Critical Role Wiki

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Critical Role Wiki
Critical Role Wiki

List of Transcripts

SAM: Hi, everyone! I'm Sam Riegel! Yay! And welcome to Crash Pandas: Too Trashed Too Curious. This is a special oneshot that we're doing as a thank you and a celebration to the Critters and to the donors who have supported our awesome charity push for the Pablove Foundation. Pablove Foundation is a great organization that raises money to fund research for and support people going through childhood cancer. We have raised a butt ton of money so far, over $70,000! And by we, I mean you, the Critters out there. Please, the donations are still open, you can donate now, and should, throughout the night. You can still tag yourself in the description field with #criticalrole and be entered to win a prize. Speaking of prizes, we will be giving away a prize tonight, on this show. Probably towards the end or at the end. Blair Herter is here to help give away the prize and he's going to be playing with us in this one-shot.


BLAIR: Thank you to one person at the table.

TRAVIS: Can't promise your safety.

SAM: I'm also supposed to mention that we've revised our top goal to $75,000, a very attainable number, and if we hit that mark I will have a special fireside chat with you in the coming weeks where I'll get to wear a robe and sip wine and talk about stuff. We're less than $5,000 away. Please make it happen, even tonight.

TRAVIS: Is it going to be cheap wine?

SAM: I don't think it will be cheap wine, Travis.

TRAVIS: Then maybe we should revise that some more, then.

LIAM: Under the robe, will you freeball it?

SAM: And maybe over as well. Don't forget to donate at Huge thanks to everybody. I think that's all the announcements. Before we get into the story-- I don't think we do like, “On tonight's Critical Role!” No, we just go, right?

TRAVIS: Yep, we're just in it.

SAM: Before we start--

TRAVIS: (burps)

SAM: Nice. First thanks to Travis, Laura, Liam, Marisha, and Matt for joining me as the players of tonight's Trash Pandas game. And thanks to Grant Howitt for writing this game. He writes a lot of one-page RPGs and you can support him at Patreon. Before I get into the rules-- No, let's get into the rules. I'm going to do a quick rule primer because we got to get this going. You each have four stats: alacrity, chutzpah, ferociousness, and rotundity. Alacrity is like speed; chutzpah is like charm, charisma, carrying off schemes. Ferociousness is like strength, biting, scratching, being mean. And rotundity is like constitution. It's how steadfast you can remain in adversity thanks to your roundness. When attempting any action, you'll roll the number of d6 dice associated with one of those four stats. You get a bonus dice if the action is somehow tied to your backstory. For instance, if you want to jump from one car to another, that's alacrity. Any d6s with four or above are a success. Easy tasks take one success, medium take two, et cetera. Then there's different rules for driving a car, which we'll get into when we get there, don't want to flood you with rules. Any questions before we start, guys?

MATT: Sounds solid, you did a good job!

SAM: A few caveats.

TRAVIS: Are we rolling?

SAM: We are rolling. A few caveats before we begin. Number one, I don't know anything about cars, or racing, or engines, or wheels. Anything that I describe about a car will be wrong. Number two, I've never played this game before. None of us have. I really don't understand the rules, because they're written by a British man, I think? You know, because the word tire was spelled T-Y-R-E. Took me a while to figure out what that was.

LIAM: You would still like everybody watching to tweet you the correct terminology for everything?

SAM: Please. The rules tonight are going to be a little bit bendy, so just be prepared for that. Blair's here, and he's excited to play with us, but he'll be in a little later. So let's just get into the story, shall we?

MARISHA: I've never played a Sam game!

LAURA: I don't even know how to use our starting equipment.

SAM: Also, by the way, if you're not familiar, the game is about car racing in Los Angeles and everyone's playing a raccoon. Great!

MATT: There you go, you got this!

SAM: I'll set the scene. Prologue: To Dumpster Dive in LA. Silver Lake, California, home to hot yoga studios, pretentious coffee shops, raw vegan juice bars, unironic penny farthing bikes, and vermin. That's you, five mangy raccoons scraping out an existence with your opposable thumbs. But the Silver Lake dump's trash supply is drying up! Too many hipsters are recycling, or worse, composting their scraps for their urban gardens. Freegans and hobos grab the best stuff for themselves, avant garde artists take what they need for their political art statements, and the rats! Don't even get me started on the rats! Some raccoons have moved away, starved, or have started pretending to be house cats. Bottom line: times are tough. You need a source of yummy trash or you'll die. You've heard about an illegal street racing circuit called the Racing on Dangerous Extreme Nighttime Terrain, or R.O.D.E.N.T., circuit. It's a deadly, ironically humans-only, street-racing competition with obstacles, traps, and danger held once a year, where the winner gets a cash prize, useless; a trophy, also useless; and access to the coveted turf: the parking lots of the Staples Center after closing time. This is the best street-racing turf in LA. Unguarded multi-level parking structures with long strips of pavement! But more important to you guys, it's home to 22 jumbo-size stadium dumpsters, with all the old hot dogs, stale beer, and half-eaten churros you could want. It's a raccoon's trash dream, and it could set you and the crew up for the next year. Scene One: A Dry River Runs Through It. It's a calm summer evening, dusk. The five of you have gathered on the dried-out cement banks of the LA River. Taggers cover the place in graffiti. You've been told that there's going to be a qualifying race here tonight, a high-octane battle of guts and speed. Maybe there's a way for you to enter and move on to the big show, the R.O.D.E.N.T. circuit championship. Sure, you want that food, but you've all got your own reasons for being here. In fact, why don't you describe yourselves and tell us a little bit about why you're here. Maybe we'll start with Matt because he is the best at this.

MATT: Hi there folks, my name is Reggie Burns. Don't mind the scar and the hand cast. You know, it's been a crazy month, things have been a little nuts. You know, just looking to make some scrap out here. Got to feed that-- you know, make sure we're on the level. Anyway! Just hoping to find some good partners out here and get some good racing on. You all look like a fun bunch.

SAM: He's a skittish raccoon with his arm in a cast. Next, we'll go to Marisha. Tell us about your raccoon.

MARISHA: Hello, I'm Rhinestone! I'm here because I just feel like street-racing is really great to expand your social media presence, and I'm pretty good on Animalgram. You may recognize me from there. I have purple hair that I dye with thrown-out Slurpee syrup behind the 7-Eleven. More importantly, I'm the sweetest because I've been captured the most by animal control, and I'm really nice around people. Just a really big people raccoon, and I'm here because I'm trying to find my father. We were separated. Never met him.

TRAVIS: Heavy.

MARISHA: And I just feel like street-racing would be a good way, if I could get my face out there more, maybe my dad would find me, and also maybe I'd get sponsored. But maybe my dad would find me!

TRAVIS: Are those your real eyelashes?

MARISHA: Oh no, these are glued on. Yeah. Thank you.

SAM: You can see she snaps a few selfies with her cell phone.

MARISHA: We should all group together! Do any of you guys have a following? Anybody? Never mind.

MATT: Actually, if you guys could just not get me in any photos? It's a law thing. Continue.

SAM: Next up, Liam, why don't you introduce us to your raccoon character.

LIAM: Hello, my name is Ringo. I'm a raccoon accountant and I don't even want to be here. My cousin Scraps got mixed up in the humans' racing world, crossed the champ. He's dead now. Tried to get him out of town, tried to put money in his hand and send him on his way. He didn't listen, he didn't go fast enough, and now he's dead. I'm here to assemble a team. I'm going to run that motherfucker off the road.


SAM: That's very intense, this thing took a turn.

TRAVIS: What was your name again?

MARISHA: Rhinestone. It's like jewels, but trashier.

SAM: Reggie Burns, Rhinestone, Ringo, so far.

LAURA: Is everybody R names?

SAM: No. In fact, why don't you tell us your non-R name, Laura?

LAURA: My name's Izzy. I used to set up shop outside of the AMC, but they locked it down. They had really great popcorn, though. But the thing is, one night I was following a trail of Red Vines and I ended up in a theater, and it's there that I found heaven. They were showing the movie called the Fost and the Furriest? And this guy named Vin Diesel was starring in it, and he's this racecar driver so I figure if I can get really good at racing, then maybe he'll notice me and I can have his babies.

LIAM: We're talking about a raccoon?

LAURA: No, he's a person.

LIAM: And you want to have his babies?

LAURA: Well, it's called the Fost and the Furriest, so I figure he's into it, right?

LIAM: I don't know if that's how that works.

MARISHA: It's 2018 now, there's a lot of interspecies relationships. You should get woke.

TRAVIS: Get woke!

LIAM: I'm not saying that trash can't be hammered, I'm saying you can't make little cubs that way.

LAURA: I don't know what you're talking about.

SAM: The camera pans over to Travis Willingham.

TRAVIS: My name is Goober, you can call me Goob. Cars, they have always fascinated me. I mean, really, just the shiny parts, all the intricacies, the mechanical operations. I found myself a bit of a tinkerer from brake bias to pullrod suspension. You like cars, boy, you and me are going to get along real fucking well. Anyway, so I love learning the incredible ways of these cars' functions, sometimes I'll break into a parking garage and find one of the cars that got the old trunks, you know, get my little fingers up there, pop the hood, make your way through the back of the trunk into the interior of the car. Oh my god, you got jellybeans, maybe a couple busted-up Cheetos, maybe some Cheerios if they had some kids in the back seat.

LAURA: Oh, Goldfish!

TRAVIS: Right, yeah? Then you just work the shift, get the wheel, try and figure out all the wiring underneath, that's where I excel.

LAURA: I don't have any idea how to run a car.

TRAVIS: Well, look. Listen, I nerd out about it a little, it's my passion, so it makes me a little socially... standoffish.

MARISHA: No, I find you very charming.

TRAVIS: Oh good.

MATT: No judgement there. I'm going to be honest, I'm feeling really good about this. It's a good assembled group here. I think we've got a good chance.

SAM: It is a good team, and in fact, your team, your crew if you will, hides currently on the edge of the river, watching from the shadows. There are five cars lined up at the starting line. I'll line them up right now, and I'll make a starting line.

LIAM: I think we should trade this game for campaign two.

MATT: That's easier on me.


LIAM: Matt's going to the movies!

LAURA: Look at the ice cream truck!

TRAVIS: Whoa! I feel like we're about to play Twisted Metal.

SAM: All right. There are no drivers in the cars right now, all of the drivers are shooting the shit with a large, imposing gangster called Grecian Toretto. You overhear him say, "Okay, youse guys, we got five cars racing tonight. The top two move on. The losers, well, they're just losers. The rules are there ain't no rules, all right? You start here on the river bed, first three to the bridge under the Two freeway wins. You crash, tough shit. The cops come, you never met me. You die, I get your car. You understand?" As the racers mill about, you see your chance. All five vehicles are empty. You could steal one, but which one, and how? What would you like to do?

MARISHA: Well, I'm super attracted to the giant ice cream truck on four wheels.

LAURA: The green one looks closest to the movies.

SAM: Okay, as you guys peer closer to the cars, you notice that a lot of them are emblazoned with logos and hood decorations and names on them. So I'll tell you a little about each car. There's one called REV Speedwagon, a burnt umber 1978 Caprice station wagon. There's one that is called Taxi Cab Concussions, a beat up New York City taxi cab with the doors painted shut. The green one is called Victor von Vroom, a green corvette that looks zippy but hard to control. This van over here is called The Exterminator, a royal blue exterminator van with "Pest Control" emblazoned on the side. Then this gigantic thing is called Mr. Fasty. It's just a fucking huge ice cream truck. All the drivers are somewhere around here conferring with Grecian. Any ideas, any picks?

LAURA: And where are we?

SAM: Oh, you guys, we'll say that you're up on the river banks--

LIAM: About how many feet away?

SAM: It doesn't matter. 37 feet away.

MARISHA: Can I quickly do an Animalgram search on each of the names and see if I can discern which one has the most followers or has won the most?

SAM: Sure, go ahead. There is no such thing as an intelligence check on this, so I'm going to just say this is chutzpah. Make a roll using your chutzpah modifier. That's the number of dice.

MARISHA: Which is four.

SAM: Yeah. And go ahead.

MARISHA: Super connected.

SAM: And see if you can connect to the internet down here.

MARISHA: Two successes and two failures.

SAM: Okay, so definitely. They actually have pretty good LTE connection down here, so you get right on Animalgram. You find out that, of these racers, Taxi Cab Concussions has a pretty good following. 700 followers.

MARISHA: Ooh, okay. Taxi Cab has the most followers.

SAM: And Mr. Fasty has even more, but they appear to all be parents and kids. You know, not choice followers. It's mostly accounts that have their dog picture as their avatar.

MARISHA: Vin Diesel's not following this.

SAM: No, it's not sexy. And that's about it. Nobody else has an account.

MARISHA: Well, we might get the most attention with the taxi cab. That could be either really great or really bad.

TRAVIS: Yeah, but we want to win this, right?

LIAM: We don't need attention. We want either, I'm thinking--

MATT: But how else do you get attention except for being a really good race car, right?

TRAVIS: If it's built on speed, the big monster in the middle probably not the way we want to go unless he's got a Flowmaster system in the back and the nitrous underneath.

LAURA: The green one!

MATT: You want to go check?

TRAVIS: We should!

LAURA: Victor von Vroom looks like the movies, I'm telling you.

LIAM: The green one looks like it could be blown away in a stiff breeze.

SAM: Two hours later...

MATT: How about this, you go ahead and check for the Flow thing on the big car. Let's go look at the green one and see if it looks functional and easy to get into.

TRAVIS: Could we run down and get under the chassis of the car?

SAM: I'm going to need all of you to make an alacrity check.

MATT: Oh! I'm really bad at this.

LIAM: So we roll what it says next to--

LAURA: Can I get an extra one because it reminds me of The Fast and the Furious?

SAM: Absolutely you can get a bonus dice for that. Ringo, you would roll two.

TRAVIS: I have two successes, two failures.

SAM: Just tell me your successes, I don't care about the failures.

TRAVIS: Two successes.

SAM: One success.

LIAM: Zero.

SAM: Okay.


SAM: Okay.

MATT: Zero!

SAM: Okay, so everybody starts down the sloped banks of the L.A. River. And all of you have claws great for climbing trees and trash cans, but this is smooth cement and you guys all start skidding down just kind of doing this move. Except for Goober. Goober seems remarkably fine. He's just bouncing from piece of trash to piece of trash to debris to debris.

TRAVIS: A little nibble.

SAM: Mm-hmm, he gets down no problem. But the rest of you have kicked up a bunch of dust. A couple of hobos look over at you. One of the graffiti taggers looks over at you.


SAM: Oh, god, that's scary. Matt, go ahead and make a ferociousness check.

MATT: That's four successes.

SAM: Oh, wow! The tagger looks at you, freaks out, drops his can of paint, and runs away and hightails it to--

MATT: I'm going to go up and grab the can of paint.

SAM: Ooh, yes. You already have two items that you might be holding, so if you'd like to drop one you can, or you can hold one with your mouth.

MATT: I'm going to go ahead and take my cold syrup and hold that in my mouth and then take the can and--

TRAVIS: You have cold syrup?

MATT: Yeah, I have cough syrup. You never know.

LIAM: I want to dive under the cars and check out the inside of the extermination van.

LAURA: I like imagining that we're both holding--

SAM: Oh, yeah, everybody has two items and that's all they can hold, because they don't have any packs.

TRAVIS: Thank god for those thumbs.

SAM: You guys make it to the car. You did cause some noise, but nobody seems to notice because it's the L.A. River and rodents are okay down here. You make it to the first car. No one seems to have noticed that you're running around over there. What would you like to look for or do?

TRAVIS: I would like to look for modified exhaust pipes.

SAM: I'll just say that you're here, back here.

TRAVIS: Yeah, checking out the ass on all these cars.

SAM: I don't actually have characters for any of you, so I'm just going to make you all--

LIAM: Get all the identical soldiers.

SAM: I'll make you identical soldiers. Since you're all raccoons.

LIAM: Just use The Mighty Nein and something special for Matt.

SAM: No one can tell raccoons apart, this is perfect.

MATT: Love it.

SAM: So Travis is up on the back of the ice cream truck, is that right?


SAM: And you're checking for what, now?

TRAVIS: Modified exhausts. Or nitrous tanks underneath.

SAM: Make a-- I don't know what to roll for this, let's just say chutzpah.

TRAVIS: Chutzpah. That is two successes.

SAM: This ties into your backstory, so you get an extra dice.

TRAVIS: Three successes.

SAM: Oh, yeah. Instantly, you're able with your amazing automotive knowledge you pry back the back hood. I don't know anything about cars. There's a hood in the front and a hood in the back.

TRAVIS: The trunk?

SAM: I don't know anything about cars! You pry open the back hood--

LIAM: When your butler brings you your car in the morning, what does he call it?

SAM: A boot?


TRAVIS: Yes! Oh shit!

MATT: I thought you couldn't read British!

LAURA: “Read British.”

SAM: All right, you pry open the back hood and you can see the engine's in the back of the van.

TRAVIS: Kind of peculiar for an American car.

SAM: And--

MATT: Heavily modified.

SAM: You expertly use your opposable thumbs to unscrew a little cap of some sort.


SAM: I don't know anything! You pry back that thing and you look in and yes, there is whatever you said before.

LIAM: Sam's knowledge encompasses wine and a cappella and that's it.

SAM: What did you call it? A Flowmaster?

TRAVIS: Jackpot, you guys! There's a nitrous tank!

SAM: Oh, yeah, there is a nitrous tank.

TRAVIS: And a Flowmaster exhaust system on this mother.

LAURA: Let's do it! Let's do the ice cream truck then!

MARISHA: So into it.

SAM: You guys cautiously walk around to the driver's side of the vehicle and find that the door is locked. Any ideas on how to get in?

MARISHA: No, but I take a selfie with it real quick.

LAURA: Are there any other doors or windows or anything?

SAM: You can snoop around. Do you want to crawl around and look?

LAURA: Yeah, ice cream trucks have that window on the side!

SAM: Absolutely they do, and you can see, from your expert raccoon eyesight, that it is partially ajar. You could get up there.

LAURA: Yeah, I'll try to get in.

SAM: Go ahead and roll for-- what is it? Alacrity.

LAURA: Alacrity. Oh, I failed it.

SAM: Oh no. Izzy starts to climb up the side of the ice cream truck and then she gets a picture of one of those yummy rainbow popsicles that she loves so much and she thinks it's real for a second and reaches for it, falls off, hurts herself. This alerts the driver of the car. An imposing woman with a mohawk looks over to just--

LIAM: In it?

SAM: No, she's over here talking with the other drivers. As you can tell by her...


SAM: No, this one represents them. Totally different from you guys. She's looking over, now, she's on alert.

