Daring Days/Transcript

Pre-Show
SAM: – about the company itself who

so kindly sponsors us and about their founder,

one Ebenezer Lootacrata. Born on a silk-worm farm

in Budapest in 1919, Ebenezer Lootacrata was a

unique child. His siblings– Claudrica, Piterca,

Dominocos, and Bob– would always play checkers,

but Ebenezer was fascinated by the box they came

in. In fact, he was obsessed with boxes.

Did he wear briefs? No, boxers. He traded in his

backpack for a backbox. He wouldn’t eat jelly from

jars. He scooped it out of a large pine jelly box.

Dick-in-a-box? He invented that in 1930.

And in 1937 he packed up everything that was

special to him– one shirt, one sticker, one comic

book, and one toy– placed them in a crate and set

off for college. One day later, he was expelled

from college because he did not own pants.

But he had a vision! A revolutionary idea!

Before, people had boxes and people had cool

stuff, but he dared to put the cool stuff inside

the boxes! He named his company “Lootacrata”.

In America we bastardize it as Loot Crate,

but history has never been the same.

MATT: Thank you, Sam. Very informative.

SAM: And you guys should know that you should go

to lootcrate.com/criticalrole. Promo code this

week, to celebrate the arrival of Taryon

Darrington to Critical Role, please use code

“Tary”, that’s T-A-R-Y, for 10% off your first

month’s order. We at Loot Crate welcome Taryon

Darrington and look forward to his adventures.

He totally isn’t the worst. Definitely not the

worst character to ever appear on Critical Role.

Actually, we’ve changed our mind.

Please use the code “criticalrole”.

(all laugh)

TRAVIS: Do you know how many people are going to

go to their website and enter in “Taryon”.

They’re like “What the fuck!?” “Code not

received.”

MARISHA: It’s an ARG, I know it!

MATT: Exactly.

TALIESIN: It’s perfect. They’ll enter ‘Tary’ and

be disappointed.

MATT: Tary’s the new Sombra.

(all laugh)

MARISHA: My subscription went up three dollars?

Aw.

(all laugh)

MATT: Hey, at least it’s in character.

MARISHA: Worse.

MATT: Thank you, Sam. Appreciate it. All righty,

so, a number of us, if the weather is with us– as

a giant storm apparently just blew into the west

coast– are intending to fly out tomorrow to Anime

Milwaukee. So it’ll be me and Marisha–

TRAVIS: Wisconsin!

MATT: Yes!

MARISHA: It’s gonna be cold.

MATT: It’s gonna be cold. With Travis, Laura,

myself, and Marisha will be out there along with

a bunch of other awesome guests, so hopefully

we’ll see you guys there very soon. Also,

as far as the merch goes, apparently we’re out of

dice! Right? We’re out of dice. Dice are gone.

LAURA: We even ordered a lot this time, but we’re

out.

SAM: But what will the people do? What will they

roll?

LAURA: Well, maybe they’ll roll something extra

special later. I don’t know.

TALIESIN: (laughs)

MATT: You speak like you know what you’re talking

about.

TRAVIS: What a tease. What a tease.

SAM: You have no idea.

LAURA: We do still have bracelets. We do still

have pins. We do still have a few socks left.

We still have shirts!

TALIESIN: The Gilmore shirt is back–

LAURA: We have Gilmore shirts. We have a few– We

have Strongjaw shirts! Are you wearing yours?

TRAVIS: Nope.

LAURA: No.

MATT: (laughs)

LAURA: There’s our Critical Role logo shirt! All

these shirts are still available in the store!

LIAM: He’s wearing it on his face. That’s

Strongjaw.

LAURA: This is Strong– this is a strong jaw.

LIAM: Wears it every day.

TALIESIN: You should work in radio.

TRAVIS: They don’t want me.

LAURA: That’s all I got.

MATT: No worries. Thank you, Laura. Marisha,

do you want to talk about Signal Boost? I guess

Amy Dallen just had her run, right?

MARISHA: Yeah! Amy Dallen had her episode.

It’s great. This week is Eric Campbell coming up

in the run. And you should go– (airhorn noises)–

and you should go watch ‘em.

LAURA: We gotta stop.

MARISHA: Yeah, where does that end? Once you

stop– once you pop you just don’t stop– oh god,

now it’s a Pringles reference. Okay, go watch

Signal Boost!

MATT: (laughs) Well done!

SAM: And eat Pringles.

(all laugh)

MARISHA: Not boosted on the Signal Boost.

But could be!

MATT: Indeed. (In Scottish accent) And there’s a

new thing called Wednesday Club. You want to talk

about that? What’s that about, Taliesin? Tell us

about that!

TALIESIN: For anybody who reads comic books

normally, you know that Wednesdays is when comic

books get released at comic book stores all across

the country. And if you’re a big comic book nerd–

and you had a really fun comic book store– you

would go on a Wednesday night and hang out with

all the other comic book nerds and have

six-week-long conversations on who would win in a

fight, Superman or Thor.

SAM: Thor.

TALIESIN and TRAVIS: Superman.

TALIESIN: Actually, funny enough. You don’t go to

a Wednesday Club, so you–

SAM: Thor’s a god.

TALIESIN: Well, now you have a show to watch.

So now that I don’t really have time to do that

any more, we thought it would be fun to just do it

here with all of our comic book nerds, so Amy

Dallen and Matt Key and I are going to be talking

comics every Wednesday from noon to two on the

Twitch stream and we’re going to–

LAURA: Yay!

TALIESIN: Yay!

MARISHA: New shows!

TALIESIN: New show! The Wednesday Club, and we’re

going to try and make it fun to watch, and easy if

you’ve not picked up a book in ages and you’ve

maybe thought about getting into comics,

or you had some kids and now the comic books have

just turned into giant shreds of paper.

MARISHA: Yeah, it’s not a news show.

TALIESIN: We’re not talking news. We’re just

talking fun, cool comic book facts, and our first

episode is going to be “Origin Stories” were we

talk about why we got into comic books, and then

starting the week after we’re going to be talking

about cool characters, team-ups, classic runs of

books, anything and everything. It’s going to be

great.

TRAVIS: Crossovers?

TALIESIN: No crossovers. Never mention

crossovers.

SAM: Special guests?

TALIESIN: Special guests! We will have special

guests and not-so-special guests– you can come,

too. So yes! Wednesday Club, we’ll be talking

about comic books! It’s going to be great!

LAURA: Yaaay!

LIAM: So exciting!

MATT: Thank you, Taliesin.

TALIESIN: Check us out on Wednesday.

MATT: Also, there’s a game called For Honor that

just came out

that a couple of you assholes are in.

LIAM: Oh, it’s on the shelves, we’ve been playing

it for weeks here!

TRAVIS: Yeah!

LIAM: You can play it as well if you go to your

local shop or download it or get it at a store–I

already said that but you can play samurais– we

have no samurais here. You can play knights–

Hey!– or you can play Vikings– you can use this

guy!

TRAVIS: Buuhh, Vikings!

LAURA: What kind of Viking are you?

TRAVIS: (loud belch) The male raider.

LAURA: The raider.

TRAVIS: It comes out Tuesday, February 14th on all

gaming platforms.

LAURA: That’s yesterday.

MATT: That was two days ago.

TRAVIS: It’s Valentine’s Day– I didn’t…

miss…

(all laugh)

LAURA: Our Valentine’s Day consisted of me making

chili and then us going to Menchie’s.

TRAVIS: And farting a lot.

LAURA: Yup!

MATT: There ya go!

LAURA: It was a gooood Valentine’s Day.

TALIESIN: It’s good chili, to be fair.

MATT: You got out of the house, though.

TRAVIS: That’s true.

MARISHA: We watched Jurassic World and Suicide

Squad.

TRAVIS: You did both of those?

MARISHA: We wanted to get caught up on our,

like–

MATT: Bad movies.

MARISHA: – questionably bad movies.

TRAVIS: That’s a bunch of stank.

MATT and LAURA: Yeah.

MATT: No, we had to sit quietly for an hour

afterward, just to take it all in.

MARISHA: My favorite is Rick Flag just shouting

exposition

through Suicide Squad and that’s his purpose.

TRAVIS: Yeah.

MATT: Including Katana’s needless arrival–

Anyway! This is not this night’s game of D&D.

TALIESIN: I went to Underworld and met some

Critters, it was good.

MATT: That’s awesome!

MARISHA: Oh! That’s a better Valentine’s Day.

LIAM: You know, honestly, you two having the time

to sit down and watch two bad movies–

TRAVIS: Here it comes.

LIAM: When I don’t have time to watch one good

movie–

LAURA: Here we go. Here we go.

LIAM: – is offensive. That is offensive to me.

TRAVIS: You have the joy of children in your

life!

MARISHA: Yeah!

LAURA: That’s right.

TRAVIS: The beacons of hope in life. Of future

generations.

(all laugh)

MARISHA: You have spawn.

LAURA: Gulp gulp gulp gulp!

TRAVIS: He’s so thirsty! He’s just dehydrated.

MARISHA: They’ll be holding your hand, you know,

in later years.

LIAM: It will help me when I’m dying. That is

true–

TALIESIN: Pushing you slowly off the edge.

MATT: Yes.

We’re just gonna be somewhere in a forest,

lost, screaming to each other, Help!

So that’s our future.

LIAM: I guess it’s time to climb this mountain and

throw myself off.

TRAVIS: That’s a good way to go.

MATT: Cultural heritage of ours.

MARISHA: This is my child. This’s what I’ve

accomplished.

MATT: Last but not least, quick little note,

due to the current difficulties with green cards

and people that are in the country who weren’t

born here, one of our fantastic crew members,

Amandine, unfortunately is having to leave and go

back to Switzerland. This is her last episode of

Critical Role. She’s been a tremendously amazing

member of our team, and we’ve loved having her

here, and we certainly know this is not the last

we’ll see of her, but this’ll be her last show for

awhile, so I just wanted to bring her out and say

hi to the community real fast.

TRAVIS: Aw, yeah! Come on out!

(all applaud)

MATT: Come here. You’ve been amazing.

AMANDINE: Thank you.

SAM: If anyone would like to sponsor-slash-marry

her, she could stay–

(all laugh)

SAM: – and she could stay on the crew. Just a

quick little marriage.

MATT: We all tried, everyone here did our best,

but we’re going to

miss you terribly and you’ve been amazing.

AMANDINE: I will miss you too.

MARISHA: I know, you’ve been great, man.

LAURA: You’re amazing.

MARISHA: She’s been working on Talks Machina,

kicking ass.

MATT: Yeah, she’s been kicking ass on set.

SAM: She’s why it looks good now.

MARISHA: Really, yeah.

MATT: Seriously, so, everyone send your love,

give your hearts out, and yeah, we’ll look

forward to seeing your adventures as you progress

and we’ll bring you back as soon as we can.

We’ll find a way.

AMANDINE: Okay.

LAURA: Yeah!

MARISHA: We love you!

MATT: Thank you.

AMANDINE: Thank you, guys.

TRAVIS: Woo-woo!

SAM: Let’s bring the show to her!

MATT: Yeah, perfect! We’re coming to Switzerland!

TALIESIN: I’m okay with that.

MATT: Guys. Let’s go ahead and jump into tonight’s

episode… of Critical Role.

[opening credits]

PART I
MATT: Welcome back, everyone. So. As we left off

on the adventures of Vox Machina, you had just

finished destroying the long-standing reign and

terrorizing assault of the Chroma Conclave across

the face of Tal'Dorei. As you finished that

chapter, defeating Raishan and collecting the

remnants of the necromancer’s sanctum of where the

final battle took place, you returned with the

unfortunately fallen corpse of your friend,

Scanlan Shorthalt. You succeeded in the

resurrection, however upon returning from

Vasselheim, Scanlan coming to consciousness,

it was discovered that Scanlan was in a place in

his life where he needed to take some time with

his estranged and recently discovered daughter.

And arguments ensued, and agreement was had that

he would step away from Vox Machina to follow his

own path. The group took a period to mourn,

and then began to decide what their next layer of

plans were, what loose ends still were held out

there, and you made your way to the city of

Ank'Harel on the continent of Marquet to return

the right hand of Ripley, the person responsible

for assassinating a member of the Scarbearers

within the Debt’s Respite tavern in the city.

As you made your way past the bazaar towards the

inn, on the outside you saw what appeared to be a

large humanoid structure built of iron and metal

walking on its own behind a very flashily dressed

blond gentleman with goatee and a, for lack of a

better term, braggartly demeanor who managed to

weasel his way into the company of Vox Machina and

to continue his adventures alongside theirs as his

robot friend Doty continued to archive it in his

book of his adventures. And that is where we left

off. As you guys step into the relatively empty

interior of the Debt’s Respite at this hour,

with this individual Taryon Darrington in tow.

TRAVIS: Is that really his name?

LAURA: That’s his name.

SAM: Still his name.

LAURA: Taryon Darrington.

SAM: Still his name.

LAURA: We agreed to bring him along because he’s

paying us.

MATT: Correct.

LAURA: That is an important fact.

MATT: That is a very important fact.

TRAVIS: Oi, T– Tar–

SAM: Friends call me Tary, Jumbo.

TRAVIS: Tary Jumbo.

SAM: No, you’re Jumbo, I’m Tary.

TRAVIS: Jumbo– Tar– I’m Tary. Can you spell out

your name for me on a piece of parchment?

SAM: Sure. Do you write?

TRAVIS: Frequently.

SAM: T-A-R-Y-O-N-D-A-R-R-I-N-G-T-O-N

TRAVIS: No, no. I asked you to spell it out on a

piece of parchment.

SAM: Oh, you want me to write it down.

TRAVIS: Yeah, I’m, uh, I study handwriting.

SAM: I understand. A scholarly mind is not a thing

to shirk. Doty, write out my name in the finest

calligraphy and give him a page.

MATT: (writing noises) And the hand seems to pick

up speed

and start rapidly whipping across the page–

TRAVIS: Whoa.

MATT: (tearing paper noise) Tears it out and

presents it to you rather forcefully just over

Taryon’s head. And it is pretty fine calligraphy,

actually. Not that you can appreciate it.

TRAVIS: I know.

MATT: It just looks like a god damn scribble.

(all laugh)

LAURA: Scribbles!

TRAVIS: Mm! Yes. Uh-huh. Thank you.

SAM: You’re quite welcome, Jumbo.

TRAVIS: Oh my god, behind you!

SAM: What, what is it?

TRAVIS: It was nothing. I’m always looking out for

this group, though. Thank you.

SAM: Are you the leader of this collection of

individuals? You are the biggest.

TRAVIS: No, I’m–

LAURA: Our leader isn’t with us right now.

TRAVIS: Yeah, just the biggest.

SAM: Hm. All right. Have we already begun our

mission that we’re on right now?

TRAVIS: Nope.

SAM: Oh.

TRAVIS: We just got here and then you started

talking.

SAM: You’re right.

TALIESIN: I’m getting drinks for everybody.

I assume we’ve got the table at this point.

MATT: The entire establishment pretty much is full

except for a couple of individuals that you

remember from before who are kind of masquerading

as patrons, but each, while they have their drink

in front of them, they haven’t touched it,

and they have their hand on the side of their

sword belts. At the bar, there is nobody currently

manning it. And as this conversation’s occurring

you do see the familiar face of Treev Bonebreaker,

the bronze Dragonborn who is the Scarbearer Head

here within the facility, turn the corner into the

room. It looks like he’s wiping out what looks to

be a large tankard, as he kind of like gives it a

shine and looks over.

“Well, look at that. It looks like they all

returned. It’s not often you see folks who are at

“least trying to stick to their word.”

LAURA: Well, that’s us–

TRAVIS: We’ve been here before?

LAURA: – promise keepers. Yes, dear.

TRAVIS: Oh.

TALIESIN: We’re trying to stick to our word at the

very least.

MARISHA: Key word is ‘try’. Mainly by avoiding

death at this point.

MATT: One would recommend that.

MARISHA: Yeah.

MATT: Yeah.

TALIESIN: Vax? Who has–

LAURA: Grog.

TALIESIN: Grog!

LAURA: I believe.

MARISHA: The bag of holding.

TRAVIS: Oh god, don’t point to me, I forgot we

were even here.

LAURA: Or maybe, unless you meant to say me and

you said Vax.

TALIESIN: No!

LAURA: Because why would Vax have anything,

I’m the one with the bag of colding.

LIAM: See, actually, this is one of those

instances where it

sounded halfway between Vax and Vex–

TALIESIN: It was not, it was a “Vax.”

LIAM: It could work for either of us.

TALIESIN: I will definitely, I will stand behind

that.

MARISHA: Sure, it was like a long 'a’ like a

Vaaax.

LAURA: Vaaax.

LIAM: It’s the “ae” thing.

TALIESIN: It was Vax, it was not a Vex.

SAM: What’s your name? I am a bit confused at

what’s going on here so–

(all laugh)

SAM: What’s your name?

MATT: Treev. What’s your name?

SAM: Taryon Darrington. You may have heard of me.

Friends call me Tary.

MATT: No.

SAM: Well, you will once my book comes out.

TALIESIN: I don’t think that– no.

MATT: Who’s this fucker?

LAURA, TALIESIN, and MARISHA: We don’t know.

TRAVIS: Tary Jumbo.

TALIESIN: He just sort of found us outside.

And he had, honestly–

LAURA: Just ignore him, really. How about that?

TALIESIN: We’re not entirely sure what happened

here.

MATT: Ah, there’s some fancy garb you’re wearing.

SAM: Oh, yes. Quite fancy.

MATT: Good to know.

SAM: Deadly as well.

MATT: Anyway.

LAURA: Grog–

MATT: He leans forward. “So what? Are you here to

talk–”

TALIESIN: Grog?

MATT: “– or drink? You here to talk?”

LAURA: Shall we bust it out here or do you want

to talk in private?

MATT: He does a quick scan of the room. “It’s my

people and you. Might as well.”

LAURA: Should I dig into the bag of holding?

TRAVIS: What? I don’t even remember being here!

LAURA: Okay, I’m just gonna reach in the bag of

holding and pull out the hand.

MATT: Okay, and you do. You find the mechanical

digits of Ripley,

plus some of them partially bent

from the combat–

TRAVIS: Oh!

LAURA: Oh yeah!

TRAVIS: I still don’t have it, I’m trying to–

LAURA: It’s good.

TALIESIN: We have the human hand as well.

We have the mechanical hand and the human hand.

MARISHA: Yeah, we took both.

TALIESIN: We took both. We figured we’d have

options, if I recall.

LAURA: Oh, that’s right, I put the regular hand–

did we?

TALIESIN: We took both! We took the robot hand and

the–

To be fair, I was dead at the time so I don’t–

TRAVIS: Tary, we work on very strict rules.

If you fuck us, we take your hands.

SAM: You have more than one hand with you right

now?

LIAM: We have a lot of stuff in that bag.

LAURA: You wouldn’t even.

TALIESIN: Huge collection.

TRAVIS: We really don’t know what’s in there.

LAURA: You don’t want to see in there.

MARISHA: Lots of body parts.

TALIESIN: It’s pretty gruesome.

SAM: Okay…

TRAVIS: Yeah.

TALIESIN: You have to ask, then–

SAM: Just tell me when to start swinging the

sword.

TRAVIS: Thought you had to– oh, yeah! And it

extends, but–

SAM: Sure.

MATT: Do you pass over the hand?

LAURA: Sure!

MATT: While this is happening you kind of slam it

down on the table. The giant, bronze dragonborn

claw reaches out and grabs it, and rakes it

forward, picks it up, and the fingers fall limp in

the grasp. And he turns it around in his vision.

(sniffs) “It’s a strange contraption. Certainly

looks like a hand.”

LAURA: She was a strange woman.

MATT: So you’re telling me, this is the one that

took out the Mistress Asharru?

TALIESIN: I put the Retort Pistol on the table.

She used one of these devices.

MATT: “Right, right. Very well.”

He takes the hand and begins scraping the pistol

back with him as well.

TALIESIN: The pistol was just for show. It wasn’t

a gift.

MATT: “All right. Well, at least the Mistress can

lay at rest. I thank you for your deed.”

And he spins his finger in the air and one of the

men at the table gets up and walks

out of the room and exits through the

front door behind you.

TALIESIN: I won’t pretend that we didn’t have our

own reasons for it. But we are grateful that you

recognize that we respect your authority.

MATT: Takes some balls to come back here and not

have anything to show for it. So, glad you got

balls, all of you. Except for that one.

LAURA: Giant balls. Yeah, his I’m not sure of–

TALIESIN: We haven’t checked his, to be fair.

SAM: They’re quite– quite lovely.

(all laugh)

MATT: Well, I have called off my associates.

The hunt is null and void.

You’re free to wander without worry.

LAURA: Thank you, Treev.

TALIESIN: We’ll probably only be another day or

two in town before we head home. Thank you.

Thank you for your time.

LAURA: We’re out.

TRAVIS: Did we not get anything for that?

LAURA: We got our lives.

TALIESIN: We got someone to remove a debt upon our

heads.

MARISHA: Yes.

TRAVIS: Oh.

MARISHA: Yes.

TRAVIS: Could we see the debt or was it magic?

TALIESIN: It was metaphorical.

LAURA: Magic. Pure magic.

TALIESIN: Magic. Sure.

TRAVIS: Whoa. Glad we did that.

(all laugh)

MATT: Stay for a drink?

TRAVIS: Yes! Yes! Yes!

TALIESIN: Yes.

LIAM: Yeah. Let the big guy play.

MARISHA and LAURA: Sure.

LAURA: But I wanna keep an eye out on the bar

because I still don’t trust our environment.

MATT: Certainly. It’s been kinda low-key here for

the day.

TRAVIS: Tary, do you drink anything?

SAM: Wine, mostly, yes.

TRAVIS: Does Dottie drink anything?

SAM: Doty.

TRAVIS: Right.

SAM: He does not drink.

TRAVIS: Then that’s two for you. I’ll have two of

your

strongest whatevers for blond-chin over there.

MATT: All right. Anyone else?

TALIESIN: Yes, please.

MATT: "Round it is.“ And he goes and he gathers

up a number of small mugs, tankards, it’s

ramshackle in here. This essentially acts as a

base of operations first and a tavern a distant

second, so it’s barely functional really as a

comparable establishment for fine drinks and

atmosphere, but it works.

TALIESIN: Heineken’s coming, basically.

MATT: Yeah, yeah. The drinks are passed around,

some small talk’s made with Treev, discussing

just how things have been pretty low-key since

Asharru was killed and you guys last left,

there hasn’t been an upset. There was apparently

a vision of some sort of a creature at the top of

the Cerulean Palace a few days ago.

LAURA: Really?

MATT: But people were wondering if that was a

sighting of Devo'ssa, and some of the rather

intense historians and younger believers in the

myth of Devo'ssa have been up in a tizzy,

and Treev just kinda shrugs it off and takes a

drink and goes,

“Just what we need is another

bigger fucking dragon.”

TALIESIN: Not for a long time, one would hope.

MATT: Aye.

TALIESIN: So. Tary?

SAM: Yes?

TALIESIN: I have to admit, I’m curious, where did

you get your friend there?

SAM: Why, I made him!

TALIESIN: Did you?

SAM: Yes, I did?

TALIESIN: Really? What’s his power? How’s he

powered? What runs him? I’m just sort of curious.

SAM: I– no offense, but I doubt you would

understand the

inner workings of something as

complicated as this.

TALIESIN: That’s a very interesting thought you

have there. But, still, I would be just delighted

to hear your attempt to simplify it for me.

SAM: All right, I will. Are you familiar with

levers? Things that move up and down?

TALIESIN: Yes.

SAM: Yes? Some of those. There’s also a machine

called a pulley where you can apply force and it

will amplify it with a wheel and a string.

TALIESIN: I think I’ve read about such things

before, yes.

SAM: Some of those are in there. Also, an

incline. It’s another simple machine.

TALIESIN: You didn’t build it, did you?

SAM: I did build it.

TALIESIN: Did you? Did you build it?

SAM: I did build it.

TALIESIN: So, one would assume there’s an access

panel somewhere on him where one can make

adjustments, or otherwise fix him if he breaks

down?

SAM: Pretty fancy technological speak.

TALIESIN: Thank you. Where would the access panel

be?

SAM: Why do you care to know?

