Stoke the Flames/Transcript

Pre-Show
MATT: Welcome everyone, to tonight’s episode of Critical Role, a special Halloween edition. My name is Matthew Mercer. I am the dungeon master for this show. This wonderful show, where a bunch of us crazy voice actors get together and roll dice as a bunch of nerdy DND players. So. Welcome. For all the newcomers, I am not normally dressed this insane. We’ll be revealing the rest of our cast here in just a moment. But yeah, before we get to that, I wanted to get through some quick announcements overall. Let’s see. First and foremost, for those who missed the announcement yesterday: unfortunately, Orion Acaba is no longer with Critical Role going forward. He has his own Twitch channel; he’s pushing forward on all of that. Please go and show him support. We wish him the best; much love to him. Just to clarify, too: there’s been a lot of speculation stuff like that this was a corporate thing, and people putting all the blame on Geek and Sundry. This was a joint decision between Critical Role and Geek and Sundry– all parties agreed. Please try and be respectful to everyone involved. Appreciate that. Other things going forward. We have our “How Do You Want To Do This?” shirt up on the website. We put that up last week and announced that, for those who are interested in getting that. Hopefully, they have restocked, because they were sold out really fast. Keep an eye on that and grab one if you’re interested. Let’s see. Also, today we had Vax'ildan’s song playlist on Spotify go live on the website. So you can go watch or listen to “Songs to Stab People To,” which is a pretty great little rendition there. Also, my interview went up today on the Geek and Sundry website, so you can go ahead and check out my talk and discussion and Q and A about the show and people involved and go read that and see if it tickles your fancy. [Geralt voice] I feel like I should be doing it like this for the rest of the night.

TRAVIS: Yes, you should!

MATT: Dungeon mastering down here for the remainder. It’s a good plan. Let’s see. Taliesin, you had an announcement?

TALIESIN: I did. Hi, sorry. For those of you on Twitter, you now know what I was just doing. Yes, I’m going to be at Oni Con. I’m flying to Oni Con in Galveston, Texas at 6:30 tomorrow morning. Yay.

MARISHA: Yay!

TALIESIN: Huzzah. So you can see me at Galveston, Texas between now and Sunday. I’ll be there. I’ll be rolling around. I’ll be a little jetlagged. It’ll be great.

MATT: All righty, good announcement. I like it, it’s a good announcement. Let’s see, next up: Liam, you wanted to mention something?

LIAM: Yes, I have two announcements. One, Sam and I have returned to the podcasting scene and released a new episode of All Work No Play. It’s been an eight-month hiatus, so that’s out; you find that on iTunes and elsewhere, but even bigger than that, I wanted to announce the show’s partnership with Wyrmwood Gaming. We are now all using gorgeous custom-made Wyrmwood boxes with character names etched in and all that. They’re gorgeous. And if anyone heads over to wyrmwoodgaming.com and uses the coupon code CritRole, then you will get a discount on any purchases you make there from here into perpetuity– that’s not true at all. As long as we’re having a good time with Wyrmwood. So thank you, Wyrmwood, for the boxes, and everybody please go check them out.

LAURA: What was the code again?

LIAM: CritRole. I want to lick mine and make love to it all night long.

MATT: I recommend waiting until after the stream.

MARISHA: Yeah. Which one did you get, Liam?

LIAM: This is the darkest ebony they have.

LAURA: They have all kinds of wood. It’s really freaking cool.

MARISHA: This is the rosewood?

TRAVIS: I got the unicorn walnut wood.

MATT: Yeah, you did. You’re a unicorn.

TRAVIS: I’m getting crumbs in my bosom?

LAURA: Yeah, you are, actually.

LIAM: It’s all good.

TRAVIS: Like cookies in bed.

TALIESIN: I do know Sam got Purpleheart. Since he’s not here, we can show it.

TRAVIS: He’s here. He’s just getting ready.

MARISHA: Purpleheart.

MATT: Looks fantastic.

TRAVIS: Chicken heart.

MARISHA: Chicken heart.

MATT: Oh man. That costume, Travis. I think I mentioned it before– I’m pretty sure in one of my games we’ve had a time. (laughs)

TRAVIS: Do I get advantage all night?

MATT: No.

LAURA: Do we all get to see what we’re dressed as?

MARISHA: Yeah, trade me seats for a second, Liam.

LAURA: Get out of here, Dread.

LIAM: I’ll take this.

MATT: There you go. So ladies?

LAURA: This is Rat Queens.

MARISHA: We’re Rat Queens. I’m Violet.

LAURA: I’m Hannah. You should check it out. It’s an awesome comic book.

MARISHA: You should.

LIAM: You’ve got to swear.

LAURA: Huh? Oh, I’m conjuring up a little fuck you.

MARISHA: And what does Violet say? We’re going to put the kick-ass back in team. Something like that?

LAURA: It’s pretty great.

MARISHA: Rat Queens. It’s great. Yeah!

MATT: Travis, what are you dressed as?

TRAVIS: I’m Helga the angry tavern wench, and I only love one man: Scanlan.

MATT: (laughs) That’s fantastic. Other side of the table, let’s see.

MARISHA: Oh, look who just showed up.

MATT: Who are you dressed as, Sam?

SAM: I’m either a porn actor or Burt Reynolds. I can’t smile.

(laughter)

SAM: It’s Smokey and the Bandit. I can’t get him to stay.

MATT: That’s okay, we’ll find some duct tape for you.

SAM: My costume is awesome.

MATT: Awesome, it is awesome. Yeah, your monkey’s been a little rough.

LAURA: Oh my god, I’m so sweaty.

ZAC: Our mustaches need to take a picture with each other.

TRAVIS: Oh that is some ‘stache love.

MATT: Oh, that’s amazing.

TRAVIS: Dirty, dirty ‘stache love.

MATT: All right, Taliesin.

TALIESIN: I am Quentin Quire, Kid Omega of the X-Men, for those of you who read way too much X-Men, so this is my throw-together, because he has a mohawk and so few people do.

LAURA: But we skipped over my brother.

MATT: Yes, indeed, because he vanished.

LIAM: I’m the Dread Pirate Roberts, and I will most likely kill you in the morning– or myself, because this is actually very sharp.

TRAVIS: Do you have a comment about my perfect breasts and the shortage of them? Oh no! Careful, they are expensive.

MATT: Put that right there. Be careful, or there’s actually stabbing in real life as opposed to just the game today. That’ll be fun.

LIAM: Liam doesn’t know how to use knives or swords at all.

MATT: He’ll learn in time.

MATT: I’m dressed as Geralt of Rivia from the Witcher Series. Witcher 3, specifically, for this set of armor and outfit.

LIAM: How about that costume, ladies and gentlemen?

MARISHA: He made all of that, by the way.

LIAM: He’s a full-size action figure.

SAM: He made that?

ALL: Yeah.

SAM: What are you talking about?

MATT: I have a problem. Well, the problem is being a huge fan of the Witcher series for a long time. But yeah, that’s our crazy Halloween-ness. We’ll kick back here in just a minute to start the game and see what the wonders and dangers of Whitestone bring to Vox Machina. See you in just a second.

LAURA: We’re all going to die when we’re goofy looking.

Part I
[dramatic music]

MATT: Welcome back. So to get you guys up to speed with the current situation, in our currently non-air conditioned studio– great day for this to coincide. Vox Machina had an encounter with two individuals known as the Briarwoods, Lord and Lady Briarwood, who currently control Whitestone, the city that Percival– Taliesin’s character– once lived in, his family once essentially ruled, before they were usurped and most of them murdered by the Briarwoods. So upon meeting them, a vengeance urge kicked up within Percival. The rest of the party following him to Whitestone to attempt to free the city from the clutches of the very seemingly evil and in some cases undead Briarwoods, as the Lord Briarwood appears to be vampiric in nature. After arriving, they had some stealth missions, they went around and discovered a fair warning on the Sun Tree, one of the central items of Whitestone, a relic of Pelor from long ago that the city was built around, now dead and holding a series of bodies hung from it, all dressed and painted to look like the members of Vox Machina. While they were there, they managed to find and hole up in an abandoned tavern. Closing the windows off, and after doing a little bit of digging, spoke to the head of the Lady’s Chamber, the temple to Erathis to which Percival and most of the team seems to be interested in starting a rebellion in Whitestone. They planted the seed there to return to germinate at some point. And then began to follow a couple of individuals, or at least an individual that was partially responsible for the really honestly shitty social atmosphere in Whitestone. Following him back to a home, it was discovered that Sir Kerrion, one of the individuals responsible for the death of Percival’s family, was still part of the ruling class here. The party then snuck in through the bottom of the building, stealthed into a full surprise ambush upon him and his compatriots. Murdered most of them. They took his toady, essentially, Vouk, and instead of murdering him, tore out his tongue and then burned the de Rolo family crest into his forehead–

LIAM: You say they. Not quite how I remember it.

TALIESIN: The way you’re putting that is a lot worse than actually–

MATT: I know, but it’s fun to push it that way.

TALIESIN: I feel this is a little one-sided.

MATT: But yeah, with his tongue removed and the symbol burned into his forehead, he was thrown out the window, and the party then escaped into the night rain, returning to their tavern, and that was where we left off. So. As you guys come in from the soaking-wet rain that seemed to have been now pouring continuously through the city of Whitestone, you come to the quiet of your tavern, the sun beginning to find its way, setting across the evening sky. What would you like to do?

LIAM: I’m having a real hard time roleplaying right now.

MATT: I don’t know what you mean. What are you doing Vax? Come on.

LAURA: It’s actually really difficult to play a character when you’re dressed as a different character, not going to lie.

MATT: Well, we’re going to learn!

LAURA: We’re going to learn how to do it.

MARISHA: You wanna roleplay as the character you’re dressed as. Yeah, it’s hard. Don’t do that.

TRAVIS: I don’t know, I feel as groggy as ever.

MATT: I don’t think Scanlan’s going to have a problem tonight.

SAM: Nope, this is how I imagine myself to be.

LIAM: I am not going to look at that table at all tonight. All auditory for you three. Sorry.

LAURA: So we are– wait, I forget.

MATT: You guys just now returned to the tavern.

LAURA: We’re in the tavern. It’s nighttime now?

MATT: It’s starting to push later into the evening, now you guys have returned to the tavern.

SAM: And as we returned to the tavern, did we see hustle and bustle of people rising up in rebellion, by any chance?

MATT: Not yet.

MARISHA: Overnight rebellion!

MATT: It’s been fairly fresh since you even started the word of it.

TRAVIS: We were very discreet and discreetly putting the Dust of Tracelessness on the ground.

MATT: Yes, you were, and you’re finding your way through, there doesn’t appear to be anyone following. Plus there was a large distraction with Sir Kerrion’s homestead being lit on fire. The rain taking care of most of it, but it drew people out of their homes to see this giant blazing symbol of the de Rolo family burning across the rooftop. So a message was definitely left and probably received by somebody, and what are your plans?

TRAVIS: One down, how many left? How many are there left?

MARISHA: Four? Four.

TALIESIN: Four.

TRAVIS: There are five total? Whoa, I did math.

MARISHA: There are six barrels. One is empty.

SAM: Do you think the other two are– the barrel names: so two are Sylas and Delilah.

TALIESIN: Yes.

SAM: And we know that one of the other two barrel names resides in that place that we found. The countess, what was her name? The doctor?

TALIESIN: Doctor Ripley.

SAM: And what’s the fourth name?

TALIESIN: Professor Anders.

LAURA: Are we really going to talk about names right now and not about the giant creepy smoke monster that came out of you, Percy?

LIAM: I think we need to find a place to lay low. Not here, not where we’ve been. Somewhere else. I think we need to scope out another place.

LAURA: I don’t think it’s safe to leave tonight.

SAM: I agree with Vex that we can’t leave tonight. The streets are going to be crawling with guards and people looking for us.

MARISHA: Are we back in our hole where we were?

MATT: You’re back in the tavern where you guys were.

LAURA: It might be smart to be down in the cellar tonight, not up.

TALIESIN: I agree.

SAM: Is there any sort of way you can close us in and make it look like it’s a single-story dwelling?

MARISHA: Yeah.

LIAM: Yeah, we’ll go down to the tree and we’ll make it look like no one’s ever tunneled down there before.

MARISHA: Yeah, I mean we can literally camp next to the roots of the tree if we want to. I made it look nice in there.

LAURA: Okay.

MARISHA: I can clear out a bit more space.

LAURA: Burt, your mustache is falling off.

SAM: It is?

LIAM: (giggles) You know the situation is very dire, I don’t know why I’m laughing, it’s a nervous habit. I’m sorry.

MARISHA: Speaking of nervous habits.

SAM: One of us has a nervous habit of ejecting smoke from his rib cage.

MARISHA: I was also thinking about the weird cough that you have. I don’t think you’re getting sick. What’s going on? Oh, and we’ve tunneled, right? We’re below the ground.

MATT: You guys have made your way to the inn, if you all wanted to go down and to the tree–

MARISHA: Let’s go down into the cellar. I’m going to go ahead and throw up some walls.

TRAVIS: Walls, or the false ground?

MARISHA: I can do the false terrain–

LAURA: Yeah, do that.

MARISHA: I’ll do Hallucinatory Terrain, and I will make it look like she said. One story, no cellar.

MATT: Okay.

SAM: So the opening to the cellar will be just a dirt floor.

MARISHA: Just wooden floor, yeah.

MATT: All right.

MARISHA: No one’s here, looks like it hasn’t been touched.

MATT: Okay.

TALIESIN: Those eyes make you look far more sarcastic than you normally do.

MATT: Do they?

TALIESIN: (shouting) Argh, god!

(laughter)

LAURA: And he doesn’t even smile at all.

TRAVIS: Jeez, you’re the worst.

LIAM: So Percival, spill your guts. What the fuck is going on?

TALIESIN: I don’t entirely know. Where to begin?

LIAM: You didn’t look surprised when that happened.

MARISHA: No, in fact, you pulled down your mask, which you don’t normally do in battles.

TALIESIN: It felt– it didn’t feel like a surprise. I don’t know. It didn’t feel good. I was hoping it would.

LAURA: You didn’t seem to mind it as it was happening.

TALIESIN: I think I wanted him to recognize me.

MARISHA: Who?

TALIESIN: Kerrion. I don’t know. I was hoping it would feel better.

MARISHA: Could you feel it happening while it was? Were you conscious? Do you remember what you did?

LIAM: What the fuck is it? What is it, Percival? What is it?

TALIESIN: A few years ago, I had a dream. I had a very intense dream, and in this dream, something asked me if I wanted revenge. If I wanted the means to have revenge. And all I would have to do in return is offer up the souls of those I took.

LAURA: (flatly) Oh, that’s all.

SAM: Wait, what?

TALIESIN: It was a dream! It was just a dream.

SAM: And yet you’ve fashioned your entire life’s goal upon this dream.

TALIESIN: I woke up in the morning with an idea, and I built that idea. I thought it was prophetic, and lately I’ve been feeling a bit of strain, and recalling it, but it was just a dream!

SAM: So the day after this dream was when you first developed your Pepperbox?

TALIESIN: It’s not the first time I felt inspired in my life. I just– it wasn’t real.

MARISHA: And Percy, how long after the coup and after you lost your family was this dream?

TALIESIN: (sighs) Maybe a year. I was fuzzy at first; I wasn’t really me anymore. I was a fisherman for a while. I didn’t do anything. This was something to do with myself; this was something to work towards.

LIAM: Well, we’re clearly not talking about a dream anymore. We all saw it. Do you have any theories?

TALIESIN: I don’t. I don’t know. I’ve never thought about it. It didn’t matter.

LIAM: It matters now.

TALIESIN: I don’t know what to do.

LAURA: Who is the last bullet for?

TALIESIN: (sighs)

LAURA: We don’t want to lose you, Percy.

TALIESIN: When I started this, I talked to a man, at one point. He was the captain of one of the vessels I was on. I told him what I intended to do, and I showed him what I was building. And he said that if I really wanted revenge, if revenge was what I was after, that there would be no stopping it. And there would be casualties along the way, and I would have to give up things, and I would have to hurt people. And that was the price, so that last barrel is because it’s not just five names; I know I’m going to have to keep hurting people and that this thing existing is just going to keep hurting people. It’s the knowledge that it never ends. It’s because I haven’t just killed five people. I’ve killed a lot of people on my way here. I’ve killed them with you. And it’s to remind me that this is what I’ve chosen.

LIAM: I don’t understand. We’ve killed with reason.

TALIESIN: And I have tried to. And I certainly have reason for these five names. They are not good people. These are not people who should be allowed to live.

LIAM: None of us debate that the Briarwoods and their circle should be allowed to go on. We all understand what they’re capable of. We all understand that they need to be removed. But what we just saw goes beyond, and you’re telling us that this is going to continue after the Briarwoods and their like are gone. What are we to look forward to, Percival? Where are we going?

TALIESIN: I was hoping that once I’d finished serving revenge that perhaps I could serve repentance.

MARISHA: You’re speaking of these as if they’re metaphysical beings. You’re serving revenge. That sounds very literal, and from what I’ve seen, isn’t inaccurate.

TALIESIN: I no longer feel in control. I no longer trust myself. I wouldn’t expect you to trust me.

LIAM: Stretching a little thin right now, Percy.

TALIESIN: But I trust you.

SAM: Can I just do a quick insight to see if he’s being entirely honest?

MATT: You may.

SAM: Well, that didn’t work. Much better. 18.

MATT: 18. Go ahead and roll a dice, Percival.

TALIESIN: Dice plus what?

MATT: Actually, I’ll roll it for you. What’s your bonus?

