List of Transcripts


MATT: Everyone, welcome to the new episode of Critical Role. This evening, we luckily have Ashley Johnson back in as her character Pike. Unfortunately, Laura Bailey will be gone for most of the game, possibly, she might come in, ‘cause she’s busy recording a show with Wil Wheaton. It’s gonna be a great show, but we’ll miss her, until she shows up. However, we shall see what the next chapter has in store in just a moment. In the meantime, let’s go ahead and get you situated with the character backgrounds.

TRAVIS: Right, listen up! If you have ale, then you have a friend in Grog Strongjaw! A goliath of towering height and size, this barbarian has an appetite for the two great loves in his life: combat, women, and ale!

[record scratch] Wait.

TRAVIS (CONT'D): Easily the brains of the group, Grog is often consulted for his vast knowledge of shapes, colors, and shiny things! Also ale. In his early years, armed with his two-handed greataxe, Grog often enjoyed proving his might amongst the ranks of his family’s wandering herd. But after coming upon an unsuspecting elderly gnome in the woods, he objected to the killing of such an innocent life. A creature of impulse, Grog felt only pity for this– well, this terrified little thing. And his disobedience cost him dearly. Beaten bloody, and banished by the herd leader, his Uncle Kevdak, Grog was abandoned and left to die. Exiled from his herd, it was then that the relative of the very gnome he fought to save, saved him. It was the kindness of a gnome cleric named Pike that healed Grog, bringing him back from death’s edge. And they have remained close friends ever since. Most nights, Grog can be found challenging entire taverns to wrestling matches! Or accompanying Scanlan to the nearest house where you pay for lady favors. Also ale!

MARISHA: A first impression of Keyleth would leave you with little information on the half-elven druid. You might even think that her social awkwardness due to her sheltered upbringing is kind of sweet. Of course, it would be unwise underestimate her based on first impressions.

[thunder crack]

MARISHA (Cont'd): Under that un-intimidating petite frame is a vicious beast waiting to be unleashed, whose natural powers have made even the fiercest of champions pee their pants, literally! Born to the Air Tribe of the Ashari people, Keyleth was raised with a deep love of nature and the elemental magics. It is her people’s inherent duty to protect the delicate areas in Tal'Dorei where the four elemental planes begin to bleed with this realm. Since she was a little girl, she had quite a knack for air manipulation and beast shaping abilities. Well, if you consider kittens and flying squirrels to be little beasts...which, I do. Anyways, it wasn’t long before the headmaster of the tribe, her father, Korrin, realized her true prodigious abilities and she was inveterated to succeed him as the next headmaster. Just like that, her jovial childhood was stripped and replaced with endless spell memorization, teachings from ancient traditions, and exceedingly high expectations. Every druid leader-to-be must embark on a journey to seek out the sister tribes in order to introduce and establish respect amongst the fellow headmasters. They call this the Aramente, or Noble Odyssey. When her father felt she was ready, he set her on the path to truly discovering herself, not knowing when, or if, she will ever return. As she hiked down the mountain towards Stilben, she meditated on the task ahead. Part of the Aramente is proving yourself a strong warrior, a valiant protector, and a wise and compassionate leader. With this knowledge, one thought plays in repeat in her mind: Is she even worthy?

TALIESIN: Percy was the third child of seven children, born to a noble family who lived far to the north in the ancient castle of Whitestone. With so many siblings to share the burdens of lordship, Percy turned his attention to the sciences, engineering, and naturalism. One day, a mysterious couple, named Lord and Lady Briarwood, came to court. During a feast held in their honor, the Briarwoods violently took control of the castle, killing or imprisoning everyone who would stand in their way. Percy awoke chained in the dungeon, only to be freed by his younger sister. Together they fled, chased by the Briarwoods’ men. As they ran, Percy’s sister took several arrows to the chest and fell. Percy kept running, eventually jumping into a freezing river and floating unconscious to freedom. He did not remember waking up on a fishing boat. He barely remembered the next two years, as he slowly made his way as far south as possible. Then one night, Percy had a dream: a roaring cloud of smoke offered him vengeance against those who destroyed his family. When he awoke, Percy began to design his first gun.

SAM: Oh, you haven’t heard of Scanlan Shorthalt? Well, gird your loins, ladies, because he has his eye on you. A talented musician, master of disguise, and dashingly handsome in his own mind, Scanlan sings songs almost as much as he sings his own praises. Born a poor gnome, Scanlan used his endless charm and soaring tenor voice to croon for coin and support his single mother. One day, he was discovered by a half-orc promoter, and joined Dr. Dranzel’s Spectacular Traveling Troupe where he learned the ways of the world, and honed his skills as a bard extraordinaire. A loner much of his life, Scanlan has never quite come to terms with the violent death of his mother at the hands of a goblin invasion. While his years on the road provided many, shall we say, educational experiences with the opposite sex, deep down Scanlan yearns for the one thing he’s never known: the true love of a fellow gnome. Still, Scanlan considers himself a lover first, performer second, and fighter distant third. On the battlefield, he’ll support his allies, but rarely draws blood, unless it’s to protect fellow gnome, Pike. Count on Scanlan for a hearty laugh, a rollicking song, and a twinkle in his eye that melts hearts and makes the females swoon.

ORION: Greetings and salutations, I am Tiberius Stormwind. I hail from a town called Tyriex, located in the heart of Draconia. Born from a politically respected family, at the age of 15, I succeeded in passing the Sorcerer’s Rite, showing prodigy-like control of my magic. The judges and the Draconian high council were amazed at how powerful my spells were for how long I had been training. At 20 years old, I was the youngest appointed member of the magic guild in Draconian history. For the next few years, I almost went mad from the malaise of being a guild member, as it’s rather boring. However, one day I happened upon a chamber, unused for quite some time. In the room were stacks of books and maps of the surrounding cities and areas around the known world. For months, I would frequent the chamber, and learned of artifacts from legend. After a long period of research, I made a list of artifacts that caught my eye. I brought these findings to the high council and was told that all of the information in the chamber I had stumbled upon was either believed to be fiction, or unsolvable mysteries, and hence were lost forever. I found those answers to be unacceptable. A year later, I devised a ruse and managed to convince the city council to lend support in me leaving Draconia on a mission of peace and diplomacy for the surrounding kingdoms. Going from town to town and making friends and allies in and for the name of Draconia. Being a red dragonborn, I had quite the task on my hands in that respect, but it was exactly what I needed so I could explore the world and find these artifacts, as I felt the truth was out there. Some may describe me as buffoonish, but I say poppycock to all that. I am much sharper than most give me credit for. I just don’t pay attention to things sometimes. I’ve also been known to be rather cunning, loyal, happy-go-lucky, and well, dangerous. I can’t help but show my true scales every now and then. But overall, I think I’m quite friendly for a dragonborn.

LIAM: Never entirely welcome in the company of elves or men, Vax'ildan learned at a young age to skip past formality, preferring instead to invite himself in your door. Along with twin sister, Vex'ahlia, Vax was born by a chance encounter between elven royalty and human peasantry. Raised by their mother in their early years, the twins were eventually sent off to their father in the elven capital of Syngorn. But their cool reception among the elves there never warmed, and their time in the capital didn’t last. The siblings stole away one autumn night and set out on the open road. After a few years of wandering, they eventually decided to return to their mother, and journeyed back to the lands of their youth. But instead of finding their childhood home, they returned to a pile of rubble. Their mother was gone, their home burned to ash. Pressing the townspeople for answers, they learned of the day the dragon came. With their ties all severed, Vax'ildan and his sister set out to find their fortune together in Tal'Dorei. An outsider since birth, Vax quickly learned to solve life’s challenges in his own particular way, often by sidestepping them entirely. And when his knack for circumventing adversity isn’t enough, the way of blades the elves schooled him in more than makes up the difference.

LAURA: Like so many half-elves, Vex'ahlia has spent most of her life suffering the cool reception of a people who don’t fully accept her. Born of a human mother, and an elven father who only later in life took an interest in their existence, Vex'ahlia and her twin brother, Vax'ildan, quickly realized the only people they could truly rely on in this world were each other. It was at the age of ten when the two were taken from their mother, and brought to live in Syngorn, the isolated elven city for which their father was an ambassador. He quietly took them in, but always kept an icy distance, and after too many years of disdainful looks, the pair decided to leave his indifference behind, and set out on their own. Vax took to the cities, stealing small trinkets and learning the ways of the thief, while Vex kept to the woods. She preferred the isolation. Always the keen observer, she learned to hunt and to track, to spy and to shoot. Through a series of fateful events, earned herself a companion in the form of a bear– her own stolen Trinket – to fight alongside her and protect her fiercely. Also, he is adorable, and gives expert massages. ​​​​

MATT: Welcome back. Unfortunately, we don’t have Pike’s video ready yet. I’m working on it.

ASHLEY: My bad.

MATT: This week got away from me, and Ashley got it to me a little late, but we’ll have it up next week, don’t worry. However we are happy to have Ashley with us.

(all cheer)

MATT (CONT'D): She’s come down from her BAFTA cloud. (all laugh) Which is amazing, congratulations again.

ASHLEY: Thank you guys.

MATT: So yeah, as a heads up too, if you wanna do any quick announcements real fast, I think you had an announcement you wanted to make.

ASHLEY: It’s my mom’s birthday today.

(all cheer)

MATT: Happy birthday Ashley’s mom, yay!

ASHLEY: Her name’s Nancy.

LIAM: Hi Nancy.

TRAVIS: Happy birthday, Nancy. Totally watching this right now.

MARISHA: Is she watching?

ASHLEY: She probably is.

(all laugh)

MATT: Well, hello! Also for those who are Hearthstone players, the new Black Hawk Mountain Expansion came out today, in which I voice Nefarian and Ragnaros.

(all cheer)

MATT (CONT'D): My vanilla-WoW-playing self from back in the day is nerding out over that, so enjoy that. Anyone have anythingelse they wanna announce or talk about? Are we good to start?

SAM: Hi, mom!

MARISHA: Hi, mom.

MATT: All righty.

TRAVIS: I don’t think my mom knows what the internet is.

ORION: Related, I leveled my undead holy priest to 64 last night, on Warcraft.

ZAC: We’re just about a thousand happy–

MATT: Congrats. Way to go, level 64. So you’re just barely into burning crusade, good man.

(all laugh)

TALIESIN: I got one too. My brother who also works in video games gave a talk at GVC this year, and it just went online, and not now but later you should watch Alex Jaffe’s talk on metagame balancing. It’s really really fun, it’s fabulous, and you learn a lot.

MATT: There you go, Alex Jaffe, look it up.

MARISHA: Alex is brilliant.

Part IEdit

MATT: All right guys, so, getting to the game at hand. So little overview for the story, the party has been sent to the city of Kraghammer, through a friend of theirs named Arcanist Allura Vysoren. A good friend of hers and a folk hero throughout the land known as Lady Kima of Vord, who’s the halfling paladin of Bahamut, has gone missing. She went on a vision quest as part of a pilgrimage she’s been on for the past year, and sensed a dark evil brewing far beneath the city of Kraghammer. Disappeared into the city and hasn’t been seen for weeks. So Arcanist Allura asked the party, hired them essentially, to go and see her whereabouts. Upon getting to Kraghammer, they interacted with some of the local characters, eventually found theirself talking to Lord Nostoc Greyspine, who owns the mines at the very bottom of Kraghammer proper. After a brief encounter with a mutated abomination of a Naga creature, they were then hired by lord Nostoc to go into the mines, find whatever’s creating these abominations, destroy whatever is the source of them, and he will pay well and also pay for each creature head that is brought to him individually. After getting into the mines, a few battles ensue with some of the local denizens, couple of the umber hulks, that were turned into snails, and other interesting circumstances. The party then found what looked to be an entirely abandoned goblin city, and a series of goblinoid corpses, many of which had bored holes in their skull in various states of decay. They found a long bridge across an open chasm. Upon traversing it, Scanlan went invisible, and found what looked like a duergar war camp, which are like ashy-skinned, evil dwarves that live deep underground. Watched a dwarf get executed by what appeared to be some sort of strange alienoid creature, that was revealed to be an illithid, or a mind flayer. A being that is psychic and consumes brains.

ASHLEY: Brains!

MATT: Upon returning, the party had a plan to lead them off of a illusionary cliff, that went pretty well. Ended up taking out a significant portion of the charging army at the time. Vax here, however, got stunned on the way across by the one mind flayer, nearly fell, however was saved by Tiberius at the last moment. Nearly lost their magic carpet, but it was retrieved.

ASHLEY: Wait, you still have the magic carpet, right?

MATT: Yeah, it got recovered. Barely.

MARISHA: We got it back, it’s okay.

TRAVIS: Not thanks to some.

MATT: (laughs) After brief discussion, Keyleth and Vex decided they didn’t want to listen to anyone’s bullshit, and hijacked the magic carpet, flew down into the chasm below, and discovered behind one of the underground waterfalls some sort of a mind flayer who was cast out from the society, covered in rags, kind of a twisted physical form, and after a very tense discussion seemed to befriend it under the guise of mutually agreed retribution against those that are oppressive to this whole chasm area.

MARISHA: Clarence.

LIAM and SAM: Clarota.

MATT: Clarota. I don’t think he’ll take kindly to Clarence. However, this is where we left off the previous game.

ASHLEY: So nervous.

MATT: As you guys have gathered up, and you’ve finished your luxurious song to try and ease his torn form, he finishes tapping his toe in spite of himself. Looks about the rest of the group and says, once again, not vocally, but speaking directly into your mind, through a horrifying whispered voice that you cannot even close your ears to get rid of, “I think it’s best we rest out of sight.” He points across the chasm, to the war camp that is looming across the way. He begins to dart off towards the abandoned goblinoid village.

ORION: I guess we should follow him, then.

SAM: Yes, that’s wise.

TALIESIN: I think that’s a great idea.

SAM: We follow.

TALIESIN: No, nothing can be there.

MATT: As you guys make your way in toward the goblinoid village, you can see Clarota who is genuinely hovering about a foot off the ground, and kind of just coasting around in a very creepy way. Finds one tent, opens up and looks inside, “Here, here we can talk.” Darts inside.

TRAVIS: We follow.

SAM: We do follow, yes.

MATT: As you’re following–

TRAVIS: Oh crap.

SAM: Oh God, we’re dead.

TRAVIS: Why? Why would he touch his dice? We’re gonna die!

MATT: As you’re following towards the center of this town, you, see in the distance, a small light moving, back from the direction where you first saw that duergar camp, where Grog was assaulted.

TRAVIS: I don’t recall that.

LIAM: Look back the way we came, there’s some sort of light up ahead.

ORION: That can’t be good.

LIAM: Stay with Clarota, I’m gonna go take a look, Scanlan, come on.

SAM: I’m coming with.

MATT: Both of you guys roll stealth.

TRAVIS: I’ll stay outside the tent if somebody wants to ask him how to get a Magneto helmet like his.

(all laugh)

TRAVIS (CONT'D): ‘Cause I’m gonna need that.

ORION: I’ll talk to him.

SAM: It’s just a roll? Not great. Nine!

LIAM: 29.

TALIESIN: That’s a number.

MATT: So, as you officially vanish into the ether and surrounding darkness, Scanlan, who still has that song stuck in his head from earlier, his slow jam is just…


MATT (CONT'D): Abstractedly humming to himself without realizing, and calling a little bit of attention, at which point you began to hear some footsteps in the distance that come to an immediate halt.

LIAM: Grab Scanlan, put my hand over his mouth, and say, Quiet, man, what’s wrong with you?

SAM: It’s a nervous habit! I’m sorry!

(all laugh)

LIAM: With great power comes great responsibility, shut up!

SAM: It’s a gift I have to share with the world!

LIAM: Later, later. Save it for the mind flayer. So with him tucked under my arm like a football, I start to creep further. And try to make out– if there’s light from the lantern, I can see in dim light, thanks to daddy’s blood, so. I’m gonna try to figure out what it is exactly that I’m seeing.

MATT: Go ahead and make a perception check.

SAM: I also have low light vision.

MATT: You can make perception check with disadvantage, because you’re under his arm.

LIAM: Perception check? Oh.

SAM: Nope.

LIAM: Do I have any advantage on that?


LIAM: 11.

MATT: All right. Actually, directly looking in the directionof that duergar camp earlier, you can see behind a pillar that’s blocking your view, it’s obstructing your view of the actual camp proper, you can see some movement in the light. You hear some shuffling, it sounds like plate. You hear a voice just kind of muttering to itself. A familiar, female gnomish voice.

LIAM: Pike?

ASHLEY: Hey guys!

(all laugh)

ASHLEY (CONT'D): It’s me, Pike!

LIAM: Jeez, where have you been?

ASHLEY: Oh man, I’ve had quite a time. I’ve missed you guys terribly. A lot has happened. I’m sure for you guys as well.

SAM: Not so much.

ORION: I say into my thing, “Scanlan, what the hell’s going on?”

SAM: Don’t worry, it’s a friend, we’ll bring her back soon.

ORION: Okay, well, there’s a mind flayer here.

SAM: Keep him busy. He likes slow jams.

ORION: Right, right.

MATT: As you guys take a look at Pike, you notice she’s fully armored, but dirty, she’s got sweat across her face, looks like she may have had a couple scuffles on the way through here.

ASHLEY: I did.

MATT: She’s got a wild look to her eyes.

SAM: Oh my God.

MATT: Genuinely relieved to see you. Pike, you’ve managed to come down here through the front of the mines, which for the most part have been clear. You follow what details you can after asking around and discovering that the rest of your party had ventured below without you. You’ve followed the tracks best you can, and are glad that you at least chose the right path and ran into them before you ran into something far more dangerous. What you were inspecting was this campsite that appeared to have been abandoned. What caught your eye was against the stone wall right above the ring of stones that form the fire itself, there is a giant symbol carved into the stone that is a protective sigil of Bahamut, the platinum dragon, which is a religious symbol of protection, used in different divine rituals.

LIAM: We were looking at that, we couldn’t make heads or tails of it. You ever seen that before?


(all laugh)

MATT: Go ahead and make a religion check.

LIAM: Are you sure? Think about it, just for a moment longer.

ASHLEY: Well give me, actually, let me rethink on this. I think maybe–

MARISHA: So wait, are we all reunited?

LIAM: Oh, it’s a natural 20!

MARISHA: Oh, welcome back Pike!

TRAVIS: The first roll.

MARISHA: Are we all reunited?

LIAM: You just forgot.

ASHLEY: I just– you know what? Actually, now that I’m thinking about it.

(all laugh)

MATT: You clutch your holy symbol instinctually as you reach up and run your fingers along the stonework, tracing the carving across the stone. As you do, your eyes close, and you feel the warmth of Sarenrae’s presence fill your mind for a second, and for a split moment, you can see a well-armored, very driven, female halfling with hair pulled back into tight brown braids, a dark green cloak thrown over one shoulder, who’s currently carving that symbol into the stone. You’re seeing Lady Kima of Vord, the one who left this symbol, to protect her campsite as she made up camp here. You don’t know how long ago this transpired, but this was definitely left by her in this tunnel.

LIAM: What is it?

ASHLEY: It was left by a woman.

SAM: Lady Kima, the one we’re trying to find?

ASHLEY: Yes, Lady Kima.

LIAM: How did you know that?

SAM: Me and Pike are like–

TRAVIS: Oh, Jesus.

SAM: It’s so great to see you, you look fantastic by the way.

ASHLEY: I don’t feel fantastic.

SAM: Bring it in, bring it in, give me a hug. Ooh, you smell a little. I like it though. Somehow it works on you.

LIAM: We’re in a very complicated situation, a lot has happened to us. We found sort of a war camp down here, and there is sort of a being, I don’t know what to call it. He’s got a little of this going on, and he speaks and lashes out through his mind. We fought a huge force down here, and then we ended up falling into a cavern, and then Keyleth and my sister found another one, what are they called? They’re called– illithids.

SAM: Yes, yes. And we found a rogue one, and we may team up with him– or her?– to go back and get revenge and maybe kick some ass in the camp.

LIAM: This just happened. He seems extremely dangerous, however, the forces we faced in the other illithid seem maybe worse. So that’s where we’re at.

SAM: So welcome back. Great, sounds like a fun time. Let’s rejoin our friends, shall we?

ASHLEY: Let’s go kick some ass.

SAM: So we trot back over to the dead goblin village.

MATT: All right, you make your way back to the tent that was originally scouted out. The rest of the party’s there waiting as Clarota is awkwardly sitting in the far end, just looking out as all of you slowly approach and enter the tent. Not speaking, just reactionary, and keeping a watch on all of you.

ORION: I turn to Clarota, I’m like, “Ooh, that’s our friend, Pike. She’s a good ally. Hello, Pike!”

ASHLEY: Hello everybody.

ALL: (gasp) Pike!

ORION: Sometimes we hug as allies, Clarota.

MARISHA: Where have you been?

ASHLEY Well, I had quite a time. When we were up on the tower, I noticed something, and I felt… I had to leave, because I started to have a vision.

ORION: Oh, those are fun.

ASHLEY: I feel like I should talk to you guys about this later, just because–

SAM: It’s personal?

ASHLEY: What is your name? I’m so sorry. I’m Pike, it’s very nice to meet you.

MATT: You get a better look as you approach this entity. You see what looks like a very tall, thin, gaunt-looking humanoid with a hood over the head as you approach. You get a better look at the facial features. Smooth, kind of dull, bluish-purple skin. These sunken, creepy, yellowish green eyes, and instead of where a mouth or nose would be, you see four slightly twitching tentacles. Barely obscuring what looks like a round lamprey-like toothed maw.

LIAM: Pike, this is Clarota. We’ve just met.

ASHLEY: Can I shake his hand?

MATT: Do you wanna reach your hand out?


MATT: There is no physical response, the hand is not extended, but you hear, in the middle of your mind, at full volume, a creepy whispered voice go, “Are you to be one of our allies as well?”

ASHLEY: Yes. Of course.

MATT: “Very well, she may stay.”

ORION: Thank you very much, Clarota.

ASHLEY: I take my hand and scratch the back of my head.

(all laugh)

MARISHA: I take Pike and I kind of pull her out of the tent really quick, and I’m like–

SAM: Girl talk.

MARISHA: Okay he’s like a mind flayer, and we found him in a hole under a waterfall, but he’s cool, but he wants vengeance.

ASHLEY: Is that– the thing is covering, so he can’t be–

MARISHA: He’s like outcast, yeah. But he’s gonna help us fight all of his tribe who hates us.

LIAM: Clarota.

ASHLEY: Do we know for sure he’s helping us?



LIAM: Can you help us understand your kind? Your history? How you’ve come to be here and who this individual is that is fucking with your shit?

(all laugh)

MATT: Proverbial statement, I like that. At which point Clarota’s eyes narrow, and you can feel just the general mood and energy of the inside of the tent grows dark. It grows mildly tense. Suddenly you feel this presence, a voice once again, fill your mind as Clarota says, “Seven years since I discovered my curse. My form was struck with the brand of the Arcane. And these foul arts proved difficult to conceal. My brethren could sense my impurity, my deviation, and cast me out. I was severed from the Elder Brain. And chased on threat of death, should I return. I wandered these tunnels in squalor, feeding on what paltry filth I could ensnare, and fleeing from the ones I could not face alone. In my wandering, I discovered a duergar stronghold, with a magma pool, and it proved to be a decent source of sustenance for some time. Paying off the occasional straggler. Suddenly a great battle took place. It appeared something had sieged the stronghold. Reading the surface thoughts of the deep dwarves I encountered in the following weeks, I found a shift of power. Whatever had taken this hold had now demanded fealty of them. And they accepted when faced with annihilation. This entity that took the duergar by force, they called K'varn. I caught no sight of it. But the fear I could sense, from within these doors were so primal, so great, that I knew to keep a distance to be safe. But four months ago one of my estranged people, was captured by these ash-skins, and brought within the obsidian walls, for what I assumed was interrogation. Long after, the bulk of the Duergar people marched in packs through the long, deep tunnels that led to my people’s colony and attacked. Strangely, before much bloodshed could occur, which I only assume was the next step in this onslaught, the fighting stopped. And the colony allowed the ash skins to waltz directly into the temple, unharmed, unchallenged, where our Elder Brain resides. It wasn’t until after discovered whoever this K'varn is, they themselves infiltrated the temple, and somehow took the Elder Brain under their own control. I watched as my people had their will robbed of them. And they took the will of all the others that lived and breathed in these tunnels. Now, a terrible army is forged of both factions. And they walk under the banner of this K'varn. Since this, I’ve fled back to the higher tunnels, and scrounged for materials so I could shield myself from the iron grip influence of the now enslaved Elder Brain. It took me weeks. But I’m confident I’m safe from its influence. For now.”

TALIESIN: Is that the thing that you wear upon your head?

MATT: As it pulls the hood back, you see once again this kind of haphazard, metallic cluster of patches of metal, and iron, this dull kind of blue metallish glow, that you can only now see once he’s sitting in near pitch darkness. As he reaches up and runs his finger along it, “Yes. This I feel can protect me. But I think…I think there is a way to change the tides of this circumstance, I feel that if I could somehow free my people from the influence of K'varn, release its hold on the hive mind, my people would allow me to rejoin the colony. To be one again with my family. My brethren.”

LIAM: I have a few questions. Is that all right?

MATT: “Yes.”

LIAM: You and your brethren, without this, do you think as one?

MATT: “We think as individuals, but the hive mind connects us all. The hive mind gives us knowledge, history, direction. It is the source of our family.”

LIAM: So, one individual of your family sees something, the entire hive sees the same, is that correct?

MATT: “Yes.”

ORION: Oh dear, that’s no good.

(all laugh)

LIAM: And you mentioned the Arcane being a stigma upon you?

MATT: At which point it turns its gaze away, and slinks down into its form slightly.

LIAM: What do your brethren put their faith in, if not the Arcane?

MATT: “They put their faith in the arts of the mind. Both understanding, manipulating, controlling, and devouring.”

ORION: Clarota, we’ve already allied ourselves with you, as we’ve already agreed.

MATT: “You’ll help me free my people? To be family again, to belong.”

ORION: As we said, yes. But the thing you wear on your head, it would make us all the more equipped to take on this task. It’s against such powerful mind creatures, such as yourself, I know my way around a couple Arcane things, but nothing of the mind control sorts. If someone like me were to be influenced, it would be very bad for our group. Even yourself, perhaps. It would do well to at least maybe show us how you built it, and– You get what I’m getting at, right?

TRAVIS: I would like a steel beanie as well.

ASHLEY: Basically, where do we get one of those?

MATT: “It would take weeks to build another.”

TRAVIS: Weeks?

TALIESIN: I would like to take a look into it if possible, and see if it makes sense. I am a builder.

MARISHA: Maybe we can figure out something a little bit more jerryrigged.

TALIESIN: If we were all hidden, we would have a distinct advantage.

TRAVIS: I have a very large bronze pot in the bag of holding. Could I wear that on me noggin?

TALIESIN: If you like.

MATT: It gives you a look in response and says, "This protects me from the influence of the hive mind, my preexisting connection.”

TALIESIN: Could we be hidden from them? Would there be a way to cloak ourselves from their understanding?

MATT: “Stay hidden from the others. Their sight is the mind’s sight. The Elder Brain is a collection of the once living mind flayers of my people.”

LIAM: I have one more question, and we have allied ourselves to you, that’s true. But I’m curious to know, hopefully our goals intertwine, and we want the same thing. But once that is achieved, and it will be, what happens then for the Illithid? Do you return to your home below? Do your people harbor any ambition to move upward into Kraghammer?

MATT: It looks to the side and says, “Our ambition is to pursue the continuation of our knowledge-seeking. We have no interest in the surface. We only wish to spread our dominion here below. Expand our great city of Yug'Voril.”

LIAM: I’m sorry, what was that name?

MATT: “Yug'Voril.”

ORION: Sounds like a lovely town, Yug'Voril.

MATT: “It’s beautiful.”

TALIESIN: I feel that we could come to an arrangement.

LIAM: I do as well.

TALIESIN: We would require of you, at the very least, safe passage once we have helped you reunite with your people, for ourselves, and for a friend of ours who’s lost in the darkness, who we are here to retrieve.

MATT: “For this deed, of freeing my people from this insidious presence that is K'varn…”

TALIESIN: Freeing all of our people.

MATT: “I believe this could be arranged.”

LIAM: Scanlan, does he speak true?

SAM: Uh. Let’s find out.

(all laugh)

SAM (CONT'D): I’m gonna just see if I can detect any lies.

MATT: Go ahead and make an insight check.

SAM: What am I adding to this?

LIAM: Insight.

SAM: Oh. 13. I’m not an insight person.

ASHLEY: Oh, can I–

TRAVIS: (scoffs)

LIAM: 20 over here!

TALIESIN: What are you doing?

TRAVIS: She’s rolled twice.

ASHLEY: Assisting, assisting.

(all laugh)

TALIESIN: All of your 20’s, running out.

MATT: It’s too late for the assist, unfortunately, ‘cause it’s already rolled.

LIAM: But can she suss him out?

MATT: Best you can tell, those who are looking into it, he seems to be speaking from a point of desperation, and intent, as he has no other option. He is genuinely– You can see it in the way he talks, and the way he speaks about his family. He’s a little crazy. The isolation has put him to a point where he wants to return to his people, and will do whatever it takes to get back with them, however, he also seems to be, in a weird way that you can read, appreciative that you’re willing to help, and seems to be, on his part, genuine. As a note, music’s not playing? I don’t know if there’s a reason for that.

TRAVIS: Did he say his eyes, the flayer’s eyes, are what put people in trances, or their minds?

SAM: Yeah, the eyes, the eyes.

TRAVIS: So if we wear helmets, it’s not gonna help us.

SAM: No, the helmet is what separates him from his hive mind. It wouldn’t help us at all.

TRAVIS: I’ll still wear the big bronze pot on my head.

MATT: You put the pot on your head. It’s clunky.

TRAVIS: On my whole head.

MATT: You cannot see with the pot on your head.

TRAVIS: No, but I’m protected from the flayer.

SAM: Can you bore two like, ghost holes in?

TRAVIS: I don’t need it, I have incredible warrior skills.

TALIESIN: Do their powers work with reflection?

MATT: “No, they can peer into your very mind.”

TALIESIN: But if we approach them using a reflective surface to view them, can they peer into our minds through a reflected surface?

MATT: “If they know you’re there, you’re in sight, they can read into you.”


MARISHA: They can read our minds.

MATT: “If you are obscured, unknown to them, then you are hidden. They cannot sense you, but if they know you are there, they can peer, they can pry.”

LIAM: Is there any way to be hidden for us?

MATT: “Hidden from sight. Be hidden from knowledge. Be hidden from them.”

MARISHA: Clarence? Sorry, Clarota.

SAM: How about Clay?

MATT: “Clarota!”

TRAVIS: Jesus.

MARISHA: Sorry, Clarota. I just have one quick question. Why would you want to rejoin your colony after they’ve banished you? Why not leave?

MATT: “I have nowhere to go. They are my essence, my connection. I long to return. It is the way of my people, I understand this curse I hold. I spite myself, I look upon this disease, and spit. But perhaps, with this deed, they can overlook it.”

MARISHA: You’re not diseased, you’re special.

TRAVIS: Oh, God.

SAM: Question, Clarota.

MATT: “You know nothing of my culture. You presume too much.”

LIAM: I think we do understand your desires though, and we can align ours with yours. So let us speak of specifics, Clarota.

SAM: Strategy.

LIAM: Strategy.

SAM: Number one, that assortment of dwarves and some of your friends and ogres over there on the other side of the chasm. Is that something that we need to face headlong, or can we maybe surpass them, trying to find K'varn, or this temple that you speak of?

MATT: “We may if you wish. Their stronghold is far below. The magma leads the way. However, if I know what I’ve seen, the general resides in that camp. I know no way within the stronghold, without the brunt of their army. Perhaps the general can be pried for information. If you bring him to me.”

SAM: “Bring him,” so you won’t be accompanying us on any adventure, or…?

MATT: “I will be coming.”

ORION: We have to fetch him.

