM: Are we still Pass Without A Trace on?
LIAM: Yes, we are.
TALIESIN: We are still Pass Without A Trace. Natural 20.
BRIAN: Pass Without A Trace means what? I get what?
TRAVIS, SAM and LIAM: You get plus ten.
LAURA: All right. As you walk--
SAM: Before we walk in, I'm going to quickly thank Bryan for helping earlier, and designate you as my Ward.
BRIAN: What am I entitled to as your Ward?
SAM: Absolutely nothing.
BRIAN: Oh! Oh.
SAM: What was that? What were you doing?
LIAM: Flowers again.
LAURA: As you walk down, you spot Mr. Borris, who you know is the cat belonging to Mrs. Blinch. Yeah, the caretaker of the school. They will definitely report you if you're seen out of the classroom, so it's very good that you all rolled very high. You squat down and are very quiet as Mr. Borris pads out of the room and across the way and enters the Great Hall.
SAM: That was close.
LAURA: You very quietly make your way down the giant staircase into the entryway and look around. Poof! "Beetle! Beetle sees you, thank you for meeting me. In here."
TRAVIS: We hustle in.
BRIAN: Let's go.
TRAVIS: Into the Great Hall?
LAURA: No. Into a broom closet next to the Great Hall. All of you pile in. It's a very tight little room.
TRAVIS: I didn't even know this room was here.
LAURA: "Thank you for joining me."
SAM: Why have you taken us here?
LAURA: "I need help down below. Beetle needs help in the kitchens."
SAM: Oh like, to cook?
LAURA: "Hmm, no."
LIAM: Do you think you could maybe outline the problem you're dealing with?
TRAVIS: Are you talking about the dungeons?
LAURA: "Follow me." Beetle apparates out of the room.
LIAM: So infuriating.
SAM: She's going to the kitchens now.
TALIESIN: I don't even know where the kitchens are.
BRIAN: Well, the kitchens are in the down below place.
TRAVIS: Do we know how to go below?
LIAM: I mean, we go to school here, so it stands to reason.
LAURA: Make an investigation check.
LIAM: Every perception it's been two, three, two. Balls. Total balls.
LAURA: Your hair is in your face. How do you see anything?
BRIAN: Can I also make an investigation check?
LAURA: Yes. All of you can look around this broom closet.
LAURA: Oh, well. No need.
LAURA: Claire sees all. As you all cram into this broom closet and start feeling around--
SAM: Get away. I see something.
LAURA: Claire, you realize there's actually a very small doorway at the back of the broom closet.
TRAVIS: How convenient.
LAURA: It must have been what she was talking about. Do you enter?
TRAVIS: Will we fit through?
BRIAN: I could probably fit through there. Could we all fit?
LAURA: Yeah, if you crouch down, if you crawl you probably could fit.
SAM: I found it. I'll go first.
TRAVIS: Are you sure? It could be dangerous. It could be scary.
SAM: I know, that's why I'm going first. So I can spare you from pissing in your pants.
LIAM: Bryan, do you want to get behind her?
SAM: This is not flirty banter.
TRAVIS: I bet you. Keep it up.
BRIAN: Yeah, I'll get behind her.
TRAVIS: Winning me over.
SAM: Ward. Let's go.
TRAVIS: Ward? (high-pitched voice) Robin.
SAM: All right, I'll go through the doorway.
LAURA: All right.
TALIESIN: I feel responsible for some of this.
LAURA: All right marching order is what?
SAM: Claire, that's the armor.
LAURA: No, you're not. Okay, Claire the armor. Then Bryan. Then who?
TRAVIS: I'll be third.
TALIESIN: I'll go fourth.
LIAM: I'll be last.
LAURA: All right. As you guys make your way down this little winding stairwell, we're going to take a break.
TRAVIS: Yeah, I like it!
LAURA: All right, we'll be back in a little bit, I guess.
BRIAN: You're doing so good.
LAURA: And we're back. The Club o' Misfits heading down the spiral staircase to Beetle's lower levels. Yeah, did I just-- Oh I did, I knocked all you guys over. That's fine, because as you guys come down the stairs, nothing happens. You walk out. It's fine. You walk into a giant kitchen. It is a giant kitchen in the same shape as the Great Hall. It is humungous. There's lengths of tables like your house tables all the way down to the front, but instead of seeing your stage where your professors normally stand, you see lots of stovetops and cook prep. You have hearths on either side, three each, where they're cooking different types of stews and everything like that. You see a lot of house elves around. There's a ton of them busy working, getting ready for when all the students come back from Schmogsmeade.
TRAVIS: Excuse me. Hello. We're looking for--
LAURA: They all scream. They scatter. They go running, except for one. Beetle pops up. "Hi. Sorry about the mess in here. Most students don't see this. Okay, well, I want you all to know-- Beetle wants you all to know that your professor is occupied. I've told her there's an emergency situation and she was needed over in the East Wing, so I sent her that direction. Okay."
TRAVIS: Is there an emergency in the East Wing?
LAURA: "Um, no."
TRAVIS: You lied?
LAURA: "Ooh!" Beetle starts hitting her head against the archway.
ALL: No, no no!
LAURA: (sobbing) "Beetle is sorry for lying! It was important. If Professor Furbin knew that Beetle had lied, she would be beaten!"
TRAVIS: I cast Mage Hand and stop her from hitting herself.
LAURA: "Thank you, very tall, dark, handsome student."
TRAVIS: I'm sure you deserved it. It's okay.
SAM and BRIAN: He's not that handsome.
TRAVIS: Don't lie to yourself.
LAURA: "Professor Furbin has asked Beetle to help her in the past. Professor Furbin had Beetle gather up sprites from the Dark Forest behind the castle."
TRAVIS: Oh, you were the one that captured the sprites and put them in her office?
LAURA: "Yes. Professor Furbin is very interested in magical creatures."
LAURA: "She loves them, I guess. Beetle did gather up a spider as she asked. Yes, perhaps you students saw this spider?"
TRAVIS: Do you know why she had you gather up the spider?
LAURA: "She said she liked them. Beetle didn't tell her where she gathered it from, though."
SAM: Where did you gather it from?
BRIAN: You can tell us, maybe?
LAURA: "Maybe I can show you?"
TRAVIS: Whoa, Beetle, did you gather it from the Dark Forest?
LAURA: (hesitantly) "Yes."
TRAVIS: We're not allowed to go into the Dark Forest.
BRIAN: We're not allowed to be here right now.
LAURA: "Students don't need to go to the Dark Forest. Beetle can show you. Please, follow us. Follow. Follow." All of a sudden I'm Sméagol. She walks down the length of the kitchens. Do you follow her?
LIAM: (as Sméagol) What is it?
TALIESIN: I'm into this.
LAURA: Okay. In the middle of the frigging kitchens, you see a giant fucking hole in the floor.
TALIESIN: Is this normal?
LAURA: "Spiders weren't happy that Beetle stole a child. Beetle is sorry. Spiders wanted it back."
SAM: Oh. Like a big spider?
SAM: Oh no.
LAURA: "Please, spiders are coming out of hole. Mrs. Furbin would be very angry. Headmistress would be very angry if she knew."
TRAVIS: Should we plug this hole, then?
LAURA: "Perhaps students can just kill the spiders."
LIAM: How big are the spiders we're talking about?
LAURA: "Not very big. Bigger than Beetle, but barely bigger than students."
BRIAN: I've never plugged a hole before.
TALIESIN: We know.
BRIAN: You do?
TRAVIS: It happens to us all at some point.
TRAVIS: It was many years ago, I barely remember.
TALIESIN: So you're going first? Excellent.
TRAVIS: Now that-- Yes. I will go first into the hole.
LAURA: You're going to go down the hole?
LAURA: Mmkay. There's a giant hole in the ground and you can see a ramp. It looks like maybe a pillar has fallen and it leads you in a nice ramp down the hole so you don't have to drop.
TRAVIS: Didn't you have--
BRIAN: I can cast Light.
SAM: Oh. Excellent work.
LAURA: All right.
BRIAN: I'm going to cast Light.
LAURA: Down there.
