A Game of Names/Transcript

Pre-Show
MATT: Welcome to tonight's episode of Critical Role, where a bunch of us nerdy-ass voice actors sit around and play Dungeons & Dragons. TRAVIS: We play Dungeons & Dragons! MATT: Nice try. Before we jump into tonight's game, we have some quick announcements to get through. First and foremost, we have our fantastic returning sponsor, for the second year now with this campaign, our friends at D&D; Beyond. ALL: D&D; Beyond! SAM: Hi! (clears throat) Little tickle in my throat, sorry. Hi guys! As you all know, I am a bit of an amateur inventor. This is no news to you guys. TRAVIS: That's total news. SAM: Some of my most notable inventions have been the pet hot air balloon, the smell-over-Skype plugin, and of course the Nintendo Virtual Boy. But this new one I invented for our friends at D Beyond. It's an invention that I made-- LAURA: Oh god. SAM: I call it the D&D; Beyond Merciri. It's all the organizational power of D&D; Beyond in a tricked-out smart speaker, with a helpful voice that some of you might recognize. I'll demonstrate it for you right now, guys, okay? Merciri, what's the best way to organize your D&D; characters and campaigns? MATT: (VO as Merciri) "That's simple. It's D&D; Beyond." SAM: Hey, see, it works! Merciri, tell me about the halfling race. MATT: "Standing three feet tall, halflings are adept at hiding, avoiding conflict, and have remarkable luck. They are a typically happy race, sort of the opposite of goblins. Ew, goblins. Goblins are super gross. Seriously." SAM: Okay, Merciri, cancel. Merciri, who's the best player on Critical Role? MATT: "Accessing data. The answer is Travis Willingham." TRAVIS: (triumphant yelling) SAM: Okay. That's fine. Merciri, who's the smartest player on Critical Role? MATT: "Taliesin Jaffe. He has 4000 years of knowledge." SAM: That's true, that is true. Okay, fine. Merciri, who are the top three cast members on Critical Role by popularity? MATT: "Number one, Travis Willingham. Number two, a tie between Marisha Ray, Laura Bailey, Ashley Johnson, Liam O'Brien, Taliesin Jaffe, and Matthew Mercer. Number three, Maxwell James." (laughter) SAM: Okay, he's not in the cast. There's some bugs. Fine, Merciri, could you please list the most handsome male cast members, with a beard, who are not Taliesin, Liam, or Sam? MATT: "Wil Wheaton, Khary Payton--" SAM: Fuck you. Wait, can you do that list one more time, Merciri? MATT: "Wil Wheaton, Khary Payton, Will Friedle, Marisha Ray." SAM: Yeah, so she doesn't even have a beard, Merciri. MATT: "It doesn't matter. She's an amazing, talented woman and she should be on every list." SAM: That's true. Okay. Merciri, roll a d20 for me. MATT: "You rolled a one." LAURA: Aww. SAM: Merciri, roll another d20 for me. MATT: "You rolled a one." SAM: Fuck you. MARISHA: Merciri, roll a d20. MATT: "You rolled a natural 20." SAM: Oh my fucking god! TRAVIS: Burn it down! SAM: Well, I guess it's back to the drawing board, guys. Let's wrap this up: Merciri, could you tell the people where they can find D&D; Beyond? MATT: "Just visit dndbeyond.com, or, if you don't have a computer, just tweet your D&D;-related question directly to Matthew Mercer's Twitter account. He promises to respond to you within three hours." SAM: Okay, thank you. Thank you, guys. Look for this in stores soon. LAURA: Fabulous. MATT: Thank you, Sam. SAM: And thank you, Merciri. LAURA: That sounded just like Matt! That is so weird. SAM: It did! I'm a good inventor! MARISHA: Is this because of the Facetime error? TRAVIS: Wow. LIAM: Splice it all together. MATT: Thank you, Sam, and thank you, our friends at D&D; Beyond. We kicked off our second season of Between the Sheets this past week with our fantastic friend Logic, Bobby. It was a great interview. You can check out the VOD at youtube.com/criticalrole, and we'll be chatting next monday with Quyen Tran, which is our wonderful Sam Riegel's wife. The amazing, accomplished director of photography for all of television and film, and a genuine badass. You'll watch it and be like, "Sam?" And you know what? He'll agree. (laughter) TRAVIS: True. MATT: But yeah, so check it out. It's 7:00pm Pacific Time at twitch.tv/criticalrole. SAM: I'll be in the chat saying, "I know, right?" The whole time. MATT: Laura, you have some merch updates, I believe. LAURA: Oh, do I! You guys may have noticed, right here, on one Sam Riegel, the beautiful Whispered One-- ooh, look at those pecs! SAM: I'll do the Travis thing, ready? LAURA: I think the shirt enhances them. LIAM: The nose hole is right in his sternum! LAURA: Ooh, beep-beep-beep. This is designed by Lauryn Ipsum, who also designed the cover on the artbook, if you might have noticed. That's in the store right now. I mean, is it in the store right now? Hold on, it might just be preorder. It's in the store right now! You guys, in the UK, it's going to the UK on February 21st, I think, or the end of February, something like that. Speaking of February 21st, the other thing I need to tell you about is our art prints that are on pre-order right now. Can we bring out Vox Machina? SAM: No, we have them here? MARISHA: Bring them out! LAURA: This is our beautiful-- SAM: Whoa! LAURA: I know! SAM: It's bigger than everyone. LAURA: These were designed by Matteo Scalera and Moreno Dinisio, and they're phenomenal. SAM: Is there another one? LAURA: Yeah, well, there's also-- SAM: Oh shit! LAURA: Wait for it. TRAVIS: Be careful with it, don't rush it! Don't rush it, it's too nice! LAURA: No, but this one is super unique. SAM: We're taking this one to Kinko's later to make copies. LAURA: Yeah. (gasps) The Mighty Nein! You can order these for pre-order in these kind, and also signed versions are available as well. Those are being on pre-order until February 21st at midnight, 11:59pm Pacific Time, that's our time. LIAM: Matteo is a mad genius. SAM: He's really good. LAURA: I mean, they're gorgeous. These are on really nice art paper. You guys may remember our David Mack art prints that we did. It's similar paper. It's actually even nicer paper than it was before. MARISHA: Yeah, it's not slicky poster paper; it's-- LAURA: Badass. Yeah. I love you, and that's what's available in the store. As well as other things, you know. TRAVIS: Can we get copies of that after the show? LAURA: Maybe. Oh, and, you know, you can go to our US shop at shop.critrole.com, and our UK shop, shop.critrole.co.uk. Dot...nothing else, that's it. MATT: Thank you, Laura. Final announcements tonight. This is an important final announcement: we're actually taking a week off from Critical Role next Thursday, February 7th, and Talks Machina will also go dark that Tuesday, February 12th. We'll be back on Thursday, February 14th at 7:00pm Pacific with Critical Role, so we'll see you guys then. I believe that's it and all, as far as the announcements are concerned. TRAVIS: No! Not ready! MATT: That being the case, it's time to jump in to tonight's episode of Critical Role. [water bubbling] [thunder] [explosion] (chanting) Role! Critical! Role! [dramatic Critical Role theme] LAURA: Roll the dice! (singing) The adventure begins, they were always beside you, your nerdy best friends, and the DM to guide you. And they rise from the flames for the battles ahead. Villains beware 'cause you're about to be dead. ASHLEY: (singing) They got magic and flair, they got falchions and cunning. They don't see over there there's a monster incoming. Inspiration is waiting, rise up, don't think twice. Put your fate in your hands, take a chance, roll the dice! (chanting) Role! Critical! Role! ASHLEY and LAURA: (singing) Can you answer the call? Diggin' deep in your soul as the legend unfolds. Now it's your turn to roll! [fire burning]

Part I
MATT: And welcome back. (laughter) SAM: I love it when you abandon it halfway through the word. TRAVIS: The laziest bail! Wow. MATT: I salute you, Laura Bailey. MARISHA: Not even ten seconds. TRAVIS: Crash and burn. MATT: So, last we left off, the Mighty Nein had found their way back from the Menagerie Coast to check in with some friends and the general chaos brewing, based on the conflict between the empire and the Kryn Dynasty. Upon traveling, making your way towards the city of Felderwin, a city involved with Nott's history, you discovered that this apothecary that had burned to the ground belonged to a male halfling, who has now gone missing, and discovered that Nott had a little boy. After learning about Nott's history, learned more than that. You learned that Nott at one point was indeed a halfling. Through a vengeful plot by the goblins that stalk the southeastern regions of the empire's Marrow Valley, she managed to help her family escape, but was drowned and then reincarnated by some sort of a hooded power figure that had an alliance with these goblins, it seemed. Brought back as a goblin and has been living as such for the better part of two years now. Upon asking around the city and getting some information, you discovered that the husband of Nott, or Veth, if you will, has been apparently taken by the Kryn, and had some involvement with his alchemical studies with the Cerberus Assembly and this study of dunamis. You acquired a few objects from a subterranean basement laboratory that was mostly trashed, apparently in the razing of the city. You then decided to go and inspect the tunnels where these Kryn emerged from. One of them apparently was still somewhat intact. Deciding to not be balked by a sheer wall of stone and rock, Jester proceeded to twice Polymorph herself into a dire honey badger and burrow her way through hundreds and hundreds of feet of rock, emerging on the rest of this uncollapsed burrowed tunnel of a large worm creature they had used to attack, without warning, the city of Felderwin. As you, the Mighty Nein, had made your way beyond that boundary and began to step into this subterranean cavern system, stalking and seeking the path that these individuals took here, beneath the surface, we begin tonight's game. First off, how would you like to prepare? What is your marching order? Let me know what your plan is now, going in to the sheer, dark underground beneath the Marrow Valley. TRAVIS: I love it when you can hear the DM's frustration in the retelling of the story. LAURA: Going, like, you guys are being really stupid. MATT: Not frustration. TRAVIS: No! TALIESIN: I would like to know which one of you is hitting the rotating knives first, is what he is-- MATT: They're not knives. LAURA: Maybe it's not the smartest idea for us to do this, is all. TRAVIS: Yeah, maybe we should just leave. What do you think? Pack up and go. SAM: But my husband. TRAVIS: Mm. SAM: We spent three months searching for your backstory. (laughter) TRAVIS: I'm good. Y'know. It was only a joke, Nott, sorry. Terrible timing. We should push on. SAM: I hear in Xhorhas, they have a captain there who has lots of eyeballs that you can ingest into your body. TRAVIS: Really? SAM: Yes. TRAVIS: Lots of eyeballs? SAM: Lots of golden eyeballs that you can put in your belly. TRAVIS: Sounds like a magic place. This fucker. TALIESIN: I just figured that out, okay. Not even kidding. SAM: All right, what are we preparing? MATT: Well, first off, a marching order. These tunnels here can range between brief bits of cavern and open chambers to following this carved worm tunnel, which is about ten feet wide and is cylindrical. You can have at most two people shoulder-to-shoulder going through each place. I would like to know, for the majority of this journey-- and tell me when you want to change it up at any point-- I want to know what your marching order is, traveling through here. TRAVIS: Who has the best darkvision, I would imagine. We should have-- MARISHA: I have put on my goggles, for sure. TRAVIS: I have 60. LAURA: I have 60 as well. SAM: Me too, but I'm not very perceptive. LAURA: I am decently perceptive; how about you? TALIESIN: I'm very perceptive, but I can't see in the dark. LAURA: Oh, no! Really, Caduceus? TRAVIS: The two clerics do not go shoulder-to-shoulder. TALIESIN: No, we should probably keep a little bit of distance. LAURA: I'll stay next to you, Fjord, in the front. MARISHA: Can octopuses see in the dark? If you do the facemask thing? LIAM: That's not happening here. He is a cat. No, but I have this rag over one of my-- it's dim, but maybe you and I can stand near the middle. TALIESIN: I'll stick with you. All right. MATT: We have Caleb and Caduceus towards the center. MARISHA: I guess I'll go up front. TRAVIS: Well, you got shitty darkvision. Oh, but you got the goggles. And who are you with? Nott? MARISHA: No one's called a partner yet. SAM: I'll go with you. TALIESIN: Also we should probably have Yasha up front as well. LAURA: Good call. TRAVIS: Darkvision for Yasha-- TALIESIN: Probably not. MATT: Go look. TRAVIS: 60 feet. MATT: There you go. Yasha and Beau at the front. Behind that, Caleb and Caduceus. Who's behind them? LAURA: I think it was going to be me and Fjord at the front. Are you perceptive? TRAVIS: Decent. MATT: So Fjord and Jester at the front. Then, Nott, you're taking the back? SAM: I'm with Marisha-- I mean Beau. Wherever she is. MATT: So then where's Yasha? LAURA: Yasha can be at the back. SAM: Yasha's in the back. Sorry, Matt. MATT: Don't apologize. It's okay, we're figuring this out. LAURA: Will Nugget fit by Yasha? MATT: Okay, yeah, if you would like to have taken your-- LAURA: Where else will I put him, you know? TRAVIS: I don't know, maybe outside of the tunnel? Back at the place where we were? LAURA: Where would they stay? MATT: I don't have the mini on me at the moment. I can do that at the break. However, as you've worked out your grouping, traveling through these tunnels, you go on for an hour, two hours. Those at the front, which would be you two, I'd like you both to make a perception check, please. TRAVIS: I will give you advantage. MATT: So you're helping. TRAVIS: Helping, yeah. LAURA: Okey dokey. That would be 19. MATT: Keeping a watch as you guys progress, the faint perpetual decline goes deeper and deeper beneath the earth. The rushing sounds of the underground river that seems to be walking alongside this passageway slowly fades as you see the river now pass beneath stone, the cavern come to an end, and the entrance of the next portion of the tunnel where the worm creature had to burrow into this chamber. There are natural pockets of cavernous areas here, but a lot of them aren't connected except for by this particular burrowed tunnel. So that's probably going to be the path you're going to be looking for wherever you're traveling. LAURA: Okay. I have a question, you guys. I've got this super-secret dodecahedron thingy in my bag that Yussa specifically said that we should not be bringing near anything and stuff, and now we're taking it right to the source. Do you think that's a bad idea? TRAVIS: Well, as a bit of clarification, I think we weren't supposed to use it, right? Anything that would activate it and send off energy. I think as long as it's in the other dimension that is her bag, it's okay, right? LAURA: Right, unless they capture me and flip my bag inside out, and then they have it, yeah. TALIESIN: It would still be in a big metal case until they really went through. LIAM: Yeah, but we need to weigh the risks we are facing, and Nott's husband. SAM: Where would we put it otherwise? LAURA: I don't know. LIAM: There are also people behind us topside who'd kill us for this, as well. SAM: Where's the tripod and stuff right now? LAURA: It's in my bag as well. I've got the whole setup going. TRAVIS: You've got the gun and the clip. The only way they're going to grab it and turn it out is if most of us are dead, right? LAURA: Right, and we're only fighting an entire army of soldiers, so it probably won't happen that we will die. SAM: We don't know that. It might be very nice there. LAURA: That's true. Yasha, you think it'll be nice? MATT: Yasha stares ahead for a moment and goes, "Having been to places like the coast, "it's not very nice." SAM: Let's just make sure you don't get captured and your bag doesn't get grabbed. TALIESIN: No harm in focusing on the positive. TRAVIS: That's right. TALIESIN: Nothing we can do about it. MARISHA: So we're going to come to a conclusion later, maybe? SAM: We're just looking on the bright side of things. TALIESIN: We can't make a plan until we know what we're up against. LAURA: That's true. LIAM: If we are lucky, we will overtake them before we return to their home. TALIESIN: And if they're too much, then we'll just get what information we can, maybe sneak in while they're sleeping, and scurry out with what we need with no harm, no problem. MARISHA: I have no idea what we're talking about. TRAVIS: Let's push forward. LAURA: What's in this pocket o' cavern? Anything cool? MATT: Rolling your perception, you don't see anything aside from the natural formations. There's the smell of hard water and wet earth that permeates the entirety of this chamber, and continuing on for quite some time. The natural chambers and pathways here are chained together by these tunnels, but within them, it doesn't look, from anything you've seen so far is lived in. You don't see signs of any other creatures making homes or nests. You do see bits of quartz-like crystal forming from gathered minerals over time. TALIESIN: I really like it. LAURA: Yeah, it's pretty. MATT: A series of stalactites and stalagmites that find their way through the-- see? Thank you guys, for your help. LAURA: T. Top. MATT: Yes. Just keep giving me suggestions. Really figured it out. It's not condescending at all. LAURA: Are there footprints on the ground? MATT: Make a survival check. TALIESIN: We did find some earlier. MATT: Yeah, the previous tunnel. LAURA: 15? MATT: Yeah, based on looking at the ground here, which is mostly packed dirt and general loose pieces of pebbles, and things that were pushed and ground around by the creature that made its way through the area. In its wake you can see familiar footfalls, similar to the shape that you'd previously seen that didn't match the rest of the crownsguard and/or the Righteous Brand that existed in the vicinity of Felderwin. You do notice the trail, the tracks, of the Kryn warriors that had exited, and it does lead and follow the burrowing path of the worm. LAURA: How big of a trail is the worm thing? Is it like this? Is it like this? MATT: It's about ten feet wide. Eight to ten feet wide. LAURA: Cool! So we're fighting these guys and a giant worm creature that is ten feet in width, so he's probably kind of long. TRAVIS: Probably. And we've got lots of room to maneuver in these caverns. SAM: Are you scared? LAURA: I mean, I'm not going to lie, Nott. I am a little bit nervous. MARISHA: I think I would be a little more confident if we had a vague idea of a plan? Don't get me wrong, super down to fly by the seat of my pants. That type of girl. But sneaking in, killing people in the middle of the night, two armies, fight, getting captured-- these all sound like real big stories. LIAM: I have a question for you, Jester. You know how you have just turned yourself into the oversized honey badger? LAURA: Yeah. LIAM: Could you do that to a giant worm, but, say, turn it into a cow? LAURA: Well, yeah, remember what I did to-- Oh you weren't-- Remember when I turned that dragon into that little thing? That's what I could do to a worm, I guess. I did that to the dragon before you came in, you know, when we almost died. LIAM: Ja. Rather than trying to whack away at a gigantic worm, maybe you just make it harmless, but not so little that it loses its new form. LAURA: Good call. TALIESIN: Like a goat, maybe. LIAM: Yeah, a goat. LAURA: Yeah. Or something maybe like a sparrow or something, so it will fly away. MARISHA: I like that better. Goats are weird. Square pupils. SAM: Or a firefly. We could catch it in a jar. LIAM: I think something small is likely to get smacked and taken out of its newer form. It would need to be something that could take a bit of punishment. LAURA: Like a dire honey badger. LIAM: Like that. Or a cow. SAM: See? Look, Beau, we have a plan. MARISHA: Encounter worm-- SAM and MARISHA: Turn into a cow. SAM: Profit. TRAVIS: You know, dire honey badgers got claws and stuff. Maybe a dire sheep. LAURA: Ooh, that's good, I like that, Fjord. TRAVIS: Yeah, anyway. MARISHA: I think they still have square pupils. TRAVIS: It'll hit you in the moment. I got a feeling. TALIESIN: Is that true? LAURA: Also, though, I can't do that until we sleep, but I don't think we're going to run into them today, right? Because they're probably really far ahead of us, because they got a two week lead? TRAVIS: Totally. TALIESIN: Stop laughing, DM. That's not funny. MATT: No, roll a nature check. TRAVIS: What are you rolling for? SAM: Yeah, just roll a nature check. It's fine. LIAM: Everybody's doing it. TALIESIN: That's an eight. My nature sucks. MATT: You have no idea if sheep's pupils are square. TALIESIN: Okay, thank you. I didn't need to roll to know that. MATT: All right. TRAVIS: We press on. MATT: You push on? What little light you have shoving back the darkness, via the dull orb that Caleb is carrying in the center of the heart of your traveling troupe, you leave that first winding cavern and begin to continue down the burrowed hallway created by this worm. It stretches on for a mile, two miles, five miles... MARISHA: Can I keep a lookout to see if there's any markings on the walls? Any signs of directional type of code or language? While we're walking. MATT: Sure. Make a perception check. LAURA: Traps, too. SAM: Traps? No, they wouldn't think anyone would be following them. They covered up the thing with 200 feet of earth and rocks. MARISHA: 19. MATT: Walking along, the things you do notice is the stone and earth seems fairly smooth, the way it's pushed through, but getting up close you can see tiny little scrapes or hooks, where you gather is probably how the creature manages to break through and push its way through, through expanding and contracting muscles within its long body, and these spine or scale-like protrusions that dig in and pull it along rather quickly underground. Beyond figuring out the locomotion of this entity, this creature, you don't, along this part of the journey at least yet, see any signs of purposeful markings, essentially. Continuing on for the next five to six hours, still following this tunnel, starting to get a little tired. TALIESIN: At some point we do need to rest. LAURA: I wonder if there's another big pocket o' cavern coming up, or if we have to sleep in this little tunnel? TRAVIS: I forget what time we entered into the tunnel. What time of day was it? MATT: If I recall, it was somewhere around midday, a little after noon. TRAVIS: We could push on for another hour or two, but we really should-- TALIESIN: Mr. Caleb, what time is it? LIAM: Well, I will tell you. MATT: I'd say at this time, it's probably close to dusk on the surface. Fucking feat. TRAVIS: You fucking feat. LIAM: It's in the book. MATT: I know it's in the book! SAM: We're in the bored-out tunnel that the worm made, right? There's no water near us, because we passed water on the way in. MATT: You passed water in the first cavern that you went through. That lasted for maybe about a mile or so. The bulk of it weaving through where a lot of the water passing through that river carved through the rock over time, but then eventually that trailed off, and this burrow was the only other path to take. You've been there for a number of hours now. SAM: You know that thing where you've gone so far that you can't really-- we can't turn around, can we? It feels like it would be a waste of a day. We've got to keep going. TRAVIS: Absolutely. LAURA: Mm-hmm. MATT: You keep pressing on. All right. A few more hours pass. People at the front, roll perception checks for me, please? LAURA: Again? TRAVIS: I'll help. MARISHA: I have a question for Caduceus. LAURA: 17. MATT: Good to know. You had a question for Caduceus, you said? MARISHA: Cad, do you have any idea how far underground we are? TALIESIN: Nope. MARISHA: Okay. That was my question. (laughter) TRAVIS: Succinct. TALIESIN: So glad it's one I can answer. MATT: You continue on for another hour or so. You do come to another chamber, but it's only about 30 by 20 feet wide, and it's a heavy geode. It looks like there are a locked piece, a pocket of old, stale air that was opened up as this worm burrowed through. You can see broken crystals of many beautiful colors, a lot of them milky white, quartz-like, a few that are almost a purple amethyst tint to it. TALIESIN: I'm going to cast Light behind the crystal. MATT: It's a beautiful prism. As you see, the entire room is a scattering of shades of purple, pink, and, strangely, orange. It refracts the light in a way you haven't seen before, and for the moment, this dark ominous space becomes this beautiful disco. TALIESIN: I couldn't help myself. LAURA: Magical things live here, I bet. MARISHA: I've heard of faery creatures. I bet they live-- TALIESIN: I'm listening very carefully to see if anything, any noise is coming from the next room. MATT: Make a perception check. TALIESIN: With advantage-- no, just perception. MATT: Just a perception check. TALIESIN: That is a 19. MATT: You take a moment and listen to the quiet. No sound. No vibration. TALIESIN: Kill the light again. LAURA: Kill it? Why would you kill it? TALIESIN: We'll turn it back on, but I-- LAURA: It was so beautiful! TRAVIS: We are going to rest, right? I mean, might as well take advantage of such a nice place. LAURA: Yeah, let's sleep in here. Is the ground covered in crystal, too? MATT: Yes, on the edges of it. However, where the worm had burrowed through, there's a part of the ground that's digging into a divot. The interior of the geode's been carved out in that space. TALIESIN: Is there any part of the wall that is still stone and not crystal? MATT: There are small bits, maybe like two- or three-feet pockets, but a large portion of this little geode chamber is mostly covered in crystal. LIAM: Has any of the crystal been broken away by the worm's passage through here? MATT: Yes. Quite a bit of it has been cracked and broken. LIAM: Does any of it look of value as a rare stone? MATT: Make a nature check for me. SAM: You could tattoo with it. LAURA: Yeah, maybe. LIAM: 16. MATT: A lot of this appears to be natural crystal. It's not a particular gemstone or anything really precious, per se. You're sure you could probably-- there are uses for it. Some people like to use them as focuses for healing and for general decor. Simple, cheap jewelry can be made from this as well. SAM: Vivid dreams, man! MATT: Yeah, there you go. LIAM: I'm going to scoop up a handful of them. LAURA: Me too, me too! It's pretty. SAM: Me three. MATT: Okay. You're not sure what the worth is. You haven't delved in the realm of selling or purchasing crystals in the street before, but you imagine, depending on the person, you could probably get a little bit of coin for it. TALIESIN: I can carve out a chunk of wall if we want to put your little dome inside. LIAM: Make it the same color as the crystals that are here, and then I can also set an Alarm around us. MARISHA: It's see-through on the inside, right? LIAM: For us, yeah, but not from the outside. TALIESIN: Oh, so in that case, that's pretty cool, then. I'll-- LIAM: I can camouflage it to match this room. TALIESIN: Once you build it, I'll use Stone Shape to cover it, then, so you