Family Gathering/Transcript

Pre-Show
MATT: Hello, everyone. Welcome to Critical Role, where a bunch of us nerdy-ass voice actors sit around and play Dungeons & Dragons.

ALL: We play Dungeons & Dragons!

(laughter)

MATT: We have our fantastic Laura Bailey and Travis Willingham via Skype in from San Diego Comic-Con at the moment. Glad you guys could rush to your hotel room in time to make this happen.

LAURA: Yes, we did it.

TRAVIS: Hi, friends.

(laughing)

MATT: So, let's go ahead and get through our announcements real fast so we can jump into tonight's game. I'm hoping for real fast, Sam.

(laughter)

As fast as we can.

SAM: Real fast.

MATT: All right. First, we do have our fantastic sponsor, returning from the beginning of the campaign on until now, our friends at D&D Beyond. Sam. SAM: Guys, our sponsor's D&D Beyond, and this week, they wanted you to know that our D&D Beyond presidential campaign is coming to an end, next week. We are opening the polls for you to vote next Thursday. Starting next Thursday, July 25th, you can cast your vote for either me or Liam through the D&D Beyond website. There's information somewhere on your screen now. Polls will stay open until our Indianapolis live show during intermission on Friday, August 2nd. When you vote, and you can vote, you'll be gifted some cool digital surprises from D&D Beyond.

MARISHA: Ooh!

SAM: Keep an eye on the Critical Role and D&D Beyond socials next Thursday for that voting link. And to celebrate the end of the campaign, we've got a special treat. As you know, a few weeks ago I challenged Liam O'Brien to vigorously master debate while you all watched. And tonight it is on, so lube yourself up, dim the lights, and grab some tissue paper, because it's time to watch me and Liam master debate.

MARISHA: Don't dim the lights.

(upbeat music)

DANI: Welcome to the first-ever D&D Beyond master debate. Candidates Riegel and O'Brien will simultaneously master debate until they are raw and chafed, climaxing this spunky presidential race.

(snickering)

DANI: Can't believe I agreed to do this before reading the script. As a palate cleanser, let me introduce our moderator, the brilliant, the adorable, the impartial Ronin Willingham.

RONIN: (humming and baby sounds)

ALL: Aww.

DANI: After Ronin's questions, each candidate will have 20 seconds to respond. And no, just because I am Sam's campaign manager, I will definitely not be showing him any favoritism.

SAM: (laughs)

DANI: First question. Ronin?

RONIN: (babbling)

(laughter)

DANI: Liam, you're first.

LIAM: Thank you, Ronin, and a heartfelt thanks to all my supporters as well. Now naturally, my first act as president will be to oversee the ongoing balance of the app, ensuring the game can be played with maximum efficiency, precision, and, I guess, fun, if you're into that kind of thing. I also plan to--

(bell ringing)

SAM: Oh, that's your time. Sorry. My response: blah blah blah, listen to this guy. Listen, my fellow Samericans, while my opponent is a stick-in-the-mud, fuddy-duddy rule abider, I've embraced the heart of D&D, so as your president, I'm going to make the D&D Beyond app cool “AF”. High key, I'll add some sick skateboards, electric guitars, hover boards. It's going to be woke. Hundo-P! Extra! Is my time done?

DANI: Nope, 18 more seconds.

SAM: Great. Slay! I just want to say I love all you Critters out there, and when I win, you can expect more of my radical ads, and I don't know, some free candy or something. How am I doing on time?

DANI: 17 seconds left.

SAM: Great.

LIAM: He's been talking longer than 20 seconds!

DANI: You are not Caleb, Liam. You don't always know what time it is.

LIAM: Slander.

DANI: Ronin, next question.

RONIN: (babbling)

(laughter)

SAM: Thank you, Ronin, for that excellent question. How would I lead the employees of D&D Beyond? Well, real leaders have to set the tone for their employees and subordinates. So I'll cruise into work at 10:30, 11 most days, and I'll give my employees cool nicknames, like Slick Rick in Accounting, and HR Puff 'n Stuff in HR, and I'll call the mail room guys Chief, because that's cool.

(laughter)

LIAM: I will be firm, but fair. I promise to keep this body focused on the time-honored traditions of this great game, and inspire my employees to strive for honor and excellence in their work. The tenets of Gygax will be hoisted to dizzying new heights.

SAM: Can I do a quick rebuttal? Yawn.