TALIESIN: For which?

MATT: For both persuasion and deception.

TALIESIN: Persuasion and deception? Persuasion, six. Deception, two.

MATT: Okay. He seems very earnest, very broken. Confused, but driven, and there isn’t any part of his voice that seems to conceal or attempt to hold back any information.

TRAVIS: Are you afraid you’re going to hurt us?

TALIESIN: No. I’m afraid I’m going to disappoint you.

MARISHA: How would you disappoint us?

TALIESIN: I trust that you are all here in the service of justice and maybe friendship. But I’m not. I’m here for revenge. And as much as I would like to believe otherwise, I know that’s not true. And I think I need people here who are not here for revenge. I don’t know how to stop this.

MARISHA: Just because you started on this path for revenge doesn’t mean you can’t find other motivations along the way. Do you believe you’re not doing this with your friends or for your friends? Not even a little bit; it’s only a hundred percent revenge?

TALIESIN: No one does anything purely for one reason. And I could justify it, but I’d be lying. I want to hurt them. I want them to know it’s me. I want them to feel remorse for what they have done. I want them to pay, and if this thing is real, if this is really what is happening now, I hope that wherever they go, they suffer forever and beyond.

TRAVIS: I think that sounds fair.

TALIESIN: And I’m so grateful there is justice to be found in it, but it is not justice that I am motivated by. And I couldn’t pretend it would be. I am so grateful there is justice in this. But even if there wasn’t, I would still be here.

LIAM: I want to talk about a plan, because our desires are in lockstep up to a point. Once we have gotten rid of the last of them, I want to know what happens then, Percival.

TALIESIN: I’ve never had to think of this before. I think if we get out of this, either I’m going to need you to save me or finish me.

LAURA: No, we won’t do that.

TALIESIN: If it comes to it.

LAURA: Damn it, where is Pike?! She would know about this.

TRAVIS: She would.

MARISHA: I miss Pike.

TALIESIN: Well, I do want to save this city.

LAURA: Can we do any kind of religion check to see if we know anything about this kind of entity?

MATT: Yeah, go ahead and make a religion check.

TRAVIS: Three.

MATT: Suiting.

MARISHA: (laughs) Suiting.

LAURA: 17.

MATT: I mean, there are all sorts of extraplanar entities throughout the realms that have their own individual descriptions.

MARISHA: Whenever he starts a description with “I mean,” it’s not good.

MATT: You don’t have a whole lot of experience outside of the realm of mortals. You’ve had a few interactions with things that skew beyond that realm. While you get that he’s saying it may just be a dream, you know that there are multitudes of creatures that thrive on these types of bargains. You do know that many of these bargains in the long run do not end up being wholly in the person’s favor who struck it.

TRAVIS: Well, look. It’s going to help him on his quest, get revenge and kill all the people that killed his family, right? So can we do that, and then if it gets out of control, we bop him on the head and take him to a temple?

LAURA: I think that’s the best plan we have, actually.

TRAVIS: I mean, you were really awesome in that last fight.

LAURA: You did look pretty amazing, I’m not going to lie.

TRAVIS: A little bit of pee came out. It was that good.

LAURA: But I don’t like how dark it went, Percy. It went really dark.

LIAM: And here’s the thing. There’s a thing. There it is, right there. Here’s the thing.

TALIESIN: Oh god, I hadn’t even noticed. So sorry.

LIAM: Your chances of succeeding here alone are pretty fucking slim. And if you want us all to work with you, you can’t go from door to door, bringing wrath and ruin the way you just did, or you won’t have our assistance. Not all of us.

SAM: Now now, Vax, what are you talking about? We all knew what we were doing when we– pay attention to me! I’m trying to be serious here. Don’t you turn your eyes away from me. Look at me when I’m talking to you. We all knew what we were doing when we went into the house. It was an assassination mission. I don’t understand why everyone’s harping on how dark it got. We knew we were there to kill everyone in the whole place.

LIAM: This is a city oppressed. These people did not invite it upon themselves.

LAURA: That guy deserved it, but we did rip his tongue out, which I think was a bit harsh.

TRAVIS: He said take his tongue.

LIAM: These people don’t want to exchange one warlord for another. We need to maybe dial it back a tick or two.

SAM: No, I disagree.

TRAVIS: I do, too, Pedostache.

SAM: We have to make a strong appearance. This is shock and awe. We’re not going to win over the people by half measures and hey, let’s hold an election, or something. We have to kill everyone in as dramatic a fashion as possible.

LAURA: This is beheading a pony all over again.

LIAM: You think we’re going to win them over by showing them how disgusting we are?

SAM: No, how disgusting they are, and how disgusting they die.

LIAM: No. I mean the civilians here.

LAURA: We’re not going to kill civilians!

LIAM: Of course, but we’re trying to win them over, and if we’re showing that we’re ripping out their tongues and pulling their ears off and flaying their balls, they’re going to be just as scared of us as they are of the Briarwoods.

LAURA: They’ll probably be pretty happy that the people that have been hurting them are being punished.

MARISHA: Yes, they’ve been oppressed, but we’ve also seen there’s plenty of cases of people being charmed by them. We might have an army of people who will die for the Briarwoods at any cost and not even realizing they’re being charmed that way.

SAM: I wouldn’t mind a few people being scared of us, too.

TALIESIN: I will say it did get out of hand. And if I had known then what I know now, I would hope that you would restrain me in those moments where I seem to be going further than I should.

LAURA: Done.

TRAVIS: Are you saying for your final bullet, you want us to stop you?

LAURA: No, he’s saying that if he goes dark, if he goes against his person that we know–

TALIESIN: Knock me out and take me to a temple.

TRAVIS: You don’t want to scratch the name off the barrel?

TALIESIN: I didn’t know it was going to disappear, to be fair. I thought that maybe I could stop what was happening to me. I panicked.

MARISHA: Percy, do you realize we tried to talk to you for a good 15 minutes after all that last night, and you were unreachable? Do you remember that? So us saying if you start getting out of control, and you think that we’re going to be able to be like, yo Percy, calm it down a bit–

LAURA: We’re not going to do that. We’re going to knock him the fuck out!

TALIESIN: Yes.

LAURA: Don’t worry, Percy. We’ve got you.

SAM: I don’t think I would knock him out.

TRAVIS: I’ll knock you out if you really want me to.

TALIESIN: If I start to turn against you. If you think for a moment that I am out of control. Please, please, do what is necessary. The moment that I turn on any of you, the moment that I even threaten any of you is a moment I am not in control. No matter what is happening.

TRAVIS: Yeah. Okay.

LAURA: I walk up and I kiss him on the cheek, and I say: Don’t you worry, we’ve got you.

TALIESIN: Especially with the cough, thank you.

LAURA: I don’t believe you’re really sick, darling.

SAM: Vex, I’ve heard a cough like that, and it’s probably syphilis.

LAURA: Lovely. Thank you, Scanlan.

TALIESIN: I barely sl– I don’t, I–

SAM: Personal experience, that’s all I’m saying.

TRAVIS: Shall we rest and then we go find another house?

MARISHA: Well, maybe we should, now that we have the knock-Percy-out-in-case-of-emergency plan, should we have a revolution plan? Because we seem to be divided on that.

TALIESIN: There’s still two more lords in the city. And there is the castle. They know we’re here now.

SAM: It might behoove us to spend a day or two finding another shelter, and also seeing what our actions have resulted in, and seeing if we can’t sway some opinion in our favor, because we’re strong, but we’re also pretty weak these days, and I wouldn’t want to go against the big guns yet until we have the people behind us. Or at least possibly turn one of those giants to our side or something. We need some help.

LAURA: We have a map of the city, yes? I think it best to stay off the streets. Is it possible, Keyleth, to tunnel through the city, underneath it?

TALIESIN: Good idea.

MARISHA: I can, actually. Yeah.

SAM: Can’t really talk to people that way.

LAURA: No, but they know we’re here. It’s not safe. We can come up in secret, leave symbols to rally the people, and hide again.

MARISHA: You want to get a beat on the vibe of what people are saying out there?

SAM: Hey, hep cat, yes. I’m wanting to get a beat on the vibe. Yes, I think we need to hear what people are saying. In the privacy of their homes, maybe. Do some snooping.

MARISHA: Well, there’s a few people in our party who are good at that.

SAM: And we need to find another potential safehouse.

MARISHA: Okay, that’s plan number one, then. I think it’s not a bad idea that we spread this de Rolo family crest around.

TALIESIN: Have we been to the Alcove yet?

MATT: You went to the Alcove– no, you have not been to the Alcove.

TALIESIN: We haven’t been to the Alcove or the barracks yet. The barracks are right against the castle, though.

MATT: Correct. You went to the Lady’s Chamber and you spoke briefly with Keeper Yennen.

TALIESIN: Yeah, with Keeper Yennen.

TRAVIS: Yeah, let’s go to the barracks.

MATT: And you went to Beyond the Horizon, which was abandoned and partially collapsed.

TALIESIN: The barracks will be our last stop, I believe. Just because it’s outside the city proper and it’s up the hill. We might be able to stay at the Alcove, which is a magic shop that used to be in town. I know the proprietor, or I did, if he’s still alive.

TRAVIS: Yeah, let’s go there.

MARISHA: Magic shop? Okay.

TALIESIN: It was a magic shop, right?

MATT: Yeah, it’s an arcane boutique, yes.

TALIESIN: An arcane boutique.

MARISHA: Are we tunneling there?

LAURA: Are we going there now? Are we resting?

SAM: We should rest.

MARISHA: It’s nighttime!

MATT: Right now, I would say, based on preparation, the illusion-casting, conversation, you’re looking at about 9:00, 9:30 in the evening.

TALIESIN: We could get an early start once the light hits.

SAM: If you fall asleep, is that illusion going to vanish?

MARISHA: No, I think Hallucinatory Terrain lasts for–

LAURA: Can I sense anything near us? Can I sense vampires above us?

MATT: So you’re looking for undead?

LAURA: Undead.

MATT: Okay. You feel a surrounding presence scattered throughout the city, some large, some small. You can gather over a period of time of concentration, you can feel the slow movement of the zombie giants moving through the city, the sentinels slowly tromping through, and a number of other undead entities there.

LAURA: Does it feel like there’s more in motion than there were before we set off the blaze?

MATT: I would say yes, there appears to be a little more haste and movement to what entities you can– and you can’t pinpoint specifics, but you do sense that there is a heightened state of movement, to what you’ve previously sensed.

LAURA: Okay.

LIAM: Yes I’ve a thought that at night, obviously, these streets are full of dead things. Tomorrow, the Briarwoods and the people that work for them are going to start pulling people out of their houses and telling them to look for us or anyone who’s not from this city, so I don’t think that the beggar routine is going to work for much longer.

LAURA: That’s why we stay under the city. That’s what I said.

LIAM: Of course, but if you want to talk to people, I think we could probably get away with poking about first thing in the morning and that’s it.

MARISHA: Okay.

LIAM: So we should probably get up early.

LAURA: All right.

SAM: And in addition to your excellent illusion spell–

MARISHA: Which lasts for 24 hours.

SAM: That’s wonderful to hear. Is there any other means of protection we have? I mean, if they are magic wielders, they might be able to sense our presence or something. Is there any way to obscure that? I guess I’m asking this, but I’m one of the only two magic wielders here, so I should know the answer.

MARISHA: I was going to say, it would be probably a me and you thing. In terms of making us not a noticeable, Seeming is probably going to be our closest thing. I don’t have anything–

SAM: It’s just a visual, though.

LAURA: Nothing like a bubble of protection or anything?

MARISHA: I’ve got my Antilife Shell.

LAURA: But they’re undead. Lovely. Well, first watch. Who’s taking it?

MARISHA: We can all get a good night’s sleep, I think, if I tunnel us in and we’ve got Hallucinatory Terrain.

LAURA: I still think we should keep watch.

TRAVIS: Percy’s got it, yeah. I’ll take second.

TALIESIN: All right.

MATT: So you’re all down at the bottom of the tunnel by the roots of the Sun Tree? And you have Hallucinatory Terrained the cellar?

MARISHA: Yeah.

LAURA: I hate that he’s asking for clarification.

MATT: What?

LAURA: Don’t 'what?’ me.

MATT: What’s the DC of your spell?

MARISHA: Of Hallucinatory Terrain?

MATT: Of all your spellcasting, what’s the DC?

MARISHA: It’s 17. No, 18. But I know they have to make an intelligence save to see through Hallucinatory Terrain.

MATT: Correct. If something were interested in doing so.

MARISHA: Exactly, hypothetically.

MATT: So who’s taking first watch?

TRAVIS: Percy.

SAM: I will watch with him.

MARISHA: Yeah, Percy can’t watch alone.

TALIESIN: No, that’s fine.

SAM: I’ll watch with him.

LIAM: I mean, I raised my hand before, but that’s all right. I’ll get some sleep.

MATT: Okay. It’s tight quarters. And you know, other than either a magical light or torch someone wants to put up, there is no light source. It is pitch black down here. What are you guys using as a light source, or are you leaving it pitch dark?

LAURA: Well, you can light your little flaming warhammer.

TRAVIS: Fine. I take the Flaming Warhammer, and I whisper the magic word, bacon. And it turns on fire.

LAURA: I’m pretty sure he just said bagel.

MARISHA: Bagel?

MATT: All righty. So, you guys take first watch, rest is till about 11PM or midnight or so. You guys finish. Who’s taking second watch? All right, we’ve got Grog and Vax. All right so, you guys–

LIAM: While Percival is sleeping, I pull Grog over and we look at him for a while, and I say, where do you think the smoke comes out of?

TRAVIS: Oh, that’s a good question.

LIAM: Do you think it’s the nostrils?

TRAVIS: No, it looked like it was coming from the bottom up, and there’s only two holes down there, so it’s either–

LIAM: Yeah, that’s right.

TRAVIS: Either the dirt button–

LIAM: It could just be his pores. You’re right, it’s probably–

TRAVIS: It’s probably the periscope. You’re right.

MATT: As you guys are having this conversation, the air down here, it’s damp earth. It’s chilled in the night, anyway, but it’s a little warmer because you’re under the ground, and it’s absorbed some of the heat of the day. But it is getting noticeably colder.

MARISHA: It’s getting colder?

MATT: Yeah, just as the evening progresses. The temperature at night here–

SAM: Colder than it did last night? Because it also got pretty cold last night.

MATT: Comparable, yeah. There’s a low mist begins to form within the tunnel from the temperature.

LIAM: I wake up my sister.

LAURA: What, what do you want?

LIAM: There’s fog or something. What’s going on?

TRAVIS: It’s just cold.

LAURA: Can we see if it’s magic?

MATT: Make an insight check.

LIAM: Do that thing again. You can tell when stuff’s around.

LAURA: Oh good, I rolled a one.

TRAVIS: Can I do a nature check to show them it’s just fucking fog?

MATT: Yeah, go ahead and roll.

TRAVIS: A 13.

MATT: Okay. You step forward and take a good long look at the fog that is slowly beginning to form at the base of the tunnel you guys are in. As you lean forward and take it in, the fog begins to form into a physical humanoid essence and reach out for you. For the three that are conscious, roll initiative.

SAM: Oh god!

LAURA: Shit. It’s a teeny tiny tunnel.

MARISHA: It’s another damn ghost wraith thing ghosting in.

MATT: All right.

SAM: So what if the Sun Tree is like–

LAURA: The source of the bad?

SAM: Yeah.

LAURA: It’s possible it is.

MARISHA: That’s kind of funny.

(laughter)

LAURA: What if the Briarwoods are right under the Sun Tree, and we’re right above them?

TRAVIS: What if they didn’t hang the bodies, the tree just grabbed people?

MATT: So Grog back in the fog, Vex is waking up the back, Trinket asleep next to her. Percy, Scanlan.

TALIESIN: Actually, can you move the Wyrmwood box, because all I’m–

LIAM: Yes, Wyrmwood Gaming, check them out. Beautiful boxes.

MATT: Indeed, all right. This will go there for now.

LAURA: You look really good, Matt.

MATT: I can’t move in this. Great. All right, so. Get some initiatives on this. For Grog?

TRAVIS: 17.

MATT: 17, all righty. Okay, Laura?

LAURA: Oh, 22.

MATT: 22, all right, and?

LIAM: 18.

MATT: 18. Good to know.

SAM: Are we spooning?

TALIESIN: We’re sporking.

SAM: Oh, we are?

MARISHA: You guys might be sporking.

MATT: So Vex, Grog, then you rolled a what?

LIAM: 18.

MATT: Oh, sorry, Vax. Vex, you rolled a–

LAURA: 22.

MATT: 22, right, Grog you were a–

TRAVIS: 17.

MATT: 17, okay. So Grog, this is technically a surprise round on you, then we’ll get back to you guys on top of the initiative. You can see now, the mist has formed into a pale humanoid, with two more now that have rolled in. These pale-looking, intensely feral human beings with elongated fangs emerge from this mist and immediately lunge out towards you.

LAURA: Are they vampires?

MARISHA: Can they do that?

LAURA: They can. They’re fucking vampires.

SAM: No, they can only become bats. I read about this.

LIAM: (sings) Let’s do this.

MATT: So, first and foremost, the one that lunges out at Grog is going to shift to the side there. Is going to make a claw attack against you. That is a 20 to hit?

TRAVIS: That hits.

MATT: That hits. All right, you take eight points of slashing damage– or no, you do not, actually. Instead, it is going to attempt to grapple you. Not attempt, it grapples you. So it reaches out and grasps on to some of the hide armor you have tied around your shoulder, pulls you in, and is going to attempt to sink its teeth into your actual body.