can give it a little bit of a shell. LIAM: Yeah, so it's not such a perfect, round surface. MATT: What are you doing? TALIESIN: Once he puts up the dome, the shack, I'm going to use Stone Shape to cover it really quickly with a thin layer of rock to make it look... TRAVIS: Earthen? TALIESIN: Earthen. It's not like five feet thick of rock, but a couple inches to blanket it. MATT: Yeah. You couldn't cover the entire dome, but you could definitely create a portion of it that's in a shell. TALIESIN: It's going to have a faux front. LIAM: If we leave an area where we can pop our heads out if need be. TALIESIN: Oh, yeah, it's going to be an opening. LIAM: Did you say you were going to carve a hole to put it inside of, or should I make it against the side of the chamber? TALIESIN: Probably put it against so we can see what's behind. I don't know, what do you think? TRAVIS: Backs against a wall are always safe. LAURA: This is true. I agree with Fjord. LIAM: Okay. TALIESIN: I'm going to pull the rock that I used for that front from the wall, and I'm going to give us a couple feet in, if that's possible, just to push something. I've been looking at Stone Shape and what it'll do. MATT: You essentially diffuse element of that rock away from it to create the shell on the opposite side. Totally doable. You create a hut? LIAM: I take out my book, and I slap it down on the stone surface of this chamber we are in. I take about ten minutes, and then there is a hemisphere that is the same color as the chamber around us. As soon as that is done, I then take out the silver thread, and I start making a little white picket fence that's not actually a picket fence in front of that. MATT: You guys take your evening's rest. LAURA: Wait! I'm going to use Sending. I'm going to send a message to Yussa, and I'm going to say-- shit, I didn't have time to write it out. Hello! It's Jester. We're bringing that dodecahedron with us. We're on our way to... (whispering) I can't remember the name of the-- SAM: Xhorhas. LAURA: Xhorhas. Do you think it's dangerous? Should we not? SAM: Is that it? TRAVIS: Five more. LAURA: Please respond to this message. TRAVIS: Wow. SAM: Getting good at this. LAURA: Yeah, right? MATT: There's a pause. Then the voice comes through, "Well, I would say it is not advised to "give it up, to pull it out of your bag. But who am I to keep you from taking an artifact "into the heart of danger?" LAURA: I think he's cool with it. SAM: We're making the right choice. TRAVIS: This is 100% what we're supposed to be doing. MATT: You have a high enough wisdom to know that there was a hint of biting sarcasm to his statement, but interpret that as you will. LAURA: Mm-hmm. Yeah. TRAVIS: Confirmation. We're doing good. MATT: Now, is everyone taking a comfortable evening's rest within the hut? TRAVIS: Do we want to take watches? We're pretty safe, right? SAM and TALIESIN: No watch needed. LAURA: I mean, unless somebody wants to keep a watch and make sure nothing comes by. TALIESIN: That's what the thread-- the thread will wake us if it-- MATT: You do have a pretty decent setup, between the Tiny Hut and the Alarm threads. TRAVIS: Let's all try it. Everybody's sleeping. LAURA: Get a good night's sleep. Can you put a night light on, though, because it's really pretty. MARISHA: Ooh. LIAM: I also send Frumpkin out of the hut to sit in the shadows of the chamber, and I tell him to come and wake me up if he hears anything coming further than the perimeter of the alarm. MATT: Okay. You guys all find yourself to rest here, deep beneath the surface of Exandria. For some of you, dreams come. For some of you, no, it's a clean sleep-to-wake experience, until eventually, you slowly come to consciousness, feeling rested, though strange to not have a day or night cycle. Nothing has changed from your experience. You feel like you've rested, but have you? It could have been an hour; it could have been eight hours. Being this far beneath the surface for an extended period of time is going to be a little strange for those of you who have not had that experience, which is all of you. LIAM: Legitimate question, because I don't want to dick with the story you're weaving, but does Keen Mind cut through that? MATT: You would know-- that's a good question. Let me look it up real fast. TRAVIS: Look how pretty that book is. God. Sexy. SAM: It really is sexy. MATT: "You always know the number of hours left before the next sunrise or sunset." I'd say, yeah, you'd be able to tell everyone. Even just informing everyone of the time, it's still-- LIAM: It won't mean anything to them. They'll be-- MATT: You can say it and be like: Oh yeah, guys, it's 9:00 in the morning! You're like: cool. No issues. Nothing has changed. Frumpkin did not notice anything out of the ordinary. As the hut comes to a close, and you step out from behind the somewhat created stone shell placed by Caduceus, the tunnel is yours. TALIESIN: Lighting it up again because it's nice. SAM: On we go! LIAM: Frumpkin also skips up Nott's back and snuggles in, grips her clothing with her claws-- his claws, damn my original cat-- and scarfs around Nott's neck. MATT: You got it. As Frumpkin keeps you warm in the throat region, you all continue onward. Same order? TRAVIS: Mm-hmm. MATT: Those helming the charge at the front, either each take an individual perception check, or you may help for advantage. LAURA: Go for it? Okay, okay, okay. LIAM: Mage Armor. MATT: Mage Armor, yeah, good call. LAURA: 19 again. MATT: Nice. A few more miles of winding tunnel continue before you, and it's a very trying, monotonous experience, where it's lengths of time and travel where there's no real change in topography. Slight variations as it winds in this natural shifting with the physicality of the creature that burrowed it, but it's this cylindrical of stone and earth for hours and hours, until you catch the next first glimpse of another chamber opening before you. LAURA: Do I see any movement in it? MATT: You do not see any movement. As you get a little closer, you can begin to see the interior of the chamber near where it opens up inside. The air here is already pretty chilly, here beneath the surface. The air has more moisture to it than the tunnel you've been traveling through. You can smell a bit of that heavy mineral subterranean water scent. You listen in for a second, and you can hear the subtle dripping of condensation, probably from the ceiling, which means there's probably a nearby water source somewhere in the vicinity. There is a chamber that opens up ahead of you. LAURA: There's a chamber ahead of us. SAM: Oh my god! LAURA: It sounds wet, Nott. SAM: No! LAURA: I know. I know. SAM: Ah! LAURA: I didn't think we'd have to deal with a water issue down here. SAM: Well, you said it sounds wet? What does that even mean? LAURA: There could be an underground river. I don't know. SAM: Or it could just be wet. TRAVIS: (dripping water noises) LAURA: Or yeah, it could be that. Or it could be a water monster. SAM: Or Fjord could be dicking around with his cheek trick. TRAVIS: Sorry, was I throwing you? LAURA: When we approach it, I'm going to cast Pass Without a Trace on all of us, and we'll approach it stealthily. What do you guys think about that? SAM: Yes, yes, yes! Good idea. LAURA: Okay. We're approaching it stealthily. MATT: Roll stealth checks for me, please. SAM, LAURA, and MARISHA: Stealth checks! SAM: Don't fuck me, Gil. TRAVIS: Natural 20! LAURA: Add ten. TRAVIS: 30. MATT: Pass Without a Trace. Good call. LAURA: Oh, what, is everybody going? TALIESIN: Yeah, we already did it. TRAVIS: 30. TALIESIN: 21. MARISHA: 31. LAURA: 24. SAM and LIAM: 30. MATT: Did you roll for Yasha as well? TRAVIS: Oh, balls and anus. Here you go. 22. No! LAURA: Plus ten? TRAVIS: 24. MATT: Moving into the chamber as it opens in, you can see this area has quite a heavy clustering of stalagmites and stalactites all across the interior of this chamber. It opens up maybe 40 or so feet wide, and it seems to curve around this large bend. Elements of it rise. While you do not see a river, looking up at where the water's dripping from, you get the sense there might be a large body of water not that far above. Elements of the groundwater are trickling through, and elements are gathering to create the interior of this chamber. TALIESIN: I did not prepare for that. LAURA: What would be above us? TRAVIS: Oh, a river, pond. TALIESIN: There was a river. MARISHA: Underwater water source? LAURA: Yeah, where are we? We could figure out where we are. Where's the map? LIAM: We've been traveling for miles, though. LAURA: Yeah, but we know which direction we're going. LIAM: That's true, I know which way is north. It's that way. MATT: Yes. You know where north is. LAURA: We're under the big river then, maybe. MATT: You don't have a GPS, per se, but you know where north is. LIAM: No, but the whole time we've been walking, I've been conscious of which direction north is in. MATT: Right, so you have a vague idea. You've been traveling for a day from Felderwin, right? So it's about, say, 24 miles in a day. You'd be about there. This vicinity here, so you're right in this vicinity. TRAVIS: Yep, big-ass body of water. Big enough to show up on a map. MATT: There are the heavy stalagmites and rock protrusions from the ground that litter the interior of the chamber as it curves off to the side. TALIESIN: Well, that's a good sign. That means that this is at least a natural cavern, which means it's been here for a long time, and whatever's above hasn't disturbed it. LAURA: Good point. TALIESIN: That's good. That's a good sign. LIAM: From where we are-- I don't know if I can, because I can only see from this little bit of dim light, but where from this chamber the worm continued on straight through? MATT: You cannot see where the worm went through. LIAM: Can't see the other side? MATT: Can't see the other side. It looks like the worm, when it entered this chamber-- you don't see in your vicinity where it may have continued to burrow. LAURA: Oh, we have to find it. MATT: You get the sense that maybe this creature, and the people that were steering it, were leading it through whatever open chambers were possible, and then only burrowing when there was no continuation. LIAM: Maybe gave it a run-around in here, like a dog in a dog park. LAURA: I guess we should search around and see if we can find a hole in the wall. TALIESIN: Yeah, I'm going to have a little light and see if I can find any tracks or anything for this thing, or any other footprints. MATT: Make a survival check. MARISHA: I look to see if there's any signs of life, any humans that have been here before, people. MATT: You're looking for...? MARISHA: Signs of life or signs that people have been here before? TRAVIS: Biped signs of life? LAURA: Follow their path or something? MARISHA: Yeah, campfires that have been extinguished. MATT: Okay, so both of you are looking for essentially signs of things. LAURA: I will look for a hole in the wall. MATT: Okay. Perception check and then survival check from each of you. TALIESIN: I got a 21. MATT: 21? Okay. SAM: You got this. MARISHA: 11. SAM: You don't got this. LAURA: Nein! Wait, plus-- 14! MATT: That's better. All right. Looking around, you continue to see the footfalls, the footprints along the patches of ground where it seems like dirt and dust has been settled in areas that are a little bit wet from the moisture in the air. You can see some of these grimy recesses in the muck and the dirt that is similar to the footfalls you've already seen in previous chambers of what appears to be of the Kryn. You can see some of the stone formations in the ground. Two of them appear to be broken and pushed over where it looks like the creature may have shoved its way through. It goes around the edge and then curves up out of sight. You can try to continue to look in that direction, but from what you can see the vicinity, that's the path it's taking. You were looking for...? LAURA: Holes in the walls. MATT: Holes in the wall? All right. Looking around the vicinity, you don't see any holes in the wall. You do see there are elements in the rock where there are cracks and you can see where small bits of water are slowly dribbling through and then (dripping). LAURA: I bet the rock formations in this room are amazing. MATT: They're pretty decent. LAURA: That one looks like a fried egg, look at that. Do you see it? SAM: I do. LAURA: Looks like an egg on the top. Do you see? SAM: I do. And it's even a little bit yellow. You should probably paint a dick on it. LAURA: I probably should. SAM: I mean, you could tag the whole place. LAURA: (gasps) Oh my god, I should make this a temple to the Traveler! SAM: Yes! TRAVIS: Well, Jester, aren't temples better served by like, heavy foot traffic? You know-- LAURA: Yeah but think about how cool it would be if someone came down here and they were like "what's going on?" and then they find like-- SAM: It's a speakeasy. LAURA: Yeah, yeah, yeah! SAM: But it's like a pray-easy. LAURA: And then they like, they find it, they're going to be like: "That is like, so important. I must definitely worship this guy because..." And it will at least get one person you know, added-- SAM: You could be the bouncer. LIAM: Ja, but how much time do you need to dig up this cave? LAURA: I don't! I'm just going to... I'm going to paint, you know, a really nice picture of the Traveler. Then I'm going to use my paint-- my special paint-- and I'm going to make a nice little figurine of the Traveler. And I'll sit it on top of the best-looking rock formation that looks like it's definitely for him. I'm going to paint like, pretty things around him like sparkles and shit. MATT: Perfect. So you paint a little figure of the-- TRAVIS: We'll keep an eye on the entrance and exits. MATT: So you're watching the entrance-- TRAVIS: I'll go to over where we think from Beau's notes the creature seems to have gone. MATT: Okay. So yeah, as you walk over there, there is an area where it curves in then rises up a little bit. To the left, you can see a small pool of water where it's gathered and created this little tucked in the side pool, maybe five-foot by 15 feet. TALIESIN: Does it smell clean, is it clear? MATT: Go ahead and get close to it, it looks clear. It looks very-- TALIESIN: Can I see the bottom? MATT: You can see the bottom, it looks to be no more than have five, six feet deep. You can see where it continues up off to that side. Jester finishes painting the statue. You look around for somewhere to place it. There are a number of these larger rock formations, five, ten feet tall, eight-foot tall, little squat ones. What do you want? LAURA: I'm going to put it on the little squat one. MATT: Okay. LAURA: But then put some of the crystals that I got in my pocket, like around it. Then on the tall formation, I'm going to write "The Traveler is the tits! Worship him!" SAM: Nice. LAURA: Like, vertically. MATT: Perfect. All right. She's writing that down. You were at the front? TRAVIS: Mm-hmm. MATT: Who's watching the back? TALIESIN: I'll keep an eye on the back. MATT: All right. Perception check, both of you guys, just to make sure you're keeping watch. MARISHA: Just looking over his shoulder. TRAVIS: Nice. 20-- 20. No, 21. TALIESIN: 24. MATT: All right, you watch the distant path, the dark that continues curving up off to the side. You look over there. No movement. You're looking towards the tunnel where you guys came from. No movement. You hear the chuckles and look back at what they're doing. You see one of these stalagmites, these tendrils (slurping). Need to roll initiative. (yelling) MATT: Actually, only you need to roll initiative because they-- SAM: They? They? He? It? MATT and LAURA: They. MATT: Get a surprise round. TRAVIS: Oh no. SAM: We all took feats that make us immune to surprise, right? LAURA: Yeah, we all took Luck, right? We all took Luck? TRAVIS: 18 is pretty good, considering I have no initiative bonus. SAM and MARISHA: You have no initiative bonus? TRAVIS: No! SAM: What's wrong with you? TRAVIS: I don't know. Half-orcs. I don't know. SAM: Why am I rolling these weird dice today? TRAVIS: I could have taken a feat that would've given me, but-- LAURA: Oh see? Think about how-- ALL: Oh. TRAVIS: What is this thing?! LIAM: Ropers! SAM: This is a great map! LAURA: What are those things? TRAVIS: What is that sadistic Japanese traffic cone? LAURA: So wait, where are we putting the Traveler stuff? MATT: By this little tiny squat one. LAURA: Okay. LIAM: Oh my gosh. LAURA: Oh, it's so cool. SAM: They look like stalagmites! LIAM: We are in the kill zone, y'all. MATT: You were over on this side looking off this way. TRAVIS: Oh fucking balls. What is this? MATT: Nott, were you helping them out? SAM: No, I was hanging out with Beau. Wherever Beau is. MATT: Beau is right there. SAM: Yeah, sure. MATT: Yasha will be keeping an eye, not noticing. Caleb, where were you? LIAM: I would be by the largest grouping of people because I'm scared of everything. TRAVIS: (laughs) What the fuck is that? MATT: All right then. LIAM: This is real bad. TRAVIS: Is it? LIAM: Well... LAURA: No! It's real bad! LIAM: You don't know, I don't know. MATT: So. Initiative orders. 25 to 20. LAURA: Oh! I didn't roll... MATT: I just said roll initiative! LAURA: I know! But I thought you said don't because they got a surprise... MATT: Just so we have it. LAURA: Oh no, six... MATT: Okay. 25 to 20. MARISHA: 19. SAM: That's not 25 to 20. MARISHA: It's not, but no one else spoke up. MATT: It's fine. TRAVIS: 18 for Fjord. MATT: All right. 15 to ten. TRAVIS: Yasha got a 14. LIAM: 12 for Caleb. TALIESIN: 12 for me as well. SAM: 12 for me as well. LAURA: Lot of twelves. MARISHA: So Cad, Caleb, Nott. TALIESIN: This is going to be... SAM: It's going to be easy. MARISHA: I had a screamer earlier. MATT: Then we have Jester at the bottom. LAURA: I'm really distracted, you know, because I'm-- SAM: Painting. LAURA: I'm painting a beautiful-- MATT: So. Fjord. You go first. TRAVIS: I do? MATT: You're the only one who noticed them in this scenario. Because you were the one who's closest to the actual-- Caduceus is facing on the back side of the chamber. What are you doing? TRAVIS: Well I have a short moment of freak out as a rock formation grows fucking tentacles. MATT: Yep. Two of them. You see that one and go, "Shit! Shit!" And you see them both go (gurgling). TRAVIS: Since the rest of the group doesn't seem to have noticed them, I will charge up two Eldritch Blasts and send one in each direction. MATT: All righty. TRAVIS: Point both of them out. MATT: Go for it. Roll attacks for each. TRAVIS: I will do it. That is 16 to hit. MATT: It (poofing) just dissipates without effect across its rocky, armored surface. TRAVIS: Not good. Can I bonus action Hex the second one? MATT: Sure. TRAVIS: Before the other attack? MATT: Which one? This one? TRAVIS: Yeah. MATT: All right. TRAVIS: That'll at least help a little bit. 17. MATT: (poofing). No effect. You watch as the Eldritch energy, the green burst, just scatters across its rocky exterior. No impact. TRAVIS: Big trouble! SAM: What? MARISHA: What did you roll? TRAVIS: 17 didn't hit it. I'll come up on top of that platform and take a little bit of cover behind that-- Yeah. Just right there is good. I don't know what the fuck they do. SAM: Did we see these attacks fail? MATT: You all of a sudden heard a (poof) and you heard him shout as you turn around and saw Fjord shout, "Big trouble!" and then vanish behind a nearby rock. Like a hero. TRAVIS: Or a tactician! MATT: I know. In this moment of realization of what's happening, these two large stalagmites suddenly have a single eye that opens in the center, this burning red orange-ish eye with a vertical slit. The center of it opens up into this large, gaping mouth of sharpened teeth and a liquid tongue on the inside that's slimy-ing around. These four tendrils that unravel. So it's now their turn. It's going to move there. Five, ten. TRAVIS: (nervous laughter) SAM: They don't move fast, but-- oops. MATT: They shift, it looks like they're gliding, but there's thousands of tiny cilia underneath that just cause them to glide across the ground. This one on this end is going to go ahead and make three attacks. Each can make four tendril attacks. TRAVIS: Four?! MATT: Yes. So. LAURA: Oh my god, we're going to die. MARISHA: Oh, we might. SAM: No, you're going to die. MATT: Jester, that is a 21 to hit. LAURA: It hits me. MATT: All right. You are grappled. LAURA: Oh no. MATT: While you're grappled, you are restrained and have disadvantage on strength checks. There's one now to Beau. That's going to be a 14 to hit. MARISHA: Miss. MATT: Against Beau again, that's going to be a 25 to hit. MARISHA: Ah yeah. MATT: So you are grappled. MARISHA: Just grappled? MATT: Yep. SAM: Oh, okay, they don't hurt. LAURA: Maybe the next turn they will swallow us whole. SAM: I don't think so. TRAVIS: No evidence to support that. MATT: We'll say you're grappled, Beau. You're also grappled. I'm putting restrained there because you are technically restrained as well. Against Nott-- SAM: What, me? MATT: Yep. As it (whoosh) out that way, that one's going to be 17? SAM: Miss. MATT: Misses. You just duck underneath. The fourth one's going to swing out towards you as well. That's going to be a 20. SAM: Hit. MATT: You are also grappled. LAURA: Oh my god, wait, was that all just one creature attacking us or was that--? MATT: Correct. SAM: There's no save against this grapple? MATT: You can try and escape it. It's an action to try and escape from the grapple. You can still attack, but you're restrained, so you have disadvantage on your attacks. MARISHA: Strength check versus their strength check, if I remember correctly. MATT: It's your athletics or acrobatics, you choose. LAURA: Okay. MATT: Now it's going to go ahead and make a bite attack against Jester, because you're the closest one to it. Since you're restrained, it has advantage on the attack. It's a natural 20 and a three. So natural 20 it is. So that's going to be-- Ooh, oh no. LAURA: If I go unconscious right away-- SAM: It was a great game. LAURA: This was really fun, guys. TRAVIS: Stop rolling so many dice. LAURA: I went out doing what I love. SAM: Painting dicks? MATT: 34 points of piercing damage from the critical hit, as its tendril pulls you in towards its mouth, shoves your shoulder and the side of your neck into it, and it grinds down onto you. The armor pulls in and you can feel it piercing the back of your neck. Sharp pain arcs through your body. LAURA: (pained noises) TRAVIS: Maybe we get the fuck out of here? That was a big hit. MATT: This one here is going to go ahead and go for Caleb for an attack. LIAM: Yeah. MATT: That's going to be a 14 to hit? LIAM: Shield. MATT: Shield. (whoosh) It actually almost grabs you and in the last minute, you throw your hand up and an arcane barrier flashes in front and the tentacle gets knocked off limply. Yes? LAURA: Can I use my Hellish Rebuke? MATT: Yes, you may. LAURA: Okay. Is it okay? MATT: Go for it. LAURA: Ah, okay, okay, okay! MATT: He's got three more tendril attacks. LAURA: Oh, god! TRAVIS: Three more? MATT: Each round they get four each. TALIESIN: And a bite. MATT: Yep. TRAVIS: How about they fought in the last week and one of them is missing one? MATT: Haven't encountered adventurers in a while, buddy! TRAVIS: Like sharks in the wild and they've got battle damage, you know? MATT: I admire your creativity. TRAVIS: Okay. LAURA: 3d10 damage. MATT: 3d10 damage. As it bites into you, you angrily focus-- LAURA: (screams) Ooh, 19 points of cold damage. MATT: And what's its save? LAURA: Oh, it's a dex save. MATT: Dex save. Haha, a two. LAURA: Yes! TALIESIN: The damage seems to take? MATT: The damage definitely takes. (shattering) These ice crystals suddenly apparate around its mouth where it bit into Jester, and it seems to pull back a bit, its eye closes and winces with the impact. Now its other attacks. Its second attack against you, Caleb. That's going to be an 18 to hit. LIAM: Does not hit. MATT: Because the Shield's still up. LIAM: Yeah. MATT: Deflects the second attack. TALIESIN: Thank god. MATT: Third one's going to go for Caduceus. TALIESIN: Is it close enough? MATT: It has a 50-foot range on its tendrils. (exclamations of shock) MATT: Reaches out. That's going to be a 21. TALIESIN: That hits. MATT: All right. TRAVIS: That's terrible! TALIESIN: Okay, good to know! No, this is good. So we're not going to waste time trying to be safe from these things. MATT: Now you are also grappled. TALIESIN: Again, what does grappled mean? It means I can't move-- MATT: Well, you are considered grappled, but while you're grappled, you are restrained, which means you have disadvantage on attacks. You also have disadvantage on strength checks and strength saving throws. TALIESIN: Okay, and I can't move. MATT: You cannot move, your speed is zero. TALIESIN: That'll do. MATT: Its fourth and final tendril, it's going to go ahead and shoot for Caleb again. Natural 20. LIAM: That hits. TALIESIN: He's within 30 feet of me, isn't he? MATT: Yeah. TALIESIN: All right, I'm canceling the natural 20. MATT: Well it still hits, but it doesn't-- TALIESIN: But the critical does not take. MATT: Right, it doesn't do any damage. The tendril is just a-- TALIESIN: Oh it's not a damage-- Oh, never mind. So it doesn't get anything special. MATT: Right, it gets one bite attack per turn, but it grapples each of you. Just letting you know, you probably want to hold onto that. TALIESIN: Okay, no, if it's not doing anything, then there's no point. MARISHA: No, don't. Please stop, please stop, don't touch me. TALIESIN: I am panicking, just a little. MATT: That's okay. You are also grappled there, Caleb, and restrained. MARISHA: It was so pretty when we slept in a geode. That was awesome. Remember that? TRAVIS: Yeah, draw that. TALIESIN: Is it time to start having the flashbacks? Are we at flashback point? MATT: It's going to use reel. TRAVIS: What do you mean "reel"?! These attacks are real! MATT: Pulls Caduceus into it, and Caleb into it. TALIESIN: Okay, that's going to be interesting. SAM: I lose all the close men in my life! MATT: It's going to make an attack against you. As you are restrained, attack rolls against you have advantage. A two and a one, motherfuck. It goes towards to bite you, and the shield is still holding, and it's pulling you in towards its mouth but you see the barrier pressing and bits of its rock exterior are cracking, being pressed up against this shield. LIAM: Caleb says: (whimpering apprehensively) MATT: All right, surprise round's done. Top of the round, Beau, you're up first. MARISHA: Okay. Can I get closer to the roper? MATT: You are currently grappled and restrained. You have no movement. MARISHA: I was hoping he would do the reel thing, but to me, because I'd love to get real. MATT: Well, technically, you are adjacent to it, because you're both right there and it's in this space. You and Jester are both adjacent to it. MARISHA: So I can hit it? MATT: Yes, you can hit it. Nott, it did not reel you in that turn, because I forgot it can do the reel as part of its action. MARISHA: Well, I don't know what else to do but to wail on this motherfucker. First attack is real bad; it's a natural two. Next attack is not that much better, 20 total. MATT: Your attacks have disadvantage, by the way, because you're restrained. MARISHA: Okay, then I will reroll that one with a natural one. So