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List of Transcripts

Pre-ShowEdit

MARISHA: Hi, everyone, and welcome to tonight’s episode of Critical Role! Trinket’s Honey Heist! Oh my god. I would like to start off by saying that this is terrifying. And that’s it! So, let’s get to our announcements really fast. I believe we have a sponsor, right, Sam Riegel?

SAM: We do have a sponsor tonight. Our sponsor tonight is Marvel Puzzle Quest, friends of the show. Now, here’s the thing. I was so excited about the Honey Heist and having Marisha Ray as our DM, I forgot to write an ad for Marvel Puzzle Quest. Don’t worry, though. We’re in good hands. I prepared for such an event. A long time ago, I recorded a generic ad, so we’ll just play that in its stead, because I didn’t write anything original. So guys, go ahead and roll that generic ad. Here it comes. Little delay. It’s going great.

OFF-SCREEN VOICE #1: Hey big bro, what you doing?

OFF-SCREEN VOICE #2: You’re such a dweeb, little bro. You haven’t heard of–

SAM: Marvel Puzzle Quest!

VOICE 1: Sounds awesome, but wait. What’s–

SAM: Marvel Puzzle Quest!

VOICE 2: Dude, it’s the best–

SAM: Video game!

VOICE 2: –I’ve ever–

SAM: Played!

VOICE 2: –It’s so killer-diller, because it’s got–

SAM: Features some of your Marvel teams, like X-Men, Avengers, and Guardians of the Galaxy!

VOICE 1: No way!

VOICE 2: Way! And also–

SAM: You can recruit Thor, from Thor: Ragnarok, and Nightcrawler!

VOICE 2: –which is way radical!

VOICE 1: Sounds tubular! Can I try your–

SAM: Marvel Puzzle Quest!

VOICE 2: Whoa, whoa, I don’t let doofuses touch my–

SAM: Marvel Puzzle Quest!

VOICE 2: –get your own!

VOICE 1: Me? But how? I’m not made of money!

VOICE 2: You don’t need to be, you dingus! You can get–

SAM: Marvel Puzzle Quest!

VOICE 2: –for the low price of–

SAM: It’s free.

VOICE 1: Hold up! It only costs–

SAM: It’s free.

VOICE 2: That’s right, nerd-face! The price is–

SAM: It’s free.

VOICE 1: Whoa! That’s so–

SAM: Affordable.

VOICE 2: I know! So get some–

SAM: Marvel Puzzle Quest!

VOICE 2: –for yourself at your local–

SAM: Apple Store, Google Play, Amazon App Store, and Steam!

VOICE 1: Oh, you know I will, big bro!

VOICE 2: Righteous, little bro!

VOICE 1: Sweet!

VOICE 2: Boo-yah!

VOICE 1: Dope!

VOICE 2: Ch'yeah!

VOICE 1: Whoomp, there it is!

VOICE 2: Fucken!

VOICE 1: Phat!

VOICE 2: Gettin’ jiggy!

SAM: This goes on for a while. Let’s cut it there!

VOICE 2: Talk to the hand!

VOICE 1: Ch'yeah!

VOICE 2: Yeah!

VOICE 1: Ch'yeah!

SAM: Sorry about that. It’s a long one, guys.

TALIESIN: You were so prepared. I don’t feel well anymore.

BRIAN: I hope that the audio of that stuff didn’t end up on the stream, and they just saw you going, “Marvel Puzzle Quest!”

SAM: That would be amazing. Sorry it took so long, Marisha.

MARISHA: No, anything to delay my impending doom. Okay. Merch! Laura knows what’s up, isn’t that right–? Oh, Matt, you want to do merch?

MATT: Hi! I mean, the big news is that today, available, we have the art book!

SAM: Oh my god!

LIAM: It’s so beautiful.

TALIESIN: It’s full of stars.

LIAM: Oh hi, Sam, have you seen our art book?

SAM: No, I haven’t!

LIAM: I can’t open it now.

TALIESIN: We cannot open the art book.

SAM: You still can’t even open it, now?

LIAM: We’re not going to show the audience the insides! Oh my god!

MATT: Show them one page?

LIAM: One page? I don’t know. We’d have to have clearance or something, isn’t that how it works?

MATT: I will provide clearance right now. For one page! It’s on sale today, come on!

LIAM: Okay, okay.

BRIAN: They can sue Matt Mercer.

LIAM: I guess, I guess. Shit, man. Let’s do this Percy page, this bomb-ass double Percy spread. Ooh!

(yelling)

MARISHA: Pretty bomb-ass!

LIAM: Look at this gorgeousness!

SAM: Security’s coming down, they’re going to shut us down. Close it, close the book!

LIAM: Sorry, Rachel.

MATT: I’ll take the heat for it. Yeah, so that’s up.

TALIESIN: These are now available for order. They’re beautiful and amazing and fabulous.

MATT: I heard there was a bit of an issue earlier today? A kerfuffle with international shipping? But that has since been fixed.

TALIESIN: Yeah, we have more or less evened that out now, so there’s currently a standard rate, I believe, for international shipping.

MATT: And for people who’ve already paid, I believe we’re getting that fixed. Most today, and some tomorrow.

TALIESIN: Yeah, there’s a few that are a little tricky.

MARISHA: Why does it get so weird about books?

TALIESIN: It’s weird. They were showing me charts and graphs to explain what happened this morning, and it was all very complicated, but it basically boiled down to our standard Benny Hill ridiculousness.

MARISHA and TALIESIN: (singing Yakety Sax)

BRIAN: We have this shirt.

SAM: Oh yeah! That’s Matt Mercer with white sunglasses!

MATT: No flesh!

TALIESIN: An absence of Matt Mercer.

BRIAN: The coolest Kanye West sunglasses on you’ve ever seen.

MATT: They’re a little broken, but they work fine for the image.

TALIESIN: We also have the scarves, although none of us have the scarves on right now.

BRIAN: You will see the scarves during the break.

TALIESIN: And many other things.

LIAM: Yeah, go to the shop. There’s lots of shit.

BRIAN: The d20s are in. The new Vox Machina d20s are in the shop.

SAM: Don’t forget to watch Brian’s stupid show, every Tuesday night.

BRIAN: Don’t forget to watch Brian’s stupid show before it gets canceled.

MARISHA: Yeah. Oh, we have a weird announcement that came up pretty fast, as of yesterday. We are married.

MATT: We did get married. That’s a thing.

MARISHA: That didn’t happen that fast, though. That was very long. That was a lot, but we’re married now.

(Sam clinking his mug)

MATT: No, I cannot–

TALIESIN: That’s a deep cut inside joke, right there.

MARISHA: Force Grey is coming up.

MATT: Yes, not this Saturday, but the Saturday after that. November 18th, I think? Yes. We’re doing the Force Grey finale for season two in New York. Tickets are available. You can go to the official Dungeons & Dragons Twitter, or my Twitter, for information. With fantastic guests like Deborah Ann Woll, Joe Manganiello, which you’ve seen here on the show, Dylan and Utkarsh are going to be back from the series, and we have our fifth player to announce!

MARISHA: I’m jumping in as of yesterday! Yeah!

BRIAN: I didn’t think they had that kind of budget!

MARISHA: We need one more person! We’re down a player! So I am playing a tortle named Clarapin the therrapin. Pretty stoked. Or maybe it’s terrapin, I don’t know. It’s still new. I’m still working it out in my head. But I think we have a picture of Clarapin. There’s no vetting monitor, nothing, over there. Ooh! Aah! That’s good old Clarapin! She’s a bard!

LIAM: They just ran a picture of Squirtle.

MARISHA: Yeah, they totally could have. Teenage Mutant Ninja– And moving on from that, the Critical Role podcast is up to episode 70. You can get it on Amazon Echo, Echo Dot, Echo Plus, as well as Alexa-enabled devices, as well as other– I should’ve read the top of that, “Is now available through Amazon Alexa.” That was the top part of that. Vox Machina: Origins is still out.

LIAM: We’re coming up on another issue pretty soon.

MATT: Next few weeks, issue three is going to be out.

TALIESIN: But hey, there’s a comic book. We’re in it. That’s a thing.

MARISHA: We have our big Critical Role wrap-up on the 14th.

BRIAN: Yes, that is going to air on the 14th, which is a Thursday night, at 7:00, in this very timeslot, on these very networks. Both Twitch and Project Alpha. We will be breaking up the Vox Machina journey into five sections. So we announced on Tuesday night that the first posts are up if you want to submit questions for episodes one through, I believe it’s 23. In the wrap-up episode, we’re going to discuss all kinds of stuff. We’re going to let you guys ask Matt all kinds of things. You guys are going to get to ask each other. We’re going to squeeze as many secrets out of this delicious man’s body as we can, by any means necessary. I have ordered many medieval torture devices. Gummy bears. All kinds of good stuff.

SAM: Oh my god, she left. Couldn’t take the heat.

LIAM: Hole in the studio floor. She went down it.

BRIAN: So yeah, submit questions on the Reddit or at the Talks Machina Twitter account, or Facebook page, or the Alpha forums.

MARISHA: Correct. And then, of course, me, Taliesin, Matt, and Liam are going to be at PAX Unplugged next Friday. Wednesday Club, still a thing.

TALIESIN: Still a thing. We haven’t actually decided what we’re doing next week yet, because it all depends on who’s going to be joining us. We have a couple invites out to people, so we’re waiting to hear. It’ll be fun no matter what.

BRIAN: When’s the Moon Knight episode?

TALIESIN: Never. Yeah, no, we’ll do a Moon Knight. You want to do a Moon Knight episode?

BRIAN: I would come on for a Moon Knight episode.

TALIESIN: I’ll talk about Moon Knight. I love Moon Knight.

LIAM: What about Spider Ham?

TALIESIN: Oh, Peter Porker? The Spectacular Spider-Ham? We can do a full animals episode. That would be a lot of fun.

MARISHA: That would be great. You sang in a Blizzard promo for a new expansion.

MATT: An upcoming Hearthstone expansion. Kobolds and Catacombs, which references another cool game that sometimes people play.

MARISHA: Not today, though.

MATT: No, yeah, of course. But yeah, they had me sing the announcement trailer, which you can check out online and poke fun at me being a silly voice-in-the-void minstrel bard about making your way through catacombs filled with kobolds. So check it out.

TALIESIN: Your response via text when we texted you that that was happening was adorable. “Oh, that’s what that was. I suppose that’s happening now.”

MATT: Yeah, I didn’t know they were announcing it at BlizzCon. It was just like, oh, on the opening ceremonies screen.

BRIAN: Were you in there when they did that?

MATT: We were driving at the time. I was like, “What is going–?! Oh.”

TALIESIN: Eric and I were at the Overwatch arena. We were sitting, listening, and we both started squealing really loudly.

BRIAN: Yeah, that looked really fun. I saw they brought in Darin De Paul on a big throne that they were all carrying.

MARISHA: He is the mayor of BlizzCon.

MATT: Blizzard can afford it.

MARISHA: I think that’s pretty much it. Last but not least, I would love to thank Joana, a.k.a. @_sleepyjane, for doing the wonderful bear art. And then I would like to give a huge shout-out to Grant Howitt, who is the writer and the producer of Honey Heist, as well as several other silly RPG one-shot games. You can get this for free. That’s the amazing thing about this. He publishes all of his games for free. You can support him, which we highly recommend you do, at patreon.com/gshowitt.

MATT: H-O-W-I-T-T.

MARISHA: Yeah, and if you can join his Patreon, you get some cool stuff that you might see. So yeah. Anyway. I think, oh my god.

TALIESIN: I know, it’s weird! It feels weird, doesn’t it?

BRIAN: Say it!

MARISHA: What do you say? Like, “Without further ado”?

MATT: I don’t know, you’ve only seen it every week for the past two and a half years!

MARISHA: Without further ado, let us now jump into this Trinket’s Honey Heist version of Critical Role!

[dramatic music]

Part IEdit

MARISHA: Welcome back.

SAM: Serious, serious.

LIAM: We’re bears.

MARISHA: Where we last left off, didn’t happen. So we’ll jump right in.

MATT: Any rules to go over?

MARISHA: Oh! Should I go over rules now?

MATT: I figured, that way we can go right into the narrative.

MARISHA: Yeah, where we last left off was rules–

SAM: Stop backseat DMing!

MATT: I’m trying to help! It’s her first time– I’ll shut up.

MARISHA: Before we jump in, Honey Heist is a super simple game. Everyone is a bear. The bear has a special skill. We’ll see that as we go along. You will eventually be getting roles. You’re trying to heist the mother lode of honey heists. So you have two stats: your bear stat and your criminal stat. You start the game with three points in each of the stats. This is a d6-based game, so whenever you do anything remotely bear-related, you’re going to roll your bear stat. You want to try and get the number equal to or under how many points you have in bear. Criminal is anything, basically, not related to being a bear. That’s quite literally, actually, what it says, “Not to do "anything directly related to being a bear.” Same thing. Equal to or under. Right? If the plan’s going well, I can reward you with a point in criminal. You move a point from bear over to the stat. Conversely, if you start getting a little aggravated, or the plan starts not working out in your favor, you might move a point from criminal into bear, the more frustrated you get. If you reach six points in either stat, you either turn into an insane criminal mastermind, betray the party, and decide to bounce, or you go completely feral as a bear and can’t really function being a criminal anymore, and you’re out. So you don’t want that to happen.

SAM: Is there any other way to die? Like, if you fall off something, do you die? What happens?

MARISHA: Just don’t jump off any cliffs is my recommendation.

MATT: You get more frustrated from jumping off a cliff. You become more bear-like. Cliffs can’t kill bears.

MARISHA: No. It’s very cartoonish. Cartoon physics. Just don’t look down if you decide to walk off a cliff.

BRIAN: Do forest fires kill bears?

MATT: No, they don’t. That’s why he has to keep telling us to fight them.

MARISHA: If you feel like you’re starting to get a little too bear-y, you can flash back to a criminal planning sequence in order to move a point from bear into criminal. If you’re feeling a little too shady, you can eat a nice little snack of honey to move a point from criminal back into bear.

LIAM: Do we have a Batman belt with honey stashed on it?

MATT: Nope.

LIAM: We have to find it and eat it? Yeah.

MARISHA: That’s what you guys are good at. All right, I think we get started.

SAM: (bear roar) Ease into it.

MARISHA: No wookiees. Hereby ban on wookiees.

BRIAN: Oh, I should go.

MATT: Well no, it’s my plan to die in the first half of the show.

MARISHA: This isn’t the zombie apocalypse. All right. It’s autumn, two years after the defeat of the Chroma Conclave, in Westruun.

SAM: Wait, we’re in Westruun?

MARISHA: We’re in Westruun.

LIAM: Those fucking assholes.

MARISHA: The air has that perfect, crisp breeze indicative of the chillier months to come. The scent of deep-fried festival foods and fermented alcohols radiates heavily from the center of the town square in the Opal and Market Wards. The distant sound of string quartets and laughing townsfolk pick up in your ear. Trinket, the immense sense recall spawns the memory in your head, and you know: this is the Happy Food Festival time. This is your favorite time. But for some reason, Vex is walking you away from the festival, and toward the Bramblewood Forest! “I know, buddy, but listen, I need you to stay here. Look, I can’t have you risking sneaking away and giving in to your temptations again.”

MATT: (sad bear growl)

MARISHA: “Pike would kill me, and she’s already upset at you for clearing out the Slayer’s Cake honey stash the past two times. I know. But look, I promise you, if you do this for me, buddy, I’ll come back with a whole load of festival treats! All right? All right, darling? Okay. Be good. Don’t get into any trouble. Okay? Happy bear.” And she walks on down the road.

MATT: Where am I at, right now?

MARISHA: You are currently on the edge of the Bramblewood Forest, up on a mountain. You can kind of see Westruun in the distance.

MATT: So looking down at the city from a distance? Okay.

MARISHA: You can see far off that the city is dressed up in autumn colors and reds, and there are wagons being pulled into the city. You recalled Vex mentioning something about the Slayer’s Cake competing in a competition. Seems like they’ve got a lot of competitions. They are entering Keyleth and Pike’s prize honey. Mm-hmm. So you know there’s a lot of honey. As you turn around, you hear a few cracks of branches. There’s a crowd of other bears. Seem to have been watching the whole time. There’s a panda that waves.

SAM: Can we speak English?

MARISHA: Yeah, you can speak to each other. You can kind of mumble through words to humans. Yeah, you can, kind of.

MATT: Hey, you.

SAM: Yeah?

MATT: What’s your name?

SAM: Oh, me? I’m Peddy Tuxpin. I’m new to these parts. I come from, you know, somewhere else. But I’ve been walking around. Checking it out. I like the place.

MATT: All right, you seem a little fish out of water.

SAM: What’s your name?

MATT: They call me Trinket.

SAM: You a girl?

MATT: I am a member of Vox Machina, saviors of this land, Tal'Dorei, and beyond. You show me some respect.

SAM: I look at his junk. Hey, he’s not a girl.

MATT: Who are you untrustworthy lot, too, to be with this guy?

LIAM: Hey, my name is Cookie. I am a bear. This is my brother, Waffle.

TALIESIN: How you doing? Yeah, we just rolled into town, picked up this guy along the way. We don’t speak for him, not going to give him any credit right now. Seems like an okay guy.

MATT: You guys are all hanging out here at the edge of the Bramblewood for no reason?

LIAM: Well, man, we heard this town’s got the good shit.

MATT: You may have heard right. All right. Three new bears. Three large-sized, normal bears.

SAM: There’s another guy. There’s one more guy.

MATT: I look around, and I only see the three bears.

SAM: There’s one more.

BRIAN: I’m a little smaller.

MARISHA: He peeks out from behind Peddy Tuxpin.

BRIAN: I’m not really a bear. I’m a honey badger. My name is Liam Las Vegas. I’m on a bender. That’s it.

SAM: A honey bender?

BRIAN: I’m on a honey bender. I’m here with you lads, strictly for the honey.

TALIESIN: Don’t let his personality defects fool you. He’s a top man, knows his business.

LIAM: I mean, he’s a total asshole, but he’s really good at his work.

TALIESIN: He’s good at what he does, when he can do it.

BRIAN: Started out as a bottom man, now I’m a top man.

TALIESIN: Worked his way to the middle, mostly.

BRIAN: Middle man.

TALIESIN: Top of his field, as a middle man.

BRIAN: Top of the middle.

TALIESIN: Worked his way from the bottom.

BRIAN: Started from the bottom, now we at the middle man.

TALIESIN: Top of it.

MARISHA: As you hear the music in the background press on, all you can keep thinking about, Trinket, is that massive stash of honey hiding right behind the walls of the Hazel Festival.

MATT: I look out. Do I still see Vex, or is she far enough away?

MARISHA: She’s pretty far gone, at this point, over the mountain. She doesn’t seem to be paying any attention to you.

TALIESIN: I’m going to try and sense honey.

MARISHA: Okay, roll a bear.

TALIESIN: Double die.

MARISHA: You get advantage, yeah.

TALIESIN: Nope. Wait, is this–? Nope.

MARISHA: All right, right now, there’s a lot of fried foods. You know at ren faire, when that mead smell and dirt? Kind of like that. That’s all you’ve got right now. It’s a little too much right now.

LIAM: We probably want to get closer in before we start using the, you know.

TALIESIN: No no, the nose ain’t picking nothing up right now. No.

MARISHA: You begin to make your plan.

BRIAN: We should obviously get drinks.

MATT: I was going to say, first and foremost, like I said, my name’s Trinket. I’m an adventurer. I’ve been through dungeons of all sorts and kinds. Used to scaring things off that are dangerous, in my way. I have no idea what the hell you’re all capable of. You, panda bear.

SAM: The name’s Peddy.

MATT: Peddy.

SAM: Peddy Bear.

(muffled laughter)

MATT: Tell me. If we’re going to go into this city and we’re going to reap the rewards of this honey festival contest, and I know where it is, what do you have to bring to the table, anyway?

MARISHA: Peddy, why don’t you go ahead and roll a d6? This will determine your role.

SAM: One.

MARISHA: Peddy. Peddy Tuxpin, you’re the muscle of the group.

SAM: Let me lay out a day in the life of Peddy Tuxpin for you. I wake up. I eat. Bamboo, mostly. About 10:00am, I eat. 12:00, I eat.