LIAM: I'm going rogue and I'm crawling in and looking for an opening into the extermination vehicle.

SAM: Oh, you're going to a different vehicle.

LIAM: Yes, I am.

SAM: Ringo goes over to The Exterminator.

LIAM: I want to look for anything that can kill a man.

SAM: That can kill a man.

LIAM: Yeah.

SAM: Okay. The back door is open. You flip open the back and look. There's all kinds of hoses, sprayers, bottles of poison, bottles of gas, there's all kinds of stuff that could kill a man.

LIAM: I would love to leave behind my can of red spray paint and take a bottle of poison if that's possible.

SAM: Sure, there are bottles of poison. Now, they're not connected to any hoses or anything, but you can certainly cart off a bottle of poison.

LIAM: Is there anything in it?

SAM: Yeah, it's a bottle of poison, but there's no sprayer or anything. It's just a bottle, it's got a cap.

LIAM: That's fine, that's fine. I'll leave the can of red paint.

SAM: All right, and you're going to go back with your friends?

LIAM: Yeah.

LAURA: Can I try to use my broom to pry open the window?

SAM: Oh, you're using your broom?

LAURA: Yeah, so I stay on the ground.

MARISHA: Can I help her out? I'll give her a little boost on my shoulders?

SAM: Yes, you're going to have to roll another alacrity check but with...

MARISHA and SAM: Advantage?

SAM: Why don't you roll one, too?

MARISHA: Okay, I'll add!

LAURA: I failed.

MARISHA: Definitely failed.

MATT: While this is happening the one driver, that seemed to get attention, the woman, what car is she walking toward? Is she walking towards...

SAM: She's walking towards the one that you're investigating right now. She's getting to about here now, and she might come over and snoop around. She looks tough as nails, she's got a denim vest on, big mohawk.

TRAVIS: We got to kill her.

SAM: I like where this is going!

LAURA: Pirates! I skitter away from the ice cream truck.

SAM: You're going to just bolt. Izzy--

LAURA: Over to the green von Vroom or whatever. Victor von Vroom.

SAM: She's getting a little closer. What're guys doing?

LIAM: This is our moment, we got to take one of these vehicles. Are we going to do this or what?

TRAVIS: Yeah, we're doing it.

LIAM: Which one, the ice cream truck, the station wagon?

TRAVIS: Is there a backdoor on that ice cream truck or is it-- Is there a handle?

SAM: Is that what they're called? Yes, there is definitely a back door to the ice cream truck, that's how they load in the ice cream.

TRAVIS: I'll take my grappling hook and I'll throw it up to the back of the--

MARISHA: You have a grappling hook?

TRAVIS: Yeah, I got a grappling hook and duct tape!

SAM: He's a tinkerer!

LAURA: Why do I have a banana?

TRAVIS: I'm ready to fix and climb! So I'll throw it up and try to catch it on the handle.

SAM: Make an alacrity check. And you get a bonus die.

LAURA: Whoa.

TRAVIS: Yeah, four successes.

SAM: The grappling hook expertly goes around the handle, flies open. The doors are wide open. You can all get in very easily. You going to all go in?

LIAM: No, I'm going to distract the human. You throw that grappling hook at me when it's time to go. I'll run out and I start running circles around the lady who's coming this way.

SAM: Okay, so you're circling the lady.

MARISHA: Foam at the mouth! It really sells it!

LIAM: I hear her and I start spitting as much as I can.

SAM: Okay, roll a chutzpah check. The lady doesn't know what's going on, she's looking at her car, she's looking down at this crazy raccoon.

LIAM: Three successes.

SAM: She freaks out. She knows that you definitely have rabies. She tries to kick you, tries again, fails, runs back to the other drivers and says, "Hey! There's a crazy raccoon over there, I'm going to need some help! Give me your bats." They all have bats. They all carry bats.

LIAM: I start doing my best impression of a skunk and I start to do a handstand and try to put my raccoon tail towards them. Nothing comes out.

TRAVIS: Reggie Burns! Hey! You got any luck starting cars, working ignitions?

MATT: Bleh! I spit out the cough syrup, drop the spray paint, pick up the cough syrup in my other hand. I just go: I can certainly try! Let me-- yes! I do have some experience. It's been a little while. I'll give it a try.

SAM: She's coming back over; she's got a bat with her now.

LIAM: I'm going to unscrew the poison while I'm on my hands and chuck it between my legs to take the place of the skunk stink.

SAM: Okay, so you're spraying her with poison.

LIAM: No, I'm going to break it on the ground in front of her.

SAM: Okay. You're breaking a canister of poison on the ground in front of her.

LIAM: And a handstand.

SAM: Okay. This vermin control poison bottle explodes on the pavement in front of her, between you guys, and noxious poisonous gas starts spreading everywhere. It hits your nose, it's very stinky and it's already starting to hurt you. You better get out of there or you might fade away.

LIAM: All right, I do a barrel roll towards the car.

SAM: Awesome raccoon barrel roll, you're in the car. She takes two whiffs of this poison gas, starts hacking, and she staggers back to the other drivers saying, "I need some water, get me a water!" The all have bottles of water, and they all give her some water. They spray it on her eyes and face and try to get her back to full health, but she's definitely distracted, did not see you go in the car.

MATT: While this is happening, Goob ushered me to the front of the ice cream truck, and I'm looking at its controls. I did a little bit of driving for Big Pauly.

SAM: Sure you did.

MATT: So I'm going to see if I can remember how to hotwire one of these things.

SAM: Okay, go ahead and make an alacrity check, I guess.

MATT: Success! One!

SAM: Okay, yeah, great. There was a hanging wire and another hanging wire and he puts them together and they make a spark.

TRAVIS: Red and green, red and green!

MATT: Got it, got it! Ha ha, it's going. It's going Goob, it's going!

SAM: As the engine starts, Grecian, the guy who's running the race, perks up his ears and says, "Oh, it looks like we got a race, ladies and gentlemen. Everyone to your cars!" The other drivers all make their way to their cars. But the driver that you have poisoned, seems to still be recovering over here. She's on her hands and knees; she's throwing up by these barrels over here!

TRAVIS: Rhinestone, where--?


TRAVIS: (stammering) Where's Ringo, I can't see!

SAM: Ringo's gotten into the back of the truck, closed the door behind him. You guys are all in the ice cream truck, which is now your vehicle.

MARISHA: What is it called? Mr.--?

SAM: Mr. Fasty.


SAM: Grecian comes to the front of the starting line and announces to you guys, "All right everybody, the race starts here in the L.A. River; finish line is under the bridge beneath the 2 freeway. Get there any which way you want. Remember, the only rule is there ain't no rules. On your mark, get set--"

TRAVIS: Reggie, get up on the wheel!

SAM: We'll take a little pause here to tell you how to drive. Okay, this is super complicated, but also amazing. For actions that you want to do when you're driving a car, you're going to have to make decisions simultaneously without conferring. I will tell you the situation, tell you to choose what you want to do, ask you to lock in your answer by holding a d6 and choosing a number that you will then show me. The numbers one through six mean different things. The number one means brake; the number two means turn left; the number three means turn right; number four means use an item, any item; number five is go faster, accelerate; and number six is any other creative action you guys can come up with. At the end of each racing round, I'll roll a bunch of d6s that corresponds to how fast you guys are going. For instance, if you're going 50 miles an hour, I'll roll five dice. Anything four or higher is a cool point for you guys, okay? You'll have to keep track of these cool points-- maybe I will too, because you guys are drinking.


SAM: Yes, tea. You guys can, as a group, discuss and confer and spend cool points together to do cool things like jumps and spins and speed blasts and amazing tricks and find better routes.

LAURA: Like spinning around and going backwards!

SAM: Every time I roll a one for you, your car will take damage. Ten damage points will stall your car and it will need to be fixed before it can go on. I've given you guys stats, a few items to start with, so, we're ready to race, maybe?

MATT: Okay.

SAM: All right. At the starting line, all the cars are ready. Grecian holds up a flag in his hand and he says, "When I drop this flag, you guys go. One, two, three, go!" All of the engines go as fast as they can. Give me your first move on the count of three--

LIAM: Do we do this so there's multiple moves of this? Or is it one and done?

SAM: There will be multiple moves, yes, this is the first move out of the gate.

LAURA: So we show what our dice-- what we want to do?

MATT: You choose which of the numbers you want it to be, put that face up on the dice, cover it, and we reveal it all at the same time.

TRAVIS: I also should shout out: There is amazing suspension and wheels on this thing. We should run over some of the other cars, okay!

SAM: Let's put some cars in the way. Okay.

TRAVIS: Put the ones next to us.

SAM: Sure. All right, one, two, three, show me what you've got! You know what, just tell me your numbers.

TRAVIS: Three.

LAURA: Five.

LIAM: Five.


MATT: Five, we're going fast! Hold it!

SAM: Three was Goober; he turned right-- hard right, out of the gate.

TRAVIS: I'm kicking that taxicab in the ass.

SAM: Everybody else went fast.

TRAVIS: I don't know who else plays GTA, but when you start, you get rid of those others--

SAM: All the cars pull out of the gate; you guys shoot off at super-fast speeds, except you go right over--


SAM: -- Taxicab Concussions. You guys are going, already, at about 30 or 40 miles an hour straight out of the gate. Ooh, you guys just got three cool points, so remember those for the future.

MATT: Laura, you're keeping tabs of the cool points?

SAM: I'll keep them, too. They'll come in handy later. The other racers have hit the gas as hard as they can; they're going fast. This guy has to swerve around this car. REV Speedwagon speeds this way. The Exterminator sees what you're doing and he banks hard right because he sees you're bearing down on him. It's the next round of racing, guys, choose what you want to do! Locking in the answers, and tell me. What you got?


SAM: Uh-huh, tell me the numbers.

MATT: Three.

SAM: Two, three, yeah.


LAURA: Five.

LIAM: Six.

SAM: Ooh, okay. First and foremost, Goober grabs the steering wheel. He's hungry for more blood. He turns hard right into these barrels.

TRAVIS: Hard left!

SAM: Oh sorry, left. Oh, he's trying to straighten us out, but Reggie Burns has other ideas; he pulled the steering wheel the other way, hard right.

MATT: I panicked, I'm sorry!

SAM: Two of you hit the gas pedals as hard as you can with your little raccoon paws. You shoot forward. The Exterminator's trying to get rid of you. Liam, what was your action?

LIAM: I take a big bucket of soft serve ice cream and I chuck it out the back at the vehicles behind us.

SAM: All right, there's a big gallon of Chunky Monkey getting thrown out of the back of the car. Roll a, let's say-- this is a strength check, so let's do ferociousness for you.

LIAM: All right. What do I need to succeed?

SAM: You need two to succeed.

LIAM: I do not do it.

SAM: Oh no. You take a huge throw with your tiny little raccoon arms out the back of the car. It does get out of the truck, but it splats right here and now there's an area-- I'll mark it with one of Matt's things. This area is super slick now. Oh, sorry, I'm going to break everything tonight. The taxi sees this and slams on the brake and turns left. Oh no, these guys are going to hit! Oh god, they just slammed into each other! That's a definite wreck; the taxi's taken out. It's totally wrecked.

MARISHA: That was a hundred thousand dollar shot, at least!

SAM: It's a huge explosion of sparks and bent metal! The taxi guy is super upset!

MARISHA: So many practical effects.

SAM: Yes. Of course, the Speedwagon sustains almost no damage because it is a 70s model car made out of hard steel, so it's totally fine. You guys don't manage to quite get contact with The Exterminator because he's trying to outwit you. You guys straighten out a little and go a little further down the track, as do these two cars. Let's see what the next obstacle will hold. I'm resetting the map!

LIAM: This is no different than what any eight year olds do around a table of toys.

SAM: As we go into the second stretch, you guys are going with blistering speed. You guys are already up to, I don't know, 60 miles an hour.

MATT: Yeah, six speed.

SAM: I'm going to roll for this. Ooh, the first impact with the first car that you hit did sustain some damage to your vehicle. One hubcap is loose and falling off.

MATT: It's at nine now, right?

SAM: You've got three more cool points to spend, if you want.

MATT: Start using the cool points, guys.

SAM: As we go into the next round, is there any cool thing that you want to try as a group? You can decide.

TRAVIS: Do we want to form a raccoon chain and hang out of the car to fix the hubcap?

SAM: As you guys discuss this, you see The Exterminator has pulled ahead a little bit and is using his poison gas to throw a smoke screen at you guys. You can see the nozzles starting to be loosened and coming out of the back of the vehicle. He's got poison gas in these sprayers, ready to spray.

MATT: Go! Hit that nitrous, buddy!

TRAVIS: There's got to be a red button; look for the red button!

(panicked yelling)

SAM: Raccoons are color blind; you can't tell which one it is!

LAURA: I start hitting buttons!

MATT: Yes! Hit all the things!

LIAM: A rope? Is there a rope or a plug in here?

SAM: Sure, there's ropes for when he needs to ring the bell.

LIAM: Ring the bell? Aw! I start tying the cord from the ice cream mixer around my waist and I pull out the rocket booster I have, and then I just--

SAM: He has a rocket booster.

LIAM: I jump out the passenger window and ignite the rocket!

SAM: Okay, wait a second. You're jumping out the passenger window, igniting the--

LIAM: This is cool points!

SAM: Are you trying to shoot ahead to him?

LIAM: I want to pull the whole vehicle along.

SAM: Oh, you want to pull the whole vehicle. You're an outboard motor. You're a jet engine on a tether. Okay, holding onto the bell ringing rope with one hand and a rocket engine with his other hand, he hits it hard. I'm going to have to ask you to make an alacrity check just to see if you can hold onto this--

LAURA: Can we hold onto his feet?

SAM: Absolutely, you can definitely help out. I'll give you an extra dice to see if you can hold onto the rocket.

LIAM: Oh no. One success.

SAM: That definitely succeeds because you knew what you were doing when you went into this! You're dangling out the window; the rocket hits hard. It slams into your raccoon chest. It's starting to singe your fur and your tail, but it is pulling you guys ahead. As soon as the poison gas starts coming out of the back of The Exterminator--

LIAM: That's plus three to speed.

SAM: Yeah, it bursts over The Exterminator, flattening his whole car. He's still in motion, but he definitely did not hit you with the smoke. These guys are still coming up the rear, not as fast as you. You are currently in the lead of this race. Reset the map.


SAM: All right, let's throw some water shit out there. It's the L.A. River. There's puddles of water-- not too much-- but--

MARISHA: Twice a year!

SAM: It's mostly industrial waste. The puddles are green. Let's say that there's an overturned bus, I don't know why.

LIAM: For everyone else on the planet, just think of Terminator 2. Terminator 2, riding around that dirt bike.

SAM: Let's throw in some more boxes. Next leg of the race, you're going to have to go through this water or go around it. It looks pretty slippery; it's mostly oily industrial water. You could blast right through it, you could try to go around it. These guys look like they're going to try to go straight through. What is your move here, guys? I'm going to ask you to dial in your answers right now and tell me, what do you want to do? Give me the numbers.


LAURA: Four!

MATT: Three.


LIAM: Six.

SAM: Two, three, four, five, six. Right at the top of the round, Goober, as he always does, turns left a little bit to try to avoid this one and hit another car. I see where you're going, but, whoever did number three--

MATT: That's me, sorry!

SAM: Goober and Reggie Burns are fighting over control of the steering wheel-- turns right back straight again.

TRAVIS: You're stronger than you look.

SAM: Somebody hits the accelerator; I forgot who it was.

LAURA: That's Marisha at the accelerator.

MARISHA: That's me. (grunt) I'm still on the gas!

SAM: With her prehensile tail. You guys are going even faster, and who said use item, number four?


SAM: All right, what item is that?

LAURA: I want to use my broomstick!

SAM: What are you going to do with that broomstick?

LAURA: I want to throw it out the back like a spear and try to shatter the windshield of the Exterminator vehicle.

MARISHA: Mad Max style.

SAM: Yes, the doors of the back of the ice cream truck are definitely open. You can definitely do that.

LAURA: (battle cry)

SAM: Izzy, with amazing-- almost like she saw it at a movie-- she rears back, and in slow motion, lets loose with this amazing improvised weapon. It flies through the air. Roll a, let's say, ferociousness check, if you don't mind.

TRAVIS: And one for your item.

LAURA: Oh, I get one for my item too?

SAM: Sure, why not?

LAURA: Okay.

TRAVIS: Maybe?

SAM: Yeah, I don't know, doesn't matter.

LAURA: Three successes!

SAM: Not only does the broomstick fly with perfect aim, it shatters The Exterminator's front window. Front window! I don't even know the word windshield!


SAM: For a split second, time slows down. The Exterminator starts regretting his life choices. Why did he try to kill all those rats and mice and raccoons and skunks? Why did he devote his life to hating animals when he could have loved them and cuddled with them? He sees your cute, adorable, masked face looking at him and he regrets everything as the broom goes through his head.



MATT: You Final Destination-ed him!

TRAVIS: I was just going to say that!

SAM: He definitely dies, kills, dead, and flips over.

TRAVIS: Does the car also explode?

SAM: The car does not explode.

MATT: He definitely dies, kills, dead?

SAM: For a moment, and then it definitely explodes!

MATT: Yeah!

TRAVIS: Jesus Christ, Izzy!

LAURA: Yeah!

SAM: With poisoned gas, so it's this weird green explosion. You guys go shooting over the water hazards. Let's see if you guys can hold on--

LIAM: Wait, I put a six down.

SAM: Oh, what is the six that you wanted to do?

LIAM: Well, my rocket ran out of juice, so when it does, I'm going to then Spiderman swing and throw myself akimbo-- shirt cocking because all I've got is a tie-- and go in through the window of the station wagon.

SAM: You're trying to get back into-- wait, into the station wagon?!

LIAM: Yes.

SAM: Oh! All right. This guy is out for blood.

LIAM: (battle cry)

TRAVIS: The "accountant."

SAM: As you fly through the air, the person in the station wagon looks like a kind old biddy. She's just a sweet old little lady driving a station wagon.

LIAM: (snarling)

SAM: Her window is down; roll an alacrity check to see if you can get in.

MARISHA: She's not even supposed to be in the street race. She just took a wrong turn.

LIAM: One success.

SAM: You hit hard and do manage to hold onto the edge of the car. You're not all the way in, but you're hanging on the side of the car, and that's how this round will be.

TRAVIS: Oh man, you are out there.

SAM: She goes over the water, you guys go over the water. It slows you down considerably. This guy shoots by on pavement. You guys are now in second or third place.

MATT: What's our speed now? Was it 70?

SAM: We're going to say it's down to 40.

MATT: Okay.