LAURA: Don’t forget that we all have our amazing metal around our neck that Scanlan got us.

MATT: That’s true.

(laughter)

LIAM: You’re so intimidating in that costume.

MATT: Good. That is a 17 versus armor class.

TRAVIS: That misses.

MATT: Okay, so it attempts to bite into you, you move out of the way just in time, and that little bit of chain mail, that practically useless piece of chainmail wrapped around your giant thick neck does manage to catch its fangs and deflect the attack initially.

LIAM and LAURA: Hey!

SAM: What, that piece of metal thing? Hey, I made that. I call it a Scanlan. I call everything a Scanlan.

MATT: This one is going to swoop in as you are now currently grappled by the other one. It’s going to attempt to grab you on the other side. That is a 21 to hit, so it’s going to grapple you. And this one is also going to now reach up with its claws to pull down the chain mail, grasps you there. Since it’s a surprise round, natural 20. All right, so you take five points of piercing damage, and–

SAM: And you’re a vampire.

MATT: And 11 points of necrotic, and your maximum hit points are reduced by 11.

TRAVIS: Okay, really?

LAURA: Oh no, we haven’t had another feast yet.

SAM: Oh, and the feast is gone too, isn’t it?

MARISHA: Yeah.

MATT: So this third one over here is going to attempt to come after you, Vax, closest to it. That is a 24 to hit.

LIAM: Well, that hits, but I’m going to use Uncanny Dodge.

MATT: Okay, to reduce the damage?

LIAM: Yeah, by half.

MATT: That’s 2d4 slashing against you. Ten points of slashing damage.

LIAM: Is the half?

MATT: Yes, it’s going to try to claw you again. That’s a 12.

LIAM: Nope.

MATT: Yeah, so the first one slashes across the side of your shoulder, but you manage to pull out of the way just in time to lessen the impact. This, however, sets you up for the easily dodged second blow. You swoop out of the way just barely in time, feeling the wind (whoosh) above your head. That ends their turn. Now we’re at the top of the initiative order: surprise round. This would not have been enough noise to wake you guys yet, so you’re going to hold on until somebody can get your attention. Top of the round will be Vex.

LAURA: I’m going to say: Wake the fuck up! And I am going to– can I hide? Is that what I do as my bonus?

MATT: You have nowhere to hide in this room, unfortunately.

LAURA: Even if it’s super-duper dark?

MATT: You get the idea that these creatures probably aren’t largely affected by the dark.

LAURA: That makes perfect sense. I’m going to Hunter’s Mark the one that looks the strongest.

MATT: Okay. The one that’s most visible to you would probably be this one going after your brother. You mark that one.

LAURA: I am now going to attack him with my blazing bow.

MATT: All righty, go for it.

LAURA: All right. Natural 20!

TRAVIS: Nice! Wyrmwood Box.

TALIESIN: Breaking in the new box.

LAURA: That’s right.

LIAM: (sings) It’s my dice in a box.

MARISHA and TALIESIN: Dice in a box, yeah.

LAURA: I add all of my dice together and then I double it, and then I add the modifier? Okay. And I Hunter’s Marked him, yeah.

MATT: Yes, you did.

LAURA: 31.

MATT: 31 definitely hits.

LAURA: That’s 31 damage.

MATT: Oh, 31 damage. (laughs) Okay. All righty.

LAURA: The second one was a three. It was a 14 to hit.

MATT: No, unfortunately it dodges out of the way. Its reflexes are very quick.

LIAM: Be honest, the karma will come back to you.

MATT: Right, so as you pull back, you release, and with a flash of burning energy, your arrow ignites mid-transit. It blasts and bursts into the vampiric creature, who hisses at you (snarls) through the dark. The second arrow, however, it’s completely ready for and actually manages to swipe it out of the air with its clawed hand. Okay, that ends your turn. Next up is Vax.

LIAM: All right, there is one vampire right in front of me, right? The one who hurt me.

MATT: Correct.

LIAM: But I’m looking past his head at the one next to Grog, the one that’s got a blade down there on the map. No, the other one. Yeah, I think I’ve got a pretty good shot at him. I’m going to ignore the vampire in front of me and since Grog is right up against that guy, I’m going to sneak attack him and go (daggers flying) Oh no, first I’m going to go click with my heels, and then I’m going to (daggers flying).

MARISHA: Click, click. Dagger, dagger, dagger.

MATT: Dagger, dagger, dagger! What you got?

LIAM: It’s all right. It’s a 19. The second is a 28. And the third is a 21.

MATT: Yep.

LIAM: All three hit?

MATT: Yeah, the first one was?

LIAM: I don’t remember.

TALIESIN: 18.

MATT: 18. Yeah. They all hit; not a problem.

LIAM: Okay, so the first one is the sneak attack, and that one gets– oh, I should be using the Wyrmwood box. Eight plus 12, 15, 18, 25. 25 for the first one. And for the second dagger that sinks into his head, that is eight. And for the third one that sinks into his fanged fucking face, that is nine.

MATT: All righty. Cool, so you click your Boots of Haste. You feel the influx of adrenaline hit your body, the magical push. You take the daggers and (daggers flying) the vampire in front of you tries to swipe out of your hands, but you’re too fast; you’ve already released all three before he even gets to your wrist and pull back, grinning at it. All three daggers (dagger impacts) repeatedly, hitting nearly the same point like an amazing throwing of darts. Just smack, smack, smack into the center of the chest of the vampire across the way. It’s distracted by Grog; it doesn’t see them coming until it is too late, and it screeches out in pain (screeching) towards you. The eyes help on this, huh? A nice and sizable chunk of damage. All righty, that ends your turn, unless you want to try to move?

LIAM: Yeah, actually I’m going to– no. nope. I’m good.

MATT: All right. Grog, you’re up.

TRAVIS: I would like to rage.

(laughter)

MATT: Please do.

TRAVIS: And I would like to take my Firebrand Warhammer and pound that shit to the left of me twice in the head with my fiery hammer.

MATT: All righty, go for it.

TRAVIS: Oh, yeah. That is a 15.

MATT: 15 just barely hits.

TRAVIS: And that’s a one.

LIAM: It’s so hard to roleplay tonight.

TRAVIS: It’s so difficult.

MARISHA: I’m Jimmy Falloning so hard over here.

MATT: Yeah, you are. (chuckles)

TRAVIS: 16.

MATT: 16 on the first one. All right. That guy on the left, the one that just got three daggers to its chest. As the dagger vanishes from its wound, it looks over at you, at your already big grin, mid-swing (wham). The warhammer blasts into its chest, a burst of fire wreathing around its torso for a second. It gets pushed up against the wall. This time, you go to swing with all your might on your second blow, trying to smash it up against the earth that you guys have carved this tunnel out of. It ducks out of the way in split-second timing, and your hammer gets wedged into the side of the wall. Go ahead and make an athletics check.

LIAM: Pull that shit out.

TRAVIS: Shit. Nine.

MATT: Nine. It’s pretty well wedged in there right now.

LIAM: Next weapon.

MATT: All right, so. Now this one’s going to shift over this way towards you, Percy. As you’re on the ground prone still, just coming to consciousness. He just (snarls) and lunges out towards you. This one’s going to move here, placing in that position, this one’s going to stay there. All right, so the one rolling against you, Grog. It still has you– no, the one that had you grappled walked away towards Percy. The other one’s going to attempt to grapple you. That was 18?

TRAVIS: Misses.

MATT: Misses. You slap aside with your hand as you still try to pull the warhammer out of the wall, and then it gets clotheslined by the grip you have on it. It’s going to try to strike you with its claws for the second attack. That’s a ten. Yeah, no.

TRAVIS: Misses.

MATT: You (swish) out of its way, laughing in its face. The one against you, Percy, where you’re on the ground prone. Oh okay, that’ll be an 18?

TALIESIN: I’m an 18.

MATT: It grabs you by the front of your shit and lifts you up with that hissing sound. Yeah, that’ll be a 25. It pulls you in and sinks its fangs into the side of your throat. You can feel yourself gasp out in pain as the cold sensation pulses through your body, the actual life’s blood being drained from you. Okay, you take four points of piercing damage, and you take eight points of necrotic damage, and your maximum hit points are reduced by eight.

TRAVIS: I forgot I have advantage on strength checks when I’m raging.

MATT: Roll again.

TRAVIS: A one.

LAURA: Wow, really?

TALIESIN: It’s as if the gods defy you.

MATT: So you’re now grappled and held there. It’s pulling the blood out of your throat, you’re caught off guard and completely just confused, frightened, and in serious pain at this moment. All right, and the one that’s Hunter’s Marked, that’s against you. It’s going to attempt to grab you. That’s a 20?

LIAM: Yeah, that works.

MATT: Okay, no damage. It’s just going to grab you. And it goes in to attempt to go through your throat. You being prepared for this, having been subjected to this once before, you bring a dagger up towards its face and it just barely manages to pull out of the way before you thrust it up through the bottom of its neck. You manage to deflect the attack. All right, the people who just woke up, roll initiative, please.

SAM: Initiative?

MATT: Which, for the record Scanlan, as a fan mentioned to me this last week, your jack-of-all-trades ability as a bard that gives you plus two to all things you’re not proficient in also adds to your initiative, technically. So you have a plus two to your initiative. I’ve had this brought up multiple times, if it’s not true.

SAM: I know it’s been brought up to me. I thought it was a hypothetical. Is it true?

MATT: It’s been clarified by a couple of publications that have been sent to me when I questioned it.

LIAM: What is the bonus for that hat?

MATT: We’ll consider that hat the plus two bonus.

SAM: (chuckles) So I get a plus two. I rolled a 20 initiative, then.

MATT: Oh snap. Scanlan next to Vax. Nice.

MARISHA: 12.

MATT: 12. All right, Percy?

TALIESIN: 22.

MATT: Wow.

TALIESIN: I have really good initiative.

MATT: All right, so we are now at the top of the round. This puts us to Vex and Percy going simultaneously.

TALIESIN: I’ll go first. I’m going to try and break grapple, obviously, since that’s what I have to do.

LAURA: Can I aid him by shooting him at the same time as he is trying to break the grapple?

MATT: You know what? Yes, go ahead and roll your first attack.

LIAM: Go for the ear. It’s a one.

TRAVIS: You have the sage, still?

TALIESIN: It’s still at home.

LAURA: It’s been a lot of ones today, man.

MARISHA: It’s only our first hour.

MATT: Yeah, all right. So unfortunately, the first arrow– there is too much movement to the bodies. It doesn’t strike true, so you do not have advantage on this check. Acrobatics or athletics, your choice.

TALIESIN: Acrobatics!

MATT: All righty.

LIAM: Let’s be clear, that was the shitty plastic die, not the Wyrmwood Box.

TALIESIN: 28!

MATT: 28. You manage to break the grapple.

TALIESIN: So that’s my action, but if I now spend an action surge, I can get an action?

MATT: You can, yes.

TALIESIN: Do I get three attacks with the sword I just picked up? Since I’m too close to use my gun right now?

MATT: Technically, yeah.

TALIESIN: I’m going to draw the rapier that I just picked and start stabbing at the terrible thing, all the while screaming. (screams)

MATT: All right, go for it.

(laughter)

LAURA: Is your little butt flap down? Are you in the long johns?

TALIESIN: The butt flap of my soul is down. I’m well-dressed at the moment.

MATT: It’s a plus-one rapier. But your archery you took, I think was your combat?

TALIESIN: Yes, so I get a negative two to attack.

MATT: Correct, to what you normally get. So you have a overall plus one.

TALIESIN: So I get a plus one to attack, on top of my–

MATT: No, sorry. Minus one is the total from what you get for your pistols, for your Pepperbox.

TALIESIN: Minus one, not minus two. Got it.

MATT: The magical rapier offsets that a bit.

TALIESIN: That’s 25.

MATT: 25 hits.

TALIESIN: That’s a one. Misses.

MATT: Go ahead and roll a third time.

TALIESIN: And that’s a 14.

MATT: Okay, so the first strike sinks true. That’s 1d8 plus what’s your strength modifier? Well, no it would be dex.

TALIESIN: Dex, thank you! So that’s 1d8 plus dex.

MATT: Plus one damage on top of that because it’s a plus-one weapon.

TALIESIN: That’s a nine.

MATT: Nine damage. All right. So your first swing, the speed of your ability to break this grapple and then immediately pull this weapon and jam it forward. It pierces part of the body and pull out, the creature all of a sudden reaches over and grabs its side instinctually. You go for two more strikes; however, being the first time in a long time that you’ve ever held a rapier and still with your other hand holding your throat in severe pain, it flings forward twice. The second time, the creature actually grabs it and pulls you in towards it.

TALIESIN: (yells)

MARISHA: What?

MATT: So yeah. You’re now considered re-grappled.

TALIESIN: (yells)

MATT: So you can take another attack.

LAURA: I’ll do my second arrow and try to hit him again because I don’t like that I missed.

TRAVIS: Fucking hit him this time, will you?

LAURA: I know, right? Don’t suck so hard, me.

LIAM: Come on, don’t do that again. You’re my sister.

LAURA: That’s better. That definitely hits. It was an 18 plus–

MATT: Oh, 18 plus stuff? Yeah. Go ahead and roll damage. This is against the one that’s on Percy, still, or the one that’s against your brother?

LAURA: I said it was the one against Percy, even though the other one is Hunter’s Marked.

TALIESIN: Don’t sound so upset about it.

LAURA: Well, I’m just saying.

MATT: Too late.

LAURA: Yes! 16.

MATT: 16, all right. This arrow, however, does manage to sink into its side. It protrudes about four inches from its body; it’s pretty deep into its torso, breaking a couple of ribs, but you see the creature, being the undead nature of its physicality, it’s not looking too great, but it’s not at the end of its rope right now. All right, that ends that. Scanlan, you’re up.

SAM: Okay, so there’s three of these things?

MATT: There are three of them, yes.

SAM: Okay, I’m going to use my movement– can I see them all?

MATT: You can currently, yes.

SAM: I’ll use my movement, because I just woke up, to pee. Because I just woke up, I’ve got to pee.

TRAVIS: Do you have morning–

SAM: It’s midnight wood.

TRAVIS: Okay, so it’s probably going to go everywhere.

LIAM: You’re acting like you’re botoxed.

SAM: I can’t move my lips.

MATT: So Scanlan, you use your movement to pee.

SAM: While I’m peeing, I whip out my Wand of Magic Missiles and I point it, and I use four of the slots for it to shoot… four times three is 12 missiles.

MATT: Can you do that?

SAM: Each slot is one Magic Missile spell, which is three missiles.

MATT: I don’t know if you can use multiple slots on a turn, can you?

SAM: It says so on the wand. “For one charge, you cast the 1st-level spell. You can increase the spell slot level for each additional charge you spend.” So I’m going to use four of them.

TRAVIS: Like a battleship.

MARISHA: Like a level-4 magic missile.

SAM: Which is 4d4 plus four for each one that I hit.

TALIESIN: Like a Rhinestone cowboy.

LIAM: It’s the mustache.

TRAVIS, TALIESIN, and MARISHA: (sing) Rhinestone cowboy.

LAURA: Burt Reynolds should play with us more often.

TRAVIS: He has the best old man laugh right now.

SAM: This guy is the brains of the operation.

LIAM: Let me break the fourth wall just for a second to say that this game is totally fucked.

MATT: It creates an additional dart per spell level, so it’s initially three, and it’s three levels higher, it gets to six.

SAM: Oh, so it doesn’t increase it three darts per level. It’s one. So if I do a level four, I get two darts for each fucker.

MATT: Essentially, yeah. I’d be 6d4 plus six.

SAM: 6d4 plus six. Okay, so 2d4 plus two for each guy. I’ll do that.

MATT: And they hit automatically. There is no roll for it.

SAM: Great. And it can’t hit my friends or anything, right? I mean, they’re Magic Missiles.

MATT: No, they unerringly hit. They’re like homing arcane projectiles.

SAM: Do I have to roll this six times or just two?

MATT: Six times. I know.

SAM: So, three plus two for the first guy.

MATT: Okay, so five against him.

SAM: Ten for the second guy.

MATT: All righty.

SAM: And seven for the third guy.

MATT: All righty. So as you get up–

SAM: By the way, I’m holding my dick with one hand and the wand with the other. I’m dual wielding.

MARISHA: Dual wielding! Are you proficient in that?

MATT: I think Scanlan is pretty proficient in this. I’m just saying. All right, so.

SAM: And they’re both spraying everywhere.

MATT: Happy Halloween!

TRAVIS: Are you writing your name with your left hand?

MATT: Okay, so. As you sign your signature on the ground, you also burst forth with a series of arcane bolts that streak across the room, slamming into the sides of each of these vampires. They all look towards you as a reaction to the pain, and their heads all turn curiously as to what they see. Not what they were expecting.

SAM: Don’t worry, I won’t wash my hands.

(laughter)

MATT: All right, that’s your movement and your action. I think that’s your turn, right?

SAM: Do I get a bonus?

MATT: If you want to use one, yeah.

SAM: Sure, so I’ll inspire Grog. (sings) I need Grog to rage and get us through this semi-fucked kind of fight, baby, baby.

(laughter)

TRAVIS: Wow, way back.

SAM: (sings) Kill-kill-kill kill-kill-kill-kill!

ALL: (sing) Kill-kill-kill kill-kill-kill-kill!

(laughter)

MATT: All right. Take your d10 inspiration die, Grog. Oh man, I get a d10 inspiration for that.

LIAM: Oh, that’s so Ravenloft.

(laughter)

TALIESIN: Wow!

MATT: Good night, everybody! And we’re done.