TALIESIN: Well, just in case you’re knocked

unconscious by, let’s say, someone sneaking up

behind you and hitting you with a weapon?

SAM: Won’t happen. Doty has my back. Right, Doty?

MATT: At which point Doty crams in right behind

and is dwarfing Tary in size with the broad

metallic shoulders and is (heavy footfalls)

TALIESIN: Doty? Did he build you?

MATT: No response.

SAM: I’m a bit of a tinkerer. I can show you a few

things if we have a quiet moment, not in public.

TALIESIN: Can you?

TRAVIS: Holy fuck.

TALIESIN: That would be… excellent.

SAM: I look forward to the lesson.

TALIESIN: I look forward to giving the lesson,

yes.

LIAM: I’m curious if we could uh, it was

Ermergerd, right?

SAM: My name?

LIAM: Ermergerd Swearengen, yeah.

(all laugh)

SAM: Nope. You misheard me, Little Elf Boy,

it’s Taryon Darrington.

LIAM: Fucking don’t like this guy. I’m curious,

where do you hail from? Are you from here?

SAM: Nope, not from here. Matt, we discussed this,

where am I from?

(all laugh)

SAM: You gave me three options.

MATT: I did.

SAM: And I was like, “hmm, I don’t know what any

of those–”

TRAVIS: Hey Tary! Open up!

LIAM: Ooh.

TRAVIS: Missile snaring!

LAURA: Missile snaring!

TALIESIN: Gloves of Missile Snaring are currently

equipped, motherfucker!

MATT: Oh, shit!

(all laugh)

MARISHA: That’s great.

MATT: That’s beautiful. Okay. Let me go look up

the information that I emailed you.

SAM: I can also look it up.

LIAM: Who is that guy and what is email?

LAURA: Yeah?

TALIESIN: Doty’s got email.

MATT: You are from the city of Diastock,

in the Truscan Empire of Wildmount.

SAM: What he just said.

LAURA: Wildmount! You’re from Wildmount.

TALIESIN: Wildmount, fine.

MARISHA: He’s from Dias-where?

MATT: Diastock.

MARISHA: Diastock.

MATT: In the Truscan Empire

MARISHA: Dia–

LIAM: Stark.

MARISHA: –stock.

LAURA: Wildmount, hm?

MARISHA: Truscan?

LAURA: Yeah.

SAM: Have you been?

LAURA: I haven’t been no.

LIAM: No we’ve not been.

SAM: It’s quite lovely.

LIAM: Yeah?

SAM: My family has quite a reputation there and I

live on

a vast compound with beautiful orchards and–

MARISHA: Wait! You’re not related to the

Briarwoods, are you?

SAM: I’m sorry, no, I don’t know them.

TALIESIN: He doesn’t look like a Briarwood.

LAURA: No.

MARISHA: Have you ever heard the name Briarwood

before?

SAM: I have not, I’m sorry. Is Antlers okay over

here?

LAURA: She’s quite all right.

SAM: All right. She seems a bit drunk already or

something.

LAURA: She always does.

SAM: All right.

MARISHA: That’s true. Especially these days.

LIAM: Bring back the history lesson, though.

So pampered,

young, everything you could ever want–

SAM: I wouldn’t say pampered. All right?

LIAM: Those were my words. Go on.

TRAVIS: Huggies.

SAM: I had a normal upbringing. Private tutors,

classes–

LAURA: Right, as you do.

LIAM: Same. Same.

LAURA: Right.

SAM: I wandered through the halls of our extensive

library many nights.

Read many books about adventure–

TRAVIS: Yes, keep going.

SAM: – exploration, magic, alchemy–

LIAM: Is that code for masturbating?

SAM: I mean… you know.

TALIESIN: Yes, yes it is.

MARISHA: Kind of sounds like your upbringing,

Percy.

TALIESIN: Yes, it was code for masturbating.

(all laugh)

SAM: My family runs a very prosperous business,

and yes,

I have received some benefits from that.

LAURA: Mm-hm.

SAM: But I am a self-starter in my own mind and–

LAURA: Oh God!

TALIESIN: (yells)

MARISHA: God!

SAM: I’ve gone out on my own to seek my fortune–

TRAVIS: Oh God. The universe is collapsing.

TALIESIN: We’ve lost Liam.

SAM: – and record my exploits.

LAURA: Did you purchase that armor all on your own

as well, or did Mommy and Daddy buy it for you?

SAM: I purchased it myself. With my money, that–

LIAM: Bequeathed to you.

SAM: – that I can withdraw once a month.

(all laugh)

TALIESIN: It is quite lovely.

SAM: But it is mine.

LAURA: That’s good.

SAM: It belongs to me. It’s my birthright.

TRAVIS: Tary Jumbo, do you have a most dangerous

conquest in that book? That Dotty has.

SAM: Doty. I have a list of adventures that I am

currently going through.

LAURA: (quietly) He’s such an ass.

SAM: Some of the adventures include: Rescue a

maiden–

TRAVIS: Just any maiden?

MARISHA: Oh jeez.

SAM: Transport a treasure. Escort a muckety-muck.

A revenge plot. A classic dungeon crawl.

Oh, this one I’m looking forward to! Solving a

mysterious riddle.

LAURA: Ooh!

SAM: The old fashioned double-cross. Teleport,

haven’t done that yet.

LAURA: Really?

SAM: Shopping mission, but really I can wait on

that one.

(all laugh)

SAM: Slay a dragon. And there’s more, but the list

is extensive and I’d like to conquer various

beasts, rescue different people, find different

treasures. It’s going to be quite an adventure.

TRAVIS: Shopping is not what it’s cracked up to

be.

You should just wipe it off the list right now.

SAM: Shopping?

TRAVIS: While we’re watching.

SAM: It’s low on the list. It’s a low one.

TRAVIS: You can just erase it. You’ll be fine.

SAM: All right, I will.

LAURA: It’s funny, that whole list… it seems

like we’ve done all of it.

MARISHA: I know.

TALIESIN: Yeah.

LAURA: Yeah.

SAM: Have you?

TRAVIS: Several times.

TALIESIN: Oh yes. How many dragons now?

LIAM: Lost count.

TRAVIS: Hard to count.

LAURA: Five? Six? Something like that.

SAM: You haven’t really, have you?

LIAM: Yeah, we have.

SAM: An actual dragon?

TALIESIN: Several of them.

LIAM: Multiple dragons.

LAURA: Ancient dragons

TRAVIS: Dragons.

SAM: What was it like?

LAURA: Deadly.

MARISHA: Tary, do you feel like we look healthy

and sane to you?

SAM: I mean–

TALIESIN: Don’t hold back.

MARISHA: It’s fine, you can be honest.

SAM: Healthy AND sane?

MARISHA: Yes.

SAM: You seem healthy. You certainly are decked

out in adventuring gear, which is quite

attractive. Sanity I can’t be a good judge of yet,

I just met you. You seem like lovely creatures.

LIAM: How old are you, exactly?

SAM: I’m a young 28.

LIAM: You and I are the same age.

SAM: Is that true?

LAURA: It’s weird, you look older, but you act

younger.

SAM: Oh, that is strange. Youthful exuberance,

I suppose.

LAURA: I suppose.

SAM: (hearty laugh)

MARISHA: So, what do you hope to accomplish at the

end of completing all these tasks, you know,

slaying a dragon? What do you want in the other

end?

SAM: The other end will be my masterpiece,

my book. Doty has been very, very good about

taking down all of my adventures and exploits,

and at the end of it all… I know we just met,

but may I share with you some of my working

titles?

TRAVIS: Please.

SAM: All right.

TALIESIN: Oh, please.

LAURA: I would love to hear.

TRAVIS: Hold on. Wait, one more!

TALIESIN: Another round, I’ve got it, I’ve got

it.

MATT: Treev’s already on it. Treev is like, “Oh,

don’t worry. I’m loving this.” Then he’s just

pouring all of you glasses and shoving them

forward to you guys and crossing his arms.

TRAVIS: Maybe some meats too, if you have any.

Or cheeses.

MATT: We ain’t got meat.

TRAVIS: Oh.

LAURA: I want to keep an eye– I’m keeping an eye

out for any kind of questionable behavior.

MATT: All right, perception check. Go ahead.

LAURA: (quietly) God damn it.

TALIESIN: That’s a huge die you just rolled.

LAURA: I know, right?

TRAVIS: It’s a newbie, it’s a newbie.

LAURA: 17.

MATT: Okay, good to know. Continue.

TRAVIS: Which is why it screwed you.

SAM: Maybe you fellows could help me pick a title.

Here’s what I have so far.

LAURA: I thought we already did, the Daring

Adventures of–

TALIESIN: We talked about it briefly.

SAM: That was a good one, but I have some other

ones.

LAURA: All right.

SAM: Tarry On with Taryon Darrington.

The Terrific and Terrifying Tales of Daring

Taryon Darrington–

TALIESIN: That’s pretty good.

LIAM: That is all right.

SAM: Fifty Shades of Tary.

(all laugh)

SAM: Bravado! The T. Darrington Story.

LAURA: That one seems appropriate.

SAM: Zen and the Art of Robot Manservant Repair.

LIAM: No. No. Thumbs down.

SAM: Adventuring for Dummies.

TALIESIN: I feel like that’s been done.

SAM: The Things They Tarried.

LAURA: Oh.

SAM: The Blond Hair of Courage.

(all laugh)

SAM: The Adventures of Huckle-Tary Finn.

(all laugh)

SAM: The Odyssey.

MARISHA: Oh.

LAURA: Classic.

TRAVIS: What? No!

TALIESIN: Seen it.

SAM: Tary’s Daring Do’s and Daring Do-Nots.

Dungeons and Darringtons.

LAURA: Oh, wow.

TRAVIS: Oh my god.

SAM: And this one just popped into my head:

Critical Patrol.

(all laugh)

LIAM: I grab my sister by the arm, and I drag her

off the the side. What– Why are we doing this

exactly? Why are we bringing him with us,

exactly?

MARISHA: Keyleth just gets a nosebleed, and she’s

not sure why.

LAURA: His money.

LIAM: You think he can pay 50k an hour for

realsies?

LAURA: Hey, Tary.

SAM: Hm? Oi.

LAURA: How much money do you have in your account

right now?

SAM: In my account?

LAURA: In your account.

SAM: I would not care to say. We’re in a public

place.

LAURA: You can whisper it in my ear.

SAM: (whispers) I would not care to say.

LAURA: Here’s what I need to know. Are you full of

shit and you don’t actually have any money,

or do you have enough to pay our fee?

SAM: Does this helmet look like it’s something

that didn’t cost a shit ton of money?

LAURA: It looks like it did, but for all I know

you spent all your money on it.

SAM: All right, well, if you don’t want the money,

we can

break the contract right now, and I’ll go

my way.

LAURA: How about you just show me some money,

and that way we can be sure.

SAM: All right, I will. Come with me over to the

corner.

LAURA: All right.

TRAVIS: That’s where the good stuff happens.

TALIESIN: That was a nice little Jerry Maguire

there,

especially considering the date. Very appropriate.

TRAVIS: Tavern corner.

SAM: Are we away from–?

MATT: You guys have stepped away from the rest of

the crowd, as you guys watch–

TALIESIN: I am watching this–

MARISHA: Oh yeah.

MATT: Tary kind of puts his arm on her shoulder–

LAURA: Don’t touch me.

MATT: Leads her over to the corner.

LAURA: Don’t touch me.

SAM: I’ll reach into my Bag of Holding

TRAVIS: (gasps)

SAM: And pull up just a handful of coin.

MATT: A nice fistful of pristine platinum pieces

in his grip.

LAURA: Just a whole bag of that? I want to look at

one.

TRAVIS: Yeah, insight check that money.

SAM: Ding!

LAURA: Don’t. Flick. Money at me. Dear. If you

want to keep your hands.

SAM: I’m sorry, Little–

LAURA: Is this–?

MATT: You hear the scratching sound of quill on

parchment as Doty has arrived behind you and is

now currently cataloguing the entire

conversation.

(all laugh)

LAURA: Does it look real?

MATT: Go ahead and make an investigation check.

TRAVIS: Fucking roll high.

LAURA: I’m gonna use my gold dice for this.

It makes sense.

LIAM: Oh, that was not good.

LAURA: Ah, fuckin’ A.

TALIESIN: Yellow and black!

TRAVIS: That’s not the cup of a carpenter.

LAURA: That’s only 15.

MATT: Okay. You’ve seen quite a few gold,

platinum pieces in your time.

This seems fairly legit.

LAURA: All right.

MATT: It seems like it’s been minted recently,

relative in the past maybe ten or so years.

It has not seen a lot of antiquing across its

surface, and most of the coin is branded in a way

that emanates from the Truscan Empire. It does

appear to have Wildmount origin.

LAURA: Lovely. I believe you. Congratulations on

being born into privilege.

SAM: Yes, well, I didn’t choose to be, and I am

trying to lead my life honest and true, humble and

brave, every day of my life. And I thank you for

allowing me to travel with you, and perhaps go on

a mission? I mean, is this mission going to start

at some point?

LAURA: It was just completed, didn’t you notice?

SAM: I’m sorry?

LAURA: It happened right under your eyes.

Mysterious, isn’t it? And I walk away.

MARISHA: It’s true, she’s actually very correct.

TRAVIS: Hey, Percy.

TALIESIN: Yes.

TRAVIS: We’re not near them, right?

TALIESIN: No.

TRAVIS: Hey, hey. Remember when we were at

Greyskull Keep,

and we made all the guards, like,

audition to be guards?

TALIESIN: Yes, that was quite a while ago.

TRAVIS: What if we have an audition for Tary

Jumbo?

TALIESIN: It’s not the most ridiculous thing I’ve

ever heard.

TRAVIS: I love it when I do that, right?

TALIESIN: I know, it’s quite good. Let’s finish up

our business here.

TRAVIS: We have business here?

TALIESIN: Well, I think we should–

MARISHA: Does anyone not understand, we had a

mission here that we just completed?

LAURA: We just did it! We completed it!

MARISHA: We just did it!

TALIESIN: We were also going to go to the Cerulean

Tower and have a quick conversation.

LAURA: Yeah, no. We need to do that.

TALIESIN: We need to do that. But we did just

finish a mission.

MARISHA: Wait, J'mon?

TALIESIN: Yes, we have to talk to–

MARISHA: I am not taking him to J'mon.

LIAM: That’s probably wise.

TRAVIS: You know, I can stand outside with him.

MARISHA: We’re like specially, you know, trained.

And proven ourselves warriors.

We got permission to see–

TRAVIS: How about I audition him outside,

while you go have your convo? Like, we make him

beat somebody up or something.

LIAM: Yeah.

LAURA: Audition who? What are you talking about?

TRAVIS: I’m saying we should, like,

initiate Ole Tary J.

TALIESIN: Like we did back at Greyskull.

LAURA: Oh!

TRAVIS: If that’s what the letter that second word

starts with.

LAURA: (laughs) Yeah, right.

MARISHA: You did good, Grog.

LAURA: Impressive.

TRAVIS: Yup.

MARISHA: Good job.

LAURA: I thought you only learned Gs.

TRAVIS: What?

MARISHA: Tary G.

TALIESIN: Our business concluded, we actually have

some business at the Cerulean Tower, so we should

all, perhaps, head there at this point.

SAM: I… not to be a pest, but–

TALIESIN: Too late, but yes?

SAM: I paid for adventure.

TALIESIN: Oh, we’re heading– there will be

adventure.

SAM: Okay.

LAURA: You didn’t actually pay for anything.

You haven’t paid.

SAM: I understand.

LIAM: And we also didn’t offer access to every

contact and

person that we know on this globe, all right?

SAM: Understood.

LIAM: You’re a tag-along.

SAM: And happy to be one.

TRAVIS: Plus, these are several, subtle steps.

We don’t just chuck you in the furnace right

away. We’ve got to temper you a bit.

SAM: Yeah. That makes total sense.

TRAVIS: Cool.

MARISHA: Besides, things just seem to happen

around us.

TALIESIN: Inevitably.

MARISHA: So if you just hang out long enough,

I’m sure someone’s gonna want to beat our ass

over something.

LAURA: Like, most boring day ever now that Tary’s

here, we don’t do anything fun at all.

TRAVIS: Set up a craft fair.

TALIESIN: Critical Craft Fair.

LAURA: We all sit down and start knitting.

TRAVIS: I will kill myself.

MARISHA: Go to the post office. Check our P.O.

box.

LAURA: (laughs) Do some grocery shopping.

TALIESIN: Laundry.

LIAM: VM Accounting.

TALIESIN: Magazines.

MATT: If only.

TALIESIN: So, yes. We would love to head in that

direction.

TRAVIS: Yeah! Cinnamon Tower!

(all laugh)

TALIESIN: That sounds weird.

MARISHA: I want to live in that world!

TALIESIN: I would also like to, quietly on the

headphone, I would really like to know where this

machine comes from, because I’m finding it just a

bit creepy, and I would love to get that

information out of him before he disappears.

TRAVIS: How tall is it again?

MATT: It’s roughly eight and a half feet tall.

TRAVIS: So just a bit taller than me?

MATT: A bit taller, yeah, I’d say a little larger

than that.

TRAVIS: A head and a half?

MATT: It’s kind of hunched forward as it walks,

it probably could stand taller if it wanted to.

TRAVIS: Was he kind of like, Fassbender size-ish,

or?

MATT: Not as broad.

LAURA: Fassbender was bigger, right?

TRAVIS: Okay.

MATT: It’s tall, but it’s kind of lanky in its

construction, and it seems to be thicker at the

feet and the arms and fists, but the actual

structure itself is proportionally pretty thin.

TRAVIS: Got it. It’s Groot.

LIAM: Hey, Percy…

TALIESIN: Yes?

LIAM: I faintly remember you talking about,

you were talking to someone, I don’t know who it

was, but you were talking about plans you had for

sort of a walking,

automated something. Am I

imagining that?

TALIESIN: I dabbled… No, I talked about it.

It always just seemed so impractical. And now I’m

looking at one, and I’m irritated.

LIAM: Yeah, I can see that.

MARISHA: Irritated? Or was inferior the word you

were looking for?

TALIESIN: Vexed.

MARISHA: Vexed, that’s a good word.

LAURA: It is a good word.

TRAVIS: That’s her name.

LIAM: To be honest, you seem like you got your

goolies burned there

just from a conversation, a little bit.

MARISHA: I know.

TALIESIN: He didn’t build this thing, and I’m

worried about who did.

He didn’t build this thing.

MARISHA: Percy,

TALIESIN: What?

MARISHA: Percy.

LIAM: Well, you’re the expert.

TALIESIN: No. Yes. What?

MARISHA: Look, you can turn this to your

advantage.

Brain drain him for all the knowledge you can!

TALIESIN: I think we’ve already done that.

MARISHA: All right.

TALIESIN: I think that was an oyster we’ve already

supped upon.

MARISHA: I trust your judgement.

TALIESIN: Ah yes, that got weird.

I’m gonna flip on the cloak by the way, now that

we are well out of that area.

MATT: Okay.

LAURA: Is anyone following us from the Scarbearers?

MATT: The eye that you have been keeping out,

you don’t notice

anyone giving chase or following you.

LIAM: Walking with Kelyeth.

You know I don’t know anything about that shit,

but in my experience talent and skill have

nothing to do with whether you’re a douchenozzle

or not. He seems like a schmuck.

MARISHA: Oh, he’s definitely a douchenozzle.

LIAM: Yeah.

MARISHA: (gasps) I think that’s the first time I

said douchenozzle.

TALIESIN: I think it actually is.

LIAM: He called you 'antlers’.

MARISHA: Yeah he called you 'little elf-girl and

little elf-boy’. I don’t like him.

LIAM: Mm.

MARISHA: What’s wrong with my antlers?

LIAM: Nothing at all

MARISHA: I know my hair’s shorter so it makes my

antlers look bigger, which I was concerned about.

LIAM: No, they’re very attractive I’m sure you

heard—

MARISHA: Is it okay?

LIAM: Okay? It’s your best feature.

MARISHA: Thanks?

LAURA: I like your face more than your antlers,

but both are nice, dear.

LIAM: No, definitely the antlers.

MARISHA: All right, you know what? Let’s move off

this conversation.

LAURA: I just wanted to ask Tary.

SAM: Oh, yes?

LAURA: So your… Doty? Yes?

MARISHA: Dottie.

LAURA: Dottie, sorry.

SAM: Doty.

LIAM: Duty.

LAURA: Duty. Got it. Does he fight or does he just

write?

SAM: He does what I tell him to do.

LAURA: Is he competent in a battle?

SAM: I would say so.

LAURA: Has he ever been in battle?

SAM: Doty has been in a battle.

LAURA: Does he look like he has any battle scars?

MATT: Glancing over and getting a quick look–

make a perception check actually.

LAURA: All right, just doing some–

TRAVIS: Roll your new dice to redeem it for that

shit–

LAURA: (yells)

TRAVIS: Should have done it.

LAURA: No no no, at least it’s not a one. 20.

MATT: Okay, glancing over and giving a once over

of the giant mechanical creature

(footsteps) walking a few feet behind you,

you can see there are a lot of signs of repair.

You can see there are a lot of places where bits

of metal have been re-hammered. Elements have been

patched over, and additional layers of armor have

been added to it. You do see what appear to be

some scrapes and areas where it has sustained

various weapon attacks. That whole circumstance.

It looks like it’s seen some scuffles in it’s

time.

LAURA: Duty looks… worn.

SAM: Doty.

LAURA: Doty, my apologies. He looks worn.

Old, far older than your armor.

SAM: That may be because in battle I am deft,

fearless.

TRAVIS: You’re deaf?

SAM: No deft, with a T. I can dodge blows

uncannily. I can anticipate what my opponent is

going to do ahead of time and dodge out of the

way.

LAURA: I can see that about you.

SAM: Yes.

LAURA: You seem very dexterous too.

SAM: I think I am.

LAURA: Yes. Did Doty raise you? Is he like your

nanny?

SAM: No, he’s a mechanical construct that I made,

he did not–

LAURA: That you made when you were two? Because he

looks like he raised you.

SAM: Doty did not raise me. He is a mechanical

construct that I built when I learned how.

LIAM: Does he cook?

SAM: He does not cook.

LIAM: Does he clean?

SAM: He could clean. I—

LIAM: Keep you warm at night?

SAM: No, he’s cold as ice.

LAURA: How old were you when you built him?

SAM: Well I’m 28 now.

LAURA: Yes?

SAM: So that would have been 27.

LAURA: He’s a year old?

SAM: He’s a year old.

LAURA: And he only talks to you?

SAM: Nope. He doesn’t talk to me.

LAURA: Oh, he only listens to you.

SAM: He’s the best really. Fearless, strong, big,

and excellent penmanship. He’s everything

I could hope for in a friend. Silent.

MARISHA: Were pen pals a thing for you? Is that

why you like penmanship?

SAM: I mean, no. I don’t think I ever had a

penpal.

MARISHA: No? Did you have any friends? Ever?

LIAM: Or siblings?

SAM: I had tutors. I had the best teachers.

I had–

LAURA and MARISHA: Aww…

SAM: –wonderful. No, no! Don’t 'aww’. They were

wonderfully smart and engaging, but my best

friends were the books I read.

LIAM: What were Mom and Dad like?

SAM: They’re still alive. There’s no were.

They are wonderful people my father–

LIAM: I mean when you were a tyke.

SAM: (sighs) My father is a very talented

businessman. He can be hard at times. He has great

expectations for everyone he meets.

My mother is… a saint; she’s perfect in every

way. She’s a wonderful person and… yes.

MARISHA: Really? And they’re still alive? Weren’t

killed in some crazy raid, or… eaten by dragons

or…fell in a pit of lava?

SAM: No, they are eagerly awaiting me to arrive

back at home

and tell them tales of my journeys and adventures.

LIAM: What is your father’s business?

SAM: He is a businessman.

LIAM: A businessman? Is that a taboo subject with

you?

SAM: No! Not at all. It’s just, I’m not sure how

well versed you are in financial transactions.

LIAM: Oh, fuck-all. I thought you could

give me the layman’s terms.

SAM: He is in real estate. He buys and sells

properties, charges rent, taxes…

LIAM: A land baron.

TRAVIS: So bored right now.

SAM: He owns a lot of things, places and makes a

lot of money off of these places.