SAM: I don't know how to play this game. You got two more cool points; have you used any cool points?

LAURA: We used one cool point.

SAM: One cool point?

MATT: Can we use cool points independently?

SAM: Sure, yeah, I don't know. Sure.

MATT: We're earning a lot of cool points here.

MARISHA: How many cool points do we have?

SAM: Right now you have seven. Some things that you want to do take more than one cool point, so tell me what you want to do and I'll give it a point value. Going through the water though, that wheel that had the wobbly whatever-- hubcap-- is starting to get really loose now.

LAURA: That's where we should use our cool points. We should make the chain and fix the hubcap.

SAM: You guys took two more damage. You're on three damage right now, but the race is still going.

LAURA: How many damage can we take?

MATT: Ten.

SAM: Yep, ten. The race continues. You guys are making up speed. Falling behind, you guys shoot up the side of the L.A. River to try to get onto the street. Now, to get out of the L.A. River you're going to have to make a big jump-- and there's the jump-- as there's a fence.

LIAM: The Dwarven Forge has been included!

SAM: There's a fence here. You guys all are going try to make this jump near the same time-- actually, no, Greeny is going to go first. He makes it, no problem, he's over. You guys are going to try to make this jump at the same time. You're nearing the jump-- you're not there. You all can do one more thing, including you, Liam, who is still hanging on the side of the Speedwagon. Would you like to lock in your answers right now and tell me what you want to do to make it over this--?

LAURA: Can we cool point it?

SAM: Yeah, cool point. What do you want to try to do?

LAURA: I think me and Rhinestone want to chain it out the window and try to fix the hubcap. Hold the hubcap on.

TRAVIS: I'll help too because I've got duct tape!

LAURA: Oh tight!

MARISHA: You want to go down and we'll chain you?



SAM: I'm going to charge you arbitrarily two cool points for this.

LAURA: Got it.

SAM: It definitely happens. While Reggie Burns is manning both the steering wheel and the gas, you guys all hang out the back of the car to fix the hubcap. You restore two damage; you're only down to one damage now because Goober is an amazing mechanic. Do you do the mechanic-ing or do you--?

TRAVIS: Yeah. No, I do everything. I take the duct tape; I just get a little bit out. I touch the wheel and it just starts fucking unreeling, wrapping it like a mummy.

SAM: It's very easy to do. One of your tires is now covered in duct tape, which makes it weirdly stronger than all the other tires.


MATT: I'm not part of this chain.

SAM: No.

MATT: As they're doing this, I'm looking out the window and I'm seeing that my buddy over there, Ringo, is hanging out of the side having a bad time. I'm sitting there holding onto the steering wheel like (sound of distress). I'm going to reach down, and if I can use a cool point to take my cough syrup and chuck it at the windshield of the station wagon to try and block the view.

SAM: Okay. That's--

MATT: I get out the window: Ringo! Come back, buddy!

SAM: I'll charge you two cool points for this because it's such an amazing move. You have to take your hand off the wheel for a second, but you're still steering with one foot, and you throw the bottle of Robitussin as hard as you can. It's a perfect shot. It lands square in her windshield, shattering everywhere. She's so shocked, "Oh my!" She makes a hard left by accident and goes up the side and slams into the wall! Oh wait, Liam, what did you want to do the move before?

LIAM: It's kind of irrelevant now.

SAM: No. She's on her way up; she hasn't slammed yet. You see it approaching; what do you want to try to do?

TRAVIS: The end is near!

MARISHA: Wait, I'm still hanging out the edge of the window holding onto the chain. Can I be like: Grab the chain! and fling over Goob? Now that he's done?

SAM: Ringo looks back and sees two of his friends dangling from a chain.

LIAM: Are there any cool points left?

SAM: There are three cool points left.

LIAM: Okay. I will use as many as it takes to both simultaneously reach for the chain being thrown to me and to piss on the side of the old lady's face.

SAM: It's a flying bladder of piss that shoots out, covering the side of the car.


SAM: As you guys shoot over the ramp, your friends grab you on this weird chain of piss that shoots up and over the ramp-- and makes it to safety on the other side. The two cars are blazing neck and neck for the rest of the race. As you know, the top two cars do win, so you have won no matter what. You guys are in great shape. However, as you're going through the last leg of the race, a bunch of hobos start throwing rocks at you.

TRAVIS: Oh no!

SAM: Yeah, they don't like cars in their turf. They also hate raccoons. They're not even throwing them at Victor von Vroom; they're only throwing them at you. These hobos have amazing aim. The rocks are pelting you left and right. I'm going to need you all to make a rotundity check to see if you can survive the onslaught of pebbles and rocks.

TRAVIS: Failure.

LAURA: Three successes.

SAM: Three successes. Two successes.

MARISHA: Two successes.

MATT: Two successes.

SAM: Okay, everybody is totally fine, except Goober takes a well-placed hobo rock right to the chin.

LAURA: He was the farthest out on the chain.

MARISHA: He was.

TRAVIS: That was some sick air-- (grunt)

SAM: Goober is currently unconscious.

ALL: Ah!

LAURA: Pull the chain in!

MARISHA: I dive in and try to start pulling him in.

SAM: Okay. Make a ferociousness check. Oh no, that's your worst skill!


SAM: You need a one to succeed.

MARISHA: I'm so sweet, though. I succeed!

SAM: You succeed!

MARISHA: I succeed with a four!

SAM: Even though he loses grip on the chain, at the very last minute, Rhinestone reaches out with one hand while holding onto the chain with her feet and holding on to her cell phone with the other hand and takes an epic selfie!

MARISHA: Hey everybody! I just want to say thank you for following me in the middle of the street race. He almost died! Okay, bye.

SAM: Right at the end, she does a Vroomerang of the last moment of pulling him in. It gets a bunch of new followers and a lot of likes.

MARISHA: Nice! Guys, we're trending. That was amazing.

SAM: Pulls in Goober. He slowly shakes it off and comes to consciousness.


SAM: You guys pull under the bridge. The race is over, Grecian Toretto is already there. The engines get shut down. Grecian comes up applauding. "Congrats. You two made it to the R.O.D.E.N.T Championships." As he says this, the other cars, in various degrees of disarray and brokenness, pull up. They're dispirited. They're all injured. One of them is dead.

TRAVIS: How's Granny faring?

SAM: Granny's okay; she had an airbag installed in the late 90s. She's okay. Her grandkid did it for her. She's fine.

LIAM: Who the hell is in that green car?

SAM: You don't know yet. You haven't seen any faces.

LIAM: All right.

TRAVIS: Victor von Vroom.

SAM: As he steps out, you do see a man wearing cool racing leathers with an awesome chrome helmet on. You can't see his face; he never speaks. He just looks fucking cool.

MARISHA: It's Daft Punk.

LAURA: How big is he?

SAM: How big is he?

LAURA: Yeah.

SAM: He's a normal human-sized person. He's five foot seven-and-a-half.

LIAM: I can't tell if he's bald yet, going to take the helmet off.

SAM: Grecian says, "Congrats. You made it to the R.O.D.E.N.T. Championships. Again, that's just an acronym; it's a humans-only race. No rodents are actually allowed. If any were ever spotted, they would be killed on sight."

TRAVIS: What does R.O.D.E.N.T. stand for again?

SAM: Racing Over Dangerous Enchanted Night Terrain.


MATT: We're still in our cars as he's saying this, right?

SAM: Yes, you're still in your car.

MATT: I'm going to apply my fake beard and glasses to attempt to interface in case any sort of inquiring elements of disguise start asking around.

LIAM: Is there any kind of ice cream man's white smock or coat here?

SAM: There's two ice cream man uniforms, which include a jacket and a hat.

MATT: I'll get on your shoulders. Whoa.

LIAM: Wait, hold up.

LAURA: I'll get in one of the sleeves and act like it's a hand sitting on the steering wheel.

SAM: Sure.

MARISHA: Since I have awesome purple hair, I'll be the long-haired dude. I'll be his hair since that's edgy and super in right now.

MATT: Goob! Other arm?


SAM: Grecian goes over to Victor von Vroom.

TRAVIS: I jump over on the gearshift.

LIAM: Just like Voltron!

MATT: Exactly! I form the head! as we button up the front of the coat and: Whoa.

SAM: Grecian goes over to Victor von Vroom and says, "We're going to meet up in one week at midnight behind the water purification plant at LAX. Bring your best ride. Do you accept?" Victor von Vroom nods. He walks over to you guys and says, "All right. I don't know who you guys-- oh! What is your name?"

MATT: Uh-- Sprocket. Sprocket Raccoon. It's French. *Oui.*

SAM: Roll a chutzpah check.

MATT: One success.

SAM: Oh, that's all you needed. He's kind of dumb. Grecian says, "I've never been to France. I hear it's lovely this time of year."

MATT: It's gorgeous. It's absolutely beautiful.

SAM: "Well--"

LAURA: I bend forward with my banana in my hand and hold it up to his mouth like he's eating a banana.

MATT: Oh, racing takes it out of me, you know?

SAM: "Sure. Potassium. It's a good source of potassium. You're very smart to do that."

MATT: Yeah. Helps with the-- keeps the Charley horse at bay, you know?

SAM: "Sure. Hey, you're missing your mouth a little there, but it was a tough race."

MATT: It's just the nerves, yeah.

SAM: "One week. Midnight. I expect to see you there. Your car got a little banged up. You might want to do some work to it before the big race." As he's saying this to you, he pats you on the shoulder and says, "Good luck out there." He pats you on the shoulder. There's nothing really there except some moving fur and weird bones.

TRAVIS: There's a squeak.

SAM: He kind of looks at you funny.

MATT: It's a skin condition, don't worry.

SAM: "Ah, yeah." He starts to look in, and just as he does, another person runs up to him-- the same woman as before, the mohawk lady who was poisoned. She still has red eyes and snot all over her mouth, and she says, "(panting) They stole-- he stole my car. That's not fair! That's against the rules!" Grecian wheels on her and says, "What did I say before? The only rule is there ain't no rules!" and the lady says, "No, you were very clear about that. I'm sorry."


SAM: She walks away.

TRAVIS: Oh my god!

SAM: Chapter Two: How to Train Your Dragster.


MATT: Oh, there we go.

SAM: Somehow, you guys survived the first race, but your car was banged up pretty bad. You know that the competition and the championships is going to be tougher. After a quick celebration, you head to the dump to find parts for your ride. Here's the issue. You're only familiar with the south side of the dump where the food goes. The north side is where they toss old VCRs and car parts. None of you have spent any time there. It's dark; the wind makes the metal creak and whine. Rats scurry nearby, watching from the shadows. Then suddenly, you smell something rank nasty. Two yellow eyes emerge from behind a broken mirror. Cloaked in darkness and stinking to high heaven, you see a black and white creature. In one paw, he holds a metal pipe. In the other, it's not an animal paw. Instead, it's a long plastic rod with pincers at the end. A grabby hand.

TRAVIS: Ah! Yes!

SAM: He wears a dangling necklace and speaks with a hiss.

BLAIR: I just shit myself, you guys smell that? Sorry about that, didn't think I was going to get company tonight. Hello.

SAM: Wait, so it's not because you're a skunk?

BLAIR: No, I literally am a skunk, but literally just shit myself and I am deeply embarrassed. I didn't expect anyone to come over tonight. I live in a dump, so.


BLAIR: I just want to qualify a couple of things. One, I don't even want to play, I've just been enjoying the fuck out of watching this. Two, you guys are delightful maniacs.

MARISHA: Thank you.

MATT: Welcome!

BLAIR: Three, I don't know any of this dice stuff, so I need your help.

MARISHA: None of it makes sense, just go with it.

MATT: We'll help you. Don't worry.

BLAIR: You've all been rolling different things and none of it has had any sort of consistency, so I feel--

SAM: No, that is accurate.

LIAM: There's a very subtle science to what's going on at this table. Please don't disparage the customs of this table.

BLAIR: Sure. I don't have a great voice because I'm not a great voice actor like you guys. My character grew up in the 90s and he's a big fan of reality television and his favorite person was Blair Herter from Road Rules.

ALL: Oh.

MATT: Gotcha.

BLAIR: So I sound very much like that guy from 1999's MTV classic Road Rules.

LIAM: That's super meta, man.

BLAIR: Well, I was just trying to figure out how to sound-- and I was like, fuck, I sound so stupid compared to you guys, so I'll just be me because I was that person.

TRAVIS: There you go.

SAM: We'll use the theater of the imagination.

BLAIR: Here we are.

LIAM: But he just shit himself.

SAM: For sure, he did. But it's still sort of masked by the weirdly more pleasant skunk aroma.

BLAIR: That's what I do, I cover up my shit with skunk smell.

SAM: Yeah, you can fart anywhere, it doesn't matter.

LIAM: I can shit anywhere I want. Nobody will know.

BLAIR: It's a skunk's life for me.

SAM: You see standing before you an older gentleman. He is a skunk, not a raccoon, but he's got streaks of gray in his black and white fur. He definitely stinks. Do you want to describe yourself or say who you are or anything? That would be great.

BLAIR: Sure. As you can tell, I do have a doll's paw. My name's Bald Paw. Right, I was an ancient street racer back in the day before you kids were doing your stuff in the L.A. River. I was doing it big on the 405, okay?

MATT: Oh damn. That's crazy.

LIAM: With the humans?

LAURA: That's no man's land.

BLAIR: With the humans and the dogs. Dogs used to drag race back in the day. Don't ask why they stopped.

MATT: That's back when there wasn't as much traffic, so you could race.

BLAIR: Yeah, sure. I lost my paw, though, racing from San Francisco to Los Angeles. Not on a bicycle; I'm a fantastic cyclist and will definitely be safe, Jessica, next week. But I was drag racing at one point and lost my paw-- Bald Paw. Funny thing, really hard to get a job as a skunk with a doll hand, so here I am in the junkyard. The only place I could possibly work.

SAM: Travis, roll a history check-- there's no such thing.


BLAIR: Now again, I don't know. Do you need my dice too? How does this work?

SAM: No, just hold off a bit. Let's just say it's rotundity.

TRAVIS: Oh. One dice, okay. Success.

SAM: Okay, you instantly recognize him as Albert T. Skunk, aka Bald Paw. He was in this epic race-- it's legendary-- but a fellow competitor cheated and ran him off the road. His vehicle exploded. Many thought he was dead-- in fact, you thought he was dead. Instead, he lives and survives in this dump selling car parts to young, hungry racers like yourself. You're instantly enthralled by him.

TRAVIS: My god! Bald Paw, himself!

BLAIR: That's me, mm-hmm.

TRAVIS: You guys, this is Albert T. Skunk! He's a legend. He's a myth!

MARISHA: I've never heard of him.

TRAVIS: You get parts from him and instantly your vehicles are faster. I mean, that's the rumor.

BLAIR: This is perfectly deferential. I deserve this. Thank you for being here.

LIAM: You ever think about getting back in the game?

BLAIR: It's a young man's game now. Young lady's game. Young furred people's game at this point.

MATT: Very forward thinking of you.

BLAIR: It's a progressive lifestyle in the junkyard. I have a lot of friends that don't actually exist, so I've learned to love everyone. And I'm just here to help. Really, I'm just here to help.

LAURA: Do you have anything we can put on our Mr. Fasty?

BLAIR: It depends on what you're looking for.

MATT: We're looking for things to fix that. And I point back to the rather bumped-up, terrifying looking ice cream truck on wheels.

BLAIR: An ice cream truck. You know, I was driving an ice cream truck when I met your mother. Anyway, as I was saying--


BLAIR: I see there are some things that are wrong with that. I can help with that. But you're going to need to do a couple things for me.

MARISHA: I immediately Google--

SAM: Okay.

MARISHA: Albert T. Skunk, aka Bald Paw.

SAM: Sure.

BLAIR: You might want to put "legend" in quotes after that, too. Plus legend, as well.

MARISHA: Plus legend.

TRAVIS: Plus illegitimate children.

SAM: There's no internet out here in the dump, unfortunately. There's no information that comes up.

MARISHA: Fucking AT&T.

BLAIR: I'm trying to get Fios, but it's not--

SAM: By the way, AT&T, please sponsor our show.

MATT: It's a Spectrum territory. None of us are going to get any internet.

LAURA: What do you need us to do?

BLAIR: Well, as you can see, I live in the dump.

LAURA: Yeah.

BLAIR: As you can smell, I shit myself.

LAURA: Yeah.

BLAIR: What I'm going to need you to do is go over to that row of porta potties. I'm going to need you to clean that up.

LAURA: That doesn't even make sense.

TRAVIS: Clean out the porta potties?

LAURA: Why would we need to do that?

LIAM: Garbage isn't for cleaning.

TRAVIS: How many porta potties are there?

SAM: There's three porta potties. Two of them have broken doors. It seems like the one that he's pointing towards is the one that's left pristine in the middle. The door is closed, locked, but there's flies buzzing all round it in the night.

LAURA: Why do we need to clean it out?

BLAIR: I don't have any friends. I just wanted you guys to do something for me. I'm just kidding. I'll give you some parts. What can I get for you? It's really fine. It's just really good to talk to somebody. It's super good to talk to somebody.

SAM: As you say that, the porta potty door opens, and a nasty old lady comes out, pulling up her pants. She sees you guys.

LIAM: Scurry! Scurry!

SAM: "Hey! Hey you! Get out of my dump! Get out of my dump!"

BLAIR: Dial it back, Jessica! Dial it back. These are my friends.

MARISHA: I roll over and show my belly.

SAM: "All right, just keep it clean tonight, everybody. Go scurry around. Keep it on the south side. South side, or I get out my shotgun." And she kind of wanders back to the hut at the top of the hill where she works.

LIAM: Are you her pet or something?

BLAIR: She's my ... boss? Owner? Lover?

LAURA: Lover? It's possible! That's what I told you!

SAM: Interspecies love!

MARISHA: I'm sorry, you said it really fast, and I just need to check to see if you did say that. Did you say something about my mother?

MATT: Is it cool if I go ahead and check in...

BLAIR: Yeah. So about those parts, right, what are you guys looking for?

MARISHA: I feel like I'm just not being heard right now.

BLAIR: Funny, that's what she used to say, too. So as I was saying, what are you guys looking for in the...

SAM: Reggie Burns, is there something you want to try?

MATT: While they're having this conversation-- Pardon me, I need to go make a little tinkle. I'm going to go ahead and try and follow the old woman.

SAM: Okay. Make an alacrity check to stay hidden.

MATT: Yeah, success. One success.

SAM: Okay, you follow her all the way to the south side of the dump-- I don't remember-- the east side of the dump.

MATT: Sure.