SAM: Take the inspiration back.

MATT: All right. Vax, you’re up.

LIAM: No, I’m not. I’m going to hold for a turn.

LAURA: Are you really?

MATT: All right, Vax is now going after Grog. Right. Grog, you’re up.

TRAVIS: I want to hammer in the morning, and I want to pull my hammer out of the wall.

MATT: Okay, you can use one of your attacks to. Go ahead and make an athletics check.

TRAVIS: Yay, that’s better. That’s a 28.

MATT: Yeah you (sucking noise) pull your hammer out without an issue. You’re embarrassed at the fact that it was even embedded in what is essentially hard earth, and you still couldn’t pull it free. But now it’s blazing with flames; it’s tight in your grasp. What are you going to follow it up with?

TRAVIS: Can I use the great weapon master on these attacks, and I’ll use reckless attack for advantage on them, and anybody that attacks me gets advantage, as well?

MATT: Okay. Yes, you can.

TRAVIS: Thank god. 21.

MATT: 21 hits.

TRAVIS: Beautiful, and the second one. That’s landed on the side. That’s 24.

MATT: Yep, both hit. Go ahead and roll damage plus ten to each.

TRAVIS: (sings) Yeah, nipples.

MATT: To which one, the one that’s next to Percy or the one that’s in front of you here?

TRAVIS: The one that’s next to me!

MATT: All righty.

TRAVIS: 14 and 15, so 25 for the first one.

MATT: All right.

TRAVIS: (sings) Stanky.

(giggling)

SAM: Did you just say stanky?

LAURA: Yeah, he did.

LIAM: There is no difference between our old home game and this.

SAM: Except we don’t have air conditioning.

TRAVIS: 29.

MATT: 29 damage, jeez. So, the one that’s harassing you. Chuckling at the fact that you’ve currently been unable to really prove your might as a goliath in front of these individuals, you grin as you pull it back and (wham) slam it directly in the face of it. It rears back, (growls) confused for a second. You can see a crack in its jaw and blood beginning to trickle down its jaw. You pull back and slam it a second time, this time with a resounding crack sound, as part of its jaw is dislodged and set to the side, its tongue dangling out, and dark black blood begins to pour from the center of its mouth as it looks to you with absolute fear. That was pretty rough.

TRAVIS: Yeah!

MATT: All righty, you want to do anything with your movement?

TRAVIS: Nope.

MATT: All right.

TRAVIS: Actually, I’ll put my back against the wall.

MATT: This one?

TRAVIS: Yes. To open it up in case somebody wants to take a shot at him.

MATT: Okay. It will get an attack of opportunity on you. Are you cool with that?

TRAVIS: Yes.

MATT: All right. With advantage because reckless attack. That is a 22.

TRAVIS: That hits.

MATT: All right. You are raging, so you take ten points, so now five points of slashing damage.

TRAVIS: Okay.

MATT: All righty. That brings us to Vax. Now it is your turn.

LIAM: Right, yeah, I’m good now. So the vampire is still in front of me, right? I give him a look like, yeah, go fuck yourself, and then I keep throwing at the other guy who’s with Grog still, right?

MATT: No, Grog moved away.

LIAM: All right, then I’ll handle the guy up front. I’m going to go for his guts. I’m going to go low. One, two, three right in his guts. First attack. Hit, way hits; that’s a 30. And the second attack is a 24, and the third attack is a 17.

MATT: All right. So those all hit.

LIAM: Okay, they do. That’s 11 for the first and eight for the second and eight for the third. Right in his vampire guts.

MATT: (dagger impacts) You jam the dagger into its torso. It’s trying to stop and slap the hands away, but you’re too fast and the final hit, you push it up, and you’re right in its face again; you can see its fangs still wet with the blood that it pulled from your throat, and you grin at it back as you withdraw the dagger with much force and anger.

LIAM: And the last thing I say is, vampires ain’t shit.

(laughter)

MATT: Getting that on a jacket now. Vampires ain’t shit. All right, cool. That ends your turn, unless you want to move or do anything else?

LIAM: Nah.

MATT: All right. Now it’s their turn. You notice, by the way: this round, specifically, as they’re looking a little more wounded, their flesh begins to slowly reform. The wounds they’ve taken begin to seal up and the pouring of blood begins to slowly turn into a trickle.

LIAM: So what? So does Scanlan’s mustache.

MATT: It’s true.

SAM: I would smile right now if I could.

(laughter)

TALIESIN: I want to tickle you. See what happens.

MATT: All righty. This one’s going to move up to here.

MARISHA: Did I just get seriously boned in initiative? Am I still sleeping?

MATT: Yeah, you’re last. I mean, you’ll be getting up this turn.

MARISHA: I’m still asleep, guys.

MATT: Well, you’re awake. You woke up, you’re just prone.

MARISHA: Well, I’m real groggy.

MATT: Real Grog-gy. Sorry, I’m so sorry.

TALIESIN: It’s never going to stop being funny.

SAM: You’re so attractive tonight for some reason. Have we been together?

TRAVIS: What? Oh, you and I have been together. Did you see?

SAM: Look at that.

TRAVIS: I carved that in with a pen, myself, after our night together. Where have you been my whole life?

MATT: It’s canon.

(laughter)

LIAM: This is our least serious episode ever. We cannot wear costumes but once a year.

MATT: Yeah. Only time that it works.

SAM: And Purim, also.

TALIESIN: There will be a pajama night for Christmas.

ALL: Yeah.

MATT: Speaking of which. Percy, it’s your turn. Oh, I’m sorry, it’s their turn on you. There’s two of them now, ganging up on you. Natural 20.

MARISHA: How many’s left? Three?

LIAM: They’re all still here. They’re taking hits.

MATT: That’s a 20 and a 15.

TALIESIN: The 20 hits. The 15 does not.

MATT: All right. Well, you take 14 points of slashing damage from the claw. The second attack, it attempts to slash you a second time. You manage to dodge out of the way, putting your back up against the wall to barely avoid its grasp. However, the second one lunges towards you, attempting to grab you. That is a 19?

TALIESIN: 19 hits.

MATT: 19 hits. No damage, but now it’s grabbed you and shoved you up against the wall. It takes one hand and jams it up under your chin to push your head up and goes for your throat. Rolls a one. As it goes to bite your throat, you pull Pepperbox up and jam it into its mouth. It (choking). It has to pull back from the attack, and you can see now this vampire saliva is all over the barrel of the gun, and it may have chipped a tooth. All right, that finishes their turn. Keyleth, you’re up.

MARISHA: Whoa!

SAM: Not a dream.

MARISHA: Okay, I thought it was for a second.

LIAM: Real vampires.

MARISHA: Okay! What’s the situation with the vampires? That’s all of them clustered there?

MATT: There’s two of them right there on Percy. They have him grabbed and shoved against the wall. There’s one over here that’s battling back and forth with Vax.

MARISHA: Vax? Where is Percy?

TALIESIN: Against the wall.

MARISHA: You’re against the wall. I get up. Can I reach around Scanlan, doing another reach around–

SAM: You’re doing a reach-around? Okay. My dick is out.

MARISHA: And I see as I reach around. I’m like, aw, really? And I’m blasting–

SAM: Little privacy, please?

MARISHA: I’m blasting a Sunbeam.

MATT: At which one?

MARISHA: Those two. It’s a line. Are they in a line?

MATT: You’re probably going to have to move to get them both in a line.

MARISHA: Can I shift to where I can?

MATT: You can move there to do it, yes.

MARISHA: That’s what I want to do.

MATT: Okay, so you slide alongside Scanlan–

MARISHA: And I yell to the party: Shield your eyes!

SAM: I instinctively cover my penis.

(laughter)

LIAM: Oh my goodness.

SAM: It’s more important than my eyes.

TRAVIS: Take my eyes, not my penis.

LIAM: It’s the third one.

MATT: Yeah, no, you were technically in melee with this guy, but there is no attack roll, so you don’t have disadvantage, which is good.

MARISHA: Awesome.

MATT: All right, so.

MARISHA: I roll a bunch of d6s?

MATT: Well, yeah, go ahead and do that. Each creature has to make a constitution saving throw.

MARISHA: How many d6s do I roll?

MATT: It’s 6d8 radiant damage, and they have disadvantage on the saving throw because they are undead. So the first one– that is a 14, nope. Second one, no. Third one– no, rolled a one. All right, so all of them take full damage.

MARISHA: Full damage. Okay, so that is 15, 19. Not bad. 21 plus 12, so that’s 33 radiant damage, and they are blinded.

SAM: What? Is that true?

MATT: Okay, well. (chuckles)

SAM: (singing) Let the sun shine, let the sunshine in.

MATT: So both of these vampires currently have Percy pinned up against the wall. One of them is trying to bite his throat, and Percy’s trying to keep it at bay with his weapons. Keyleth, you step forward–

MARISHA: Where I can also not look at Scanlan’s penis.

MATT: Right, you feel the inspiration, based on the presence of the Sun Tree, and what previously you were attempting to try and repair it with. Using that, you close your eyes and a burst of sunlight energy cascades forth, slamming into both the vampires and barely missing Percy in the process. Both of them look over out of the corner of their eye as they see the flash of light. They both scream out (screeches) as the blast shoots through both of them. Both of them immediately turn to ash and are strewn against the far wall.

TRAVIS: Whoa! Damn!

SAM: That was so cool.

MARISHA: That was cool.

SAM: Zip.

TRAVIS: Bonus action.

MARISHA: So there is one alive?

MATT: There is one alive, yes, that’s right next to you.

MARISHA: And he’s on Vax?

MATT: Currently, yes.

MARISHA: Okay, I see that. I turn and I see him, and I’m gonna take a Grasping Vine and wrap around it and yank him, trying to beat him up against the wall on the other side.

MATT: This side here?

MARISHA: Yep.

MATT: Okay, is it a bonus action for Grasping Vine?

MARISHA: Yes, it is.

MATT: What’s the roll for that? I’m looking for the roll for Grasping Vine real fast.

MARISHA: I conjure a vine– I think it just happens.

MATT: Dexterity saving throw. With the DC, it’s 17.

MARISHA: Nope, 18.

MATT: 18. No, that gets it.

MATT: Damn, all right. So. It pulls it (impact sound) into the wall over that way, the vines now currently wrapped around its torso. It tries to pull itself free.

LAURA: We should probably use sunlight on them always, because don’t they turn into mist if we don’t kill them?

MARISHA: Yeah, I think so.

MATT: All right. That brings us to the top of the round. Vex and Percy, it’s your go.

LAURA: I don’t know, should we attack him or should we let–

TRAVIS: Stake.

LAURA: Oh yeah. I bust out one of the wooden daggers. I walk up and I try to stab it into his heart. In front of my brother.

MARISHA: Nice! Wood dagger!

MATT: All right, go ahead and roll for a melee attack.

LAURA: Okay, I still get two attacks, right?

MATT: Correct. And you’re using your dexterity as the bonus. Simple weapon, which you’re proficient with.

LAURA: 19?

MATT: That is a 19? Does hit, yes.

LAURA: Okay, then what do I do?

MATT: Roll for second attack.

LAURA: Probably no. 14.

MATT: 14 does not hit. All right, so go ahead and roll 1d4. Add your dex modifier.

LAURA: Nine?

MATT: All right, so you take the heavily-sharpened wooden dagger, essentially. You jam it into its chest. It screeches out in pain, the wooden stake itself partially destroyed in the process of jamming it in to do so much damage. It reaches up grabs it and breaks it off, and part of it still in its chest, goes (growling hiss). Hisses at you angrily.

LAURA: Wooden stakes don’t work! I back up a little bit.

SAM: You got some damage in, no? Yes?

That stake was well done. Yeah!

(laughter)

TRAVIS: That was so CSI Miami, man.

LIAM: Your mustache is almost down to your chin for a goatee.

SAM: Soon it will be creeping across my face.

MATT: All right, that ends your turn?

LAURA: I guess so.

MATT: Yeah, that was two attacks.

LAURA: Can I move away, since he’s grappled?

MATT: Well, he’s not currently grappled per se; he’s just held against the wall. You can still move away if you want. It’ll just take a swipe at you.

LAURA: I’m going to stay right there.

MATT: Okay. Trinket is cheering you on (bear noises) from the back wall.

LAURA: Thanks, Trinket.

MATT: Percy.

TALIESIN: Is it true that we can’t kill it except with sunlight?

LAURA: Sunlight and water.

MATT: You’re not entirely certain. You know that sunlight is very damaging to it, and from your research, you know that vampires of certain levels of power, as opposed to dying, turn into a mist form and attempt to retreat.

MARISHA: They misted in.

TALIESIN: I’m going to hack at his neck with my sword a couple of times.

MARISHA: I wrote all that stuff down.

TALIESIN: 28.

MATT: 28 hits.

TALIESIN: 22.

MATT: Hits.

TALIESIN: 22.

MATT: All right, all three hit.

TALIESIN: Ten points, 15 points.

MATT: All right.

TALIESIN: Ten points.

MATT: Ten points, got it. All right, so you slam the rapier three times into its body, leaving these large gaping wounds. It’s looking like it’s hurt, and its eyes are darting about, gauging its chances. That’ll be your turn, unless you wish to move.

TALIESIN: I’ll back away from it.

MATT: Okay, so you’re back there. As you back away, it sees the opportunity and reaches out with its claws towards you. That is a nine.

TALIESIN: That does not hit. I’m going to really quickly also do a second wind.

MATT: Okay.

LAURA: Should we ask it questions or something?

SAM: Does it talk?

TALIESIN: I think we should probably just kill it.

LAURA: Okay.

MATT: All right, that ends your turn, Percy. Scanlan, you’re up.

SAM: I’m up? I’m not ready. I guess I don’t need to see it. Can I see it?

MATT: Yeah, it’s right here. You’re right there.

SAM: Okay. Can I do this? I will just taunt it. I will use Vicious Mockery on it, and I’ll just say: What’s up? What’s up, toothy? Hey, bite me. That’s it. That’s all I do.

MATT: (chuckles) Okay.

SAM: It’s 3d4.

MATT: Yeah, it is. That was about 3d4 worth.

SAM: It’s all I got. I wasn’t ready.

TRAVIS: What’s up, toothy? Bite me.

SAM: I think it’s a wisdom.

MATT: There we go. Yeah, it’s a wisdom saving throw. No, it does not make it with a six.

LIAM: But his singing skill makes it very bassy and full.

MATT: So, you cast Vicious Mockery at 3rd level?

SAM: Because I’m a level 11.

MATT: It’s 3d4 damage. It does take it and it has disadvantage on its next attack roll.

SAM: Can I do it at an even higher level?

MATT: No, I was thinking of another spell. Go for it.

SAM: Four, two, two. Eight!

MATT: Eight points of damage. How do you want to do this?

(cheering)

SAM: That’s how I want to do it. I want to do some pelvic thrusting while I’m saying it: Bite me. Bite me hard. Bite me, motherfucker, bite me!

TALIESIN: Urine flying everywhere.

SAM: Oh shit, I forgot. Oh, there’s urine everywhere. My mustache is falling off; it’s terrible.

MATT: So as it’s trying to take its chances, it turns to go ahead and flee. Sees Grog, looks over and hears you going: “Hey, toothy!” Looks over back at you. One of the weaknesses of a vampire is running water. Technically, it needs to be a large amount of running water, but this creature is on death’s door and based on the fact that it is right on the edge of passing out, anyway, the bit of your–

TRAVIS: Constellation Urine.

MATT: Yes, streaks across the front of the vampire as it turns around. Grog just instinctually slams it with the hammer and smashes it into the ground. It’s hard to say which killed it, but you’re pretty sure it was you.

LAURA: Good job, Scanlan!

SAM: High five! (impact sound)

TRAVIS: Chest bump! (impact sound)

MATT: Which, for the record, as you high five him, there is a bit of spatter across your hand.

LAURA: Future reference, the fog is bad. Not totally natural.

LIAM: Oh, there is no gnome like our gnome. Oh my gods.

LAURA: Seriously, though, put your dick away.

SAM: I’m sorry. You’re right, I’m sorry. Please don’t judge me. It’s morning, it’s also unseasonably cold in here. That’s why it’s so small. Don’t judge me.

TRAVIS: So newsflash: the fog is bad. We probably need a new hideout.

LAURA: We probably gave away our location.

TRAVIS: Nope, no, we killed them all.

LIAM: He just rolled a die.

LAURA: We should probably get the fuck out.

MARISHA: What time is it, midnight?

MATT: Right now it’s a little after midnight.

SAM: So we have not had a full rest?

TALIESIN: Let’s have a full rest.

LAURA: Really?

TALIESIN: They don’t know where we are yet. We killed everybody.

SAM: What if they have some sort of psychic communication, and what if this is their spawning ground? What if the Sun Tree is their spawning ground?

MARISHA: Can I do some sort of check to see if the Sun Tree is their spawning ground?

MATT: Go ahead and make an intelligence check.

MARISHA: Just a straight intelligence check?

MATT: Yeah.

MARISHA: Okay. That’s a natural one.

LAURA: Yay. Hey, that’s what I rolled when I was trying to check things out.

MATT: It’s hard to say. You don’t understand a lot of the nature of undead; it’s not your forte and things have been weird around here. You have no idea.

LIAM: Here’s what we’re going to do. I’ve got one silver piece right here. I’m going to flip it.

SAM: Wait. Did you grow that mustache for tonight?

LAURA: Yes.

SAM: That’s awesome.

LIAM: It was a goatee a scant five hours ago. Now it is an Errol Flynn mustache. Thank you. We’ll discuss it at break. I’m going to flip this coin because that’s all we fucking got. If it’s a 20, we’re gonna stay here. If it’s a one, we’re going to find another place.