BRIAN: What do you eat at 12:00?

SAM: Bamboo. 1:00 through 4:00 is naptime. 4:00 to bedtime is eating. Now, I lay this all out for you because I want you to know, what I do with those calories is I crush skulls. I break bones. I rough up people who haven’t made their payments. I, well, we can arm wrestle if you really want a sense of what this Tuxpin’s all about.

LIAM: Peddy, don’t hurt him.

BRIAN: He seems quite serious.

MATT: As a fellow bear who has immediately stared at my junk, I feel it is only right and fair that I accept your challenge.

SAM: Oh, we’re going to do this! Paws up!

MATT: (collision sounds)

MARISHA: I’d say, roll a bear-off. You get advantage, Peddy.

TALIESIN and MARISHA: Paw-wrestling.

SAM: Oh, okay, a one is my better stat.

MATT: No, I don’t. I have a four.

MARISHA: Without fail, Peddy, like a sprig of bamboo, snaps all the way back.

SAM: Oh shit! You okay?

MATT: All right, we need some muscle. You’ve proven yourself worthy. Do I move a point for failing the roll?

MARISHA: Do you feel aggravated? You agreed to it. You’re fine. Not yet.

TALIESIN: Pandas, they’re fighters, not lovers.

MATT: So, we got muscle. What do you two brothers got at the table?

MARISHA: Roll d6s.

TALIESIN: One.

MARISHA: Do you want to still also be a muscle, or would you like to re-roll?

TALIESIN: No, let’s roll that. Four.

MARISHA: All right. Cookie, you’re the brains of the group.

LIAM: Of course I am.

MARISHA: Waffle, you’re the hacker.

(laughter)

LIAM: A hacker bear!

SAM: What do we need a hacker for?!

MATT: Do we write our roles down on our sheet?

MARISHA: Yes, write your roles down.

LIAM: Let me tell you, we’ve hit all the biggest places. We’ve hit Vasselheim. We have hit Stilben, okay. We’ve been to the Briarwoods’ home turf, and we got all their fucking honey. We’re going to get this honey because this fucking guy is going to hack the system.

TALIESIN: I can hack anything. Anything you need. I can hack doors! I can hack people! I can hack cities, hack right through them.

BRIAN: Even with those stubby fingers?

TALIESIN: Hey man, you know how to hack? Then don’t be talking to me about my business.

MARISHA: What do you know how to do, Liam Las Vegas?

TALIESIN: What exactly do you do, honey badger?

BRIAN: Two.

SAM: Re-roll.

BRIAN: No. No. No. Yeah! Three.

MARISHA: You’re the driver.

BRIAN: Yeah! Yeah, all right! I’ll be the driver.

SAM: What’s your deal?

BRIAN: I’m the driver!

LIAM: Where’s our ride at? What are we taking this time?

BRIAN: Well, we’ve got a horse and buggy.

MARISHA: You’re going to have to pick up a ride.

BRIAN: We’re going to pick up a ride. Don’t worry, I have super high criminal-risma.

MARISHA: All right, Trinket, you’re the last one.

MATT: So it looks like we got a nice selection of abilities, here. So let me tell you what I have to offer. One, I know where the honey is. Two, I know the people probably around it. Three–

MARISHA: It’s anything– A five? You’re a thief.

SAM: Well, that makes sense.

BRIAN: Just like your mom!

MATT: Let me tell you. I’ve learned a few tricks from the two that raised me, so that honey’s going to be as good as ours.

SAM: I feel like now would be a good time for me to confess that I don’t really like, I’ve never had honey. I eat bamboo, mostly.

BRIAN: Is it a gluten thing?

SAM: No no, I just haven’t had it. Just don’t have it much where I come from.

LIAM: You take the bamboo and you stir it around in the honey. You have them together.

SAM: That would be good? Okay.

LIAM: It’s like celery and peanut butter. Don’t knock it.

BRIAN: Did you bring any bamboo with you, in a sack or something?

SAM: Did I?

MARISHA: Did you bring any bamboo? Mm, nah.

SAM: I ate it on the way here. I eat a lot.

MARISHA: You also like to eat anything that kind of remotely resembles bamboo.

TALIESIN: He’s going to get hangry. You’re not going to like him when he’s hangry.

LIAM: All right. Our newfound friend, Trinket. What can you tell us about this town? Where the honey is? What are we working with, here, buddy?

MATT: All them banners you see out there beyond the walls? This is a goddamned celebration. There’s a contest in there. My ears picked it up. In the middle of that contest area, I can smell it, there’s all the honey we could ever hope for. Possibly even some bamboo. Keep your eyes open. Now all we have to do is get inside, so, if you’re the brains, what do you suggest?

LIAM: We need some kind of distraction. We’re going to dress as people. That’s the plan.

SAM: Dress as people? How’s that going to work? We all look giant.

MARISHA: Trinket, your ears pick up in the distance: “Hats! Get your hats!”

MATT: I’m going to immediately go: I think you’re onto something! Cookie, Waffle, Liam Las Vegas, Peddy Bear, let’s go get us some hats.

MARISHA: He’s about a hundred yards away, entering into the south entrance of the city, about to cross the threshold.

MATT: Okay. Do we want to try and quickly and quietly make our way up behind?

SAM: Well, what do we see?

BRIAN: I would technically be the smallest, correct? Being a honey badger rather than a bear? I could maybe, if I need to slip by unnoticed, to grab a couple of things and bring them back to you guys?

LIAM: That’s right, here’s what we’re going to do, okay? Cookie and Waffle, we’re going to fuck shit up, all right? We’re going to get in the garbage, we’re going to start fucking with people’s shit. I might even scare a little kid. When that happens, you’re in. You grab as many fucking hats as you can, and you skedaddle back. We meet up together and then we choose which hats we’re going to wear, and which makes us look most human, or elf, or halfling in your case.

BRIAN: Okay, but one question. Let me know any size preferences or style before. I don’t want to come back and then have a big argument, and then I got to go back again.

MATT: Mr. Las Vegas, surprise us.

BRIAN: All right. I can do it.

MARISHA: All right, Liam, you–

LIAM: Oh, shit. Sorry.

MARISHA: Las Vegas.

MATT: We’ll call you Vegas. You’re Vegas.

MARISHA: Goddamn you.

BRIAN: Vegas strong, baby.

MARISHA: Vegas, you skitter on down past, using the rocks and the fauna to dodge as you get up close behind the guy. Cookie and Waffle, were you guys–?

TALIESIN: I say we split up. You take the bottom of the road, I take the top.

LIAM: Okay, what I’m going to do is I’m going to scare a bunch of little children. I want you to start tearing down the festive decorations that you see.

TALIESIN: You want me to hack those decorations?

LIAM: Hack the decorations the fuck off the walls and make a lot of noise, Waffle.

TALIESIN: All right, it’s going to be a loud hack.

SAM: Boss, you need me to do anything?

TALIESIN: If anyone tries to stop us–

LIAM: You got a suggestion, Trinket?

MATT: I’m just going to say, be careful about too much mayhem. We don’t want people to suspect there’s bears running wild around the city. They might shut down the festival. Then the honey is– So if you’re going to do a scare, do it and get out.

MARISHA: All right. Waffle and Cookie? Flank from the sides. As you start getting up to the wall of the city, you see two guards standing at the entrance, nodding and greeting people, letting them go in as they go. You see a few banners hung up along the wall. Few flowers.

TALIESIN: I’m going to hack a couple banners down. We have a brief disguise. Going to hack a couple banners.

LIAM: You said there’s a couple of soldiers, guards?

MARISHA: Couple of guards, yeah. Couple of shields.

LIAM: Are there any kids in sight?

MARISHA: There’s maybe one or two coming in, families coming in and filtering into the city for the festival. Most people seem to be inside.

LIAM: Between me and them? Or are the kids open season, you know what I’m saying?

MARISHA: Kids are currently open season, yeah. You see a mom and dad, two kids, typical looking family out for a nice day. You see another kid going along in with one of the vendors. They’ve got some vegetables on their back.

TALIESIN: We wrap ourselves in these banners that I’ve pulled down. Then they won’t know that we’re bears. We’ll just be giant flying banners.

LIAM: They might think we’re ghosts.

TALIESIN: They might be ghosts, and then they’ll be prepared for ghosts. They’ll never see us coming.

LIAM: Yeah. They’ll try to turn us and it won’t work.

TALIESIN: Nope, ain’t going to do a thing.

MARISHA: Liam Las Vegas, as this is happening, you get up right behind. You follow in. You’re about maybe five feet out from the back of Theobald the Bold, the best hat vendor in town. Theobald the Bold, is because his hat’s the boldest. He’s a little halfling dude with scrappy clothes, but his hat looks way overpriced in comparison to everything else. He’s hunched, he’s got a pull-behind wagon piled with hats.

TALIESIN: Really leaning into it, isn’t he?

MARISHA: “Get your hats! Festival hats!”

SAM: Go, Las Vegas! Go!

TALIESIN: I’m going to hack the banners.

MARISHA: All right, as this is happening, you start hacking the banner. Roll for criminal.

That’s a double if you’re a hacker.

TALIESIN: Yeah! Two.

MARISHA: All right, you’re a little tangled in them. The pendants are getting in your face a little bit. What are you doing, Cookie?

LIAM: While I get covered up, I’m going to start running towards the kids and yell as loud as I can like this (intimidating scream).

MARISHA: The kids (terrified screaming).

LIAM: I’m going to take a shit and then I’m going to slap it at the grownups’ heads that are with the kids. (screams)

MARISHA: About this time, the dad goes, “Guards! Bears! Get help!” About this time, one of the guards looks over at the other one and goes, “Aw Glennon, we have a bear attack!” They start running after you, banging their shields against the spears going, (yelling) “Get away!”

LIAM: I start flinging shit at them!

MARISHA: “Aw, they’re those shit-flinging bears, Glennon!” (yelling) they’re trying to block it. Roll for criminal.

LIAM: Criminal is for flinging shit?

MARISHA: Roll for bear. I guess you are being more of a bear than the brains right now.

LIAM: This is the smartest idea that any bear has ever had. It’s a two!

MARISHA: You successfully fling shit. As the guards try to duck and cover, one gets hit right in the right eye and he’s like, “Aw!” And they start jabbing at you guys with spears.

LIAM: We’re out!

TALIESIN: Let’s take them out. We’re leading them away from the hats.

MARISHA: They chase you off, probably a good 50 or so yards off around the corner.

TALIESIN: We’ll go into the woods, where you’re supposed to poop.

LIAM: Right. As we’re running, I yell: Hack the system!

MARISHA: “I think those bears were rabid. Pretty sure, but we probably should have put them down.” They slowly walk back. In this time– how many hats?

BRIAN: How many do you think I could carry? Ten?

MARISHA: You could probably do a few darts and hide a few in this time. Roll for criminal.

BRIAN: Okay. Four. No good.

MARISHA: About this time, in the distraction–

BRIAN: Have I gotten any away yet?

MARISHA: Yeah, you got a nice, solid haul. As you’re trying to go for your bonus hats, Theobald turns around and goes, “Rats! There’s bears and rats! Get out!”

BRIAN: I’m not a rat, you piece of shit!

MARISHA: He stomps at you. “Aw, look, he knocked over my hats.” Starts scooping up the ones.

BRIAN: I have claws, right?

MARISHA: Little bit.

BRIAN: Just want to get him in the butt.

SAM: Oh right, attack?

MARISHA: Oh, you’re attacking?

BRIAN: Just going to (boing).

MARISHA: Roll 2d6 and roll for the lowest under bear. You have carnage.

LIAM: Are you going to poke him in the gooch?

MATT: A one and a two!

MARISHA: Okay! Theobald goes (yelps) and takes off running. A few more fall off and you take the extra hats.You guys all slowly get back. You reconvene. That actually went off pretty well, considering, so you guys each put a point into criminal. Waffle, Cookie, and Liam Las Vegas.

LIAM: Do we take it away from bear when we put it into criminal?

MARISHA: Take one away from bear, put it into criminal.

MATT: As they’re approaching him, I’m talking to Peddy. There’s not a whole lot of space in the necklace, it’s pretty cramped. At least I have a pretty good view; it’s like a tiny television. They’re here! All right. How’d it go?

LIAM and BRIAN: We got hats!

MATT: You got hats and you smell like shit.

BRIAN: Does a bear shit on the Pope? I got hats of every kind you want. We got big ones, I don’t know what I got.

MARISHA: Everyone roll a d8! A d8 please!

BRIAN: I need to borrow one. Oh wait, I have Marisha’s Wyrmwood.

TALIESIN and BRIAN: Six.

SAM: Oh, we got three sixes.

MARISHA: Three sixes. You two sixes reroll because this is the one hat that I only have one of.

BRIAN: Five.

TALIESIN: Eight.

LIAM: Two.

MARISHA: You roll twice, you get two hats!

MARISHA: Peddy, this fez looks real attractive to you.

TALIESIN: There’s a second fez!

LIAM: That’s the best one!

TALIESIN: It’s inside the other hats. It’s in one of the top hats.

MATT: Taliesin, do you want a fez and another hat then?

MARISHA: You’ll get a fez and one more hat, so roll again. What did you roll, five? Two.

TALIESIN: I rolled an eight again. It’s me! I’m just going to roll the highest possible over and over again.

MARISHA: What color top hat would you like?

LIAM: Oh my god, what are my options?

MARISHA: Black, green, and a leathery tan.

LIAM: Holy shit, I’ll take leathery tan.

TALIESIN: There’s a gray one, too.

LIAM: Oh my god!

MATT: That’s a Willy Wonka hat!

LIAM: Holy fuckballs, I am a happy bear. Woohoo!

MARISHA: Trinket, you get a trilby. What did you roll again, Liam Las Vegas?

BRIAN: Five.

LIAM: That is so confusing.

BRIAN: I did it just to fuck with you.

MARISHA: Which cowboy hat do you want?

BRIAN: Holy fucking shit, you give me that one in your left hand right this moment.

TALIESIN: I get a second hat?

MARISHA: You get a second hat.

TALIESIN: I rolled an eight again. So now I rolled a six.

MARISHA: Roll again because a six is still a fez.

TALIESIN: I rolled an eight again.

MARISHA: Roll again.

TALIESIN: I rolled a three.

MATT: So you can put three hats on?!

TALIESIN: I was just going to keep rolling eights until something else happened.

MARISHA: What color bowler?

TALIESIN: The green bowler. Been a while.

MARISHA: You get to wear a hat on a hat if you want!

TALIESIN: I’m going to wear a fez on a bowler.

MARISHA: Fez on a bowler, there you go.

MATT: A fowler.

MARISHA: A fowler?

SAM: That works.

LIAM: Jeez, you’re that guy in a western.

SAM: You just hacked that hat.

TALIESIN: There we are.

MARISHA: You guys are feeling pretty good about your hats.

MATT: This is worth the price of admission, right here.

LIAM: Somebody get an organ grinder, stat! (sings)

BRIAN: Sam looks like Beary Busey!

(laughter)

MARISHA: That’s a good code name.

MATT: Hey Vegas.

BRIAN: Yeah?

MATT: Good job. With these hats, there’s no way anybody in the town of Westruun would think that we’re bears.

BRIAN: Had to poke a little butt to get them, but in the end–

MATT: Haven’t we all?

BRIAN: The butt went away.

LIAM: I have another brilliant idea.

MATT: What you got, Cookie?

LIAM: We ripped down these banners. My brother hacked the system. They’re really big. I can tear this shit with my claw and make each of us a cloak to go with our hats. Then we’ll look even more human.

SAM: You are smarter than the average us!

LIAM: Three years in bear college, my friend!

SAM: Oh wow!

BRIAN: Wait, how many years?

LIAM: Three.

BRIAN: Wow!

SAM: Getting hungry.

MATT: That’s right, we’ve got some honey to get to. Come on, guys.

MARISHA: With that confidence, you stroll right on up. See if you can test your luck with the guards, I guess.

LIAM: Here’s your cloak. Red cloak. Red cloak. We’re going to be the black cloaks.

MARISHA: They’re like giant pendants that you put holes in, so you’ve got nice little ascots now. Very distinguished! Very festive!

MATT: Stand up on our hind legs as vertical as we can.

TALIESIN: We are hirsute gentlemen!

MARISHA: As you walk by, the one guard was like, “Aw, jeez, do I still have shit in my eye? Oh, welcome to the Hazel Festival, sirs. Go on in. Jeez, can we go get Wet Wipes?”

LIAM: Keep it moving! Bidet!

MATT and TALIESIN: (growling) Bidet!

MARISHA: “Were those goliaths? Okay, let’s go take a break.” You successfully enter the city. Is my music going?

MATT: It’s going, yeah! I hear it.

MARISHA: As you get closer into the city, you can smell wonderful foods. You can see people bringing in prized vegetables and they’re entering them into competitions. There’s string quartets and people dancing in the streets. Mead vendors out in the open. As you get closer, you actually see a three-story-tall, really derpy-looking statue of a Westruun man with a cowboy hat, he’s wearing a button down that looks a lot like the Texas state flag. He’s got a shitty voice box saying, “Welcome to the Hazel Festival! Welcome to the Hazel–” and it repeats every 30 seconds or so. Things are decorated around it.

LIAM: You’re in a Johnny Cab!

MARISHA: Cookie, Waffle. You notice the scent of honey wafting through the air. Peddy Tuxpin, you notice the scent of bamboo in the air. It’s a little dried out and as you look down, you notice these little wooden bamboo sample spoons that have been discarded all over the floor.

SAM: I’m going to pick them up and eat them.

MARISHA: It tastes like it’s got honey residual on it. It’s scraps, but there’s some little drops of honey in sample cups.

MATT: Peddy, people don’t eat spoons off the floor.

SAM: Oh people, we’re people, right.

MATT: We’re people. Just grab them, hold them, and we’ll find a corner for you to have a feast.

SAM: I pick them up. I pop one in my mouth like a sucker.

MARISHA: All right. You guys taste some.

LIAM: Everybody act casual.

SAM: It’s like a cigarette.

MATT: I can’t pinpoint the source of the honey. Any of you boys?

TALIESIN: I’m going to try to pinpoint the source of the honey.

LIAM: Same. I smell gold.

MARISHA: Roll for bear.

TALIESIN and LIAM: Nope.

TALIESIN: I’m frustrated.

MARISHA: Are you getting a little frustrated?

TALIESIN: Yep.

MARISHA: Then take and put a point into bear. It’s got to be lower than bear.

LIAM: We’re in trouble there.

TALIESIN: There’s a lot going on. We got to get close to the source. There’s too much happening. Bamboo’s getting in there, it’s mucking up the system, man. This is a delicate instrument.

SAM: Guys, is this plan off the rails already? Should I be worried? I’m freaking out!

BRIAN: We got these great hats.

SAM: These people are looking at us funny!

MARISHA: About this time, you see an old couple run by going, “Help! Has anyone seen any cows? We lost our prized steer!” She’s like, “Gerald, I told you you should have tied them up!”

LIAM: What the fuck is this shit?

MARISHA: As they run by, you see Pike way off in the distance. She’s saying, “Anyone would like a honey sample? Honey sample! Anybody? This is from the Slayer’s Cake! Vote for the Slayer’s Cake!”

LIAM: Holy shit, we eat the gnome and then we get the honey.

MATT: Nobody is eating the gnome!

SAM: But she’s so little!

LIAM: She’s covered in honey!

MATT: She will destroy you, trust me.

BRIAN: Is she poisonous if you bite into her?

MATT: Sure, we’ll go with that.

MARISHA: On the other side, you see Reginald’s daughter. What was her name? Aleria? It’s somewhere in my notes. But it’s Reginald’s daughter and she’s going, “Honey samples! Try it from the Reginald farm! Honey samples!”

MATT: That one we could go towards.

SAM: And kill her?

MATT: I’m going to approach and tell the other guys to come along.

SAM: We’re going to talk to her? I’m freaking out.

MATT: It’s all right, just suck on your spoon.

SAM: I might just kill her.

MATT: As I approach Reginald’s daughter–

MARISHA: Still really trying to find her. Damn, I just wrote down Reginald’s daughter. Ameera or something? Aleria, or Amelia? We’ll call her Amelia.

MATT: I approach with my big bear arms at the side, my cloak over my armor and my delightful cap. Get close to the honey and (sniff).