SAM: And there she sits on a perch, on a stoop. She pulls up a loaded shotgun and cocks it (cocking noise), and she scans down into this strange pit. You take a look down there. There's all kinds of floodlights that aren't on yet, but with your night vision you can definitely see that down in the bottom of the pit isn't your normal trash. It's not thrown-out old fax machines and stuff like that. Down in the bottom of the pit seems to be shiny things: wheels, carburetors?


SAM: Afterburners?

TRAVIS: Alternators?

SAM: Spoilers?

TRAVIS: Yep, sure, yeah.

SAM: Pristine racecar car parts that have been dumped there, and she seems to be guarding for some reason, probably because they're pretty valuable and are easily scavenged. So she's sitting there, kind of dozing off, but keeping a little bit of an eye out for anyone going into the pit. Do you stick around? Do you go back?

MATT: I'm going to go back and meet up with them and tell them what I found.

SAM: As Reggie Burns tells you all these things, you know immediately that this is definitely where the GM wants you to go.


TRAVIS: I got to ask you, do you have any experience weaponizing a vehicle?

LIAM: Yeah, can you help us A-Team this fucking thing?

BLAIR: I can make anything kill anything, man. What do you need?

TRAVIS: Harpoon guns, maybe some boiling acid. I don't know, anything that comes to mind, you just let us know.

BLAIR: Particularly on the flames. If you guys like flames, I have many objects that distribute flames in many different deadly ways.

TRAVIS: This is going to be a beautiful fucking partnership.

BLAIR: Yeah, mm-hmm.

SAM: All right, you guys slowly--unless there's anything you want to get out in the open (laughs)-- you guys can slowly make it--

MARISHA: I'm a little in shock.


MARISHA: You're super into flames, like, maybe with my *mother*?!

TRAVIS: (laughs)

BLAIR: (stammers) I didn't want to say this in front of your friends, but...


BLAIR: I've been in this dumpster for the last 27 years waiting for you to show up.

TRAVIS: Oh, god!

MARISHA: This is getting really real right now, for Crash Pandas.

BLAIR: So, let's just rip the bandaid. Your mother and I had unprotected sex; you're my child.

LAURA: (gasps)

BLAIR: You're my child! And I knew one day my child, the seed of my loins, I would pass on these superior racer genetics, and one day Toretto would bring back that sweet, sweet racing scene, and my child would be a part of that.

SAM: You guys do some mental math and realize that 27 years--

BLAIR: Yeah, I didn't read any of this, by the way.

SAM: --means she's 16 in raccoon years.


SAM: So it all makes sense.

BLAIR: Which is since legal in the skunk/raccoon world, by the way.

LIAM: The old gal with the shotgun is your stepmom? Or how does that work?

MARISHA: I'm actually really curious about that, too. How *does* that work?

BLAIR: She is one of my most regrettable rebounds after your mother died in that terrible accident.


BLAIR: Your mom died in a--I mean, she passed away peacefully, and then I made a bad decision. But we need to move forward in life; it's not really about the past. This is what happens when you think about the past.

MARISHA: You gave me white hair, which is why I have to dye it this purple color!

BLAIR: And you're welcome for your Instagram likes.

TRAVIS: It looks really good.

LAURA: You're part skunk.

BLAIR: Did your father motivate you--

MARISHA: I'm part skunk!

BLAIR: --in his ways?

MARISHA: It was a very compelling story, and I got so many Patreon followers because of my tragic story about needing to find my dad. So, yes, thank you!

BLAIR: And now, when they learn about *this* thing--

MARISHA: Oh my god!

BLAIR: I am a skunk with a doll hand grafted onto my furry stub.

MARISHA: You should get your story out in the world. It could inspire so many people.

TRAVIS: What is the shape of the doll hand in? Is it open or pointing, or?

SAM: It was taken from a doll, but it is a grabby hand.

TRAVIS: Oh, good.

BLAIR: But it's a little melted because it had been in the sun when I found it.


BLAIR: It's more so I can grab things with these two, but not so much a full grip. I can't drink this with this. And then, this is a paw. So, this is unnecessary.

LAURA: Oh, you're a skunk. You don't have opposable thumbs.

SAM: Yeah, he's a skunk. He does *not* have opposable thumbs.

BLAIR: I don't know anything about skunks! I guess I don't have thumbs, either. So, I'm fucked.

LIAM: Did you lose that making her?

BLAIR: No, that was a different-- that was my race.

MARISHA: Don't blame the children!

BLAIR: It certainly wasn't any aggressive sexual activity I may or may not have had with her mother.


BLAIR: It was a race on the 405, as I already said. Let's move on!

LAURA: Are there any boxes around?

SAM: Sure, there's lots of cardboard boxes, wood boxes.

LAURA: Can we get in cardboard boxes and sneak over to the big hole in the ground?

TRAVIS: Oh, nice!

SAM: Absolutely. Do you all want to get into cardboard boxes and do this?

MATT: If there's enough.

SAM: He has *tons* of cardboard boxes.

MARISHA: Are we Metal Gear-ing this?



MATT: Damn right we are!

SAM: Let's make a group alacrity check.

BLAIR: Will do! I'm ready!

SAM and MARISHA: (laughter)

MATT: So you need to make two--

BLAIR: That doesn't-- let me just-- and then you guys tell me that I did it right.

SAM: We need a collective five successes to win.

MATT: All right.

TRAVIS: Three.

SAM: Oh, Jesus.


SAM: Okay, we already got it.


SAM: I don't know how this game works.

LIAM: What is it? Alacrity?

SAM: We already passed.

MARISHA: We're awesome.

SAM: Everybody makes their way to the pit. On your walk over, you guys notice, weirdly, that Rhinestone hasn't been taking as many selfies; she's more present and in the moment right now.

MARISHA: It's only because I don't have internet down here.

SAM: Oh, that could be.

MARISHA: The service is real shitty.


BLAIR: You know, you can take those pictures and just save them for later, right? You can do that, too.

MARISHA: Oh, I've been recording this whole conversation.

BLAIR: For the feds?

MARISHA: Just in case!

SAM: As you make your way over the hills and valleys of trash, Reggie Burns, you turn off to the side and notice the silhouette of three rats on top of a pile of trash. They're just looking from afar; they're not doing anything.

MATT: (nervously) Do I recognize any of these rats?

SAM: You recognize that there is one smaller one, one medium-sized one, and one big one. The big one kind of does this to you.


LIAM: But, just "kind of".


MARISHA: You beat me to it! What does “kind of” mean?

TRAVIS: Yeah, their hands are real thin, so it's more like...


SAM: But, they're not making any moves. Just watching you from afar.

MATT: All right, I'm just going to go (muttering).

TRAVIS: You okay?

LAURA: Do you know them?

MATT: I don't know yet.

LAURA: What do you mean? They're making eyes at you.

MATT: I know.

LAURA: How would you know them?

MATT: (stammering) Look, I'm in a bit of a pickle.

TRAVIS: You found a pickle?

MATT: Do you have a pickle?


MATT: Sorry. Do any of you guys know Big Paulie?

TRAVIS: Oh, I've heard of Paulie, yeah.

MATT: I was running for him for a while, just helping him get through a few gigs there. I'm in a lot of debt. I borrowed a lot of money.

TRAVIS: How much?

MATT: Let's say, at least four, five big piles of scraps. Look. Maxine, she was beautiful-- she had a lifestyle we had to maintain, so I wanted to make sure she gets what's important. She's gone now, and now Paulie's--

LIAM: Notice that name started with an M.


BLAIR: Supes IRL on brand, you guys.

MATT: Don't look too deep into this.

TRAVIS: Reggie, you'll never pay that out by yourself.

MATT: I know, that's why I need to do this-- that's why I need this--! I need you guys to help me. I don't know if that's Paulie, but if it is--

LAURA: Paulie's a rat.

MATT: Be careful. He's a big rat! How do you think I broke this fucking arm?!

BLAIR: You want a doll hand? I got piles of doll hands.

MATT: If this thing keeps going bad on me, I may take you up on that!

BLAIR: I got doll heads that talk, I got doll butts you can put things up-- whatever, anyway, I can help you.

MATT: All right.

TRAVIS: What do we do, Reggie? Do you want to stay clear of them?

SAM: Okay, Reggie explains to you-- oh, sorry, keep going. Sorry.

MATT: I'm just saying, they know we're here. They're keeping an eye-- he wants his scraps, so he's not going to get in our way unless we start deviating from their plans. So, just know we're being watched.

TRAVIS: Okay. They won't interfere.

MATT: And if at any point, Paulie gets too close and you see an opening, fucking kill him, because if we can get rid of this debt--

LIAM: Why not take the problem head on? Why are we dancing around it? There's more of us than there are of them.

MATT: Because we got a shotgun-wielding crazy woman around the corner.

LAURA: But we're in boxes. No one will ever see us.

MARISHA: I thought you were banging her or something right now. She won't kill us, right?

BLAIR: Let's not use banging, but, yeah.

LIAM: Could you keep her busy?

MARISHA: I'm sorry. Flaming. Like you did with my mom.

SAM: Judging by the stars? I don't know, using your raccoon sense, you realize you probably only have about an hour before daybreak starts to come up, so--

BLAIR: Here's what I'm going to do, okay, because I didn't expect to meet my daughter this evening. I'm going to help you guys out. You got your own stuff going on over there; you need to handle with those right now. What I'm going to do right now is I'm going to go over to that old lady on the porch, okay, for you. You need to maybe watch this so you can see how you were made. I'm going to kiss her. I'm going to kiss her deeply; I'm going to kiss her longingly; I'm going to kiss her for a long time.

MARISHA: This feels like conversations you're not supposed to have with your children.

BLAIR: Yeah, well, this is the first time I've had a child, so, I'm learning.

LAURA: Can you ask her if she knows Vin Diesel?

BLAIR: I can do that, but I'm going to kiss her for *just* long enough for you guys to get past her.

LAURA: Thank you.

BLAIR: Then I'm going to go--

LIAM: This is a scientific experiment. If they make a were-skunk after that, you know that it's possible with you and Vin.

LAURA: Yeah.

MATT: Hey, Ringo. How skilled are you at pilfering?

LIAM: I'm all right at that.

MATT: If they maybe were distracted, then we can go and grab that fucking shotgun.

BLAIR: Oh, she'll be distracted. Trust me.

LIAM: Let's go.

BLAIR: I slowly unbend my doll hand.


MARISHA: The two joints pop.

BLAIR: So I can pick up a drink! What are you guys thinking?

MATT: He slowly puts down the ring finger.

LIAM: It's just two doll fingers, right there.

BLAIR: My old lady banging hand is going to haunt me for the rest of my life, dude.

SAM: What are you doing, Bald Paw?

MATT: Two in the granny, one in the fanny.

SAM: Matt Mercer! This is for charity.

TRAVIS: That's easily four cool die right there.


SAM: All right, who's doing what?

BLAIR: I'm going to walk over to this lady, and I'm going to grab her, and I'm going to do some disgusting stuff while you guys sneak past.

SAM: Okay, as you walk over to Jessica, Jessica pulls her shotgun up.

BLAIR: Ah! It's just me! Just me! Look at the hand! It's a doll hand.

SAM: "You scared me there."

BLAIR: Yeah, but you like being scared, though.


SAM: "You know I do."

BLAIR: I told you guys not to watch. So anyway, you want to be scared--

SAM: "What were you doing with those raccoons? They're not going to steal any of my good stuff, are they?"

BLAIR: I've been doing dangerous stuff with those raccoons.

SAM: "Tell me more. If I see any of them--"

BLAIR: Shall I tell you in your mouth? With my mouth?

SAM: "I'm on duty right now."

BLAIR: This is getting-- because it's still Sam, you know what I mean? How do you guys do this?

MARISHA and TRAVIS: Keep going.

LIAM: It's really not--

BLAIR: Eh, Sam, we're doing this thing-- go, go, go! (retching)

SAM: "I'm on duty, I can't right now. I've got to watch out for these parts."

BLAIR: Oh, I've got a duty for you? I got another duty for you?

SAM: As he's trying to distract Jessica--

BLAIR: Look at me! I don't know.

SAM: She's temporarily distracted. You guys see an opening. It's a very deep pit; it's a 15-foot deep pit.

BLAIR: (muffled) Hurry up! I love this.

SAM: There's a makeshift ladder to climb down, if one of you wants to attempt it.

LAURA: Sure, yeah.

SAM: Izzy's going to go down?

LAURA: Yeah.

SAM: Okay, Izzy goes down. As you get to the bottom-- make an alacrity check.

LAURA: I have a really low alacrity.

TRAVIS: Yeah, I know. Hey!

LAURA: Two successes!

SAM: She makes it down there. Anyone else want to join her down there?

TRAVIS: Yeah, I'll go too.

SAM: Okay, because you know car parts. Make an alacrity check?

TRAVIS: Two successes.

SAM: You make it down there.

MARISHA: I'll join as well since these two are staying back.

LIAM: I still got this rocket. I'm going to set it off.

MARISHA: One success.

SAM: As Rhinestone makes her way down the ladder, she gets distracted trying to keep eyes on her dad, and she tilts the ladder back. The ladder falls in with you guys. There is definitely no way out of this pit. You can get a bunch of stuff. Left up above are Reggie Burns and-- what's your name? Ringo. Ringo and Reggie Burns look back over to Jessica and Blair.

BLAIR: I just shit myself again. Just keep doing this. Here we go.

SAM: She keeps pushing him off, but she kind of likes it, but she doesn't, but she kind of likes it. It's getting really weird over there.

LIAM: Listen to me, here's what we're going to do. I got this turbo rocket, all right? I'm going to set it off into the side of that lady's head while he's keeping her busy.

SAM: Is this the turbo rocket from before?

LIAM: Yeah, it's once per race. Is this--?

SAM: This is not a race, but okay, I'll allow it.

LIAM: Do we have any cool points?

SAM: Sure.

LAURA: We're out of cool points.

TRAVIS: We just got four from the old granny.

LAURA: From you saying we got it?

SAM: It's been a little while longer. Guys, you start to see the sun starting to peek up.

LAURA: We've got to find those pipes! Quick, find some pipes!

SAM: You do realize from looking around, there are a lot of cool parts down here. You probably could get them out if you chucked them up to your friends up there.

TRAVIS: I also have a grapple hook, so we could throw it up and--

LIAM: I want that shotgun. You use it on those rats, and I use it in my next race. Criss-cross. You scratch my back; I scratch yours.

MATT: For a moment, my mind flashes through all the poor choices I have made with the wrong people, getting entangled in the wrong business and the wrong woman, and I look at this psychotic, sociopathic murderous raccoon and go: Yeah, sure, deal!

SAM: What is your plan?

LIAM: I'm going to send the rocket into the side of granny's head so he can get the shotgun.

SAM: Okay. You're going to do it now?

LIAM: Right now.

SAM: Okay, go for it. Roll a… I guess alacrity? It could be all of them. Let's look at Liam's stats. We'll go with chutzpah, because that's a medium level stat. You're going to have to roll real high to get this, though.

LIAM: I want the shotgun to murder a man. Does that mean it's connected to my--?

SAM: Yes, you get an extra dice.

TRAVIS: You're the Ben Affleck accountant.

LIAM: That is one success.

SAM: The rocket gets lit. It fires off towards Bald Paw and Jessica. She's actually kind of gotten into it now. She's letting him give her this weird skunk hickey.

MATT: A skickey?

SAM: A skickey. Right as she's about to drop the shotgun, a rocket slams into her hut behind her and explodes, shattering the area with all kinds of debris, making a huge loud noise. She throws Bald Paw off of her, cocks her shotgun, and just starts firing. From down below in the pit-- she also flicks a switch next to her. All the floodlights go on.

LAURA: Oh, no!

SAM: Everyone down in the pit gets hit with intense floodlights. You guys are accustomed to the night. You're all instantly blind. You start grabbing stuff, and in a mad dash hurry, you start throwing things up to Reggie Burns, who is still there and has only one hand to catch things, but we'll say it's two for the purposes of this game. You guys are going to throw these things up-- oh, but wait, there's more.

LAURA: We have to be blind?

SAM: No, you guys are okay. You're throwing stuff up. Matt, though, is definitely blind. He's going to have to catch these things as you throw them.

MATT: Oh, no!

SAM: Whatever you catch, you keep. Ready?

LAURA: One, two, three!

MATT: You have to tell me when you're throwing it! Come on!

SAM: Do you want these items?


SAM: The raccoons are tossing up items. You should probably tell him when to catch.

TRAVIS: One, two, three, catch!

SAM: Nope! Tell him when to catch.

TRAVIS: Okay, catch on four. One, two, three, four!

ALL: Aw!

LAURA: One, two, three!

ALL: Oh!

TRAVIS: One, two, three, four.

LAURA: One, two, three.

ALL: Oh!

TRAVIS: Okay, Matt, cup both of your hands underneath and I'm going to lob it in there. Ready and catch!


TRAVIS: Oh! Bring the palms of your hands into your chest so you get a little backboard!

LAURA: Yeah, that's good.

BLAIR: Oh, smart.

TRAVIS: One, two, three.

MARISHA: So close!

LAURA: Okay, one, two-- wait, one, two, three!

LIAM: Be a basketball hoop.

TRAVIS: One, two, three, catch.

LAURA: Oh god! One, two, three!

SAM: Marisha, get in on this. Toss one!

TRAVIS: One, two, three, catch.

LAURA: No! This is so hard! One, two, three! Shit.

MARISHA: Okay! Okay, ready, babe? I need you to grab your chest when we're-- okay, ready? One, two, three, go!


MATT: This is ridiculous.

TRAVIS: One, two, three, go.

MARISHA: Okay. One, two, three, throwing. Oh, I hit a boom mike.

LAURA: One, two, three.

LIAM: I mean--


SAM: He got one! Okay, give me that one, thank you.

TRAVIS: One, two--

BLAIR: No, that's too big! That one's too big. Don't throw that one.


SAM: Oh!

LAURA: One, two, three.

SAM: Oh! Marisha.

MARISHA: One, two, three. Goddamn it!

LIAM: I mean, this is why I went to acting school.

LAURA: This is so hard.

SAM: Take a few more. That's the one he caught already!

LAURA: One, two, three. Shit. That's the one he's caught. One, two, three.


SAM: And just because it's fun, Liam, you try a couple.

LAURA: One, two, three, shit.


ALL: Aw!

SAM: I'll count it!

ALL: Yeah!

MARISHA:, two--

LAURA: Yeah!

SAM: Okay, that's five things. The sun is fully up. She's reloaded her shotgun.

MATT: Hey!

TRAVIS: Don't take the fucking bag off.

SAM: You can take bag off your head.

MATT: Do I have to?

SAM: You don't have to.

MARISHA: Are these bingo balls?