MARISHA: Sure, fuck it. Leave it up to chance.

LAURA: We find another place.

MARISHA: All right.

TALIESIN: Can we tunnel our way to the tree?

LAURA: Let’s tunnel. I don’t want to go up. No, we can’t tunnel

MARISHA: I can’t. I blew all my natural energies doing that Sunbeam.

LIAM: It’s still night, though. We’ve had a short rest. We’ve got to get out of here. They know we’re here.

LAURA: It’s night. We can’t travel at night.

TRAVIS: I know.

LIAM: You’re a badass.

LAURA: There’s vampires.

TRAVIS: Yeah, we step outside, it’s game on.

LIAM: As opposed to down here in the hole?

LAURA: I feel like we’re safer down here. At least there’s only so many places they can attack from.

SAM: But the coin said we should go.

LIAM: That’s fine. When you went down that cavern that one time, that worked out really well. So let’s do what she says.

MARISHA: Wait, are you talking about when Vex and I came back with Clarota and he helped us for quite a while? Is that what you’re talking about?

LAURA: That worked out really well because we probably wouldn’t have defeated K'Varn without him.

MARISHA: Yeah, you’re right, Vax. Vex, let’s stay.

LIAM: That’s very open to interpretation.

TRAVIS: Until he betrayed us and tried to eat Scanlan’s brain.

TALIESIN: I’m agreeing with the women because I want to live to see the morning.

SAM: I still think Clarota was a pretty good guy.

TRAVIS: We decide to stay.

MATT: All right.

TRAVIS: We stay.

LAURA: We’re stupid.

TRAVIS: No we’re not. We’ll be fine.

LAURA: What if we went up above ground and went into the second floor? So we’re not underground.

SAM: All right, sure, let’s do that. That’s no good, either.

MARISHA: Are there two stories? I technically used my Hallucinatory Terrain spell to make it look like a one-story tavern.

SAM: What about this? How about we don’t sleep in the tunnel? We barricade that up and we just sleep in the cellar. Not the tunnel, the cellar.

LAURA: All right, let’s do it. It’s fine, whatever.

LIAM: Back and to the left.

SAM: Can we barricade the cellar somehow?

MARISHA: That I can do. I’ll do a Wall of Stone where I tunneled.

LAURA: We’re very packed in. It’s nice and cozy and warm.

MATT: It is, and you’re surrounded by a number of bottles of wine–

LIAM: And bear farts.

TALIESIN: And all the wine we stole. We stole a lot of wine.

MARISHA: Can we pop open a bottle of that wine?

TALIESIN: And try and relax?

TRAVIS: Yeah, we can. I guess I’ll allow it.

MATT: Pop open the wine, share a bottle, and you all manage to find your way back to sleep. Who’s taking watch now?

MARISHA: I’ll go with Vax because I haven’t been yet.

MATT: Okay, so you two take the next watch.

LAURA: I stay awake because I don’t want them to be alone.

MATT: (chuckles) All right, the three of you take this watch.

MARISHA: Half-elves, what what.

SAM: I go back to sleep.

TRAVIS: Half-elves, what what.

LIAM: Hello, my half-elven brothers.

MATT: All right, a few hours of awkward conversation–

LIAM: (shushing noises) Jeralt is speaking.

MATT: It’s Geralt, thank you very much.

LAURA: Sigil.

LIAM: I haven’t played that game, but is your name Solid Snake?

MATT: I will attack both of you.

MARISHA: Cue internet rage.

MATT: (laughs) Oh man. All right, so after you guys take your watch, with seeming no incident, although some awkward conversation and a few jabs here and there. Final watch, who’s taking that?

SAM: I’ve already watched.

LAURA: I need to sleep. You need to sleep.

TRAVIS: Fuck it, I’ll do it.

MATT: All right, Grog is up.

LAURA: Trinket stays awake with you, though.

MATT: And Trinket does like staying awake with you, Grog. You both understand each other on a very feral and unintelligent level.

TRAVIS: We play hand slaps. (impact sound) Fuck. Claws catching every once in a while.

MATT: Eventually, everyone’s managed to gather your evening’s rest. You come to consciousness, the cold morning greets you. No seeming further incident in the cellar during the evening.

TRAVIS: You’re welcome.

MATT: I would like everyone to make a wisdom saving throw, please.

TRAVIS: No problem.

TALIESIN: Wisdom saving or just wisdom?

MATT: Wisdom saving throw.

MARISHA: Saving throw? Oh right, because we’ve been in a cursed land for a while.

SAM: Does my thing help me?

MATT: Your thing help you?

SAM: I have some thing.

LIAM: The cube?

MARISHA: Jack-of-all-trades?

SAM: No, shit. I’ll find it. Don’t worry, come back to me.

MATT: Okay.

LIAM: 17.

LAURA: 17.

TRAVIS: 11.

SAM: What is this? Wisdom?

MATT: Wisdom saving throw.

SAM: Advantage.

MATT: There you go.

SAM: 14.

MATT: Okay. Keyleth?

MARISHA: 24.

TALIESIN: Eight.

MARISHA and LAURA: Oh, not Percy!

TRAVIS: You don’t know.

MARISHA: Oh god, look at that smirk on his face!

TALIESIN: Fuck you, Matt.

MATT: So as you all come to consciousness, I would like you to put another point of corruption on your sheet.

LAURA: Oh no, how many can you get before you’re totally evil?

MARISHA: What does that mean? Now what?

MATT: Tell you in a second.

TALIESIN: Am I still coughing?

MATT: Oh, you’re still coughing. You guys all come back to consciousness. Cold morning greets you. Food probably is going to be in order pretty soon. You guys didn’t get much of a meal the evening before, and you’re all still a little sore after your evening’s rest. You’ve pushed through and recovered from your exhaustion from your frenzied rage.

TRAVIS: Thank you.

SAM: Ring of Mind-Shielding, is what I was going to say.

TALIESIN: That mustache is getting very iffy.

SAM: I don’t know what you’re talking about.

TRAVIS: Do we want some dried food rations?

LAURA: Plus, there’s probably dried food in this cellar.

TRAVIS: I have a ton in the bag.

MARISHA: Can we do a check to see if there’s any jerky or anything in the cellar? Did we already do that?

MATT: You guys looked through. You found some jerky, some dried food that’s serviceable. Not the best, but serviceable. All right. Going forward, the sadistic tendencies that you’ve been exerting through a lot of this event are becoming harder and harder to control. Be mindful that when you strike to kill, you strike to torture before you do.

SAM: Whoa, that’s so cool. I mean terrible.

LAURA: Is he the only one that was affected this time, again?

MATT: Yep. Everyone else rolled above a ten.

TALIESIN: I have a very low wisdom, and I rolled really badly.

MATT: All right, so. You finish your meal. Looking outside, what little bit of the windows you can see, since you covered them all with cloth, there’s a little bit of daylight peeking through. It’s soft daylight. It looks like, while it’s not raining, there is still a cloud-covered sky. What is your plan of action?

TRAVIS: I have a question. My 11 points of permanently lowered hit points from the necrotic damage, can that be healed with a potion of greater healing?

MATT: Those hit points have all come back, by the way, guys. Over the night, the hit points you lost on your hit point total have been returned.

LIAM: I didn’t suffer from this, but permanently lowered health?

MATT: Yeah, from the bite? That recovers after a long rest.

TRAVIS: Literally what I just asked.

SAM: What about the hit points that were lowered?

TRAVIS: Literally what I just asked.

MATT: What? Don’t– My brain doesn’t work– (laughs) It’s hot in here.

TRAVIS: Are we going to find another house to kill now? I mean, to carefully investigate and thoroughly due diligence the heads before we smash them.

LIAM: Scanlan, I think you and I going to go see how people are feeling in the town while everybody else looks for a new hidey-hole, yeah?

MARISHA: Are we tunneling through this entire city?

LIAM: I think you are, but if it’s first thing in the morning, I don’t think the Briarwoods could have gotten to everybody yet, so I think you and I could do our father-son act for like an hour.

SAM: Did you just say fart the son act?

LIAM: Fart the son and the vampires, they’re done– father and son.

SAM: Oh, father and son. Oh! Seeming!

LIAM: Because you’re little, and I’m tall.

SAM: Yes.

TALIESIN: Why don’t we Seem all of us so we can go take a look around while you talk to–

TRAVIS: Yeah, we’ve got to find a different spot.

LIAM: Quickly, though, because even though we don’t look like ourselves, they know that there are strangers in town.

LAURA: Grog, give everybody a little bit of the Dust of Tracelessness.

TALIESIN: And we have the earpieces.

SAM: Do we? Do you?

TALIESIN: I have one now.

MARISHA: I have one.

LIAM: I have one.

SAM: Okay. So I am to Seem us as peasants again?

LAURA: Yes.

LIAM: Same peasants, yes.

TRAVIS: Different-looking peasants.

SAM: (sings) Seeming. Feel me, touch me, heal me.

LIAM: Sorry, folks.

SAM: All right, so we’re all peasants.

MATT: Gnome bard wizard over here.

SAM: I’m a cute little boy with a lazy eye. To match my grandma.

MATT: There you go.

TALIESIN: I have the Hat of Disguise on underneath, just so even if it drops, I’m still not me.

MATT: Okay, good to know. All right.

MARISHA: So are we breaking up? Are you two going to scout the town and the rest of us will–

LIAM: We’re going to talk to a few people, right, kiddo?

SAM: Yes.

MARISHA: The rest of us are finding a new hideout?

LAURA: Yeah, we’re looking for a new hideout.

TALIESIN: Where should we meet?

MARISHA: We’ve got the earrings.

TALIESIN: We’ve got the earrings, so once we find a place, we’ll let you know.

LIAM: We’ll come to you, yeah.

LAURA: Check in every 30 minutes. It’s dangerous.

MARISHA: Okay. I like that plan.

TRAVIS: What’s the safety word?

SAM: I’d leave that up to Percy.

MARISHA: I was going to say I’d leave that up to you.

LAURA: Meet back here in two hours–

LIAM: Too long.

LAURA: Hold on. Meet back here in two hours if we haven’t heard from everything.

TALIESIN: If everything goes wrong, we meet back here in two hours. Otherwise, check in every 30 minutes. Do we need a code word?

SAM: Yeah, we need a code word.

TRAVIS: Doritos.

LAURA: I was thinking Dorito, too! How weird.

TRAVIS: Married.

MARISHA: Dorito. I like that.

MATT: Dorito. A strange elven term for flatmate. All right, so, as you guys press out into the day’s sun, we’ll take a quick break. We’ll be back here in five minutes to continue this.

MARISHA: Hot. I might have to de-armor.

TRAVIS: I’m taking this wig off.

MATT: See you guys shortly.

Break
[break]

Part II
ZAC: Hey, what’s up, everybody? Welcome back. Real quick, couple announcements, the first of which: tomorrow, here on Geek and Sundry, we have a special episode of Group Hug; it’s going to be Alien versus Predator versus the Alien Queen. Cthulhu might be thrown in there. We’re still working out the details, but we’re going to kick off Halloween. It’s going to be pretty rad. And the chat room bought those figures for us, so we’re going to play with them, and it’s going to be awesome. And then after that, we have a really awesome band tomorrow night, and they’re going to be coming in costume, and then we’ve got the game Nightmare on VHS.

MATT: Oh, yeah! I used to have that, man.

ZAC: Yeah. We’re going to be rocking out Nightmare tomorrow night, and Felicia’s probably going to be stopping by, and Ryon Day. We’re going to have a big old Halloween party with Rock Band and everything else. So you guys are more than welcome to join us and celebrate Halloween.

MATT: You should be Baron Samedi for that one.

ZAC: Baron Samedi?

MATT: He’s one of the characters you can play in that. God, that thing was so awful. It’s going to be so great.

ZAC: It’s so bad-good. I cannot wait.

MATT: Whose turn is it? You. You are banished. Oh, that guy was so good.

ZAC: I can’t wait, guys, so tune in for that. And for all the people last week that voted for me to have sideburns and a Freddie Mercury mustache, I have kept both all week, and tomorrow I will not have to anymore, so thank you for that. I love you guys. You’re great. Good times, good job. That’s all I have to say.

MATT: (laughs) Man, Nightmare. That’s almost as good as Experience Bij. All right, so. Quick announcement we have for you guys right now, as well. Tonight’s episode, if you haven’t seen from the setup, is actually sponsored by Tor Books, which is awesome. If you guys aren’t familiar with Tor, you need to go check out what they have. I grew up reading a lot of the stuff that Tor published. They’re one of the major publishers of science fiction and fantasy out there. They’ve been going for a long time. I was raised on a lot of their spectrum. Right now, they’re pushing the awesome New York best-selling book Shadows of Self. Yes. That’s the one. Which Felicia really, really enjoyed, and if you guys have the opportunity to go check it out, please do so. Their stuff is awesome. So thank you, Tor. I think that’s it. So if everyone’s back here, let’s go ahead and– oh, there he is. I was waiting for Burt to return.

SAM: I didn’t want to disturb your announcements.

TRAVIS: Sit down, you dickless wonder.

MATT: Oh, it’s a sleeping monkey.

SAM: Easy, Helga. You meant nothing to me.

TRAVIS: (laughs) Oh?

LIAM: Still so little expression on that face.

SAM: I don’t know what you’re saying. I can perform perfectly.

TRAVIS: I’ve moved on from Scanlan, and I’ve cut my hair as a sign of change.

LIAM: Like Vasquez.

LAURA: Yeah, I like it.

TRAVIS: Yeah, Aliens. Such a badass, Vasquez.

MARISHA: I’ve taken my scarf off because it’s really hot. It’s really hot in here.

MATT: You ever been mistaken for a man? Come on, you’ve got to know the response to that.

LAURA: No, have you?

MATT: Thank you, Laura.

LAURA: You got it.

MATT: Grog has disadvantage on his next attack.

(groaning)

LAURA: And Vex has advantage?

MATT: Yeah, probably. We’ll see when we get there. All right, so.

LIAM: (explosion noise)

MATT: Down. (laughs) I will Quen all over your ass. I got Aard signs all day, yo. All right, anyway. So. What are the groups? You guys are splitting up across the city?

LAURA: Oh, right. Yes.

SAM: Is that a thing? Are we doing this?

LAURA: This is the dumbest idea, by the way.

TRAVIS: No, it’s the best.

LIAM: Daddy Daycare. You and I, we’re going to go talk to people.

SAM: Papa, let’s go.

LAURA: Keyleth, you and me.

MARISHA: All right.

TALIESIN: No, the four of us are sticking together, I thought.

LAURA: All right. And Trinket.

TALIESIN: Trinket the donkey.

SAM: Oh, yes.

TALIESIN: We’ll go to the Alcove.

TRAVIS: We’re going to the Alcove.

MATT: Good. So.

LIAM: What was the name of the guy that Grog de-tongued and kicked out the window?

SAM and TRAVIS: Kerrion.

MARISHA: That was Vox.

MATT: He was shot in the face by Percy. This was Vouk.

TRAVIS: Got it.

LIAM: Thanks.

SAM: So Vouk is alive?

LAURA: And I’m sure he told everybody what we looked like. We can’t look like the same Seeming that we were before.

TALIESIN: He can only tell them what we look like if he’s a very clever artist.

LAURA: Yeah, but he can write it down.

TRAVIS: He’s really good at charades.

MARISHA: But they already know what we look like.

TRAVIS: Should’ve broken his fingers, too.

LAURA: Seeming.

MARISHA: I thought we dropped Seeming, though?

LAURA: We didn’t.

SAM: Would I have been smart enough to Seem us slightly differently?

MATT: Based on this conversation happening now? No. You have already transformed everybody into the original–

SAM: Except I gave myself a lazy eye.

MATT: Except you have a lazy eye, which is different.

LIAM: I don’t think it makes a difference. I think there’s no new people in this town.

MARISHA: True. Even newer people might be suspicious.

TRAVIS: We don’t give a fuck. We’re walking around. We don’t give a shit. You people have got lazy eyes. We’ve got a donkey. No problem. Recognize us, I dare you.

LAURA: I have crazy eyes.

MATT: Yeah, you do. Crazy old woman eyes.

LAURA: They’re like (growls).

MATT: Just like that.

LIAM: But you guys are tunneling around, looking for new digs, right?

MARISHA: No, we’re walking around.

SAM: Well, that’s up to them.

LIAM: That’s up to you. I thought– who cares what I thought?

MATT: Indeed. So you and Scanlan continue off into the city.

LAURA: I cast Pass Without a Trace on them before they leave. On all of us.

MATT: Okay. All right. There is a radius to it, I believe.

LAURA: Oh, there is?

MATT: They have to stay within a certain area of you.

LAURA: I really should read about spells more.

MATT: I can just look it up right here. I would do that, yeah. I would recommend looking up your spells.

LAURA: Oh, within 30 feet of me.

TALIESIN: What part of town is the Alcove?

MATT: The Alcove would be on the northwest side of it.

LIAM: She’s not even here. You’re with me. Gavroche, come on! And I swat him as hard as I can in the back of the head.

SAM: Thenardier is our precious father.

MATT: The four of you head off towards the Alcove. Heading out into the day, the cloud cover is pretty thick. There is just general moisture and mist to the air. It probably could rain any second. You continue moving towards the northwestern side of the town. You do notice, in comparison to previous days, there is a little more energy to the streets. People seem to be moving back and forth with hustle and business. You do also see, as you head on your way out, there is still a slight bit of smoke slowly swimming up from the house in the distance, and what minor embers were not put out by the rainfall, it’s just a little trace of smoke.