MARISHA: She looks at you a little confused and goes, “Hello?”

MATT: (bear voice) Thank you.

MARISHA: She turns around to a friend and is like, “I’m not one to judge, but–” She shuffles away, a little uncomfortable.

MATT: I took a bite of it, a little bit. I take the rest of it and hold it out and say: One of you bears, please, find the source of this goddamn honey.

BRIAN: Why did you give it to him?

SAM: He said bears.

BRIAN: Oh!

LIAM: (groaning) It’s good!

TALIESIN: It’s not bad!

LIAM: I like you, city bear. I like you.

TALIESIN: We’re going places.

LIAM: We could do big things together. I smell honey, Waffle, I smell it!

TALIESIN: Oh, I taste it.

MARISHA: About this time, you see the last and third contestant in the honey competition, wandering on the opposite side of the fountain. He’s going, “Yes! Vote for me! It’s Victor! V stands for voting! It’s a secret recipe! Try my secret recipe!” Trinket, you get this waft in the air and you’re looking at the honey, it’s got this grayish tint to it. You recognize: this is the same smell that comes out of Percy’s boom-boom tube.

MATT: Oh no. How many people are in the audience?

MARISHA: A decent amount!

MATT: Oh no!

MARISHA: A decent amount, people are all over the place, they’re mixing in. They’re going to Pike and then they’re going to Victor, then they’re going to Reginald’s daughter, they’re jumping around.

MATT: First and foremost, considering the utility of that honey, I’m going to take a sample and pack it under my bear pit for later.

MARISHA: “Vote for V!”

MATT: (bear voice) Thank you!

TALIESIN: I got an idea. I’m going to try something. I’m going to wander up to Victor.

MARISHA: “Hello there, hairy fellow! Would you like some honey?”

TALIESIN: I dip my paw just a little bit and go, Mm!

MARISHA: “Oh! You like it a lot, big guy? Okay!” And he starts scooping it into the hat.

TALIESIN: I’m going to fill the fez with honey. With gunpowder honey.

LIAM: That’s about a hogshead worth.

TALIESIN: About a hogshead worth. Easily have a hogshead there.

MARISHA: “Remember, vote for me, though! The V stands– vote for me!”

TALIESIN: (amenable growling)

BRIAN: Don’t spill it!

TALIESIN: We’re in.

MATT: Nobody jostle any of these townsfolk too hard. They’re probably a little sensitive at the moment.

LIAM: Little gassy, you think?

MATT: You’ll see. We don’t want that honey, we have enough there. The prize honey is what that little one had earlier. Or (squishing) where this came from.

BRIAN: My goodness.

MATT: I didn’t think about my hat at the time. I don’t have pockets. I’m storing it in my bear pit.

TALIESIN: That’s Whitestone wildflower, touch of Feywild star iris. That’s good. That’s real good.

MATT: All right, lead us on.

TALIESIN: (sniffs)

MARISHA: Which direction are you guys going?

LIAM: Wait a minute. You got a whole hatful of honey. Can I have a little honey?

MARISHA: You may certainly have honey.

LIAM: I’m going take a little bite of this honey.

TALIESIN: We’re going to need this for later.

MATT: As he’s putting it in his mouth, I grab the edge. Are you sure about this?

LIAM: (swallows)

MARISHA: It’s good, all things considered. It’s a little smoky taste to it. Still tastes like honey, just a little sulfury.

LIAM: I’ve had honey with jalapeno in it, a little bit of hot pepper.

MARISHA: It’s gritty. It’s got a little bit of crunch in your teeth.

BRIAN: Someone relieve themselves in the batch?

MATT: More or less.

LIAM: Texture. Does that put me back towards bear, though?

MARISHA: Huh?

LIAM: I had some honey; don’t we get towards bear if we have honey?

MARISHA: You have to have a nice pawful. You’ve got to get a– a sample’s not going to work

LIAM: All right.

MARISHA: Once again, you might want to stockpile some honey. It’s not a bad idea. You hear a carnival barker come out on the stage built temporarily on the town square. He goes, “Welcome, everyone, the Fire Ashari cultural dance troupe!” (drumbeat) Fire spinners come out and start doing fire poi. Fire breather comes out! Over the crowd. Everyone’s like, “Yeah!” They go rushing up to the stage.

BRIAN: I run up and start dancing with all of them, my drape flying everywhere.

MARISHA: Drunk people are like, “Yeah, look at this little guy!”

SAM: I can’t be here right now! No!

MATT: Listen! You guys. We have to get those fire dancers out of here or get the rest of these villagers out of the center here or we’re all dead. That honey you got right there, that touches any of that boom boom fire stick, we all go boom.

TALIESIN: My god.

BRIAN: I run back over. You guys! You got to come up, oh man, it’s crazy up front! Oh man, the honey’s blue up there!

SAM: I can’t go up there, I’m scared of fire!

MARISHA: You see a roaming, free-wandering chicken that comes up and you can tell it’s eating any and all trash that it comes across on the floor. As a spark of ash, a piece of flint flies off the fire dancers and falls in front of it. Chicken eats it mindlessly. (squawk) It explodes and bursts into a poof of feathers. Everyone turns, looks over in your direction.

MATT: I got a plan. Do you have a direction where the honey’s from that I gave you earlier?

TALIESIN: I’m going to try to smell it again.

MARISHA: All right.

MATT: Please, for the love of god.

TALIESIN: Yes! Yes I do! That way!

MARISHA: You can smell that it’s coming from the Opal District a little bit, a really nice tavern called the Sun Kissed Inn in that direction.

MATT: You guys start heading that way. I’ll catch up to you in a minute, I know where the Sun Kissed Tavern is. I’m going to try to save some lives.

MARISHA: You bears split off into a back alleyway and start following Cookie and Waffle.

LIAM: I was liking that guy, but I don’t know. We don’t need any martyrs in this group.

MATT: As the townsfolk are gathering around this fire troupe, I’m going to try to step between the threshold of where the various honey-eating folk and the fire spinners are. Step into that central area.

LIAM: What’s the range on the Vex necklace?

MATT: I don’t know where she is, so we’ll find out.

MARISHA: Yep, neither do I! She’s real busy right now. People are dancing and they’re cheering, they’re eating the honey. Really stoked.

MATT: As they begin to encroach, I shake my head for a second, pull my hat and cloak off, and (roar) towards all of the townsfolk, away from the fire dancers. Attempting to use my terrify special skill.

MARISHA: Roll 2d6 under bear and take the lower.

MATT: Two and a three!

MARISHA: Kids immediately get snapped out of their dancing trance. Drunk people instantly sober. Everyone screams and takes off running into the other direction.

MATT: I turn around to the fire dancers. (growling)

MARISHA: You can tell a low level one person goes (groaning) and makes flame, but nothing really comes out.

MATT: I throw the cloak back over my shoulder, take one of the fire sticks. Bidet! And start heading in the direction of the Sun Kissed Tavern.

MARISHA: (yelling) She screams and runs off.

MATT: Do I have to move a point anywhere for that?

MARISHA: That was a successful criminal action, so point from bear to criminal.

TALIESIN: Good grabbing the stick.

MATT: I’m holding the flame stick with me now.

MARISHA: You see Pike, off in the distance, start looking and moving people out of the way.

MATT: I get as low as I can.

MARISHA: “What do you mean, a bear? What did the bear look like?” She is demanding from other people that are screaming in panic right now. You’ve successfully wreaked havoc. You hear a few guards call out, “Those bears got in the city! Damn it, O'Donnell!” Keep moving. The rest of you bears, you sneak off, go around, heading your way towards the tavern.

LIAM: You got a bead on it?

TALIESIN: Yeah. I think I can hack it.

LIAM: We’re going to stick to the alleyways, we’re going to make our way there quietly. All right?

TALIESIN: Quiet.

LIAM: Little guy?

BRIAN: Huh?

LIAM: Vegas.

BRIAN: Yeah!

LIAM: Take point!

BRIAN: How many?

LIAM: 15 HB.

BRIAN: Okay. What else?

LIAM: Just get ahead of us, look around the corner, see if anybody’s coming. If there’s anybody there–

BRIAN: Kill them immediately.

LIAM: You’re two feet tall; don’t kill them immediately, just give us a signal!

BRIAN: And then they get on the ground, and then I go at the neck.

LIAM: It’s a good thing you’re a good at pulling thorns out of our paws, I’m telling you, Vegas.

BRIAN: Suck poison out, too, if I really needed to.

LIAM: Get up there, earn your fucking keep.

BRIAN: Okay! I run over and crawl down to the thing.

TALIESIN: Damn honey badger don’t need any lip.

BRIAN: Eh, shut up.

MARISHA: Peek around a corner, look left, look right. You see a discarded wheelbarrow, a few discarded carts, some trash.

BRIAN: I want a cart. I’m the HB Driver.

MARISHA: You veer off, you take a closer look. One’s a little pull-behind cart that has shoulder straps. It’d be one of the bigger ones. There’s a wheelbarrow. Looks tinier, made of wood, but you might be able to maneuver it. It looks like a little kid wagon, is basically what it is.

SAM: Vegas, what you got up there?

BRIAN: I’m looking for one that looks like the A-Team van!

SAM: I don’t know what that– no! I’m not from around here. I’m an out-of-towner.

LIAM: Bee-Team, come on!

BRIAN: There’s some carts and a wheelbarrow!

SAM: A cart?

BRIAN: Yeah!

SAM: I can lift a cart.

BRIAN: Okay. Take the cart.

MARISHA: You push on the cart a little bit. Wheel falls off and collapses. Looks like it’s been there for a while. As it collapses, behind that is a shiny, chrome metallic, little black detailing racing stripes on the side– It’s like a little Radio Flyer wagon.

LIAM: Does it say de Rolo on it?

MARISHA: It, in fact, does say de Rolo on it.

BRIAN: Okay, so there’s some really shiny shit here. I’m going to use extreme caution bringing it down the hallway. I’m going to move all the shit out of the way and pull it down.

TALIESIN: Vegas, are you sure you can maneuver this thing? You seen something like this before?

MARISHA: Roll a criminal check as you’re trying to be stealthy.

TALIESIN: This thing looks complicated.

LIAM and BRIAN: How big is it?

TALIESIN: Bigger than a honeypot?

MARISHA: It’s bigger than a honeypot. It’s a Radio Flyer, it’s a little wagon!

LIAM: So it’s big enough for Vegas, but not for a bunch of bears.

MARISHA: Yeah.

BRIAN: Success.

MARISHA: Success? You shift some things aside. You hear a rustle from the house. Don’t move for a second. “George! George!”

BRIAN: Who the fuck’s George? Do we know who George is?

MARISHA: “Goddamn my piece of shit husband.” She wanders off. You can continue.

BRIAN: (low scraping).

MARISHA: (squeaking) Liam Las Vegas comes back.

BRIAN: Guys, look! Behold!

SAM: What we do with that?

BRIAN: We can put honey in it! And if someone gets injured, we could–

SAM: What?

BRIAN: Put their honey in it so they can focus on walking!

SAM: That’s really smart!

TALIESIN: I put my honey in the wagon.

LIAM: Yeah, smart.

TALIESIN: Yeah, that really frees me up. Good thinking.

MARISHA: You’re all stealthing, keep moving down the alleyways.

TALIESIN: The wagon with a fez full of honey.

SAM: I’m looking for anything that looks like bamboo.

MARISHA: You’re eating the trash along the way. There’s a few foliage and trees that look bamboo-y.

SAM: I’ll eat them!

MARISHA: There’s a few cattail rods and fronds that are not too bad.

LIAM: We don’t have the city bear back yet, right?

MARISHA: Not yet. Actually, about this time, as you guys come around the corner you run, coming down the alleyway, right into Trinket.

LIAM: What’s up, big guy?

SAM: What happened? There was a lot of commotion back there!

MATT: Don’t worry about it. We need to get to the tavern. I look down and see the fez in the cart and I hold the fire rod away.

SAM and BRIAN: What’s wrong?

MATT: Safety tip: this doesn’t touch that.

TALIESIN: That’s an important safety tip.

SAM: Get that thing away from me; I don’t like fire.

TALIESIN: He’s wearing a fez, too, you don’t want to get that anywhere near that. It’s very flammable.

MATT: I point again and say, this also doesn’t touch that.

SAM: What?

LIAM: Well, I don’t like to burn.

MATT: Remember that chicken?

LIAM: Uh-huh. What, are you saying there’s a correlation?

BRIAN: You ate the–

MATT: Don’t worry about it. Sun Kissed Tavern. Keep leading us on with that beautiful nose of yours.

TALIESIN: Here’s a question: How do you spell Sun Kissed? And I can’t read.

MATT: Shit.

SAM: Let’s keep following the smell.

MATT: Maybe it’s got pictures.

MARISHA: Out of one of the side alleys, as you guys are having this conversation, you hear (clopping). See that, I’m fucking Dee Bradley Baker up in here.

SAM: Did you just self Dee Bradley Baker yourself?!

MARISHA: Yeah, I did! I didn’t plan those, I didn’t practice those ahead of time. It’s not too bad.

LIAM: That’s a joke for 83 people.

TALIESIN: I don’t feel good about that.

BRIAN: That was up there with all of Dee Bradley Baker’s monsters for sure.

MARISHA: Totally!

LIAM: I give that joke five bear claws out of five. Very nice!

MARISHA: You see two silhouettes coming out of the shadows, also wearing hats. One has horns coming out of it. Two cows, also trying to pass as civilians, come up to you and go, “Well, well, well! What do we have here? It looks like we got ourselves a couple of wise bears!” They’re holding a stick like it’s a tommy gun, but it’s definitely a stick.

TALIESIN: Careful kids, they’ve got sticks.

LIAM: Hey, friend. Let me ask you something. Are you one of those cow-cows or one of those people-passing-themselves-off-as-cows? Just to avoid confusion.

MARISHA: “Look, wise guy. I’m a prize cow. Do you know who we are? We’re the blue ribbon winners here at the Hazel Festival. Yeah, that’s right. And you know what? Me, oh, this here is Bonnie.” She goes, “Hi! You tell them, Cow!” He goes, “That’s Bonnie and I’m Cow. We’re tired of living like second-class livestock, you hear?”

SAM: Point of clarification: They’re holding sticks?

MARISHA: They’re holding sticks. Like tommy guns.

SAM: Yeah!

BRIAN: I’m pulling a Radio Flyer!

SAM: You have digits!

BRIAN: I do, but still. Cows can carry things.

MARISHA: It’s balanced. It’s tucked up under.

TALIESIN: It’s a Far Side cartoon, just go with it.

LIAM: Beefcake! I don’t think we have a problem here. There’s not a lot of overlap: you guys like grass, you guys like ribbons.

MARISHA: “Oh, do we? Do we like grass? Are you going to start telling me about myself now? Look at these guys, Bonnie.” “Yeah, you tell them, Cow!” “Yeah!”

BRIAN: You also like to be milked.

MARISHA: “All right, you know what? You bears, you get to enjoy your honey. You get to enjoy all these fruits and all these bamboos. And we get stuck with hay. And I’m just here to say we’re tired of it! Aren’t we, Bonnie?” “Yeah!”

SAM: I step forward and crack my bear knuckles and say: If you’re so sick and tired of it, why don’t you make a move? Come on, let’s end this right here. Let’s settle it.

BRIAN: Take a shit on them, Peddy!

SAM: I don’t shit where I eat!

BRIAN: Well, then shit on the one you’re not going to eat!

SAM: Okay! That makes more sense!

MARISHA: “Is that a threat? Is that supposed to be some sort of hamburger threat? I get it! I’m a cow, I’ve heard them all! All right. You want to throw down? That honey’s ours. All right, let’s throw down!”

SAM: Let’s do this!

TALIESIN: Did the cow just drop his stick?

MARISHA: He did!

MATT: Here’s my question. How much like bamboo do those sticks look?

MARISHA: They look pretty good. They look like some pretty tasty-looking sticks. They’re still green. He dropped it on the floor.

MATT: I lean over to Peddy and say: Disarm them.

SAM: I pounce with panda speed!

BRIAN: Yes!

SAM: I throw myself on the stick and I bite it in half!

LIAM: Fuck ‘em up, Peddy!

MARISHA: As you bite down on the stick–

BRIAN: Gnaw on that knob, Peddy!

MARISHA: –you realize there’s actually something a little bit different about this stick. It has a shimmer to it, it’s not as easy to bite through. You realize this is actually a magic stick.

SAM: What?! Is this true?!

MARISHA: Yeah!

SAM: Like, now?

MARISHA: You can certainly try.

SAM: This is a spell I can do?

MARISHA: It’s a stick that, when you use it, it turns into a giant whacking trunk. Yeah.

SAM: Wait, that’s this, yeah? When I use this stick, I become two bears?

MARISHA: No. Wait, what? Oh, I gave you the wrong one! That’s what you needed.

SAM: This makes much more sense! But I don’t have to use it now, but have this item.

MARISHA: You now have it.

SAM: Okay, great. I can’t bite it in half! I’ll just hold onto it with my digits that I have.

MARISHA: Bonnie and Cow go, “Moo!” and start trying to stampede you all. What do you do?

TALIESIN: I take off my cloak and I’m going to try and bull them out into one of the buildings.

MARISHA: Roll for criminal.

TALIESIN: This is all criminal.

MARISHA: Roll for being a cow hacker. You’re cow hacking.

TALIESIN: Bovine hacking. Classic. I rolled a four, I do not hack.

MARISHA: He doesn’t fall for it. He tramples right over you. You get knocked prone on the ground. You get aggravated and take a point in bear.

LIAM: I’m going to grab Las Vegas by the scruff of the neck off the Radio Flyer and I’m going to try to chuck him on top of Cow.

MARISHA: All right!

BRIAN: I’ll get on there and I’ll start going carnage, yeah.

MARISHA: Do fastball special, land on top of him, get a nice little foam going in the mouth. It’s good. Roll 2d6.

LIAM: You’re the driver; steer that shit!

BRIAN: One and two!

MARISHA: You start tearing at the throat of Cow. Poor Cow didn’t know what was coming to him. Scruff is getting–

BRIAN: Eat more chicken!

MARISHA: He goes down pretty good. Bonnie turns and goes, “What?! No! You monsters!” and she turns and goes for you, Trinket.

MATT: As she rears towards me, I get down and be as imposing a grizzly figure as I can, and give a very focused, centered roar right in her direction. (roars)

MARISHA: Roll for terrify.

MATT: Yeah, with a two. I only have two bear right now.

MARISHA: She goes, “You’ll pay for this.”

MATT: Take your wounded boy, and don’t cross a bear in a hat ever again.

MARISHA: She grabs Cow and starts trying to drag him off. It’s going to take time.

SAM: It’s going to take a while.

MARISHA: It’s pretty sad, actually.

BRIAN: Are there any sticks left?

MARISHA: Just the one stick. There is another stick. It is just a stick, though.

SAM: I’m going to eat the second stick.

MARISHA: Okay. I’d say you get a point in bear for that. You did some pretty good bear stuff this go-round.

MATT: Do we also move a point into bear?

MARISHA: You would move a point into criminal, and you would also move a point into criminal because your plan succeeded.

MATT: For using a special skill. That’s right. That’s not good.

TALIESIN: Say, Trinket. You’ve got a great singing voice.

SAM: Boss, I know she’s within earshot, but shouldn’t we leave no witnesses? Do you want me to take her out of commission?

LIAM: She’s a fucking cow. Do you think she’s going to go to the city council and report a bunch of bears? We need to keep on the task at hand: get the honey and get out.

MATT: As she turns away, I take a quick glance to look at the back of her shoulderblades to see if I notice any familiar branding.

MARISHA: You actually do recognize this branding. This is from the old couple that Vox Machina saved their bears from being eaten from rocs.

MATT and SAM: Their cows.

MARISHA: Their cows, yeah. What did I say?

SAM: You said bears.

MARISHA: Oh, sorry. Cows.

LIAM: We got it.

MARISHA: The same old couple that you saw earlier, running through looking for their lost cows.

MATT: I turn to Peddy and say: wait, I know these cows. We’ve talked to these cows. These cows are assholes.

SAM: You want me to show them what-for?

MATT: Finish them off.

SAM: All right! I’m going to go up and take my stick and knock Bonnie in the head with it.

