Causatum/Transcript

Pre-Show
MATT: Hello everyone, and welcome to tonight's episode of Critical Role, where a bunch of us nerdy-ass voice actors sit around and play Dungeons & Dragons.

TRAVIS: We play Dungeons & Dragons!

LAURA: Dragons.

TRAVIS: Come on!

LAURA: Sorry, I was distracted by Sam's--

MATT: It'll do that. We have a Liam O'Brien via internet connection for the evening as he's been out for the week with his family.

LAURA: He-ey!

(laughter)

MATT: Good job, that's about right sure! Perfect.

(laughter)

MARISHA: Skipped that elective.

MATT: Exactly. Apologies in advance, don't flip out, I rushed out of the shower, forgot my bands, so I know people will be like, “What's wrong, what's different? He's lost his power tonight.” Maybe, we'll see.

LAURA: Oh my god, what if he rolls really bad?

MATT: Then it'll prove a lot of theories. But yes, anyway, welcome. Before we jump into tonight's game, we're going to go through some quick announcements, beginning with our fantastic sponsors for the night, or quick for most of us. Beginning with our first sponsor friends of Campaign Two, from the very beginning, D&D Beyond.

(cheering)

SAM: D&D Beyond, guys, we all started off as voice actors. Oh, you know what? I didn't even look at what they sent me to read.

(laughter)

The D&D Beyond Encounter Builder alpha version is now available to all D&D Beyond subscribers. If you don't recall, it's a super handy tool to craft unique and flavorful fights that fit your current setting and difficulty level. Check out the exciting updates as they work their way through the alpha including the official monsters who've now been added and improved acce- oh. And improved accessibility. Check it out at the link in the chat. Okay, we all--

MATT: Let me say, that's actually really cool. Not to gloss over that, Sam. Encounter Builder is actually really cool and a really helpful tool. I've used it, it's been helpful, check it out. It's awesome.

SAM: Yes!

LIAM: I'm seeing the table for the first time, is that a motherfucking fishbowl?

SAM: Yeah, there's lots of stuff, Liam. Anyway, what Matt said. That is important and vital. Anyway, the bit.

(laughter)

We all got our start as voice-over actors and for this week's D&D Beyond ad, I wanted to bring us back to our roots with an old-fashioned radio play. Now voice-over really became an art form in the 30s and 40s with radio dramas like “The Shadow,” “Mercury Theater,” “The Green Hornet,” and my favorite part of these classic radio dramas was the sound effects! So tonight, the Critical Role– No, that's mine!

MARISHA: Oh, shit! Sorry!

(laughter)

The Critical Role radio players are going to take you back to the Golden Age of radio, with me, Sam Riegel, providing sound effects. Okay, here we go. Okay, ready?

(xylophone chiming)

MATT: We now return to our regularly scheduled broadcast, The Adventures of Detective Clint P. McGinty, Private Dick.

(knocking)

LAURA: (trans-atlantic accent) Come on in.

(stomping)

TRAVIS: Chief, I came as soon as I heard the dispatch. Somebody got iced? Where's the vic?

SAM: Hold on, McGinty, let me light another cigarette.

(flicking)

(blowing)

I'm afraid it's murder, McGinty. That's why you're here. You're the best dick I know.

TRAVIS: Well, if you want to solve this case, you're going to need all the dicking I can give.

LAURA: We all will. Walk with me, McGinty. The body's over here.

(stomping)

Just past this carpet.

(stomping)

LAURA: Stupid.

(laughter)

TRAVIS: Should I follow you over this gravel area?

LAURA: Of course.

(crunching)

(laughter)

Let's stop here on this mound of silverware.

(clanking)

Go ahead, kick that vacuum cleaner aside.

(vacuum sound)

(laughter)

And get rid of that pussy.

(claps)

SAM: Meow!

(laughter)

LAURA: There you go.

(laughter)

One dead body.

TRAVIS: Good gravy, that's a lot of blood. I'd better investigate it by touching it and squishing it around.

(water pouring)

MATT: In this toilet bowl.

TRAVIS: Curious. Yes, interesting. Mmm, yes, of course. Well I--

(dripping continues)

(laughter)

I think I know who committed this crime.

LAURA: What, how?

TRAVIS: There's blood splatter here, on this bell.

(thunk)

SAM: Oh, shit!

(ding)

There it is! And here on this clock!

(alarm ringing)

TRAVIS: And here on this lightsaber!

(buzzing)

LAURA: My goodness, you're right!

TRAVIS: There's a reason they call me the best goddamn dick in L.A.

SAM: (laughs)

LAURA: So who did it?

SAM: We're halfway done, guys.

(laughter)

TRAVIS: The only person I know who can kill this quickly and efficiently is none other than D&D Beyond.

LAURA: D&D Beyond?

TRAVIS: D&D Beyond. In any violent encounter, D&D Beyond makes you much more efficient, so you can slay your enemies without having to look up rules and--

(fart noises)

LAURA: (monotone) Sorry, I had curry before, continue.

TRAVIS: Anyway, D&D Beyond is the perfect resource for anyone who wants to defeat a creature in record time.

(fart noise)

LAURA: I also ate corn, cauliflower, and Diet Coke with Mentos.

TRAVIS: It's fine, Chief, I'll just moonwalk over here.