BRIAN: Right down in that dirty little hole there.
LAURA: As you light up the hole, you can see it's a very deep hole. It goes down for probably about 60, 70 feet.
LAURA: It's dark at the bottom still.
SAM: Smart guy? You're just going to jump down into that?
LIAM: You're the one with experience plugging holes.
TRAVIS: No problem. I will jump on that pillar and slide down.
LAURA: Make an acrobatics check.
LAURA: Okay. You start sliding. Your feet start to catch on the stonework as you go and you actually stumble forward into a run, but you do land on your feet at the bottom of it.
TRAVIS: Just like I meant to.
LAURA: Do the rest of you follow?
TRAVIS: Totally fine down here. No spiders.
LAURA: Do you travel carefully or do you try to slide like this jackass?
TRAVIS: Don't judge.
LAURA: I don't judge, I'm a DM. I don't judge.
BRIAN: I saw there's a note written behind her screen that says it.
LAURA: Jack. Ass.
BRIAN: Do not judge. I'll go carefully because I'm not going to succeed in anything acrobatic.
LAURA: All right.
SAM: I'll go carefully as well.
LAURA: All right. As all of you travel down this pillar carefully, you land in this very large cavern. As Beetle said, there are spider webs around. You don't see any spiders, though. What you do see is behind you it looks like there's been a cave-in. Maybe there was a doorway behind you in the bottom of the cavern before and across the way, you do see a small doorway opening, but the main thing that you see-- Why don't I just show you?
SAM: Oh snap.
LAURA: Hold on.
TRAVIS and LAURA: Hold on, hold on, hold on.
TALIESIN: Whoa, that's a big map.
LAURA: Oh, I knocked all of you over again. Here you are. You landed all down here. Bloop. I don't know what's happened to the last one of you. You're apparently just dead.
SAM: Close to the screen.
TRAVIS: Oh yeah, by your left there.
LAURA: Bloop. All right. Hold on, I'll be right back.
SAM: What? Where are you going? Art & Arcana.
BRIAN: Guys, let's not forget. Why don't you hold this up and give that a spin?
SAM: It's so hefty because it's filled with luscious--
SAM: Luscious artwork on full color pages.
TRAVIS: The most extensive collection of D&D imagery ever assembled.
LIAM, TALIESIN, and BRIAN: Whoa.
TRAVIS: Yes! (screaming)
LAURA: It seems like you have landed upon a giant board of wizard's chess.
TRAVIS: Oh shit.
LIAM: What is going on?
LAURA: It seems like it's seen better days. They're battle damaged; some of the pawns are missing arms. There's a knight that's missing a head across the way. The king has been impaled through, but it's standing there and you all are standing on the board.
TRAVIS: Crazy that Schmogwarts would have a Lord of the Rings wizard's chess board.
SAM: A Schmord of the Schmings.
LAURA: Can we just show how hideous Schmagadriel is? She is so ugly. Anyway.
SAM: I mean, there's no other player, right?
LAURA: (gasps dramatically)
SAM: Oh no. Hello?
LAURA: No, there's nothing. You land on the board.
BRIAN: May I cast something real fast?
LAURA: Yes, you certainly try.
BRIAN: Okay. I'm going to do something call Beacon of Hope.
BRIAN: Do you know what that does?
LAURA: I do.
BRIAN: Okay. And then-- Beacon of Hope cast in conjunction with Prayer of Healing.
LAURA: In conjunction when you cast Prayer of Healing.
BRIAN: Yeah. So that way I can give everybody some extra HP. Yeah, I'm that gentleman right there.
LAURA: I'm going to mark this, so you know, that it's a concentration spell, Beacon of Hope.
BRIAN: Okay. So, I need to do--
TALIESIN: You've got an AC of ten, right?
TALIESIN: Oh for gods' sakes! I'm going to smack you in the back of your head and cast Mage Armor.
BRIAN: 2d8 plus my spell casting modifier. So 2d8 plus eight. Oh my goodness.
TRAVIS: It's big. Yeah! 23.
BRIAN: 15 plus eight? 23.
SAM: What's that?
BRIAN: 23 HP to six creatures. So if anybody is down in HP, you can do up to 23 hit points. I'm using this shit on my fucking self.
LAURA: Oh yeah.
TALIESIN: So everybody's maxed? Also, you're AC is changed. Your new AC is 13 plus your dexterity modifier.
BRIAN: Oh god. Thank you.
LAURA: So 13. What's your dex?
SAM: Seeing that happen, Claire is also going to cast Mage Armor on herself.
BRIAN: Okay, Taliesin, hit me one more time?
TALIESIN: 13 plus your dex modifier.
BRIAN: Oh, that's zero.
TALIESIN: You're at 13 now.
LIAM: And the Beacon of Hope gives everyone advantage on wisdom saves and death saves.
BRIAN: Correct. Thank you. I was going to get to that.
TRAVIS: Not that these poor kids won't be in any danger.
LAURA: Of course not! It seems perfectly safe down here amongst these giant spider webs.
TRAVIS: Do we see anything behind the chess pieces or the other side of the board across from where we are?
LAURA: Make an investigation check-- Or a perception check, rather.
TRAVIS: Perception check. That is a 17.
LAURA: You can see there seems-- You saw something pull back when you landed.
TRAVIS: On the other side of the board?
LAURA: On the other side of the board. Hiding behind the pillar over there.
BRIAN: Over where?
LAURA: This one that is standing upright. This one is the only one that's fallen.
TRAVIS: Okay. Do you think we have to play to get across the board?
SAM: Probably not. There's no one playing here.
TRAVIS: I'll take a step forward.
LAURA: Okay. You stepped here. All right--
TRAVIS: Oh shit.
LAURA: The board moves. The board moves to here.
SAM: (whispering) Oh no! You're the pawn.
TRAVIS: Yeah, I picked a really shitty starting place. We need to figure out which pieces we are.
SAM: Oh no.
LAURA: Yeah. Where do you guys want to be?
TRAVIS: You took me off.
LAURA: I'm just kidding.
SAM: Oh no, we have to play chess?
LIAM: So we need to step on the board somewhere?
SAM: I'm the queen!
LAURA: All right. No, that's you.
LIAM: I would be a knight.
LAURA: Which side?
SAM: I am not at all concerned.
LIAM: I would play on the far side. Your right.
LAURA: This one?
LIAM: No, your right.
BRIAN: Oh god, help.
TRAVIS: You want to be a bishop?
LIAM: Do you want to be the broccoli?
BRIAN: Yeah. Make me the broccoli, please.
TRAVIS: A tree Ent.
LIAM: That is broccoli.
LAURA: I know it's cool, right?
BRIAN: The albino broccoli.
LAURA: And Andy?
BRIAN: Weren't you in an a capella group, The Albino Broccoli?
TALIESIN: I'll take the castle.
LAURA: Which one?
TALIESIN: The castle on the end right there.
LAURA: This one?
LAURA: All right.
SAM: Oh boy.
TRAVIS: I'm a pawn. But I definitely took my two full things forward.
TRAVIS: That he clearly took two.
BRIAN: Yeah, did we get 30 feet of--
LAURA: Yeah, you did, but I thought you only moved forward one.
TRAVIS: I said I stepped forward.
LAURA: Okay, all right.
BRIAN: A merciless dungeon master.
TRAVIS: So now, we move next?
LAURA: I'll allow it.
TRAVIS: Should I just dispatch the--
SAM: Take the pawn. Take care of it.
TRAVIS: I will cast Acid Splash on that bitch.
LAURA: All right.
BRIAN: (whispering) Wait, but are we going to also have to fight a giant spider?
LAURA: As you do, it fades into nothing and you take the spot.
TRAVIS: Yeah! All right, play carefully, I'm out here by myself.
SAM: Don't worry, you'll definitely live because pawns always do.
LAURA: It's his turn now, and it's going to move to there. The knight moves forward, the pawn shifts out of the way as this knight slides forward and takes its spot. He's very intimidating, this knight on a horse.
SAM: What if we lose at this?
TRAVIS: Yeah, I'm a pawn. It's not good. In a very bad starting position.