SAM: And the general is in that…

ORION: Where you were, right?

SAM: Yes, yes. So we have to go over.

ASHLEY: Did you say something about a temple, or did I completely misunderstand?

MATT: “There is a temple in our city. Where my people reside, that is where the Elder Brain sits.”

SAM: We’ll get there eventually, but first step is this smaller force across the chasm.

TRAVIS: Yeah, we’re gonna put the beat down.

(all laugh)

ORION: Well said, Grog.

MARISHA: You said there was a big army front, guarding this general? Of duergar?

SAM: Well, the general’s right across the chasm.

MARISHA: Oh, he’s just right across the way?

MATT: “Their forces are gathering there. The bulk of their army currently is divided between that and the stronghold below.”

LIAM: Percy shot this one, I think.


LIAM: I think it’s important to point out that your kin, this general, is aware of at least three of us, of my dragonborn friend, the singer over here, and myself.

SAM: I don’t think he knows about me.

TRAVIS: No, you were invisible.

LIAM: Just us, then.

ORION: I don’t even know if he saw me. He saw my funny cards.

LIAM: True, it could be just me then.

ORION: Oh, I cast Prestidigitation on Pike and I clean her up real quick.

LIAM: You look lovely. How do you think your kin will react to that? What will their response be if they know that outsiders have come? If they’ve seen just me at this moment, plus a few illusions.

MATT: “They will be prepared. So you must find another way in. You must think how to not be seen.”

TRAVIS: Think.

(all laugh)

ORION: Don’t worry, Grog.

MATT: You’ve never ever, in your life, ever heard someone else chuckle inside your brain, but you hear within the center of yours: (chuckles) “Think, yes.”

TRAVIS: Oh ho, it echoes in the pot.

(all laugh)

TRAVIS (CONT'D): But I start laughing to myself.

(silly laughter)

LIAM: Can I assume that you would have already given us any advice by now if you knew a way? Are we stuck with our own resources?

MATT: “I’ve only watched from a distance. Getting too close was too dangerous. I only read surface thoughts. If I were seen, I would be nothing, I would be destroyed.”

LIAM: So no back doors, no secret entrances that you know of, into the camp, anywhere near this general?

MATT: “None.”

LIAM: Fuck.

TRAVIS: What’s in the bottom of the crevasse?

SAM: It’s water and magma.

TRAVIS: Can we pick up the little loch ness monster and throw it at him or something?

SAM: Oh yes, down below, in the waters, our allies - Vex, and uh, somebody.

(all laugh)

SAM (CONT'D): Found some creatures under the water, snatching bodies as they fell. Keyleth. Yes, I forgot who went.

ORION: Her majesty, Keyleth.

SAM: Pike’s beauty distracted me, you shouldn’t have cleaned her up so nice.

ORION: I’m sorry.

SAM: Anyway, there were some creatures down below in the waters, are those anything that we could use, or should we just avoid them?

MATT: You see it actually hisses for a second, as soon as you mention this he goes, “No, avoid. That creature is older than all of us. It resides there, an ancient mind. One that should be kept at bay. An aboleth.”

SAM: Do you need a lozenge?

(all laugh)

MATT: Its eyes narrow once again, not quite understanding the words you use, seemingly amused.

SAM: It’s a gnome thing.

MATT: As a brief aside, too, I checked the connection on my iPad, I’m playing music fine, and the connection’s in the iPad, I don’t quite know where it’s losing its connection. But I think we need some music.

SAM: All right, so let’s review our options, shall we?

TRAVIS: We’re gonna charge in there.

SAM: We can’t charge, there’s a chasm.

LIAM: How did that go with the little brain thing? Not too well.

TALIESIN: The chasm is a problem.

SAM: Master switch.

MARISHA: An entire colony of mind flayers.

SAM: We could fly in, right?

LIAM: The bridge is gone, we have to–

SAM: We can fly in death from above.

TRAVIS: I don’t know if I can.

SAM: Well, we can figure out a way. Enough of us can turn into flying things to get you there.

TALIESIN: We also have a flying carpet. We can repair the bridge if we had to, at least put a rope across.

ASHLEY: I think–

SAM: Or we could disguise ourselves somehow.

ASHLEY: I think I know where we need to go.

SAM: What?

TRAVIS: Really?

MARISHA: Really?

LIAM: Get out of this city.

MARISHA: Please, do tell.

SAM: So, hold on–



MATT: There we go.

SAM: There’s music.

ASHLEY: Oh wait, I think I read this wrong.

(all laugh)

SAM: Pike, don’t toy with our emotions.

TRAVIS: You just got back.

ASHLEY: So you guys haven’t gone to the war camp.

SAM: We have.

ASHLEY: You have.

SAM: We been there and we quickly retreated.

LIAM: Scanlan took a poke about. He boofed himself out of sight and had a look around, and then we returned to the edge of it, and I kind of flipped the bird at them, and taunted them a little, but most of us haven’t been in.

ASHLEY: Have you been to the lake?

TRAVIS: None of us went in the water.

SAM: Lake? No, there’s no– what, there’s a lake?

ASHLEY: Isn’t that where that thing is?

TRAVIS: The bottom of the crevasse, right?

LIAM: Under the bridge, there was–

SAM: No, that’s rushing water, that’s not–

MATT: The area after the big drop that was at the bottom, there was a lake of water. And there was a waterfall coming out of the natural–

LIAM: And the ogres were getting sucked under by something.

TRAVIS: So we didn’t go down there.

MARISHA: Is there something under the lake?

ASHLEY: Well I just– I don’t know if I should be talking about this in front of him.

TRAVIS: We could go away from him for a second.

LIAM: He will probably hear the thoughts inside your mind.

ORION: Clarota is totally fine to talk in front of. He’s amazing.

ASHLEY: Earmuffs.

(all laugh)

ASHLEY (CONT'D): Well, shall I share a vision I had?

LIAM: I think so, Pike. I think at this point, we should just move forward.

ASHLEY: In this vision that I had, I was pulled down toward the mines. Into the tunnels, below where the dwarves were working.

MARISHA: Through the lake?

ASHLEY: Well, past the goblinoid creatures, and past a great underground lake. Past a jagged onyx colored fortress, framed in molten rock.

TRAVIS: We haven’t been there yet.

ASHLEY: Past a field of broken glass and bone. Have you seen any of this?


TRAVIS: I don’t think an onyx fortress.

ORION: Those last things sound terrible.

LIAM: Yes, that all sounds shitty.

(all laugh)

LIAM (CONT'D): The last thing we’ve seen is the lake, and we didn’t go too close to it, because a couple of ogres fell in from above, and they disappeared like something grabbed them.

TRAVIS: We didn’t have him fly down there and get a close look.

LIAM: No, we haven’t had a look around.

ASHLEY: I wonder if there’s like–

MARISHA: I can cast Water Breathing on all of us.

TRAVIS: Why don’t we send one, like Mars Rover over here, and have him go check it out?

MARISHA: I can always turn into, like, a whale.

LIAM: Perhaps, but the water breathing sounds good to me. I feel like a head-on–

TRAVIS: Isn’t there something in the water?

LIAM: – run into the chasm is a bad idea.

ORION: I pull out my empty bottle, and I go, and I have this!

LIAM: Yes, he’s got a bottle, plus, we’ve killed a fucking dragon. I know it’s not an easy task to accomplish, but we’re pretty badass, I think. We might have a good chance.

MARISHA: So wait, is going through the lake gonna get us through to the general?

LIAM: Well, we don’t know.

TRAVIS: We haven’t been down to the water’s surface.

SAM: What’s the best-case scenario? What, we come up behind them? It’s still gonna be a fight.

TRAVIS: But maybe there’s a different vantage point.

SAM: We can fly over them, that seems like a pretty good attack point.

TALIESIN: Some of us can fly over them.

MARISHA: Well we can figure out to where where all of us can fly over them.I’m more concerned about us cloaking ourselves. Even if we’re flying they’re still going to see us.

SAM: There’s an ancient death thing down there.

TRAVIS: He might die, didn’t say it was foolproof.

SAM: I don’t know, man, he’s volunteering you.

ORION: Wait, what’s going on?

LIAM: I mean, our options are: we can vote on it, although we all know Keyleth is just gonna go fucking do whatever she wants. Our options are–

MARISHA: That was one time.

LIAM: Just the one time.

MARISHA: Just one time.

TRAVIS: Never to be forgotten.

LIAM: Our options are a headlong advance into the middle of their camp. That’s a big fucking force.

SAM: Or some sort of disguise, distraction.

TRAVIS: Tiberius.

MATT: Is the stream down by the way?

ZAC: It goes down every two hours and 17 minutes, it’s been doing that for– It comes right back up.

MATT: All right, so let us know when it’s back up.

SAM: Two hours and 17 minutes, that sounds like Lost or something.

TRAVIS: Tiberius. Do it.

MARISHA: Amityville Twitch stream.

TRAVIS: Go fly all the way down to the water’s surface. Like Michael J. Fox in Back to the Future 2, and check out if there’s any other tunnels that we haven’t seen, or ways to go.

ORION: Isn’t this the same water that you bended?

MARISHA: I think so.

TRAVIS: We didn’t go down to the water’s surface though, did we?

MARISHA: Well, we went over the top of it, and kind of looked down.

TRAVIS: Oh, we did? We went all the way down?

MARISHA: When I was bending the water back, we were kind of in that area, right? That was that area, but the lake–

SAM: Do it smart. Let’s go bomb them.

ASHLEY: What if, I mean–

TRAVIS: Can you freeze it?

ASHLEY: Do you guys wanna like, put me down on a rope, and I can just run around, see if there’s any openings? I mean I have a lot of armor.

LIAM: Go fishing with you?

MARISHA: Go fishing, yeah.

ASHLEY: Well no, just like halfway, and then I can run around and look for tunnels. Well some of us can fly, so we’re okay.

MARISHA: I can attempt to try and drain the lake a little bit.

LIAM: And Keyleth said that she can cast Water Breathing, can help us breathe underneath the surface.

TRAVIS: We have two underwater breathing potions.

MARISHA: Control Water’s a level five spell.

MATT: I realize that. But that’s a lot of water.

TRAVIS: But remember, we’re slow as balls in water.

LIAM: You were having trouble, if I recall, just getting the waterfall out of the way to create, I mean it was amazing, but–

MARISHA: I managed to get it stopped–

LIAM: I know, you fucking saved the day, but we’re talking about–

MARISHA: A lake.

LIAM: Yeah, Lake Superior.

SAM: This is not just a lake, there is a death monster in there. If we go under the water, we’re dead.

TRAVIS: Can we stand on it? Anything, if we wanna fight it? Or are we gonna be fighting it in the water?

TALIESIN: Well, we can all have Water Breathing.

TRAVIS: Yeah, but we’ll be slow.

SAM: And we’ll be underwater, where there’s a death monster.

TRAVIS: I’m not worried about that part of the question.

LIAM: There’s 50 to 100 fucking creeps up top.

SAM: Well, then let’s come up with a good plan.

ASHLEY: Maybe there’s hidden stairs or something, like in Indiana Jones?

TRAVIS: Can you electrify the water and fry the guy?

LIAM: Hold up, hold up.

ORION: There’s only 26 people up there. On our last count.

TALIESIN: Before the ones we killed, or after?

ORION: After.

LIAM: Those are the ones we saw, though. How do we know how far back the camp goes? How many are in the gate behind it?

TRAVIS: Don’t a couple of you have Lightning? Can’t you deep-fry the water?

MARISHA: I mean, I can make a giant whirlpool.

LIAM: Wait a second, wait a second. Clarota, you’ve been listening to our thoughts for the last ten minutes.

SAM: And what clear thoughts they have been.

LIAM: What do you think? What do you think?

MATT: “What resides in that lake is something you wish not to tamper with. An ancient mind.”

TRAVIS: Blah blah blah. Hodie-fucking-ho.

MATT: “It clouds the water with its own filth. You find yourself unable to breathe air.”

MARISHA: Didn’t that happen already?

MATT: “Its mind, it takes–”

LIAM: Have you seen it?

MATT: “Yes.”

LIAM: It’s big?

MATT: “It’s rather large.”

ASHLEY: Is it like a many-armed…situation?

(all laugh)

MATT: “One could say, yes.”

ASHLEY: Okay. Swell.

LIAM: What’s the sitch?

MARISHA: So we can face Cthulhu, or little Cthulhu minons, seems to be our choice.

ORION: Clarota.

TRAVIS: Why don’t I have Lightning, I swear. Can’t you fry the water first? See if it hurts it?

SAM: We can fly overhead and just Lightning the shit out of it.

TRAVIS: Do that, please. ‘Cause maybe there’s a way– there’s a tunnel, and we come up behind them or whatever it was.

LIAM: That illithid took out my brain from like 100 feet.

SAM: You know what– wait, wait, if I may. When I was there, I saw the main general control all of them instantly, when he was about to make a sacrifice, or feed, or whatever he was doing. No offense. He instantly had all of their command. If we could somehow get to him, and cut off that connection, distract him, influence him somehow to command them to all jump in the lake, for instance. That would get rid of a lot of them all at once.

LIAM: Can you make me invisible?

SAM: I can get you there. I can make you unseeable, but not invisible.

LIAM: What?

TRAVIS: What’s the difference?

SAM: I can make you a fly.

TALIESIN: May I examine– without removing– may I examine your device?

TRAVIS: Oh, shit.

MATT: Make a persuasion roll.

TRAVIS: Oh man, Percy, Percy.

SAM: What’s he doing?

ORION: He’s asking to–


LIAM: What’s he doing?

SAM: Touching the hat.

MATT: He glares at you and says, “Our agreement does not include this interaction.”

TALIESIN: It may be the key to returning you to your people.

TRAVIS: Tiberius.


TRAVIS: Would you go fry the fucking lake?

TALIESIN: I won’t touch. I will just look.

ORION: I’m reading my book.

TRAVIS: No, I want you to–

MATT: It kind of bows its head, but does not move closer. It just slightly shows you an element of it.

TALIESIN: Can I understand how it functions?

MATT: Best you can tell it looks like a skullcap that’s been kind of decently made for what it is, but you can see some of the hammer marks on it, or whatever it was put together. It appears to be a very simple piece of metallic material.

TALIESIN: So it’s magic.

MATT: It looks like it is some sort of enchantment, probably what’s causing the effect. It’s not any mechanical device that causes it.

TRAVIS: (metal clanging)

TALIESIN: So there’d be no way to build something to create a feedback loop?

MARISHA: Ooh. I see what you’re getting at.

TALIESIN: I wanna try and see if there’s any way that I can take a look at this and figure out a way to build some sort of feedback system.

MARISHA: We need to build a coconut radio.

SAM: We don’t even have a laboratory.

TALIESIN: He wants a coconut radio.

ORION: I love coconuts.

MATT: You have never interacted with anything psionic-based before. The time to research that, and the materials needed to do it would take months.

TALIESIN: Plan two–

LIAM: This is a fairly shitty situation.

TRAVIS: While all this is going on!

TALIESIN: Because if they can’t see, what if we blind them?

LIAM: How?

MARISHA: With some sort of interference?

TALIESIN: With a really bright light.

ORION: Oh, I love doing light things.

TALIESIN: What if they are so blind they can’t actually see us coming?

MARISHA: I believe Pike and I both have access to spells like that.

SAM: I assume that would make us pretty blind as well.

MARISHA: Not necessarily.

ASHLEY: Not if we wear our–

SAM: – sunglasses?

(all laugh)

TALIESIN: Can I attempt to build sunglasses?

SAM: Before we build sunglasses–

MATT: You can probably make a couple with the materials you have on hand. You are limited when it comes to resources, as you are currently halfway underground.

TALIESIN: Even better.

TRAVIS: Vax could show his ass, that’s a pretty white light.

TALIESIN: That’s as white as it gets.

LIAM: It’s pale as shit. When I go to the beach, I don’t tan, I stroke.

SAM: But I thought we established that they don’t need visual contact to influence us, they just need to be able to be aware–

TALIESIN: Once they have visual contact they can influence us, but they need to make that visual contact in the first place.

MATT: “The dark, deep dwarves, they hate light. This I know.”

MARISHA: I think it’ll stun them long enough for us to get across.

TALIESIN: If we could perhaps put some Light spells on the back and the front of our shields, so that we are guarded from it.

ORION: If you can make a pair for our friend here, that would help him out, I assume.

MARISHA: Wait, that’s not a bad idea. Pike, can we temporarily enchant the magic carpet as a spotlight as we fly over? As a light death ray?

LIAM: We’ve seen you surrounded in radiant light before, you think you can do that to the carpet?

ASHLEY: I mean, I have–

MARISHA: We should have Daylight. Where’s my book? Where’s my Player’s Handbook?

LIAM: And Clarota, while they’re figuring that out, if we remain to be hidden or blind our opponents as we approach your kin, will not know our thoughts 'til they see us?

MATT: “Yes. They need to look into you, by knowing you’re there.”

LIAM: Can I fight one of your kin with a blindfold on?

MATT: “Perhaps.”

TRAVIS: I thought if they could see you–

ORION: Clarota. The mind hive that you possess, how close can one be before it actually affects? Say 100 feet, caught my friend in mid air, alas, in their run-in. Is its range about–?

MATT: “That’s about the distance, yes.”

SAM: You may not know the answer to this. I don’t doubt your knowledge and wisdom, but I happen to have a ring with mind shielding, will that aid me in any way?

MATT: “It may. If it gives you resistance to psionic influence, it would be of aid, yes.”

MARISHA: Daylight.

TRAVIS: Do we have a plan?

LIAM: It wouldn’t be hard to get hold of some pitch down here, some tar.

SAM: To burn?

LIAM: No. If you can be invisible, and you have a ring of mind shielding, and you can carry a bucket of pitch to that motherfucker, you can splash it on its face, cover its eyes, and it’s helpless.


SAM: Or I can hang that big brass pot on its head.

TRAVIS: But I’m wearing that.

LIAM: Yes, but it could take it off, possibly. If you smear sticky shit on its eyes–

SAM: So wait, I just have to blind it?

LIAM: Then it can’t control–

SAM: Well, I happen to have a Blindness spell!

MATT: “It may still try, but to be blind, it would be very difficult for it to pry into your mind.”

SAM: Could it still control the others, though?

MATT: “Probably. That is a permanent enslavement.”

SAM: So you want me to go in there, solo, invisible, and try to blind this thing.

LIAM: No, not solo.

SAM: I’m in!

LIAM: I like your idea of turning me into a fly. You and I go in–

TALIESIN: And we’ve got Light spells.

MARISHA: Pike and I can cast Daylight on our magic carpet.

ASHLEY: I can cast it onto my shield, and then on the carpet, and we would have a double–

MARISHA: I have to take a nap, though. What’s that?

LIAM: But that could get us in close. Scanlan and I could get in closer, and blind it, and I could stab it in the head.

MARISHA: I mean, technically I can also turn into something flying, I could back you guys up, if someone else wants to take the carpet.

SAM: We can all get there. We can all get there.

MARISHA: I can cast Daylight on your helmet. On your pot helmet.

TRAVIS: Really?


TRAVIS: That I’m game with

MARISHA: All right.

TRAVIS: I’ll be like a lighthouse, walking around. Crushing life.

(all laugh)

MATT: You’d be the cover of John Carpenter’s “The Thing.”

LIAM: Did everyone hear Percy, that’s a good idea.

TALIESIN: Two fronts.

LIAM: Yes, two fronts.

SAM: What is it?

LIAM: You and I separate from the group, they go in shining like a beacon, you and I (buzzes) in, and while the illithid is focused on them, we go in, you blind him, and I stab him in his maw. It’s pretty good.

SAM: That’s a suicide mission.

TRAVIS: I like it, let’s do it.

LIAM: What else are we going to do?

TALIESIN: I’m behind this plan.

SAM: Surgical, special ops, seal team six.

MARISHA: What does Vax have to say about this?

LIAM: Vex, you mean? My sister Vex?

MARISHA: Yes, that one.

LIAM: That’s a good question.

SAM: Oh, Vex, you look so tired.

MATT: Vex, your sister seems genuinely perturbed by the circumstance, but looks to you and says, “Look, I found him, you deal with the situation. Just tell me what to do.”

SAM: She’s so like that.

(all laugh)

ASHLEY Let’s do it.

LIAM: I gave up trying to understand her years ago.

MARISHA: Do you know what time it is? I’m feeling a bit nappy.

ORION: Your hair looks fine.

LIAM: Well, I–

SAM: Wait– (shushes)

MATT: “If you need rest, then rest. Time of day has no bearing down here.”

MARISHA: I have to rest so I can– I’m gonna read up on this Daylight spell, so that you and me can both cast it.

ASHLEY Yeah, we’ll just take a nap and just get, you know, rest our muscles, and get ready for the fight.

TRAVIS: I’m gonna read up on this Chopping Head spell. Yep, I’m read up.

SAM: I’m gonna sing a little song to inspire a couple of my allies here, if I can.

MATT: Okay, I would recommend doing it after rest. The dice would go away while they rest.

SAM: Okay, forget it.

MARISHA: I go ahead and I light an incense in our teepee, and I make some flowers grow. That’s better. That’s nice.

TALIESIN: I’m gonna do a little bit of work on that first trick arrow. On the trap arrow. Since I’ve got a little time.

MATT: Go ahead and make a roll.

TALIESIN: That’s a– What am I rolling?

MATT: Your engineering– your tinker’s kit.

TALIESIN: Oh, it’s just an intelligence roll, right?

MATT: Plus your tinker’s kit proficiency. It’s down underneath your skills. Proficiency, at the very bottom left.

TALIESIN: Yeah, I don’t have a number for that.

MATT: You can add your proficiency modifier to your intelligence check. Add your intelligence modifier plus four.

TALIESIN: Ah, thank you. 17.

MATT: All right, and so what are you trying to accomplish with this arrow again?

TALIESIN: I was just trying to make an entanglement arrow. It’s a trapper’s arrow.

MATT: Okay. You manage to work out what seems like a tanglefoot bag-type detonation, where if an arrow were fired, it would be a grapple check against the individual, probably give them penalties until they’re able to break free of the grapple. So yeah, success on that one.

TRAVIS: Nice job, Doogie.

TALIESIN: I’m gonna be Hawkeyeing Laura out at some point, I got a couple of them.

ORION: Before I retire, Clarota, you said you wanted to speak with me later. Anything in particular, or you wish to save it for after the battle?

MATT: “Perhaps after. I just am curious about the source of your Arcane power.”

ORION: Ooh, I’d be happy to discuss it. I could learn a great deal from you as well.

MATT: “Later.”

ORION: Later, of course. I go to my books.

MATT: So Clarota closes his eyes, and kind of goes into a meditative stance. The rest of you, those who have spells to choose, go ahead and choose your spells accordingly for the next day.

TRAVIS: Rub it in. I’m sharpening my ax.

MATT: Good. Good.

TRAVIS: It is good.

SAM: Just doing my vocal warmups. ♫ Me me me me me me me me me ♫

MARISHA: I’m meditating.

SAM: ♫ Molto bene, molto bene, molto bene, molto bene ♫

TRAVIS: The human torch was denied a bank loan.

(all laugh)

MATT: So as you all have your evening’s rest…Not very comfortable. Number one, you’re in the middle of a tent of a goblinoid city. Second, just the general proximity of sleeping near an illithid, you just have a general sense of unsettling dreams, imagery that is disturbing. Pike, you have many flashbacks to the vision you had, and actually wake partway through the night in a cold sweat. As you wake up, you all kind of slowly come to, it’s about four hours into the evening’s rest. You feel a slight tremor, a familiar tremor that you felt once before in this cavern.


MATT (CONT'D): You feel the ground begin to vibrate and shake.

TALIESIN: I get up and look around.

SAM: Is Clay awake?

(all laugh)

MATT: Eyes are open, just sitting there.

SAM: Clarota, do you know what that rumbling is?

MATT: “There are many creatures that live in this rock. You’d best be still.”

SAM: Ooh, still.

MATT: “Still.”

ORION: Don’t move.

TRAVIS: So, vocal warm ups.

MATT: Everyone make a stealth check.


TRAVIS: Fucking nipples.

MARISHA: Pooper.

TRAVIS: We get advantage on that, right?

MATT: Nope!

ORION: 16.

SAM: 14.



LIAM: 20.



(all laugh)

MATT: Two natural ones?


SAM: After her two natural 20’s.

LIAM: Nothing to add.

ASHLEY: Nothing to add. Well I’m new to armor, you know.

MATT: You both rolled natural ones. Those both count as two failures.


MATT: Thankfully, the rest of your group all rolled pretty high. So it was four versus five.


MATT: You guys just barely succeed. As you all hold still, barely breathe, the rumbling intensifies, and goes on for a good minute, minute and a half, before it eventually subsides.

TRAVIS: Aw. Thought we were gonna get a warm up.

MATT: Fades into the distance. Rumbling is complete. It appears to be no issue. Clarota says, “Many of these creatures, they pick up on movement, in that sound, be wary.”

LIAM: What creatures are you speaking of now? Is this something–

SAM: The rumbling creatures.

LIAM: But what are they?

ORION: Probably buttholes.

MATT: “I’ve only got glimpses.”

LIAM: This is something worse than umberhulks, I assume.

MATT: “Larger, yes.”

SAM: All right, we’ve all rested up.

LIAM: Buttholes in the underdark!

SAM: I had a crazy dream. It said if Geek & Sundry got to 1,400 followers, there would be some sort of a giveaway.

ORION: Oh, I had the same dream, Scanlan!

SAM: Wow!

MATT: Yeah guys, just so you’re aware, every 50 subscribers we get, we are giving away an awesome Geek & Sundry game package.

ZAC: Ethanmyhead just won one.

MATT: Oh, there you go, congratulations! We already got a winner. We’ll be putting those out for every 50 subscribers we get tonight. We’ll be choosing one to win that awesome award, our wonderful package, so keep that in mind.

SAM: So the plan is again, you and I, stealth. The rest, attack with light? What’s first, what’s second, what happens here?

LIAM: Well, I need to take a moment to find some– I’m gonna look around and see if I can find any pitch, anywhere in the goblin camp.

MATT: Okay, go ahead and make a survival check. Actually, this would be investigation.

LIAM: Investigation. I got the exact same number, 12.

MATT: Takes about an hour. You manage to find, essentially, a few piles of rather disgusting, sticky, goblinoid refuse, that you imagine will probably stick and burn pretty well. In a pitch-type way, yeah.

LIAM: Goblin shit?

MATT: You find just a whole bunch of goblin shit.

LIAM: Let’s cook it up a little.

TALIESIN: How do you feel about lacing it with gun powder?

SAM: I’ll make some fire for you.

LIAM: Feel pretty good about that.

MARISHA: Goblin molotov cocktails? I like that.

TALIESIN: Goblin poop cocktail.

LIAM: So here’s how I think this goes. I think the team infuses the carpet, and any shields, or head pots they have with radiant light. They go in and make a big stink on the side of the camp. You and I go in, you’re invisible. I’m a–

SAM: Fly, flea, mosquito, dragonfly, whatever you’d like.

LIAM: Yes, let’s say fly. We go in, find the illithid, and then we pop in, you yell, “Hey, Spanky,” throw goblin shit in its face.

SAM: Or I try to blind it with magic.

LIAM: Yes.


ORION: Both! Why not both?

LIAM: We want to increase our odds. As soon as he’s blind, I go in for the kill. And then it’s on us to deal with what happens after that.

TRAVIS: It’s playtime.

LIAM: It’s playtime.

SAM: Might I suggest one other wrinkle.

LIAM: Yes, please do.

SAM: Remember there are some dwarves being held captive. We can make our way to them and release them.

TRAVIS: We don’t need all of them, though. Just to cause further distraction, or to get some allies on the inside.

LIAM: It’s possible they could be weary, frightened.

TALIESIN: Mind controlled.

LIAM: Seems unreliable– yes, mind controlled.

TRAVIS: They’re probably ready to fight, like me.

(all laugh)

SAM: Grog, we understand, you want to bash some things.

LIAM: Your time to kill is coming.

SAM: All right, is there anyone else in the party who could help us with stealth, or anything?

ASHLEY: Definitely not me.

SAM: Okay.

TRAVIS: Clang clang.

ASHLEY Clang clang clang clang.

MATT: As a note, just remember. Because you’re the one who walked through. There is essentially a shanty town, a tent city of war tents. With a few rock formations. You also notice that, or you remember last time, that there was the main square that had the raised platform. And then there was the small stone barracks, where it seemed both the mind flayer and the duergar general both went back in.

SAM: So we gotta go into the barracks.

MATT: Well that’s where you saw at least they were last time you were there.

LIAM: That’s our starting point, I imagine.

ORION: Well, there’s two targets.

SAM: So we gotta get in, and then get in.

LIAM: The main thing is to get the illithid, because if he’s out, nobody’s– Then they’re all separate. He’s playing chess with all his minions until we take him out.

TRAVIS: I hate chess.

ORION: So we all strike right on him. You two are going to take that little journey. The rest of us, what shall we do? I have many options and they’re all fun. So Percy. Your sniper rifle. I should think that you want to post up and start taking out position.

TALIESIN: I’ll do that at first, but then eventually I’m going to just have to jump into the fray.

ORION: Yes, of course, onslaught to the rest of the camp, that we’ll go about it too, right? Make a bunch of noise, a bunch of light.

SAM: How are you going to get Grog over there?

MARISHA: I’m gonna put a giant sunlight beacon on his head, and I’m gonna release him to the wilds.

LIAM: Yes, but there’s no bridge, we talked about–

MARISHA: Oh, how are we gonna get him over it?

LIAM: We have an infinite amount of rope.

SAM: How do we get it over there?

LIAM: Tiberius talks about making him light as a feather.

TRAVIS: Or you can fly me.

SAM: Yes, you can fly him, right?

ORION: Perhaps you can fly.

TRAVIS: Why don’t we turn my pot into a lighthouse, and then you fly me over, and I’ll do like, abominable snow man walk.

MARISHA: I like that.

LIAM: Clarota, is there anything you can do to help us on this endeavor?

MATT: “I can try to cloud his mind with mine, but you have to swear to protect me from harm.”

LIAM: You have our word.

SAM: – that we will try.

(all laugh)

MATT: “Then I will come. You must work swiftly. If we can leap most of the city, get to that barrack, storm it, and take out the mind flayer that resides.”

SAM: Let’s set down right in the middle of the thing.

MARISHA: Well I was gonna say, can we set down where we’re kind of backing you guys up, holding the fort down while you guys go?

LIAM: There’s no bridge.

SAM: We all have to get there.

MARISHA: I’m not worried about that.

LIAM: Get over together, get to the edge.

SAM: Yes, but where are we going to make land? In the middle of the shit, next to the barracks?

MARISHA: I say we might as well go closest to the barracks as we can get.

SAM: Okay, then you and I can get in the barracks.

LIAM: That’s a good idea. If we go as high as we can, and just hug the ceiling of this motherfucker, and then go down in the middle. And as we’re going down, you turn me into a fly and go invisible, and that’s when all hell breaks lose.

TRAVIS: I like that part. Let’s do it.

LIAM: No time like the present.

TRAVIS: Hands up if you’re in.

MARISHA: I’m gonna start buffing people like crazy.

ORION: I cast Stoneskin.

TALIESIN: Gonna be buffing us like a vampire slayer.

MARISHA: Oh! Joss Whedon up in this bitch!

SAM: Question to the dungeon master.

MATT: Yes.

SAM: I think my Polymorph spell is a concentration spell.

MATT: It is, yes.

SAM: I’m going solo.


TRAVIS: Do it.

SAM: I can get you in. I can make you a fly, but I can’t be invisible at the same time.

LIAM: I will sneak through. If shit goes south, I will peel off and join the others.

MARISHA: Well, I can cast Pass Without A Trace on myself, and as long as we hug close to me, there’s an area around me that’s like a dark shadow. We get like, all stealthy.

SAM: We’re going in.

LIAM: We’re just gonna have to improvise that. We’ll do it live, we’ll do it live.

MARISHA: Wait, wait, wait! Don’t go in yet. Let me buff people.