that's cool. MATT: Miss. That two attacks so far? MARISHA: That's two attacks so far. MATT: The first attack, you can't quite get your hand free. You manage to get it free for a second attack, and it hits the rock. No impact. Still have your bonus action. SAM: She punched and it does nothing? MATT: She rolled low. MARISHA: I rolled a two then a one, technically, but you roll disadvantage. Does disengage count if you're grappled? TRAVIS: I don't know what these things are! MATT: You can disengage, but you still have no movement. You have to escape from it to gain your movement speed back. Right now, you're wrapped up by its tendril and you can't go anywhere. MARISHA: So disengage wouldn't help me escape from it? MATT: No. Disengage prevents attacks of opportunity, but you cannot get away from it to even trigger one. TRAVIS: Could you use your action, if she hadn't already? MATT: Fjord, you're on deck, with Yasha after that. You can use your action to try and break free, yeah. MARISHA: But I already used my action to attack, so I might as well Flurry of Blows. MATT: There you go. Flurry of Blows, get two more strikes on it, each with disadvantage. MARISHA: Disadvantage on the first one. Nope, that's a two again, second one is a natural 20 and a 12, bringing me to a 20 total. MATT: 20 just hits. The first one doesn't even get out, the second one hits the rock and hurts. You get your other arm free and (impacts) into the stone again. This time you look down as the eye opens up and you see the eye and go (whack) right into the center of its giant glowing eye. Roll damage on that one. MARISHA: It's terrible. Two! Seven damage. I turn to everyone and go: I think I broke my wrist. Then that's it. MATT: That's the end of your turn? MARISHA: Yeah. MATT: Cool. That brings us to Fjord. TRAVIS: I'll use my 30 feet and I will come around that cover and I will run down to the-- MARISHA: Can I do the thing? No, I have to hit twice. Never mind, nope. MATT: You can do stunning strike if you want to, but that's up to you. MARISHA: Oh! Can I do that? MATT: Yeah, even when you attack on your Flurry of Blows, as long as you hit with an attack, you can do that. MARISHA: Stunning strike! MATT: All right, spend another ki point. Constitution save, it's a natural one. Motherfuck. MARISHA: (fake crying) There is a god. Okay, that's my turn. LIAM: And she's smiling on you. MARISHA: Yes, she is. MATT: We'll take this stunned token and put it on this one. TRAVIS: That is a lot. LAURA: What is that other purple thing on him? MATT: That's Hex. LAURA: He's hexed? MATT: Correct. Now, Fjord, you can take your turn. As you take your turn, you look over and watch as Beau plunges her fist into the eye of this living stalagmite and it starts suddenly wriggling in place. It looks like it's having a rough time. TRAVIS: Amazing. I will run up and take two swings with the Summer's Dance falchion against the stunned... MATT: Your attacks have advantage on it because it is stunned, yes. TRAVIS: That's amazing, okay. That is a 29 to hit. MATT: That hits. TRAVIS: The second one is not as great. That is only a 19. Misses. MATT: Got you. 19 just barely misses, unfortunately. TRAVIS: Yeah. All right. Eight, 12-- oh, 1d6 for Hex. 15 points of slashing damage. MATT: You rush up with one attack, carve across with the scimitar, and you expect it to completely deflect the blow, but the blade does cut through the rock. Where it splits where the blade was, there is a muscly, fleshy interior. The creature is heavily armored by the shell it's created around itself, but it's definitely mortal. Your second strike, however, glides against the outside of its rocky shell and makes no damage. TRAVIS: I am going to use my bonus action and use Misty Step on the falchion to bamf back up on the platform. MATT: All right. Right there? TRAVIS: Yep. And that is my turn. MATT: I would say, because you can only Misty Step to places you can see, you can go there, but you have five feet of movement left, so you move there anyways. Just as a point of reference. That ends Fjord's turn. Yasha's up. TRAVIS: Yasha would like to rage. She will rush the traffic cone from hell that is attacking Caduceus and Caleb and take two strikes with her Magician's Judge. MATT: Go for it. TRAVIS: Reckless attacks, please. MATT: All righty. That is a natural 20 for the first one, and the second one is only a ten. MATT: That first hit, all the impact and might smashes into this creature's face, and she pulls back and, "That's all I had." TRAVIS: I love barbarians so much. (counting) 13 times three is 39, right? Yeah, 39 points of slashing damage. MATT: Times two, you mean? TRAVIS: Oh, times two, sorry, 26. Not times three, times two. 26. MATT: Any bonuses on top of that? TRAVIS: That's it, yeah. Oh no, sorry, rage is three. 29. MATT: 29 points of damage from that first strike as the Magician's Judge carves down through it. One of the tentacles gets damaged and you can see it still holding tight, but starting to wear this thing down. Still looking okay, though. That finishes Yasha's turn? TRAVIS: It does. LIAM: Is that all the 12s? Is that all the 12s in a row? MATT: They're after the ropers. They're right before you guys. They're squeezed right between Yasha and your trio's turn. This one here is going to reel in Nott. Now you get pulled. SAM: Wait, they can do that even though they're stunned? MATT: Oh, that one's stunned, so it can't. Never mind. That one right there is going to attempt to ensnare, with one of its free tendrils, Yasha. That is going to be a 15 to hit? TRAVIS: That hits. MATT: It hits! She is also now grappled and restrained. It's going to make a bite attack against Caleb. TRAVIS: So hitting it doesn't make them drop the grapple. MATT: You have to break free. TRAVIS: I was hoping that would be the case. MATT: That's another natural 20! TALIESIN: Cancelled. MATT: Reaction from Caduceus to-- what's the ability called again? Channel Divinity? TALIESIN: It's actually not a Channel Divinity. It's called "Sentinel at Death's Door." MATT: Was it once per short rest? TALIESIN: No, it's five times per long rest. LAURA and SAM: Five times?! TALIESIN: As long as I'm "within 30 feet of somebody who suffers a critical hit, you can "turn that hit into a normal hit. Any effect triggered by the critical hit is canceled." MATT: Grave clerics, man. That's awesome. TALIESIN: Five times per long rest. MATT: Well, be thankful he reduced that critical. 28 points of piercing damage as it jams your entire arm into its mouth and it's starting to pull you in from the torso up. The other one is stunned and does not get its turn. That brings us to the trio. LIAM: One handed, Caleb gets the molasses out and starts smearing it and casting-- TALIESIN: Wait, should I-- MATT: He's already going. He's already on it. LIAM: I'm going, too late, and I cast Slow on both of them. MATT: What's the save? LIAM: 16. MATT: What is it, wisdom? LIAM: Wisdom, yeah. MATT: This is for the guy over there. 14. He is slowed. LIAM: He can do one thing per round now, while that's up. Yeah, it just brought all those tentacles down to one thing per round. MATT: That guy is a 15. LIAM: Fails. MATT: They're both slowed. TALIESIN: Okay. It's about to get worse for them. TRAVIS: Those circles are so great. MATT: Yeah, a fan sent those, actually. LIAM: A negative two penalty to AC and dexterity saving throws. Can't use reactions. It can use either an action or a bonus action, not both. MATT: You've got it. Caleb, that's your go. LIAM: (pained yelling) MATT: Casting frantically with the off-hand. Their whipping tendrils that are wrapping you all of a sudden go (slow-down sound). Its chewing on Caleb is like (slow grinding). LIAM: I'm getting the molasses everywhere! MATT: Jester's still part way in, like, "Oh, god!" Slow chews. Nott or Caduceus. TALIESIN: I'll take it. Slow down, cowboy. I'm casting Bane on these two. MATT: What's the save? TALIESIN: The save is a 16 charisma. MATT: Charisma? Oh, they are not charismatic. TALIESIN: Yep. I didn't think they would be. MATT: There is a 12 and a zero. TALIESIN: That means that you have to take a negative d4 to attack rolls and saving throws. MATT: Yeah, you've got it. TALIESIN: On both of them. I'm going to then spend my bonus action, and I'm going to call a swarm of insects. I'm going to drop it on the-- let's get one of these out of the way first. Let's get the one that's far away from me. I'm going to drop it right on him. That swarm of insects is going to take a bite. MATT: Caduceus is pulled in, manages to curse them both with this divine power pulled from the Wildmother's darker side of nature, and then holds the staff up through. A burst of insects, beetles, then fly out of it, clouding around this central stalagmite, and begin to assault the opposite side of the creature. TALIESIN: Hard to hit. Let's see if I can actually hit because my to-hit is-- MATT: It is still stunned, so you have advantage on your attack. TALIESIN: Oh, well, that's exciting. MATT: It's stunned until Beau's next turn. TALIESIN: 18 is the highest hit. MATT: 18 just hits because of the Slow spell. Their AC is reduced by two. TALIESIN: This is a bite attack, which is 4d4. Hit ten, 4d4 piercing damage? It's ten plus 4d4, I believe? MATT: No, it's just 4d4. TALIESIN: Why does it say ten? I don't know. MATT: Ten is the average damage. TALIESIN: Oh. (counting) That's ten. MATT: Ten points of damage. The beetles are now biting into the side of this entity. That finish your turn? TALIESIN: That finishes my turn. SAM: I will not try to leave the grapple. Instead, I will fire a crossbow bolt at this one that has me grappled. MATT: You've got it. SAM: With advantage, because it's stunned? MATT: It is stunned, yes. SAM: Oh, not good. Both of them not good. 15. MATT: 15 misses. It ricochets off of its rock-like hide. The bolt goes scattering off into the shadows somewhere. SAM: Bonus action, fire again. MATT: Go for it. TRAVIS: Tentacles made of rock as well? MATT: They appear to be of similar material. They have a similar look to them, but they're flexible, so they're probably not as-- SAM: 28. MATT: 28 does hit, and it is adjacent-- well, it's stunned anyway, so you do get your sneak attack damage on it. SAM: Yeah! MATT: All the dice. LAURA: Woo! SAM: Oh, there's a couple ones. Okay, 22. Plus I'll do Fury of the Small; that's another eight. That's 30 points of damage. TRAVIS: Boom! MATT: 30 points of damage, nice. As the first bolt ricochets, you see a spark as the rock-like exterior shoots it off. As it's sitting there (groaning) with its one eye open, its jaw still chewing on Jester. Jester manages to wedge herself out of its mouth just in time for you to aim the bolt into its throat. It begins to cough a bit of its own blood. It's looking pretty hurt. SAM: Good, good. MATT: That ends your turn, Nott? SAM: That's all I've got. MATT: Jester, you're up. LAURA: Okay. I'm going to turn, since that one's letting me go, and I'm going to put my hand towards the other one. I'll say: Get the fuck out of my temple! I'm going to cast Banishment. MATT: Oh, shit! SAM: Banishment?! What! LAURA: Yeah. That's a charisma save. TRAVIS: Good call. MATT: It rolled a natural 16, minus two. (cheering) LAURA: It needed a 16 save, so-- MATT: This guy vanishes. The tendrils are no longer around you, so none of them are-- TRAVIS: Thank god he didn't take anybody with him. LAURA: Well, he wouldn't have done that here. MATT: You're all of a sudden released from it, and the creature's just not there anymore. LAURA: He'll only be gone for a little bit. We should probably get out of here. Also, kill this guy, huh? Then I turn back to the dude that's in front of me. MATT: Right, because you're still wrapped up by its tendrils. LAURA: Yeah. I can't do anything else, I don't think. Yeah, that's all I can do. MATT: Beau, you're up. MARISHA: Ah! Doo-bah! MATT: It is stunned until the end of your next turn, I believe, right? MARISHA: That's the way it works. MATT: You still have advantage on the attacks. You have disadvantage because you're restrained, so it's just a straight roll for you. MARISHA: I'm still restrained. TRAVIS: That Cobalt fighting style. Doo-bah! MARISHA: I'm going to stir around my stick and try and jab it into his eyeball. MATT: Go for it. MARISHA: Wait, straight roll? TRAVIS: Yeah, straight roll. MARISHA: I'm going to get rid of all those. It never happened. I don't think it worked, nope. That's a 14? MATT: 14 misses. You're punching a rock, and it's hurting, but you're going to get through. Looking for those soft spots. MARISHA: Second attack. LIAM: Ooh, it was almost a one, and then it was better. MARISHA: Now it's a 19, so it definitely hits. MATT: Yes, that hits. MARISHA: That was with my staff I said, so it's a d8. Seven points of damage. MATT: Seven points of damage. MARISHA: I'm going to re-stun it. Can I do that? Stunning strike. MATT: That is an 18, so it resists it. MARISHA: Okay, I'm going to move on from that. TALIESIN: The d4! Wait, and also, is there anything else he gets from Slow for saving throws? LIAM: Negative two AC and dex saves. MATT: That's minus two to it, so it's a 16. What's your DC? MARISHA: 14. MATT: Yeah, so it resists it. MARISHA: Flurry of Blows! Wait, why do I keep rolling twice? I keep thinking I need to roll twice. Just once. Ah! Natural 20! It's so manic, but it's true. MATT: I saw it. MARISHA: Doubling the dice. That's a three plus a six, so that's 11. MATT: 11 points of damage on that strike. As you jam the staff into the middle of its mouth and are prying it open, you get down and see where its eye is trying to keep closed, and the moment it flicks open to be aware of its surroundings, you whack, poking it right there. MARISHA: Going for the uvula. Last one. 18. MATT: 18 just hits, because of the Slow spell. MARISHA: For this one, I'm going to try and grab onto its tongue, because I know, lot of blood vessels in the tongue, and start trying to rip it. Another 11 damage. MATT: 11 points of damage. Oof, this thing is not having a great moment. MARISHA: I say: Drop it! Drop it! MATT: Fjord, you're up. TRAVIS: I'll run back up and take two swipes with the Summer's Dance falchion. LAURA: I really hope you guys kill it before it gets back to its turn. TRAVIS: Yeah, me too. First one is a 28, and the second one is a 29. MATT: Both hit. Damn, nice. It is no longer stunned. Actually, did you roll with advantage, or did you roll regularly? TRAVIS: Just straight. MATT: Good. It's no longer stunned, so you do not have advantage on the attack. TRAVIS: Nice. Ten plus four is 14 points of slashing damage, with four points of necrotic in there from the Hex. The second one is eight plus six, 14, plus five points of necrotic for 19 points of damage. MATT: How do you want to do this? (cheering) TRAVIS: Like a hero, I run up behind it and take inspiration from Beau, and I go (whoosh). Doo-bah! MATT: You see Fjord holding the pose there for a second, as Beau's holding its tongue, and the tongue comes out. You look past and watch as its eye goes limp, and it shifts off into three separate pieces. LAURA: Hi, Fjord! Thank you. TRAVIS: You're welcome. LAURA: We should leave. TALIESIN: How long does that thing stay--? LAURA: Not long at all. Like probably another minute or so, so run? SAM: Okay, let's go. TRAVIS: Yeah, let's book. Wait, who's-- yeah, we'll heal on the way. MATT: You guys book it. SAM: Do we need to loot the bodies? LAURA: There's not-- it's rocks. TRAVIS: Actually, Yasha will run up to Caleb as we're running, and she will do Healing Touch because she never does that shit, to Caleb, and put-- what is it? Healing Hands, healing seven points. She never wastes an action on that. SAM: Ropers. MATT: Ropers, man. TRAVIS: Is that what they're called? MATT: Yep. LIAM: We're on the move, ja? Hup, hup, hup. MARISHA: Caleb, do you have any use for this? Nott? Nott. SAM: What's that? A tongue? MARISHA: Roper tongue. SAM: Yeah, I'll take that. MATT: You can add a roper tongue to your inventory. SAM: To my belly. MATT: There you go. That's the other inventory. LAURA: It's like beef jerky? MATT: It's pretty tough. TRAVIS: Like octopus. MATT: Strangely salty. It's the minerals. As you guys are rushing up around the edge, the cavern ends about another 50 or 60 feet up front. It just ends. MARISHA: What? SAM: This is not the right way. TRAVIS: Oh. Let's go back and check that water. SAM: But if we go back the thing will be back. TALIESIN: Why don't we all prepare? I haven't put my insects away, and we can just kill this thing off, really. MATT: Jester, make a perception check. TALIESIN: I still have a swarm of insects. I'm, for the moment, going to keep my insects down there, just in case. LAURA: 12. MATT: You're looking around, and the tracks that you noticed earlier, you guys pick up on, and you see that it is still traveling this direction. You can glance at the area, though the wall itself is this surface of loose rock and stone formations there. TRAVIS: Can I walk up and touch it, and see if any of it moves or is different? MATT: Following the tracks, there is an area where it looks like the stones are just loosely there. Part of the wall fell in and covered the interior, but you can pull stones out of it. TRAVIS: Yeah, I'll start doing that. LIAM: I'm going to keep my eyes behind us where we just ran away from. LAURA: Yeah, same, I'm going too. MATT: Okay, so you start pulling stones out and passing them off. Some of them are pretty heavy. Yasha is helping. You guys are pulling them out one by one. You get a small section of opening available to you. It wasn't a huge collapse. It looks like when it was passing through, it might have bumped into the wall and caused a portion of it to fall in, and it's only the lack of light in here that's really making it hard to originally even notice this exit. You get halfway through it before you hear (whoosh) in the room behind you. SAM and LAURA: Oh, it's back. TALIESIN: Is it back to exactly where it was before? MATT: Yes. TALIESIN: It's immediately attacked by an insect swarm. MATT: Go for it. It moves very slow. You glance back in the area and it goes (squelching). It moves ten feet a round, and you're about a hundred feet from it around that way. LAURA: Good. But it's got a 50-foot reach! TALIESIN: 22. MATT: It'll be about another minute before it gets within range. 22? That hits! Technically, it's still-- No, it's not slowed anymore, because Slow has worn off. LIAM: It's a minute duration. MATT: Right, it's been banished for a minute. LIAM: Okay. Magic Missiles. MATT: (laughing) Go for it! LAURA: Oh, yeah, that's right. We can shoot at it. MATT: You can still attack from a distance. It's about a hundred, now it's 90 feet from you. TALIESIN: Ten points of damage. TRAVIS: I'll do the same thing. I'll throw some Eldritch Blast at it. MATT: Go for it. MARISHA: I'm still throwing rocks. SAM: I'll shoot an arrow. MATT: Yasha and Beau are moving rocks. Make an athletics check for me. Make an athletics check for Yasha. Yeah, she's good. MARISHA: Fuck. 11. TRAVIS: I'll move my Hex over onto it. SAM: 28. MATT: 28 hits. TALIESIN: I'm also going to throw Sacred Flame at it. LAURA: It's not within range of Sacred Flame. TALIESIN: Oh, yeah, it is 60 feet. MATT: It's not in range yet. It's 90 feet from you. TRAVIS: 16 points of Eldritch damage. SAM: 12 points of bolt damage. LAURA: Guiding Bolt! MATT: Roll for attack. SAM: Oh no, it's getting closer. I back up a little. Another five feet. MATT: All right, that's as far as you can get. You're up against the wall now. LAURA: 13 points. Oh wait, I didn't roll to attack. I'm an idiot. MATT: You have to roll attack for that. LAURA: Oh, that definitely hits. 19 plus eight. MATT: Yeah, that hits. LAURA: So that was 13 points. MATT: 13 points of radiant damage, and it's also glowing. The next attack on it has advantage. It moves forward again. It is now 70 feet from you. LIAM: I said Magic Missiles, but I don't have that prepared, so I'm going to throw Fire Bolt at it. MATT: Go for it. LIAM: Natural 20. MARISHA: Kill it with cantrips. MATT: That's the way to do it. TRAVIS: One of those hits. 21. LIAM: 18 for me. MATT: 21 damage for you? 18 from you? TRAVIS: No, sorry, 21 to hit. MATT: 21 hits, yeah. And 18 damage. LIAM: 18 total. MATT: All right. It's taking hits and slowly moving towards you. It feels like the old 1950s sci-fi movie with the weird carrot looking creatures that these are loosely based on visually? This is like a dude in a suit, trying to scoot it forward. They don't chase very well, ropers. SAM: I'm going to carefully aim and fire a gun at it. My pistol. MATT: Okay, go for it! TRAVIS: Before he fires, 19 points of damage, four necrotic. MATT: You got it. LIAM: Say goodnight, Grimace. SAM: It is disadvantage because it's longer than 30 feet away, right? MATT: But it's advantage because the-- well, no, because you already used the Guiding Bolt. That's right. SAM: So it would be not great. 13. MATT: There's a burst of powder and smoke. You've never fired a firearm. It's still a relatively new technology for most people outside of the main military, and even then, they've only been producing them out of Hupperdook for the past ten years. So your first time really using this, and yeah, the ringing's in your ears, your hand feels numb from the blowback. Not great. It (pings) off of the front of it. TRAVIS: I don't know what that is, but I don't think you should use it no more. SAM: Reload! LAURA: Is it within 60 feet of us yet? TALIESIN: When do the insects get another attack? Thank you. MATT: Now it's 60 feet. LAURA: Toll the Dead! Bong! MATT: A natural 20 on its save. LIAM: Everybody's in a line, shaking their heads at this thing. TRAVIS: Two more Eldritch Blasts. Ooh, natural 20! TALIESIN: Spare the Dying. Oh, wait, sorry. Sacred Flame. SAM: You're going to make it live?! MATT: That is a 15. TALIESIN: Nope, 16. MATT: Yep. Roll damage. TRAVIS: Natural 20 and a 20. MATT: Ooh! So both hits, one with a crit! That first attack's a crit. Double. TALIESIN: 15 points of damage. LAURA: It's getting really close, so it's going to be able to grapple us again very soon. MATT: Very next round. TRAVIS: 13 points of Eldritch Blast on the first one, and 13 points on the second one. Man, that's so weird. MATT: Okay. Mighty Nein, how do you want to do this? TALIESIN: With vague interest. MATT: With vague interest! It's starting to loom forward (blasting). TRAVIS: No scoot! No! No! TALIESIN: Drop it! MATT: It goes limp. It gets really tense for a second and then really sad, and is like, okay. It's dead. LAURA: Yay! TALIESIN: Now that that's done, I'm going to start doing a ten minute heal for whoever. Who needs a heal? LAURA: I need a heal! SAM: You were eaten by it. TALIESIN: I'm going to start a ten minute while you guys dig. TRAVIS: Yasha's pulling rocks. Fjord's pulling rocks. LAURA: I think they were a couple, you guys. SAM: I think they were a couple. I think they were married. LAURA: I think they've been living down here for a long time. They were this wonderful couple. LIAM: Should we look for their babies? LAURA: (gasps) Little rock babies! Maybe that's why they were mad. Maybe the crystals we took were their rock babies. What if it was their giant baby nest, and we broke their babies out? LIAM: How's that tunnel coming? TRAVIS: Not fast enough. MATT: At this point in time, Beau and Yasha have managed to pull enough rocks out of that tunnel to make it large enough for each of you-- and Fjord-- to squeeze through. You can step through, each of you, and eventually find yourself on the other side. The burrowed tunnel continues ahead of you into darkness. TALIESIN: Who needs healing, by the way? Okay, so just you two? LAURA: I think we're the only two that got hurt. LIAM: Need it a lot. SAM: Beau, did you get hurt? MARISHA: No. SAM: What are you doing over there? TALIESIN: 12 points of healing. LIAM: Did I mention I'm a monk? LAURA: Then I'm going to cast Cure Wounds on myself as well at 2nd-level. SAM: Well, we only have about another two weeks of walking before we get to Xhorhas. LAURA: Yeah, no joke. SAM: Unless you make us a wagon with paint and also horses. LIAM: And pavement. SAM: And pavement. What about bicycles? You could paint eight bicycles. TRAVIS: Nobody knows what that is. SAM: It's a weird dream I had. MATT: Strange gnomish engineering that's still in the early development stages. LAURA: I don't think there's anything that would really help us down here that I could paint. SAM: Do one of you magic-y people have some way of, next time we see a monster, instead of killing it, we could command it to carry us, or something? TALIESIN: We could command it to carry us. We could ask it politely to carry us. LAURA: Yeah, I actually do have the ability to command things, but they have to be able to understand me, and I didn't think that those rock things probably spoke our language. TALIESIN: We never used the magic words, to be fair. LAURA: Well, you know, we could have said pretty please. TALIESIN: Please, thank you. It gets you so far. LAURA: You don't know. I could try it. SAM: Next time. LAURA: Next time! SAM: On we go. MATT: Continuing down the familiar, monotonous carved tunnel. If you're keeping the same order, make your perception checks, keeping a watch out front. LIAM: Dancing Lights is up. LAURA: Ooh! 24. MATT: Nice. You move on for the remainder of the day before getting to a point where you're starting to get a little tired, and you figure you can continue to push on if you want to, but you'll begin to push into possible exhaustion territory. You've now hit what would be a full day's worth of travel, and this burrowed tunnel continues on. You've found one chamber and then passed it, so at least you know there's probably more to come in the level you are currently traveling in, but this day's travel, after that last encounter, you have not found another chamber. MARISHA: I haven't seen any form of writing, no offshoots, nothing like that? MATT: Nope. But the good news is as long as you have this tunnel, you know at least you're probably on the right track. TALIESIN: If you want, I can Stone Shape. I can push us in a-- LIAM: We can do the same. TALIESIN: I'm going to carve a hole about the size of what we need so we can be pressed into the wall. MATT: Okay. And the width of that is? LIAM: Oh, it's-- hold on a second. TALIESIN: It might be too big for me to carve. MATT: I think it might be a bit large to carve the whole thing. LIAM: I can't remember. Almost there. Ten-foot radius, yeah. MATT: Ten-foot radius, yeah. So you can carve part of it, and it'll still be partially exposed, but he can color it as he wants, and with the stone, it'll help somewhat camouflage it. LAURA: Yeah, nothing can get through it anyway. LIAM: We'll repeat everything, and I will send Frumpkin up ahead of us 50 feet to stay up all night, as a guard to come running back in if need be. MATT: So you guys spend the evening. Another long rest. Roll perception for Frumpkin for the evening, if you don't mind. LAURA: I'm going to cast Sending. MATT: Okay. LAURA: I'm going to cast Sending for Yeza. I'm going to say: It's me again. Can you let us know if you've been on the move, or if you're staying in the same place? SAM: Out of the tunnels? LAURA: Are you in the tunnels still? TRAVIS: Are you in the tunnels? MATT: There's a brief pause and then, "Ah. No, they just have me in a room. We haven't been traveling underground since we got out, but they have me in