LAURA: It's you guys' turn.
TRAVIS: Yeah, okay. Who's good at chess?
LIAM: I'll go. I will go two spaces forward and one to the right.
SAM: Can we move our other pieces that aren't us?
TRAVIS: Yeah, you can tell the pawns to move.
LAURA: Yeah, you can.
TALIESIN: We just have the ability to actually kill the other pieces if we so wanted to.
LAURA: This pawn's going to move forward two spaces.
SAM: Oi, you there in front of me, pawn, why don't you move ahead one space?
LAURA: As this happens, suddenly, three spiders come out of the darkness! One comes out from right here, and they're walking towards the board.
LIAM and BRIAN: They're so sparkly.
LAURA: I know, aren't they?
BRIAN: They're bedazzled spiders.
LAURA: This one comes out from this pillar over here, and this spider drops down from above over here.
TRAVIS: You can't leave the board!
BRIAN: Oh, funky butt-loving.
TRAVIS: Oh man.
LAURA: It's your turn.
TRAVIS: Are we in initiative?
LAURA: Yeah, sure, roll for initiative.
SAM: Oh god, what is this? We're playing chess and we're fighting spiders? This is the worst!
BRIAN: This is D&D Beyond. Hey, awesome. It's a four.
SAM: Is that dice jail over there?
BRIAN: Yeah. No, this is just--
LAURA: 25 to 20?
TRAVIS: 25 to 20. Nobody.
TRAVIS: 16. Cool.
LAURA: 15 to ten?
TALIESIN and SAM: 13.
LAURA: Okay. Claire and Andy. What did you guys roll?
LIAM: Nine for me.
TRAVIS: Nein for Allison.
LAURA: Man, clerics, they always go last. It's like a rule.
BRIAN: That's cool, man. I got all the AC in the world now.
LAURA: Whose turn was it?
BRIAN: It was your turn, I believe.
LAURA: Oh god! Okay.
SAM: Oh god, we're playing chess. This could take an hour!
LAURA: This pawn moves forward at the same time that this spider--
TRAVIS: Oh fuck!
LAURA: Rolls up and starts walking towards Allison.
BRIAN: I don't like that.
TALIESIN: Ah! I've got an idea. Second pawn ahead, two spaces. Not that one, that one.
LAURA: It can't move that far.
SAM: Yeah it can. On the first move, it can move two squares.
LAURA: No, I know, but the spider--
TALIESIN: Is it going to get into combat with the spider?
LAURA: No, the pawn just moves back. There's already somebody occupying that space.
SAM: Do the one space then?
LAURA: You could do that.
TALIESIN: One space, then.
LAURA: All right.
TRAVIS: I'm at the top of the initiative, right?
BRIAN: Yes, 16.
TRAVIS: Okay. Yeah. Fuck it. I'm going to cast-- No, I should save it, right? Who knows.
LAURA: Do whatever you want.
TRAVIS: I'm going to cast Tidal Wave at this spider.
LAURA: Do it!
SAM: Quite the chess move.
TRAVIS: 120 feet, 30 foot long, 10 feet wide, so maybe I can take a chess piece with me?
BRIAN: Laura, if he succeeds, just bring out the dust-off can.
LAURA: Oh my god.
TRAVIS: You've got to make a dexterity saving throw of 15.
LAURA: Okay. Oh no! I do not succeed. The spider does not succeed against the Tidal Wave.
TRAVIS: 4d8s, so that's (counting)--
SAM: You're not just focusing on the spider, are you?
TRAVIS: No, 17. Wow, that was a good roll. 23. That was like fives or sixes or something.
TALIESIN: What does that hit exactly, the Tidal Wave?
TRAVIS: It hits 23 points and knocks prone anything that it hits. It's 30 feet long, ten feet wide, so ten feet wide and ten feet tall. So let's say I did it this way.
LAURA: So you took out the rook and the pawn?
LAURA: Okay, hold on. Let me roll for them.
TRAVIS: If they can survive 23 points of damage.
SAM: Is it total damage?
TRAVIS: Yeah. 23 total.
LAURA: Neither of them save on their dex either. Okay.
TRAVIS: So these are knocked prone.
TRAVIS and LAURA: Goosh!
LAURA: That one is knocked prone as well. Okay. 23 to each of those?
TRAVIS: 23 to all three.
SAM: Total. Right? No?
TRAVIS: 23 each.
SAM: Each? Wow!
BRIAN: Nice work, mate.
TALIESIN: Where did you say you're from?
TALIESIN: That explains a lot.
BRIAN: North Leeds. Shit, we're going to be in the UK tomorrow.
LAURA: Did you want to try to move anybody on your side of the board?
TRAVIS: We did, we moved the pawn, right? That was our--
LAURA: Oh, that's right, they haven't moved yet. No, they did.
TRAVIS: Now it's their turn in initiative or--
LAURA: Oh god. Okay, okay, okay.
BRIAN: Did you roll for every single chess piece, too, Laura?
LAURA: I did not because these two, knocked over, are out of the fight.
LAURA: They can't get back up. All right, we've got the spiders' turns. This spider is going to come up here and attack Andy.
TALIESIN: All right.
LAURA: They're going to make a bite attack against you.
LAURA: Oh, that is 15 to hit.
TALIESIN: Oh yeah, that hits.
LAURA: Okay. That's 2d8 damage. Whoa. (adding) 15 points of piercing damage against you. Now you need to make a constitution saving throw.
TALIESIN: That was very cocked. That's a 23.
LAURA: All right, you save against that, so no worries. Now the other spider uses its turn to stand back up.
SAM: Oh no, he's still alive?
LAURA: Oh, he's still alive. He stands back up and he can get to about there.
TRAVIS: In melee?
LAURA: No. Let's say he can't get you yet. He's very waterlogged, he's uncomfortable.
SAM: This is the most complicated fight I've ever seen.
LAURA: Claire, you're up.
SAM: I'm up? To move as a chess person or to attack as a person person?
LAURA: To attack as a person person.
TRAVIS: You have Andy, Claire, Allison, Bryan.
SAM: All right. I will--
TRAVIS: Be brave.
LIAM: If Sam doesn't put lipstick on in the Breakfast Club fashion before this game is over, I will be sorely disappointed.
LAURA: You have to use your boobs.
TRAVIS: Oh yeah.
TRAVIS: If you haven't watched Breakfast Club, do it.
SAM: Wait, am I trying to fight the chess pieces or the spiders?
TRAVIS: All of it. Everything, there's no bad target. A little of both is double whammy.
LAURA: You remember that Beetle did send you down here to kill the spiders specifically.
SAM: Sure, but we also want to win in chess. Okay. I think I'm going to pick up my wand. I'm feeling a little cold today, so I'm feeling like there should be a bit of a snowstorm, and I will cast Snilloc's Snowball Swarm.
LAURA: Oh my god, okay.
SAM: Centered here so everything around like this, this, and this.
TALIESIN: What's the range on it?
TRAVIS: I love how wands naturally lend themselves.
LAURA: I know, it's so great, isn't it?
BRIAN: You guys should just keep these here for the--
SAM: 3d6 cold damage on a failed save of 14.
LAURA: Okay, so all of them need to roll. Okay, wait. I've got to say which one is which. This one's for the spider. That one definitely saves. This is for the knight and the pawn. They both fail.
SAM: So they each take 12 points of damage.
SAM: As the snowballs hit, the spider takes six points of damage.
LAURA: Okay. Minus 12 and minus 12 on the knights.
SAM: Uh-huh. Are they alive?
LAURA: Yeah, they're still alive. They're still standing.
LIAM: One-shots is for prop comedy.
TRAVIS: Yeah, it is.
TALIESIN: It's so true.
LAURA: Yeah, let's be honest. Next up is Andy.
TALIESIN: Well, I've got one of these coming at me, so I'm going to--
SAM: Should we move in our chess match as well?
TALIESIN: I'm going to do both, but I'm going to attack first, so I'm going to hit this thing with my club. I'm going to use the fire club first. I can do some serious damage. Wow! (counting) That's 18 points of damage to the spider.