LIAM: Interesting… Interesting.

TRAVIS: Cinnamon Tower.

SAM: I will be forthcoming with anything that you

ask me.

I have nothing to hide. I come from money; this is clear.

LIAM: Can I insight check him on 'I have

nothing’?

MATT: Yeah, make an insight check.

LAURA: Aw.

LIAM: It’s terrible, that’s all right.

LAURA: No, it’s not! Don’t use luck!

LIAM: You shush!

LAURA: You can–

LIAM: I will use luck if I want to use luck!

MATT: Hard to read. For many reasons!

LIAM: I’ll say!

TALIESIN: I also want to take a good long look at

robot and see if I can– this automaton.

MATT: Okay. Investigation check.

TALIESIN: Come on. (sighs) Okay, 13.

MATT: What are you trying to ascertain about it?

TALIESIN: How old it is, how it was built,

where it was built. Just to get a sense of it,

like looking over a classic car.

MATT: Best that you can tell from its construction

and your understanding, there is a lot of

ingenuity in its design. But it is, it exists,

and moves through a combination of decent

engineering and enchantment.

TALIESIN: Oh thank God! Okay, I feel better.

MATT: You can see very, very faint engravings of

various runic glyphs that are similar

some of the ones that you saw on–

TALIESIN: Fassbender?

MATT: – Fassbender.

TALIESIN: All right. I feel better already,

thank you. Ego restored.

LIAM: (sings the Legend of Zelda 'item’ tune)

MATT: You guys make your way to the Sand Herald

District and there you can see the distant towers

of the Cerulean Place. The large central one that

leads up into the chamber of J'mon Sa Ord.

As you approach the outside, you see the familiar

faces and armor of the Hands of Ord there,

guarding the exterior of the palace walls.

As you approach, one of the guards steps up with

their same kind of brass and sapphire emblazoned

armor,

and one of them approaches and steps forward.

“I’m sorry. Do you have business at the palace?”

LAURA: Yes. Question: the symbol? Scanlan?

LIAM: Scanlan had it…

LAURA: That’s what I thought.

TRAVIS: Oh, fucking shit.

MARISHA: I thought we got it back, though.

LAURA: Did he give back to us or did he not?

MARISHA: Wait, no. Are we talking about the

flute?

LIAM: No, there was a symbol.

LAURA: Remember the symbol that had–

LIAM: J'mon’s symbol to show to all friends.

TALIESIN:I think he still has the symbol,

doesn’t he?

MARISHA: I have his flute because I picked it up

last.

LAURA: Yeah, that doesn’t have his symbol on it

though.

LIAM: That’s not the same thing.

TALIESIN: We do bring news though, so…

MARISHA: Fuck!

LIAM: We are friends to– the man on top.

J'mon, I misspoke.

LAURA: J'mon Sa Ord.

MARISHA: We need to speak with him.

LIAM: Vox Machina is here, he knows us.

MARISHA: And return this: I show the flute.

Maybe they’ll recognize it?

MATT: The guard takes the flute and–

MARISHA: I take it and I dust the ash and drug use

off of it. And then–

MATT: The guard takes it and looks at it,

confused.

“Please to be patient, for just a moment.”

LAURA: Of course, be pleased!

MATT: “Be pleased.”

Turns around and walks back up the stairs,

the front of the palace, and enters through

one of the side doorways. About two, three

minutes pass.

The guards just keep a view out, and then

eventually you see an older woman in familiar

ceremonial robes exit from the doorway that the

guard went into. This is the Grand Maven,

Gameshega, who you met and escorted you up into

the palace originally. She walks up with her

bracelets still jingling as she steps down the

stairs, her long robes trailing behind her a good

like two-three feet. Her headdress still has

little brass quills that streak down, past her

shoulders into her mid-back, and as she steps up:

“It is good to see all of you once more.

"I do not believe we have met, I’m sorry,

what is your name?”

SAM: Taryon Darrington. Nice to meet you.

Be pleased.

MATT: Taryon Darrington, friend of Vox Machina,

it is a pleasure to make your acquaintance.

So J'mon would like to extend their greetings to

all of you,

and respect in the wake of the news of the

destruction of the Conclave.

You’ve aided in closing a far too lingering

chapter in the history of Marquet and the ruin of

the Cinder King. Thank you.

SAM: You’re welcome.

TALIESIN: We wanted to make sure that they were

aware that all of the dragons had been dealt with,

and that the Conclave had been completely

vanquished.

MATT: This information did make it to the ears of

J'mon.

TALIESIN: Excellent. And we thank you

for your time.

MATT: Of course. Anything else?

LAURA: Um.

MARISHA: I guess not?

LAURA: Well, could I take you aside for a

moment?

MATT: “Of course, my dear.”

And she walks alongside you as you pull her off a

little bit.

LAURA: We have in our service, in Emon, a

wonderful man, who has been of great aid in

battling the Conclave as well, and we learned

recently that he was expelled from Marquet due

to crimes in his youth and was wondering if we

could maybe speak in his name and his regard,

to you, to clear his name?

MATT: I can see what I can do. What is the name

of this gentleman?

LAURA: Jarett. His last name?

LIAM: Serpersveshzhg?

SAM: Anderson?

MARISHA: Howarth.

LAURA: Jarett…

MARISHA: Howarth. Howarth.

MATT: There you go.

LAURA: Jarett Howorth?

MARISHA: Howarth.

LAURA: Jarett Howarth.

SAM: You have his name?

LAURA: Of course she does, because she takes

killer notes.

SAM: Holy Bajoly!

TALIESIN: She writes everything down.

SAM: I didn’t know that he had a name!

MATT: Jarrett Howarth.

LAURA: Yes.

MATT: Okay. I will go and take this into the

archives, discover and see what can be done.

LAURA: Thank you so much. If you find out

anything, will you please send word?

MATT: Yes, should we be sending it to Emon as

well?

LAURA: If you could, send it to Whitestone?

MATT: To Whitestone?

LAURA: That would be wonderful.

MATT: Okay. Very well.

We have not sent anything to Whitestone before.

We will find a way to do so.

LAURA: It’s an up and coming city. Very prominent

on Tal'dorei.

TALIESIN: It’s on the move.

LAURA: It’s on the move.

LIAM: Would you send J'mon, would you send

them our thanks?

MATT: I will do this. I apologize, J'mon is not

currently taking audiences.

LAURA: Totally fine.

MATT: But I will continue to pass this word onto

them.

LAURA: Thank you so much.

MATT: Thank you very much. And good day! Be

pleased.

LAURA: Be pleased.

TRAVIS: Beep-beep!

MATT: As the Grand Maven turns around and heads

back up the stairs, the guards take their place

and the palace is at rest.

LAURA: Welp.

TRAVIS: He must be sick.

LAURA: Probably.

TRAVIS: Yeah.

TALIESIN: The flu, perhaps.

MARISHA: It’s been going around.

LAURA: Lots of travel happening. Happens when you

travel, I hear.

MARISHA: It’s true, yeah. Anytime you fly.

TALIESIN: So I think that concludes this little

jaunt, it might be back home now.

LAURA: Oh jeez.

TRAVIS: Well, I think it’s about time that we see

what Tary Jumbo’s worth.

SAM: I’m sorry?

TRAVIS: One of your things on your list, right,

it was to get in a kerfuffle?

SAM: There’s no kerfuffle on the list–

TRAVIS: Riff-ram, bah-zhu.

SAM: –but we are going to have an adventure,

is that right?

LAURA: So many.

SAM: At some point?

TALIESIN: Oh yes.

LAURA: All of them.

LIAM: Buddy boy, you’re buying in for shit you’re

not really ready for, yes.

SAM: All right.

TRAVIS: We gotta know how–

SAM: So far, we’ve delivered a dead body part to

someone,

and had a brief conversation with a guard.

TALIESIN: It’s only been two hours.

SAM: Is this what you all are about?

LIAM: We’re gonna take a little time for a day.

And then we’re gonna take you to hell.

SAM: All right.

LIAM: How does that sound?

SAM: Are you speaking metaphorically?

TRAVIS: No, no, literally hell.

TALIESIN: No, we’re going to hell.

TRAVIS: There’s like seven or eleven of them.

SAM: All right.

LIAM: Wow.

TRAVIS: Are those together? Close?

LAURA: Very big numbers, Grog.

LIAM: Sure.

TALIESIN: We’re taking this one to hell then?

MARISHA: Might be a good trial run.

LIAM: I don’t know. Do you want to put him through

his paces?

TRAVIS: Yeah, I think so.

LIAM: Yeah.

MARISHA: I want to save traveling the Ozmit Sea

and heading

to the water Ashari for when Pike is back.

LAURA: Yeah.

LIAM: Yeah.

MARISHA: So, yeah.

LIAM: Yeah. Let’s take this fucker to hell.

SAM: I don’t know what you’re talking about.

MARISHA: No, we’re speaking insanely literally

right now. That’s what’s impressive about it.

SAM: I…

LIAM: We are going to Hell.

SAM: All right.

LIAM: And you are coming along.

MARISHA: And we’re taking you with us.

LAURA: Shouldn’t we see him fight first?

LIAM: Yeah, well, let’s bring him home.

LAURA: I’d hate for him to die immediately.

LIAM: Yeah, we want Grog to run him out like a

labrador.

TRAVIS: Do I see any large, intimidating looking

creatures

just walking around where we are at the moment?

LAURA: No, not in the city, Grog.

TRAVIS: I’m not talking to you.

MATT: Make a perception check.

LIAM: He only has to listen to you at home.

LAURA: I know.

TRAVIS: 12.

MATT: Uh, best that you can tell here in the Sand

Herald district, no. Most everyone who wanders

around here are of noble dress or part of the Hand

of Ord.

TRAVIS: You see that fruit merchant over there?

SAM: Yes.

TRAVIS: Killed many, many people.

SAM: Oh, well maybe I should pay him to take me on

an adventure because Jesus Christ. This is about

as fucking boring as I can get.

TRAVIS: I might just hit him. I might just attack

him.

LAURA: Hey! You know what you can cross off your

list?

Teleportation, because that’s what we’re

about to do.

SAM: No, really?

LAURA: Oh yeah.

MARISHA: It’s true.

SAM: It’s on my list; it’s literally on my list.

LAURA: I know.

MARISHA: Wait what? All right, let’s go.

SAM: All right, all right, all right! Finally

getting my money’s worth.

MARISHA: So we’re going back to Whitestone?

TALIESIN: Yes, Whitestone.

LIAM: Yes, get your big boy pants on, Ermergerd.

SAM: It’s Taryon!

MARISHA: Come on, Doodee.

SAM: Doty.

MATT: All right, as you find a familiar tree you

can utilize to transport over to Whitestone,

Tary you watch as the center of this tree’s trunk

suddenly seems to split open with divine energy.

SAM: Cool.

MATT: On the opposite side, you watch this tunnel

progress about four or five feet within where it

just looks like the striations of the interior of

the tree trunk before it emerges on the other side

into another town square currently in the middle

of an evening.

SAM: Doty, take this down. As the tree split in

front of me–

TALIESIN: I shove him through.

SAM: Ahhh!

MARISHA: You have six seconds!

MATT: As you all tumble through the Transport via

Plants spell, you all emerge on the opposite side

of the Sun Tree in the center of Whitestone’s

courtyard. What do you wish to do?

SAM: Oh my. Oh my gods. Where are we? What’s going

on? What happened?

Where am I? Is this a fantasy world?

What happened?

MARISHA: Are you feeling nauseous?

LIAM: Whack!

SAM: Ahh!

TALIESIN: How about now?

SAM: Wow! That was exhilarating! It’s like my body

fell apart and came back together again!

LAURA: That’s exactly what it was like.

SAM: It was amazing!

LIAM: I’ve never had that.

LAURA: Or it was like walking forward.

LIAM: Yeah. I’ve never had that sensation ever

before. Ever.

SAM: I felt a great force behind me, pushing me

forward! And then all of a sudden I opened my eyes

and was in a new place. Doty, take this down.

Today is the greatest day of Taryon Darrington’s

life. The day that he experienced the wonder of

the gods. That’s enough for now.

MARISHA: Oh my god, did you guys hear that? He

thinks I’m a god. Doucher!

TRAVIS: Douchenozzle.

MARISHA: Douchenozzle, that’s right! That’s what

it was. Sorry, I’m just learning it.

LAURA: What time is it here?

MATT: Technically now that I think about it,

it would still be day, because you guys left in

the morning to Ank'Harel, and you’ve been there

for a few hours,

so it’s early afternoon at this point.

LAURA: Okay. Oh, fabulous. All right.

TRAVIS: So we’re back on home turf, right?

LIAM: Yeah, we’re going to take this guy to a

field and kick his ass,

or what are we going to do?

TRAVIS: Yeah, I kind of want to.

LAURA: Oh, can I go find Jarett really fast?

MATT: Yeah, it’s easy enough to find. You head

down to where the makeshift garrison, which has

now seen reconstruction, actually being turned

into a decent functional garrison within the town

itself. A lot of the guards are out there running

through their drills for the afternoon, and you

can see Jarrett is in the process of running them

through what looks like

ranged combat training. As you approach,

Jarett looks over and watches you walking up from

a distance and kind of gives a wave,

“Hello!”

LAURA: Hi.

MATT: “So, everything seems to be in order here.

I have to say, I am very glad to know that we

"have no more dragons for quite some time.”

And you see he’s recovering; he’s healing,

but there is noticeable scarring on the side of

his neck. And it looks like he’s going through the

process of recovering from the Thordak battle,

but he’s doing much better than the last time you

saw him.

LAURA: How are you mentally?

MATT: To be perfectly honest, very happy to not

be anywhere near that terrible city. I never

thought I had the sense for the slower parts of

the countryside, but I don’t know; I’ve come to

like it here in Whitestone.

LAURA: It is quite nice. Well, you’re welcome to

stay.

MATT: Well, I was intending to.

LAURA: We are planning to rebuild our home in Emon

as well.

MATT: Yes, yes.

LAURA: So it’s up to you where you’d like to be.

MATT: Really, you employ me so it is more up to

you, but I kind of like the change in temperature.

LAURA: I do too.

MATT: Bit chillier up here, north.

LAURA: Well, in case you’re wondering, we just

came from Marquet.

MATT: Oh?

LAURA: Where we spoke with the Grand Maven?

MATT: Right?

LAURA: Of J'mon Sa Ord. Spoke very highly of you

and she’s working on getting your name cleared.

MATT: Really?

LAURA: Well, she said she would. I don’t know what

you did, dear,

but hopefully it wasn’t anything too terrible.

LIAM: Serial killer.

MATT: He doesn’t look nervous at all, he looks

elated and is like,

“Well, thank you. I hope that comes to a fruitful

end. I’ve been living here long enough where it’s

"not a huge deal to me, but it would be nice to

occasionally return–”

LAURA: See home?

MATT: Yeah. You know.

LAURA: That’s nice.

MATT: Thank you, I appreciate that.

LAURA: Of course. And you may not have heard,

but our resident bard has left us. Possibly for

the time being, possibly for more. So you won’t be

seeing his face around here.

MATT: I am sorry to hear that.

LAURA: I only tell you because I saw you speaking

with him several times

and thought you might want to know.

MATT: This is good to know. Well, I look forward

to his return.

That being the case, can I ask a favor of you?

LAURA: Of course.

MATT: “Could you hold this?”

And he reaches back and pulls out a small pouch

and puts it in your hand.

“I don’t feel comfortable holding on to this.”

LAURA: What is it?

MATT: It was requested by your small bard friend

and I probably should not have it on my person.

LAURA: Requested?

MATT: Yes.

LAURA: What is it? Components of a potion? I

don’t…

MATT: One that you should not probably drink.

LAURA: What is it, Jarrett?

MATT: It’s suude. It’s illegal. You should not–

It is dangerous.

LAURA: It’s drugs?

MATT: Yes! Yes it is! Let’s talk about it in

front of everyone I’m training! Yes, thank you!

LAURA: I put it in my pocket.

MATT: Don’t do drugs!

LAURA: Don’t do drugs!

Scanlan was doing drugs? Jarett, you sold Scanlan

drugs?

MATT: No, I procured them for him at his

request.

LAURA: Is this why you were expelled from

Marquet?

MATT: (unconvincingly) No.

(all laugh)

MATT: There are a number of reasons.

LAURA: How long have you been providing this to

him?

MATT: This was only the second. I did not want to

do this! He is a very convincing person and looked

like he was going through a hard time.

LAURA: Yes, he is.

MATT: And look, I understand that, and I warned

him. He knew full well the dangers involved; he’s

a much stronger man than I am. Who was I to tell

him this? And he’s very persuasive.

LAURA: He is. When was the first time you gave it

to him?

MATT: Not more than maybe a week or two ago?

LAURA: Thank you. Thank you for giving them to

me.

MATT: Yes, it was burning a hole in my pocket.

And I don’t want to hold onto it.

LAURA: I understand.

MATT: Sorry.

LAURA: I appreciate your service, Jarrett.

MATT: I appreciate your understanding.

LAURA: Get better. Keep training.

MATT: Yes, I should do that.

LAURA: All right.

MATT: He turns around,

“You lot heard nothing! Nock your crossbows,

nock–”

(whack) and slaps one guy on the back of the head.

“All right. Focus up, on the targets,”

and you hear him begin taking a few volleys off in

the distance

as you walk your way back to the castle.

The rest of you, as you walk through

Whitestone, Taryon, you watch this beautiful,

wonderfully slightly backwards city–

TALIESIN: Hey! Okay…

SAM: It’s amazing.

MATT: It’s charming.

SAM: Yes, quaint really.

MATT: Yeah! And there’s a castle. They have a

castle!

SAM: Tourists must love it here.

TALIESIN: We do quite well… in the on season.

MARISHA: Yeah, yeah. In years ago.

TRAVIS: Do you mind if you come to the outskirts

of the city with us?

SAM: I literally know nothing about this city.

TRAVIS: Great, yeah, come with us. Just Vax knows

the way, Vax will you… You know? The spot?

LIAM: The beautiful parts of the city, actually,

are the countryside,

the woods around. It’s drab in the middle.

SAM: I paid for adventure.

TRAVIS: Yeah, it’s out there.

LIAM: And adventure you shall have, my friend.

SAM: All right.

TRAVIS: So can we find our way to like a fairly

open and not populated part of Whitestone?

MATT: Yeah. Your best bet, at this point,

would be to make your way to the unclaimed

gardens in the back of the castle.

TALIESIN: I was going to say.

MARISHA: Castle courtyards.

MATT: For awhile there was no greenery back there.

The processing and disposing of the excess acids

lead to the green fume that was billowing behind

the castle when you first arrived here and

destroyed most of the plant life. Through your aid

and the people who kept the castle, those have

been filled in and it looks like the castle

grounds are starting to recover. There is now a

fresh growing season of green back there,

and that is closed off. It is protected.

There are guards around and it is away from the

general populace of Whitestone.

TRAVIS: Nice. This looks like a great place.

Now, if you want your first taste of adventure,

you need to bring Dottie and come over here.

SAM: Doty.

TRAVIS: I have to whisper it because it’s very

secret.

SAM: Four-eyes, shall I trust Jumbo here because

he seems a bit shady.

TALIESIN: Yes, no, you should trust him with your

life. He’s very trustworthy.

SAM: I will roll an insight check.

LIAM: Grog and I are just waiting.

SAM: What do I add to it?

MATT: Your insight skill.

SAM: Oh yeah, that. I have forgotten how to play

Dungeons and Dragons. 18.

MATT: Travis, I would like you to roll a

deception.

TALIESIN: Wait, is it Travis or is it me?

LAURA: Is it deception?

MATT: Oh wait, no, it’s from you, sorry.

Yeah, this is Percival, technically.

TALIESIN: Oh shit.

MATT: It’s kind of both of you.

TRAVIS: Bitch! I rolled a 17.

LIAM: So Percy at advantage then, right?

MARISHA: You can trust Grog for some things.

LAURA: You can!

SAM: Go on!

TRAVIS: Plus I do want to take him on an

adventure.

LAURA: I feel like Grog is getting far more

trustworthy.

MARISHA: I agree!

TALIESIN: 12.

MATT: You get the sense that maybe not all the

information is there.

TALIESIN: It’s not a lie.

MATT: It’s not a lie, but it’s definitely– it

speaks of a half truth.

SAM: What’s going on out here?

TRAVIS: Secret stuff. Are you ready?

SAM: For what?

TRAVIS: Where’s Dottie?

SAM: Doty. He’s right behind me, as he always is.

TRAVIS: Nice. So put out your hand like this.

SAM: What’s going to happen?

TRAVIS: And take your other hand, and you either

make a boulder, a piece of paper, or a pair of

shears. Right? And we do it on three.

TALIESIN: To be perfectly honest, I’m not entirely

sure what’s happening either.

MARISHA: You’ve never played Boulder, Paper,

Shears?!

(all laugh)

SAM: That’s the best thing you’ve ever said,

Marisha.

TALIESIN: That just went right up my nose.

It burns. That is not pleasant.

SAM: Of course I’ve played Boulder, Paper,

Shears.

TRAVIS: Great, great. It’s just to see who goes

first. Ready?

SAM: One, two, three–

TRAVIS: And on the third one, I cast enlarge with

the Titanstone Knuckles,

LIAM: And I sneak attack Ermergerd.

TRAVIS: And I smack Doty.

(all laugh)

SAM: Fuck, I’m dead.

LIAM: Pommel side, pommel side! I’m gonna Kynan

him.

MATT: Okay, and you’re going after Doty.

TRAVIS: Yup.

MATT: With just your hands?

TRAVIS: Yeah, just a backhand.

MATT: Okay, both you guys roll attack.

LAURA: Oh my gosh!

TALIESIN: Boulder, Paper, Shears– Boulder,

Parchment, Shears.

MARISHA: Boulder, Parchment, Shears.

TRAVIS: 24.

LIAM: Natural 20!

LAURA: Why do you want a natural 20?! You’re going

to kill him!

TALIESIN: No, no.

LIAM: Not with the pommel side, man!

MATT: Okay, go ahead and do your sneak attack

damage.

MARISHA: Non-lethal.

LIAM: Thank you.

MATT: And double it cause you rolled a natural 20.

You, go ahead and roll for the backhand, it’s one–

SAM: I will be dead.

TRAVIS: It’s four, right?

MATT: It’s just a backhand. I would say it’s one

damage plus your strength modifier.

TALIESIN: “Vax, where’d you get that amazing

armor?”

TRAVIS: Eight, so nine?

MATT: Okay, so nine damage.

TRAVIS: My strength modifier is eight.

MATT: Yeah, so it’d be nine.

SAM: Doty is going to use his reaction to attack

Vax.

MATT: Okay, yes.

SAM: Right? Because when attacked within five

feet of me, he gets to react?

MATT: Yep.

TALIESIN: What?!

SAM: To defend me? Or to attack?

MATT: To attack the person who attacked you.

TRAVIS: See, this is a real good way to figure

shit out.

TALIESIN: I’m already excited by this.

LAURA: This is true! This is smart.

TRAVIS: Thanks.

LAURA: You’re so smart!

MATT: After this round, actually, for the tension

basis of this and for the arrangement for the

circumstance, I’m going to take a break,

and then come back to this, so we can give this

the real feel you want to. So after this round.

All right, so after–

Okay, so you do seven damage,

you backhand Doty (impact sound)–

TRAVIS: Nine! Nine damage, yeah.

MATT: – and the head turns to the side.

The tome falls to the ground, open on the ground

so the pages fold a little bit, and the metallic

creature (shifting metal) back to

you, stands up, and now goes a full six inches

taller than you, and then rears back with its

fist, and right as it’s about to swing, it sees

from behind

Vax creep up and hit– how much damage?

LIAM: 86.

MATT: 86 points of damage.

SAM: 86 to me?

TALIESIN: What?!

LIAM: Yes.

SAM: Great. Great.

TRAVIS: Plus I’m enlarged, so I am probably taller

than Doty now.

MATT: Actually, that’s right, yeah, so even at

your enlarged height, you’re still probably a good

foot and a half, two feet larger than Doty.

TRAVIS: Let’s say I hit him, he looks back,

and he’s looking at my nipples.

LAURA: Oh, that’s cool.

MATT: Yeah, there you go. As you’re growing

(robotic motion noises)–

TRAVIS: What happened?