TALIESIN: Was it the north, the east, or the west manor?

MATT: That was the eastern.

TALIESIN: Eastern manor.

MATT: Yeah, that one is partially burned down. So as you continue heading northwest, you eventually make your way to where you recall the Alcove was. Now, when you get there, it’s a relatively plain-looking building. Dark woods. There’s a sign out front that says The Alcove. It’s old. The metal that holds the sign has rusted a bit. The doors are open, and as you push into the building, it’s largely empty and seemingly unkempt, compared to the previous oddity shops you’ve been to. Many books about enchantment look left out on one of the nearby tables, partially read and abandoned as if they were being flipped through. And then as you look across the room, behind the counter, there’s a young girl in her late teens, a blonde waif of a girl, who’s currently thumbing through a book and notices you guys enter. “Oh! Hi. Can I help you?”

TALIESIN: Yes, we’re looking to buy a few things, and we were wondering– actually, I used to do business with Simon. Is Simon around?

MATT: “Simon was called away for a special project by the Briarwoods about six months ago. He told me to look over the store while he’s gone. I’m sorry, we’re mostly out of stock. We don’t have much here at the moment.”

TALIESIN: He was called away on a special project? What sort of special project?

MATT: “I don’t know. He lives in the castle now. I mean, he would visit every week or so, but he hasn’t been back in almost a month, and I’m a little worried.”

TRAVIS: He lives at the castle?

TALIESIN: He lives at the castle? Oh.

MARISHA: Did he ever tell you about any details of this special assignment?

MATT: “No, unfortunately. He was the real enchanter here. I’m just trying to do my best to learn what I can while he’s gone.”

LAURA: Speak up, girl! I can’t hear you.

MATT “I’m sorry, miss! I’m sorry. I’m Jordana Whisk. I’m Simon’s daughter.”

LAURA: Simon’s daughter. Now, did he like the Briarwoods?

MATT: She gives you a look and looks about the room for a moment. “The Briarwoods have been very fair and just rulers of this land.”

LAURA: I’m trying to look straight at her, but I’m really looking that direction and over there.

MATT: She’s gathered as much and is seemingly offput by the whole presentation. “The Briarwoods are just and fair, and we should not speak ill of them in public.” TRAVIS: Can somebody see if there’s something watching?

MARISHA: Yeah, can I do a perception check around the room and see if there’s any indications that the Briarwoods might have–

TRAVIS: Monitoring?

MARISHA: Yeah, a bug? Like some sort of something where they might be monitoring this place.

SAM: A small electronic device.

MARISHA: Yes. That kind of bug.

MATT: Make a perception check.

MARISHA: Not bad. 26.

MATT: Looking around the room, there doesn’t appear to be any specific devices installed, whether magical or otherwise, that would pertain to immediate–

TRAVIS: No blue poo. Got it.

LAURA: (whispering) Lean in, girl. Lean in.

MATT: She leans in a little bit and goes, “Hold on.” And she runs off behind the counter. Heads back and closes the doors behind where you guys entered. Heads back and gets behind the counter. “I’m sorry. I don’t recognize any of you, and you’re bringing up rather dangerous statements. What can I help you with? We don’t have much.” And she reaches down and pulls out a couple of small glass vials. Simple healing potions, you can already see. You’ve worked with these type of things before.

TALIESIN: We’re actually looking for something a bit more complicated and a little more dangerous.

MATT: She pulls up a small metal rod. “One of these?”

TALIESIN: I don’t know what that is. Let me show you. And I’m going to walk over to the wall, find a dusty wall, and I’m going to trace the symbol on the wall.

MATT: Okay. She gives you a look and says, “It’s dangerous to draw that around here, sir.”

TALIESIN: I’m going to wipe it away.

MATT: She gets a little more comfortable as soon as you do. “What are you doing here?”

TALIESIN: We’re hoping that we could purchase a brief amount of sanctuary.

MATT: “Here? Why?”

TALIESIN: We need to keep moving so that they don’t catch us.

MATT: “The Briarwoods are after you? I can’t have you here! You’ll bring them right to me!”

LAURA: Dear, the Briarwoods aren’t after us. They’re after everybody. What we need is a place to stay that we know is protected.

MATT: Make a persuasion roll.

LAURA: (growls) Eight is– 16.

SAM: 80 60?

LAURA: 80 60.

MATT: Yes, big number. It’s a very large die.

TALIESIN: Can I try and pour on top of it?

MATT: I’d say no. Not at this point. You’re the one that originally spurred her worry. She gives you a look. “Look, if I’m going to let you stay here, I need to know more about what it is that you’re trying to accomplish here. Raising the symbol of the de Rolos? I’ve never seen any of you in the city before in my life.”

LAURA: Do you miss the de Rolos, dear?

MATT: “Anything’s better than this misery.”

LAURA: Well, we may know a couple de Rolos. We may know some. No big deal.

MARISHA: It’s true.

MATT: She shakes her head and, “Foolish minds. The de Rolos have been dead for five years.”

TALIESIN: Not all of them.

MATT: “Really?”

TALIESIN: I can’t drop the Seeming, can I?

MARISHA: (laughing) No, you’re stuck.

TRAVIS: Just drop that phat name of yours, buddy.

LAURA: Only one person would know the entire name of Percival de Rolo.

MARISHA: Miss, do you know the full name of Percival de Rolo?

TALIESIN: I was wondering if you were about to do it. Can you do it?

TRAVIS: Yeah, it’s Museldorf Musketeers–

SAM: Percival Sanchez Vicario–

LAURA: de Rolo III.

LIAM: The Nina, the Pinta, the Santa Maria.

MARISHA: Percival Von Musel Von Lichtenstein de Rolo III.

SAM: Kevin Dorff, Wesley Snipes.

LAURA: Magneto de Rolo III.

MARISHA: de Rolo III.

MATT: This moment of tension with Jordana awkwardly staring at these all very intently looking dirty peasants. With a donkey. Just talking about names.

TALIESIN: Simon Whisk was a good friend to Percival Fredrickstein Von Musel Klossowski de Rolo III.

MARISHA: That’s it.

TALIESIN: Percival Fredrickstein Von Musel Klossowski de Rolo III.

MARISHA: Percival Fredricks Von Stein–

TRAVIS: You can call him Percy.

TALIESIN: Percival lives, and he’s coming.

MATT: Make a persuasion roll.

[no audio]

MATT: And one you’re not sure the nature of, and says, “Take these.” And she pushes them ahead to you. “It’s not much.” Two regular healing potions, one greater healing potion. She explains what the metal thing is. She picks it up and clicks part of the metal cusp of it, and it stays in the air on its own.

MARISHA: Oh my god! It’s another Rod of Holding.

MATT: Immovable Rod, but yes.

MARISHA: Immovable Rod. That one. I was combining Bag of Holding and the Immovable Rod. Combining them.

SAM: What’s a movable rod?

LAURA: Two greater healing and then another regular?

MATT: One greater healing and two regular.

LIAM: It’s like a ladder rung that you can put wherever you want and hang on it.

SAM: Did we already have one of those?

MARISHA: Yeah, we did.

SAM: What happened to it?

MARISHA: Tiberius put it somewhere, and it never came back.

SAM: He put it on the magic carpet?

MARISHA: He might have. Tiberius had one. We didn’t use it much.

LIAM: He’s a mysterious motherfucker.

MATT: All right. She pushes it all towards you guys and says, “I have practically no one, and I can’t be much help. I’m not a fighter.”

MARISHA: I’ll take the rod.

MATT: All right.

TALIESIN: I will make sure that you are compensated when this is over. Can we sleep here for the night?

MATT: “Follow me.” She leads you to the back, and there’s this very, very small room that looks like it used to be her father’s room. It’s dusty. Most of it has been untouched, except for the bed. She walks in. “This is all I have to offer. It’s not much, but it’s available.”

LAURA: Is it safe at night?

MATT: “As safe as anything is here. Just don’t go outside.”

TRAVIS: What does the ceiling look like?

MATT: It’s about nine feet up. Maybe about two feet of rafters. Very simple. Very plain.

TRAVIS: That’s where we need to be tonight. Remember when we were in the branches?

LAURA: Can I insight check her and see if she seems to be truthful?

MATT: Sure, go for it.

LAURA: I never know which one. It’s too much pressure to choose. That was the wrong one. I chose poorly. 13.

MATT: Okay. It’s hard to tell. She’s young, and she seems definitely earnest and plain with her forthrightness. Yeah, there doesn’t appear to be any sort of deception.

TRAVIS: We are allies. With us comes change. Keep our secret and all the better we’ll be for it.

MATT: “It’s kept, but I recommend talking to Keeper Yennen if you haven’t. He’s one of the social centerpieces of the remaining good folk in the city.”

TALIESIN: We have spoken to him. We will speak to him again today.

MATT: His reach is far. He’d be the one to talk to. Well, don’t stay here long. That will draw attention.

MARISHA: Also, we’re going to have two more staying with us, if that’s okay.

LAURA: One’s a child, though. You won’t even notice him.

MATT: Her shoulders slump a little bit. She’s like, “All right. I’ll prepare as best I can.” And she starts reaching over and starts pulling these thin blankets out from a nearby cabinet and goes, “Well? Go!”

TALIESIN: Good day. Everyone, let’s meet over at the Lady’s Chamber once you’re finished with your business.

MATT: All right, now you guys.

LIAM: I’m dragging you along by the scruff of the ear.

SAM: Pa, please!

LIAM: Shut up.

SAM: I’m tired.

LIAM: I’m going to look for anybody walking by. Is there anyone nearby?

MATT: After about a minute or so of walking, you do see what looks to be a young man carrying a satchel over his shoulder. It looks like it’s filled with a few small pieces of parchment that are rolled up. He’s in a brisk walk somewhere.

LIAM: I walk right up to him and I awkwardly put a hand on his chest, and I make sure that I flip my pencil and spit as I talk and say, I need a hard drink. I need a hard drink right now. Where?

MATT: “If you’re looking for a drink,” And he points over down the road, and he’s really put off by it and is trying to keep his face out of your breath. “You’re going to look for the Journey’s End. Two blocks down that way, to the right. It’s not much business during the day.”

LIAM: I spit at his feet and I pull Scanlan by the ear. Come on, you shit.

SAM: (yelps) Call Child Protective Services!

MATT: As you walk away, you hear him mutter under his breath, “What’s this world coming to?” And he continues on his brusque pace.

LIAM: I’m following his directions and going there. Journey’s End, yeah.

MATT: You are now at the Journey’s End tavern. It’s pretty barren. You walk inside. There are two employees. One who is behind the bar and is currently reading through a book. The second is currently pouring a drink for the one patron that’s in there, what looks to be a slovenly looking gentleman who’s sitting at a table drinking his woes away. He’s currently going through what looks like a ledger of some kind, and there’s a tavern employee with an apron on. He’s this younger, red-headed boy, who’s trying to fill a flagon while this gentleman at the table is cursing at him to the side. Other than that, it’s empty.

LIAM: Empty. So how many in here?

MATT: Three.

LIAM: Three. All right, I pull Jimmy-John after me, and sit down next to one of them.

SAM: My name is Tad.

LIAM: Shut up! Your mother’s going to kill us both. (sighs) Two! Two here, and a water for him.

MATT: “All right. Okay, I’ll be right back,” and he walks off, looking a little confused.

SAM: I’ll have one of what he’s having, as well.

MATT: (chuckles) “That’s cute. Water it is.” And he’s walking off.

LIAM: I swat him in the back of the head for the bartender to see.

MATT: The patron now, a closer look: man in his late forties. Has a protruded jawline, little bit of an underbite. Thinning brown hair, and he’s got some smears of dirt on his face. Looks like he’s been crying, and is slumped over the table, looking over this ledger. He slams it shut as you sit down with a very, very loud (impact noise). Glances sidelong towards you and says, “What the fuck are you doing coming and bothering a man in the middle of his meal?”

LIAM: Can’t fucking earn a living in this land. Come up from a mile out of town, been trying to grow fucking carrots for these fucking people. Can’t earn a living!

MATT: “You’re telling me. Ain’t no living to be had in Whitestone these days. It’s nothing but misery.”

LIAM: Something’s got to change here. I can’t live. I can’t give them what they want. I can’t feed him. What are we fucking supposed to do here?

SAM: I haven’t eaten in three days.

MATT: “That’s the worst fucking part, is you know there’s always an easy exit.”

SAM: What?

MATT: “What, you think the folks who’ve taken their life to this point? You think that’s the end, but no, not in this town. No, they just get right back up the next day. There is no way out.”

LIAM: The fuck are you talking about?

MATT: “Talking about the whole business. There is no escaping this misery. Either you try and stay alive and exist in this bullshit, or you die and become one of them. I’ve been trying to find a way out of this city for months now, but they’re always watching.”

LIAM: I take a huge drink of the mug in front of me. (sighs) Someone should run these fuckers out of town.

MATT: “That ain’t going to happen, mate. Sorry.”

SAM: I have a friend named Kevin. He says there is someone trying to do something about it. He says that that’s what caused that fire yesterday, over at that big fancy house. He says there’s rebels afoot!

LIAM: I take the mug that I have, and I pour the rest of it out on this little one’s head and say, you speak when you’re spoken to.

MATT: “No, it’s okay. Let the boy speak. Let your boy speak! What were you saying?”

SAM: Oh, I’m just saying what I overheard. My friend Kevin, he’s truthful. When he lies, his papa beats him, so I believe him. He said that someone really strong took out someone who was at that big fancy house that was all aflame the other day. He said that there’s lots of them, and that they’re going to free us all from this hell we live in!

MATT: (laughing) Man, that’s a layered check. Make a persuasion and a deception roll, back to back.

SAM: Wait, two rolls?

MATT: Yes.

TRAVIS: It was that good.

SAM: Okay, persuasion and deception, you say. Oh Jesus. Okay, persuasion. 39.

(laughter)

TALIESIN: What?!

LAURA: How?! Is that even possible?

SAM: Deception, 15. Wait, or 29. It’s a lot.

MATT: What’s your bonus?!

SAM: No, it’s 16 plus 13.

MATT: Okay, so 29.

SAM: That’s 29. Sorry. It’s a lot.

MATT: I was like, (explosion sounds). All right. Gives you a stern look. “Huh. Well, it’d be nice, for a change, that there’d be someone up to fucking fight for this shithole of a place.”

LIAM: I start fake-weeping into my cup.

MATT: He goes, “Oh no. No need for that. Going to make me lose my appetite. Hate the sound of a grown man crying. Chin up!” And he takes and flicks a coin at your face.

LIAM: Ow, fuck!

MATT: “Look, if what he’s saying’s true, and we’ve got some sort of savior making their way into town, well. Let’s hope they’re at least a little more prepared than the last ones.”

SAM: The last ones?

MATT: “The uprising three years ago. Are you new to this fucking town?”

SAM: Three years ago, Papa wouldn’t let me out of the closet, so I didn’t hear much of what was going on.

MATT: “Okay, first and foremost, you’ve got to treat your boy better. Going to raise someone no better than the motherfuckers running Whitestone right now if you keep this up.”

LIAM: (retches)

LAURA: Did you really puke, or did you fake puke?

SAM: I’m sorry about my papa. He’s had such a hard time these last few years. Our crops are not performing well, and he’s under a lot of pressure. And I think Mama doesn’t love him anymore. I’m sorry. We can go.

MATT: “I think you should. But one thing: if he ever does anything else to hurt you again, you come tell someone. Two: if you hear anything else about this savior coming into town, go ahead and talk to Trevor over there, at the edge of the bar.” And you see over there, there’s the guy who’s behind the bar with his book. He doesn’t even notice all this happening. Guy in his mid-thirties, glasses at the end of his nose, his hair’s slicked back and pulled into a taut ponytail, and he’s sitting there reading. And he says, “Go ahead and tell Trevor, because the rest of us would like to go out in a blaze of glory than live in this bullshit.”

SAM: What was your name, sir?

MATT: “Not important to much, but you can call me Patrick.”

SAM: Thank you, Patrick. I don’t know if my papa has enough money for these drinks.

LIAM: I’m going to insight check Patrick.

SAM: From the floor?

MATT: He’s listening in. Go for it.

LIAM: All right, that’s not that great. That’s a 17.

MATT: He seems honest. Seems he’s got not much to lose and his interest is piqued, but he’s not wholly invested in this whole idea. But it’s definitely caught his attention. “Well, let’s get him up.” Stands up, reaches over and grabs you by the arm, lifts you up onto the stool on the side of the table and says, “Up, you.” Pats you on the back. “You need to sober up, drink the water you got for your boy, there, and get your ass out of here.”

SAM: Come on, Papa. Let’s go. I turn around and I take the rest of his drink.

(laughter)

LIAM: And as he pulls me away, and I slovenly turn after him. I turn back for a second, and I completely sober up. Pelor has returned. Walked out.

MATT: He gives you a keen glance and nods slowly as you walk away. Looks over at the bartender for a second, and, “Psst! Trevor!” And then you exit the building. All right, you guys all convene at the Lady’s Chamber. The other day, there were a few folks walking through the courtyard. Today, there’s a group of about 25 people, all different dress, from what would be considered a Whitestone middle class, the few there are, to a number of other peasantry, farmhands, and other folk that look destitute by nature of existence here. All gathered in the amphitheater, and what appears to be a relatively hushed sermon or discussion currently going on by Keeper Yennen.

MARISHA: Let’s not make ourselves known. I want to see this. I want to hear what’s up.

TALIESIN: Sit in the back.