MATT: You said you were casting Stoneskin? Stoneskin is concentration. The moment you cast another concentration spell, it goes away.

ORION: Oh, right. So I don’t cast it, then.

(all laugh)

ORION (CONT'D): God damned concentration spells.

TRAVIS: I would like to cast, um.

(all laugh)

TRAVIS (CONT'D): Blood Lust on myself. Blood Lust.

MARISHA: I go ahead and I cast Enhance Ability on Vex.

ALL: Vax.

LIAM: Sorry, everybody does it. Our mother did it, I do it sometimes.

MATT: To increase his dexterity?

MARISHA: To increase your dexterity.

MATT: So essentially you have advantage on dexterity-based checks, yeah.

MARISHA: Which is your stealth, right?

MATT: Yes.

MARISHA: And then I’m gonna go ahead and let me keep track of all this. And I’m gonna go ahead and cast Daylight on Grog’s helmet. Are we ready for this, are we going?

SAM: Yeah, let’s go.

TRAVIS: Let’s do it.

MARISHA: And I’m gonna go ahead and cast Daylight on–

SAM: Wait.


SAM: Wait. We’re trying to sneak over them before we land. Don’t cast Daylight on anything yet. We don’t wanna be bright and shiny in the sky.

MATT: A giant flare coasting over the city.

TRAVIS: We’ll be like UFO’s.

LIAM: (hissing)

MARISHA: I’m gonna go ahead and cast Pass Without A Trace on myself.

MATT: All right, so that’s preparation there.

SAM: I’m gonna sing a little ditty to inspire Vax.

♫ I didn’t see the Vax

♫ 'Cause he’s so goddamned stealthy

♫ Da da da da da da da da

TRAVIS: Was that “I Saw The Sun”?

SAM: Yes it was.

(all laugh)

MATT: That wondrous rendition allows you a d8 inspiration dice, hold on to that.

ORION: Is everybody finished?

LIAM: Vox Machina, let’s do this shit.

MARISHA: I turn into an eagle, and I’ll take the gnomes.

MATT: All right. Scanlan. Pike is heavy with the plate mail, but it’s still enough to carry with your giant eagle form.

LIAM: Tiberius, Percy, and I are on the carpet, and Tiberius, are you good to help Grog fly across?


MATT: At which point you feel this strange lifting sensation, for a second your stomach kind of has butterflies, and you realize that you can just think forward, and you drift forward. Think back, you drift back. Think up, you drift up.

TRAVIS: Amazing, don’t puke in the helmet though, that would be gross.

(imitates puking)

ORION: Am I light enough for him to take me in?

TRAVIS: I can’t see anything. Just a cauldron on my head.

ORION: For him to carry me.

MATT: For him to carry you? Yeah, yeah.

ORION: I hop on your back. Let’s go, Grog.

TRAVIS: Great.

MARISHA: I guess the rest of them are on the rug?

TRAVIS: I can’t see, so you gotta tell me. I start flying the wrong way.

ORION: Back up, the other way, other way, very good.

MATT: You actually clutch Grog by the sides of his face, and start steering him.

(all laugh)

ORION: Wherever I move your head, just tilt that way.

SAM: Are we all in flight now?

LIAM: We’re all taken care of, yes.

SAM: And the carpet?

LIAM: Tiberius, Percy, and I are on the carpet.

SAM: What about Vex? Is she with us?

ASHLEY: She’s on the carpet.

SAM: She’s staying behind.

MATT: Vex, for the time being, because it’s just easier to organize for that, is coming on the carpet with you guys, and is preparing in case she is needed.

TALIESIN: She’s just quiet 'cause she’s feeling smug about the last game.

LIAM: Yes.

MATT: She’s feeling smug about making another RPG right now.

LIAM: She’ll be back.

SAM: I wanna see how you fly, Grog.

ORION: It’s really rickety!

TRAVIS: It’s one arm in and one forward.

(all laugh)

ORION: Just think.

LIAM: Do you propel yourself with thoughts?

MATT: It’s an awkward zig zag.

TALIESIN: Do you think happy thoughts?

MARISHA: I’m gonna fly in the middle between Grog and the carpet, that way my Pass Without A Trace encompasses everybody.

MATT: All right.

LIAM: I turn to Scanlan and say, Scanlan, we are probably going to die today. It has been an honor.

SAM: It has been an honor.

ASHLEY: You won’t die today.

SAM: Only one of us will die. And it won’t be me. I can be invisible.

(all laugh)

ORION: You’re not listening, it’ll just happen.

LIAM: What were you saying Tiberius?

ORION: Nothing.

LIAM: Don’t play it that way, what were you saying?

ORION: I was saying, if you’re all finished, I’ll just make you invisible right before it happens.

MATT: You guys are all coasting over the chasm. Now you’re over the top of the large bridge, and the 200-foot-wide open hole in this tunnel that leads to the lake below. As you glance down, you can see just a little bit of a trickle from the soft red light that is deeper inside. You can see the small streams of lava, they’re just slowly pooling at the bottom on the outskirts of the lake proper. As you begin to make it to the other side, you can see tiny shapes moving in this barely lit war camp of the duergar. As you’re coasting over, and Clarota is along with you guys with his hood up, he kind of whispers into all of your heads, just, “Beware that some of these armies carry abominations created below within my city. I know not what to expect from them. So be wary.” As this happens, everyone make a stealth check. Everyone, because of the Pass Without A Trace, everyone gets a plus ten to their stealth check.

TRAVIS: Plus ten?

MATT: Plus ten. Thanks to Keyleth.

SAM: Thank God.

MATT: Keyleth, however, you are carrying two gnomes, so you have a disadvantage on it.

ASHLEY: Oh no.

LIAM: It’s all right.

MARISHA: Even with the plus 10? 18?

MATT: 18.

SAM: 15.



SAM: Wow.


LIAM: 28.

MATT: All right. You guys begin to crest over the very top of the war camp, and looking down you can see now, there are what looks to be the beginnings of tunneling siege engines being constructed.

SAM: What? Siege?

MATT: Siege. You can see giant wheeled carts with drills up front, giant auger bores that are being currently constructed. You can see what looks like a series of weapons being stacked at the ready. You can see there is a preparation for some sort of attack on the city above.

LIAM: Want to take Kraghammer.

MATT: Continue to press ahead. There does not seem to be any reaction to your flying.

SAM: Don’t say anything.

LIAM: This close to the ceiling.

ASHLEY: Good thing we didn’t cast the light.

ORION: We can all talk to each other.

SAM: Whisper to each other. Shut up!

MARISHA: Oh, cool.

SAM: Just wait 'til we get there.

MATT: You guys make it towards the center portion of the city.

TRAVIS: Roll shake it, roll shake it, roll shake it.

TALIESIN: Die rolls.

MATT: You can just start beginning to see the opening in the center of this war camp. There is a circle where there are no tents constructed, you can see what looks to be a small wooden platform, and there is a stone building that is of makeshift functional construction. Not pretty, but functional, looks like a barracks, or some sort of a large bunker. Right on the northern side of that opening, that center portion of the war camp. That would be what you saw, both the general and the mind flayer head of this encampment go into last time you–

SAM: The barracks.

MATT: Yes.

SAM: With a roof?

MATT: There is a roof to it, you don’t know if there’s any roof access. But there is a roof.

LIAM: Tiberius, can you turn me invisible now.

ORION: (sputtering)

SAM: But we’re still in the air, right? He’s gotta concentrate on that.

LIAM: He’s sitting on the carpet.

SAM: Yeah but he’s–

MARISHA: Thinking about–

SAM: Him flying.

ORION: I cast invisibility on you, that’s when everything happens.

(all laugh)

MARISHA: Just falls from the air.

LIAM: So are we floating above?

MATT: You guys are currently floating about 100 to 150 feet above the war camp, you do not appear to have been noticed yet.

TRAVIS: Get down there and wing it.

SAM: Should we land on the roof? Or do we land right outside the barracks door? What do we do?

ASHLEY: Roof, roof, roof.

SAM: You guys wanna stay up and we’ll go down?

TRAVIS: You go! Yes.

SAM: Yeah?


MARISHA: We can start on the roof, that way that gives us time.

LIAM: But I can’t go invisible while you’re flying.

TRAVIS: Who needs you to be invisible? You’re a stealthy bastard.

ORION: We land on the roof, we get in there, I cast Invisibility on you, and then you go do your thing.

LIAM: We’re running the risk of as we come down on Duergar, going (groans).

ORION: We would risk that anyway, either way.

SAM: I’m so scared right now.

(all laugh)

TRAVIS: Why don’t we land on the roof and we all lay flat, except for the people that are going in, and you cast Invisibility.

SAM: This is the exact conversation they had when they were about to go kill Osama.

(all laugh)

ORION: Wait, I have an idea.


ORION: Is there enough weight for me get on the carpet at this point?

ASHLEY: This is fucking stressful.

MATT: You can certainly try. There was weight, but you’re not aware of how much was on it.

ORION: Yes I do, it’s 1000 pounds.

MATT: You don’t know how much weight is on there, total.

ORION: Everybody, how much do you weigh?

SAM: Don’t ask a woman that!

ORION: I’m sorry, Your Highness, but I need to know. The idea is if, I can step off on the carpet, and hang with you guys, then Grog you can float down to the whatchamacallit, and take Vax here, then I can, oh shit, I need to be near you to cast it, damn it!

(all laugh)

MARISHA: Let’s just land on the roof.

ASHLEY: Let’s land on the roof.

LIAM: We’re gonna go in, we’re gonna hit the roof, you turn me invisible, he turns him invisible, you guys light up the night, and we just do it, we just gotta go.

ASHLEY: We’re lighting up now?

SAM: You light up on the roof? Let’s look for access first. Don’t light up 'til we give the go aside.

ASHLEY: We’re still not safe stealthy.

ORION: We need to wait before we light up.

LIAM: If anyone takes notice, then turn off the lights.

SAM: By the way–

TALIESIN: Do not light up until you see the black or greens of their eyes.

SAM: By the way, Clarota–Clarota you have definitely picked the right people to assist you.

MATT: There’s no verbal response, but you do just emotionally sense a slight hint of regret.

(all laugh)

MATT: Emanating from the mind flayer.

SAM: We got this! All right, let’s go land on the roof.

LIAM: All right, let’s do it.

MATT: You guys descend.

ORION: Down, down.

MATT: Eagle flies down, you both, (wind rushing), as part of the landing, everyone make a secondary stealth check.

TALIESIN and MARISHA: We still have that plus 10?

MATT: You still have the spell.

ORION: Oh yes!

MARISHA: Oh, that was cocked.


MARISHA: Oh, no!

TALIESIN: You’re a terrible person.

SAM: 30.

ORION: 20.

MARISHA: I’m like those boobies, that crash land when they fall.

MATT: You rolled at disadvantage?

MARISHA: Well, I rolled a one.

MATT: Okay. Two failures.

TALIESIN: That’s a 15, 29.



LIAM: 28.

MATT: Pass Without A Trace is the saving grace. A bit of a harsh landing, from your perspective, but thankfully you have two small gnomes to break your fall.

ASHLEY and SAM: (groan)

MATT: You drag them a little bit across the stonework on the top. It’s not stonework, actually. Most of this whole thing, is stonework, it looks like the roof of this is made of like a thick scavenged wood. Whether it was taken from the surface or from the mines itself, it is just wooden planks that are all keeping–

ASHLEY: Let’s go in through the roof.

TALIESIN: It’s reclaimed, it’s very nice.

LIAM: If that thing sees us, though, it could be game over. I still think we should stick to the plan of blinding it.

ORION: Yeah, do it.

SAM: So some of us need to go inside.

LIAM: You and I.

TRAVIS: Yeah, the two go inside, and if shit goes down, we light it up.

LIAM: I will fucking yell into my earring if shit goes down, and you guys gotta pray for me.

TRAVIS: Go find shit!

SAM: We look around for any roof access.

TRAVIS: Come on, Chip 'n’ Dale.

MATT: Looking around, there is no roof entrance. It looks like it is purely a functional roof for any weathering, rocks, you do see there are a few small rocks and pieces of cavern that may have plummeted here.

SAM: No chimneys.

MATT: No chimneys, no nothing, there doesn’t appear to be a fireplace, or any sort of interior like that. Glancing over the sides, you can see that on the floor– You can’t really tell if there’s two floors or not, it looks tall enough to have two floors, but you don’t see a set of windows or anything that belies that to you. May just be a really tall single floor. But there are a couple of small window openings, one on each side of–


SAM: We’re gonna go–

LIAM: Tiberius, could you do me a favor of making me disappear?

ORION: Yes, when I do this, though, it’s going to be very cool.

(all laugh)

LIAM: Holy shit, where are my hands?

ORION: Right?

MATT: You immediately disappear from view. You currently, visually do not exist.

MARISHA: And you still have my buff.

TRAVIS: We’re like, flat on the roof, right?

MATT: You guys are all on the roof now, you’re fine. Your Fly spell vanishes, you feel your weight return to you for a second. For a split moment you’re a little sad, 'cause you were having fun.


(all laugh)

TRAVIS: I was a dancer.

SAM: We can see the window, we pick one of the sides, I don’t know, west side.

MATT: West side!

SAM: Is it a single pane? Is it an openable window?

MATT: As you glance over, it is just an opening. There is no glass. There is nothing blocking the way. It is about roughly big enough to fit a normal-sized half-elf or human.

LIAM: I take Scanlan by the scruff, and swing him down.

SAM: Oh, I turn invisible.

MATT: As you grab him and you’re bringing him down, you cast Invisibility on yourself, you both vanish now, all the rest of you are kind of holding your breath, hoping that now that you don’t know what’s happening, it’s gonna go well.

LIAM: I’m scaling in after him.

LIAM: Go ahead and just make an acrobatics check.

SAM: Don’t roll a one, please don’t drop me.

LIAM: 18.

MATT: All right, yeah, you’re good. You gingerly scale down the wall, the stones thankfully are just haphazardly put together, where there’s enough grip space for you to catch on.

SAM: I have a climbing kit!

(all laugh)

LIAM: We’re in, we’re in.

MATT: Little late for that, but okay.

(all laugh)

MATT: You lower him down, you bring him inside, you step down through the opening, into the center of the hallway.

SAM: We can’t talk to each other.

TRAVIS: Yes we get a map, finally!

SAM: We can’t signal each other, and we don’t know where each other is. I hold his hand.

(all laugh)

LIAM: We’re holding hands, I’m leaning way down on the side.

TRAVIS: 'Course you are.

LIAM: Sam and I have done this before.

ORION: I use my earring.

SAM: I’m not gonna talk back to you, so whatever you say.

ORION: Just to remind you of how these particular things work, I’m not actually talking right now. So you can just talk to each other through the rings.

MATT: As the two of you step into this room, you look about you, and there are some ramshackle, makeshift beds in the room. Five to be exact, from right to left. This appears to be one portion of a barracks-type sleeping arrangement. Beds are empty, they’re kind of tossed, they’re not like well-kept or anything. There’s sheets kind of tossed about, and it smells awful in here, but it–

LIAM: First, I just heard Tiberius’ voice in my head. So I’m going to test it out and think. Scanlan, can you hear me?

SAM: Can I hear him?

MATT: From?

LIAM: I heard Tiberius whispering about.

SAM: From thoughts only, can I hear him?


LIAM: I tug on his hand to keep going into the barracks.

SAM: I notice that his hand is weirdly cold and sweaty.

MATT: Yeah, not weirdly.

LIAM: You just lean to live with the stage fright, you never move past it. Should we pause right now?

MARISHA: You didn’t bring your stuff?

LAURA: I didn’t have it!

ORION: Come on in!

LIAM: Look, my sister’s here.

LAURA: Hello!

LIAM: We’ll make it work. We’ll bring you up to speed later, you’re on the roof of Osama Bin Laden’s house.

(all laugh)

LIAM (CONT'D): So question for the DM, I’m invisible. Do I need to stealth, do I stealth?

MATT: There’s still a stealth check 'cause you’re invisible, but noise is still a factor. You just have advantage on your stealth check.

LIAM: So, I think we should probably stealth. And start moving in.

SAM: Yeah, that’s, we tug each other.

MATT: Beyond being invisible, you guys make your stealth check.

SAM: I mean, I’m invisible, and I rolled a five.

MATT: You have an advantage, you roll twice. 'Cause you’re both invisible.

SAM: 13.

LIAM: 20.

MATT: All right. You both feel you’re stealthed, there is one opening into a hallway here.

LIAM: We have, does anyone have a laser light?


LIAM: All right.

TRAVIS: Squeeze it together. Press the little button.

LIAM: Squeeze it together? Ah, there we go. Okay so we’re going to go down here.

MATT: Down to this one. As you guys step out, you can see immediately there are two duergar guards right by a door that leads to a central chamber.

LIAM: So we’re gonna go this way.

MATT: All right. Immediately you see–

TRAVIS: I like how you guys have different-colored lightsabers.

MATT: Two more Duergar guards.

TRAVIS: (lightsaber noises)

LIAM: All right, I’m inching up, I’m pulling Scanlan behind me, but I’m inching up to this door, just peeking through, seeing what I can see.

MATT: Okay, looking inside, you can see these small symbols, basically just red stone, the glow stone, that lights the underground caverns here and in a large portion of Kraghammer, are just embedded in the wall in a small sconce. Peering through here, you see one against the wall, you also see along the edges here, what looks to be racks of spears and pikes and hammers and various war accoutrements of weapons, just hanging, and there’s a set of armor, over a small, wooden arrangement, the armor itself is just being stored there. This looks to be like a fast-grab armory.

LIAM: Okay. I pull Scanlan by the hand, and we enter into this room.

SAM: This is so romantic.

LIAM: It’s just like the day we met, Sam.

MAT: You guys enter.

LIAM: Quietly walking this way. We’re past the door, that looks like the front door.

MATT: It is the front door, it is currently closed, though.

LIAM: We’re gonna keep going this way.

SAM: Oh man, we’re doing– we’re flanking!

MATT: Just come out this way. There is one duergar here. There doesn’t appear to be a doorway or entrance to the central chamber on this side of the hallway.

SAM: That’s pretty good.

LIAM: I still have the pitch in a bucket. The shit in a bucket in my hand, by the way.

SAM: We can take these guys, I’m not worried about that.

LIAM: But we’d make noise. How far apart are the two duergar standing in that door?

MATT: They’re about five feet apart, just enough space, like one is on each side of the doorway.

LIAM: Okay.

SAM: Wait. What are those red things right there?

MATT: Those are the small sconces with the glow stone, the red stone that lights the–

SAM: So we’re trying to get there.

ORION: – with Greater Invisibility, so you can attack, and you’ll still be invisible.

LIAM: I pull a gold coin out of my pocket, and throw it in this corner.

SAM: This is straight up Metal Gear.

(all laugh)

MATT: Go ahead and just make a general dexterity check.

LIAM: And because of Keyleth, I have advantage, correct?

MATT: Yes.

ORION: Sure do.

LIAM: So this is, what is this?

MATT: Just a dexterity modifier.

LIAM: So that’s a 17.

MATT: All right, you–

(coin ringing)

MATT (CONT'D): Ringing sound, both of the duergar kinda look over. They look at each other. Grunt for a second. This one nods her head and begins walking over to inspect it, this one stays at its post.

MARISHA: (Metal Gear voice) Must have been my imagination.

(all laugh)

LIAM: I pull Scanlan behind me, and tiptoe right behind this asshole.

TRAVIS: Do it! Put it in him!

LIAM: And take out my vorpal blade. And reach out and grab him by the hair and stick it in the back of his neck.

SAM: You got my dice.

MATT: All right, so, as you reach up, you grasp the back of this really nasty, wiry, thick duergar hair–

LIAM: I’m so tense right now.

MATT: You yank the head back, and take the base of the blade, go ahead and make an attack roll. It’s a surprise roll, so you have an advantage on the attack.

LIAM: Okay, good.

MATT: I believe you have a bonus too, if you get the attack.

LIAM: Yes.

MARISHA: Sneak attack?

LIAM: Well, I get–Yes, I get advantage, but you can’t triple up on advantage I believe?

(loud bang offscreen)

SAM: What was that?

MATT: That was to freak you out. All right, so just double-checking here as part of your ability.

SAM: Remember every 50 subscribers gets a free giveaway.

ORION: Subscribe now, kids.

ASHLEY: What is that smile?

MATT: If you score it, and the creature is surprised, it is a critical hit, that’s the other thing I was going to mention.

LIAM: Thank you. So this isn’t a dexterity check, this is an attack.

MATT: This is an attack.

LIAM: Okay. So that’s a 26.

MATT: That is going to hit, and that is a critical hit. Go ahead and roll damage with Sneak Attack.


LAURA: Die die die.

LIAM: I’m sweating. Okay, that’s two plus seven is nine. That’s nine, that’s just that part. Six. Seven. Nine. 14. And 19. Which is, what’s doubled, the Sneak Attack damage?

MATT: The Sneak Attack damage and the dice damage.

MATT: And the dice damage, 19 plus, is 26, 52.



MATT: As you pull the head back, you can hear a slight, a slight (gurgles) is about as much noise as can make it out before the blade just, right out the front of its throat, blocking any passage of the air. As you hold it, you twist the blade, it goes limp in your hand, but you catch it and keep holding it there, so it doesn’t make any noise. You’re now clutching a dead duergar.

SAM: Easy, easy.

ASHLEY: (shushes) Night-night.

LAURA: Oh yeah!

TRAVIS: Lean him up against the wall! Like he’s standing there.

LIAM: Just had a thought, I’m going to sit him back against the wall, and let him slide against it, and grab Scanlan, and into the room.

MATT: Into this room?

MARISHA: There’s Scanlan.

TALIESIN: He’s still standing up, kind of.

LAURA: Why is he leading Scanlan, what’s happening?

LIAM: (shushes)

SAM: While I’m invisible, I look around for traps. I’m just gonna see if there’s any trap doors.

MATT: Go ahead and make a perception check.

SAM: Not great?

LIAM: I got a 28.

SAM: Nine.

MATT: You notice no traps. What you do notice, though, is there a giant kind of war room table, at the top of this raised platform. It’s about six feet up, and there’s a stairway that leads up to it. You see at the table. One of the illithid mind flayers. The armored general that you saw before. And there are two other duergar currently at the table.

TRAVIS: Nope, nope, nope, nope.

ASHLEY: Stay invisible.

SAM: We can’t communicate.

TRAVIS: You guys have got seconds until that other guard comes back.

LIAM: We can’t talk.

MATT: You hear footsteps behind you.

LIAM: I put the bucket of shit into Scanlan’s hands.

LAURA: What are you doing?

LIAM: Give him a little nudge, a gentle little nudge.

SAM: I step forward into the room, and I hurl it at the fucker’s face. The mind controllers.

LIAM: And I’m rolling behind him at the same time. Behind the illithid, ready to go.

MATT: So I’ll say you go up here as well?

LIAM: Oh yeah, behind him, behind him.

LAURA: What is happening?

MATT: Make a stealth check, both of you.

TRAVIS: Oh God, oh God. Oh God, over extended.

SAM: Wait, do we get the plus ten to stealth?


LIAM: Plus advantage, oh thank christ.

SAM: 19.

LIAM: Using Scanlan’s advantage, so 16, 29.


MATT: Okay. You slink up behind, seemingly unnoticed. There’s a slight twitch to the mind flayer’s head, for a second, as you go ahead, and take a big ol’–

SAM: Bucket of shit!

MATT: And fling it.

(all laugh)

MATT (CONT'D): Go ahead and make an attack roll. It would be, you’re not proficient with goblin shit buckets, unfortunately, so go ahead and roll a d20, and add your dexterity.

ORION: (groans)

SAM: My dexterity?

MATT: Dexterity or strength, whichever’s higher, strength higher?

SAM: No, no, strength is not higher for me. Oh, it is higher! So 19.

MATT: All righty.

TALIESIN: Oh my God.

MATT: You fling it as the Invisibility spell wears off of you as part of the attack, you fling the bucket. A spray of thick, green, goblin fecal matter goes streaking through the air as the illithid turns, its eyes wide, to see you suddenly appear, and then suddenly see this entire batch of thick goblin shit just (splashes) across its face. Suddenly you see his tentacles writhing, as it screams, all of you hear in your head a scream.

LIAM: I’m stabbing, I’m stabbing!

ORION: I cast Stoneskin immediately.

MATT: As this happens, you cast Stoneskin, you go in for the blade, and you hear a counter voice in your mind.


MATT: Clarota going, “Now.”

MARISHA: I cast Light on Grog’s head!

MATT: Your head comes to an extremely bright glow, all of you averting your gaze.

LIAM: This is stealth, right? Stealth for me?

MATT: No, you’re invisible.

LIAM: Oh, okay.

SAM: Attack, attack, kill him!

LIAM: 29! 29!

MATT: That definitely rolls to hit, you have surprise. Go ahead and roll.

LIAM: That’s a critical, right? I’m assassinating this mother fucker.

MATT: It’s a critical, technically. Yep.

SAM: We’re going for the general?

LIAM: The illithid can control us all.

ASHLEY: Should we go in?

ORION: We don’t know anything.

MATT: So, roll damage on this.

LIAM: Roll my damage.

ORION: We just heard a scream. Oh, we can act on that.

TRAVIS: And I rage.

MATT: Stoneskin. Light on his head.


MATT: Going into a rage.

ASHLEY: Daylight on my shield.

MATT: Daylight on your shield.

LAURA: I’m so happy to be here.

(all laugh)

MATT: I will say for the purposes of this battle, there is no Trinket here, because Trinket would not have fit across the way to get there.

LAURA: Okay.

TRAVIS: Didn’t you give her an arrow?

TALIESIN: Yes, and you have an entrapment arrow now.

LAURA: Okay, I get ready for that.

LIAM: Okay, DM? 62 into the back of his head.

TALIESIN: Oh, shit!



LIAM: Critical hit.

MATT: You take the blade, and as it pierces the back–

LIAM: Oh, it’s a poison one by the way.

ORION: Damn!

MATT: It pierces the back of its skull, you feel the muscles in its neck tense in reaction to the blade, but the blade slips past. You can see a gout of purplish-black blood begin to spill from its neck, as it instinctually reaches up, and pulls the blade from the back of its head. What’s the DC on the poison?

LIAM: I have no idea.

MATT: It should be on the blade info.

LIAM: Poison dagger.


LIAM: I think it’s oh, it’s 15.

TALIESIN: This was a good plan.

MATT: The poison does not seem to take effect, the body resists it. It is still alive. But it’s clutching the back of its neck, as it turns around going (sputters), you can see its blood spurting out of its mouth, and its eyes are now just burning with rage. All the rest of these duergar are now reaching and pulling their weapons out. Everyone roll initiative.

(all yell)

LAURA: I don’t have my stuff with me.

LIAM: Natural 20.

MATT: Oh, shit.

SAM: Let’s kill some bad guys.

TRAVIS: I don’t know what you’re doing.

MATT: All right, so. 25 to 20?

LIAM: 20. Natural 20.

MATT: But you have no bonuses? You should have your dex bonus too.

LIAM: Oh yeah, that’s a 25.

MATT: So, I’m gonna say you’re probably going in first, buddy.


MATT: All right, 20, 25 to 20, anyone else?

LAURA: Oh, I think I got like a 21.

MATT: What’d you roll?

LAURA: I got 16 plus–

MATT: Yep, that’d be 21, yeah. All right, so. 19, anyone?


MATT: 19, nice.


TALIESIN: Gonna wing it.

MATT: 18, anyone?


MATT: Nice.

ORION: I got 16.

MARISHA: Do you have like a picture, or a file anywhere, saved of your–

LAURA: I got jack shit!

MARISHA: Of your sheet?

LIAM: We snuck into the war camp.

LAURA: We’re in the war camp?

LIAM: We all landed on the top of their main building.

MATT: So, what’s your?

SAM: 14.

ORION: I have 16.

MATT: 16, all right, so Tiberius. Scanlan, what was yours?


MARISHA: Also nine.

ASHLEY: Not to brag.

TRAVIS: Ashley’s first two rolls were 20s.

MATT: All right, top of the round is Vax, with initiative.

LIAM: I’m just gonna (grunts) in the back of his head some more. I’m still invisible according to Tiberius’ Greater Invisibility spell.

ORION: No no no, as soon as I cast Stoneskin, you were attacking, that’s why I said this is all going–

MATT: You are now visible, you are not stealthed.

LIAM: Stab him in the back of the head. For assassinate, do I get the critical still here, DM?

MATT: No. You’ve gotten the one hit, it is completely aware of you, it is not a surprise attack.

LIAM: So this is a 28.

MATT: It is so aware of you, it has never been more aware of you in its life.

(all laugh)

LIAM: I just rolled a 28.

MATT: Okay, that definitely hits. Attacking with your off hand?

LIAM: Oh, so this is my bonus attack?

MATT: Yeah, you get the one attack, then you get the bonus hand. Which is just dice damage.

LIAM: Okay, this is fire. My flame tongue dagger, I got two plus six is eight.

MATT: Eight?

LIAM: Eight.

MATT: All right. And your other attack? Are you doing your bonus attack?

LIAM: Was that the bonus attack? Or was that my main attack?

MATT: This is your new combat round, that was your main attack.

LIAM: That’s a nine, and here comes my bonus attack. Okay, 14.

MARISHA: Kill him.

LIAM: 24.

MATT: 24 hits.

LIAM: Here comes my keen dagger. Which is an eight.

MATT: Eight damage?

LIAM: Yes.

MATT: So the first strike, you swing across with the flame tongue dagger. As it backs up, you put another gash across the front of its neck and chest area. It reels back and is looking at you with angry fury. You feel this coming shake, this horrible force of severe retribution coming to your mind, and as you’re bracing for it, you take your other blade, you see its mouth opens up with frustration and anger as its tentacles kinda curl back, and just go in for the grab. You place the blade squarely into that maw, you feel the scraping of its teeth across your knuckles, but it doesn’t matter, because whatever anger and light was once in its face, goes dark and dull.

(all cheer)

MATT: As immediately it crumples to the ground, lifeless, pull the blade from the maw, mind flayer down.

(all cheer)

MARISHA: Yeah Vax!

MATT: He was next, but not anymore. As it falls to the ground, all the rest of the duergar immediately have a reaction. We’ll get to their turn in a second. Vex, you’re up. So you’re on the roof, up here right now.

SAM: Gotta get inside first.

LAURA: We have to run down in?

MATT: Run down, you’re on a wooden roof surface, you heard before there’s an entrance here, and an entrance there.

LIAM: Windows are swing-down-in-able.

SAM: Unless Grog can just tear through the roof.

LAURA: What was your initiative?

LIAM: It’s wood.

TALIESIN: You can hold initiative.

LAURA: I guess I’ll hold, I’ll hold, to see what the hell’s happening.

MATT: So you hold on that. It is now this dude’s turn, the general. He, unaffected by this, it seems, just angrily leaps on to the table, runs across, (groans), and jumps down towards you. As he does, you see his physical form seems to enlarge. His actual small dwarvish form begins to swell, his muscles tense. He’s about the size of a normal person, if not a little bigger right now. He comes at you with this giant black, jagged metal war hammer. (groans) Comes down to swing at you, as he comes down, you see it burst into flame. There’s fire now surrounding the head of this war hammer as it arcs toward you.

SAM: What?

MATT: That is going to be a 24 to hit.

LIAM: Oh, it hits, but I use Uncanny Dodge to try to swoop out of the way as best I can.

MATT: All righty. You suffer–That would be… 12 plus six fire damage, so, 18, reduced to nine. You take nine damage from the strike. As it strikes down, it goes for a back swing to attack you a second time. That is going to be a 15 versus AC. This time you just dodge completely out of the way. Derge out of the way.


LIAM: Er mah gerd, I derged.

(all laugh)

MATT: Percy, you’re up.

TALIESIN: Just in case, I’m going to push off and wait for Grog. So I’m holding my turn.

MATT: Okay, Grog, your turn.

TRAVIS: Right, so we’re on the roof of the thing, right?

MATT: Correct, you are.

TRAVIS: I’m in a rage, I take the pot still on my head, and I pick up my ax, and I draw one gigantic smash through the roof of the building.