SAM: They're ping pong balls that I numbered with a Sharpie.

LAURA: That's so fun! Can we just play that the rest of the night?

SAM: Oh, look at this! You got this one, that's great!

LIAM: Matt looks ready for the Purge.

BLAIR: Oh man.

LAURA: Oh my god.

SAM: Shotgun blasts are going on all around you. You guys better hightail it, or you're going to get shot.

LAURA: We're running! I'm running!

SAM: You're running.

LAURA: I'm going to help Reggie carry some stuff though once we get out.

SAM: Okay, great. You guys make your way out of the dumpster in one piece. A little heartbroken, a little embarrassed.

MATT: A little?!

SAM: And without your rocket anymore.

LIAM: Or my shotgun.

SAM: Or your shotgun. It went away. I forgot that chapter was called Greed for Speed. We'll move on to Chapter Four: Days of Blunder. Or Plunder? I don't know. With a pile of new parts and whatever old decals and spray paint you scrounged up, the six of you have driven back to the workshop. The workshop is an old storehouse in the bottom of the Howitt Club, a pulsing discotech that's just above you. You hear the music throbbing from the ceiling. Now you can work on your ride. Let's see the items that you got.


LAURA: This is exciting.

SAM: You got a bag of sand. Someone should right some of these things down.


SAM: Bag of sand.

TRAVIS: I got it.

BLAIR: I don't have a pencil.

SAM: A small sail and mast.


LAURA: Ooh. That's a lot.

SAM: It's from a small sailboat. Okay, number 16: flame decals.

LAURA: Tight.

SAM: Number 12 is barbecue tools: tongs, skewers, and kerosene.


SAM: And number 22, and I shit you not, is a fully loaded, brand new, in-box PS4.

BLAIR: What are the actual odds?!

SAM: Which we're going to be giving one of these away later tonight.

BLAIR: This one right here. This isn't live right? Right here.


MARISHA: It's a Sam Riegel problem.

SAM: Definitely tune in later when we give away that brand new PS4.

MATT: Can I hear that list one more time?

TRAVIS: Huh? Bag of sand. We got a sail and a mast-- or a snail and a mast-- flame decals, barbecue tools, including a thing of kerosene, and an actual PS4.

MATT: The flame decals are all we need.

SAM: As you open the brand new, in-box PS4, stuck to the bottom of it is an old, used T-shirt cannon, Liam. You can have that. There's an old T-shirt cannon. It might work for something, I don't know.

LAURA: It's almost as good as a rocket.

LIAM: Or a shotgun, yeah, same thing.

TRAVIS: I hope you finally kill a human, you sick bastard.

MARISHA: Maybe one of us can fit inside of it.

LAURA: Are you jealous of me that I actually killed one?

LIAM: Huh?

LAURA: Nothing.

SAM: Now you can work on your ride. You can change the look of it. I can't change the figurine, but you can tell me what you want it to look like. You can reconfigure things. You can add things to the outside, platforms, anything you want to do. Is there anything you'd like to tweak for this vehicle for the big race?

BLAIR: You should tell us four more car parts that we should put on it. Just off the top of your head.

SAM: You have a ball peen--

BLAIR: Mm-hmm. That's a car part. Wink.

SAM: You have a rim rack.

BLAIR: Yeah, definitely.

SAM: You have spinners.

TRAVIS: Actually a thing.

SAM: And you have...nox. You have nitrous oxide.

TRAVIS: Yeah! You watched the movie, all right.

SAM: Yeah, and you've got some parts in your shop--

TRAVIS: It's actually NOS, but whatever.

SAM: Sure. You've got some parts in the workshop. There's some old car parts, there's some old semi-pulled apart cars that you can scavenge around and get some extra seats or new seats or new tires, whatever you want to try to do.

MATT: What I'd like to do is take all of the now melted ice cream, if there was ice cream in the--

SAM: Oh, for sure, yeah.

MATT: Yeah, and put it all into one of the big tubs and situate it so that there's a pipe release, so if we need to, we can spray the back of the road behind us with liquid ice cream.

SAM: Great. All right, you've got an ice cream slick.

MARISHA: I feel like if we take the sandbag and we use it to dump in other people's gas and oil tanks, we might be able to sabotage them.

LAURA: Before the race.

TRAVIS: Very true.

LAURA: I like it.

TRAVIS: I want--

LIAM: I want-- go ahead.

TRAVIS: No, please.

LIAM: I want to do two things. I want to start to combine-- jury rig the kerosene and the T-shirt cannon together.

SAM: To make a flamethrower or something that will shoot objects?

LIAM: A rocket launcher.

SAM: Okay, rocket launcher.

LIAM: And I want to download Forza and start practicing.

SAM: Okay, great, got it.

TRAVIS: I will definitely, and not in any interesting way, take the mast and attach it to the top of the fucking thing along with the sail. Run a line down into the cabin to be opened at any time.

MATT: That's not a bad idea, and in the interim when we're doing this work, it'd be kind of nice if all of us spend a few days to focus really hard on Twisted Metal Black and a few other games here on the PS4. I mean, if we got it, we might as well use it.

MARISHA: Need for Speed.

LAURA: I'm going to redesign the outside of it and put flame decals instead of the ice cream cones, and a giant face of Vin Diesel on the top.

SAM: Ooh, Vin Diesel face.

TRAVIS: Scratch that. Instead of putting the mast on the top of the car, I'm actually going to run it horizontally through the car so at one point, we can slide it out and unfurl the sail, blocking the view of the car next to us.

LAURA: Much smarter.

SAM: Amazing idea.

LAURA: That leaves more room for my Vin Diesel papier-mache head on the top anyway.

LIAM: Oh! I take the rest of the barbecue tools-- the tongs, all that stuff-- and I want to jam it into free spaces in the sides of the tires so that we can drive up and pop wheels.


SAM: Yes, barbecue wheels.

MATT: Ringo, you're so smart.

TRAVIS: I thought for sure you were going to file them down into a shank or something.

LAURA: Do we have anything else? Is that all of our stuff?

BLAIR: I have one thing. I have this locket that your mother gave me; it's a picture of us having sex. It's probably the most valuable thing I own. Actually, it's like this. That's my weird hand.

MARISHA: It's beautiful.

BLAIR: I'm sure this will come in handy at some point in the race-- I don't know how yet, but, I'm sure it will find its way into the story.

MARISHA: (crying) Why did you leave me, Dad? How long have you been following me on Animalgrams?

BLAIR: Your mother left me and--



BLAIR: I don't follow you on Animalgrams.

MARISHA: Then how did you know who I was when you saw me?

BLAIR: Because--

MARISHA: If you don't follow me?

BLAIR: I can tell that you're really a skunk.

MARISHA: (gasps)

BLAIR: I saw it from the moment you walked in. I rip all of her fur off and she's a fucking skunk under the fur.

MARISHA: Holy shit!

BLAIR: You're a skunk!

MARISHA: That is really extreme and abusive!

BLAIR: I don't know how animals work either, just like I don't know how this game works.

MATT: That's surprisingly Cronenberg-esque.


TRAVIS: How do you explain your opposable thumbs?

BLAIR: I rip her thumbs off too! Those were fake thumbs like my fake doll hand!

MARISHA: Everything is a lie, just like the filters I put on my photos!

LAURA: You won't even be able to text now!

MARISHA: (gasps)

SAM: At that moment, Goober realizes that the doors of the garage have been closed and you guys have been huffing carbon dioxide for a long time and seeing some crazy shit happen. Carbon monoxide.


SAM: I don't know anything!

TRAVIS: Oh, the plants in here are fucking wicked! (deep breath)

BLAIR: They're creating so much oxygen!

SAM: You guys are having some hallucinations over there. I'm not sure what's real and what isn't at this point, but let's just go with it.

MARISHA: Am I bald? I don't know.

SAM: He pops open the door. You guys seem to come back to your senses. You feel like you do have thumbs, at least.

BLAIR: Your mother and I just parted ways.


BLAIR: I don't know what the fuck I was talking about. I'm really sorry I tried to rip your skin off. I don't know what I was thinking.

MARISHA: It seems like a lot of anger just being projected.

BLAIR: Yeah, I've been living in a dumpster by myself for a very long time.

LIAM: I'm wafting fresh air towards them from the outside.

SAM: Good, we're okay. Over the next few days, you start working on the car. Izzy notices-- actually, after you lifted up the old garage door there, that across the street, she sees a little twinkle of light. It's a movie theater that's right across the street playing a weird week-long marathon of movies. It's Fast and Furious. It's XXX.

LIAM: What about Pitch Black?

SAM: It's Riddick. Pitch Black.

LIAM: Yeah.

SAM: The Pacifier. Big part in Saving Private Ryan.

TRAVIS and LIAM: Yeah.

SAM: Let's say...Knock Around? That's a movie that he did.


SAM: And Iron Giant? He was in Iron Giant?

ALL: He was the Iron Giant!

SAM: Oh shit, I didn't know that!

MATT: Yeah!

MARISHA: Really?

LAURA: What about Guardians of the Galaxy?

TRAVIS: Yeah. Groot?

SAM: No, they're not showing that one.

LIAM: Never heard of it.

MARISHA: They couldn't get the licensing deal.

TRAVIS: Marvel's expensive.

SAM: But they are playing Riddick: Blindsided.

LAURA: Are they playing CelebriD&D?

TRAVIS: Oh, deep cut!

LIAM: Boom!

MATT: They are playing The Last Witch Hunter because he [inaudible].

SAM: Izzy disappears for most of this, but she has a great week. To find out how much of these tweaks to your car are going to stick, we're going to have to go to the mechanic of the group.


SAM: We're going to have to ask you a mechanic quiz to make sure that your knowledge of car stuff is as good as you say it is.

TRAVIS: Oh fuck. Let's do it.

LIAM: Learn from the master.

SAM: Travis: A shorter exhaust pipe would be louder or quieter than a longer one?

TRAVIS: Louder.

SAM: One correct answer. The coin test for tires involves placing a penny in the deepest tread of your tire with the Lincoln head facing the wheel. How much of the president should be covered for you to have a safe and road-legal tire? Is it everything above his nose, everything above his chin, or as long as any part of his face is showing you're okay?

TRAVIS: Everything above his chin?

SAM: Incorrect! Any part of his face can be showing for that tire test.


MATT: Goob. Don't fuck us, Goob!

SAM: You got to get two more right.


SAM: Which would be the least likely to have interchangeable parts? The least likely. Toyota and Lexus? Volkswagen and Audi? BMW and Mercedes?

TRAVIS: BMW and Mercedes.

SAM: Correct!

TRAVIS: Toyota and Lexus are the same company.

SAM: Hmm, let me find a hard one.

TRAVIS: No, don't make it hard, motherfucker! Next on the list!

SAM: U-joints are used to connect: A. The car door to the body. B. One spinning shaft to another. C. Oh shit, I didn't write down the correct answer.

TRAVIS: One spinning shaft to another.

SAM: I didn't write down what the answer was!


TRAVIS: That's a gimme!

SAM: That's a gimme! You guys passed!


BLAIR: You did it, Goob!

TRAVIS: Woo! I made my dad proud.

MARISHA: You made it with a technicality error. Yay!

TRAVIS: What was the last question?

SAM: It was so easy. What does pole position refer to? Finishing first, finishing last, or starting first?

TRAVIS: The stripper.

MATT: I think it refers to the greatest game of the old school gaming circuit.

TRAVIS: Indeed.

BLAIR: I love it.


SAM: All right.

MATT: One of the greatest commercials for a video game out there, by the way.

SAM: Chapter Five: Fast and Loose Ends. You've been tweaking your ride for days. Izzy disappeared, and all of a sudden-- ahem. Reggie Burns steps away for a late night smoke. He sees a familiar face.

MATT: (smoking, gasps)


SAM: "How're you doing?" It's Big Paulie. A somewhat large rat, though much smaller than you, approaches. He's flanked by his two rat goons, Medium Paulie and Slightly Shorter Paulie, each holding very tiny, adorable sub-machine guns.

MARISHA: Oh my god, that's so cute.

BLAIR: Would they be rat-ling guns?

ALL: Oh!

BLAIR: I'm a dad!

TRAVIS: (laughing) I'm a dad.

BLAIR: I'm a dad.

MATT: I shakily put out my cigarette. (stammering) Hey, Paulies! How's it going?

SAM: "I hear you're in the big race, Reggie Burns. You're not going to win, you understand me?"

MATT: (stammering) What makes you say that? I mean, I got the right kind of talent-- we're working hard!

SAM: "You're not going to win. I got another way you can pay me back. I want you to take out the driver of the white car by any means necessary. I want him dead." I don't know what this accent is. "You'll know who I mean. He's a good-looking fella, bald head. Drive dirty, do whatever it takes. End him and his car, and your debt will be wiped clean. And if you don't, I won't stop at killing you. I'll kill Maxine as well."

MATT: No, not Maxine!

SAM: "Yeah! We've already got her. Little Paulie-- or Slightly Shorter Paulie, show them a picture!" He flashes his phone; Maxine looks fine!

MATT: That's actually a really good picture; it's good lighting.

BLAIR: She took the selfie with a camera angle.

MATT: It's a nice above angle too, so, you know, it doesn't show the chin-line. No! Okay, Paulie, whatever it takes. I'll do this for you.

SAM: "All right. I hope I've established enough conflict. I'm going to leave now."


SAM: Chapter Six: Furry Road. You're in an industrial section of El Segundo. Cars are everywhere, tensions are high. Fellas are dressed to the nines; ladies wear their fanciest nighttime duds. There's even a few low-level celebrities who've come out to watch. The Situation is there, from Jersey Shore. Dane Cook has shown up. It's a bit of a scene, just a bit.

BLAIR: It's a prop comedy show.

SAM: Grecian settles down the crowd gathered at the starting line. He introduces the racers. "Welcome to the R.O.D.E.N.T. championships. Tonight, you'll be racing to the LAX runway number six." From the crowd, somebody says, "There ain't no runway number six," and Grecian says, "I know. It's still under construction. You're going to be the first to make it to the end of that runway, and one of you is going to become a legend. Now, let's introduce you guys. In the green car, Victor von Vroom."

MATT: While this is being set up, I'm reapplying the beard and glasses of the disguise that I have, and like: Quick, back into the coat!

LAURA: Oh, right!

LIAM: All right, get up top.

SAM: Shit, where's my other cars? Oh, yeah, here it is: Sass-car! An adorable little mini roadster racer. Coming into the vehicle's an equally cute young racer-- she has pigtails and a poodle skirt; she's cute as a button. As she approaches her car, she flips everybody off and moons the crowd.

MARISHA: No one's looks cuter than I am.

SAM: Where's the other one? I've lost all the racers. It's okay, guys, I'm a professional Dungeons and Dragons player. Nope, not there. Here they are. Yes! Where's Mother Trucker?

MARISHA and TRAVIS: Mother Trucker!

SAM: Where is he? He's gone! Here he is! No! I can't find him. I've got to go to my bag of tricks-- here's Mother Trucker, a tweaked out GMC pickup that looks steady, but slow, but very firm. Next is actual Vin Diesel.


SAM: With paparazzi flanking him, he gets out of a limo, walks across the street, and gets into a souped-up-- I forgot to-- what is that?

TRAVIS: That's movie-accurate, it was a Supra.

SAM: It was a Supra? Good, I looked it up, for sure. Oh yeah, it's got a super-charged engine. He looks super fine. He looks straight over at you, Izzy, and does some finger guns.

LAURA: In the arm sleeve.

BLAIR: Your one arm falls.

MATT: Izzy, come on!

SAM: Next up, you've got the champion, a.k.a. Roadkill. He's an enormous dude in a brown velour jumpsuit. He steps into a yellow and blue customized Ferrari, with claws on front, its hood ornamented with a raccoon skull.

TRAVIS: Fucking dick.

LIAM: Ringo's toothy snout pokes through between two buttons at the navel of our fake costume and goes (growl).

SAM: He stares back at you for a second, and for a little moment, you look into his eyes, and they flash yellow. Something is different about Roadkill. He grins at you, and you know that he knows that you know that he knows that you know that he killed your cousin.

LIAM: Scraps!

SAM: And our last racer, this guy on a motorcycle!

LIAM: Winner!

SAM: Oh wait, where was you? I'm sorry, I forgot, the very last racer! What was your guys' names again?

MARISHA: Mr. Fasty!

SAM: No, what was your name there?

MATT and MARISHA: Sprocket!

SAM: "Sprocket, riding Mr. Fasty!" Mr. Fasty comes out to the starting line, looking way better and way more souped-up than it used to be.

MARISHA: Now, before we take off, can I try and take some time to take my sandbags and go in and maybe dump some sand in cars too?

SAM: Sure. Let's go ahead and make that an alacrity check. Which car would you like to focus on?

MARISHA: Definitely Victor von Vroom because he fucked us last time.

SAM: There's a coffin in the middle of the road. We're not at the airport yet; we're in the streets just outside of the airport.

TRAVIS: Even better. Like El Segundo, littered with coffins.

SAM: Yeah, for sure, there are. Just say there's a knocked-over car over here, why not? All right. Make an alacrity check. You're doing Victor von Vroom?

MARISHA: Victor von Vroom. That's two successes.

SAM: You definitely get to unscrew the gas cap of his car.

TRAVIS: Yes, there you go.

MARISHA: Shouldn't be proud of that. You shouldn't.

BLAIR: How do you put gas in your car, everyone? How does that work for you?

MATT: He has a man who does that for him.

TRAVIS: "Sir!" There is that button on the side of gas stations that says "ring for attendants."

BLAIR: Sam has been walking everywhere since the second week he owned a car when he was sixteen because he has not figured out--

MATT: "Sir, can you feed my car?"

SAM: What are these gas stations you speak of? I've gone to gas valets, where you just sit there and wait and eventually someone comes out who will fill you up to get rid of you.

MARISHA: Because you're blocking traffic to the gas pump.


SAM: You definitely get plenty of sand in there. Victor von Vroom turns around right at the last second, but all he sees is a shadow disappear. All right. The cars are all starting their engines and getting ready for the big race. You're on North Center Street right now; you kind of know where you're going. At the appropriate time, Grecian flicks a switch, and 150 highway flares light up down the streets in front of you, illuminating the path of the race as it twists and turns. Tensions are high. The hearts in your tiny little bodies are probably beating at, I don't know, 200 beats per minute now? Up from the normal 180 that they probably are at?

TRAVIS: That's pretty damn fast (fast heartbeat).

SAM: Well I mean they're tiny little hearts (drumming heartbeat). Anything you want to prepare before this race begins?

MARISHA: Can I get online and see if I can dox any of the drivers that are there?

SAM: Sure.