MARISHA: Okay, you use the stick, and as you rear it back, it turns into a giant tree trunk, basically, that comes toppling down right on her head. Roll for criminal.

SAM: Oh, I’ve got to roll well. Two!

MARISHA: Wait, no. Bear.

SAM: Either way, I succeed.

MARISHA: Okay. (impact) A little blood splatters–

SAM: She’s dead?

MARISHA: She had a tree fall on her. And then after a second, it goes back to a stick.

MATT: Okay, I thought it was a stick. That’s on me.

SAM: This is amazing! I’ve got a stick that makes trees.

TALIESIN: Who would’ve thunk it.

LIAM: Trinket, I’m going to make a proposal to you.

MATT: Does it involve honey? I’m starting to get real twitchy.

SAM: Boss!

LIAM: Yeah?

SAM: Did you hear the part where this turns into trees?!

LIAM: It doesn’t make any sense. I’m doing business, all right? Sit tight.

SAM: I feel like this is a more momentous thing!

LIAM: It doesn’t seem that important in the grand scheme of things.

BRIAN: Didn’t it used to be a tree, anyway?

LIAM: Keep your mind on honey, all right, Peddy?

SAM: All right.

BRIAN: I know you’re not used to holding things that size in your hand, but you need to focus.

LIAM: Las Vegas.

BRIAN: Yo.

LIAM: You’re the best at what you do, bud, but hold on. The big bears are talking business.

BRIAN: All right.

LIAM: You seem like a hard motherfucker to me. Once we get the honey, I get the sense that you’ve got ties to these people.

MATT: More or less, yeah.

LIAM: What say you run free with us? We could hit Vasselheim. We could get all the fucking honey of every temple in that city. The good stuff, after this.

BRIAN: We’ve got a cart to pull it in, and everything.

TALIESIN: The Slayer’s Take’s got to have fingers in dozens of bakeries all over town. Their honey pots are sweet.

MATT: Looking as how I’m five points into criminal right now, I start nodding slowly, and go: all right, I hear what you’re saying. You all seem to be a fairly functional lot. We’ll see how this– most of you seem like a functional lot. Let’s see how this goes down. When all’s said and done and we’ve enjoyed our just desserts, you might be onto something.

LIAM: I like this guy, Waffle.

TALIESIN: Yeah, there was a honey pun. That’s good. Yeah.

MARISHA: You peek down the alleyway a little bit. People are still pretty cleared out of the town square from where everyone was looking for a giant bear that’s now running loose in the town. You see a few knocked-over jars of the sample honey. It would be risky, but there’s some honey not too far.

MATT: That’s worth the risk. I’ve got to keep my eyes focused. My brain right now is caught up with the ideas of all the various other heists we could throw, and I’ve been a good person so far, a good bear, in my life. I can’t deter too far from that path. I’ll be right back. And I rush up to try and grab one of the canisters and bring it back.

SAM: Why’s he always leaving us like that?

MARISHA: Roll for criminal.

MATT: I make it.

MARISHA: You scoop up as many as you can.

MATT: I’m jamming it into my mouth directly.

MARISHA: Move a point from criminal to bear, and I’d say you can probably bear-handle two more jars of honey, awkwardly.

MATT: I come back and put it into the Radio Flyer.

BRIAN: Can I eat some of it as I help him?

MARISHA: Sure. Move a point. Does anyone else want to eat anything? You good?

LIAM: I’m all right. I’m feeling pretty in control, so let those in need scoop the honey first.

SAM: I’m more of a bamboo person, honestly. I don’t really– I’m fine.

MATT: Dip your spoon in it. Try it.

SAM: Oh yeah, I have those sample spoons. Delicate. Nice odor. Has a forward nose. Jammy, but new-world jammy.

BRIAN: Jammy? I heard jimmy.

SAM: Yeah, it’s got a steely-oaky feel.

TALIESIN: What are the notes, man?

BRIAN: How old would you say it is?

SAM: 12 years, aged in barrel. Good mouthfeel. I like it! Hey, this stuff is pretty good. You know what this is like? Liquid bamboo.

LIAM: You know how you can tell a panda bear is a vegan? It never fucking stops telling you about it.

BRIAN: Yeah, and the ones that do Crossfit.

(laughter)

SAM: What’s Crossfit?

BRIAN: It’s when they run up and down the thing, and they’re always talking about the shirts.

LIAM: No, Vegas, we do Bee-90X.

BRIAN: Yeah, Bee-90X.

MATT: Focus! We’ve got honey hiding somewhere right now. I don’t want you buffoons ruining our chance. They know there’s bears around now, and I bought us a little bit of time, but we’ve got to hurry it up.

LIAM: He talks a lot of sense. Come on. We’ve got to keep our eyes on the prize. We’ve got to get to this inn.

MATT: All right. You’ve got the nose, you’ve got the brains.

LIAM: You got a scent on it, Waffle?

TALIESIN: Do I still got a scent on it?

MARISHA: Yeah, I’d say you’ve still got a pretty good scent on it.

TALIESIN: Yeah, it’s this way. Bring the cart around!

BRIAN: (squeaking wheels)

MARISHA: You hear a few guards in the distance, shouting. It’s kind of inaudible. “Clear!” Seems people are definitely looking.

LIAM: Snake? Snake!

MARISHA: You’ve definitely put the city on high alert, for sure. Everyone roll a criminal check as you stealthily move through the city.

SAM: Succeed.

MATT and BRIAN: Succeed.

LIAM: I failed big time. I rolled a six.

MARISHA: All right. What about you, Waffle?

TALIESIN: I was going to roll, but first, I was going to think about the last time we were in a tricky situation like this.

BRIAN: Ugh, here comes one of grandpa’s old stories.

TALIESIN: No, I remember we were doing a roll through Whitestone. There was high alert.

MARISHA: Flashback! (flashback noises)

TALIESIN: We were trying to book our way through the main square towards that big tree.

LIAM: Goddamn tree.

TALIESIN: The tree can give you a little coverage, but not nearly enough. That cart came by, and we kept walking right behind the horses on the cart. No one suspected a thing. They were sitting there, minding their own business, making noise like, “Bears! Look out, bears!” They didn’t see a damn thing coming.

LIAM: Farted the whole way there. Smokescreen. Done. Out. Honey got.

TALIESIN: Ba-da-bing. Can I get a point of criminal?

MARISHA: You can get a point in criminal back.

LIAM: Does that save all of us, or just him?

MARISHA: Just him. I’d say, if you want to switch a point, since you were part of that, go ahead.

LIAM: So it goes…

MARISHA: From bear to criminal.

TALIESIN: Flashback, you go bear to criminal. Honey: criminal to bear. Don’t know why I’m still– boy.

MARISHA: And it actually gives you a pretty good idea, Waffle. Since the town is kind of empty right now, you walk by a little news stand that has tobacco and hand-rolled cigarettes.

TALIESIN: Sweet syrup, I got me an idea. Hold on. I walk up. Just trying.

MARISHA: Okay.

TALIESIN: Pull a cigar together, basically. Trying to stealthily grab a couple cigars.

MARISHA: Okay. I’ll allow it to just happen. Just because of the ridiculousness.

TALIESIN: I’m going to light a couple.

MATT: I go to get the fire staff from the ground, pull it back, pull my cloak back up.

MARISHA: It’s an obnoxiously large flame for what you’re trying to do, but–

TALIESIN: That’s fine. It’s fine. Now–

LIAM: Last time you did this, you got stoned for three days on the outskirts of Kraghammer. I had to talk you out of that tree. Took me three fucking days!

TALIESIN: But it worked, didn’t it?

LIAM: Do you have yourself in control?

TALIESIN: I’m fine. Right now I feel (grunts).

LIAM: Moderation. Moderation.

TALIESIN: Feeling good. Feeling fine. So… now?

MARISHA: Go ahead and put another point into criminal from bear. It’s pretty good. It feels pretty good.

TALIESIN: Yeah. No, smoking. Honey blazed.

MARISHA: You guys keep moving, doing pretty good. As you come around a corner, down an alleyway, you see a little kerfuffle going on and you see two bigger kids just sucker-punching on this little kid and they’re taking honey samples and smearing it in his hand. A lot of it, it’s Victor just smearing it into his hair. You hear the kid screaming, “Hey! Hey! Stop it! Stop it, you guys! Seriously, my dad’s going to kick your butt!”

BRIAN: I run over there and smack one of the kids in the back of the head.

MARISHA: He was like, (sneering) “Ah!” Turns around.

BRIAN: Stop it!

MARISHA: “Shit, you guys! Hey Jordan. Jordan, look, it’s a ferret! Let’s capture him!”

BRIAN: I’m not a ferret, you piece of shit! Get away from him!

MARISHA: The kids start trying to capture you.

BRIAN: Oh, that’s fine. I just start fucking–

SAM: Killing?

MARISHA: Roll for carnage.

BRIAN: Carnage.

LIAM: I’m going to run out and help him. I’m going to jump the other kid.

BRIAN: (shouting) I don’t like bullies! It’s a four.

MATT: Oh, you have advantage because it’s carnage.

BRIAN: Yeah, then you have advantage.

MARISHA: Go ahead, roll for bear plus one.

BRIAN: I fail. Does that mean I fail? Yeah.

LIAM: I failed hard.

MARISHA: Oh shit.

BRIAN: We both failed.

LIAM: Son of a bitch!

MARISHA: (laughs) The kid grabs you successfully. The other kid turns, sees you. He’s like, “Oh shit! Shit, Jordan, it’s those bears!” And starts taking the wooden play sword that he got at the festival and just starts beating you with it.

TALIESIN: I’m going to hack that sword in half! I’m going to come running up and hack that sword in half.

MARISHA: Take a point in bear. Also take a point in bear. As the kid’s holding you and you’re just (struggling sounds).

MATT: I just sit back and watch with Peddy, smoking the cigarette that Waffle gave me.

TALIESIN: I’m going to hack that sword in half.

BRIAN: This is not how it went in the after school special.

MARISHA: How are you going to hack that sword?

TALIESIN: With my claws. I’m going to hack it in half.

MARISHA: You’re really pushing that hacker thing, aren’t you?

TALIESIN: That’s what you gave me, man!

MARISHA: You know, once again, I’ll allow it based on the shitty English language.

TALIESIN: Thank you. That’s how I get away with almost everything in my life.

MARISHA: Two dice, under bear.

TALIESIN: Two dice, under bear. I do it! I hack the sword.

MARISHA: Okay. The sword breaks in half. He’s like, “Oh, shit, it’s the other bear!”

TALIESIN: You’ve been hacked.

MARISHA: “What? I feel like–”

TALIESIN: Say it! Say you’ve been hacked! I hacked you! Say it!

MARISHA: “George, what’s he trying to say?”

TALIESIN: (bear sounds)

MARISHA: As he’s distracted–

LIAM: Do I have a kid on my back, by the way?

MARISHA: Oh, the other kid that was being bullied comes up with his prop sword and he goes (whack) and comes down right over the top of the first kid who is holding you. He turns to the second kid. They’re like, “Aw, shit, man. Come on, let’s get out of here!” And they take off.

LIAM: I trip one of them as they run.

MARISHA: “Ugh! You just scraped my knee!” (crying)

LIAM: Run, you stubborn prick, you! (manic laughter)

MARISHA: “Mum!”

SAM: We’re dicks.

MARISHA: As you flick the cigarette, you see one of Victor’s sample cups go–

MATT: No!

MARISHA: –(ignition sounds). It goes (sparking sound), like a bottle rocket.

MATT: Right. Point of order. No one flick cigarettes. Especially if there are kids with it smeared in their hair. I’m so sorry. Which, the kid sees a giant hat-wearing Trinket going (bear sounds).

MARISHA: He’s got this cowlick– he’s sore and he’s like–

MATT: I hold the torch away.

MARISHA: “Wow. You know, I really feel like you guys are trying to talk to me. This is great! You guys saved me! Oh, I got saved by bears! No one’s going to believe me.”

MATT: (grunts)

MARISHA: “That’s right, fuzzy bear. Hey, are you guys– you guys want some honey?”

BRIAN: Yes?

MARISHA: “I know where there’s a lot of honey.”

TALIESIN: That’s the only word of English I know.

BRIAN: Tell us.

MARISHA: “Okay. See, my dad is the head of security.”

BRIAN: Congrats.

MARISHA: “He’s the head of– so he knows where all the honey is hiding and he told me that there’s a code and he made me collect a bunch of fish for it and it wasn’t very fun. But there’s a secret code! I can tell it. I can show you where my dad is!”

LIAM: Kid, how would you like to be an official bear bandit? (bear sounds)

MARISHA: “It’s so cool having bear friends! Okay, if you go around the corner and go up there, right next to the Sun Kissed Inn. My mum likes drinking there a lot. If you go over, next to the Sun Kissed Inn, there’s an alley behind it and there’s a door that goes up to the side, and that’s where the head of security is.”

LIAM: This kid. I like this kid.

SAM: Boss, you know–

MARISHA: “Okay. Have fun. Bye!” And he runs off.

MATT: Kid, wash your hair!

MARISHA: (giggling) “Mum!” And he runs off.

SAM: Do you want to rub him out? No witnesses, right?

LIAM: No, you had your fun for the day, all right?

BRIAN: Did you say rub him out? I have to say no.

TALIESIN: It got weird.

SAM: Vegas.

LIAM: I remember this one time in Las Vegas…

SAM: Oh, are you doing a flashback right now?

(laughter)

TALIESIN: No.

LIAM: All right. You got the smell of honey in your nose, and we’re going to the Sunkist Inn. We know the head of security is up a side stairway. What the fuck do we do with that?

TALIESIN: I don’t know. You’re the brains.

BRIAN: I don’t think we can take the cart up the stairs.

MATT: I think we can with the right muscle.

BRIAN: Oh. Yeah.

SAM: I can carry a cart.

BRIAN: A cart full of honey?

SAM: Sure. Yeah.

BRIAN: Could you carry me too, like the old days?

SAM: Why would I– what?

BRIAN: Remember when I was hiding behind you in the beginning?

SAM: Yeah.

TALIESIN: (flashback sounds)

(laughter)

TALIESIN: Everyone go back to eight minutes into the video.

SAM: Are we going to do a flashback to that moment?

MARISHA: If you would like to.

BRIAN: Yeah!

SAM: Yeah. There’s another guy. There’s another guy here. You said three bears but there’s another guy. Why don’t you come out from behind me there, friend?

BRIAN: Hey, it’s me! I don’t remember what I said.

MARISHA: Flashback. (flashback sounds) And you’re back.

TALIESIN: Someday we’re all going to look back on this and laugh, right there.

MARISHA: Go ahead and put a point from bear into criminal.

SAM: I think you did that wrong, friend. No, it’s bear to criminal.

BRIAN: I was hoping it was gonna take a thing–

MARISHA: Well, you can always eat the honey.

BRIAN: Oh yeah.

MARISHA: And then you also take a point from bear into criminal.

BRIAN: I’ll eat some more honey too.

MARISHA: Okay. Now you can move that point back.

MATT: How many more servings of honey do we have in the cart?

MARISHA: You’ve got a jar and a half.

TALIESIN: Are they eating the hat honey?

MATT: Is it a half a jar per serving?

MARISHA: I’d say yeah, three more.

TALIESIN: Don’t eat the hat honey.

MATT: All right, don’t eat the hat honey. We only got three proper servings left so we have to be sparing.

LIAM: How close are we to this tavern?

BRIAN: Well, we’re going to go get a fuckton more.

LIAM: Waffle, what does your nose tell you?

TALIESIN: (sniffs) I don’t know. I have no real perception of distance that is actually capable of being communicated to a bunch of other bears.

MARISHA: It’s close.

LIAM: Is it like three glens or five?

TALIESIN: It’s close. No, it’s like two glens tops.

LIAM: Two glens over?

TALIESIN: It’s close.

MARISHA: That sounds accurate.

TALIESIN: A glen. Maybe half a hill and a dale.

LIAM: Okay. Well, let’s get close. I want your nose and my nose. I have a pretty good nose. The best noses. You’d be surprised! We get outside that tavern and try to figure out where in that building that honey is, it’s probably in the tavern, probably in the basement of the tavern, probably in the back in the larder– but let’s check it out. Come on.

MARISHA: And with that, we will take a break. As always, stay tuned for the wonderful Brian Foster’s codeword so you can win some shit. I don’t know what you’re going to win, but you’re going to win some shit.

BRIAN: It’s going to be a beautiful deck box.

MARISHA: And we’re going to take a break and we’ll be right back, I guess.

SAM: Woo-hoo! Marisha Ray!

(cheers and applause)

BreakEdit

[break]

Part IIEdit

MARISHA: Welcome back… to Trinket and Peddy Tuxpin’s Honey Heist. We have a winner for Brian’s wood, which is HawkWinter01.

MATT and MARISHA: HawkWinter!

BRIAN: Sounds like a born winner.

MARISHA: Yeah. Sounds like a Marvel character.

MATT: We drink to your honor.

MARISHA: Sponsored by Marvel Puzzle Quest. Got to catch them all. And then you, Sam, quick catch-up announcement?

SAM: Yeah, so next week, I will be hosting a one-shot. I will be in the Marisha seat, and my special guests will be: Amy Vorpahl, from Geek & Sundry. Stefanie aka Sofia Woodburn. Yuri Lowenthal, voice of things. Noelle Stevenson, writer of things. Molly Ostertag– I hope I’m saying that right– also writer of things. And back for more: Jon Heder! They will be having fun adventures and fairytale romance on the high seas.

MATT: I’m so excited.

TALIESIN: I am genuinely so pleased that all of this is happening.

ALL: Be pleased.

TALIESIN: Yeah, and if you’ve got time tomorrow night, we got the confirm that we’re going to be singing and drinking on Gather Your Party tomorrow night, so we’re going to be having a pub sing. You get to hear me sing.

MATT: Forgot to mention One Night Only on Saturday. We’re doing GM Tips. Me and Satine are hosting a GM Tips One Night Only, this Saturday at 8PM, I believe.

MARISHA: We’ve got some pretty awesome people who are going to be on it.

BRIAN: I told Satine. She’s on board.

LIAM: Some bad breaking news. This just in: Laura and Travis actually tripped and fell into a giant vat of Tim Tams in Australia and were smothered to death.

SAM: Oh no. They tried to get out, but Vegemite was poured on top.

MATT: They have to slam their way out of there. It’s the only way to do it.

LIAM: There was no coffee nearby.

BRIAN: It looks like Travis went mud-wrestling again, but unfortunately, that’s not mud.

MARISHA: You can donate to Oxfam to help them out. No.

MATT: So?

MARISHA: All right. Criminal bear posse.

SAM: We’re right back in it.

MARISHA: You’re right back in.

TALIESIN: Our cloaks, our hats…

MARISHA: Your cloaks, your ascots, your hats.

LIAM: Our miniature Superman capes.

MARISHA: Your pull-behind de Rolo Roller.

MATT: Taking inventory here. Three sources of honey, an explosive honey hat.

TALIESIN: A fez of explosive honey.

MATT: And a fire staff and a tree stick.

MARISHA: Not doing too bad.

MATT: Not a bad haul.

BRIAN: A cart!

MARISHA: And a cart.

LIAM: This could be yours, Trinket, forever and ever and always.

MATT: I’m thinking about it, but still. You’ve proved to me that you’re useful, and you’ve proved to me that you’re partner material. Come on, brains. Lead us to this tavern. Follow your brother there. See if you can get us inside this security door.

BRIAN: (wheels squeaking)

(laughter)

LIAM: Hold up. I take a whiz on the wheels to silence them.

MARISHA: Roll for bear?

(laughter)

LIAM: I do it!

MARISHA: You successfully pee on wheels.

LIAM: Yeah.

BRIAN: I move the cart to change the wheels so he can keep a steady stream going.

LIAM: How’s it sound now?

MARISHA: Much better. You are leaving a bit of tracks, but it dries in a while. It’s good.

LIAM: The people do that here.

MATT: Yeah, it’s Westruun. It smells like piss everywhere.

MARISHA: All right, you guys keep moving, ducking down alleyways, turning and looking like bears and people as you need to. At one point, in the distance, you hear: “Oh no! We found the Jamesons’ lost cows. Hey, can we get a really big wagon?” That happens in the background. It has people distracted for a little bit, it seems. You keep moving. As you come around the corner, you see, across one of the main thoroughfares, the Sun Kissed Inn.