MATT: Goes to punch towards you, however out of

the corner of Doty’s eye, sees this half-elf show

up and whack him right square in the center of the

neck and spinal column and then the fist just goes

wide and slams toward you. That is going to be a

23 to hit.

LIAM: Hits.

MATT: You suffer… Ooh! 16 points of bludgeoning

damage.

LAURA: Ooh!

MATT: As the giant iron fist of Doty just (whack)

clangs into the back of your head and part of your

ear and you feel the ringing in your skull from

the impact.

LIAM: Mm-hm.

MATT: You, Taryon, fall to your knees–

SAM: (pained grunt)

MATT: – and find a large portion of your

vitality and breath and just general awareness

knocked out of you from from one singular blow

from nowhere. Your eyes go white for a second–

SAM: This is the sound that I make. (high pitched

goat-like yelps)

(all laugh)

TRAVIS: That’s a wuss panic.

SAM: Do I get a shot?

MATT: That was the surprise round, because you

were not aware of this circumstance. We’re going

to continue combat after this break.

(cheers and laughter)

MARISHA: I’m getting in on this!

LIAM: It was his idea!

MATT: Oh yeah. Just so you’re aware, everyone

who’s watching, you just watched your boyfriend

cold-cock an innocent person.

MARISHA: I watched him walk up behind him and do

it. I knew what he was doing.

MATT: All right, just so you’re aware. All right

guys–

MARISHA: This is a part of our Vox Machina hazing.

This is what we do!

MATT: This is pretty fucked up, you guys.

(all laugh)

TALIESIN: So fucked up!

MATT: All right, we’ll come back in a few minutes

after we take a quick break to continue this

combat. We’ll see you here shortly.

Break
[BREAK]

Part II
MATT: Hello everyone and welcome back to Critical

Role. So, last we left off, in the middle of the

Whitestone courtyard, two members of Vox Machina

decided, as part of the hazing process, to assault

our new temporary party member.

TALIESIN: (laughs) When you put it like that.

TRAVIS: How about test?

LIAM: This is literally the third time we have

done this.

MATT: I know! I’m not surprised by any of you.

It’s just– Oh no, I am surprised, I wasn’t

expecting it, but it makes sense.

MARISHA: Wow, it sounds like us last week.

MATT: Yeah, exactly.

LAURA: Hey!

TRAVIS: Or every week.

MATT: That being the case, anyone who cares to get

involved in this, I need you to roll initiative.

TALIESIN: In.

MARISHA: In.

LAURA: Am I there?

SAM: Wait, you guys are all doing this to me?

TALIESIN: No, I want to be in initiative just to

make sure that I can actually make sure that–

MARISHA: I want to make decisions.

MATT: Would you have gone with him,

or would you have stayed back?

LAURA: Well, I was coming from talking to Jarrett

so, it’s up to you if I’m there yet.

MATT: So yeah, you wouldn’t be there actually,

yeah.

LAURA: Am I walking up as it’s happening?

MATT: You will be walking up towards the castle.

LIAM: This was a–

TRAVIS: Yeah, this was a Tweedledee and

Tweedledum.

LIAM: – Grog whispering to Vax thing,

on a walk.

MATT: So. There is no Percival, no Keyleth in,

but you guys were–

TALIESIN: Oh, I’m in!

MARISHA: No, I’m in.

MATT: Okay. Percival’s in, yeah, they’re there.

LIAM: Yeah, we’re not trying try to ditch them.

I’m just saying. It wasn’t an announced thing.

MATT: Yeah, so Vex is the only one who’s not

there. Okay, so, for those who are present and

wish to be part of this: roll initiative.

What have we got? So we have…

SAM: Eight.

TRAVIS: (laughs)

SAM: (choking noise)

TALIESIN: 25.

SAM: You shouldn’t bother. It’s over!

MARISHA: 16.

LIAM: (choking noise) Big 11.

TRAVIS: 18.

MATT: Okay, Percival, you’re up first. As you watch

Grog backhand this mechanical entity in the face,

while Vax appears from the shadows and

just beans the back of Taryon across the center of

the neck and spinal column–

SAM: (muffled scream)

MATT: – and he falls to his knee making this

horrible, horrible sound.

LIAM: (laughs) That’s my friend.

TALIESIN: Come on man, pick it up, pick it up! I

just draw my sword and stand on the sidelines,

preparing for whatever is about to happen.

SAM: (gasping for breath)

MATT: Okay. Grog.

TRAVIS: Did Doty go down or– no, he just stood

there looking at me afterwards, right?

MATT: Yeah. Doty just (twang), and looked back at

you slowly.

TRAVIS: Right. Where is–

MATT: Unblinking mechanical face.

TRAVIS: Where is Tary Jumbo?

MATT: Right here, about five feet from you.

TRAVIS: I look at him.

SAM: (whimpers)

TRAVIS: I hold up my hand and say: Show me what

you have learned

(all laugh)

MATT: That’s all you do?

TRAVIS: That’s it.

MATT: Okay, that’s Grog’s turn. Keyleth.

MARISHA: Okay, first and foremost I’m going to

create a windwall, around us, like an arena.

MATT: Like an arena.

MARISHA: Yeah.

MATT: Okay.

MARISHA: (wind swirling) And then I’m

gonna–

MATT: Suddenly, the wind kicks up around (heavy

wind). The leaves and various fallen parts

of the greenery around here kick up into this

torrent around you, as the wind is now creating a

barrier around the battlefield.

MARISHA: Yeah, I turn to Percy and I say: man,

you know, I almost feel bad for the guy.

SAM: (gasps loudly)

TALIESIN: Give him a boost.

MARISHA: Should I give him a boost?

TALIESIN: Give him a boost.

MARISHA: Should we give him an incentive?

TALIESIN: Nah.

MARISHA: All right, we’ll start with a boost.

And I give him a healing word.

MATT: Okay, what level?

MARISHA: We’ll give him a level two.

MATT: Level two, all right. 2d4 plus six.

MARISHA: I guess you’re worth it. Oh, you got real

lucky Tary. I got a four and a three,

which adds to be seven. Plus…

MATT: Plus six for your Wisdom, so it’s 13.

MARISHA: 13 points. And then I say: come on,

Tary!

SAM: (high-pitched) What? Who said that? Why is

the wind blowing?

MATT: Vax, what are you doing?

(all laugh)

LIAM: I bring my hand around the back of his head,

and I’m gonna use my action to cast Lay on Hands

and dump all 15 hit points into the back of his

head. Then I’m going to use Disengage and hop back

away from him and say– Oh, no! Before I hop back

and say: we are a bunch of fucking assholes and

this is all you are going to get with us.

Are you sure?

And then use Disengage to roll back.

MATT: All right. And you move back away from him?

LIAM: Yeah, but I have my movement plus– Yes,

back.

MATT: How far?

LIAM: 30 feet.

MATT: 30 feet.

MATT: All righty. Yep, okay. That ends your turn.

Taryon. What do you wish to do?

TRAVIS: First time.

SAM: Hands shaking, body quivering, blood

everywhere.

(all laugh)

LIAM: No, no, no–

MATT: No, out of the nose.

LIAM: You have a massive headache.

MATT: You did 88 damage to him from

behind with the back of your dagger. There is

blood out of his nose, out of his ears.

LIAM: I just wanted to get him to unconscious.

If I’m not a master assassin–

LAURA: Nope.

LIAM: How can I not go (thu-kunk) and not–

MARISHA: You at least split his head.

TRAVIS: He has weak capillaries.

MATT: Understand, you critically hit him from

behind to do 88 points of damage.

LIAM: Right.

MATT: That would have killed a regular human

being.

LIAM: Right, right.

MATT: Or at least have put them in a– He’s not

like, bleeding out.

LIAM: Okay.

MATT: But he looks rough.

(all laugh)

LIAM: Did I make it clear that I was trying to do

this to Sam and not Tary?

(all laugh)

MATT: No. Sam, what are you doing?

SAM: I– I, shit, well Grog gets an attack,

but I’m going to–

MATT: Actually, Grog is not directly in a melee

with you, so Grog does not.

SAM: Oh, I’m going to counter clockwise around

Doty, all the way round.

MATT: All the way around to here?

SAM: Yeah, yeah. All the way round, yeah.

So I’m facing Grog and the others, in a sort of a

cone pattern. And I fumble, I’m fumbling on the

helmet, trying to find the right gem to pull out.

And I pull out a diamond. And I pluck it out of

the helmet and I go (screams).

And I will cast Prismatic Spray.

TALIESIN: Yeah!

LAURA: Oh shit!

MATT: So just past Doty, (whoosh), as a familiar,

and previously prevented, blast of rainbow arcane

energy comes shooting forth from Taryon’s hand.

Hitting Grog, Keyleth and Percival.

TALIESIN: Yep.

MATT: I need you all to make a dexterity saving

throw.

MARISHA: Yeah.

TRAVIS: Awesome.

TALIESIN: I get advantage on that.

MATT: You do, because of your cloak.

TALIESIN: It’s a– What saving throw? I’m so

sorry.

MATT: What’s the DC on that?

SAM: Oh! On me?

MATT: Yes, on the helmet.

SAM: The helm is 18.

MATT: Okay.

TRAVIS: 13.

MARISHA: 23.

SAM: Wow.

TALIESIN: 20.

SAM: Wow, guys.

MATT: Okay, so. Both of you guys halve the damage.

Grog does not.

TRAVIS: Gimme what you got.

LIAM & MARISHA: Show me what you got!

TALIESIN: I’m going to use my reaction to swallow

part of the spell, so I’m going to take half

damage of his half damage.

MATT: Okay, got you. I’m going to go ahead and do

this.

MARISHA: Can you do the chargey thing?

TALIESIN: Mm-hm. But I’m fully charged.

MARISHA: Oh, that’s cool. That’s cool.

TALIESIN: I can use this as long as I have a

reaction.

MARISHA: Right.

SAM: Do I roll? Do you roll?

MATT: Actually, you get to roll. If you want to.

So it’s 10d6 damage.

SAM: Maybe you should roll.

MATT: Okay, I did roll for that one.

SAM: Oh, okay.

MATT: Just in case, so–

SAM: 10d6 what damage?

MATT: I’m gonna figure that out here in just a

minute.

SAM: Okay.

TALIESIN: I’m so excited.

MATT: 41 damage, however, against you, Percy.

MARISHA: If you’ve vaporized me, I’m going to be

real pissed.

MATT: That is 41 points of poison damage to you.

TALIESIN: Halved.

MATT: Reduced to 20, reduced to ten.

TALIESIN: To ten.

MATT: And your charges are still full,

regardless.

TALIESIN: Yeah.

MATT: Keyleth.

MARISHA: Yeah.

MATT: You take 41 points of fire damage,

halved to 20. So, 20 points of fire damage as the

red beam hits you and the flames just burn across.

The front of your hair blown back from the blast

of the heat. Percival, you feel the sickly ray of

the poison splatter past and cover your skin with

this semi-translucent poisonous liquid. Grog,

you take 41 points of cold damage.

TRAVIS: I have resistance, with my new exalted

knuckles.

MATT: You do. So, you take 20 points of cold

damage from that.

TRAVIS: Thank you.

MATT: So, the beam subsides and you see them all

blasted with it, but they’re still standing.

SAM: (gasps)

MATT: Perturbed by it.

SAM: How are they still alive?

(all laugh)

MATT: And Doty’s at the ready, (metal

hitting metal) What do you want Doty to do?

MARISHA: New kid’s got game.

SAM: Well, first of all, as my bonus action,

I will cast Sanctuary on myself.

MARISHA: What the fuck is that?

TRAVIS: What is that?

SAM: It protects me from things.

(all laugh)

SAM: Like a lot.

TRAVIS: We’ll see.

MATT: (laughing) Yeah, I love it.

TRAVIS: That’s a new one right? We haven’t come up

against that before.

SAM: They’re all new, friend.

MATT: All right, so Sanctuary on you, and what do

you want to tell Doty to do?

SAM: Doty, I will say, (gasping for breath) Doty,

save me… Save me! Hit the big guy!

MATT: (metal grinding and a heavy force

swinging) And is going to go in for …

The giant fist hit towards you.

That is going to be a 17 to hit. What’s your AC?

TRAVIS: That is my AC.

MATT: All right, that hits. And then, after the

fist comes back and smacks you in the face,

across the jaw, for nine plus five– 14 points of

bludgeoning damage.

TRAVIS: Beautiful.

MATT: The hand grabs the front your clavicle,

pulls back, and attempts to headbutt you.

That’s a natural 20.

LIAM: Ooh.

TALIESIN: Yeah!

TRAVIS: Nice. I love it.

MARISHA: Yeah? Yeah.

MATT: That is 14– That is 19 points of

bludgeoning damage.

So, halved to nine.

LIAM: That’s terrible.

TRAVIS: I’m not raging.

MATT: That’s right! So–

TRAVIS: 19 points of bludgeoning damage.

MATT: Yeah, so 19 points of bludgeoning damage.

As Doty just

(clang) slams you right in the middle of the face.

You feel the nose kinda (cracking noise) from the

break, and the blood getting gushed from your

nostrils. From the headbutt.

TRAVIS: Nice.

MATT: All right, that ends Doty’s turn.

Sanctuary’s on you.

Next up, top of the round, Percival.

TALIESIN: Mm.

MARISHA: Yeah, that Prismatic Spray was

impressive.

TALIESIN: That was very impressive, yes.

MARISHA: What are you gonna do?

TALIESIN: I don’t know. I think I’m just gonna

enjoy watching this for a minute.

MARISHA: Yeah.

TALIESIN: I’m gonna hold my attack. Until he pulls

out another object. Of any kind.

MATT: Okay, so you’re holding until he fiddles

with an object.

TALIESIN: Yep.

MATT: Okay. That brings it to Grog.

TRAVIS: Right. That was a pretty good hit,

and now I’m angry. And I rage.

MATT: Okay.

SAM: I’m dead.

MATT: Bonus action, rage.

TRAVIS: And I walk up so I am within melee–

Actually, I’ll go opposite… yeah, on the other

side of Tary from Doty.

MATT: Okay.

SAM: I don’t attack of opportunity, do I?

TRAVIS: No, no, I wanna be on Tary, opposite of–

MATT: You weren’t in combat with him.

SAM: Got it.

TRAVIS: Yeah, no, I wanna be– I wanna put Tary

between me and the big robot.

MATT: Oh I see. So you go this way.

TRAVIS: Yeah.

MATT: Okay. Great. I will say Doty does get an

attack of opportunity on you.

TRAVIS: Yep.

MATT: As you pull out of the way. That is a nine.

That does not hit you.

TRAVIS: Nope.

MATT: (whoosh) Just too slow, and too wide as the

rage kinda instills you with adrenaline,

and you dodge past.

SAM: Dammit, Doty, do better!

MATT: All right.

TRAVIS: And as I look down, dribbling out of my

mouth, I say, Is that it? And that’s my turn.

LAURA: Oh, God.

SAM: What? You’re not gonna kill me?

MATT: That’s your turn?

TRAVIS: Yep.

MATT: Okay. Keyleth.

MARISHA: (sighs) Should I make this more

interesting? What haven’t we tested yet? We

haven’t really seen him dodge yet, right?

TALIESIN: I think we should see him dodge.

MARISHA: See how well he can dodge. And I throw a

Fireball. (explosion)

LAURA: (gasps)

MARISHA: Right next to Tary.

MATT: Next to Tary? Okay.

MARISHA: I don’t wanna mess up Grog. Just Tary and

Doty.

MATT: Okay, make a wisdom saving throw.

LIAM: Whoa.

MARISHA: Make a wisdom saving throw?

TRAVIS: (gasps)

MATT: Yes.

MARISHA: Why? Because…

TRAVIS: Because he asked you to.

MATT: Make a wisdom saving throw.

LIAM: You find out afterwards.

MARISHA: The fuck did you do?

SAM: I got tricks.

TRAVIS: Sanctuary.

MARISHA: I got– oh, Sanctuary. Against spells?

Even though this is an AOE?

TRAVIS: What’s an AOE?

MATT: Any attack or spell that targets the warded

creature with an attack, so yes.

MARISHA: Any attack or spell. All right.

So, let’s roll this one. Not great. That’s not

great, but luckily I got really high wisdom.

So, 18.

MATT: What’s your spell DC, Tary?

SAM: My spell DC? Is 17.

MATT: Okay, so yeah. Go ahead and roll your

Fireball damage. Tary, I’m gonna need you to make

a dexterity saving throw.

LIAM: Oh my God.

MARISHA: Ow, jeez, oh my God. There’s like– There

was like a little twinge.

TALIESIN: You should have Vax work that out,

later.

MARISHA: I think I was– No, it’s this guy.

SAM: What do I do?

MATT: Dexterity saving throw, please.

SAM: Oh, that’s not gonna go well.

TALIESIN: No, you should get someone to work on

that.

MARISHA: I think it’s Tary.

SAM: Yeah, that’s an 11.

MATT: Okay, go ahead and roll damage if you don’t

mind, Keyleth.

LIAM: Oh my God, he is hanging on by a thread.

TRAVIS: This is amazing.

MARISHA: Wait, where’s my– Who stole my book?

SAM: I have your book.

MARISHA: Fireball!

SAM: But I need it more than you, you get

nothing!

MARISHA: I need to know what Fireball does.

MATT: (laughs) 8d6 points of damage.

MARISHA: What is it?

MATT: 8d6 points of fire damage.

SAM: Oh my God.

MARISHA: 8d6?

MATT: Yes.

MARISHA: I got it. One– one, two…

LAURA: Where am I on my walk up? Can I hear this

going on?

MARISHA: Seven.

MATT: You hear the distant– As you’re walking up

towards the front of the castle, you see,

suddenly, this blast of multicolored arcane

energy just,

(shhhh) out from over the castle wall.

LAURA: Take off running.

MATT: You start running. Through the castle?

LAURA: As fast as I can get there– The way I know

to get there the–

MATT: Okay.

LAURA: Would it be faster to go up– Broom up and

over? Into the courtyard.

MATT: Probably, otherwise you’d–

LAURA: Let’s do that.

MATT: Okay so you immediately take the broom,

slam it under, and begin flying at dash speed.

It’ll still take you a couple rounds to get

there.

LAURA: Okay.

MATT: And as you begin to crest up you see a fiery

explosion in the middle of the courtyard, now.

LAURA: I make sure I take off my hat.

MATT: Okay.

MARISHA: 34 damage. So he did not dodge, though,

right?

MATT: No, so it’s 34 points of fire damage.

SAM: Yeah.

MATT: Okay.

TALIESIN: You’re still …

MATT: Vax!

SAM: Alive?

TALIESIN: You’re still alive.

MATT: It is your turn.

LIAM: I take both daggers and I shove them in my

belt, and I start circling down– I’m looking at

the map– yeah, that way, and just start talking.

Tary. Tary.

SAM: Who’s talking?!

LIAM: It’s the elf boy. This is what we do,

this is what we’re gonna be facing, all right?

Guys, we’re fine, we’re fine, that’s enough.

MARISHA: You sure?

LIAM: Are you sure you want to play with us?

Because we’re going somewhere very dangerous very

soon, and they did not play nicely with me.

We’re about to go to hell

with someone who did not deal fairly with me.

TALIESIN: Several of us have already died.

MARISHA: I drop the wind wall.

MATT: And as you come up over the outside

perimeter wall of castle Whitestone, you watch as

the wind that is whipping around slowly subsides,

and there in the center of the courtyard,

you see the rest of your friends encircling

Taryon Darrington, who is currently on one knee

almost, and looks a little worse for wear.

LIAM: You can come along, and buddy, let me tell

you something, if we get in the middle of the

shit, I will protect you, but it is going to be

rough. And they’re not going to call off their

attack like we are. Are you sure you want to write

this book and come with us?

LAURA: Can I cannonball Trinket into the middle of

it?

MATT: Sure. In the middle of this conversation,

you watch,

out of the corner of your eye, Taryon–

LAURA: Not at Taryon, at my party.

MATT: I know, but he looks over, because they’re

all facing him, and he looks up and sees you

arcing over the top of the wall, and suddenly

there’s a flash of dark energy and a large bear,

an armored bear, rolls out and just breaks into

the center of everyone here

as Taryon’s pulling back, and now roars.

SAM: (yells)

LAURA: What the fuck is happening? I step away for

five seconds and everybody’s at war.

MARISHA: No, no, this isn’t war.

TRAVIS: Yeah, we’re playing.

MARISHA: This is great, we were just giving him a

little trial run.

Isn’t that right, Tary? Isn’t this great?

SAM: No, this is not good.

MARISHA: He’s fine.

LIAM: Are you changing your mind?

SAM: I can’t do this. I can’t do any of this.

I’m sorry.

LIAM: Oh, wow.

SAM: I’m not a real adventurer. That was a story I

told you. I know it was very convincing,

but I haven’t been on any real adventures, ever,

and–

MARISHA: We knew that as soon as you said you

wanted to rescue a damsel.

SAM: I know that you thought that I was an

adventurer.

MARISHA: We never– no.

SAM: I know that you all look at me and you just

see the armor and the handsomeness–

TALIESIN: The armor, yes.

SAM: –and the bravado.

TALIESIN: The armor.

SAM: And you think, he has it all.

TALIESIN: It’s very nice armor.

SAM: He has everything that we want. But it’s a

lie. It’s a ruse.

LAURA: Can I land?

(all laugh)

MATT: And Trinket is still holding this aggressive

stance to the rest of you, just in the vicinity,

and looks a little more confused and just sits

down.

LAURA: Yeah, I think we’re fine here, Trinket.

MARISHA: You notice we tend to make a lot of

people cry?

LAURA: You made him cry?

TALIESIN: We do.

MARISHA: We make a lot of people cry.

LAURA: What the fuck happened?

TALIESIN: We thought we would just give him a

little taste of

where he’s going to make sure that

he was up to it.

MARISHA: We told him we were gonna go see Hotis

and defeat him in the Nine Hells,

and we wanted to make sure he lived.

TALIESIN: We couldn’t have this happen in the Nine

Hells.

MARISHA: Yeah, look at him.

TALIESIN: There’s no crying in the Nine Hells.

LIAM: The worst place in all the multiverse,

and we’re gonna

let him smack into that for his first time?

LAURA: Tary, you could die.

SAM: I… can I be real with you guys?

LAURA: Oh, we’re ready.

TALIESIN: All right, all right.

SAM: (tearfully) My sister’s gonna get everything.

All the money. The whole business. The compound,

the villas, everything. He’s giving it to my

sister unless I prove myself. All right? I just

came out here to prove myself to my old man.

And I know that if I do, he will respect me

finally, and he will give me my money, and my

trust fund, and he will give me my villa,

and I will be the guy who takes over the

business. And I just– I thought that I could.

But I can’t. And I neeeed to.

(all laugh)

TALIESIN: Oh son, oh son.

LAURA: Oh, Tary.

LIAM: I walk over.

TALIESIN: Daddy issues, that’s all we had to

hear.

SAM: I need to, I need to.

LIAM: I kneel in front of him and I start

massaging where I fucking beaned him.

LAURA: Oh, careful there, it’ll leave a bruise.

MATT: It stings a lot.

LIAM: No, no, I have very deft fingers.

MARISHA: Honestly, if you would’ve led with daddy

issues, we probably would’ve trusted you.

TALIESIN: We would’ve just taken you right on.

LIAM: Because fathers can be assholes.

TALIESIN: They’re so awful.

SAM: He doesn’t like me, and he doesn’t like the

books I read, and he doesn’t like that I like

fantasy novels, and he doesn’t like anything about

me.

TALIESIN: It’s like looking into a dark mirror.

I don’t know how I feel about this very dark

mirror right now.

LIAM: I take him into a gentle headlock and I turn

to my sister and say, Ahh, this guy.

LAURA: Ahh, this guy.

LIAM: Now I like this guy.

TRAVIS: I raise my hands above my head.

LIAM: Wait, what are you doing, what are you

doing?

TRAVIS: Are we not finishing this?

TALIESIN: No.

MARISHA: No.

LIAM: No.

LAURA: Not so much.

MARISHA: We just learned that Tary’s an ugly

crier.

We can’t beat him over the head after that.

MATT: Trinket’s head pokes just into frame to you,

Taryon, and he goes (licks)

SAM: (yelps)

LAURA: No no no. He’s my pet.