MARISHA: This is what I have; I've got a phone!

SAM: She goes on the dark web; she puts out a contract real quick-- it's actually really easy; you don't even have to roll for it. It happens.

MARISHA: I mean, you just need a bit link, it's really great.

MATT: As this is happening, I'm going to jump out to the side to where the barbecue utensils are placed in the side of the wheels. I'm going to pull off whatever is the sharpest looking tongs or fork and slip it and hide it into my cast.

LIAM: Strong.

TRAVIS: Nasty.

BLAIR: I've not been able to move past my terrible wreck where I lost my arm, and human Blair is too drunk to create some beautiful moment with his daughter, so I'll just say we had a wonderful moment where I told her how much I loved her, I've inspired her, et cetera, et cetera. I rip off my doll hand, put it on the hood of the ice cream truck, and I pull the middle finger, and that's on the front of the car.

MATT: That's amazing.

MARISHA: Oh my god. Wait, Dad, let's take a selfie in front of it.

SAM: You got a cool point for that.

MARISHA: Hang on, I'm going to actually take this selfie, now that we're doing this, just because it's here.

LIAM: I'm going to grab the PS4 controller and loop it around my shoulder like a noose.

SAM: Oh, I know what you're up to. You're hungry for man blood.

MARISHA: I'm going to post that pic of us, it's really important.

LAURA: I'm going to put on some lipstick.

SAM: Sure. Great.

TRAVIS: Just in case?

SAM: You find some in the glove compartment; it's bubblegum flavor.

TRAVIS: Did the Golden Gate Bridge appear on the fucking El Segundo?

SAM: We'll get to that. At the start of the race, Grecian steps forward in front of all the cars, takes out his flag, and raises it up, starting the race! I think I'm going to need you all to lock in your answers about what you want to do.

MATT: We should explain the-- if you recall--

BLAIR: Oh, I'm not in the car anymore. No, I stepped out, I couldn't do it, so we had that moment, that three to four minute moment.

SAM: Feel free to step in the car whenever you want, you can be a part of this.

BLAIR: Yeah, I'm just on the sideline right now, I haven't been able to move past it. Perhaps something happens where I'll jump in later.

MATT: Here's what we'll do. As you're waiting there, you realize that when they closed the back of the ice cream truck, part of your tail got caught in the back doors. You don't realize yet that you might be dragged along.


BLAIR: Yeah, but also this makes sense, so, okay. It's fine, I'm okay with it.

LIAM: It's a long, awkward goodbye.

BLAIR: I'm a skunk that's been living in a dumpster. What do I have to live for?

SAM: All right, lock in your answers, this race is about to start. On the count of three, show me what you got. One, two, three, go!




MATT: Two.

LIAM: Two.


TRAVIS: You fucking...

MARISHA: We should have just let Travis steer; he was doing great at it before!

SAM: Five, two, two, two. We got one more person in there, right?

LIAM: I said two.

TRAVIS: Holy fuck, we're going the wrong way!

MARISHA: Wait, does that mean we're going--?

BLAIR: Well, you've got to do the math, right?

SAM: They're 30 degree turns.

LIAM: How many twos?


SAM: As Grecian steps away, all the cars start to move forward, except the green one. Black smoke sputters out of his engine. He can't seem to get it going; he sputters to a stop right at the start line. Everyone else takes off at a blistering speed, including guy in motorcycle. Everyone is confused as to why he's there. You guys take off at a blistering acceleration and turn and turn and turn, and you guys are facing this way. You weirdly miss Victor von Vroom and are facing the wrong way. There's a crowd of people back here watching the race and you are headed straight for them-- not very fast, only about ten miles an hour. I'll roll...and weirdly, as you go around Victor von Vroom, he clips your wheel and you guys suffer a damage point.

MARISHA: What?! Come on!

MATT: All right, we're at nine health.

SAM: You guys are not off to a great start, but the race continues. As you see the other cars blazing down the tracks, fighting with each other for pole position, Sass-car cuts in and skids with Mother Trucker. There's already some contact; they fall behind. These guys have moved a little bit into the lead. I don't know what Roadkill's going to do when he gets to that car, we'll find out the next round! What do you guys want to do?

LAURA: Can we use a cool point--

SAM: You have one to spend.

LAURA: --and spin around completely and start going-- whip it around.

MARISHA: There's that whole reverse thing you were talking about, too!

SAM: Izzy finishes putting on her lipstick, tosses it in the back, and spins the wheel around, hard left, into the turn, which does an amazing doughnut, spinning you all the way around, twice, narrowly hitting all the spectators, and then you're off to the races. The paparazzi goes crazy. Dane Cook pisses his pants.

MATT: Again!

BLAIR: It's a bit, you guys!

SAM: The Situation just goes, "Eyy," because I don't know anything about The Situation. All right, lock in your answers for this next round. What would you like to do? Go for it.

BLAIR: I am just a dangling corpse on the back of a truck.

SAM: Oh yeah, you can figure out what you want to do, too, Blair.


BLAIR: I've just been in an aggressive 720 degree spin hanging out of the back of an ice cream truck.

SAM: All right, you got your numbers?


LAURA: Five.

MATT: Five.

LIAM: Two.

SAM: Another left turn! Everybody skitters down to the bottom and slams on the accelerator. It kicks into full gear. You guys are already making way and catching up to these other two cars. Vin Diesel did an amazing move to spin around this car. Roadkill blasts into this car, flipping it, no problem-- it's like he's impervious. Guy in motorcycle gets hit by this car and dies instantly. He should never have been in the race; I miscounted.

LIAM: He didn't even have a name!

SAM: You guys are going super fast and you turn a little bit just to narrowly avoid the coffin in the street.

LAURA: Oh, the coffin. Nice, good job, Liam.

LIAM: Yeah, that's what I was doing, sure.

MATT: (counting) So we're now at 50 miles an hour.

SAM: Okay, I will roll five, but also, Blair, what are you trying to do, hanging on for dear life at the back of an ice cream truck?

BLAIR: I'm still surviving. I'll make an impact at some point, but I'm still staying--

SAM: Ooh guys, you just got four cool points for that.

MARISHA: Wait, so how many do we have?

LAURA: We have four.

SAM: What are you trying to do? You're staying put.

BLAIR: I'm still dangling. I'm enjoying watching this happen. Because what you guys don't understand, I'm also a fan of you guys, and so if anything, this whole charity thing has just gotten me a front-row ticket to watching your show. I'm going to take advantage of that while I have the opportunity to do so.

TRAVIS: You were on the ass end of two entire 360s, so I mean, you're pulling some G-forces out there.

BLAIR: That's okay. I'm a fictional skunk. It's okay.

SAM: Sass-car sees you fast approaching and turns around, flips you guys off-- and sees that you're a rather hairy individual-- uses her sassy skills to throw an insult at you. She says, "You're so hairy, when you were born, you gave your mom a rug burn." I need you all to roll for rotundity to see if you can withstand the insult.

MATT: How dare she!

LAURA: Two successes!

TRAVIS: Failure.

LIAM: Three successes.

MATT: Three successes.

MARISHA: One success.

SAM: Okay. Goober, this hits you real hard. You've been told your whole life that you're hairier than a normal raccoon. That's why you always retreated to your workshop to work in the dark. You have hairy paws, hairier than normal.

TRAVIS: I let go of the accelerator to look at my hands.

SAM: Oh, you guys slow down just a little bit. She's so good!

LIAM: You've never perfected the art of raccoon-scaping.

SAM: Mother Trucker has released, from the back of his truck, a whole bunch of sharp junk-- we'll say knives. Boxes of knives! You guys are going to have to either swerve to avoid or just barrel through these knives on your next round, which is coming up right now. Lock in those answers. What do you got? Three, two, one!

TRAVIS: Three.

LAURA: Five.

LIAM: Five.


MATT: Five.

SAM: Okay, three accelerations, a turn left.

TRAVIS: A turn right!

SAM: A turn right, to avoid the knives, which were right here. You guys barely avoid the knives. Let's see if one clips you guys because you guys are going pretty fast now. Okay, two knives tear into the side of the car. One wheel is looking a little raggedy-- you got three hit points now-- and you're also at, wow, eight cool points to do amazing stuff with! Who was six?


SAM: What would you like to do, Rhinestone?

MARISHA: Can I use those cool points and be like: Reggie, hold my tail! And reach down and grab two of those knives that have just embedded into our wheels?

SAM: Sure. Reggie, can you make an alacrity check-- no, strength check-- ferociousness check to see if you can hold onto her as she dangles.

MATT: I got you, Rhinestone! Fuck!


MATT: Out of four dice, one, one, one, three. All failures.

SAM: Okay, he's definitely got you firmly. You hang out of the car, you grab one knife, but pulling it out, the leverage is too tough. Pulling out the knife drops you to the ground, and you are now outside the car. Where are my raccoons at? Here's one. As the big ice cream truck pulls away, you are definitely going to be left behind.

MARISHA and BLAIR: (shouting)

SAM: I'm going to automatically burn three cool points. It works.

MARISHA: I love you, Dad!

SAM: Dad reaches out with his claw hand, grasping for your hand. The hands come so close and miss! But the locket is dangling, flapping in the wind, and it grabs onto the locket! By the neck, pulls her back up into the car, into the back of the ice cream truck. We knew it would come back somehow, and it did! Rhinestone is temporarily safe. You guys burned a bunch of cool points; you're down to four cool points now. She burned one to do her thing as well. Okay, and you guys sped up a great deal. You're shooting off in this direction. Everybody else has made a lot of headway. Coming up, as we make this drift behind you, Tokyo-style, you're coming up upon this gate. It doesn't look like many of you can fit through the gate of the LAX airport all at once-- at least, they're all going to try at the same time. You guys are coming up pretty fast on the side.

LAURA: What's on each side of the gate?

SAM: Oh, sorry! Dwarven Forge.

TRAVIS: Oh shit.

LAURA: Solid brick walls?

SAM: Solid brick walls. I don't know why they built this at LAX, but they did. Yep, definitely. Also, there's some orphans, who just so happen to be here.

TRAVIS: Orphans?!

SAM: They're crossing the street to get home.

TRAVIS: They don't have a home. They're orphans!

SAM: They live in the orphanage!

BLAIR: You've been to the Southwest terminal, right?

SAM: You can tell they're orphans because they're all wearing "I'm with Orphans" t-shirts. But yeah, they're adorable; you wouldn't want to hurt them, I hope. All right, on this next move, we'll need to know what you guys are going to do. Lock in your answers. Blair and Marisha, you guys are in the back of the car, I don't think you can participate in this round of driving.

BLAIR: Good, because I haven't been paying attention to how any of this works.

SAM: You're going to make your way back to the front, back inside the vehicle.

MARISHA: Totally.

SAM: Okay, lock in your numbers. Ready? Three, two, one, what are those numbers?



SAM: Turn.

LIAM: Six.

SAM: Action.

MATT: Six.

SAM: Three actions and a turn. You guys are aiming a little bit closer to the entrance of the gate. Everybody else is going to try to slam through it, and, ooh, they can all just fit! Oh wow, amazing!

BLAIR: And Emerson was doing this exact same thing!

SAM: All right, give me your actions, please.

TRAVIS: I'll run down and I'll be like: This is it, (coughs), what the fuck is your name? Ringo! And I'll slide the mast out the left side of the car and extend it as a way for him to get out to jump onto one of the vehicles when we get closer. Also, the sail unfurls, creating a little drag on the left side, allowing us to turn to the left a little bit more.

SAM: All right, hold on.

BLAIR: Oh man, he'll pull out a sailboat.

MARISHA: I know!


MATT: This is amazing!

MARISHA: Did you raid your kids' toys?

LIAM: Of course he did.

BLAIR: They went to bed so sad that night.

SAM: Oh shoot, it's not sticky enough. Crew! Work on this! All right, while that's in motion-- here's some more tape-- this tape doesn't work, use the gaff tape, yeah.

MARISHA: Thanks, Max!

SAM: Thanks. On the side of it, yeah.

TRAVIS: Do I have to roll for that or anything, or it just happens?

SAM: Yeah, go ahead and roll. I don't know, sure, yeah, chutzpah.

TRAVIS: Okay, plus the item dice, and oh shit. One, two, three. Three successes.

SAM: You need a two. That's great. All right, the sail is unfurled. Next action, Ringo, right?

LIAM: Yeah, I take the PS4 controller and I use the cord and I slide out along the entire length of the mast and try to aim my improvised rocket launcher at the asshole.

MARISHA: That's some Jack Sparrow shit.

SAM: All right, are you going to try to fire?

LIAM: Yes.

SAM: Who's the asshole?

LIAM: Roadkill.

SAM: Roadkill. Okay, cool. Just wanted to make sure.

LIAM: I mean, Vin Diesel a little bit. But mostly Roadkill.

SAM: All right, are you going to fire?

LIAM: I loved Pitch Black.

SAM: Are you firing?

LIAM: Yes.

SAM: Okay, go ahead and roll for… I don't know. Matt, how do I do this?

LIAM and TRAVIS: Ferociousness?

SAM: Ferociousness? It's not really strength. But it is fierce, yeah, go for ferociousness.

LIAM: And the rules say: An extra die if it's part of your story, and two extra dies if it's the core of your story.

SAM: It certainly is. Yeah, this is going to be a really hard shot; you're going to need to get three successes here.

LIAM: Zero.

TRAVIS: No! Are you serious? That is four twos, a three, and a one. Oh my god. On six dice!

SAM: Wow, all right. The rocket is expertly aimed and fires straight at Roadkill. But in his rearview mirror, he sees it coming. His heads-up display actually warns him of it. He hits a couple of buttons, and, we'll say, a catcher's mitt comes out from behind it in the back of his car. Catches it and redirects it towards one of the other cars. It's headed right for Vin Diesel!


SAM: Let's see if it hits.

LIAM: So in a way, it was a success!

SAM: Fails.

TRAVIS: Oh, thank god.

SAM: The rocket shoots off past Vin Diesel towards the orphans!


SAM: Misses the orphans, still looking for a source of heat, finds Guy in Motorcycle. Boom.

MARISHA: Fuck you, Guy!

MATT: He's crawling his way out of the wreckage.

TRAVIS: [inaudible]

LIAM: I think I beat the odds!

MATT: Can I take my action?

SAM: Yes. Go ahead, action.

MATT: Looking at this and seeing, one, probably the fact that we won't clear the bridge--

SAM: Well, this is on a side.

MATT: I know, but even so. I'm going to go, (wavering). I'm going to rush to the back because you mentioned in the very beginning that there was a can of nitrous that was attached to the back of this, right?

TRAVIS: I did, yeah.

MATT: I'm going to attempt to detonate the nitrous towards the back to see if I can cause us to jump over the gate.

SAM: Amazing, okay.

MATT: If I can use any cool points to help out with this--

LIAM: All the cool points!

SAM: Okay, using all the cool points will make this a lower DC, but you're still going to have to roll for it. You can choose the stat.

MATT: Oh, it's going to be ferociousness.

SAM: Ferociousness. All right.

MATT: Come on. Maxine! I'm coming for you!

SAM: Oh, you're calling out Maxine's name? You get another extra dice.

LIAM: This is going to be in slow motion.

MARISHA: Witness me!

MATT: Two successes!

SAM: Two is what you needed.


SAM: I definitely was holding up two fingers.

TRAVIS: Two is what you needed.

SAM: There's a huge explosion at the back of the ice cream truck. It flips up, over, Free Willy style. Over, and over, and over. You raccoons have never felt g-forces like this ever before, and never will again, as you come down, in the lead!


LIAM: As the car flipped, Ringo, like those swirly Ferris wheels, also did additional ring-arounds on the mast.

SAM: You guys are currently in the lead. There's a big turn coming up that we should probably highlight somehow. It's a hairpin turn, guys. Let's see how you guys can deal with this.

LAURA: We've got a map and everything!

SAM: There's all sorts of construction equipment.

MARISHA: We made it on the Five! Oh no!

TRAVIS: Remember where you placed everything when you were designing this level.

SAM: Sure, sure. I definitely know what I'm doing.

LIAM: Where's the dick-shaped hallway and the pepper shaker?

SAM: And orphans too.


TRAVIS: Isn't there a curfew in this orphanage?

MATT: Orphan day at LAX.

SAM: It's take your orphan to work day. You guys are coming up on this construction vehicle. You're going to have to probably swerve to avoid it. Also, you can see Roadkill is arming some sort of weapon, so just be prepared for that on this next roll through.

MATT: Now, if we're moving 80--

SAM: 50? We'll say 50 right now.

MATT: Yeah, because we're landing. 50.

SAM: You took two more damage points, but got two more cool points. You're at five damage. If you get to ten, then your car will stop and you'll have to fix it. Okay, that big jump took a little bit out of the car. The back suspension is looking pretty ragged. One of the wheels is teetering on the brink of falling off.

MARISHA: It's weird when he knows things.

SAM: Also, the ramshaft is un-rammed.

BLAIR: We're back to what I thought.

SAM: The Detroit Pistons are firing. Okay, what would you like to do on this next round? Please, dial in your answers. By now, Rhinestone and Bald Paw have reached the front, and you could help in this steering.

BLAIR: What do I do here?

MATT: You pick a number on the dice to put face up of what you want to do.

BLAIR: Cool.

SAM: Can I have some water? (laughs) A lot of talking when you do this.

MATT: Yeah, hey man. You're doing great.

SAM: Jesus. Let's reveal the answers right now. What have you got?



LAURA: Oh, shit.

BLAIR: Five.

LAURA: Okay, at least one of us is--

MATT: Six.

SAM: As Goober hits the brakes, Bald Paw sidles up next to him and leans, looking at his work, and hits the accelerator. You guys are--

BLAIR: This is going to do nothing!

SAM: -- causing some herky-jerky motions.

TRAVIS: Try steering someone into the rear of the vehicle.

SAM: Uh-huh, and a whole bunch of sixes. What would you like the sixes to do, guys? I'll start with Laura Bailey. Thank you.

LAURA: I want to pop open the back door, and use that melted ice cream that we talked about, and pour it out so that it makes an oil slick on the ground. While I do it, I want to go and make eyes at Vin Diesel, with my belly hanging out because I only got the shirt. I don't have any pants, so it's just a crop top tied. So I'm like--

SAM: Vin Diesel, trying to focus on the road, looks up at you and for a moment--

LAURA: Like a pregnant belly.

SAM: -- sees your pregnant raccoon belly and is momentarily intrigued. Instinctively-- because if you do this to Vin Diesel, he will instinctively do it back, so he does it back. He tries to fight it, but he feels weird about it. But you guys definitely had a moment. The ice cream falls out of the back of the vehicle--

LAURA: With the two of them. Remember, I was like--

SAM: Oh, you're making it a wider spray? All right, I'll say it's this wide. You're going to get the front of one of Vin's wheels and both of Mother Trucker's wheels. All right, we'll see what they do on the next move. Liam, what was your action?