the city now." LAURA: (whispers) Shit. SAM: Why'd you say "shit"? What's going on? LAURA: He's already in the city. We're not going to be able to ambush them, you guys. SAM: Okay, well, we'll come up with another plan. You guys are smart. TRAVIS: Yeah, and there wasn't much of an ambush we could do anyway. It's one way in, one way out. We'll be fine. MARISHA: It's more information, which is always good. LAURA: Yeah. SAM: Let's go to sleep so we can start early in the morning. MATT: Perception for Frumpkin? LIAM: 17 for Frumpkin. MATT: Good to know. The evening goes by. Frumpkin does notice throughout the evening some movement through the tunnel: a strange creature, similar to what seemed to be the stalagmite-type roper creatures who you had fought before, but a little smaller, scooting along the ceiling. It made it through the tunnel, over top of you guys, and then continued on without noticing or caring about the location where you had placed and camouflaged your evening's rest. The next morning comes to. You continue traveling? All right. Keeping a watch out, Laura, please, as Jester, roll your perception check. It's a long subterranean journey for me doing day-to-day here. I'm sorry. TALIESIN: Oof. SAM: Barf. LAURA: That's a bad one. Eight. MATT: Okay. You got a keen eye out there in front of you. LAURA: Sorry, guys. I rolled really well yesterday, though. MATT: This day is the hardest so far, because it is an entire eight-plus hours of just winding tunnel. Once again, that continuous pace. It seems to dip at times and then it picks up. It has its own organic shifting to it in small bits, but it is a day of travel of that same ten-foot wide, continuous tunnel, and it is maddening. LAURA: (singing) 66 bottles of beer on the wall, 66 bottles of beer. ALL: (singing) Take one down, pass it around, 65 bottles of beer on the wall. LAURA: (strained singing) 21 bottles of beer on the wall-- LIAM: Also, all throughout the day, once an hour, Caleb says: It's 2:00. SAM: Shut up. LIAM: An hour goes by-- MATT: Perfect. LIAM: It's 3:00. SAM: No. TRAVIS: You know, if you're going to do those, maybe put some chimes behind them so you can be like a bell tower. LAURA: I use Thaumaturgy every time he says it to make the bing-bong noise. LIAM: An hour later: Ding-dong ding-dong. It's 4:00. MATT: All right. That day's travel goes by uneventful. So day three is done, do you guys set up camp once more here in the tunnel? LAURA: Same deal? I'm going to send a message to Yeza. MATT: Okay. LAURA: S'me again. TRAVIS: Is "s'me" one word? "s" apostrophe m-e? Okay. MATT: I think so. LAURA: How long were you in these tunnels? Do you know? How do you feel? We're on the way. Your wife misses you a lot. She loves you. TRAVIS: She loves. LAURA: Shit. I thought that meant I used two, I had three left. Shit. She loves. MATT: She loves a lot. TRAVIS: I'm roughly counting, so I don't know. MATT: All you hear is, "I can't." LAURA: Oh no! SAM: What is that? What's the "oh no"? What is that? That's even worse than "oh shit." What is that? LAURA: I just think somebody was-- he wasn't alone this time and he couldn't respond is all. SAM: Is he okay? LAURA: Yeah! He just said "I can't" so I was like "Oh! Okay." That's all. SAM: Like I can't breathe? I can't live anymore? LAURA: No like, I can't talk to you he basically said, "I can't talk to you right now, I'm busy." TALIESIN: I can't eat this, I can't floss, there's all sorts of things people can't do. LAURA: I think he was in the middle of dinner. TALIESIN: Oh yeah, I can't do all sorts of things when I'm eating. LAURA: Yeah. It'll be okay, Nott. It'll be okay. SAM: Yes, I know. We'll find him. TRAVIS: Nott, I have to say I've been feeling pretty bad hearing that you drowned previously. I want to apologize for making you face your fear over and over again. No, I've been giving you some shit, and as someone who has experienced the same thing, I commend you for your bravery. SAM: You've experienced the same thing; you've drowned? TRAVIS: Yeah. SAM: Oh, that's right. TRAVIS: That's cool, don't worry about it. Yeah. SAM: Well, you didn't know. How would you have known? TRAVIS: No, but thank you all the same. LIAM: You took a lot of courage to go in. I was not very helpful in that regard either. You did not tell us what was going on. Why would you? You still went in for a long time. So, sorry. SAM: No, it's all right. I'm sorry that I wasn't more helpful in that earlier fight when I panicked and didn't go in the water. But it's not so bad if you're down in the water with your friends. LIAM: Oh! It's nine o'clock. SAM: Fuck you! (laughter) SAM: Your people did this to me! (laughter) MATT: So you settle in for your third evening here underground. LAURA: I'm going to use a spell! SAM: I assume they've been making food for us and stuff? LAURA: Yeah! MATT: I would hope so, because your provisions are going to run out pretty quickly otherwise. LAURA: Sure, we've been making food. TALIESIN: Yeah, I had that spell set up. Sure. MATT: Divine mac and cheese. Doesn't taste divine, just is divine. LAURA: I can't do the spell I was going to do because I forgot I didn't have it prepared, but maybe tomorrow! MATT: Maybe tomorrow. So same set up? Evening's rest, Frumpkin's keeping watch. Go ahead and roll perception check for Frumpkin. LIAM: Ah, six. MATT: Six, okay good to know. TRAVIS: Oh, fucking balls. MATT: As the evening goes on... Frumpkin doesn't notice anything. LIAM: Good cat. MATT: You wake up. Your fourth day begins. You gather your things and begin to trek even further into this single, perpetual, tunnel. MARISHA: Hey guys. I'm just saying, if we're going to be underground in a blank, boring, shit-hole tunnel for a whole 'nother day, I still have some of these mushrooms left over from Mollymauk. SAM: It would pass the time. MARISHA: Might just help make it fun. TRAVIS: Wow, really? Now? MARISHA: I'm real bored. TRAVIS: It's super dark. Lives could be at jeopardy at any moment, and you want to trip? LAURA: Yeah, it's true. If those cone-head thingys come out again, I don't want any of you not being aware of what's happening. MARISHA: I'm just so bored. TRAVIS: Yeah. LIAM: You're bored? MARISHA: Yeah. LIAM: Really? Look at this. Frumpkin gets up onto his hind legs and does a little-- (laughter) LAURA: Oh, Beau! You know what we could do? Here, take this. I'm going to give her the smutty book that you gave me just recently. MARISHA: (gasps) LAURA: Wait, wait, wait! Read it out loud! MARISHA: Okay! TRAVIS: Why do you do these things? LAURA: Now we can all have entertainment while we're walking! SAM: It's like listening to a podcast when you're driving to work. MARISHA: It already starts good, you guys. It was a glistening night-- TRAVIS: Oh, crap. No. MARISHA: The snow fell on the winding paths. SAM: Oh, just like the path we're on! MARISHA: It was chilly. She could feel her nipples getting hard. It starts so soon, it starts so soon! LAURA: I mean, normally it doesn't take, but-- TALIESIN: That was going right into it. TRAVIS: Constitution saving throw! MATT: This is just an overall penalty to stealth. (laughter) TRAVIS: Is there anything on the ceiling as I awkwardly stare up at it? MATT: Both you and Jester both make perception checks. TRAVIS: Oh, I was kidding, but-- MARISHA: She felt the warmth of a fire. She could feel his warm touch as it was grasping around-- SAM: Around what? Around her waist? Around her buttocks? What? TRAVIS: 17. MARISHA: As his strong, burly, hairy arms wrapped around her waist, she could feel her breath leaving her bodice. This is so good, Jester! LAURA: I know! Thank you, Caleb. MATT: Travis. TRAVIS: Yes. MATT: Fjord, at this point, trying to ignore that and facing forward, is continuing. The path, this protracted tunnel, you begin to notice smaller tunnels intersecting with it. TRAVIS: Like on the sides, or--? MATT: Like one on the side, one a little higher. TRAVIS: Up in front of us? SAM: While I'm listening to Beau, I'm going to fold my arms so no one can see the shape of my nipples right now. (laughter) MATT: All right. LIAM: You know, you are a very good reader. You give it a lot of character. MARISHA: (stuttering) Thanks. As she reached down-- TRAVIS: Man, I hate to interrupt, but you know, we have some divergent pathways ahead. TALIESIN: How big are they? MATT: You look up and you can see. They are maybe about two, three feet wide each. From what you can see, the entrance to the first one on the right that's on the right side, a lot of dirt and rock has been pushed into it. It's kind of closed off. You walk up to the second one. It's a little more up on the left, higher range of it, and you can see there are bits of stone and dirt that have fallen out and created a small pile on the ground beneath it. TRAVIS: Yeah. LIAM: Do they bear any resemblance to the giant hole that we were following? MATT: No. TRAVIS: Hey, you want to send that cat of yours about 50 feet behind us? LIAM: Oh, behind us? LAURA: Do we hear anything coming from the tunnels? MATT: You, who have been so distracted by the reading of the book, hear nothing. TRAVIS: It looks like two of those had stuff pushed into it. That one looks like something came out of it. TALIESIN: Wouldn't maybe if you were traveling these caves, you would've capped them because of things that kept popping out of the wall? MATT: Caleb, looking at this, you figure these tunnels existed before this burrowing happened, and it looks like when this worm came through, it tore through whatever these tunnels were and pushed shit into them and wrecked a little bit of this tunnel structure. TRAVIS: That one came into this one, though. After the big guy came through. TALIESIN: What? MARISHA: That's funny, that was exactly what was about to happen. I'm sorry, what? I'm going to-- I bookmarked it. TRAVIS: Caduceus, go look up front! Jesus, god. SAM: He can't see in the dark. TALIESIN: I've got a light. Does it look like these were-- I'm going to go up to one and examine it. Do I hear anything? Do I see any scrapings that would give a sign? MATT: Make a perception check. TALIESIN: It's 15. MATT: Listening in, looking up there, you don't see anything-- the one to the right, you don't see anything, you don't hear anything. TALIESIN: These markings on the interior-- MATT: You do notice some markings, quick little cuts in the dirt or stone, like hand or claw marks dragged across bits of it. Small. TALIESIN: Something burrowed. MATT: You see the pile of rocks and dirt that have fallen along the top. You glance over and you can see something somewhat shiny that's picking up the light from your globe. TALIESIN: I'm going to clean it off a bit. MATT: It looks like a hammer, but it's not well taken care of, per se. Your nose picks up a little bit of the air here; it smells somewhat rancid, a little bit. Just a faint hint of rot. TRAVIS: Anything behind us? TALIESIN: I'm worried about the things around us. LIAM: How high off of the ground is that hole? MATT: It's about ten feet up. The whole tunnel is one big ten-foot side to side. TALIESIN: I'm going to clear away a little bit more. Is there a body underneath this pile? MATT: No body. TALIESIN: Just a hammer? MATT: Yeah, just like a discarded tool. TALIESIN: I'll take a look at the hammer. MATT: It's a hammer. It looks like it's seen a lot of use. TRAVIS: Why? Why a hammer? MATT: The metal's wrecked a little bit in places and it's been bludgeoned and misused. TALIESIN: I think someone got grabbed. SAM: Are the rocks around here dug out, like someone was digging? MATT: Make an investigation check. SAM: 28. MATT: They have been dug, and you see signs that they were dug out by hand and dug out by shovel, or some sort of a tool used for digging. SAM: From above, or from--? MATT: From above and the side. You get the sense that the one that opens up here connected to the other one, and this tunnel was burrowed in the middle and took out that connecting point. TALIESIN: I've got a crazy idea. TRAVIS: What, that we can be under the Ashkeeper Peaks and these are mining tunnels? TALIESIN: Well, no-- that's great. That's way better. SAM: He just wanted to play Parcheesi. LAURA: What were you thinking, Caduceus? TALIESIN: I think that this was some sort of pathway and maybe this closed-off pathway here is possibly the way to go, I don't know. I feel like we might have found a way of sneaking into where we're going. SAM: Sneaking in? MARISHA: Is there any remnants of precious metals, coals, things that would be mined? MATT: Looking around here, most of it appears to be carved stone and dirt. TALIESIN: If anyone doesn't mind, I'm going to pull out my shovel and start working on this. TRAVIS: I think we're dead under this mountain-peak, right? (counting) We're like (taps). MARISHA: We've got to be, right? TALIESIN: This blocked off path that this got bisected-- SAM: So we could go up to get out if we wanted to get out. TALIESIN: Or we could go down this way, because I don't think there's that much dirt in this-- MATT: Well, the tunnel continues also. It's up to you guys. LIAM: We can bail if we wanted to, perhaps. MARISHA: Would I know the exact boundary line of Xhorhas between the Empire? Do they use the mountains? MATT: The Ashkeeper Peaks are what divides the two sides of eastern and western Wynandir, yeah. TRAVIS: Might as well see where this thing goes. We can keep going if we have to. SAM: We can go see the sun for a couple of hours, get some vitamin D, and then come back down. MARISHA: If we're under the mountains, it could be a long way up, and we don't know what those mountains look like. I mean, I don't know, it also could be fall and temperate and beautiful. TRAVIS: There could be pigeons on the mountaintop. SAM: Edible pigeons? TRAVIS: Is there another kind? SAM: No. LAURA: I read scary books when I was little about these creatures that lived in the mountains that were see-through because they lived underground for so long, but they had really long claws and they would snatch up babies. TRAVIS: Not helping. LAURA: I'm just saying maybe we should avoid them. TALIESIN: I'm going to start prodding to see how deep this cap on this bottom one goes. MATT: It's a couple of feet deep, and the rest of the tunnel goes beyond, but for you, Caduceus, it's a tight squeeze. We're talking Bishop in Aliens getting through the tunnel. TALIESIN: I'm going to take a look in there. Do I feel any wind, anything--? MATT: No. TALIESIN: It's just stagnant air? MATT: Yeah. There's no breeze in here, no. SAM: If we go topside, what are the possible benefits of doing that? LIAM: Well, not going to Xhorhas and getting murdered by far greater forces-- SAM: We're going to Xhorhas. LIAM: -- but I think we're going to Xhorhas. SAM: We could go up and maybe find a horse or something and coax it down here to take us faster. TALIESIN: A horse on the top of the mountain? SAM: I don't know, if this miner fellow who was eaten alive left a couple of horses tied up there-- TALIESIN: Why would he leave horses on top of a mountain? SAM: Why would you bring them into the mountain? You would leave them tied up on top. LAURA: What if it's not a miner from the top? What if it's one of the creatures that I was talking about and this is his hammer and the tunnel actually-- SAM: The worm's hammer? LAURA: No, what if it's a creature that lives in the mountain and he's got a hammer and one of these tunnels leads to his village under the mountain and it's a whole village of scary people that's going to attack us as soon as we-- SAM: Caduceus, cast Talk to Objects. Ask the hammer. TALIESIN: What would you like me to ask the hammer? SAM: Who was your owner? LIAM: There is really only one reason to use the side tunnels. TALIESIN: Who was your owner? LIAM: To leave. LAURA: (whispering) To go poop, because there's not really a lot of privacy-- LIAM: You can do that anywhere. TALIESIN: The hammer is very obstinate, but I would imagine that's expected of a hammer. I'm not going to say it wasn't worth a try. I would have been surprised, but I would have been delighted as well. TRAVIS: Do we have any real positives for going up? I honestly can't think of any. LIAM: Only if we wanted to give up, which we are not doing, so we go forward. MARISHA: (laughs) Okay, here's the other thing, though-- sorry, I'm dying at the hammer. This is, arguably, going to lead to a nexus, right? Like an entry point? TALIESIN: Yeah. MARISHA: So what's on the other si-- Did they build a military base around the entrance to this tunnel system and is that what we're about to walk into? SAM: If we go up? MARISHA: If we go forward. If we keep following this, is it going to lead us-- TRAVIS and TALIESIN: There's no way to know. MARISHA: Yeah, no, I know. I was just kind of throwing it out there. TRAVIS: How far can Frumpkin go? TALIESIN: Actually, that's a good idea. Can we send Frumpkin down one of these tiny tunnels? LIAM: Quite a ways, but if he gets too far away, I no longer have the ability to communicate with him. TRAVIS: How about just to that edge, then? LIAM: Ja, okay. TALIESIN: Cool. MATT: So you send Frumpkin ahead? LIAM: Sure. MATT: Roll a perception check for Frumpkin. In the dark, so disadvantage on the perception check. LIAM: Ja, but advantage with smell if there's anything stinky. MATT: Okay, good to know. LAURA: Wait, wait, wait. I have an idea. MATT: What's your idea? LAURA: What if I cast Daylight? We could tie a ribbon around Frumpkin's neck, I cast Daylight on his neck, on the ribbon, and then he can see wherever he goes. TALIESIN: I can cast Light on the ribbon, too, so you don't have to burn a spell. LAURA: Hey, that's better than that. TALIESIN: I cast Light on something tied to Frumpkin. LAURA: I take a ribbon off my horn and wrap it around Frumpkin's neck. MARISHA: That's a good idea. LIAM: Put the ribbon on the backside so it's not right in his eyes. MATT: You tie a little ribbon around Frumpkin's neck, you cast Light, and now the ribbon gives off this torchlight glow from the back of Frumpkin. LIAM: For the first ten seconds, Frumpkin goes-- (laughter) TRAVIS: Get it off! LIAM: But gets used to it, and then trots off. MATT: Now roll a straight perception roll for Frumpkin. LIAM: I did, I rolled twice, so it's a 16 perception. MATT: 16, okay. Frumpkin continues on 50 feet, 80 feet. About another hundred feet or so, there's another tunnel intersection; it's breached by this carving path. Then, about another 130 feet or so, another chamber opens up. This chamber is about 40 foot by 80 foot and the smell here is strong, Frumpkin picks up on. It smells of rot, mildew, feces. It's not a pleasant smell, and there are piles of refuse and furs and utensils and belts and odd objects that are thrown into piles here. You can see a number of other tunnels that all intersect into this area. LIAM: Is there any immediate reaction to a glowing cat entering into this big chamber? MATT: Nope. TALIESIN: Maybe roll back and try one of these smaller tunnels also, just to see what's a few feet down, maybe? LIAM: I can't hear anybody. TALIESIN: I mean, it seems like the thing to do. TRAVIS: He can't hear us. TALIESIN: What? LAURA: Oh, Caduceus. TALIESIN: Yeah? LAURA: He can't hear us when he's doing these things. TALIESIN: Really? LIAM: How many chambers are-- Is it just many, many-- MATT: Ten or so different tunnels lead into this chamber, all ranging between two feet wide to about three feet wide. LIAM: I'm just watching. I can no longer send commands, I can only go along for the ride to watch. Am I seeing anything like mining equipment? MATT: You see a small broken shovel. There are piles of dirt, bones, coins. Looks like a lot of things that have been gathered. You can see warped pieces of wood that are partially whittled and then abandoned in the moment. Stacks of a bunch of junk. LIAM: Okay. MATT: Frumpkin hears a small growl and looks, and in the far-right corner, there's a small cage. In the cage, there's some sort of a furred creature, no more than that big or so, that's missing tufts of fur, and it's in the cage going (growling). LIAM: Okay, I leave him there and come out of it. LAURA: What'd you see? LIAM: Well, it's a good walk a ways, and then there is a larger chamber with many different exits to it, and my good boy saw some sort of creature in a cage. LAURA: How big of a creature? LIAM: Wuh. LAURA: Did it seem cute? LIAM: Hard to tell. SAM: You said there's a lot of entrances and exits to this place? LIAM: Yeah. MATT: They're platforms, the topography of the inside-- it's not just a perfectly oval thing. It has a bunch of pieces of rock and stone and levels where these tunnels are emerging and appearing. SAM: We know that the cricks have been making many attacks, so maybe this is where they go, this is Grand Central and then they shoot off to different places to attack. LIAM: Or this is an old abandoned place. You know, I don't know what the right thing to do is because if we keep following this tunnel, we could roll right up into their backyard where they ended their journey, walk right into them. However, we don't really know where this place is going; we don't know how far it is from where your husband is going to be. We don't know what dangers are above us. However, we could come in and try to find him, not walking directly into their line of sight, right into their face, or their butt, or what-have-you. I don't know what the right thing to do is. SAM: I don't either. TRAVIS: My two cents: I think they did a pretty good job of closing up these tunnels, right? Made it so that the average Joe or even someone able-bodied would be unable to follow them. I think this is probably the last place they think someone would come from. Above ground, pretty sure they're covered. LAURA: That's a good point, Fjord. LIAM: That is a good point. TALIESIN: I just wish we knew what these things were. I would have loved to explore some of these. TRAVIS: They're small, right? They're small tunnels. MATT: Yeah. TRAVIS: Yeah, I mean, we're already dealing with the two-body-width tunnel as it is; I don't want to shrink it down any lower and really be fucked. TALIESIN: My thought was we could send the cat up and down really quick and just take a look. TRAVIS: Send the cat? TALIESIN: We have a cat we can just send down the smaller tunnel really quick. I don't know why we don't just take a peek. LAURA: That is what we're doing. TALIESIN: We sent the cat down the big tunnel. MATT: Yeah, the cat continued down the big tunnel and found that other chamber. The tunnel continues past that chamber, by the way. TRAVIS: I thought the cat went up the small tunnel. LAURA: Me too. TALIESIN: I had a funny feeling. MATT: No, this was Frumpkin going ahead on the tunnel you guys were traveling and found that other chamber, and the tunnel continues on the other side of this chamber. LIAM: We didn't take the side with Frumpkin. Just confusion, that's fine. TRAVIS: Yeah, let's send him up the small one. That's what I was thinking. LAURA: Yeah, bring him back. LIAM: Well, he knows to come back in five minutes if he does not hear from me, so we have to wait. MATT: Yep. Frumpkin returns. TALIESIN: I'd say the downward one, just a quick look, not too far down. Top one, quick look, not too far up. LAURA: Yeah. Go down the little ones? MATT: Frumpkin heads into the small side tunnel. Curves around about 20 or so feet, and then it opens up into another small chamber. What Frumpkin sees is a ten by 15-foot opening area with a pile of matted material, like cloth-- it may have been at one point, but it's soiled. You see two figures sitting there. One of them is in the process of fitting something together or pulling something apart, and the other is currently gnawing on some sort of a long-dried bone. They're tiny, humanoid, longer snout, tails, scaly skin. I would say, lizard- or almost dragon-like, but very tiny. They're both sitting in there, spears set to the side (gnawing noises). LIAM: About how far away from me has Frumpkin gone at this point? MATT: About 30 or so feet. LIAM: 30 or so feet. (snaps fingers) Pull him back. I don't know if they saw him or not; he is glowing. MATT and LIAM: Mm-hmm. MATT: The last thing Frumpkin sees is them go (hiss). LIAM: (fwoomp) Little lizard people down that way, and they saw my cat. LAURA: Cool. TALIESIN: I'd rather them see us now than-- TRAVIS: I'll run up and push myself up against the wall, against where the tunnel is, just in case they decide to come out that way. LIAM: I will take the other side of it and do the same thing. MATT: Okay. You guys all heading to split to the sides? TALIESIN: Yeah, we're going to fan out. TRAVIS: Do we hear any movement coming from the tunnel? MATT: You hear a (snarling), and you see a spearhead slowly emerge from the tunnel and its head poke out ever so slightly. Make stealth checks, guys, by the way, because this is now going to see you. LAURA: I cast Pass Without a Trace on all of us while we were hiding. Is that okay? MATT: I'll say a straight stealth check on this one, this happened too quickly. LAURA: Okay. SAM: May I use my cloak? MATT: Yeah, your cloak affects any stealth check you make, for the most part. TRAVIS: Yasha rolled a six. MATT: Cool. TRAVIS: Fjord rolled a 15. MARISHA: 17. MATT: All right. SAM: Caleb? LIAM: Oh, a 17. SAM: 21. LAURA: Eight. TALIESIN: 20. MATT: Okay. It pokes its head out. (sniffs) Looks right over towards Fjord and goes (questioning chitters). TRAVIS: I reach down and grab the spear and yank it out of its hands! MATT: (yelling) TRAVIS: What are you?! (yells) MATT: The one behind it looks through and is like (alarmed hiss) and turns around and runs down the hall, and the one that's there is like (panting). LIAM: I pull out a small, little stone pyramid in my hand and mutter a few words and then cast Tongues and speak to this little thing. MATT: All right. Well, as you're casting the spell, you hear the one that ran back go like (shouts of alarm). LAURA: Oh no. MARISHA: Oh jeez. MATT: You begin to hear this echoing sound of lots of claws scurrying their way through the nearby tunnels. TRAVIS: No! No, no! MATT: And that's where we're going to go and take a break. (yelling) LIAM: That's the best! TALIESIN: We've got to get both out of them. MARISHA: Talk to them, tell them we're friends! LAURA: Stop them! MATT: We'll come back here in just a moment to pick up from there. LIAM: Did I hear something like, "Look at these motherfuckers out there!"? MATT: As you were casting the spell, this suddenly happens-- it wasn't finished-- and when we come back, I'll begin to give you the idea of what you're beginning to hear. TRAVIS: Oh, shit. MATT: So we'll be back here in a few minutes from break. As part of our giveaway, we have these really cool custom Valentine's Day dice vaults here. You can pick up your own special vault. They're customized with five wood and inlay options, and your own message is translated in Elvish, which you can see there. They'll arrive before Valentine's Day if you order before February 7th, so you've got to get to that soon. We're giving away these two tonight, two lucky winners. The key word for this is "underground," one word, "underground." Come on over to the Critical Role Twitch chat, that's twitch.tv/criticalrole. Enter the word "underground" once-- more than once, you'll be disqualified-- and we'll come back with the winners. This is only good, of course, in the United States and Canada, excluding Quebec. But yeah, we'll see you guys here in a few minutes. TRAVIS: Oh shit! What?