LAURA: Ooh, okay.
TALIESIN: I'm going to hit him again. That's ten points of damage. How's the spider looking?
LAURA: He's still alive.
TALIESIN: If I walk away, he's going to take a swing at me, isn't he? I think we should probably move more of the pawns forward.
TRAVIS: Maybe clear a path for the queen?
SAM: Oh, you've also got-- our other rook could make a shot at the spider.
TALIESIN: Rook or pawn?
SAM and BRIAN: Rook.
LAURA: You want to move the rook up here?
SAM: Will it attack, or will it just stop?
LAURA: It will because it's wizard chess. The rook will move up and he'll attack the giant spider. Let me see. The rook is shaped like a giant castle, so it's weird to see pieces of brick come out and start flinging themselves at the giant spider, but it's going to happen. He makes an attack roll, and he hits!
TRAVIS and SAM: Yeah!
LAURA: Whoa! He does a lot of damage. Oh my gosh, I don't even think I have this many. (counting) What am I talking about, "I don't have this many?" I know! I've got a whole bag, but I didn't want to pull it all out because-- okay.
BRIAN: (quietly) That's what she said.
LAURA: Ha. (mocking laughter)
TRAVIS: (intones Mario theme)
SAM: How're you doing, ward?
BRIAN: I'm fine. I'm ready to fuck shit up. Proper-like!
LAURA: The rook does 28 points of damage to that spider, smashing him off the board!
LAURA: Yeah, get out, you fucking spider.
SAM: King me!
LAURA: Now that that rook has moved, this side of the board is going to take a turn, and it's moving its knight up here and claiming your rook. This knight smashes the rook to the ground. All right, next up is Ally.
LIAM: In typical Ally Sheedy fashion, I'm going to bite my fingernails and point my wand out, and at a range of 120 feet, cast Erupting Earth under the king and queen. A fountain of churned earth and stone erupts in a 20-foot cube centered on that point. Each creature in that area must make a dex save.
LAURA: Oh my god. So that's all of this in here?
LIAM: I don't know, it's a 20-foot cube, so that high.
LAURA: Okay, the king and queen?
BRIAN: You're a druid, aren't you?
LIAM: I'm a witch, it's Schmogwarts.
BRIAN: Oh, a witch.
LAURA: They're making dex saves?
LIAM: Dex saves.
LAURA: Oh, they both succeed.
LIAM: They take half damage from the attack. That's cocked. That's 12, and 12, and two. So 26-- 13 total, and then now 20 feet in the air on a pile of earth and rubble.
LAURA: That's 23 each, you said?
LIAM: No, it was 13 each. 26 total down to 13. Halved, yeah.
LAURA: They're risen up above? Jeez, I wish I had something like that. I'm going to put this here so that we know that they're above everything else.
TRAVIS: Yeah, Wyrmwood!
SAM and LAURA: Crit Role.
LAURA: Oh no, you won! Help me.
LIAM: I will use my bonus action to take on my animal form because I am an Anischmagus?
SAM: A what?
LIAM: A large, oversized badger-- of course-- is now on the field.
BRIAN: There's something over there for that.
LAURA: I'm going to use this.
TRAVIS: Of course there's a Horfleporf badger.
LAURA: Wait, no, I'm going to make you this snakey thing. There you go. You're now a badger! Honey badger don't care. Who's turn is it? This is exciting.
LIAM: Sorry. Oh no, I have to move like a chess piece, that's right.
TRAVIS: Yeah, do it, move a chess piece.
SAM: It's our turn to move a chess piece as well.
LIAM: So I'm going to not provoke attack of opportunity and come around to the front. Wait, is that what I want to do? Yes.
LAURA: All right. Bryan.
BRIAN: Is it possible for me to move Dildo Baggins here? Maybe--
LAURA: Well, this is technically Dildo Baggins; he's a knight. You can move one of these hobbit pawns.
BRIAN: Yeah, can I move them right here? Then, is this me, love?
BRIAN: Then, can I slide in behind him there?
LAURA: You can't move two chess pieces at once.
BRIAN: Oh, I have to move him or me? Okay. Is this 60 feet, do you think?
TALIESIN: Ten feet per square, approximately.
SAM: Also, we already moved a chess piece this match.
BRIAN: Oh. Well I thought--
SAM: I mean this round.
LAURA: Oh, you're right! Fuck you, this guy's going to move. Hold your fucking horses. This pawn is going to move right here.
SAM: Oh, into attack mode.
LAURA: All right, now what do you want to do? Do you want to move pawn or yourself?
BRIAN: Is that within 60 feet?
LAURA: Of you?
BRIAN: Yeah, me to the spider.
LAURA: (counting) Yes, it is.
BRIAN: Okay. I'd like to take out my Spiritual Weapon.
SAM: Which is?
BRIAN: Which is a giant Texas Instruments calculator.
BRIAN: I want to whack him!
LAURA: All right, roll for attack.
BRIAN: Okay. Oh gods, be good to me. (gasping) 18 plus eight.
LAURA: Oh yeah, that definitely hits.
BRIAN: Okay, and then it's going to end up being 1d8 plus five. Ten?
LAURA: Ten points of damage, all right. Still standing.
BRIAN: Then, do I have a bonus thing?
LAURA: I'll use this little beautiful spiritual weapon over here.
BRIAN: The spiritual weapon's a bonus action. So then can I, as a bonus action on my turn, move the weapon up to 20 feet and repeat the attack against the creature?
LAURA: No, because the bonus action is casting it.
BRIAN: Oh, I see, okay.
LAURA: Yeah, but you can do a melee attack-- Yeah, you can do a melee attack, that's about it.
BRIAN: Because that's a bonus action I can do melee.
LAURA: Or a cantrip as an action.
BRIAN: Okay. Well, I'm super far away for a cantrip, so let me end up doing another-- Oh, you know what, Sacred Flame 60 feet. I'll do Sacred Flame cantrip. Dexterity 16.
LAURA: Oh, it fails.
BRIAN: Oh. Okay, 2d8.
SAM: Wow, Bryan. That's my ward.
BRIAN: Nine more.
TRAVIS, LAURA, and BRIAN: Nein!
LAURA: What did you do the first time?
LAURA: Okay, it's still standing.
BRIAN: 19? Okay. Then I'll stay where I am movement-wise.
TRAVIS: Who were you shooting that at?
BRIAN: I was shooting it at this guy right the fuck there, mate, yeah.
LAURA: Oh, you were shooting at a spider?
BRIAN: Oh, yeah.
LAURA: I thought you were shooting at the pawn, dude.
BRIAN: Oh, no. 60 feet at the spider.
LAURA: Okay, wait, let me mark that off.
BRIAN: Yeah, so 19 points of damage to the spider.
TRAVIS: Still up?
LAURA: Yeah, he's still up.
LAURA: Now, it is back to that spider's turn. They're just hit, so this spider is going to crawl-- Actually, it's going to turn around and attack this badger that just came at it from behind.
TALIESIN: Honey badger don't care.
LIAM: Don't give a shit.
LAURA: Oh my god, this-- Give a shit. Hold on, I've got to find the page; this is so crazy.
BRIAN: Thank you, Ashley, for helping me with my cleric.
LAURA: Ooh, yeah, that definitely hits, that's a natural 17.
LIAM: Yeah, that hits.
LAURA: So the son of Aragorg is going to bite you. He's going to bite you.
LAURA: Oh, and he hits. That's a natural 19 to hit.
SAM: Oh no. But Allison's a badger.
LAURA: Yeah, make a constitution saving throw.
BRIAN: Wait, did your AC change in that shape?
TRAVIS: We don't have a flapolisk around, do we?
LAURA: A what?
TRAVIS: A flapolisk? Spiders flee before a flapolisk.
LIAM: Natural 20.
SAM: All of these jokes would make much more sense to me if I knew what you guys were talking about.
LAURA: You will take half damage as soon as I can find--
BRIAN: You've got some reading to do.
TALIESIN: Just some movies to watch, at the very least.
LAURA: 17 halved, so eight points of piercing damage.
LIAM: (growling) Badger form.