LIAM: I'm still holding on to the PS4 controller, looping around and around. I want to use the momentum to whip it free, and fly through the air, and land on top of Roadkill's car. That's his name.

SAM: Okay, that's a big jump. You'll have to get at least the number I'm holding up right now. (whispers) There's nothing.

LIAM: I'm going to say it's chutzpah, plus two because it's the core of my story.

SAM: Oh yes, and if you'd like to use some cool points, I'll take this down from a three to a two.

LIAM: I will use a cool point.

SAM: Okay, you'll use both cool points. You're down to zero again.

MARISHA: Zero cool points?

SAM: Yes. No, just one cool point.

TRAVIS: (shouting) Zero. Zero again. Five dice! Zero. Stop trying to kill him!

LIAM: (screaming)

SAM: Ringo flies through the air towards Roadkill.

LIAM: Sometimes there's character deaths, guys.

LAURA: No, you can't die. We can't die.

SAM: Yeah, raccoons can't die in this game.

MATT: It's in the rules.

BLAIR: It tells us so much more about the game's creator, doesn't it.

TRAVIS: Yeah, and we can lose hands, apparently.

SAM: Roadkill, his heads-up display goes haywire. Instinctively, he hits a few buttons and, out of the front of his car, schwings up two claws to catch you in. They're both going to take swipes at you. I'll roll to see if they hit. I don't know. That one misses. That one misses! You dodge both claws, but you do land on the top of his car and are thrown back, barely hanging on by a fin. You're just barely hanging on! You can't do anything from this position but maybe try to get back on. You're not dead. Also, he's turned on his afterburners. You're getting singed again. It does not feel good. Who else had an action over here?


SAM: Okay, what is it?

MARISHA: Okay, I'm going to take the dagger that I scooped up from the road, or the knife, or shrapnel, whatever you said it was. I'm going to throw it at the Exterminator. I'm going to try to go for a tire.

SAM: Mother Trucker?

MARISHA: No, the Exterminator.

SAM: Vin Diesel, Sass Car.

MARISHA: Oh sorry, Sassy, Sass Car. Can't keep track of all the cars. Sass Car.

SAM: Okay, and you're aiming for a tire?

MARISHA: Yeah, I'm trying to throw him off.

SAM: It's going to be a three to hit, unless you use a cool point to knock it down to two.

LAURA: We don't have any cool points!

SAM: Yeah, I've given you one back.

MARISHA: One left. I'll try it! I'm going to take it! Two! No, one success. One success!

SAM: Oh, no. The knife goes errant and flies past the orphans but does not hit any of them. It did not work, I'm so sorry. You guys are going, what did we say? 40? 50?

MATT: Well, I still have an action.

SAM: Oh, you have an action! All right, Matt, what's your action?

MATT: I'd rush to go do the ice cream thing, but see it's already being done. However, what I do see in the distraction is one bald-headed gentlemen who could solve all my problems.

SAM: The guy in the white car.

MATT: However, not having any sort of cabling to give me, I'm going to look at the open back doors that are flapping there. I'm going to turn to Izzy and say: I'm sorry. I got to do what I got to do.

LAURA: What?

MATT: I'm going to leap and grab the door, and use that to swing, and try and leap towards the windshield of Vin Diesel's car.

SAM: This is central to your backstory; you'll get two extra dice. I guess alacrity is what you would--

MATT: Well, as I'm through the air, shink! Just like Assassin's Creed, a barbecue fork comes out of the cast.

SAM: Bonus dice. You'll get at least four dice to roll. You need two to hit.

LAURA: Don't you assassinate my core story!

MATT: (shouting) All failures!

LAURA: (cheering)

BLAIR: It's not always like this, right?

SAM: What is happening? We got a raccoon here. We got a raccoon here. All right, you land on his car, but you can't find purchase. You're hanging off the spoiler, and it's not fun. You look over to Ringo; Ringo looks back at you. You guys are barely hanging on the backs of these cars, not doing anything.

TRAVIS: We're shitty assassins!

LIAM and MATT: (yelling)

SAM: Then you also, guys, you kept going forward straight into this vehicle. It's going to slow you down a bit, but you do manage to crush whatever that was, Fire Truck. These guys all go forward. Roadkill has no problem moving ahead. He's going to take that turn on the inside, no problem. Ringo's right there. Vin Diesel was going to be fine, but he skids out a little bit on the ice cream and also smacks into the back of the fire truck. Mother Trucker does a full 360 spinout, and it keeps going, and he's stuck there. Sass Car around the outside, no problem, she's doing great. You are momentarily hung up on the fire truck. I'm going to put your speed back to, let's say, zero. You're going to have to start over again, but so is Vin Diesel. Next round, get ready for what you want to do, Blair, everybody. Get set. You're going to steer?

LAURA: You can't call out what you're going to do.

SAM: Oh, deduction.

LIAM: Penalty.

LAURA: No conferring, in bold letters.

TRAVIS: What's conferring mean?

LIAM: Telling each other the truth.

SAM: Okay, guys, lock in your answers. Tell me what you want to do on this next round. Go.


LAURA: I'm trying to find the five. Five.

SAM: You always steer.

TRAVIS: No I don't. I took the brakes last time.

LIAM: Six.


MATT: Four.

BLAIR: We are aggressively turning to the left, together.

SAM: How many fives were there? Two fives?

LAURA: Three fives. No, two fives.

SAM: Two fives, so you guys are off the fire truck.

MARISHA: Two twos and a six.

SAM: You turn to the left. Oh, it looks like you're trying to cut off Roadkill as he goes forward.

BLAIR: That was it. That was the move.

SAM: Now, let's go to the actions. Who did four?

MATT: Four is me.

SAM: Okay, what use item would you like to do?

MATT: I'm going to use my barbecue fork to T-1000 my way across the top of the car and try and smash in the windshield.

SAM: It's much easier to do now that the car is momentarily stopped. You'll still need to roll an alacrity check.

MATT: It's alacrity. Do I still get the bonuses from being--

SAM: Oh, yeah, this is your core story, man. Yeah.

MATT: One success.

SAM: That's all you needed. You quickly make your way to the sun roof and pry it open with your good raccoon hand. That is the hand that is also holding the blade, though, so you can't in the same action stab. You see that beautiful bald pate of head. You can almost see your reflection in it, and for a moment, you look in your eyes, and you see the madness in them. You're torn. What am I doing? Am I going to kill Hollywood celebrity Vin Diesel? What have I become? All right, that's going to be your turn. Who rolled any other fours or sixes?

LIAM: Six.

SAM: What are you doing?

LIAM: I'm going to scurry into the window, if I can, and I'm going to loop this controller's cord around his neck and pull!

SAM: You're going to try to get the door open, or the sun roof open, any kind of window. Go for strength for that; that's ferociousness.

TRAVIS: Just one success. Just give us one success.

LIAM: I can't promise it. I can't promise.

SAM: You get two bonus dice.

LIAM: One, two. Just two, though.

SAM: You definitely pop open the window. Roadkill is so surprised to see anyone who could have survived his Wolverine claws--

LIAM: You killed my cousin Scraps. You broke my family. You made me less of a raccoon!

SAM: He looks at you and with sort of a robot voice says, "And you'll be next." He swerves to the right and throws you from the vehicle. He's going to not go forward. He's going to do a hard turn to the right, but he'll throw you from the vehicle out the window. You're going to land on that piece of construction equipment. You're okay, but he's also not going to slam into any of those things. He's going this way. He's going to try to sneak his way through. Vin Diesel has recovered and does not see you above him, so he's going to pull out and start putting on some speed. Sass Car is doing great! She's pulled ahead! As she goes, she turns back to you guys, and says, "You're so ugly, cats keep trying to bury you in their litter box!" Everybody make a rotundity check.


TRAVIS: Four. Success.

LAURA: One success.

MATT: One success.

BLAIR: Success is more than four, right? One success.

SAM: Wow, this is plenty good. Everybody's fine. That insult was not as cleverly crafted. She's frustrated, but she guns it and she's still ahead. Okay, so we're moving into another round of moves. You guys are moving forward. You're behind Sass Car. It seems like Roadkill, he's got all kinds of turbo boosters. He's made his way around to this side of you. Vin Diesel's coming up the rear. You guys are still in this. What would you like to do? Lock in your answers.



SAM: No one's driving the car.

MATT: I can't. I'm not in it.

BLAIR: I guess I'll turn right.


SAM: At ten miles an hour, you guys are turning right?

BLAIR: I will gloriously turn right into Roadkill's--

SAM: At 20 miles an hour, you guys are turning to the right. You take a little bit more damage. That's six damage as Roadkill zooms by you.

BLAIR: If you look at our tires relative to his car, he doesn't really damage us so much as we run over him a little bit.

SAM: He's got little holes that open up in the side of the car, and darts fly out into your tires.

LAURA: If he comes too close, he runs into one of our wheel things.

SAM: He's so concentrated on his robotic controls that he doesn't notice that there is a barbecue tong sticking out of the wheel in front of him. His computer system's trying to identify it, but can't fast enough. Let's see what it does. I'm rolling. I don't know what I'm rolling. Ooh, bad stuff. It takes a big chunk out of his front wheel. It definitely slows him down, and it spins him out a little. He slams into the side of this adorable Thomas the Tank Engine. Sass Car has totally gone off the map. She's doing great. Vin Diesel is coming forward; he's looking for an opening. What did you do? You turned this way? Yeah, so you guys collided. Oh, you're smashing him into the vehicle, which is great. Good moves. Matt, what are you doing?

MATT: Thinking of Paulie's words, slow motion, the really close zoom in of his lips going, "Or-- " whatever the fuck he said. I don't remember. It was bad, and it was very scary, about how he'll kill me. Yeah, he'll kill Maxine. He's got my lady! I see her looking so happy in that photo. I'm not there, and that bothers me. I sit there, looking at the shiny fork because I'm holding onto the edge, the wind blowing through my fur. I go: I loved you in both Riddick movies! I'm going to attempt to aim for the base of his neck.

SAM: Go for it.

LAURA: Can I take my action?

SAM: You can definitely take your action at the same exact time as you see this, yes.

LAURA: I want to throw out my banana peel in front of Vin Diesel's car.

TRAVIS: That is an item that she has!

LAURA: I have an item. Just so he spins out a little bit because I can see he's about to be assassinated. I want to throw you off the car.

SAM: Let's do a ferociousness check for you. This is central to your backstory, so two extra dice. You roll four dice for this.

LAURA: Plus one for the item.

SAM: Yeah. Matt, you will be rolling, for your strike as well, a ferociousness check. Let's roll simultaneously.

MATT: With two dice because it's central to my backstory, and then one for using an item.

SAM: Sure, yeah. Oh, you're using an item, too. One extra dice for you.

LAURA: I already did.

SAM: Okay. Let's do it.

LAURA: Five successes.

MATT: Yeah, no, she beats me.

SAM: The banana peel flies in slow motion through the air, splatting into the road. Vin Diesel's already-wet front tire from the ice cream hits it, jams, stops rolling completely. Yes, because the banana peel goes up into the wheel well, getting caught in the piston shift.

TRAVIS: In the inside of the wheel is the...?

SAM: Accentuator? Axles? The axle pinions in, and racks back, and can't un-rack. The tire pops instantly, and the car is sent into a big spin, throwing our good friend Reggie Burns--

LAURA: Toward us!

SAM: --towards you.

MATT: I rolled seven dice and got one success.

SAM: Oh no! He's flying right towards you. You've seen him betray you. Are you going to try to catch him, or are you going to let him fall down onto the tarmac?

LAURA: I'm going to catch him. I'm a good friend.

SAM: You catch him and pull him back in. She saw you try to kill her hero. She's looking at you with those Laura Bailey eyes.

MATT: Immediately, tears begin to stream down my face. I'm so sorry! I'm so, so sorry!

LAURA: It's okay! This is just like a scene in one of those movies that I watch!

MATT: She pulls me in, and I'm holding her, the fork still jammed out from the back.

LAURA: You can kill the paper mache Vin Diesel on top of the truck!

SAM: Okay, you guys are so great. You get a cool point for that. Blair, anyone else? Was there anyone else doing an action?

MARISHA: I have one action.

SAM: Okay, what's your action?

MARISHA: Mine's simple. I want to get video of Sass Car and the terrible things that she says, and then I start tweeting a smear campaign. All the terrible-- #neo-Nazi, #antifa, #ISIS. All of them. I'm like: Sass Car, such a bitch.

SAM: Can you roll a chutzpah check to see how fast you can enter these tweets and posts?

MARISHA: Do I get bonuses because I'm using an item of mine? People were saying that.

SAM: Absolutely. If you tell me that you're also doing this to try impress your father, another bonus.

MARISHA: Oh, I'm trying to impress you! Okay. Backstory! Sure, everything's related. Daddy issues! Three successes.

BLAIR: Oh! So impressed!

MARISHA: Thanks, Dad!

SAM: Your first post gets picked up by a medium to large blogger, who re-posts it. Jezebel picks it up. Front page. It goes viral. It focuses on women-on-women insults, and why do we need to be like that? We should be supportive of each other. Yeah. Not only that, in Sass Car's car, her phone starts buzzing like crazy.

MARISHA: Yeah. She's instantly fired; she's lost all of her retirement savings.

SAM: There's a hashtag about her, Fire Sass. Yeah, it's not going well. The internet is taking their revenge.

MARISHA: Lost all sponsorships.

MATT: I don't think there's a roll for extra dice for an item, but it's okay, we're good!

SAM: It's okay.

TRAVIS: I have one. My action.

SAM: Oh, you still have an action? Jesus, this is a long game.

TRAVIS: I abandon the steering wheel, the gas pedal. I run, and I take the kerosene, and I use my grappling hook to climb outside of the car. Knowing that it'll make it fast, quoting my backstory, I shove the kerosene in the gas tank for an extra burst of turbo.

SAM: Yeah, you can use that new cool point I gave you. Go ahead.

TRAVIS: And this for backstory and item.

SAM: Roll for alacrity?


SAM: Sure. Jesus.

TRAVIS: It works.

SAM: You're shoving in the rocket launcher?

TRAVIS: The kerosene.

SAM: The kerosene into the back, which, as we car experts know, will definitely give it sort of an afterburner--

TRAVIS: Just like petrol.

SAM: Yeah. You guys blast ahead, catching up to Sass Car. Don't worry though, what's-his-face is right on your tail. Let's go to another map. Oh no, Liam's left behind. We'll deal with that in a second.

LIAM: Oh no.

SAM: We're back to the straightaway map.

BLAIR: So many dead orphans.

SAM: Back to the straightaway. It looks like you guys are nearing the end of the race. You see a straightaway. It's pockmarked with holes. There's some barrels. There's this guy.

TRAVIS: Is that a hentai tentacle?

MATT: This is the Midnight Mansion tie-in, right here.

SAM: Yeah. What else I got? Oh, the airport police is right in front of you. You guys are up here. Let's see, where was Roadkill? Where'd I put him? Here he is. He's hot on your tail. Mother Trucker is probably still in the race, but he's way too far back.

LAURA: What about Vin Diesel?

SAM: Oh, Vin Diesel is definitely still in the race. Yeah. He's back here, right? Oh no, he was--

LAURA: He was close to Reggie.

SAM: He was back here.

LAURA: No, he was close to Ringo. Yeah.

SAM: You guys are on a big straightaway. At the top of the round, you hear a deafening sound, for raccoons, as an airplane starts to land on this supposedly unfinished runway.

MARISHA: You have airplanes?

SAM: It sees you in the road and pulls off. Does not land. But another plane now is cleared for landing and is starting to make its way down to the runway. I guess they just opened today.

TRAVIS: Empty the tank!

SAM: Let's see what else happens. Oh yes, this is luggage. We'll say this is luggage from a knocked-over luggage cart. At the top of the round, who's in the car, and who's not in the car?

TRAVIS: Everybody but Liam.

SAM: Okay. Figure out, Liam, what you're going to do. The rest of you can decide what you want to do with the vehicle. You guys are going, what did we say, 40 now? Let's say we're going 40 miles an hour.

MATT: With the turbo, yeah, we're at 40. It was 20.

SAM: Okay, all successes. No injuries, so you got three cool points to spend. Your car is starting to shimmy and shake. You've got six hits on it.


LIAM: Six.

MATT: Five.

BLAIR: Four for me.

SAM: Okay, so four fives and a six? You guys are getting really good at this racing thing. You hit the gas. You accelerate. You hit the side of Sass Car, knocking her off the course. Rhinestone, you notice that, in the car, she's not really paying attention to the race. She's got her phone up.

MARISHA: Should never text and drive.

SAM: She's crying. She doesn't even really care anymore. It seems like she got fired from the Jamba Juice.


SAM: Yeah. It's already happened. Someone found the number of the Jamba Juice she worked at. Posted it. Corporate got involved.

LAURA: I really want a Jamba Juice.

BLAIR: That's brutal.

SAM: Okay. Good old Roadkill is going to arm missiles and fire them at you. "Must destroy." Fires two missiles at you. Let's see if they hit. Neither do. They fly off, I hope not at any airplanes because that would be horrible. Let's say they stop and fall nicely to the ground. In the back, Vin Diesel is pulling up. You guys are going super fast. Liam, what did you say to do? Six or four?

LIAM: Six.

SAM: Okay, we'll do Blair first because he was four.

BLAIR: Yeah. I reach down into my-- I don't know anything about mammals-- into my skunk pouch and pull out the parachute that I've been carrying. Skunks, they are like kangaroos.

SAM: Are they marsupials?

BLAIR: Sure. Into the skunk pouch with my one good arm, and pull up the parachute that I've been carrying. Kick the doors open in the back and unfurl it, unwrap it, and throw it out the back.


BLAIR: It's not attached to anything!

TRAVIS: Oh, you're doing the Will Smith from Independence Day 4!

BLAIR: Exactly that! Welcome to Earth! You know what I mean?

TRAVIS: Hope you can fly that thing under cover!

SAM: I don't have anything for a parachute, so I'll do this. It flies over Roadkill. He can't see. Well, he could definitely be blind, if he used eyes to see.


SAM: Which he does, so he's totally blind!


BLAIR: I was here, then I was here.