MATT: Go ahead and make a strength check.

TALIESIN: God, yes.

ORION: This is all you’re good for.

MARISHA: Yes, come on Grog. This is all you’re good for.


MATT: 15?


MATT: All right.

MARISHA: Come on.

SAM: 15?

MATT: You bring your ax up, you bring it down on top as hard as you can, go ahead and roll ax damage.

TRAVIS: Is that a d12?

MATT: It’s a d12 plus your strength modifier. Plus two 'cause you’re raging.

TRAVIS: Do I get advantage on that?


TRAVIS: Seven.

LAURA: Plus two 'cause you’re raging.


MATT: Nine damage, okay. As you swing the ax down, slam, it hits the wood. With the sheer weight of you there, and most of you guys conglomerated at that point, the actual roof breaks open and splits, into a small space. You slide down in the process.

ASHLEY: I jump on to Grog’s foot.

(all laugh)

MATT: All right. Go ahead, both of you make an acrobatics check.

ASHLEY: Oh, I wouldn’t have had to do it. All right, well, I’m in the building.


MATT: Acrobatics check?


MATT: Pike? You have disadvantage 'cause you’re in plate armor.


MATT: All right, so Grog, you manage to land on your feet. Pike, you actually plummet off and fall off to the side, right there. You are currently prone, and from the fall, which you guys both dropped down, you managed to reduce the damage, but you from the fall, you take eight points of fall damage. You are now flat on your back, the wind knocked out of you for a minute.

SAM: Pike!

ASHLEY: I’m okay, I’m okay!

SAM: Oh okay, thank God.

MATT: All right. That brings us now, Vex and Percy are the same.

TALIESIN: You first? Or should I go first?

LAURA: Let’s go down at the same time.

TALIESIN: We’ll go, we both jump down at the same time.

MATT: Both jump down, go ahead and make your acrobatics checks, guys.


LAURA: Oh, I rolled really bad.

MATT: What did you roll?

LAURA: I rolled a two, but I add it to my acrobatics.

MATT: Yes, which is?

SAM: Which you don’t know.

LAURA: Which is like, I bet.

MATT: Your acrobatics, as you’re proficient in it, and you have plus five dex, so that would bring it to 11?


MATT: Or no, 12.


LIAM: Did you bring any Wheaton power from the other room?

(all laugh)

MATT: You just barely land on your feet, you do take fall damage, but you don’t fall prone. You take eight points of fall damage. Percy, you manage to land fine, without any damage, on your feet. On the ground, both of you kind of three-point landing. Avengers style.

TALIESIN: Do I have time to get a shot off?

MATT: You do, that was your movement. So what’s the deal?

TALIESIN: Wow, I’m taking a second, and I see that Vax is getting attacked, and I’m gonna just take a shot at the– The guy with the hammer. The biggest thing I see.

MATT: Do you have your glasses or goggles on?

TALIESIN: Yeah, that’s right, I have a helmet. So yeah, I’m wearing the helmet. I’m cool with that.

MATT: So go for it.

LIAM: Do it, Starlord.

TALIESIN: Ah! A natural 20.

(all cheer)

MATT: Against the general, or one of the duergar?

TALIESIN: The general.

LIAM: The guy on the table attacking me.

MATT: Yeah, you can just barely see him, the stairway is up there.

TALIESIN: Doesn’t matter, as long as I have– partial cover, it don’t matter.

MATT: Right, I know, and he does have, he has three-quarters cover because of the distance, but you natural 20’d, so it doesn’t matter.

TALIESIN: I can ignore it, I ignore three-quarters cover.

MATT: You do, because–

TALIESIN: I’m awesome.

MATT: Yep.

(all laugh)

TALIESIN: So that’s double 1d– I should have gotten some bonuses on that, I’m an idiot. Plus five. It’s just double dice damage?

MATT: Double dice damage, then add your modifier.


TALIESIN: That’s 19 points of damage.

MATT: To the general, nice.


MATT: (explosion) He gets shot in the back of the shoulderplate, you hear it ricochet and a little bit of blood begins to streak off the back of his head. He looks over his shoulder with an angry grunt, you can see now this dwarf, who’s still swelling in size. It looks, (growls), an angry nostril flare. You, have your bow ready?

LAURA: I wanna do Lightning Arrow on the guy attacking my brother.

MATT: That guy there?

LAURA: Yeah.

MATT: Okay, go ahead and roll to attack.

LAURA: Ugh, I don’t think I hit.

MATT: What’d you roll?

LAURA: I had rolled a four.

MATT: A four, you had a plus 11 to hit, it’s going to be a 15, unfortunately you miss. The arrow streaks past. Yeah, the arrow just ended up striking the wall back here and (explosion) arcs lightning throughout the wall, unfortunately does not–

LAURA: I Hunter’s Mark him anyway, just for future stuff.

MATT: You used your–

LAURA: That was a bon–

MATT: You used your bonus action to cast Lightning Arrow.

LAURA: Oh! So I get a regular attack now?

MATT: Well, that was part of your regular attack, like your next arrow you fired.

LAURA: I get it.

(all laugh)

TALIESIN: You’re going off-book, this is cool.

MATT: I think, let me double-check real fast, just to be sure. Because I don’t wanna screw you out of a cool turn.

LAURA: That is mine!

MATT: Next time bring your sheet.

LAURA: I’m sorry.

MATT: That’s okay. Yeah that’s a bonus action to cast lightning, into your next arrow you fire, however, you do have two attacks. So you can shoot a second time. It just isn’t affected by Lightning Arrow.

LAURA: I roll 14.

MATT: That does hit, go ahead and roll damage there’s 1d10, plus–

LAURA: I think it was 1d8, actually.

MATT: Oh, for the longbow? Okay, 1d8 plus five for your dex, and then plus two for the bow. Plus seven.


MATT: Ten damage, all right. So first arrow just streaks off, hits the wall. As he’s kind of staring at Percy, he looks towards you, and as he does, the second arrow sticks into the plate, he kinda looks at it. (grunts) Just snaps it off in the armor. Grabbing his two-handed sword, or sorry, the war hammer in the other hand. Minis, it’s confusing. All right, that ends your turn. Grog, the light that is beaming from your helmet currently right now is filling up the room, and it is extremely bright, most of you guys can handle it. You see all the duergar at the table like (groans), bunch of duergar come running in as well, as they run in, they’re having to shield their eyes, but it’s actually physically hurting them to be in that room right now. They’re like (groans). Keeping it at bay, this one attempts to run in, this one’s kind of making its way over. These guys here, this one’s gonna go ahead and run here, this one’s gonna go ahead and come to Grog. These two are gonna come up behind.

SAM: Is that guy the general?

MATT: That guy’s the general, yes. This one’s gonna come up behind to you. All right, they have disadvantage on their attacks.

ORION: Nice.

MATT: Because of the light.

(all cheer)

TRAVIS: 'Cause I’m so bright.

MATT: Attack against you.

MARISHA: You’re the brightest tool in the shed today.

MATT: That is a 17 versus AC. You just dodge out of the way. Next one, its war pick against you, Grog.

ASHLEY: Get skinny, get skinny.

MATT: That is 20 versus AC?

TRAVIS: That hits.

MATT: That hits, all right. You take eight points of damage as it slams you with its war pick in the chest, you can feel it kind of gets about a half an inch of depth into it, but you just kind of shrug it off, and flex your muscles and it pops it out of your torso.

TRAVIS: That’s cute.

MATT: The two against you. That’ll be a 19 versus AC.

LAURA: Oh, yeah, that hits for sure.

MATT: And a 17 versus AC.

LAURA: That– hits.

MATT: All right, so you take two hits. That’s 11 damage. And 13 damage as both of them start whaling you from behind with war picks.

LIAM: Vex'ahlia! I yell.

LAURA: 13 and what?

MATT: All right. Next up is the one that’s attacking you.

SAM: Scanlan.

MATT: Scanlan, that’s going to be, at a disadvantage, a 15 versus armor class.

SAM: 14.

MATT: 14? That still strikes you. You take eight points of damage from the war pick. Slamming you over the shoulder.

SAM: (yells out) Ah, I’m so awesome, Pike!

(all laugh)

MATT: That ends their go, Tiberius, you’re up.

ORION: I’m still on the roof, right?

MATT: You’re still on the roof, yes.

ORION: What can I see, like if I go down, what can I see?

MATT: You look through the hole, and you can see pretty much the entire battlefield. You’re just up here looking down through it.

ORION: Oh, wonderful.

MATT: You’re currently the only one still up there.

ORION: Yes, I think I’ll stay right here, thank you very much. And how tall is the roof? How high is it? 15 feet?

MATT: It’s about 25 feet up?

ORION: Okay, wonderful, wonderful. So, let me see here. This is fun.

MATT: You are technically, because I can do it.

TALIESIN: Gonna use one of the little lifties, aren’t you?

MATT: I am.

MARISHA: Finally.

LIAM: Bring the fire, Tiberus.

SAM: Oh. Toys.

MARISHA: Now he’s getting out toys.

TALIESIN: Aw yeah.

SAM: Come on, do something.

ORION: I’m waiting for him to do something, 'cause it’s so cool.

MARISHA: I got him this for Christmas two years ago, and he’s finally using it.

MATT: You are up here right now.

ORION: Awesome.

TRAVIS: Three-dimensional fighting.

LIAM: Toys, toys.

MATT: Is that visible?

TALIESIN: Yeah. Sweet D&D rave.

ORION: Okay. I’m going to– I see the two guards behind Vex, right? Is that what’s going on?

MATT: Yep, right there.

ORION: And then the one duergar in front of Grog? Is that what’s going on, too?

MATT: Yep, right there. Great, I will cast Grand Columns under all three of those dudes, and pin 'em. Right up against the roof. With my columns.

LIAM: Clever girl.

MATT: The?

ORION: Pillars, yes.

MATT: But those pillars only go 15 feet up.

ORION: No, they go up to 25.

MATT: 25? Oh nice.

ORION: Yeah.

MATT: Okay.

ORION: That’s why I always ask that question. It does 66 bludgeoning damage when it’s pinned.

ASHLEY: Bye bye.

SAM: If they don’t make their save.

MATT: All right, so. Go ahead and what is your DC on that? Your spell DC?

ORION: 17.

MATT: 17, all right. All right, the heartiness of the duergar resilience gives them advantage on saves against spells. They all make their saves.

SAM: What?

MATT: But they are still up on these platforms now, raised above. So what is– Does it do any damage if they make their saves?

ORION: (reading)

SAM: Come on iPhone, come on iphone!

MARISHA: You’re supposed to know everything!

SAM: iPhone five! This is the Fifth Edition.

ORION: Why doesn’t it say? I guess it doesn’t. It doesn’t say.

MATT: So they are currently–

SAM: What is this madness?

TALIESIN: Oh, you’re crazy.

ORION: Oh, wait a minute, no. You make this call. If a pillar is prevented from reaching its full height because of a ceiling or other obstacle, a creature on the pillar takes 66 bludgeoning damage and is restrained, pinched between the pillar and obstacle. The restrained creature can use an action to make a strength or dexterity check against the spell save DC. On a success they are no longer restrained, and must either move off the pole, or fall off of it. So they still, it still happens, but they’re not pinned by it. Got you, okay. So go ahead and roll damage for all of them.


MATT: Good to know. (sings) New spells that just got released.

LIAM: There’s magic in the dwarves.

SAM: Magic in them.

LIAM: The duergar.

MARISHA: ♫ A whole new spell

TALIESIN: ♫ A fantastic way to die

MARISHA: ♫ No one can tell us no

ORION: 27 damage.

MARISHA: ♫ Except for Matt

(all laugh)

MATT: All three of the duergar are crushed.

SAM: To death?

MATT: Against the ceiling.

ORION: I did 27 damage to each one.


MATT: Splat, splat, splat, they’re all slammed into the ceiling, you can see limp dwarf arms and legs now dangling out of the stone pillars that are now permanently embedding them into the ceiling.

LIAM: Yeah, son.

SAM: Crazy room!

ORION: I go like this, hah! I use two of my sorcerer points, and I cast Quicken Spell, and I look at the general, and I– Because of my books I’ve been tampering with, I cast Blight on his eyes. Okay. 'Cause I wanna.

(all laugh)

MATT: What’s the– the DC is 17, you said?


MATT: All right, natural 20. So he makes his save.

(all groan)

ORION: He takes 8d8 damage, and if he saves, he takes half the damage.

MATT: Okay.

ORION: 10, 15.

LIAM: They were all eights, right?

MARISHA: Well, he does all of them and then divides.

SAM: But you said half.

MARISHA: He rolls all of them and then divides.

SAM: I see.

ORION: 15 plus, what is that, ten, 14.

MARISHA: Your first one was–

ORION: 29?

MATT: So we’ll say a solid 14 points of damage. All right, gotcha. No other effect, just the damage from Blight, right?

ORION: Yeah, because he made his save.

MATT: All right, Scanlan, you’re up.

SAM: Oh, okay.

I’m going to, (groans).

God there’s so few people to kill now.

(all laugh)

SAM: You did it all, is it just us and the general?

LAURA: Wait, that guy behind you though.

MATT: Just you guys, the general. There’s a guy right behind you. Those guys got slammed.

SAM: Okay, I’m gonna cast Dominate Person on the general.

TRAIVS: (laughs) What does that do?

ORION: Oh shit.


LIAM: He’s a power top.

MATT: With advantage, he rolled a one and a two, on the saving throw.

(all cheer)

MATT: That’s ridiculous, okay.

SAM: I’m going to Dominate him and inform him, I can give him a command, right? Yes.

ORION: You can make him do whatever.

SAM: I’m going to tell him to stand down, and tell all of his allies to stand down.

MATT: All right. He turns around. Gives you a look, a strange look, he goes. “Men, all of you, drop your weapons! Now. We are surrendering to our new infiltrators.” He throws his war hammer to the ground. The rest of them all kind of look around. Go ahead and, I’m gonna have you make intimidation check on his behalf.

SAM: Okay, on his behalf?

MATT: Yes.

SAM: Do I add mine?

MATT: No, I’m just considering that, so you rolled 11?

SAM: 11.

(sings along with the music)

MATT: The three other duergar look confused, look at the dead mind flayer, look at their general telling them to surrender, and they all kinda throw their weapons to the ground, and stand there with their arms to the side, kind of waiting for what’s gonna happen next. As you finish that, Clarota slowly drifts down.

SAM: Oh yeah, Clarota, thanks for all the fucking help.

(all laugh)

LAURA: Oh no. This is gonna be bad.

MATT: Clarota just kinda looks around. Says, you hear this voice in your mind go, "I had my doubts, but, well done.”

ORION: Thank you.

MATT: So. That ends that turn. Scanlan, do you want to move at all? Are you going to stay where you are?

SAM: I’m gonna stay where, well, I’m gonna move just a couple feet away from the guy right behind me, and I’m going to, as my bonus action, might as well give Grog some dice. And also just tell everyone, remember, let’s not kill the general, we need him for information.

LIAM: Probably if anyone tries to hit him, he’ll snap out of it, so.

SAM: That’s it. I also take a little poo in my pants.

TALIESIN: Small kilo.

SAM: This is still– A battle? Even though. No combatants?

MATT: I mean, if you guys are deciding not to fight anymore, what’s your plan?

MARISHA: I– Come on down and I say, good work guys. That was cool, that was great.

SAM: He’s under my spell.

LAURA: Perhaps we should tie him up.

MARISHA: That’s what I was gonna say, I cast Grasping Vine and I just take a vine and I tie his hands behind his back. And kind of grapple him.

SAM: So that’ll break the spell.

MARISHA: Well no, I’m not damaging him, I’m just–

LIAM: Hugging him.


LAURA: Hugging him with vines.

TALIESIN: Vine hugs.

MATT: As this is happening, you guys feel a familiar tremble.

SAM: Oh no. Be quiet.

MATT: In the ground.

LIAM: DM is out of his mind.

MATT: Everyone make a stealth check.

(all laugh)

MARISHA: Damn it.

ORION: Oh, that’s a 20.

SAM: That is a 20.

MARISHA: (whimpers) This is the second time I rolled a one on my stealth check.


MARISHA: I’m not stealthy today.


LIAM: 18.

LAURA: 19.



LIAM: Pretty good overall.


SAM: 22.

MATT: All right. There is the rumble, gets louder and louder, and you can see the duergar looking around nervously. The rumbling kind of fades for a second. And with a cacophonous cracking sound, the stone floor beneath you splits open.

SAM: No!

MATT: Right here.

LIAM: (groans)

MATT: Percy, make an acrobatics check and try to avoid whatever is coming through.

SAM: Whatever? It’s a dragon!


LIAM: It’s a worm.

MATT: All right, you manage to just pull out of the way. As a large–

LAURA: What the fuck is that?

MARISHA: : What is that?

MATT: A large armored four-legged creature comes bursting out of the ground around you.

ORION: Oh great, it’s a rock butthole.

(all laugh)

MATT: Lets out this horrible screeching growl, has this kind of hungry look in its eyes.

MARISHA: Can I reactionary real quick, take my Grasping Vine and just lift him and kind of put him in the corner to keep the general safe?

MATT: Unfortunately, no.

ORION: Is he rooted?

MATT: He is currently–Is considered grappled.

LIAM: I have a question.

MARISHA: I was just trying to keep him safe.

LIAM: Can we take a potty break before?

SAM: A potty break? No breaks tonight!

LIAM: No breaks?

MARISHA: No breaks.

MATT: We’re pushing through. You need a bottle.

MARISHA: Exercise your kegels.

MATT: If you really need to go, you can. When it’s not your turn.

LIAM: No, I’m fine.

SAM: Just pee on Ashley, it’s okay.

CREW: Suck it up, man.

MATT: As this entity comes burrowing up from underneath the ground, it immediately makes a strike against–

SAM: Guys, this is so exciting. And Laura has no idea what’s going on.

LAURA: No clue, good times.

MATT: This is gonna be a bite attack against you, Percy. That is, all right, 24 versus armor class.

TRAVIS: Shit, bite is at 24.

TALIESIN: Yeah, that– That hits.

MATT: As you reactively attempt to move out of the way, this creature comes tearing out of the ground. Gets its bearings, rears back, and this giant, toothy maw comes clamping down onto your entire torso. You suffer 36 points of piercing damage.

SAM: Oh!

TALIESIN: The fuck?


MATT: 36 points of piercing damage. That’s going to end its turn.


MATT: Pike, you’re up.

ASHLEY: Okay, well.

TALIESIN: That hurt.

ASHLEY: I’m still prone?

MATT: You are prone, you can use your movement to get back up.

ASHLEY: Okay, I use my movement to get back up. Do I also get an attack for doing that?

MATT: You still have your action, and your bonus action, it’s just your move.

ASHLEY: Okay. I will use Guiding Bolt, and I’m gonna shoot that thing.

MATT: All right, go ahead and roll for the attack.

SAM: That’s my girlfriend.

TRAVIS: Come on, Pike.

MARISHA: Does this guy appear to be messed up by the Daylight at all?

ASHLEY: Okay. Do I add anything?

MATT: You add your spell attack modifier, it’s on your spell sheet. So the top of your spell sheet.

ASHLEY: Sorry guys. Oh sweet, okay, so. That would be 25.

MATT: That definitely hits. So, Guiding Bolt, what does that do?

ASHLEY: So I roll, where’d it go, I roll 4d6. I roll 4d6.

MATT: 4d6, go ahead and do that.

ASHLEY: Yes. 16.

MATT: 16, all right. So you reach back, clutching your holy symbol. You get back off the ground, release your hand as this suddenly flaring blast of divine energy comes cascading out of the front of your palm, blasting into the side of the face, nearly searing one of the eyes of the creature. It rears back, brings one leg up instinctually, (growls) slams the ground in the process–How you doing? That’s disadvantage to your next attack.


ASHLEY: Wait, what are you at?

TALIESIN: I’m at 38.

MATT: It lands, puts its foot back on the ground, and kinda gears its attention towards you. It’s angling around the room for what should be its next meal. Anything else you wanna do?

ASHLEY: Can I give him a healing potion? Can I heal him?

MATT: He’s too far away. You could use your bonus action if you wanna use Healing Word.

ASHLEY: Okay, I’ll use Healing Word.

MATT: Okay, so go ahead and roll that for him. While you’re doing that, brings us–So Clarota now gets its action.

MARISHA: Yeah, Clarota!

MATT: Clarota now looks wide-eyed, seeing this happen. You hear a slight voice in the back of your head go, “This is complicating.” As it rears back, you hear the slight echoing, screeching sound, that just manages to skirt the outside of your mental capacity. You feel like if you were any closer, or if it was directed towards you, it would be a horrible ringing pain in your head. You’re just peripheral to it. It makes its attack. Unfortunately, the exterior, the bulette, and/or its mind shielding is too strong, it seems to have no effect on the creature.

SAM: Damn it! Clarota, worthless!

MATT: A bulette, is the entity. That ends its turn, top of the round, Vax.

LIAM: Okay, I think, where’s the laser? Here it is. It looks like I have just enough squares to go one two three. Who’s this right here?

MATT: That’s a duergar. Weapon on the ground, not armed right now.

LIAM: Can I get to here on a turn? I can’t tell.

MATT: What’s your movement?

LIAM: It’s 30 feet. I’ll use my bonus action to click my haste boots together.

MATT: Okay, then you can definitely do that.

LIAM: Okay, and since Percy is right up against it, I’m able to deal Sneak Attack damage, because there’s another one of its foes.

MATT: Exactly, yes. You don’t get an advantage on the attack, but if you attack, you do it.

LIAM: So I’m gonna try to strike him in his underbelly.

MATT: All right. Even the underbelly itself is heavily armored, you have to kind of gauge quickly where the plate is.

LIAM: 20.

MATT: 20? 20 hits. Go ahead and roll with your Sneak Attack damage.

MARISHA: So 20 hits?

LIAM: Oh, and it was–Never mind. So three. There we go. 22.

MATT: 22 damage? All righty. Got it. Cool, that brings us to– The general is going to attempt to make a saving throw.

SAM: Shit. He can do that?

MATT: Every time he gets a turn round, he gets a chance to break out of the–And he does.

SAM: Oh, he broke out?

LAURA: (gasps)

MATT: Shrugs off the mental influence of the Dominate spell. However, he is not currently armed. He uses his movement, or action to pick up the war hammer. Fury and anger is in his eyes.

MARISHA: He’s still grappled.

SAM: No no, he just broke out, right?

MARISHA: Oh, from the grapple, too?

MATT: Yeah, he used his whole turn to break out of the grapple and grab its weapon, that’s all he can do.

SAM: Where is he?

MATT: Right there.

LIAM: To fight the bulette? Or to–

MATT: You have no idea.

LIAM: Oh, we don’t know, oh. He could just be reacting to the bulette.

MATT: The flames on the hammer are out too. But it picks up the war hammer, it’s cold black steel currently.

TRAVIS: We got our Davy Jones in the room, he’ll take care of the dwarves.

MATT: That brings us to…Grog.

TRAVIS: (groans) Kitty! I would like to go into a frenzied rage, and charge at Clifford the big red dog.

(all laugh)

MATT: You leap off the higher platofrm, come rushing out with your ax in the air, as you come down using the full weight of your body behind the attack, go ahead and roll your three attacks.

TRAVIS: All right, I have nine, eight, 17.

SAM: You have one dice from me. I’ve inspired you.


SAM: (singing) Grog. Grog.

TRAVIS: Is it a 20 or is it a what?

MATT: You get to add a d8 to an attack roll.

SAM: If you have a shitty attack roll, add a d8 to it, if you have a shitty roll.


ORION: Grog, smash right through his plate thingy.

MATT: Barely hits.


MATT: Hits, all three attacks hit.

TRAVIS: Yeah, that one hits, 16 plus eight.

MATT: So all three attacks hit, roll damage for three hits. As you come now, just slamming your grey ax, into the side of this armored beast, just over and over again. Cleaving this nice little wide section of its armor on the side.

LIAM: Take his fucking head off.

TRAVIS: 14. 21. 21 again.



LAURA: Oh, so. 22, 21, and 14.

SAM: Whoa.

LAURA: I was doing his math.

(all laugh)

MATT: 21, 22, and 14 you said?


SAM: 57.

TRAVIS: I don’t wanna do math and show you all up.

LIAM: That’s a level nine barbarian.

MATT: So, slam him, you see a portion of its side armor splits, you can see a little bit of that dark red, fleshy interior. You do a significant amount of damage, and leave a nice little weak point in its armor. However, it still doesn’t seem to be entirely phased by the damage, it just kinda shrugs at the damage, and kinda glares at you for a second. One of its eyes that was focused on Percy and Keyleth, now looks over at you Jurassic-Park style, with the t-rex up at the side of the vehicle. Vex?

LAURA: I back up a little bit. Yeah, like that. And I’m gonna cast Hail of Thorns on him.

MATT: Okay.

SAM: Sounds nasty.

LAURA: Right? I’m gonna shoot like a regular attack.

MATT: So your bonus action to cast Hail of Thorns, and then you attack with the arrow, go for it.


MATT: You’re adding 11 to it.

LAURA: Okay, good, then that’d be 18.

MATT: 18? 18 hits.

LAURA: Yes, so I was casting that as a level three spell. I roll 3d– that means I roll 3d10.

MATT: Against the creature?

LAURA: Against 14 which is my spell level thingy.

TRAVIS: 3d10.

LAURA: Yeah, 1d10 for damage.

MATT: Yep, go for it.

LAURA: That is an eight-sided dice, yay!

MATT: There yougo.

LAURA: An eight.

MATT: That’d be 25.

LAURA: I get another attack, so I’m gonna do that. Natural 20!

(all cheer)

MATT: Nice, all right, go ahead and roll damage, double the dice and add your modifier of seven.

LIAM: That arrow just went slow mo.

LAURA: Double the dice. 15.

MATT: 15, all right. So what happens here is you pull an arrow out, as you whisper a couple of words under your breath, you see all these thorny spikes being to shoot out the shaft of the arrow. You release it and as it strikes in the front of its face, the arrow actually splinters, sending a bunch of these thorns all over its torso, piercing an inch or two into its armor with each blast of these thorns. It kinda rears back and tries to shake itself off. As it does, you get a little bit of a look as Grog backs away from it, checking to see the wound he left. You take your secondary arrow, aim for the red soft spot, boom, slips right past the armor plating, doing the extra damage on the interior of its physical self. Awesome, that’s your turn I believe.

ASHLEY: Good turn.

MATT: Percy, you’re up.

TALIESIN: Okay, is my hand still stuck in its mouth?

(all laugh)

TALIESIN (CONT'D): I would like it to be.

MATT: If you’d like to, yeah, you could’ve left it there.

TALIESIN: Do I have an advantage to hit if my gun is in its mouth?

(all laugh)

MATT: You are considered grappled if you leave your hand there. You can remain grappled for advantage on the attack roll.

TALIESIN: Done. So I get to roll twice?

MATT: You do.

MARISHA: This is a whole new meaning to point-blank.


MATT: 19, that’ll hit.

TALIESIN: Okay, I spent some grit on this, and did some interesting modifiers.

MATT: How much grit did you spend?

TALIESIN: Two points of grit.

MATT: Okay, this is the–

TALIESIN: The Deadshot. And I also took a negative five hit for a plus ten damage to this shot, and I’m using my fire modifier. I’m just being an asshole.

(all laugh)

MARISHA: That’s amazing.

TALIESIN: That’s… 16 and 20, 35 points of fire damage inside of its mouth.

MATT: So, your hand inside, you pull back and fire, knowing which barrel is next. You hear this dull(muffled explosion) sound, and its eyes kinda pulse for a second, in intense fury and pain, smoke just billows out the sides of its mouth, and its nostrils, and it begins to kind of shake its head, lifting you about a foot off the ground, painfully, but you think it’s worth the deal. Well done.

TALIESIN: Thank you.

LIAM: Aw man.

MATT: I will say that ends your turn.

LIAM: Thank you Gary Gygax, wherever you are.

(all laugh)

MATT: All right. The duergar, currently seeing the situation, and the change of tone, go and grab their weapons.

TRAVIS: Change of tone.

(all laugh)

TRAVIS (CONT'D): Shit got real.

MATT: This duergar is going to move up, back to you, Scanlan, as it sees that you were the one that took over the general.

SAM: Dicks, bring it.

LIAM: Dicks.

MATT: This one comes rushing in.

MARISHA: Aw, come on.

LIAM: Freakin’ tank in the room.

MARISHA: There’s a bigger problem, bro.

MATT: Opportunists, man. It rushes after you, actually.

LIAM: ♫ Why can’t we be friends

ALL: ♫ Why can’t we be friends

MATT: All right, the attack against you, Scanlan. That is gonna be a 17 versus AC. All right, this one is actually also physically growing in size as it comes towards you.

SAM: It’s getting hard.

(all laugh)

MATT: You suffer 16 points of damage.

ORION: Such a bummer.

MATT: As the war pick comes slamming into your side. You see it’s coming, but you’re just not fast enough. It hits you, on impact, it may have cracked a rib, you’re not sure. The one that’s coming up against you, rolls, that’s going to be a 17 versus armor class.

LIAM: Fuck you.

MATT: You see it and just duck out of the way, its war pick slams into the stone wall next to you, with a horrible screeching stone sound. High-AC rogue, yo. All right that ends their turn, Tiberius, you’re up.

ORION: I’m looking in, I’m like, oh, that’s no good. I look at where he made the crack in the armor, where is that, is that in the head?

MATT: It’s in the head area, right over here.

ORION: Right, awesome. I’m going to kind of motion towards the mind flayer, and give a telepathic wink.

MATT: It is on the ground.

ORION: Yeah.

SAM: Are you flirting with it?

MATT: You make a telepathic wink.

ORION: And I’m going to cast Telekinesis, and I’m going to pry open the metal. I’m not going to target the creature, I’m going to target the armor.


MATT: Interesting thought, okay. See if it– the 17 is the DC?


TRAVIS: This could be cool.

MATT: All right, it fails. So here’s what happens. For the effect of this. It suffers, I’m gonna say it suffers about 2d6 points of damage from the tearing. So go ahead and roll that.

ORION: Six damage.

MATT: So six damage, however, you have effectively reduced its armor class by five.


MATT: In doing so.

SAM: Ooh!

ORION: And I’m going to spend two more sorcery points, and do the spell again. I’m going to do a– I’m gonna do Firebolt, right in the hole. And I’m going to use my metamagic wand to fire the spell.

MARISHA: Fire in the hole!

MATT: All right, go for it!

SAM: He has so many dice, it’s crazy.

ORION: Oh, that hits.

TALIESIN: Actually, does that crit? Does your 19 crit?

MATT: No. Usually, 20 is only crit, except for, I think he has a bonus ability.

SAM: Critical Role by the way, name of the show.

(all laugh)

MATT: It’s okay, you’re good, and you’re a fighter, which means eventually you’ll end up with four attacks per round anyway, so you’re fine.

ORION: Can’t do that.

TALIESIN: I’m looking forward to it.

MATT: Damage, what you got? Scanlan, you’re on deck, by the way.

SAM: I’m ready.

ORION: I zap him, I zap him for one.

MATT: Okay.

(all laugh)

ORION: No, no no no, I empowered it. Full, it takes ten damage. 'Cause I empowered the spell.

MATT: That’s correct, so. As you pull down with the ray, it streaks down across the ceiling portion of the building, right into the fleshy, exposed part of its armor, now it looks like it has this giant jagged scar in the side of its head, where you can see muscle and sinew pulsing with each of its movements. You blast into it, you can see this darkened black portion of its interior flesh, it’s now charred, slight embers beginning to percolate and burn on the outskirts of the impact. Well done, you gonna stay where you are?


MATT: Scanlan, what you got?

SAM: Okay, I’m going, I know he’ll get a hit on me, but I’m gonna run away from the guy behind me, run straight at the general, and just open out my arms in an outstretched big hug, and I’m like, come here big guy, come here! And I give him a big hug, and upon touching him, I cast Banishment on him and send him to another dimension.

ORION: Nice!

MATT: All right.