LIAM: That was terrible tough love, and I’m very

sorry. I think you should come with us.

LAURA: What?

LIAM: I think you should.

SAM: I can be like an apprentice. Or an intern.

You guys are so powerful and I’m not.

LIAM: Do you know something? That fucking gaudy

hat you’re wearing? I would have no idea how to

harness the power of that hat.

SAM: Really?

LIAM: I don’t know shit about shit. All I know how

to do is hit people in the back of the head,

that’s the one skill that I have. You know a lot

more than I do. All you lack is experience.

LAURA: Yeah, but I really am a little worried he’s

gonna die in the Nine Hells.

LIAM: Well, I’m worried that we’re all going to

die in the Nine Hells.

LAURA: Isn’t there somewhere a little less scary

we can take him?

TRAVIS: Yeah, there’s other stuff we need to do.

LIAM: Is there?

MARISHA: I guess we could go ahead and head to the

Water Ashari. It should be fairly calm.

TRAVIS: Tary, have you ever passed out from

drinking too much?

SAM: No.

TRAVIS: Have you ever been unconscious?

SAM: Only when I go to sleep at night.

(all laugh)

LIAM: Oh my gosh.

LAURA: Oh no, I like him! Damn it.

LIAM: We had to beat him to a bloody pulp before

we liked him.

MARISHA: Look, we’re all fuck-ups. We like people

who show their vulnerabilities.

SAM: No, I’m brave and strong.

TALIESIN: No, no.

LAURA: Nobody likes a dick. Well.

MARISHA: Or a douchenozzle.

LAURA: There it is.

TRAVIS: Now you’re using it too many times.

MARISHA: Too much? Okay.

TALIESIN: Your cowering honesty has won us over.

Let’s get you a beer. Would you like a beer?

SAM: No, I don’t drink beer.

TALIESIN: Would you like a glass of wine?

SAM: Yes.

TALIESIN: We have wine. We have a lot of wine.

Some of it is quite good.

SAM: Really?

TALIESIN: Really.

SAM: Because the stuff we had in Ank'harel was

really gross. I didn’t wanna say anything, but–

TALIESIN: No, we know it was gross.

SAM: It was really gross.

TALIESIN: Yes.

SAM: It had no terroir.

TALIESIN: Sometimes we must sacrifice for the

adventure.

LAURA: Do you have any wine in your bag of

holding?

SAM: No!

TALIESIN: We have wine.

LAURA: I know, I just want to taste his wine.

TALIESIN: Well, that’s fair.

SAM: I don’t have any wine.

TRAVIS: Has Dotty been in any fights, or–

SAM: Doty.

MATT: Which, for the record, you now look over and

Doty has been writing all this down.

(all laugh)

TALIESIN: You are the worst person, I love you.

SAM: Doty, no! Why? Just pause for now.

LAURA: No, but seriously, was he your nanny? It’s

okay if he was. I just want to know.

LIAM: I mean, honestly, we’d like–

LAURA: We’d like you more.

LIAM: We like fuck-ups. We’re a family of

fuck-ups, so, you want in or not?

LAURA: If you’re honest.

SAM: Doty is my best friend. My only friend.

Because he listens to me, and understands me,

and at night, when I play my characters,

he plays with me. I play combat, and I pretend to

be some of the characters I’ve read about,

and he pretends to be the others.

TRAVIS: I’m gonna kill him.

(all laugh)

LAURA: No, that’s really wonderful. So you want to

be an actor.

SAM: No, I want to be a hero. And I just haven’t

had the chance yet because my father says that I

should just be focused on taking over the family

business, learning financial things. And learning

how to shake down a customer, and I’m so much more

than that.

MARISHA: There are other ways of being a hero than

being an adventurer. There are a lot of ways you

could be a hero.

SAM: Tell me one.

LAURA: You could be a philanthropist.

MARISHA: Yeah. People who spend a lot of their

earnings and people who are more privileged,

like you, who help people in less privileged

places.

LIAM: There are many ways to help people in need.

SAM: Do they write books about philanthropists?

LAURA: A lot of times they do.

MARISHA: Yeah. People generally like them.

SAM: But the stories I’ve read of adventure and

derring-do and bravery–

TRAVIS: Much cooler.

SAM: Much cooler!

TRAVIS: Less boring.

SAM: Jumbo gets it.

TRAVIS: I promise you, none of their dads leave

the adventurers’ money to their daughters,

it’s always to the sons.

LIAM: But first I’d like to suggest a mantra.

I don’t know if you’ve ever tried it. It helps

for me, it has in the past. Fuck your dad.

That’s one–

LAURA and TALIESIN: Well.

LIAM: You know what I mean, you fucking

third-grade assholes, jeepers creepers.

SAM: He could have me or any of you killed.

LIAM: We’ll see. The other thing is, you’ve done

the impossible.

SAM: Which is?

LIAM: Well, I’ve taken a shine to you for some

reason. Do you wanna shake off the child’s play

and do the real thing?

SAM: Very much.

LIAM: The truth is, you never stop being afraid.

Being brave doesn’t mean you stop being afraid,

it means you learn to compartmentalize it.

You just live with it. So that feeling you’re

feeling? You’re not gonna lose that.

SAM: Okay. But how will I survive in battle?

LIAM: Well…

TRAVIS: Healing potions, people who look out for

each other.

TALIESIN: Friends. Friends.

LAURA: Hide behind your giant robot.

LIAM: This guys absorbs damage, so stick by him.

LAURA: Stay clear if what you do is cast spells.

Don’t get up in the fray.

MARISHA: I can cast spells, and so can Vex, here.

It’s through my antlers, so respect the antlers.

SAM: Oh, I do. I do. They look very powerful.

MARISHA: Respect.

SAM: Something about your eyes make me feel

ashamed.

LAURA: (laughs)

LIAM: Wow.

SAM: I’m sorry.

TRAVIS: Oh, shit. That is a new one.

LAURA: Let’s go get a drink.

LIAM: Can we get this guy drunk, please.

TALIESIN: We’re getting into shame and we’re

sober, I think something must be done about this.

TRAVIS: We got him so close to the brink,

right? Shouldn’t we just introduce him to the

deep end so he can say he’s been there, and then

we bring him up?

LAURA: What, like knock him unconscious?

TRAVIS: Yeah.

SAM: Please don’t.

TRAVIS: No, no, really, there’s something to be

said for it.

TALIESIN: Why don’t we do it with wine?

LIAM: Yeah, yes, Percy’s right.

MARISHA: We could do a little roleplay exercise,

like in your stories.

TALIESIN: We have a magnificent library.

SAM: You do?

TALIESIN: Oh, yes.

TRAVIS: Oh, god.

MARISHA: Full disclosure.

TALIESIN: It’s time we had another nerd.

MARISHA: Full disclosure, Tary, there aren’t many

damsels you have to rescue in the wild. I’ve

learned mainly because women in the world have to

be tougher. So that doesn’t happen very often.

But, if you want, we can make pretend and do a

little thought exercise, and I’ll pretend to be in

distress and you can rescue me if that’ll make you

feel better.

TRAVIS: Yeah yeah yeah, he just has to vanquish

me.

MARISHA: Yeah, but you have to vanquish Grog.

SAM: All right, let’s go get drunk, then.

TALIESIN and MARISHA: Okay!

(all laugh)

LIAM: We really haven’t had a barn-burner since we

got back from the big do, you know. We should get

your sister, we should get Shaun, we should get

Allura and Kima and anyone who’s in town.

TALIESIN: Let’s have a good drink, and in the

morning we’ll set off on the next leg of idiocy.

LIAM: Yeah, you know, Tary, there’s something you

don’t really know about– we’ve just– I mean,

it’s really complicated, it’s hard to explain to

you, you’re an outsider. But we have just lost

someone very dear to us. It’s very complicated.

And maybe we’re dealing with shit that is hard,

so I’m sorry if we pushed you too hard.

I think there was benefit to be had from what

just happened, but we’re in a shitty headstate.

A dear friend is gone, so, apologies.

SAM: I understand. I haven’t really experienced

loss of that type before. I mean. But I want to

understand, and I thank you for your honesty with

me and for not holding back.

Did I at least cause you some harm in the battle?

MARISHA: Yes!

LIAM: I thought you would go down in one shot,

and you were still standing!

TRAVIS: It was pretty weak, actually.

TALIESIN: I still feel a little ill.

MARISHA: Yeah! And look, you singed a little of my

hair!

SAM: That’s good, right?

MARISHA: Yeah!

SAM: All right.

TALIESIN: To be fair, we’ve killed dragons,

so the fact that you actually managed to hold it

together is actually quite impressive!

LIAM: I mean, clearly we’ve been fucking with you

a little bit, but you have ability and skill,

and that’s not bullshit. Seriously.

TRAVIS: Yeah, the rest’s just fake it 'til you

make it, yeah?

LIAM: Yeah. That will get you–

LAURA: I didn’t see any of it, so I’m not sure.

SAM: It was really great. It was really great?

TALIESIN: Yes!

LIAM: Yeah! Yes!

SAM: Thank you, thank you all. I’m sorry for

deceiving you before, and I promise to do better

and to aid you in whatever way I can. Please teach

me your ways, and I will learn what I can.

TRAVIS: Did you build Dotty?

SAM: For heaven’s sake, yes! I did.

LIAM: I believe him, I believe him.

TRAVIS: Let’s open him up and figure out if he’s

lying.

SAM: Please no, no, I, no–

TALIESIN: No no no no no.

LAURA: (laughs) Grog!

TRAVIS: What.

LAURA: Stop. (laughs)

LIAM: (whispers) He’s just– he’s fucking with

you, it’s fine. (normal volume) It’s all right.

It’s all right. Let’s go get drunk.

MARISHA: Yeah!

LAURA: That’s all we do.

LIAM: Yeah.

MARISHA: Get drunk and make people cry.

LIAM: It’s been too long, are you kidding?

SAM: All right, I hang back just a little bit to

collect myself. Just try to dry my eyes,

and I say to Doty: Doty, just delete most of that

last chapter–

MATT: (sounds of Doty ripping and crumpling paper)

SAM: – and take this down. “The battle a draw,

Taryon decided it was better to lie than tell the

"truth, and embarked on a new adventure pretending

to be their humble intern, when in actuality,

"they were working for him.” End of chapter!

MATT: (sounds of book slamming shut and Doty

walking)

LIAM: Oh my gosh, that can go in any direction.

TALIESIN: I love it.

LAURA: So dark. SO DARK!

TRAVIS: We’re getting to the deep end!

MATT: (chuckles) As Doty follows you, you guys

make your way into the castle. Wine bottles are

brought about, and a raucous evening of drinking

is easily found. The barn-burner you’re looking

for: Shaun is able to be mustered, Jarrett,

Kima’s still back in Emon, and actually Allura is

in town briefly to retrieve Pike. And as Pike

comes in, she reaches you guys.

“Hi. Apparently there’s still a lot of recovery

that’s needed in Emon and they need kind of an

"all-hands-on-deck circumstance with anyone who’s

trained in healing,

"so I may have to go help with that for a little

bit, if that’s okay?”

LIAM: Oh, man.

TRAVIS: Yeah, of course!

LAURA: Whatever you need, dear.

MATT: I mean, don’t– don’t go– (sigh) don’t go

to any crazy hell places without me, let me know

before that happens, please.

LAURA: Oh. Right.

TRAVIS: (scoffs) No, we would never!

SAM: That’s exactly what they’re planning on

doing!

TRAVIS: No, Tary, what did we say about lying?

SAM: They just said that they’re taking me to

hell, or something like that!

LAURA: Well, we won’t, obviously, if you don’t

want us to, Pike.

TALIESIN: We’ve decided to go a little softer with

him.

LIAM: We’re figuring it out.

MATT: I mean, try and at least let me know?

LAURA: 'Course.

MARISHA: Pike, I have to eventually go visit the

Water Ashari,

but I didn’t want to do that without you.

MATT: It’s fine, go! I mean, I don’t know how much

help I’ll be other than just getting you there,

but there’s plenty of people that can, you know,

helm a ship and get you across the sea.

MARISHA: Is there any advice you can give?

MATT: Hire a good crew. Really. I was but one of

many and everything I learned, I learned from

watching other people. You might learn more than I

did!

MARISHA: All right.

MATT:Okay?

MARISHA: Okay.

LAURA: Pike. I step away with her.

(all laugh)

LAURA: How are you? I mean, you’re heading off to

Emon right after Scanlan left, does this have

anything to do with him?

MATT: I could use the distraction, to be honest.

You’ll be fine, I mean, it’s all tying up loose

ends, and I’m more needed helping people that

really need what I can do right now.

LAURA: I understand.

MATT: It won’t be long, they’re gathering a lot of

great healers.

I know Keeper Yennen’s coming along–

LAURA: Oh, good.

MATT: – and we’re gonna be doing some people some

real good.

LAURA: All right.

MATT: Might even bring the love of my Lady to a

few people.

Her light can definitely heal a lot of

wounds and spirits, so.

LAURA: All right. I give her a big hug, and I

whisper in her ear.

You don’t always have to put

on a brave face, dear.

MATT: She pulls back from you and kind of pats you

on the side of your face.

MATT: “Yeah, I do.” And she smiles and turns

around and puts her hand out, and Allura takes her

hand.

“Are we ready?”

TRAVIS: Wait, bye, Pike!

MATT: She lets go of Allura’s hand, runs up real

fast, and just slugs you in the face–

TRAVIS: Yeah!

MATT: – and jumps into your arms.

TRAVIS: Yeah.

MATT: Ohh.

TRAVIS: You go be a monster, and you heal all the

people.

MATT: I will!

TRAVIS: All right.

MATT: Okay.

TRAVIS: Okay, bye.

MATT: “Bye.” She turns around and runs back to

Allura.

LIAM: It’s pretty good.

TRAVIS: That got harder, man, damn.

LIAM: It’s pretty good.

MATT: After Yennen is summoned forth, the three of

them vanish into a swirl of arcane energy,

towards the direction of Emon.

LAURA: (exhales) First one goes, then the other.

TALIESIN: She’ll be back.

LAURA: (sighs)

LIAM: We’re gnomeless.

LAURA: Gnomeless.

SAM: Was that your girlfriend, Jumbo?

TRAVIS: What’d you say?

SAM: Was that your girlfriend?

LIAM: (sharp inhale) We just got good.

SAM: Oh. Sorry. I don’t– I’m just trying to catch

up. I’ll–

TALIESIN: That’s fair, that’s fair.

TRAVIS: Let me see your hand.

LAURA: It’s a fair question.

SAM: My hand?

TRAVIS: Yeah, hold your hand out.

SAM: My hand?

TRAVIS: Yeah, put it in mine.

SAM: Please don’t kill me.

MARISHA: Aw.

TALIESIN: Aw.

MARISHA: That was a good exercise in restraint,

Grog. Proud of you.

TRAVIS: (grumbling)

LIAM: Come here. Tell me more about your father.

SAM: He’s really a rotten guy. (sighs) He does

these unfair deals– nobody knows about them but

me, and I tried to tell him to play on the up and

up but he’s just a liar and a cheat.

LIAM: That’s terrible. Drink up, by the way.

SAM: Oh, thank you.

MARISHA: So how long have you been set forth on

your little mission to prove yourself worthy?

SAM: Month, month and a half.

LIAM: Really?

MARISHA: Welcome aboard the proving-yourself

train.

SAM: I hired a band of mercenaries to assist me

for the first month.

LAURA: Did you really get them killed?

SAM: No, they left me.

(all laugh)

TALIESIN: (sighs)

LAURA: Can I insight check him?

MATT: Yeah.

LAURA: Natural 20.

MARISHA: (gasps)

SAM: Truth.

LAURA: All right.

TRAVIS: Is that your real name?

SAM: Yes, it is.

TRAVIS: Thought you would’ve made a shitty name

like that one up.

SAM: Taryon Gary Darrington.

(all laugh)

MARISHA: Wow, your dad really is an asshole.

SAM: Yes, he is.

LIAM: No.

TALIESIN: How’s your sister, at least? Is your

sister reasonable?

SAM: She’s the fucking worst.

TALIESIN: Oh, no.

MARISHA: What?

SAM: Yes, she’s so– She’s such a jock. She just

does push-ups and sit-ups and pull-ups all day and

all night and beats on me. She’s younger than me,

but she’s so much stronger.

TRAVIS: What’s her name?

SAM: Her name is– I wrote this down.

LAURA: What’s my sister’s name? You don’t know!

SAM: (ugly cries)

(all laugh)

SAM: Mary-Anne.

LAURA: Mary-Anne Darrington.

TRAVIS: Mary-Anne.

SAM: Mary-Anne Darrington.

TALIESIN: Mary-Anne. Marian Darrington.

LAURA: Marion Darrington.

TRAVIS: Is she older, or younger?

TALIESIN: Marion Darrington.

MARISHA: Marion Darrington. (laughs)

SAM: My father, Howard–

TALIESIN: He is the worst person.

SAM: – and my mom, Maria.

MARISHA: Maria.

TRAVIS: Is Mary-Anne older or younger than you?

TALIESIN: Younger.

SAM: Younger!

TRAVIS: Is she married?

SAM: No. She’s not a married Marion.

(all laugh)

TALIESIN: She’s a maid Marion?

LAURA: Oh…

MARISHA: She’s a maid Marion.

TALIESIN: No. Maid Marion Darrington.

SAM: She’s all focused on the business, and taking

it over when Dad’s ready to retire.

TALIESIN: Then she’ll be a made maid Marion.

(all laugh)

TRAVIS: Wow…

TALIESIN: I may be drunk.

(all laugh)

MARISHA: That’s fun.

LIAM: Was there anything good about your

upbringing? Any positive points?

SAM: Yes. Yes, I learned so much. I was left to my

own devices for hours on end. I traveled the

world… in literature. And I experienced such

great adventures, tales of history and fiction

and– For most of my life, I was just a

happy-go-lucky kid in my room. Reading my books,

and making up characters that I would fight

against, and only recently have things gotten

pretty bad with Dad, since I am now of age to take

over the business, and uh–

LIAM: At the early age of 28?

SAM: Well, he’s getting up in years. Wants to

retire to the southern villa.

TALIESIN: This is such a dark mirror. This is a

very dark mirror.

MARISHA: I’m concerned– I’m sorry, I’m confused.

Tary. That was a Freudian slip. Why does your

father think it’s important to have brute strength

and combat experience to run a business?

SAM: It’s less about strength and more about a

cutthroat attitude. Take no prisoners. Hold back

nothing. Pull no punches.

MARISHA: Are you sure your father’s a real estate

agent?

SAM: To be honest, he doesn’t take me along with

him to many business deals, but he has great

influence over many places and cities, and

important people, and I don’t exactly know the ins

and outs of the business–

SAM: But (inhales) I do know that he is ruthless

and a bastard, if you ask me truthfully.

LIAM: Literally?

SAM: No, I mean, we had a grandfather, so I– I

mean, I think he’s not really a bastard. I think.

I don’t know. What do you mean?

(all laugh)

LIAM: I mean. What do I mean? I mean, was he the

offspring of–

SAM: He has a father.

LIAM: I’m sure he does. Was he married to your

mother?

SAM: I think so. They were around a lot.

LIAM: So you mean, shithead?

SAM: He’s an asshole.

LIAM: All right.

MARISHA: That’s a long walk to get to shithead.

TALIESIN: That was a long walk to–

LIAM: There’s a lot of backstory here that you’re

not privy to.

MARISHA: What’s your father’s name?

SAM: Howard.

TALIESIN: Howard.

LIAM: Howard.

LAURA: Howard Darrington.

TRAVIS: C'mon, note-taker.

TALIESIN: Show him your tattoo, I’m just sort of

curious. I just had a thought.

LIAM: My tattoo? What? The Slayer’s Take?

TALIESIN: –the Clasp.

LIAM: That’s a fucking Keyleth palm at this

point.

MARISHA: I removed it.

TALIESIN: You did?

LAURA: Oh…

MARISHA: I burnt it off of him.

TALIESIN: You’re gonna make me draw it? That’s

fine. I’m doing the Clasp logo, if I– Does this

look at all familiar? I have the Clasp logo.

MATT: Yeah, it does not.

MARISHA: Hashtag Clasp.

TALIESIN: Hashtag Clasp.

MARISHA: Interesting.

SAM: No. You’re all literate? You can read and

write?

TALIESIN: Most of us, yes.

SAM: Wow. I haven’t met many of you in my travels

that have–

TALIESIN: We even have a library.

SAM: That’s amazing.

LAURA: Big one.

LIAM: Yeah, I mean, he’s particularly brainy.

You guys have a lot in common.

TALIESIN: We have quite a nice library.

LIAM: I mean, there’s a lot of differences between

the two of you, but you have a lot in common.

SAM: Really?

LIAM: Yeah.

TALIESIN: Horrifyingly, yes.

LAURA: Yeah.

TALIESIN: Yeah, I was a bit of a reader growing

up.

SAM: Oh?

TALIESIN: Yes. Fiction and non-fiction. A bit of

everything. I was a–

SAM: Perhaps we can compare books later?

TALIESIN: I will happily show you my library.

LIAM: Huh.

SAM: This guy– This excites me.

TALIESIN: Stop. Stop smiling at that.

LIAM: You can teach him the art of nerd chic,

Percy.

TALIESIN: He seems to be well-built for it.

MARISHA: You know, Percy is a bit of a tinkerer

himself as well.

TALIESIN: I do… Yeah.

SAM: Really?

TALIESIN: Yes. Yes, I’ve built a few things.

SAM: That piece of equipment you showed to that

weirdo earlier today– the thing with the handle?

TALIESIN: Yeah.

SAM: Did you make that?

TALIESIN: I didn’t make that, but I did make this

one. And I pull down the folded ridiculous–

MATT: Bad News contraption?

TALIESIN: Bad News.

TALIESIN: Um, yeah.

LAURA: I keep filling up Grog’s mug, to make sure

he gets his fill.

SAM: What does that– What does that do?

TALIESIN: It takes these– and I pull out a musket

ball– and it fires them at great speed.

In whatever direction I like.

SAM: That is–

TALIESIN: Very dangerous–

SAM: Sexy.

TALIESIN: Thank you. It’s very dangerous.

SAM: It’s very sexy.

TALIESIN: Thank you. I think so.

SAM: Wow. And did you make this by yourself?

TALIESIN: I did. This took about six months? Seven

months? I mean, I’d been thinking about it for

quite a while. I’m working on a few others, too–

SAM: Wow.

LIAM: Oh, I didn’t know that.

TALIESIN: This is kind of the definitive– Yes,

this is when we were all–

MARISHA: Built it on our little summer vacation.

TALIESIN: – on the last time we took a break.

SAM: Is the propellant part of this piece right

here? Or is it in that big piece right there?

TALIESIN: Ah, neither. It’s in this–

SAM: Or is it magical?

TALIESIN: No, it’s not magical at all. Everything

in this is purely physical.

No magic involved whatsoever.

SAM: Oh…

TALIESIN: Yes.

SAM: Wow.

LIAM: What do you make of all this?

SAM: That’s impressive.

LAURA: Huh?

TALIESIN: Showing the mechanism off.

LIAM: I don’t know– nerd talk?

LAURA: I think it’s great.

LIAM: Yeah?

LAURA: Uh-huh.

LIAM: What do you think of the new guy?

LAURA: Oh, yeah. He’s weird? I don’t know.

LIAM: I mean, he’s not Scanlan.

LAURA: No.

LIAM: No.

LAURA: Nobody is.

SAM: Oh, you know what? I’m sorry. One second.

I forgot, I owe you some money, don’t I?

LAURA: Yes you do.

SAM: The adventure was 50 thousand, correct?

LAURA: Yes, it was.

SAM: I think I had a good adventure today.

But I didn’t die. So, minus the Prismatic Spray,

that’s 6000 gold taken off. Minus the wear and

tear on my armor and equipment,

that’s another 5000 taken off.

LAURA: Darling, this wasn’t part of the deal.

SAM: Minus the fact that I wasn’t the star of the

adventure, I’ll halve the rest of it. Do you have

a tax ID or some sort of tax-exempt status?

LIAM: Wait, you need to be the lead character in

your death-taunting?

Is that what you’re telling us?

SAM: I’m just trying to find out how much I

actually owe you.