LAURA: Then, as a bonus action, the son of Aragorg is going to call forth his spider minions.
TRAVIS and BRIAN: Minions?
LAURA: He calls forth three swarms of regular old spiders, but they come from back here.
BRIAN: Hey, that's where I am!
LAURA: They come from over here, and then another swarm comes from over this way.
LIAM: Lair action!
SAM: Look at all of those Halloween decorations.
LAURA: Now it is Bunder's turn.
TRAVIS: Oh, yes, I will--
LIAM: Can we move me before I get pawned? As a chess piece-- it's our turn to move a piece, I think.
SAM: Oh, you can move a chess piece and a--
TALIESIN: Technically, I think how it is, is until we move, they don't move, so as long as we don't move--
TRAVIS: I'm going to come here, take this out, and I'm going to use--
SAM: Oh, we moved. Does he have to fight?
LAURA: Nope. He takes them out; that's a genuine wizard's chess move.
SAM: Oh, so chess moves just work.
TRAVIS: I'll cast Aganazzar's Scorcher 30 feet down this (counting), hitting those two.
SAM: That's a genuine chess move, so it automatically works.
TRAVIS: You've got to make a dexterity saving throw, 15.
LAURA: Okay. Glittery one is for the pawn. Oh, pawn succeeds, knight fails.
TRAVIS: (counting) 14 points of damage for the knight, seven for the pawn.
SAM: The knight had already been hit by snowballs.
LAURA: 14 points of damage?
TRAVIS: For the knight, and seven for the pawn.
LAURA: Let me add that up. Still alive.
TRAVIS: Both of them?
LAURA: Yeah, very much. The pawn just took--
LAURA: Yeah, the pawn is very much alive.
SAM and BRIAN: Dang.
TRAVIS: Was hoping that would be more than that.
LAURA: Now it's the chessboard's move. The chessboard is going to try to attack you, Allison, because you're right here with the pawn. It's going to attack you.
LAURA: Oh my god. There's so many pieces of paper here!
TALIESIN: So much paper.
LAURA: I know.
TALIESIN: I feel that. I remember that.
SAM: You're doing great, Laurs.
LAURA: Oh, a natural one on the pawn. Yeah, so the pawn feels broken, so it steps right back here, and the board's going to try to make a different move. So the bishop here is going to move forward and try to attack--
TRAVIS: Oh shit.
LAURA: So the bishop is going to attack for a 16 to hit?
TRAVIS: Definitely hits.
LAURA: All right, the bishop is going to attack you with 2d10.
SAM: Bunder, no! I mean, it doesn't matter, whatever.
LAURA: Oh, double ones.
LAURA: So that is eight points of damage.
TRAVIS: Eight points of damage.
TALIESIN: Oh my god, that's so rough.
LAURA: It doesn't work, so it moves back and it's going to try to take another move.
SAM: I don't know how wizard's chess works.
LAURA: It's not taking the pieces, so it's constantly trying to do the right thing. It's going to move this pawn forward to here.
SAM: Aw, yeah.
LAURA: Just kidding, to here. All right, now it is the spiders' turn. This spider is going to attack Andy.
BRIAN: Oh no!
SAM: Andy, do some jock shit.
LAURA: Oh my gosh, this spider doesn't succeed. That's a two plus-- No, that doesn't succeed. Now it is Claire's turn.
SAM: Claire? Oh god.
LIAM: Oh boy.
SAM: I will attack.
TRAVIS: Andy's before Claire.
TALIESIN: We share our numbers, so it doesn't matter.
SAM: Andy, you go first. Give me time to think.
TALIESIN: Okay. I'm going to keep wailing on that spider. Hopefully it'll go down at some point. Let's take two attacks-- I'll just start with one attack on that spider. This will be my flame attack. 16 plus seven, that I assume hits.
LAURA: That does hit.
LIAM: Taliesin's killing it.
TALIESIN: I know, it's crazy.
TALIESIN: That's 13 points of damage.
LAURA: 13 points of damage! With that, the spider is crushed beneath the weight of your club. Andy the athlete, once again, succeeds.
SAM: Claire will use Acid Splash on that spider that's menacing our badger friend, Ally.
LAURA: Can you do it that far away?
SAM: It's 60 feet.
SAM: 14 dex save.
LAURA: All right. And that you would also hit the pawn in front of you, wouldn't you? No, it doesn't matter, it's your teammate. Fuck it. Oh, that's an 18, that saves.
SAM: Oh, which does that take, no damage?
TALIESIN: Half, probably.
LAURA: Is it a cantrip?
SAM: No, it just saves. There's nothing. Aw, poo.
LAURA: Do you want to move?
SAM: Am I allowed to? Is it our move in chess?
LAURA: It's your move in chess.
SAM: Well, I can't move, but I can move one of the other players. I guess I could move one space out, but that seems like a waste.
BRIAN: You could move that pawn there to attack the spider.
SAM: Which one?
BRIAN: Or that Dildo Baggins right there. Can he move forward and then that challenges--
LAURA: They attack diagonally.
TALIESIN: But if it moves one then the next-- well.
SAM: Let's move--
TALIESIN: If it moves one, then the next attack will be its attack.
SAM: Let's move our bishop, Dildo Baggins over there, out one space to get ready for some business. It's business time.
TRAVIS: Hard to keep track of them over this short hobbits.
SAM: Yeah, they are almost the exact same design.
LAURA: I know, it's pretty fucked up. Yeah. God, this is difficult. Well, this one is going to try once again to take your piece.
BRIAN: Is that E.T.? It looks like E.T. from the back.
TRAVIS and LAURA: That's Sméagol.
LAURA: That's a natural 20!
SAM: Oh schnikes. The pawn is going down.
TALIESIN: Might be the end of you yet.
BRIAN: Might be the end of you, mate.
LAURA: It's going to do-- Oh, god. That's 2d10 plus six.
TALIESIN: Oh, yeah.
TRAVIS: Most are like five.
LAURA: That's cocked.
TRAVIS: Should have put Mage Armor on myself.
LAURA: 18 points of damage.
TRAVIS: 18? Excellent! Got some sweet battle damage.
LIAM: You got like five bucks or something?
TRAVIS: No, I'm in doubles. I'm in double digits.
LAURA: Oh, wait-- that was a crit, wasn't it?
LIAM: Oh, shit!
TRAVIS: Is that 36 points of damage?!
LAURA: Wait, no, because it's--
LIAM: The dice.
TALIESIN: Probably 28, is my guess.
LAURA: Times two is 24. That's 30 point of damage.
TRAVIS: I'm unconscious.
LAURA: Oh no! Bunder's down!
LIAM, TRAVIS, and SAM: (intone "Bad to the Bone")
LAURA: The bishop pushes you out of the way and the fallen body of Bunder is now here.
TRAVIS: Am I pushed off the board near the spider?
LAURA: No, you're just sitting there.
SAM: Oh no!
TRAVIS: (whispering) Help!
LAURA: Oh, I didn't roll initiative for those. They'll just go with him. Okay.
TRAVIS: Oh my god. I'm going to die.
SAM: You must have some sort of healing--
LIAM: You're a wizard, Larry!
LAURA: It's Ally's turn.
LIAM: Right. The badger is going to lay into the spider with a multi-attack, bite and claws. First, we'll do the bite. That is an 18 to hit.
LAURA: That definitely hits.
LIAM: Okay, so for the teeth sink in and do four points of damage.
SAM: Yeah, badger attack!
LIAM: Then claws. That is a six with the claws. That do not hit.
LAURA: Oh, they don't even hit. Oh god, okay.
LIAM: So just (growling) digs to the earth.
LAURA: Badgers are tough, though! They're real tough. Horfleporf forever!
LIAM: Not anymore.
LAURA: Okay. Bryan, it's your turn.
SAM: Do you need to get to Travis? I mean, what's his face.
TALIESIN and SAM: Blunder.
BRIAN: If it's touch, do I need to be there to touch him?
SAM: Why don't you-- Oh.
BRIAN: I can only move 30 feet.
SAM: Also, you can only move-- Oh wait, no! He's a horsey!