(all laugh)

MATT (CONT'D): As you move away, the duergar is going to attempt to make, as a reaction, to make an attack on you.

SAM: It’s okay, it’s all cool for Pike.

MATT: That’s going to be a 13 versus armor class.

SAM: Does not hit.

MATT: You hear it coming, as you’re walking, “buddy!”

(all laugh)

MATT (CONT'D): Duck under a war pick. With advantage on its saving throw. What’s the DC?


MATT: The DC on your spell?

SAM: Well, if I’m doing it through my cone, it’s 19.

MATT: I will say for this, you do not have it through your cone, because you had your arms open, you didn’t specify, however, it still fails it’s saving throw. The general, as you reach up, he has his war pick ready. Pulls back its war pick as the flames burst in.

(all laugh)

MATT (CONT'D): Then blinks out of existence.

(all cheer)

ORION: Nice move.

ASHLEY: One down, one down.

SAM: Oh, he’s gone, oh, where did he go? I don’t know.

MATT: How long does it last, by the way?

SAM: It’s concentration.

(all laugh)

MATT: Okay. All right.

LIAM: Scanlan Shorthalt, playing Vegas, ladies and gentlemen.

SAM: Do I get a bonus?

MATT: You do get a bonus action.

SAM: Okay, I’m just going to sing a little ditty to Pike, just to give her a little inspiration. I’ll just do some pelvic thrusting– a little (guitar), that’s a flute, by the way.

(all laugh)

ORION: Super, play that thing.

MATT: His electric flute gives you a d8 inspiration dice, so you can add that to any attack rolls.

LIAM: He can do anything with any instrument.

ASHLEY: Sweet licks on your flute.

(all laugh)

MATT: All right, so, Keyleth.

MARISHA: So, upon seeing this big thing crash in, and I’m like, oh. Now you’re really angry. But I just kind of analyze him and I say okay, and then I go, (grunts), and I turn into a rhinoceros.

ALL: Ooh!

MATT: Okay, I don’t have a rhinoceros mini on me, so we’ll use a bear for the time being, but we’ll know it’s a rhinoceros.

SAM: Why don’t you have a rhinoceros?

MATT: 'Cause I was not prepared for such things.

LIAM: Way to slack off, Mercer.

MATT: Hey, I’m gonna order a rhinoceros now, you happy? I’m gonna go to Toys R Us.

TALIESIN: Get the whole animal collection. Actually got them, the whole set.

MATT: So you transform into a rhinoceros, now basically facing an armored beast with an armored beast.

MARISHA: Kaiju battle.

(all laugh)

MATT: Whatcha got, whatcha doing?

MARISHA: I’m charging him.

TRAVIS: Activity in the Breach.

MATT: You leap down, go in for the attack, this duergar already used its reaction, so it can’t attack you.

MARISHA: So if he fails to save, I knock him over. That’s plus seven, so 19?

MATT: 19 does hit.

MARISHA: Awesome!

MATT: Does save though, is not knocked over.

MARISHA: A strength save?

MATT: Yeah.

MARISHA: Aw, damn it.

MATT: This is a big creature.

MARISHA: He does, I do 2d8 of bludgeoning damage.

MATT: Go for it.

MARISHA: Seven, nine, 14 damage.

MATT: 14 damage, all right. You have multi attack or did you get the one hit?

MARISHA: Well, I charged, yeah.

MATT: Okay yeah, so the charge is the hit. But you slam into it, your horn gores, you can see actually, you slam it into the side of the armor wound that Grog left and then Tiberius pried open. Part of it gets pulled back, and you see a quick splatter of some sort of bloody splash as you’re staring to actually pull apart its interior. The horn is jabbed in there, and it manages to shrug it off at the last point. You do significant gore to its side.

LIAM: Good musical riff.

MARISHA: Oh, wait. No no no, that’s right, keep going. It’s actually 15 damage. I always forget that I have a plus one to attack.

MATT: 15? Yeah, don’t forget that. You need to remember that. After taking the arrow wound, and after everyone else attacking around it, it’s going to try and get a different situation. It’s going to jump. It rears back, and leaps into the air.

SAM: Oh jesus.

MATT: Landing right on top of Clarota and Scanlan.

SAM: Oh no!

ASHLEY: Wait, does he get, do we get–

MATT: You guys all get attacks on it as it jumps away.

MARISHA: We all get attacks?

MATT: Yes, you do.

SAM: Do I?

MATT: No, you do not.

MARISHA: We get advantage, right?


TALIESIN: Did he take me, no he didn’t take me.

MATT: No, actually, you are still in its hand. In its mouth, it carries you with it.


MATT: Okay, so 19, you hit.

LIAM: 24.

MATT: Hit.


MATT: Hit. No, it’s the three of you, so that’s it. So all of you guys just roll damage for a basic attack.

SAM: Come on, kill him before he gets to me.


MATT: 24 damage? 24 damage you said? Nice.


ASHLEY: Was I close enough to him to get an attack?

MATT: No you weren’t, unfortunately.

LIAM: 11.

MATT: 11, all righty, and?



MATT: So, as it lands. All of you guys have to make a strength or dex saving throw, your choice. For Percy.


MATT: And Scanlan, and I’m rolling for Clarota. Clarota fails.


MATT: It’s okay, it’s okay, Scanlan. It’s okay, you can do this.

MATT: What’d you roll?


SAM: He’s coming back from the other dimension. I rolled a nine.

ORION: Did it hit the floor or did you go again?

SAM: No, I used the one that rolled on the floor.

LAURA: Roll it on the table, that doesn’t count.

MATT: So Clarota is not prone.

SAM: Dungeon Master, does a roll on the floor count? What happened?

MATT: I usually roll on the table. I usually prefer to roll on the table.

SAM: It’s even worse.

(all laugh)

LIAM: That’ll learn ya.

MATT: You guys are knocked prone on the ground, and you all take 14 points of bludgeoning damage, plus 14 points of slashing damage. As he just lands on top of you. Yeah, so 28 points of damage, as it crushes you, and its claws sink into you. Clarota takes the same.

LIAM: Did it drag Percy through the air?

TALIESIN: Yes it did.

LAURA: It did?

TALIESIN: My arms are still stuck in its mouth.

MATT: You’re not knocked prone, but you do take 14 points of crushing damage, as its mouth bites down on your arm again, for free.

TALIESIN: That’s fine.

MATT: It’s going to actually release you, Percy. So you’re there.

MARISHA: Think your arm might be a bit busted.

MATT: It turns, and makes a bite attack against Scanlan.

SCANLAN: As he does I distract him.

(air horn blowing)

(all laugh)

SAM: Playing my shawm.

MATT: That’s the sound a shawm makes?

SAM: Cutting Words reaction.

MATT: Okay, so as your reaction, go ahead and do that, so roll the d8.

ASHLEY: (imitates horn)

TRAVIS: It’s like the start of a Pitbull song.

SAM: Six.

MATT: Okay, he rolled a 27. Reduced it by seven to 19. So even with the reduction, it’s not enough, you’re on the ground. It sinks its teeth right into you. You take, let’s see.

LIAM: These games keep getting better.

MATT: You take 41 points of piercing damage.

LAURA: Oh my gosh.

LIAM: Scanlan!

SAM: No worries, I’m just at negative 36 now.

(all laugh)

MARISHA: Really?

SAM: Yep.

MATT: Okay, so.

MARISHA: Wait, how did that happen?

TALIESIN: That happened fast.

LIAM: He’s unconscious, he’s in bad shape, but we’re gonna get him.

MATT: Scanlan’s looking rough, Scanlan is now just being thrashed around in the mouth of the creature.

TRAVIS: How many hit points do you have?

MATT: His limp arms and legs just (thumping) as it’s kind of just running him around and across the air.

LIAM: Hashtag save Scanlan. Strings of gnome blood are being flung across the room.

LIAM: Oh, he’s so little though, he’s so little.

MATT: Pike, your turn.

ASHLEY: Okay, so time for a Cure Wounds. So I guess. Let’s see.

MATT: You can’t even see him right now. If you want to Cure Wounds, you have to touch him.

ASHLEY: I’ll go, yeah, I’ll go.

SAM: I’m being thrashed around.

ASHLEY: Can I just go, he’s over there?

LAURA: He’s in the mouth of the thing.

LIAM: She’s 25 speed.

MATT: So you can move five squares.


MARISHA: Didn’t you get that speed boost?

ASHLEY: How close can I get to him? I can’t see the lines in the squares.

ORION: Don’t forget your boots, Pike.

ASHLEY: Oh, I have sprinter’s boots! I have sprinter’s boots. Okay, so I’m gonna use my sprinter’s boots. I can– While you wear these boots, you can use a bonus action, and click the boots’ heels together, if you do, the boots double your walking speed for one minute.

MATT: So you can move ten squares, takes your bonus action.

ASHLEY: So then, I’m so sorry, I can’t see the squares. So if I can get ten to get over there.

MATT: So you go one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, there is a ledge there, and he’s blocking the way up, so nine, ten, make an acrobatics check to actually jump and climb up onto the–

LAURA: Oh no.

MATT: With disadvantage, 'cause you have plate armor.

LIAM: But what about her–

MATT: Disadvantage, you roll twice and take a lower.

ASHLEY: Wait, wait, hold on. Can I cast Guided Strike? Which adds ten to–

SAM: I gave you a dice. I gave you a dice.

LIAM: Which means you’re–Ten.

MATT: Total of ten?

LIAM: Yeah.

MATT: That’s exactly what you needed.

(all cheer)

MATT: That was the baseline. You run up, it takes all the strength you can feel, you’re gonna be sore in the morning. All your muscles tense as you pull yourself up, with all the inertia from the run, your parkour up to the top, land, Scanlan’s there, currently being flung around, you manage to reach up and grab him, and get in a brief tug of war with the bulette creature.

ASHLEY: Hey, get away from him, man!

MATT: As you cast Cure Wounds. Go ahead and–

ASHLEY: So that’s Mass Cure Wounds, so does that heal–

MATT: Is it Mass Cure Wounds, or just doing Cure Wounds?

ASHLEY: I’ll just do Cure Wounds.

MATT: So at what level are you using?

SAM: Don’t chintz out.

ASHLEY: I’m gonna use it at the highest– I’ll use it at fifth level.

SAM: Cast whatever you can cast.

LIAM: It’s one or multiple people.

SAM: Can you do it at a higher level?

ASHLEY: Yeah, I’ll do it at my highest level that I can cast, which is–

SAM: Let’s not cheap out on Scanlan here.

ASHLEY: Sorry guys, I’m just warming up again.

(all laugh)

TRAVIS: Let’s not skimp on Scanlan.

LIAM: Remember when I brought you back from the dead? Remember that? Remember that?

SAM: Remember when my kiss healed you from death? Just throwing that out there.

ASHLEY: – which I think is eight.

MATT: So it’s 5d8 + 5. 5d8 + 5 is how much you’re healing him.

LIAM: You’re gonna be all right.

ASHLEY: My spell attack bonus, plus eight?

MATT: You don’t have to worry about the bonus, you’re just touching him.

ASHLEY: So 5d8 + 5.

MATT: Is what you’re healing him, yes. All right.

SAM: That’s three.

LIAM: I think you did it four times, yeah.

ASHLEY: 18, plus five.

SAM: I thought that was three, no?

ASHLEY: Yeah, 23, 23.

SAM: Plus five.

LIAM: That was plus five.

LAURA: Are you still unconscious?

SAM: But now I’m only negative 11.

ASHLEY: Wait, what?

SAM: I’ve taken almost 100 points of damage in this.

MATT: You’re unconscious, how it works in this, and this is different from Pathfinder–Yeah, you go to zero and you stay there. You are now up to 23.

LIAM: You don’t go below zero, you hit zero, and you’re there, making rolls to see if you die.

LAURA: You only have three chances if you roll, fail, three times, you die.

MATT: And if something hits you while you’re unconscious, it’s an automatic fail. Now you’re 23 hit points.

SAM: Hey, I feel great, guys!

(all laugh)

MATT: You’re still in its mouth being shook around.

SAM: Oh shit!

(all laugh)

SAM (CONT'D): What is this ride? This is crazy!

MATT: Pike, that’s your turn.

ASHLEY: I can’t do anything else, right?

MATT: Clarota’s going to get up.

LIAM: Come on Clarota, show us what you got.

MATT: Clarota looks pretty rough. Rears back.

LIAM: Got to bring that mental power and that arcane magic, let’s do it.

MATT: Taking a cue from the opening you left, Clarota pulls back its hand, you see a familiar spark of bluish electrical energy as Clarota reaches for unleashing a torrent of electrical arcane energy forward, into the form of a Lightning Bolt. Blasting across the bow of this giant creature. Let’s see. Does not make its saving throw, so it’s 32 points of lightning damage.

LAURA: Clarota!

MATT: As the back of its armor is now seared, and you can see parts of its armored flesh are kind of blackened and charred and slightly crimping. Vax, you’re up.

LIAM: Okay, so I’ve got enough room to run up to its anus, which I’ll do.

TRAVIS: As you always do.

LIAM: It’s got plenty of people around, so that means I can Sneak Attack him.

MATT: As you rush past, before you attack? This duergar that was right by you, that has currently grown to a larger size gets a free swing at you.

LIAM: Ain’t no thing.

MATT: That’s going to be a 21 to hit.

LIAM: Okay, that hits.

MATT: All right, with its war pike it takes–deals 14 points of damage to you.

LIAM: Who cares, I’m saving my gnome friend, okay. Here I go. 14, it’s a 25 to hit his butt.

MATT: 25 hits.

LIAM: This is my keen dagger, with vorpal blade, two plus seven is nine, that’s just nine. Where’s a pencil, that’s a pencil. And then we add my Sneak Attack damage, which is six, seven, ten. 15. 21, plus nine, is 30.

MATT: All right, nice.

LIAM: To the butt. Specifically to the butt.

MATT: As you rush up, you take a moment as it’s thrashing about, and you can see what looks, anatomy-wise, to be probably where it expels whatever it eats.

LIAM: The hole? Right in there.

MATT: You go ahead and just slash and eviscerate there.

LIAM: How do you like me now?

MATT: Even back there it’s heavily armored, it takes, you carve through, and it–You’ve definitely left a lasting impression on this bulette.

LIAM: Pucker up, baby, pucker up.

SAM: Hashtag, armored anus.

(all laugh)

TRAVIS: What, what, in the butt.

LIAM: This is D&D in 2015, people, 2015. So that’s the first attack, right? Now I get a second attack?

MATT: The general also, by the way, appears as the concentration spell was lost as you were unconscious.

SAM: I must have stopped concentrating for some reason.

MATT: However, it is right in front of, it’s like. It’s now in his face.

LIAM: Second attack. 22.

MATT: That hits. Okay, and that’s a four plus ten, ten points of fire-based damage to the butt.

MATT: All right.

(all laugh)

TRAVIS: Preparation H? Fire damage to the anus.

MATT: That brings us to his turn.

LAURA: The general’s?

MATT: The general’s turn, who now is there from the bulette, sees it, looks over and sees you.

TRAVIS: It’s right in front of him!

MATT: Kind of sitting there with your bloody hand. It’s still flaming, swings back, and goes for your head.


MATT: That is a 23 versus armor class.

TALIESIN: Ah, yeah, that’s gonna hit. Armor class sucks.

MATT: Plus the fire damage.

ASHLEY: What are you at?

TALIESIN: I’m at 39 I wanna say?

MATT: Well, you take 31 points of damage. Including the fire damage from the pike, it goes for its second attack against you.

TRAVIS: This thing sucks.

MATT: That’s gonna be a 22 versus armor class.

TALIESIN: That’s gonna hit.

LIAM: It’s a tank.


MATT: You take… That’s gonna be 21 points of damage.

TALIESIN: I’m out.

MATT: Okay, Percy being pummeled and pummeled again. Loses, your gun falls from your hand, as you slump to the ground, your eyes roll back, unconsciousness and darkness.

SAM: We’re droppin’ like flies!

MATT: Taking you. That brings us to–

ASHLEY: Everybody knows shit’s fucked.

MATT: Grog.

TRAVIS: What, me? Bah! How tall is the thing?

MATT: Tall? I’d say it’s probably about… 20 feet tall? 15, 20 feet tall?

TRAVIS: Can I climb up on its back?

MATT: It’s not your size, it’d be really, really tight, pinning in there.

TRAVIS: I would like to run up to its right side and flank it.

MATT: Over here?


MATT: So you run around. Which you can do, 'cause you’re a freaking barbarian.

TRAVIS: (snarls)

MATT: All right, go ahead, you’re making your attacks. Go for it, three strikes against it.

TRAVIS: 21. Hits, right?

MATT: 21 definitely hits.

TRAVIS: 16 plus eight, hits.

MATT: Definitely hits.

TRAVIS: Natural 20!

(all cheer)

TRAVIS: Does that mean I get extra?

LIAM: Double damage, it means double damage.

TRAVIS: Oh, double damage, okay.

MATT: So first strike.

ASHLEY: Kill him, kill him, kill him!


MATT: 16 damage?


LAURA: 21.

TRAVIS: 21, thank you.

LIAM: Stay in school, kids.

TRAVIS: Stay on the table.

MATT: It’s the critical now, so double the dice roll.

TRAVIS: 20, thank you, and. 15, plus that, 20.

MATT: You double the dice, then add the modifier.

TRAVIS: Oh, double the second one.

LAURA: So that’s 40 on the last one.

SAM: Jesus.

LAURA: So 61, 76.

MATT: How do you want to do this, Grog?

(all cheer)

ASHLEY: Oh, you killed him?

LIAM: Yes!

MATT: How you wanna do this, Grog?

TRAVIS: I would like to chop down into the fleshy bit, and after I’ve sliced–

MATT: The fleshy bit is on the opposite side, by the way. So you’re now at an unarmored side. However, it’s still holding Scanlan in its mouth, shaking him around, so, how do you wanna finish it?

TRAVIS: Can I get to its mouth at all?

MATT: I could say for the flavor of this, yeah, you manage to just barely make it over here.

TRAVIS: I would like to swing through and catch the corner of its mouth, open its mouth wide, and then I’d like to reach in, and with my teeth, pull its fucking tongue out of its head, and start thrashing it side to side.

(all laugh)

MATT: First you rush up with your ax, using all of the aggression, you take it and swing it, barely leaving you with a shave. You gash the side of its mouth, and draw this giant wound open. As it does, you actually snap, and cut through the tendons that clench the jaw, causing it to fall open and slack. Scanlan spills out of its mouth, hitting the ground with a dull thud. As its mouth is now open, it kind of rears back. You shake your head angrily, as the froth is gathering at the corners of your mouth. You drop your ax from one hand, grab the jaw, reach in, bite down on its giant meaty tongue. Using your hand at the back of it, you pull and yank and you feel the muscle tearing and tensing before, eventually it comes free, and is now dangling about 25, 30 pounds, of very very wet, tongue meat. With your third attack, how do you finish it?

(all laugh)

TRAVIS: What do you after you’re biting its tongue in your mouth?

MATT: That’s what I’m asking.

TRAVIS: That’s a good point.

MATT: It’s looking really rough, but you still need to get that final death blow. What are you doing with this, Grog?

ASHLEY: Rip him apart.

TRAVIS: Yeah, I’m gonna King Kong his jaw. I’m gonna take the broken part, the top of his head, and just pull apart.

MATT: Okay, so you drop your ax entirely, the tongue still dangling from your mouth. You reach and put one foot up into the bottom of the jaw, using your other hands you push and push, you hear it crack, and pull, as it tenses and is trying to push down. It has no tension because the jaw was destroyed. You pull back and hear a sickening snap, as the armor plate buckles underneath where the neck joint would be on such a creature. Its eyes kinda roll back for a second, and it begins to slacken. As it does, you reach up with your fist, and penetrate the bottom of where its brain would be. With a sickening (suction) sound, it goes entirely limp and collapses on the ground.

LIAM: And that’s why you’re on the team.

(all cheer)

TRAVIS: And as it falls, the tongue that’s hanging in my mouth, I look to one of the dwarves that’s left, I go, who’s next?

(all laugh)

MATT: We’re gonna end it there for the night.

(all groan)

MATT: Damn guys, well done.

TALIESIN: I’m sleeping.

SAM: Oh, Percy’s dead, hashtag save Percy.

LAURA: I want more chicken.

MATT: Before we finish, I’d say go ahead and throw a heal up on him.

MARISHA: Oh yeah.

TALIESIN: Thank you.

ASHLEY: Good plan.

MATT: It’s nasty, man. You guys picked that, by the way.

LAURA: Oh seriously?

TRAVIS: They did? You dicks!

TALIESIN: You suck.

ZAC: That was the chat room.

ORION: Try harder next time.

MATT: We’ll be doing more of those as time goes on. Not all the time, but whenever I have the opportunity to put it in there, I’m gonna start asking for you guys to help me figure out what to throw at these adventurers.

LIAM: You sadists.

(all laugh)

ZAC: We shouldn’t tell them the other options, should we, just in case we wanna save them.

MATT: Oh no, they’ll come back in, don’t worry.


TALIESIN: Oh wow, I feel much better.

Announcements and BreakEdit

ZAC: So you guys, we’re gonna be doing a Q and A.

MATT: Yeah, for anyone who wants to stay over.

ZAC: Anyone who wants to stick around, the audience has a ton of questions for you guys. For the audience, it’s a sub-only Q and A, so if you’re been wondering whether or not you should sub, let me give you some reasons why. Number one, you can ask these guys questions in a little bit. Number two, every 50 subs, we’re giving away tabletop promo kits that are like $250 worth of special stuff, and we will ship that internationally, doesn’t matter. Even in Antarctica. We want someone in Antarctica to do tabletop day, do you know anyone?

MATT: I don’t.

ZAC: We had someone last year.

MATT: Well shit, we gotta reach out then.

ZAC: They’re gone, they were like the only people there, and they’re gone.

MATT: There’s nobody there left, they were the last bastion. Well, somebody needs to move to Antarctica in the next few days and let us know, so then we can totally use that.

ZAC: We also do a Minecraft server, for subs only, but if you want in on that, there’s no automated message for that server info, so just make sure and message the Geek & Sundry account, and we’ll get you that sub IP address for the Minecraft server. I know we have more, there’s lots more stuff. We do some other sub-only chats throughout the week. lots of emotes, other fun stuff. But we’re gonna go ahead and roll some videos while we get set up for the Q and A. This was a lot of fun, oh! I would like to challenge you guys to do a quick little donation drive for the charity that you guys support.

MATT: Yeah, for 826LA. Had it going up in the chat room, if you have the opportunity, you wanna help support these children getting side educations and tutoring.

ZAC: You guys wanna tell them about, just to get them psyched up for it? 'Cause we can get that command going.

MARISHA: Yeah, 826LA, they’re a non-profit organization that helps primarily with literacy and creative story children for children between the ages of like five and 18. They have a really great young authors book that you can buy that’s a collection of all of the kids’ book, and you can also go and check out the time travel mart, there’s one in Echo Park and then there’s also one in Marina Del Rey. But you should just google 826, 'cause I know there’s one in Seattle, I know there’s one in like Atlanta. New York, San Francisco. There might be an 826 in your city.

LIAM: 826LA probably, right?

MARISHA: 826LA is who we’re raising money for. But yeah all of the 826 store fronts are a little bit different, depending on where you go. They’re super cool.

MATT: Guys, please, check it out, it’s awesome. It’s a good group of people, what they do is fantastic. If you have the opportunity please do, go ahead and donate to the charity.

MATT: Well, thank you guys so much for tuning in for the fourth episode of Critical Role, with the grand return of Pike, our cleric.

(all laugh)

MATT: Necessary. Glad to have you back, I’m sure everyone here is glad to have the healer back.

LAURA: Especially today.

TALIESIN: Very happy today.

MATT: And a surprise return of Laura, so.

LAURA: What a time to join the game.

MATT: Heck yeah. All right guys, well, we’re gonna take a little bit to set up for the Q and A. Those who can stay, feel free to, those who can’t, totally understand. We have kids and families to get to. Those who can will be here for the Q and A for the next hour or so.

ZAC: One more thing, just so they know we’re following through. We have the picture for you guys to sign. So Niareth won this, when we reached 1,000 subs, so I think Pike is all that’s left for that.

MATT: Pike is left to sign this Player’s Handbook.

SAM: I haven’t signed it.

ZAC: And then we’ve got the picture. So we’ll pass that around while we’re doing the set up.

MATT: Do any of you have the gold marker?

ZAC: I’ll find it.

MATT: All right, cool. Yeah guys we’re gonna go ahead and set up for this, we’ll see you in a little bit for the Q and A, thank you everyone for watching. Thanks guys. Awesome day at Critical Role, thanks.


WIL: Hey nerds, I’m Wil Wheaton, I know right? And guess what? It is back. International Tabletop Day has returned, this year on April 11th. What is that, you say? What is Tabletop Day? Well, if you don’t know, then shame on you. International Tabletop Day is a worldwide celebration dedicated to the tabletop games we love to play with the people we love. People we like, people we’ve never even met before, it doesn’t matter, last year we had over 3,000 registered events across seven continents and over 80 countries, that is amazing! But this year we’re going to make it even bigger. “Will Wheaton, how can we make it even bigger than last year?” That’s what she said. Start now. Trend #TabletopDay on Twitter, because that was awesome. Broadcast your plans on the internet, make a video, share pictures, start a blog, create a dating profile for other sexy gamers in your area, whatever you want. Celebrate it in your own way, but we wanna hear from you. Be sure to use #TabletopDay, or @TabletopDay to let us know. It is up to you, world. Visit to register your event, or find one near you. You can also download exclusive content and check out some of our favorite games. We will be streaming our own live event, here in Los Angeles for you to watch. And there will be more on that soon. You love tabletop games, and we love you, so join us in the global celebration, on April 11th. Play more games. Hey everybody, I’m Wil Wheaton, and I am coming to you semi-live from the Twitch TV set here at the Geek & Sundry stages in beautiful downtown Burbank, California. I am here to tell you everything you ever wanted to know about Tabletop’s RPG show, coming this June, but were afraid to ask. Or have been asking for close to a year and I’ve been saying, “We’ll tell you at some point in the future.” You can consider this the big announcement. It was incredibly difficult to cast this show. We needed people who were very comfortable improvising, who had experience playing role playing games, and who were available when we planned to shoot the show. It was surprisingly difficult to get a pool of people who fit all of those criteria, and choose the most awesome among them. So your cast playing in this wonderful show are: Yuri Lowenthal, Laura Bailey, Hank Green, and Alison Haislip. I’m really excited to have these people all together. They’re all my friends, they are all wonderful storytellers, and they are going to be a tremendous party of adventurers. I’m only gonna try to kill them a little bit.

The most frequently asked question since I announced that there was going to be a Tabletop RPG show is, hey Wil Wheaton! Why are you so awesome? The second most frequently asked question is, what system are you using to power this game? First and foremost, I needed a system that was going to support the way I play roleplaying games, and that is telling a story collaboratively with a group of players with me as the GM. I looked at some very well known systems like Dungeons & Dragons, and Savage Worlds, I looked at systems that I love, like Fate Core, and I even looked at the True 20, a d20 modern system. And I really wanted to use something that was released by an independent publisher. I wanted to bring something to the forefront of the roleplaying world that maybe not as many people are familiar with as I want them to be. But I wanna play the way that I played when I was falling in love with roleplaying games when I was a kid. I wanna be able to sit around on a couch and some chairs with my friends, not have to worry about a map on a table in front of us, and just work together to use our imaginations to tell a story. But there’s a system that I really love that’s elegant, it’s easy to learn, it’s easy to teach, it’s very easy to understand, and it really just gets out of the way when you want to tell a story together. And that is the Adventure Game Engine that Green Ronin Publishing used to drive the Dragon Age tabletop roleplaying game. I asked the developer three years ago to please make generic, so that we can build a setting and put on top of it. They said actually this is something we really wanna do. And it’s come together. We have been able to work together with Green Ronin to develop the fantasy Adventure Game Engine. This is gonna take a lot of the things you know from the Dragon Age RPG, and put it all together to support our world, which I have had the best time creating. I sat down three months ago with some amazing writers, and just started brainstorming about what kind of world we wanted to explore. But what I kept coming back to is, I love science fiction, and I love fantasy. Why not put them together? Why not build a world that is inspired by the 1978 Heavy Metal movie, and 1980’s amazing Saturday morning cartoon show, Thundarr the Barbarian. I thought it would be great for characters to encounter goblinoid kind of creatures, and instead of them using crossbows, they’re using laser rifles. I’ve got it all worked out, we have a huge team of writers that put all this together that built an amazing codex that gave terrific logic to all of these decisions that we made. We’re not gonna tell you what they are. You may discover some of them during the course of the season. So what is the name of this incredible world? The title of our show is Titansgrave: The Ashes of Valkana. You can sort of come up with your own ideas about what those words mean. I know, but I’m not telling. 'Cause that’s not how the Wheaton talks. Titansgrave: The Ashes of Valkana will premiere right here at on June 2nd. For those of you not in America, Titansgrave: The Ashes of Valkana will premiere right here on Geek & Sundry on two June. So I hope that you’re as excited about this as I am, and I hope that you will tune in, and then watch us for ten straight weeks of incredible high adventure story telling, and until then, play more games.

IVAN: Hey guys, Ivan here, the host of Game the Game, on Geek & Sundry’s new Twitch channel. I’m here with Becca, Ify, and Hector, to get you excited about International Tabletop Day. So International Tabletop Day is going to be on April 11th, and all of our friends at AEG have brought us an amazing edition of Love Letter in order to play with you today. That’s right nerds. It’s Batman Love Letter. Now Batman Love Letter is a game of logic, deduction, and risk, in which you try to capture or hold the highest value card in your hand by the end of the rounds. In the meantime we’ll all be playing cards in order to eliminate each other. But whoever has the highest-value card at the end of the round will win a token. So who will be the greatest detective in all of Gotham? It’s gonna be Batman.

BECCA: Oh, no, no, no, no, no, it’ll be Poison Ivy.

IFY: You guys both are wrong, it’s going to be Bane.

HECTOR: It’s probably not gonna be Robin.

(all laugh)

IVAN: Now, normally we will play until seven tokens, but for the purposes of this video, we’ll play until three. Whoever gets three is gonna win. Let’s play. Pass out your cards Becca, one to each.

BECCA: Burn the first?

IVAN: Burn the first. You have to burn a card before you even begin, because there is a mystery card that isn’t in play normally. So keep that in mind when you’re playing.

HECTOR: Burning a card, who are we playing with? The Batman villain Firefly?

(all laugh)

IFY: Leave the jokes to me, Robin.

HECTOR: All right, fine.

IFY: Just so you know, I’m doing a set at the comedy store, and I need three friends to show up.

HECTOR: What night is it? I’m busy that night.

IFY: I didn’t even give you the time yet.

IVAN: Hector, why don’t you go first?

HECTOR: Robin.

IVAN: Robin, the man wonder.

HECTOR: Okay, here we go. I’m gonna play Robin. I’ve got protection for my entire next round.

IVAN: Right. So every single time you play a card, normally it has an action that is attached to it. So I’m playing Catwoman, who allows me to look at another player’s hand. Poison Ivy? Noted. Now it’s your turn.

BECCA: It’s my turn, so I draw a card. I’m gonna hang on to that one, maybe. And I also play Catwoman. And I’m going to look at Bane’s hand. That’s terrible.

IFY: You make fun of me but you lack the understanding of my strategy. I will play the Batman. I can’t guess Robin’s because he has immunity, but I can guess Poison Ivy’s.

IVAN: If he can guess correctly, not only does he get a token, but she’s eliminated from the round, and now there’s only three of us available. So it’s one step closer to victory. What’s your guess?

IFY: My guess is Two-Face.

BECCA: Incorrect.

IVAN: Robin?

HECTOR: Thanks, Batman. All right, here we go. I’m also gonna play Batman. I’m gonna guess that Poison Ivy has the Joker card.

BECCA: Incorrect.

HECTOR: Darn it. Jiminey Jillickers.

BECCA: Now you have to do something terribly embarrassing, right? Or is that just Half Scrolls?