BRIAN: That looks familiar.

MATT: I can’t read, but it looks like an inn. Sun’s out. Feeling pretty kissy.

MARISHA: Looks pretty fancy. Looks nice. You’re in the Opal Ward right now.

LIAM: Is there a picture of the sun on the sign?

MARISHA: It’s got a nice glow coming up over the logo.

LIAM: This is it.

SAM: Let’s go get us some honey. I’m going to go right through the front door.

LIAM and TALIESIN: Whoa!

SAM: What? This is where the honey is, right? Come on!

BRIAN: Yeah, but you can’t just waltz right in. She said we’ve got to go see the head.

SAM: Who’s she?

LIAM: Peddy. Peddy, I love you, but this is not your natural environment, even. You’re not even a bear that’s from these parts.

SAM: All right, I know. I’m from out of town, all right? Don’t make me feel like– fine.

LIAM: You’re the strongest bear in the group. We love you. We need you. But come on, let’s take it one bear paw at a time, all right?

TALIESIN: One. Just one. I know you’ve got four. Just one.

LIAM: Listen, when we need you to crush somebody’s skulls, who are we going to ask? This guy? No. You! Only you.

MATT: Actually, he’s pretty much already almost killed one creature, but I get what your point is.

BRIAN: Cows do not like me. They do not like me.

TALIESIN: You apparently don’t like them.

BRIAN: When someone calls me a ferret…

LIAM: We don’t insult your integrity. What are we, animals?

SAM: What are you, though, seriously? Are you a mongoose or something?

BRIAN: No, I’m not a mongoose. Do I have gills? Do I look like I have gills? I’m not a mongoose.

SAM: You’re right. I should have seen: no gills.

BRIAN: I’m a honey badger!

MATT: It’s a valid point.

BRIAN: I’m a honey badger. I’m a little bit smaller. I wish I was a little bit taller.

(off-screen laugh)

(laughter)

SAM: That’s your audience. One person.

LIAM: All right, cool your jets, Johnny Cash. Let’s case this joint, okay? Waffle! Where’s the honey smell coming from in this place?

TALIESIN: (sniffs) I’m trying to pinpoint the location of the honey.

MARISHA: You’re getting some pretty strong wafts right through the front door of the Sun Kissed Tavern, for sure.

TALIESIN: I think we’ve come to the right place.

SAM: Hey, Waffle?

TALIESIN: Yeah?

SAM: There’s an exposed pipe here. Maybe you should sniff right there. You know, hack into the mainframe?

TALIESIN: Don’t tell me how to do my business.

SAM: Sorry.

TALIESIN: Can I hack the mainframe?

(laughter)

BRIAN: Don’t tell me how to do what I was just about to do.

MARISHA: Yeah. Roll for hacker. Roll for criminal. It’s under criminal.

LIAM: The last five years of video games have prepared me for this moment.

TALIESIN: I do it.

MARISHA: All right. You get a good sniff, a good waft. It’s a little musty.

SAM: You’re huffing it?

TALIESIN: No, my whole face is in the pipe!

MARISHA: A little bit of fresh laundry, dryer sheets. You go over and see rat droppings down one side.

SAM: He can see through the smell?! No, I love it!

MARISHA: I’m painting a picture here!

SAM: No, I love it! Keep it coming!

MARISHA: You go through, and the smell comes from this dank air passageway over in the corner, but your scent leads you in another direction, and it jettisons to the left, and it goes up to the right, and you see up in this attic loft a security room.

TALIESIN: Oh, there’s a firewall.

MARISHA: And that’s all you can see, and it snaps you back into reality.

TALIESIN: They’ve got a firewall. I don’t think they got me.

BRIAN: Don’t take the hat near the firewall.

TALIESIN: No, we’re going to keep it very safe.

LIAM: Point of order. Excuse me, BM. BM?

SAM: Bear master? Beast master?

LIAM: Bear master, bee master. Take your pick.

MARISHA: I’ll take beast master.

LIAM: Can you please paint a picture of the outside of this building for us humble bears?

MARISHA: You’ve got a main thoroughfare in front of you. Off to your left, you’ve got the town center, where you guys were harassing and terrifying people. There’s a nice fountain in the middle of it.

LIAM: Where we did our expert plan. Yeah, okay.

MARISHA: Fall foliage in the water of the fountain. Still pretty rough-looking from where there was a mass clearing out of people from the bear attack, according to the guards. And then off the main road, there’s the Sun Kissed Inn. It’s a nice white building; looks like it’s been pretty well-kept. On the bottom floor, there’s a tavern. On the upstairs, there’s a little inn you can stay at, a little bed-and-breakfast. It’s got nice white columns. A little swinging wood sign says Sun Kissed Tavern, with a sun rising up over top of the title.

LIAM: What about a side entrance to the security guard?

MARISHA: When you keep looking down the main road, you see another alley– no, wait. It’s this way. You see an alley that jettisons off to the left of the tavern that looks in the direction that his hacker sense was taking him.

LIAM: I didn’t smell that. I wasn’t there.

TALIESIN: I think we’ve got to go around the side. I think that’s our best bet.

LIAM: All right.

MARISHA: You’ve got a catty-corner dart.

MATT: I wipe the huff coloring off the sides of Waffle’s face.

SAM: Gold spray paint?

(laughter)

MATT: Careful. It ruins your brain.

BRIAN: You look like my aunt after church. Come here. Let me get this.

MARISHA: A little dizzy. It wears off in a second.

LIAM: All right. This is good. You’re telling me that the honey is not right through the main doors of the tavern.

TALIESIN: It’s deep inside. They’ve got it definitely under heavy security.

LIAM: They’ve probably got some dipshit upstairs guarding it, around the back. That’s good. This works in our favor.

SAM: I’ve got an idea.

MATT: What’s your idea?

BRIAN: Spill the beans!

SAM: I make a tree right in the middle of the lobby there. You use your fire stick. Set it on fire. The whole place goes up. Problem solved! Hey, I’m the muscle, all right? I don’t come up with the plans.

MATT: Tell you what. If everything goes ass to sky, that’ll be our backup to cover our tracks, but we can’t start with that. Hold onto it. It’s not a bad idea.

SAM: There are no bad ideas, right?

MATT: Exactly!

TALIESIN: I don’t know, maybe we finally heard one.

MATT: Can we see, possibly, a stairway or entrance door to an upper level?

MARISHA: You can see the entrance from where you are in this alley. This alley, main street, another alley across the street and down that way. You can see the entrance of the alley, but you can’t see down it.

LIAM: We can see the stairway up to security guards?

MARISHA: Maybe. You’ve got to make it to the alley.

MATT: Let’s get in the alley.

LIAM: I’ve got an idea brewing. Let’s get a closer look.

MARISHA: Everyone roll for criminal to stealthily cross the street without being seen.

SAM: Fail!

MATT: Success.

LIAM: Fail!

BRIAN and TALIESIN: Success.

MARISHA: Okay.

MATT: Three out of five, maybe?

MARISHA: Yeah, I was going for a Matt Mercer skill challenge, where half had to do good.

LIAM: Who the fuck is that?

MARISHA: Don’t worry about it.

SAM: Half succeeded, right?

MARISHA: Yeah, half succeeded. Yeah.

TALIESIN: More than half.

MARISHA: You’re an uneven number.

TALIESIN: Tie-breaker.

MARISHA: I’ll allow it. Anyway, you guys crossed the street, and now you’re in the alleyway. At the end of it, you see a black nondescript iron door. It’s a little open.

MATT: It’s an iron door on a building made of wood and plaster? What’s the rest of the building construct?

MARISHA: Brick. Brick building.

MATT: All right, and that door’s slightly ajar. Who wants to take a look at that door?

SAM: I can knock it in.

BRIAN: But it’s already open! It’s already open a little bit.

LIAM: May be too good to be true. We go in there– people, right? They’re tricky. They’ve got brains and stuff. Their intelligence is at least eight or higher.

BRIAN: What?

MATT: I don’t know. He’s the brains.

LIAM: If we just go in there, it could fucking blow up in our faces. Maybe that’s what we do; maybe we have no other option. Here’s what I’m thinking–

BRIAN: His plan is to blow up everybody’s faces.

LIAM: That’s going to blow up the honey, though. You can’t eat burned honey like that.

BRIAN: Is honey flammable?

SAM: Does honey burn?

TALIESIN: Honey absolutely burns.

BRIAN: What if we burn down everything, and the only thing that’s left is the honey, and then we move all the bodies and scoop the honey into the Radio Flyer?

LIAM: It’s not your fault you’re vegan. You have very little experience with honey. Yes, the honey will burn.

SAM: Nothing wrong with being a vegan, by the way. I get just as much protein from bamboo.

LIAM: I’m not saying there’s anything wrong with it. I’m just saying it’s real stupid, okay?

SAM: Listen, it’s not my fault that I don’t have to kill an innocent animal to survive like you fuckers do.

MATT: You killed a cow back there.

SAM: Cows don’t count.

TALIESIN: Hey! We’re all hungry. We all want some honey. Some of us want some bamboo– that’s weird, but that’s okay.

BRIAN: Who’s going through the door?

TALIESIN: You’re the smallest. Just take a look.

BRIAN: I can check for traps.

LIAM: What’s above the door? There are giant doors on the ground floor, right? There’s no stairs up or nothing?

MARISHA: Do you want to peek in?

LIAM: No, I don’t. I want to understand what I’m looking at. Is it brick, stone?

MARISHA: There’s a little stoop.

LIAM: The building is more than one floor?

MARISHA: Yes.

BRIAN: It’s an inn with a tavern on the bottom floor.

LIAM: Is it possible for a honey badger to climb up the side of this building?

BRIAN: Yeah, is there some piping or perhaps a beautiful Uncharted rope? Why don’t you make me a tree, you druid?

MARISHA: There is some piping. Yeah, you could make a tree. There’s some piping, and it goes up. There’s a little window that doesn’t seem to have much of a purchase, and then there is a balcony on the front of the tavern that looks like it leads to some suites.

SAM: Sweets! Oh, not like candy.

LIAM: This is what I’m thinking, and we could rush in there; it wouldn’t be the first time we’ve done that, Waffle. But here’s what I’m thinking: one of us gets up higher than the door and waits, and you, Trinket, you speak people pretty good. You could fool people into thinking you’re a human. So we send somebody above the door, you knock on it, draw them out, invite them into a conversation, and when they start talking, bam! Honey badger on their fucking head!

MATT: That’s why you’re the brains. All right, Cookie’s got it. Are we all in on this?

BRIAN: Oh, yeah. I like this one!

SAM: Do you need a tree?

BRIAN: No. I’ve got pipe. I’ve got suites! I’ve got a cart I can jump off of.

MATT: Cart stays here.

BRIAN: I can put honey on my hands and stick to the wall and climb all the way up! I’ll use the pipe.

(laughter)

MARISHA: Okay. So as you bears are hiding in the alley, you take this pipe and climb up it. Roll for bear. Bear climbing.

BRIAN: Jesus fuck. Fail.

MARISHA: You get halfway up the pipe, and it’s too slippery, and you lose purchase, and you go (sliding noise) and slide all the way back down.

BRIAN: What was the other way up?

SAM: Tree.

BRIAN: Can we try a tree? Hey, I had some–

TALIESIN: Never happened before.

BRIAN: This has never happened to me. I’m 27.

TALIESIN: That’s very old for a honey badger.

LIAM: You’re practically dead! 27?

SAM: 27?

BRIAN: I would take the stuff, but the last time, I was climbing for over four hours–

SAM: I’m so sorry we’re disrespecting an elderly person.

LIAM: Don’t eat the honey. Rub it into your flesh.

SAM: He’s not a bear, he’s a prairie dog.

BRIAN: I am not a prairie dog.

MARISHA: Okay, so you were not feeling too bad about falling off the post, and then these assholes started making fun of you, and now you’re getting a little irritated. Put a point in bear from criminal.

BRIAN: Wait, what?

MARISHA: Move a point from criminal to bear.

SAM: All right, here. Let me give you a tree. Stand back! Stand back, everybody.

LIAM: Hey, buddy. Have some honey.

BRIAN: From the cart?

LIAM: You’ve earned it.

BRIAN: All right.

SAM: Boss, how has he earned it? He hasn’t done anything.

BRIAN: I tried to climb a pole, and I failed, and you’ve been sitting down here taking dumps the size of Trinket! Eating all that bamboo. We’ve got to stop every five seconds pushing the cart so you can take a dump!

LIAM: I need him to find his mojo again. Let him have some honey.

MARISHA: You kill that last jar– the first half jar of honey– to calm down a little bit.

LIAM: We’re going to be swimming in honey any minute now.

MARISHA: All right, Peddy.

SAM: You ready? Okay, stand back, everybody.

BRIAN: All right, make me a giant wood to climb.

SAM: I smash the stick down on the ground.

MARISHA: Roll for criminal.

SAM: Success.

MARISHA: Nice! It goes, and you get a big trunk. Lopsided, and it crashes into the balcony a little bit, but it gets there and then gets a little tree growth at the end. It’s not bad.

SAM: What kind of tree?

MARISHA: An oak.

SAM: Sure.

TALIESIN: Ah, the Marisha “no fucks given” voice. What the fuck do you need, motherfucker?

MARISHA: A silver maple.

SAM: What color would the bark be?

MARISHA: Brown.

SAM: Lightish-brown?

MARISHA: No, this looks like–

SAM: Fuck it. I’m going to start eating it.

MARISHA: Okay. You start gnawing at the base of the tree. As you’re climbing, Peddy can’t help himself.

BRIAN: I climb up, get to the bushy part, to where I can’t be seen, and then I, real quick, pee down onto Peddy and say: Honey badger don’t care!

LIAM: This is a Foster badger.

(laughter)

MARISHA: You get up to the top of the balcony.

MATT: I loudly whisper: are you in place?

BRIAN: Yes. Wait! Okay, I’m finished.

MARISHA: You scurry up the tree, peek in the first window. Empty suite, nicely made hotel bed.

BRIAN: Any honey?

MARISHA: No. Pretty empty.

BRIAN: They don’t leave a little honey on the pillow?

MARISHA: No honey samples.

SAM: Turndown service? Honey service?

LIAM: Liam! Liam, what are you doing up there?

BRIAN: I don’t see any honey. I see a pretty nice suite. I would stay here.

LIAM: Great. The plan is, you’ve got to teabag a guy when he comes out the door, so stop peeking in the windows now that you’re done and get ready, all right?

BRIAN: Okay.

LIAM: We’re going to let the thespian here do his thing, then back off.

BRIAN: The room is empty, and empty of honey.

MARISHA: There is another window up further from it on the balcony.

BRIAN: Is it climbable? I’ll climb over there.

LIAM: I swear to god–

SAM: Does the door look like it swings in or out?

MARISHA: Out.

SAM: It swings out?

BRIAN: And it’s open a little bit, you said?

MARISHA: Yeah, it’s cracked.

SAM: I’m going to stand in the cavity where the door swings so I’ll be hiding behind the door when the door’s open, just in case I need to deliver some muscle.

MATT: That’s a good idea.

BRIAN: Deliver some muscle?

SAM: Yeah, gopher. Shut up.

BRIAN: Like someone ordered it? You’re going to deliver muscle to someone? Hello! Muscle’s here. Someone ask for muscle?

SAM: Stop peeing on my tree.

MATT: Shut it!

LIAM: Everybody shut the fuck up, okay?

BRIAN: It’s not delivery, it’s DiMuscle.

LIAM: Hey, meerkat? Zip it.

BRIAN: Sorry. I’m going to go look at this other window.

MATT: Are you in place?

TALIESIN: He’s doing something.

BRIAN: I’m going to check out the other window.

MARISHA: You peek up carefully, after these guys yelled at you, and as you peek up, you see a room. It looks like it’s a hotel suite that’s been taken over temporarily for the Hazel Festival. It’s covered in black curtains. There’s a little sliver of curtain that you’re peeking through. Inside, you see square scrying mirrors lined up along the wall. Papers, a writing desk, and a man in a security uniform– Westruun colors, of course– walking back and forth, pacing. Looks like he’s talking over an earpiece.

BRIAN: Hey! I see the future victim of my teabagging! He’s here.

MATT: Up there?

BRIAN: Yeah, he’s in the window. He’s got something in his head.

LIAM: Look, Trinket’s going to knock. Tell us what he does when Trinket knocks.

BRIAN: Okay. But don’t teabag him yet?

SAM: Trinket?

MATT: Yes?

SAM: If you get in trouble and need me to swing the door and cause some “panda-monium” – trademarked–

TALIESIN: We almost made it.

MARISHA: Surprised that hadn’t happened sooner.

BRIAN: Almost made it. I just lost $500.

(laughter)

BRIAN: I’ve got to call a guy after this!

MATT: Go on.

SAM: What’s the signal? Give me a code word. Give me a signal.

MATT: The codeword is… dollars. How about that?

SAM: Dollars? Okay. Why would that come up in a conversation?

MATT: I don’t know. Figure it out.

LIAM: Dollars, dollars, dollars!

TALIESIN: Dollars!

MATT: I don’t know. All right.

SAM: All right, I’m ready.

MATT: (thudding)

MARISHA: Las Vegas, you see him look over his shoulder, and he frustratedly goes, “Get on out of here. Go away! I’m busy.” And he goes back and starts looking back into the mirrors, occasionally being like, “Any sign of them? Anyone find those goddamn bears?”

MATT: Anything?

BRIAN: They’re definitely looking for you bears, that’s for sure.

MATT: (thudding)

MARISHA: “Ugh. Goddamn it.” You see him leave the room. Trinket, you start hearing–

BRIAN: He’s coming down!

MATT: I begin to move a little bit off to the side of the door where it’ll be opening, so only part of me is visible.

BRIAN: I climb into the room and under the bed.

MARISHA: Okay.

TALIESIN: We’re on either side. I’m going to push against the side of the wall.

LIAM: How’s your criminal looking? Not too high, Brian. Not too high.

MATT: I keep knocking.

MARISHA: He goes, “All right, all right!” He throws open the door. “What, goddamn it?”

LIAM: Las Vegas!

MATT: Have you heard of our lord and savior of latter-day Allhammer?

MARISHA: “You guys, I think the bears are rabid, and I think they’re trying to talk to me. "I think I’ve got one right here. I’ll be goddamned.”

MATT: Make some dollars. Make some dollars. Make some dollars! Dollars! Dollars!

BRIAN: I’m coming down.

SAM: I’m going for it!

BRIAN: Attack!

MARISHA: Okay. The poor guy gets flanked. From behind the open door, he gets slammed with an iron door to the face as a panda bear comes out from the other side, and right as he sees this big black-and-white face come around the corner, Liam Las Vegas comes from behind and gets him in the back, in the nape of the neck. Roll for bear. You get carnal advantage.

MATT: Carnal advantage? That’s a different skill.

BRIAN: Success!

SAM: Fail.

MARISHA: Okay. He’s distracted by you. I don’t think you understood the term “dollars,” and you waved dopily, and he is now grabbing onto your scruff, fighting, and he slams the back of his head into the wall, beating you up a little bit. Take a point in bear.

SAM: Take a point to bear or off bear?

MARISHA: A point from criminal to bear.

BRIAN: Oh shit. Okay.

TALIESIN: I’m going to try and very slyly snatch his earring in the commotion.

LIAM: God, his ear’s going to come off.

TALIESIN: I may hack the ear.

MARISHA: Hack the ear? Okay.

TALIESIN: Try to hack the earring. I’m going to try and grab it and put it on my ear.

MARISHA: All right, roll for criminal.

TALIESIN: With hacker advantage.

MARISHA: Sure. Ear hacking.

TALIESIN: Going for it.

LIAM: Come on, Waffle.

TALIESIN: No, I fail.

MARISHA: Okay. The guy is thrashing around too much. As you go to reach for his ear, he immediately sucker-punches you in the jaw. Take a point into bear.

MATT: Okay, if this is happening, I turn to Cookie and say: Hold him down. He’s got a kid; we can’t kill him.

SAM: He’s got a kid?

MATT: Yeah, the kid that gave us the information.

MARISHA: “Head of security!”

SAM: That’s right.

TALIESIN: I had totally forgotten that there was any relation.