SAM: Okay, you can start getting over there.
BRIAN: Okay, I'll try and make my way over to d-bag over there, however far 30 feet is.
LAURA: So that's your move?
BRIAN: Yeah, that's my move.
TRAVIS: Oh my god.
BRIAN: Okay, so the only thing I can do is--
TRAVIS: Well, actually, that one can't hit me, but the spider can.
BRIAN: I can do Prayer of Healing again, that's 30 feet now that I'm closer.
LAURA: What's the casting time on Prayer of Healing?
BRIAN: That's duration... Ten minutes. Oh, fuck my--
SAM: The casting time is ten minutes?
BRIAN: Sorry, I'm new to cleric. Okay, then if I move--
TRAVIS: The struggle is real.
BRIAN: I can't really-- Since I don't waste my turn, let me try and attack. Can I shoot something at that spider?
BRIAN: I'm going to shoot it with a big fat chunk of-- I'll do Sacred Flame again.
BRIAN: Dex 16.
LAURA: It gets 16, so that's a save.
LAURA: But you do have your spiritual still sitting out there which means--
BRIAN: Okay, then I'll do as a bonus action my spiritual weapon melee attack. Is it just melee attack?
BRIAN: Yeah, okay. So do I need to do a--
LAURA: You add your spell modifier.
BRIAN: Okay. Oh, please. Natural one.
LAURA: Your calculator glitches, it just writes "boobs" upside down.
TRAVIS: Boobs. Starts playing snake.
LAURA: Son of Aragorg, it's their turn. The son is going to attack Ally once more, with a-- I guess it's very close, so it's going to do a bite attack again. Oh, that does not succeed. They are going to use their bonus action to move their swarms in and this swarm of spiders is going to go (scratching) and comes towards you. This swarm is going to over towards Claire. This swarm is going to go (scratching) and come towards Ally. Those swarms, they don't do a ton, but they're going to do-- That's a five against-- nope, that doesn't hit. Then the last one, this is against Ally. That is a 12?
LAURA: They're going to cover you and try to bite you in your badger form.
LAURA: All right, so that's 4d4 here. Seven points of damage.
LIAM: Okay, that's the total?
LIAM: Okay, Ally stands in her raggedy, normal form.
LAURA: Ah! All right.
LIAM: What was the total, did you say?
LIAM: Seven? Great.
LAURA: Where did I put you, Ally? I don't remember. Oh, you're over here. Bloop! Ally's back.
TRAVIS: She's back!
LAURA: All right. It is Bunder's turn.
TRAVIS: (burps) Death saving throw. Seven.
LAURA: Oh, no! Bunder! The spiders are dead, their turn is gone. It's Claire's turn!
SAM: Oh, jesus. Jesus, these spiders! Not really having anything else to do, I'm going to send Magic Missile-- no, that'll use my last 1st-level spell slot. I'll use Acid Splash to attack that same spider.
LAURA: Don't you have higher level spells?
LIAM: What are you saving them for?
SAM: Is this it?
LAURA: This is a pretty big battle.
TRAVIS: We're fighting D&D on a chess board. I don't know what else is in store.
SAM: I'll do Magic Missile.
LAURA: This is a one-shot, it's not going to go--
SAM: I'll do Magic Missile against the spider that's menacing our Allison friend.
TRAVIS: No short rest.
LIAM: I'll cast Mending.
SAM: All three darts.
SAM: Oh, that's good! 12 points of damage.
LAURA: Okay! All right, that's total?
SAM: Wait, what happens if I do it at 2nd-level? Oh, that's an extra four points. I'll do it at 2nd-level! That's 16 points of damage!
LAURA: All right. Minus 40-- all right, 45 points down, good job. We're at Andy.
SAM: Oh, wait, do we move? Chess-wise?
LAURA: No, the chess board has not moved.
SAM: Is it our turn?
LAURA: No, you haven't taken your turn yet.
SAM: I'm going to move Bryan up to right there.
BRIAN: Ugh, yes.
LAURA: All right. It's Andy's turn.
TALIESIN: I'm kind of stuck, aren't I? I'm going to try something weird. I'm going to cast Grease on the king and queen.
SAM: It's the word.
TALIESIN: They're the ones that I want. They're the ones that-- Oh, oh, oh. Wait.
LIAM: I got chills.
LAURA: Up high, all right.
TALIESIN: I'm casting Grease on those two there. They have to make a dex save of 14.
LAURA: Okay. The king succeeds, the queen fails.
TALIESIN: She is prone.
LAURA: Oh, the queen knocked prone, which means she is wiped off the board.
TALIESIN: Also, this is up for a minute, and a creature that enters the area or ends its turn there must also succeed on a dexterity saving throw or fall prone. So if he tries to move, he has to try again.
LAURA: Got it. Very nice! It is the board's turn to move.
TRAVIS: Did you move a piece?
BRIAN: We moved me up to you.
LAURA: This piece is going to come over here. That's a dumb move, but it's doing it. It's taking this pawn. All right, now it is Ally's turn.
LIAM: Ally starts to twist her wand in the air in a big circle and a gigantic cloud appears over the entire chess field and all of us, and lightning comes down on the king.
LAURA: Holy shit!
LIAM: Level three. So that is a dex save, 15.
LAURA: Natural 19.
TALIESIN: Can't fuck with the king, man.
LIAM: Oh, that's the wrong die. It's all ten sides. (counting) 22, so 11 points of lightning damage on the king.
LAURA: All right, the king looks a little hurt.
LIAM: The storm keeps roiling above us all.
LAURA: Awesome. Bryan?
BRIAN: Okay, I am going to cast Cure Wounds right into his heart. That's 1d8 plus five. Ten.
TRAVIS: Ten points. I'll take it.
LIAM: Did you have a wand to your chest like Pulp Fiction? (gasping)
BRIAN: The adrenaline jump? Yeah.
LAURA: All right, do you want to do anything else?
BRIAN: I also would like to-- let's see, where should we go? I don't want me to have to be the movement, though, for the whole round.
SAM: We haven't moved yet this round.
BRIAN: We moved me last time, so I don't want to move again. I think maybe bonus action-- no, spiritual weapon's going to use another spell slot.
LAURA: No, spiritual weapon stays up, so it's right there. For your bonus action, you can attack again.
BRIAN: Okay, then who should I hit, guys?
SAM: The spider!
BRIAN: I'll hit the spider.
LAURA: All right. Roll for attack.
TALIESIN: I believe in you. You can hit things.
LIAM: Come on, Brian and Bryan.
BRIAN: That's an 11.
LAURA: That doesn't hit. That's okay, your calculator is really cool looking.
BRIAN: Thank you.
TRAVIS: Yeah, buddy! Thanks for the save, though.
LAURA: All right, up is the son. He's going to attack Ally once more. All right, that's a nine, so 15.
BRIAN: I forgot to ask you: weed for a month for healing you.
BRIAN: You must give me weed for a month.
SAM: You smoke?
BRIAN: Occasionally, I like to smoke and listen to Dr. Stephen Hawking.
LAURA: 13 points of damage against Ally.
LIAM: Got it.
TRAVIS: 13 points?
SAM: Of all the scientists, that would not be the one I would pick out to listen to.
LAURA: And make a constitution saving throw.
LAURA: Oh, you succeed. All right, Bunder. Newly revived, you are up.
TRAVIS: (panting) I fucking hate chess. I'm more of a checkers guy. I'll cast Fireball, my last 3rd-level spell, right at the king.
LIAM: Big finish.
TRAVIS: Yeah. You have to make a dex save of 16.
LAURA: Oh, big fail.
TRAVIS: Nice! 8d6. (counting) 28.
LAURA: The king burns up and falls to its side. All of the pieces on the chess board kneel down and bow to you.
SAM: And the spiders too?
TALIESIN: No, probably not.
TRAVIS: We have a move?
LAURA: There's no moves!
TRAVIS: I'll just go here (sizzling).
LAURA: I like it. Use your wands, I like that. All right, Claire.
SAM: I'll move up and around towards this spider. Is this the last spider?