HECTOR: Like maybe wear a Robin costume, cool, sounds good. Oh, already doing it, great. So great.

IVAN: I have two cards and I’m going to also play the Batman. You’ve been picked on a lot, Poison Ivy.

BECCA: I’ve been picked on so much.

IVAN: You played a Batman.

HECTOR: Get him Batman.

IVAN: I’m gonna guess you’ve got a Poison Ivy.

IFY: You’re wrong!

IVAN: (groans)

IFY: No survivors!

IVAN: (laughs) All right, I’m done, go ahead, Poison Ivy.

BECCA: If anyone’s wondering why so many Batman cards are being drawn, it’s because there are five in the deck. There’s either one or two of all the other characters. So I draw, and I will play, myself, Poison Ivy. This card says, choose any player including yourself to discard his or her hand, and draw a new card. Ivan, you look pretty confident. Discard.

IVAN: Discard, all right.

BECCA: And draw a new hand.

IVAN: Had a Two-Face.

IFY: It’s time for me to draw.

IVAN: I have a hard time thinking that we’re gonna get anything out of you in that mask.

IFY: Oh, you’ll see.

BECCA: I’m sorry, what?

IFY: You’ll see.

BECCA: What did he say?

IVAN: I think it’s something about seals?

BECCA: Did you need help opening a seal?

IFY: I’ll play the Batman, and I will guess Becca again, she has the Harley Quinn.

BECCA: Incorrect.

HECTOR: Geez, we’re terrible at this game.

IVAN: We’re really, really bad.

BECCA: I’m great at it.

IFY: Sooner or later.

IVAN: He’s in there, or he’s there. Not there, there. Not there, there.

BECCA: There?

IVAN: There.

BECCA: Where?

HECTOR: I’m going to play my own version of Bane. That was terrible.

BECCA: You don’t have the mask.

HECTOR: Myself and another player can secretly compare hands, and whichever hand is lowest is out. So I’m gunning for you, Poison Ivy. Because you kissed me that one time, and then you didn’t wanna hang out with me afterwards, like that was really mean, so.

BECCA: I had ulterior motives.

IVAN: I’m not looking, Batman’s not looking.

BECCA: I’m out of the game.

HECTOR: You’re out, yes!

BECCA: I had myself again.

IVAN: Which means you have a higher numbered card.

HECTOR: Yes, that is correct.

IVAN: Higher than five.

HECTOR: Good detective work, Batman. Real genius, this one.

IVAN: All right. This is the last card of the deck, which means after this, whoever has the highest card, wins.

HECTOR: Duh, Batman, we know, God.

IVAN: I’m playing Robin, Robin. All right?

BECCA: That makes me think he has the Joker.

IVAN: Well, we’ll find out won’t we? What do you got?

IFY: I had myself.

HECTOR: Boom, Harley Quinn beats Bane.

IVAN: And the Joker beats Harley Quinn.

HECTOR: Darn it.

IVAN: I got you, Joker.

BECCA: Take your token.

IVAN: I will take my narcissistic token that has my symbol on it.

HECTOR: This is just what Batman needed, an ego boost. Batman needed an ego boost, great.

IFY: Robin.

BECCA: The deb chef, the deb chef.

HECTOR: You seem to live with a multi billionaire, yet can’t afford contacts. What’s the deal with that?

BECCA: No burn card, no burn card.

IVAN: Oh, great. So since I won the last round, I get to play first, because I am the greatest detective. And I got a Catwoman, which means I think I’m interested in Bane’s hand. Whatcha got, Bane? You got crap, is what he’s got.

BECCA: Choose any player including yourself to discard his or her hand and draw a new card. Hector, burn your card.

HECTOR: You got it, but it’s Robin, and I’m not gonna tell you again. All right, I had Batman, which is cool, because he’s the least value card in the game, so that’s just gonna help me out, so I’m just gonna grab a new card.

IFY: All right, I’m going to draw. Draw a card. Oof, oof, oof, such a good card.

IVAN: Who are you gonna use it on, Bane?

BECCA: It’s probably Batman.

IFY: I’m gonna do a Batman card. Robin, do you have Poison Ivy?

HECTOR: (laughs) No.

IFY: My turn is over.

HECTOR: All right, it’s my turn. Dick Grayson and Jason Todd, Tim Drake, Stephanie Brown, Carrie Kelley, John Blake, help me. Okay, here we go. My girl Selina Kyle, Catwoman, bam. And I wanna look at Bane’s hand. Show me back here buddy, show me back here, whatcha got?

IFY: Got this.

HECTOR: Okay, good to know.

IVAN: All right. I’m going to just play my ward Robin.

HECTOR: You’re welcome.

IVAN: Grant me immunity.

BECCA: Batman. I’m gonna guess that Bane has Poison Ivy.

IFY: You’re wrong!

BECCA: You’ll never have Poison Ivy.

IFY: I’ll use Catwoman.

BECCA: To look at another player’s hands.

HECTOR: Pause for error.

IFY: I will look at Poison Ivy’s hand.

HECTOR: Don’t do it Bane, don’t fall into that venus fly trap. Get it, 'cause it’s a trap, 'cause it’s. It’s a plant based pun.

IVAN: Good job.

IFY: Ah.

IVAN: There it is.

IFY: Ah. Ah!

IVAN: Robin, Robin go ahead.

HECTOR: Okay, here we go.

IVAN: What’s it gonna be?

HECTOR: I’m gonna play Batman. And I’m gonna guess that Bane Has a Batman card.

IFY: You are wrong.

IVAN: For once he doesn’t have a Batman card.

IFY: I want to point out to the watchers. Hector looked at my hand.

HECTOR: Oh I did, that’s true.

IFY: And saw me play the card. He knew exactly which card was in my hand. And chose the wrong card.

IVAN: This is why you’re the boy wonder, and not Batman.

HECTOR: I’d like to point out, that my chest has made me very uncomfortable, and I’m clearly out of my element, and dressing me up as Robin was a good call everybody, good call everyone. Good call guys. Wow.

IFY: I really thought that was game over for me. I was wrong.

HECTOR: Oh my God. Your annoying voice has really gotten into my head.

BECCA: That’s his greatest power.

IVAN: I also have the Batman. So we know he doesn’t have a Batman, you know what it is. Thanks Robin. Useless. So I’m gonna guess that Bane has Harley Quinn.

IFY: You are wrong!

IVAN: Damn. I tried. All the clues are there, just one missing element.

BECCA: I played Batman, I’m going to guess that Bane has Two-Face.

IFY: You are wrong as well.

IVAN: He has the Joker then, or something. How can you throw that many Batmans at a single man, and not get what he’s got in his hand.

HECTOR: He really did break you, he really did. And now I’m Nightwing, great, that’s how long that took.

IFY: I’m going to say. Two-Face can trade hands with Becca.

BECCA: (sighs)

IVAN: That’s where it was. Robin?

HECTOR: It’s my turn.

IVAN: Diddly fingers.

HECTOR: You guys think you’re gonna win this? You don’t know Dick. Greyson, because that’s my real name. I’m gonna play Bane.

BECCA: Bane-in it up.

IVAN: What’s up, who’s gonna compare?

HECTOR: It’s gonna be you, Batman. Let’s see what you got, old chum. Oh hoh, bye, you’re out.


IVAN: Batman card, so. Batman’s out.

BECCA: Batman’s the worst.

HECTOR: Oh my gosh.

IVAN: How’s it feel to knock a man down from his tower?

HECTOR: It feels great.

IVAN: Right, okay.

HECTOR: How’s it feel for not giving me–

MARISHA: Great for my back.

ZAC: We’re live.

Q & A SessionEdit

MATT: What’s up everyone, we got this camera right here in the middle, right?

ASHLEY: Hello.

LIAM: Oh, hi.

MATT: Thank you guys for watching. Hope you enjoyed yourselves. These guys all being crazy players, and kicking ass, and occasionally getting knocked unconscious, and nearly eaten.

ZAC: Any mods want to put this in sub mode for us? Let’s do sub mode.

MARISHA: So you have to sub. Bye everybody who’s not a sub.


ZAC: They can still watch, they just can’t ask questions.

ORION: Oh. Okay.

MARISHA: Well, your word is not important.

LIAM: Laura had to bugger out.

ASHLEY: Wait, is that a little icon of you?

MATT: Yeah.


ORION: Yeah, he’s an emoji now.

ASHLEY: You’re an emoji?

MATT: It’s weird.

TALIESIN: He’s made it.

ASHLEY: You’ve made it.

MATT: All right, so how are we doing the questions? Are we just picking as we go?

ZAC: You can moderate yourselves.

ASHLEY: Laura and Sam did leave.

MATT: Unfortunately.

ASHLEY: Laura had to go to a thing, and Sam had to go to a thing.

MATT: Sam’s thing is kids. Sam has two kids. Liam has two kids, but he–

ASHLEY: Hey look at–

(all laugh)

MATT: I am so sorry, everyone.

LIAM: I mean he’s pretty good at Dungeon Mastering, right?

ASHLEY: Yeah, he’s pretty good.

ORION: Someone asked what alignment we are. First question, what alignment are our characters?

MARISHA: We’re all good.

LIAM: Chaotic good.

ASHLEY: Chaotic good.

ORION: Tiberius is chaotic good.

TRAVIS: Chaotic neutral, bitches.

LIAM: What was your first roleplaying experience? I saw that go through.

TALIESIN: GURPS in high school.


MATT: The second edition of Dungeons & Dragons in high school.


ASHLEY: Was my first, yeah.

LIAM: This guy just started. I did AD&D in high school, and I DM'ed while playing, which is totally cheating. This is the first pure experience I’ve had.

ORION: This is my first campaign also. I was a Magic the Gathering fan.

MARISHA: I actually had Matt as my first DM, way before All this started. So I played a few other games, and then, now I’m back to the OG master.

LIAM: I saw, when and how did you all start playing together? The reason this started is because, I directed Matt as Leon Kennedy in Resident Evil 6, and every time he came in he would say, “hey, you know, I’m running a game, you can come in and just do a one off.” And I was like, “oh, I got babies, I can’t do that, I can’t do that, I can’t do that.” And then finally once for my birthday I thought, I can do a one off, it’ll be the only time we’ll do it, just see how it goes. Scanlan and I did a podcast together, and every week we would do some new thing, and we’re like fuck it, let’s play D&D. We all did it and everybody got snake bit, and it’s been the best thing that ever happened. To me at least.


ORION: Our character alignments do matter on how we play the characters, an earlier question.

MATT: Yeah, they do definitely matter. A couple quick answers here. The conversion from Pathfinder to Fifth Edition was decided because, as we’re going on to this show, and we had so many players, combat tends to get bogged down, and a lot of floating modifiers in Pathfinder. For large groups like this it’s difficult to keep it flowing and moving. I felt once I had taken a look at Fifth Edition, that the combat system was a little more simplified, and a little easier to make freeform and just roll with it. So that was a much better decision. Plus Dungeons & Dragons generally has a better name recognition than Pathfinder, so when you’re putting a show out there, it’s probably easier to do with very minimal transition, it took a little bit of customizing, like for Percy’s gunslinger. We just had to customize it, we made it ourselves. We sat down.

TALIESIN: Took a day.

MATT: Took a day, and we worked out, some of the stuff we wanted to keep, some of the things that didn’t break it, we wanted to make it interesting. It is a martial archetype for the fighter class. So it does give the bonus a fighter class does. Nothing is too overpowered about it, other than just having custom weapons, and some cool grit-based abilities that we kinda transferred over from Pathfinder. It’s interesting. It’s a good challenge to see how it works out.

TALIESIN: It is, it’s working out. I’m digging it. I keep reading and finding things I’m not doing that could be more interesting, so.

MATT: Keeping your hand and firing into the mouth of a bulette is fun.

TALIESIN: That felt great.

LIAM: Travis, everybody’s asking about your shirt.

TRAVIS: Oh. I think it’s a website called I just googled Grog, and there was that.

TALIESIN: Just google Grog.

TRAVIS: I needed it right away. Right, right.

LIAM: I’m also seeing, why did we switch from Pathfinder to Fifth Edition?

MATT: I answered that a second ago.

LIAM: Oh, you did?

MATT: Yeah, the idea being that the reason we switched was it was easier for large-scale combat, and the system was a little more simplified, and I felt for such a large party it’d be easier to do. Plus character creation for any guests we have in the future, so that was the main reason. I love Pathfinder, but at this size, it’s good. Answering your earlier question too, I saw someone ask, a good party size. Legitimately, my preference is between four and six players. This works because they’re amazing players, and because we keep it very freeform, and not getting bogged down in minutia too often. The four to six players I think is a good sweet spot.

MARISHA: I see, does Keyleth have limitations on what animals she can transform into? Yeah, for the most part I can only transform into beasts and I have to be under a certain challenge rating. So right now, at my level, I can only turn into beasts that are a challenge reading of three or lower.

MATT: A third of your druid level, right?

MARISHA: Yeah, a third of my druid level which is nine right now. But for the most part I can change into almost anything as long as it’s under a challenge rating of three.

MATT: Pike, how do you feel about Scanlan? Do you return his affections?

ASHLEY: Oh, well. I’m on the fence about him. He’s really pretty great, but I don’t know. I’m not really sold yet.

MARISHA: You know Pike, I feel like we haven’t actually girl talked about this.

ASHLEY: I know, we never girl talked about it.

MARISHA: We should.

ASHLEY: I know, we should talk. I just, I really like him, I think he’s really funny. I really the fact that he’s a musician, but.

MARISHA: That’s hot.

ASHLEY: I don’t know, I’m not really sold on him yet.

MARISHA: I’m just concerned if he could treat you well.

ASHLEY: Oh no, you know what?

MARISHA: He’s got bad habits.

ASHLEY: He likes to frequent brothels and things like that, which, you know. I’d wanna give him his freedom and his space. I don’t know if I’m into it.

TALIESIN: If I say it so you can understand it, what’s the point?

LIAM: Someone’s asking if we like presents. I think we’d all like fan art.

MATT: Fan art’s awesome, we love it.

LIAM: Immortalize our shitheadedness, that’d be good.

MARISHA: Oh, it’s true.

ASHLEY: Another couple people on there were asking about my ears. And I really like supporting small businesses. And there’s a store on Etsy called Tiny Tangerines, and she makes these by hand. And makes like deer, and bears, she makes a ton of stuff.

MATT: That’s really cute.

ASHLEY: Check her out.

LIAM: We still got that little one. Socrates asked what was a favorite moment before we started streaming the show? Our first game was pretty amazing.

MARISHA: Our first game was great, I’ve got some good memories from that one.

LIAM: Most of us, I was giggling uncontrollably, I couldn’t believe we were doing it. And just watching my friends, who I work with all the time, just dropping into character, there was no like, oh, let’s see, what will I do, what am I doing? I will move, I will roll. Like Bailey, Bailey dropped into character from the get-go, and was a ringer. But the moment I was thinking of was when Pike died. Pike died.

MATT: Like died died.

LIAM: Shortly before we switched from private to public. It was emotional. A couple people started crying, I teared up. We put two and a half years into this, and we’re all very connected to it. I’m not gonna get into it, but I’ve had a hard couple of years personally, everything’s fine, but this was like therapy for me. And to see one of my friends go down?

ASHLEY: It was sad.

LIAM: It was fucking emotional.

MARISHA: I don’t think a few people were crying, I think everyone was crying.

ORION: I was crying.

ASHLEY: I was definitely crying. I was like, “no, I love doing this so much!” I don’t wanna, I mean, when you spend that much time with people, over two and a half years, you get so attached, and attached to characters.

MARISHA: We know these characters almost as well as we know each other now.

MATT: Factoids, the tower you made for us in Minecraft is awesome. Seriously, well done, look at the pictures, it’s great, we’re gonna have to actually go through it.

MARISHA: Wait, we have a tower?

MATT: A guy built an entire tower for the group.

ASHLEY: No way!

MARISHA: They built a castle Greyskull?

MATT: Essentially, on the Geek & Sundry Minecraft server. No. Wait no I did see that! It was huge.

ZAC: It towers over the entire –

LIAM: Of what?

MATT: Of him! Someone made a sculpture of–. Did you make that or somebody else? You made that?

ZAC: Oh no.

MATT: Okay, somebody else made it for you.

LIAM: Do we have $50 in the budget to go on eBay and get a Castle of Greyskull set? Put it on the set somewhere? Let’s do that.

MATT: There we go. I see a couple quick questions.

ORION: To answer your question, there is an origin of Tiberius, fully written. I won’t say it all right now, but he comes from a political family, and there’s a whole bunch of layers to him. He is a thought-out character. The buffoonery is half-planned.

MARISHA: I mean, we’re all really deep, thought out characters.

ORION: Well, they asked if I actually thought out a story for him. He does have a thing for this character named Allura.

MATT: Yeah, Arcanist Allura, the one that actually sent them on this mission, he has kind of a thing for.

ORION: She’s super awesome. Hot, I think she’s hot.

MATT: She’s pretty hot.

ASHLEY: Super hot.

MATT: The gunslinger class info, I actually posted on Twitter a few days ago, it’s in my dropbox if you look through my Twitter. It’s on there, otherwise, we’ll probably put it up on the website, when all the website stuff is up there. I’m happy to release it now. It’s pretty balanced, it’s fun. Might have some tweaks down the road, depending on how things play out. You should go to my Twitter, you’ll find it there.

TRAVIS: We’re gonna have a website with all our characters.

LIAM: Yeah, we’re working towards that.

MATT: Working on it, yeah. Like a lot of things right now, it’s a work in progress.

LIAM: Someone asked what kind of food would everyone like?

ORION: Ooh, like Thai food.

LIAM: I like Indian.

MATT: Ooh, Indian is good.

ASHLEY: I really noticed–

ZAC: Let them know not to order food.

LIAM: Don’t, that’s a terrible idea.

ORION: We just had a bunch of chicken.

MARISHA: Oh you mean like right now? Yeah, don’t do it right now.

ZAC: If you tell them what you want, all of a sudden I’ll get a call, like, “your food is on the way!”

MARISHA: Yeah, no, not right now, maybe next week.

TRAVIS: Matt, you’re going to Wizard World in Philly. But we will not be joining because we don’t own a private fucking plane.

MARISHA: But I’ll be there. Is anybody else gonna be there?

TRAVIS: Oh really?

MARISHA: We’ll be there.

LIAM: Somebody asked something, like, what do we hope is the result of this show? I can’t remember the wording. Obviously we’re doing this because we love each other and we’re having fun together, but I also hope, D&D has been, its entire history has been like, “oh, it’s this weird thing that guys do with dice in a room.” Anyone can do this, I love video games, I work in video games, but D&D has changed my life. It is social, it is person to person, it is real, because it’s people in a room doing shit together, and that’s kind of lacking a little bit in our world, and I would say find some friends. I mean, I love that there are sort of online tools to play with people across the country, but if you can find three or four people in your town to do this, I’d say do it. Do it.

TRAVIS: Yeah, do it.

MARISHA: There’s something really amazing about the fact that we’re all essentially kind of building and communally developing a story together, and that’s something that not a whole lot of things can grant you, and we don’t really get in today’s society much. We’re all kinda creating this as a thing. And I think it’s good that we’re like, hey, this is socially acceptable. D&D’s cool, everyone should play D&D.

MATT: Actually, the IT Crowd episode of D&D is one of the best on camera examples of a D&D game night thing.

ORION: That is an awesome episode.

MATT: Fucking hilarious, and a great, truncated version of this is kinda what the game is. So good on you.

ORION: Cut to them weeping.

TALIESIN: So many questions going so quickly.

MATT: I know.

ASHLEY: I want a Grog shirt that says “do it.”

TALIESIN: And the kitty shirts were an accident. This was not planned.

MARISHA: Oh yeah, our kitty shirts.

LIAM: Someone’s saying what edition to start with? I would start with the most recent, because you know they’re gonna keep updating it over the years.

MATT: Fifth is great, Fifth is a great entry point.

LIAM: It’s really loose. I feel like all of us felt like, we were doing Pathfinder, and… Fucking loved it, otherwise we wouldn’t be doing it, but it was really intricate, and we were doing it every six or seven weeks, when we were off-air, so. We felt like the rules were really complicated and we’d lose track of it. We loved doing it, obviously, but Fifth Edition is really fast and loose. I recommend that. And Travis just stuck his finger in my ear, he kinda does that. He hits me in the nads a lot.

MATT: This is a homebrew campaign. I wrote it all just kind of for the hell of it. Custom, don’t really base it on anything existing. I feel like I’m playing more in that world, and I always hate the idea of, in the middle of DMing, having to go to a module, or having to look for a rule that wasn’t my own. It feels more detached. There are modules that are great, and I’ve run great modules, but for me personally, with the pacing, and the flow of the game, I prefer to do homebrew.

LIAM: Connected to that, someone asked, if you had any tips, and I’d like to know the answer to this too, because I’m running a game for my eight-year-old son and his friends who are about to start, do you have any tips for new DM’s?

MATT: Yes. Let’s see. I could do a whole panel on that. Tips for new DMs. Preparation is important. You wanna outline cities, come up with ideas for NPCs, that you think would be essential to a story, or like people that really run elements of the town. Simple notes can be like, they’re this race, this is their disposition, if you have a particular voice you wanna try for, make a note of this kind of voice. So whenever you come back to them you have a reminder. And spend a lot of time building that structure, you don’t have to be too detailed. Always leave room to play in the world, because you never know what your players are gonna do. Be prepared to improv. I prefer loose preparation, and then just kinda rolling where the players take you.

LIAM: Although you wrote a monologue for Clarence, right? Because that was very intricate. We were all just ready–

ASHLEY: Yeah, there’s no way you just thought that up.

MATT: There are certain elements, part of the notes I take is for certain NPCs I’ll write down key information that they know, and depending on how you ask them, what you say to them, and what you try and extract from them, they might give you some of the information, they might not, if you coerce them, or intimidate them. Or if they’re willing to give up the information, I have all that written down. So for that information today, you guys were asking him, and since you allied with Clarence, he was willing to discuss with you. So I had all that prewritten, but depending on how much you said, it was what you guys asked.

LIAM: Do you have random encounters ready, in case we’re like, “ah, fuck it, I don’t wanna go down to the dungeon, I wanna go back up and beat up some dwarves.” Do you have shit kind of ready?

MATT: Yep. I have a stack of different creature and encounters already prebuilt, based on what you guys may encounter. Tonight was an example of players being able to pick what happened. But also it’s one of those things where it depended, I don’t know where you guys are gonna go. I present a story, I present an idea of a general throughline, but how you guys go from point A to point B, that’s entirely up to you. Sometimes that can be a very long, meandering line, sometimes it could be a direct ray, so.

TRAVIS: There was a question, how much do you improvise, and when is it appropriate to improvise?

MATT: A lot, and always.

MARISHA: Always, yeah.

TRAVIS: The answer is yes.

MATT: I’ve had whole games where I’ve prepared a session, and none of it happened, because people just put an entirely wrong direction. Not wrong, but a different direction. So the whole game was just me pulling everything out of my ass.

MARISHA: Like that time we walked through the back door of the Thieves’ Guild, that was fun.

MATT: Yeah, there was that.

MARISHA: What’s up, Thieves’ Guild. 'Sup.

ORION: Donkey Kong, Pikachu.


ORION: Somebody asked me what my favorite Smash Brothers character is.


LIAM: Somebody asked how we pick the character class that we picked. When we first started this game, and I said, “hey, it’s my birthday, I wanna play a game.” Laura really likes rogues as well, but I made sure that as fast as I fucking could.

TRAVIS: She was pissed.

LIAM: So she, yeah. She plays rogue, in like Dragon Age and everything. That shit’s a favorite class of hers, so I know I got it out there. Also, the reason that we’re twins is because Laura and I have the exact same birthday, May 28th.

ASHLEY: I didn’t know that.

MARISHA: I didn’t know that either.

LIAM: That’s why we’re twins.

MARISHA: That’s cool.

ASHLEY: I knew– I came in late to the game, and there were only a couple options left. And I had never played, so. I picked gnome because I was like, oh, that’s funny. And then cleric, I didn’t really realize what a cleric was. And how detailed it can be if you’ve never played. And important to the game. So when I started I was like, well shit, this is a little tougher than I thought it would be. But it’s been awesome, I love being a cleric.

LIAM: I’m so glad we pulled you in.

ASHLEY: Me too, man, me too. Oh, also, someone asked, who is Pike’s deity. And it’s Sarenrae, the goddess of healing and redemption, among other things.

MATT: Which is carried over actually from Pathfinder. Fifth Edition has its own suggested, there’s never a definitive pantheon. But they have the deity pantheon. But we’re carrying over Pathfinder deities that were prominently in the campaign up to this certain point, because why the hell not? We’re not gonna make her change her deity, that would be weird.

MARISHA: Travis, how did you pick your character?

TRAVIS: What? Oh. I asked what the biggest playable character was, I think. One that liked to fight, drink, and fight.

LIAM: One of the greatest pleasures for me, and I’m obviously a huge nerdlinger, and this is just me reliving high school. When I was talking to Sam about starting all this, and saying hey, let’s get together, it’s what I wanna do for my birthday, we pulled Travis in, Travis is fucking tight, look at him. He’s not the stereotypical D&D player, and he was as snake bitten as the rest of us. Play Dungeons & Dragons, please play Dungeons & Dragons.

TRAVIS: It was so good.

ASHLEY: It’s the best.

LIAM: It’ll make you so happy.

ORION: What about you? Keyleth?

MARISHA: I remember at the time I had a, we were playing another campaign, and I had like a rogue assassin, that you were in with me. And I had a kind of assassin character who was super seductress, and really high charisma. And I remember when I joined this game, I didn’t really know any of you guys really all that well, and I was kind of new to this world, so I ended up going with a kind of druid, and I kind of deliberately made her introvert, in a weird way to kind of reflect my newcoming to the group, but I was like, “whoa, it’ll be like I can be quiet.” so Keyleth has a really low charisma, but I kind of spin it in that she’s naive, and doesn’t really know. And that’s why she says things like, “but Clarence.”

(all laugh)

MARISHA: “You’re just special.” Because she’s naive, and kind of quiet. So she was just different than anything I’ve played before. But I really love being a druid. Druids are great.

TALIESIN: I played a lot in school. Other than Matt, I probably had the most experience playing D&D, and playing roleplaying games.

TRAVIS: Yeah you did. Genius.

TALIESIN: So I was really excited by the gunslinger in Pathfinder just 'cause it was something I hadn’t done before. So I found it the most interesting and unusual, but I was not, and I also felt it was a hole within the group that could be filled very well.

LIAM: Thedouginator keeps asking you, Matt, how you brought the party together the first day of play.

MARISHA: Wait, we haven’t heard Tiberius’ story as sorcerer. Then we can answer that question.

ORION: When this was going on, I asked Matt if there was a caster yet, like any glass cannons, and he said no. So I debated between a wizard and sorcerer. When we went over the different mechanics, how a wizard and a sorcerer works, I was more drawn to that. And I’m a huge RPG guy.

LIAM: You’re so entertaining.

ORION: To piggyback a quick question, to seal off the Tiberius thing, somebody asked if any of our voice acting influences our characters. Tiberius, absolutely. I played Elminster Aumar in the Neverwinter MMO. Which is a D&D MMO. And when we started this I’m essentially doing Elminster, but I made him super bubbly.

TALIESIN: No, someone asked how the group, yeah.

MATT: We got together, first session, essentially, was in a swamp town named Stillben, and the group at the time had, for their own separate reasons, been in this town, needing money, and had kind of come together as a mercenary group out of necessity. So the first session was them having known each other from a circumstance where they all ended up helping out an individual in the city, long story short, they had a small rapport, and knew at least each other were useful, and needed cash. And there was a job board in the town. So the first session was them being hired to look into a conspiracy within this swamp port town, Stillben. That was their first real adventure together. And when that finished, they kept going from there.

ORION: Uh, troll penis story.

ASHLEY: Troll penis.

(all laugh)

MARISHA: That’s fair.

ORION: I know you guys keep asking.

LIAM: Take it away, Mercer.

MATT: There was a battle. Subterranean battle that involved the party sneaking upon a group of two trolls that were around a fire. The idea to work past this came to Tiberius to transform himself visually into a female troll so he could Bugs Bunny them. Hey boys, you know, that thing. Not knowing the temperament of trolls, especially ones that are deep underground, and don’t get to see female trolls very often, they immediately just got extremely aggressive, and he found himself almost between a rock and a hard place.

ORION: I was getting raped by trolls.

MATT: The party then descended upon these trolls, and in the middle of battle, at numerous times, I believe Percy once and Laura the other, both took specific shots at each troll’s dick. Rolled a good shot with enough damage to blow them off. Now being a troll, they regenerate. But it was still a good effect, and when the battle was over, it was decided by the party to at least take one as a trophy and place it in the bag of holding.

TRAVIS: That was decided by me, thank you.

MATT: By Grog, and as such, it stayed for a while, until it was used as an implement of distraction in another encounter I believe.

TRAVIS: It worked.

MATT: Yeah, it worked. That was where troll dick came from.

ORION: It was spitroasting.

LIAM: Jake Bodro asked what’s it like playing for three hours in front of 2,500 people? I think our games have gotten a little bit better, only because when we play privately, there were sometimes lulls, where we weren’t sure what to do, we would go off to bathroom, we would take a break. But now there’s a little bit of the element of theater to it. Just a sprinkle of it. And it kinda of gooses the energy up.

ORION: I’m doing the same thing for the record.

TRAVIS: I keep seeing this one. For the 11 year old Sadie, the son of Odin shall have that cookie!

MATT: Aw, that’s sweet.

ASHLEY: There you go.

MATT: There is one bag of holding in the group, and Grog always has it.

TRAVIS: A troll dick and a bulette tongue.

MATT: There are many things that go into the bag.

TRAVIS: It hasn’t gone in that bag.

TALIESIN: Is there still a cow in the bag?

TRAVIS: No, Dork the ox.

MATT: Dork the ox is probably not.

TRAVIS: That’s when we first learned its limitations.

MATT: Why does Scanlan have so many awesome spells? Bards in Fifth Edition have one of the options they can choose. As they level up, can choose a couple of spells from any spellcasting class, which is great, and the boon that bards kinda needed to be more combat-effective. And you can choose the School of Lore or the School of Combat, I think, for the bard. He chose the School of Lore which allows you even more spells from other classes to boost your repertoire, so he became a fucking amazing bard.

LIAM: Also, Sam Riegel did a lot of a capella in college.

TRAVIS: He did, he really did.

LIAM: He helped write several seasons of The Voice, which was all about a capella, so Samis sort of a ringer for the bard class.

MATT: Yeah, kinda had to happen that way.

TRAVIS: Can Marisha do her dwarf impersonation?


LIAM: Yordee yorda–

MARISHA: Yorda youree yourdee yourd.

ASHLEY: Someone asked if Grog could keep one of his women in the bag of holding. You can’t put living things in the bag of holding.

TALIESIN: As we’ve learned.

MATT: You can.

MARISHA: With Dork.

MATT: They just die.

TRAVIS: There’s no air, it’s like a vacuum. A magical vacuum.

MATT: Dork the ox did not survive.

TRAVIS: One giant dead ox came out of the bag.

LIAM: Someone keeps asking if any of us have hirelings, or henchmen, and the simple answer to that is no.

MATT: That’s not true.

LIAM: Just Trinket.

ORION: At our Keep.


LIAM: Oh, that’s right!

TRAVIS: Yeah, we battle-tested them.

ORION: We have a Keep back in–

LIAM: Right before we started.

TRAVIS: The game before we came here. After they saved the kingdom of Eman, the sovereign Uriel Tal'Dorei III, as part of his gift to the group for essentially saving his family and the city itself, had a Keep constructed for them, and took about six months or so, and the Keep was finished, and then the party’s first session was them finding who they’re going to hire to take care of the Keep for them.

LIAM: It was like one episode of the Sims.

MATT: Kind of. It was great too, 'cause Grog’s whole idea of making them to see who would be the better hire was to break the pool cue and be like, “who survives?” Make them fight, it was pretty great.