(stomping)

SAM: Hee hee!

TRAVIS: As I was saying, the killer must've subscribed to dndbeyond.com and gotten access to all their great content.

(fart noise)

LAURA: I forgot to tell you I also ate Red Hots, a hoppy IPA, deviled eggs, raw artichokes, and Funyuns and bean dip.

TRAVIS: I'm sorry, Chief, I can't take this smell anymore, I'm going to jump out this window.

(cartoonish plummeting noise)

SAM: Ba!

(laughter)

MATT: And thus concludes another adventure of Detective Clint P. McGinty, Private Dick.

(ringing)

SAM: Hey, I did it!

(laughter)

TRAVIS: Oh my god, what the fuck is the matter with you?

SAM: I did it!

MATT: He did it.

TRAVIS: Do we clap?

MATT: Whatever Sam did, he did it!

(clapping)

TRAVIS: Nice. Really good.

LAURA: Good job.

SAM: That was my dream come true!

MATT: I'm so happy that we and our sponsors can facilitate your private dream, Sam.

(laughter)

TRAVIS: Holy shit.

SAM: Thanks guys, that was real fun!

MATT: No, thank you, Sam. And thank you, D&D Beyond, for your infinite patience.

TALIESIN: Oh, man.

TRAVIS: What a bit.

LIAM: My favorite part was how you wove D&D Beyond into it.

SAM: So cleverly! Organically.

MATT: Seamless! Natural. Our second wonderful sponsor for tonight's episode: our returning friends at The Rook and The Raven.

(clapping)

You guys, we've talked about them before on the show. Check it out, they have these amazing bound campaign books you can get, both as a Dungeon Master and as a player, with spiral notes that you can change out different pages for your campaign character notes, all kinds of fun stuff, details.

MARISHA: My last note before the break was “Fuckin' Yasha.”

TRAVIS: Yep, that sounds about right.

MATT: It's about right.

MARISHA: You too can make very poignant notes like that.

TALIESIN: Fucking Yasha.

MATT: For a very limited time right now, you can get the new Rook and the Raven campaign planner with the cover designed by fantasy artist Leesha Hannigan, friend of the show, awesome, awesome artist. Also new in their store is the large format which is available with both square and dual hex grid pages which is cool. A hex dual scale, I should say. Sorry. Also, the new Tome of Legends and Lore, which features oversize discs and dividers that let you organize and archive up to 300 pages for your Mischief and Misadventure diary planners, which these are. You can find all this and more at our landing page, which is therookandtheraven.com/criticalrole. Go ahead and get a special 15 percent discount from ordering there, so go check it out. All righty. We also have a couple quick announcements. The continuation of our comic book series, Legends– sorry, Vox Machina Origins.

TRAVIS: Yes!

(cheering)

MATT: With our friends at Dark Horse Comics. The first issue is now available at comic shops, hopefully. Some of the stores are sold out already, which is crazy. So check out and order, if you can't find it in the store, check online. Once again, I recommend you going to your local game store, local comic store, support the brick and mortars best you can, and then if you can't find it, other avenues. You can find it at critrole.com as well as Comixology, Dark Horse Digital, and where other great digital comic books are sold. Also, we'll be-- next weekend, Saturday, July 20th, in Room 6BCF at San Diego Comic-Con!

(cheering)

TALIESIN: BCF.

MATT: 6BCF.

TRAVIS: We can't make this up.

MATT: Same room we had our panel last year. Our special Talks Machina panel will be there. If you're planning on going to San Diego Comic-Con, hopefully you can come join us and bask in the chaos that they inevitably always are. Hope to see you there! Laura, we have some updates from the merch side of things.

LAURA: Yes, we do!

TALIESIN: Yeah.

LAURA: Okay, to commemorate– you may have seen this online already, to commemorate the one year--

TALIESIN: One year anniversary, yes.

LAURA: Yeah, of dear Mollymauk's, we have this fabulous shirt. You want to hold it up? Designed by our friend and artist Caemie, I hope I'm saying that right, Caemiel. @Caemil on Twitter. It's spelled fun, check it out on our Twitter for find out exactly, go check it out.

MATT: @C-A-E-M-I-E-L.

LAURA: There you go.

TALIESIN: It's an amazing piece, I'm so pleased with it.

LAURA: It's so beautiful and if you zoom in, you can see sparkles. It's on the shop, go check it out. It's on pre-order right now in both the US and the UK at the same time. Then, in addition to this, we have our Pride shirt still available. That is in the UK shop now and so in addition to what we did here in America, in the UK for the month of July, all profits are going to go to OutRight International.

SAM: Yes. Awesome.

TRAVIS: Yeah.

MARISHA: Super great.

LAURA: And I want that shirt.

TALIESIN: It's so nice, I'm so excited.

LAURA: There you go.

MATT: Thank you, Laura. Really quick, before we get started on tonight's game, just want to take a moment to remind each and every one of you to love each other, both online and off, as much as we love you. It's important. So. Anyway. Without further ado.

SAM: I feel like I did something wrong.

MARISHA: I know!

MATT: Usually-- it's usually you, Sam. It's usually you. But, nevertheless, with that all being said, let's go ahead and jump into tonight's episode–

(ascending slide whistle)

(laughter)

Now he's in trouble. --of Critical Role.

(descending slide whistle)