BRIAN: There's one, two, three. There's two babies and a biggie.
LIAM: Concentration check. Was that what the con was for or something else?
LAURA: The constitution saving throw.
LIAM: I need to make a concentration check. It was 13 points of damage, and it'll be a ten, right?
LAURA: Oh, for your lightning storm, yeah.
LIAM: Yeah, to hold it up. Natural 20.
LAURA: It's good that you remembered.
SAM: I'll move up towards the spider.
LAURA: Which one? This one?
SAM: Yeah, the big one.
LAURA: So you were here. Ten, 20, you can get up there.
SAM: Oh, that one gets an attack of opportunity, though.
LAURA: Yeah, the swarm of spiders attacks you as you walk away from it, but that's okay. It's just a little swarm, it's no big deal. That's a ten to hit?
LAURA: Ooh, okay.
SAM: I will cast-- oh shit, I'll hit something else, won't I? Oh well. I'll cast Dragon's Breath.
LAURA: Holy shit.
SAM: With lightning damage, we'll say. A 15-foot cone. They have to save with a dex 14.
LIAM: Isn't it that way?
LAURA: Oh, natural 16!
SAM: Oh no, but I think I still get half damage. Ooh, good roll. 15 points, so halved, seven points of damage to both spiders and probably the spiritual weapon and probably one of our pawns.
LAURA: That's fine. You don't need the pawn. It doesn't fucking matter. Wait, so seven points, you said?
SAM: Seven points to the spider who saved. What about the other spider?
LAURA: They have to make a save?
SAM: Yeah, 14.
LAURA: They fail.
SAM: Okay, so that's 15 points of damage to that spider.
LAURA: Swarm of spiders (scuttling).
SAM: Yeah! I'm breathing lightning on you! Wow. Greased lightning!
LAURA: All right, Andy, you're up.
TALIESIN: I'm going to run up to that big spider and I'm going to smack him.
LAURA: You fly in and you attack him with your club.
TALIESIN. The first one is a ten.
LAURA: All right, that doesn't hit.
TALIESIN: All right, let's fire up the swing again. 21.
LAURA: 21 hits!
TALIESIN: All right, I lose my big hit, but that's okay. That's 12 points of damage.
LAURA: 12 points of damage, all right.
TALIESIN: I'm going to burn an extra action, so I get another action, which is two more attacks, I believe. I'm going to take two more attacks.
LAURA: All right.
TALIESIN: That's a miss and 16.
LAURA: 16 hits.
TALIESIN: Okay, one more hit. That's nine points of damage. I'm whaling on him.
LAURA: He looks like he's hurting a bit. Bunder, it is now your turn.
TRAVIS: Is it?
LAURA: Just kidding, I was looking at spiders. Never mind. It's Ally's turn.
LIAM: Okay, the storm is still roiling and I'm still swiveling the wand and (crashing) down on the big spider. That is another save it has to make. What kind? It's a dex, 15.
LAURA: Oh, it's a fail.
TRAVIS: Would you say it's been thunderstruck?
LIAM: That's a total of 16 lightning damage.
LAURA: Whoa! 16 points of damage. Oh my gosh. Let me do my math here. All right.
SAM: Is it looking pretty rough?
LAURA: It's looking pretty rough.
TALIESIN: This is like the end of It right now.
BRIAN: Hey bruv, I'd like to--
TRAVIS: I cast Dispel Magic on your fucking accent.
BRIAN: I'd like to move right up to that spider and, just to be sure this goes well, I would like to do Inflict Wounds at 3rd-level.
LAURA: Oh my god!
BRIAN: Melee spell attack.
LAURA: Yeah, make an attack hit.
BRIAN: Attack plus--
TALIESIN: Spell attack modifier.
TRAVIS: Plus eight.
BRIAN: 18 plus eight.
LAURA and TALIESIN: Oh yeah, that definitely hits.
BRIAN: Okay, then in that case, Miss Dungeon Mistress, let's go ahead and do--
LAURA: That's 5d10.
SAM, TRAVIS, and LIAM: Oh!
BRIAN: Luckily, I have five of them here with me. (counting) 29.
LAURA: Yeah. These spiders are just guts. Guts everywhere splattering up to these pawns in these--
TRAVIS: Not bad, dweeb. Not bad.
BRIAN: Thank you, I've been practicing.
LAURA: All right. We're back up to Son of Aragorg! Going to spin around here and attack Andy since he did so much damage to him.
TALIESIN: That's fine. I have an AC of-- oh no.
LAURA: Ooh. Yeah, that's a natural 19.
TALIESIN: Yeah, no. That hits.
LAURA: That's a bite attack. That'll do 16 points of piercing damage and I need you to make a constitution saving throw.
TALIESIN: Ugh! 11?
LAURA: Ooh! That is what you needed to hit so that means I hit you with poison damage.
TALIESIN: I might be out.
TRAVIS and BRIAN: No.
LAURA: Ten points of poison damage.
TALIESIN: I am not out!
TRAVIS: Yeah! Smytherpin!
LAURA: For bonus action, he's moving-- this is the last swarm of spiders. (skittering)
LAURA: They're going to come over to Claire and try to attack her again.
LAURA: So they're going to bite at you.
SAM: I don't like this.
LAURA: Natural one.
SAM: I don't-- Spiders are beneath me.
LAURA: They can smell the amount of perfume that you're wearing and it does not attract them.
SAM: Everything I learned about my character I learned by looking at the poster. I think she's uppity. I don't know anything about--
LAURA: Bunder, you're up.
TRAVIS: Oh, I am up? Amazing. That's crazy. I will cast Agana-- Agazzna-- Yeah, no! The scorcher! At the big spider-der.
TRAVIS: Yep. Dex save of 15.
LAURA: Ooh! It succeeds.
TRAVIS: Shit. All right, so you take half of (counting) 15, so seven. Seven points of damage.
LAURA: Ooh, yeah. He is looking really rough here.
TRAVIS: With my bonus action, I'll wink at Claire.
SAM: (gasp) With my bonus action, I get a little moist.
BRIAN: Goddamn it!
LAURA: All right, that was your bonus action. What's your action, Claire?
BRIAN: We couldn't get through one--
TALIESIN: One. Just one.
BRIAN: Look. I'm gouging my eyes out with my wand.
SAM: Oh, those aren't real glasses, are they?
BRIAN: Movie magic, friends.
LAURA: What would you like to do, Claire?
SAM: I still have whatever my spell was-- Dragon's Breath up! It lasts! I'm going to (belches) again right on the thing.
LAURA: Out your mouth?
BRIAN: Are you sure your moistness isn't going to affect the flames?
SAM: Lightning comes out of my mouth.
SAM: So it has to make a dex 14 save.
LIAM: Molly Ringwald belching lightning.
TRAVIS and BRIAN: Yep.
LAURA: That does save with 15.
SAM: Oh well. Ugh.
LAURA: Probably won't matter.
SAM: Three points of damage.
LAURA: Three points of damage is enough! How do you want to do this, Claire?
SAM: I want to angle the blast so that when the spider explodes and splatters, it splatters towards our little Ally over here and gets all chunky in her hair.
LAURA: Ugh, guts just explode. You're covered in red and purple and black guts, Ally. It goes with your motif though. It looks good with your outfit.
TRAVIS: Mixes in with the dandruff.
LAURA: Yeah. All right.
LIAM: I turn into a badger.
SAM: Oh wait. There's spiders behind me.
LAURA: Yeah, but it's not their turn. Andy?
TALIESIN: Tempted to just wait and let it just work itself out. Yeah, I'm just going to saunter over to the spider.
TRAVIS: Just the one?
LAURA: It's a little swarm. It's a swarm of spiders.
TALIESIN: I'm not even going to break eye contact. I'm just going to swat at it without breaking eye contact.
LAURA: All right, roll with disadvantage.
SAM: Oh, nice!
LAURA: Oh my god!
TRAVIS: Not even scared.
LIAM: Typical Smytherpin.
TRAVIS: Uh-huh. Nice job, sporto.
TALIESIN: That's 17 points of damage.
LAURA: Yeah, these spiders are just squished.