SAM: He has visual sensors, sure. He starts swerving. He doesn't know what's going on. Immediately these arms come out and try to start plucking off the parachute, but they're not designed for heavy work like this. This is a big piece of nylon, and they're going struggle for a little bit to get this off. Liam, what are you doing as Vin Diesel is getting back his bearings and starting to--

LIAM: I dive onto Vin Diesel's hood and say: Vin, I know that I'm a raccoon, and I know that you're a human and a mega movie star. But I also know you care about racing and the integrity of the car! That guy is making a mockery of it. Get me to him, and we will put this right!

SAM: He turns to you, steely eyes, takes off his sunglasses, and says to you, "You had me at movie star. Let's go get this guy!" When he's not working, that's his voice.


BLAIR: (high-pitched) I am Groot!

SAM: He puts you in the passenger seat, puts on your seat belt, clicks it in, fires his afterburners. I don't know what I'd do. He blasts ahead.

LIAM: Drive, Riddick!

SAM: "All right, I will!" He's fast on the chase. Turbo-chargers, yeah, that too. Next round, get ready for what you're going to do. It seems like the grabby arms are still making some progress pushing the parachute off. Vin Diesel is making a lot of headway. You got to win this race, guys. The finish line is within sight. What's going to happen? One, two, three, show.


MATT: Six.

BLAIR: Five.

LIAM: Two.

SAM: Turn left. You guys turn left. Ringo grabs the wheel and goes hard left. Everyone else hits the accelerator. You guys blast--

MATT and LAURA: Ringo's not in our car!

SAM: Oh shit, you're right! Ringo's turning left to hit Roadkill. The rest of you guys are going straight down the straightaway. Did anyone else do an action? Blair?

MATT: I did an action. Looking out and seeing him inside Vin Diesel's car, I'm going to go ahead, after hugging you-- no, I'm turning and looking towards Roadkill. A second time, I'm going to attempt an Assassin's Creed leap, now that the windshield is available. I'm going to leap in the air.

SAM: Let's do this.

MATT: Is that ferociousness?

SAM: Ferociousness for sure. Ferociousness is definitely in effect.

MATT: It's a success.

SAM: It's a success, all right! You fly through the air--

MATT: As I'm going in the air, I look over to make eye contact. I shout out or mouth the words: Crisscross.

SAM: You're flying right for his windshield. It's just ah, ah.

MATT: The intention's there!

SAM: Your blades are out. You're ready to strike. You're in motion. You definitely make contact. Are you aiming straight for the windshield?

MATT: Yeah.

SAM: Hardcore impact. You smash through it, through the parachute. You can't really see what you've hit or what you've done, but you know you made contact with something. You're buckled in. You're okay. We've serviced everyone? Next round, lock in your answers. Let's see what happens. You guys see the headlights of another plane starting to descend right in front of you.

TRAVIS: Five! No fear.

SAM: We've got to roll for damage and stuff too. You guys are going a million miles an hour, so I have to roll a lot. No damage! Four more cool points. You have seven cool points. Tell me the numbers again?

ALL: Five!

MATT: Six.

BLAIR: We're going 600 miles an hour. This is like the end of that Fast and Furious movie. How long is this fucking runway? I feel like we've been going really fast for a long time. When does this end?

TRAVIS: A quarter-mile track is pretty fucking long.

SAM: The speedometer is maxed out at 80. But Goober, knowing how the mechanics of a car work, he goes under and is able to dial down the sensitivity of the speedometer.

TRAVIS: There was actually a governor in the trunk! Lefty loosie!

SAM: It goes down again to 40. Then you guys hit the accelerator, and you go back up again to 120 miles per hour. That's how it works.

LIAM: Everything in Sam's car is stimulating a nipple.

SAM: Amazing work, Goober.

TRAVIS: Thank you. That's how it's done!

SAM: You guys are blasting ahead at super speed. It looks like you're going to make it to the finish line. Who had a non--

MATT: Six.

SAM: Okay, six. What are you doing?

MATT: I'm going to berserker barrage, Wolverine-style, not even looking, just screaming, waving wildly the sharpened fork, into the area of wherever the driver may be.

SAM: Doing so slices the pieces of the parachute into bits. You're starting to see what's behind, what you've hit. You look for that mirrored metal helmet of his, and it's gone. It's not there. It's lying next to him on the console, and it's still talking. "Chobot must destroy!" Inside the body of the man, it's tons of rats. His body is made of rats.

TRAVIS: (dramatically) Bum bum bum!

SAM: It's been robots controlling a car, controlled by rats! It goes deeper! You recognize the first rat whose head pokes out. It's Big Paulie, and he's been Roadkill this whole time, trying to take out the competition. You see him in front of you, and you are filled with a furious, raccoon-rabies rage. By the way, high chance you guys all have rabies. It's like 30 or 40 percent.

TRAVIS: Before the race ever started.

SAM: Oh yeah, you always had rabies. It's suppression though; you try to tamp it down. You're still in your berserker rage. Do you want to say anything? Do you want to do anything to Paulie?

MATT: Yeah, I'm going to eviscerate. Well, okay, before I eviscerate, make that eye contact with Paulie and be like: How the tables have turned!

SAM: "No, don't hurt me!"

MATT: I'm going to try and tear through as much as I can.

SAM: Roll for ferociousness with bonus dice. Are you using any items? Oh yeah, you're using an item, too. You've got the nonexistent item bonus.

MATT: That's three successes.

SAM: Oh yes. Not only do you cleave through Big Paulie, but the force of your blow hits Medium Paulie and decapitates him. It misses Slightly-Shorter Paulie, but he's so scared that he runs down to the bottom of the robot body to escape you. You have enacted revenge, and you feel a little better about things. The robot hands are still steering and still trying to win the race because they are automatons, but they're not under any sort of control. They're falling back on their preprogrammed protocols. Next, Liam, what are you doing?

LIAM: I am accelerating. I grab hold of Vin's wheel, and I pull, and I shove my feet into the accelerator, and I say: Help me out, Sassy. I attempt to drive the car into Sassy's car.

SAM: You're going to go back...

LIAM: No! I'm pushing this car into that car.

SAM: Sassy is off the track; she gets hit into the tentacles! As we all know, LAX is haunted. The tentacle is definitely real, and grabs Sassy and flips them over, entering the car and holding her in place. Not doing anything bad, just holding her in place because she's had a rough time already.

MATT: It's a very empathetic tentacle.

SAM: She is definitely out of the race. Roadkill is still in it, weirdly, and so is Vin Diesel. They're slow because they've been hitting each other. You guys are blasting ahead. Now it's the moment we've all-- I've all been waiting for. A plane flies down and lands on the runway in front of you. The scale is accurate. It sees you. Are you going to swerve? I'm going to pick a direction for the plane. You guys pick maybe a different direction. Let's all dial it in and see what we got. It's either going to be a two or a three, a left or a right. Or you could try to blast through the plane. It's up to you.

MARISHA: Well, if it turns and we go straight--

SAM: Maybe it won't turn; maybe it can't turn. I'll leave it up to chance. I'll say a one or a two is no turn, a three or four is left, and a five or six is right.

LIAM: I'll stay with the first number.

SAM: What are your turns?

TRAVIS: Three.

LAURA: Five.

LIAM: Two in Vin Diesel's car.

MARISHA: Three in the ice cream truck.

BLAIR: Two, so I think we're going straight now.

SAM: You've got three, three, two?

MATT: One in Roadkill's car. I'm pulling the emergency brake.

SAM: Roadkill slowed down. Vin Diesel is what?

LIAM: Left into Roadkill's car.

SAM: Nice. Smashing, oh my god. Great. They smash into each other. You guys did--?

TRAVIS: Two right turns and an acceleration.

SAM: Two right turns and one left turn.

LAURA: So one right turn and acceleration.

SAM: Okay. I moved the plane to the left.


SAM: It's moving at a much higher rate of speed than you, and so it clips you with its wing, taking out the front engine. There's a front engine and a back engine!

TRAVIS: The winch on the back?

SAM: There was a back engine and a front engine, as all ice cream trucks have.

MATT: How much damage did we take?

SAM: You take all the damage. You guys are stuck, dead in the road.

TRAVIS: The petrol front engine is dead. The biodiesel rear engine is still working.

SAM: Sure, but when you guys took that big leap over, it blasted out of the rear engine, as we all know. These guys aren't moving. What are you guys doing over here in Vin and Roadkill's cars?

LIAM: Is this a new round because I just did that turn?

SAM: Yes, a new round.

LIAM: I'm climbing in after Roadkill.

SAM: You're going to go get vengeance. Matt, you're over there, too, right?

MATT: Yeah.

SAM: You're going to see your friend climb in through the broken windshield, and he has fury in his eyes as well.

MATT: I turn back to you. You can see the bloody mess of where the rats used to be. I look and I say: He's gone. This is just a shell. I've done your deed; go do mine. Crisscross?

LIAM: What was your deed, again?

TRAVIS: Kill Vin Diesel!

LAURA: Why? The guy who told you to kill Vin Diesel is dead.

MATT: Oh, right! We're fine! The adrenaline was in my system, sorry!

SAM: Vin Diesel's listening to this like: "What the fuck is going on? I should stick to movies."

MATT: You know what? Let's get inside. I jump into the suit of Roadkill.

LIAM: Wait a minute! That thing was empty the whole time? Are you the top or the bottom?

MATT: For you, I'll be the bottom.

LIAM: Ooh!

SAM: Some high-tech scanners turn on and start scanning you guys. "Rodent identified." The controls conform to your bodies and clamp around you. You've got all sort of sensory controls. It's amazing. It's like you're in an Iron Man suit, but it's driving a car. It's still on; the car can still drive. Vin Diesel is backing off you.

TRAVIS: Is there a British-sounding butler in the earpiece of the suit?

SAM: Sure. (high-pitched gibberish) It's a rat butler. You guys can't speak rat, so you don't know what it is. You guys have cleared the cars. You're in control of your car, which is Roadkill's car. Vin Diesel is in control of his. The main vehicle is at a dead stop. Vin Diesel, whose car has been totally smashed up-- he's missing two tires. He's wobbling forward. He's going to try to win this. Roadkill is still alive and well--

TRAVIS: Are we catching any wind on the sail?

SAM: The sail is up. You can see the finish line in the distance.

LAURA: In the distance?!

SAM: It's about 20 to 30 feet away. I'll put this here for now. What you're going to need to do is blow yourselves over the finish line.

LAURA: Can we use our cool points?

SAM: No. You can use your mouths.

MATT: Literally, we're going to have to blow it across.

TRAVIS: Don't blow from one side. We only have one shot at this.

SAM: Hold on. I'm going to make this a timed event. Set a timer for one minute.

LAURA: Travis, get over there.

SAM: It's going already.

MARISHA: Go, Blair!

TRAVIS: Get it over the fucking line!

MATT: Travis, get in here! Look how big you are!


SAM: You still had 30 seconds to spare! You guys did it! You got across the finish line first!

TRAVIS: I am *so* dizzy.

BLAIR: So many college degrees just did that. This is nuts.

LAURA: Oh my god.

MARISHA: Things that you do for peer pressure.

LIAM: We're not even a Japanese game show.

MATT: We are now.

BLAIR: The walls all fall down; there's a Japanese audience.

SAM: Timer just went off. You guys did it. Vin Diesel and whatever the fuck his name is pull up. Roadkill pull up. Everyone gets out of their cars.

MATT: As a note, on the way there, while we're pressing the accelerator, I'm finding which foot Slightly-Smaller Paulie is in and use that foot to press the accelerator until eventually it stops moving.

SAM: You definitely squish him to death. Nicely done. Revenge is enacted.

LIAM: My abs hurt from laughing and blowing on that sail.

SAM: You guys did it. Grecian Toretto comes out, clapping. "Well, you did it. You win. You get the prize, the money, the trophy, the turf. But most of all, you win respect, respect from the movie star of your dreams." Vin Diesel comes over.

MATT: As this conversation is happening-- which I assume is being shouted to a closed vehicle that we haven't exited yet because we're still a bunch of raccoons.

SAM: Yeah, sure. You can do whatever you want. It's only you, Grecian, and Vin Diesel now. That's the only two people around.

MATT: Right, but we're supposed to be a person.

SAM: Yeah, sure.

MATT: As you're shouting this out: Quick! We go ahead and: Let's get the suit over there. We go ahead and, using the Roadkill suit, walk over to the other side of the ice cream truck, get in there, and quickly assemble our usual personage.

SAM: Grecian is busy philosophizing, doesn't really notice that a headless robot just walked over. All right, you guys all pile into the suit. Who wants to be the face?

LAURA: I want to be the face.

MATT: I go ahead and apply my fake beard and glasses to Izzy to handle this.

TRAVIS: I'm the right hand.

LAURA: I put on more lipstick.

MARISHA: I'll be the left hand.

MATT: I'll take bottom again.

BLAIR: And I'm the codpiece.

SAM: Vin Diesel is so impressed by-- you know, he's a movie star who races car for fake, but you guys raced a car for real and it touches him inside. He's so impressed and still remembers the glisten in your eyes. He walks over to you and says, (squeaky voice) "Hey. You were the one from before, weren't you?"

LAURA: I was. I stroke my beard.

SAM: "You know, I'm single."

LAURA: Oh, funny.

SAM: "And I shaved my head because I like the feeling of fur against it.

LAURA: I rip off the beard.

SAM: "Ooh, you're even furrier under there!" He goes in for a kiss, do you reciprocate?

LAURA: (growling)

SAM: All right. What would the hands like to do?

MARISHA: The left hand takes the phone with both and takes a selfie of the moment.

LAURA: Yeah, that's good.

SAM: Uh-huh.

TRAVIS: The right hand caresses the sweet finger grooves of the steering wheel, knowing that he achieved his greatest goal in life.

MATT: The legs are going to push him into his pelvis.

SAM: Nice.

BLAIR: All you hear from the codpiece is this (knocking sound)

SAM: It's the grabby hand?

BLAIR: It's whatever you want it to be, man.

SAM: The grabby hand grabs onto Vin Diesel and he goes, "Ooh!" He goes in for an even deeper, more romantic kiss.

LIAM: Ringo is up top as a coonskin hat and I use my tail to hide this view from the audience.


SAM: As we slowly fade to black, we realize that you guys have all won some respect.

TRAVIS: And lost some.

SAM: Goober got to drive the car of his dreams. You got payback for the death of your cousin. You got payback and revenge on Big Paulie, and something that could never be achieved: true father-daughter love between skunk and possibly skunk-raccoon hybrid. I think we've all learned our lessons today about the world and I'm eager to hear what those are on Twitter, later. We'll fade to black and credits will roll and that's the end of the game.

(cheering and applause)

MATT: Well done, Sam! That was amazing!

BLAIR: You guys do this every week?

SAM: Yeah. Wait, stay tuned guys because in the back of the van, you still have that full PS4, mint in-box that we need to give away to somebody.

LIAM: I did borrow one controller, but [inaudible].

BLAIR: Yeah, but you borrowed the wired one, which nobody uses, so you're okay.

TRAVIS: A certain milestone was hit.

SAM: Oh, a milestone was hit, I will be doing a fireside chat thanks to all your donations.

MATT: Awesome, thank you guys!

BLAIR: I actually do have one announcement to make on that before we get to the PS4. I was back there while you guys were playing, talking to one of our sponsors, Pure Cycles, they're a cycling shop out of Burbank. They know what's going on, they're really excited about this, and the owner said, “Hey, whoever puts you over $75,000, we're going to make them a special Pablove bicycle.”

SAM: What?

MARISHA: Shut your mouth.

BLAIR: So, I'm here to announce that--

LAURA: Travis is like, “Why wasn't I the person?”

BLAIR: The person that is winning the custom Pablove bicycle from Pure Cycles is Deja Augustine.

MATT: Congrats Deja!

BLAIR: Deja, whatever, but thank you so much, and thank you to the whole community-- I mean obviously this has been-- what a ride.

TRAVIS: Pretty damn rad.

SAM: I think we even have a video to play of your child.

BLAIR: Yeah, I took a video. As of the video when I shot it a couple of days ago, we have had about 1,450 donations just from the Critical Role community. So, we did a little video, we put everybody's name into a spreadsheet-- and by "we" I mean somebody at my office because I don't know how to do spreadsheets-- and they all got a number, and then my son, as you'll see, randomly chose this person, and so we'll run that and when we come back, hopefully I'll find the email with that person's name and then we'll tell you guys who won this beautiful PS4 that we'll show you.

MATT: Fantastic.

BLAIR: We received 1,409 donations as of this video and I put all 1,409 of them in a spreadsheet, and Emerson is going to generate a random number and we're going to see who won that PlayStation 4. Okay buddy, click on that thing like daddy showed you. Just click on that right there, buds, just press down. Good job! What number is that right there, buddy?


BLAIR: 457. Okay, we're going to take a look at that and let you know who won.

SAM: Wow, so adorable.

BLAIR: Yeah, he's the best. I swear that was the only take we did of that, because five-year-olds are the best on camera in the first take. The person who wins this amazing-- and thank you to our friends at Sony by the way-- this incredible PS4 Pro, Destiny 2 limited edition with all of this cool stuff on the back that I'm sure you guys will shoot close-ups of at some point, is Margaret Morgans from Great Neck, New York.

MATT: Congratulations, Margaret!

MARISHA: Margaret!

BLAIR: As Sam said, we've hit $75,000; I'm guessing we've hit quite a bit more than that since I've been here, which is incredible, and I'm going to leave it up to you guys what you want me to do. We obviously have an Xbox One that we're going to give away as well and a Nintendo Switch to give away. My bike ride starts in a couple of days, next Sunday. If you want, I can literally do the same thing on my phone, on the ride. I can shoot a video of that and we can pick one of those things, and then when I get back to L.A., hopefully with both hands and not Bald Paw, we can do the Switch or whatever, something like that, so if that's what you want to do, I can do something on the ride and then we can do the Switch when I get back.

MARISHA: Maybe during your fireside chat or something?

SAM: There you go, yeah. Well, thank you for joining us for this special charity edition. Thank you especially to Travis Willingham, Laura Bailey, Liam O'Brien, Marisha Ray, Blair Herter, and Matthew Mercer, and the Pablove Foundation for being such great folks and for changing the world. I hope the guy who wrote this game--

MATT: Grant Howitt.

SAM: Grant Howitt, wasn't watching.

MARISHA: He's asleep.

SAM: Okay, good. If you guys talk to him, just say that I did it perfectly. We'll see you guys next week for more great programming on this here Critical Role channel, right?

MARISHA: All Work No Play premiere! Next week!

SAM: Oh yeah! All Work No Play premieres one week from today, at what time?

MARISHA: Friday at 7:00.

SAM: 7:00pm on the 28th. Be sure to watch me and Liam.

MARISHA: It's so soon!

SAM: It's going to be fun. Much more coming next week. Have a great weekend everyone! Good bye!


LAURA: That was stupid fun.