MATT: I’m the only hero here, apparently.

TALIESIN: No, this is like Captain Planet. You’re Heart.

MATT: Apparently, yeah.

MARISHA: Liam, you hear– Liam Las Vegas, you hear, since you’re right up on his neck, you hear over the earpiece, very faintly: “Hey, boss? Okay, we’re heading your way, boss. Boss, come in.”

BRIAN: Don’t come here! I am fine. I have no– I am not in any danger! Everything is perfectly fine!

MARISHA: “Boss?”

BRIAN: This is how he was talking before!

MARISHA: You hear, “Boss Buford? I mean no offense, but have you been drinking again?”

BRIAN: Maybe a tiny bit. Look, it was a slow night.

MARISHA: Buford slams you up against the wall again. What are the rest of you all doing?

MATT: I’m going to pull him off of Buford, as he’s slammed Las Vegas into the wall. I’m going to pull Vegas off while I slam him into the wall and get my bear snout right into his face and give him an intimidating growl to get him to stop thrashing.

MARISHA: Okay, roll for terrify with advantage under your bear stat.

MATT: I succeed, with a one.

MARISHA: He goes, “All right. Just… I’ll let you go.”

MATT: I look at him, and I point with a bear claw and go, (grunts). And I take some of the honey from my bearpit and go, (grunts). Where?

MARISHA: “Did you just say ‘where?’ Holy shit.”

MATT: Where?

MARISHA: “All right. Look, it’s down there. Go through the Sun Kissed Inn. Go into the cellar room. There’s a door. You’ve got to get on the other side of it. Look, just– here.” And he pulls out of his back pocket. “I fucking hate this job, anyway. It’s a piece of shit. Go get the honey, all right?”

MATT: I wipe the honey back in my bear pit and pull him off to where the door is, where it’s open, make sure that all of us are inside–

MARISHA: He looks at the badger, and he goes, “Here.” He doesn’t know what you’re doing, so in another attempt, pulls out a honey sample from his pocket and goes, “Here!”

BRIAN: (eager growling)

MARISHA: And he throws it behind your shoulder to get you to run away.

MATT: Do you want to grab the barrel and bring it in?

TALIESIN: Yeah, we’re getting everything.

MATT: Okay, so as soon as we get our last honey jar, the de Rolo Roller in, I shove him back out and close the metal door, and then try and find a way to lock it.

MARISHA: How are you going to lock it?

TALIESIN: Is it digital?

MATT: (laughs) Is there any sort of locking mechanism or a barricade?

MARISHA: It’s pretty smooth on the outside. Seems like most of the locking handles are from the other side.

SAM: We could put some stuff in front of the door. Is there any stuff around the room?

MARISHA: You did summon a giant tree trunk.

SAM: We could. Wait, what did you say, boss?

LIAM: What’s to stop the kid from squealing that we done just thrown out the door?

BRIAN: I ripped his tongue out before we left.

LIAM: Did you?

BRIAN: Nah. I thought about it for a second.

MARISHA: As you’re holding the door, you hear, (thudding) “Hey, come on!” from the other side.

SAM: Want me to make a trunk?

MATT: Peddy, knock him out. I open the door.

SAM: All right, I’m going to bum-rush him.

MARISHA: Okay, roll two because you’re the muscle.

LIAM: Drag his ass in here, Peddy.

SAM: It doesn’t matter. I succeeded on the first one.

MARISHA: As the door swings back open, he’s met with a giant panda bear head.

SAM: (roars)

MARISHA: He gets whacked in the head and falls unconscious immediately.

BRIAN: Can I search his body for more honey?

MARISHA: Sure. You don’t find any. You do find an old biscuit.

BRIAN: How old?

MARISHA: Looks like he put it in his pocket from this morning. It’s a little style. A little stale. Not style. It’s a little stale. It’s an everything biscuit, like an everything bagel, but an everything biscuit.

TALIESIN: Slayer’s Cake. Everything biscuit.

BRIAN: Isn’t that the fraternity initiation biscuit?

SAM: Oh, gross.

BRIAN: She said “everything biscuit,” and don’t say “gross” to me, Sam Riegel.

LIAM: Where does my nose tell me where to go?

MARISHA: Well, the Sun Kissed Inn, the entrance is out and through the front door. It’s not. This appears to be separate, leading up.

TALIESIN: We’ve got to get in. I want to take a look at that security room.

MARISHA: You open the door. You look behind the guy unconscious on the floor. Are you going to do anything with his body?

SAM: I’m going to drag it inside and look for a place to stow it.

BRIAN: Does he have any keys on his body?

TALIESIN: Use him to prop the door closed.

MARISHA: He does have keys on his body, yes.

BRIAN: Can I take those keys?

MARISHA: You can take those keys.

BRIAN: Put them in the de Rolo Roller.

MARISHA: Yeah, okay.

BRIAN: In case we want to go up to the honeymoon suite.

MARISHA: This is literally just a stairwell entrance. It’s very thin, clearly there for service and bringing in stock. It’s a narrow little room. There seems to be a cupboard under the stairs, if you want to stash him there.

SAM: I’m going to grab him with my teeth and try to shove him under the stairs.

MARISHA: There’s a thin stairwell that goes up and opens up into a loft area. There’s one door that looks like it was suite #1 and another door that looks like it was suite #2, where this was.

LIAM: Get up there.

MARISHA: As you guys enter in, you open the room. You see four screens. They’re all scrying mirrors. A few notes, a few papers, binoculars. A few bottles of mead. Looks like Buford was having a good time.

MATT: Is it honey mead?

MARISHA: It is honey mead.

TALIESIN: All mead is honey mead.

MATT: I know, but I’m a bear, so I have to clarify. Can I take one of the bottles and drink it?

MARISHA: You do.

MATT: (gulping)

MARISHA: I would say you put a point back into bear from criminal. You are a little tipsy, though, for a little bit.

MATT: (slurred) It’s fine. We’re good!

MARISHA: I don’t know how terrifying you might be for a little bit.

MATT: Oh, you haven’t been around the right people and enough mead.

BRIAN: This reminds me, fellows, of the time Trinket got a little too drunk when we were all out at–

MATT: In this room?

BRIAN: (laughing) I need a flashback really bad.

SAM: We just met this guy an hour ago.

BRIAN: Well, this reminds me of when my cousin Blinket–

SAM: Who will also be portrayed by Matthew Mercer in the flashback? Sure.

BRIAN: One time, he also got really– I don’t know why I went western all of a sudden. Anyway, flashback.

LIAM: He was a bush baby.

MATT: I’m so drunk and your cousin.

BRIAN: Ah, he’s my cousin.

MATT: I’m a cousin who’s drunk.

BRIAN: Yeah, anyway, and sadly, we had to take old Blinket out back and shoot him, because it turned out he wasn’t our cousin. He was brought into town by the circus.

MARISHA: Wow. Holy shit. That definitely qualifies as a flashback to being a criminal. Get a point back from bear to criminal. You’re good.

TALIESIN: I want to take a look at this weird security system that they have here with all these mirrors. Are they viewing other rooms?

MARISHA: They are. You look at one of them. The first one is the town square. The second one looks like the entrance to the tavern. You see a few people passed out drunk at tables and a lot of action going on. The other two, there’s codes in the corner. It says S-C-R-Y-C-A-M-S-L-R-1. Wait, C-L-R-1 and C-L-R-2. It’s not important.

(laughter)

TALIESIN: Isn’t it, though? Isn’t it kind of fucking important, really?

MARISHA: There’s town square, tavern, cellar room one, cellar room two. That’s all you need.

LIAM: That’s what’s on these papers here?

MARISHA: That’s what’s blinking in the corner of each of these cameras. Mirrors. Scrying mirrors.

TALIESIN: I think I can hack these mirrors.

MARISHA: All right, try to hack the mirrors.

TALIESIN: I want them to run a loop.

MARISHA: You want to throw them on a loop?

TALIESIN: I want to throw them on a loop.

LIAM: Let the bear work. Let him do his thing.

MARISHA: That’s pretty good. All right, hacker bear. Roll for hacking.

TALIESIN: I’m going to mime keyboarding, but in doing so, it’s going to somehow affect a magical spell.

MARISHA: Sure.

LIAM: You’ve got this, Waffle.

BRIAN: (singing) You came in like a hacker bear.

TALIESIN: Yeah! Double two.

MARISHA: As you’re hacking, you get a waft of air from one of the vents off to the side, and it brings you back to the pipes in the tunnels, and in your cracked-out state, you somehow connect to the mainframe, and it takes you through, and you see the tavern, and you see two people passed out drunk, and you go through into the first room, and you see a few tripwires that seem to be strung out across the long hallway, and then you go into the last room, and you see three pedestals, with a bunch of honey stacked onto these pedestals. It’s very dimly lit, but you recognize the shape of fucking honey barrels.

TALIESIN: Motherfucking honey barrels.

LIAM: Barrels? Did you say barrels?

TALIESIN: We hit the mother lode.

BRIAN: I don’t know if I have room on the cart for all of this.

MARISHA: You go back, and you see Matrix code go in front of you, and lights fly by.

LIAM: Some people see zeros and ones, but all I see is honeybees and salmon.

(laughter)

MARISHA: You see a bunch of worker bees in a hex pattern that looks code-y. It’s a little green, a little black, like DOS.

TALIESIN: I’m starting to believe!

MARISHA: The rest of you see Waffle get a little nosebleed.

MATT: Waffle. Waffle!

MARISHA: As you snap back, you look, and you saw one guard walk by in the town square entrance. About 30 seconds, same guard walks by.

SAM: It’s on a loop.

TALIESIN: We’re clear.

LIAM: Waffle’s going to fight Sugarcone!

MARISHA: It seems, through whatever magic that you have tapped into, you have been a little touched by the security cam. Security hacking.

TALIESIN: What?! Wow. This is insane.

MARISHA: You have to be able to see the honey.

TALIESIN: No, I get it. This will definitely not come in useful at all. This is useless and dumb, and I can’t wait to do it.

MARISHA: He comes back, and Waffle’s got a little gloss to his eyes. A little bit of a green glow crosses them.

TALIESIN: Ready for an Eggo Waffle. I’ve upgraded to Eggo.

BRIAN: You look more Belgian to me.

LIAM: You all right, brother bear?

TALIESIN: Never better.

SAM: How do we get down there, or wherever we’ve got to go?

TALIESIN: That I can’t tell you, but I bought us some time.

BRIAN: Why is your voice so lame now?

SAM: I’m sorry.

MATT: (laughs) Hey, Peddy? Which one of these rooms has the tree outside of it?

SAM: It was the one on the left, which is the first one that he went to. The empty one.

MATT: All right, we’ll follow Vegas. Lead us to the tree. We’ll climb down and go around to the inside of the tavern.

MARISHA: That’s good, because right as you walk out onto the balcony, you see that guard who was walking through that you captured on your loop start walking around, going, “Hey, boss? Boss, you here?”

MATT: Hey, Peddy? Take him out.

SAM: Where is he? He’s down below us?

MARISHA: He’s walking under the balcony, looking like he’s going to go around that alleyway, up to that door.

LIAM: Peddy, teabag that motherfucker.

SAM: I’m muscle, but I’m not aerodynamic. I climb up bamboo, I don’t–

LIAM: I boot him out the window.

SAM: (screams)

MARISHA: Roll for criminal aim, as you try to time pushing Peddy Tuxpin.

LIAM: Come on, don’t fuck me. One. Yeah.

MARISHA: You accurately, with great precision, teabag this poor guard and fall right on top of him. He’s not dead; he’s definitely unconscious, though.

TALIESIN: The last thing he saw before going unconscious were panda testicles at full speed. As he screams–

MATT: A giant tanuki flash.

MARISHA: He quite literally does not know what hit him.

BRIAN: Next week’s Wyrmwood giveaway is “pandasack.” That is the new keyword.

MATT: It is. Boom.

BRIAN: Write that down, Max.

SAM: Ugh, I landed on my nuts!

BRIAN: Wasn’t that the idea?

MATT: Good job, Peddy! All right, everyone. Down the tree. Come on.

LIAM: Another dose of high art from Critical Role.

TALIESIN: That’s the most useful panda testicles have been in a long time. I’m just going to point that out.

MARISHA: (giggles) You quickly and as swiftly as you can– for a group of bears– climb down the tree and dart and make your way into the front room.

SAM: I’ve got my stick. What do you want me to do?

MATT: Make sure you don’t leave it behind. Might be handy.

SAM: I’ve got it. What do we do with this body? Someone’s going to see it!

MARISHA: You get the Flyer, get it in. You are now into the front tavern bar room of the Sun Kissed Inn.

MATT: A valid point. The body of the guy who’s unconscious that he just crushed. I pick up the body and look for the window of the balcony we were just jumping down from and try and ragdoll him up into it. (laughing) Arms and legs out.

LIAM: Full-on Red Dead Redemption.

MARISHA: Bear? I guess? I don’t know.

BRIAN: That’s totally something a bear would do. Flinging a man through a window?

MATT: That was a six.

LIAM: His twisted pretzel body goes two miles, floating five feet above the ground.

MARISHA: You miss, and it goes and lands on the roof of the storage room next door.

MATT: Close enough.

(laughter)

MARISHA: It’s not the most immediately visible thing.

TALIESIN: No one looks up.

MATT: It’s fine. Sweet dreams. Goes back to catch up with them in the tavern.

BRIAN: He won’t remember that.

MARISHA: You all are in the front room of the tavern. It’s the late afternoon. There’s no one in the tavern, anyway, especially now. There’s one really old guy passed out in the front right-hand corner. Seems like he’s been there probably since last night. You hear a commotion and clanking of pots and pans of chefs and workers in the back, in the kitchen, getting things ready for the evening, anticipating it will probably be a busy day in the Hazel Festival.

TALIESIN: Do I smell honey in the kitchen?

MARISHA: Yeah.

SAM: There’s honey everywhere in this town.

MARISHA: There is honey in there.

MATT: You, with the strange crazy eyes. Do you have any idea where the cellar is here in the inn?

MARISHA: It is drowned out by the smell of a stockroom of honey that is coming from the back left-hand corner of the tavern, which is the entrance to the pantry into the cellar. Guarding that front initial doorway into the pantry, which leads into the bottom cellar, is, with a pint in his hand, a passed-out Grog.

SAM: Grog Strongjaw?

MARISHA: Grog.

TALIESIN: The Grog Strongjaw, of the Northampton Strongjaws? I don’t know why I went there.

MARISHA: The Herd. Technically of the Emon Strongjaws?

LIAM: If one of us bears made a history check, would we know who the fuck this guy is?

TALIESIN: He looks big.

MARISHA: Trinket recognizes him immediately.

SAM: I think I can– excuse me, this is clearly a panda bear. He’s a skinnier version of me. He’s black and white. And I will go talk to him in Panda, and I will sort this all out.

MATT: While you’re both probably on par intellectually, I don’t know if that’s going to end as–

SAM: He’s furry. He’s got a little fur. He’s black and white. He’s my people.

MATT: Is he right in front of the door to the pantry?

MARISHA: There’s the bar, there’s a door that goes into the pantry, and then there’s a little booth and bar tables right off to the left of the door. Looks like he was placed there, probably told to watch out for people coming in and out of the pantry, and proceeded to drink a lot and pass out instead. He’s in a little chair, propped up at a bar table right to the left of the entrance, snoring loudly. No what?

BRIAN: There’s cards?

MARISHA: Cards? Oh!

MATT: We’re going to keep this as plan C. Plan A: quietly make our way past.

TALIESIN: Quick question: which plan comes first? Is it plan A or plan C?

MATT: Brains?

LIAM: I’m going to roll a d6, and I’ll tell you. Plan D comes first.

TALIESIN: That makes sense.

SAM: Why does no one value my opinions here? I feel like I’m offering good ideas–

BRIAN: When we need you to push something over, to dip your balls in something–

SAM: I feel like I’m thinking outside the box here, and no one’s taking me seriously.

LIAM: Peddy, you don’t make friends with salad. No offense. Trinket, this is your home turf. I will follow your lead–

TALIESIN: I don’t know what that means!

MARISHA: I don’t, either!

BRIAN: Vegetarian joke.

LIAM: He’s a vegetarian. All he eats is bamboo. No one’s going to respect that in the bear community.

BRIAN: While they’re doing this, I would like to go right outside the tavern and see if I can secure for us a getaway vehicle. Some type of mode of transportation, faster than a de Rolo Roller.

MARISHA: Sure. As you peek out, there’s a few abandoned vegetable carts. People that were there to sell their goods and their wares for the festival. There’s one that looks like it was a pull-behind churro cart. And there is one cart that still has a horse attached to it that looks like at this point, he’s eating all of the vegetables that are completely unattended right now, due to the pandemonium.

BRIAN: So there’s no one around it? I will go secure that cart and bring it to the entrance of the tavern.

MARISHA: Okay. How would you like to do that?

BRIAN: Am I still dressed up as a fucking awesome-looking guy? Like a young Jason Charles Miller?

MARISHA: Yeah. You totally look like a young Jason Charles Miller.

TALIESIN: Does that mean that a young Jason Charles Miller looks like a honey badger in a cowboy hat?

BRIAN: It sure does.

LIAM: I’m picturing a furry Great American Hero.

BRIAN: Yes! So I will cross the thoroughfare as suavely and slovenly as I can, and then I will approach the cart from the back so as not to frighten the horse.

MARISHA: Okay. You see the same guard that was walking by is currently pounding on the door. You can hear him. On the door that you guys came from that led up to the security room. You can hear him going, “Chief? Boss man? Hello?”

BRIAN: How far away from me is he?

MARISHA: The guy? He’s far enough away. He’s not paying any attention to you right now.

BRIAN: Does it look like he wants to go in there?

MARISHA: He’s trying to get in, yeah.

BRIAN: All right. I’m going to go try to cut his throat.

SAM: With what? With your claws?

BRIAN: I’m a fucking honey badger, bro. I’m going to try to go from behind and silence him. Yeah, man, put him in the cement boots.

MARISHA: That’s fucking awesome. Roll for carnage. You get advantage.

BRIAN: Success.

MARISHA: Without any hesitation, he doesn’t even know what came.

BRIAN: The honey’s for me and my friends.

MARISHA: A theatrical amount of blood sprays on the door in front, and he slowly drops, smears down against the wall. He’s dead.

BRIAN: Oh shit, he’s dead?

MARISHA: He’s definitely dead.

BRIAN: On the wall in the blood, I write, Welcome to fabulous Las Vegas.

(laughter)

MARISHA: Roll for criminal.

BRIAN: Again? Success.

MARISHA: You get a point from bear into criminal, for sure.

LIAM: My criminal mastermind brain tells me that this is your turf, Trink. I want to follow your lead. I see recognition in your eyes. You don’t like this guy. What do we do?

MATT: No, I like the guy a lot, actually, but he might like destroying you too much. We’ve got to sneak past. Stay nice and quiet-like. Small guy can probably get by fine when he catches up, but we’ve got to quietly make our way.

TALIESIN: Is it a door or a gate? Can we see past?

MARISHA: You know those stockrooms, how you have an open half-door? You can see that there’s a walk-in pantry, and through the walk-in pantry, there’s a little cellar door. Wooden. It’s got a circular dowel rod across it.

TALIESIN: I can’t see any honey?

MARISHA: No, but you know it’s through that door.

TALIESIN: I’ve got an idea.

SAM: I’ve got an idea. That dowel rod looks like bamboo. I’m going to eat it!

TALIESIN: You’ve got a tiny bottle of honey.

MARISHA: You can also smell a little bit of honey coming from the pantry room, as well. Not a lot.

TALIESIN: You’ve got a tiny bottle of honey, right? Wasn’t someone given a teeny-tiny bit of honey?

SAM: He’s got armpit honey.

BRIAN: I’ve got it, but I’m not there yet. But after I so beautifully and poetically murdered that man in the street, can I move the cart to the front of the tavern and rejoin them?

MARISHA: You can go over and take a little bit of time, get some leftover vegetables, and lead the horse, pulling the cart. These guys are figuring this out while you’re doing that.

MATT: I pull out a palm-full of pit honey that’s been smeared into my matted fur. I’ve got this.

TALIESIN: It’ll do. I’m going to look around. Are there cups or something around?

MARISHA: Yeah, there’s a few, and there’s a couple of empty pint glasses on Grog’s table.