TALIESIN: For Tone17, I played a modified Malkavian, and a Smetty if you can believe such a thing, which was badass.

MATT: There you go.

LIAM: We’ve been playing for two and a half years. Someone wanted to know how long.

TALIESIN: Oh my God, really?

TRAVIS: Did we tell them about your podcast with the recording of the very first one?

LIAM: If you want, Sam and I, it’s kind of languishing, but we have a podcast together called AllWorkNoPlay.

TRAVIS: It’s amazing.

LIAM: We’re both parents, we have kids, so we have no time to do anything. Enough time to take a shit. The first or second episode, the first episode is about us playing the first game, and there’s audio from the first game. Again, go to iTunes, or to AllWorkNoPlay on Pod Bean, and you’ll hear about two minutes of us dealing with a puzzle that Matt threw at us.

MARISHA: It was timed.

LIAM: Yeah, it was timed, there was an hourglass going off. It was us discovering D&D really for the first time. AllWorkNoPlay, all one word.

MARISHA: Actually one of my favorite stories that I tell all the time is about you, from our first game, 'cause if you remember, I didn’t play. I just kinda helped Matt help you guys. I was like a D&D minion. And I remember I was helping you, and I remember you were like, “So, if I just wanted to go up and punch those guards, I could do that?” And I was like, yeah, well you would go up, and you would punch them, and then Matt would tell you how you’d do that. And then you went like this, you were like.

TRAVIS: Computing.

MARISHA: Yeah, you were like, “so, we can do anything?”

(all laugh)

MARISHA: And I was like, yeah.

LIAM: Taliesin on game one was actually not Percy, he was a dragonborn paladin?

TALIESIN: I was a dragonborn paladin.

LIAM: You fucking blew our minds, we were like, “what do I do? "Can I do damage points to stop this puzzle.” There was this tunnel with all these moving parts, we thought we were gonna be crushed, and he was a dragonborn for the first episode. It’s in the recording on the the AllWorkNoPlay podcast. And he just breathed ice on this water-based–

TALIESIN: Contraption.

LIAM: And froze it, and everyone was like, “you can do that? You can’t just roll dice and hit it?” And that’s when we kind of understood oh, it’s whatever the fuck you want.

TALIESIN: That was such a good game for learning the basic mechanics. Such a well put together game.

ORION: Matt does control the music while we play.

MATT: Yes, I have playlists. They were much more broad playlists before, unfortunately on the stream, we have to use only approved royalty-free music, so it took me a while to figure it out previous to this.

TRAVIS: I do miss those Madonna songs.

MATT: I know. I used to play a lot of Bush.

MARISHA: Hey, would that count as fan art? If fans made us music?


MARISHA: Could we then use that? Yeah? He’s nodding.

ZAC: They can send us whatever they want.

MARISHA: Some consent forms? Yeah.

TRAVIS: If one of your characters died, would you roll a new character?

ORION: Music people out there.

MARISHA: Any music people. Anything atmospheric.

LIAM: No, no, that’s an important question.

TRAVIS: Ignore it.

LIAM: No, it’s important. Someone’s asking, if we die, would we roll in a new character? And plus, we just started this show, so part of us were wondering like, what if we die the second episode? What happens? We recorded this opening to the show that’s coming.

MATT: So here’s how I run the world. I feel that one of the problems in some RPGs is that death becomes flippant when magic allows you to completely undo it. In my campaigns certain powerful spells like Greater Restoration, Resurrection, things like that are a challenge, meaning you can definitely undo death, but a lot of it is based on your capabilities as a spellcaster, your attachment to the people you’ve been traveling with. So if ever a character does die, a resurrection can be attempted, but it is a challenge. Which means there’s a possibility of it failing. In which case, if the resurrection fails, the soul is lost, the character is permanently dead. The player then can leave and never come back if they want to, but they have the option to create a new character, and be reintroduced to the campaign like half a level lower than the rest.

ASHLEY: That would suck so much.

LIAM: When Pike died we had, all of us, many series of dice rolls to do, and it was very story-based.

MARISHA: Yeah people are asking how she came back.

LIAM: Yeah, I mean, luckily we were in a big city, there was a huge temple. There were very wise clerics who were good at bringing people back. But still, we all had to roll. There was three rounds we had to roll, he might have fudged numbers, I don’t know. But we were all still scared. We had to all, the majority of us, had to have good rolls three times in a row. Scanlan had to put–

TRAVIS: The tears of three women in the room.

LIAM: The tears, Scanlan had to kiss her on the head, he put a figure that he carved of her, it was very elaborate. This one was majorly in tears. Laura was in tears.

ASHLEY: I was in tears.

TALIESIN: Laura was hyperventilating.

ORION: And when that was going on, I remember, when that went off, being still Tiberius, I was like in half character but half not, and I was not crying, I was like, (grumbles) the whole time, and as soon as she sprung back to life, because the cleric–

MATT: Breathed in her first breath after that.

ORION: We luckily, because I know it was a tight roll.

MATT: It was a very tight roll. It was a DC of 14 in the final roll, and because Scanlan brought out this figure of her that he had carved for her like two months beforehand as a gift, sets it down and kisses her on the forehead, and it was kinda the final connection point. He needed 14, he rolled a 12, but, because he– There’s a plus two modifier to the skill check, being a bard, and that was what he needed, he just made it. Basic, basic–

LIAM: Someone’s asking if we drink while playing, and the answer is no.

(all laugh)

TRAVIS: It’s just water in those tankards.


MARISHA: I almost did, yeah.

ORION: When she came back to life is when Tiberius, I was like, “oh my God, she’s okay!”

ASHLEY: I think also having– Because with magic and everything like that, just bringing somebody back to life so easily, since we don’t have that as much as maybe other games– It’s heightened, so every time someone gets hurt, we’re all, I think now, after having that death, all of us are like, “where are you at? Where are you at?”

ORION: Where are you going? I wish I could turn to Sam, but he’s not here.

ASHLEY: We’re all so stressed out now, which is, it’s kinda cool.

MATT: Mortality’s a real thing you have to deal with, and up until Pike’s death it was kind of a thing people weren’t considering. It just happened so suddenly.

LIAM: One I see keep coming up since we started is how would we react to life if we were our characters? I don’t know, or differently from our characters? 'Cause I wouldn’t stab my children when they frustrate me.

MATT: I’d be in a padded room.

(all laugh)

MARISHA: I feel like everyone tries to make decisions in a game that their character would make in real life, 'cause that’s kind of the point. I take into consideration that I have shitty charisma, whenever I open my mouth. I feel like we all try and take into consideration our background and our alignment, because that’s, you know.

TALIESIN: I feel significantly more badass than my character.

ORION: I feel… Tiberius is just me with magic. So that’s how I feel.

TRAVIS: Grog was easy, he makes bad decisions, which is just all that I do.

MATT: Pike died when they were fighting what was called a treachery demon, or a glabrezu, which had basically infiltrated the Sovereign Uriel, and the city of Emon. And when it revealed its final form, it got one lucky critical hit on Pike when she was too close, and just instantly took her out. That’s how she died. Someone’s asking if they can (laughs) send us equipment we need for the show. Zac.

ZAC: Yeah, they can.

MATT: What do you need?

ZAC: We’ll put it on the wishlist.

MATT: There you go, it’s on the wishlist.

ORION: There’s a wishlist?

MATT: I didn’t know there was one, but now there is.

ZAC: Castle Greyskull on there.

LIAM: How do we feel about Team Demihooman, and inspiring them to play D&D for the first time? I think the number one reason we all wanna do this is because we love each other, and we love this game. The second thing is we all knew, we kind of felt like– We’re gonna make Dungeons & Dragons cool again.

MATT: Try at least.

LIAM: And make it open for anyone to do, there’s no reason not to do this. If there’s someone you know who doesn’t understand it, don’t worry about it. Just find some friends and connect with them.

MATT: I find one of the difficult things is explaining to somebody who has never played an RPG, or a game of D&D at all, they’re like, “how does it work, what is it?” And it’s hard to explain, so if anything, now we have an example with this show. Other than the IT Crowd episode, or the Community episode, which are both great examples for quick little succinct things.

TALIESIN: If we had the power to bring one guest player for one session.

ORION: Oh, that’s easy. Tom Hanks, for sure.

(all laugh)

MARISHA: Mazes and Madness.

ZAC: Everyone is asking for you guys to somehow get Vin Diesel.

MARISHA: I was gonna say, Vin Diesel.

ORION: He lives for this shit!

MATT: Vin Diesel’s good. Top of my list is Stephen Colbert, because I know he also plays.

ASHLEY: That would be amazing.

TALIESIN: I would love to see Joss Whedon do this. I admit I would like to see Joss Whedon play D&D. That’d be interesting.

ZAC: That might be possible.

TALIESIN: Okay, I’m throwing that one out there.

ORION: What, Tom Hanks isn’t?

MARISHA: Felicia’s got some.

MATT: But he’s also a super fuckin’ busy man.

ORION: Guys, tweet at Tom Hanks to come play with us.

TRAVIS: I’m Morgan Freeman, and I rolled a one.

MATT: Right now, Critical Role Hanks. See if we can make it trend. Patton Oswalt would be great.

ORION: That’d be hilarious.

ZAC: What about Dan Harmon, just so I can get fired, can we do that?

(all laugh)

MATT: Yeah. Hardwick used to play D&D with Patton Oswalt in the mid-2000s. I can’t even imagine what those games were like.

ORION: I’d like to like– Amy Poehler, I’d like to have one of those.

ZAC: She might be open to that. She’s a partner with Legendary.

ORION: I’d love her, Tina, Tina Fey.

LIAM: Someone keeps asking about Troy, I don’t know if Troy Baker is ready.

ORION: I don’t think he’s ready for this jelly. You guys think he’s ready for this jelly? I don’t think so.

MATT: Whenever it comes up in conversation, Troy always gives me that look of like… “All right.”

TRAVIS: You can see him swimming in the infinity of–

MARISHA: “That’s not cool.”

LIAM: He has some preconceived notions.

MARISHA: “My scarves are cooler than you.”

MATT: Once we get him like a proper plus two enchanted scarf.

ASHLEY: Can we ship Grog and Vex?

TRAVIS: Grog and Vex. No, I’m here to annoy Vex by smacking her bear around, and she’s here to tell me not to kill myself. “Don’t jump into the crevasse, it’s 1000 feet deep.”

ASHLEY: Troy Baker is Pike’s distanced dad.

(all laugh)

MATT: That’s pretty funny.

LIAM: Answer this question I like, I saw it a couple times, how did you guys get involved in streaming for Geek & Sundry?

TRAVIS: Virgin sacrifice.

MATT: The best way I know that happened was, we had been playing for a while, and we all work in the industry. People began to hear about our voiceover D&D game, weirdly. Like I’d come into sessions with directors I’ve never worked with before, they’d be like, “Oh yeah, you’re the guy that runs that D&D game.” How did that happen? How is that my thing? I’m cool with it, like heck yeah, my little high school self is like, I’m okay with being known about that. But then over time eventually Geek & Sundry contacted us. Felicia had heard about it. They called me in for a meeting, and we spent a number of months trying to figure out what format we were gonna try, if we wanna do it like multi camera, filmed canned episodes, then eventually the Twitch possibility came up, and we were like no, this is a much better format for us. And that’s kind of how it happened.

LIAM: Are you kosher with me, you took this film, there’s a video of you breaking the news to us that Geek & Sundry came to you about it. Are you kosher with me sharing that video?

MATT: Yeah, I don’t see why not.

LIAM: All right, I’ll find a way to put it through my Twitter. So just keep your eye on my Twitter.

ASHLEY: Wait, what are you sharing?

LIAM: There was a video that Orion took when Matt told us about Geek & Sundry coming to him. And us all sort of toasting and laughing.

ORION: Reacting.

LIAM: Giggling like idiots.

MATT: Why is D&D Pathfinder making you so much more attached to the characters than a regular RPG? If you mean like a video game RPG? I mean you get attached either way, but with this, because you are so much more fluid, with how you can influence the world, and the character, and the way the character reacts to the world and how it can influence it is so much more–

MARISHA: Personal.

MATT: Personal, a good way of putting it. It’s just that much more involving, and you invest so much into that atmosphere. And it depends on the group, some people just like to do dungeon crawls, and kill and get loot and experience, and that’s totally cool too. For me at least. I like 'em both for different reasons. I still play the crap out of video game RPGs.

LIAM: Someone asked if given the chance, would we like to do a live game at a convention like Acquisition Inc.? I’d like to do, although there’s nine of us, so that’d be kind of–

ASHLEY: That’d be a long game.

ZAC: We may be asking you guys to do that soon.

LIAM: Oh good, then yes.

MATT: As long as you’re handling the tech, I think we’d be fine with that.

LIAM: I’d like to do it.

ZAC: We may be streaming from Comic Con, I don’t know. We may be asking if you guys are gonna go through that hell hole.

LIAM: The answer is yes.

ORION: Can we get a jib? I like crane shots.


ASHLEY: A helicopter? A helicopter shot.

ORION: Put it on the wishlist.

ZAC: Put it on the wishlist, a jib.

LIAM: How many of you aside from Matt have run a game of D&D or another RPG? In high school I ran a D&D game, I ran a Rifts game for a little while.

MATT: Rifts, yes.

LIAM: I ran a cyberpunk game for a little while.

TRAVIS: Really?

LIAM: Yes. The last two months I have been helping my eight-year-old son and two of his friends from school create characters. And I wouldn’t have done this if Matt had not forced this shit into my life. I wouldn’t have done this, but I’m about to start running a game for my son, the half-elf druid, and his two friends, the dragonborn fighter, and the dragonborn rogue.

TRAVIS: What if they die?

LIAM: That’s just how the cookie crumbles, motherfucker.

TRAVIS: Oh man, you are teaching life lessons.

MARISHA: Gotta teach lessons.

TRAVIS: Go Fish and then D&D.

TALIESIN: I ran a Rifts game as well in high school. Then I ran a game of Vampire the Masquerade, and I was in a bunch of them.

LIAM: Of course you did.

TALIESIN: Couple rounds of Paranoia, and Hole, because that’s funny. Hole was amazing.

MATT: Which you gave me books for. For my birthday, which was awesome.

MARISHA: I was a part of a Buffy the Vampire Slayer tabletop RPG for a while. Yeah, it’s actually quite fun. I was a pyromancer.

ORION: Somebody asked a fun one, they asked if we play, what’s our favorite video game?

MARISHA: What’s our favorite video games? Oh that’s a hard question.

ORION: Is it?

MARISHA: There’s so many!

ORION: Well we can skip it.

LIAM: Metal Gear, Dragon Age.

ASHLEY: Probably Portal, Portal or Dragon Age.

MATT: Portal’s great.

LIAM: Castlevania, Symphony of the Night, I played 'til I had blisters on my thumbs.

MATT: Symphony of the Night, yeah, dude. What is a man?

TALIESIN: Borderlands 2, and I’m happy–

ASHLEY: Borderlands 2.

LIAM: Pool of Radiance on my Commodore 64.

ORION: Oh shit.

LIAM: Baldur’s Gate, which I played again on my iPad a year or two ago. Somebody, oh go ahead.

ORION: I was just saying.

LIAM: Somebody asked how we focus in the room with the sexual magnetism that is Scanlan Shorthalt.

ASHLEY: Ooh, it’s tough man.

LIAM: I don’t know.

TALIESIN: I wear a codpiece. I wear a codpiece that keeps everything in check.

MATT: I’m heavily sedated most of the game, just for that reason. Otherwise the clothes would just come right off.

LIAM: I just let myself get a gigantic boner every week.

MATT: Does anyone play League? Generally.

MARISHA: Sometimes. We’re playing Heroes of the Storm more now.

ORION: I’m a big Final Fantasy fan. I like all kinds of games. I definitely would say if I had to pick one RPG, cause I’m an RPG guy, I love Chrono Cross, that’d be my favorite game. I’ve played that more than I have Chrono Trigger, which is way too many times.

TRAVIS: Dragon Age race/class. Ash, anybody that plays?

MATT: Elf rogue.

TALIESIN: Human fighter.

TRAVIS: Always the mage.

LIAM: Travis, stupid question, Thor, Odinson, or Hulk, in a knock down drag out?

TRAVIS: Oh (scoffs).

ORION: Type-0 also, dammit.

TRAVIS: Contractually, Thor, realistically, Hulk. I mean I am Thor, I can’t say any other guy.

TALIESIN: Hulk’s on a scaling power level, 'cause he just gets too mad.

TRAVIS: Yeah let’s just be real about that. That’s Hulk.

MATT: Tried new Final Fantasy yet?

ASHLEY: ChocolateSweets a bunch of times has asked would you guys consider cosplay for the games?

TALIESIN: Well technically. We already did.

MARISHA: You’ll see, maybe next week?

MATT: He’s trying the best he can. We have an intro coming up some point soon.

ZAC: Halfway done.

MATT: Halfway done, we all shot loosely in character costumes inspired by everyone’s characters, so you’ll be able to see that soon.

TALIESIN: If anyone would like to make us costumes.

LIAM: One man doing it all.

TRAVIS: A million arms.

ASHLEY: I think it would be kinda hard for me to play the game in cosplay, 'cause I have probably the most armor now.

MATT: You do. You wear the most armor.

ORION: That’s a cool question. If you had to switch characters Matt, if you had to switch characters, which one would you be?

MARISHA: If you had to trade places with one of us?

ORION: Yeah, if you would switch characters.

ZAC: That question was Matt included, question was for everyone, if you guys could switch characters with anyone, who would you pick? Including Matt.

ASHLEY: I would probably switch with Liam or Travis.

TALIESIN: Tiberius would be mine, I’d take Tiberius.

LIAM: Scanlan, I would be Scanlan.

MATT: I would be Scanlan, bards man. Bards are my favorite class.

MARISHA: I’d be probably either Scanlan or Pike.

TRAVIS: I’d be Trinket.

MATT: Yeah you would.

TRAVIS: Why are you peeing on everything?

MARISHA: Bards and clerics are great.

ORION: I’d definitely be Grog. Just the complete opposite of what I can do.

TALIESIN: I’m a WoW player on occasion, I haven’t played in ages.

ORION: For the Horde.

MATT: Player wants to play a lizardfolk monk, what’s my opinion about the idea? That’s fine, I mean a player can play whatever they want to, as long as you as the DM want it in your campaign. Just make sure they have more to their character besides “I’m a lizard monk!” have a good reason why they trained as a monk. If they make a cool personality behind it, work it into the social structure of their lizardfolk people, and see whether the monks will be shunned or accepted, are they an outcast of the society? Think of those ideas, and make a cool character based on the story, from a fighting standpoint? That’d be cool. I used to play a lizard monk in Ruins of Kunark back in the old EQ days. Oh man. That was a while back.

LIAM: Someone asked when Trinket came into the mix. Day one.

TRAVIS: Day one. She had that shit like that. She knew she wanted a pet bear.

MARISHA: He hasn’t died yet.

ORION: He hasn’t died, it’s amazing, this thing has not died. He should have died so many times.

MATT: She spent all of her character focus in having a pet from combat, and then never puts it in combat, because she doesn’t want it to get killed, and it’s fucking hilarious.

TRAVIS: We put it jeopardy situations before.

MATT: Yeah, you have. Every time she goes, “never again!” And I’m like, all right, well.

TALIESIN: The day that bear dies, it’s gonna get ugly.

ASHLEY: It’s gonna be bad.

ORION: It’s good to change her, as a character.

TRAVIS: Alignment shift.

TALIESIN: So much black to wear.

MARISHA: Douginator asked me a super detailed question. So I don’t wanna blow over it, 'cause it was awesome. He asked me how my path has gone, and my personal Aramente journey, and how working with the group has helped and slowed it down. For the Air Ashari and for Keyleth’s journey, it’s kind of expected to take her maybe ten, maybe 20 years? It takes her like, the Aramente is expected to take a long time, and part of it is her kind of proving herself a hero. So she kind of ended up tagging along with this motley crew in order to kind of help her so she’s not doing it alone. So it’s a good thing that she’s tagging along. But she also has to deal with sometimes the moral dilemma of maybe choices that she might not normally make if she wasn’t with the group that she has to go with.

LIAM: I see two questions I wanna address. One is what is each of our favorite kill?

ORION: I was gonna say that was a good one.

LIAM: And the second one is what’s the story behind the Super High Intensity Team?

(all laugh)

LIAM: Let’s start with the kills, and then we’ll get to the SHITs. My favorite kill, I finished off a blue dragon we faced. We all chipped away at this dragon, someone who had disguised himself as human for a long time, then we came to their secret cubbyhole, and they revealed themselves. We chipped away and chipped away, then at the end I sort of parkour-ran up a wall and shoved the daggers into its neck, and just slid down its entire body and finished it.

ORION: My favorite kill is actually–

LIAM: Until today.

ORION: When Pike kicked the bucket, and that moment all of us realized what happened, and there was an instant shift in real emotion, where whatever the hell, I don’t even remember who we were fighting, because I went like, fucking cast this, and everyone’s just, kill this thing, because we all cared so much in a real life situation, where we hated this thing, with real emotion, and we just slaughtered it.

TALIESIN: The demon-possessed royal family was my favorite.

LIAM: That was the same thing.

TALIESIN: Yeah, that was my favorite fight. Just using the light, also we were shooting, I was getting to shoot holes in the glass.

MATT: The entire throne room had a glass dome overtop, but because the family had been possessed by the shades, these shadow entities, it was all covered. They were able to force these spirits out of the physical bodies without killing them by being able to tear off the cloth or shoot holes in it to allow sunlight in and use that as part of the battle tactic, it worked out really cool.

MARISHA: Yeah, that was fun.

TRAVIS: My favorite kill wasn’t even an enemy, it was when Scanlan summoned that pony, when we were facing those five wizards.

(all laugh)

TRAVIS: He summoned this pony, and then I turned and abruptly cut its fucking head off, and reached in and grabbed its organs, and smeared its gore all over myself, and started screaming. And Mercer was like, “okay.”

ORION: The fight ended there.

MATT: Roll intimidation, with a bonus.

TRAVIS: Butchered a pony for intimidation.

MATT: Yeah, it worked.

MARISHA: I think one of my favorite Keyleth moments, it wasn’t a kill, but when we were in the crazy, Michael Jackson, Neverland Ranch, sorcerer dude’s plane of existence.

MATT: The Dread Emperor.

MARISHA: Yeah, when we were in his plane of existence, and we encountered that big tree rock monster, and I just happened to take Command Plants, and he happened to be a plant monster, so it just worked out perfectly, and I was just like, “We don’t wanna fight you! Back down.” and avoided an entire battle.

TALIESIN: Getting the magic carpet was also pretty badass.

MARISHA: Oh yeah, that was a good story.

LIAM: Another fabulous moment that you guys have to know about is we wanted to get into a tower at one point, and there was a very intelligent sort of right-hand man to whoever owned the tower. Scanlan just started fast-talking, which is his defining characteristic. Took his finger and put it right here as a mustache, and said, “Hi, I’m Burt Reynolds.”

(all laugh)

LIAM: And he rolled, either Scanlan rolled a 20–

TRAVIS: I think it was a natural.

MATT: He rolled a natural 20.

LIAM: And you weren’t expecting it to work, in any way, shape, or form, and you went, “Okay.”

TRAVIS: Mr. Reynolds.

MARISHA: Burt Reynolds just announced that he’s gonna be at Philly Wizard World with us, so we could theoretically tell him that story.

MATT: I have to.

ASHLEY: Burt Reynolds would be a dream guest.

ORION: Him and Tom Hanks.

TRAVIS: He’d have to play on a bearskin carpet.

MATT: The whole family history organized.

ASHLEY: I’ve only had one kill.

TRAVIS: But, it was what?

ASHLEY: And it was a dragon.

TRAVIS: Yeah, dragonslayer.

ASHLEY: But the thing that I, probably the whole battle with the family that was sort of possessed when I actually died, that was probably one of my favorite battles. Maybe not after I died, prior to. When I got to finish off the dragon–

TALIESIN: Was that on Christmas?

ASHLEY: The dragon? Yes. That night was so amazing because we had, we made it a winter festival. So we all came in our pajamas. It was close to Christmas, that’s why it was a winter festival. It was like our little Christmas party.

MARISHA: Our holiday episode.

LIAM: That was sad for me because it was my idea but I had health problems at the time and I had to bow out, and I was very, very, very sad.

MATT: But you made it to this year’s.

LIAM: I made it the following year, yeah.

TALIESIN: Yeah, we had a whole little thing, it was really nice.

MATT: I would love to play D&D with Dame Judy Dench.

MARISHA: Heck yeah.

MATT: You guys can tweet at her so you can get her to agree.

LIAM: The SHITs. How did we become the SHITs?

MATT: Yes. So the party had run into a, debearded, actually, shaven dwarf named Grimthorn, who wanted to represent them for, what is occasionally, a roving brawling guild, essentially. Like underground fighting rings that happen around the world at different points throughout the year. It may come up again, we’ll see. But they had to think of a team name. And Scanlan. Recommended the Super High Intensity Team. Which stuck for a while, so the group name, against the better judgement of, I think, a lot of the group, became The SHITs. So their name for a while was The SHITs, they were announced as The SHITs in the ring, when they won the tournament. That was when the pony was cut in half, to intimidate the opposing team.

TRAVIS: Scanlan’s idea also.

ORION: Tiberius and Keyleth were not happy.

MATT: SHITs stuck for a while until eventually they got rid of the SHITs, as all of a sudden they were about to go to the winter festival parade in their honor for saving the entire city of Eman, and the Sovereign Uriel said, “What should we announce you as?” and it was decided not to announce you guys in front of the city at your parade as The SHITs.

ASHLEY: I was super into it. Still love The SHITs.

MATT: Instead the name became Vox Machina. So if you’ve heard them say that, that’s the official team name they’ve created for themselves as a group.

ORION: With credit to Sam as well, which was voted down was also the Brotherhood of the Sisterhood. Which I was a huge fan of. I really wanted it to be the Brotherhood of the Sisterhood. But Vox Machina sounded cooler.

ASHLEY: The Brotherhood of the Sisterhood of the Order, or something like that?

MARISHA: The Order of the Brotherhood of the Sisterhood.

ORION: So Tiberius recognizes as the Vox Machina/Brotherhood of the Sisterhood.

LIAM: LargoSensei keeps asking, what are your most cathartic voice acting experiences? I’m gonna guess for Ashley that’s The Last of Us, since that’s your fucking heart ripped out of your chest.

ASHLEY: Probably, yeah.

LIAM: Gollum was pretty sad for me, because he’s a miserable bastard. Also Angel from Wolverine, the X-Men.

ORION: Wait, does cathartic mean sad?

LIAM: Well it just means get your fucking demons out. Chew it up.

TALIESIN: Mine’s really old, it’s probably either Monster or Paranoia Agent. I’m gonna go that far back. Yeah, all the way back.

MATT: Fate Zero for me had a moment that was pretty intense emotionally, that I really enjoyed.

TRAVIS: Knuckles the Echidna in Sonic.

(all laugh)

MATT: Sonic Boom, yo.

MARISHA: Boom, Sonic Boom.

TRAVIS: What’s that?

LIAM: Infamous, maybe?

TRAVIS: Oh, yeah.

LIAM: Pretty fucking sad.

TRAVIS: Brothers. Brotherhood. Brotherly love.

ORION: I’d say for me it was doing Type-0. Not so much the actual lines, 'cause I had a lot of fun. I don’t know if that’s cathartic, but. Completing an actual real life dream goal. I’ve said this a couple times before, but the last day I was recording the last stuff, I was literally crying on the way home, because I finally got to level myself up. And this thing kept it up, and it was really cool.

TRAVIS: Matt, who were you in Fate-0?

MATT: I’m Kiritsugu, Kiritsugu Emiya.

TRAVIS: Bless you.

MATT: Thank you. That’s the dark assassin character.

TALIESIN: Saw a question about Percy’s home, and his family. Percy has a really really big family, that I don’t mention in the video, and he has not been home yet. He has no interest in going home yet, 'cause that’s terrifying. So we have not dealt with that.

MATT: That’s going to be interesting when that comes around.

TRAVIS: What’s under the freakin’ lake?

LIAM: What’s under the freakin’ lake, Matt?

MARISHA: Yeah, what’s under the lake?

MATT: You were told.

ORION: Yeah, it’s one of those big–

MATT: Aboleth.

MARISHA: Oh yeah that’s right, I did write it down.

MATT: Which you encountered one underground.

MARISHA: Yes, I was a shark.

MATT: Put the slime into the water. You could only breathe water and couldn’t breathe air.

MARISHA: Remember, 'cause I was like, “I’m gonna be crafty and turn into a shark,” and then I started immediately drowning.

ORION: How do you keep players from getting OP, Matt?

MATT: Make the monsters more powerful.

ORION: Behind the scenes, I’m always constantly up his ass, trying to make Tiberius as OP as possible, and he’s always stopping me a lot.

MATT: Balance is important. I mean, the characters, everyone here has really good characters that have a lot of cool abilities, but they also have a lot of challenges that come at them that make them, not only use those abilities, but also, monsters can have cool abilities too.

LIAM: Bracheon89, you said Stephen King plays D&D?

ASHLEY: Yes, that’s what I was trying to say. What?

LIAM: Bracheon, we’re going to wait for your answer. How do you know he plays D&D?

ASHLEY: Are you sure?

LIAM: Let’s get him in here.

MATT: I’d love that.

TALIESIN: The group’s worst decision in D&D was the dragon, I think.

MARISHA: Oh yeah, Grog?


TRAVIS: Listen, there was a shitload of gold.

ASHLEY: I still don’t think that was a bad idea.

ORION: Oh, when he started hoarding all the gold?

MARISHA: We still don’t know if that–

LIAM: Takes a lot of stupid.

MARISHA: He might have been an ally. We might have killed someone who was valuable.

TALIESIN: You were still freaking out like a month later, you were feeling really bad.

TRAVIS: Well, I did almost get us killed.

ASHLEY: I feel like it was a good decision.

MATT: To be fair, it’s the only time I’ve ever had a player rage loot before.

(all laugh)

MATT: You went into a rage, and used it to just loot more. And then the dragon revealed itself, and you looked at it, and you just kept looting.

(all laugh)

TRAVIS: You guys take care of this.

ASHLEY: That was hilarious.

MATT: That’s Grog.

LIAM: Somebody keeps asking, and we’ll do a show of hands here, Lord of the Rings or Game of Thrones?

ASHLEY: Oh, come on.

MARISHA: Ooh, that’s tough.

LIAM: What do you prefer? 10 seconds to think about it, and then I’ll–

TALIESIN: That’s like Star Trek or Star Wars.

MARISHA: Yeah, hard.

LIAM: They’re asking the question.

ZAC: Don’t be afraid, come on.

TRAVIS: That’s tough.

LIAM: Lord of the Rings, fuckin’ Lord of the Rings. There you go, there’s the answer.

ASHLEY: I don’t know, man.

TALIESIN: Lord of the Rings, but I see Game of Thrones on the side.

LIAM: I love Game of Thrones.

MARISHA: Of course we do.

TRAVIS: Lord of the Rings.

TALIESIN: We wouldn’t have Game of Thrones without Lord of the Rings.

MARISHA: That’s the thing.

LIAM: Maybe possibly not Dungeons & Dragons without Lord of the Rings.

ASHLEY: This is true, it’s the OG. I don’t know what that even–

TALIESIN: You said that. That just came out of your mouth.

ASHLEY: Please let’s leave it alone. Moving on.

TRAVIS: That’s the OG.

ASHLEY: What is this, what do we have over here? Well, who was the old gnome that Grog saved in his intro video?

LIAM: Pike’s daddy.

ASHLEY: No, that was my great great grandfather.

TRAVIS: That’s right.

ASHLEY: Yes, great great grandfather Wilhand.

TRAVIS: Wilhelm, hand? Wilhand.

ASHLEY: That’s right.

LIAM: Wilhand the money.

TRAVIS: Grog has an intelligence of six, he’s gonna get names wrong from time to time.

LIAM: Everybody, if you could choose whatever fantasy world to live in, what would it be?