Part II
MATT: Hello everyone, and welcome back. We have our two winners for the two dice vaults. The first winner is Rickymarooo! SAM and TRAVIS: Rickymarooo! MATT: The second one, it appears to be-- it's 2r0m0c0. Congratulations, you? TRAVIS: Bot username. MARISHA: Yeah, bot! MATT: We'll get you guys your successful wins soon. Before I forget, I was going to mention it beforehand, I totally forgot. For those who don't know, there's a Rick and Morty versus Dungeons and Dragons comic book. MARISHA: Oh yeah! MATT: They just released the fourth and final issue. It's written by our friend of the show, Patrick Rothfuss, if you remember from campaign one. ALL: (mimicking Matt) Patrick Rothfuss. LAURA: Author extraordinaire. MATT: Patrick Rothfuss! Drawn by Jim Zub. It's a great team, and a number of people from the community make little cameos in it. Our friend and love of all D&D;, Chris Perkins, is in it, Satine's in it. Apparently I'm in this issue? Which is kind of nuts. So yeah. It's pretty awesome, you should check it out if you have the opportunity. TALIESIN: It's pretty great. MATT: It's pretty awesome. Gary Gygax's ghost says a fun phrase. TRAVIS: Same page as you. MATT: Indeed. Anyway. Getting back into the insanity, you had just grabbed the spear from a nearby kobold as the other one rushed off. I would like for you to make a strength check, please. TRAVIS: Oh, good. This is my forte these days. MARISHA: You were just lifting so many pebbles, you'll be great. TRAVIS: 11. SAM: Against a tiny little thing. MATT: No. You grab its spear and it goes (yell). TRAVIS: Fuck! That's so embarrassing! MATT: And pulls it back from you as you hear the mounting skittering of numerous creatures now coming from behind where you were and from the nearby tunnels. What are you guys doing? LIAM: Wait, just to specify, from up where Frumpkin just was, from that direction? Or multiple directions? MATT: Multiple directions, behind you. LIAM: They're in the honeycombs in the ceiling, right? MATT: Apparently. LIAM: Yeah. LAURA: I cast Disguise Self and make myself look like a giant one of them. MARISHA: Oh man, not again! TRAVIS: We should run. We should go. TALIESIN: Let's head to the tunnel, then head to the main room. TRAVIS: Just run forward. MARISHA: (yelling) MATT: As you're casting the spell, transforming into a larger kobold, you start rushing forward. Are you guys all heading forward with Fjord? MARISHA: I will head forward-- LIAM: Mage Armor. MARISHA: -- but power walking like a badass, strolling behind, in case I want to deck some kobolds in the face. MATT: Okay. You guys charge forward around the corner into the next chamber. That chamber has about 20 or so kobolds that have emerged from, or are in the process of emerging from, the different tunnels, that are all facing your direction with small, dinged blades and crossbows that look like they might work. Spears, and small leather and wood shields, and they all fill the chamber in front of you, going (chittering, snarling). They're holding the line. What are you doing? LIAM: We have come to speak, I say, in whatever language I now understand and speak. TALIESIN: I'm going to augment that. LAURA: I act like I'm saying it. LIAM: Oh, I made it very clear and held my hand. MATT: Yeah. There's definitely a confused division and attention here as they're like (chittering). TRAVIS: World of magic and mystery! TALIESIN: They can all hear you. LIAM: We have come through to chase a large serpent through these caves and eradicate it. MATT: The ones behind Beau-- as you're strolling up and he's shouting this out, there are about ten or so kobolds that begin to rush up from behind, and they see you, and they slow their step and start taking their spears and prodding you to join the rest of the people. LAURA: Also, tell them that I'm their god. LIAM: Easy. MATT: There's one in the center. Of all of them that are there, there's one that is covered in cages and boxes and leather straps. There's another that has heavy pieces of armor, almost weighing him down. You see others that look like skirmishers that are all gathered around, and they all have this growling, barking energy. They look a bit hungry, a bit sallow, and the one that's in the full armor steps forward towards you and you and is looking back and forth and gives you this curious look. LIAM: We are here looking for a scourge in these mountains. Oh boy. We mean you no harm. We wish to pass through. MATT: (grunts) You hear him say, in Draconic, "Come forth, loud meal." TRAVIS: Nice, Draconic! LAURA: Oh man, I was trying to make it look like I was talking, Caleb! Argh! MATT: There are a number that are staring at you in half awe, like-- TRAVIS: Deity! LIAM: In Draconic, saying-- well, through the spell: I am one meal, but my friends can make more food than me. I am-- MATT: Do you approach? LIAM: I take two steps forward. MATT: All right, make a dexterity saving throw. LIAM: Okay. MARISHA: What? Why though? LIAM: Two steps forward-- that's an 11. MATT: As you're saying this with intensity and force, you guys watch as suddenly there's a cloud of dust around his ankles, and a rope loop wraps and pulls your legs together and hoists you up, and you're now dangling about three, four feet off the ground. LIAM: I only take this as a minor setback. We can still work this out. MATT: At which point all the kobolds-- there's this large wave of cackles. The one raises his hand up and they all get quiet and he goes-- TALIESIN: That's pretty funny! MARISHA: That's pretty good! MATT: "You! Loud food!" Points at the rest of you. MARISHA: You're just dangling. MATT: "You want pass?" Yep, as your hair is just dripping there and you're slowly (creaking). LAURA: His coat up. Yeah. MATT: He's following you with this nasty looking shortsword that looks like the edges of it are grimed up with black oil or something. LIAM: You do not want to tangle with the spirits I command. I snap my fingers and Frumpkin appears, and four globules of light float in a circle around Frumpkin. MATT: "Ugh!" Takes a step back. Make an intimidation check. TRAVIS: Upside down. MARISHA: Beware the spirit of the Maine Coon. LIAM: Intimidation? That's a 19. MATT: "He who summoned kitty spirit." LIAM: You will be cursed for decades. MATT: "We already cursed!" LAURA: What does it say? MATT: "You in no position. You in that position. So you give one to feed, or trade for food." He's looking at you. He's making this challenge to you, but is definitely keeping a distance, and is taking a step back from where he was standing so confidently in your direction. LIAM: You expect me to hand over one of my own? MATT: "Yes!" LIAM: This cat will burn you-- burn you all. LAURA: He sounds very intimidating right now. TALIESIN: I heard that, right? MATT: Yeah-- LIAM: No, it's in Drac-- well, I don't know. I'm speaking through a spell, so-- TALIESIN: Oh. Yeah. MATT: Looking at the specifics of Tongues here. SAM: Tongues. MATT: "Any creature that knows at least one language can hear and understand it," so it's not so much that you're speaking Draconic, but any creature that knows language can understand you. So all of you hear this. LIAM: So we're all on the same page. MATT: Yes. LIAM: Oh, that's excellent. LAURA: Yay! We can make food. TALIESIN: We can't understand them, but we can understand you. MATT: Actually, strangely enough, it's speaking in broken Common. TALIESIN and LAURA: Oh. TALIESIN: Well, I mean, we can make some food I suppose, or we can let the cat have his way. Is there any way I can just add a Thaumaturgy effect to the cat really quickly? MATT: How so? What do you want to enhance? TALIESIN: I want the ground around the cat to shake gently and start having a minor earthquake effect. LIAM: Frumpkin stands and does that little-- MATT: As Frumpkin does that, and the rocks shake and tumble around in this small quaking noise, about six of the nearby kobolds go (gasping), and start skitting away from it, holding their weapons at bay. Two of them in the tunnels all of a sudden go (squeaking), and climb up in the tunnels and vanish. LAURA: Aww! TALIESIN: We have food, though. LAURA: Yes, little me's, we have food for you! Worship me! I am your leader! MATT: Make a deception check. SAM: "I am your leader!" TALIESIN: Oh lord. LAURA and TALIESIN: Ah! LAURA: 12. MATT: You see two of them begin to reach towards you, like-- (excited breathing). LAURA: Yes! MATT: The one in the full armor goes, "No pay attention!" and slaps them with his spear and they (snarl). TRAVIS: How about the food? LAURA: We bring food for you. MATT: "Trade!" TALIESIN: We'll need containers. Do you have a couple of pots? Big containers. MATT: "Sybil!" Points to one in there and you see this one kobold that's covered in rags-- kind of looks like the collector lady from Labyrinth-- and pulls out this large, billowing leather sack that's stained of all sorts of colors around its basis. (heavy breathing) It holds it up. Its jaw is slightly dislodged on one side and gives it this crooked grin to its face. Holds it open. TALIESIN: Do you have one more? I can do two, if you've got two. I can do water, also. Do you care about water? I can do water. MATT: "We have water." TALIESIN: That's fair. MATT: "Fill food!" TALIESIN: I'm going to take a little piece of fungus off the stick, and I'm going to put it in there, and I'm going to start casting Create Food and Water and it's going to suddenly become 45 pounds of food. MATT: (thudding) The thing all of a sudden slams into the ground, the heavy weight from the summoned meal hitting the heavy rock floor. As soon as that kobold leans forward, pulled off of his feet and manages to stumble into it and look inside. (sniffs) "Whoa!" Begins to shovel it. The leader then goes, "Stop! We eat!" TALIESIN and LAURA: It's good. MATT: "Two may pass. More food for trade rest. Huh?" LIAM: The Fey King is growing angry with you, and the globules of light start to spin a little quicker. TALIESIN: A little more thunder maybe. MATT: "Two and the Fey King can also pass." LAURA: What about the leader-- your leader? Can I go? MATT: You see the others all nervously looking towards the other, and you can see him feeling really intimidated by your presence. There's this idea of him being the head of this sect and you storming in here, and he's just-- this jealous intensity as it stares towards you and goes, "Do not listen! Why you come?" LAURA: I came because I'm a really good friend of yours. I'm a leader here, and also I just wanted to go through with my friends? MATT: "False leader may go as well!" LAURA: Yes! TRAVIS: We have two gator skins in the bag of holding. MATT: "What? Gator?" TRAVIS: Yeah. MATT: "What?" TRAVIS: Are you interested in gator? It's like real tough leather. I mean, bet you could use it as some-- TALIESIN: I don't think they'd be interested. It's way too nice for them. I don't think that they really-- MATT: You can see four other mouths watering as you're describing this tough gator skin. TALIESIN: That's so expensive and difficult to come by, in this part of the world. TRAVIS: I know, yeah, it's so rare. I mean, maybe it's better we just hold onto the gator. TALIESIN: You don't want-- I mean, we certainly don't want to give it up. MATT: "Give us gator skin!" TALIESIN: Well. TRAVIS: I don't know. I mean, I could maybe part with one for the rest of us-- MATT: "No! All of it!" TRAVIS: Well, all right. I pull out two gator skins. My friends will have to be able to go on their way. TALIESIN: Mister Fjord, are you sure? TRAVIS: I mean, I hate to. They're worth a fortune and, boy, the protection that they yield, mmm dogie. Ah-- okay. MATT: (satisfied grunt) Puts it over the side pouch of one of the other ones-- carries it and, (excited grunt). Is that both of them? TRAVIS: Yeah. LAURA: That's all of us then, huh? We can go then? TALIESIN: Yeah, because there was the two, and then the other two, and then the king, and the leader. LAURA: Then the leader, and then we had the friends with the-- SAM: I'm only a half, really. I'm half. LAURA: Then the guy that's hanging. That's important, too. TALIESIN: I think that's half of the next person, that comes through at that point. LAURA: Definitely. MATT: One of them steps forward and goes, "I think that is--" "Shh! I'm making number!" SAM: I can also offer you this-- I have a pouch of smoking tobacco. You could smoke this and it will make you forget your troubles. MATT: It leans forward towards you, giving a look and goes, "You (sniffs), goblin." SAM: Yes. MATT: Make a persuasion check. SAM: Jesus. 17. TALIESIN: Wow. MATT: Takes the pouch from you. (sniffs) SAM: No. Don't eat it. It's for smoking, really. You can eat it. Ugh! MATT: "Accepted." SAM: All right. MATT: Takes and places it in the pouch. "(shouting Draconic)," it shouts. You being able to recognize, saying, "All right, let them pass." MARISHA: I jump down and take out one of my shurikens and chop Caleb free. MATT: (thudding) Like a sack of potatoes. LIAM: Is that 1d6? MATT: From that height? Yeah, that would be four points of bludgeoning damage. MARISHA: Ah, jeez. TALIESIN: I'm just making sure nobody's tried to-- I've been trying to keep an eye on things. LAURA: Yeah, I don't want them ganking our stuff. TALIESIN: Nobody's tried to gank anything, right? LAURA: I've got my hands on our stuff the whole time. MATT: Okay. You're keeping watch, and a few do get close and they're definitely eyeing the various trinkets that dangle from your belts, but as any of them start getting close you grab and they pull back. The leader goes, "Go. Follow path of big worm. Make big mess. Go!" LAURA: Nugget, come on! TRAVIS: Wait, a path the big one? MARISHA: Make big mess? LAURA: Oh yeah, question about that: Did you see how many of them there were with the big worm? MATT: Just looking at you angrily, this-- LAURA: The guys that made a big mess? MATT: "Big mess. Move through. No longer here." LAURA: How long ago, do you know? MATT: "Days, weeks." LAURA: Did it seem like a lot of people? MATT: "Very loud. Ruin tunnel." LAURA: How big was the worm? MATT: "Very big." SAM: They're very small though, so in relation to them it may well be-- LAURA: That's true, it's kind of-- TRAVIS: Ask them if they've been all the way to the end of the-- SAM: You can ask them. LAURA: They understand us. TRAVIS: Have you been all the way to the end of big mess tunnel? MATT: "No. No go." TRAVIS: Why not? MATT: "Stay here, home. Eat food from you." TALIESIN: That is fair. LIAM: Do you know who is caged up, aways down this tunnel? MATT: "What?" Points over to the small cage with the little creature, you mean? LIAM: Oh, it's in this room? TRAVIS: Yeah, we ran forward. LIAM: Oh, I see. Got it. TRAVIS: Yeah, what is in that cage? MATT: "Is food." LAURA: No, don't eat it! SAM: Is it cute, or not? MATT: It's pretty ragged. TRAVIS: Are we going to pass judgment on this thing? Come on! Let's just keep going and turn a blind eye. TALIESIN: Is the cage locked, or is it just shut? MATT: From this distance, it looks closed. SAM: If you rescue this thing, could it be cute ever? MATT: With a little TLC, maybe. LAURA: I mean, we shouldn't let it just die. MATT: You're not even sure what kind of creature it is. It kind of resembles a squirrel, kind of resembles a small dog, but it's greasy and ratty and-- SAM: Trade your dog for it. LAURA: I'm not going to trade Nugget, no! SAM: Just trade Nugget for it. LAURA: No. TALIESIN: Are we going to be walking within 30 feet of that cage? MATT: Most likely, yeah. TALIESIN: Okay, cool. LIAM: I tell you what. Do you want this creature? LAURA: I mean, I don't want it to suffer in a cage, Caleb. LIAM: I will make one last offering to you. I will give you the Fey King, in exchange for this creature here. SAM: The cat? No, you can't! MATT: Make a deception check. TRAVIS: I know where you're going with this. This is going to backfire. LIAM: Deception, you said? MATT: Yes. LIAM: 16. MATT: 16? "You can give Fey King?" LIAM: He will bring blessings to your people. MATT: "Take food, keep king." LIAM: Okay. Take the f-- okay. Telepathically, I tell Frumpkin: I'll bring you back in one day, buddy. In my head, and he trods forward. MATT: Okay, picks up the Fey King from the scruff of the neck and goes, "You I eat. Gain power. "Bigger than that one. False leader." MATT and LAURA: (snarling) MATT: "Let go!" All of them pull back and begin to disappear into the tunnels behind, and you guys are given a path through. LIAM: We have food, the creature in the cage? MATT: The cage is just right there. LIAM: I pick it up. LAURA: Let's open it up. SAM and MARISHA: Take the whole cage. TALIESIN: Once the cage is within 30 feet, I'm just going to pop it open with Thaumaturgy. MATT: Okay, the creature immediately jumps out (shrieks), and darts off down the tunnel. MARISHA: Ah, it's rabies. LAURA: Yay, it's alive. Thanks, Caleb! TALIESIN: Bye, buddy. MARISHA: The thing is going to die in ten more feet from something else. TALIESIN: It's going to be like one of those YouTube videos, where they let the mouse go in the forest and just the hawk-- like ten feet. MARISHA and TRAVIS: Yeah. MATT: You guys continue on the path? TRAVIS: Uh-huh. TALIESIN: It didn't last one day. MATT: As you're leaving, Caduceus, you notice, that the leader leans over to two other kobolds, and whispers something to them. TALIESIN: What do I hear? MATT: You hear a low muttering, but not in a language you understand. TALIESIN: That's interesting. Can your cat hear what they're talking about? LIAM: Sure, but I'm not zooming into him right now. TALIESIN: No, I'm going to walk by you and be like: They're talking about something. I don't know if we want to keep an ear out for what they're up to. LIAM: (swoosh) MATT: So what was that? LIAM: Oh, I just jumped into the Fey King really quick to see if anything was happening. MATT: Okay, after you guys leave, everyone scatters into the chambers, but stays behind and watches, and two of the kobolds slowly begin to follow behind the group in the tunnel after you. LAURA: Yeah. TALIESIN: Cool. MARISHA: Let's let them do it for a little bit. MATT: One of them is the one that's covered in all the different boxes and pouches. There's a staff and it has an actual small cage, like the one that you just opened, on its side with something inside it. The other one just looks to be a small spear-holding scout and they're both being quiet as they can, but the one carrying everything isn't very quiet. SAM: They're on our tail? MATT: Caduceus, you can hear the gentle clanging of various accessories of this kobold trying to be quiet, pursuing you down the tunnel. TALIESIN: As long as they're keeping some distance. SAM: Want me to take them out? Or at least-- TALIESIN: Not yet. SAM: Disarm them? LIAM: Let's lead them away from the pack. MARISHA: They might have useful information. LAURA: They're so cute. TRAVIS: I don't think that's accurate. SAM: They both have weapons? MATT: Well, one of them is just covered in-- TRAVIS: Shit. MATT: --random shit. The other one has a spear. You travel for about an hour or so, away from that, the tunnel continuing before you. They're still staying back by about 60 or so feet. MARISHA: Oh, so they're not even being secretive about it. MATT and MARISHA: They think they are. TRAVIS: They're watching us leave. They're escorting us out. MARISHA: Got it. TALIESIN: I think at some point-- When's the point where it's time to bed down? Are we getting to that point? MATT: I'd say you're probably within another hour or so of that. TALIESIN: I think at some point we're going to "bed down." TRAVIS: Mm-hmm. LAURA: Mm-hmm. Yeah. TALIESIN: I think that's a great idea. LAURA: Yeah, and then we'll go to sleep? TALIESIN: And then we'll go to sleep. SAM: "Go to sleep." LAURA: Mm-hmm. Good idea. MATT: All right. So you guys eventually reach that point and you begin to bed down. What do you do? TALIESIN: I'm just going to-- I think we should-- LAURA: Put on a show. I think they need some entertainment. TRAVIS: Mm-hmm. LAURA: Yeah. MARISHA: You mean like as in: (projecting) Hey! We should go to sleep! Like that? LAURA: Yes! Oh, I'm feeling so tired. MARISHA: My feet, they hurt. LAURA: Also, I'm not a giant lizard anymore. I'm not a big kobold. I'm me again. MARISHA: Because you're a god! LAURA: That's right, I can take any form I want. MARISHA: I'm glad to see your true form, mistress! LAURA: Yes! I'm glad everyone worships me like they should. SAM: While they're shouting at each other, I'm going to turn invisible. MATT: Okay. TRAVIS: There you go. SAM: And I'm going to sneak back there. MATT: Okay. SAM: Back towards them. MATT: Do you guys... lay down? What do you do? LAURA: I walk around dramatically for a while. TRAVIS: Is the dome out? Are we summoning the whole thing? MATT: Is the dome out or are you waiting? LIAM: I have not done that yet-- MARISHA: I'll try to look for firewood, but I'm so exhausted. LAURA: It's going to be so hard to find wood down here in the tunnels. LIAM: Point of clarification: are we travelling through worm tunnel at this point? MATT: Yes, you are. LIAM: Okay. Which is how wide again, ten--? MATT: Ten feet. LIAM: Ten feet across. MATT: Always been ten feet. LIAM: Ja, thank you. TRAVIS: I'm sitting cross-legged on the floor, staring at the dirt. LIAM: I don't think we need to pull up the dome right now. LAURA: Not yet, no. MARISHA: No. MATT: Okay. You guys-- SAM: Am I nearing them? MATT: As you're invisible-- are you walking back towards their direction? SAM: Mm-hmm. MATT: Okay. You see the two of them, around the bend, are both looking and the one with the spear is looking kind of eager. The one with all the shit on it is looking a little apprehensive and they're both just watching and talking back and forth. (kobold speech) LIAM: Is Nott out of our sight? MATT: Yeah. Nott vanished a few minutes ago. SAM: I'm going to try to sneak up on the one with the spear. MATT: All right. SAM: And get close to he or she and grab the spear out of their hand. MATT: Okay. Go ahead and make a... I would say, with advantage, make an athletics check to try and-- SAM: 20. MATT: Seven. The spear vanishes from its hand. SAM: I'll throw it the opposite direction down the tunnel away from us. MATT: (confused kobold noises) He looks confused and rubs his wrist and starts walking back towards the spear on the opposite side. SAM: Then while he or she is going to get their spear, I'm going to try and grapple the weird one. The one that's all weird and shit. MATT: Okay. Go ahead and make an athletics check. SAM: Oh, not advantage. MATT: I would say advantage because it doesn't know you're there. I'll allow it. It's fine. SAM: Okay. 19. MATT: 19. Okay. If you'd like to describe your kobold. (yells of surprise and disbelief) TRAVIS: You son of a bitch! You slow-playing son of a bitch. LIAM: Playing the long game. The long con! MATT: Move over, Taliesin. TALIESIN: Oh, am I moving over? Okay. (pandemonium) LIAM: Oh my god! Long con! TRAVIS: That was good. That was some bullshit. TALIESIN: Holy shit. MATT: There we go. TALIESIN: I'm going to make some room here. MATT: Welcome, Chris. CHRIS: Thank you very much! SAM: What?! We were specifically told... TRAVIS: Not playing. ALL: Not playing! MARISHA: Just visiting! CHRIS: This is a house of lies! (laughter) TALIESIN: Oh my god! CHRIS: No peeking. TALIESIN: No peeking. MATT: So. Suddenly, out of nowhere, apparates in the nervous energy of the moment the small goblin creature that you've been eyeing nervously as the group wandered through, and it just reaches out and grabs a hold of you. CHRIS: Ah! Mommy! Mommy! SAM: Yeah, I am your mommy! Yeah! Deal with it! CHRIS: So this kobold has... he's got flasks hanging off him by ropes and you can see that these flasks are basically just stoppered gourds and they're clattering and banging together. He's got a basket of swarming centipedes slung over his back. SAM: Open? CHRIS: No, it's also closed off, almost like a closed off net of centipedes. SAM: Ugh. LAURA: Oh my god. CHRIS: With a rope attached to it. And then there is a clay pot hanging from that, that has an acrid smell rising from it and another clay pot tied to a rope that's lashed around his shoulders. His weapon is a staff with a living scorpion tied at the top of it. SAM: Caduceus, where are you when I need you? CHRIS: Its little tail jabbing at the air. And the cage holds a creature that you recognise as a skunk. TRAVIS: This fucking-- TALIESIN: This is chemical warfare, man. CHRIS: The worst is, tied to this stick with the scorpion on it is a bag that is buzzing loudly like it's full of hornets. SAM: Hey, bees. LAURA: Hey, bees! MATT: So as you hear this sudden clattering commotion, and both this kobold voice screaming out, "Mommy!" and Nott going, "Yeah, mommy!" the other kobold down the way goes, (panicked kobold yelling) and runs off to grab the spear, you guys hear this noise. What are you two doing? SAM: I'm going to-- Oh, you two meaning me and Chris? MATT: Yeah. What's your reaction. CHRIS: I am trying to take my stick and hit him with the scorpion. MATT: Go ahead and make an attack. TRAVIS: Little scorpion on the end of the stick? CHRIS: Little scorpion. TRAVIS: Please hit. CHRIS: That is a-- What is that? TALIESIN: That, I believe, is in fact a-- LAURA: A natural 20? TALIESIN: I think that's a natural 20. (laughter) TALIESIN: Yeah, that is! That's your old Keyleth die, too. I've never seen it roll one in my life. CHRIS: So it stings you on your eyelid. (Pfff!) SAM: Ah! TRAVIS: Yeah, best place. CHRIS: You take one piercing damage and have to make a constitution saving throw. MATT: So two piercing damage with the crit. CHRIS: Oh. Sure, I like it. Yeah; two. SAM: Con save? 21. CHRIS: Okay. You succeed and take half of this amount of damage. Which is... LIAM: 79. MATT: Technically, the dice damage is doubled because it's a crit too. So it's just straight damage. CHRIS: Oh, right yeah! Double poison damage, shit. So that will be seven points of poison damage on you. MATT: The eye immediately swells up from the impact and you're like, "Ah!" Just spinning around in a circle. The one with the spear rushes up like, "Ergh!" Can't quite figure out where to go. What are you guys doing? TALIESIN: I'm going to get up. LIAM: Walking towards the noise, ja. SAM: I've got one! MATT: You rush around the corner and you see this whirling whirlwind of clattering pots and cage and goblin and kobold screaming. Anyone doing anything or are you just watching? LAURA: I'm going to cast Command. MATT: All right. LAURA: At second le-- no. Yeah, second level. And try to get both of them and say, Stop it! SAM: You're commanding me too? LAURA: No, both of the... MATT: Gotcha. LIAM: The second one ran off down the hall a bit. LAURA: Yeah, but it's still within range. MATT: All right. So it's wisdom saving throws? LAURA: Yes, wisdom saving throw. MATT: Go ahead and make a wisdom saving throw, if you don't mind. LIAM: And simultaneously, I am casting Enlarge on Nott the Brave. MATT: Okay. So-- CHRIS: I rolled a 14 minus two is 12. MATT: 12. 