MATT: Okay, sit in the back. He begins talking for a while about a long tangent, speaking of, “This land, once cherished, is a burning light and a beacon of good existence, of kinship, of honesty and loyalty, dragged down to the muck by the imposition of darkness, the return of the evil that once scourged this land. Now given new faces, they push us down, and as hope crumbles, the light peeks through once again, for whispers have come to my ears, friends, that this unrest now has a name. I’m sure you’ve seen it, the fire atop that building this morning, watched as one of your oppressors was cut from his high throne. One of his close advisors scarred, tortured, shown the strength of this hidden ally of us, the oppressed peoples of Whitestone.” And he looks up over the group a little bit and past the streets, carefully. “I have come to believe that perhaps this is the time for us to band together and show our support. Now, the information is still vague, but just keep your eyes open. Be careful, be quiet. As things progress, word will find you.” Bows his head and says a prayer that– none of you speak Celestial?

TALIESIN: I do.

SAM: You do?!

TALIESIN: I speak Celestial.

MATT: All righty. The essence of the prayer is: By the guidance of the Lady, may civilization flourish and those that keep progression at bay be squashed beneath our feet. At which point the sermon breaks, and people begin to walk away and scatter.

LAURA: I want to watch people as they walk away and try to read their lips as they’re walking away to see if everybody seems loyal to what he said, or if anybody seems a little–

MATT: Everyone is silent. Everyone is quiet, and everyone is looking warily and making their own separate paced exits, so as not to draw attention.

LAURA: Can we try to memorize their faces? Of everybody that was here?

MATT: Okay. You keep as best a mental image of everyone who’s passing by. Not too many notable folk. They look like, especially where you’re from, the peasantry doesn’t really interest you visually, but you do manage to gather details of certain scars here and there, and people, hair color, age, stuff like that.

TRAVIS: Did we recognize the guy that was talking?

LAURA: Yeah, that was Keeper.

MATT: Keeper Yennen.

MARISHA: Yeah. Any familiar faces in the audience?

MATT: Actually, Scanlan, you and Keyleth both recognize some of the farmers. You guys have all gathered.

SAM: Oh, we gathered again. Okay.

MATT: You recognize two of the individuals at this were the farmers you initially saw on the outskirts of Whitestone when you did your little scouting mission earlier.

SAM: Oh, nice. When we flew in?

MATT: Yeah.

SAM: Okay.

MATT: So from all the people you’ve encountered, those are the only two that you specifically recognize so far, but it does appear to be made up of–

MARISHA: Working hands, farmers.

MATT: Yeah, the foundation of this city that have been so long oppressed.

TRAVIS: I elbow Percy, and I go, do we talk to him?

TALIESIN: I think we do. Maybe he talks to us. I try and catch his attention.

MATT: Okay. You can see as he begins putting out some of the incense, he looks over and sees, “Ah, yes. You’ve returned. Please, follow me.” And he steps outside of the amphitheater and around the back of it.

TALIESIN: We follow.

MATT: Okay. Around the back of the amphitheater, you see there is constructed, attached to the very far end of this round half-dome, a square brick building. Very simple. And as he ushers you all inside, it’s essentially a tea room. There’s a table, there’s a tea set up there, there is a small stove in the far end with a little fire-burning stove, and shelves and shelves and shelves arranged with all different manner of small sculptures, metalwork, holy symbols of Erathis that have all been put on display. Each one has a name carved beneath it. And you recognize this, Percy. This is the legacy of all the Keepers of the Lady’s Chamber over time, their symbols. This is basically a Hall of Previous Keepers. “Please, sit. Have tea if you like, if you’re so interested. We have much to discuss. So. I am to believe that these allies you spoke of previously were responsible for this dastardly attack on Sir Kerrion?”

TALIESIN: That could be inferred.

MATT: “Well, I have spoken privately with a number of the remaining community leaders of our town, and they are unconvinced. Understand, this isn’t the first time an insurrection has been attempted, and much sorrow was endured after previous failures. We keep hope best we can, but without a solid plan, we are sending the rest of our able-bodied into the abyss.”

TALIESIN: What happened last time?

MATT: “Well, in a similar fashion, we had a number of fed-up individuals decide to finally raise some sort of aggressive act against the castle and attempt to storm it by force. We figured we had the numbers. There are many dangers in that castle that go beyond what we were prepared for. As such, the few that survived, well. They met the fate most do at the Sun Tree these days. So we’ve been remiss to put ourselves in a similar position for many years now. To make matters worse, our informant within the castle has gone silent these past few weeks. We have no idea of the progression of the Briarwoods’ plot.”

MARISHA: Was your informant by chance named Simon?

MATT: “No. Simon has been missing for some time, actually.”

TALIESIN: Who was your informant?

MATT: “I don’t know the name. The information comes through– actually, he should be arriving here in just a moment.”

TALIESIN: What did they find underneath Whitestone?

MATT: “All that we know is they’ve been rebuilding or repurposing something old and terrible beneath the city. I’ve only heard whispers of it referred to as the ziggurat.”

LAURA, TRAVIS, and MARISHA: The ziggurat.

MATT: “Now, to go into the deep history of this city, as you are outsiders, legend speaks of a seed, that the Sun Tree was placed by Pelor himself to seal a wound in the light. Whitestone rose around it. The fable has long been told, but ever since those fiends took the city, their interest beneath the city has kept me thinking on this fable. Leaves me very unsettled. And as the Sun Tree slowly died, so did our confidence. Further–” At which point, the door across the room opens. (creak) And another enters the room. A very elderly man steps in, his ragged robes draped on his very thin, frail form.

LAURA: I wink at him.

MATT: His weathered skin is dark and leathery. He’s nearly hairless on his head and has liver spots all over his scalp. One of his eyes is clouded over and white. He shimmies in very slowly. “I ask you strangers, what makes you so sure you can change the tide of this battle?”

TRAVIS: (whispers) Drop Seeming. Drop it.

TALIESIN: Do I recognize this person?

MATT: As old as he may be, there is a subtle power and resonance and confidence to his voice. There’s a force of personality and conviction that immediately leads you to believe that this man is or once was a man of great power and respect.

TRAVIS: Are there windows in the room?

MATT: There are two windows. They are currently shut with curtains.

TRAVIS: You should show him.

MATT: You, Percy, recognize this man. He was once the chancellor to your father, and a long-respected philosopher in Whitestone known as Archibald Desnae.

MARISHA: Archibald Desnitt?

MATT: Desnae. He was very well-respected. Very stern, and crotchety at times, but very much aided your family in holding the city together in times of strife.

SAM: I pull out Sir Kerrion’s notebook and I hand it to them and I say, this should be some proof that we mean what we say.

MATT: Reaches out, and his long, spindly fingers grap around the tome, pull it towards him. “So you bring a trinket. That is helpful. But to kill one mortal man is no feat compared to the darkness that lies in that castle. You need more than that.”

TALIESIN: I remove my hat.

SAM: Can I drop it on one of us, or do I have to drop it on all of us?

MATT: I’d say you can drop it on an individual, if you prefer.

SAM: All right. I will drop Percy’s Seeming.

MATT: Okay. There’s a slamming sound as the tome he’s holding hits the floor.

TALIESIN: Hello, Archie.

MATT: “Percival? Sweet Percival.”

TALIESIN: Not so sweet these days. I did not think you would have lived.

MATT: “I thought you had perished in the subjugation. Percival, you have no idea the joy this brings to my heart.” And he reaches out and touches the edge of your face like he’s still in disbelief. “Your hair. It seems age has caught up to you, as well.”

TALIESIN: It was difficult, leaving.

MATT: You see a smile creep across his very tense old-man face, and he looks about the room with a renewed energy that wasn’t there before.

TALIESIN: My friends are strong.

MATT: “With you here, Percival, we’ve two de Rolos spearheading the rebellion. We have the guiding light the people need.”

TALIESIN: Who else survived?

MATT: “We must succeed, Percival. If this fails, there won’t be anyone else left to rise up. They are nearing their goal, according to your sister Cassandra. We haven’t much time. Your sister lives, Percival.”

MARISHA: Oh shit!

MATT: “She survived the attack and was taken as the personal assistant and slave of the Briarwoods and used as an example, a symbol of their dominance. She has been feeding us information for years, whenever she could. She was the helping guide, the last two attempts we’ve made. We have not received a letter from her in weeks now, but know you are not the only surviving member of your family. I will talk to your people. I will talk to mine. We’ll have your militia. Guide us, Percival Fredrickstein von Mussel Klossowski de Rolo III. Guide us, Vox Machina.”

SAM: Wait. You know who we are? How does he know?

MATT: “Some of us have information all over these lands. We’ve had a few friends come from Emon over the past couple years. They met some dire ends. Don’t think that we haven’t heard of your exploits. Help us bring a dawn back to this land.”

TALIESIN: I may have a plan. How fares Professor Anders?

MATT: “Professor Anders has been lost to us since before the insurrection. He is a man taken by what promises the Briarwoods have given him. What little he has shown his face in this town, he is not the man he once was, or at least the man we thought he was was never who he truly claimed to be.”

TALIESIN: He lives in the house in the east? House in the north?

MATT: “He lives in the castle with the Briarwoods, as well.”

TALIESIN: Lady Ripley lives in one of those mansions.

MATT: “She did. There have been reports in recent days that she’s been quick to pack. We know not where she resides now.”

TALIESIN: Who lives in the third house?

MATT: “Here.” And he takes a moment to think of which house you’re referring to.

TALIESIN: We burned one of them.

MATT: “Yes, you did. The house is Kerrion’s house, and then there are two other homesteads of the new nobles, one of which is currently held by the Duke,” he says with disdain. “Goran Vedmeyer.”

MARISHA: Goran Quagmire?

LAURA and SAM: Vedmeyer.

MATT: “Vedmeyer. He has supposedly been put in watch at the temple of Pelor, but he’s left that to ruin. The other home houses Count Tylieri, a rather sadistic man who oversees the timber production of Whitestone.”

LAURA: The what production?

MATT: “Timber.”

SAM: Is that the house that the Countess was briefly residing in?

MATT: “Briefly.”

SAM: Count Tygieri?

MATT: “Tylieri.”

SAM: Tylieri. How are these men, the duke and the count? What do the people think of them?

MATT: “The Briarwoods, when they took Whitestone, did not take it alone. They came to this land with a small army of cutthroats, mercenaries, sell-swords they brought over from whichever forsaken land they came from. Each one of those men that then proved to be of utmost use to them in that rebellion, they were given titles and nobility and homesteads. They were given responsibilities over the land, the people beneath them. I can only assume that was part of their payment for their service.”

SAM: But they’re just thugs who were particularly successful.

MATT: “As far as I know, yes.”

LAURA: Are they supernatural? Are they undead?

MATT: “Not to my knowledge.”

TRAVIS: If we were to continue working our way up this totem pole, which of the two is less powerful?

TALIESIN: Which of the two is reviled most?

MARISHA: Yes, what would start an uprising?

MATT: “Count Tylieri is known for being quite the sadistic individual. Beating, torturing his servants, sometimes publicly to show his hand to those who would cross him. He would definitely be a message to send, if there were one.”

TALIESIN: I have a plan.

SAM: I’ve got one, too. Kill him.

TALIESIN: Well, that’s part of the plan.

MATT: “I would warn, the longer we wait making these messages, the stronger we build this part of the city, but also the more warning and preparation time we give to those in the castle. So the choice is yours.”

LIAM: We act now.

MARISHA: Act now?

LAURA: Against the Briarwoods?

TRAVIS: Count Tylieri.

TALIESIN: Here’s my plan.

MATT: The name Tylieri catches your ear’s memory. If you recall, your captive back at Greyskull Keep was previously the owner of the driver of the Briarwoods, Desmond. The one that beat him senseless until eventually Lord Briarwood saw this and then took him as his own driver.

SAM: I’m just a small boy, but we’ve seen mists at night, strange things that come out when the sun goes down. Are those focused around a central area of town, or are those everywhere?

MATT: “The mists are a means of intimidation. It’s merely a magical precursor to the undead minions of the Briarwoods. They slink through those mists, use them as cover. If you see it, run.”

SAM: Thank you.

LAURA: We heard about green fog here. Is that something?

MATT: “In the castle, yes. There are vents in what was once the garden. I know not the nature of these vents or what is being utilized to produce this foul, noxious odor, but it has put a scent on the city for many years.”

LAURA: Do we know what killed the tree?

MATT: “We know not.”

TRAVIS: And in your time, do you know anything about Lady Delilah? What she is?

MATT: “The few times she’s walked the city, it’s been procession and power. She seems to enjoy the attention. She’s a vain one, that one.”

MARISHA: Who’s this?

LAURA and TRAVIS: Lady Delilah.

LAURA: Does she come out during the day?

MATT: “She hasn’t in almost a year, but she has before, yes. She walks in the sun, unlike her husband.”

SAM: Unlike her husband?

MATT: “Yes.”

LAURA: I don’t think she’s a vampire.

MARISHA: She may not be a vampire.

TRAVIS: I think she’s a bitch.

TALIESIN: What do you think of a distraction?

LAURA: What kind of distraction?

TALIESIN: What if there was a way to start a ruckus at the Vedmeyer estate? Start a fire, maybe. Start a ruckus of some kind.

SAM: The Vedmeyer estate?

TALIESIN: The third house.

SAM: The duke’s. Okay, yes?

TALIESIN: They’re going to be waiting and expecting us, so if they think we’re attacking one of the houses and then instead we attack the other while everyone’s rushing to deal with what they think is the next attack, we attack the second home, and then when they prepare for us to attack the third home, that’s when we attack the castle.

LAURA: I like it.

SAM: All right.

MARISHA: Wait, you want to go bam-bam-bam?

TALIESIN: Today, it’s just one. We’ve already dropped one.

LAURA: The next attack will be on the Briarwoods.

SAM: Well, he’s saying create a distraction.

LIAM: We make a big stink in the house we’re not going into.

MARISHA: That I’m cool with. Percy, how much do you want people to see the de Rolo family crest? How much do you want people to know of your presence here? Do you want a big proclamation? Because I might have that.

TALIESIN: Will it put my sister in danger?

MATT: “It’s hard to say.”

TALIESIN: They don’t know that I know she’s alive. Perhaps keep her, just to surprise me.

SAM: That symbol is not the de Rolo family seal, is it? It’s modified.

TALIESIN: It’s a part of it. Definitely. I want them to know. They need to know.

MATT: “It’s a tough decision. The symbol does carry the weight of the people and does carry a beacon of hope. But it, as you said, may put your sister in danger. It’s hard to say. The choice is yours in how you wish to use it.”

TALIESIN: Yes.

MARISHA: Yes. Because I learned a trick back in the day from my father and the Air Ashari people. We used to do it as kids for fun, but it might be perfect in this circumstance.

SAM: I did it a little in college. It’s fun.

MARISHA: Dual-wielding. I can Skywrite for you.

LIAM: How do you mean?

LAURA: Like a giant sparkler.

LIAM: Like a what?

MARISHA: In the future, they came up with these awesome things called–

SAM, MATT, and TRAVIS: Nope!

TRAVIS: Skywrite with clouds?

MARISHA: Yeah, skywriting with clouds.

LIAM: You control the clouds?

TRAVIS: Can you actually write letters in them?

MARISHA: Yeah.

SAM: That’s crazy talk.

LAURA: Can you clear out clouds? Then if you can do that, can you make these gray clouds go away?

MARISHA: Do we want the gray clouds to go away?

LAURA: Well, sunlight would be nice as opposed to this misty fog.

TRAVIS: That’s a good point.

MARISHA: Maybe temporarily.

MATT: Yeah, controlling weather on that scope is a little beyond your grasp. You can alter elements of it and you could darken elements of the cloud to form a message or a symbol if you would like, but actually removing the clouds, that would be–

LAURA: Can you poke a hole in them?

MARISHA: Temporarily, yeah.

TRAVIS: We’ll remember that. Let’s go pick a fight with a house!

TALIESIN: From a distance. We pick a fight with a house from a distance so we can get to the other house and pick a fight there.

LAURA: Is there just one of us who can make a big stink in the decoy house?

SAM: I can probably make a big stink.

LAURA: You could definitely make a big stink.

LIAM: But you can catch up through one of those little doorways.

SAM: Please, it’s big for me.

LAURA: How about this? I use one of my exploding arrows you gave me.

SAM: Oh, those are so cool. Save those for a person.

TRAVIS: It’s a good ranged stink.

SAM: I’ve got Magic Missiles. I’ve got all sorts of shit. I can do Stinking Clouds, I can make them see things, I can blow open their doors. I can do it. You guys go have fun.

TALIESIN: But you can also do this from a distance so we can get you far away. You could do both.

SAM: I’ll start on the distraction.

TALIESIN: And I’m going to give you a second arrow as well.

LAURA: Of what?

TALIESIN: The arrow?

MATT: Okay.

LIAM: It’s a question-mark arrow.

TALIESIN: It’s an arrow?

MATT: Yeah. Write down arrow with a question mark. It looks heavily tinkered. It’s a little front-loaded with the weight.

TALIESIN: You know what it will do to the roof if it works?

MATT: Yeah.

TALIESIN: Okay, cool.

SAM: It’s a kill-Trinket arrow.

LAURA: Oh man, you know what? I forgot I– okay, cool.

MATT: (laughs) Yes. What?

LAURA: Just don’t. I have thoughts.

MATT: Cool, have thoughts. Keep them going.

LAURA: Arrow?

MATT: Arrow?

TRAVIS: All right, can we do something now, please?

MARISHA: All right. Let’s do it.

SAM: I’ll head over to the other house. Show me on the map where it is so I know where I’m going.

TRAVIS: What time is it?