SAM: Man! The Sorting Mat got it right with you.
SAM: I don't know! I'm trying to talk--
LAURA: As you all stand there taking in--
LIAM: Actually, Ally uses a bonus action to turn into a badger and grapples Claire to the ground to roll the funk all over her.
LAURA: Make an attack roll.
SAM: No! My fine clothes!
BRIAN: Now you're moist and funky.
LIAM: Oh, it's a badger attack. Hold on. Creatures. That's an eight. Super low.
SAM: Oh no, I have--
LIAM: Does it hit the AC?
SAM: I'm okay.
LIAM: So she dances out of the way?
LAURA: Now you just run up and you stand up and you put your paws on her shoulders and you look at each other face to face. Claire to badger eyes.
SAM: What are we doing?
LIAM: Is it Sixteen Candles now?
TRAVIS: I cast Friends and they make out! No, I'm just kidding.
SAM: What are we doing? I'm sorry that I splattered spider guts all over you. That was wrong of me.
TRAVIS: You just killed Taliesin.
BRIAN: Can I do something?
SAM: We're not so different, you and me.
LAURA: What would you like to do?
BRIAN: Can I cast Command on her and make her grovel?
LAURA: You can certainly try.
TRAVIS and BRIAN: What is it?
BRIAN: It's a wisdom 16.
TALIESIN: Oh, that's not going to go well.
SAM: Nine plus five?
LIAM: You have advantage on wisdom saves.
LAURA: That's true because he cast Beacon of Hope!
TRAVIS: One more chance!
SAM: It's tons.
LAURA: You succeed. You start to cast Command on her and then you think better of it. You start to realize that, you guys, you succeeded in something pretty major together from all different walks of life.
SAM: Yeah. You don't have to Command me. I'll grovel anyway. I know I was a bitch to you guys before and it's only because I really just, deep down, want to fit in. Also, side note: I'm a virgin. I read that on Wikipedia during the break. Thought I should admit that to you now.
TRAVIS: I have an unhappy home life. I do care about things.
BRIAN: My parents forced me to get good grades.
SAM: What about you, jock?
TALIESIN: I'm fine. I think we're all just really messed up--
SAM: And you, honey badger?
LIAM: The badger is peeing down the front of your--
SAM: You know? I told you we weren't so different.
LAURA: As all of you sit and talk to each other, Beetle pops back in. "Oh, Beetle thanks you--"
LAURA: "Beetle thanks you. Thank you! The school is saved! Here, quickly! Make it up to your classroom. I will try to distract the Professor before she gets back."
TRAVIS: Do you have a plortbee or do we have to run back?
SAM: A what?!
LAURA: "Run! You cannot apparate within the school. Run as fast as you can!"
TALIESIN: I'm pretty fast.
TRAVIS: All right, yeah. Double dash. Haul our ass back upstairs.
LAURA: Haul ass back to the classroom?
TRAVIS: Yeah. (running noise)
TALIESIN: Now it becomes Ferris Bueller.
LAURA: Yeah, right? As you guys come flying up the stairs--
SAM: I will literally come flying up the stairs. I cast Fly.
LAURA: Oh, I like it.
SAM: I grab a broom!
LAURA: Yes, you fly up your stairs. You pass by the cat again and Mrs. Blilch, the groundskeeper. I don't remember what I said. They stare at you as you fly up. You fly up across the moving staircases. You all are running.
LIAM: Yeah, and we have that one moment where they skid around the floor around the corner.
LAURA: Yeah, definitely. You do that. You run up the staircases. Make an acrobatics check as all of you try to jump to the next level except for you, Claire.
LAURA: All of you run and jump. Bryan starts to fall. Does any of you save him?
SAM: I have a feature where if he's in danger, because he's my ward, I can switch places with him.
LAURA: What?! That's so cool! Really?
SAM: Yeah. I think he has to be close to me, but I don't really know where we're placed.
LAURA: Yeah, you're close. Sure. Whatever.
SAM: I will switch places with him--
BRIAN: Oh wow.
SAM: Which will put him in the air?
LAURA: That'll put him safely across.
LAURA: You're flying now. So you're where he was?
LAURA: You fly up and you guys are heading up the hallway. Quickly, you pass by your level one spells class. You can hear, down the other hallway, the footsteps of Professor Furbin.
LAURA: Do you try to make it across the hallway and into the classroom before she sees you?
LIAM: I cast Pass Without a Trace!
BRIAN: I cast Silence.
LAURA: Oh! Everybody roll stealth and with advantage because of that.
LIAM: Plus ten with advantage.
TALIESIN: Thank god!
LIAM: Jesus, so bad. 15.
LAURA: Plus ten?
LIAM: Yeah. Rolled a two and a three.
LAURA: It's okay. Everybody else did really well, so you guys slide into the classroom, run for it, and take your seats at the desks in just enough time to hear the door turning and Professor Furbin walks in. She stares at all of you. "I'm glad to see you haven't moved from your seats like I asked." She walks up the stairway, goes into her office, giving you just enough time--
SAM: To write an essay?
LAURA: To write this and leave it on your desk before all of you leave.
BRIAN: I don't read.
LAURA: No, you're supposed to read it, Brian! Jesus Christ! Watch the fucking Breakfast Club!
BRIAN: (terrible British accent) "Dear Professor Furbin, we accept the fact that we had to sacrifice a day in--"
TRAVIS: Oh boy.
BRIAN: "We accept the fact that we had to sacrifice a day in Schmogsmeade to be in detention. I mean, what we did was pretty shady, but we think you're crazy to have us write an essay telling you who we think we are. You see us as you want us to see us. In the simplest of terms, the most convenient definitions, but what we've discovered--"
LAURA: I'm sorry I made him read it. I'm sorry.
BRIAN: "Is that each one of us is a brain, an athlete, a honey badger--"
SAM: An "oth-lete?!"
BRIAN: "A princess, and a criminal. Also, we're pretty tits at killing spiders. Does that answer your question? Sincerely yours, the Club of Misfits."
TRAVIS: Hold that freeze frame!
LAURA: And we're out.
TRAVIS: Oh my god. Yeah! Laura!
LAURA: Yeah! Good job, you guys.
BRIAN: That was so fun.
SAM: It had spiders. It had chess.
TRAVIS: It had wizard's chess. Holy shit! Oh my god.
SAM: This makes me want to go read Schmarry Schmopper.
LAURA: Read some Shmarry Shmotter and watch The Breakfast Club.
TRAVIS: How was it? How was your first one shot?
LAURA: That was terrifying.
TRAVIS: DM seat.
LAURA: I think--
SAM: How long did it take you to prep? Days? Hours? Minutes?
LAURA: Days. Days of prep and then all of it goes just goes "Ah!" in the moment, right?
LAURA: Hard to sleep beforehand thinking about everything that's going to happen.
BRIAN: Did you consult the dungeon master, Matthew Mercer VO?
LAURA: I did. I gave him a phone call and he helped me out some and I also used my D&D Beyond. I looked up a lot of monster stats and everything like that. I got all these pieces of paper.
TRAVIS: How much of an inspiration was your son, Ronin?
LAURA: Oh, just so much. He was the king that--
BRIAN: That we destroyed?
LAURA: No, that was on our side. Yeah, sure. Whatever.
BRIAN: He was the king you fireballed.
LAURA: You guys were great.
TRAVIS and BRIAN: You were great!
LAURA: This was fun. It was really fun. It was really just an excuse so we can all dress up in these outfits.
TRAVIS: Happy "Harroween!"
SAM: If you're in England, we'll see you tomorrow or the next day?
BRIAN: Saturday-Sunday so yeah, we'll see you Saturday and Sunday.
TALIESIN: We have to check to see if your passport has been revoked for that accent.
BRIAN: Nope! No way! I am going to spend the weekend in Heathrow, my friends!
LIAM: There was England; Australia; New Zealand; Schenectady, New York.
BRIAN: I want everyone to feel included.
LAURA: All right. I guess tune in next week and see what happens with Mighty Nein and until then, love each other and is it Thursday yet?
BRIAN: Oh, drippy balls.