TRAVIS: Marvel.


ORION: I would live in the… Next Generation world, universe.

TALIESIN: You had me at Marvel.


ZAC: Here’s the thing, you could live in Marvel what you live in, if you couldn’t live in that world as a superhero, just as a normal person.

TRAVIS: Right, not in New York. Anybody that lives in New York in the Marvel universe is just stupid. Like rent’s gotta be $1.50.

TALIESIN: Terrible idea.

MATT: I’d say Myst. So I can just write my own worlds to infinity from there.

LIAM: Lord of the Rings.

MATT: Or Amber as well.

ASHLEY: I was gonna say Lord of the Rings. Maybe Rivendell.

MARISHA: I’m gonna say Final Fantasy 10.

MATT: Grey Havens. If you’re gonna do Lord of the Rings, do Grey Havens, 'cause you’re far enough away from Mordor, where it’s generally not gonna be a problem.

LIAM: I wanna be one of the Fellowship. Ashley Johnson lived in a Marvel universe already, right?

MATT: That’s true.

ORION: See, and it’s a big hassle.

MARISHA: It was a big hassle.

ORION: Yeah.

MATT: Before the stream, our D&D session–

MARISHA: High insurance rates.

MATT: Before the stream our D&D sessions would happen once every month to month and a half, more like month and a half.

LIAM: Why is Matt Scarlet Witch?

MATT: I’m down with it. 'Cause I alter reality. Power makes sense. Our sessions used to be once every month, or month and a half, and they would be about six to eight hours. But the problem is we’d play so infrequently, every session I’d have to remind everyone what happened, and it was hard to schedule. Part of the reason we’re even doing this show, is because it’s technically work, which allows those of us who have families and children more of an excuse to come more often. So yeah.

LIAM: Googoo17, Arkazey keeps asking, what’s your favorite nerdy t-shirt you own? Mine is one that says Mordor World Tour, it looks like a rock 'n’ roll t-shirt, but it says Mordor World Tour.

MARISHA: That’s cool. Favorite nerdy t-shirt.

TALIESIN: I’ve got a Sons of Anarchy Doctor Who t-shirt, I’m a really big fan of. I’ll wear it next week.

MARISHA: I’ve got like an army, kind of soldiery, looking t-shirt that says Chimera, like Chimera Corps.

MATT: That’s actually the one I was gonna say, that’s my favorite shirt too.

MARISHA: I like your displacer kitty you’ve got.

MATT: Displacer kitty’s kind of cool. Adorable.

TALIESIN: I like your shine on me shirt.

MATT: Oh God. If you guys haven’t watched. Chris Dane Owens, on YouTube, Chris Dane Owens, Shine on Me. It’s a music video, watch it. Chris Dane Owens, Shine, or Shine on Me, YouTube, do it.

TALIESIN: I love that you own the shirt from it.

MATT: I bought a shirt from it, 'cause it’s that amazing, I had to.

TRAVIS: Did anyone tell Pike that Scanlan killed the naga for her?

MATT: I don’t think someone’s done it yet.

LIAM: Scanlan had his first kill. You saw it, right?

MATT: You saw it on the stream.

ASHLEY: I saw it, me, Ashley saw it, but Pike did not hear about it yet. Who knows, that could be the thing that seals the deal. I’ll be like, you killed the naga? Okay, let’s do this.

(all laugh)

MARISHA: Any betrayals in the game?

MATT: No betrayals, disagreements, and occasional–

TRAVIS: Trippings and beat-downs.

MATT: And stealing of flying carpets.

ASHLEY: I actually did step, I kind of did hurt Liam one game. Or Vax.

LIAM: The game we played together? We did just the two of us one night.

ASHLEY: There were some of the girls changing in a room.

MATT: I forgot about this.

LIAM: I was very curious to see you naked. But that’s kinda fallen on the wayside.

ASHLEY: Vax was very curious to see what a gnome looked like naked.

LIAM: Never seen it before.

MARISHA: So you did a little peeping tom?

LIAM: Why wouldn’t I wanna expand my horizons?

MATT: So he rolled stealth.

ASHLEY: So he rolled stealth, and he did, and saw or whatever, and then when I came back out, and I found out about it.

LIAM: Looked good, it was compact.

ASHLEY: It was just a small human. And I think I stepped on your foot, and gave you some damage.

LIAM: Maybe a hit point.

ASHLEY: Yeah, a hit point or two.

MATT: You earned it.

ASHLEY: I earned it.

ORION: Somebody, seagullblaster–

LIAM: No, Vax didn’t spy on Vex, sorry, go ahead.

ORION: Asked– Tiberius said something about the Palestone, and what it is, and this is, somebody asked a different question, this is kinda gonna answer both. I, and everybody else, wrote backstories for Matthew to essentially give him so he could construct our universe. Tiberius’ particular quest is looking for particular artifacts. Essentially I made him like Mulder. Nobody believes in the city that these things exist, except him, so the truth is out there kinda thing. So I made up these five different artifacts that do different things. And I don’t know what they do until I might maybe find them, and if I do, it’s up to him, to Matt, to determine what they are, if they are anything. They might be nothing, I don’t know. I’ve found one item so far, and it’s awesome, and all of us have given him bits and pieces, and that’s how he constructs our story with things that you throw in yourself.

MATT: Yeah, and each player, all their story lines work into the world. Not all of them will happen immediately of course, some people have had personal encounters and story encounters already, some are yet to occur, and there will be points throughout the campaign where the party will probably have to move and individually deal with each person’s story to some extent.

MARISHA: Dealt a little bit with each person.

MATT: Touched a little bit like– In Eman, we’ve seen Vex and Vax’s father.

LIAM: Vex and I ran into to our father again for the first time in many years, it was a little frosty.

MATT: Had a new family.

LIAM: Have a little half sister.

TRAVIS: Matt, you have a favorite voice? And does it hurt to do the gnarly monster voice?

MATT: If you do it for an extended period of time it can be kind of shitty.

ASHLEY: I don’t know how you do this new one.

TRAVIS: Breathing in and out.

LIAM: That’s inward singing, man.

TRAVIS: It is inward singing.

LIAM: And then I’m fucking singing, and then–

MATT: Actually, it’s funny, a bunch of my NPCs that I’ve done since high school have ended up turning into characters I’ve booked. I’ll go into an audition and be like, “I’ll go ahead and do Nutibe Curios, from my Second campaign,” and I’ll end up doing that character. Alof in Pillars is a character I NPCed back in high school.

LIAM: That’s awesome.

TALIESIN: They still haven’t heard my favorite voice from this campaign yet. 'Cause we haven’t gone back to the city yet.

MATT: Oh, Gilmore?

LIAM: Gilmore is a wonderful magician who owns a shop.

ORION: Was that the fancy–

LIAM: Yes, in the city of Eman, he’s got a big friggin’ crush on me, and wants me. Wants me and some day you and I will actualize that.

MATT: We’ll have to roleplay that.

LIAM: Maybe in a game. Maybe not.

TRAVIS: What do we think is taking over the hive mind?

MATT: What do you guys think is taking over the hive mind?

MARISHA: Well we know it’s named–

ORION: Obviously some butthole.

ASHLEY: I think I might have an idea.

TRAVIS: Yeah, you had a vision that we don’t even know about yet, right?


TRAVIS: Taking those mushrooms, having those visions.

ASHLEY: Taking those mushrooms.

LIAM: Someone asked how do game devs find us for acting work? We all audition, hundreds of people audition, for every role in Los Angeles, we all just try. Today I worked on a superhero game, and the guy who was directing me for voiceover said, “Hey, so what are you doing for the rest of the day?” And I said, well, I’m gonna go to the gym, I’m gonna do this, then I’m gonna go do that, do you know about that D&D show that a couple of us are doing? And he’s like, “Yeah, I heard about that.” And the guy who had written the game went, “Yeah, I’ve watched every episode.”

(all laugh)

MATT: So awesome.

TALIESIN: That’s so cool.

ASHLEY: Someone wants to hear Gilmore’s voice.

TALIESIN: I think we should save that for, wait until they actually meet Gilmore.

TRAVIS: Yeah, we can’t give it away.

MATT: Gilmore’s a fun one.

ASHLEY: Gilmore’s awesome.

MATT: Gilmore is very Broadway. He’s very–

TALIESIN: Not the gargoyle.

MATT: No, no. I could see him being a character in a John Waters film.

TALIESIN: Oh my God, yeah.

ASHLEY: Totally.

LIAM: Give him a pencil-thin mustache.

MATT: Yeah.

TALIESIN: I’m trying to catch up.

TRAVIS: Greater overall motivations?

MATT: That may or may not be secret, depending on the characters.

MARISHA: What is each person’s favorite D&D monster?

TRAVIS: A dead one.

LIAM: I liked it when Grog got it on with a, what was it, a nymph?


MATT: Yeah!

TRAVIS: You don’t know man, I went through the portal, handled my business like a champ.

LIAM: In the air.

TRAVIS: I don’t kiss and tell. Nobody knows. I got what we were supposed to get.

LIAM: A nymph could have attacked us, but Grog looked her in the eye, and she liked what she saw. Then he disappeared for a little while, and he came back and he was in a really good mood.

TRAVIS: I flashed her the look, man. She was mine, what can I say?

TALIESIN: I like the little green gelatinous cubes. I think they’re fun, and then if you make 'em right, you can just make 'em out of jello, and eat them when you’re done, that’s awesome.

MATT: I don’t wanna answer that question necessarily, because I might be using them in the campaign at some point.

ORION: Which one?

MATT: Nothing.

ASHLEY: So that means we haven’t used 'em yet.

MATT: But overall, I just love the tarrasque because it’s like the game ender. It’s the godzilla. It’s the one DM’s move where he’s like, “I’m done with this campaign, hey guys, you’re gonna fight a tarrasque, either you’re all gonna die, or you beat it, and you beat the game!” So the tarrassque is always fun.

ORION: Is it the final boss?

LIAM: I’ve always been fascinated with the mind flayers. You’re fucking throwing an army of them at us. 'Cause they’re dangerous.

MATT: Yeah, they’re terrible.

LIAM: And they’re so outside of the norm.

MATT: And hey you stealthed up, and pretty much killed one in one round today.

ORION: That was insane. When the mud on the face, and the stab in the fucking back of the head.

MATT: You guys black ops'ed that entire barracks.

LIAM: I’m proud of the knife.

TALIESIN: I know what you’re talking about.

TRAVIS: Grog and Scanlan have no bastard children, that we know of. Or that you can prove.

LIAM: Other streamed D&D games, like Rollplay hosted by itmejp?


LIAM: No. Maybe we will, though.

ORION: I won’t.

LIAM: Everyone play Dungeons & Dragons.

ASHLEY: My favorite NPC character is a little butler who I think became–


ASHLEY: He’s the cutest little thing you will ever see, and I think now he works at–

TALIESIN: He works for us now.

MATT: Yep, you guys hired him, and he’s currently helping keep your Keep in good shape.

ASHLEY: What’s his name?

ORION: The old fellow, right?

MATT: I’m trying to remember, I’ll have to go look at the list again. I have so many NPCs, I have a hard time.

ASHLEY: He’s just the sweetest little thing you ever did see.

MATT: Grog’s flatlined intelligence, anything like that happen before? That was the first of that type of situation.

TRAVIS: I went unconscious once 'cause I fell, how far did I fall?

TALIESIN: Wow, you fell.

ORION: Oh, that was a crazy one too.

MATT: They were there fighting in an underground cavern, and at the very, very top of this giant, like 170-foot ceiling, which they had all kinda floated up to, and put a rope, anchor in.

TRAVIS: I was ready to Toro the bull.

MATT: The first umber hulk you guys ever encountered, ended up pushing Grog out of the hole, bullrushing him. Had the rope tied around his waist, but unfortunately Grog weighs about 600 pounds, rope snapped, and he took enough damage to go from full health to unconscious and bleeding out in one round.

MARISHA: 'Cause he confused you, right? And you just hari-karied off the hole?

TRAVIS: I was gonna dodge and be all awesome, and say ole or some shit, but I was just out.

MARISHA: That was when I was a spider tiger. 'Cause I cast Spider Climb on myself, and I was in tiger form, so I was spider climbing all over the place.

MATT: That’s also one of my favorite risky rolls, which was after that happened, Tiberius, you pushed the umber hulk onto the ground, or through the hole, it fell.

ORION: I had this amazing spell with Pathfinder called Aquasphere, orb, and you can like, capture large creatures. I literally can waterbend a sphere and carry this dude and drop them down, it was amazing, I miss it so much. Continue the story.

MATT: So essentially Tiberius decided, 'cause Grog was unconscious, and the creature was down there. All of them were stuck 170 feet up, in this little hive essentially. Tiberius said fuck it, he jumped out of the hole, swan dove down, and cast Featherfall on himself at the last minute, had to make a concentration check because of the wind rushing past, and having to cast a spell while falling. It’s a very difficult thing. He had about a 40% chance of success, 60% chance of instant death, and he made the roll. I love risky moments like that so much, I love 'em.

TRAVIS: It was pretty legit.

ORION: I did it again and held that fucker, it was intense.

MARISHA: I’m wondering when we’re gonna face a beholder.

MATT: That’ll be nasty.

MARISHA: That’s my favorite D&D monster.

ORION: With all the eyes?

MARISHA: They’re like a big floating head with a giant eye, and they’ve got tentacles, with eyes on the end of 'em, and each eyeball does a different ray of effect.

TRAVIS: A beholder?

MATT: Nasty.

TRAVIS: You know what that is too?

LIAM: Yeah.

MARISHA: They’re nasty.

ASHLEY: Bad news bears.

MARISHA: They’re super awesome. One of these days we’re gonna fight one.

MATT: One of these days.

LIAM: They’re a signature character of Dungeons & Dragons. They represent D&D.

TRAVIS: What made the dwarves get bigger today in the battle?

MATT: That’s actually an ability of the duergar.

LIAM: Viagra.

MATT: Yeah. They can summon through sheer force of will, and just the way they’ve been bred over time, they can increase their form for a short time to increase their damage, and be just a general asshole, so. It’s an ability the duergar have.

TRAVIS: Long lost son.

LIAM: I’m gonna guess that none of us have been to Sweden?

MATT: I have.

ASHLEY: My dad was from Sweden.

MATT: That’s awesome. I’ve been to Gothenberg.

TALIESIN: That’s not surprising.

ORION: I have not, but I would like to go.

MARISHA: Yeah, who wouldn’t want to go to Sweden?

LIAM: Makes sense. Pale and blonde.

MATT: Have you been?

ASHLEY: Never been.

MATT: It’s beautiful, I spent two weeks in Gothenberg, Sweden, on business years ago. It was gorgeous. Food was amazing. Nothing like walking down the street and seeing a giant gothic stone structure with an archway and a gargoyle perched, and you walk in and it’s a 7-Eleven. It’s pretty hilarious. All the architecture there is old, but it’s been repurposed, it’s great.

LIAM: If you had to choose would you pick to receive an extra level, or Matt’s hair?

MATT: God damn it.

LIAM: Matt’s hair.

(all laugh)

ASHLEY: Hair, obviously.

MARISHA: Receive an extra level or Matt’s hair.

TRAVIS: You can’t get hair like this without unicorn blood. My God.

MATT: I’m gonna shave my head one of these days.

LIAM: Shave his head, he can’t DM anymore.

MATT: I’d wither. It’s like Sampson. I would just like become this little raisin, I’d be David Tennant.

LIAM: The beholder strikes for the– mawp. Mawp.

MATT: Let’s see. What are the questions we got up there?

MARISHA: It is 11:38, by the way.

LIAM: What is the most outrageous and unexpected thing to come from a natural 20? That was Scanlan.

ASHLEY: Probably the–

LIAM: Scanlan as Burt Reynolds.

MARISHA: Oh right.

MATT: We’ll take about five more minutes of questions. Five or ten more minutes of questions, then we gotta take off.

LIAM: How long will you be doing this show? 30 years.

MATT: Considering we’ve been playing for two and a half years, and everyone’s level nine, we can keep going for quite some time. Whether or not we continue past that, means either we do a new campaign, or we go into epic or mythic levels? We’ll cross that bridge when we get to it. I mean, I’d love to keep playing for as long as people wanna play, but also people get busy, life changes, we’ll see how it goes. I’m in for the long haul as much as everyone else is.

LIAM: Matt, multiple people are asking what the music is that we’re hearing on the show.

MATT: What you hear in the show is a combination of a gentlemen named Kevin Macleod, who has a website called Incompetech, which he produces really amazing, royalty-free musical tracks. I’ve used them for many web series for many years. He’s very talented, and I contacted him, and asked him permission to use on the stream. He’s like, “Yeah, anything on Twitch, go for it.” And the other half are a lot of soundscapes I use from a company called Platemail Games, which make great custom RPG soundscapes, and some tracks that are just creepy, and dwarf cityscapes, and dark forest night. It’s a great, great resource. Those are my two big ones for this Twitch stream.

ORION: And yes, we did roll for our starting stats.

MATT: Yeah it was 4d6, drop the lowest, arrange as desired. So it was a powerful campaign.

LIAM: What was the most nail-biting moment the group has seen? It was Pike’s death.

MARISHA: Pike dying.

MATT: Definitely. Do you prefer being the DM, or do you like mixing it up and being characters? I never get a chance to play games really. It’s kind of one of those, always a DM, never a bride circumstance.

LIAM: You wanna play with my kid?

MATT: Yeah. I’ll be an evil character and murder them all, you’re going to regret it immediately, make 'em just cry.

LIAM: “Listen, that’s the game, suck it up!”

MATT: Yeah, turn it into Mazes and Monsters.

TALIESIN: Is that why you play so much War Machine, is because for once you don’t have to be responsible?

MATT: Probably. I occasionally, I got to play a game of Diaspora for a while, with Philip Eisner, the guy who wrote Event Horizon. So playing a sci-fi kind of horror-based universe with him running, that was great. That was very brief.

LIAM: Matt, can you give us any teasers of things to come?

MATT: No. See as they happen, man, that’s part of the fun, the mystery of it all. I know what’s coming. I got stuff planned for years. It’s gonna be fun.

LIAM: Do you have any advice to get into voice acting? Learn to act, study acting, go to where the work is, keep acting, in anything, in fucking anything. Go to where the work is. Act.

MATT: What age did you play your first tabletop RPG game? For me it was Second Edition Dungeons & Dragons, and it was freshman year of high school.

TALIESIN: GURPS, 13. I was, yeah, 13 years old, GURPS.

ASHLEY: Favorite tabletop games, not D&D?

LIAM: Get Hulk Hogan to play.

ORION: That’s not D&D?

TALIESIN: Mansions of Madness.

MARISHA: Mansions of Madness is great.

ORION: Is MTG, Magic the Gathering a tabletop? Is that considered tabletop?

MARISHA: It’s a card building game.

ORION: Magic.

MARISHA: War Machine.

MATT: War Machine is really fun.

MARISHA: I’m a Cryx player.

MATT: It’s awesome.

ASHLEY: I’m just starting.

MATT: You’re the awesome Retribution.

ORION: I’m Circle of Orboros.

TALIESIN: We played with Scanlan, of course we do.

TRAVIS: It said do you ever think about sexuality while playing, besides Grog, of course. Scanlan does, I’m sure other people have.

TALIESIN: It’s hard not to think about it with Sam.

TRAVIS: We just pay for it.

LIAM: Are we gonna release more background information of your campaign?

MATT: Yes, actually.

LIAM: We are?

MATT: Time has been hard, but I’m trudging through. What I’m gonna make essentially is a video recap of the previous two and a half years of the campaign. I’m gonna narrate it, it’s gonna be very simple. It’s gonna be just information, with the occasional slides of stuff in the background. But I’m working on a video, kind of like your guys’ intros, that’ll be a synopsis of the story up until this stream stared.

TRAVIS: Claymation, that’s awesome, man.

MATT: I will destroy you, I will fucking stab you.

LIAM: If you want, it’s not much, but I have a Vine account that’s under the name VoiceofOBrien, and I took a lot of Vine videos from our private game. So it’s not a ton, but you’ll see us acting like shitheads.

TRAVIS: That’s seven seconds at a time.

MARISHA: Seven seconds at a time, yeah. I think I still have the video of you trying to woo the nymph lady.


TALIESIN: That was a good video.

MARISHA: It’s basically just you flirting with my boyfriend.

TALIESIN: I have some videos of the tarot game, and a couple of us

TRAVIS: Matt is now a nymph.

MATT: Yeah, we sat there, and, hey man, I’ve had to flirt with quite a few of these people as characters, it’s interesting.

LIAM: Who’s your favorite NPC that you brought to life for us?

MATT: Oh, that’s a tough one. There’s been a lot of good ones. I really enjoyed Grimthorn, the dwarf that was–

LIAM: Clarota is pretty good.

MATT: Yeah, Clarota is great. He was the one eyed dwarf with the shave, that was taking you guys to the fighting ring. He was fun. I’m enjoying Balgus as well, he’s a good one.

MARISHA: Ballsack.

LIAM: Ballsack.

MARISHA: Do we have nicknames for all of our NPCs?

MATT: You know, I really enjoy Arcanist Allura Vysoren.

ORION: So do I!

MATT: She’s an awesome, powerful, headstrong elven sorceress, who is part of a, not a secret, but a very powerful circle of magic practitioners around the world, and also a member of the council of Tal'Dorei. She’s one of the largest allies that this group has had through a lot of the adventure arcs, and I love playing her, she’s great.

LIAM: Grog, have you even thrown a gnome as an attack.

TRAVIS: The very first time we played, I picked up Sam and chucked him across a room. That was full of a trap.

MARISHA: Fastball special.

TRAVIS: And it worked. It was awesome.

MATT: What character type would I play if I ever got a chance to play? I would probably be a bard. I wanna make a bard that actually conducts the battle. Meaning, sits there and watches the fight, and he’s conducting, like music happens when other people attack. Cymbals go off, and drum beats, and all of his abilities are tied to music, so he’s actually conducting the battle like a symphony. That’s what I wanna make.

MARISHA: That’s cool.

ASHLEY: That’s badass.

MATT: One day.

LIAM: Would you ever play an evil character? My contingency plan, if I get killed, I don’t know about evil, but he won’t be as nice as Vax.

MATT: Evil characters have to be discussed with the DM. I’m iffy on the evil character, unless they have a good reason, and a personality that isn’t going to completely derail the campaign. Doing an evil campaign, that’s fine. But if you’re building a character that is going to inherently be a troll, and basically diminish everybody else’s good time in the story, it becomes a problem.

ZAC: It’s the internet though, man.

MATT: I know. If you make a cool, interesting evil character, that can be evil but still like, like a good example would be in Baldur’s Gate, Edwin.

ZAC: What if one of your guests, that came on for one night, would they be allowed to be?

MATT: Yeah, they’d be allowed to. They may not survive.

ORION: Tiberius might not–

MARISHA: Or kill them.

LIAM: I don’t know about evil, but if I have to come back, I might be a lot more selfish.

MATT: In it cool news, tabletop columnist, offering to DM a game for me. I may have to hit you up on that some time. 'Cause that’d be awesome.

TALIESIN: He deserves a break.

ZAC: How do you remember all the voices that you’ve done of the NPC’s over the years?

MATT: I make notes and audio files.

TRAVIS: You do?

MATT: I do. As a reminder in case I forget.

TRAVIS: Jarvis.

(all laugh)

MATT: I have notes written next to every NPC, like an accent or dialect that I chose for them, a general texture. Kind of like what you’d see for breakdowns for a character you’re auditioning for. I basically make that for each NPC to remind me of what I’ve done. And if it’s a particularly weird voice that I don’t know if I could replicate in the future, after the session I’ll go and do a little audio file of me doing the voice so I can go back to it later.

TRAVIS: You’re a freak of nature, man.

TALIESIN: Seriously.

MATT: Good question.

MARISHA: There’s a lot that goes into it. I think Matt, just to put it into perspective, for everyone in the chat room, I think Matt probably spends close to eight hours, at least, on each time before we play. Or I guess at least we used to.

MATT: For our big session, I’d spend as much time preparing as we did playing. I’ll put it that way, I spend as much time preparing as we play. So for these sessions, I’m spending about three hours a week, preparing, what, three to four hours a week? For old sessions that was bigger.

LIAM: Someone asked, what was the reaction to discovering you had a magic flying carpet? Which you can see if you go to Matt’s YouTube channel. There’s a video that Ashley made of us playing, and you see our reactions to that.

MARISHA: Who was it, was it you, or Vex? That tried to float down with the carpet, and then we realized it was magic?

LIAM: Yeah, underneath.

MARISHA: But we tried to just use it like a parachute.

MATT: It was a crumbling tower, it was Allura’s tower. You guys went into, realized she was missing, because the tower had been attacked. You set off essentially a defense system of her arcane tower, which caused it to crumble into a tiny pearl.

ORION: Tiberius jumped out the window and just cast Featherfall.

MATT: Yeah, and just kinda glided away. You turned into an eagle and grabbed the gnomes. The rest of the party had to try to rapidly escape a crumbling tower that was compacting on to itself.

MARISHA: I think it was mainly the twins in the tower.

LIAM: Hey, Grog almost died once. He fell from a great–

MATT: You fall a lot, but when you fall on to something, that thing is fucked.

MATT: All right, we’re winding down here, 'cause we gotta leave here shortly guys. Two more questions.

LIAM: Three more questions.

ZAC: Closing messages before you guys go, too.

MATT: Oh yeah, all right, so we’ll do a couple more questions, then we’ll go to closing messages. Who wants to pick?

LIAM: Let’s make it a magic three.

MARISHA: Let’s do a good one.

MATT: Three, three questions, make 'em quick. Let’s see.

MARISHA: Waiting for a good one.

MATT: How much does Grog weigh? Grog weighs approximately 600 pound we decided.

TRAVIS: Just under 700.

MATT: So he’s kinda rough.

TRAVIS: It’s all muscle, bitch.

MATT: Yeah it is. Muscle and brains.

TRAVIS: Muscle and wang. 500 pounds and a hundred-pound wang.

MATT: Any of you consider running a game for fans of the stream? Actually, I’ve run a couple games at conventions for some groups. I had a couple of sessions I ran, actually in conjunction with Wizards, they sent stuff out for us.

TALIESIN: And for charity.

MATT: Yeah, we’ve had some charity D&D games out here in L.A. So we’ve done them before. I’d consider it if there was time available, and a venue that allowed it. So if it does happen, we’ll definitely announce it here.

TRAVIS: Best item in your inventory?

ORION: That’s for a magic item?

TRAVIS: Oh, did we already say that? I’m just blanking.


TALIESIN: It’s hard to read this quickly.

MATT: You guys have some good questions.

TRAVIS: My brain’s turning into applesauce.

ASHLEY: I know, me too.

LIAM: Do you realize how lucky you all are to have such a nice group of friends?

ALL: Yes.

MATT: Very much so.

TALIESIN: The world is cold and unfeeling.

LIAM: Let’s close it on that. I love these guys.

MATT: And I like to think that this is, because there are so many good people out there in the world, and we were lucky enough to find each other through weird circumstances. And there are so many good people in the world out there, don’t close yourself off to it. You’d be surprised how many awesome–

TRAVIS: How long does it usually take the woman in the back to tie her boot?

MARISHA: I’m multi-tasking.

MATT: No, that’s the question we end it on. That’s the question.

MARISHA: I’ve just been tightening my laces while I’ve been kicking it back here.

ZAC: I’m gonna squeeze in here really quick. So I have some thank you’s I wanna call out while you guys are here. I figured they’d appreciate me calling them out the most while you guys were on screen. 'Cause they like you guys for some reason.

ALL: Aw.

ZAC: So these are all people that have sent us stuff off Amazon, to help make the studio better. So Danielle Denny.

ASHLEY: Thanks Danielle!

MATT: Danielle, thank you so much Danielle.

ZAC: Bradley Dealman?

MARISHA: Dalman.

MATT: Bradley Dalman.

LIAM: Do we know what they sent us? Can you tell us some of the things they sent?

ZAC: I have, I– Well I mean they’re like– new microphones for that station and lights.

MARISHA: That’s amazing.

ZAC: Wii controllers.

MATT: Brad, thank you, that’s amazing.

ZAC: And other stuff for tech we needed that we didn’t have. Shane and Russell said thanks for all your hard work, and everything you are doing.

MATT: Aw. Thank you Shane!

ZAC: Ty Odlinger.


ZAC: Timothy B. Hudson.

ASHLEY: Timothy!

ZAC: Timothy B. Hudson, he went nuts.

MATT: Timothy!

TALIESIN: Triple threat.

ZAC: Kathel T. Stockdale.

ASHLEY: Cool name, Kathel.

ZAC: Yeah, that’s rad. Luis Archuletta.

MATT: Luis Archeletta!


ZAC: Steve Chua.

MATT: Steve!

ZAC: Here’s a little something to help you guys out. Another one from Chua, here’s a little something to help you guys out. And I know there’s more coming in, this is what we’ve got so far. Thanks everybody.

MATT: That’s so cool guys, thank you.

ZAC: And they also have asked that a couple of you guys come on Honesty Hour sometime.

LIAM: What is that?

ZAC: It’s a show I do on Monday nights, where it’s 100% no-holds-barred. I will answer any question that they ask.


ORION: I would love to do that.

TRAVIS: Sounds like a horrifying idea.

ZAC: Okay, they’ve asked specifically for Ashley, they’ve asked for Matt, and as for, actually I think everyone has been asked at one point in time. So I’ll say maybe I’ll have you guys once a month.

ASHLEY: When is Honesty Hour?

ZAC: It’s usually Monday nights from nine to, whenever the fuck. Like it went to 1:30AM the other night.

CREW: Isn’t it really an Honesty Time?

ZAC: Don’t do it! It’s only for subscribers. It’s not that bad, because they ask really great questions, a lot of them have been about how have you gotten through certain aspects of depression, or what kind of thing–

MARISHA: Oh that’s good.

ZAC: It’s pretty inspirational.

LIAM: How many times have you been hit in the nuts in your life?

ZAC: I can say twice. And would probably explained how it happened, and what I did. It’s just story time. Sometimes the questions get a little inappropriate.

MATT: That’s okay.

ZAC: That’s fine.

MATT: But like for the most part, the audience here’s been so awesome, they’re all super intelligent with great questions. I’d be down, I’d totally be down.

ASHLEY: Wait, is this Noncompliant?

ZAC: Yeah.

MATT: Oh, that’s awesome. Yeah, I got the Noncompliant tattoo this week, actually.

MARISHA: Oh yeah, I saw your picture.

ASHLEY: That’s amazing.

ZAC: We have a comic book show on Tuesday.

TRAVIS: (air-horn sound)

ZAC: Real talk with Zac. But thank you guys so much for doing this. The subscribers really wanted to do it, so hopefully you guys enjoyed as well. And we will come back next week.



ZAC: Tomorrow, if you guys are at Wonder Con, are any of you guys gonna be at Wonder Con?

TALIESIN: Saturday.

MARISHA: I don’t know, maybe.

ORION: I’ll be there Saturday.

MATT: I’m sadly not gonna be there.

ZAC: I will be there tomorrow from 12:30 to one, for a meet and greet, which I’m going to pretend is an autograph signing, and I’m going to bring my own pictures.

MATT: Yeah!

ZAC: We’re gonna have fun with it. Going in costume. Becca and I are going in costume, and then Hector and Ify will be at four. And then Hector and Ify are doing a Q and A, or no, a trivia game that night on the stage for Geek & Sundry and stuff like that. So Geek & Sundry will be there, you guys should stop by.

LIAM: Thanks for all those greater than three’s, guys.

MATT: Less than three’s.

TALIESIN: Greater than three, too.

ZAC: The computer, the story behind that, is during the charity drive, we had a robot read off all the donation messages. And the robot would say, and when they made a heart, it would say, “We less than three.”

MATT: So beautiful.

ZAC: So we turned that into a thing.

LIAM: (robot voice) We less than three you.

MATT: It fucks me up every time you do that.

ZAC: Cool. Thanks guys!

TALIESIN: Forgot you speak-and-spell.

ZAC: Thank you so much.


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