LAURA: No contract stipulations when we made the

deal, therefore, you pay full price, darling.

SAM: I am a man of business and I always follow

the law. So by my calculations, 20% federal taxes,

9.5% local and city taxes, I put that at about

11,000 gold total left still. Doty?

TALIESIN: Technically, she is tax-exempt.

SAM: Write a check.

LAURA: A check?

SAM: Of course.

TALIESIN: She is tax-exempt.

SAM: How is she tax-exempt?

TALIESIN: She’s a baroness.

SAM: Make it 16.

TALIESIN: Thank you.

SAM: My father will pay that. In full.

LAURA: Oh, dear lord.

TALIESIN: We can put it in the treasury,

technically.

MARISHA: Did he just give us an IOU?

TRAVIS: What about all the jingly-jangly in your

bag of holding?

SAM: Go on and reach in there.

LAURA: I know how bags of holding work.

TRAVIS: I’ll just stick my hand in the bag of

holding.

MATT: It is empty. What are you thinking of while

you reach in there?

TRAVIS: Candy.

(all laugh)

MATT: Does he find candy?

SAM: Nope.

MATT: Nope. It’s just a void, an empty sack.

TRAVIS: This is bullshit! You can’t come with us.

SAM: Is he holding any equipment or weapons?

MATT: The weapon is near him, but not currently on

him.

SAM: Okay. Fire. And I set his weapon on fire.

MATT: You watch as your hammer just ignites with

flame.

TRAVIS: You better put that out.

SAM: It’s cool, though, right?

TRAVIS: You burning my hammer?

SAM: No, no, it’s magical, it’s good. It helps!

TRAVIS: I touch it.

MATT: It burns your hand.

(all laugh)

SAM: Why would you touch a flame?

TRAVIS: Because you said it was magical!

SAM: (whispers) Is he an idiot?

TALIESIN: Well… I don’t feel like I can answer

that question appropriately at the moment.

MARISHA: Legally? Maybe?

TRAVIS: You know when people poke you in the

sternum with their finger? I do that with the

Titanstone Knuckle really hard.

MATT: Yeah, it hurts.

TALIESIN: I pour more wine for him. More wine.

More wine.

SAM: I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m just getting used

to this.

TALIESIN: No, you’re fitting in very well.

TRAVIS: You have your strengths, and while you may

be able to “read” with your friends over there,

I think it’s also important to work on your

weaknesses.

SAM: All right.

TRAVIS: Yeah, so we gotta work on your bravery,

maybe your fighting voice.

SAM: Absolutely.

TRAVIS: Yeah.

SAM: Was it really bad? Did I sound okay?

LAURA: No, I mean, I wasn’t there to witness it,

I just know your normal voice.

TRAVIS: When you were flying over the city,

did it sound like

a llama being mauled by a pack of wolves?

LAURA: I heard this braying. I thought it was a

goat, actually.

TRAVIS: That was him.

LAURA: Oh.

TALIESIN: What a picture you just painted.

That was lovely.

TRAVIS: Yeah. Big tall neck, all furry.

TALIESIN: No, I heard the llama.

LIAM: I’m gonna squish in next to him and put my

arm around with an ale and say, I don’t know why I

am suddenly taking a shine to you when I felt like

I hated you a couple hours ago. Just stick with

us. You don’t have to know– I hear everything

you’re saying. You’re an asshole, and I love you,

but you really are an asshole. I’m just talking

to the guy. I have taken a shine to you,

and I’m gonna look out for you, all right? The

first time I got attacked I was a fucking mess.

I’m still a fucking mess. That’s the thing,

people are writing stories about us, we’re a

bunch of fucking shitheads, and nobody talks about

that– maybe a few people do.

TALIESIN: A few people do talk about that.

LIAM: A few people do talk about that.

MARISHA: I think more than a few.

LAURA: A lot of people talk about that.

LIAM: There’s no way to prepare, you just have to

hit your face against the wall a couple of times,

then it starts to feel normal-ish.

TRAVIS: I can help you with that.

LIAM: Yeah.

SAM: Thank you.

LIAM: You’re good, you’ve done it, you’ve been

hazed, you’re good, kid.

SAM: I am so appreciative of all of you,

and I will repay this debt, I promise you.

I will make you guest-stars in one chapter of my

book,

and it will be top three most epic chapters.

LIAM: That’s pretty cool.

LAURA: Fabulous.

TALIESIN: Is the money that you’re paying us with

your father’s money as well? Please be honest.

SAM: Yes, absolutely.

TALIESIN: That’s fabulous.

LAURA: Oh, I like that.

TALIESIN: That makes everything even better.

We’ll get you a room right next to the library so

you can have easy access.

SAM: Thank you.

TALIESIN: We can set that up right away.

SAM: Thank you.

TRAVIS: The doors don’t lock, though, so you have

to be on guard all night long. Training is a

24-hour regimen around here.

SAM: All right. I accept your conditions.

TALIESIN: I’ll give you access to the workshop if

you feel like

building yourself a lock. Feel free.

SAM: You have a workshop?

TALIESIN: Oh, my.

SAM: For tinkering?

TALIESIN: Oh, my.

SAM: Ooh, I like you.

TALIESIN: Yes, it’s my pleasure. It’s so nice.

Of course, you’ll have a tour.

In the morning, we’ll do a brief tour.

SAM: Absolutely. And I could show you the inner

workings of Doty.

TALIESIN: I would be so delighted.

SAM: It’s pretty outstanding if I do say so

myself.

TALIESIN: It’s very good work, I’m very

impressed.

SAM: Little bit of luck, little bit of magic.

MARISHA: Do you want us to excuse the two of you?

MATT: The two of them, as you guys are having this

conversation,

without realizing it, slowly exit together.

TALIESIN: I’m not leaving.

MATT: Right, then you stop yourself as you reach

the door.

TALIESIN: I’m gonna send him to the library at the

very least.

MATT: Okay, the waitstaff come in and retrieve

your belongings and lead you up to the chamber

that’ll be prepared for your evening.

SAM: Good evening. Bye.

LAURA: Bidet.

LIAM: Good night, Tary, good night. Oh, boy.

What a babe in the woods.

TALIESIN: I kind of like him.

LAURA: Grog, how ragey are you right now?

TRAVIS: Pretty ragey, yeah.

LAURA: Super ragey?

TRAVIS: Yeah.

MARISHA: All the people who tend not to like

people are liking him.

TALIESIN: It’s a terrible sign, isn’t it? Just

really, really disturbing.

MARISHA: I feel like the two of you never like the

same person.

TALIESIN: No, that’s weird.

LIAM: You know, we don’t have the weight of the

world crushing us at the moment, so I feel like

that might have something to do with it, yeah.

LAURA: It feels very strange for you two to be

agreeing.

TALIESIN: It does. It makes me want to take risks.

It’s nice.

MARISHA: I thought we were taking a break from

risk-taking for a second.

TALIESIN: No, I feel like we’ve been playing it

very safe,

it’s just been that the world has been

taking risks.

MARISHA: I love the way you frame things, Percy.

LIAM: Once again you’re a couple steps ahead of

us.

MARISHA: I love the way you lawyer your way out of

every situation.

TALIESIN: That’s so nice.

LIAM: I wonder where Scanlan is.

MARISHA: I could check in on him. Haven’t used the

scrying eye today.

TALIESIN: I wanna say let’s give him some privacy,

but

at the same time I do kind of want to see him.

LAURA: I just want to know if he’s all right.

TRAVIS: I don’t.

MARISHA: I’m gonna look. I take out the scrying

eye.

TRAVIS: Don’t.

MARISHA: What? Why?

LIAM: I walk over to Grog and start playing– what

was it? Rock, paper, what was it?

MARISHA: Boulder, parchment, shears.

TALIESIN: Paper, shears or parchment, shears?

SAM and LAURA: It should be parchment, shears.

LIAM: Trying to teach Grog that game.

TRAVIS: No. Stop.

LIAM: No?

TRAVIS: I don’t want you to look in on him.

TALIESIN: I think I’m done for the evening.

MARISHA: Why? We just want to make sure he’s

okay.

TRAVIS: Because he asked us for his own time.

Can we respect that or not? Or did you want him

to yell at you more when we see him again?

MARISHA: He can’t know if I’m scrying on him.

TALIESIN: He might know if you’re scrying on him.

LAURA: He might know.

MARISHA: Not if I use my scrying eye.

TALIESIN: Let’s give him a little bit of time.

MARISHA: All right.

TALIESIN: Thank you, Grog. That’s a very fair

point.

TRAVIS: Okay, now I’ll play.

TALIESIN: Little elf girl?

LAURA: Danger-zone. I swear.

TALIESIN: Is it a danger zone?

LAURA: Mm.

TALIESIN: Because, you know, it occurs to me,

I’ve never given you

a full tour of the treasury room, have I?

LAURA: Um. Why, no, Percival.

TALIESIN: I’m grabbing the wine and I’m leaving

right now.

SAM: You guys are gonna fuck in the treasury? Oh

my god!

(all laugh)

TALIESIN: Who has never wanted to have the full

Scrooge McDuck? For fuck’s sake.

(all laugh)

LAURA: As we leave, I turn to Grog. And I think

about talking to him for just a second,

and then I leave the room.

TALIESIN: I owe you for that shit. Thank you.

MATT: All right. As the rest of you wind down the

evening, drinking, perusing the treasury,

reading the various books that are at your

disposal–

TALIESIN: We do deposit the check at the treasury,

by the way, while we’re there.

MATT: Yeah.

MARISHA: Deposit the checks.

MATT: You find your evening to a close.

MARISHA: We haven’t had the night off in a while.

LIAM: Yeah.

MATT: You enjoy the time to relax a bit and take

another breath of air after this constant pressure

that’s been pushing you. Next morning comes in as

the sun rises, you all come to consciousness,

rouse yourselves for breakfast, and whatever the

next day ensues. You all begin to gather in the

common room of the castle once more.

TRAVIS: We all healed up?

TALIESIN: All healed up.

MATT: Yep, all healed up.

TALIESIN: Airship or sea ship? This is your call.

TRAVIS: We’ve never done a sea ship.

LIAM: Yeah, I think we’ve got some– We could go

after the dude in hell,

but I think we have some more time.

LAURA: Pike asked us not to.

TALIESIN: We should bring a Pike to hell.

MARISHA: Pike wants to go.

LIAM: I agree, I agree. So..

MARISHA: All right.

TRAVIS: Time to go finish your Atari.

(all laugh)

TALIESIN: We have twenty six hundred men in the

back.

MARISHA: All right. Do I know roughly where the

water ashari are?

MATT: You vaguely know that it exists somewhere in

the Ozmit Sea. Kind of south-ish from Tal'Dorei.

But you don’t really know. Maybe a little bit of

information-gathering, or asking people who may

traverse that area would help you, but you don’t

really know.

LAURA: Yeah, we can go down to the docks.

Are there docks here?

MARISHA: Not in Whitestone. I think we’re pretty

landlocked.

MATT: Pretty landlocked in Whitest–

TALIESIN: No. There is actually, technically

there’s the sea to the north,

but that would be useless.

SAM: She meant the doctor’s office.

MATT: Yeah, you have the Lucidian Ocean to the

east of you.

TALIESIN: Mm-hm.

MATT: But it is a very treacherous water,

and the Shearing Channel, that is the series of

broken land mass between here and Wildmount,

the one that the

Briarwoods were brokering the

bridge for, is– yeah.

TALIESIN: There’s a reason we’re not a poor city.

MARISHA: Is there like a port at the very south

end of the continent, to where we could hop a ship

and also do some research?

MATT: Uh, there’s Stillben, very very far south.

LIAM: Ooh.

MARISHA: Stillben?

MATT: But that is still out to the Lucidian Ocean,

east.

The Ozmit Sea is on the western side of the

continent.

Emon is the closest port city to head to the Ozmit

Sea.

MARISHA: Oh, western. Oh you mean western.

Okay well then, hang on. If it’s w– Nope.

TALIESIN: Oh, I was about to say, who has the map?

You have the map. Okay.

LAURA: Yeah, it would be Emon.

MARISHA: 'Cause the Earth Ashari are on the

eastern side of the continent. Right?

TALIESIN: Do you have a map?

MATT: The Earth Ashari are kind of northern,

like mid-northern of the continent.

They’re in the Cliffkeep Mountains.

TALIESIN: This is a conversation that is happening

right now. I’m so amused.

MATT: Yes it is.

TALIESIN: We’re trying to remember the fake

geography–

MARISHA: Of our fake world–

TALIESIN: Of our fantasy world.

MATT: Ask me, it’s been my life for the past year.

Writing all this down for a book for all you guys.

SAM: I got it.

TALIESIN: All right.

MARISHA: So Emon is like–

SAM: We’re up here.

LAURA: Yeah, Emon is the place to go to.

LIAM: Thanks, Matt.

LAURA: Thanks, Matt.

TALIESIN: Yeah, yeah. We’re up here. Whitestone’s

here.

SAM: Yeah.

TALIESIN: And we need to be the south-west, so–

LIAM: We will live in the stars.

TALIESIN: Emon’s here. Emon is the biggest port

city on the Ozmit Sea, isn’t it?

MATT: Uh, on this continent? Yes.

TALIESIN: Yeah, that’s–

MARISHA: So we might as well leave out of Emon.

TALIESIN: We might as well leave out of Emon.

MARISHA: And then I could also do some research,

because– Is the libraries and the lyceums and

stuff open again? Or are they just fucking

demolished?

MATT: You don’t know. I mean, a lot of that part

of the town

is just now being rebuilt and recovered so–

TALIESIN: Where’s the airship by the way,

as well?

MATT: You have not checked in on the airship.

You guys–

TALIESIN: When was the last time we saw them?

MATT: The last time you saw them was in the throes

of the battle with Thordak,

when they came in and

gave it a helping hand briefly.

LAURA: Did they come back here?

SAM: Just to keep up the audience: We’re in Maine,

and we’re trying to get to Los Angeles.

TALIESIN and MATT: Yes.

TALIESIN: Well-put.

SAM: As Taryon, can’t we teleport to wherever

we’re trying to go?

TALIESIN: It’s easier to teleport if you’re

already been there.

SAM: Ooh.

MARISHA: Yeah, unfortunately, I can’t– I’ve never

been there.

And the Ashari are a very reclusive

type people.

SAM: I’ve read about most people and places.

MARISHA: Have you read about the Water Ashari and

the Ashari people?

MATT: Make a history check.

LAURA: Ooh!

TALIESIN: I’m gonna join in on this history check

as well.

SAM: Yeah, that’s a one.

TALIESIN: Wow.

SAM: Her eyes just intimidate me.

MARISHA: (whispering) Sam.

LAURA: Shame you.

LIAM: Shame! Shame!

TALIESIN: (singing) No one knows what it’s like,

to be a bad man. Okay.

MARISHA: Do you wanna touch my antlers?

TALIESIN: Hey now.

MARISHA: Ignore that, that got weird.

TALIESIN: That got real weird.

(all laugh)

TALIESIN: I’m gonna join in on a terrible history

check. That is a 19.

It’s not terrible, I just had a very high history.

MATT: It’s not terrible, but your research hasn’t

delved too deeply into the Ashari. And the Ashari

that you do know of are the Terra and uh,

and the Air Ashari.

TALIESIN: Yeah, I’ve only got what I read at

home.

MATT: There’s the Terra and the Zephra. Those are

the only two you know about. Those are the only

two on the continent. The Vesrah you’re not too

familiar with.

TALIESIN: Well, who else can we talk to?

MARISHA: I mean, I guess I could always go back to

the Earth Ashari, or the Air Ashari,

and talk to some of those people.

LAURA: Maybe somebody at the docks in Emon would

know?

TALIESIN: She really wants to go to the docks in

Emon.

LAURA: I wanna just pay off that docks comment,

really.

(all laugh)

SAM: Worth it.

TALIESIN: Magic.

MARISHA: I don’t know. I guess we could go back

and talk to the Earth Ashari.

You guys haven’t been there yet.

LAURA: Let’s go!

TALIESIN: Let’s go to the Earth Ashari.

MARISHA: Yeah, all right.

TALIESIN: Let’s collect our things. What’s the

temperature like there?

LAURA: Ooh.

MARISHA: Right now, with it being the Season of-

TALIESIN: The witch.

MATT: It’s in essentially a heavy valley of stone

in the center of the Cliffkeep Mountain range.

It is far from civilization, it’s maybe a few

days of heavy mountain–

constant hiking north of where Kraghammer is.

MARISHA: Oh. We’d have to hike to get there? No,

there’s gotta be

trees that I can Tree Stride there to.

MATT: There are a couple that aren’t too far

outside of Terra that you can Tree Stride to.

MARISHA: We’re druids, there’s gotta be trees

within that camp, right? And stuff?

MATT: Yeah.

MARISHA: Like, nearby?

MATT: Yes, I’m saying that there are some that are

like,

just in the outskirts of Terra, none

directly in it.

MARISHA: Okay.

SAM: Oh shit! Okay, no. Nothing. I had resistance

to something and I forgot to use it.

(all laugh)

TRAVIS: Resistance to a beating?

SAM: Yeah. Would not have helped me very much.

TALIESIN: Let’s also say, as we’re getting ready,

I’m gonna take Tary down and let him pick through

the tinkering room, see if he needs any tools and

upgrade anything

that he might need, give him a quick tour.

LAURA: And I wanna talk to Grog.

MATT: All righty.

SAM: (whispered) I’ll take everything.

MATT: So as you guys are taking through the–

TALIESIN: Showing him the equipment.

MATT: You find Grog off to the side.

TALIESIN: Don’t touch that.

LAURA: How are you?

TRAVIS: Me?

LAURA: Yeah!

TRAVIS: I’m good. I slept really well.

LAURA: Yeah. Feeling less rage-y?

TRAVIS: Yeah.

LAURA: That’s good, that’s good. Okay. Hey, so…

This is difficult for me to do. Did you know that

Scanlan had acquired drugs?

TRAVIS: No?

LAURA: Did you?

TRAVIS: No.

LAURA: I just found this out, that he was using

drugs behind our back.

TRAVIS: Like bad drugs?

LAURA: I think so, I mean, I’ve never tried them,

but–

TRAVIS: Me neither.

LAURA: So, I don’t know, finding out secrets about

people doesn’t feel good. Feeling like they’ve

broken your trust in some way, right? And being

trustworthy is very important.

TRAVIS: Right, yeah, I think that’s very

important.

LAURA: Right. So. Just hold on.

TRAVIS: I’m not even fighting anyone right now.

LAURA: Ah. I pull out the deck. So, this is– Do

you know what this is? Do you remember this?

TRAVIS: Where did you find one?

LAURA: Okay. So, Grog, I have to be honest with

you.

When you asked me for this before, I lied. To you.

TRAVIS: You lied?

LAURA: Yeah.

TRAVIS: What do you mean?

LAURA: Well, I sort of tricked you and thought

it’d be funny if I gave you maybe the wrong thing.

To see if you’d notice! But– I’m still lying.

I didn’t– I was afraid–

I gave you a false deck.

TRAVIS: No, no, you gave it to me, it’s in my

bag.

LAURA: You wanna pull it out?

TRAVIS: But you said I wasn’t supposed to look at

it.

LAURA: Well, you’re still not supposed to,

technically. Do you want me to pull it out?

TRAVIS: Phrasing.

(all laugh)

LAURA: Should I– Should you– Do you just–

TRAVIS: You want me to get the deck out?

LAURA: Yeah, maybe close your eyes and get the

deck out.

(all laugh)

TRAVIS: All right, I got it.

LAURA: All right, I am taking it from your hand.

TRAVIS: But these are mine!

LAURA: These ones are–

TRAVIS: Don’t take them from me again!

LAURA: Grog! Open your eyes. It’s not really a

deck, you see? It’s a bag. With rocks in it.

TRAVIS: Did you take my salt lick rock?

LAURA: No. You gave that to Scanlan. Here’s your

deck. Still don’t use it, still don’t look at it,

it’s still very dangerous! But I want you to know

that I trust you with it.

TRAVIS: I know. You said, “Don’t look at it,"

and I haven’t looked at it.

LAURA: Oh, good, then still don’t, how about

that?

TRAVIS: I’m very confused.

(all laugh)

LAURA: I know, basically, I just–

TRAVIS: Do you want a card?

LAURA: No! I don’t know.

TRAVIS: I open the flap–

LAURA: No no no! Don’t– Grog!

TRAVIS: Do you want a card? What’re you worried

about, it’s a deck of cards.

LAURA: You’re making me regret giving this back to

you right now. I just want to say. I close it.

Please don’t make me regret this.

TRAVIS: Why?

LAURA: I’m sorry that I lied to you. Even though

you didn’t notice. I want you to know you can

still trust me, and I can still trust you to not

fuck with this.

TRAVIS: I would like to insight check Vex.

MATT: Make an insight check.

LIAM: (laughing) I love you guys.

TRAVIS: Six.

(all laugh)

MATT: It’s a lot of words. It’s a lot of words.

But you got your deck back.

TRAVIS: But I always had it.

MATT: You– It’s really confusing. She’s talking

at you, but nothing changed.

TRAVIS: Is this a lesson?

LAURA: Sure.

TRAVIS: Can we just skip to the part where you get

so frustrated that I haven’t got it and you just

tell me the answer anyway?

LAURA: Grog?

TRAVIS: Yeah.

LAURA: You’re a good person. Still don’t look at

the deck.

I’m glad you have our back. Don’t do drugs.

TRAVIS: What do you think Scanlan did with the

rest of those drugs?

LAURA: What do you mean 'the rest of the drugs’?

TRAVIS: Well, you said he was doing drugs, right?

LAURA: Right.

TRAVIS: Well, did he just take them with him?

LAURA: Should we search his room?

TRAVIS: Ooh, maybe!

LAURA: Let’s do it.

TRAVIS: All right, I put the deck away.

MATT: Okay. You guys head up to Scanlan’s room.

LAURA: Yeah.

MATT: Both you guys make investigation checks.

LIAM: You’ve done a lot of brilliant things.

That was the most brilliant thing you have ever

done.

TALIESIN: I am so consistently proud of you.

LIAM: Oh my god.

TRAVIS: 16. 18 minus two.

LAURA: Oh! 16 for me as well.

TRAVIS and LAURA: Hey!

MATT: Together you both see– You both spend the

better part of an hour thumbing through the

various drawers and odd boxes and sundries that

were left behind in the wake of Scanlan’s

departure. And at the same time you both come to

find that,

no, there are– no illegal substances remain.

LAURA: He took them with him!

TRAVIS: What about nudey pictures?

LAURA: Oh, nudey pictures.

TALIESIN: Other things, what else is in the room?

MATT: Honestly? There are no nudey pictures,

per se.

TRAVIS: Boring.

MATT: You do find a series of books on art and the

human physique.

TRAVIS: Ugh.

MATT: And all the corresponding images have been

torn out.

LAURA: (laughs) Yeah.

TRAVIS: Damn it.

SAM: I have magic that can make things that are

way more real than a drawing.

TALIESIN: He has three original print issues of

Cherry Comics number one through four.

TRAVIS: Well, there’s no drugs.

LAURA: Well, I guess he took them with him.

TRAVIS: All right. When do I get to look at the

cards?

LAURA: Like, never, Grog.

TRAVIS: Like, never never? Never, never?

LAURA: Well, I heard from Percival that they’re

super, super dangerous.

But I don’t know what they do.

TRAVIS: Yeah, you don’t.

LAURA: No, I don’t.

TRAVIS: Only one way to find out! Not today.

LAURA: Not today, how about that?

TRAVIS: Fair enough.

LAURA: All right.

MATT: All right. You’ve joined the rest of the

party, the rest of– After you guys finish your

perusal of the workshop, which is quite a

workshop, mundane in a lot of ways, but functional

for the basic purposes of tinkering.

TALIESIN: Rustic!

MATT and TALIESIN: Rustic.

SAM: I think it’s magnificent, what you’ve put

together here.

TALIESIN: Thank you.

SAM: And I’m impressed, and from me that’s quite a

compliment.

TALIESIN: No, I’m feeling it. And, my workshop,

obviously, is your workshop for as long as you

stay here. Anything you need to work on,

of course, it’s fully available.

SAM: You know what? I don’t normally do this,

but… What’s your name?