TALIESIN: I put a little bit of the honey into the empty pint.

MARISHA: (snores) “Yes, I am the Grand Poobah.”

TALIESIN: I’m going to try and toss the cup past Grog into the pantry.

SAM: To wake him up?

TALIESIN: Quietly.

MARISHA: You want to wake him up?

TALIESIN: No, I want to throw the cup into the pantry. Will that wake him up?

MARISHA: Okay, you throw a cup. (crash, snorts) “That’s my ale.”

TALIESIN: I’m going to stare at the cup I just threw.

MARISHA: About this time, Waffle gets another little nosebleed. Roll for it.

TALIESIN: I don’t get advantage, I just have to roll for it, right?

LIAM: Come on, Bear Eleven.

TALIESIN: One.

MARISHA: You see Waffle go, (sparking) and in a hex techy-looking glow, he goes, (zap) and teleports to the broken honey.

LIAM: In the pantry?

MARISHA: In the pantry.

MATT: All right, my turn. I focus really hard on the broken honey–

SAM: No, you need a nosebleed. I hit him in the nose.

MATT: That’s good. (straining)

SAM: More blood!

MATT: Okay.

MARISHA: You go (boop) and squeeze out a little turd.

SAM: Hey, you teleported that turd to the floor.

MARISHA: As you get a little aggravated, you take a point in bear.

TALIESIN: I’m going to start figuring out if I can open this pantry door. I’m quietly working the pantry door to try and get downstairs.

MARISHA: It’s got a thick dowel rod across it, and it’s got a chain on top of that, wrapping it up for extra security.

TALIESIN: I didn’t think much past this.

LIAM: Hold on, I’ve got this. I’m going to pick this chain’s lock.

MATT: We haven’t walked past Grog yet, but you know what? Our conversation hasn’t woken him up yet, and the breaking glass didn’t wake him up. Let’s just walk through the room. He’s pretty drunk. All right, let’s do that.

MARISHA: Yeah, make a stealthy…

MATT: Because I’m a thief, could I consider that as a skill?

TALIESIN: Considering that bears can have very stealthy picnics–

MARISHA: Let’s make this a criminal roll. You’re criminally trying to sneak past Grog.

LIAM: Welcome to Criminal Roll!

MATT: Can I use my thief role to be stealthy?

MARISHA: Yeah. I’ll allow it.

SAM: On the way past, I’m going to look and see if Grog has anything else on him that we can see or take or use.

MARISHA: He does actually appear to be wearing some sunglasses. Yeah. It seems a little odd. They look like they were maybe festival glasses. They’re half hanging off his face right now.

SAM: I’ll see if I can take them.

MARISHA: Okay, roll a criminal check.

SAM: Super fail.

BRIAN and MATT: (singing) Super fail, super fail.

MATT: (singing) He super fucked up.

MARISHA: As you get the glasses off his face, he goes, “Oh shit. It’s a fuzzy goliath!” And gets up.

SAM: I growl at him. (roars)

MARISHA: (roars) He growls back.

SAM and MARISHA: (roar)

MARISHA: “You want to wrestle?”

SAM: Yeah!

MARISHA: He’s drunk, and he takes a big swing at you.

SAM: I swing back.

MARISHA: Okay, roll a muscle roll. Roll with advantage.

SAM: Fail. Success!

MARISHA: You successfully wrestle Grog. He’s pretty drunk. He’s not too hard to get to the ground. He’s now on his back, squirming.

SAM: I speak to him in Panda: pan pan pan-pan. Pan pan pan pan? Pan pan da da da, pa-pa-pan pan dan. Panda.

MARISHA: “Yes, I am Grand Poobah de Boink de Boink!”

SAM: Panda?

MARISHA: “You Poobah, too?”

SAM: Panda!

MARISHA: “Oh, brother!”

(fake sobbing)

LIAM: Cookie is picking the fuck out of the lock, right now!

MARISHA: Try to pick the lock.

LIAM: Diddly-diddly-do! That is a fail.

BRIAN: How is my progress of leading a horse across the street, slowly, by luring him with vegetables?

MARISHA: Pretty good. I’d say by this point, you open the door to see Peddy on top of another guy that looks kind of like a panda, and you’re not sure if it’s bad or good.

LIAM: Marisha, what does the flashback do? If I tell a flashback, it fixes that?

MARISHA: If you tell a flashback, you get to gain a point into criminal.

LIAM: And then roll again?

MATT: No, it just adjusts your skill points. You still fail the roll.

LIAM: All right.

TALIESIN: I’ve got a plan to get us in this door.

MATT: What, are you having a problem again trying to get into a place with a lock? Like I said, the lady who raised me, she’s pretty good at picking this stuff, too. In fact– and I reach over and grab one of the little side bags they usually tie to me to carry stuff, and I pull out one of the lockpicks that Vex keeps stored on my side as a backup. And with my dexterous thief Trinket giant bear paws, try and maneuver these tiny little–

LIAM: Thin as a blade of grass.

MATT: It’s like trying to hold a cup with boxing gloves on. (grunts)

MARISHA: Countless hours, you have practiced in the middle of the night, just trying to learn how to pick a lock. Prove to us, Trinket, that you can.

MATT: Yes!

MARISHA: (clang) The whole thing snaps from the inside, because you’re a bear, but it successfully goes (creak).

MATT: What did I tell you? Mommy taught me good.

MARISHA: About this time, Grog goes, “Poobah, I missed you so–” (snores) and passes back out.

SAM: I put his sunglasses back on and pat him on the head.

MARISHA: All right. You do get an interesting essence from the sunglasses.

SAM: Oh? Do they have the same essence as the stick, or something similar?

LIAM: Put them on your face, Peddy.

SAM: All right, I’ll take them and put them on. Try them on once. (giggles) Nice. I’m going to try them on once. What do I see?

MARISHA: You look awesome. You see a bar, you see a tavern, and then right as you look past the cellar: holy shit, you can see past that cellar door! You see tripwires!

SAM: What?

LIAM: Peddy, what are you doing?

SAM: I put on these human glasses, and I can see through walls.

BRIAN: And all you had to do was dry-hump that guy to get them?

SAM: I was not dry-humping him!

BRIAN: It looked like you were dry-humping him when I walked in here.

LIAM: You can now, if you choose to.

SAM: Dry-hump him? No.

MARISHA: You turn and look over your shoulder outside, out through the tavern exit, and you see a dwarf-sized woman turn and swing open the door of the tavern.

TALIESIN: We’ve got to move.

MARISHA: “Hey! I see you.”

LIAM: Nobody move.

SAM: Humans can’t see movement.

MARISHA: “I can see you, and I can understand what you’re saying.”

MATT: Wait, what?

BRIAN: But I didn’t say anything.

TALIESIN: What number am I thinking of?

MARISHA: “I can hear you. I can’t–”

TALIESIN: She can’t hear us; it’s fine.

SAM: Wait, humans can’t see movement, but dwarves can, I guess.

MARISHA: “That’s not– okay, what are you all doing, all right?”

MATT: I go over. Do these still look functional?

MARISHA: “Where did you– wait a second.”

MATT: Do I recognize this?

MARISHA: You do. This is Tova, the werebear.

MATT: (moans)

MARISHA: “Okay. All right, big guy. All right.”

LIAM: This is two years after the Chroma Conclave? She lived!

MARISHA: This is the first time that you’re seeing her.

MATT: The only reason was because of that ring.

LIAM: (cheers)

MARISHA: She’s wearing a nice slick suit. It’s very good. It’s very clean-cut. Looks like she’s got a nice festive pin.

BRIAN: Is it all denim?

MARISHA: No, it’s a nice wool. It’s good.

MATT: You look good, Tova. Snazzy.

MARISHA: “You look good, too, Trinket. What do you think you’re doing?”

MATT: It’s a celebration in the city. We’re celebrating.

MARISHA: “I heard rumor that there’s a bunch of bears running around. Of course it’s Vex’s dumb bear.”

MATT: Hey!

MARISHA: “Well, look. What kind of trouble are you getting into? You guys are going for the honey.”

MATT: I mean, that’s absurd. I’m offended, personally.

BRIAN: To judge without any evidence.

MATT: Do you want a cut?

LIAM: Yeah, but just pretend like we were. Do you want in?

MARISHA: “Do I want– (laughs) All right. You all clearly don’t know who you’re talking to and who you’re getting involved with.”

BRIAN: You just walked in five seconds ago.

MATT: I barely know you. We flirted in battle once, and then you went away.

MARISHA: “All right, look! I am part of a super-secret society that is dedicated to protecting bears all across Tal'Dorei. One of the most decorated members. It’s called the High Bear Nation, all right? It’s not bad, right? We take honey and other fruits and vegetables, steal them from people who don’t really need them, and make sure that bear families across all of Tal'Dorei are taken care of and never go without honey. Every year, this stupid Hazel Festival that they always make me work security for, I decided I’m going to take all this leftover food that all these people always end up with: I’m going to take it for High Bear Nation. Give it to the bears who truly need it.”

SAM: Wait a second, you’re going to take all this honey and give it away?

BRIAN: Give it away to a bunch of people that are too lazy to get jobs?

LIAM: Don’t we look needy?

MARISHA: “No, look. These are needy people, and the High Bear Nation takes care of all of us, all right? I will get plenty of honey out of this.”

MATT: All right, Beary Sanders. That honey is for us and us alone. We’ve earned that, okay? I don’t want bears that haven’t earned it getting a piece of what we’ve made.

LIAM: Yeah, are you pulling our legs? What is this, a gingerhazing?

MARISHA: “You all put in work for this? I don’t think you guys understand. I was part of the planning committee to make sure that the security was all right. So here’s the deal, since you all seem to have gotten pretty far. The whole town’s out looking for you; I can easily call one of the guards, turn you all in right now. Or you help me out. I could use extra hands to carry out some of this honey. You’ll get your own little cut, and you’ll all become members of the High Bear Nation.”

SAM: What kind of cut are you talking about here?

MARISHA: “Enough to last you for a while. I know how much honey is in there.”

SAM: 50-50? 40-40? 30-30?

MARISHA: “That’s not how–”

SAM: I’m not the brains of the operation.

(laughter)

MARISHA: “A good hogshead’s worth for each of you. How’s that sound?”

BRIAN: Listen, from one extremely high bear to another–

(laughter)

BRIAN: Can you guarantee safe passage, should we choose to work with you in this endeavor?

SAM: It’s always Bear-20 somewhere.

(snickering)

BRIAN: Oh, my makeup’s running, and I didn’t even put any on.

MATT: Can you give us a minute to talk amongst ourselves, privately?

MARISHA: “All right.”

MATT: All right. Bears, huddle up.

BRIAN: I think she likes me for sure.

MATT: All right, what are our thoughts on this. Do we want to share with her? We put all the work in. It’s not a lot of honey. We barely found that off your–

LIAM: We already got a hogshead of honey in his hat.

MATT: That’ll last a meal. I don’t think she understands how hungry we are.

BRIAN: Yeah, and that one’s big.

MATT: That one only eats bamboo.

BRIAN: Yeah, but should he switch and start to eat honey, he could consume much of it.

SAM: I don’t really care about the honey one way or the other. Honestly, I’m fine just eating bamboo, but I do feel like we put in the effort. This is our heist. It’s not hers. If she wants to get cut in, we could give her maybe a thousand percent. I don’t know numbers, but a small amount.

MATT: I could always say, there’s five of us and one of her. If she helps us make our way in there–

BRIAN: I cut her throat–

MATT: Trust me, I’ve seen a lot of battles, and I haven’t fallen in a single one.

(laughter)

MATT: We can take her, no problem. We leave her tied up. Leave her a little hogshead of honey she can take back to her bear friends, and then we walk away scot-free.

SAM: As a vegan, I’m going to protest that we not harm any living creatures.

MATT: Not harm, just knock unconscious and tie up, like you’ve done to every other thing we’ve come across.

SAM: That’s okay. That is not harm. But heavens forbid we actually kill a human being on this adventure.

MATT: Oh god, no. Unless they’re evil or an asshole or hurt my mom.

BRIAN: I did kill a human person, though.

SAM: Can you flash us back to that incident?

BRIAN: Well, it was 24 minutes ago, and I slit the throat of an innocent douchebag who was knocking too loud.

SAM: Why would you kill an innocent person?

BRIAN: He nearly discovered all of you, and I killed him.

SAM: I can’t believe you. You’re heartless.

BRIAN: I do what it takes. Everything I do, I do it for the squad. Oh my god.

MARISHA: You get to put a point back into criminal for that. From bear to criminal.

BRIAN: Me?

MATT: Are we agreed? Move forward as the squad, tag her along, and then when all’s said and done, leave her behind with a bit of honey, and we move away with the lion’s share.

TALIESIN: Works for me.

MATT: All right, break! Tova, you’ve got yourself a deal.

MARISHA: “Yeah? You an honest bear?”

MATT: Do I look like an honest bear?

MARISHA: “No.”

BRIAN: Do I look like an honest bear?

MARISHA: “You look like a honey badger.”

MATT: All right.

MARISHA: “Here’s the deal: we’re going to go through these doors. There’s going to be three tripwires. That’s what they’re called: tripwires. There’s also going to be a security cam in here. We want to be careful. They’re watching us.”

SAM: They’re not watching us anymore.

TALIESIN: We’ve already taken care of the security camera.

MARISHA: “Wow, that’s pretty impressive. All right, you guys are pretty good criminal bears. All right, these tripwires, though. Anyone good at disarming? Yeah, we’ll figure it out when we get in. Let’s go.” You throw open the door and see a long hallway. Three haphazardly across the hall tripwires. They’re long, cylindrical, glowing a bit green. You take a little bit of dust, Liam Las Vegas, and they show up a little bit better, then they go back to their dull, transparent look, like fishing wire.

BRIAN: I don’t like this one bit.

MATT: Does this look like the kind of thing that a thief-trained bear who has seen thieves do their work would have an inkling of how to disable it?

MARISHA: You can certainly try.

BRIAN: That sounds so familiar.

MARISHA: I tried to think up bear puns for all of our sayings, and I couldn’t find any natural ones.

MATT: The internet will barrage us with them when we’re done.

BRIAN: There’s going to be a lot, yeah.

TALIESIN: There will be nothing on Twitter other than bear puns.

MATT: I go back into the bag of thieves’ tools left over from Vex and pull out what I think might work. I take a look at the mechanisms for the trip wire. Two and a one.

MARISHA: Nice. Okay, you go up to the first one, and you see an energy box off to the side. It’s got a washer keeping it closed. You tilt that to the side, see the mechanical mechanism on the inside. (pop)

MATT: I turn around with a big goofy smile.

MARISHA: You got through tripwire one. Two more to go.

LIAM: Arcane magic dispelled.

MATT: Anyone have anything else they could help me with on this?

SAM: I can grow a tree.

LIAM: Hold on. I walk up to it carefully, gingerly, slowly. I piddle on it.

MARISHA: (sizzling)

TALIESIN: That’s some hot pee, man.

LIAM: Nothing? I piddle on it again.

MARISHA: (weak sizzling)

LIAM: I really thought that would work.

SAM: Can’t you hack this?

TALIESIN: I don’t know. It looks a little weird. I can try and hack it.

MARISHA: You can try and hack it.

TALIESIN: I’m going to try and hack one.

MARISHA: All right, roll two.

MATT: Don’t hack! You’re going to be hacking an actual tripwire.

TALIESIN: One.

MARISHA: It’s got a little box. You go in. Instead of messing with the mechanical trip wire, you see almost a microchip on the inside.

TALIESIN: Can I find an off switch and click it?

MARISHA: You touch it, and it goes (zap).

TALIESIN: Hacked it.

SAM: Wow.

MARISHA: One more.

MATT: All right, I’ll try for the third one. Get behind me. If anything goes bad, tell Vex I love her.

BRIAN: But if it goes right, do the grin. We like that.

SAM: Who’s Vax?

LIAM: Or Vex?

BRIAN: Who’s Vax?

SAM: No, he said Vax. I think he wants us to tell Vax–

BRIAN: We’ll tell Vax that you love her.

MATT: Three.

MARISHA: All right. You and you take points in criminal.

MATT: I turn around and look at the group with a terrible happy-bear smile.

BRIAN: Yeah.

MARISHA: Tova’s like, “All right. Good work.” You get down to the other end of the hall.

SAM: As we walk, I’m going to whisper to– what’s his name?

LIAM and TALIESIN: Cookie.

SAM: Hey, Cookie. I’m getting a bad feeling about this Tova chick. Think she’s going to double-cross us?

LIAM: You’ve got to prepare for the worst, my friend. I need you to be ready. If she makes a move, you’re sitting on her. She doesn’t breathe. She’s breathing in black-and-white ass hair. Your ass hair. I need you to be ready.

SAM: All right. What’s the signal? I need signals.

LIAM: Steveland Cleamer.

SAM: Steveland Cleamer?

LIAM: Steveland Cleamer.

SAM: Nice and cleaned.

BRIAN: No, not that. Remember the picture you drew last time.

LIAM: Let’s bring it home.

TALIESIN: Let’s see the spoils of our work.

MATT: What happens with the tripwires?

MARISHA: You get to the other end of the hall, unharmed by a swarm of bees. That’s what would have happened if you would’ve tripped them.

BRIAN: We would’ve given them that honey, that’s for sure.

MARISHA: You get to the other end of the hall, and there’s a hex-shaped door that’s closed in front, and right off to the right of it is a large pedestal made out of bluish marble, and there’s a recess in the middle of this pedestal, making a bowl. There are also four little baskets on either side.

LIAM: Are there any Skittles in it?

MARISHA: No.

SAM: Any honey?

MATT: Wait, remember that piece of paper that we got from that guy earlier?

BRIAN: Buford. Bloomford.

MATT: Sure.

LIAM: Honestly, I’m only thinking about honey.

TALIESIN: It’s really about honey.

MATT: I can’t read. Tova?

MARISHA: “Okay. Yeah, sure.”

SAM: Wait, are we sure we want to share this with her?

MATT: She’s a partner in this. She’s getting an equal– she’s getting all the share we promised her.

MARISHA: “I already know what it is. I helped them to design it. I just don’t know the actual code they ended up going with. Here, look.” She goes over to it, and she passes her hand over it, and it goes (buzzing) and starts glowing, and then holographic fish appear in the center of it.

LIAM: Madness coming out.

SAM: What is this?

TALIESIN: Oh my god. What is wrong with you?!

BRIAN: This is the greatest thing I’ve ever seen in my life.

SAM: Do we need these?

MARISHA: You will.

MATT: All right, should I read this out loud?

MARISHA: Yeah.

MATT: Via Tova reading this to me.

MARISHA: Yeah, I help him sound it out.

SAM: You guys have to share one.

TALIESIN: Yeah, I’m into it.

MATT: Here, you guys should do this. You’re the brains.

BRIAN: Matt and I will share this one.

MATT: 'Green, pink, orange, and yellow. Not every fish is a friendly fellow. Green is mean and pink stinks. Yellow is mellow, but orange is– orange is– screw it. That Hazel Festival committeewoman can go to hell. I’m not a fucking riddle writer. Here’s the code: orange is the best color, so put one orange fish in each basket, except for two in the pink. Heh, that one was my idea.’

(laughter)

MATT: 'Then the stupid, expensive– ’ I’m so proud I married you.

BRIAN: Hell yeah.

MATT: 'Then the stupid, expensive door should open. Don’t know why we’re spending this much to lock up a few jars of honey, anyway. Signed, Buford T. Justice, head of security.’

MARISHA: As you say this, Tova puts her hand over again.

(electronic song in Korean)

LIAM: An orange in each, except for two in the pink, right?

MATT: An orange in each, except for two in the pink.

MARISHA: Wait! Someone has to wear the bear hands, because I made them get them, so it’s even funnier.

MATT: Taliesin, I think you should only get them if you have the bear hands on.

MARISHA: One at a time. You’ve got to have the bear hands.

MATT: An orange in each basket.

LIAM: And two in the pink.

BRIAN: You’ve got it!

MARISHA: Yay!

BRIAN: An orange in each…

TALIESIN: What the hell are they singing?

MARISHA: I got it from South Korea.

SAM: Any guards coming?

MARISHA: No. No guards.

SAM: We have unlimited time?