LIAM: Rebuttal to your rebuttal, I will destroy you, Riegel! Destroy you!

SAM: Bring it on, O'Boring!

LIAM: You know what, why don't you just go write 50 more comedy bits about your own anus? You Elon Musk clone!

(bell ringing)

DANI: Gentlemen, gentlemen, there are babies in this skit. Please be respectful.

LIAM: Sorry.

SAM: Sorry. It's our fault.

DANI: Ronin, your final question, please.

RONIN: (screams)

(laughter)

TRAVIS: Good question.

LIAM: Well, he has charm, obviously. But this campaign has changed him. He's become something I do not recognize. Driven by ambition, fueled by ego, but like, more than before. I just, I wish that no matter who wins, we can someday return to being the true friends that we once were. Deep down you are still my number one, Sam Riegel.

SAM: Wow. Liam, I am stunned. I had no idea that you were just going to waste your last answer like that. A nice thing about O'Brainiac? No, I got nothing nice to say about this turd burglar. Vax couldn't make it through Vox Machina campaign, and Liam isn't going to survive this one. Riegel for President 2019. Prosecution rests. Boo yah! That's it.

TRAVIS: Fire!

DANI: Well, that is all the time we have. Thanks for joining us for this public master debating. Please forget this ever happened, please.

SAM: And that's the debate, guys!

MATT: Thanks.

(stilted clapping)

MATT: Awesome. Well done.

(laughter)

LAURA: Damn.

MATT: Great.

LAURA: It's not what I expected.

MATT: D&D Beyond--

(laughter)

MATT: --a fantastic tool, for those of you who play (laughing) Dungeons & Dragons. Thank you for (laughing) sponsoring us.

(laughter)

SAM: Matt's reactions to all these are way better than the bits.

MATT: Thank you for giving us Ronin on loan temporarily, Laura and Travis. That was great.

LIAM: Thanks for trotting him out.

MARISHA: God.

TALIESIN: Change the oil.

MATT: All righty, so. Finish up the rest of these announcements real fast. As a reminder, we are headed down to San Diego Comic-Con to join these fuckers here for our Saturday panel. It's going to be at 4PM this Saturday, Pacific, at San Diego Comic-Con in room 6BCF. If you're going to be down there, please come see us, stay for the panel, crazy questions, and general D&D chaos. Looking forward to seeing you guys there. It will be available on YouTube, however, next Thursday morning, so if you aren't there for it, it'll still be available for you to watch a little bit down the road. Also, as a note, our Mighty Nein and Vox Machina miniatures box sets are made by our friends at Steamforged that you saw we Kickstarted last week with the help of you guys. A lot of those have gone out to everyone who helped us support the campaign. For those who weren't around for it or didn't have the opportunity then, they will be available for pre-order, or are available now for pre-order, actually, in both the US and the UK shops. They end on August 6th, and will ship out at the end of the month, so go ahead and check it out. As a reminder, our mini sets will be available in our favorite local game shops, too, so please be sure to support your local game shops and local businesses whenever you can. Yeah, look in our shop at shop.critrole.com, I think it is? .co.uk? Go to the shop part of the website and you'll figure it out. I believe that's the last of our announcements. Without further ado, let's go ahead and jump in to tonight's episode of Critical Role.

MARISHA: (growling noises)

(water bubbling) (thunder) (explosion) ? Role, Critical Critical ? ? Role, Critical Critical ? ? Role, Critical Critical ? ? Role, Critical Critical ? ? Mighty Nein, Mighty Nein ? ? Roll the dice, roll the dice ? ? The adventure begins ? ? They were always beside you ? ? Your nerdy best friends ? ? And the DM to guide you ? ? And they rise from the flames for the battles ahead ? ? Villains beware 'cause you're 'bout to be dead ? (dramatic music) ? They got magic and flair ? ? They got falchions and cunning ? ? They don't see over there ? ? There's a monster incoming ? ? Inspiration is waiting, rise up, don't think twice ? ? Put your fate in your hands, take a chance, ? ? Roll the dice ? ? Roll the dice ? ? Role, Critical ? ? Roll the dice ? ? Role, Critical ? ? Role, Critical ? ? Role, Critical ? ? Can you answer the call? ? ? Dig in deep in your soul ? ? As the legend unfolds ? ? Now it's your turn ? ? Your turn, your turn ? ? To roll ? (flames whooshing) (dragon roaring)