The King's Cage/Transcript

MATT: Hello, everyone, and welcome to tonight's episode	of Critical Role where a bunch of us nerdy-ass voice actors sit around and play Dungeons & Dragons.

TRAVIS: (hollering) We play Dungeons & Dragons!

LIAM: Dragons.

MATT: Before I get into tonight's game, we have a few announcements to get through. First and foremost, we have two fantastic sponsors this evening. Our first, our friends for campaign two from beginning to now for Episode 69.

(wooing)

MATT, MARISHA, SAM: Nice.

MATT: Our friends at D&D; Beyond. Sam.

TRAVIS: (singing) D&D; Beyond!

SAM: (throat clear) That just hit me. D&D Beyond wants you to know that the new D&D Essentials Kit is coming to Tar-jay. It includes a newly designed rule book that onboards players by teaching them how to make characters and adventures. The box includes several codes for D&D Beyond and they've also created a new tutorial page focused on how to onboard new players into the game that we all know and love at dndbeyond.com/essentials. The Essentials Kit is available exclusively at Target until September 3rd, 2019. Now, sorry, quick announcement here, guys.

LAURA: Uh-huh. SAM: As you know, my campaign to become the President of D&D Beyond President. Wow. Has been suspended. That is powerful stuff.

(laughter)

LIAM: You are welcome.

TRAVIS: We got an eternal loop going.

SAM: I had to suspend my campaign because of a filthy rumor from the O'Brien campaign. He decided to go low, campaign, and accuse me of colluding with a foreign power, lying about it, and making a deepfake video to cover it up, which sounds like me, but was not, I promise. So I am announcing that my campaign has resumed as of today because I am a fighter, I am a believer, and because I have a special secret weapon. I am a great debater. In fact, some would say I'm a master debater.

TRAVIS: Oh god.

MARISHA: Classic.

SAM: Actually, I got that nickname in high school. When I would walk down the hall, kids would say, "There goes Sam, the master debater." And they were right. I master debate all the time. I master debate in the shower. I master debate in the back of a Lyft. I will come to your house and master debate in your closet while you are asleep. My master debating never stops. Which is why I am challenging Liam O'Brien to a debate right here, sometime in July. You guys can all tune in and watch me master debate Liam O'Brien in front of your own eyes.

LIAM: Oh, well...

SAM: I will master debate Liam O'Brien as long as it takes until he comes to the realization that I am even more of a furious master debater than him. But I'll need your help. So go ahead and tweet your debate questions to @DnDBeyond and make sure to include the hashtag #MasterDebater.

TRAVIS: Yeah.

SAM: I'm sure they'll appreciate that.

TRAVIS: Yes.

SAM: Thank you for your support, your faith in my campaign. Remember, rule of cool always beats rules as written. God bless Sam-merica. Everyone, master debate yourself tonight.

TRAVIS: Wow. Wow.

LIAM: Did you ever master debate backstage of Les Mis?

SAM: Yeah, I had a robe.

LIAM: Okay, okay.

SAM: That would cover up myself while I was master debating. I just wanted to be snug, that's all.

ASHLEY: When did you start master debating?

SAM: You know, I think I really found I had a knack for it around 12 or 13.

ASHLEY: Really?

SAM: Yeah, that's when I really got into master debating.

ASHLEY: Yeah.

SAM: Spent a lot of time.

TRAVIS: Did anyone teach you how to master debate?

SAM: I'm self-taught, but recently I've been master debating with my left hand.

(laughter)

You know, for emphasis. For emphasis. You know, I feel like it really changes the game.

TRAVIS: Do you go open hand or closed fist?

LIAM: What is the longest span of time you've ever master debated?

SAM: Oh, I can master debate for up to two minutes.

(laughter)

TRAVIS: So you wouldn't have what some politicians would call stamina.

(laughter)

SAM: Some politicians would call it that. But I got to go to sleep after I master debate. So you know, I'm pretty relaxed.

MARISHA: You would think with all that master debating, you would be a perfect candidate for filibuster though, right?

SAM: Yeah.

LAURA: Hey, that's true.

ASHLEY: Were you on a master debating team?

MARISHA: Yes.

SAM: In college, I did master debate with a group. But it was just once and it didn't feel right. I was pretty drunk.

LAURA: Oh god.