MARISHA: He looped the footage. He did pretty good.

LIAM: Two oranges in the pink and one in every other one.

BRIAN: Oh god. What do I need?

MARISHA: Oh! No, he’s out!

MATT: Oh god.

SAM: Oh! Las Vegas, come on! Focus!

BRIAN: I’m trying, man. I’ve got fucking bear hands.

MATT: One more orange for the pink. Is that all we need?

SAM: Come on, you damn wolverine. Get the thing!

BRIAN: I’m waiting for one to open.

MATT: Las Vegas, you can do this!

BRIAN: Goddamn, it’s not opening its mouth!

MARISHA: Okay, as you start getting irritated, you get a point in bear, Liam Las Vegas.

TALIESIN: I have never been so proud of you.

SAM: Oh, yeah. It’s the fishing rod that’s doing it.

BRIAN: This thing is warped!

TALIESIN: Why do I always get a warped one?

LIAM: Too much crystal honey in Vegas, Liam.

(groaning)

TALIESIN: You’re a disappointment to everybody.

MARISHA: Come on, Liam Las Vegas. It’s got to be orange.

LIAM: Liam, you fucking asshole!

SAM: I’m getting so frustrated that I’m going to start freaking out and hitting the doors.

MARISHA: Oh, the doors behind? Take a point in bear.

BRIAN: None of them are opening!

MATT: In the pink!

LIAM: Two in the pink!

(cheering)

MARISHA: And with that, the hex-shaped doors open up.

LIAM: You mad bastard.

BRIAN: Damn. That was hard, man.

MARISHA: And behind the doors– big mystery. Where’s the mystery? Mysterious. Yeah, that’s good. Behind the door, you see a dimly lit cellar room. A waft of cool air blasts by you. You see a few bar tables that have been tossed over; clearly left in here for storage. A few bags of grain. And in the middle, on discarded bar tables– there are three tables. The first one has a little note that says “Slayer’s Cake.” It’s got a nice couple of small half-barrels of honey. The second one says “Reginald’s daughter.” Whatever her name is. Has a note.

MATT: It might have been Amelia.

MARISHA: I think it was. Something like that. Ariana? Whatever. Third one.

MATT: The writing isn’t very good. The name begins with an A and then scribbles.

MARISHA: In scribbled red lettering, says “Victor.” And there’s so much honey in actual boar heads that’s oozing out. Some’s dripping off the side of the table, and then you follow the drip down and see more hogs’ heads, goat heads. You see a bear head. Pretty much looks like any type of head he could find, he got it and put gray, ichor-y, sulfuric-smelling honey. You see four torch sconces on the walls, lightly puttering. You follow, and you see, holy shit! Victor brought way too much fucking honey, and the entire edge of the cellar room is filled with weird heads of honey.

LIAM: Waffle, this is it. This is our father’s dream.

TALIESIN: Everything we’ve worked for.

LIAM: We have reached easy street.

TALIESIN: It’s all honey from here on out. Just honey. Everything.

MATT: How are those sconces looking?

MARISHA: Precarious.

MATT: What’s in them? Is it magical light?

MARISHA: Nope, it looks like torch sconces that they dipped in kerosene. A long-burning torch; they probably lit them when they were bringing in the honey, and then walked out.

MATT: Do any of them look viably close to dropping embers?

MARISHA: There is one that’s right over the table of Victor’s that looks like it’s a miracle it hasn’t honestly exploded yet.

TALIESIN: Let’s grab the honey and run.

BRIAN: I’ve got a cart outside waiting, with a horse and everything.

MATT: Code Sad Bear! We’ve got to move now.

TALIESIN: I’m grabbing honey.

BRIAN: Is Tova still with us?

MARISHA: Tova is. She sees the same thing. She’s a little confused as to why you’re acting this way.

MATT: I turn around to her. Tova, all this gray honey shit is explosive.

MARISHA: “What?”

MATT: I know! He’s crazy.

MARISHA: “Why? Why would you– who would do that?”

MATT: The more you try and question his motives, the more he makes you more like him. Keep going.

MARISHA: She walks over, takes a little.

MATT: I immediately take the fire staff I’ve been carrying and throw it as far as I can down the opposite hallway, away from this room.

MARISHA: “Okay, let’s go!” And she starts scooping up honey and throwing them into the Radio Flyer. De Rolo Roller.

BRIAN: Blah-blah-blah.

MATT: Actually, while this is happening, I reach over and go: Hey, Cookie. If I buy you a new hat, could I borrow yours?

LIAM: Fuck yeah.

BRIAN: (singing) If you want to see paradise…

MATT: I’m going to take the top hat and place it just over the heavy collection of Victor’s honey beneath where the sconce is.

MARISHA: Okay. Are you still wearing the sunglasses, Peddy?

SAM: Of course.

MARISHA: You get a little bit of an advantage, because at this time, you look up, and you see through the roof of the cellar very quick, shadowed movement.

SAM: Someone’s above us.

TALIESIN: We’d better move. I’m going to create a distraction. Let’s get this honey out into the cart right now.

MATT: All right, moving honey as fast as we can into the cart.

LIAM: Also, while we’re moving, I’m going to take a big fucking bite of honey on the move.

MARISHA: Put a point back into bear.

TALIESIN: I’m going to do the same, as well.

BRIAN: While they’re doing that, I’m going to move some honey onto the thing, and I’m going to wink at Tova and say: I thought I told you that we won’t stop.

MARISHA: She goes, “Smooth.” About this time, (thud) and through the floorboards from above, they splinter, and from the other side, and two bears in black gis and ninja masks fall through. Liam, you look over your shoulder. Las Vegas. And around the corner are two more bears coming in through the hall that you all just entered, too. Tova looks up, she sees them, and she goes, “Shit, it’s the Bearracuda!”

BRIAN: They’re not with you?

(groaning)

MATT: I immediately glance around. They came through the ceiling; are there any of the sconces that look close to being–

MARISHA: Yes, there’s one on the left closest to the door. Fractured and got knocked over by one of the splintering floorboards and is now swinging above all of the honey.

MATT: We can’t– and I point to the ninja bears coming our way and the ones that just entered– Handle it! And I go for the swinging sconce board to see if I can clap it out with my bear paws and put out the flame.

MARISHA: Okay, roll for bear.

BRIAN: Am I able to get the cart of honey–

MATT: Nope!

MARISHA: Unfortunately, as you try to stamp it out with the board, the other floorboard catches on fire, and now you have two flame sources.

BRIAN: Can I start trying to make it out with the de Rolo Roller to the cart? Take the honey out?

TALIESIN: I’ve got this, guys!

MARISHA: As you try to roll it out, you have two bear ninjas swiping above you. What do you do?

BRIAN: I try to run past them as fast as I can, and if one of them gets too close to me, I can try to swipe him on my way past.

MARISHA: Okay, use your nimble bear abilities as a honey badger. Straight bear roll.

BRIAN: Oh, just one?

MARISHA: Yeah.

BRIAN: That’s a fail.

MARISHA: Okay, one of them gets a good slap on you. Bounce off the wall. You get aggravated. Point into bear.

SAM: I’m going to go for one of the ninjas and attack with my strength. Panda strength.

MARISHA: Okay, roll with advantage.

SAM: That’s a success. That’s not.

MARISHA: You take the first one, and you sandwich him with your weight up against the wall. He’s trying to fight you off.

SAM: As he’s there, I hit him with the tree stick.

MARISHA: Okay, roll for criminal to use the stick.

SAM: No.

MARISHA: Okay. Unfortunately, as you’re sandwiched up against him when you try to use it, you don’t really get good leverage, so you go (bop) with a dead stick. It doesn’t really work. It’s still forcing against you.

BRIAN: Not your first time dealing with a dead stick, is it, Peddy?

MARISHA: Tova reaches in the back of her suit, and she pulls out a little throwing hammer. Throws it. Let me roll for Tova. Tries and succeeds. Hits the first ninja; it gets a little distracted. What are you guys doing? You’ve got the ninjas kind of warded off. Two more coming in from where they were after Liam Las Vegas.

BRIAN: Have they abandoned me, so I can keep going and try to get the cart outside?

MARISHA: Yeah, they’re not too distracted with you.

BRIAN: Okay, so I’m going to keep pushing the de Rolo Roller out to the thing and load the honey into the cart.

MATT: Knowing that upstairs is Grog, two people that we’ve knocked out, another drunk guy who’s passed out in the bar, and god knows who’s nearby, and the amount of Victor honey that’s in here, I’m focusing on trying to put the fires out.

MARISHA: Okay, roll again.

SAM: Are you going to pee on the fire?

MATT: Yeah. I’m one of the few that hasn’t peed, so I probably have a full tank. My paws are scalded from patting the flames out. I lean back and try and get as much of an arc as I can.

MARISHA: Okay, yeah. Roll for bear.

SAM and MATT: That’s a bear thing.

MATT: No. That’s a four.

MARISHA: Unfortunately, as you–

MATT: Performance anxiety!

TALIESIN: Are you pee shy?

MATT: Trinket apparently is pee shy.

MARISHA: You back up, and as you back up, you bump into the table of Victor’s honey, and it goes (crash) and spills flammable honey all across the floor.

MATT: Sorry!

SAM: This is not going well!

MARISHA: The other two Bearracudas come in, squaring off.

LIAM: Fuck this! Come here, you. Everybody run! And I head towards the Bearracudas.

MARISHA: Okay.

LIAM: Let’s fucking do this.

MARISHA: Roll for bear attack.

LIAM: Yes.

MARISHA: All right, you take one of them. Two big haymaker swipes. They try to block with their bear katanas and miss, and he gets two big gashes right across his face. He’s a little disoriented. You’ve got one more that’s in there. He’s pretty unattended.

TALIESIN: I have something I can do, but it’s not going to be pretty.

SAM: Let’s do it.

LIAM: Waffle, hack the system!

TALIESIN: I take the fez of honey, and I throw it at the Bearracuda.

MARISHA: Roll for bear.

TALIESIN: No.

MARISHA: No?

TALIESIN: No. I don’t know what not throwing a hat full of honey looks like.

MARISHA: You try to get a nice overhand, but it slips a little bit, and you have this weird, spiraling arc of flammable honey that goes everywhere. You do hit one of the ninjas with a decent amount of honey. Gets a little disoriented. Backs into one of the torch “sconches.” Sconces. Lights on fire.

TALIESIN: We’ve got to roll, kids.

MARISHA: (yelping) He backs up, trips, blinded by the fire, falls onto the ground. The fire starts following the spilled honey, and then suddenly, everyone: time slows down. Tova sees what happens. She turns to everyone and goes, “Run!” and takes off through the door.

TALIESIN: I teleport towards the cart.

BRIAN: I’m on the cart with the reins in my hands, ready to go. I’m out there.

MARISHA: Waffle is gone. You see the fire getting closer and closer.

SAM: I’m going to head for the door, and on my way, I’m going to grab Tova by the hair and pull her back in.

MARISHA: Oh shit!

LIAM: Are there still Bearracudas?

MARISHA: There are. One is now released free. One is on fire. The other is distracted by your scratching, and there was one that Tova was squaring off.

LIAM: But she just got pulled through the door?

MARISHA: She got pulled through the door.

LIAM: I say: I hear my father’s voice in the morning. And I dive at the remaining Bearracuda and plow them down into the flammable honey on the floor.

MARISHA: Okay, roll for bear attack. Also roll for your muscle strength, so you get advantage.

LIAM: Yeah.

SAM: Fail, fail.

MARISHA: Oh no! You knock over the last remaining free Bearracuda. He falls right into the flaming honey, immediately bursts into flames– way more than probably would actually happen. You scootch back. Roll to avoid the flame.

LIAM: Fail.

MARISHA: You do take a point into criminal for what you just did. As you back up, Peddy you see trying to bolt for the door, grabs Tova, throws her right back into you. You guys boing. So now it’s you and Tova. You’re out.

MATT: I have a question.

MARISHA: Yeah?

MATT: The trails of honey, are they heading towards the large–

MARISHA: A hundred percent. You all have a good solid four to five more seconds of slo-mo time. (whoosh) Peddy’s out! Tova’s like, “What the fuck?”

MATT: As Tova comes back and slams into Cookie, I spin around, now that I see this is my fault, and I push the back of Cookie to shove both of them back through the front doorway. I’m going to try to use whatever bear strength I have to shove them forward.

MARISHA: Okay, roll for bear.

MATT: Success.

MARISHA: You guys trip. Trinket, as you push, you turn, and you see (flame noises). And in slow motion, (explosions). You make one more bounding leap as the explosion blows you out of the cellar door.

MATT: I close my eyes and in the back of my head, go: I hope you’re within about a hundred feet of me, wherever you are, Vex.

MARISHA: You are jettisoned with the cellar door. An exploding round of fire comes barreling down the hall, burning all of the oxygen– that’s how fire works– in the room as it blasts out of the door. Everyone is safe, but there is no Trinket. Flames die down. You look in the hallway, and there, a little singed, flaming fur, with some bald spots, is Trinket.

SAM: Dead?

MARISHA: Still alive.

BRIAN: Get out here! Can I yell “get out here” at him?

MATT: Am I conscious?

MARISHA: You’re unconscious.

BRIAN: Wake up and then get out here!

MATT: Which means she’s not within a hundred feet of me, for the love of god.

SAM: I’m going to go get Trinket and drag. No bear left behind!

MATT: Are the ninjas still around?

MARISHA: The ninjas all seem to be dead.

SAM: I’m going to drag him out, lay him down. No harm will come today. Like in the Revenant, I will aggressively mouth-to-mouth. Snout-to-snout resuscitation.

MARISHA: Roll for…

BRIAN: BPR?

MARISHA: Yeah. Roll for BPR.

LIAM: Like Ed Harris in the Abyss.

MARISHA: Roll for bear. Yeah, you got it. You’re good.

SAM: (heavy breathing)

MARISHA: It’s a really odd-looking sight. No one’s sure what exactly is happening.

BRIAN: I cover the horse’s eyes.

MARISHA: Trinket, you do wake up.

SAM: Trinket, if you’d died, I would be so upset.

MATT: Confused bear. What’s going on?

MARISHA: About this time, Liam Las Vegas, you see all the guards running up the alley, coming in this direction. The Sun Kissed Tavern is up in flames right now.

BRIAN: I fucking gently and humanely encourage the–

MARISHA: You see another bald panda bear stumble out. “Oh shit.” It’s Grog. Wakes up from everything. What are you guys doing?

TALIESIN: We’re taking off with the honey.

LIAM: We’ve got to take the honey and run. Come on!

MATT: As a thank you to Peddy as I get up, I grab Peddy by the shoulders and push Peddy up onto the cart with everybody else.

MARISHA: Tova runs over. She jumps into the back of the cart. “Come on!”

LIAM: Hoppity-hop! Come on!

MARISHA: Trinket, you’re the only one. Are you on?

MATT: No. I look up and say: My family’s here. A life of crime’s not for me. You go on ahead. You’ve earned it.

SAM: We’ll never forget you.

TALIESIN: I grab a little jar of honey. Toss it down. If anyone asks, we have no idea where it came from.

BRIAN: I yell down: Tell her to fucking remember Hunter’s Mark!

(laughter)

MATT: I do, constantly.

MARISHA: With a crack of the whips, you all speed off down into an empty alleyway.

LIAM: Could’ve been beautiful, kid. Good luck!

MARISHA: Tova yells, “Trinket! I’ll remember this. You are a great High Bear.”

MATT: (moans)

MARISHA: (moans) The horse and buggy pulls off, a few rogue cabbages and vegetables falling off the end.

SAM: I turn to the other dudes and say: Listen, all this trouble for some honey. I know a place where bamboo literally grows in forests. We can go there and eat as much of it as we want. We don’t have to break in anywhere. There’s no surveillance cameras. It just grows! Come with me. It’ll be fun. We can turn over a new leaf.

BRIAN: But on the other side of that leaf, there isn’t going to be honey, and for us, it’s about the honey.

LIAM: Show me the honey.

BRIAN: Show me the honey, honey.

SAM: Tova, I’m sorry I tried to kill you.

MARISHA: “It’s all right. It happens a lot. Yeah. Y'all are all right. I’ll talk to the High Bear committee and make sure you guys don’t have any heat on your tails after this.”

LIAM: You’re sure you don’t want to come with us? See the world, sample honey?

MARISHA: “I’ve seen enough of the world. I think I’m ready for a little honey vacation.”

LIAM: What the fuck does that mean?

SAM: I honestly don’t know.

BRIAN: I think she’s talking about rehab. I think she means rehab.

MARISHA: As you all ride off into the sunset, away from Westruun, Trinket, you’re back in the flaming Sun Kissed Tavern. A bunch of guards run in, Vex and Pike among them. Vex immediately sees you. “Oh, my darling bear. Oh no! What happened?” She turns and looks at Grog. “Grog.”

MATT: I fall on the ground and go belly-up and go, (piteous moaning).

MARISHA: “Oh, buddy. Here, I got you those treats. Did you save the day? Did you? "Are you a good bear? Oh. Grog!” And that is where we will end tonight’s game.

(cheering)

BRIAN: All right!

MARISHA: That was terrifying! Oh my god.

LIAM: I wanted to break canon and take Trinket with us across the nation! Goddamn it!

MATT: Trinket wouldn’t leave.

BRIAN: We would’ve gotten some strongly worded emails.

TALIESIN: I wonder if it was Sam Elliot at the bar telling that story. “Well, Trinket had quite a time.”

BRIAN: Sometimes, there’s a bear.

MARISHA: Good work, bears.

MATT: Thank you so much for running that. Thank you, Marisha.

TALIESIN: Holy fucking shit.

MARISHA: I don’t think we fucked up canon too much. That’s all right, right?

LIAM: Fucked up canon? Tova’s alive!

MARISHA: Tova’s alive.

LIAM: Tova’s alive!

MARISHA: I hope Noelle is okay with me doing this. I meant to text her and email her about it, and I kept forgetting, so sorry, Tova.

BRIAN: I got a text that she has begun litigation against us already.

LIAM: Tova’s alive!

BRIAN: Thank you, Grant, for making an amazing game, too.

MARISHA: Yeah, for anyone who wants to play this. If you watched this and were like, “holy shit, now I want to play Honey Heist,” it’s free to download. You can download it off his website, which I believe is granthowitt.com.

LIAM: Single sheet, in very large text.

MARISHA: Yeah, it is a two-page rulebook. One page for everyone, and one page for the DM. And there is a super-secret spells list, if you are a Patreon backer.

SAM: One of the spells that I accidentally got would’ve turned one of us into secretly two bears hiding in a bear costume, and we popped out and became two bears.

MARISHA: You guys were actually supposed to find a trenchcoat at some point and get that.

TALIESIN: And get two bears in a trenchcoat?

MARISHA: Yeah, it’s two bears in a trenchcoat.

MATT: If you’re looking for extra content like that, he offers that on his Patreon.

MARISHA: On his Patreon, yeah. It should be spammed in the chat right now: patreon.com/gshowitt, I believe. But yeah, there’s a whole other optional– you can roll to have cantrips and things like that as an added dimension.

SAM: Where do they get the battle board from tonight’s game?

MARISHA: That you can get on Amazon Prime!

SAM: With that song?

MATT: You can find that theme on iTunes for download.

MARISHA: Yeah. (laughs)

(electronic song in Korean)

MARISHA: I came across this one and was like, “Shit, it says it plays a song? I don’t want anything that plays music– No, I want something that plays music.” Yeah.

BRIAN: Pineapple pen.

(laughter)

MARISHA: I tried to come up with a million codes and gave up, so that’s how that letter came out.

SAM: We’ll talk about it on Talks Machina.

BRIAN: Talks on Tuesday with Marisha and whoever else is not working.

MARISHA: And I guess we’ll see all of you guys at PAX.

SAM: Special thanks to our sponsor tonight: Marvel Puzzle Quest. Go to **B**/MarvelCrit, capital M, capital C. Make sure that they know that Critical Role sent you. And don’t forget, also, that you can battle with some of your favorite X-Men, like Rogue or Gambit. That’s all I’ve got.

MARISHA: Thank you all so much. Next week is Sam’s one-shot. We will see you all soon. Is it Thursday yet?

BRIAN: It’s still Thursday, technically. I got one! No, I didn’t. Goddamn it.

[music]

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