MATT: By this point in the day, it’s probably around three in the afternoon.

TALIESIN: We’re going to do this now.

MARISHA: When do you want the symbol to go up?

TALIESIN: Actually, we may not need it yet. That may actually work out well once we’ve–

MARISHA: Lit the houses up?

TALIESIN: Once it’s up, can you actually write it in smoke coming off the house?

MARISHA: Yeah, I think I could.

MATT: With a crack of thunder, rainfall begins to hit on the city.

TALIESIN: Really?

LAURA: Of course.

MARISHA: Why is it raining again?

LAURA: Because it’s this fucking town. It’s fucked. No offense. It won’t be fucked soon.

SAM: Your town sucks, weather-wise.

TALIESIN: So the northern house or the western house?

MATT: “The northern house is the one that Count Tylieri currently resides in. Or no. My apologies. The northern house is the one that Duke Goran Vedmeyer currently exists in. The other is Count Tylieri.”

TALIESIN: So this is the mess and this is our actual?

SAM: I’m the mess?

TALIESIN: You’re the mess.

SAM: All right. So you’ll earphone me when you’re in position? Let’s go, quickly. We’re burning daylight.

TALIESIN: So probably from about here.

MARISHA: I’m going with Scanlan.

LAURA: No, come with us, Keyleth!

SAM: If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a hundred times. I don’t need help.

MARISHA: I wasn’t trying to help you. I was trying to write the de Rolo symbol in smoke. I don’t really care about you.

TALIESIN: You can do it from the other house. It’s sight-based.

SAM: They need your magic.

LIAM: It’s no knocks against you. He’s going to catch up quickly.

SAM: And if I die, tell Pike I love her.

LAURA: You won’t die, Scanlan.

SAM: I might. I’m a little wee man.

MARISHA: All right, I’m going with them.

TALIESIN: You’re a little boy. We’re making very reasonable plans with this.

MATT: All right. Did you put your hat back on?

TALIESIN: I have put my hat back on, yes.

MATT: Okay, yes, because you’re very much visibly Percy.

TALIESIN: Not anymore, I’m not!

MATT: All right. So you groups divide, Scanlan heading towards the northeastern house, the rest of you heading towards the northwestern house. Eventually, you get to the outskirts of both abodes, and you can see the dark clouds in the sky, occasional claps of thunder and flashes of light. Even though it’s midday, it’s pretty dark right now. The few folks that are out and about have their heads covered with hoods, and they’re trying to stay under overhangs to stay nice and as dry as they can. You are all soaked to the bone at this point, just pushing through. Your cough is still setting in pretty heavily at this point, too. You guys make your way to the outskirts of the home. You, Scanlan, skipping along, the boy that you are with your one weird wandering eye, find your way to the other abode. So. What’s the plan?

SAM: How far is the gate from the front door?

MATT: It’s about 25, 30 feet. And the house that you’re looking at right now, it’s very well-crafted. Looks like it’s made from a lot of the fine timber of Whitestone, the lighter woods and dark woods contrast with each other, stained to show the variation in the two. It’s a very beautiful home.

SAM: Okay. Any guards? Anything around?

MATT: Currently, you can see there is one guard visible at the front. That’s all you can see at the moment.

SAM: And if I walk around back, is there any guards around back?

MATT: There is a second guard around back that is just now stepping out of an outhouse that is situated behind the building.

TALIESIN: That would excite you. I don’t know why.

SAM: Sure. Because they haven’t phoned me to tell me that we’re ready to go, I will become a dragonfly and buzz into the dwelling.

MATT: Okay.

LIAM: Meanwhile, the twins are looking at our home, sizing it up.

MATT: All right. Keeping a close eye. Through the dark rainy atmosphere, you can see on both homes, the interiors are slightly lit. There appears to be individuals at home in both homes. You just can’t see who it is, necessarily. There is light in the interior. As you turn into a fly and make your way, this little boy just walks and (zip). Go ahead and make a stealth check.

SAM: Ten.

MATT: Okay. You turn into a fly and make your way through the bars and begin (buzzing) over the yard with your one-twentieth of a hit point in fly form. Make your way. Any of the nearby windows all seem to be shut. The front door is closed. There might be a gap, but the guard is standing in front of the door.

SAM: Okay. Again, they haven’t phoned me, so I’ll perch on the handrail or door frame or something just above him and wait.

MATT: Okay. He takes notice of your buzzing as you go by and goes back to his watching. The rest of you guys?

LIAM: We’re sizing up the other home.

LAURA: Yeah. Oh, how about this? Maybe we can tell Scanlan to set off the thingy. I’ll come running out as my old crazy lady, saying, (screams) the house is under attack! Toward the guards guarding this house. And then I’ll just stand there as they react.

LIAM: I like it. Could we look at this house first?

LAURA: I thought we did.

TALIESIN: I thought you went to shoot the arrows in the other house.

MARISHA: No, that’s what Scanlan said.

LIAM: What do I see? I’m looking all over this house.

MATT: Right. This house is also well-built, sturdy. Mostly wood construction, but it’s all dark wood. It almost seems to disappear against the gray skies above it if you’re looking from a downward perspective. It’s a very dreary-looking home, built to look pretty for someone who doesn’t like a lot of color. It’s two stories; there are a number of windows on both stories. Looks like there is a small garden out front that has been long-ignored and died and dried up. Just browns. Abysmal-looking. Other than that, there’s not much else to say on the building.

LIAM: No guards, nobody watching?

MATT: Not currently any guards outside of it, no.

LIAM: I want to go for a circle around.

LAURA: Stealthy. Stealth. I cast Pass Without a Trace on him.

MATT: (laughs) And you stay within 30 feet of him?

LAURA: Huh?

MATT: Can you stay within 30 feet of him?

LAURA: I guess I stealth behind him.

MATT: All right. Both of you guys roll stealth.

LAURA: Oh no. Which one should I use?

LIAM: 28.

LAURA: Add ten.

LIAM: Good.

LAURA: 36.

SAM: Jeez!

LIAM: That’s pretty good. What did you add? Oh, because of Pass Without a Trace! Oh, 38.

MATT: There you go, 36 and 38, boom.

SAM: You’re both discovered and killed.

MATT: (laughs) Immediately. Just like that. You push into one of the nearby alleyways, curve around the side, and make your way to the back portion of this. And the gate is buttressed up against one of the surrounding buildings– it’s a warehouse of some kind– to the point where there’s a little bit of space you can get over, but it’s about eight feet up and it is a spiky top, but looking over, you do see there is one guard that is slowly patrolling around the outside, and you see through the nearby window what looks like two humanoids that just crossed paths at the front of the window.

LIAM: Two humanoids are in the house, there’s a guard between the home, and the warehouse thing you just described?

MATT: Correct. Basically, you didn’t see it from your perspective. Once you went around the alleyway to the other side of it, you do see there is one guard that is slowly patrolling the outside.

LAURA: (whispers) I can perch and take him out with an arrow.

LIAM: You do your thing, yeah. Yeah.

LAURA: Do you want to sneak-attack him? That might be smarter.

LIAM: I’ll start, you follow.

LAURA: Got it.

LIAM: All right.

LAURA: Should we let Scanlan do his thing first and then we sneak attack him? Set it all in motion?

LIAM: Yes.

TALIESIN: All at the same time, then. On the count of three.

MARISHA: What are we doing? Wait, what?

SAM: What? All I heard is on the count of three. What’s going on?

LIAM: Scanlan, whatever you’re going to do, I want you to get ready to do it.

LAURA: And then we’ll count to three and we’ll attack.

SAM: Shouldn’t I do mine first?

LAURA: Yeah, you do. Tell us when.

SAM: Oh, you want me to do mine first?

TRAVIS: Whenever you’re ready.

SAM: How about wait 30 seconds and go?

LAURA: Got it.

SAM: All right. I turn into a triceratops.

(laughter)

LIAM: A what?

MATT: I’m going to say, roll an intelligence check.

LIAM: Come on, Burt.

SAM: Intelligence?

MATT: With advantage, because you’re a bard. Just add your intelligence modifier.

LIAM: He gave you advantage. Roll again.

SAM: I already get advantage for intelligence checks. 19.

MATT: Okay. Through your bardic research and hearing many tales and seeing scribblings in books of presumably madmen, apparently, that there were certain creatures that existed long before the civilization had taken root. You have heard of some of these, one of which is the mighty and frightening triceratops. You hear it’s just a fable, but it’s fun to pretend to be one, sure.

SAM: Three horns and big.

MATT: Yep. And out of nowhere, this tiny fly (boosh) into a triceratops. (boom) Lands, crushing the man beneath you. He’s going to attempt to– oh, rolled a 20 on his saving throw. So he’s only going to take half damage. Go ahead and roll 3d6 crushing damage.

SAM: d6? I don’t even have a d6. (laughs) Wow. 17.

MATT: 17? Whoa, okay. He did not like that. Okay, he is crushed and he is prone beneath you right now, (groans).

SAM: And for my move, I bash down the door.

MATT: All right. Go ahead and roll an attack.

SAM: d20? 18.

MATT: Okay, yeah. Go ahead and roll another 3d6.

SAM: Three, six, that wasn’t anything. Nine.

MATT: Nine plus three. 12 points of damage. You turn around, and with a loud cracking sound, the whole outside of the doorway and most of the outside of the room is thrashed and destroyed. Wood chunks go flying everywhere with a large roar. You see part of the inside of the foyer collapses from that side of the building. You basically take out a whole support and start thrashing around. You hear voices begin yelling out from in the household, and immediately five guards start rushing in from different rooms towards you. All right. Two of which are holding already armed and ready crossbows. We’ll get to that in just a second.

SAM: Okay.

MATT: You guys?

LIAM: I’m going to run up behind the one guard and beat him in the back of the head with the back of my dagger.

MATT: Okay. Go ahead and roll an attack. He does not see you; this is considered a surprise attack.

LIAM: This is a surprise attack? Oh, that’s good. Ooh, that’s not that good. So that’s 17.

MATT: That hits.

LIAM: That hits, all right. And then the second attack, which’ll also have advantage, is 23.

MATT: 23 also hits, yeah.

LIAM: Okay, so sneak attack, yeah? So here we go. Plus, get them. (mutters) 25 for the first attack. Or no, 25 for the first attack–

MATT: Sneak attack?

LIAM: That was it.

MATT: Right. It’s a surprise round. Don’t you get double damage for being an assassin?

LIAM: Yeah, so 50. All I want to do is gunk him. Like I do.

MATT: And that’s all you needed. He had 45 hit points. (whack) With one hit to the back of his head, he crumples onto the ground, smacking into the wet grass around this field.

LIAM: And I look over my sister’s shoulder and say, Grog! You want to play? Come on, you want to play?

TRAVIS: Grog always wants to play!

LIAM: Go for the door!

TRAVIS: Fuck it. I rage.

MATT: Okay.

LAURA: We’re just going straight into the house?

MARISHA: What are we doing? We’re watching all this happen? We’re all like, oh, there goes Grog.

LIAM: Yeah, because you’ve said nothing.

MATT: You guys right now watch as now Vax runs over and tells Grog to run in and go after the front door.

LIAM: Well, that’s not what I said. I said, do you want to play?

TRAVIS: No, I took off running.

MATT: Grog is running toward the door now. You guys see him bolt off, burst through the gate.

TRAVIS: Activate the flaming warhammer.

TALIESIN and MARISHA: I guess we’re going.

LIAM: Everybody’s running at the door.

MATT: All right, so go ahead and roll a strength check just for the hell of it. There is a closed gate. Athletics, this would be.

TRAVIS: Oh. 14.

MATT: 14? Okay. It’s not immediate impact. It takes you a second; you have to force your way through the gate. You essentially grab the two sides of it and pull and pull until eventually the chain snaps and the bars bend and you shove off one of the old doors. The gate (creaks, impact) onto the ground before you, leaving a straight look to the front door. You bolt for it. The rest of you guys give chase afterwards. You all rush to the front door of this homestead. It is currently closed.

LIAM: We saw front door, we saw some sort of warehouse, and a side window with two people going, right?

MARISHA: Let’s flank.

LAURA and LIAM: Let’s go in the window.

TRAVIS: I’ll meet you in the middle!

LAURA: Yeah, we go in the window.

MARISHA: You said there was a door around back?

MATT and LIAM: There’s windows around back.

MARISHA: I’ll go around back.

TALIESIN: I’ll also go around back.

LAURA: Oh, but that’s only Grog in the front now.

MARISHA: He’s fine.

TRAVIS: Yeah.

LAURA: I give him Trinket. Going in with you.

TRAVIS: You want to send him in with me? It’s going to be nasty where I’m going. It’s all-day buffet.

LAURA: He’s going in the door.

MATT: All righty.

TALIESIN: Can we see any of the damage? Is there any smoke rising from the house yet?

MATT: No, there’s no smoke. There’s no smoke. There’s nothing sending smoke at that point.

LIAM: I’m trying to get a better look and listen as I run closer to the windows.

MATT: And we will pick up at this moment next week.

(yelling)

LAURA: Oh my gosh!

SAM: But I’m a dinosaur!

MATT: I know.

MARISHA: I’m waiting for smoke.

MATT: I know, and we’ll see how this plays out next week, because right now if we keep where this is going, this could be– we could be here until late, and I need to get out of this costume.

LIAM: Still a dinosaur. Open the door.

SAM: Scanlan on the floor. Everybody flee; there’s a dinosaur.

MATT: (laughs) Triceratops. Damn it.

TRAVIS: Damn it. (laughs)

ZAC: So I have a couple requests from the community. One of which is that every single one of you post a full-body picture of your costume and post it to Twitter so they can get a good look without being blocked by the table. I think everyone just really wants to see his legs because he’s not wearing pants under that dress.

LAURA: But he is wearing a little petticoat.

ZAC: And the other request was for you to explain how in the hell you made this, because this is amazing. They want a really quick run-down of what you did here.

MATT: Okay. Well, for the armor pieces, the base is Sintra, which is one-eighth of an inch thick PVC sheeting. You can buy it at sign supply stores.

LIAM: (snores)

MATT: I know, Liam. Shut up, they asked me. So I cut those into sheets. You heat them up with a heat-gun or really hot hairdryer and you can bend it, so that was the shape for these. I ordered aluminum chainmail off eBay, straight from India, and cannibalized it to make the sheets of chainmail that I then epoxied onto the plastic. And this is a pleather that I stitched together and then adhered across it to make the trim, and that’s how I made the armor.

ZAC: Would you be willing to come on Mines N Crafts and do a little more detailed show-through of it? Because it’s really cool, and there’s details you guys can’t see. Everyone was like, let him show off his swords, and I’m like, they’re not real swords.

MATT: Nah, you can pull them out.

ZAC: Yeah, you want to show them off?

MATT: Sure. I can’t really grab them from here.

ZAC: That’s very ineffective for battle, Matt.

MATT: I know.

LIAM: So less dexterous than the video game.

MARISHA: You can’t put claymores on your back, which is a big fallacy.

MATT: Yeah, unfortunately I don’t have the lack of clipping that an actual warrior would have in this armor. Trust me, it’s a sword.

LIAM: Here’s a little secret for people who love video games: when the heroes pull out a gun, put a gun away, pull out a sword, put a sword away, there’s a guy on the performance capture set who just catches it and walks away. Hands it into your hand, so all this, they just go (pfft) and they don’t put it anywhere. They just let go of it.

ZAC: Actually, I posted that video today on twitter that one of the Critters posted and I retweeted it of Laura and Travis doing their motion-capture for Halo 5. Which guys, you should definitely check out Halo 5. Travis and Laura are both in the game.

LAURA: We meant to announce that, yeah. It just released this week.

ZAC: Yeah, it just released this week and Travis did some of the mocap for Fred and for Nathan Fillion’s character, and in the video it shows you guys basically just throwing down–

TRAVIS: Some magic item.

ZAC: It’s pretty cool.

MATT: So great. Yeah, and Minecraft released this week.

SAM: Story Mode!

MATT: Story Mode, yeah.

ZAC: Yeah, we showed a little bit of that. It was like, oop, that’s Matt.

MATT: Yeah, sorry.

TALIESIN: Is there anybody else in Story Mode of Minecraft that we should mention?

MATT: That are friends of ours? I mean, Cat Taber’s in it–

LAURA: Ashley fricking Johnson!

MATT: I know. I thought I mentioned it previously, but yeah.

ZAC: Just assume if a game’s coming out, one of these guys–

MATT: You can’t escape us.

ZAC: You can’t escape. It gets really weird now every time we turn on a game and we’re like, and who is this this week?

TALIESIN: Now you know our pain.

MATT: Sorry about that, guys.

MARISHA: Ruins every game.

TRAVIS and LAURA: Sorry not sorry.

TALIESIN: We heard your voice at Target.

MATT: What?

TALIESIN: We were walking through Target and were like, “Hey, guys.”

MATT: Oh right, yeah, the Playmation toys.

TALIESIN: You started talking at us–

MATT: You guys have seen the cool Marvel Playmation toys for kids, the imaginary stuff. I do Iron Man and Loki and a few other guys.

MARISHA: It’s the toy that all your kids are going to bitch and scream and want, and you’re going to be like really, it’s the most expensive toy? It’s like $150. It’s like the toy of the year, man. It’s cool.

MATT: Yeah. I’m going to go play with mine. Yeah, anyway.

ZAC: Well, we had some donations today for Extra Life. This was our last week for Extra Life donations, guys. As a whole, okay, we’ll get through these and then I’ll read the total overall, because it’s something everyone in our community should be proud of.

MATT: Okay.

ZAC: So, list starts right here.

[end of transcription]