17 minus two which is 15. LAURA: They both have to stop it! MATT: So immediately, the one holding the spear looks at you, "Huh!" And you find yourself all of a sudden stop struggling and weapon freezes in place. At the same time, the tiny goblin arms around you suddenly Hulk out and you find yourself lifted off the ground, your legs dangling a few inches off the floor of the cavern. SAM: Don't make mommy (much deeper) mad! (laughter) TALIESIN: Aww, come on. LAURA: I mean... SAM: Who are you? (deeper) What do you want? CHRIS: I'm Spurt! TRAVIS, MARISHA, SAM: Spurt?! MATT: "I'm Bex." LAURA: Spurt and Bex? MATT: "Yeah." CHRIS: We're supposed to follow you to make sure you don't drop any food! LAURA: Oh. We don't have any food. We already gave you all the food. MATT: "Oh! (sigh)" CHRIS: Also, I'm supposed to stick a bunch of rock grubs in your mouth while you're sleeping! SAM: What? Stick a bunch of what? MATT: "Don't have to tell them this." CHRIS: He's really big! MATT: "Okay. Sorry!" LAURA: You guys, what the fuck are you doing? TALIESIN: I mean, I just feel bad, really, at this point. LAURA: You're so cute and stuff but like, don't attack us; we're really big. TRAVIS: Jester, you killing them or what? LAURA: Yeah, no I'm going to kill them. MATT: (scared kobold noises) LAURA: (whispered) I'm not going to kill you, don't worry. SAM: Run. CHRIS: If you let us go, I'll let you play with our centipault. LAURA: What's a centipault? MARISHA: I'm interested. TRAVIS: You don't want to play with that. TALIESIN: No, I feel like we should hear this out. SAM: Your centipault? CHRIS: Yeah. It's an invention. SAM: What does it do? CHRIS: It throws centipedes real far. LAURA: That's awesome! LIAM: Show us a demonstration and we will induct you to the Mighty Nein. CHRIS: Tell mommy to let me go. TALIESIN: Um... well... SAM: All right. TALIESIN: Mommy? SAM: Show us the centipault. LAURA: But not on us. Don't attack us, okay? MATT: There's only one other target in the chamber. CHRIS: All right. Yes, exactly. So I will take off my green slime pot, and I will take off my rock grub pot, and I'll lay down my scorpion stick, and my skunk in a cage, and my wasp in a bag. TALIESIN: I like it. CHRIS: And then I will begin assembling my centipault out of other oddities that I have on me. LAURA: I'm going to open my sketchbook and draw all of it. MATT: Learning the cutting-edge kobold technology. SAM: Maybe we should set up some sort of target for the young man. CHRIS: I'll use him. TRAVIS: What'd he say? SAM: He's going to shoot centipedes at you. LAURA: Don't worry, we'll heal you. TRAVIS: Sounded like there's something that shoots centipedes on me. MARISHA: No, that's exactly what he said. CHRIS: Then you hear this sound: (pthwoing). MARISHA: Do you have bug allergies? Oh, no. TRAVIS: (panicked screaming) MARISHA: Have you been stung? LIAM: Leeches! MATT: Fjord just comes running down the hallway. TRAVIS: (screaming) MATT: The kobold in right in front of you goes, "Ah!" Just screams at you as you slam into it. The spear goes clattering to the ground. TALIESIN: That's really neat. LAURA: That's really cool. MARISHA: It works! It's amazing. TALIESIN: Aw man. SAM: That's ingenious. MATT: At which point, the Enlarge spell fades. (whoosh) TRAVIS: That was fucking terrible. CHRIS: Want to see my skunk? I hold it up by the tail. TRAVIS: Oh, no! LAURA: Is it alive? CHRIS: Oh, yeah. TALIESIN: Hey, hi. How's it going? MATT: As he holds up the skunk, the nervous energy around it, the skunk just instinctually-- (snarl) LAURA: No! MATT: (spray) TRAVIS, MARISHA: (groans) MATT: Dexterity saving throw for Jester and Nott. LAURA: Ugh! TALIESIN: Great! LIAM: Come on. MARISHA: Dodge those juices. LIAM: No. SAM: 18. LAURA: 15. LIAM: Damn it! MATT: All right. You manage to just barely escape out of the way as it-- CHRIS: No! Bad, Pepé! Bad! (laughter) MATT: (skunk noises) CHRIS: I beat it with my stick. MATT: Okay. LAURA: No, don't beat it! Poor Pepé. MATT: The other kobold has fled. It saw the running Fjord centipede nightmare and just left. TRAVIS: As fun as that was, you know, instead of killing this adorable little guy, maybe we could enlist him as a scout or guide? SAM: Do you know these tunnels at all? Have you explored since the worm came through? CHRIS: Yeah! SAM: What was that? What did you just do? MATT: Still hitting the skunk. TRAVIS: Stop! No, hey, hey! LAURA: Stop hitting it. SAM: Don't beat your skunk. CHRIS: I put it back in its box. LIAM: Yeah, I have a question for you, my little friend. Do you eat enough under your current leadership? CHRIS: No! LIAM: We will keep your belly full. If you travel with us, you will have never eaten so much in your life. But we do need a guide down here, and you could be that guide. CHRIS: (shouting) I'm very quiet! Tie off the cage, sling it over my hornets, tie them back to my staff. TALIESIN: If it gets us to where we need to be, I'd be willing to drop another spell. LAURA: Yeah. TALIESIN: Another 45 pounds, whatever we don't need of that 45 pounds, which is an awful lot of food. TRAVIS: I think you'll have no trouble finding your way back. How far down this tunnel have you ventured before, Spurt? CHRIS: I point back the way we came about 60 feet. TRAVIS: Oh, shit. Brave new world. LIAM: Oh. That is less appealing. SAM: But you're quiet and you can stealth, right? You snuck up on us very well. TALIESIN: Is that a bag of bees you've got over there? LAURA: Oh hello, bees! CHRIS: I've got plus zero, is that high? SAM: Sure. CHRIS: Here are my bees. TALIESIN and LAURA: Hi, bees. LIAM: Not the bees. Not the bees. LAURA: Hey Spurt, how long have you lived down here? CHRIS: 11 days! LAURA: 11 days? SAM: How long do kobolds live? CHRIS: 11 days! (laughter) TRAVIS: Oh god, this is it! The swan song! LIAM: And in your 11 days, what is the worst thing you have ever seen down here? CHRIS: My brother got eaten by a green slime. MARISHA: Wait, like the green slime you have right there in the-- CHRIS: Yeah, that's the one! MARISHA: Oh, okay. (laughter) TRAVIS: Oh my god. SAM: Do you like it down here? Do you want to come with us? CHRIS: Where else is there? SAM: There's other places. CHRIS: Really? SAM: Yes. There's light and other terrain. MARISHA: Would you like to follow us towards the light at the end of the tunnel? TALIESIN: Oh my god! CHRIS: Okay! LAURA: Except we're leading him to a really scary place, y'all. SAM: We don't know that. We don't know, Xhorhas might love kobolds. LIAM: Plus he's near the end of his life. We might as well show him great things, going to eat better than he ever has. We could let him look at the dodecahedron. LAURA: We shouldn't pull that shit out. LIAM: Or leave it in the bag. I'm just kidding, forget it. That's a bad idea. LAURA: That could be a really bad idea, Caleb. LIAM: It's funny, but it's not wise. TRAVIS: We should keep going. LAURA: Yeah. You want to come with us? CHRIS: Yeah! LAURA: Hey, this kid thinks you're his mom. SAM: That's super duper sad right now. TALIESIN: Way to bring the whole room down. MARISHA: I'm dying. I am dying. LIAM: D&D;, happiness and sadness tied together. MATT: (laughing) All right, so what's the marching order? SAM: Spurt 30 feet ahead? MATT: All right. CHRIS: I walk with my staff out so Stingy is actually in the lead. MATT: Got you, so you're leading with your scorpion, perfect. Spurt continues forward. Do you guys follow? TRAVIS, MARISHA, and TALIESIN: Yeah! MATT: All right. Spurt, roll a perception check for me. CHRIS: Something around here's stinky! LIAM: This is the best. This is the best! TALIESIN: Wow! MATT: (laughing) Okay! CHRIS: Hey, it's dark down here! TALIESIN: Yeah, this is going to be great. TRAVIS: (laughing) "It's dark down here." Not good, not good. MATT: Continuing on for the next few hours, getting slowly used to the smell of kobold-- especially a moving-hoarder of a kobold-- the tunnel continues to curve and it goes down a little further, then it evens out and goes down a little further, then evens out. You get pretty late into the day before you begin to notice the rock and stone having some slight changes. The general bits of materials that you've been used to seeing down here-- the heavy gray and brown rocks-- occasionally, you see flecks and glimmers that your passing light puts a shine across. You go over and inspect it and it is a black, glass-like substance. MARISHA: Is it obsidian? MATT: It's obsidian. You continue moving forward and there's more sections of it, and you can see where bits of it are broken and flaked off where the worm was burrowing through and battered through a section of obsidian that then shattered. TALIESIN: If there's any way to scoop up a couple of pieces. MATT: Yeah, definitely. You gather up a bunch of obsidian shards. A lot of it is broken and brittle, but there are some larger bits that you can find that are pretty jagged, really. You see them first, so you gather what you want. CHRIS: Oh, I'm too busy eating the poop out of my skunk's cage. MATT: There you go. MARISHA: Goodberries! MATT: Hey, guys, kobolds have ecology down. CHRIS: Nothing goes to waste! LIAM: It's like a Dune suit, man, you can't let that shit go to waste. MATT: Exactly! LIAM: Reduce, reuse, recycle! MARISHA: Stop, I just got better. MATT: I'm just saying, none of you has a weapon that feeds you. The air gets steadily warmer and warmer as the hours pass, and the floor itself begins to give way from the softer dirt and dust with loose pebbles to become a harder, more porous rock, and the obsidian begins to become more apparent and more consistent. You, Spurt, begin to see a dull light ahead. A dull, low, red light. CHRIS: Perception zero. MATT and SAM: Yeah. CHRIS: Light! I see the light! I run toward it. LAURA: Can we see what it is? MATT: It looks to be the tunnel coming to an end for some sort of chamber. You're too far away to make out any details, but it looks like there is a room beyond it that has a dull, red glow to it. LAURA: Oh no, Spurt, don't run! MATT: You just run out? CHRIS: Yes. MATT: You guys see Spurt run out. The temperature here is getting warmer and warmer as you progress. You're starting to find yourselves sweat uncomfortably. You rush out into an open field of rock, like hewn, carved rock floor-- like a courtyard, if you will. It's about a hundred feet or so across at first glance. Across the way, there is a wall, or portions of a stone wall built into parts of an obsidian and stone cliff face or the interior of a cavern. You look on the inside, and in this brief instant, you take in the vicinity, through your kobold eyes, this large chamber that continues on far to your left. To the right is, at a very steep incline, an obsidian wall, where a pouring river of molten magma is coming down into a trough that goes across this open chamber-- this river of lava with a bridge that goes across it to the opposite side. To the left, there is a very interesting, massive black iron citadel that sits maybe a quarter mile to the left of you. At the peak of it-- and this is a very large chamber-- dozens of thick, heavy black chains affixed to its peak drape off and connect to the odd corners of this large cavern. This is far to your left; you're in a small side courtyard on this side. As you stop and look around-- (laughs) hilariously unnoticed by the two massive fire giants that are currently playing sentinel. There's one across the way, leaning against the wall, standing at roughly 18 to 20 feet tall, dark gray skin. What little bit of red hair you see peeking from underneath its armored helmet as it's wearing heavy, dark armor covered in spikes, metallic thorns. One hand is holding a tower shield, roughly its full height, also covered in spikes in the front, with another shield just like that that's leaning on the wall. It looks like it's currently spacing out for a moment, looking back towards the citadel. To the immediate left of you, on this side of that molten river, you see a female fire giant, wielding a giant maul, who is in the process of picking her teeth with some sort of pointed bone, and neither have noticed you, strangely. They rolled really shitty. LIAM: You said citadel. We are seeing a fortress down here? MATT: You guys aren't seeing this. You just see the kobold rush out. LIAM: Okay. MATT: So what do you do, Spurt? CHRIS: How far away is the closest one to me? MATT: The closest one to you is about 20 feet to your left. CHRIS: I throw my wasp nest in a bag at it. MATT: Okay! TRAVIS: Yes! MATT: Roll for attack on it-- or is it a saving throw on their part? CHRIS: I throw the bag into a five-foot square within 20 feet of me and it bursts open into a swarm of wasps with 11 hit points. MATT: Spurt runs out, turns, and, "Ah!" (impact, buzzing). The giant goes (grunts) and slaps-- CHRIS: You dead! You dead! LAURA: I love him! TALIESIN: Oh no. TRAVIS: Please have some real armor! MATT: 22 to hit against you. CHRIS: (laughs) Okay. MATT: You take... TRAVIS: Remember that number, kids. 28 points of bludgeoning damage. CHRIS: I win! (splats) MATT: You watch as Spurt turns after throwing this, and then a giant hammer (slamming, squishing) Gallaghers Spurt across the stone floor of this open way. LAURA and SAM: No! TRAVIS: I run to the side of the cavern wall and lean up against it and shrink down. CHRIS: A little green slime seeps out underneath the hammer. MATT: The hammer lifts up and you see the stringy mess that was once Spurt detaching from the hammer. SAM: My boy! He was my boy! TRAVIS: Shh! Shh! MATT: Everyone make a stealth check here. LIAM: Caleb starts walking slowly back through the entire walking formation. MATT: Your work is done here. (cheering, laughter) TRAVIS: Holy fuck! SAM: He died as he lived, as a spurt. MATT: Thank you, Chris. LAURA: What are we rolling, stealth? MATT: Stealth check. MARISHA: We fulfilled our end of the bargain. I feel okay. TALIESIN: That happened. LIAM: That spurt was quick, but potent. MATT: No, Pass Without a Trace was not cast. MARISHA: We're stealthing? Natural 20! TALIESIN: (singing) Natural 20! LIAM: Well, fuck y'all, because I rolled a two. SAM: 23. LIAM: That's a four for me. TRAVIS: 23, natural 20, 19, and Yasha rolled an 11. LAURA: I rolled an 11. TALIESIN: Natural 20. MATT: Oh, wow. Okay. LAURA: Should I be rolling stealth checks for Nugget? SAM: Is that Dani? TALIESIN: I just heard Dani break in the other room. LIAM: There's a delayed reaction out in the lobby! TALIESIN: The delay is the best. TRAVIS: Is that the quickest we've ever had a player character come in and die? TALIESIN: Oh yeah. MATT: As you guys all pull to the sides, you hear (heavy stomping). A hand reaches down and rubs it through the smear that was once the kobold and rises up. A couple of pieces (plopping) into the stonework, then the light goes dark as the giant's head bends down and one giant eye peeks through the tunnel in your direction. TALIESIN: Is it on its way down into the tunnel? How big is this tunnel, again? MATT: The tunnel is ten feet wide. The giant is going to have a hard time. It could probably get in there if it crawled. Right now, it's leaning down and looking inside. TALIESIN: Lights are dimmed. TRAVIS: Yeah, we're pressed flush. MATT: It glances around inside, bends its head inside-- and it's completely engulfing the entire exit. (grunts) Backs out of the tunnel and then steps to the side. You guys just barely fucking made that. TRAVIS: Thank you, two natural 20s. MATT: You hear it shout something in Giant. Any of you guys speak Giant? TALIESIN: Yeah. MATT: You do, that's right! SAM: Because he's a what?! MATT: Because of his background, his race. LIAM: Because he's so awesome! MATT: It's not a secret! It's actually one of the languages that you get as a-- SAM: It's secrets. MATT: Sure enough. TALIESIN: I was once a giant, there we go. Carry on. MATT: There you go. What you hear is: (speaking Giant). You recognize it as, "Be careful. Looks like we got rodents." You guys hear, on the opposite side, the one that was laying with the shield sits up for a second and takes the shield, walks over to the river of lava, scoops up some of it and pours it across the top of the shield. It's like a pachinko machine; the lava fills the front of it, on the inside there's a pocket, and where once there was just dark iron shield, now is heating up and the shields have a fiery exterior to them. After it fills both the shields, it holds both of them, gets back to its position, and they're both looking around. LIAM: Does Caduceus see that, or everybody? MATT: You guys, who are off to the side, can glance over and watch this happen. It's across the way. You have no idea what the other giant's doing, but this one is across the way and is visible from your position. TALIESIN: They think there are more kobolds coming. LAURA: How are we going to get out of here? MARISHA: And where are we? SAM: Do we see into the chamber, across on the other side? It's not a chamber; it's huge, right? MATT: It looks, you would guess, probably a hundred or more feet across to the other side, but there is a wall there. Make a perception check. SAM: I'm terrible at this. Five. MATT: It's hard to see from this distance. TRAVIS: Caleb, you ever read about anything like this? LIAM: Have I ever read-- I've read a lot-- about fire giants under the earth? Yes. TRAVIS: Yeah, crazy, dark-- oh, you have? LIAM: Ja, my grandmother used to keep me up late at night, reading me stories about things like this. No, I don't know anything! I don't know! TRAVIS: No dark citadels? I mean, this is an accident, right? This isn't where we're trying to go. LIAM: I know about the history of the country I grew up in, not about underground fortresses. LAURA: Ooh, you know what we should do? We should mark this on the map. LIAM: Let's put a pin in that and get back to it. TRAVIS: Yeah, we'll get back to that. TALIESIN: In a map? Should we mark this on the map then, with a pin? LIAM: I was speaking in metaphor. TALIESIN: Oh yeah, I like those. SAM: What do we do? We can sneak in. We can create a diversion. LAURA: We could create a diversion. Hold on, let me see what kind of spells I have taken. SAM: But then to what end? We're going to run in there and do what? TRAVIS: How far from the opening of the tunnel that we're at, off to the left, are both of the fire giants? MATT: Make a perception check for me to take in the details of the scenery. TRAVIS: Natural 20. MATT: No shit. Okay, not only, as you lean forward and poke through, really assess the scene-- I'll just pull out the map and show you, because you rolled a natural 20. I'll be right back. TRAVIS: Got to love those Critical Role dice. MARISHA: So attractive, so sexy. LIAM: Perkins! You are such a fun player! Jeez! TRAVIS: You chaotic motherfucker. How much shit can I throw on one person? LIAM: Such a 180 from Shale, when you were here the last time. MATT: Here's where you guys are. This is the tunnel. Because you rolled a natural 20, you can see on the other side a continuation. You gather that when the Kryn traveled through, they probably had to make their way through this chamber, and you gather from the surrounding and the vicinity, the obsidian was probably a difficult thing to pass through for this worm, and probably why it was forced to briefly make its way through this courtyard. TRAVIS: What is this? Where the fuck are we? SAM: Do we think that the Kryn went through and were allowed to pass? LAURA: I bet that these people are posted here because the Kryn came through. MATT: That's an interesting observation. TRAVIS: I think diplomacy will be our best tactic. Let's use words. SAM: Let's offer them some food. TRAVIS: Yeah, it worked well before. And the other fire giant-- SAM: Is that the splatter of dead Spurt? MATT: Yeah, that's where Spurt met his end. SAM: Here lies Spurt. TRAVIS: The second fire giant is on this side of the molten river of death? MATT: Right there. TRAVIS: Uh-huh, one. MATT: Then that's the other one on the opposite side. TRAVIS: That's a fire giant? I thought that was the citadel. MATT: No, the citadel's way that way. TRAVIS: Those are shields?! MATT: Yeah. LAURA: Oh yeah, you can't see the actual figure. LIAM: Yeah. That's a dude, double fisting, full on-- TRAVIS: This the worst American Gladiators course ever. (laughter) TRAVIS: He's right next to where we need to go. It's a big problem. SAM: Pugil sticks. MATT: There's Laser and Target! And you're going to fight: fucked! TRAVIS: Fire shield! Magma shield! LAURA: So potentially-- Okay, I have an idea. What if, Caleb, you make your bubble then one of us just yells out to the fire giants, "Hey. We just want to pass through; we don't want to have "anything to do with you. We're just chasing down these dicks that passed through your land, "that's it." Then we hide in your bubble so that they can't attack us. SAM: Then they know we are here. LAURA: Well, yeah, but what are we going to do? We can't all be invisible and they're right here. TRAVIS: What happens after they attack us in the bubble? TALIESIN: How much can the bubble take? LAURA: They can't get us through the bubble. LIAM: Maybe they will go to sleep eventually. Maybe we can come back a little later. LAURA: You don't think they're going to have other sentries posted when they leave their post? TRAVIS: Yeah, I don't know about the bubble thing. TALIESIN: I can throw my voice if we have to. TRAVIS: What if it breaks, what about when it expires? LAURA: I'm just saying in the tunnel. It's just an extra bonus of being in the tunnel and extra protection or something. SAM: We could have it there in case we need to retreat. LIAM: Yeah, if we are crazy enough to start a fight with these two-- LAURA: Which I don't want to do. I just want to talk to them. LIAM: But if we do, the bubble is a good idea, although I have to stay in the bubble for the bubble to be in effect. TRAVIS: Non-fighting options: I can take one person with me, 90 feet, in a single direction. TALIESIN: I can also make my voice, I believe, come from wherever I like within 30 feet. MARISHA: I mean, use a distraction, get them looking at something else. TALIESIN: Just to have a conversation with these guys, see if they're willing to make a deal. SAM: Jester can get across the entire span. LAURA: Yes, I could do it. SAM: I could turn invisible. I could create a diversion. MARISHA: I am a great sprinter, like, real good, 100 meter dash. SAM: Sure. MARISHA: Right, just saying. TALIESIN: I can get across. TRAVIS: I could create a false diversion that's a massive beast in the opposite direction of us or I could make a real beast. LAURA: Yeah, can you make it look like it comes from the cave and then runs off so that it doesn't appear out of nowhere? MARISHA: Which cave? Our cave? LAURA: Or the other cave maybe, no. I don't know. SAM: Or just emerge from the lava. LAURA: Or just come out of the lava. MARISHA: Ooh. Lava monster. LIAM: What about this? What if Fjord does that distraction we talked about across the fire. You Banished that stone creature? I know how to do that as well. If you and I both take a shot at the one on our side, one of us maybe will succeed. TALIESIN: If I hit it with Bane beforehand it would also have a slightly harder time doing that. LAURA: Oof. But it could also succeed against us and then we'll have to fight a giant. I think it would be better if, you know, I could Dimension Door with you, Caleb, over to the other side. LIAM: And? LAURA: And then we just keep going. We never engage with these fucks. SAM: Wait, what about us? What about the rest of us? You're just going to leave us? LAURA: Well, he's going to make a big distraction and then we all run. TALIESIN: I have a sneaking suspicion that there's probably-- These giants are fast, faster than we are. Probably with some range. MARISHA: Would I know anything about giants, reading up on them or anything? MATT: Go ahead and roll a history check for me. MARISHA: Cobalt. 