LIAM: Master debating is best when it's one-on-one.

SAM: It's true, it really is. And that's what it'll be in July. Thank you, D&D Beyond.

LIAM: God, I love politics.

TRAVIS: My heart rate is up, elevated.

MARISHA: Yeah.

SAM: Have they fired us yet?

MATT: I can't. I can't. I can't.

LIAM: Matt's been blue screening for the last minute and a half.

TALIESIN: Ow.

MATT: Thank you, D&D Beyond. I am so sorry.

(laughter)

TRAVIS: No, nope.

SAM: Yeah.

MATT: Our second sponsor, thankfully, I'm announcing.

(laughter)

Returning tonight, sponsor of tonight's episode as well, our friends at Idle Champions. We've talked about before, returning now with a cool announcement we'll tell you in a second. For those that aren't familiar, Idle Champions of the Forgotten Realms is an awesome strategy game that you can collect D&D characters from novels, campaigns, and lore about the D&D Forgotten Realms universe in one epic adventure. And it's drawn from all sorts of ancillary realms as well, even Arkhan, the resident dick-bag dragonborn that stole the Hand of Vecna at the end of our last campaign is in there.

SAM: Dick-bag dragonborn.

TRAVIS: Hand of Vecna.

LIAM: That's one of the chromatic, right?

MATT: I think so, yeah. Yeah.

LIAM: Bronze.

MATT: From the Vox Machina standpoint, I think it holds. But no, each champion bring in their adds, depths, and strategy to the game as you quest to complete the various world quests, I imagine. Adventures taken from official D&D; modules and adventures that have come out, including Dragon Heist and Curse of Strahd. It is available for PC and Mac on Steam, Xbox One, PlayStation 4, iPad, and all Android devices, and tonight's special announcement is that it's now available on iPhone. So you can keep your champions idle on the go, which is pretty fun.

SAM: I have an iPhone, that works for me.

MATT: You should check it out, Sam.

SAM: I will, I will indeed.

MATT: When you're not busy master debating. It's hard to multi-task for you.

LIAM: You'll have time to squeeze it in?

(laughter)

MATT: It's on the App Store now. Let's celebrate the launch with a free gold chest when you enter the code "NowOnIphone." I was like, now on the phone. There was no spaces. "NowOnIphone," one word, in the in-game shop to get your free gold chest. For more information, check out idlechampions.com/criticalrole. All righty. Got a few more announcements here. You can join us Saturday, July 20th for our Talks Machina panel at San Diego Comic-Con.

ALL: Yay!

MATT: We announced that. We'll be in Room 6 BCF, for those of you who'll be down there braving the droves and droves of us geeks that will be taking over the Gaslamp District and beyond. You can check out all the details there at critrole.com/events. We also shared an update on our summer programming schedule yesterday on our socials if you haven't checked it out yet. Includes, pardon me, updates on Handbooker Helper, MAME Drop, Travis Willingham's Yee-Haw Game Ranch.

TRAVIS: Yeah, you should, that's a good voice for the show, actually.

MATT: Between the Sheets, and a special Call of Cthulhu one-shot that Taliesin Jaffe here's going to be running.

LAURA and ASHLEY: Yes.

TRAVIS: The immortal.

MATT: Excited about that.

TALIESIN: Fucking end you.

(laughter)

TRAVIS: I'm ready, I'm ready, my body's ready. I want it now!

MATT: We announced that great guests will be on there as well. Check out all the details at critrole.com. As a reminder, we're taking a short rest next week as a studio. All of next week, we'll be dark. But we'll be back Tuesday, July 9th. July 9th, that's the day, with Talks Machina. In the meantime, next week, take a break with us. Go and get caught up or introduce your friends to the insane stuff that we do here. Or just do what we do and relax and breathe. Yeah, play some of your own D&D. And last but not least, a huge thank you to our friend here of the channel, Bryan Forrest, who you've seen in a few episodes of Handbooker Helper, but he has designed, created, and we just recently put up our new Mighty Nein tabard.

(cheering)

Hanging symbol on the back wall there. It's a series of leather, wood, and actual metal. It's been all sorts of treated and burned and shaped and shaved. Yeah, he's amazing. So thank you, Bryan. You're awesome. I believe that's the end of our announcements. So without further ado, let's go ahead and jump into tonight's episode of Critical Role.

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