(all laugh)

MARISHA: Oh my god. He doesn’t know any of our

names!

LAURA: Oh my god!

MARISHA: We’re like a bad speed dating session.

Holy shit.

TALIESIN: This is so amazing. Percival

Fredrickstein Von Musel Klossowski

de Rolo the third. At your service.

MARISHA: Oooh! He’s still got it!

SAM: Percival Fredrickstein Von Musel Klossowski

de Rolo the third. All right.

TALIESIN: Percy to my friends.

SAM: I’m Tary to mine.

TALIESIN: Tary, it’s a pleasure. This is the

castle I live in, this is my sister’s castle,

except of course, she’s lovely.

Cassandra de Rolo.

SAM: Hm.

TALIESIN: You are in Whitestone, as our guest.

SAM: It is my honor and privilege to be your

guest, sir.

TALIESIN: A pleasure. I recommend eventually,

not necessarily today 'cause I am actually

enjoying it, learning everyone else’s name as

well.

SAM: All right, well. Okay.

(all laugh)

SAM: Let’s Tary-on! No? Maybe?

TALIESIN: No it’s– I’m okay with it, I’m rolling

with it.

MARISHA: No! No.

SAM: Doty! Doty, put it as a maybe.

MARISHA: Not becoming a catchphrase.

TALIESIN: It’s not a catchphrase.

SAM: Doty, put it as a maybe for catchphrases.

MATT: You guys gather up–

TALIESIN: Another daring rescue.

MATT: Together, prepare yourselves for what the

next step of your journey is. What are you doing?

MARISHA: Are we going? Are we going?

LAURA: Yeah.

MARISHA: Going, going, gone, gotta go?

TALIESIN: Got your stuff together? Everything you

need?

LAURA: Are we going to Emon? No. We’re going to

the earth– the earth people.

MARISHA: Got everything. Earth people first.

MATT: Okay.

MARISHA: So we can be like, where do I find the

other fourth of my tribe.

TALIESIN: You’ve written your camp number.

In pen, on your arm.

MARISHA: Yes, I’ve got my safety tags.

TALIESIN: You’ve got your safety tags.

MARISHA: I’m good. I’m good.

TALIESIN: You’ve got your rights written on the

back, so that, y'know. If anyone tries to–

MARISHA: Yes.

LIAM: Let’s do it, let’s–

MARISHA: All right, let’s go.

MATT: All right.

MARISHA: Respect. Respect the antlers.

LIAM: Always have.

TALIESIN: We decorated them at the last winter

festival.

MARISHA: I like decorating my antlers.

TALIESIN: And it looked quite nice.

MARISHA: It’s a traditional Ashari tradition.

LIAM: All right. Eyes on the prize.

LAURA: Let’s go!

MATT: (laughs) You guys find your way to the Sun

Tree. Utilizing Transport via Plants you find

yourself (teleportation sound) thrust through the

trunk of the Sun Tree, and emerging on the

opposite side, on the cusp of a deep bowl-like

valley that goes probably for a good mile and a

half, or two miles across, before you reach the

other side of this crest.

LIAM: Tary! That’s two times! You’ve teleported

two times.

SAM: (gasps) Oh my god, every time it’s amazing.

Wow, thank you. Thank you all.

Where are we?

TALIESIN: Uh.

MARISHA: Well.

MATT: Central Cliffkeep.

MARISHA: We are in the central Cliffkeep

SAM: Of?

MARISHA: Of Tal'Dorei. And of the central– Of the

Cliffkeep Mountains.

SAM: So cool.

MARISHA: Yeah!

(all laugh)

MATT: You glance around, and there are the edges

of a forest here. A lot of them are stockier

trees, and things that live in harsh environments,

and a lot of them are rooted in cracks in the

ground, and portions of the rock that have split

open. Down within this valley, you can already see

what appear to be dozens and dozens of trenches,

that seem to have been dug. And there are areas

of this valley that appear to have eroded or

collapsed.

Like small, long rockslides that are just kind of

dotting the edges of the mountain walls.

Down towards the center you can see, also,

a cluster of dozens and dozens of small abodes,

it looks like. Homes, huts, structures made of

rock. This is Terra, this is the Earth Ashari

village here. Currently guarding over the

localized rift to the Earth Elemental plane.

You guys are traversing down into it?

MARISHA: Yep

MATT: It takes you a short time, you find one of

the paths that kinda zigzags down the side of this

mountain drop, and make your way in towards the

center. The sun is now– I’d say at this time,

just over the very top, kind of noon-ish portion

of the day. You begin to walk your way in and it’s

very warm here, partially because the– It’s

northern enough where usually it’s a colder

temperature on the island– Don’t you even,

you motherfucker.

LIAM: Wow. You lasered in on that like nobody’s

business!

TRAVIS: (gunshots)

MATT: I’m a little sensitive

(all laugh)

MATT: But the further down you get it is just–

The tree line has stopped and it is just rock,

stone, that is reflecting the light and it is

warm. You’re starting to find yourself sweat in

your full armor as you traverse deeper and deeper

into the center of this mountain valley.

MARISHA: It’s always like 20 degrees warmer in the

valley.

LAURA: (laughs) Terrible.

MATT: Disadvantage on the next roll.

(all laugh)

TALIESIN: Thank you for turning us into an episode

of California, yes.

LIAM: That’s a little bit of Los Angeles actor

humor for you guys over in Sweden today.

TRAVIS: (surfer accent) Californians.

TALIESIN: To get to Critical Role, take the 101

with the 5

to get up to Burbank to get to Critical Role.

LIAM: For all you fans in Germany, that’s a little

San Fernando valley humor!

TALIESIN: From beautiful downtown Burbank.

SAM: I loved it, you can do no wrong.

TALIESIN: Yeah.

MATT: Exactly.

MARISHA: I like Tary.

MATT: Yeah. So as you continue downward,

you get maybe a quarter-mile into this walk,

still relatively far from the village, before–

And you recognize this. You watch as one of the

nearby trenches, (earth moving) shifts up

about two feet in stone, and you watch as three

figures step out from within the trench and begin

walking towards you.

TRAVIS: Are we killing these?

MARISHA: Stop– No, no? These are– Grog!

TRAVIS: Sorry, but–

TALIESIN: They’re sending us to the things we’re

going to kill.

TRAVIS: Oh! Okay.

MARISHA: Everyone, wait for a second. I step

forward a second.

MATT: Okay. You watch as three humanoids

approach.

TRAVIS: Lambchop-looking motherfucker.

SAM: Just a stick. Just a stick. It doesn’t do

anything.

TALIESIN: It’s from the walking company.

MATT: They are clad in darkened leathers, furs,

and it looks like a lot of the armor and garb

here is taken from

hunted creatures and animals that have been

prepared and tanned, here within the sun-wracked

center of this mountain valley. The two to the–

Flanking the central figure appear to be human,

male and female, both very short, kind of tossed

hair. Then at the center you see what appears to

be a surprisingly short, but very stocky and

thick, half orc female. As she approaches she

has– the hair is woven back into these thick

braids that are pulled into a singular, what looks

like a topknot, on the upper back of her skull.

Her jaw protrudes a bit, you can see the two

lower fangs kinda pushing past the lips.

MARISHA: Is this Patisse?

MATT: No, this is–

TRAVIS: Lower fangs?

LAURA: She’s a half orc.

LIAM: Yeah, she’s got the big teeth.

MATT: This is Rockcaller Dryden.

LAURA: Rockcaller–?

MATT: Dryden.

LAURA: Not that I would know that.

LIAM: (sing-song) Rock Caller Dryden

SAM: Good old RCD.

MARISHA: Do I know Dryden from before?

MATT: You do.

MARISHA: All right.

MATT: This is not the headmaster of the tribe,

MARISHA: Right.

MATT: But one of the central sentinels that’s

around this portion here.

MARISHA: Yeah, yeah.

MATT: Approaches you, and for a moment puts a hand

out almost to hail you,

and then recognizes your face and steps forward.

"Keyleth? What brings you to Terra?”

MARISHA: Kaitiaki, Dryden.

MATT: Kaitiaki.

MARISHA: How are you?

MATT: We are well.

MARISHA: Have you fared well here recently,

in the past several months?

MATT: We have hunkered down. Our business was to

make sure

that no more of the Rifts befall the

same fate of the Pyrah.

MARISHA: Have you talked to Cerkonos or Korren at

all?

MATT: Not recently, no.

MARISHA: We have slayed the Chroma Conclave.

All the dragons are dead.

MATT: Then this is a time for celebration.

MARISHA: Yes.

MATT: I will pass this along.

MARISHA: I was wondering if I could speak to

Headmaster Patisse.

MATT: Perhaps, but what do you wish to speak on?

MARISHA: I am intent on continuing my journey on

to the Water Ashari tribe.

And I need information from him.

MATT: To the Vesrah. Very well. I could help you

with this information if need be.

MARISHA: Is Patisse indisposed?

MATT: No. No, right this way.

MARISHA: I mean it would just be nice to, like,

say hi. While I’m here at least.

MATT: “Very well.” They turn around and begin to

lead you back towards the outskirts of the city,

not directly into Terra itself, but as you

approach, and walk past, you can see the ground

here– every ten minutes or so you feel a sudden

shift, and a slight quake beneath your feet.

The landscape here, the closer you walk to the

center of the village, seems to be in this

perpetual state of shifting rock. And you watch as

different areas kind of collide.

Areas of stone kind of (cracking noise),

and rocks tumble down. Parts of it break and

crack and reform. At one point, as you guys are

not maybe 200 feet out from the first major

structures, the ground has one major spike.

(loud rock slide) And you hear this heavy rolling

rumble, and you watch as, maybe 300 feet off from

the side, a new pinnacle is formed. Two big plates

kind of (crack), jut upward, one kind of coasting

over the other and coming to a halt. There is very

heavy localized seismic activity as part of the

proximity to the rift of the earth elemental plane

here. And you watch as three druids come rushing

out of the side of the Terra tribe, and as they

focus, the rocks (crumbling noises) crumble back

down and subside. The central mountain landscape,

here, brought back to a momentary beat of peace

and quiet.

MARISHA: I’m like a New Yorker on a subway.

MATT: Yeah. Just going straight in.

MARISHA: I’m just like, whatever. Used to this.

LAURA: Must wreak havoc on the local

architexture.

TRAVIS: Architexture?

LAURA: Architexture.

MARISHA: Oh, it’s built– We’ve got infrastructure

built for that sort of thing.

It’s fine, they’re used to it here.

MATT: Right. As you progress inward, and some of

the other Terra Ashari–

LAURA: Shut your mouth, you wouldn’t even know

what architecture is!

MATT: Different visual representations. Some

appear to be more ornamental. Jewelry seems to be

here, like jewels and metallics used, it seems to

connote a level of prestige within the tribe,

and every individual that walks, usually with a

cluster or protectors around them, or at least,

seems to be in a place of notable importance

within groups, seems to be more adorned in this

natural-based jewelry. You know exactly where to

go to head straight to the hut

in which the headmaster resides and as–

LIAM: And I’m watching her stride through here

with confidence, just impressed.

MARISHA: Rockcaller. Rockcaller. Oh Jerry! How you

been? How’s the kids?

LIAM: Jerry! Jerry!

MARISHA: Jerry! JERRY!

MATT: What looks to be a heavy wooden doorway,

built out of a series of tree trunks that are

strapped to this one area. Just (tree trunks

shifting) shifts open and now you see, walks a

very tall, thin, and older, like mid-60s human

male, who is adorned in a similar tattoo pattern

as the Rockcaller you saw earlier. But it seems to

reside from the center of the cheeks and through

the jowls and then crosses across the neck and

then

across the arms all the way down to the

fingertips.

LAURA: (quietly) Tight.

MATT: And there are certain portions which are

broken up by hard lines, it’s like this parallel

intersection multiple times as the tattoo

progresses down. Very, very loose, almost a

flowing central shoulder-based robe that tosses

down the front of the body and meets with a long

skirt that drags behind him as he steps out.

And as he looks over in the direction of you,

you can see the eyes are very hardened, dark,

deep brown in color, and the sockets are very

weathered, his skin texture in general is pretty

weathered. He looks over towards you,

clean-shaven, short white hair, puts a hand up.

“Keyleth, you grace the Terra with your presence.

What can we be of service to you for?”

MARISHA: I stand more in attention, more formal.

Good to see you, Patisse, it’s been quite some

time.

MATT: You as well.

MARISHA: I just came to check in after the recent

events in the world, make sure everyone was okay.

MATT: Everything seems to be fine. We’ve been

intent of care to the rift, and from the word that

seems to have passed quickly since your arrival

over the past few days, it’s come to our attention

that Thordak no longer sits in the center of the

city of Emon.

MARISHA: That’s correct. We’ve also slain his

right-hand man, Raishan, who seemed to be the

mastermind of the entire orchestration.

MATT: Good. Good and well done.

MARISHA: Thank you. I couldn’t have done it

without your help and training,

so I appreciate that.

MATT: You are but a seed, you allowed it to

germinate. So what do you need?

MARISHA: Well, I’m intent on continuing on with my

Aramente now that there’s relative peace in the

world. The Vesrah people are quite insular,

of course. I was wondering if you could give me

some advice on how to get there and any advice in

general on dealing with them?

MATT: It has been a long time since I’ve attended

any sort of gathering with the Vesrah. It is for

people of our skill set not the easiest of

journeys, as many of us are capable of traversing

through the sentinels of nature. Unfortunately,

most of the tree life

that exists around Vesrah is beneath the water.

MARISHA: Right.

MATT: So your most likely form of transport will

be that of a vessel across the waves.

MARISHA: Who’s their headmaster there now? Do you

know?

MATT: The headmaster there– Uvenda, the heart of

the tides.

MARISHA: Uvenda.

MATT: Uvenda.

MARISHA: Uvenda, the heart of the tides.

What can I expect of this Uvenda? Uvenda.

MATT: Not what you’d expect. I’ll leave it at

that.

MARISHA: That’s very vague of you, Patisse.

MATT: Well, what would be the fun if I were to

unveil the next fold of your Aramente?

MARISHA: No, you’ve got a point. Do you recommend

by ship or would flight be more appropriate?

MATT: If you have the means, that is up to you.

MARISHA: All right. Any other words of

encouragement?

MATT: Listen closely. Keep your friends about you.

That should be sufficient.

MARISHA: Oh, sorry, I probably should’ve

introduced– by the way, this is my band I’ve been

traveling with, Vox Machina. And Tary. Tary

Darrington.

SAM: Lovely to meet you. I have no idea where we

are right now.

MATT: Good, keep it that way.

MARISHA: He’s new.

LAURA: Can I ask a question? Is that all right?

MARISHA: Of course.

LAURA: Is it polite?

MARISHA: Yeah.

LAURA: (quietly) Hi, sorry. You mentioned that the

water Ashari live under the water.

MATT: They don’t live beneath the water,

not entirely.

LAURA: Okay, I thought maybe they were like

mer-people or something, I wasn’t sure.

MARISHA: That would be awesome.

LAURA: Yeah, right? That’d be really cool.

MARISHA: Yeah.

LAURA: Cool. So we’ll see them above land then if

we’re flying.

MATT: Some of them, yes.

LAURA: Some of them. All right, that was my

question. Thank you for your answer. Thank you.

MARISHA: Are there any other landmarks or ways of

navigation to find them?

They’re an island in the middle of the Ozmit sea.

MATT: It’s not the island of usual appearance.

The beaches and sands of Vesrah are built upon a

great circular reef. And part of the city lies

above, part of it lies below.

TRAVIS: (quietly) Sick.

MARISHA: (quietly) Awesome.

MATT: Look for the white sands beneath the

surface. Some structures will be visible from

above. It would lie quite a ways to the southwest,

not too far from the Hespit. I would recommend

perhaps procuring the service of someone who knows

the sea well.

MARISHA: Yes. We were going to look into trying to

do that. Well, is there anything you need from me,

Patisse, before we head on?

MATT: No. Just do your best to have your friends

keep the location of our village to themselves.

MARISHA: Don’t worry, we have many places we’d

prefer to keep this way.

MATT: Good. I trust you all. Safe journeys.

Keep her safe.

TALIESIN: Of course.

LAURA: Always.

MATT: The tempest needs a new voice.

MARISHA: Thank you for your belief in me.

Kaitiaki, Patisse.

MATT: Kaitiaki, young Keyleth.

SAM: You’re welcome.

LAURA: Kai… tiaki.

MARISHA: (quietly) Good job.

TALIESIN: Kaitiaki.

(all laugh)

SAM: Kaiahoga.

MARISHA: What did you say?

LAURA: Kamehameha.

LIAM: Ticonderoga… pencils.

SAM: I pull Vax aside and say–

LIAM: What’s up, buddy?

SAM: Poise, grace, confidence, she is amazing.

LIAM: Yeah? That’s true.

SAM: Is she your leader?

LIAM: Sometimes, yeah. Sometimes.

SAM: (quietly) Incredible.

LIAM: Yeah.

SAM: I’m learning so much already, thank you

again.

LIAM: That’s– you’re welcome, that’s good.

That’s good. One step at a time.

SAM: Absolutely.

LIAM: Yeah.

TRAVIS: Vax, you made sure Tary partook of some of

the soil here, right?

It’s an Ashari tradition, right?

LIAM: What? Are you asking me if he shit here?

What are you talking about?

TRAVIS: No, no. He has to eat– did you? Tary,

did you manage

to get some of the soil in your mouth?

SAM: The what in my mouth?

TRAVIS: It’s a custom here you have to eat the

dirt of the earth Ashari.

LIAM: I walk off. I’m not getting part of this.

SAM: Absolutely. I will do it.

TRAVIS: You don’t want to be offensive.

SAM: You’re absolutely right.

TRAVIS: Yeah. Custom is important.

SAM: Mm-hm. Following the local customs,

I took a handful of dirt

and shoved it down my fucking throat.

(all laugh)

MATT: (coughs) You go into an immediate coughing

fit as the–

SAM: (coughs)

MATT: – the surface dirt here is built from

constant colliding of stone and rock, and a lot of

it has been ground to almost a fine powder in

places–

LIAM: Have some volcanic ash.

MATT: – yeah, yeah. It’s akin to the cinnamon

challenge in a way.

(all laugh)

SAM: (coughs)

TRAVIS: Just stay with it, the first time’s the

worst.

Don’t dilute it with any water or anything.

TALIESIN: Just thinking, it’s like diatomaceous

earth. Just hateful.

TRAVIS: You’re toughening up already.

SAM: Thank you.

TRAVIS: Ooh, your voice sounds deeper.

SAM: Yeah, that is my vocal cords

being covered in dirt.

TRAVIS: I like this.

LAURA: Why are your vocal cords covered in

dirt?

SAM: I just ate dirt.

LAURA: Why on earth would you eat dirt?

SAM: I’ll go into my satchel and pull out some

healing draught,

and just– ah, just take a big gulp.

MATT: Okay.

SAM: Okay.

MATT: It feels much better.

SAM: Much better. Shall we?

TALIESIN: Yes, let’s.

LIAM: Kiki, what do you think? Are we staying

here for the night, or– I mean, we just got here,

it’s the middle of the day, isn’t it?

LAURA: Can we Treestride again today?

MARISHA: Yeah, we can.

LIAM: We need to make camp? You need to

rest? Or can we go now?

MARISHA: I’m good. After this we’ll probably

have– No, I’m good. I mean–

TALIESIN: We Treestride, we get a ship,

and then–

MARISHA: And then I’ll be resting.

TALIESIN: – we spend a night on the

ship.

LAURA: Ooh, I like it.

TRAVIS: I like it.

TALIESIN: Isn’t that gonna be fun?

LAURA: Yeah.

TALIESIN: I haven’t been on a ship si– Oh

my, yeah.

MARISHA: Are we gonna do the airship, or– no, I

guess we left the airship in Whitestone.

TALIESIN: Well, we– technically, we–

MARISHA: Or did we leave it in Emon?

TALIESIN: We left it in Emon.

MATT: Emon.

LAURA: Yeah.

MARISHA: Hopefully, it’s– you know, let’s see

if it’s still intact.

TRAVIS: What’s wrong with a boat? We

haven’t been on a boat.

MARISHA: That’s true.

TALIESIN: I’m kind of feeling the

boat.

TRAVIS: Yeah, me too.

MARISHA: You guys wanna go on a boat?

LIAM: You are feeling the boat over the airship?

TALIESIN: I haven’t been on a boat in a long time,

and I’m feeling a little weird about an airship.

TRAVIS: Thank you.

LIAM: I know, but you practically sang ballads

for airships for weeks.

TALIESIN: I know.

LAURA: Yeah, and we got one.

TALIESIN: We did– we could–

TRAVIS: He tap-dances on boats.

TALIESIN: I mean, I wouldn’t object to it,

I just–

LIAM: So one and done, all right.

MARISHA: Wait, does this mean–

LAURA: We can be regular pirates now.

MARISHA: Does this mean we can get yacht gear if

we go on a boat– or pirate gear?

LIAM: I’m on a boat!

TALIESIN: I’m not getting the proper

shoes.

LAURA: (gasps) Pirate gear!

MARISHA: Pirate gear!

SAM: Boat shoes? I own boat shoes.

TALIESIN: I knew you would.

LIAM: What does that mean?

TRAVIS: You do?

SAM: They’re great, they’re flat-soled,

they are white, and–

LIAM: White.

TALIESIN: They are.

SAM: Yes, they are–

MARISHA: You mean like Keds? You’re talking

about Keds?

TALIESIN: No, no, they’re boating shoes.

SAM: Boat shoes.

MARISHA: Boat shoes. (laughs)

TALIESIN: They’re actually boating shoes. I am

embarrassed that I know

exactly what you’re talking about.

SAM: Of course.

LIAM: Your boating shoes, I’m sure, are very

white.

SAM: Yes, they are.

TRAVIS: What are they made of, leather?

SAM: With little leather stripes–

TRAVIS: Yeah, they’re made of leather.

SAM: Yeah.

LIAM: Yes.

SAM: And a little sailor’s cap.

LAURA: No.

LIAM: Ooh, no.

TALIESIN: I’m so excited.

SAM: I have a navigator’s kit.

MATT: He does, it’s–

(all laugh)

MATT: He does.

SAM: Let’s set sail!

MATT: Yeah!

SAM: A sextant and everything.

TALIESIN: That is– that is my

favorite phrase in the English language,

is “I have a kit for that.”

MARISHA: I have a kit for that. (laughs)

TALIESIN: You have just come upon it.

MATT: I’m so excited that worked out.

LIAM: What is going on?

MATT: All right. So–

MARISHA: Well, that’s fun.

MATT: You find your way back to the edge

of the valley,

to the same tree that you made your Transport via

Plants through–

MARISHA: I do the touristy thing to 'em again on

the way out, like I do.

MATT: Pointing out. What is your destination

tree?

MARISHA: (stammers)

TALIESIN: Pine.

MARISHA: Our keep. Greyskull Keep. Garden. Tree.

MATT: Okay.

MARISHA: Sorry. That just took a while

to find in my brain.

LAURA: I imagine you saying all that as you touch

the tree.

MARISHA: (stammers) It’s been a long few weeks.

TRAVIS: The channel just–

MARISHA: Only the best, only the best.

MATT: You transport from the outskirts of Terra,

find your way back to Greyskull Keep, and walking

towards Emon proper. You can see now, even from

the distance as you approach, the walls, some of

the larger buildings, the higher towers and

structures that just barely peek over the wall,

you can see are already in the process of

repair. You can see–

LAURA: Wow, that was fast.

MATT: – teams of people that are in– currently

trying to rebuild and restructure as you enter

from the southern gates of the city and enter the

streets, it’s more lively than you’ve ever seen it.

People are returning. People are coming back and

reclaiming what remains of their homesteads,

many of them still intact without a problem.

The damage was

extensive, but not universal in the city,

and so I’d say there’s still a good 60% to 70% of

the city that is mostly without damage, and there

are areas that are just destroyed, but even those,

people are picking up, reclaiming– There appears

to be a process of memorial being constructed on

the outskirts of the Cloudtop to remember those

who fell in the battle for Emon. There is also the

skyport, which was on the outskirts of the

Cloudtop, and up there you can see the skyship

Deera,

however it looks to have sustained a severe

amount of damage–

LIAM: Damn it!

MATT: – in the battle, and is in the

process of also receiving its own repairs.