19. MATT: They generally live beneath mountain ranges and areas of heavy volcanic activity. They are considered the artisan crafters and forgers of giant kin and the Ordning. They have-- They're evil. TRAVIS: Oh, they both are? MATT: No, that's just giants. MARISHA: So probably not amicable or prone to negotiation? MATT: They can be. If it suits them well. They enjoy free labor, so they like to take slaves to force to do the menial tasks. MARISHA: And they craft things so they're not stupid? MATT: No. They're intelligent like an average being would be. MARISHA: Averagely smart. MATT: From what you've heard. You don't have a whole lot of knowledge necessarily. You haven't heard of tales of the great crafty intelligence, but nevertheless, they still built this entire underground city. MARISHA: Yeah, I read this tome once in the library, but I was a little distracted when reading it because the monks had also drawn a bunch of dick and dudes putting horns up their butts in the margins. It just happens, yeah. LAURA: Shut up. Wait, which library was this? MARISHA: In the Cobalt Soul. SAM: Focus. TRAVIS: I have a suggestion. I can make a manticore appear, run from the cave and leap/fly over the river and carry off in the direction that is opposite of where we need to go. LAURA: Yeah. Then we all run. SAM: Is this a real manticore or is it an image of one? TRAVIS: It sounds and looks like a real manticore, but if you make contact with it, it's just an illusion. LIAM: While they are all debating this, I channel a little bit of transmutive energy into my stone and change its focus from constitution to fire resistance for myself. TRAVIS: So you can go invisible, you can go the entire distance, you're fast as balls. LAURA: Go the distance! TRAVIS: Caleb's fast as balls. TALIESIN: I can briefly go invisible, but not for this whole run. LIAM: Not today, I didn't study that last night. TRAVIS: I can take one person with me. LAURA: Can you get that far, too? TRAVIS: With one person. TALIESIN: Mister Caleb is the one to go. SAM: What about Yasha? LAURA: Somebody take Caleb. I'll take Yasha. SAM: You can't take Yasha. LAURA: Why? SAM: She's bigger than you. MATT: They're both medium sized. LAURA: Yeah. She's not large. TRAVIS: Who's the odd man out? Who doesn't have a way to get over there real quick? SAM: I can run and I'm invisible. MARISHA: How fast can you run? You're pretty fast. LIAM: Yeah, it's you two. You are the quickest. TALIESIN: I can be invisible for one run-- for one action. TRAVIS: How long is your speed? TALIESIN: I can get 60 feet. LAURA: I could Blessing Of The Trickster you here and that way you're a little more stealthy as you're going. TALIESIN: Oh, I mean, I'll be invisible until I'm visible. TRAVIS: Nott, how do you feel about--- LAURA: I could Polymorph someone! SAM: Into what? LAURA: Into something that, you know— SAM: Dragonfly. LAURA: Yeah! That can get across! I could Polymorph. I could Polymorph you and I could Dimension Door me and Yasha. TRAVIS: Sure, okay. MATT: You hear this heavy smacking sound as the fire giant on your side of this courtyard is putting to bed the rest of the bees that have been harrying its kneecap. TRAVIS: Caleb, do you have a plan? LIAM: A plan? TRAVIS: To get across? LIAM: I'm the odd man out. TRAVIS: I'm asking. LIAM: No, there are many things I could do, but I did not do my homework last night that would facilitate those things. SAM: Are you going to bamf with him? Weren't you going to Dimension Door? LAURA: One of us needs to take Yasha, one of us needs to take Caleb. TRAVIS: I'm taking Caleb. LAURA: I'll take Yasha. TRAVIS: You're running balls, you're invisible. SAM: How far can you go? TRAVIS: 90 feet. SAM: That is not across the way. That is just to the other side of the bridge, maybe. LAURA: I thought you could go farther than that, Fjord, that's not as far. TRAVIS: It would be pretty close. We're going to send both of them in the opposite direction. MARISHA: Are we dashing partners, me and you? SAM: Yeah. MARISHA: All right. TRAVIS: Yeah. We don't do any of this until they fucking move away from where we need to go. Ready? MARISHA: I like it. LAURA: Wait. How about I take Caleb the entire distance, you and Yasha bamf 90 feet and run because Caleb is squishy. TRAVIS: Sure, sounds good, I like it. TALIESIN: Should I be invisible at the beginning or at the end? LAURA: Do you want to be Polymorphed? TALIESIN: I can be invisible for 60 feet. LAURA: Okay, well I won't be able to Polymorph you once you're out. TALIESIN: I'll Polymorph, then, I guess. LAURA: Do you keep your intelligence when you're polymorphed? TRAVIS: Here's the order. You're going to Polymorph Caduceus. You're going to go invisible and get started. I'm going to set the diversion and then we start going. MARISHA: And then we're going to go. Okay. SAM: Do you need me to do anything to make the diversion look even more realistic? TRAVIS: I don't think so. SAM: Because I could-- LIAM: Jester, bring the haversack over, open it up so that Beauregard can focus on the mote of possibility. LAURA: Here, Beau. MARISHA: Is that bad? Is that going to send stuff to-- okay. LAURA: Don't take it out just let it in. LIAM: Just look into the bag. Just like huffing gasoline. MARISHA: (deep inhale) SAM: Oh, you're huffing literally right now? MATT: Okay, you take a moment and focus on the dodecahedron. TRAVIS: You are doing that? LAURA and LIAM: It's in the bag. MATT: You take your fragment of possibility. LIAM: Beauregard's face goes into another dimension for a moment. SAM: You got silver paint all over. (laughter) MARISHA: Okay. LAURA: Okay. I'm going to Blessing Of The Trickster you. You're still super stealthy, I don't know if it matters. SAM: Jester. LAURA: What? SAM: It was so wonderful having Nugget around. LAURA: Nugget's just going to run out and he's going to blink and blink and blink as far as he can. SAM: He's going to be fine. LAURA: Yeah. He's going to be fine. TALIESIN: I'm also going to add resistance to you so you can add a d4 to any saving throw for the next 60 seconds. LAURA: It gives you advantage on stealth checks. TALIESIN: You can add a d4 to any saving throw. MATT: All right. TRAVIS: I turn to Yasha and say: When I give you the signal, you and I are going to run towards the river of magma and hold on tight. TALIESIN: Oh boy. MATT: You guys are over on this side here. SAM: This is going to go so good. TALIESIN: This is going to go great. It's a great plan. SAM: Mighty Nein, we have to do this for the memory of Spurt. TALIESIN: Who? SAM: For Spurt! LAURA: He was so cute. SAM: The kobold who was just introduced to us and killed. LAURA: Okay, what should I make you? What do you want to be? TALIESIN: I don't know. Man, there are so many options. What would be fun? I don't know. LAURA: Maybe a dragonfly could be really cool. TALIESIN: I mean, dragonflies are pretty cool. LAURA and TALIESIN: Yeah. LAURA: Okay. Well, if you're a dragonfly, will you remember what you're supposed to do? TALIESIN: Well, I don't know, but to be fair, I'm not sure if I remember what I'm supposed to do anyway. MATT: While you guys are working out the specifics, I'm going to grab something real fast. Keep talking amongst yourselves. LAURA: If you cast Polymorph-- If I were to cast it on myself, I would remember what I was doing. LIAM: Yes, you keep all your thoughts. Look, there's the creative lead of Dungeons & Dragons over there. TALIESIN: Who would be like: "Um, actually--" LIAM: You take all the stat adjustments except for your brains in there, so all your decision making is the same. But dexterity saves and stuff, that's the creature's stats, right? TRAVIS: But Nugget's like, in your pocket, right? LAURA: No, Sprinkle's in my pocket. SAM: Doesn't everyone have the creative lead of D&D; next to them when they play a game? TALIESIN: You get the limited edition from the local store, you know. LAURA: I actually have a question, Matt. MATT: Yes? LAURA: When I Dimension Door, I can take another creature. MATT: Yes. LAURA: Does that mean I can't have Sprinkle on me or else I won't be able to take Caleb. MATT: Correct. LAURA: Okay, I'm going to take Sprinkle off, out of my hood. Okay, Beau? Take care of Sprinkle. TALIESIN: It's on you. LAURA: No, it's okay, Sprinkle. Just hold onto him when you run, okay? Don't let him get left behind. MARISHA: Can't he do-- He's more magical than I am. LAURA: It's Sprinkle, he's my weasel. MARISHA: Oh. LIAM: Just imagine if Jester had teleported away and went with Sprinkle and Caleb is just going: Uh? MATT: I love it. LAURA: Nugget's going to blink, blink, blink. TALIESIN: I'm going to hide, probably in your pocket. I'm going to hide on you as the dragonfly. MARISHA: Okay. I'm a one-woman petting zoo. Let's go. TRAVIS: Three, two, one. LAURA: Polymorph. SAM: Invisible! MATT: So what order are we doing this, guys? LAURA: Polymorph. SAM: Invisible! MATT: So you're Polymorphing Caduceus into what? LAURA and TALIESIN: A dragonfly. TRAVIS: Get your head start, both of you. MATT: I'll say for the purposes of that, we'll say this is you. MARISHA: You're hitching a ride on me. TALIESIN: I'm going to hitch a ride on you. MATT: All right. The dragonfly jumps onto Beau. Beau is now in the position to hold— TRAVIS: You're not just going to fly across the room by yourself? TALIESIN: She's faster. LIAM: Beauregard is now Noah's ark. TALIESIN: You are the Mighty Menagerie. TRAVIS: Beau and Nott, I'm going to give you 15 seconds before we start. SAM: I think we should start with the monster. TRAVIS: It's your call. SAM: Because if I go out there and trip, the jig is up. TRAVIS: Are you going to trip? LAURA: Plus, it's expecting something to come out the door. TRAVIS: All right, fine. I will use Major Image and I will cast the image of a manticore climbing out of the magma river on this side of the bank, roaring at the fire giant and then leap, flying over to the other side. MATT: Okay. TALIESIN: That's epic. SAM: Jar of peanut butter? Get ready for a dick. (laughter) MATT: Out of the molten rock. Wings. (growling) The manticore begins to rise. Both of the giants look confused towards it and then each other. The one with the shields braces the shields in front. The other one, looking off to the side, goes and reaches off to one of the boulders off to the side and grabs it. As it picks it up, those at the front can see, the rock seems to heat up. There are veins of heat on the inside as it grips it. So you create the effect. This is Major Image, right? SAM: Major Image. Visuals and sounds. TRAVIS: Visuals and sounds. MATT: Yes. All right. They're both going to look forward towards it to see what the hell it is. Watching a manticore rise out of magma is insane. LIAM: Very heavy metal. MATT: Correct. TRAVIS: Yeah, he comes out here, roars, and then jumps over. MATT: Correct. The guy with the shields, he's attempting to ascertain, with his investigation, as to what the fuck is going on. He rolled a natural 19 minus one. That's an 18. What's your spell DC? TRAVIS: I think it's a 16. Shit. Where the hell is that on this thing? SAM: Perfect plan. Foiled on the first step. TRAVIS: Anyone know where that is? MARISHA: Your spell save DC? LAURA: It's right at the top of your-- If you hit Spells, it'll say at the top. TRAVIS: Oh. 16. MATT: Yeah. The one with the shields goes like-- just looks confused as it takes off. The other one... LIAM: One? 20? LAURA: What is it? Is it a natural 20? MATT: No, I literally rolled two 19s in a row. LAURA and LIAM: Aw. MATT: I'm sorry! TRAVIS: I'm not. MATT: As the manticore takes off, the one holding the rock is like-- It twists the rock in the other hand and reaches over to the side and grabs a chain and starts ringing this loud bell. It's echoing through the chamber. They're both confused as this thing flies off and they look at each other like-- LAURA: Are they looking at each other? MATT: Yeah, they're looking at each other. What's up next? LAURA: Should we-- MARISHA: Run? Plan still goes? MATT: I can't believe I rolled-- It was such a great idea, I just rolled really high! LAURA: Do we have any other thingies? SAM: Is Invisibility? It's concentration. I can't do anything else. MARISHA: I still have bottle rockets. That's all I got. MATT: Who's doing what? LAURA: Hold on! LIAM: They're clanging? TRAVIS: If we run out of here are we-- How far is his melee, ten feet? MATT: You don't know. SAM: I would say 20. TRAVIS: Massive. LIAM: It's probably ten or 15. MATT: You would imagine it has larger reach than an average creature, being a giant. LAURA: Well, should we just wait until it dies down then go? LIAM: Hey, I'll do it. Caleb leans out the passageway and casts Polymorph on the giant. MATT: On the giant? Okay. What's the save on that? LIAM: It is 16, I believe. MATT: 16 wisdom? LIAM: 16 wisdom. MATT: You got it. For that one, five. LIAM: It's a cow. MATT: (laughs) All right. I don't have a cow mini on me at the moment. TALIESIN: My god, man. MARISHA: How dare you. MATT: I know. How fucking dare I? I'll use this horse. LIAM: You call yourself a dungeon master? Jesus. MATT: So the fire giant suddenly (swoosh) (moo). ALL: (yelling) Go! Run! TRAVIS: We break out. Yasha and I run. MATT: The one over here goes and looks confused at that. Everyone needs to roll initiative on this because you're entered official combat. MARISHA: (singing) Don't fuck me, Gil. LIAM: Oh my god. One. Well, wait, no. There's no natural ones in initiative. That's a three. LAURA: Natural 20! ALL: Eyy! MATT: All righty. 25 to 20. LAURA: 20 plus four. 24. MARISHA: 26. MATT: Damn, Beau. MARISHA: I'm going to burn my boots. MATT: All right. 20 to 15. TALIESIN: 18. TRAVIS: 19. LIAM: If anyone attacks the cow, I'm going to beat you up in the lobby tonight. Don't do it. LAURA: Who would attack the cow? MATT: 15 to ten? TRAVIS: Yasha hates cows. MATT: No one 15 to ten? LIAM: (like Yasha) A cow killed my wife. LAURA: What did Yasha roll? TRAVIS: Nine. MATT: All right. So Yasha's at nine? TRAVIS: Uh-huh. SAM: Seven. LAURA: Hey, Caleb. Polymorph happens immediately so you can do it again. MATT: Caleb at three. LAURA: Oh, you're at the bottom. LIAM: Yeah. It's concentration. MATT: All right. Beau, you're up first. MARISHA: I am hauling ass across the bridge. MATT: All right. (counting) SAM: Oh no, the giant totally sees you. MARISHA: Step of the wind, step of the wind, step of the wind! MATT: As a bonus action. (counting) MARISHA: I get to move 45 feet-- is my movement, so add ten more to both of those. MATT: Oh, right. It's actually ten more, and you still have your action. MARISHA: I don't want to get close to that guy. I'm going to parkour, and then action to run again, but I'm going to swing a little wide. I don't want to fuck with this guy. MATT and MARISHA: (counting) MATT: Beau goes (swoosh) and is already on the opposite side. The giant with the shields goes, (exasperated grunt) and goes to go for a shove and watches her vanish and goes, (confused grunt) and looks back at the tunnel on the other side. She completely just skids off, no effect. LIAM: Usain Bolt just comes (swoosh). TALIESIN: I'm also un-Polymorphed over there, as well. MARISHA: When we get to the other side, I smack Caduceus. TALIESIN: Just squeeze. That's all you've got to-- MATT: Okay, so you go, (smacking and falling) and Caduceus suddenly apparates next to you, almost collapsing you from the weight of his much larger body. TALIESIN: Hi. MARISHA: All right, get off. MATT: You got it, all right. That finishes your go. Jester, you're up. LAURA: I'm going to run up, grab Caleb and Dimension Door to the other side. MATT: All right. (swoosh) On the other side of the tunnel. SAM: Oh no, it's just us. MATT: All right, that finishes Jester's go. Fjord, you're up. TRAVIS: I need Yasha. LAURA: Nugget's going to run and starts running out and fucking blinking as well, oh my god! TRAVIS: (poofing) MATT: There we go. Got me a horse. MARISHA: What is happening? LIAM: (barking, poofing) MATT: Nugget comes out. Blink dogs have a movement of 40, so that's (counting). LAURA: Oh no, he's so cute. SAM: Oh, that's pretty fast. MATT: He's going to do action to run as well, (counting) and then is going to use his teleport ability, which he gets to teleport 40 feet. Gets right there. (panting, teleporting). That finishes your go. Fjord, what are you doing? TRAVIS: Fjord's going to run out and hug to the right, and he's going to head in this direction towards the magma river and go: Yasha, come on! MATT: All right. TRAVIS: 30 feet, okay. That's it. Awesome. Yeah, and I will hold Thunder Step until Yasha is next to me. MATT: You got it. All righty. That ends your turn? TRAVIS: It does. MARISHA: She's next, right? No? MATT: Caduceus, you're up. TALIESIN: I'm going to poke my head out and cast Blindness on the giant. MATT: (counting) You get there to cast it? TALIESIN: Yeah. MATT: All right. What's the DC on that? TALIESIN: 16 constitution. MATT: Constitution. 26. They got a lot of constitution, these fire giants. TALIESIN: Oh, yeah. It was a good thought. MATT: Sorry. TALIESIN: That's all right. No, it was worth the thought. I've got a bonus action, I suppose, still. MATT: You do. TALIESIN: Where have I got my bonus actions? Just for fun, let's give him some more bees. (knocking) Wake up again, guys. I'm going to cast the swarm right in his face. MATT: Isn't that once per long rest, though? TALIESIN: We took a long rest since the last time I used that. LAURA: With the-- oh, we did! MATT: You did, I believe. That's right. All righty. TALIESIN: It's been a while. MATT: The beetles scatter and go-- TALIESIN: I think it's been a long rest. MATT: It has been, yeah. I was thinking of the kobolds, but no. It was earlier, before that. SAM: Your movement's 45? TALIESIN: So yeah. That's a swarm of insects and I think they're going to attack. MATT: Go for it. SAM: I'll be short 30 feet. LAURA: You can go 30 feet? SAM: No. I'll be short 30 feet. TALIESIN: That's-- oh god, that is terrible. It's eight, nine, ten, 11. That's 11 to hit? MATT: They're attacking the shield, and it's burning up the beetles because it's a flaming shield. TALIESIN: I was going to try to get them on the face, but-- MATT: Right. They couldn't quite get there. There's so much shield for it to get to. (sizzling) TRAVIS: Yeah, just popping. TALIESIN: Yeah, and I'm going to pop back in all the way as far as I can, against the wall. MATT: You popped out and-- this is the wall here. This is a tunnel. TALIESIN: Oh, okay. Yeah. MATT: For better appearance here. There, that's the tunnel. All righty. That finishes Caduceus' turn. It is now the fire giants' turn. TRAVIS: Yeah. MATT: Seeing Fjord there. (counting) SAM: Oh, that's lava. He can't walk in there. LAURA: He is going straight through the lava? But there's a bridge! MARISHA: Fuck bridges. MATT: He's going to go ahead-- he doesn't know if he's going to have enough range for it. He's going to attempt his shield charge. SAM: Shield charge. MATT: No, actually. It's going to instead cruise up 30 up to that point and it's going to grab a rock off the ground and chuck it straight at you, Fjord. TRAVIS: Like a rock, or like a rock? MATT: Like a rock. It's about the size of your torso. TRAVIS: Just wanted to check. MATT: It reaches off the side, and it's been sitting next to the lava and it's actually orange on one side from the nearby heat. Picks it up-- drops the shield for a second, picks it up and (swoosh) lobs it right towards you. LIAM: Princess Bride moment. MATT: Oh, that's going to be 32 to hit. SAM: To hit? MATT: Yeah. LIAM: Holy shit. TRAVIS: Oh no. SAM: Miss. TRAVIS: (explosion) Fjord just explodes. LIAM: Just powder. TRAVIS: The second splat on the fucking ground. MATT: You can't tell where Fjord ends and Spurt begins. TRAVIS: Oh, fuck. That definitely hits. MATT: Oh, fuck. All right, that is 34 points of bludgeoning damage. TRAVIS: Okay. MATT: I need you to make a concentration check. MARISHA and LAURA: What? MATT: Because you are currently holding your spell. SAM: Polymorph. MATT: No, not Polymorph. He's holding-- like, when you begin casting your Thunder Step. TRAVIS: Constitution check or saving throw? MATT: It's a constitution saving throw, and you have to have half of 34, that puts it at 17. The DC of 17 you have to beat to maintain concentration. TRAVIS: 20. That was going to be a plan ruiner for the second time. MATT: The boulder slams into you and for a minute your lights just go white. Your eyes go to complete and utter absence of image; just the color white. The pain streaks through you. You can feel the burning scrape of when it impacted your forehead, and as soon as you right yourself, you look down and the spell begins to fade from your fingertips, and you just barely hold on to it. It's like rocketing in your hands. You can see the energy and the thunderous power beginning to build in your palm. That finishes that giant's turn. The cow's going to move. SAM and LIAM: It's going to moo-ve? MATT: Oh god. All right, I don't have movement for a cow here. SAM: Probably 15 feet? TRAVIS: Bison, Buffalo? LIAM: "Speed 40 feet" is what the internet is telling me. MARISHA: No way. SAM: Cows can--? I mean, they're fast. They have four legs. MATT: Yeah, dude, they can move. TRAVIS: (mooing) MATT: Hold on. Cow. There it is: "Large beast, 30 feet" SAM: (singing) What does the cow say? MATT and TRAVIS: (counting) TRAVIS: Jesus. MATT: The cow's going to go ahead and attempt to attack you. LIAM: Just let it happen. Just let it happen. TRAVIS: (ramming) Bitch slap a cow. MATT: 21 to hit. What's your armor class? TRAVIS: That hits. LAURA: The cow gets you? SAM: With what? TRAVIS: They got big-ass teeth. MATT: You take eight points of piercing damage as the cow gores you with its horn. I need you to make another constitution saving throw. TRAVIS: Another constitution saving throw? MATT: Correct. It's DC ten. TRAVIS: Okay, all right. Come on, come on. Natural 20. MATT: Oh my god! Damn it. LIAM: Take 30 points of cow damage. TRAVIS: Next time, you specify dairy cow. MARISHA: This has been too much. MATT: Yasha's turn. TRAVIS: Yasha will use 40 feet of movement to run past the cow to come into contact with Fjord. SAM: Does the cow get an attack of cow-portunity? TALIESIN: The cow is going to probably turn back into a giant when they move. MATT: She just barely makes it around with her 40 feet of movement to get to you, the cow now blocking that space that she was going to run through. TRAVIS: Does the cow get an attack of opportunity? MATT: No, she hasn't left the cow's melee range. TRAVIS: I understand. MATT: Yasha runs up to you and-- TRAVIS: Fjord summons the falchion and stabs it into the ground casting Thunder Step and will go 90 feet in the direction of the tunnel. MARISHA: How many times have we said cow in the past 30 seconds? MATT: Yeah, you guys appear already in the tunnel across the way. SAM: That didn't damage the cow at all, did it? MATT: It does. TRAVIS: It does. It does 3d10 thunder damage. LAURA: Low damage to the cow. TRAVIS: I forgot about that. LAURA: Roll three ones, three ones. TRAVIS: (counting) 20 points of thunder damage. MATT: Is there a save? MARISHA: Is the cow super dexy? TRAVIS: Constitution 16. SAM and MARISHA: Cow-stitution. MATT: 13, fail. Takes 20 damage. TRAVIS: Actually, it takes 22 damage. MATT: (poof) LAURA and TALIESIN: No! MATT: The cow form is sundered as the thunder blast destroys its Polymorph form and then, (grunt) emerging from it: the second fire giant, pissed off, real angry. But that does carry over seven points of thunder damage to the fire giant. TRAVIS: Hey! All right. MARISHA: What did we do? MATT: All right, that finishes Yasha's turn. Nott, you're up. SAM: What the fuck? MARISHA: Nott's the only one! TRAVIS: Super invisible, right? LAURA: You're invisible. SAM: Yeah. LAURA: And I blessed you. SAM: Sure, what does that do again? LAURA: It gives you advantage on stealth. LIAM: That just means you're going to Bilbo Baggins your way across this bridge, motherfucker! LAURA and TRAVIS: Take your time. SAM: Okay, I will stealthily-- LAURA: How long can you stay invisible? SAM: One minute. I will stealthily emerge-- MATT: So you've already cast Invisibility on yourself? SAM: Yes. It's probably been one round now. MATT: There you go. MARISHA: You have to get across that bridge, right? There is no other way? MATT: Your speed is now 35, because you took the halfling feat. SAM: Correct. I will stealthily make my way to the bridge, around the-- MATT: So if you're moving at full speed-- the stealth rules, looking this up right here. As you're invisible, "Impossible to see-- The creature's location can be detected by "any noise it makes, tracks it leaves--" So still means stealth check, but you have advantage on the stealth check. I believe if you're moving your full speed it's disadvantage on stealth? I'm trying to remember. LAURA: But with Blessing of the Trickster it might be balanced out, because you get advantage on-- MATT: If you have disadvantage and advantage it just cancels out, no matter how much you have of each. So it would be just a straight roll. I'll put it there. That's fine. So go ahead and make a stealth check. SAM: 15. Not great. Oh wait, I also get-- I have the hood, the cloak, but it's all canceled out. MATT: It all cancels out. So (counting) that's your movement. As you come through quietly, the giant who just appeared goes-- and looks over. Passive perceptions are 15 and 16. Both giants look, and they see footsteps and they're both like, (grunts). They still don't know-- they know the general vicinity where you are. Anything against you still has disadvantage, but it's still your turn. You still have your bonus action and your attack. SAM: Sure. Yeah, I'll just kill them both. TRAVIS: Yeah, do it. SAM: I can use an action to dash? MATT: Yeah. SAM: Okay. I'll action dash, but not up the bridge. Around the side closest to me. MATT: This way? SAM: Uh-huh. MATT: All right. So five, ten. As soon as the footsteps are happening, it makes an attack of opportunity in your general direction. It has disadvantage on the attack. SAM: Sure. Yeah. MATT: So for this here-- this is with its giant maul. That is a 20 to hit. SAM: Sure, that hits. MATT: Okay. So it's a giant hammer that's large enough that sweeps through the general area and catches you in the back. You take-- TALIESIN: Oh, wow. That's a lot of rolling. LAURA: Does that drop your invisibility once you're hit? SAM: Oh, yeah. I think so. LIAM: Don't kill my goblin, Matthew. MATT: 28 points of bludgeoning damage. SAM: I'll do whatever you call it to halve that. MATT: Okay, so you use your reaction, so that makes it a 14. Go ahead and make a constitution saving throw, DC ten, to try and maintain concentration on Invisibility. SAM: Oh, it doesn't just automatically drop? MATT: No. SAM: What kind of check? MATT: Constitution saving throw. SAM: Ten. MATT: You just barely maintain concentration. That was the base DC. TRAVIS: You maintain? LAURA: Yeah, she's still invisible. MATT: 15, 20, 25. You still have ten more feet of movement there. SAM: Under the bridge. MATT: Okay. SAM: And-- (pained screaming) I'm coming for you, Spurt! MATT: You're under the bridge now. SAM: And then I will press my body to the bridge and bonus action just hide. MATT: Go for it. Go ahead and make a stealth check. This is with advantage. SAM: Thank jesus! Terrible. This is stealth? MATT: Yes. SAM: 18. MATT: 18. Okay. TRAVIS: Just wait, just wait. Don't do anything yet. MATT: They both saw where you went, but they don't know exactly where you are. That finishes your turn. Caleb, you're up, if you want to do anything. LIAM: Ja, I'm going to lean out. I'm going to extend my middle finger to the giant on the bridge, mutter a few arcane words around my hand, and cast Banishment. MATT: Okay. What's the save on that? LIAM: 16 charisma. Components are an item distasteful to the target. MATT: Gotcha. Natural 19 plus five. I'm rolling really fucking good for these guys. SAM: Good, that's good. MATT: That is ridiculous. LAURA: Big fire giants, they are really-- MATT: They are. That's a plus five-- TRAVIS: This is vengeance for the traffic cone guys. MATT: There you go. LIAM: So for my movement, I am going to just take a step, not back in, but to the side. MATT: There? LIAM: Actually, and I will walk-- To the other side of the dog. MATT: There? LIAM: Yeah, right there. MATT: All right. Okay. Is that your turn? LIAM: Yeah. And I'm just looking for Nott. MATT: You got it. That finishes your go, to the top. Beau, anything? Are you staying put? MARISHA: I am going to peek around the corner. And I'm going to hold my action to run and grab Nott, if I see her. MATT: To what? To-- MARISHA: To run and grab Nott, if I see her. MATT: Okay, you got it. That's your action. MARISHA: I'll hold, though. MATT: Jester, your turn. You doing anything? LAURA: Sure. Yes, I am going to. MATT: You're back in the tunnels, so you have to move out to really get a good view. LAURA: Yeah, I'm going to just pop my head and out and see what's happening. MATT: All right. LAURA: And I'm going to cast... Jesus. MATT: Fjord, you're on deck. SAM: Cast Jesus. LAURA: Fuck. Okay I'm not concentrating anymore. I'm going to Invoke Duplicity. MATT: Okay. Where are you placing your— LAURA: I'm going to send my duplicate 30 feet in front of me. MATT: Right there. LAURA: And then I'm going to make her run out and leap over the lava and land on the other side. MATT: As it is an illusory duplicate, it does not need to make a check. It just appears to leap and land. LAURA: And then she's going to act like she's readying for the fight and getting ready to cast something. MATT: Okay. I will say, make a deception check. LAURA: Okay. LIAM: Come on, La. Come on. LAURA: God fucking dammit. Seven. MATT: Okay. SAM: I think it worked. MATT: That finishes your turn, Jester. SAM: Our deceptions are so deceptive. MATT: Fjord, you're up. TRAVIS: Yeah, I don't want to draw any more attention to the cave, because that's where he's got to go. SAM: Do not. They haven't found me yet. TRAVIS: I'm going to do nothing. That's my turn. MATT: All righty. Caduceus. TALIESIN: I am definitely not 30 feet away from that big mo with the-- MATT: Nope. TALIESIN: I would have to get way out there to be 30 feet. MATT: You would have to get a lot closer than you are, yes. TALIESIN: I am 60 feet away from Nott, however, correct? MATT: You are actually further than 60 feet from Nott. TALIESIN: But getting 60 feet from Nott is not-- MATT: Not too bad. You can move 15 feet and get pretty close. TALIESIN: And then hop back in. MATT: You could do that, yes. TALIESIN: All right. I'm going to hop out and-- LAURA: You don't know where Nott went. TALIESIN: Oh, that's right. I don't know where Nott is, do I? MATT: Yeah. You walk out and go-- And don't see Nott. TALIESIN: Then I would have just... TRAVIS: You going to join me on the nope train? TALIESIN: I'm going to be on the nope train. MATT: All right, do you move back in? TALIESIN: Yeah. In fact, if anything-- LAURA: You could prep a healing for when you see Nott. TALIESIN: Yeah, I'm going to hold a healing spell for-- MATT: What spell? TALIESIN: Oh, just Cure Wounds. Just the bonus action one. MATT: You got it. Okay, now it's their turn. The dreadnaught is going to step off there and use its shield charge against the bridge. Stepping forward and slamming into the stone there. TRAVIS: But my fake manticore is still flying around! MATT: It is. And there's a lot of people really confused out by that citadel. SAM: (screeching) TRAVIS: Whatever that citadel is. We should go attack the citadel. MATT: Ooh. LIAM: Fuck our culture. MATT: The whole bridge comes crashing down. LIAM: Oh, man. MATT: Into the lava there. This bridge part collapses. Nott, I need you to make a dexterity check. Or saving throw, please. LAURA: Saving throw. SAM: 19. MATT: 19. You avoid some of the damage. You manage to just skitter out of the way. So you take half. That puts you at, it would be 14 down to 7 points of bludgeoning damage. LAURA: If she would have rolled a one, would she be in the lava? MATT: Yeah. So pushes into this area, knocks the bridge over, continues the movement into that point there. This one here is going to go ahead and move forward. SAM: Do I have to make a concentration check? MATT: You do, yes. SAM: 18. MATT: You're fine. And it's going to use its action try to perceive you. It has no idea where you are. That is total-- you rolled an 18, right? SAM: I believe so. MATT: Still cannot see you. TRAVIS: What's your jumping distance? MATT: All right. Yasha's turn. Anything? TRAVIS: Negative. Nope train. MATT: Yasha's staying put. Nott, your turn. SAM: I close my eyes and imagine my beautiful husband waiting for me, needing me, and I run across the lava. LAURA: No. SAM: With my ring of water walking. MATT: Okay. You can do it. You can. You run across. (burning) SAM: Not right at the giant. I'll go around in a-- LAURA: Can you leap on the crumbled bridge parts? SAM: Sure, I'll try to leap on some rocks. MATT: It's up to you. Are you going to try and leap across? SAM: Are there chunks in the water? MATT: Yes, there is one chunk here that is splashing and hasn't sunken in yet. SAM: All right. I'll do that. MATT: All right. Go ahead and make an athletics check, we'll say, just to try and-- SAM: Just a check? MATT: Yep. SAM: Ten. MATT: That's fine. That's the base you needed. (swish) Making it across this way. As you rush across, though, the movement catches its attention. It gets an attack of opportunity on you. However, it's at disadvantage on the attack. So that would be 17 to hit. SAM: My armor class, as of today, is 18. TRAVIS: Because of the level up? SAM: Yeah. TRAVIS: Oh my god. MATT: As soon as you rush up and leap in the air, it sees the push off of rocks and backhands with the hammer, and as it swings out you pull your legs up and it just barely (swoosh) misses from beneath your feet as you tuck them closer to your chest and land on that rock piece there. So that's (counting). You can attempt one more jump. SAM: Absolutely. MATT: Athletics check. SAM: Less. It's nine. MATT: Nine. (burning sound) So the good news is you don't (splash) into it, because lava doesn't really work that way. However, it's a lot of fire damage. Yeah, I'm trying to remember where that is. TALIESIN: You get to keep moving though, right? LIAM: This is what happened the last time we went to the Underdark. TALIESIN and MARISHA: Yeah! MATT: Yeah, it is. TALIESIN: Man, you had to regrow a leg. MATT: That's right! MARISHA: Oh my god, it's going to happen again! MATT: Okay, pardon me here-- TRAVIS: What is that citadel? LIAM: It's just where these people live, man. MATT: It's not in that book. SAM: Other beautiful book. LIAM: But they are really gorgeous to look at. SAM: Chris Perkins, ladies and gentlemen. LIAM: Yeah, hats off. Great books. SAM: Book designer. Lead book designer. LAURA: Lava fire damage is what you're looking up right now? MATT: Yeah, it's all good. Thank you, Google. LAURA: I remember this being ludicrously horrible. MATT: It's pretty bad. It's pretty bad. TALIESIN: It's going to be fine. LIAM: It took several days of Pike giving me good mojo to heal. LAURA: And that was before we did the full lava damage. MATT: On page 249 of the Dungeon Master's Guide. LIAM: Holy shite. SAM: Did Chris just say that? LAURA: Yeah. MATT: Bless you. TALIESIN: Monster! I got a plan. LAURA: I got a better plan. TALIESIN: I got a plan. Everything's going to be fine. SAM: Sure. TALIESIN: I got a plan. LAURA: Do you have the ability to roll back time? TALIESIN: Yeah. TRAVIS: (singing) If I could turn back time. TRAVIS and MARISHA: (singing) If I could find a way. MATT: All right. Your foot hits the edge and just skips. You fall back and land and hit the lava on your back and legs. The ring keeps you from sinking into it, so I'm not giving you full submerged damage, so you don't take the full 18d10. (shocked screaming) LIAM: Don't you take my goblin mom away! TRAVIS: 9d10? MARISHA: Yeah, is that 9d10? MATT: It is. TRAVIS: (chanting) Ones! Ones! SAM: If he rolls a one on all of them, I'll be okay. MARISHA: Are you full health? TALIESIN: No. LIAM: It's going to be around 45. MARISHA: Because you got baseball-batted. TRAVIS: He's counting. LIAM: What's your full HP? SAM: I'm not at full HP. LIAM: Oh shit. It's got to be low then to survive that. MATT: 48 points of fire damage. SAM: Can I use my whatever it's called-- Uncanny Dodge? MATT: It's not an attack. SAM: It doesn't work. It's an effect. MATT: You can't really dodge the fire. TALIESIN: Here's the thing though: I am holding a healing spell for the second I see him. MATT: A Cure Wounds which has to be up next to him. TALIESIN: No, Healing Word. I'm so sorry-- MATT: You said Cure Wounds earlier-- TALIESIN: I meant the 60 foot because-- I was trying for the 60 foot range. I am so sorry. I said the wrong thing because I was not running out there. I was going for the 60 foot range. SAM: He did say, "I'm within 60 feet of Nott." MATT: I'll allow it, all right. I need you to make a constitution saving throw please. SAM: I mean, I'm dead, so-- TRAVIS: You're unconscious. SAM: I'm unconscious. MATT: Oh, you're unconscious? Oh, okay. TALIESIN: So the second I see-- MATT: The second Nott falls, you see a burst of fire and Nott's unconscious body is currently in flames. TRAVIS and MATT: Becomes visible. TALIESIN: The second Nott is visible, I cast Cure Wounds. I cast Healing Word. I'm so sorry. MATT: All right, so go ahead and roll that. TALIESIN: I don't have to roll it. MATT: That's right, because you are a grave cleric. TALIESIN: You are 17 points up. SAM: Oh. MATT: You're also on fire. SAM: Oh great. TRAVIS: 18d10? What is the matter with you, Perkins? Didn't you know this moment was coming when you made those rules?! MARISHA: Blame Perkins for everything. TRAVIS: I get that lava is dangerous, but fuck! LIAM: So what I did last time did not work so I am going to change tactics and I am going to cast instead Polymorph on the same giant-- MATT: Okay, on the big one? LIAM: Yeah. MATT: What are you polymorphing them into? LIAM: A giant octopus. MATT: Okay. So that is a what? LIAM: 16 wisdom. MATT: 16 wisdom. That is a 15. The large giant suddenly turns into a large octopus. LIAM: He has a movement of ten. MATT: I will say for the purposes of not having a giant octopus thing, we will just use that for now. SAM: It's actually pretty close. MATT: It's aquatic in nature. It suddenly (wet impacts) and is now trying to pull itself forward on its new cephalopod body. So that's your action, Caleb. LIAM: I'm going to move back into the-- nope. I'm going to stay right there. MATT: Okay, that ends your turn. Beau, you're up. MARISHA: I was holding my action to go run and grab Nott. MATT: So as soon as that happened, you would be (counting) 35. So you move up with your action. You haven't grabbed yet. That was your holding your dash. MARISHA: I'm going to grab flaming Nott. MATT: So you reached down and the flames are burning your hand. The heat is causing the skin on your face and arms to begin to bubble from just the sheer intensity of it. As you reach down and pull Nott's flaming body up from the lava, Nott, your eyes come open at that moment and you realize you're on fire, but Beau is holding you. SAM: (screams) MARISHA: Through the flames. (screams) MATT: You're going to go ahead and--? MARISHA: Dash back. Step of the wind! MATT: Well, you still have a movement and your bonus so it was just your action to pick up-- it's half-speed to drag somebody with you so you move 20 feet (counting) and then you can move (counting) 15 to get Nott into the tunnel. MARISHA: And then I stop, drop, and roll with Nott. MATT: Okay. That would be your next turn because that was all your actions left. LIAM: That was a lot. TRAVIS: That was amazing. What are you talking about? We're fine. MATT: Jester, your turn. You see Beau suddenly rush in and drop to the ground and Nott is on fire. MARISHA: Are we both on fire or-- MATT: Nott currently is the only one on fire but you do take five points of fire damage just from the proximity of reaching out and grabbing Nott's body. MARISHA: Sure. LAURA: Okay. LIAM: Caleb's standing like a doofus because he didn't want to leave Nott so he's still out there. TRAVIS: Kill that fire giant with your duplicity. LAURA: Yeah! I'm going to run up with my duplicate and cast Inflict Wounds at 3rd-level. TRAVIS: Kick him in the shin. LAURA: Just kick him! LIAM: Just make him mad. MATT: Go for it. Roll for an attack. MARISHA: Come on! Yes! TALIESIN: This is not a bad idea. MARISHA: You are their god! LIAM: To keep it occupied: the octopus is going nowhere. LAURA: 17 plus eight. 25! MATT: That hits. Go ahead and roll damage. LAURA: 5d10! Oh! 30?! (counting) 36 points. MATT: 36 points of necrotic damage. As your duplicate rushes forward and reaches out and grabs the knee right in front of the storming fire giant. You watch as the surge of divine energy goes from a blue to a green to a black and as it pierces the knee cap and shoots up the leg, the giant just howls in extreme pain and while it was currently focused and reaching down for another boulder while watching Beau carry Nott away, it suddenly drops the rock, grabs its hammer, and looks down at your duplicate, furious. LIAM: Ooh, meniscus tear. MATT: All right, that finishes your turn, Jester? Is that your turn? LAURA: That's-- yeah. I mean, that's all I could do. MATT: All right, Fjord. Anything? LAURA: Or-- no, that was my action. TALIESIN: I mean, you could grab Caleb. I don't know. TRAVIS: No, Caleb can walk his happy ass inside. No, Fjord is doing nothing. MARISHA: Let's bounce. TRAVIS: Fjord's doing nothing. MATT: Nothing? All right. Caduceus? LAURA: Heal Nott or put the fire out or something. You guys can put the fire out on Nott at least. SAM: (screams) TRAVIS: I thought you put it out? Oh yeah, I will run over and pat the fire out. MATT: Okay, you use your action to put the fire out on Nott. MATT: You're just watching. "You got this." TRAVIS: Yeah. You good? MARISHA: Looks fine to me. TALIESIN: I'm holding Stone Shape. MATT: You got it. That brings us to their turn. This one is going to-- LIAM: Ten feet of movement! MATT: No, just up there and then dashes. LIAM: What? Okay. MATT: It's still not in range but it's curling over the ruins of the bridge. Your blink dog gets into your space there. Now at the end of Polymorph, it doesn't get a saving throw, right? I don't believe. LIAM: I don't think so. It's just that unless it gets hit. MATT: Yeah, that's what I thought it was. Okay. All righty. LIAM: Lasts for the duration or until the target drops to zero hit points-- MATT: Right, it's just concentration. That's right. Cool. The other fire giant is going to-- it does not discern that this is an illusion and just spends its turn with two giant hammer swings towards your illusory Jester just through it with no effect. Angrily swings again. No effect. Definitely knows it's an illusion now but wasted its entire turn doing that. That being the case, it's going to go ahead and move. (counting) 20. The thing sinks into the lava and its feet (sizzling sounds) into it. Doesn't matter. It is now starting to step out of the lava. Has one leg up and its hammer ready, and it's just steaming towards like you like an angry freight train. That ends their turn. Moving forward, Yasha's up. Anything? TRAVIS: Yasha will put her hand on Fjord and hit healing hands, giving him seven hit points and yell to Caleb: Caleb! MATT: All right, Nott's turn. SAM: (screams) Am I on fire? MATT: No. Fjord has put the fire out. SAM: Then I will stick my head out through the door and shoot a crossbow bolt at that giant that is stalking my friend Caleb. Not great. 16. MATT: 16 misses or it hits but it hits the plate armor in its chest and just ricochets off. SAM: I shoot him again. Bonus action. Not great. 17. MATT: 17. Actually, it hits the armor and gets stuck but it didn't pierce enough to actually hurt the giant. SAM: Okay. That's it. MATT: All right, that finishes your go. Caleb, your turn. LIAM: For an action, I will disengage and juke left-right and run into the hole. TALIESIN: The second Caleb is through the hole, the stone is sealing. The entire door is gone. It's just rock again. MATT: The entire door wall closes off with five feet of stone. TRAVIS: Five feet is not enough. We must keep running. MATT: As soon as that happens, you're like, "Awesome. All right, let's go!" and you hear (pounding) from the back. The stone is already (cracking). TRAVIS: Must go faster. MATT: All right. You guys go running and running. You hear the impacts from behind get more and more distant as you feel like you've managed to safely make your way beyond this strange encounter from the outskirts of this unknown fire giant citadel. And that's when we'll finish tonight's episode.

Post-Show
(cheering) LIAM: Chris! Join us at the table. TALIESIN: Dude! Come here. TRAVIS: Holy shit. LAURA: Oh my goodness gracious. CHRIS: Somebody wrote a poem for me: Here lay the chunks / Of a kobold named Spurt / He beat his skunks / So they wouldn't squirt. / He feared no foes / And snacked on scat / But against a giant's blows / He soon went splat. (cheering) MATT: Who sent that? CHRIS: That was Dusty Patron of Hugs, @geonerd. LAURA: That was lovely. MATT: Well done. Well, thank you guys. Thank you so much Chris for jumping in. LAURA and TALIESIN: Yay! TALIESIN: That was such a surprise. TRAVIS: Fuck you and your magma damage. 18d8. Oh my god. MATT: Just to remind everyone: we are taking a week off from Critical Role next Thursday and Talks will be off on that Tuesday the 12th so we'll be back the 14th at 7pm here. LAURA: Also, poster and prints in the store now. Art prints. I'm still talking like Jester and we still have our awesome shirt. SAM: But Talks is going to be on this Tuesday? MATT: Yes, this Tuesday but not the Tuesday after. But yeah, we'll see you soon enough. Until then, we love you guys, have a wonderful week, and is it Thursday yet? Good night. TRAVIS: Oh my god.