LIAM: Son of a bitch.

LAURA: Oh, I hope Captain Damon’s all right.

MARISHA: Yeah.

TRAVIS: Oh, jesus.

LAURA: He’s so dreamy.

TRAVIS: Heartthrob Damon.

TALIESIN: He’s just gotten a little scar.

MATT: There you go.

LAURA: The perfect scar.

TALIESIN: Yes.

MATT: Now he’s dangerous Damon.

MARISHA: Cap Damon.

LAURA: He’s got the– no, he’s got the

Harrison Ford.

TALIESIN: Is this the Harrison Ford, or is it the

scar right below the cheek

so that when he cries it hits the scar

and goes down.

MARISHA: Oh yeah, and it trickles down.

LIAM: I mean either way, he can make it

work, right?

LAURA: Yeah.

MATT: Yeah. All right, so what are you guys doing?

TALIESIN: It’s like a little pachinko machine

of pain.

TRAVIS: Run the canal, run the canal.

LIAM: Don’t leave me hanging up top. Woo!

LAURA: That was a good one.

MARISHA: Pike’s here, right? She’s in the city.

MATT: Pike is in the city somewhere, you haven't

found her, you don’t know where she is.

MARISHA: 'Cause I imagine she would have good

recommendations on good crews–

LIAM: Boats.

MARISHA: – and boats.

TALIESIN: Ooh.

MARISHA: So, let’s try and find Pike.

TRAVIS: Didn’t she just say a good crew?

She just said to find a good crew.

LAURA: Find a good crew.

TALIESIN: She wouldn’t maybe not know,

necessarily.

MARISHA: Would Pike know if there’s

a good crew? Let’s save ten minutes on finding

Pike. Would Pike know if there’s a good

crew?

MATT: Pike had one crew that she travelled

with on the ocean–

LIAM: Seems dodgy.

SAM: They’re all dead.

TALIESIN: They’re not dead, they just left her.

MATT: But that crew, I will say for the sake of

time, is not currently docked at Emon.

MARISHA: Okay.

LIAM: She was busy doing push-ups on that cruise.

MATT: Yeah.

TALIESIN: One-handed.

LAURA: Let’s go to the docks, you guys. Today.

MARISHA: To the docks!

MATT: You find yourself at the western docks of

Emon.

LIAM: Ter the dercks!

MARISHA: Ter the dercks!

TALIESIN: Ter the dercks.

MATT: You hear the familiar sound of seagulls

and other water-based fowl,

mixed with the creaking of wood from

large ships that are all

making their way in and out of this rather large

port here on the side of the Ozmit Sea. You can

see there’s a lot of goods coming into the city

now, as a lot of heavy orders have come from

nearby villages to transport goods as part of the

recovery, both from the south from the Mornset as

well as things that were too large to carry by

cart from Syngorn, and have been coming up along

the coast, avoiding Dagger Bay, and making their

way up to Emon. There are a number of individuals

around, and who would want to spearhead the

investigation–

MARISHA: I’m not good at investigating. Who’s good

at investigating?

LAURA: I’ll go.

LIAM: Yeah.

MATT: Roll an investigation check.

LIAM: I’ll back you up. Me too, me too.

TALIESIN: Looks good.

LAURA: 19?

LIAM: 18. Oh, you’ve done me in by one.

LAURA: Oh, by one!

LIAM: One.

MATT: Asking about for a while, you eventually–

people point you in the

direction of what appears to be an individual

named Dockmaster Abban.

MARISHA: Dockmaster Oban?

LIAM: Abban.

MATT: Abban. A-B-B-A-N.

MARISHA: Abban.

TALIESIN: Abban.

MARISHA: A-B-B-A-N.

MATT: You’re eventually led to this

individual who, pointed

out, is dressed simply at first glance. The

clothing he wears, just a plain white, billowing

shirt, nice tailored pants, and some boots that go

just up to the mid-calf. Dark brown-red skin,

completely shaved, smooth, bald, shining in the

sun, no facial hair, with piercing blue-grey eyes.

As soon as you begin to approach, he’s finishing

a conversation with someone and turns to you and

flashes the brightest of white smiles and goes,

“Hello! Ah, you look like you are looking for some

help, or in aid of something, yes? No?”

LAURA: Yes.

MATT: You’re staring at me. What do you want?

LAURA: We are– I don’t know if you’ve noticed,

but the city has just been saved.

MATT: I have noticed it, strangely enough.

I’ve watched it be saved, and–

LAURA: Yes, then you maybe saw us in the fray, and

now, after saving this beautiful city, we are on

our way to the middle of the fucking sea. Would

somebody be able to take us?

MATT: Well, are you looking for a– to purchase a

vessel?

LAURA: No. To rent a crew of well-seasoned sailors

who know their way around the ocean.

MATT: I guess it really depends on the size of the

vessel you’re taking– what ship do you have?

TALIESIN: We’re looking to– I’m cutting in for

a second–

LAURA: Sure, darling.

LIAM: Sure.

TALIESIN: – charter, dear, charter. You're

looking to charter.

LAURA: We’re looking to charter a ship.

MATT: Okay.

LAURA: I just learn so much from you, you

know?

TALIESIN: I– well, this was just–

TRAVIS: Barf.

LAURA: Take over.

MATT: And where are you travelling?

TALIESIN: No, please.

LIAM: Ah, that’s complicated.

LAURA: Well, just very close to Hespit,

actually, not far so– very far southwest–

MATT: How close to the Hespits?

LIAM: We’re hoping for a bit of a discount for the

group

that is responsible for this city still existing.

TALIESIN: She’s much better at this than you.

MARISHA: Oh, man.

LIAM: Give it a second, please.

TALIESIN: Okay.

LIAM: Doubting Thomas.

MATT: I have– I apologise, I do not

follow this train of thought. Discount?

LIAM: (sighs) Do your fucking thing, whatever.

(all laugh)

LIAM: I didn’t roll any kind of a check, I just

got shat upon,

but whatever, do your thing. And I walk off.

TRAVIS: I just got shat upon.

TALIESIN: I just– I don’t feel the dice were

necessary at that point.

TRAVIS: (laughs) Shat upon.

LIAM: I do! I do! They’re necessary all the time.

All the time! Except when it comes–

TRAVIS: Do I?

LIAM: –to me. Go, go, do your thing. Do your

thing. I’m gone.

MATT: No, you– Okay. Vax walks away before he

finishes his point,

and doesn’t get to make his roll.

LIAM: Yep.

MATT: Okay.

LIAM: Yeah, yeah, whatever, Matthew, whatever.

MATT: What?

LIAM: What roll?

MATT: All right.

SAM: We’ll never know.

LAURA: Forgive my brother, he gets very

embarrassed when he talks

about how much we’ve saved. Humble

creature.

MATT: I’m still very confused here. You’re asking

for a discount, why?

Because the city was saved?

LAURA: Oh, well I wasn’t, of course not.

MATT: Look, I don’t know who you

are,

I don’t know what you’re trying to do here–

TRAVIS: We killed all the dragons.

MATT: –but we’re in the process of trying to

recover the economy of what was once a very strong

economy, of a town that has been under attack.

Now, we cannot offer discounts to anybody because

right now, we’re all in financial dire straits.

LAURA: Understandable.

MATT: So, if you’re going to ship, if you’re going

to move,

if you’re going to charter, if you’re going to

purchase, it’s going to have to be the ask–

LAURA: We’re looking to charter a ship, full

of sailors, who can get us to

a circular reef to the southwest, near the

Hespit.

MATT: Captain Adella. That would be your

best bet.

LAURA: Captain Adella.

MATT: “Now."

And he points off to the end of one of the

nearest docks, there’s two that are close by,

and there’s a long row of various ships that are

in the process of being loaded and unloaded,

but there appears to be one sailing ship.

They have some galleys and long-ships along the

side, but there’s a sailing ship with the sails

currently tied up and bound to the mast,

and a crew that is lounging on the deck.

There is a woman, towards the edge, that’s just

walking past. You cannot make out a lot of details

from this point, but he points over.

"That is Captain Adella. She will be able to

help you.”

LAURA: Thank you so much, Dockmaster.

MATT: Of course. Now, if you wish to charter,

speak with her. Let her know that the

Dockmaster is the one that brought you that point,

and all shall be well.

LAURA: Wonderful.

MATT: “All right. Good luck, travel safe.”

And he turns around and walks aw–

LAURA: Percy, do we tip him? I don’t know how this

works.

TALIESIN: No, I think we just–

SAM: No, we do not tip him.

LAURA: Oh, all right.

TRAVIS: Can I just ask before we leave,

how much are the ships that are for sale?

MATT: Oh! Well, it depends on the ship that you

are looking for. For a long-ship, no crew

of course, which is a fairly decent speed,

requires maybe 30 to 40 rowers, and a handful

of deck hands, that would run you about

10,000 gold pieces?

LAURA: Oh, that’s it?

TALIESIN: That’s a long-ship–

TRAVIS: Just let me ask the important questions,

you all retire.

LAURA: We don’t even need that.

TALIESIN: We need a big– we need a

bigger ship.

TRAVIS: If I wanted a ship that had, let’s say,

this many sails,

and came with a crew, how much would

that be, about?

MATT: Are you talking about a fully outfitted

galleon?

TRAVIS: That.

TALIESIN: Yes, yes you are.

MATT: I would put that…

well, I mean the crew you’d have to

pay whatever they’re asking, but for the actual

ship, the general asking price can range somewhere

in around 30,000 to 40,000 gold pieces.

TRAVIS: 30,000 to 40,000 pieces, that’s what

I thought. Yep. Thank you.

MATT: Right. Obviously a man of the world.

TALIESIN: Do you want a galleon, Grog?

TRAVIS: These dock pretzels are amazing.

SAM: He’s literally picking up dried pieces of

seagull poop.

(all laugh)

TALIESIN: There is this thing for seasickness,

with seaweed–

LAURA: Dock pretzels.

TRAVIS: It’s not pretty.

MARISHA: Grog, that’s– that’s not like free

peanuts at the tavern.

TALIESIN: That’s not– that’s…

LAURA: That was so gross.

TRAVIS: Really crunchy.

MARISHA: The profile of that.

LAURA: Oh my god.

LIAM: There’s protein in everything. Everything.

TRAVIS: Well, let’s go get a ship.

LAURA: Oh my god. Wow. We could seriously

buy a ship.

TALIESIN: We could, or we could just–

LAURA: I mean we have no need for a ship.

TALIESIN: What are we going to do when we’re done

with it?

LAURA: I know, right?

TALIESIN: I know, really.

LAURA: We’ve gotta be frugal, even though we don’t

have to be, we should be.

TALIESIN: It’s not even frugal, this is just what

you do once you have money–

LAURA: Exactly.

TALIESIN: – you only buy things you need, and just

lease everything else.

It’s very, very common. It’s all good.

LAURA: All right.

TALIESIN: This is very true.

MATT: All righty. As you guys walk to the edge

of the–

TALIESIN: Leasing.

LIAM: It’s true.

MATT: –aforementioned dock that was

pointed out,

you come to the outskirts of this

larger sailing ship, and as you begin to walk up,

and your footfalls 'clack-clack, clack-clack,

clack’ against the dock, a couple of the

deckhands that are kind of leaning off to the

side, kind of just looking up, one of them appears

to be taking a hit off of a flask of some kind,

both hear the footfalls and get up and turn

around, spin and look. “Cap'n? Cap'n!”

And they kind of point over and the

coat-wearing figure that you saw walking across

the deck of the ship spins around, and begins to

abruptly quicken her pace in the direction of the

gangplank that leads off onto the side of the

dock. As she comes up to the edge, reaching and

grabbing the sides of it, you see before you a

woman with long, sea-air tattered mass of hair.

It is just this halo of crimped, curled,

and wild dark hair that’s also been sun-bleached

to the point where the tips kinda go light.

It is crazed in appearance immediately as she

arrives. She looks spry and somewhat young,

maybe late 20s early 30s, but her skin has been

very heavily weathered from all these days at sea,

and you can see already she’s getting these crows

nests at the corners of her face, but has a very

bright smile, and her light brown coat hangs just

past her calf-high boots. She looks like the kind

of woman who captains a ship. As she glances over,

“Hi. You looking for a crew?”

MARISHA: You look like a pirate!

MATT: I do not look like a pirate. Why would

you say that?

TALIESIN: She meant it as a compliment.

MARISHA: Where do you buy your clothes?

MATT: Are you looking for a crew or not?

LAURA: Why, yes we are! I assume you’re

Captain Adella.

MATT: Yes. (laughs) I see my reputation

precedes me.

TALIESIN: By about ten feet.

LAURA: Yes, it does. Dockmaster Abban speaks

very highly of you.

Do you know your way around the Ozmit?

MATT: Quite a bit actually, I do. Where you

looking to go?

LAURA: Near the Hespit Sea? Near the Hespit? I

don’t know what the fuck I’m talking about.

MARISHA: Yep, that’s right. Southwest.

LIAM: Hespit-bound.

LAURA: Ish.

MATT: No. We don’t travel to the Hespit. That’s–

LAURA: It’s near the Hespit, not quite–

MARISHA: Have you stumbled upon Vesrah?

MATT: Vesrah, I know of.

LAURA: Oh! Perfect.

MATT: I know of it.

MARISHA: All right.

LAURA: Goodness gracious.

TALIESIN: We would be excited to make it worth

your while.

MATT: How worth your while?

LAURA: How worth our while are you thinking?

TALIESIN: What is your while worth, I imagine?

MATT: Well, we have a crew here, 12 deckhands,

my captaining and navigating skills,

a first mate, and the use of the ship…

that would run you– let’s put it

at 150 gold per day for chartering the

ship.

TALIESIN: There’s six of us and a bear.

MATT: (laughs)

TALIESIN: The bear sleeps in jewelry.

SAM: And a robot.

TALIESIN: Oh, and a robot. An automaton. Can I

say automaton?

SAM: He doesn’t eat, it’ll be fine.

TALIESIN: Okay.

MATT: Well this has certainly got real

interesting, didn’t it? All right!

So, have we a deal?

TALIESIN: 150 gold a day?

LIAM: That’s nothing for us.

LAURA: How many crew– 12-man crew?

LIAM: Vex'ahlia. We have so–

LAURA: No, I think that’s a fair price.

MATT: All right. So.

SAM: She is such not a good negotiator.

What is going on?

LIAM: Hey, buddy?

SAM: Oh, sorry.

LIAM: There’s a lot of–

SAM: I will be quiet.

LIAM: – inner working dynamics in this group

that you don’t know anything about–

SAM: I’ll be– you’re right.

LIAM: If you’d just wait a bit, all right?

SAM: You’re right, I will be quiet.

LIAM: That sounds good.

TALIESIN: I’m so pleased.

MATT: “Fine. You’ve found yourself a leader, a

captain, and a partner.”

Shakes your hand. “So.”

TRAVIS: Are you all right?

LAURA: Honestly, I feel…

MATT: Vesrah, you say? Crazy

water folk. Who am I to judge? But yes, six to

seven days travel at sea, depending on the

weather, of course. Storms are common this time of

year, do keep in mind we will be passing north of

the Hespit,

so be wary of any wandering bandit ships.

LAURA: Bandit ships?

MARISHA: Not pirates.

MATT: Or pirates, you can call them pirates as

well, but we already had that conversation.

MARISHA: And you are definitely not–

MATT: Nope.

MARISHA: –a pirate.

MATT: Not anymore.

MARISHA: Nope. You just look really cool.

TRAVIS: What kinda weapons you got

on this ship?

MATT: Oh! We’ve got some ballistae.

We travel with speed.

TRAVIS: Oh. It’s a fast ship?

LIAM: What d'you mean?

MATT: Fast ship.

LIAM: You got– you got nothing?

MARISHA: Oh, we don’t need weapons.

We’re weapons!

LAURA: We’re weapons.

TALIESIN: We’re quite fierce.

MARISHA: We’re the most deadly thing in this land.

LAURA: How often do sea monsters sprout up on

you? Ever? I’ve never been on the sea.

MATT: Often enough.

MARISHA: Often enough?

LAURA: Really?

LIAM: We have, we were just way high

above it.

LAURA: Well yeah, not like in it.

TRAVIS: Oh that’s true, we have never

been in a boat, yeah.

TALIESIN: Actually, that’s a good question.

How many of us have actually been on a

ship before?

LIAM: I’m afraid of getting nauseous, actually.

TALIESIN: Am I really– come on.

SAM: I had a boat–

LAURA: You own boat shoes.

SAM: I had a boat in one of my larger baths that

I would take at night, and it would go on epic

adventures through the bubbles! But never

quite at sea.

TRAVIS: What was the boat’s name?

SAM: The boat was the SS…

… that’s it.

(all laugh)

TALIESIN: Even better than I could have

possibly imagined.

MATT: That’s adorable. Well, welcome to my ship.

She is called the Drensala Vis–

SAM: That’s such a cool name.

LIAM: Drensala Vis.

MARISHA: Drensala Vis.

LIAM: Drensala Vis!

TALIESIN: The Drensala Vis.

MATT: It is Marquesian for Luck of the Mother.

TALIESIN: Mother Lucker.

LIAM: Mother Lucker.

MATT: Treat her well and she’ll treat

you well in kind. Respect my crew, respect my

authority, respect our direction, and we’ll do

just fine. So! To the crazy water people.

Welcome on board the Drensala Vis.

TALIESIN: Aye, Captain.

LAURA: Do we need anything? Do we need anything

before we do–

MARISHA: Did she just say crazy water people?

LIAM: Too many mother luckers!

LAURA: Let’s do it!

MARISHA: I don’t think we need anything.

Do we need anything?

TALIESIN: I think as long as the ship is prepared

and has–

TRAVIS: Anything you can buy on dry land?

TALIESIN: –everything stocked, everything it

needs, I think we’re just reasonable.

TRAVIS: I’ve got a couple canisters of underwater

breathing that nobody else has.

TALIESIN: And I have the remnants of several

bottles of liquor. I’m quite pleased.

MARISHA: I will come stacked with some

water-breathing stuff.

I think we can do it to eight people for

like an hour or something like that?

TRAVIS: There you go.

LIAM: That’ll help in the middle of the ocean.

MARISHA: That’ll definitely help.

LAURA: Do you think that Raven’s Slumber is

waterproof?

MATT: You imagine the enchantment probably

is waterproof.

LAURA: All right. I would hate to– little baby,

mini Trinket in there

gets like drowned or something if I’m underwater.

LIAM: Yeah. You don’t wanna drop the iPhone

in the toilet.

LAURA: Exactly. Or the bathtub.

TRAVIS: About what time of day is it right now?

LIAM: What do you mean?

MATT: Right now, it’s a little bit past three

o'clock in the afternoon.

TRAVIS: Shouldn’t we go out early in the morning?

TALIESIN: Why?

TRAVIS: Isn’t that what you do? You, like,

set sail–

SAM: You can sail all night while we sleep

on the ship.

LAURA: I wanna sleep on the ship!

MARISHA: It’s gonna be like a seven-hour trip–

or a seven-day trip.

TALIESIN: You’re gonna get to sleep on a hammock,

Grog.

LIAM: You can spend days on a ship.

TALIESIN: There’ll be a hammock.

TRAVIS: What if it’s only a three-hour tour?

LIAM: Tary, there wo– what is that in reference

to?

TALIESIN: No. I’m not even dignifying that

with a groan–

TRAVIS: Come on, Tal, you’re with me.

TALIESIN: That would not even– I expect

better of you.

LIAM: It would make for a good

beginning of a chapter to set out at dawn.

SAM: That is true. Poetically it would be nice,

but–

TALIESIN: He could just write that we set

out at dawn.

SAM: I am eager to get my adventuring on,

L.E.B., so I am eager to go.

TRAVIS: All right, yeah.

TALIESIN: Little elf girl. L.E.B. Little elf boy.

TRAVIS: I’m fine with that.

MARISHA: Adella.

MATT: Yes?

LIAM: Little elf boy?

MARISHA: Oh, been on the sea a little long. Is

your crew ready to go?

Or would it be better to set sail in the morning?

MATT: Well. We leave at your leisure,

but we’re not against

the idea of a raucous final evening at the

local tavern.

LAURA: How many beds do you have on that ship?

SAM: You’re asking us to get her drunk?

LIAM: Well…

SAM: Is that true?

LIAM: I mean–

SAM: Is that what’s happening?

LIAM: We’ve really been through the

shit, so I’m not opposed. Just saying.

MATT: Not including for my crew? we have bunks

for at least 15 other passengers.

MARISHA: Okay.

LAURA: Bunks? Or rooms? I mean, obviously you

don’t have rooms for–

MATT: Between the bunks, six rooms.

LIAM: How many bunks per room?

MATT: Two or three, depending.

LAURA: Oh.

LIAM: That’s weird.

LAURA: All right.

TALIESIN: No, no. It’s quite common.

LAURA: No, it’s totally doable.

LIAM: No, it’s weird.

TALIESIN: No, it’s quite common.

LIAM: I disagree.

TALIESIN: I think it’s perfectly fine.

LIAM: Well, you’re fucked.

LAURA: Let’s just go.

MATT: If you don’t find–

LIAM: Yeah. Fuck it.

MATT: “Good! Grab your things! On this ship!

Let’s set sail!”

Starts giving out orders to her crew,

seems to now kind of come to life, and they’re

starting to go ahead and start pulling up anchor,

they’re starting to get the sails ready.

You already can feel the spray of the water as

the tide’s coming in now, the water’s starting to

get a little choppier as it’s hitting up against

the side of the docks and the shore end.

SAM: A sea voyage. This is unprecedented.

LIAM: Oh, jeez.

SAM: Doty, take down every word of anyone saying

anything ever on this whole trip.

This is amazing. I’m so excited.

MATT: Doty stops for a second, leans back, and

then starts scribbling furiously

at anything that he can pick up within earshot.

LIAM: Tary, staring off into the distance, shat his

pants. Crying, into his poo–

SAM: Well, okay, all right, so zing, you got me.

TRAVIS: He pulls out of his waistband–

(all laugh)

TRAVIS: – and notices the tiny member

between his legs.

SAM: You’re smarter than I thought, you.

LIAM: No, I’m as smart as you thought I was.

MATT: Eventually, the ship disembarks,

and begins making its way further out

into the water, just as the sun begins to

set into the slightly orange, purple, and dark

blues of the end of daylight. You can see the

various lights in Emon come on, especially towards

the dock, as the night comes to life. And out the

opposite side, the sparse clouds that are

scattered in the distance, the ship picks up the

winds and pushes with guiding speed out to the

southwest, into the depths of the Ozmit Sea.

And that’s where we’ll pick up next session!

TALIESIN: And so–

MARISHA: Moana!

TALIESIN: As our ship sinks slowly in the

west, we bid farewell!

MARISHA: It just slowly sinks.

MATT: I finally get to use the ocean

voyage audio!

(all cheer)

MATT: Had that on my playlist for a long-ass time.

MARISHA: Ocean voyage!

MATT: Awesome.

MARISHA: We’re going on a cruise, you guys!

MATT: That took some interesting turns tonight!

MARISHA: Now we learn how shitty cruises are.

TALIESIN: I love ships. Ships are great.

LIAM: Everybody’s vomiting.

MATT: Pretty much.

TALIESIN: I think I’m the only character who's

spent some time on a boat, at this point.

MARISHA: Well, and Pike.

TALIESIN: Who’s been on a ship. And Pike–

MARISHA: Well, Pike’s not here–

LIAM: I’m on a boat!

MATT: Yeah, Pike’s still back at home.

Ashley, come back to us!

LAURA: I know!

MATT: Blindspot, stop filming! You finished your

season, right?

LIAM: Almost, almost.

LAURA: Almost. So close!

LIAM: Getting there.

MATT: We’ll get her back. Guys, thank you

so much.

LIAM: What an episode.

MATT: Ridiculous fucking people.

MARISHA: That was so good.

MATT: We’re gonna pick up next week, as you head

deeper into the Ozmit Sea towards Vesrah.

Thank you again Loot Crate for being our awesome

sponsors this evening–

ALL: Lootcrate!

MATT: – you’ve been fantastic. The rest

of you guys, rest well, sleep well,

and is it Thursday yet?

LAURA: I’ll most likely kill you in the morning.

MATT: Have a good night.

[ART]